ICYMI

21 02 2014

albie
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

albie
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

albie
In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

albie
Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Trusted
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

bakya
“Tweeter”
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

“Decapitated”
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

Traffic
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

Single
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

1
New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
——————————————-
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week
albie

albie

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]





THE FUGITIVE: A KRISSY EXCLUSIVE

19 08 2013

WHERE IN HELL is she? She’s STILL here! She won’t reveal her exact location but at least she’s talking about the issues hounding her. She also requested that KRISSY do the interview. Request granted! So Krissy, you know the drill. Good luck!

1K
HELLLLLOOOOO EVERYONE! Hiiiii! Binaha ba kayo? Krissy here. Nakakaloka ‘tong assignment na ‘to huh! Kung kelan umuulan at flooded ang streets saka ako inutusan. ‘Di bale… inisip ko na lang: this is for the country naman ‘di ba? And you know naman our family when it comes to serving the nation. Rain or shine, gow! Care bears na sa baha! Aha-ha-ha!

Before we begin, i have a kwento lang, This morning before I left for this interview, Bimbee made lambing. Sabi niya, “Mama, please take a photo of the pork barrel woman I saw on TV so I could punch her.” Aha-ha-ha! I swear hindi ko s’ya kinaya! Naloka ako sa anak ko! So I replied, “Bimbs, nooo! That’s bad. You have to respect other people no matter how bruha they are. Kung gusto mo, ‘yong lawyer na lang niya ang ipunch mo!” Pumayag si bagets! Hashtag AlamNa! Aha-ha-ha! He’s so me talaga aha-ha-ha!

Hello din po Ma’am Krissy!

Ay! You’re here na pala. Kanina ka pa ba d’yan?

Yes po, Ma’am Krissy.

Hellllllllllllllow! Manalamin ka nga. Mukha ka nang singkwenta’y otso ‘noh! I’m only 42! So call me Krissy na lang. Ako nga ang dapat mag-ma’am sa ‘yo eh!

Sige po.

And pleeeeease, don’t use po. I feel old. Anyway, start na tayo dahil baka abutan pa ako ng flood. Kanina kasi when your staff brought me here, naka-blindfold ako. Kaloka ‘di ba? Eksenang kidnapping ang drama. Hindi ka na nadala! Aha-ha-ha! So my first question is: where are we right now?

Hindi ko po pwedeng sabihin eh. Baka matunton ako ng NBI.

Sabi ko nga! Aha-ha-ha Ba’t ba ako tawa nang tawa? Aha-ha-ha! Sige, clue na lang. Are we still in Metro Manila?

Opo.

Mandaluyong?

Hindi po.

Pasig?

Hindi po.

Makati?

Hindi po.

Quezon City?

Ayaw ko na pong magsalita. Kasi po, ‘yong ano. Basta, ano, magagalit ang lawyer ko.

Hay naku! Kainis ka! Anyway, you know me naman right? I’m really prangka. At ayoko ng liar! I may be many things but I’m not a liar. So sana, tell me na lang the truth, ok?

Sige po.

Talaga? As in the whole truth?

Opo.

Bongga! I love you naaaa! Joke! So nasaan tayo ngayon?

Nasa bathtub po.

Ay, winnnnerrrr! Oo nga ‘no?!? Gosh, I didn’t notice. Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga. Ang laking bathtub naman nito girl! At personalized pa huh! Ano nga ‘yang nakasulat sa may likod mo? To your left. There! Pakibasa nga.

“Courtesy of my friends in the Senate”

Beautifuuuuuul! Alam mo, bongga ka talaga! No wonder, you amassed such massive wealth.

Hindi naman po ako rich. Blessed lang.


Noooo! You’re rich! Iba ang rich sa blessed. Ako, blessed ako. Si Boy blessed. Si Senator [unintelligible] rich! Si Congressman [unintelligible] rich. Basta! Ayoko nang mag-explain. Wait, ano ‘yong naka-print sa right side ng bathtub?

‘Yong ano? Ang alin? ‘Yong maigsi o mahaba po?

‘Yong medyo mahaba. Na-curious ako bigla. Pakibasa please.

“Another project made possible by your friends in the House of Representatives.”

Fabulous! Kainis kaaaaa. You’re so influential talagaaaaa. Kung nanonood ka Boy, pa-borrow muna ako ng linya mo sa Bandila huh. Look at me Jenny… look at me.

Ano po? Saan po?

Hellllloooow! Tumingin ka sa akin! Ang slowwwww! JENNY… IKAW NA!

Ang ano po?

Ano ba?!?! You’re supposed to say something. Hindi ka ba nanonood ng Bandila?

Naku hindi po. Si Korina lang ang pinapanood ko.

Ayyyy, NR! Ayoko ng intriga. ‘Yan pa naman ang kabilin-bilinan sa akin ni Ate Peenky. “Krissy, kapag na-mention ang pangalan ni [unintelligible] zip your lips.” Ohhhhhh-kay. Eh ‘di quiet na lang ako. Aha-ha-ha! Moving on… sabi mo sa isang TV interview, hindi mo alam ang ‘pork barrel?’

Hindi po.

As in you don’t know what pork barrel is?

Hindi po talaga.

Naku, you’re lyiiiiing. I hate you naaaa. Look at your nose. It’s getting bigger already.

Namimersonal naman kayo Ma’am Krissy.

Helllloooooow! Kung namimersonal ako eh ‘di sana, I told you that you badly need a nose job. But out of respect, I did not say that. I swear, I have nothing personal against you. I just can’t believe na hindi mo alam ang pork barrel. Feeling ko talaga you’re lying.

Ibang tanong na lang po. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.

Fine! According to the DOJ, meron ka raw at least 30 vehicles including a Porsche Cayenne.

Mali ka Miss Krissy. Pors po ‘yon. Hindi Portia.

Noooo! It’s Porsche!

Pors po.

Bahala ka na nga! Pero nakakaloka naman ang dami ng sasakyan mo. Akala ko ba coal mining ang business mo? Parang car dealership naman!

Sinungaling po ang DOJ.

Naku! You’re accusing Secretary De Lima of lying huh! So ilan ba talaga?

OA naman po ang 30. Twenty nine lang!

Gosh! Mali nga ang report. DOJ huh, you’re not doing your homework! Masamang mag-accuse huh! Heto pa… how true naman na you have 28 houses?

Grabe naman Ms Krissy. Kung marami talaga akong houses, bakit dito tayo nag-uusap sa bathtub?

True! May point ka aha-ha-ha So ilan ba talaga ang houses mo?

Isasama ko po ba sa bilang ang Lower House?

It’s really up to you.

Siguro, huwag na lang ‘yong ano. ‘Tsaka ‘yong ano, baka magalit si Senator [unintelligible]. Anim lang talaga ang bahay ko. ‘Yon ang ano, ang totoo. Basta.

Eh ano ‘yong lumabas na 28?

Bathttub po ‘yon.

Huwhaaaat?!? Meron kang dalawampu’t walong bathtub? Kaloka huh! Saan mo naman ginagamit ang bathtub? Ba’t gano’n karami?

Ibang tanong na lang. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.

Na naman?! Kainis ‘yang lawyer mong ‘yan huh! At in fairness sa kanya, ke galit s’ya o hindi, mukha talaga siyang galit! Promise!

Namimersonal ka na naman Ms Krissy. Dahil ba lawyer siya ni James?

Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako namimersonal. Whether she’s that man’s lawyer or not, she badly needs a stylist! Her makeup is horrible! Did you see the eye shadow? Buong face may eye shadow! Aha-ha-ha!

Ay heto na pala si Attorney…

Where?

Joooke! Hihihihi Natakot ka Ms Krissy ‘noh?.

Shet kaaaa! Alam mo you’re not funny! Next time, don’t make fun of me huh! Hindi tayo close! Remember, may three years pa ang brother ko! Kainezz! Nag-palpitate tuloy ako! I hate you na talagaaaaa!

Mahaba pa ba ‘to Ms Krissy?

Ewan ko! Mas mahaba ang ilong mo!! Hmpff! Maglaro na nga lang tayo!

Sige! Anong game Ms Krissy? The Price Is Right?

Ikaw talaga, ang hilig sa presyuhan! Noooo! Pipikit ka tapos I’ll repeatedly punch and kick you on behalf of the Filipino people.

Ay, gano’n po?!?

Joooke! Scared ka ‘no? Finally, nakaganti rin ako. Aha-ha-ha Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll play a fast-paced trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. JENNY… Game Ka Na Ba?

Game Na!

1KLet’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?

Ghost!

Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”

Senador?

I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?

Bong!

Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! Kumpare ko ‘yon! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, saan naman galing ang pork?

Sa buwaya!

I said PORK Ms Jenny!

Kongresista!?!

PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry senator. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!

Pulitika!

Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya. Dahil sa answers mong ‘yan, like na kitaaaaaa! Aha-ha-ha! Last na. This question comes from William Baldwin, and he wants to know: What is one big mistake that you made in your life and what did you do to make it right?

Thank you so much Krissy por that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, good ibning Philippines! You know what Krissy, in my 55 years of existence, I can say that there is nothing major major I mean problem that I hab done in my life becos I am very conpident with my friends in the Senate and Congress, with the lab that they are giving to me. So, thank you so much that I am in this bathtub. Thank you, thank so much!

I luveeeeet! Aha-ha-ha! JENNY… Ikaw na!

Hindi naman.

Ano ba!? I’ll give you another chance para tumama ang sagot mo, ok? JENNY… Ikaw na!

Sana nga.

Gosh! Stup…[unintelligible] Piktyuran na nga lang kita. Kaloka! Bimbee… wait for Mama, ok? Meron akong dalang sorpresa. Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————————————–
“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”
~ Criss Jami

Sound Bites
“It is not up to the senators to determine whether an NGO is bogus or not.”
~Jinggoy Estrada (Senator, reportedly)

Kung naniniwala kang dapat nang mahinto ang PAGNANAKAW ng mga pulitiko, taong-gobyerno at kanilang mga kasabwat sa buwis ng taumbayan, kita-kita tayo sa Lunes, Araw ng mga Bayani, August 26 sa Luneta!

Ingat Pilipinas!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





TAKE TWO, AGAIN

22 10 2009

erap2010_group
Erap Declares Bid
Deposed president and pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada is running for president, again! If you haven’t had enough of “Ondoy’ and “Pepeng,” then, vote for him.

Erap Declares Bid II
In declaring his bid for the presidency, Joseph Estrada said, “… tinatanggap ko ang hamon at hiling ng ating mga kababayan upang ibalik ang dangal ng mga api, ng mga masang Pilipino, upang ibalik ang pag-asa sa mga mahihirap, upang ibalik ang tinig ng masang Pilipino.” Eh tarantado ka pala eh. Matapos mong ibigay ‘yung dangal, pag-asa, at tinig sa mga kabit mo, sa mga crony mo, at sa mga Arroyo, ngayon gusto mong ibalik? Eh ‘di ibalik mo. Gago!

Erap Declares Bid III
Joseph Estrada has declared his bid for the presidency saying, “This will be the last performance of my life,” to which Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Sus! Sinabi ko na rin ‘yan eh!”

Erap Declares Bid IV
Amid questions on his eligibility to run, deposed president Joseph Estrada has officially declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. Where in the world was Panfilo Lacson when we needed him most?

Erap Declares Bid V
Joseph Estrada has decided to run for president next year. In fact, he has already chosen his running mate. He has also picked his senatorial bets. He is so damn ready for 2010 he has decided on almost everything, except for the next First Lady.

erap2010_jdv Erap Declares Bid VI
Did you see Joey “Delicadeza” De Venecia on TV while his hands were being raised as one of Erap’s senatorial bets? I did! Now, I need a new TV set because the moment I saw that guy’s face, I smashed the TV screen.

Top 5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Voting for Convicted Plunderer Joseph Estrada to Malacañang

No. 5: Are we prepared for an exchange rate of P65 pesos to $1?

No. 4: When will we ever learn?

No. 3: After Rudy “Weather-weather lang” Meyer, who’s next?

No. 2: We have endured and allowed “nine” years of Mikey in Malacañang. Are we letting Jinggoy have his “eight?” [He had two already.]

And the No. 1 question you should ask yourself before voting for Joseph Estrada…

Ano ako, tanga?

In light of FAMAS Hall of Famer Erap’s renewed quest for the presidency, I am reprinting a chain email that first surfaced during FPJ’s unsuccessful bid for president in 2004. This is a list of prospective envoys/ambassadors of RP to the rest of the world had the King won. I have added some names to the list. Who knows, these people might just get their appointment papers once Erap reclaims Malacañang! Kung si Rudy Meyer nga na-appoint eh! Nothing is impossible.

African Union: Susan Africa
Amman: Jordan Herrera
Beijing: Kim Chiu
Brunei: Cristina Gonzales
Chile: Randy Santiago
Colombia: The Alabang Boys or Tim Yap
Germany: Baron Geisler
India: Shivaker
Jamaica: Jaya
Japan: Akihiro Sato
Mongolia: Mr. Shooli
Medjugorje (Bosnia & Herzegovina): Marian Rivera
Romania: David Bunevacz
Russia: Nanette Medved
Spain: Gerald Madrid
Switzerland: Geneva Cruz
Tel-Aviv: Dick Israel
Malaysia/Indonesia/Korea/Thailand/Singapore: Asia Agcaoili
Turkey: Ruffa Gutierrez-Bektas
United Kingdom: Victoria London
Vienna: Amy Austria
United States: Gerald Anderson
Special Envoy to the Skies: Rey Langit
Special Envoy to the Fields: Pilar Pilapil
Special Envoy to the Seas: Tiya Pusit

In Other News…
Quoting an anonymous source, the Philippine Star reported that Nationalist People’s Coalition founder businessman Eduardo ‘Danding’ Cojuangco would likely support Sen. Noynoy Aquino instead of Sen. Francis Escudero. An aide of Escudero says he will face the press as soon as he has finished drafting his official statement. He’s almost finished; he’s already on the 18th page.

PBA Update
Alain Katigbak, the Atenean heckler who was attacked by Wynne Arboleda after hurling invectives and hurtful words at the Burger King guard wants the PBA to ban the player for life. In a letter to the league, Katigbak said, “That fVK7#^$k!ng^#9 must b%E&*()^$!annihilated!@$#^! I am from Ateneo and he’s just a good for not^H%i$n3g(* son of a b%I&t^c$h*&#$#8^$#. I will use my con%n$ection#s to mAk*3%7^#$)* that son of a%But$^c(h! pay!. Pu*ang-I%na n’\/a! Atenista ako! Atenista ako! You f&ck&ng goD&%6da&mn s%n(^of*abt&c%h! Nagkamali ka ng kinaL%aba%n haY^up k#ang dem*0n&y!o ka! Ban him you f&u*k*I*ing id%Iot$! Yours truly, Alain Katigbak, P.S. Kizz mY a$$!

_________
“Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Estrada (Inauguration Day, 1998)
[Don't worry Erap. We will remember that when we go to our polling precincts in 2010.]

Survey Says…
What is Noynoy Aquino’s best asset as a presidential contender?
Being the son of Cory and Ninoy: 37%
His untarnished image and reputation: 36%
Kris Aquino: 27%
His track record as a lawmaker: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





TAKE TWO

13 10 2009

ERAP_SURVEYBINAY
IT’S CONFIRMED. Deposed president Joseph Estrada is running for president in 2010 with Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay as running mate.

The confirmation came from Erap’s son himself, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. Asked who could be Estrada’s closest rival, Enrile said, “everybody is a close rival of Erap.”

Nonetheless, Estrada is confident of overtaking Noynoy in the next survey. Why? Unverified reports reveal he is spending millions of pesos to commission the next presidential survey. Not only that! He drafted the questions himself! However, unknown to Erap, the research firms made some last-minute revisions in the final questionnaire. Yet again, the Professional Heckler obtained a copy.

So, here it is. Indulge!

For the Exclusive Use of Sssh W. Ssssh and Fools Asia
Target Sample: 1,238
Coverage:
1: San Juan City
2: Baseco Compound (Tondo)
3: Erap City (Resettlement Site in Rodriguez, Rizal)
4: Makati City (South Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, West Rembo, Pembo, Brgy. Singkamas, Brgy. Rizal, Brgy. Bangkal & Brgy. Pitogo)

Magandang araw po. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay nagsanib puwersa ang Sssh W. Ssssh at Fools Asia upang isagawa ang pag-aaral na ito kaugnay ng susunod na halalan. Gaano n’yo nga ba kakilala sina Joseph Estrada at Jejomar Binay? Gaano kalaki ang inyong paniniwala sa kanilang kakayahan? Susuportahan n’yo ba ang kanilang kandidatura?

In the service of the Filipino people, tinitiyak po naming walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan at walang kasinungalingan ang survey na ito.

Personal na Impormasyon
Pangalan: ____________________________ Edad: ______________________

Email Address: _______________ Cellphone No.: ______________

Paboritong ‘Erap Movie:’ ______________________________________

Bakit ka lumahok sa survey na ito?
[ ] Idol ko si Erap
[ ] Idol ko si Binay
[ ] Para sa bayan
[ ] Sayang ang P250

Panuto: Ikulong sa kulungan ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong napiling sagot. Ito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka ng sagot.
erap_survey
Tandaan: Nakasalalay sa iyong mga sagot kung may matatanggap kang regalo o wala. Kaya’t maging matalino at praktikal sa pagpili ng letra.

Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto para sagutan ang mga tanong. Simulan.

1: Si dating pangulong Joseph Estrada ay napatunayang guilty sa kasong plunder. Maging si Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay ay nakasuhan na rin ng plunder. Ngayon, mag-partner na sila. Ano ang masasabi mo sa isyung ito?
A: Pulitika ‘yan! Pinupulitika lamang sila!
B: Maawa naman kayo! Bakit n’yo ba sila inaapi?
C: Pinatutunayan lamang nito na mali ang kasabihang, “Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

2: Kumpletuhin ang bahaging ito ng inaugural speech ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada noong 1998: “Walang kai-kaibigan. Walang kumpa-kumpare. Walang kama-kamag-anak… Huwag n’yo ‘kong __________!”
A: Subukan
B: Tawanan
C: Patalsikin

3: Mula 1986 ay nasa pamamahala na ni Mayor Jejomar Binay (1986-1998; 2001-2010) at ng maybahay nitong si Dr. Elenita Binay (1998-2001) ang lungsod ng Makati. Kabuuang dalawampu’t tatlong taon na sila sa puwesto. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: 23 years?!? You mean, two decades and three years?!? Tama ba ang narinig ko? Or am I just dreaming? Sampalin mo ‘ko! Sampalin mo ‘ko!
B: Tama na! Sobra na! Palitan na!
C: Bakit?!? Naiinggit kayo? Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana walang pakialaman!

4: May mga nagsasabing hindi raw pinapayagan ng Saligang Batas na muling tumakbo pa sa pagka-pangulo si dating Pangulong Estrada. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: Pwes… magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Edsa 4!
B: ‘Wag na kasing makulit. Sinabi nang ‘di pwede eh.
C: Ano ‘yung Saligang Bigas? Relief goods ba ‘yun?

5: Ano ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveyLOGOMAKATI
A: Isa sa dalawang opisyal na simbolo ng Makati City na ang ibig sabihin ay “Paglingkuran ang Bayan”
B: Ultrasound ‘yan noong fetus pa lamang si Mayor Binay
C: ‘Wag n’yo kaming gawing tanga! “B” stands for Binay! Alangan namang ‘Belmonte’ ‘yan eh taga-QC ‘yung matandang ‘yun!?!

6: Kumpletuhin ang 1998 campaign slogan ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada: “Erap para sa ___________.”
A: Gambling lord at corrupt
B: Kabit na masarap
C: Mahirap

7: Sino ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveynestor
A. Ang magiting na bise-alkalde ng Makati City, si Kgg. Nestor Mercado
B: Masyadong madilim eh. Hindi ko makilala.
C: Siya lang naman ang patatakbuhin ni Mayor Binay next year para alkalde, ‘tapos after one term, si Councilor Jejomar Erwin Binay naman. Tuloy ang ligaya!

8: Sa kaibuturan ng iyong puso, sa palagay mo ba ay mananalong muli bilang pangulo si Joseph Estrada?
A: Sure na!
B: Kung hindi babawasan ni Kris Aquino ang kadaldalan, kaartehan, at kataklesahan niya mula ngayon hanggang eleksyon, may tsansa si Erap
C: “God Save the Philippines from Joseph Ejercito Estrada!”

9: Sa iyong palagay, mananalo ba bilang pangalawang pangulo si Jejomar Binay?
A: Sigurado ako, landslide ‘yan! Sa Makati!
B: Sana.
C: Ayoko nga! Eh kung 23 years siyang maging vice president? No way, highway!

10: Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata. Isipin mo ang ating mga kababayang naghihirap. Imadyinin mo ang mga Pilipinong walang makain dahil sinalanta sila ng bagyo. Pagkatapos, tingnan mo ang hinaharap. Imadyinin mo ang kinabukasan. Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong na ito: Kung hindi sina Erap at Binay, sino?
A: Oo nga. Wala nang iba!
B: Hmm, sina Kris Aquino at Boy Abunda? Now na!
C: Wait lang. Imumulat ko na ba ang mga mata ko bago ko ibigay ang sagot? Nakapikit pa kasi ako eh.

Bonus Question
Isa siya sa mga babaeng “malapit” kay Erap. Sino ang nasa larawan?
erap_surveylaarni
A: Guia Gomez, future mayor of San Juan
B. Joy Melendrez, basta, siya ‘yun!
C: Laarni Enriquez, favorite mistress

That’s all Polk! Hanggang dito na lamang. Wala nang kasunod.

Hintayin ang aming tawag kung kailan puwedeng i-claim ang apat na kilong bigas, tatlong latang sardinas, dalawang Good Morning towels, at isang “Erap-Binay for 2010” t-shirt. Magdala ng dalawang valid IDs at isang 1×1 picture, (whole body) kapag nag-claim.

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang Pilipinas!
_______________________________
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
President Arroyo is hot? Check this out. Funny.

Manila Standard’s Antonio Abaya on the Nobel Peace Prize

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on the recent ANC Face to Face Forum featuring Senators Manny Villar, Noynoy Aquino and Chiz Escudero, and Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro

Makati City Trivia:
THE names of Barangay Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, Pembo, South Cembo and West Rembo in Makati are acronyms. These stand for Central Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Cembo), Combat Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Comembo), Riverside Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Rembo) and Panthers’ Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Pembo). The barrios were established in the late 1940s and 1950s when soldiers from different parts of the Philippines arrived at Fort McKinley (now Fort Bonifacio) and were directed to occupy nearby areas. [PDI/6.02.09]





EXPOSED!

15 09 2009

Laxon_expose
Lacson vs. Estrada
In Part 1 of his three-part privilege speech titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” opposition senator Panfilo Lacson exposed Joseph Estrada’s extensive links to illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his term as president including the convicted plunderer’s possible involvement in the abduction and murder of PR practitioner Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. Sought for reaction, Estrada said, “Bakit ako matatakot sa 30 percent pa lamang na exposé? Mas nakakatakot ang kay Noynoy, 50 percent!”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson delivered an explosive speech linking former president Joseph Estrada to illegal gambling operations, big time smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his presidency including his possible involvement in the gruesome murder of PR man Bubby Dacer. Observers believe this could have been the year’s most shocking political story… had not Sen. Mar Roxas proposed to Korina live on Wowowee.

manyuch Filipino-Chinese tycoon Alfonso Yuchengco confirmed Senator Lacson’s exposé that he was coerced to selling his PLDT shares to Manny Pangilinan in 1998. Asked to comment on Yuchengco’s revelation, Pangilinan said, “Chika lang ‘yun! Promise!”

jingg After Senator Lacson’s privilege speech, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada took the floor to denounce what he called “a clear vilification drive against my father” and warned, “If this gentleman does not stop spreading lies about my father, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Lacson.” Inspired by Jinggoy’s reaction, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. rose from his seat, looked at a surprised Sen. Jamby Madrigal and threatened, “If this lady does not stop spreading lies about C5 road, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Madrigal.”

In Part 1 of his three-part exposé on former president Joseph Estrada titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” Sen. Panfilo Lacson detailed his former boss’ involvement in illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his short-lived presidency. After listening to Lacson’s speech, every single person in the Estrada household was reportedly stunned. In fact, former senator Loi Ejercito was so shocked… for the first time in several years, her face moved!

estrada_family
Top 5 Rejected Working Titles for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s Upcoming Privilege Speeches Against the Estrada Family

No. 5: “Ang Dalawa’t Kalahating Baba ni Jinggoy”

No. 4: “Ang Walong Kabit ni Erap”

No. 3: “Ang Nawawalang Leeg ni JV”

No. 2: “Ang Dalawang Katauhan ni Jude”

And the No. 1 rejected working title for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s upcoming privilege speech against the Estrada family…

“Through the Years: Ang Apat na Ilong ni Senator Loi Ejercito”

noys SWS Survey
Reports say Sen. Noynoy Aquino topped the latest Social Weather Stations survey conducted in major regions of Luzon earlier this month. Noynoy got 50 percent; the other 50 went to the Pink Sisters.

SWS Survey II
The latest SWS survey showed that the Noynoy Aquino-Mar Roxas tandem was the most preferred by voters in Luzon. The least preferred was the Mar Roxas-Korina Sanchez tandem.

GMA’s US Trip
President Arroyo has canceled her scheduled trip to New York. The president made the decision after getting information that not a single solon was willing to foot the bill at Le Cirque this time.

kabaya Noli’s Decision
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Vice President Noli De Castro has rejected the offer of Lakas-CMD-Kampi to join the party. Sought for comment, De Castro explained, “Bakit ka kakandidato pa, kung sa offer pa lang ni Villar ay panalo na!”
__________
“Revenge is a confession of pain”
~Latin Proverb

korina_rg Elsewhere: RG Cruz vs. Korina Sanchez
I received a letter three days ago but opted to verify its authenticity first before writing about it lest I be accused again of spreading black propaganda against a certain Korina Sanchez.

Just so you know, there’s an ongoing “war” between a certain Korina Sanchez and RG Cruz, a journalist from ABS-CBN.

Reports say a certain Korina Sanchez, through an open letter, has asked her superiors at ABS-CBN to probe RG for his not so flattering Facebook comments about the ex-future First Lady. [Pati ba naman Facebook status, patulan?!]

A portion of the ex-future First Lady’s letter to management menacingly reads:
“So to you, RG Cruz, I say, I hope that — as your Facebook entry narrated — as you were “eating chocolate” and indulging your gastronomical cravings while events at Club Filipino on the 2nd of September 2009 were unfolding and all you could think of and delight in, as written in your Facebook, are your cruel attacks, pettiness, inanities and insensitivities to the sacrifice of others and, horror of horrors, make these public — you will, henceforth, attempt to save yourself from the very real prospect of disappearing, leaving this world without a trace, no better and even worse than when you found it.”

Here’s the letter in full as posted in the blog of lawyer Marichu Lambino.

Da Who?
Very reliable sources say a lawmaker who has “links” to showbiz is hooked on prohibited drugs. Because of the addiction, he is frequently absent in sessions. A TV show is currently working on the story but I seriously doubt if the lawmaker would grant an interview… unless he’s prepared to lose in the 2010 polls. Hint: Check out your calendar.

Survey Says…
Who should be the standard bearer of the administration party?
Noli De Castro: 8%
Bayani Fernando: 22%
Ronaldo Puno: 1%
Gilbert Teodoro: 14%
I don’t care: 55%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





WE’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN

14 04 2009

erap_mug Erap’s Picks
Earlier this week, former president Joseph Estrada revealed the opposition’s 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. Next week, he will reveal the names of 108 more – for the remaining nine factions of the opposition.

Ex-president Joseph Estrada has bared the opposition’s list of 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. President Arroyo’s staunch ally – Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was included in the list, to which the feisty senator said, “Nakakaloka!”

ted Former president Joseph Estrada has announced the opposition’s 12 possible bets for the 2010 senatorial polls. The list includes broadcast personality Teodoro Etong a.k.a. Ted Failon – something that didn’t really come as a surprise since Failon is affiliated with the only genuine opposition group in the country today – “ABS-CBN Party.”

Erap has bared the names of the opposition’s 12 potential bets in the 2010 senatorial elections. Liberal Party’s Mar Roxas II has also revealed his party’s three possible senatorial candidates. Asked why he picked only three, he said, “Bakit? Kasya ba ang labindalawa sa pedicab!?”

And did you hear the latest? Born Again Christian leader and presidential aspirant Eddie Villanueva has likewise picked his 12 bets for 2010. He declined to name all but he nonetheless identified four: John, Matthew, Simon, and James.

bonglani1 Bong Revilla’s Plans
Bong Revilla has decided not to seek the vice presidency in 2010. Revilla said he was happy and satisfied being an actor, a TV host… and a part-time senator.

Bong Revilla said he would no longer run for vice president in 2010. Making that decision was by far, his biggest accomplishment yet as a senator.

Bong Revilla has also confirmed that his actress wife, Lani Mercado will run for a Congressional seat in Cavite next year. Caviteños are now wondrin’ if they’ve done something bad against the Revillas to deservr such a harsh punishment.

obamapup1 The First Canine
The White House has a new pet! America’s First Family, the Obamas just bought a six-month-old Portuguese water dog. That was big news in the US! But here? That’s nothing. Malacañang has its own lucky bitch since 2001.

The First Canine II
People at the White House got so excited when they heard about the arrival of the Obamas’ new pet dog. That’s the exact sentiment felt by Malacañang staff when Jinggoy first arrived at the palace in ’98.

The First Canine III
There’s a new pet dog at the White House! But that’s nothing compared to Malacañang’s three rabbits.

gma ChaCha Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 66 percent of Filipinos are opposed to a proposal to amend the Charter that would allow President Arroyo to extend her term. If it’s any consolation, a whopping 88 percent are in favor of seeing her inaugurate new road projects in Ifugao every week.

GMA’s Wish
Of course, you’re aware that President Arroyo celebrated her 62nd birthday last April 5. But guess what, she’s now accepting gifts and surprises for her 63rd birthday next year. Do you know what’s on top of her wish list? An “advance party.”

jdv De Venecia on Party Merger
Former House Speaker and Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. warned that the proposed merger of Lakas-CMD and Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino (Kampi) could lead to a disaster. Come to think of it, JDV has a point… because the last time Lakas and Kampi solons merged, his Speakership bid had disastrous results.

Senate of the Philippines vs. Villar
Remember the controversial C-5 road extension project in Paranaque City, which received double allocation in the 2008 national budget? The Senate ethics committee headed by Panfilo Lacson has found the case against former Senate President Manny Villar over this road project “sufficient in form and substance.” For the interest of those who do not understand those terms, when you say “sufficient in form and substance,” it means… brace yourself guys: the election season has officially begun!

Wanted: Priests
According to the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, the country is facing a serious shortage of priests. Hoping to entice young Filipino men to enter the priesthood, the CBCP says the Church is giving seminarians an opportunity to free education, an opportunity to serve the Lord, and an opportunity to become a governor someday.

Despite the serious shortage of Catholic priests, the CBCP has reportedly rejected the idea of accepting gay applicants in the seminary. Senior members of the clergy do not want younger competition.

The CBCP says it is discouraging gays from entering the priesthood. Asked why, a CBCP official said, “Heller! Gusto mong ma-imbyerna ang Papa?!”

chard In Entertainment…
Actor Richard Gutierrez filed a 25 million peso-libel case against entertainment website Philippine Entertainment Portal for the site’s inadvertent uploading of an unverified news report that Gutierrez got involved in a brawl with a fellow actor. Rumors say, if the actor wins the case, he’ll use the money to buy something special and essential for his mom – breeding.

BREAKING NEWS (April 17, 2009):
Lawyers of Annabelle Rama have issued a cease-and-desist order to prevent the Philippine Entertainment Portal from printing anything and everything on or about Richard Gutierrez because of the barrage of negative comments they generate against the Gutierrezes. Because of this development, the latest illustrated edition of Merriam-Webster will carry the photo of Annabelle Rama and family… beside the word “insecure.”

Kata-Quote!
‘‘I’m running for vice mayor but I don’t know yet under which party.’’
~ Actress and Councilor Aiko Melendez on her plan to seek the second highest political seat in Quezon City

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya wrote:
“… for the protest movement to gain the participation of the crucial middle class, trapos (like Erap) and Communists should be excluded from its leadership. I am glad that some people are finally realizing the validity of that limitation.” Read the complete article here.

_____________
“Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm.”
~Frank Dane





HEINOUS CRIMES

21 03 2009

jalosjos1
Jalosjos Is Free
Romeo Jalosjos has been released from jail. From ex-congressman to ex-convict.

Convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte representative Romeo Jalosjos has been released from prison. In another news dismissed as totally irrelevant and unrelated by Jalosjos, ABS-CBN has activated another Bantay Bata hotline.

Freed child rapist Romeo Jalosjos says he will not apologize to his victim. The former solon adds he is no longer interested to meet her again… because at 24, he finds the girl too old.

jalos1 Former congressman and convicted child rapist Romeo Jalosjos spent 13 years in prison. Upon his release, he immediately checked out his neighbor’s daughter who was only a year old when he was imprisoned.

Did you hear the latest update? Released child rapist Romeo Jalosjos is seeking a retrial of his rape case. This time though, he demands a full reenactment.

In 1997, the court ordered Romeo Jalosjos to pay his victim 400,000 pesos in moral damages. Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” received 50,000. See the difference between the two victims’ morality value?

The Department of Justice ordered the release of convicted child rapist and former congressman Romeo Jalosjos. Jalosjos’ release is part of the DOJ’s campaign to decongest the New Bilibid Prisons… in preparation for Panfilo Lacson and Joseph Estrada’s looming “arrival.”

dacer
The Dacer-Corbito Case
As we all know, former police Senior Supt. Cezar Mancao II, in a sworn affidavit, said that Panfilo Lacson had a hand in the murder of PR man Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. But Lacson insisted, “I have absolutely nothing to do with the Dacer-Corbito case.” And his former boss Joseph Estrada said, “I have no motive whatsoever.” O s’ya, s’ya, sige na. Suicide na kung suicide.

In several media interviews, former president Joseph Estrada denied he was the “Bigote” being referred to in the Mancao affidavit. And Jinggoy Estrada added, “Eh, ba’t nakatingin kayo sa akin?”

dumlao Remember former police Senior Supt. Glenn Dumlao? To fight his extradition, the penniless fugitive has posted a cash bond of 100 thousand dollars! When Loi Ejercito heard this, she told Erap, “Hay naku! Kanino ka na naman nangutang?”

Did you hear about the planned “senaculo” in San Juan? Both Erap and Lacson volunteered to play Pontius Pilate. They couldn’t wait to wash their hands.

lax Top 5 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson These Days But Couldn’t (Or the Top 5 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Panfilo Lacson Today … Or Else, You’re Dead)

5: You must be losing sleep these days. Do you feel any pressure right now?

4: Who among the members of the local media have agreed to join your Damage Control Department? (‘Coz it’s gonna be one heck of a job)

3: Do you think Filipinos are this stupid to believe that you are innocent of the twin murders?

2: In your illustrious and notorious career both as a police officer and a politician, have you killed an adversary for political gains, or ordered a subordinate to kill a perceived enemy? If not, how could you lie?

And the No. 1 question you’ve always wanted to ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson these days but couldn’t…

1: Have you seen Karma lately? We heard she’s been looking for you.

Bonus Question:
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Ramon Tulfo has repeatedly implied in his previous columns that you were gay. Why not?

Caught on Tape:
Designer Berating Lowly Employee?

Who is Boyet Fajardo? Is he the male version of the infamous lifestyle columnist slash OFW-basher Malu Fernandez? You be the judge. Watch this.

Survey Says
Was “Nicole” raped?
Results:
No: 42%
Who cares?: 40%
Yes:6%
Maybe: 6%
Others: 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_______________
“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
~J. Donald Walters

Have a great weekend!





REUNITED

18 01 2009

erapchav
Reconciliation
It’s true. Former buddies turned enemies Chavit Singson and Joseph Estrada did kiss and make up at the wake of Doña Mary Ejercito. It took a person’s death to reconcile the two of them. When President Arroyo heard this, she told the First Gentleman, I want to reconcile with my countrymen… can you make a sacrifice?

Aside from Chavit Singson, Erap’s former pal turned enemy retired Gen. Reynaldo Berroya also dropped by the wake. They, too buried the hatchet. Likewise, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim, who was expelled by Erap himself from his political party last year, paid his last respects to the dead. Even Malacañang, through Exec. Sec. Eduardo Ermita condoled with the Estrada family. Because of Doña Mary’s demise, everyone appeared to have reconciled last week… with the exception perhaps of JV and Jinggoy.

final-jake According to reports, Erap’s other woman Laarni Enriquez and their children went to Doña Mary’s wake. When people saw the gorgeous kids, they said, “Imposible! Anak ba ni Erap ‘yan? Bakit may leeg?”

laarni Rumors say when Loi Ejercito bumped into Laarni Enriquez at the wake, the former senator told her, “Ako, legal wife,” to which Laarni replied, “Ako, maganda. Period.”

guia Erap’s another woman, Guia Gomez was also there. The mother of San Juan City mayor JV Ejercito told the press, “I lost a very loving person, a loving mother but most of all a loving friend.” In short, “kunsintidora.”

Almost 200 wreaths were sent to the wake of Doña Mary. Erap even appealed to sympathizers to just donate to his mom’s favorite charity instead of sending flowers, to which a surprised Jude Estrada remarked, “Ganun? Sayang naman! Bongga pa naman ang arrangements.”

ques No to Bro
For yesterday’s episode of our entertainment program, I was assigned to write the story about the death of an old woman. I included in the script interviews with a grandson – the old woman’s fave son’s offspring by another woman, and a separate interview with the grandson’s mom (the other woman). When I arrived at the studio, I was told that the interviews with the other woman & her son were deleted from the final script because the old woman’s other grandson (a high ranking government official) wanted them “out of the picture.” And I thought the feud between the “brothers” was over. I was wrong.

ques Exploited?
A former vice presidential candidate is reportedly enraged at a tv host/newscaster and at a comedienne for “exploiting” her in their respective shows. “They made fun of me,” she said, “for ratings.”

Briefly Noted
I was surprised to see a “new broadsheet” when I arrived at the office this morning (Monday, Jan. 19). I also thought it was a supplement of either the Inquirer or the Star. But no, it’s actually Malaya – the daily that President Arroyo wouldn’t read is now a business paper. Check it out.

_________
“Reconciliation with our enemies is but a desire to better our condition, a weariness of war, the fear of some unlucky accident.”
~ François de la Rochefoucauld





BIG SPENDERS

16 01 2009


Geez, Geese!
A US Airways jetliner crashed into New York’s Hudson River after a collision with a flock of birds. Sought for a reaction, outgoing US President George W. Bush said he knew that Al Qaeda had been training geese as a weapon of mass destruction.

War on Drugs
Remember my previous post about President Arroyo appointing herself as the government’s anti-drug czar? She said the fight against illegal drugs would be waged from three fronts: law enforcement, judicial action and policymaking. Of course, her job against drug traffickers and drug dealers would be a lot easier… if she starts with the abolition of the DOJ.

Can you believe it? Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales had said that Major Ferdinand Marcelino’s (yeah, that honest witness) participation in the operations of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency was “unconstitutional.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new lawyer for the Alabang Boys!

3422ed67c2 Senate’s Biggest Spenders
According to the Commission on Audit, senators Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada, and Lito Lapid were among the Senate’s three biggest spenders for the year 2007. The actors spent nearly 47 million pesos that year! But you know what’s more surprising about the COA report? Revilla, Jinggoy, and Lapid were senators! Yeah they are. Amazing!

Now hear this. Detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than 8 million pesos in six months alone. If you double that amount to simulate a 12-month service, the Oakwood mutineer would be spending more than 16 million pesos making him the biggest spending legislator in the Senate ever. And he’s not even an actor!

The Commission on Audit reported that Sen. Manny Villar is one of thriftiest senators in 2007. Senators Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal refused to believe the ranking and instructed COA auditors to verify its report just to make sure there was no double entry under the name “Manuel Villar.”

Senator Joker Arroyo is the most frugal member of the Senate. He is also proud of his perfect attendance as a lawmaker for 17 straight years… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said,”Wala ‘yan! Bakit? Kaya ba niya ang five straight years na laging tulog sa session?”

leviste Leviste Guilty
Former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison for shooting dead his long-time aide. When his ex-wife Loren Legarda heard the news, she said, “Tama ang manghuhula! This is my year!”

After his sentencing, former Batangas governor Tony Leviste told the media, “I am innocent.” That was the exact same line uttered by Loren Legarda when her marriage to Leviste collapsed.

For killing his long-time aide Rafael De Las Alas in January 2007, former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste – father of famous athlete Toni Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. Excited inmates at the Makati City Jail couldn’t wait to play “equestrian” with him.

3422ed67c1 De La Paz’ Golf Shares
Businessman Delfin de la Paz is selling his shares at the Valley Golf and Country Club following his expulsion. Prospective buyers must have knowledge of karate, aikido, or any form of self-defense.

Survey Says…
Here’s the result of our survey: Who’s the most annoying?
Mikey Arroyo – 40%
Jinggoy Estrada – 28%
Kris Aquino – 28%
Others – 4%

Funny. One respondent even answered: Niñez Cacho-Olivarez of the Daily Tribune. Another, Willie Revillame.

We have a new survey. Vote now!

Personal
Thanks to everyone who sent their greetings. One of my birthday wishes has also been granted: Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Have a great weekend!

_____________
“You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.”
~ Abraham Lincoln





BULLIES

28 12 2008

Pangandamans in Mauling Incident
Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr’s son, Nasser Pangandaman Jr., mayor of Masiu, Lanao del Sur, and his five armed bodyguards reportedly beat up a 14-year-old boy and his 56-year-old father at a golf course in Antipolo on Friday. Worse, the secretary who was with the group just watched as his son & the bodyguards mauled the poor boy and his dad. The unfortunate incident has prompted the government to expand its ceasefire agreement during the holidays to include powerful Muslim politicians exhibiting rebel-like behavior.

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr’s son, Nasser Pangandaman Jr. – mayor of Masiu, Lanao del Sur, and his five armed bodyguards reportedly mauled a 14-year-old boy and his 56-year-old father at a golf course in Antipolo on Friday. Rumors say Secretary Pangandaman is taking a leave from his post as chief of agrarian reform until such time he has reformed his own son.

Nasser Pangandaman Jr. – mayor of Masiu, Lanao del Sur, reportedly mauled a 14-year-old boy and his 56-year-old father at a golf course in Antipolo on Friday, December 26… to which some 75 kids in Lanao Del Sur who heard the news said, “Bakit nang magpunta kami sa bahay ni Ninong, sabi no’ng maid out of the country daw?”

Pacquiao Recognized
International sports magazine Sports Illustrated, British newspaper The Sun and the World Boxing Council as well two boxing websites – http://www.8CountNews.com and http://www.sportinglife.com all named Manny Pacquiao as boxer of the year. In close second was Nasser Pangandaman Jr.

2008 MMFF kaibigan2_thumb1
Reports on the ongoing Metro Manila Film Festival say that the movie “Magkaibigan” is trailing seven other entries in terms of box office revenues. Even the animated film “Dayo” is earning more… which means Filipinos prefer watching cartoons over Jinggoy.

Forecast: Filipino of the Year
The Philippine Daily Inquirer usually announces its Filipino of the Year in the second week of January. My fearless forecast? Manny Pacquiao. He’s made the biggest positive impact on Filipinos for 2008. Besides he’s been reaping awards from various sports organizations and other sports websites, who are we to deprive him of a well-deserved recognition. With all the odds stacked against him, he stuck to his gameplan to embarrass future hall of famer, Oscar “The Swollen Boy” De La Hoya. So shame on you Al. S Mendoza! (Ay, parang may poot!)

And cheers to you Manny, and here’s hoping you’ll stay away from politics in 2010.

__________
If you let a bully come in your front yard, he’ll be on your porch the next day and the day after that he’ll rape your wife in your own bed.
~Lyndon B. Johnson





NA COUP HA SA TIYAGA

18 11 2008

The Coup
Sen. Manuel Villar has been ousted as Senate president and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was installed as his replacement. Sen. Gringo Honasan swore in Enrile to his new position. After 22 years, the duo has finally staged their first ever successful coup.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, the 84-year-old lawmaker talked about the Senate’s advocacies, ambitious projects, and a bright future as an independent institution – words that were truly inspiring to hear… especially from someone who may no longer be there when “future” happens.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer identified the members of the core group that strenuously worked for Villar’s ouster: Loren Legarda, Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas, and Jamby Madrigal. However, even if you combined their best efforts, much of the credit should still go to Korina Sanchez.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, he thanked everyone who helped him (snatch the third highest post in the land) especially Loren Legarda, Mar Roxas, Panfilo Lacson, Jamby Madrigal, and CP Garcia Avenue.

Another Inquirer report quoted an administration senator as saying Sen. Edgardo Angara plotted against Villar to advance the vice presidential bid of Loren Legarda who could become Joseph Estrada’s running mate if he decided to run. And we all thought the “affair” was over.

Administration senators who voted to oust Villar included Honasan, Richard Gordon, Edgardo Angara, Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., and Juan Miguel Zubiri. Lito Lapid who couldn’t understand what was happening also voted “Yes” to Villar’s ouster but only because he had a hard time spelling “Abstain.”

Sen. Manuel Villar said he was saddened and surprised by Jinggoy Estrada’s vote. He was even more surprised when the Senate allowed Lito Lapid to vote.

In a statement released following his ouster, Sen. Manuel Villar said he would now concentrate on being a fiscalizer, to which a curious Lito Lapid said, “So, may negosyo rin siyang abono?”

Tuesday’s headline of The Manila Standard Today reads: “Enrile two heartbeats away from the presidency.” When Noli De Castro saw this he said, “So kung ako, one heartbeat, kawawa naman si Pangulong Arroyo, zero heartbeat.”

In Other News…
Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said President Arroyo on Tuesday got a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama reportedly assured Arroyo that good relations and cooperation between the US and the Philippines would continue… in her dreams.

US President-elect Barack Obama phoned President Arroyo on Tuesday at around 3:17 in the morning. Yup, that was a pre-dawn call. Apparently, Obama was hoping nobody would answer.

Malacañang said President Arroyo received a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama praised Arroyo for being honest, hardworking, incorruptible, principled, morally upright, and ethical. And then she woke up.

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest survey on presidential aspirants conducted by Pulse Asia. De Castro got 18 percent, followed by Manuel Villar and Joseph Estrada, 17 percent; Francis Escudero, 15 percent; Loren Legarda, 13 percent and Panfilo Lacson, 7 percent. With Mar Roxas placing a distant seventh, other presidentiables are hoping to avoid a clash with DZMM’s Korina Sanchez.
_________
We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against betrayal.
~Tennessee Williams





REALITY SHOWS

16 11 2008

De La Paz: Mea Culpa
Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz appeared before the Senate Saturday and took full responsibility for the infamous Moscow incident. De La Paz says “it is a lapse on my part.” From requesting and approving 10 million pesos, to carrying the huge amount to Russia, to not declaring the said amount, to issuing conflicting statements as to the money’s real purpose – everything was his fault. In fact, De La Paz was too willing to take all the blame, he almost owned up to the fertilizer fund scam.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said De La Paz’s refusal to tell the truth and reveal the role of his superiors in the fund mess was a blow to the country’s efforts to get rid of corruption. And an even bigger blow to her planned revenge on Ronaldo Puno.

Obama’s Mother-in-Law
Reports say US President-elect Barack Obama is moving into the White House with his family including his mother-in-law. Yup, his mother-in-law. No Philippine president has ever done that… although Joseph Estrada did plan to bring one to Malacañang. He just couldn’t decide which one.

BF’s Posters
Reports say militants vandalized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s posters in Quezon City. They put a G between BAYA and NI… incurring the ire of actress Susan Roces.

Inspired by BF’s Win
After Bayani Fernando’s half-expected win on “Celebrity Duets,” more and more politicians are rumored to be joining (some were invited) reality competitions:
Jinggoy Estrada on “Scare Tactics”
Lito Lapid on “Average Joe”
Jamby Madrigal will try to pull off a Paris Hilton in the local version of “The Simple Life.”
– Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz is reviewing for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
President Arroyo, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, Loren Legarda, Jamby Madrigal, and the wife of Eliseo De La Paz will be featured on “Girls Behaving Badly.”
Tessie Aquino-Oreta is training hard now for “Dancing With the Stars.”
Noynoy Aquino might do “The Bachelor.”
John Osmeña might do “The Bachelorette.”
Jose De Venecia was actually invited to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
And finally, Ping Lacson has reportedly bought a new gun in preparation for his stint on “Kakasa Ka ba sa Grade 5?”

Have a great week ahead!

_________
Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe





SCANDALICIOUS

15 11 2008

Postscript to the Senate Probe
Senators found it particularly unbelievable and incredible that Jocjoc Bolante alone (as he claimed) could have caused the release of P728 million. The Senate has ordered a thorough review of Bolante’s appointment papers. They wanted to make sure he was appointed “undersecretary” and not “president.”

Journalists observed how cool Jocjoc Bolante was when he appeared before the Senate. Still, he was no match for Jinggoy Estrada who was in his usual “saksakan ng hangin” element during the hearing.

Guess who came at the Bolante hearing? Jun Lozada. Yup, the favorite witness of the La Salle community was even caught by tv cameras smiling. You know why? Because three more months with the La Salle Brothers, and he’ll be allowed to officiate his first mass.

Top 5 Reasons Why It Took Some Time Before Retired PNP Director for Comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz Could Surrender to the Senate

5: His wife has just finished hiding vital pieces of evidence: the Louis Vuittons, Pradas, Dolce & Gabbanas, and Manolo Blahniks she purchased during the Moscow shopping spree.

4: He waited for another scandal to break open so the public would forget about the “Euro generals.” Unfortunately though, the only controversy that broke out after the “Moscow mess” was the dismissal of Cristy Fermin from “The Buzz.”

3: It took weeks before his superiors at the PNP & the DILG could decide whether to use the term “cash advance,” “contingency fund” or “intelligence fund” during the next hearing. Finally, they settled for… “bahala ka na.”

2. For weeks, he “wished” he had chest pains, esophagitis, gastritis, ulcers, and even a sleeping disorder but doctors at the St. Luke’s Medical Center repeatedly said, “No sir, you’re totally healthy. We cannot admit you.”

And the No. 1 reason why it took some time before retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz could surrender to the Senate…

1: He had to wait for the Senate hearing on Jocjoc Bolante to conclude. And after watching the proceedings, he realized, “If Jocjoc survived Jinggoy, I will survive Miriam.”

________
And nobody lies as much as the indignant do.
–Friedrich Nietzsche





DA BOY IS DEAD

9 06 2008

null Rudy Fernandez, 56

Actor Rudy Fernandez who died last Saturday, June 7 will be laid to rest on June 12, Independence Day. Everyone is expected to attend the interment of the beloved action star. His family will be there, his fellow actors will surely come, and ordinary stunt men will be present too. Expected to arrive last are the cops.

null Rudy Fernandez is dead at 56. Among the four bosom buddies: Rudy, Philip Salvador, Jinggoy Estrada, Bong Revilla, Daboy is said to be the nicest. I won’t be surprised if Jinggoy dies last.

null A couple of friends say Rudy’s well-educated and well-mannered sons, Ralph (Ateneo) and Renz (UP) looked drugged (naka-droga) during the first night of the wake because they barely slept. Or maybe, it wasn’t Ralph or Renz they saw – baka si Mark.

Sen. Bong Revilla said he wished someone shouted cut (just like in a movie shoot) when he felt Rudy was already dying. That’s the exact same thing we had in mind when you were being proclaimed as a senator.

null Interviewed on The Buzz, former president Joseph Estrada said, “Kung hindi ako pinatalsik sa puwesto, mananalong mayor ng Quezon City si Rudy.” Nananahimik na ‘yong tao, dinadamay pa sa bitterness.

Reactions to Rudy’s Death

Boots Anson-Roa:“He’s a great loss.”

Gina Alajar: “He’s a big loss.”

Judy Ann Santos: “He’s a systems loss.”

In Other News… null

Officials of the Manila Electric Company announced that Meralco customers will get only partial refund of their meter deposits. Meralco’s top priority right now is the full payment of Judy Ann Santos’ huge talent fee.

People are asking why an actress like Judy Ann Santos who absolutely knew nothing about power generation and its costs would appear in a misleading commercial. These people obviously didn’t get it. That’s precisely the reason why Juday was convinced to appear in the commercials – she knows nothing!

Judy Ann Santos continues to appear in Meralco’s infomercials – further fueling speculations that Ted and Korina are not doing their jobs effectively.

Judy Ann Santos continues to appear in Meralco’s infomercials. That’s the best way to complement the efforts of DZMM’s primetime programs.

Mark Lapid’s New Post

Defeated Pampanga gubernatorial candidate Mark Lapid has been appointed as acting general manager of the Philippine Tourism Authority. Don’t expect too much though ‘coz he’s just “acting.”

Enjoy the rest of the week!





STUCK ON YOU (Tube) II

20 04 2008

Erap’s Birthday Bash null

Former president Joseph Estrada’s very private birthday celebration last Saturday was attended only by his closest friends and family members. The party, organized by Jackie and Jude, went smoothly sans any unpleasant incident – mainly because JV Ejercito was not present to exchange dagger-filled looks with Jinggoy.

Spotted at Erap’s party were presidential contenders Senators Manny Villar, Loren Legarda, and Mar Roxas. Sen. Panfilo Lacson was conspicuously absent although his no-show was expected of someone who has near zero chance of getting the endorsement of the former president.

All news organizations were barred from covering the birthday party of former president Joseph Estrada last Saturday. But according to Philippine Daily Inquirer reporter Nancy C. Carvajal, “the Inquirer newspaper was allowed inside the party by one of Estrada’s allies.” Let’s just hope that the Inquirer won’t be forced to issue another erratum after the publication of Carvajal’s story.

null Postscript to a “YouTubed’ Rectal Surgery

Officials of the VSMMC in Cebu said administrative charges will be slapped against three doctors and a nurse for allowing the videotaping of the rectal surgery on a gay man last January 3. In other words, VSMMC officials found the videotaping wrong but the “partying” (cheering and laughing) during the procedure was okay.

After conducting an investigation, officials of the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) in Cebu will file administrative charges against three doctors and a nurse for allowing the videotaping of the rectal surgery on a gay man last January 3. People are asking why only four people are being charged when almost a dozen others joined the “party frenzy.” Hospital officials explained, “The others were gatecrashers.”

null According to VSMMC’s website, one of the hospital’s specific objectives was to reduce the “patient’s length of stay from 5.79 to 5.5 days.” Now that the whole world knows how your doctors and nurses behave, consider that objective achieved.

“Danilo,” the gay man in the rectal surgery video said he only learned of the video clip on YouTube last April 11 after a barangay captain informed him about it. It was not immediately known how and why the barangay captain recognized the patient’s rectum.

The gay man in the rectal surgery video said he only learned that the video clip was already on YouTube after a barangay captain informed him about it last April 11. It was not immediately known why the barangay captain was watching “such stuff” on YouTube.

The gay man in the controversial rectal surgery video said he only learned that the video clip was on YouTube when a barangay captain informed him about it last April 11. In a related report immediately dismissed as irrelevant by the barangay captain… his wife has decided to cut his Internet connection.

Reporters from various news organizations couldn’t agree on the “stuff” removed from Danilo’s rectum. Some say it was a canister of perfume. Others believe it was a bottle of body spray while some claim it was deodorant or lotion. Reporters seem to agree on one thing though: it was big! No, not the object. The rectum.

Garbage Problem

Pedro Cuerpo, the Rodriguez, Rizal mayor who was suspended for illegally collecting fees from garbage haulers, threatened anew to ban Metro Manila garbage trucks from the town’s landfills… which is understandable because if you have someone like Cuerpo in your town, who needs garbage?

I Am Not Ellen Tordesillas

This is funny. I received a message (posted in my blog’s comment section) from a certain Gang (writer/performer Lourd Ernest De Veyra’s co-host on NU107’s Sunday talkshow). She was inviting me to guest on their program. But the message opened with the line: “Hello Ellen”

A baffled me emailed her back, and in jest, I said, “I’m not Ellen. I’m Oprah.” It turned out that somebody misinformed Gang that “The Professional Heckler” was Malaya columnist Ellen Tordesillas. I don’t have a beef with (the anti-Arroyo) Ms. Tordesillas but nope, hindi po ako ‘yon. Iginagalang po si Ms Tordesillas samantalang ako ay binabasa lang.

Have a great week ahead!

Personal

Greetings to Von Falcon and the staff of the Livestock Division of the Department of Agriculture in Caraga Region. Thanks for visiting this blog guys. Para mas masaya, visit kayo ng Manila!








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