CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

23 05 2012

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.


Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?


Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha


Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!


Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE PRESIDENT AND THE MEDIA

24 04 2012

IN A SPEECH during the Philippine Press Institute’s National Press Forum last Monday, April 23, 2012, President Aquino slammed the media for inaccurate and negative reporting. The Professional Heckler obtained the original draft of that fiery speech.

SPEECH OF HIS EXCELLENCY BENIGNO S. AQUINO III***
PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES
PHILIPPINE PRESS INSTITUTE’S 16TH NATIONAL PRESS FORUM
TRADERS HOTEL, MANILA
APRIL 23, 2012

Naalala ko pa ang kuwento ng aking yayang mahusay magluto ng paborito kong tostadong corned beef. Minsan raw ay nagpasya siyang maghanda ng adobong alimango. Dahil fresh at buhay ang mga nabili niyang alimango, nag-alala si yaya. “Paano kung tumalon palabas ng kaserola ang mga alimango?” Ngunit dahil wala naman siyang choice at gutom na rin kami ng aking mga kabaril-barilan ng time na ‘yon (opo, bata pa lang ako ay mahilig na ako sa baril), ibinuhos niya ang mga alimango sa kaserola. Nagtangkang tumakas ang ilang alimango ngunit dahil sa paghila pababa ng kapwa alimango, nabigo silang makaalis sa kaserolang may kumukulong tubig. Namatay ang mga alimango. Sa sobrang awa, umiyak ako secretly that same night.

Bata pa po ako nang marinig ang kwento ni yaya ngunit ang aral na napulot ko sa kwentong ‘yan ay hinding-hindi ko malilimutan. Tuwing nagbabasa ako ng diyaryo, nakikinig ng radyo, at nanonood ng telebisyon, naaalala ko ang mga alimango ni yaya. Huwag n’yo nang isalin sa Ingles ang “mga alimango ni yaya” dahil mahalay pakinggan.

Anyway, bakit ko ibinahagi sa inyo ang kwento ng alimango? Simple lang naman: Marami sa mga miyembro ng local media ang utak-alimango. Sa halip na isapubliko ang kapuri-puring mga nagawa ng pamahalaan, mas pinipili pa nilang ibandera ang mga negatibong balita. Gusto kong maniwalang The Daily Tribune, Manila Standard, at Manila Times lang ang saksakan nang nega. Ngunit hindi pala.

Bibigyan ko kayo ng ilang halimbawa. Sa Twitter, isang talunang vice presidential candidate ang nag-tweet na namasyal daw kami ni Grace Lee sa Promenade, Greenhills isang katanghaliang tapat. Ni-retweet agad ito ng mga tsismoso, mga atat, at mga intrigero. Ang nakakalungkot, isang TV station ang nagbalita kaagad ng paglalamyerda ko raw. Por Diyos por santo, mula alas-diyes ng umaga hanggang alas kuwatro ng hapon ay dumudugo na ang ilong ko habang ka-miting ang NEDA board upang magsuri at mag-apruba ng mga proyekto, paano ako makakapamasyal? Worse, sa Greenhills pa raw?!? Kung inyong babalikan ang history ng mga date ko, never akong nag-Greenhills. Either sa Shangri-la, Greenbelt 3 or 5 (ang Greenbelt 1 ay masyado nang masa) o kaya ay sa Serendra kami pumupunta.

At bakit naman ‘di ako maiinis? ‘Yong TV station na naglabas ng balita ay may reporter sa palasyo. Parang nananadya eh. Ano ba naman ‘yong iverify muna kung umalis ba talaga ang aking sasakyan sa Malacañang? Sa halip na mag-imbestiga muna, bumabanat na agad sila. Mabuti na lamang at very active sa Twitter si Atty. Edwin Lacierda. Kaagad niyang pinatulan itinama ang walang basehang balita.

May mensahe nga pala ako sa defeated vice presidential candidate na nag-tweet ng maling impormasyon. Dude, nami-mersonal ka! Dahil ba ika’y La Salle at ako naman ay Ateneo? Dahil ba Kapatid ka at Kapamilya ako? Dahil ba mestizo ka at Chinito Pinoy ako? Unfair eh. Unfair.

Nang magsalita ako sa energy summit sa Mindanao, naglatag ako ng mga posibleng solusyon sa black out sa rehiyon. Ngunit ano ang lumabas sa mga website at pahayagan? “Pacquiao gets the cold shoulder” “PNoy snubs Pacman” Gusto kong linawin at tapusin ang isyung ito. Walang isnabang nangyari. To be liberal about it, binasa ko lang kung ano ang nakasulat sa teleprompter.

Mahigit siyamnapung libong kabataan ang kikita ngayong summer sa Expanded Government Internship Program ng DSWD. Subalit ano ang mas pinagtutuunan ng media? Ang pagbubuntis ni Katrina; ang away nina Amalia at Annabelle Rama, at ang demandahang Cristine Reyes at Ara Mina.

Isipin na lang po natin ang epekto nito. May kakilala po akong magbabalik-bayan sana. Ngunit nagdadalawang-isip na siyang umuwi nang mapanood sa The Filipino Channel ang nagaganap na karahasan sa bansa. Pinayuhan ko siyang mag-subscribe instead sa GMA Pinoy TV kaya lang kalaban pala ‘yon, ‘wag na lang.

Mantakin po ninyo: Noong Pebrero, mahigit 411,000 ang turistang dumalaw sa ating bansa. First time po ‘yan sa kasaysayan ng turismo ng Pilipinas. Ang target natin ay sampung milyong turista sa taong 2016. Isipin na lang po natin kung gaano kabilis maaabot ang target na iyan kung mas mangingibabaw ang positibong balita tungkol sa Pilipinas, kaysa uunahin ang negatibismo? Paulit-ulit na lang ako. Sino bang sumulat ng speech na ito?

Naaalala pa ba ninyo ang carnapper na si Raymond Dominguez? Noong kasagsagan ng carnapping with murder incidents, banner headline sa mga pahayagan ang nagawang krimen ni Dominguez. Pati nga si Katrina Paula (by the way, sexy siya), may interview pa.

Last week, nahatulan si Dominguez na makulong ng hanggang tatlumpung taon. Pero nasaan ang balita? Nasa inside pages, nasa metro section na nilalampasan lang ng mga readers ng diyaryo. Wala pang dalawang taon, may desisyon na ang kaso. Gano’n kabilis! Pero may pumuri ba sa hukom? Wala! (Alam kong promotor ako ng pagbatikos sa hudikatura pero sabi nga, “Do as I say, not as I do.”)

Ayon din po sa estadistika ng ating kapulisan, bumaba ng 59.4 percent ang insidente ng carnapping sa taong 2011. But what made the news instead?
“Aquino’s rating drops”
“Fuel price increases pull Aquino down”
“Aquino’s public satisfaction rating plummets”

Bastusan na talaga!

Noong nakaraang linggo, headline sa isang website: “PNoy, Grace Lee break up.” Nagmula raw ang balita sa tatlong sources na napakalapit sa akin. At sabi pa sa artikulo, “confirmed.” Natatawa na lang ako. Pati ba naman sa aking love life, nangingibabaw pa rin ang pagiging negatibo ng media? Meron bang break na nagdi-dinner pa sa Greenbelt? Meron bang hiwalay na nag-uusap ng at least five hours every day? Meron bang break na nagti-text ng sweet nothings kada oras? Titigan n’yo ako. Ito ba ang hitsura ng lalaking kaka-break lang sa kasintahan? Kung break na kami ni Grace, bakit inspired pa rin akong magtrabaho? So, please… give me a break!

Baka naman sabihin n’yong masyado ko kayong pinag-iinitan. Baka isipin n’yo, ‘yong butas lang ng doughnut ang palagi kong nakikita at napagdidiskitahan. Hindi po. Sa katunayan, may mga nasulat din naman kayong kapuri-puri. Narito ang ilang halimbawa:

63% of Pinoys believe Corona has hidden wealth

Court denies Gloria Arroyo’s plea to go to hometown for voter registration

Corona caught in a corner

Gloria Arroyo’s suspension sought

Corona rating worsens

People power to unseat Corona

There’s the Rub by Conrado De Quiros

Corona rating down to new low, says survey

Magandang ehemplo ang mga ganitong klaseng headlines. Ang mga tulad nito ay sumasalamin sa patas at walang pinapanigang pamamahayag. Keep it up.

Naniniwala po akong iisa ang bangkang sinasakyan ng bawat Pilipino, at lahat ng Pilipino ay may tungkuling makisagwan upang maabot natin ang ating mga pangarap. This is not a threat pero sabi nga ni George W. Bush, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Kung magpupunla po tayo ng pagdududa sa publiko, paghihirap ang idudulot nito. Ngunit kung pag-asa ang ating itatanim, kasaganahan naman ang ating aanihin.

No to negativism!
Think positive!

(‘Wag kayong mag-alala. Hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit sa media. After all, my favorite sister is the ‘Queen of All Media.’)

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang mamamahayag na Pilipino!

Postscript:
Lumabas na po ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema sa Hacienda Luisita. Sa botong 14-0, iniutos ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman sa aming pamilya na ipamahagi ang aming lupain. Hindi ko sinasabing huwag n’yong gawing banner headline ang balitang ‘yan. What I’m just saying is, that’s a piece of bad news. Maging positibo. Iwaksi ang negatibismo! Muli, maraming salamat sa inyong lahat!

***Purportedly, the first draft of the speech.
———————————————
“Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

You Have Spoken
Pabor ba kayong gumamit ng prepaid power (electricity)?
- Why not? Para makatipid. 35.68%
- No way. 29.52%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 34.8%

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





KC CONCEPCION: UNEDITED

28 11 2011

OVER THE LAST THREE WEEKS, we have been bombarded with news about the Arroyos, the De Limas, the Aquinos, the Topacios and the Revillas/Bautistas. On Sunday, ABS-CBN gave us a breather of sorts. Everyone is now talking about the interrupted romance between Star Magic talents KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual.

However, the network didn’t allow the public to see the full interview. The show had to edit out statements to protect some personalities. An anonymous source sent us the deleted portions of the tell-all conversation. Indulge!


Boy Abunda (BA): Kristina, napanood mo ba ‘yong viral video ni Atty. Midas Marquez?
KC Concepcion: Tito Boy, I’ve seen worse! Believe me. Hindi lang pilantik ng mga daliri. Hindi lang taas ng kilay. But I don’t wanna go into detail. ‘Di ba may instruction sa atin sina Ma’am Charo at Tita Cory Vidanes na ‘wag pag-uusapan ang gender ni PJ? Sundin natin ‘yon.

BA: Atty. Ferdie Topacio is in the news these days. Ano ang masasabi mo sa kanya?
KC: At least siya Tito Boy, may itlog. Handa niyang itaya ‘yon alang-alang sa taong minamahal niya. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, never kong nadama kung may itlog siya. Never niya akong binigyan ng pagkakataon Tito Boy.

BA: Your dad used to support former President Arroyo. I’m sure, you’ve seen her in the news. May reaksyon ka ba sa nangyayari sa dating pangulo?
KC: ‘Yon ang masakit Tito Boy (weeps), ang dating pangulo kasi, malinaw ang kalaban, si Secretary De Lima – babae. Pero ang kalaban ko, lalaki! Ano namang laban ko sa isang lalaki Tito Boy?! Ang sakit eh.

BA: Bukas, November 28, one month na mula nang patayin si Ram Revilla. Your thoughts on the issue…
KC: Tito Boy, Ram is still lucky. Nakakulong ang mga suspek na sumaksak sa kanya. Pero ako? Daig ko pa ang sinaksak nang ilang beses sa puso pero ‘yong suspek, nakakalaya pa rin until now.

BA: Kristina, naglabas recently ng ruling ang Korte Suprema on Hacienda Luisita. Ipapamahagi na raw ang ekta-ektaryang lupain sa maliliit na magsasaka. May mensahe ka ba sa mga farmers?
KC: I am genuinely happy for them Tito Boy. At hanga talaga ako sa mga magsasaka dahil marunong at magaling silang umararo. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, hindi eh. Ang sakit Tito Boy. Hindi ko na kaya. (weeps)


BA: Mainit pa ring pinag-uusapan ang RH Bill sa Kongreso. Let’s talk about contraceptives, condoms, in particular. Anong stand mo?
KC: Tito Boy, I can’t relate. Never kaming umabot sa level na pinag-usapan ang protection. Sorry.

BA: I’m sure narinig mo na ang balita. Bohol Representative Rene Relampagos wanted to rename Edsa and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Pabor ka ba?
KC: Ang hirap magsalita Tito Boy. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko, nakaka-relate ako sa Edsa Tito Boy. Kasi kapag magkasama kami ni PJ sa kuwarto, dinadaan-daanan lang niya ako.


BA: Bago tayo maghiwalay, gusto kong mapasaya ka kahit papaano. Let’s play Pinoy Henyo. I will ask Yes, No, or Pwede questions. Ikaw na ang mag-isip ng Henyo word.
KC: Sige Tito Boy. Meron na. (Shows the word to the televiewers: PIOLO)

BA: Tao ba ‘to?
KC: Yes

BA: Babae?
KC: Pwede!

BA: Lalaki?
KC: Puwede!

BA: Alam ko na! Lesbian!?
KC: Pwede!

BA: Bakit gano’n? Lahat pwede!? Hmmm… gay?
KC: Ahm, may memo si Ma’am Charo. Ayokong sagutin.

BA: Ang daya naman. Napapanood or lumabas before sa ABS-CBN?
KC: Yes.
BA: Rustom Padilla sa PBB!
KC: Pwede!

BA: Ang hirap naman. Teka, nagkaroon ba siya ng relasyon sa babae pero kinuwestyon ng publiko?
KC: Oo!
BA: A-ha! Eric Santos! O, naging sila ni Rufa Mae Quinto huh!
KC: Hindi!

BA: Hindi si Eric? Meron pa ba? Wait! Si Kuya Germs!
KC: Hindiiiiii! Hahaha

BA: May anak ba siya?
KC: Oo!

BA: A-ha! Marvin Agustin!
KC: Hindi!

BA: May parating na soap opera?
KC: Oo!

BA: Pinayagan kang magpa-interview para magamit sa promo ng darating niyang soap opera?
KC: Tumpak!

BA: Jericho Rosales?
KC: Hindi!

BA: Ang hirap naman. Sirit na nga!
KC: Hay naku Tito Boy, OA ka. Ini-etchos mo lang ako.

BA: Of course I know it’s Piolo. Pinapangiti lang kita Kristina. Nanonood si Piolo ngayon, anong gusto mong sabihin?
KC: Mark my word PJ, mark my word… lalabas din ang totoo!

BA: Nanonood si MB ngayon, may mensahe ka ba?
KC: Tito Boy, nasa memo ‘yan. Bawal banggitin ang pangalang ‘yan. No comment ako.

BA: One final question Kristina. Ito ang tanong ng sambayanan at gusto nilang marinig mula sa ‘yo ang kasagutan: Bakla ba siya?
KC: Napakabait niyang tao Tito Boy.

BA: Inuulit ko, bakla ba siya?
KC: Sobrang lambing niya Tito Boy.

BA: Kristina, maraming salamat sa pagtitiwala sa ‘The Buzz.’
KC: Thank you Tito Boy.

BA: Mga kaibigan… bukas po ang aming programa sa panig ni Piolo Pascual. Ang sa akin lang, huwag sana tayong humusga kaagad. Sa lahat ng usapin, marapat po lamang na pakinggan natin ang dalawang panig. Sa isyu naman ng homosekswalidad, gusto kong ibahagi ang sinabi ng American actor and playwright na si Harvey Fierstein. He said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” Magbabalik po ang ‘The Buzz!’

[Alvin Elchico: Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita... ]

Overheard: Sinungaling si Tito Boy. Hindi na bumalik ang ‘The Buzz.’

Say Something!
Isang suhestyon sa kadalasan ay magulong TV Patrol Poll:
Anong basic na pangangailangan ni KC Concepcion ang hindi maibigay ni Piolo Pascual? A: Oo B: Hindi. #angLabo!
To vote, type TVP A or B and send to 2222 for all networks except for GMA7 and TV5.
——————————————————————————————–
“People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it’s letting go.”
- Anonymous

Quote of the Weak
“May mga hinahanap ako na basic lang na hahanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki. Pero, masakit man sabihin, hindi ako yung, siguro nag-fail din ako dahil hindi ako yung kailangan niya sa buhay niya. Or hindi ako yung hinahanap niya sa buhay niya. And hindi, hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung kailangan niya.”
- KC Concepcion on Piolo Pascual

Merry Christmas everyone! Let’s go Lakers!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





NOYNOY INTERACTIVE

17 08 2010

EXACTLY 47 DAYS after President Noynoy Aquino took his oath of office, Malacañang unveiled its biggest accomplishment yet, the President’s website.

President Aquino’s official website, www.president.gov.ph provides a link to the members of his official cabinet. Reports say less than three hours after it was launched Monday, the site garnered more than 16,000 hits. In fact, the photo alone of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was hit 15,000 times.


According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit http://www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Budget Secretary Butch Abad and wife, Congresswoman Dina Abad; PMS Chief Julia Abad, and Finance Secretary Purisima’s Chief of Staff Luis Abad visited the site together. Asked about their favorite link, they said, “Home.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

Top 7 Special Interactive Features of www.president.gov.ph

No. 7: Virtual practical shooting with President Noynoy

No. 6: Beat the Customs Chief in a Round of Online Golf

No. 5: Farmville (Philippine Edition): Stock Option or Land Distribution?

No. 4: KANPAi! Virtual inuman with the Executive Secretary and his friends

No. 3: 101 Ways to Fine-Tune A Defective Executive Order

No. 2: Tracking the Typhoon: Perfect Your Forecast or You’re Fired!

And the No. 1 special interactive feature of http://www.president.gov.ph…

Ako ang Nakikita, Ako ang Nasisisi: Halina’t Mag-Karaoke Kasama si Presidente

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited http://www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
—————————-
“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Wala eh. ‘Sensya na. Hindi ako naninigarilyo!”
B: “Mahirap hong ipaliwanag eh. Basta, isang umaga, paggising ng mga legal advisers ko, ito na ho ang sabi nila sa akin, ‘Pare, hinay-hinay na tayo kay Chief Justice. Nega na ang dating eh.’”
C: “Mr. President, ‘wag mo sanang mamasamain. Four petitions against your EOs in less than 100 days?!? Sigurado ka bang graduate ng Ateneo Law School ‘yang mga tao mo?”
D: “Chief, ‘di naman sa nakikialam ako. Hypothetical lang ho. Kung isa kayo sa mga farmers sa Hacienda Luisita, ano ang pipiliin n’yo: kuwarta o lupa?”

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa mungkahing i-abolish ang Sangguniang Kabataan?
- OO! 78.6%
- HINDI. 10.8%
- Wala akong pakialam. 10.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this article on Add to FaceBook.]





APPOINTMENTS

15 08 2010

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV Host
Breaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Survey Says
Should ABS-CBN let go of Willie Revillame?
-YES. Hindi siya kawalan. 29%
-NO! Turuan ng leksyon. Buruhin ang career! 52%
-Wala akong pakialam! 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

Briefly Noted, Too
Lest you forget Mr. President…
[Screen cap of a news item on ABS-CBNNews.com]

Fast forward to August 2010. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: “I will defend the 12 percent VAT on toll even in Plaza Miranda no matter what it takes.” Mga TAXil!

Have a productive week ahead!





20 03 2010

March 20th
On this date in…

1784: Governor Jose Basco issues a decree that prohibits the seizure of farmers’ lands, carabaos, and farm implements by creditors while planting or harvesting their crops. Basco also reveals plans to distribute parcels of lands to more farmers in five years. However, one of Basco’s cousins categorically denies that such plan exists in a New York Times interview.

1942: General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech regarding the fall of the Philippines, in which he says: “I shall return.” Three years later, he fulfilled his promise… to the delight of Filipinos except for Jose P. Laurel.

1969: In Gibraltar, John Lennon marries Yoko Ono… officially making her the fifth Beatle.

1977: Parisians elect former Prime Minister Jacques Chirac as 1st mayor in a century. Chirac celebrates victory by detonating a nuclear device at Mururoa Atoll.

1990: Imelda Marcos goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering. Her subsequent acquittal would then “inspire” presidents, vice presidents, senators, congressmen, and other people in government.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Just Some Photos, and Any Day in History.

Have a safe weekend!





29 01 2010


JANUARY 29th

1834: US President Andrew Jackson orders first use of troops to suppress a labor dispute… a technique that would be employed 170 years later by the management of Hacienda Luisita in Central Luzon, Philippines.

1839: Charles Darwin marries Emma Wedgwood… in a simple forest wedding officiated by Darwin’s zoologist friend.

1883: Writing from Spain, 21-year-old Jose Rizal updates his parents about his life and plans in Madrid. He expresses his intent to travel, learn European languages, meet new friends, and lose his virginity.

1936: The first inductees into the US Baseball Hall of Fame are announced… half of which would have not made the list if anabolic steroids were discovered much earlier.

1954: Oprah Winfrey is born. Overjoyed by her birth, Oprah’s parents gave each person present at the delivery room a key to a new car.

1987: Philippine President Corazon Aquino successfully suppressed the uprising of rebel soldiers that occupied Channel 7. Throughout her term in office, she survived six rebellions. The only rebellion she failed to suppress was her youngest daughter’s.

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Today in History and Filipiniana.NET.





PIGS

3 04 2008

null Signature Campaign for Erap

Character actor Rez Cortez, one of the initiators of the ERAP 2010 for President Movement vows to gather one million signatures by April 19 to persuade the former president to run for president in 2010. Apparently, Cortez is not aware that Erap’s campaign started the day he was pardoned.

null Signature Campaign for Erap II

Character actor Rez Cortez launched a signature campaign to persuade former president Joseph Estrada to run for president in 2010. Erap is exercising extra caution though because the last time Cortez led a similar campaign, his presidential candidate ended up dead.

null Bishops and Land Reform

Twenty-nine Catholic bishops, including six archbishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. Hinay-hinay lang po… buhay pa si Tita Cory.

Bishops and Land Reform II

Six archbishops and 23 bishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. When Hacienda Luisita owner and former president Corazon Cojuangco Aquino heard the news, the more she wished she’d live longer.

Swine Program Scam?

The Commission on Audit reported that billions of pesos allotted for the government’s swine program were missing. Babuyan na ‘to!

Nograles and Corruption null

House Speaker Prospero Nograles is pushing for the passage of anti-corruption bills saying corruption is a “deadly virus.” Virus? Yes. But deadly? May narinig na ba kayong congressman na namatay dahil sa pork barrel?

 Gabby, GMA, and ABS-CBN

Comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is under fire for signing a movie contract with GMA Films several weeks back and accepting the 1.5 million-peso downpayment. When he returned home though, he opted to become an exclusive ABS-CBN tv and movie talent.  GMA Films is asking Concepcion to at least honor his movie commitment – a plea that would likely fall on deaf ears. How do you expect him to honor a film project when he has failed to honor his commitment to at least three women he married?  








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