PORK BARREL AND LIGHT BULBS

2 10 2013

Light Bulb Jokes 2013

Q: How many Jeane ‘Bebe Gerr’ Napoleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to take a photo, and one to post it online.

Q: How many Benhur Luys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but he’ll replace it with a fake bulb.

Q: How many Janet Lim-Napoleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. She refuses to talk.

Q: How many Jinggoy Estradas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to criticize the residents of the house.

1
Q: How many Lorna Kapunans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Butch Abads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. He’ll just give “incentives” to those who will.

Q: How many Frank Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. But he’ll ask a bigger budget for this assignment.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to blame his ex-Chief of Staff for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many Gigi Reyeses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but with the help of Enrile.

Q: How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: For how much?

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change, and one to announce it in a press con.

Q: How many Bong Revillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’d rather hire an expert to verify if the bulb is real.

Q: How many Mark Joseph Tajo Solises and Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’d rather hire an expert to verify if the bulb is real.

Q: How many Boyet Gonzaleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to applaud the work done and say, “AMAZING! [Aloha!]”

Q: How many ER Ejercitos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but the replacement bulb will be costly and ‘over budget.’

Q: How many Nur Misuaris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll have his men do it instead.

A: Announcement: It has been changed.
Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Tiwala ka lang kay Lord… there will be light.”
————————————————————————–
“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Di lang matanggap ng aking kalaban na lamang ako sa kanya ng 78,000, at mas guwapo ako sa kanya.”
~Laguna Governor ER Ejercito who was disqualified by the Comelec for overspending in the last elections

Merry Christmas!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2013)

12 04 2013

ANOTHER DOSE of light bulb jokes for the weekend. Enjoy!

LB
Q: How many Franklin Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to hold the ladder. (Careful!)

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to slam the previous administration for the old, overpriced bulb.

Q: How many Toby Tiangcos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but on condition that you’ll first identify the group who paid for the new bulb.

Q: How many Jackie Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. She’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Teddy Casiños does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to criticize the government for approving the power rate hike.

Q: How many political dynasties does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll insist that there’s nothing wrong with the bulb.

Q: How many politicians and DPWH officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change it, another to change it again, and one more to change it for the third time even if the bulb is still working.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But he’ll ask the other senators to do it in exchange for bonuses.


Q: How many JV Ejercitos, Imee Marcoses and Manny Villars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Secret.

Q: How many Migz Zubiris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll quit the job halfway.

Q: How many Aga Muhlachs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Is he even a resident of the house?

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to change it, two to speak against the old bulb, and one to just quietly sit there and wonder why the changing of the bulbs has to be aired live on TV.

Q: How many Ongpaucos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen: 7 to change it, and 8 to reverse it.

Q: How many Catholic bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They refuse to accept change.

Q: How many South Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who needs artificial light when you have thousands of Moons and Suns?

Q: How many Mindanaoans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What for? They don’t have electricity.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Bakit pa? Wala naman silang kuryente.

Q: How many Ricky Los does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why not change it yourself?

Q: How many PUP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to burn the old bulb.

Q: How many UST students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it, one to write an editorial praising UST’s superiority over Ateneans and La Sallians when it comes to changing light bulbs.


Q: How many Kiefer Ravenas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to assist and one to change it.

Q: How many UP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100: one – to lift another so he could change the light bulb, and 98 to cheer them on.

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “I’m sorry pare but I’m busy with my new car eh. What’s a light bulb pare?”
——————————————-
“You have to find what sparks a light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“Before I die, I want to say that the one who killed my son is Jackie Enrile.”
~Retired Navy Capt. Ernesto Lucas, father of 19-year-old Ernest Jr. who was allegedly killed by Jackie Enrile in 1975

Have a great weekend!

[Photos: YahooPh]





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2012)

15 04 2012

Q: How many Noynoy Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to blame the failure of the old bulb on the previous administration

Q: How many Noynoy Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But the more important question is: will he do it?

Q: How many Noynoy Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to release photos of him installing the new bulb.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. One to change it and nine to send a text blast telling Filipinos about his accomplishment.

Q: How many Niel Tupases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45! No, only 24. Wait, it think it’s 6 17.

Q: How many Serafin Cuevases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to install the new bulb and another to defend the materiality, pertinence, and relevance of the installation.


Q: How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another to lecture the electrician on the correct way of installation.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to talk about how much better it was during Martial Law.

Q: How many Toby Tiangcos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He won’t. He thinks the ladder is defective.

Q: How many Miro Quimbos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to blame the media if the new bulb doesn’t work.

Q: How many “small ladies” does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Maybe one. Or none? Nobody knows for sure.

Q: How many Renato Coronas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But some sectors will question his capacity to finish the job.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ‘Di na kailangan ‘yan. Genesis 1:3: And God said “Let there be light.” And there was light.

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to write a book about the burnt bulb.

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. Again, the ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Judge Jesus Mupases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re late. He just did!

Q: How many Franklin Drilons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. But… careful with the ladder!

Q: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to ask the people to embrace ‘change.’

Q: How many Lakas politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lakas? What Lakas? They’re now Liberals!


Q: How many Ex-Palawan Governor Joel T. Reyeses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and a dozen more to chant, “Tama na! Pundido na! Palitan na!”

Q: How many Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to blame America for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many Pulse Asias and Social Weather Stations does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depende. Sang-ayon ba kayo na sila ang magpalit ng bumbilya?
__ Labis na sumasang-ayon __ Sumasang-ayon __ Tumututol __ Labis na Tumututol

Q: How many Zeny Maglayas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to file a complaint against the manufacturer of the original bulb.

Q: How many Philippine Daily Inquirers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to take photos, one to publish the unflattering photo, and one to apologize for the publication of the photo.

Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but there’s no assurance that the new bulb will work upon installation.

Q: How many Sharon Cunetas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to tweet a Biblical passage related to bulbs.

Q: How many Grace Lees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to tell the press about the experience.

Q: How many Azkals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. Two to change it, and nine to laugh during the installation of the new bulb.

Q: How many UP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another to blame the state for its lack of support.

Q: How many Ateneans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another to brag about the feat.

Q: How many La Sallistas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. We forgot the calculator at home.

Q: How many UST students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No need. They have candles. Pray na lang muna.

Q: How many UPLB students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don’t need to replace the light bulb. They need to replace their mayor.

Q: How many Wenn Deramases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but he needs Deejay Durano to hold the ladder.
———————————————–
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”
~ Plato

In Other News…
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is set to join PDP-Laban. From Lakas to Nacionalista to Liberal supporter to Laban member. Pacman doesn’t need a party. He needs conviction.

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2011)

27 06 2011

ANOTHER DOSE of Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to blame the Arroyo administration for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, because there are at least three defective light bulbs that give him a headache.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll ask the Vice President to change it.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But first, he’ll do a public consultation to determine whether the light bulb should be changed or not.

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it, and four others to compose a special task force that will investigate why the old light bulb burnt out.

Q: How many Abigail Valtes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to defend the accomplishment – in case Cong. Mitos Magsaysay questions it.

Q: How many Attorney Edwin Lacierdas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter. What’s important is, at the end of the day, the old bulb is replaced.

Q: How many Cotabato City mayors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he won’t do it. Instead he’ll pass on the task to the national government.

Q: How many Filipino teachers and pupils does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One teacher to change it and 60 pupils to say, “Good work Miss De Los Reyes!”

Q: How many members of the defunct PAOCTF does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to give instructions, one to change it, one to shoot the old bulb, and one to destroy the evidence of the shooting.

Q: How many Merceditas Gutierrezes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: She won’t! There’s insufficient evidence that the light bulb needs to be changed.

Q: How many Ninoy and Cory loyalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and a million to chant, “Tama na! Pundido na! Palitan na!”

Q: How many Jose Rizals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But his books about darkness will inspire a secret society to change it.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Bakit ku gawin ‘yan? Nasa Buy-bul ba ‘yan?”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, maybe. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Samar & Balay members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why would he? He’s not afraid of the dark.

Q: How many UP students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and one to blog about the experience.

Q: How many Ateneo students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Yaya, can you make palit na the bumbilya sa sala?”

Q: How many La Salle students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How many Sharon Cunetas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to hold the ladder. Careful.

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Magkano dung?

Q: How many oil companies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Oil companies prefer screwing the public.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change, and another to tell the whole world about it.

And finally…
Q: How many Tulfos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Tarantado! Hindi namin trabaho ‘yan. Punyeta ka! Gago!”

In the News…
Of the five highest officials of the land, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted according to the latest Pulse Asia survey. Binay got an approval rating of 83 percent. The rest or 17 percent knew better.

GMA vs. Aquino
Administration allies slammed former president, and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for saying that the government was “leaderless.” I think Filipinos would get used to it though. After all, we survived nine years of a government that was shameless.
—————————————————————————
“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

Today is June 27th…
On this day in 2005, then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo admitted to calling a Comelec official (whom she did not identify) during the May 2004 presidential elections. She called it a “lapse in judgment” and apologized for it.

Separated At Birth?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson and his BFF, former police Senior Supt. Michael Ray Aquino.

Quote of the Weak
“Ito ay isang malinaw na insulto sa ating Civil Code at sa katuruan ng Simbahang Katolika! Kawawa naman ang mga taong ito! Wala nang kinikilalang Diyos! Wala na rin silang paggalang sa kanilang sarili! Dapat na matigil ang kahibangang ito! Ang mga nagpakasal at nagkasal ay mayroong mga problema sa pag-iisip.”
~Catholic Bishop Carlito Cenzon reacting to reports that pastors of the Metropolitan Community Church of Metro Baguio officiated the wedding of at least eight gay couples in Baguio City last June 25

You Have Spoken
Isang taon matapos maluklok sa puwesto, ano ang grado mo sa administrasyong Aquino?
-Great! Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan! 2.95%
-Very good! 5.9%
-Puwede na! 31.94%
-Bagsak! 59.21%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a great week!








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