LEAKS

3 12 2010


New Date?
Reports say President Aquino dated a new girl at Rockwell Center in Makati City very recently. The new date was identified as Len Lopez, a stockbroker – not to be confused with Liz Uy, the heartbreaker.

A tabloid columnist criticized Ballsy Aquino-Cruz for her frequent TV interviews on President Aquino’s love life. Apparently, the tabloid writer was not aware that Ballsy’s the head of the “search” committee.


Wikileaks
I’m sure you’ve heard about Wikileaks. When President Aquino first heard about it, he was like, “Let’s not waste time! Go ask those UP experts to find the leaks.”

Not everyone has read or heard about Wikileaks. For instance, when President Aquino first heard about the controversial leaks, he got so concerned he told his legal team to immediately ask the Supreme Court to issue a writ of kalikasan.

When finally told about the Wikileaks background, President Aquino expressed concern over the release of thousands of documents online. The President has expressed even more concern when his secret Rockwell date became public.

Wikileaks has uploaded thousands of classified documents on its website including some 1,796 diplomatic cables from the US Embassy in Manila. President Aquino has reportedly expressed concern over the leaks. Presidential Communications Secretary Herminio Coloma said if the documents were uploaded on Facebook, it would have been much easier to shut it down.

WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.

The Lacson Case
Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson releases a statement saying he’d surrender only if the government drops the case against him. But the government says Lacson is not in a position to make such demands… unless he’s inside a bus with dozens of Hong Kong tourists.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has given an NBI elite team an ultimatum to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. If they fail, De Lima will just seek the help of UP experts to “find” the senator.

On Thursday, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement saying he’d rather die than surrender to authorities. This just in: Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has just rejected Erwin Tulfo’s offer to negotiate.

At press time, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has yet to surface. Who the hell does Lacson think he is, the grand lotto winner?


Call Center Leader
The Philippines has reportedly overtaken India as the world’s call center capital. Sought for reaction, a call center agent said, “Ov course, ‘yan ey meygandahng baleetah. Good for uz, you know!”

Reports say the Philippines has overtaken India in terms of number of call center employees this year… which automatically makes the Philippines No. 1 in terms of stress-related illnesses.
——————————
“A small leak can sink a great ship.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang may kakambal na kamalasan ang pagtama ng multi-milyong pisong jackpot sa lotto?
– Oo! Mamalasin sa buhay ang winner. 9.51%
– Hindi. Nasa diskarte na ‘yan ng nanalo. 83.29%
– Hmmm, minsan naniniwala, minsan hindi. 7.2%

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Briefly Noted
Former Vice President Noli De Castro’s opening line, TV Patrol (Thursday, Dec. 2):
“Magandang gabi bayan! Hinostage ng isang lalaki at pinagsasaksak ng labingwalong beses ang kanyang live-in partner…” Wow, magandang gabi nga!

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BASTED

27 11 2010

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a!”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
– Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
– Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
– Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

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CATCHPHRASE

18 11 2010


LAST MONDAY, the Department of Tourism announced a change in slogan: from “Wow Philippines” to “Pilipinas Kay Ganda.” It was the DOT’s biggest accomplishment yet since June.

DOT Secretary Alberto Lim clarified that the new slogan that was previewed Monday was not final yet. Or as palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda would say, “it’s being fine-tuned.”

After receiving criticisms for changing the DOT’s catchphrase, Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim said Wednesday “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” was previewed Monday to test and gather feedback. Welcome to the Aquino presidency, your trial and error government.

Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim revealed that the ‘Pilipinas Kay Ganda’ brand was a result of a four-month study. In fairness, hindi halata.

This just in! A blogger pointed out some similarities between the logo of “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” and the logo of Poland’s official travel website. Sought for comment, an unidentified DOT official said, “As long as there’s no malice, it’s okay.”
The latest online buzz is that the logo of the “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” campaign of the Department of Tourism was “copied” from the logo of Poland’s official travel website… making DOT Secretary Alberto Lim a possible frontrunner for Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.

As mentioned above, Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim revealed that the ‘Pilipinas Kay Ganda’ brand was a result of a four-month long study… which was understandable since the study was conducted naman pala in Poland.

Top 5 Suggested but Rejected (Read: Lamest) Slogans for the Government’s Tourism Campaign

No. 5: “I can Phil it…”

NO. 4: “Wiling-wili sa RP”

No. 3: “Pilipinas… ang gandaaaa! Ang lambooot! Ang dulaaas”

No. 2: “‘Sa kulay at saya, parang nasa Poland ka sa mas murang halaga!

And the No. 1 suggested but rejected (read: lamest) slogan for the government’s tourism campaign (assume that President Aquino and his sister Kris are the tourism envoys)…

“Uy, ang gandaaa!
Yap, ang saraaap!”

The Tourism Department has changed its slogan from “Wow Philippines!” to “Pilipinas Kay Ganda.” The new slogan was chosen from among several suggested catchphrases including two from presidential sister Kris Aquino: “Pilipinas, Game Ka Na Ba?” and “Pilipinas Win na Win.”

Rumors say Assistant Secretary Mai Mislang also suggested a new slogan for the government’s tourism campaign but was rejected by DOT officials. Mislang’s suggestion? “Pilipinas, maraming pogi rito.”

From Japan With Love
Presidente Aquino is back from Yokohama. The successful trip was highlighted by the $2.85 billion worth of potential investments from Japan; a “fruitful” meeting with Hong Kong executive Donald Tsang, and his confirmation of a budding romance with Liz Uy.

Talking about his personal stylist Liz Uy, the president said, “We have been spending time together as our schedules will permit.” He didn’t say though if Liz Uy knew that they were spending time together.


Kris Aquino says she likes Liz Uy, and adds she wants her brother Noynoy to settle down. Noynoy says he also likes Liz Uy, and adds he wants his sister Kris to shut up.

According to an informant of entertainment editor Ricky Lo, President Aquino has had 18 girlfriends. Or as pessimists would say, 18 failed relationships.

Transport Strike:
A Postscript


Last Monday, some 5,000 passengers in Metro Manila got stranded when bus operators went on a strike in apparent protest of the number coding scheme. That’s the latest problem – involving buses – that has hounded the Aquino presidency.

A day after buses stayed off Metro Manila roads, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association (IMBOA) president Claire de la Fuente declared on TV, “There was no bus strike. Nagkasabay lang na ‘di pumasok ang mga driver.” Again, De La Fuente was not insulting our intelligence. She was assuming we don’t have any.

Semi-retired recording artist and now, IMBOA president Claire De La Fuente insisted, “There was no bus strike (last Monday). Nagkasabay lang na ‘di pumasok ang mga driver.” In giving that excuse, Claire was obviously trying to evade suspension… after her successful attempt to evade taxation.

Claire de la Fuente claims the number coding scheme on buses is unjust, as it would drastically reduce the income of bus operators by about 20 percent. But if you’re not paying your taxes honestly, why worry?

Miriam on Cabinet Men
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago says President Aquino has a “lightweight cabinet” and vowed to block the confirmation of at least six cabinet members. The feisty lawmaker added, “I will massacre these people.” In totally unrelated news, sources reveal that when Senator Santiago fell off the stage at a forum in Istanbul, Turkey recently, “una ang ulo.”

Wyngard, 58
Veteran talent manager Wyngard Tracy died before dawn last Tuesday. Wyngard was the manager of Richard Gomez, Lucy Torres, Wendell Ramos, and John Estrada who used to be managed by Douglas Quijano who passed away last year. They are now looking for a new manager. Anyone?
——————————–
“More is required of public officials than slogans and handshakes and press releases. More is required. We must hold ourselves strictly accountable. We must provide the people with a vision of the future.”
~Barbara Jordan

Survey Says
Kung ikaw ang papipiliin ng babae para sa pangulo, kanino ka?
– Team Shalani Soledad 29.59%
– Team Liz Uy 15.98%
– Wala! 54.44%

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LIGHT BITES SATURDAY

23 10 2010

INTERCEPTED TWEETS from very private accounts of political and entertainment figures in the Philippines (October 18-23, 2010)

noynoy_4real
can’t wait for tuesday’s state visit to vietnam. hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of hanoi
5 minutes ago via Slate iPad

jojo_ocho_ahhh
@vina @concertqueen sorry ladies, can’t go out with you no more. mainit ang media. next time na lang. palamigin muna natin.
about 2 hours ago from web

mrpalengke
RT @noynoy_4real hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of Hanoi — PSST! sama ulit ako. gusto ko rin ng hotdogs!
35 seconds ago via Tweet Deck

THEother_ricopuno
thank god for the long weekend. will go target shooting. i’m no longer in the news. god is really good.
45 seconds ago via Tumblr

manolingmorato
@jojo_ocho_ahhh i love your twitter handle. ocho ba talaga? :-)
about 4 hours ago via UberTwitter

direkcarlo_J
punyeta! paano ako magkakautang eh ‘di pa nga kumpleto ang bayad ng pcso sa ginawa kong series na “pangarap kong jackpot?”
2 minutes ago from web

DrPrisconilo
nakaka-miss din pala ang radio at TV interviews
43 minutes ago from Tumblr

liz_uy
nope. not going to vietnam with him. the baseless rumors are killing me. kung alam n’yo lang ang totoo. eew.
45 minutes ago from API

PAGASA
@DrPrisconilo hahahahaha!
45 minutes ago from web

noynoy_4real
@liz_uy OUCH! bahala ka.
1 hour ago via Slate iPad

jules_L
yeah men! ‘musta ka na men! masdan mo ang aking mata, ‘di mo ba nakikita, ako ngayo’y lumilipad at nasa langit na! gusto mo bang… sumama? men.
about 10 minutes ago from HootSuite

THEother_ricopuno
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” ~ Bernard Meltzer
30 minutes ago from Tweet Deck

supreme_court
we, in the high tribunal, believe that a true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
10 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

UP_Law
@supreme_court pati ba naman simpleng quotation sa twitter, plagiarized pa?
5 minutes ago

direkcarlo_J
@donna villa GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!
less than 35 seconds ago from web

supreme_court
@UP_Law nalimutan lang ‘yong attribution. OA kayo. we will cite you in contempt!
20 seconds ago

ricky_carandang
excited to check out this new resto at boni high street with @cesdrilon. sana walang media.
3 minutes ago via Slate iPad

ping!
still weighing my options. hindi ko talaga keri ang maposasan sa harap ng media.
about 2 hours ago from web

shalanisoledad
pasensya na po. next time na lang po.
2 seconds ago

green_go
@ping what options mista? u only have one at the moment: surrender! take note: DOJ sec is a woman. masamang magalit.
about 90 minutes ago from Echofon

iamkrisaquino
just finished shooting a kissing scene w/ diet. gosh, na-miss ko ‘to. it’s been, what? 10 months? hayyy.
42 minutes ago from UberTwitter

mayorLIM
pulis lang! pulis lang! ang magpapakamatay! (sinuntok ang keyboard) remember that! pulis lang!
about 1 hour ago from twitterfeed

iskomoreno
SA QUIAPO, MAY MURA MAYOR. RT @mayorLIM isko, may alam ka bang bilihan ng murang keyboard?
37 minutes ago via web

gma_in_congress
aba! bait-baitan yata si dinky kapag kaharap ako sha budget hearing. natakot shiguro. Hahaha 1 down, deles to go. weather-weather lang ‘yan.
2 days ago from web

RatedK
suuuuuper excited. hindi ko na mahintay ang january. handa na ba kayo… sa muling pamamayagpag ko?
about 5 hours ago via twitterfeed

JustJamby
oh no! i just lost tita chito’s forbes park house to my two cousins! dapat kasi nag-file ako ng appeal.
about 1 hour ago from Tweet Deck

mrpalengke
@RatedK i’m happy for you hon. araw-araw na ba uli kitang mapapanood?
2 hours ago via twitterfeed

willing_willie
this is it. salamat kay lord. tuloy na tuloy na po tayo mga kapatid. 5o’clock after e-live and startalk pero sa TV5. salamat kay MVP! @annafeliciano_choreographer ‘yong bikini ba ng mga dancers kumpleto na?
1 day ago

charo_mmk
@coryvidanes @RealGabby_Lopez huwaaat? walang TRO? pa’no na ‘yan?
20 hours ago

RealGabby_Lopez
@charo_mmk pa-draft ka ng statement kay bong osorio at lumabas ka sa ‘tv patrol’ mamaya. alam mo na ang treatment. dapat mukhang kawawa at mukhang aggrieved party tayo. will be monitoring.
21 hours ago

senator_litolapid
@senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
3 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

senator_litolapid
oo nga. mabilis nga ang message. salamat sa reply! RT @senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
1 minute ago via Tweet Deck

hayden_scent
may parating na typhoon katring. hmmm, i-video ko kaya?
20 hours ago

dyan_castillejo
@pacman FYI. i instructed my cameraman to record your sparring sessions. name is joseph. sunod na lang ako. paki-accommodate naman. thx. XOXO!
20 minutes ago via dlvr.it

pacman
@dyan_castillejo suri. no more cameras allow sa wild card gym. ‘tsaka pansin ni bob arum, subra na raw ang coverage mo, abala na sa training ko. ano nga pala ibig sabihin ng XOXO? soso?
13 minutes ago via ÜberTwitter
——————–
“Wala. Bakit? Ibibili mo ako?”
~TV host/actor German Moreno’s reply when actress Maxene Magalona asked, “Kuya Germs, meron kang Twitter?”

Survey Says
Sa iginawad na amnesty ni Pangulong Aquino sa mga coup plotters (Trillanes et al.):
– Dapat lang. Palayain sila! 36.81%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Parusahan ayon sa batas. 60.12%
– ‘Di ko alam ang issue. 3.07%

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Enjoy your long weekend!

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