ICYMI

21 02 2014

albie
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

albie
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

albie
In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

albie
Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Trusted
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

bakya
“Tweeter”
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

“Decapitated”
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

Traffic
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

Single
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

1
New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
——————————————-
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week
albie

albie

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]





LESBIANS

7 06 2013

THE JUNE 4 edition of PM Junior’s ‘Pugad Baboy’ talked about lesbians, homophobia, hypocrisy, and St. Scholastica. One of the characters in the comic strip asked, “’Di kaya tongril din ‘yung mga madre?” That was just offensive. St. Scholastica is an esteemed institution. How dare you say they’re “tongril?” You say Sapphist or Lizzie Maguire or les!

pol
Pol Medina Jr. apologized to St. Scholastica’s College for insinuating in his popular comic strip that beautiful students in the Catholic school were lesbians. In other news, Don Bosco students have asked PM Jr. to please not write about them.

St. Scholastica’s College president Sister Mary Thomas Prado threatened to sue the Philippine Daily Inquirer unless an inquiry on PM Junior’s cartoon was conducted. PDI acted swiftly. PM Junior was suspended and an apology was issued. It’s more nun in the Philippines!

The past few weeks have been challenging for satirists, and for comedians who dish out politically incorrect jokes. Thank goodness for thinking readers! And to those who are offended by my blog posts, I am sorry if I am not your definition of funny.

Sinotto
In the last days of session, Senate President Enrile and Majority Leader Tito Sotto decided to exit. Graceful!

In giving up his post, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said, “Pagod na ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana.” The feeling is mutual.

In a privilege speech Thursday, Tito Sotto shocked his colleagues when he quit as majority floor leader. And even more shocking, no part of that speech was plagiarized.

Two Serendra
A week after the explosion that ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium in Taguig City, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas declared that the incident was caused by an LPG leak – not by a bomb, not by terrorists, not by the previous administration.

Final Tally
The Comelec had completed its final tally. Officially, it’s Team PNoy, 9; UNA, 3, and Brillantes’ tantrums, 5.

No Smoking
Through Presidential Proclamation 183 signed in 1993, the month of June has been declared, ‘No Smoking Month.’ And President Aquino was like, “’Di nga?!?”

June has been declared ‘No Smoking Month.’ President Aquino can’t wait for July.


Out!
A week after her daughter “came out,” Charice Pempengco’s mother, Raquel admitted that she used to be a lesbian also. I wonder if she went to St. Scho too.

Last week, Charice admitted that she’s a lesbian. On Friday, her mother revealed she used to be a lesbian. Can’t wait for the grandmother’s statement.
——————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~G.K. Chesterton

Sound Bites
“Binigyan ako noon ng guidelines eh, ng Inquirer. Ito yung mga guidelines na hindi mo io-overstep. Viniolate ko lahat yon. Kasi sinusubukan ko kung hanggang saan ako pwede lagi eh. Tapos pumapayag yung editorial staff ng Inquirer na ilabas. Kaya naging bold ako eh… aba okey ah, nailabas yung strip ko tungkol sa black comedy. Lumabas yung strip ko tungkol sa race. Tungkol sa religion. Eh open-minded naman pala. Sa kaka-push ko nang ganun, na-overstep ko yung threshold ng good taste. ‘Yun yung nangyari dito talaga. Totoo to eh, inaamin ko.”
~Pugad Baboy creator Pol Medina Jr.via ABS-CBN News

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE EPAL QUIZ IV

19 09 2012

IT WILL NEVER be an easy task. We’re up against a culture of shameless self-promotion involving influential and powerful personalities. But as recent developments have shown, impossible is nothing. Some people say the anti-epal campaign is just a fad. Let’s prove them wrong.

Here’s Part 4 of our series of ‘epal’ quizzes. Pencils up… good luck!


1: Mula sa lalawigan ng Camarines Sur, ano ang kinalaman ng mag-amang nasa larawan sa libreng pagpapaanak?
A: Personal savings nila ang ginamit sa proyekto; palakpak naman kayo!
B: Sila ang automatic na ninong ng mga sanggol na isisilang
C: ‘Yong nasa kanan, eksperto sa raspa; ‘yong nasa kaliwa naman, may background sa panghihilot


2: Sa Antipolo City, may medal ang mahuhusay na estudyante. Salamat kay Mayor Nilo Leyble! Ano kaya ang ginawa ng honor student pag-uwi sa bahay?
A: Sumuka. Hindi kinaya ang nakita niyang pangalan at mukha sa medalya.
B: Tinangkang isangla ang medal pero walang pawnshop na tumanggap.
C: Lumuhod sa harap ng altar at naglabas ng sama ng loob: “Lord, nag-aral naman akong mabuti. Pero bakit ito pa ang inyong iginanti?


3: Bakit may pangalan ng alkalde ng Quezon City sa government-owned truck?
A: May space eh, sayang naman. Minaximize na lang.
B: Alangan namang pangalan mo ang ilagay. Mayor ka ba?
C: Inggit ka? Bumili ka rin ng truck!


4: “Road Drainage Improvement” Basahin ang huling linyang nakasulat sa karatula. Ang sabi: “Buwis na Binayaran, Para Sa…”
A: Malaking pangalan!
B: Malinaw na kaepalan.
C: Wala akong pakialam. Ang gusto kong malaman, nasaan ang drainage project? Nasaaannn!!!!


5: “TWO HUNDRED PESOS ONLY Serbisyong Suarez Health Coupon: Lingap Kalusugan Para sa Quezonian.” May gusto kang malaman?
A: Para sa kalusugan ba ‘yan o para sa halalan?
B: Two hundred pesos? Hanggang saan aabot ang 200 pesos?
C: May discount ba sa drug store kapag ipinakita ang mukha ni Governor?


6: Wow, bagong pintura ang waiting shed. Anong say mo?
A: Wala na akong masabi! Umeepal pati kapre!
B: Grabeng accomplishment naman ‘yan. At take note: ipinangangalandakan! Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo.
C: Nakikibasa ka lang! Kung ayaw mong sumilong, magtiis ka sa ulan!


7: Ano ang reaksyon mo sa ipinamahaging relief goods ni Valenzuela City Councilor Adrian Dapat?
A: Wow! Ano ‘yan? Bagong brand? Available pa kaya sa market?
B: Pwedeng kumanta na lang? 1, 2, 3! Mula asukal hanggang toyo, saan ka man may sardinas tayo. Isang libo’t isang tuwa, Valenzuela, na-bulaga!
C: ‘Buti na lang hindi sanitary napkin ang ipinamigay n’ya. Imagine, gagamitin ni Ate ang pasador ‘tapos nandun ang mukha niya?! Awkward.


8: Titigan ang pader: Nababasa n’yo ba ang pangalan nina Parañaque COUNCILOR – B E N J O – B E R N A B E at M A Y O R – JUN – B E R N A B E?
A: ‘Asan? ‘Asan ang mga pangalan? Meron ba? Wala akong makita.
B: Aping-api naman ‘yong dalawa. Sana nilakihan nang konti para mabasa.
C: Naman! Kahit yata sa ibang planeta o sa kalawakan, visible pa rin ‘yang kaepalan na ’yan.


9: Basahin muna ang nakasulat sa streamer. Ano ang nararapat na caption sa larawan?
A: Patay tayo d’yan!
B: Nagdadalamhati o Nagpapa-pogi?
C: Kasama n’yo kami sa kalungkutan; samahan n’yo kami sa halalan.


10: Kuha sa Angeles City, Pampanga. “Boses ng kababaihan.” What say you?
A: Boses ng kababaihan o boses ng kaepalan?
B: Faceless pa, shameless na!
C:Let’s play Pinoy Henyo! Tao ba ‘to? OO! Pulitiko? Pwede! Babae? OO! Babaeng pulitiko? OO! Epal? Tumpakerkerz!!! (Kayo ang pasok sa jackpot round!)

Quote of the Day
“Wouldn’t it be good if the energy & effort spent in going after epal streamers were equally spent in highlighting good works? Dont’t get me wrong, I’m for the anti-epal movement & am happy that it has caught on. I just think there are other aspects to citizen vigilance.”
~Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon

IN OTHER NEWS…
The latest SWS survey showed 7 of 10 traders see less corruption in government offices. The other 3 were more realistic.

Trillanes vs. Enrile
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile and Senator Antonio Trillanes had a heated debate Wednesday afternoon on the latter’s role as a backdoor negotiator of the Philippines with China. Trillanes called Enrile, “a bully.” Enrile called Trillanes “a fraud.” Beijing called and said, “Great!”

Nueva Camarines
Sen. Antonio Trillanes accused Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile of exerting efforts to railroad a proposed bill that will divide the province of Camarines Sur after allegedly receiving a call from former President Arroyo who was supportive of the measure. And Mrs. Arroyo was like, “Shabi na nga ba ako na naman eh. Buti na lang i have braced myshelf up for this messsh.”

Fliptop Battle Special Edition: Enrile vs. Trillanes
Juan Ponce Enrile:

Ang dami mong satsat, ang dami mong yakyak
Kapag nasukol naman, umuurong ang bayag
Noong una sa Oakwood, ngayon naman sa Senado
Walkout ang drama mo boy, iwas-pusoy sa argumento!

Antonio Trillanes IV:
Manahimik ka d’yan tanda baka ‘di ako makapagpigil
FYI: walang walkout; kailangan ko lang juminggle
Umamin ka na kasi, nag-usap kayo ni Arroyo
Kahit kailan balimbing ka, diretso ka sa impyerno!

Enrile:
Dahan-dahan ka boy sa iyong pananalita
May gatas ka pa sa labi, meron ka pang muta
Ano ‘to, coup d’etat sa Senate presidency?
Baka mapahiya ka lang, wala kang kakampi!

Trillanes:
Ah leche, basta… no to Cam Sur 2!
Ito ang usapin, ‘wag mong iligaw ang isyu.

Enrile:
Takot ka lang boy ‘pag China ang paksa
Bobo ka kasi, binenta mo ang bansa!

Trillanes:
Break it down!

Enrile:
O, walkout ka na naman!

Trillanes:
Break it down!!

Enrile:
Fraud!

Trillanes:
Break it down!!!

Enrile:
Coward!

Trillanes:
Ah ganun?! Fake 1972 ambush!
1980s coup d’etat!
May 1995 dagdag-bawas pa!

Enrile:
Fine!
Break it down!
————————————————————
“Hypocrites get offended by the truth.”
~Jess C. Scott, Bad Romance: Seven Deadly Sins Anthology

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal:
Many thanks again to the following for the images used here: Epal Watch, TaoPo.Org, Epal Alert on Facebook, Simpleng Garapal,  @oehreyes, Dr. John Ortiz Teope, Support Anti-Epal on Facebook, Linkyuu Sho Mai, Mai Urduja, Rommel Tiongco, Maki Nito, and Jonathan Jingco Cayanan

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ONE HUNDRED

30 01 2012


THE PROSECUTION PANEL intends to present at least 100 witnesses in the ongoing impeachment trial. Either the prosecutors want Renato Corona out or Serafin Cuevas dead.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr says they will present at least 100 witnesses to prove their case against Chief Justice Renato Corona. Senator Enrile looks forward to celebrating his centennial year in the Senate.


Btw, Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.

The prosecution team intends to call at least eight journalists including veterans Raissa Robles and Maritess Vitug to the witness stand. That’s not surprising though. Fact is, these journalists would have drafted a much stronger case against the Chief Justice than the House of Representatives.

The defense team says witnesses are expected to have personal knowledge of what he or she will testify on. Unlike those 188 lawmakers who had no personal knowledge of what they signed up for.

The prosecution team has 100 witnesses for the Corona impeachment trial. Is this Plan B already?


Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago will definitely attend Monday’s impeachment trial. Doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She just had a checkup the other day. She was diagnosed with idiophobia.

Prosecutors are so prepared for Day 8 of the impeachment trial. They’re ready for the defense panel’s objections; for Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s clarificatory questions, and for Rudy Fariñas’ tantrums.

Fish Stock
During the inter-government review on the global protection program of the marine environment, Vice President Jejomar Binay reported a 32 percent decline in global fish stock. That’s really bad news for the prosecution team’s ongoing fishing expedition.

RIP: Ignacio Arroyo
Congressman Ignacio Arroyo is dead. There’s no truth to rumors that it was Atty. Mike Arroyo who died and that Iggy was just covering up for him again.

Where is Llamas?
Malacañang says controversial political adviser Ronald Llamas is under investigation. At press time, Llamas is still mum on the issue. He is expected to release a statement as soon as he’s done with his weekend movie marathon.

Arrested
Senator Lito Lapid’s wife Marissa was arrested in the United States for allegedly smuggling 50 thousand dollars. At first, Mrs. Lapid denied that the money was hers. However, she was forced to admit when airport authorities found ores, gravel, sand, and lahar on the stash.

Date?
Reports say President Aquino recently went to dinner with radio/TV host Grace Lee.  Some people are calling it a ‘date.’ Sumama lang sa dinner,  may ‘romance angle’ na agad?  ‘Di ba pwedeng napilitan lang?
——————————————————————————–
“You never know how much a man can’t remember until he is called as a witness.”
~Will Rogers

Quote of the Day
“Putting media practitioners as well as sitting Supreme Court Justices as possible witnesses is just simply horribly wrong. Not only does it leave the trial open to a challenge that it was, after all, the institution of the SC itself that is now being tried, it also opens a door that should, at the moment, remain closed.”
~Lawyer Theodore Te

Have a great week ahead!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PUBLICITY

28 01 2010

FYI: the official campaign period for national elective posts won’t kick-off until February 9. Yes, according to the law, official campaigning starts on that day… meaning, those ads you see on TV right now? They’re unofficial. They’re not serious. Don’t believe them.


The race for president heats up as the campaign period approaches. Have you seen the candidates’ latest stunts? Noynoy Aquino tried to rap, Gilbert Teodoro flew a plane, and Manny Villar performed another vanishing act at the Senate.

Noynoy Aquino tried to rap and Gilbert Teodoro attempted to fly a plane. Not to be outdone, Bro. Eddie Villanueva will try to walk on water.

Have you seen Gilbert Teodoro’s latest TV ad where he tried to fly a plane? Here’s an update on that: the owner of the plane has threatened to sue Gibô for using the aircraft without permission.

This just in! While ABS-CBN is backing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino, its child welfare arm, Bantay Bata 163 has decided to throw its support behind “abused child” Jamby Madrigal.

Villar vs. Enrile
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile accused Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. of trying to buy his loyalty last August 29, 2009. It took five months for Enrile to expose the alleged bribe try because he had to study the offer carefully.

Villar vs. Enrile II
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. denied offering a bribe to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. While Villar admitted that he met briefly with Enrile, he clarified that he never attempted to bribe him although he remembered telling the Senate president, “I could give you a new house and lot if you’d appear as a contestant on Wowowee.”

Pimentel’s Joke
Senate Minority Leader Aquilino Pimentel Jr. has apologized for a sex joke during Monday’s heated Senate debate on the C-5 road extension project controversy. Pimentel admitted that it was wrong to crack a joke on Korina’s crack.

Priests Confess
Some 5,500 Roman Catholic priests participated in a mass confession Wednesday, January 27. The event marked one of the largest gatherings of hypocrites ever.

Some 5,500 Roman Catholic priests participated in a mass confession Wednesday, January 27. A check on official records showed that the most common terms uttered during the confession were “boys” and “women.”
_____________
“There’s a very fine line between what is considered legal and ethical and legitimate, and [what constitutes] bribery.”
~Randall Eliason

Survey Says
Marlene Aguilar-Pollard is…
Mabuting ina 2%
Kunsintidora! 15%
Nuts! 83%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





TAKE TWO

13 10 2009

ERAP_SURVEYBINAY
IT’S CONFIRMED. Deposed president Joseph Estrada is running for president in 2010 with Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay as running mate.

The confirmation came from Erap’s son himself, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. Asked who could be Estrada’s closest rival, Enrile said, “everybody is a close rival of Erap.”

Nonetheless, Estrada is confident of overtaking Noynoy in the next survey. Why? Unverified reports reveal he is spending millions of pesos to commission the next presidential survey. Not only that! He drafted the questions himself! However, unknown to Erap, the research firms made some last-minute revisions in the final questionnaire. Yet again, the Professional Heckler obtained a copy.

So, here it is. Indulge!

For the Exclusive Use of Sssh W. Ssssh and Fools Asia
Target Sample: 1,238
Coverage:
1: San Juan City
2: Baseco Compound (Tondo)
3: Erap City (Resettlement Site in Rodriguez, Rizal)
4: Makati City (South Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, West Rembo, Pembo, Brgy. Singkamas, Brgy. Rizal, Brgy. Bangkal & Brgy. Pitogo)

Magandang araw po. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay nagsanib puwersa ang Sssh W. Ssssh at Fools Asia upang isagawa ang pag-aaral na ito kaugnay ng susunod na halalan. Gaano n’yo nga ba kakilala sina Joseph Estrada at Jejomar Binay? Gaano kalaki ang inyong paniniwala sa kanilang kakayahan? Susuportahan n’yo ba ang kanilang kandidatura?

In the service of the Filipino people, tinitiyak po naming walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan at walang kasinungalingan ang survey na ito.

Personal na Impormasyon
Pangalan: ____________________________ Edad: ______________________

Email Address: _______________ Cellphone No.: ______________

Paboritong ‘Erap Movie:’ ______________________________________

Bakit ka lumahok sa survey na ito?
[ ] Idol ko si Erap
[ ] Idol ko si Binay
[ ] Para sa bayan
[ ] Sayang ang P250

Panuto: Ikulong sa kulungan ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong napiling sagot. Ito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka ng sagot.
erap_survey
Tandaan: Nakasalalay sa iyong mga sagot kung may matatanggap kang regalo o wala. Kaya’t maging matalino at praktikal sa pagpili ng letra.

Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto para sagutan ang mga tanong. Simulan.

1: Si dating pangulong Joseph Estrada ay napatunayang guilty sa kasong plunder. Maging si Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay ay nakasuhan na rin ng plunder. Ngayon, mag-partner na sila. Ano ang masasabi mo sa isyung ito?
A: Pulitika ‘yan! Pinupulitika lamang sila!
B: Maawa naman kayo! Bakit n’yo ba sila inaapi?
C: Pinatutunayan lamang nito na mali ang kasabihang, “Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

2: Kumpletuhin ang bahaging ito ng inaugural speech ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada noong 1998: “Walang kai-kaibigan. Walang kumpa-kumpare. Walang kama-kamag-anak… Huwag n’yo ‘kong __________!”
A: Subukan
B: Tawanan
C: Patalsikin

3: Mula 1986 ay nasa pamamahala na ni Mayor Jejomar Binay (1986-1998; 2001-2010) at ng maybahay nitong si Dr. Elenita Binay (1998-2001) ang lungsod ng Makati. Kabuuang dalawampu’t tatlong taon na sila sa puwesto. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: 23 years?!? You mean, two decades and three years?!? Tama ba ang narinig ko? Or am I just dreaming? Sampalin mo ‘ko! Sampalin mo ‘ko!
B: Tama na! Sobra na! Palitan na!
C: Bakit?!? Naiinggit kayo? Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana walang pakialaman!

4: May mga nagsasabing hindi raw pinapayagan ng Saligang Batas na muling tumakbo pa sa pagka-pangulo si dating Pangulong Estrada. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: Pwes… magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Edsa 4!
B: ‘Wag na kasing makulit. Sinabi nang ‘di pwede eh.
C: Ano ‘yung Saligang Bigas? Relief goods ba ‘yun?

5: Ano ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveyLOGOMAKATI
A: Isa sa dalawang opisyal na simbolo ng Makati City na ang ibig sabihin ay “Paglingkuran ang Bayan”
B: Ultrasound ‘yan noong fetus pa lamang si Mayor Binay
C: ‘Wag n’yo kaming gawing tanga! “B” stands for Binay! Alangan namang ‘Belmonte’ ‘yan eh taga-QC ‘yung matandang ‘yun!?!

6: Kumpletuhin ang 1998 campaign slogan ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada: “Erap para sa ___________.”
A: Gambling lord at corrupt
B: Kabit na masarap
C: Mahirap

7: Sino ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveynestor
A. Ang magiting na bise-alkalde ng Makati City, si Kgg. Nestor Mercado
B: Masyadong madilim eh. Hindi ko makilala.
C: Siya lang naman ang patatakbuhin ni Mayor Binay next year para alkalde, ‘tapos after one term, si Councilor Jejomar Erwin Binay naman. Tuloy ang ligaya!

8: Sa kaibuturan ng iyong puso, sa palagay mo ba ay mananalong muli bilang pangulo si Joseph Estrada?
A: Sure na!
B: Kung hindi babawasan ni Kris Aquino ang kadaldalan, kaartehan, at kataklesahan niya mula ngayon hanggang eleksyon, may tsansa si Erap
C: “God Save the Philippines from Joseph Ejercito Estrada!”

9: Sa iyong palagay, mananalo ba bilang pangalawang pangulo si Jejomar Binay?
A: Sigurado ako, landslide ‘yan! Sa Makati!
B: Sana.
C: Ayoko nga! Eh kung 23 years siyang maging vice president? No way, highway!

10: Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata. Isipin mo ang ating mga kababayang naghihirap. Imadyinin mo ang mga Pilipinong walang makain dahil sinalanta sila ng bagyo. Pagkatapos, tingnan mo ang hinaharap. Imadyinin mo ang kinabukasan. Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong na ito: Kung hindi sina Erap at Binay, sino?
A: Oo nga. Wala nang iba!
B: Hmm, sina Kris Aquino at Boy Abunda? Now na!
C: Wait lang. Imumulat ko na ba ang mga mata ko bago ko ibigay ang sagot? Nakapikit pa kasi ako eh.

Bonus Question
Isa siya sa mga babaeng “malapit” kay Erap. Sino ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveylaarni
A: Guia Gomez, future mayor of San Juan
B. Joy Melendrez, basta, siya ‘yun!
C: Laarni Enriquez, favorite mistress

That’s all Polk! Hanggang dito na lamang. Wala nang kasunod.

Hintayin ang aming tawag kung kailan puwedeng i-claim ang apat na kilong bigas, tatlong latang sardinas, dalawang Good Morning towels, at isang “Erap-Binay for 2010” t-shirt. Magdala ng dalawang valid IDs at isang 1×1 picture, (whole body) kapag nag-claim.

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang Pilipinas!
_______________________________
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
President Arroyo is hot? Check this out. Funny.

Manila Standard’s Antonio Abaya on the Nobel Peace Prize

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on the recent ANC Face to Face Forum featuring Senators Manny Villar, Noynoy Aquino and Chiz Escudero, and Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro

Makati City Trivia:
THE names of Barangay Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, Pembo, South Cembo and West Rembo in Makati are acronyms. These stand for Central Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Cembo), Combat Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Comembo), Riverside Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Rembo) and Panthers’ Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Pembo). The barrios were established in the late 1940s and 1950s when soldiers from different parts of the Philippines arrived at Fort McKinley (now Fort Bonifacio) and were directed to occupy nearby areas. [PDI/6.02.09]





LOYALTY

23 09 2009

enrile Enrile on Estrada
Before Senator Lacson delivered Part 2 of his privilege speech on former president Joseph Estrada, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile took the floor to defend his good friend Erap, and extolled the ousted president’s sincerity, honesty, loyalty, and kindness. As Enrile was heaping praise after praise on Erap, people started wondering: Was he delivering a privilege speech or a eulogy?

Villar and Willie
Nacionalista Party spokesmen Gilbert Remulla and Atty. Adel Tamano flatly denied that Sen. Manny Villar has asked TV host Willie Revillame to be his running mate. The spokesmen described the issue as a “baseless rumor.” Observers described the denial as “damage control.”

Kris on Willie
Kris Aquino advised Willie Revillame to consider running first for mayor of Quezon City where he is registered before aspiring for a Senate seat… to which QC residents said, “Eh gusto ‘nung tao na mag-Senado eh, ba’t mo itutulak sa ‘min?”

boya Boy Picks Noy
Kris Aquino has confirmed that Boy Abunda, a known supporter of presidential aspirant Manny Villar, has shifted his allegiance to Noynoy Aquino. Just seconds after Kris made the confirmation on national TV, Senator Villar received this text message: “I know how you feel. I can relate. – Dr. Vicki Belo”

Boy Picks Noy II
A long time supporter of Sen. Manny Villar, talent manager Boy Abunda has reportedly shifted his allegiance to Sen. Noynoy Aquino. The multi-awarded TV host declined to elaborate on his decision but issued this brief statement to the press: “If you want a First Lady who looks like Cynthia Villar, you go vote for Manny. But if you want a First Lady who looks like Shalani Soledad, you go vote for Noynoy.”

noykrisss Kris & Noynoy
Kris Aquino says one-third of the revenues from her pending endorsements will go to Josh, one-third will go to Baby James, and one-third will go to Noynoy’s campaign kitty. Sought for comment on his wife’s statement, cager James Yap said, “Hindi ko nga po alam kung bakit ako, wala. ‘Tapos may one-third ang kay Kuya ‘Noy na pusa.”

argee Belo Sues Lawyer
Cosmetic expert Vicki Belo has sued lawyer Argee Guevarra for libel after he allegedly called her unflattering names like “Reyna ng Kaplastikan” and “Reyna ng Kapalpakan” on the social networking site Facebook. Belo is currently in a hospital though… because when she heard about the progressive lawyer’s Facebook attacks, she got so incensed, her nose started to combust.

________
“Loyalty is a fine quality, but in excess it fills political graveyards.”
~ Neil Kinnock





HIGH NA KHO!

26 05 2009

JAMBOY Jamby’s Inside Info
Virtually absolving Erik Chua of any liability, Sen. Jamby Madrigal told the press that she knew the identity of the high profile and famous person responsible for the spread of Hayden Kho’s sex videos. Shortly after Madrigal’s statement to the media, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. issued a denial.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she knows the identity of the person responsible for the spread of the Hayden Kho sex videos. She promised to reveal the identity of that person… as soon as she had finished watching Maricar-Hayden Part 2: Now available for download online!

HAY_BRIZ Senate Hearing
Reports say the Senate will start its probe on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal on Thursday. THIS JUST IN! Senators consider postponing the hearing after former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye surfaced and claimed that the videos being sold in Quiapo were fake and that he’s keeping the original copy.

hay_mom Mommy Kho Breaks Silence
Hayden Kho’s mother, Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on television Monday night and took the cudgels for her controversial son whom she described as “matino, mabait, and disente.” This statement left viewers wondrin’ whether it was Hayden or his mother who’s hooked on drugs.

Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on TV Monday night and blamed actress Katrina Halili, talent manager Lolit Solis, Sen. Bong Revilla, militant women’s rights group Gabriela, and other organizations for her son’s woes. She said, “Ang anak ko pinaglalaruan. Ang anak ko tinatapakan.” Apparently, Mrs. Kho has not seen her son’s lewd videos. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ang anak ko dinadaganan. Ang anak ko kinakain. Ang anak ko inuupuan. Ang anak ko pinapatungan.”

In defending Hayden Kho, a combative Mrs. Irene Kho lambasted Katrina Halili’s “acting,” blamed Lolit Solis and Bong Revilla for the sex scandal, and insisted that her beloved son is “matino, disente, at mabait.” Considering her devotion to Hayden, I wouldn’t be surprised if a video of mother and son starts surfacing soon.

hay_mom2
BREAKING NEWS! Mrs. Irene Kho has flatly denied rumors she is somehow related to renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.

Reacting to Mrs. Irene Kho’s tirades, talent manager Lolit Solis denounced Hayden Kho and called him “coward”, “hypocrite,” “traitor,” and “spoiled brat who went on a tantrum.” Oops, sorry, that wasn’t Lolit Solis. That’s Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel Monday.

Pimentel vs. Enrile
After verbally attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile resigned Monday as chair of the Senate committee of the whole, which is hearing the ethics complaint against Sen. Manny Villar. On Tuesday however, reports say Enrile will remain as chair. Simply put, Enrile faked his resignation.

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between Mrs. Irene Kho and Dr. Vicki Belo?
A: One session of botox

Q: What happens when Vicki Belo gives Juan Ponce Enrile a botox injection without his consent?
A: Ambush makeover

Q: What’s the favorite pastime of Mrs. Irene Kho’s children?
A: “Hayden Sick”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: A sex video of two impoverished teenage kids doing it inside a pedicab
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Mar Roxas telling one of the kids, “Anak, itabi mo. Ako naman.”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with his wife in a car parked along C5 Road
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with an “itik.”
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar recorded it on video
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby Madrigal telling everyone she has her own copy of the evidence
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Alan Peter Cayetano defending Manny Villar saying it was consensual.

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Senators enjoying the Hayden Kho videos during an executive session
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Senators Loren and Angara excusing themselves even before the session is over
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Biazon and Enrile get a boner.
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Miriam “gets wet.”
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby staring at Miriam’s crotch.
___________
“Addiction is a symptom of not growing up. I know people think it’s a disease… If you have a brain tumor, if you have cancer, that’s a disease. To say that an addiction is a disease is not fair to the real diseases of the world.”
~C. C. DeVille





GIFTS

18 05 2009

BALIKAT
Balikatan Fund Controversy
Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile says the Senate is not keen on investigating the alleged misuse of the budget allotted to the Balikatan military exercises… unless the whistleblower links Sen. Manny Villar to the fund mess.

Politics of Hate
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde appealed to the country’s political leaders, particularly presidential aspirants to end the “politics of hate.” That’s exactly what Mar Roxas had in mind when he decided to use “love” to advance his political agenda.

Aung San Suu Kyi
Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo has appealed to Myanmar’s military junta to release from house arrest Nobel laureate and democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyi. To prove its sincerity, the Philippine government has offered to help fast-track Suu Kyi’s release by sending to Myanmar – Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office.

Lim & Manila’s Elderly
Mayor Alfredo Lim says starting this May, senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive gifts from the city government. The package includes Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Lim initiated the project after receiving reports that a number of elderly persons in Manila have started to relocate to neighboring Makati.

Starting May 2009, Manila’s elderly will receive gifts from the city government. When an unidentified old man heard this, he exclaimed, “Thank you Mayor Lim! Thank you Unilever! Thank you 2010 elections!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has just announced his newest project: senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Now that the program is in progress, he can now focus on his new project: a TV ad.

matanda
Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s Latest Project in Manila

No. 5: “Isang balot na ligaya kapalit ng isang balota.”

No. 4: “Kapag termino’y natapos, regalo ay ubos!”

No. 3: “Suyuin ang matatanda habang maaga! Pigilan ang pagbalik ng pamilya Atienza!”

No. 2: “Ganito kami sa Tondo. Sana ganito rin sa buong mundo!”

And the No. 1 rejected slogan for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s latest project in Manila…

“Hindi lamang sa Makati may nabobola! May puwede ring utuin dito sa Manila!”

katrina-hayden Video Scandal
Another scandalous video involving actress Katrina Halili and Hayden “Careless Whisper” Kho has reportedly surfaced! But here’s the strange thing about it: the scandal took place inside a Comelec rest room!

Light Bites
Q: What has three wheels and flies?
A: A pedicab carrying shit

Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: The shit appears on TV during lunchtime

Q: What do you get when you put Manny Villar in a glass of water?
A: Orange juice!

Q: What do you get when you put Jejomar Binay in a glass of water?
A: A chocolate drink!

Q: What do you get when you put Panfilo Lacson in a glass of water?
A: A gunshot wound.

LBC Elsewhere…
Here are two versions (1) Remittance (2) Affordable – of the controversial LBC TV ad that has generated outrage from various sectors like Migrante International for “falsely educating” children about the sacrifices of OFWs. The ads were created by ASPAC/LAW Advertising Agency.

The geniuses of Aspac could learn a thing or two from the people behind a series of similar advertisements shown on US television a couple of years back. Here it is.

Manila Standard Today’s Vic Agustin has an item on the controversial YouTube video showing the father of a poll automation bidder inside a Comelec restroom.

Lastly, this may be a bit late, but I want to share a really nice piece titled “Systems” written by Conrad De Quiros for the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
____________
“To drive men from independence to live on alms, is itself great cruelty.”
~Edmund Burke





PIRATES & PRAYERS

20 11 2008

Postscript to a Senate Coup
Did you hear about US President-elect Barack Obama’s pre-dawn call to President Arroyo last Tuesday? They say Malacañang is so proud of that one call… to which Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “That’s nothing! Before dawn last Tuesday, I received 13 calls.”

As of press time Thursday, both the Senate majority and minority were claiming Sen. Lito Lapid, the confused chairman of the games and amusements committee as their own – prompting the Kapampangan action star to complain, “Ewan ko nga ba sa mga ‘yan. Ang gulu-gulo at ang ingay-ingay sa session hall. Kulang na nga ako sa tulog eh.”

Sen. Francis Escudero wants the chairmanship of the powerful Blue Ribbon committee. Sen. Richard Gordon also wants the Blue Ribbon. Other senators want Alan Peter Cayetano to keep the Blue Ribbon. Everyone is desperate for the Blue Ribbon… except perhaps for Lito Lapid whose only craving is a Red Ribbon.

A Worried JDV
Reports say Cong. Jose De Venecia is worried about the upcoming new appointments in the Supreme Court. Two days ago, he got worried when Juan Ponce Enrile was installed Senate president. He is also worried Congress might totally junk the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. Kawawa naman ‘tong taong ‘to. Ayaw tigilan ng konsensya. Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?

Pulse Asia Survey
In the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia Inc, 58 percent of Filipinos said they were “losers” or “worse now” compared to last year. Sen. Manuel Villar and Cong. Jose De Venecia share the same sentiment.


Somali Pirates I
According to the Department of Foreign Affairs, the number of abducted Filipino seafarers being held hostage in waters off Somalia rose to 134 after another group of Somali pirates seized a merchant vessel with seven Filipinos on board. President Arroyo is calling on all Filipinos to pray for the safety of the hostages. She ordered Press Secretary Jesus Dureza to lead the prayer.

Somali Pirates II
Somali pirates hijacked Saudi oil super-tanker Sirius Star with 19 Filipinos on board. Sketchy reports say the Pinoy hostages were allowed to use mobile phones. Those who were able to call home assured their loved ones they are being treated humanely, with some pirates even promising them clothes, food, and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

__________
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
~Thomas Szasz





NA COUP HA SA TIYAGA

18 11 2008

The Coup
Sen. Manuel Villar has been ousted as Senate president and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was installed as his replacement. Sen. Gringo Honasan swore in Enrile to his new position. After 22 years, the duo has finally staged their first ever successful coup.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, the 84-year-old lawmaker talked about the Senate’s advocacies, ambitious projects, and a bright future as an independent institution – words that were truly inspiring to hear… especially from someone who may no longer be there when “future” happens.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer identified the members of the core group that strenuously worked for Villar’s ouster: Loren Legarda, Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas, and Jamby Madrigal. However, even if you combined their best efforts, much of the credit should still go to Korina Sanchez.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, he thanked everyone who helped him (snatch the third highest post in the land) especially Loren Legarda, Mar Roxas, Panfilo Lacson, Jamby Madrigal, and CP Garcia Avenue.

Another Inquirer report quoted an administration senator as saying Sen. Edgardo Angara plotted against Villar to advance the vice presidential bid of Loren Legarda who could become Joseph Estrada’s running mate if he decided to run. And we all thought the “affair” was over.

Administration senators who voted to oust Villar included Honasan, Richard Gordon, Edgardo Angara, Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., and Juan Miguel Zubiri. Lito Lapid who couldn’t understand what was happening also voted “Yes” to Villar’s ouster but only because he had a hard time spelling “Abstain.”

Sen. Manuel Villar said he was saddened and surprised by Jinggoy Estrada’s vote. He was even more surprised when the Senate allowed Lito Lapid to vote.

In a statement released following his ouster, Sen. Manuel Villar said he would now concentrate on being a fiscalizer, to which a curious Lito Lapid said, “So, may negosyo rin siyang abono?”

Tuesday’s headline of The Manila Standard Today reads: “Enrile two heartbeats away from the presidency.” When Noli De Castro saw this he said, “So kung ako, one heartbeat, kawawa naman si Pangulong Arroyo, zero heartbeat.”

In Other News…
Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said President Arroyo on Tuesday got a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama reportedly assured Arroyo that good relations and cooperation between the US and the Philippines would continue… in her dreams.

US President-elect Barack Obama phoned President Arroyo on Tuesday at around 3:17 in the morning. Yup, that was a pre-dawn call. Apparently, Obama was hoping nobody would answer.

Malacañang said President Arroyo received a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama praised Arroyo for being honest, hardworking, incorruptible, principled, morally upright, and ethical. And then she woke up.

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest survey on presidential aspirants conducted by Pulse Asia. De Castro got 18 percent, followed by Manuel Villar and Joseph Estrada, 17 percent; Francis Escudero, 15 percent; Loren Legarda, 13 percent and Panfilo Lacson, 7 percent. With Mar Roxas placing a distant seventh, other presidentiables are hoping to avoid a clash with DZMM’s Korina Sanchez.
_________
We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against betrayal.
~Tennessee Williams








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