KRISSY/CHIZZY

15 06 2011

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

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[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]





NAGPAPATROL, 24 ORAS

5 06 2011

SA UNANG PAGKAKATAON sa kasaysayan ng telebisyon, sumasainyo ang programang hatid ng pinagsanib na puwersa ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs at GMA News and Public Affairs.

Live mula sa panulukan ng dalawang kalsadang hindi namin puwedeng pangalanan, “Nagpapatrol… 24 Oras!”


Kabayan: Magandang gabi bayan!
Mike: Ekskyus me pow Kabayan! Parang ako yata ang dapat mag-introw ng show na itow!
Korina: No Mike, mas nauuna talaga kaming pumasok. Sa sobrang haba ng OBB n’yo, nasa first item na kami, headlines pa lang kayo.
Mel Tiangco: Nakow huh! Aba’y nakatutok pala talaga kayo sa programa namin ‘noh? Pati haba ng opening namin alam na alam mo! Pambihira!
Ted: Ehem. Humahaba na po ang diskusyon. We are on live TV. Simulan na natin. Ako si Ted Failon… ngayon!

Kabayan: Sa detalye ng mga nagbabagang balita! Tinanggihan ni dating senador Mar Roxas ang alok ni Pangulong Aquino na maging kalihim ng Department of Transportation and Communications kapalit ng nagbitiw na si Secretary Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Nagpapatrol… si alVEEEN Elchico!
Alvin: Kabayan, nag-anunsyo na naman ng piso kada-litrong pagtataas sa presyo ng gasolina ang tatlong higanteng kompanya ng…

[Nawala sa screen si Alvin, nag-black ang screen then umapir ang logo ng “Nagpapatrol… 24Oras”]

Kabayan: A-che-che! Nagkamali ako ng tinawag na reporter. Pasensya na alVEEEn! Mabuti pa, kausapin na lang natin nang live si dating senador Mar Roxas. Magandang gabi Senator!

MarRoxas: Magandang gabi naman sa ‘yo Kabayan at sa mga tagapanood n’yo. At higit sa lahat, good evening sa misis kong nariyan sa studio. Kung ‘di dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makukumbinsing magpa-interview ngayon. Alam mo na!

Kabayan: Totoo bang tinanggihan mo ang alok ng Pangulo na maging DoTC secretary?
MarRoxas: Alam mo kabayan, kahit kailan naman, hindi ako nagsalita tungkol sa kahit anong offers o non-offer. Basta ako, I will serve for the pleasure of the president. Basta’t ikakaligaya niya, pagseserbisyuhan ko siya.

Kabayan: Sabi ni Secretary Ochoa, patuloy na dini-define ang iyong functions as presidential chief of staff…
MarRoxas: ‘Yon nga ang ‘di ko maintindihan Kabayan. Isang buwan nang dini-define ni Ochoa ‘yan pero Hunyo na, wala pa ring linaw. Kung gugustuhin niyang matapos ang pag-define, maraming paraan. Pero kung ayaw, talagang matatagalan. Inip na nga ako eh.

Kabayan: Anong reaksyon mo sa pahayag ni Sen. Chiz Escudero na mas makakabuting sa DoTC ka?
MarRoxas: Mas makakabuting manahimik siya! Hindi ko kailangan ang advice n’ya.
Kabayan: Kasi raw, according to Chiz, kapag nasa palasyo ka at kasama ni Ochoa, baka magkagulo pa…
MarRoxas: Ayusin n’ya muna ang gulo sa buhay n’ya!
Kabayan: Huling tanong na lang senador… wala pa ba kayong balak magkaroon ng baby ni Ate Koring?
MarRoxas: Saka na ‘yan Kabayan kapag defined na ang functions ko bilang asawa niya.
Kabayan: Maraming salamat dating senador Mar Roxas. Korina…

[Title Card: Marcos Burial]

Korina: Sa ibang balita… full military honors para sa libing ng pinatalsik na diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos! Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino ni Vice President Je… achooo! Pasensya na po, sinisipon ako. Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino period! Ayon sa nabuong report ni Vice Presid… achooo! Grabe na talaga ang sipon ko. Sorry. Ayon sa nabuong report, bibigyan ng full military honors ang dating pangulo ngunit ang interment service ay isasagawa hindi sa Libingan ng mga Bayani kundi sa Ilocos Norte. Kaugnay ng balitang ‘yan, makakausap natin si Vice Presi… achooooooooooooo! May makakausap po tayo, period. Nasa linya na raw yata siya. I’m not sure. Hi!
Vice President Binay: Magandang gabi Korina. Salamat sa pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.
Korina: Ahm, parang may technical problems po tayo. Wala akong marinig.
Vice President Binay: Kung hindi mo marinig, ipapaliwanag ko na lang sa mga nanonood. Alam n’yo mga kababayan…
Korina: Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo pero napakasama talaga ng signal natin. Susubukan po naming maibalik…
Vice President Binay: Hindi ako nawala. Narito ako Korina.
Korina: Basta, we’ll try to call again. Narito muna si Mike…

[Title Card: Ronda Alerto Patrol 24!]

Mike: Huling-huwli ang SUV ng aktowr na si Richard Gutierrez na nag-ow-owverspeed sa kahabaan ng Cowmmonwealth Avenyow na kilala rin sa tawag na killer highway sa Quezown City. May live na owlat mula sa tanggapn ng MMDA si Michael Fajatin. Michael?
Michael: Mike, pasado alas-otso nang umaga nang hulihin ng MMDA ang driver ng sasakyan ni Richard Gutierrez. Ngunit… ahm, matapos ang ilang negosasyon, ito’y matapos na, tinicketan siya, tinicketan siya Mike, pagkatapos nito, hindi na sila nag-away, nag-away sila sa simula, pagkatapos nito’y nagkaroon sila ng ahhh, pag-aaway sa simula.
Mike: Klarowng-klarow ang repowrt mo Michael. Pero anow ‘towng nabalitaan naming sumugod daw diyan ang ina ni Richard. Bakit?
(Commotion)
Annabelle: Akin na ‘yang mikrupunu mu dung! At ‘yung kamiraman dung. Tutuk mu sa akin ang kamira dung! Hillu! Hillu! Si Mike Inrikiz ba ‘tu?
Mike: Mga Kapusow, live pow mula sa MMDA, si Ms Annabelle Rama!
Annabelle: Hay naku dung! Walang alam si Rechard! Inusinti ang anak ku dung! Natotolog siya sa kutsi nang paliparen ng driver niya dung!

Mike: Teka lang, nasaan ba si Richard? Bakit kayo ang nagpapaliwanag?
Annabelle: May teyping ng Captin Barbill ang anak ku! ‘Di puwiding abalahin! Basta! ‘Yung driver niya ang bubu dung! Idadamay pa niya ang anak ku! Nag-highblood tuloy ang dugo ko dung.
Mike: May mensahe ka ba sa MMDA enfowrcer na humuli sa driver ng anak mow?
Annabelle: Basta ang anak ku, walang kasalanan! He was the victims here! Wala akong message sa MMDA dung! Piro may minsahi lang ako dun sa maliit na batang si Xyriel Manabat dung! Huuuuuy! Hende ka pa man sekat day! Sinwirti ka lang sa 100 Gays to Hivin day! Piro, mas sekat pa rin ang anak kung si Rechard day! ‘Yun lang dung! Ibalek ku na dong ang mikrupunu at kamira kay Michael Pahada.
Michael: Fajatin po Tita.
Annabelle: Huwag mu kung tawaging Tita dung! Hindi kita pamangkin!
Mike: Maraming salamat Michael Fajatin… live mula sa MMDA sa Lungsod ng Makati.

[Title Card: Suma-Survey!]

Ted: Bago ko ibigay ang Suma-Survey question ngayong gabi, ‘wag kalimutan ang tampok sa aking programang “Failon: Now Na!” – ang inirereklamong mga fish cages diyan sa Talisay, Batangas. Akalain n’yo yun! Hindi pala mga Pinoy ang owner ng daan-daang illegal fish cages diyan sa Taal Lake kundi mga Chinese nationals! Plano nga raw ng mga residente ng Talisay na mag-file ng diplomatic protest sa China na inaakusahan nila ng territorial incursion. Pangamba ng mga residente, baka bukas o makalawa ay angkinin na rin ng mga Intsik ang lawa!


May exclusive interview din tayo sa isang bangus na himalang nakaligtas sa fish kill. Talaga naman pong makapanindig-balahibo ang kaniyang mga rebelasyon. Sa maniwala kayo’t sa hindi, ibinunyag ng nakaligtas na bangus na nagsasalita raw hindi ng Tagalog, kundi Mandarin ang isang grupo ng fingerlings sa pinanggalingan niyang fish cage! Malaking isyu ito kapag nagkataon! Kaya’t huwag na huwag n’yong palalampasin bukas nang hapon ang “Failon: Now Na!”

Buweno, narito na ang survey question natin ngayong gabi! Sa inyong palagay, magkakaasawa kaya ang pangulo bago matapos ang kanyang termino?
A. Wish Ko Lang!
B. Depende sa gusto ni Kris.
C. Thank you for that wonderful question Sir. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Las Vegas!
D. ‘Yong malaswaaa! Ang gusto kong pakialaman n’yo ‘yong malaswaaa!

To vote, type: Matanda (space) Binata (space) Your Answer (space) Address (space) Signature, and send to 23666 for all networks. Kapag walang signature, hindi bibilangin ang boto. Samantala, narito naman si Tita Mel…

[Title Card: Sagip Kapusong Totoo]

Mel Tiangco: Thank you Ted. Gumuguwapo ka yata ‘no huh? Kahapon ay dumulog sa tanggapan ng GMA Kapuso Foundation ang isang beinte anyos na babaeng itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Rosario. Medyo kakaiba ang problema ng Kapuso nating ito ano po. At upang higit nating maunawaan ang kanyang pinagdadaanan, minabuti nating kausapin nang live ngayong gabi si Rosario. Paalala lamang sa mga viewers, medyo maselan po ang isyung ating tatalakayin kaya’t ipinapayo namin sa mga magulang na gabayan ang inyong mga anak sa panonood. Magandang gabi Rosario…

Rosario: Good evening naman po Tita Mel.
Mel: Ikaw na ang magkwento iha. Ano ba ang problema mo at paano ka namin matutulungan?
Rosario: Kapapanganak ko lang po last March Tita Mel. Two months old po ‘yong baby ko last May 30. Gusto po ng ama ng baby ko na sundan kaagad ito.
Mel: Pambihira naman pala ‘no! Matanong ko lang, nasaan ba ang ama ng baby mo?
Rosario: Busy po eh. May misa.
Mel: Ano?
Rosario: Pari po ang ama ng baby ko.
Mel: Por diyos por santo! Pari ang ama ng baby mo?!? Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Bakit po? Anong nakakagulat do’n Tita Mel? Matagal nang uso ‘yon. Heller!
Mel: ‘Tapos gusto na namang masundan??? Pambihira!
Rosario: ‘Yon po ang problema ko Tita. Anti-RH bill po siya. Tuwing magtatalik kami, ayaw n’yang gumamit ng condom. Wala daw po sa Bible ‘yon!
Mel: Pambihira ‘no?! Mahirap nga ‘yang pinasok mo iha. Masyadong personal ang iyong problema! Anong tulong ang kailangan mo sa aming istasyon?
Rosario: Blackmail po.
Mel: Blackmail? Pambihira! Anong blackmail?
Rosario: Ganito po ‘yon Tita Mel. (To camera) Babe! Ayaw kong gawin ‘to… dahil, in fairness, mahal naman kita! Pero mapilit ka eh. Kapag ‘di ka pa nag-condom mamayang gabi, mapipilitan akong ibunyag ang pangalan mo at ang parokyang pinaglilingkuran mo! ‘Yon lang!
Mel: Aba’y maganda nga ‘yang naisip mo iha! Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Salamat po sa tulong Tita Mel.

[Title Card: Star Chika Minute Patrol]


GretchenF: Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya, narito na ang ating balitang showbiz…
Pia G: Chikaaaaa Minute! Mga Kapuso, tutukan n’yo ang mainit na panayam ni Nelson Canlas kay…
GretchenF: Teka lang! Nauna akong pumasok dito ah!
Pia G: Paanong ‘di ka mauuna eh binalya mo ako papasok sa studio. Balyenang flirt!
GretchenF: Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako balyena! ‘Tsaka mas sikat ang aming mga artista!
Pia G: Excuse me too! Walaaaaaa kaming artista at all! ‘Di n’yo kaya ‘yon! May showbiz segment kami pero wala kaming artista! Fine! Mauna ka na!

GretchenF: Mga Kapamilya… kapapasok pa lang ng balitang ito: Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion… break na raw?
Pia G: Hahhahah! Pinaglololoko n’yo ang mga viewers n’yo!
GretchenF: Tumahimik ka d’yan kung ayaw mong paglapitin ko ang mga mata mo!
Pia G: Whatever!
GretchenF: As I was saying mga Kapamilya, malakas ang bulung-bulungan na hiwalay na nga raw sina KC at Papa Piolo. Nagpapatrol… Mario Dumaual.

Mario: Apat na buwan matapos umaming “sila na,” kumalat kanina ang tsismis na break na raw sina Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion. Magugunitang naging kontrobersyal ang ginawang pag-amin ng dalawa noong Enero sa “The Buzz.” Sa katunayan, sa isinagawang joint survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia from March 5 to 10, lumabas na 99.95 percent ng mga Pilipino ang nagsabing “Etchos lang” ang relasyon ng dalawa samantalang .05 percent naman ang sumagot na, “Waley!” Ang natitirang .01 percent ay nagsabing, “Wehhh?” Tumanggi munang magbigay ng pahayag sina KC at Piolo hangga’t hindi natatapos ang kanilang kontrata sa isang brand ng canned tuna at isang brand ng berdeng tsaa. Mario Dumaual, Patrol ng Pilipino!

[Last Segment: Free For All Chikahan]

Kabayan: Uy, balita ko babalik na sa puwesto si Virginia Torres ng LTO. Ang lakas niya pala talaga sa pangulo. Dalawang buwang suspendido pero and’yan pa rin sa puwesto.
Mike: Alam mow Kabayan, ibinalita namin sa 24Oras last week, nakakagamowt daw ng cancer ang mga tuko!
Korina: Ibig n’yo bang sabihin, cancer-free ang mga tao sa LTO kasi may tuko do’n?
Ted: Ikaw ang nagsabi niyan! Pero ayon nga sa tweet ni Kumareng Lynda Jumilla, the Balay and Samar blocs are passé. Ang namamayagpag daw ngayon: ang paksyong SB: Shooting Buddies!
Mel: Oo nga ‘no?! Pambihirahh!

[Extro]

Ted: At ‘yan po ang mga balitang aming nakalap sa mas malawak na pagpapatrol!
Mel: Mga balitang aming tinutukan sa nakalipas na 24 Oras. Maraming salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala!
Korina: Kami ang mga Patrol ng Pilipino… hanggang bukas!
Mike: Ito po ang GMA walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan, serbisyong totoo lang. At dahil hindi natutulog ang mga balita, nakatut…
Noli: Tama naaaaa! Ang haba-haba ng extro n’yo! OT na tayo! Magandang gabi bayan!

[Closing Credits]

-The End-
———————————————————————
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
~Anonymous

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





QUITTERS, INC.

3 06 2011

FORMER LOS ANGELES Lakers slotman Shaquille O’Neal has called it quits. Shaq was quick to clarify though that he quit for “personal reasons” and not because of a power struggle between rival factions in his team.

Sources say Shaquille O’Neal wants to go back to being a private citizen. He also dismissed rumors that he quit because of the impending return of Assistant Secretary Virginia Torres to the LTO.

Next DoTC Chief?
According to Newsbreak, defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas has been offered the DoTC post to be vacated soon by Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Without naming names though, President Aquino said the intended substitute asked for more time to think about the offer. Let’s all hope that by Monday, Korina Sanchez has made a decision.

First, it was the post of executive secretary, then presidential chief of staff. Now, it’s the DoTC. The President has so much trust in Mar Roxas, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s offered the presidency.

Disputed Territory
Chinese Embassy spokesperson Michelle Zhao has denied allegations of illegal military incursions into Philippine territorial waters in the South China Sea. Out of force of habit, the Philippine government believed her.


Fish Pens
Local officials in Talisay, Batangas admit Chinese businessmen own and operate several fish cages in the area. We worry so much about South China Sea and yet, we can’t even protect Taal Lake.


Marcos Burial
Reports say Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos… not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani though but in Ilocos Norte. It was also recommended that the refrigerated body be carried to the cemetery by a specially designed funeral vehicle – a thaw truck.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos. A 21-gun salute will be fired by a group of seven soldiers including Carlos F. Garcia, Jacinto Ligot, George Rabusa, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva.

Facebook Ban
City hall employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts and play computer games during office hours. You know what that means? Half-day na lang ang pasok! Yehey!

Local government employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts. Disgruntled employees immediately changed their status to “It’s Complicated.”


Double Dead
Double-dead milkfish or botchang bangus that were confiscated in wet markets were brought to crocodile parks in Quezon City and Pasay. But park supervisors said they could only accommodate so much. The remaining botchang bangus are now being delivered to Congress.

Lotto Winner
The lone winner of the 356-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot is a 60-year-old slum-dwelling barangay tanod and part-time carpenter from Las Piñas City who was a recipient of the agency’s medical assistance last month, has six children, and whose siblings reside in Bicol. These vital pieces information came from PCSO General Manager Jose Ferdinand Rojas II a.k.a. Tim Yap.

Overseas…
Dr. Jacob “Jack” Kevorkian has died. He was 83. It wasn’t clear though if he helped himself die.

When Osama Bin Laden bumped into Dr. Kevorkian in hell, the Al Qaeda leader asked, “Want a job? My suicide bombers need help.”
—————————————————————–
“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
~Lance Armstrong

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang magkaroon ng divorce sa Pilipinas?
– Panahon na! 61.34%
– Hindi na kailangan! 32.91%
– Hindi ko alam. 5.75%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever





THE GOOD WIVES (?)

6 03 2011


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
– Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
– Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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TROUBLESHOOTERS

22 02 2011


Postponed
China has delayed the execution of three Filipinos found guilty of drug smuggling. That was the good news that reverberated last Friday from Beijing to Manila – and to the Spratly Islands.

Vice President Jejomar Binay said China’s decision to delay the execution of three Filipinos was historic since Beijing has never postponed executions in the past. In fact, not even Great Britain was able to stop the execution of a British national in 2009 for drug smuggling. But then again, Britain does not lay claim to the Spratlys.

Some political observers say the stay of execution for three Filipinos could be related to the Spratly dispute. Manila goes “quiet” on its claim on the islands, Beijing delays the execution. Squid pro quo.


Special Envoys
Three days after sending Vice President Jejomar Binay to China, President Aquino sent former senator Mar Roxas to Taiwan. Last Friday, China postponed the execution of three Filipinos convicted of drug trafficking in Beijing. Samar Group, 1: Balay Group, 0.

Three Filipinos were to be executed in China and Jejomar Binay was sent to Beijing. Fourteen Taiwanese were deported to mainland China by the Philippines; Taiwan got mad and Mar Roxas was sent to Taipei. Rumors say the original choice for the Beijing trip was Roxas but Chinese officials opted to meet Binay citing its “one VP policy.”

Losing vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas was sent to Taiwan to “seek understanding.” Unconfirmed reports say while Taiwanese officials graciously welcomed Roxas, they refused to accept his explanation saying the one year ban on defeated candidates was still in effect.

This just in (11:30PM Tuesday):
Reports say Taiwan is still unhappy despite Mar Roxas’ visit. Or as Conrado De Quiros and the Samar Group would call it, “failed mission.”


RH Bill
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines has reportedly pulled out of the Reproductive Health bill dialogue with the government. But President Aquino is not giving up on the CBCP yet. To appease the bishops, he is sending Vice President Binay to talk to them.

The CBCP has pulled out of the RH Bill talks with the government. Malacañang is accusing the bishops of practicing ‘withdrawal method.’

UST & the RH Bill
University of Santo Tomas professor Aguedo Florence Jalin Jr. instructed his students to post anti-RH bill remarks/comments on the Facebook page of (RH bill proponent) party-list group Akbayan in exchange for “bonus points” in class. When Akbayan officials noticed the “flooding” on the FB page, they knew UST was somehow involved.

Receiving an instruction from their professor, UST students flooded Akbayan’s Facebook page with anti-RH Bill remarks complete with their full names, courses, and school. That’s not surprising though. It’s really hard to change the mindset of a 400-year-old.


And then there were 3!
TV5 has unveiled its own news channel while GMA Network is set to launch GMA News TV on February 28. Senators and congressmen can’t wait to conduct more inquiries and investigations in aid of legislation.


Edsa Anniversary
The country is celebrating the 25th anniversary of Edsa People Power on Friday. Some 5,000 policemen will be deployed to provide security. And that’s for the President’s Porsche alone.

According to the EDSA People Power Commission, everything is set for the country’s celebration of the 25th anniversary of the 1986 Edsa People Power Revolution. Several activities have been lined up for Friday’s momentous occasion. The expected highlight of the event is the launching of the government’s own news channel.

Smokin’ President
Palace spokesman Attorney Edwin Lacierda says President Aquino has cut down on smoking. In fact, the President now consumes only half… of each cigarette stick that he lights up.

ER the Actor
Reports say former character actor, now Laguna Governor ER Ejercito is making not just one but two comeback movies this year… totally disproving the notion that very bad acting is never rewarded.

ER Ejercito will star in the Emilio Aguinaldo biopic. The Laguna governor is flattered. It will be the first movie in which he won’t play a crazed junkie.


Donaire Wins
Nonito Donaire Jr. has won the WBC/WBO bantamweight titles by knocking out Fernando Montiel of Mexico last Sunday. Donaire has practically won every single fight he had in the past 12 months… except for that one against his parents.

Korina and Mar
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Korina Sanchez categorically denied rumors she and Mar Roxas have called it quits telling an entertainment columnist, “My relationship with Mar has become deeper, more nourishing and happier.” In the interest of fairness, the Philippine Daily Inquirer will try to get the side of Roxas as soon as possible.
——————————-
“I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”
~Star Trek, Mr. Spock


Briefly Noted
Probably out of force of habit, the Department of Tourism replaced the slogan “Tara, Biyahe Tayo” with its new campaign “Pilipinas, Tara Na!” | Tara na? Where? Sa Hong Kong?

Briefly Noted, Too
Have you seen Manny Pacquiao’s Datu Puti TVC? The copy includes the following lines:
Freddie Roach impersonator: May asim pa si Mommy.
Mommy Dionisia: May toyo ka yata eh.

In the version I caught last night, Mommy Dionisia’s “may toyo” line was noticeably edited out. Derogatory much?

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, mai-impeach ba ng Kamara si Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Oo naman. May tiwala ako sa kanila. 21.95%
Asa pa! Kanya-kanyang interes ‘yan! 56.1%
Hintayin na lang natin. 21.95%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


Personal
Congratulations to Kobe Bryant, the MVP of the 60th NBA All-Star Game in LA. Great work West All Stars! Sorry, LeBron James. Go ahead, cry now. #beattheheat

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Ingat!





KrissyLeaks

9 12 2010


A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.


TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.


TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
- Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
– Sumalangit nawa! 25%
– No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
– Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
Enjoy the rest of the week!

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FIGURES

10 11 2010


Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.


Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?


Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
—————————————
“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7’s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
– OO. Why not? 21.44%
– HINDI. 44.37%
– Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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NEWS/CASH

8 11 2010


STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
– Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
– Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
– Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

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ONE LAST CRY?

28 06 2010


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!





FENG SHUI

1 06 2010


REPORTS SAY President-apparent Noynoy Aquino doesn’t want to live in Malacañang because it has ‘negative vibes’ on him. To prove his claim, Noynoy revealed that whenever he was at the palace during the presidency of his mom, “Lagi akong ‘game over’ sa Pacman.”

Noynoy Aquino was quoted to have said that he doesn’t want to stay in Malacañang because the palace has “negative vibes” on him. He is now choosing between his house on Times Street and the Manila Cathedral!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino says he will not live at the Arlegui mansion inside Malacañang compound because “Living in it, by myself, will just emphasize being alone,” – to which Ninoy and Cory said, “Anak, hindi ka nag-iisa!” Awoo!


Eighty Percent
Do you still remember Noynoy Aquino’s pre-election promise that if elected president, he’d be sharing up to 80 percent of his job with his one and only partner Mar Roxas? Well, here’s the latest: Mar Roxas has just sent his ‘No, thanks!’ message.

The bad news is Noynoy Aquino won’t be able to share up to 80 percent of his presidential powers with Mar Roxas. The really bad news is Jejomar Binay is reportedly willing to take 100 percent.

Now it can be told! Remember when Noynoy Aquino promised to share up to 80 percent of his job with Mar Roxas? Rumors say Roxas told Noynoy, “You want me to do 80 percent of your job?!? Who the hell do you think you are, Korina?!?”

World No-Tobacco Day
The World Health Organization declared May 31 as World No-Tobacco Day, or as Noynoy Aquino would call it, “Whateverrr!”

Congress & Canvassing
Congress has started counting electronically-transmitted votes for president and vice president. Apart from computer glitches, authors of the elections automation law admit they did not foresee a much bigger problem that threatens to further delay the canvassing – Didagen Dilangalen.

Inquirer is No. 1
According to the latest survey conducted by The Nielsen Co., the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No.1 newspaper in the country followed by the Manila Bulletin and the Philippine Star. The Manila Times is planning to sue Nielsen after the paper placed 6th.

The latest Nielsen survey showed that the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No. 1 newspaper in the country today. To beat the Inquirer, the Philippine Star is reportedly getting Chiz Escudero as endorser.
————————
“Home is where you can scratch where it itches.”
~Anonymous

Surveys Says
Sa pangkalahatan, ano ang masasabi mo sa presidency ni Gng. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?
Excellent job! 5%
Good work! 11%
Puwede na. 20%
Buwisit! 64%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
GMA News.TV: How did the presidential and vice-presidential candidates do in your province?

Newsbreak: Corona’s somersaults





MAR OH MAR!

13 05 2010


NOYNOY AQUINO and Jejomar Binay topped ABS-CBN and Pulse Asia’s exit polls. Mar Roxas is now thinking of a ‘gracepoll’ exit.

But another report says, until the last vote is counted, Mar Roxas will not concede the vice presidency… and Korina Sanchez will not concede to Dr. Ellen B.

Happy Birthday!
Sen. Mar Roxas is celebrating his 53rd birthday today, May 13. This morning, he got the surprise of his life when Korina Sanchez blew his candle.

Rumors say Mar Roxas wants to invite everyone, including his political enemies to a Tom and Jerry-themed party. Roxas wants to play Tom, Binay will be the Jerry.

But his wife Korina insists on having a cowboy-themed celebration. She can’t wait to shoot Chiz Escudero.

Korina has also rejected another suggestion to have a Batibot-inspired party. She really hates Kiko Matsing.

Doňa Judy Araneta-Roxas has another idea though. She wants her son to invite Nanay Curing Villar for a Barney and Friends Birthday Party. You know, dinosaurs.

Why, even the newest Liberal, Joey Salceda has a suggestion – an X-Men themed event!

Several Iglesia ni Cristo members have confirmed attendance to Mar Roxas’ party. But the INC members will bring just one common gift for him.

Loren Legarda will also attend the party. But before accepting the invitation, she made sure that ABS-CBN is not covering it live and no Wireless Audience Response System will be used during the event.

Unconfirmed reports say Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros has been invited to speak at the birthday party. So expect the columnist to endorse Roxas in the next elections.

You know who else is celebrating his birthday today? Robert Pattinson. Yeah, sharing the same birthday today are Robert Pattinson and Mar Roxas – one whose career was launched via ‘Twilight’ and another who’s in the twilight of his career.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Senator, this is TJ Manotoc. I have good news on your birthday. Got two complimentary tix here for the repeat concert of Tears for Fears. Would you like to watch the show with Korina?”

No. 9: “Mar, si Loren ‘to. Ayaw ko nang makipagplastikan. Prangkahan na. Kung malungkot ka sa iyong birthday dahil nakakalamang si Binay, ako hindi. Masayang-masaya ako for Mayor Binay. At ito ang tandaan mo: kung kay Noli De Castro, never akong nag-concede, lalong hindi sa ‘yo!”

No. 8: “Isang mainit na pagbati sa iyong kaarawan Senador Roxas! Si Chiz Escudero ito. Ilang tulog na lang, 2016 na. Handa ka na ba?”

No. 7: “Hello Manuel! This is your Tita Gloria Angara. Your Tito Edong is sending his warm birthday greetings to you! Pero maiba ako iho. Sino ‘yung nag-iwan ng message No. 9 sa ‘taas? Ang bitter naman ng babaeng ‘yun. Hindi maka-move on!”

No. 6: “Mar, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. ‘Wag kang malungkot. Birthday na birthday mo pa naman. Alam mo ba ang regalo ko sa ‘yo? Sssssssh, ‘wag kang maingay. Atin-atin lang ‘to. ‘Yung bise presidente ko… walang B! Walang “boto” mula sa ‘kin! Ayos ba?”

No. 5: “eOw poh sEnAdOR! kMi p0Wh ANG mgA jejeMOn Ng eaSt RemBo, Mkti cItY P0wh.~ ky BiNay,~ gGNDA aNG buHay L0lZ! mAligYng Bati na Rin~ pow! JEjej3!

No. 4: “Birthday greetings Senator Roxas! Thank you so much for the support! Kung ‘di po dahil sa inyo noon, wala sana ako ngayon. Nagmamahal, EVAT Law.”

No. 3: “Mar, partner, si Noy ‘to. Happy birthday ‘tol! ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Magtutulungan pa rin tayo para sa bayan dude. Kung matalo ka man, nandito pa rin ako pare. Remember, I’m still single. Since wala naman akong First Lady, baka interesado kang maging First Gentleman o kaya First Best Friend. Basta walang malisya bro.”

No. 2: “Hon, alam ko birthday mo. Pero, bakit?!? Bakiiiiiiiiiiit?!? Ano ang kasalanan ko sa Itaas at pinaparusahan ako ng ganito katindi? I took a leave from my freakin’ job. Sinagot kita! Ipinagtanggol kita! Pinakasalan kita! Sinipingan pa nga kita kahit medyo… eww! Pero bakit? Kulang pa ba ang mga sakripisyo kong ito?”

And the No.1 birthday message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…

“Hi Marrrrrrrrrr! This is Krissy! Gosh! It’s your birthday pala today! I almost forgot. Mabuti na lang, Tito Jojo Binay reminded me about it over dinner last night! Gosh, this is so embarrassing! Forgetful na talaga ang lola mo, pasensya na! Anyway, happy, happy birthday and I sincerely wish na ma-enjoy mo ang ‘yong pagiging ordinary citizen. Pakisabi kay Tita Koring, I miss her. Well, slight. Gosh! She won’t be Second Lady nga pala noh? How saaaaad! Bye, bye for now! I need to go. Oh my! Baby James, ano ba! ‘Wag mong dilaan ‘yang Villar bracelet. That’s dirty! Gosh this kid!”

In Other News…
Former Lakas stalwart-turned-Noynoy Aquino supporter Joey “She’s a lucky bitch” Salceda was re-elected governor of Albay. Sought for comment on his victory, Salceda blurted out, “Ay! Winner! Nilampaso ko nang bonggang-bongga ang candidate No. 2! As in!”

JC: ‘Not yet Noynoy’
Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has withdrawn his concession to Noynoy Aquino. It takes a lot of guts to do something like that especially if you’re someone who couldn’t even win an election against Vetellano Acosta.

Lani in the House!
Actress Lani Mercado is now a lawmaker. Can you believe it? Well, I can’t. Sampalin n’yo ko! Sampalin n’yo ko!

Lani Mercado has been elected congresswoman in Cavite. She will represent the province’ district 2 – the country’s congressional district with the second highest number of masochists next only to Saranggani.

Critics Proven Wrong
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist and Noynoy Aquino endorser Conrado De Quiros, and activist lawyer Harry Roque – two of the most prominent poll automation naysayers (who doubted the capabilities of both the Comelec and Smartmatic) admitted that they have been proven wrong as the May 10 elections turned out to be a credible and successful exercise. Tinangka ni Professional Heckler na hingan ng pahayag ang dalawa ngunit kapwa sila tumanggi dahil kumakain pa raw sila… ng kanilang mga salita.
—————————–
“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character.”
~Richard Nixon

Survey Says…
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pangkalahatang proseso ng katatapos na halalan?
Astig! Ang bilis! Sulit ang ipinila ko! 19%
Puwede na. Pero puwede pang ma-improve! 79%
Ibalik sa dati. Manual na lang tayo. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
If you still doubt Iglesia ni Cristo’s ability to vote solidly as a bloc, check out these figures from Rodriguez, Rizal, a known INC stronghold: Here. And here. Another. And one more.

Sheila Coronel for CNN: In the Philippines, clans and guns still rule

Philippine Daily Inquirer: How did the Binay blitzkrieg come about?

Personal
Huli man at magaling, kailangan pa ring sabihin. Huge thanks to broadcast networks for the comprehensive coverage of the elections! Mabuhay kayo mga Kapamilya, Kapatid, Kapuso, at kung sinu-sino pang mga ka-K diyan!

Enjoy the rest of the week!





IMPARTIAL AND OFFICIAL

11 05 2010


May 11, 2010
Makati City

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

I congratulate Sen. Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III on his victory.

I accept the will of the people.

I encourage every Filipino to work side-by-side with our new president… with the exception of those who are allergic to second hand smoke.

I would like to thank the readers of this blog who volunteered to disseminate the information that I maintain a Twitter account. I may have failed to update my blog on Election Day but people were able to monitor my activities by following me on Twitter.

Today, I concede. Yes, I concede that Noynoy Aquino is a more entertaining subject than Manuel Villar Jr., Joseph Estrada, or any other presidential candidates.

His victory is just the beginning. There’s so much work to do. There’s a lot of Noynoyisms to write about.

Let us celebrate democracy and let the heckling flourish even more under his administration.

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

Signed:

The Professional Heckler

—————————

In the news today…
Conceding defeat to Noynoy Aquino, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. apologized to the people whom he may have hurt during the campaign. He apologized to his opponents, to their supporters, and to his critics. He didn’t say though when is he going to apologize to his mother.

Speaking before the press Tuesday morning, Manny Villar conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. In accepting his sorry loss, Villar vowed to support the Aquino administration… by not releasing any psychiatric reports anymore.

Sen. Manny Villar has conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. There’s no word yet though if Willie Revillame is also conceding defeat to Jobert Sucaldito.

Gordon and JC, Too
Reports say Sen. Richard Gordon was the third presidential candidate to concede defeat. That’s according to news reports. But according to SWS and Pulse Asia, he’s the sixth candidate to do so.

At press time, Sen. Jamby Madrigal is in 8th place in the presidential race. But the feisty senator is not about to concede defeat saying, “Hindi ako kumakain ng pride.”

Trailing his eight rivals in the official counting, Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has also conceded defeat. K.


Gilbert Throws in the Towel
Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro has conceded defeat to his second cousin, Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Unfortunately for Gilbert, he failed to make it work. I mean, “Mind over mother.”

In accepting his defeat, administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro said, “I did not fight for a political position for myself but for an idea. Winning or losing is secondary. We fight for an idea.” Monitoring Gibô on ANC, Noynoy Aquino inexplicably had a nosebleed.

Administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro lost the presidency. Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s “God” lost its credibility. Boo!

Mar and Binay
Jejomar Binay is reportedly winning the race for vice president despite getting junked by the INC; snubbed by Quiboloy, and dumped by his own running mate. Now that’s what you call ‘failure of rejection.’

Outgoing Makati City Jejomar Binay looks headed for an upset win over Sen. Mar Roxas. Sought for comment, Roxas said, “Masakit. Para akong tinadyakan ng dark horse.”

As Jejomar Binay leads the counting for vice president, Noynoy Aquino denies reports that some Liberal Party stalwarts have started to abandon his running mate, Mar Roxas. Dissatisfied with Noynoy’s denial, Joey Salceda suggested a loyalty check.

Ex-presidential contender turned vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is losing his bid for the vice presidency… making ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez the leading candidate for ex-future Second Lady.

Partial, unofficial tally shows Sen. Mar Roxas is trailing Jejomar Binay in the vice presidential race. When he saw the partial results in the news, Roxas said, “Basta! Alam ko na kung sino ang hindi ko isasama sa repeat concert ng Tears for Fears!”

Erap and Binay
Videos and photos have revealed that Joseph Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate. But Estrada’s running mate, Jejomar Binay was unfazed by the reported alleged rejection. After all, he’s got his ‘other’ president.

Noynoy Wins
Results of the partial, unofficial count show that Sen. Noynoy Aquino has won the presidency. Finally, he’s got something to write under the column “Achievements” on his curriculum vitaé.

Noynoy Aquino has confirmed reports that Dinky Soliman has accepted his offer to become DSWD secretary. Aquino has earlier vowed to reward Soliman with a cabinet post on condition that she won’t sing “If We Hold On (Together)” again.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Natatandaan mo pa ba noong magpunta tayo minsan sa isang girlie joint doon sa QC? Sinundan pala ako ng Tita Ellen Binay mo. ‘Buti na lang, madilim sa kuwarto. Hindi ako nakita!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Pati ba naman ‘yun natandaan n’yo pa? Para tuloy gusto kong bumalik.”

B: “Sa tingin mo ‘Noy, iinterviewhin pa kaya ako ni Korina kapag bumalik siya sa DZMM?”

“Ha-ha-ha! Kabahan ka na Manong! Pero ‘wag ako ang tanungin mo d’yan. ‘The Buzz’ lang at ‘SNN’ ang hawak ko.”

C: “Puwede bang maghati tayo ng term? First three years, ikaw ang presidente, ako ang bise. ‘Tapos, last three years, ako naman ang presidente at ikaw ang bise. Sige na, pumayag ka na. Subok lang!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Nautot naman ako sa sinabi n’yo. Tanungin ko muna ang Pink Sisters.”

D: “Nagbabasa ka ba ng column ni Conrado De Quiros ng Inquirer? Paborito ka no’n! You think, magugustuhan n’ya rin ako?”

“Oo naman! Kayo pa!? Alam n’yo bang mahilig sa analogy ng ‘good & evil’ si De Quiros? Eksakto! Good ako. Evil kayo! I luveeeet!”
————–
Note: This is just a partial dose of my post-elections report. The results from the local voting are next. Plus, a special article on our new president.
————–
Battle of the Networks
Did you see GMA News’ use of a “hologram” in their election coverage? Award-winning journalist Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But the feat didn’t impress Noynoy Aquino that much saying he’s seen the same stuff in his favorite PC games.

Howie Severino became the first Filipino journalist to be beamed on live TV in “a hologram” – or as Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would describe it, “a vision.”

GMA News and Public Affairs ushered in a first on Philippine television. Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But rumors say it wasn’t really Howie but his boss, Jessica Soho who was supposed to be beamed first during the coverage. There wasn’t just enough ‘beam’ to make it possible.


How about ABS-CBN’s high-tech equipment? Did you see the huge Philippine map that was projected right in front of the news anchor? Viewers were treated to a rare spectacle when some of the islands on the map started to disappear on live TV – during high tide!

ABS-CBN’s comprehensive coverage of the May 2010 elections utilized a new broadcast technology called “augmented reality,” which combines computer-generated imagery in live-video streams as a way to expand the real-world. Or as Lito Lapid would say, “Higanteng touch screen lang ‘yan!”

Finally… another rumor has it GMA News was not the first news organization to use the idea of “a hologram” to make it appear that a news person is actually there in person while fellow news persons pretend to be in awe while talking to her. That’s exactly what happens every time Korina Sanchez drops by the ABS-CBN Newsroom.
——————————
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~ Marilyn vos Savant

Survey Says
Neck-and-neck ang labanan. Kung dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-bise presidente, sino ang iboboto mo?
Jejomar BINAY 28%
Mar ROXAS 48%
Wala! Ayoko sa kanilang dalawa! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





MANALO KAYA?

6 05 2010


THE MANALOs HAVE SPOKEN. The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Hours before the official announcement was made, Noynoy was really nervous. In fact, he had to smoke two packs of cigarettes to calm his nerves,.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino for president. The official announcement was made by INC executives yesterday (Wednesday) while the unofficial announcement was made by Kris Aquino on “The Buzz” last Sunday.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the presidential bid of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most powerful endorser of Noynoy… next only to ABS-CBN.

The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most influential endorser of Noynoy… next only to Pulse Asia, and SWS.

The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. According to a source of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the choice was made based on a “survey” of INC members ‘with a mandate from heaven’ – probably the same heaven that ‘guided’ the INC in choosing the likes of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in 2004 and Joseph Estrada in 1998.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer source revealed that the Iglesia ni Cristo’s choice of Sen. Noynoy Aquino for president was made after conducting a “survey” among INC members – a revelation that further incensed Sen. Richard Gordon.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has also announced its 12 picks for senator. The list includes Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid! [No need for a punch line.]

The bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed Sen. Mar Roxas for vice president. Rumors say a disappointed Jejomar Binay called up a high-ranking INC official to ask why he didn’t get the endorsement. The INC official replied, “Bloc voting po ang isinusulong namin, hindi black voting.”

God’s (Different) Choices?
Gilbert Teodoro has the support of Pastor Quiboloy.
The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing Noynoy.
The Jesus is Lord Movement is solid behind Bro. Eddie Villanueva.
The CBCP endorses JC De Los Reyes.
And the El Shaddai Movement is reportedly backing the presidential bid of Manny Villar.
Some theologians are now convinced – God must really be a woman.

Tanong ng bayan: Sa harap ng sunud-sunod na endorsements mula sa mga ‘sugo ng kalangitan,’ bakit wala pa yatang nag-i-endorso kay Rey Langit?

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say Erap and Binay are expecting the endorsement of an unidentified Islamic group. You know, they tolerate polygamy.


Top 5 Messages Left on ‘God’s’ Answering Machine

No. 5: “Lord, this is Dick Gordon. Akala ko ba pantay-pantay ang tingin mo sa aming lahat? Eh bakit ka ganyan? Meron kang kinikilingan. Meron kang pinu-protektahan. Meron kang kandidatong sinusuportahan. Kapag ganyan ka pa rin sa ‘kin sa susunod na eleksyon, hihingi na ‘ko ng TRO sa korte para pigilan ang endorsements mo! Hindi ka na fair eh.”

No. 4: “God, this is Krissy. Gosh! You’re so bait talaga. Promise! Always take care of Mom and Dad huh. And Ka Erdy too. Gosh! I’m blushing right now God. Kashe, close na tayo. ‘Di ba Boy? Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 3: “Panginoon, this is JC De Los Reyes. Verify ko lang po kung ako talaga ang choice ng CBCP. Para kasing hindi naniniwala ang mga tao sa kanila eh.”

No. 2: “Hi Lord. Si Manny Villar po ‘to. ‘Pag ‘di ko nakuha ang endorsement ng El Shaddai, tandaan mo po, ‘di na kita papaniwalaan. At ‘di lang ‘yan! Kapag ‘di ako inendorse ni Brother Mike, hinding-hindi ka na po puwedeng dumaan sa C-5 kahit kailan! Tandaan mo po ‘yan!”

And the No. 1 message left on God’s answering machine…

“Papa Jesus, si Noynoy po ito. Thank you Papa Jesus for all the blessings. Alam mo Papa Jesus, you were my strength when I was weak. ‘Tsaka Papa Jesus, you were my voice when I couldn’t speak. You were my eyes when I couldn’t see, and you saw the best there was in me. How can I forget Papa Jesus, (you) lifted me up when I couldn’t reach and you gave me faith ‘coz you believed. Basta, Papa Jesus, I’m everything I am, because you loved me.”

Oops, there’s one stray message left on God’s answering machine!
“Hello, God test. God test. Hello? God test. Wala lang. Testing lang kung totoong may sasagot. Sanga pala, si Joma Sison ‘to.”


The Elections
Noynoy Aquino is so against the proposed postponement of the May 10 elections… mainly because he can hardly wait to begin his term.

Manny Villar is likewise against the postponement of the elections… mainly because it would only give his rivals more time to throw more dirt at him.

Gilbert Teodoro also opposes the postponement of the polls… mainly because he’s so eager to find out if Pastor Quiboloy’s group really practices bloc voting.

But Richard Gordon, Eddie Villanueva, and Nicanor Perlas are in favor of postponing the May 10 polls… mainly because they’re not prepared to lose yet.

Meanwhile, Jamby Madrigal has not released any statement on this issue. And we really don’t care!

Korina: Not True
Korina Sanchez held a press conference to deny online reports that she got booed at the concert of Tears for Fears. The vice presidentiable’s wife claims she neither noticed nor heard any booing… mainly because she was too busy posing before the cameras while flashing the Laban sign.

Korina Sanchez denied reports that she got booed at the Tears for Fears concert last Sunday. Well, it’s either TJ Manotoc was telling the truth or Korina Sanchez was deaf.
———————
“I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows.”
~Susan B. Anthony

Survey Says
Your final and sure choice for president:
Noynoy AQUINO 31.9%
JC DE LOS REYES 0.2%
Joseph ESTRADA 0.7%
Dick GORDON 22%
Jamby MADRIGAL 0.9%
Nick PERLAS 1.4%
Gilbert TEODORO 36.3%
Eddie VILLANUEVA 1.4%
Manny VILLAR 5.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
From the online edition of Newsbreak: How the INC was won

More from Newsbreak: Religious endorsements

Countdown to the May 10 elections: Apat na tulog na lang!





GIMME A BREAK!

10 04 2010


The Professional Heckler is taking a three-day break. Hopefully when he returns, he’ll have answers to these questions:
1: Who wrote the controversial graduation speech of PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan?
2: What the hell were they thinking?
3: Is Kris Aquino still mad at ABS-CBN News for repeatedly showing Baby James’ “Villar!” video?
4. If she still is, so?

While waiting for my new post, you may revisit some of my favorite articles. ‘Wag ka nang magreklamo. Wala ka rin namang choice. Ha-ha-ha! Just RIGHT CLICK the link to open the post in a new window.

TYPHOONS. Mar Roxas was still LP’s bet then. Because of this post, ANC’s Strictly Politics started featuring this blog.

THE EX-FUTURE FIRST LADY. The Top 10 Messages Left on Korina Sanchez’ Answering Machine after Mar Roxas withdrew his presidential bid. The article was copied, pasted, re-posted and forwarded. I even received one from an employee of the Asian Development Bank. I wonder if it reached the email of Mrs. Mar Roxas.

WANTED: RUNNINGMATE. Nacionalista Party launches its search for Manny Villar’s VP candidate.

STICKERS. Political bumper stickers. A finalist in last year’s Philippine Blog Awards for Best Single Post.

SHE WILL SURVIVE. A parody of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” it talks about GMA’s political survival plan. This post was featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics.

THE NOYNOY SHOW. Studio 23 announces new programming schedule after Noynoy Aquino declares bid for the presidency

SILICONE VALLEY. A post on the controversial breast implant records of GMA that were leaked to the press. Plus the Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts.

FAMOUS EPITAPHS (of local political figures and celebrities)

AYON SA MGA BITUIN. Also featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics, a cousin of mine emailed me a copy of these presidential horoscopes. Hindi niya alam, sa blog ko nagmula.
———–
“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
~Milton Berle

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Breaking News!
The president of Poland, Lech Kaczynski dies in a plane crash. The Polish people express grief; Europeans express shock. Filipinos express envy.





EVEN NOW

4 02 2010

THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT is indeed heating up. Three surveys conducted nationwide last month showed that Richard Gordon, Jamby Madrigal, Vetallano Acosta, JC De Los Reyes, Nicanor Perlas, and Bro. Eddie Villanueva were statistically tied for last place!


Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, Senators Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar are now statistically “tied” for first place. Either Villar’s ads were that good or the Senate majority’s ‘job’ on Villar was that bad.

Liberal Party spokesman Quezon Rep. Lorenzo “Erin” Tañada III admits that they are concerned about the results of the latest Pulse Asia survey. Noynoy was reportedly so bothered, he even requested his advisers to verify rumors that “nabili lang sa Divisoria ang naturang survey.”

Liberal Party spokesman Erin Tañada admits that Noynoy Aquino’s ads (which were handled and conceptualized by Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda) haven’t had a strong impact. In fact, after the release of Noynoy’s latest “rap ad,” Baby James got a higher rating than him.

The head of Noynoy Aquino’s advertising campaign, Yolanda Ong of ad agency Campaigns and Grey says because of the decline in Noynoy’s ratings, there will be major changes in his campaign strategy. It will start with the exclusion of Kris and Boy in brainstorming sessions.

[Here’s a rejoinder from Ms. Yolly Ong.]

Liberal Party spokesman Erin Tañada admits that the so-called “Cory Magic” that catapulted Aquino as the favorite to win the presidential race may already be wearing off. Unfortunately for Noynoy, Cory’s “babang-luksa” or first death anniversary is still six months away.

Top 10 Messages Left on Senator Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine After the Release of the Latest Pulse Asia Survey

No. 10: “Hi Noy. Korina here. Have you heard the news? Mar has been pulling away in the vice presidential surveys. I’m so very happy for my husband. Are you?”

No. 9: “Senator, this is Mayen Austria. Alam ko pong may problema kayo ngayon sa survey ratings n’yo, pero wala na po talaga akong mapagsabihan ng problema ko sa aking boyfriend eh. Nagpalit na kasi ng number si James.”

No. 8: “Noynoy, si Jamby ‘to. I’ve done every possible thing against that corrupt and evil candidate of the Nacionalista Party. Tell me, saan ako nagkulang?”

No. 7: “Mr. Senator, this is the SWS. Quiapo pala huh. Ayan ang napala mo!”

No. 6: “Hi Noy. Si Korina ulit ‘to. Nasabi ko na ba sa ‘yo na ang taas-taas ng rating ngayon ni Mar? Boom-boom pow! Boom-boom pow!”

No. 5: “Noy, this is Mar! Pagpasensyahan mo na si misis. Mukhang may sapi na naman eh. Intindihin mo na lang. At huwag kang mag-alala, hindi kita pababayaan. Magsasama tayo. Lalaban tayo.”

No. 4: “Hi Noy, sa campaign headquarters ‘to ni Senator Villar. Guys, sabay-sabay… “Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap. Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit. Si Villar ang may kakayahan at gumawa ng sariling pangalan…”

No. 3: “Hello Noy, this is Conrado De Quiros of the Inquirer. Your candidacy will deliver us back to the beginning of things, or thrust us back to the time where myth and history meet or the place where life and legend intersect. The time or place of the great fight between Good and Evil: Between Cory and Marcos, between Obama and Bush, between the Fellowship of the Ring and the Eye of Mordor, between Luke Skywalker and the Evil Empire. Use the Force, Noy.”

No. 2: “Senator Aquino, hindi na mahalaga kung sino man kami. Basta, sa palasyo ‘to at naka-tap ang phone mo. Pakisabi kay De Quiros, ang OA niya huh!

And the No. 1 message left on Senator Noynoy Aquino’s answering machine after the release of the latest Pulse Asia survey…

“’Noy, don’t worry ok? Next week, susugurin ko ulit si Mayen, pero sasampalin ko na siya para mas pag-usapan. ‘Tapos, makikipaghiwalay ulit ako kay James, hindi lang two days but five. Pero help me naman with Ate Ballsy para may malipatan ako pansamantala. Nahihiya na ‘kong makitira kay Ate Pinky eh. ‘Tsaka… wait lang huh, ‘tawag ako ulit. Gosh, Joshua, ano baaaa! Huwag mong sakyan si Baby James!”
___________________
“There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.” ~Rex Stout, Death of a Doxy

Survey Says
On the country’s first ever automated elections:
I’m optimistic. Kaya natin ‘yan! 53%
Kinakabahan ako. Baka pumalpak. 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy the rest of the week!








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