RUMORS, FACTOIDS, AND HUMOR

20 09 2013

Totally Baseless Information On or About Political Figures, People in Government, and Other Personalities In the News


1: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stopped eating pork and beef when he turned 80 years old. He’s now 89 and eats only fish. His all-time favorite is “GG.”

2: In her high school yearbook, Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was described as “Most Likely to Get Away With A Crime Due to Connections.”

3: Jinggoy Estrada is into zumba. He also attends a yoga class thrice a week.

4: When the pork barrel scam story first came out, at least nine senators opened new bank accounts in the Caribbean. One Cabinet member closed a Metrobank account.

5: Janet Lim-Napoles had a cameo in Bong Revilla’s 2002 MMFF entry “Agimat.” She played the role of a witch who terrorized a community. In the closing credits though, “Janet Napoles – As herself” appeared.

6: In her past life, lawyer Lorna Kapunan was a geisha.

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7: Incumbent Masbate governor and former representative Rizalina Seachon-Lanete (who was charged with plunder) loves the color orange. In a radio interview, she admitted that all her clothes, including her panties, brassieres, and corsets were orange. One of her daughters is named Carrota.

8: Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff, Gigi Reyes who is also facing plunder charges has left the country. She communicates with Enrile through Skype or Facetime before going to bed every night.

9: When Jeane Napoles celebrated her 18th birthday, the traditional 18 candles were replaced by 18 Rolex watches while the 18 roses became 18 Louis Vuitton bags.

10: Bong Revilla has lost 12 lbs. since the PDAF scandal broke out. He has also started taking anti-depressants.

11: After drawing flak for her controversial statement on pork barrel, Lani Mercado was ordered gagged by the Revilla clan.

12: Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles is a dominatrix.

13: A corrupt senator’s corrupt chief of staff receives a monthly salary of P50,000 only. But every quarter, s/he gets an additional P5-million per approved transaction with a bogus NGO.

14: In grade school, Benhur Luy was once named Mr. Talent in the Mr. and Ms. Nutrition contest. His talent was forging signatures.


15: When his name was mentioned by talent manager Lolit Solis on radio, Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa unfriended Janet and Jimmy Napoles on Facebook. He has since deactivated the account.

16: Janet Lim-Napoles’ code name for Jojo Ochoa was ‘Tagay.’ Ochoa’s code name for Napoles was ‘ILONGga.’

17: JLN Corp’s office is at Unit 2502 in Discovery Suites. Asked why she chose 2502, Janet Napoles’ once boasted, “250 senators and congressmen mula sa two Houses of Congress ang hawak ko sa bayag.”

18: When Joseph Estrada was first told about Jinggoy Estrada’s alleged involvement in another fund scandal, he allegedly quipped, “May bago ba do’n?”

18.1: Everytime Jinggoy Estrada tells a lie, he gains a pound.

19: A recent survey revealed 6 in 10 lawmakers have met and partied with Janet Lim-Napoles. The rest are liars who are going to rot in hell anyway.

20: Former senator and now, Manila Standard Today columnist Kit Tatad will drop another bombshell: President Aquino was having dinner with Nur Misuari in Basilan when Zamboanga City was attacked by MNLF rebels.

21: Nur Misuari’s full name is Nuraanur Villamayor Misuari. His mother, Marie Lyn (who married a Muslim scholar she met in UP) was originally from Bicol.

22: On a scale of Frank Drilon to Loren Legarda, the average sexiness of senators is Nancy Binay. On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Tito Sotto.

23: Manny Pacquiao recites Biblical passages whenever he makes love to Jinkee.

24: A private, non-commissioned study showed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas had the longest television exposure among government officials this year on a per minute basis. As of Sept. 16, his total TV exposure was 234 minutes while President Aquino was exposed for about 198 minutes. Rounding out the top 5 were Vice President Jejomar Binay, DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima, and Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

25: Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay were high school sweethearts.

26: In Traveler’s Digest’s list of the 10 “Cities with the World’s Best Looking Men,” Quezon City placed seventh. Not to be outdone, another magazine named Makati City as one of the 10 “Cities in the World With the Longest-Serving Political Families in the City Hall.”

27: LTO Chief Virginia Torres is a Martin Scorsese die-hard. Her favorite Scorsese film is ‘Casino.’

28: The Ateneo De Manila Athletic Council has released an open letter to the Ateneo community enjoining them to cheer for FEU as the Tamaraws battle La Salle in the UAAP Final 4.

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29: After enjoying her first MRT ride, Kris Aquino announces her three next adventures: riding a jeepney in Pasay, swimming in Lagusnilad or España on a stormy day, and taking a ferry ride to Cebu via Sulpicio Lines.

30: When he’s being playful, Sen. Koko Pimentel calls Senators Chiz Escudero and Sonny Angara “beh.”
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“The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to steal.”
~ Jimmy Breslin

Sound Bites
“In October, we will come up with the results of the audit on the Malampaya Fund. Let this serve as a heads-up. The results will be explosive.”
~COA Chief Grace Pulido-Tan

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PICTURE! PICTURE!

12 09 2013

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HELLOOOOOOW! Hiii! You’re there na pala. Grabeh! Lilinawin ko lang muna para iwas-intriga huh. I’m not supposed to be here naman talaga today kaya lang I really wanna make kwento. As in… now na! Yeahhh. Now na! I’m sure you’ve heard naman sa news what happened the other night, right? Nakakaloka! And since pinalaki na rin lang siya ng media, might as well share my experience. Why not ‘di ba? First time! Aha-ha-ha!

Ganito kasi ‘yon.

Matagal nang naka-sked ‘yong event last Tuesday, Sept. 10. So that morning, beauty rest lang talaga ako. As in REST! Care bears sa mga calls and text! Two hours ko talagang ‘di hinawakan ang cell phones ko. Sa mga dinedma ko that day, alam n’yo na! Aha-ha-ha

Before lunch, nagpa-massage pa kami ni Boy to prepare for the event. Medyo sore ‘yong left shoulder ko sa go ang mga lola sa favorite masahista namin. Around 4:30, sabi ko, “Parang dumidilim yata.” So I asked Beembs, “Baby, check mo nga ang sky please.” Sumilip si bagets sa window. Sabi niya, “Mama, the clouds are very dark. It’s like the eyes of that old lawyer I see on TV.” Naloka ako nang bonggang-bongga! I’m sure, alam n’yo na kung sinong lawyer ang tinutukoy n’ya! Isa lang naman ang lawyer na galit sa eye shadow ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha

Anyway, sabi ko, “Lord, later ka na magpa-rain after ng event pls! Ayokong maipit sa traffic ‘noh!” Bigla na lang nag-lightning with matching thunder! Mas lalo akong naloka! Sabi ko, “Lord naman! I’m just kidding, ok? Kung maka-react ka naman. Scary!” Aha-ha-ha

1K
Fast forward to 6 o’clock. Heto na… I was dressing up nang bumuhos ang napakalakas na ulan. Grabe! Naisip ko talaga, “Sorry Krissy, this is not your night.” So I phoned the organizers of the event and told them that I was leaving in 20 minutes or less pero hindi ko kalkulado ang roads.

Paglabas namin ng building, hindi pa kami nakakalayo, sunud-sunod na ang report about flooding sa Metro Manila. So mas dumami ang kaba ko. Mga 1,167 siguro. Aha-ha-ha Pagliko namin sa (I won’t mention na lang the flooded street, baka sabihin pinupulitika ko ang mayor), gosh, ang haaaaaaba ng pila ng cars! Nag-panic na ang lola n’yo. Sabi ko, “Manong, I’m going to be suuuuper late, promise! Take me to the sakayan ng MRT. Now na!” Sumagot si Manong, “Sakayan ng tao po ma’am. Hindi po sumasakay ang MRT.” Ay! Pahiya si Krissy. Oo nga naman. Sorry! Tao lang.

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Pagdating ko sa MRT around 8 o’clock… shocked ang necklace ko! Ohhhhhh my gosssssssh! There was like a million people there! I swear! Parang funeral ni Daddy. Ask nga ng PA ko, “Ma’am, sure ka bang sasakay tayo?!?” Tinitigan ko siya sabay arko ng left eyebrow ko, and said, “Sasakay? Ikaw ba? Gagapang?! Andito na tayo eh siyempre we’ll take a train ride!” Tameme si girl.

So ‘yon na nga. Buy ng ticket si PA tapos we had to fall in line pa. Luckily, there were like three or four women na pinauna kami sa pila. Initially, I refused. You know naman… may CCTV! Baka sabihin ng mga bitter d’yan, may special treatment na naman. Hay naku! Enough of kanegahan na kasi. Dapat… love love love na lang!

Pero itong isa, mapilit talaga. Mauna na raw ako dahil baka raw ma-late ako sa aking pupuntahan. Concerned????!!? Aha-ha-ha Sabi pa ni Ate, “Krissy, ibinoto namin ang Kuya mo. Sana magtagumpay ang tuwid na daan.” Bongga! Winner talaga siya! I was so tempted to reply, “Bigyan ng jacket!” Aha ha ha

1K
Ten minutes later, arrive na ang train. Pagtingin ko sa kabilang door, my gosh. Naloka ako! Parang prusisyon ng Black Nazarene! There was pushing and shoving and pushing and grabbing and grabehhh, may nagmumurahan pa! I almost passed out talaga! Ganito pala ang public transport! It’s like, you know, delubyo! As in OA much!

Naisip ko, if I were a commuter like those guys na everyday ay nagti-train tapos rush hour pa… my gawwwwd, I’m gonna die. Promiiiiise! Kawawa ang mga anak kooo! Beembs, Dyosh… I love youuuuu!!!

Wait, itutuloy ko na ang kwento ko. So ‘yon nga. When the doors opened, there was tulakan na. And medyo smelly huh. Naku, aminin n’yo! Sa mga MRT at LRT riders, umamin kayo – medyo may smell sa loob ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha And they were so maingay huh. Kinabog nila ang kadaldalan ko! Aha ha ha! Fortunately, nobody made siksik when I started walking papasok ng train. In fairness, nice silang lahat sa akin. Ako na! Aha-ha-ha

Ba’t ba ako tawa nang tawa? Aha-ha-ha

Dahil nga siksikan, we had no choice kundi tumayo. Pero keri lang! Care bears na sa sakit ng legs at sa smell! Ang importante makarating ako sa event on time!

Heto pa! Habang tumatakbo ang train, naloka na naman ako sa aking PA. Deadma talaga siya sa mga naka-stare na strangers. Sabi niya, “Ma’am Krissy, smile! Isi-selfie kita!” Winner ‘di ba? Siya ang kukuha ng picture ko pero selfie raw. Hindi ko s’ya kinaya!

Anyway, she used my phone pala in taking those MRT photos so agad-agad, inupload ko sa Instagram! Naloka nang mas bonggang-bongga ang mga followers ko. They were like, “Si Krissy, nag-MRT?!!? The end is near! Repent! Repent!” Ang mean huh! Moments later, hayan na ang TV networks. Sunud-sunod na ang tweet sa akin asking if they could use the pics! Hellllllow! As if naman makakatanggi ako ‘noh!

But I couldn’t blame them. Baka nga kasi ‘di na maulit in this lifetime ang pagsakay ko sa train so keri lang ulit. Go!!! Use lang nang use! Ang ganda ko naman d’yan ‘di ba? At ang pearls!!!! Aminiiiiin! Umeksena! Aha-ha-ha

1K
Nagulat nga lang ako sa news the next day. Akala ko pa naman, headline akong mag-isa! Pati pala si Manny, nag-MRT din! Tse! But sorry!!! Mas nag-trend sa social media ang train ride ko! Aha-ha-ha

I was kinda expecting na pag-usapan pa hanggang Sunday ang pictures ko sa MRT. Eh biglang appear naman ‘tong photo ni Kuya Noy with Jeane Napoles. Kainis huh! Nang-agaw pa ng moment!

1K
Ayokong maging defensive about it but alam naman siguro ng public kung paninira lang ang picture o hindi ‘noh! I’ll just let Kuya Noy explain his side. Yes, Kuya Noy, ikaw na lang ang magsalita; ‘wag na si Lacierda. He’s medyo nega kasi eh. But ito lang ang masasabi ko, I know for a fact na hindi kilala ni Kuya Noy ang mga Napoles. Sure na! Ewan ko lang sina Pareng Bong at Pareng Jinggoy. Aha-ha-ha ‘Tsaka ang daming nagpapa-picture sa Presidente ‘noh! Hay naku! Nang-iintriga lang d’yan ang mga taong guilty! I swear! Damay-damay din ‘pag may time!

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Besides, look at the photo! I know my brother. Kapag ‘di siya kumportable, pilit na pilit ang smile n’yan! Plastic din ‘yan kung minsan ‘noh! Aha-ha-ha! Me and my big mouth again. Sorry Ate Pinky and Ate Ballsy!

Now, compare that photo with the Bong-Jinggoy-Napoles pic. All smiles ang mga lolo n’yo huh! Parang magkukumpare lang ang peg! Aha ha ha So pleeeease. Spare Kuya Noy! My brother is not a pig! Aha-ha-ha

Back to my MRT experience. Hayyy… ‘kapagod pala talaga ‘noh? Pero it was fun fun fun! Sa mga passengers who made paraya sa pila, i love you naaaaa! Despite the siksikan, the murahan, the balyahan, the smell and all, I had so much fun talaga! Swear! It was an eye-opener of sorts too. In fact, gusto ko ngang ulitin bukas eh. Joooooke! Ang painful pa ng balakang ko ‘noh! I need rest muna. Pero willing talaga akong ulitin… promise! Siguro… after 12 years! Aha-ha-ha!”
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“A developed country is not a place where the poor have cars, it’s where the rich use public transportation.”
~Enrique Peñalosa, former mayor of Bogota, Colombia

Sound Bites
“I understand the photo was taken at an event last November in Cebu. She had her photo taken with the President, as did a dozen other people who lined up to have their photo taken with him.”
~Deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte on President Aquino’s photo with Jeane Napoles

Have a safe weekend!

1KTo the UP Pep Squad, good luck on Sunday!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino's Instagram Account, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





HELLO… PORKY?

25 08 2013


THESE ARE the transcripts of several phone conversations that were recorded in the past 10 days. The calls were apparently intercepted by a concerned anonymous group who also shared some copies online. Unfortunately, the people talking were not identified. Hulaan n’yo na lang.

TAPE 1
[Phone ringing]
Woman 1: Hello… ?
Woman 2: Hello… bebe gerr?
Woman 1: Mommmmmm! Where are you ba? I’m so worried. I couldn’t sleep.
Woman 2: Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo bebe gerr. Kung ‘di ka makatulog d’yan sa LA, paano na lang ako?!
[Call abruptly cut]

[Phone ringing]
Woman 1: Hello mom?
Woman 2: Naputol ka bebe gerr. By the ways, narinig mo na ba ang balita bebe gerr? Wala na raw pork barrel starting 2015. Patay tayo.
Woman 1: I know right!
Woman 2: So bebe gerr, hinay-hinay sa gastos ok? Tipid tipid din ‘pag may time.
Woman 1: Where’d you learn that “‘pag may time” phrase mom? You’re so baduy!
Woman 2: Basta bebe gerr. Stop muna sa pagbili ng Tsanel at Bivilgari.
Woman 1: Bulgari mom.
Woman 2: Bivilgari! Sumusunod lang ako sa spelling bebe gerr. Calls ako ulit later ‘pag may time. Take care bebe gerrr. Lab u!

TAPE 2
[Phone ringing]
Woman: Hello… ?
Man: Hello! Janeth…
Woman: Naku! Hindi ho si Janeth ‘to. Sino ba kayo?
Man: Kilala ko ang boses mo Janeth. Sus!
Woman: Hindi nga si Janeth ‘to. Sino ho ba kayo? Baka wrong number kayo!
Man: Si Senator X ‘to!
Woman: Senatoooooooor! ‘Sensya na po. Nag-iingat lang.
Man: Alam ko. O, ‘musta na kayo ni pare?
Woman: Ok pa naman Senator. Kayo ho?
Man: Ayos lang. Tawag lang kayo ‘pag may kailangan huh.
Woman: Salamat Senator. Safe pa naman kami rito. Nagpadala naman ho ng tao si Senator Y.
Man: Good! Basta walang laglagan huh. Alam mo na!
Woman: Oo naman Senator. Ako pa!

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TAPE 3
[Phone ringing]
Woman: Hi Daddy!
Man: Ano ka ba naman Mommy?!? Ang tigas ng ulo mo! ‘Di ba sabi ko ‘wag ka na lang sasagot kapag tinatanong tungkol sa pork barrel!?
Woman: Eh Daddy, makulit ang media eh. ‘Tsaka nag-joke lang naman ako sa sagot kong ‘yon.
Man: ‘Yon na nga eh! Nagawa mo pang mag-joke. ‘Tang-ina naman Mommy. Lubog na lubog na ako. Sirang-sira na ako tapos dadagdag ka pa sa problema!
Woman: Sorry na Dad. Tatawagan ko na lang ang friends ko sa press.
Man: ‘Yan ka na naman! Manahimik ka na lang kasi!
Woman: Madali lang ‘yan Daddy. Sasabihin ko misquoted ako.
Man: Bahala ka!

TAPE 4
[Phone ringing]
Man 1: Hello sir! Napatawag kayo?
Man 2: Tuloy na tuloy pala ang rally sa Luneta sa Lunes. Anak ng… Sakit sa ulo!
Man 1: Mukhang umiingay nga sir eh.
Man 2: Draft me a statement nga. Sabihin mo ipapa-abolish ko na ang PDAF.
Man 1: Sir?!?
Man 2: O, malabo ba ang sinabi ko? Gawan mo ‘ko ng statement ‘ka ko. Panahon na para i-abolish ang PDAF!
Man 1: Naku sir, baka magtaka ang mga tao kasi agad-agad ang pagbabago ng isip n’yo. Kamakalawa lang sabi n’yo, ‘di kayo pabor na i-scrap ang pork barrel.
Man 2: May sinabi ba akong pork barrel? Sabi ko PDAF! Sandali, sino bang boss dito?
Man 1: Right away sir!

TAPE 5
[Phone ringing]
Man: Hello… ?
Woman: Lhito, si Janeth ‘to.
Man: Uy Tita, ‘musta po?
Woman: Pinanood kita kanina sa programa mo. Naku Lhito, hindi mo na pala ako binabati. Nakakasama naman ng loob.
Man: Ay Tita, naubusan lang kami ng oras. Ang dami kasing live reports.
Woman: Gano’n? Sabi ng maid sa bahay, three weeks mo na raw akong ‘di binabati. Dati naman, araw-araw ah. ‘Wag mo nga akong ini-etchos bakla!
Man: Kung maka-bakla ka naman Tita! Eh kasi nga mainit ka ngayon! Careful lang ako.
Woman: Sige na nga. Basta sa next presscon ko, kung magpapakita ako, ‘wag kang mawawala huh! Ready na ang sobre.
Man: Naku naman Tita, alam mo naman kung nasaan ang loyalty ko. Sa ‘yo siyempre! Hope to see you soon. Ingat po Tita!

TAPE 6
[Phone ringing]
Woman: Office of Senator Z, how may I help you?
Man: Sabihin mo sa amo mong corrupt, pakamatay na siya! Magnanakaw!
Woman: Get a life!
Man: Get a life mo’ng mukha mo! Ulol!
[Hangs up]

TAPE 7
[Phone ringing]
Man 1: Hello…?
Man 2: Bruhildo, Ninong mo ‘to.
Man 1: Ay Senator!
Man 2: Ikaw ba ang assigned sa special report ng network n’yo sa pork barrel?
Man 1: Hindi po Ninong. Si Domeng po,
Man 2: Mabuti naman. Sabit si Budang eh, ‘yong pamangkin kong presidente ng NGO. Na-meet mo na ‘yon noong Senado pa ang beat mo!
Man 1: ‘Wag kayong mag-alala Ninong. Titimbrehan kita sakaling ma-mention ang name niya o name mo sa meeting namin.
Man 2: Salamat! By the way, nagamit n’yo na ba ang plane tickets na gift ko sa wedding n’yo ni Doray?
Man 1: Hindi pa ho Ninong. Busy pa eh.
Man 2: Ah sige. Sabihin mo lang kung kailangan mo ng extra. Thanks.

TAPE 8
[Phone ringing]
Woman: Hello…?
Voice: HEH-HEHLLOW. Tergiyhu hiklopd furtyi Janeth abararrrrrr belelelelekzzst!
Woman: Sino ‘to? Ikot ka nga nang konti, masama ang signal mo. ‘Di ko marinig!
Voice: Gustoh na hujkilpox kitang makita poljhkut Janeth belelelelekzzst!
Woman: Hindi talaga kita maintindihan! Sino ka ba?
Voice: Kilalang-kiljfklala moh ahktko Janeth abtribelelelelekzzst!
Woman: Hindi ka nakakatuwa! Ibababa ko ‘to! Sino ka nga?!?
Voice: Satanaskzzst belelelelekzzst!
Woman: Hoy, kung nananakot ka, hindi mo ako kayang takutin! Demonyo ka!
Voice: Ako nga! Belelelelekzzzst! Looking forwardyurtighjk to seeing you Janeth szooon! Belelelelekzzzst!

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TAPE 9
[Phone ringing]
Man: Archdiocese of Nabilinarin, good morning.
Woman: Pwede kay Father Maluho?
Man: Speaking…
Woman: Father! Si kwan po ito…
Man: Oo naman, I was expecting your call.
Woman: Father, pwede po bang mangumpisal mamaya? Ipapasundo ko na lang kayo?
Man: Anytime. Dadalhin ko ba ang Mahal na Poong Nazareno?
Woman: Sige Father. Mas kailangan ko siya ngayon.
Man: Okay, okay. Kwan, wala na nga pala akong stock sa kusina.
Woman: Ah sige Father. Bukas na bukas din, bibilhin ko ang isang branch ng Shaftwise para sa ‘yo. See you po!
Man: You really are a servant of the Lord. God bless you!

TAPE 10
[Phone ringing]
Woman 1: Hello Attorney?
Woman 2: Sino ‘to?
Woman 1: Si Juliet Lima November ‘to.
Wiman 2: ‘Di ba’t sinabihan na kitang palitan mo ang iyong code name? Masyadong obvious! Baka may nakikinig sa atin, malilintikan tayo.
Woman 1: Sorry po Attorney.
Woman 2: At ilang beses ko bang sasabihing huwag mo akong tatawaging attorney sa telepono?! Gusto mo bang mahuli?
Woman 1: Pasensya na po. Ano nga ulit ang code name n’yo?
Woman 2: Gisele. Gisele Bündchen.
Woman 1: Gisele Bündchen talaga?!?
Woman 2: Walang pakialaman ng trip. O, ba’t ka tumawag?
Woman 1: Nasa diyaryo kasi ngayon sina G, A, N, I, at D. Ang sabi sa report mga conduit ko raw. Ano bang dapat kong gawin?
Woman 2: Ano pa, eh ‘di gaya ng dati. Tawagan mo personally at pakiusapang ‘wag na ‘wag magsasalita.
Woman 1: Paano po kung ‘di pumayag?
Woman 2: Sampalin mo ng pera. Pera lang ang katapat ng mga ‘yan!
Woman 1: Kopya po. Salamat po Atty. Gisele.
Woman 2: Bündchen, ‘wag kalimutan.
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“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~ Voltaire

Sound Bites
“Despite the reforms we have implemented, we have seen, as the events of the past weeks have shown, that greater change is necessary to fight against those who are determined to abuse the system. It is time to abolish PDAF.”
~ President Aquino, August 23, 2013

Kita-kita sa Luneta!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PORK NG INA N’YO!

15 07 2013

A SERIES of investigative reports by the Philippine Daily Inquirer exposed a P10-billion Priority Development Assistance Fund scam. Pork barrel funds of lawmakers are diverted to ghost projects of bogus NGOs created by a certain Janet Lim-Napoles and her company. Right now, Napoles is being chased by reporters, news anchors, and karma.

After reading the Inquirer’s special report, I now conclude that TIME Magazine erred in declaring President Aquino the most powerful and influential Filipino. No contest, it’s Janet Lim-Napoles!

1sens

A Philippine Daily Inquirer special report says 28 lawmakers are being linked to the 10 billion-peso pork barrel scam. Furious lawmakers accuse the Inquirer of erroneous reporting. It’s more than 28!

According to the Inquirer’s special report, Sen. Bong Revilla topped the list of lawmakers who had transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles. Documents showed Revilla allowed his pork barrel to be used by the bogus NGOs 22 times. Wow. Kap’s amazing story!

Reacting to the alleged pork barrel scam, Bong Revilla, in a statement said, “Porke ba may mga nagtutulak sa aking tumakbo sa 2016, wawasakin na nila ang pangalan ko?” And 2016 was like, “uTANG NA loob. Nananahimik ako!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago says lawmakers who have been linked to the pork barrel scam must immediately take a leave of absence out of delicadeza. To which, lawmakers replied, “Ano ‘yon?!”

Breaking: Sketchy reports claim lawmakers who are being linked to the pork barrel scam just had a sudden, unexpected, and uncontrollable urge to buy an extra paper shredder.

Note: This statement was sent to this blogger via email.

Senate of the Philippines
Official Statement

“Ako ay labis na nababahala sa lumabas na report tungkol sa pag-abuso diumano sa Priority Development Assistance Fund o pork barrel ng ilang mambabatas. Nabanggit sa ulat ang aking pangalan. Nakakalungkot – dahil kailanman ay hindi ako umabuso sa salaping ipinagkatiwala sa akin ng taumbayan.

Handa akong sumailalim sa imbestigasyon upang mabatid ang puno’t dulo ng isyung ito. Nais ko lang linawin na ni minsan ay hindi ko nakausap o nakapulong ang Janet Lim-Napoles na ‘yan. Kung totoo man ang ibinabatong mga akusasyon kanya, kaisa ako sa paghahanap ng katarungan. Nasa panig ako ng mamamayan.

Walang pulitika rito. Sa aking palagay ay malinis ang layunin ng mga whistleblowers: ang mahinto ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan.

Sa susunod na sesyon ay magsusumite ako ng leave of absence sa Senado upang maiwasan ang pagkuwestyon sa kredibilidad ng isinasagawang pagsisiyasat ng mga awtoridad.

Muli, kakampi ako ng taumbayan sa paghahanap sa katotohanan. Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!”

~ Said No One. Ever.

Scrap PDAF
Senator Franklin Drilon is proposing to scrap the Priority Development Assistance Fund or pork barrel. Janet Lim-Napoles just died.

Sen. Franklin Drilon has just proposed the abolition of the controversial pork barrel. In totally unrelated news, a new SWS survey showed 99 percent of lawmakers answered “Frank Drilon” when they were asked, “If looks could kill, who would you stare at?”

In other news…
According to UP professors, the suggestion made by the Komisyon sa Wikang Filipino to replace the country’s name “Pilipinas” with “Filipinas” is unconstitutional. Glad to know that silliness is against the law.

Hottest
An online girl-to-girl magazine has named Filipino singing sensation Charice as the world’s hottest lesbian. Take that Mommy Raquel!

Overseas…
In Russia, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been stuck in a Moscow airport for three weeks now. Snowden has rejected the Russian government’s “relocation offer” of P18,000.

1italy
In Rome, Italian Premier Enrico Letta harshly criticized Senator Roberto Calderoli for saying that Congolese-born Italian Immigration Minister Cecile Kyenge looks like an orangutan. Calderoli insisted it was just a joke and added, “Sa mga hindi nakakaunawa, ako na lang ang uunawa sa inyo.”
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“Scoundrels will be corrupt and unconcerned citizens apathetic under even the best constitution.”
― William Earl Maxwell

Sound Bites
“As long as government is there, there is money.”
~Alleged “mother” of pork barrel scam Janet Lim-Napoles

“Limang senador sangkot sa 10 billion peso (pork barrel) scam? Billion! B as in baboy talaga! Naghahanap-buhay ang ibang tao. Umulan, umaraw nagtatrabaho ka. Niloloko tayo ng mga ito.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Sa lahat ng nagbulsa ng pera ng taumbayan, die!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos from the Philippine Daily Inquirer and Reuters.]








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