THE FUGITIVE: A KRISSY EXCLUSIVE

19 08 2013

WHERE IN HELL is she? She’s STILL here! She won’t reveal her exact location but at least she’s talking about the issues hounding her. She also requested that KRISSY do the interview. Request granted! So Krissy, you know the drill. Good luck!

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HELLLLLOOOOO EVERYONE! Hiiiii! Binaha ba kayo? Krissy here. Nakakaloka ‘tong assignment na ‘to huh! Kung kelan umuulan at flooded ang streets saka ako inutusan. ‘Di bale… inisip ko na lang: this is for the country naman ‘di ba? And you know naman our family when it comes to serving the nation. Rain or shine, gow! Care bears na sa baha! Aha-ha-ha!

Before we begin, i have a kwento lang, This morning before I left for this interview, Bimbee made lambing. Sabi niya, “Mama, please take a photo of the pork barrel woman I saw on TV so I could punch her.” Aha-ha-ha! I swear hindi ko s’ya kinaya! Naloka ako sa anak ko! So I replied, “Bimbs, nooo! That’s bad. You have to respect other people no matter how bruha they are. Kung gusto mo, ‘yong lawyer na lang niya ang ipunch mo!” Pumayag si bagets! Hashtag AlamNa! Aha-ha-ha! He’s so me talaga aha-ha-ha!

Hello din po Ma’am Krissy!

Ay! You’re here na pala. Kanina ka pa ba d’yan?

Yes po, Ma’am Krissy.

Hellllllllllllllow! Manalamin ka nga. Mukha ka nang singkwenta’y otso ‘noh! I’m only 42! So call me Krissy na lang. Ako nga ang dapat mag-ma’am sa ‘yo eh!

Sige po.

And pleeeeease, don’t use po. I feel old. Anyway, start na tayo dahil baka abutan pa ako ng flood. Kanina kasi when your staff brought me here, naka-blindfold ako. Kaloka ‘di ba? Eksenang kidnapping ang drama. Hindi ka na nadala! Aha-ha-ha! So my first question is: where are we right now?

Hindi ko po pwedeng sabihin eh. Baka matunton ako ng NBI.

Sabi ko nga! Aha-ha-ha Ba’t ba ako tawa nang tawa? Aha-ha-ha! Sige, clue na lang. Are we still in Metro Manila?

Opo.

Mandaluyong?

Hindi po.

Pasig?

Hindi po.

Makati?

Hindi po.

Quezon City?

Ayaw ko na pong magsalita. Kasi po, ‘yong ano. Basta, ano, magagalit ang lawyer ko.

Hay naku! Kainis ka! Anyway, you know me naman right? I’m really prangka. At ayoko ng liar! I may be many things but I’m not a liar. So sana, tell me na lang the truth, ok?

Sige po.

Talaga? As in the whole truth?

Opo.

Bongga! I love you naaaa! Joke! So nasaan tayo ngayon?

Nasa bathtub po.

Ay, winnnnerrrr! Oo nga ‘no?!? Gosh, I didn’t notice. Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga. Ang laking bathtub naman nito girl! At personalized pa huh! Ano nga ‘yang nakasulat sa may likod mo? To your left. There! Pakibasa nga.

“Courtesy of my friends in the Senate”

Beautifuuuuuul! Alam mo, bongga ka talaga! No wonder, you amassed such massive wealth.

Hindi naman po ako rich. Blessed lang.


Noooo! You’re rich! Iba ang rich sa blessed. Ako, blessed ako. Si Boy blessed. Si Senator [unintelligible] rich! Si Congressman [unintelligible] rich. Basta! Ayoko nang mag-explain. Wait, ano ‘yong naka-print sa right side ng bathtub?

‘Yong ano? Ang alin? ‘Yong maigsi o mahaba po?

‘Yong medyo mahaba. Na-curious ako bigla. Pakibasa please.

“Another project made possible by your friends in the House of Representatives.”

Fabulous! Kainis kaaaaa. You’re so influential talagaaaaa. Kung nanonood ka Boy, pa-borrow muna ako ng linya mo sa Bandila huh. Look at me Jenny… look at me.

Ano po? Saan po?

Hellllloooow! Tumingin ka sa akin! Ang slowwwww! JENNY… IKAW NA!

Ang ano po?

Ano ba?!?! You’re supposed to say something. Hindi ka ba nanonood ng Bandila?

Naku hindi po. Si Korina lang ang pinapanood ko.

Ayyyy, NR! Ayoko ng intriga. ‘Yan pa naman ang kabilin-bilinan sa akin ni Ate Peenky. “Krissy, kapag na-mention ang pangalan ni [unintelligible] zip your lips.” Ohhhhhh-kay. Eh ‘di quiet na lang ako. Aha-ha-ha! Moving on… sabi mo sa isang TV interview, hindi mo alam ang ‘pork barrel?’

Hindi po.

As in you don’t know what pork barrel is?

Hindi po talaga.

Naku, you’re lyiiiiing. I hate you naaaa. Look at your nose. It’s getting bigger already.

Namimersonal naman kayo Ma’am Krissy.

Helllloooooow! Kung namimersonal ako eh ‘di sana, I told you that you badly need a nose job. But out of respect, I did not say that. I swear, I have nothing personal against you. I just can’t believe na hindi mo alam ang pork barrel. Feeling ko talaga you’re lying.

Ibang tanong na lang po. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.

Fine! According to the DOJ, meron ka raw at least 30 vehicles including a Porsche Cayenne.

Mali ka Miss Krissy. Pors po ‘yon. Hindi Portia.

Noooo! It’s Porsche!

Pors po.

Bahala ka na nga! Pero nakakaloka naman ang dami ng sasakyan mo. Akala ko ba coal mining ang business mo? Parang car dealership naman!

Sinungaling po ang DOJ.

Naku! You’re accusing Secretary De Lima of lying huh! So ilan ba talaga?

OA naman po ang 30. Twenty nine lang!

Gosh! Mali nga ang report. DOJ huh, you’re not doing your homework! Masamang mag-accuse huh! Heto pa… how true naman na you have 28 houses?

Grabe naman Ms Krissy. Kung marami talaga akong houses, bakit dito tayo nag-uusap sa bathtub?

True! May point ka aha-ha-ha So ilan ba talaga ang houses mo?

Isasama ko po ba sa bilang ang Lower House?

It’s really up to you.

Siguro, huwag na lang ‘yong ano. ‘Tsaka ‘yong ano, baka magalit si Senator [unintelligible]. Anim lang talaga ang bahay ko. ‘Yon ang ano, ang totoo. Basta.

Eh ano ‘yong lumabas na 28?

Bathttub po ‘yon.

Huwhaaaat?!? Meron kang dalawampu’t walong bathtub? Kaloka huh! Saan mo naman ginagamit ang bathtub? Ba’t gano’n karami?

Ibang tanong na lang. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.

Na naman?! Kainis ‘yang lawyer mong ‘yan huh! At in fairness sa kanya, ke galit s’ya o hindi, mukha talaga siyang galit! Promise!

Namimersonal ka na naman Ms Krissy. Dahil ba lawyer siya ni James?

Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako namimersonal. Whether she’s that man’s lawyer or not, she badly needs a stylist! Her makeup is horrible! Did you see the eye shadow? Buong face may eye shadow! Aha-ha-ha!

Ay heto na pala si Attorney…

Where?

Joooke! Hihihihi Natakot ka Ms Krissy ‘noh?.

Shet kaaaa! Alam mo you’re not funny! Next time, don’t make fun of me huh! Hindi tayo close! Remember, may three years pa ang brother ko! Kainezz! Nag-palpitate tuloy ako! I hate you na talagaaaaa!

Mahaba pa ba ‘to Ms Krissy?

Ewan ko! Mas mahaba ang ilong mo!! Hmpff! Maglaro na nga lang tayo!

Sige! Anong game Ms Krissy? The Price Is Right?

Ikaw talaga, ang hilig sa presyuhan! Noooo! Pipikit ka tapos I’ll repeatedly punch and kick you on behalf of the Filipino people.

Ay, gano’n po?!?

Joooke! Scared ka ‘no? Finally, nakaganti rin ako. Aha-ha-ha Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll play a fast-paced trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. JENNY… Game Ka Na Ba?

Game Na!

1KLet’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?

Ghost!

Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”

Senador?

I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?

Bong!

Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! Kumpare ko ‘yon! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, saan naman galing ang pork?

Sa buwaya!

I said PORK Ms Jenny!

Kongresista!?!

PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry senator. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!

Pulitika!

Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya. Dahil sa answers mong ‘yan, like na kitaaaaaa! Aha-ha-ha! Last na. This question comes from William Baldwin, and he wants to know: What is one big mistake that you made in your life and what did you do to make it right?

Thank you so much Krissy por that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, good ibning Philippines! You know what Krissy, in my 55 years of existence, I can say that there is nothing major major I mean problem that I hab done in my life becos I am very conpident with my friends in the Senate and Congress, with the lab that they are giving to me. So, thank you so much that I am in this bathtub. Thank you, thank so much!

I luveeeeet! Aha-ha-ha! JENNY… Ikaw na!

Hindi naman.

Ano ba!? I’ll give you another chance para tumama ang sagot mo, ok? JENNY… Ikaw na!

Sana nga.

Gosh! Stup…[unintelligible] Piktyuran na nga lang kita. Kaloka! Bimbee… wait for Mama, ok? Meron akong dalang sorpresa. Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————————————–
“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”
~ Criss Jami

Sound Bites
“It is not up to the senators to determine whether an NGO is bogus or not.”
~Jinggoy Estrada (Senator, reportedly)

Kung naniniwala kang dapat nang mahinto ang PAGNANAKAW ng mga pulitiko, taong-gobyerno at kanilang mga kasabwat sa buwis ng taumbayan, kita-kita tayo sa Lunes, Araw ng mga Bayani, August 26 sa Luneta!

Ingat Pilipinas!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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