KRISSY/MANNY

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”

Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?

Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?

Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Nasa Bible ba ‘yan!

-End of Interview-
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“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
- Ipasa! 81.26%
- Ibasura! 10.3%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!

YELLOW

IT’S ANOTHER HECTIC day for me. But I love Saturdays. It reminds me that I still have a job. Take that Merci Gutierrez!

I will be wearing yellow today. I want to end poverty.

I am tempted to place a bet on lotto this afternoon. The jackpot prize in the Grand Lotto (6/55) draw has reached 130 million pesos… or as Manny Pacquiao would say, “Barya lang.”

I know you’ll agree when I say that Manny Pacquiao is one heck of a lucky guy. He used to sell pan de sal, fell in love with boxing and now, he’s a billionaire. Pacman reminds me of another Manny. Villar used to sell fish, fell in love with the former Cynthia Aguilar, and now he’s a millionaire.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao will be wearing yellow gloves on fight night… formalizing his switch from Nacionalista to Liberal Party.

I saw former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza on television. He’s with Manny Pacquiao in Las Vegas. That’s actually good news. If Pacquiao loses, Atienza will be there to file a protest.

A member of Team Pacquiao suggested that Manny wears blue gloves but the fighting solon rejected it saying he’s not ready to lose.

Is President Aquino watching the Pacquiao-Mosley fight? I don’t think so. He’s currently in Indonesia for the 10th Asean summit. In other words, he’ll be working. Are you satisfied now Ramon Tulfo and Ernie Maceda?

In his Philippine Star column last May 5, former senator Ernesto Maceda advised President Aquino to “unwind in private houses away from the public view.” It worked for him, it could probably work for the President.

In case you missed Tulfo’s piece also last May 5, the Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist wrote that President Aquino “dates different women almost every night.” Huwaaaat? Have you become desperate? What’s wrong with you women?

As expected, President Aquino spoke to defend himself saying he’s no Juan Tamad. I feel bad for him. Where were you Conrado De Quiros and William Esposo when he needed you most?

By the way, al-Qaeda has confirmed the death of its leader Osama bin Laden. The question now is: when will the Abu Sayyaf Group confirm the death of Abu Sabaya?

Thanks for reading! I’ve got to go now! I have to finish my Maggi beef noodles before it gets cold. I wonder why my stomach seems to be acting up.

Have a safe weekend!
————————————————————————-
“There aren’t enough days in the weekend.”
~Rod Schmidt

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong patay na si Osama bin Laden?
OO naman! 45.97%
HINDI! Pruweba muna. 33.74%
MAYBE. 20.29%

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Still, Lakers.

WHISPERING HOPE

LP Not Giving Up
In a press conference Monday, the Liberal Party claimed that based on 88 certificates of canvass (81 percent) obtained by the party, Mar Roxas led Jejomar Binay by 137,404 votes. LP stalwarts did not reveal though whose idea was it to publicly give Roxas… false hopes.

During Liberal Party’s press con last Monday, May 17, PAGASA reported that temperature in Metro Manila sizzled at 37.3 degrees Celsius. Now you know why Binay’s lead over Roxas evaporated.

Based on official tally though, Mar Roxas is losing the vice presidential race to Jejomar Binay. Roxas and the Liberal Party are shocked. They couldn’t believe that Binay and even Erap would actually be this strong. In fact, the Binay-Erap tandem has become LP’s second strongest competition… next only to the tandem of Conrado De Quiros and William Esposo.

Questions and Answers
Q1: “Senator, hindi ba kayo naaawa kay Governor Salceda? Sunog na sunog na eh.”
A1: “Sus! ‘Di naman halata. Hayaan na natin. ‘Tsaka, nag-sunblock lotion ‘yan kanina.”

Q2: “Senator, bakit kayong lahat naka-yellow pero ‘yung mama sa likuran naka-blue?”
A2: “Naku! Hayaan mo na siya. Basta ang iboboto ng pamilya namin, ‘yung laging naka-dilaw!”

Q3: “Meron po bang ‘B?’”
A3: “Alam mo, taga-IBC 13 ka na nga lang, ikaw pa ang malakas mang-intriga! Next question pls!”

Q4: “Senator, kung mananalo po kayo at matatalo si Mar Roxas… why not?”
A4: “Lokohan na ‘to! Tama na! Aalis na kami.”

Vocal Local
In Quezon City: Actress and defeated vice mayoral candidate Aiko Melendez is reportedly filing a petition before the Comelec against what her camp alleged were “preprogrammed” PCOS machines. A shocked Melendez claimed she got zero votes in her bailiwicks… something that if proven true will finally disprove the popular notion that many Quezon City residents are idiots.

In Manila: After being trounced by incumbent mayor Alfredo Lim in the May 10 polls, mayoral candidate Lito Atienza filed an election protest claiming that some PCOS machines may have been “preprogrammed” to make Lim win even in some known Atienza bailiwicks. Asked if he took the cue from Quezon City’s Aiko Melendez, Atienza replied, “Definitely not! I can spell ‘bailiwick.’”

Accompanied by his loyal supporters, defeated mayoral candidate Lito Atienza went to the local Comelec office Monday and filed an electoral protest. But tension rose outside the office when Kuya Kim Atienza suddenly appeared, and told his dad’s supporters, “Maaaadlang pipol…. vote mo, show mo!”

In Quezon Province: Outgoing Governor Rafael Nantes was killed when his private chopper crashed in Lucena City Monday. Supporters of the defeated re-electionist were quick to deny rumors that the chopper crashed because of“shipment” overload.

Remember Rafael Nantes? The former congressman and outgoing Quezon governor who had been linked to the illegal drug trade was killed in a plane crash Monday. Probers are now checking on reports that Nantes’ private pilot was flying ‘high.’

And finally, in my home province of Batangas: Actress Vilma Santos was re-elected governor… making her the first gubernatorial candidate to win against a corpse.

Kris Stays
Amid calls for her to fulfill a promise, incoming presidential sister Kris Aquino announced Sunday that she’s not leaving the country… disappointing the 22,000plus members of the Facebook group, ‘Kris Aquino’s Despedida,‘ her brother’s critics, and James Yap.

————————-
“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Briefly Noted
Did you read Conrado De Quiros’ two-part column “about” and “against” the Hyatt 10, The Firm, and Mar Roxas diehards in the Liberal Party? Geez, these people must be debating among themselves now: who should draft the rejoinder? Will there be a Korina Sanchez vs. Conrado De Quiros Part 2? Abangan!

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sakaling matalo si Sen. Mar Roxas?
Ang ‘Team Noy-Bi’ sa Liberal Party 27%
S’ya mismo at ang mga campaign strategists niya! 46%
Wala. It’s his fate to lose. 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
My sincerest apologies to Mark Tare of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. His group requested for an interview prior to Election Day but due to a tight sked, I failed to grant their request. Anyway, here’s PCIJ’s online article on political humor: Joke the vote, pun the bets

More Personal
My LA Lakers massacred Los Suns in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. Kobe Bryant dropped 40. Wohoo!

FEBRUARY 1st

1650: Philosopher Rene Descartes who originated the statement, “Cogito ergo sum” dies. He stopped thinking.

1814: Mayon Volcano erupts killing 1,200 people. The figure could have been higher if not for the outstanding disaster management program implemented by the Albay governor who happened to be the great-great-great-great grandfather of Joey Salceda.

1965: Peter Jennings, 26, becomes anchor of ABC’s nightly news. A month later, he receives a juicy offer from Manny Pangilinan to transfer to TV5.

1978: After pleading guilty to charges of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, director Roman Polanski skips bail and escapes. He fled to Zamboanga Del Norte where he befriended Romeo Jalosjos.

1979: Exiled religious leader Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, who was imprisoned by the Shah in 1963 for his opposition to reforms, has made a triumphant return to Iran after 14 years in exile. To celebrate the momentous event, a motorcade was held in the streets of Tehran. Kohmeini was joined on the float by Lito Atienza and son, Ali.

2003: Seven astronauts perish as Columbia breaks up on re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere leaving NASA and the world in a state of disbelief. One of those who saw the event live on TV was Vicki Belo whose face would never recover from the initial shock.

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Scope Systems, and Taga-Ilog News.

THE RETURN OF THE KING

Pacquiao, H1N1, and Politics
Did you see the networks’ live coverage of Manny Pacquiao’s arrival Friday morning? Because of the swine flu scare, airport personnel became strict with the members of the press. In fact, NAIA officials were so paranoid, Jessica Soho was initially refused entry.

Following a World Health Organization advisory on H1N1, Malacañang was forced to postpone Manny Pacquiao’s motorcade in Manila. You know what that means? Lito and Ali Atienza’s kick-off campaign for 2010 will have to be rescheduled too.

Something strange happened to Manny Pacquiao as soon as cameras started taking footage of his arrival on a very sunny Friday. From black, his shadow became floral.

And did you notice how Ilocos Sur governor Luis “Chavit” Singson clung to Manny Pacquiao wherever he went? He has become too “close” to Manny, Jinkee Pacquiao starts to feel a bit romantically jealous.

Manny Pacquiao reportedly donated 100 thousand pesos to DENR in support of the government’s environmental protection campaign. Of course, his advocacy would be a lot more believable if he starts disposing of some “garbage” around him.

Did you see Aling Dionisia Pacquiao at the airport during Pacquiao’s arrival? No? You’re kidding. Of course, she’s there. It’s just that she had way too much makeover, you’d hardly recognize her.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Airport During Manny Pacquiao’s Arrival

No. 5: “Uy! Si Dyan Castillejo. Ooops, sorry, si Aling Dionisia pala.”

No. 4: “Bakit ‘di magkamukha ‘yong dalawang boys?”

No. 3: “Akala ko ba bawal lumapit ang media? Eh bakit nakapasok si Jessica?”

No 2: “Member ba ng Team Pacquiao si Chavit?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the airport during Pacquiao’s arrival…

“Hi Secretary! Hi Ali! Saan ang luau party?”

Much Ado About Martin
Martin Nievera has been criticized for singing the Philippine National Anthem the wrong way. To give you an idea how badly he sang it… Freddie Roach’ version was a lot better.

The bad news is Cavite Rep. Elpidio Barzaga Jr. mulls filing a formal complaint against singer Martin Nievera. The really bad news is he’s seeking reelection next year.

In Other News…
Korina Sanchez has bid farewell to her radio program as she takes a year off from ABS-CBN’s news programs (including Bandila) starting May 8 to focus on Mar Roxas’ campaign. The prolonged leave of absence was understandable though because it usually takes a year to prepare for a stunning defeat.

With Korina Sanchez now on leave, Ted Failon will return to their radio program. Members of the Quezon City Police District are losing sleep these days.

AkoMismo Brouhaha
AkoMismo.Org’s online campaign has generated a lot of controversy because of its apparent links to PLDT and Smart Communications. Some individuals who signed up by providing personal information including mobile phone numbers felt they’ve been had. Now, they’re signing up for a parallel campaign initiated by Globe Telecoms. It’s called KayoNaLang.Org.
________
“Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.”
~Cicero

CESPENDED

Ces Drilon Suspended

ABS-CBN suspended reporter/news anchor Ces Drilon for three months for disobeying orders that resulted in her kidnapping and that of her camera crew in Sulu last month. Drilon apologized to her superiors but nonetheless thanked them for giving her the chance to spend more time with her dermatologist, at her favorite spa, and of course, in Rustan’s.

Reacting to her three-month suspension, Ces Drilon apologized to ABS-CBN for causing anxiety to the network and for putting the lives of her crew in danger. It’s not clear though if she’s apologizing too to the people of Indanan, Sulu for putting their mayor in jail.

Pacquiao Is Back

During Manny Pacquiao’s courtesy call to President Arroyo in Malacañang last week, the president made jabs to mimic Pacquiao’s lethal punches – giving us a glimpse of what she exactly does when Mike Arroyo pisses her off.

An Inquirer report noticed the absence of large crowds at Manny Pacquiao’s motorcade in Manila last Friday. Apparently, Manileños were not informed that Lito Atienza’s family and Chavit Singson wouldn’t be riding Manny’s float this time.

If he had his way, Army reservist and boxing champion Manny Pacquiao said he would fight alongside government troops. Asked how he intends to defeat the rebels, Pacquaio replied, “Iimaginin ku na lang na Mixicans sila!”

Reports say Manny Pacquiao is donating 3million pesos to the victims of typhoon “Frank.” But that figure could still go up… depending on his luck at the baccarat table this coming week.

Bishop vs. Boxing

In his Manila Standard Today column on July 5, anti-Arroyo bishop Teodoro Bacañi Jr. confesses that he doesn’t watch boxing and won’t be heaping praises on Manny Pacquiao’s recent victory because boxing is immoral. Between boxing and sexually harassing a secretary, I’m sure Bishop Bacani knows which one is more immoral.

Miss Universe 2008

The country’s bet to the 2008 Miss Universe pageant in Vietnam, Jennifer Barrientos said that she’s sure of “bringing home the crown.” She didn’t specify though if it’s a Pepsi or a Coca-cola crown.

The Miss Universe organization scrapped the text and online voting for the Miss Photogenic contest… totally shaterring the Filipinos’ hope of winning at least a minor title in this year’s pageant.

TEAM UNITY RETURNS

Cabinet Revamp

The reported impending appointment of defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay to the Bureau of Customs has received a lot of flak. Critics say the president must appoint someone who really knows smuggling and the operation of smugglers. Malacañang agrees. The problem is – can the president appoint her husband?

Cabinet Revamp II

Last year, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Lito Atienza was appointed environment secretary. Recent reports say defeated senatorial candidate Mike Defensor will be the next press secretary, defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay the next chief of the Bureau of Customs, and defeated senatorial candidate Tito Sotto the next chair of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Yet another defeated senatorial candidate Tessie Aquino-Oreta is reportedly being eyed as the next DepEd secretary. If this trend continues, President Arroyo will soon lead a cabinet of losers.

Cabinet Revamp III

Unconfirmed reports say Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye will be replaced by defeated senatorial candidate Michael Defensor. But Bunye has nothing to worry about. According to the grapevine, he’s being groomed to replace Edu Manzano as Optical Media Board chairman – primarily due to his ability to identify fake from original tapes.

Wage Hike and the CBCP

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has joined labor groups in demanding a wage hike for Filipino workers. The Catholic Church’ call was fueled by the alleged shortfall in collected donations from parishioners recently.

Injured, Again

For the umpteenth time, the military reported that Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Hapilon has been wounded following a gunbattle. If I were to believe AFP’s claim, I’d really pity this Hapilon guy. He must be a walking scar by now. (Pang-ilan na bang “wounded” report ‘yan? I’ve lost count.)

Botched Surgery

Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan are facing a P26-million lawsuit filed by a Filipino-American who accused the couple of botching a penis enlargement procedure. Patient Louem Martinez a.k.a. Louem Boschuk claimed his penis sagged and was badly deformed after the operation. He is now seeking 20 million pesos in actual damages, 3 million pesos in moral damages, and another 3 million pesos in exemplary damages… officially making his manhood the ugliest but most expensive Filipino cock ever.