GADDAFI, QADDAFI, KHADAFY

COLONEL MOAMMAR GADHAFI’s dictatorship teeters on the brink of total collapse. Last night, he was overheard thanking his trusted generals, his family, his close aides, and Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan.

As I write this, the whereabouts of Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi are still unknown. But sketchy reports say the embattled dictator is still in Tripoli with his wife Imelda Gadhafi.

As protesters advanced Sunday toward Tripoli, Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi remained defiant. He threatened them with guns, bombs, and another speech.

Still putting up strong resistance in Tripoli are Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi’s most loyal forces… led by his trusted aide, General al-Fabian Ver.

Beleaguered Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi is still in hiding. This has prompted his opponents to detain his bookkeeper instead.

Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi is reportedly holed up somewhere in Tripoli. Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas are negotiating his surrender.

TV reports showed a stash of Colonel Gadhafi’s green shirts. Inexplicably, one of the shirts had a print that read, “ “Galing at Talino” & “Sulong Gadhafi.”

Remember Ritchie Garcia of the PSC and Jeff Tamayo of the POC? When they saw Moammar Gadhafi’s face on television, they said, “Ampaw na lang ‘yon.”

Moammar Gadhafi is not just dividing Libya. Gaddafi is dividing the world’s media. Journalists can’t seem to agree on a standard spelling for Qaddafi’s name.

According to ABC News, there are 112 different ways to spell the Libyan dictator’s name. The latest variations include Arroyodaffy, Iggydaffy, and LOLdaffy.

The whereabouts of Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi are still unknown… although one person probably knows where he is right now: Rupert Murdoch.

Closest aides are reportedly experiencing a hard time thinking of an ‘exit strategy’ for Gadhafi. That robe is just too heavy.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper is looking forward to interviewing Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi. His first question will be, “Who are you wearing?”

This just in: Standard & Poor’s has downgraded Colonel Moammar Gadhafi’s fashion taste.

In Other News
Presidential Communications Operations Office head Herminio Coloma Jr. says President Aquino is willing to have his own television show. Take that Manoling Morato!

Top 5 Rejected Titles for President Aquino’s Television Show

No. 5: “The Smoking President”

No. 4: “SYTYCD: So You Think You Can Drive”

No. 3: “Dial N”

No. 2: Morning shows: ”Umagang Kay Bugá” or “Unang Hitit”

And the No. 1 rejected title for President Aquino’s television show…

“The Working President… Joooke!”
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“Disregard for human beings is the first qualification of a dictator.”
~Milton Eisenhower

Elsewhere
In 2009, ABC News listed 112 different ways to spell Gaddafi.

Newsbreak: What the Libya unrest means to Filipinos

Gaddafi Fashion: The Emperor Has Some Crazy Clothes

GMA News: The 2010 Manila hostage crisis: A year after

Lynda Jumilla: Broadcast media lessons from the Manila hostage crisis

Personal
August 23, 2011: Happy birthday to the Black Mamba, KOBE BRYANT of the Los Angeles Lakers! Mabuhay!

Bonus: Your bimonthly horoscope! Ang hindi maniwala, mamalasin!

Have a safe week! Enjoy our freedom! Merry Christmas!

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OPENING LINES

Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Bago ako magsimula… I am not under oath, am i?”

No. 14: “Ayaw na ayaw kong kayo ay nasasaktan. Kaya pinapangunahan ko na kayo: walang masyadong laman ang aking talumpati.”

No. 13: “For a change, ang State of the Nation ay ihahatid sa atin ngayong hapon ng isang taong matagal ko nang hinahangaan. Mga kababayan… Ms. Jessica Soho!”

No. 12: “Sorry to disappoint you. Wala akong baong joke tungkol sa aking buhay-pag-ibig.”

No. 11: “I’d like to acknowledge the presence of the distuinguished members of the Philippine Senate! Good afternoon to all of you especially to my future brother-in-law Francis Escudero. Pare, bahala ka na sa kapatid ko! Ikaw na lang ang umintindi!”

No. 10: “Let us show the world that Filipinos are a united people. Para matiyak na magti-trend worldwide ang speech ko ngayong hapon, use #SONA as hashtag on Twitter. Thank you.”

No. 9: “Lahat ng present sa joint session ngayong hapon ay automatikong kasama sa ating special raffle! At stake: ang pitong second-hand na SUVs na ibinalik ng mga obispo.”

No. 8: “Let us offer a moment of silence for the demise of my so-called lovelife.”

No. 7: “Kasama natin ngayong hapon ang tatlong ‘Bangkang Papel Boys’ na unang iniharap sa inyo ng nakaraang administrasyon! Sa araw na ito, opisyal kong inilulunsad ang masusing imbestigasyon upang alamin kung totoong may bangkang papel na ipinaanod sa Ilog Pasig ang mga batang ito patungong Malacañang. Mananagot sa batas ang mga sinungaling!”

No. 6: “Wala na ang Porsche ko! Palakpak naman d’yan!”

No. 5: “Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest of honor this afternoon… Kobe Bryant! Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!”

No. 4: “To Congresswoman Arroyo  and her lawyer, Attorney Raul Lambino, I hope you’re watching. Enjoy!”

No. 3: “Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat?”

No. 2: “Garci, if you’re listening, nakikiusap ako sa ‘yo. Bawasan mo naman ang asking price mo. Hindi kaya ng budget namin eh.”

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Narito ang mahabang listahan ng mga kasalanan ni Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at ng nakaraang administrasyon… ”
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“George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles.”
~Author Unknown

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong hawak na ng pamahalaan si Virgilio Garcillano?
-Oo naman! Planado ang galaw ng mga ‘yan. 31.86%
-Hindi naman siguro. Baka nagtatago pa. 11.76%
-Hintayin na lang natin. ‘Wag masyadong atat. 56.37%

Personal
Thank you MVP for bringing Kobe Bryant, Derek Fisher, and the rest of the NBA stars to the Philippines! Awesome! Just awesome!

In Memoriam
Amy Winehouse, 27
14 September 1983 — 23 July 2011

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Have a safe and great week ahead!

LAPSES

DID YOU MONITOR the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee’s hearing on the PCSO fund mess Wednesday? The hearing was attended by several bishops plus, of course, their savior, the senators.

At least eight bishops and a dozen senators converged Wednesday in the Senate. It was a face-off between pretentious, holier-than-thou, self-proclaimed devout Catholics, and bishops.

PCSO chair Margie Juico apologized for saying that the bishops received “Pajeros.” Sen. Jinggoy Estrada lectured Juico, and said “As a devout Catholic, it pains me to hear that our bishops are involved in anomalies here in our country.” To which, the bishops replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgment” when he asked for “a brand new car.” And in a move that shocked both the bishops and senators, Virgilio Garcillano issued a statement saying he never gave Pueblos a car.

Reading from a prepared opening statement, controversial Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgement” in asking for “a brand new car” from former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. As soon as he was done reading, the other bishops held hands and started singing, “If We Hold on Together.”

Actress Susan Roces who was watching Bishop Pueblos on TV was like, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw! You wrote that letter not once, but twice!”

Zaldy
Former governor Zaldy Ampatuan revealed that ex-president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was involved in the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Likewise, he  revealed that Jose Rizal was killed by the Spanish; the Earth revolves around the sun, and John Lennon was shot by Mark David Chapman.

Apparently, Zaldy Ampatuan wants to turn state witness. Against Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Zaldy Ampatuan has initiated court proceedings to change his last name. He is seeking a little compassion and empathy from the public. Hopefully, the judge would grant his petition to use the surname Mangudadatu.

Lintang Bedol
Former Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has surfaced and accused the Arroyos of masterminding the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Oh, I thought Lintang Bedol was dead. Well, now he is.

Lintang Bedol has exposed the alleged massive poll fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Following his revelation, Bedol expressed fear for his life while Miguel Zubiri expressed fear for his post.

With his revelations against the Arroyos and other officials of the previous administration, Lintang Bedol has expressed fear for his life. He now considers changing his name.

De Lima’s Lovelife
Interviewed on ANC’s Strictly Politics, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, whose marriage was annulled in 2001, admitted that she has a boyfriend. The 51-year-old single mom refuses to identify the guy nor his background but reveals she has six (new) witnesses to prove her claim.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has a lovelife. Take that Mr. President!

Absent!
Among congressmen with the most number of absences in sessions, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao placed fourth. In other words, he’s not present when solons deliberate on important issues. How are they able to tell?

Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo topped the list of absentees in the House of Representatives. In May 2011 alone, Mikey failed to attend a single session of the chamber. In totally unrelated news, Rufa Mae Quinto topped the list of absentees among “Showbiz Central” hosts for the month of May.
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“Men of ill judgment ignore the good that lies within their hands, ‘til they have lost it.”
~Sophocles

Quote of the Week
“Manny’s a good friend, I actually love him. I love his tenacity, I love his competitiveness. So, Manny’s my guy.”
~NBA superstar Kobe Bryant on Manny Pacquiao

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ipagbawal ang billboard ng mga naka-underwear na modelo/celebrities??
-Dapat lang. Offensive! 35.36%
-Hayaan na lang! Karapatan nila ‘yan. 26.15%
-Big deal? Ke meron o wala, wala akong pakialam sa mga ‘yan. 38.49%

Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!
It was an awesome experience – as always. Kobe’s fourth visit to Manila was the most attended. Araneta Coliseum was filled to the rafters. Laker and non-Laker fans trooped to the Big Dome Wednesday to see the Black Mamba.

Thank you again TJ Manotoc for the tickets. I was seated beside two Azkals, Jason Sabio and Simon Greatwich, whom I wrongly identified in my tweet as Rob Gier. Apologies.

Thank you Kobe for the visit. Lakers4ever.

Personal
I have a Twitter follower whose father, Mr. Lory Ordenes is a regular reader of this blog. Magandang araw po sa mga taga-Sablayan, Occidental Mindoro and thanks for reading sir!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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WHISPERING HOPE

LP Not Giving Up
In a press conference Monday, the Liberal Party claimed that based on 88 certificates of canvass (81 percent) obtained by the party, Mar Roxas led Jejomar Binay by 137,404 votes. LP stalwarts did not reveal though whose idea was it to publicly give Roxas… false hopes.

During Liberal Party’s press con last Monday, May 17, PAGASA reported that temperature in Metro Manila sizzled at 37.3 degrees Celsius. Now you know why Binay’s lead over Roxas evaporated.

Based on official tally though, Mar Roxas is losing the vice presidential race to Jejomar Binay. Roxas and the Liberal Party are shocked. They couldn’t believe that Binay and even Erap would actually be this strong. In fact, the Binay-Erap tandem has become LP’s second strongest competition… next only to the tandem of Conrado De Quiros and William Esposo.

Questions and Answers
Q1: “Senator, hindi ba kayo naaawa kay Governor Salceda? Sunog na sunog na eh.”
A1: “Sus! ‘Di naman halata. Hayaan na natin. ‘Tsaka, nag-sunblock lotion ‘yan kanina.”

Q2: “Senator, bakit kayong lahat naka-yellow pero ‘yung mama sa likuran naka-blue?”
A2: “Naku! Hayaan mo na siya. Basta ang iboboto ng pamilya namin, ‘yung laging naka-dilaw!”

Q3: “Meron po bang ‘B?’”
A3: “Alam mo, taga-IBC 13 ka na nga lang, ikaw pa ang malakas mang-intriga! Next question pls!”

Q4: “Senator, kung mananalo po kayo at matatalo si Mar Roxas… why not?”
A4: “Lokohan na ‘to! Tama na! Aalis na kami.”

Vocal Local
In Quezon City: Actress and defeated vice mayoral candidate Aiko Melendez is reportedly filing a petition before the Comelec against what her camp alleged were “preprogrammed” PCOS machines. A shocked Melendez claimed she got zero votes in her bailiwicks… something that if proven true will finally disprove the popular notion that many Quezon City residents are idiots.

In Manila: After being trounced by incumbent mayor Alfredo Lim in the May 10 polls, mayoral candidate Lito Atienza filed an election protest claiming that some PCOS machines may have been “preprogrammed” to make Lim win even in some known Atienza bailiwicks. Asked if he took the cue from Quezon City’s Aiko Melendez, Atienza replied, “Definitely not! I can spell ‘bailiwick.’”

Accompanied by his loyal supporters, defeated mayoral candidate Lito Atienza went to the local Comelec office Monday and filed an electoral protest. But tension rose outside the office when Kuya Kim Atienza suddenly appeared, and told his dad’s supporters, “Maaaadlang pipol…. vote mo, show mo!”

In Quezon Province: Outgoing Governor Rafael Nantes was killed when his private chopper crashed in Lucena City Monday. Supporters of the defeated re-electionist were quick to deny rumors that the chopper crashed because of“shipment” overload.

Remember Rafael Nantes? The former congressman and outgoing Quezon governor who had been linked to the illegal drug trade was killed in a plane crash Monday. Probers are now checking on reports that Nantes’ private pilot was flying ‘high.’

And finally, in my home province of Batangas: Actress Vilma Santos was re-elected governor… making her the first gubernatorial candidate to win against a corpse.

Kris Stays
Amid calls for her to fulfill a promise, incoming presidential sister Kris Aquino announced Sunday that she’s not leaving the country… disappointing the 22,000plus members of the Facebook group, ‘Kris Aquino’s Despedida,‘ her brother’s critics, and James Yap.

————————-
“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Briefly Noted
Did you read Conrado De Quiros’ two-part column “about” and “against” the Hyatt 10, The Firm, and Mar Roxas diehards in the Liberal Party? Geez, these people must be debating among themselves now: who should draft the rejoinder? Will there be a Korina Sanchez vs. Conrado De Quiros Part 2? Abangan!

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sakaling matalo si Sen. Mar Roxas?
Ang ‘Team Noy-Bi’ sa Liberal Party 27%
S’ya mismo at ang mga campaign strategists niya! 46%
Wala. It’s his fate to lose. 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
My sincerest apologies to Mark Tare of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. His group requested for an interview prior to Election Day but due to a tight sked, I failed to grant their request. Anyway, here’s PCIJ’s online article on political humor: Joke the vote, pun the bets

More Personal
My LA Lakers massacred Los Suns in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. Kobe Bryant dropped 40. Wohoo!

OPENING THE SONA

PBA09p6390s8

Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Let us observe a minute of silence in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.”

No. 14: “To officially open this momentous event, please welcome… the members of the Congressional Spouses Foundation interpreting the Academy Award-winning song Jai-Ho!”

No. 13: “And the ‘Pitoy Moreno Award’ for Best Sona Gown goes to…”

No. 12: “Walaaang tulugan!”

No. 11: “After my speech, you may proceed to the Iglesia Ni Cristo anniversary party for your free dinner.”

No. 10: “Is that you Jovy Palparan? Look at you now. I’m so proud of you!”

No. 9: “This will be very short. Why, do you really expect me to accomplish that much in such a short period of time? Hello!”

No. 8: “First, the good news! Identified na ang nag-leak ng info about my boob job!”

No. 7: (Starts singing) “I dreamed a dream in time gone by/When hope was high and life, worth living/I dreamed that love would never die/I dreamed that God would be forgiving

No. 6: “Kapag sinabi kong I am for peace, I mean all out peace for everyone. Kaya mga kababayan, kasama po natin sa gallery ngayong hapon ang unang batch ng mga nagbalik-loob na Abu Sayyaf terrorists. Pasalubungan po natin sila ng masigabong palakpakan at sabay-sabay nating isigaw: Amnestiya para sa Terorista!”

No. 5: “Thank you so much to our major sponsors this afternoon: Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson & Johnson, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Novartis, and Abbott Laboratories.”

No. 4: “Sama-sama tayo! Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo! Teka lang… mali! I am shorry. Dish ish the wrong speech. My goodnesh! The teleprompter! Ayushin ang teleprompter! Pronto!”

No. 3: “Ang hindi papalakpak… hindi ko isasama sa U.S. sa Huwebes!”

No. 2: “I would like to dedicate my last State of the Nation Address to the most caring and hardworking people I’ve ever met – my constituents at the 2nd congressional district of Pampanga! Mañampukaki ing lugud mi kekayu!

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Ladies & gentlemen, good afternoon. This will be my last State of the Nation Address…
as of press time.”
__________
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.” ~Alfred E. Neuman

Elsewhere…
Entertainment editor Ricky Lo wrote in his column today:
“The TV newcaster-lovers are now living happily ever after in a posh condo unit they have recently moved into. He is separated from his wife and so is she (from her artist-husband). They are open with their relationship, so it’s safe to say that they, including their “exes,” are into a live-and-let-live kind of set-up. The female newscaster needs some TLC (Tender Loving Care) after the harrowing experience she has gone through. Yes, indeed, love is more comfortable the second time you fall.”
~ I am sure Tito Ricky was referring to Ces Drilon (her ex: painter Rock Drilon). But who’s Ces’ new flame? Okay, okay… here are some clues:
1: Think of a soda brand
2: “Reverse restroom”
3: Re-read my comment on this item. The identity’s “just there.”

Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin wrote about the financial woes of a former member of the Estrada cabinet.

The National Security Adviser, the Chief Justice and a “transition government.” Here’s a juicy item courtesy of Newsbreak Online

Kobe and the Lakers as well as Phil Jackson won trophies at the ESPY (Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly) Awards given by sports network ESPN. Manny Pacquiao was also hailed the Best Fighter. See complete list of winners here.

In case you wanted to see Kobe in the flesh, check out the details of his upcoming Asia Tour. The Black Mamba will be here on Tuesday, July 21.

Us Weekly posted a never-before-released video of Michael Jackson’s horrifying Pepsi commercial shoot in 1984. The King of Pop was literally on fire. Watch the video here.

And finally, the 61st Emmy nominations have been announced! See who made the cut in the major categories.

TRIP

Kim Jong-Il
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has pancreatic cancer. His doctors will not be releasing medical bulletins… but one of his daughters will appear in showbiz-oriented talk shows to discuss his condition.

Pfizer, Briber?
Drug maker Pfizer is reportedly frustrated at accusations it offered bribe to the government to delay the implementation of the cheaper medicines law. But Pfizer is more frustrated the government rejected it.

Arroyo’s US Trip
President Arroyo will finally meet with US President Barack Obama at the White House on July 30. She will be the first leader from Southeast Asia to visit Washington under the Obama administration… after earning the distinction of being the first leader from Southeast Asia to be snubbed thrice by the same administration.

Arroyo’s US Trip II
Some 100 congressmen are vying for slots in President Arroyo’s entourage in her July 30 trip to Washington DC. Not everyone will be allowed to leave though… lest the president be accused of smuggling crocodiles.

Pacman and Kobe
Fresh from his recent Nike pictorial with NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, Boston Celtics fanatic Manny Pacquiao is now saying he’s an LA Lakers die-hard. Wala pa man sa pulitika, balimbing na.
__________
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

A CLASS ACT

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher/Instructor/Professor on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng halaman, bagong flower vase, pasô, at doormat.”

No. 4: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng video ni Hayden? Meron ako dito. 6-in1. Blu-ray copy na. Trenta pesos lang.”

No. 3: “Girls, boys… saan n’yo mas gustong magklase? Sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga o sa ilalim ng puno ng narra?”

No. 2: “Gloria! ChaCha! Ibasura! May memo si Mayor. Kayong lahat ay required sumama sa rally next week. Ang hindi sasama, magbabayad ng kalahati ng tuition.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher/instructor/professor on the first day of classes…

“Aaaaaaa-choo! Aaaaa-choo! Class… I think I’m infected.”

Misquoted?
Agrarian Reform Sec. Nasser Pangandaman denied a Philippine Daily Inquirer report last Saturday that he confirmed President Arroyo’s plans of seeking a Congressional seat in Pampanga next year. Pangandaman now refuses to talk to the Inquirer but has invited the paper’s reporter to a round of golf at Valley Golf and Country Club in Antipolo City.

Personal
Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2008-2009 NBA Champions.

10th championship for Coach Phil; 4th ring for Kobe; 15th title for LA as a franchise, and LeBron James is somewhere out there licking his wounds. What could be more satisfying than that?

Kobe’s got his own trophy too: Finals MVP. Woohoo!

Reactions
The Los Angeles Lakers won by huge margin against the Orlando Magic. When President Arroyo heard this, she asked, “Did the Lakers lead by more than one million?”

The Lakers finished off the Magic, 99-83 to win the NBA championship. That was a 16 point lead! But you know what? If Sen. Manny Villar were part of the team, that lead would surely double.

Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy was losing his patience and has become frustrated with his team when someone tapped him from behind. And you won’t believe it! It was Mar Roxas! He said, “Coach, tumabi ka. Ako na. Sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo.” They lost.

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman also watched the game between the Lakers and the Magic. Asked to react on LA’s impressive victory, he said, “No comment. Baka ma-misquote lang ako ng Inquirer.”

And did you know that even our senators followed the NBA Finals? Juan Ponce Enrile finds Kobe Bryant brilliant. Aquilino Pimentel finds Derek Fisher tenacious. Rodolfo Biazon finds Paul Gasol persistent. And Loren Legarda finds Coach Phil Jackson cute.

And finally, some LA fanatics in local politics have celebrated the team’s victory: Lito and Ali Atienza held a parade in their backyard; Panfilo Lacson fired his gun, and Abner Afuang poured a bottle of water on his wife’s head!
__________
“Champions know that success is inevitable; that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it.”
~Michael J. Gelb

IT’S JOC TIME!

Jocjoc Bolante is Back
Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante is back in the country. Upon his arrival, the very prompt eight-member team from the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms read the Upper Chamber’s order for his arrest. The first line of the arrest order reads, “We, the Senators of the Republic of the Philippines, fooled by Eliseo De La Paz last week, vow not to be fooled for the second consecutive week.”

Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante arrived Tuesday night. In his arrival statement, Jocjoc said, “Now that I am back, I assure you that I will answer any and all accusations at the proper forum. I am ready to face the issues and all the malicious accusations against me.” He then denied rumors that ex-PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz wrote that statement for him.

When he is discharged from the hospital, Jocjoc Bolante will be detained at the Senate. A Philippine Star report says the detention room has air-conditioning unit, a bed, cable TV, electric fan, conference table, book shelf, white board, single bed, and two sofas. Nope, we’re not describing Claudio Teehankee Jr’s cell at the New Bilibid Prisons.

The Quezon City Police District has deployed its personnel to provide round-the-clock security for former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Joc-joc” Bolante. The Senate has also sent eight men to protect him. Can anyone please check if there’s any security guy left for UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon?

An Inquirer report says former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante’s house in the posh Ayala Alabang village showed no sign that his homecoming would be festive. The uninhabited 80 million peso-mansion of the alleged architect of the “fertilizer fund scam” is adorned by ornamental plants, palm trees… and a couple of scarecrows.

Unconfirmed reports say the St. Luke’s Medical Center has released its latest medical bulletin on the health condition of former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante. His blood test showed unusual quantities of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium (N-P-K).

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada and his nun friends from La Salle wanted to visit Jocjoc Bolante at St. Luke’s Medical Center but the security was really tight. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Lozada’s nun friends.

Like Hollywood’s notorious paparazzi, dozens of media men and women swooped in on former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante when he arrived at the NAIA last night. Next to Chris Tiu, Bolante is perhaps the most talked-about Atenean at this moment.

Finally!
Jocjoc Bolante has finally been returned. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long we have waited, when Bolante fled the country, he looked like First Gentleman Mike Arroyo. When he arrived, he looked more like Joker Arroyo.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it was, lawyer Harry Roque’s waist line was still 27 when it all started.

Jocjoc Bolante is back guys. Finally, he’s back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been, the price of gasoline was at the 25 pesos per liter level when he left.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Jose De Venecia was still GMA’s caddie when she played golf in China.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to arrive. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Rustom Padilla was still straight.

Elsewhere

Check out the Guitar Hero World Tour advertisement featuring Michael Phelps, Tony Hawk, Alex Rodriguez and of course, THE Kobe Bryant.

One Flu Over the Cute-cute’s Nest
The Professional Heckler is currently down with flu.
_________
He who holds the ladder is as bad as the thief.
– German Proverb

GETTING READY TO RUMBLE

GMA vs. The Lopezes

Malacañang’s allies in Congress, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Cong. Mikey Arroyo are out to draw first blood on the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Co. as they initiate a joint congressional probe on Meralco’s high power rates. The Lopezes are unfazed though. If GMA has Miriam and Mikey, Meralco has DZMM and ANC.

JDV III On Food Crisis

Businessman Jose “Joey” de Venecia III said the cause of the country’s rice crisis can be described in one word – corruption. I am offering an alternative description in three letters – JDV.

Threats Against JDV III

Months after testifying on the ZTE broadband scandal, losing bidder Joey De Venecia III told the media that threats on his life continue. He didn’t give a reason though why the public should give a damn.

Gays and Santacruzan

Manila Archbishop Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales discourages homosexuals from joining the Santacruzan… totally ignoring the fact that without gays , the Reyna Elenas, Reyna Emperatrizes and the sagalas would probably look like menopausal hermana mayores sans make up.

No Cams, Phones in ORs

The Commission on Higher Education has banned medical students from using video cameras, mobile phones with camera features and other similar equipment while attending clinical classes and conducting surgeries. But if medical students have attending physicians like those docs at the Vicente Memorial Medical Center in Cebu, why fear a CHEd memo?

Piolo and Sam to DOJ

Claiming that entertainment columnist Lolit Solis has been bragging that she’s “close” to some DOJ prosecutors, rumored sweethearts Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby went to Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales’s office and sought assurances that the libel case they had filed against Solis would be handled fairly. Secretary Gonzales assured Piolo and Sam that the DOJ is impartial and fair – especially to gay people.

On A Serious Note

Unimpeachable sources say showbiz celeb F is dying. Celeb F went abroad recently for a check up but Celeb F’s American doctors were honest to say that therapy or any other form of medication is useless at this point in time. Celeb F decided to return home. Close friends quoted Celeb F as saying, “Ayokong sa US pa ako abutan.”

Sigh.

Personal

The NBA’s best player for the past four years has finally won a well-deserved MVP trophy. Yehey! Next up for Kobe Bryant, another NBA title!