EXCLUSIVE! THE QUEEN’S VAGINA BREAKS ITS SILENCE

24 05 2014

ONLINE REPORTS have quoted the private doctor of Janet Lim-Napoles as saying sexual contact may have caused the vaginal bleeding of the alleged pork barrel scam queen. But her lawyer denied it, saying she didn’t have sex while confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The doctor then claimed he was possibly misquoted. So what’s the truth?

In the interest of accurate, fair, and balanced reporting, we sought Napoles’s vagina for comment and luckily, the request for an interview was granted. To make the vagina more comfortable, we asked Krissy to do the exclusive! Enjoy!

Ladies and gentlemen… the one… the only… the one and the only KRISSY!

LEILA
HELLLOOOOO! I’m baaaaack! ‘Kita n’yo naman. Kahit busy ako sa taping, commercial shoot, live TV shows, at sa imaginary love life ko, pinagbigyan ko pa rin kayo. Say ‘thank you Krissy!’ Come on. Say thank you to me naaaa. Ayaw n’yo? Fine. Ako na nga lang ang magti-thank you… ‘Thank you Krissy for being so masipag. You’re the best talaga.’ There. I said it. Gosh. Para na naman akong luka-luka. Nagsasalita akong mag-isa Aha-ha-ha Anyway, diretso na tayo sa interview dahil kailangan kong umalis nang maaga. Teka, asan na ba

Hi Krissy! Mwah!

Ay!!! Nakakaloka ka. Nand’yan ka na pala. Grabehh, namumula ka. It’s so hot kasi, right? Mga Kapamilya… kasama ko po ngayon – first and exclusive – dito lang siya magsasalita – hindi kay Jessica, hindi kay Korina, at lalong hindi kay Anthony Taberna… ang kontrobersyal na sex organ ng equally controversial niyang amo si Ms Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. Hi there!

Hello Krissy! Mwah!

Wait! Bakit ka ba mwah nang mwah? Ang sagwa huh. Hindi ko feel ang expression mo when you say mwah. Promise. How old ka na ba?

Singkwenta na Krissy.

In fairness huh… hindi halata. Mukha ka lang 62 aha-ha-ha! Ano nga palang status mo? Fresh, Rotten, o Sakto Lang?

Virgin.

You wish! Aha-ha-ha Ilusyunada ka rin huh! By the way, I like your hair!

I like yours too. Ahihihi. Mas maigsi nga lang ‘yong sa ‘yo.

True! Pero mas love ko ang color ng hair mo kahit may split ends. ‘Di masyadong light, ‘di rin masyadong dark. Sinong gumupit sa ‘yo?

Si Ma’am Jenny lang.

Kaya pala! Tell her konting trim pa Aha-ha-ha Sandali, I’ll take a photo of you, ipapakita ko kay Boy.

Naku! ‘Wag na Krissy. Pangit ako ngayon. Marami akong selfie sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Bibigyan na lang kita next time.

Arte! So anong feeling na nasa news ka ngayon? Bongga ka huh! Tinalbugan mo ang World Economic Forum at ang Martial Law sa Thailand! Ikaw talaga ang top story! Kaloka.

Nagtataka nga ako Krissy kung bakit banner story ako sa mga news sites at evening news program. Talk about priorities!

V
Alam mo, you speak better English than your Ma’am Jenny. I like you naaaa! Smart vajayjay ka.

Thank you Krissy. ‘Yon bang sa ‘yo magaling na?

Excuuuuse me! I’m clean ‘no! If you’re referring to that Joey Marquez thingy, come on! 2014 na… nag-move on na ang lahat! I’m ok now. I feel fresh! Sandali, bakit ba napunta sa akin ang usapan? Ikaw ang isyu ngayon! So, ano? Dinudugo ka ba talaga?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Helllloooo! Mismong private doctor mo na ang nagsabing bleeding ka raw. You mean he’s lying?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Kainis ka! Manang-mana ka sa amo mo. Ito na lang: totoo bang nakipag-sex ang iyong Ma’am Jenny kaya ka dinudugo?

Ano ako… virgin?!? Wala nang uterus, wala nang ovaries… tapos intact ang hymen? Hiyang-hiya naman sa akin si Mama Mary!

So, ano nga? Naging intimate ba these past few days ang Ma’am Jenny at Sir Jaime mo?

MOMOL lang.

Winner! Updated ka huh! Pati MOMOL alam mo. Titigan mo na lang ang picture na ito ng iyong amo. Hindi ko siya kinaya! Kahit naka-confine at sari-saring sakit ang idinadaing, may time pang magpa-manicure.

napoles

Nitong mga nakaraang araw ba napansin mo sa iyong paligid ang kanyang French tip?

Hindi ko matandaan. Baka tulog ako.

Natutulog talaga ang puk*?!!? NILOLOKO mo naman ako eh. I hate you naaa.

Ewan ko ho. ‘Tsaka masyado nang private ‘yan. Kailangan ba talagang itanong?

As a matter of fact, yes. Alam mo naman, desperate times call for desperate measures. Who knows, baka sinadya ang pagdurugo mo para manatili ang Ma’am Jenny mo sa ospital. Sabi nga ni Sen. Sonny Angara, kailangang i-prove ang claim. So ano? Ginagamit ka lang ba ng iyong amo para ‘di siya pabalikin sa Fort Sto. Domingo? Umamin ka!

GINAGAMIT?!? I wish!!! Paninira lang ‘yan.

Kung papipiliin ka, saan mo gustong mag-stay: Ospital ng Makati o Fort Sto. Domingo?

Siyempre sa OsMak! Ang init kaya sa Laguna! Lagi akong natutuyuan ng butil-butil na pawis do’n.

Yuccccck! Gross.

Sobra ka namang maka-yuck Krissy! Perfect ka?! At least si Ma’am Jenny, isa lang ang naging asawa. Hindi tulad ng iba d’yan, papalit-palit ng lalaki kaya until now, single pa rin at trying hard magka-boyfriend.

LEILA
Helllooooooo! At bakit pati love life ko pinapakialaman mo?

Wala akong binanggit na pangalan. Hashtag defensive.

I’m not defensive ‘no! Pero wala kang right magparinig sa akin. Kapatid ba kita?! Ballsy ba ang name mo o kaya Pinky? ‘Wag na si Viel, walang masasabi ‘yon. At least naging masaya ako sa piling ng mga nakarelasyon ko.

Yeah right.

Inggit ka lang kasi matatangkad sila at popular pa. Eh ‘yong amo mong lalaki?

Whatever.

Pork barrel queen ‘yang Ma’am Jenny mo!

Wala akong pakialam!

Hindi siya bibigyan ng immunity ng kapatid ko!

Hindi ako affected.

Pwes, makukulong siya for life! Sa Correctional! Walang aircon! Walang ventilation! Walang tubig! Pagpapawisan ka! Mangangamoy ka!

Ba’t ba tayo nag-aaway friend? ‘Di ba dapat love, love, love?

Boom panes! Aha-ha-ha! Eh ‘di sumuko ka rin. Ako na talaga! Huling tanong: kung bibigyan ka ng chance na lumipat sa ibang katawan, kaninong katawan ka lilipat: kay Dr. Elenita Binay o kay Korina Sanchez?

Walang third option?

Ayaw mo sa dalawa? Girl, malapit na ang 2016. Malay mo, maging First Vagina ka.

No, thanks. Eh ‘di ba may graft case din ‘yong isa sa kanila? Kapag minalas, kulungan pa rin ang bagsak ko.

Eh ‘di kay Korina ka na nga lang!

Ayaw ko rin. Afraid ako sa asawa niya ‘no! Eh kung mura-murahin ako no’n tapos magsisigaw: “Tang-i*a! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rule ang mag-asawa? Tang-i*a! Walang period, period sa akin!” Hard.

Eh kung sa akin ka na lang kaya lumipat?

Eeew.

Kapal mo huh! Masyado kang choosy ‘di ka naman pretty! Tse! Mag-message ka na nga lang sa Filipino people.

Ayoko nang maglitanya dahil pagod na rin ako. Haters gonna hate. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: In a major, major way, I labia all! Mwah.
———————————————————————————
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Our patient is human; she has her urges.”
~ Dr. Efren Domingo, JLN’s personal doctor

Yamaaan!
On a scale of Antonio Trillanes to Cynthia Villar, how filthy rich are you?
Untitled

Have a good weekend and a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino & Abunda Tonight, GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





RICH, FILTHY RICH

1 08 2013

1
THE LATEST Forbes list of the 50 richest Filipinos is out. As expected, Henry Sy, Lucio Tan, Andrew Tan, Enrique Razon, John Gokongwei Jr, and Jaime Zobel De Ayala topped the elite roster. Also on the list: Villar, MVP, the Lopezes, the Aboitizes, the Yuchengcos and the Cojuangcos. ["I know what you're thinking! 'T*ng-i*a n'yo!" - Pork Barrel Queen]

All is not lost though. It’s only the 16th Congress. Maybe she’ll make the list after the 20th Congress.

Scrap PDAF
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a resolution that seeks the abolition of the pork barrel. In other news, an SWS survey conducted in both Houses of Congress this morning showed Santiago was the most hated lawmaker.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is seeking a gradual abolition of the pork barrel. Lawmakers are advised to read more about withdrawal syndrome.

2Pride
Remember Janet Lim-Napoles’ daughter Jeane who flaunted photos of her Porsche, LVs, YSLs, Chanels, Louboutins and Celines in social media? Lawyer Lorna Kapunan says everyone should be proud of people like Jeane. I don’t think everyone will be proud of lawyers like Kapunan.

Tax Evaders
The Bureau of Internal Revenue says 90 percent of Filipino professionals are not paying the correct taxes. But that’s because 90 percent of BIR people are in cahoots with them!

BIR Commissioner Kim Henares says 90 percent of Filipino professionals are tax evaders. The remaining 10 percent declined the ‘help’ of BIR fixers.

Anniversary
August 1 marks the fourth death anniversary of former President Corazon Aquino… and former senator Mar Roxas’ presidential hopes.

Luxurious
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

Full Moon
A recent study revealed people find it really hard to sleep when there’s a full moon – And even much harder when his or her name is being linked to the pork barrel scam.

Genius
Anala Beevers, a four-year-old toddler from New Orleans is the newest member of Mensa, an international organization of intellectually-gifted people. She was only four months old when she learned the alphabet. Today, she would often correct her parents’ grammar. Anala’s dad says, “She needs a reality show.” Anala’s a genius but her father’s an idiot!

lagretaLa Greta
Reports say actress Gretchen Barretto is not shocked by the reported rift between her sister Claudine and Raymart Santiago. And even if she’s shocked, it will be very hard to tell.
———————————————————
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein on luxury

Sound Bites
“We are legislators not public works contractors.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to fellow lawmakers on the issue of pork barrel spending

“I was not shocked. With many things happening, I am only concerned with my self-preservation.”
~Gretchen Barretto on the rift between Claudine and Raymart

Have a peaceful, productive and happy month of August!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: People Magazine, Forbes, PhilStar, and ABS-CBNNews.Com]





ROYAL BABIES

25 07 2013

untitled
THE ROYAL BABY’s name has been made public. Can we now go back to discussing the pork barrel scam? Please.

It seems like senators have distanced themselves from the alleged mastermind of the reported P10 billion-peso pork barrel scam – Janet Lim-Napoles. Congressmen and government officials refuse to talk about her. Talk about Royal babying!

PDAF
Despite the reported P10-B pork barrel scam, the government’s proposed national budget for next year still includes some 27 billion pesos in pork barrel funds! Yes, that’s 27 billion pesos! Or as Janet Lim-Napoles would say, “Fabulous!”

Victim?!?
On the reported 10 billion-peso pork barrel scam, lawyer Lorna Kapunan insists that the whistleblower was the mastermind, and that her client, Janet Lim-Napoles is the real victim. And that unicorns are real; Elvis Presley is alive, and Jose Rizal is the father of Adolf Hitler.

1
Rappler Exclusive
Rappler.Com published a photo showing Janet Lim-Napoles in a party with lawmakers like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada. Sought for reaction, Gus Abelgas said, “Hindi nagsisinungaling ang ebidensya.”

CIDG vs De Lima
Officials of the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) are furious at DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima. This, after the DOJ chief presented two witnesses who testified that the CIDG stole P20M and 80 kilos of shabu from recaptured Chinese drug traffickers. According to the CIDG, the witnesses destroyed the cops’ “reputation.” To which De Lima retorted, “What’s there to destroy?”

Cedula
Sen. Francisco Escudero has filed a bill seeking the abolition of the community tax certificate or cedula. Breaking: Local government officials have drafted a resolution declaring Escudero ‘persona non grata.’

untitledNoynoy and Dionne
Last Tuesday, President Aquino watched the concert of Dionne Warwick at the Big Dome. There was this awkward moment when Warwick announced that she’s dedicating her last song – ‘That’s What’s Friends Are For’ to President Aquino and Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon.

Bureau of Corruption
Customs Deputy Commissioner Juan Lorenzo Tañada says it will take at least 12 long years to eradicate corruption in the agency. And he was being optimistic at that.

Deputy Commissioner Juan Lorenzo Tañada says it will take at least 12 years to eradicate corruption in the BOC. In other news, eradicating corruption in Congress will take at least 12 generations.

MMFF 2013
Bong Revilla has pulled out his entry from this year’s Metro Manila Film Festival. I’m stunned. That decision was just remarkable! Thank you Senator!

With Bong Revilla now out of the 2013 MMFF, Laguna Governor ER Ejercito is hoping that the MMDA will choose his film as a replacement. Dear Bong, please reconsider. Thanks.

untitledRoyal Baby
The name of the Royal baby has been announced! It’s George Alexander Louis. Fortune-tellers see a bright future for Prince George. One of them predicted that he’s going to slay a Lannister.

William and Kate have announced the name of their baby boy. It’s George Alexander Louis. Prince George is third in line to the throne. Like Kris Aquino. [Or Bimby maybe.]
———————————-
“Don’t let a thief into your house three times. The first time was enough. The second time was a chance. The third time means you’re stupid.”
~C. JoyBell C.

Elsewhere
Rappler: Administration solons linked to pork barrel scam

Sound Bites
“Hindi po natin magagamot sa loob ng tatlong taon. Honestly po kailangan po ng minimum dalawang termino ng administrasyon. Dalawang pangulo na parehas ang mindset kasi po ang totoo po n’yan matapos ang termino ni PNoy kung hindi katulad ng kay PNoy ay back-to-square one po ang mangyayari.”
~Customs Deputy Commissioner Juan Lorendo Tañada on getting rid of corruption in the BOC

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Philippine Daily Inquirer, People Magazine, Rappler]








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