HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!

19 04 2011


Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. Senator Chiz.”
—————————————————–
“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!





CHICKEN CROSSING (2010 Edition)

5 09 2010


Why did the chicken cross the road? Here’s why according to some prominent people in politics, government, and entertainment:

President Noynoy Aquino: “Nahaharap ang manok sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa halip na lakarin ang isa sa mga daan, ang manok ay tumawid na lamang.”

Palace Spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether the chicken crossed Times Street or Samar Street, or went straight to the Balay complex in Cubao is irrelevant. What’s important is the chicken has been doing its best for the chicks. This ‘crossing thing’ has been totally blown out of proportion by the media.”

DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo: “That’s a [traffic] police matter. My job is to focus on providing coop for the chicken.”

Communications Group Sec. Herminio Coloma: “Did the chicken cross the road? I seriously doubt it! Otherwise, the traffic enforcer would have noticed!”

Communications Group Sec. Ricky Carandang: “I confirm that the chicken crossed the road. But the traffic enforcer was not informed about it.”

Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay: “Mayor Lim ordered it to cross!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Hindi pa kasi nanananghalian. Ayun, tumawid at naghanap ng pagkain. But no, I did not order the chicken to cross the road.”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Hindi ko po alam. Nagulat nga rin ako kasi bigla na lang umesquierda!”

ABS-CBN News Head Maria Ressa: “The traffic policeman was not in control. Traffic police should lead. Chicken will follow.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Put*ng-i*a kasi! Matigas ang ulo ng tarant*dong manok na ‘yan eh. ‘Buti ‘ka n’yo at ‘di nasagaan ang hay*p na ‘yan!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Mike, nakikita mo ba ang manok d’yan sa kinaroroonan mo? [Chicken appears then crosses the road] Buhay!!! Buhay Mike ang manok! Naku! Mukhang tatawid sa kalsada Mike! Pambihira! Tumawid na nga Mike!”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa: “Sayang nga eh! ‘Di ko naabutan. Naghahanap pa naman kami ng pulutan!”

Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing: “What’s your question again? I can’t hear you! Ano?!? I said I can’t hear you. Hay naku! Tanungin mo na lang ako later sa CR. Tara, ‘don tayo. Kailangan ko pang mag-make up!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Pasensya na. Nagmamadali kasi dahil may meeting pa ng araw na ‘yon.”

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “The chicken did what is right, what is best, and so God took care of the rest (of its journey).”

Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson: “Hindi naman talaga dapat tatawid ‘yan eh. So ang duda namin, na-set up lang.”

Former Agriculture Secretary Luis “Cito” Lorenzo: “To testify.”

Nacionalista Party: “According to its psychiatric evaluation report, the chicken was depressed.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Delikado ang daan, dapat lumipad na lang siya. Anyway, sa kaso naman ng manok, flight is not an indication of guilt eh.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “We’re happy to announce that the chicken crossed the road in an honest, peaceful, and orderly manner.”

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao: “You know.”

Willie Revillame: “Mamili kayo: ako o ‘yong manok?!?”

Kris Aquino: “To file a motion for the declaration of nullity of its marriage to the cock.”

James Yap: “Lahat ng iyan ay ginagawa ng manok para sa kanyang sisiw.”

Boy Abunda: “Kung ikaw ang naturang manok at bibigyan ka ng pagkakataong magsama ng isang hayop sa pagtawid, anong hayop ang isasama mo at bakit?”

Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj: “Thank you sir for that wonderful question. You know what sir, in the chicken’s 22 weeks of existence, I can say that it has got nothing major, major, I mean, crossing-related problem because it is confident. That’s why the chicken made it to the other side. So thank you, thank you so much!”

MWSS Executives: “Is that a bonus question?”
—————————–
“Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa umano’y dalawang factions sa pamahalaang Aquino?
- Gawa-gawa lang ng media ‘yan! Hindi totoo ‘yan! 5%
- Walang problema basta’t magtutulungan para sa bayan! 18%
- Nakakasama sa pamamahala! Masamang senyales ‘yan! 77%

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LAWBREAKERS

8 07 2010


YOU HEARD President Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech, right? He wanted the new government to lead by example; precisely the reason why he encouraged people in power to shun the wangwang. He wanted them to strictly follow traffic rules and regulations: No one should offer and accept tong or ‘lagay.’ No one should counterflow. And to prevent accidents, no one should beat the red light. Unless of course, you’re the vice president.


Caught on Tape
Last Monday, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy was caught by a GMA 7 television crew beating the red light and ignoring a “no left turn” sign at about 11:30 a.m. along Araneta Avenue in Quezon City. Binay has reportedly reprimanded the “concerned personnel” – for their failure to monitor the presence of the TV crew.

As GMA News reported, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy didn’t just beat the red light but actually ignored a “no left turn” sign along Araneta Avenue last Monday. According to Binay, he was in a hurry for a meeting that day, he totally forgot that he was not in Makati.

Binay’s Request
Vice President Jejomar Binay wants to have his own official office and residence like the president. Asked why, Binay said, “Alangan namang mag-uwian ako sa bahay namin for the next 24 years. Heller!?!”

Cito’s Back
Former Agriculture Secretary Luis ‘Cito’ Lorenzo Jr. is back! He told ABS-CBN’s Lynda Jumilla he’s now willing to testify in the P728-million fertilizer scam probe. In fact, President Noynoy Aquino himself said that Lorenzo could serve as a state witness. Why not? He knows a lot about the issue; he seems to be the least guilty, and his brother donated P20 million to Noynoy’s presidential campaign.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:Q_FC5DuANQwOmM:http://blogs.bet.com/entertainment/spotlight/bet-blog/assets/2009/12/tiger-woods.jpg In Sports…
At a news conference held after the recently concluded J.P. McManus Invitational Pro-Am in Ireland, Tiger Woods turned curt and dismissive, and declined to answer questions about his private life. Woods also expressed his thoughts on what he described was a ‘double standard.’ Baffled members of the media asked, what do you mean ‘double standard?’ Woods answered, “In the US, you cheat on your wife, you get crucified. In the Philippines, you cheat on the golf course, you get the Bureau of Customs.”

Alvarez Is In
The new commissioner of the Bureau of Customs – Air21 president and former SGV senior auditor Angelito ‘Lito’ Alvarez is in the news these days. According to Inquirer and dzRH sources, the posh Alabang Golf and Country Club imposed a six-month suspension on Alvarez for cheating during a golf tournament in February. But Malacañang’s search committee believes Alvarez is the best guy to take on the bad eggs at the Bureau of Customs. You know, galit ang mandaraya sa kapwa mandaraya.


The Late Mrs. Arroyo
Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo arrived three hours late in today’s orientation of neophyte congressmen at the House of Representatives. Mrs. Arroyo got up late because she wasn’t able to sleep well last night: she had a terrible headache, had an upset stomach, and saw Cito Lorenzo in the news.

Belmonte and Pork Barrel
Liberal Party’s bet for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano Belmonte is against the proposal of some of his party mates to slash pork barrel allocations to P40 million from P70 million per congressmen. Incoming House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman described the proposed cut as “flawed, cosmetic, and counterproductive” while Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez said it’s “discriminatory.” In short, “anti-congressman.” Punyeta kayong lahat!


Red Mass
President Noynoy Aquino arrived late in yesterday’s Red Mass at the Manila Cathedral. In contrast, Vice President Jejomar Binay arrived so much ahead of everyone… which was not surprising considering how good his driver was in beating the red light.
———————————-
“An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation.”
~Thomas Dewar

The Who
In the NBA, there’s John Amaechi. In the PBA, well, there’s the already-retired Apricot Banana Watermelon who was outed by his ex-wife. Both were professional cagers. Now, what if the head coach is homosexual? Would it be a big deal? Definitely not for the players of this collegiate team that is being mentored by a gay coach. As one team member asserted, “As long as he does not spend time with us in the locker room, walang problema.” Who’s the gay coach? Think John Donne and Ma. Isabel Lopez. Marami rin n’yan sa Pangasinan! And the college team? ‘Wag na. Basta ‘pag nahulaan mo, ituturing kitang isang bayani at tatanggap ka pa ng maagang Christmas gift!

Survey Says
Your take on Mae “Juana Change” Paner’s recent rants:
Nasa katwiran siya! Kaisa mo kami! 37%
Sus! Tama si Lacierda, inggit lang siya! 16%
Wala akong alam sa isyu! 47%

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Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today: The country’s richest

Overseas: CNN fires news anchor because of a Twitter post





ONE LAST CRY?

28 06 2010


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!





POLITICS AND BASKETBALL

20 06 2010


Boston’s Loss
The Los Angeles Lakers won the 2010 NBA Finals in a come-from-behind fashion. The Boston Celtics are blaming Peping Cojuangco, Chiz Escudero, Conrado De Quiros, William Esposo, and the Council on Philippine Affairs for the loss.

Leading 3 games to 2 entering Game 6, the Boston Celtics failed to sustain its momentum and lost the NBA Championship to the Los Angeles Lakers. Despite Boston’s loss though, Noynoy Aquino assures his unwavering support for the team and promised to cheer on them again after one year.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in a thrilling fight to the finish. Despite Boston’s heartbreaking loss, Noynoy Aquino reiterated his support for the team and even said that Kevin Garnett was his alter ego.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers who zoomed to the top during the last stages of the finals. Citing the lack of support from the Celtics’ second unit, Boston believer Korina Sanchez felt betrayed.


LA’s Victory
The Los Angeles Lakers outhustled the Boston Celtics en route to a thrilling, well-deserved victory. While Joseph Estrada accepted Boston’s loss and conceded that LA was the rightful winner, he criticized the officiating of the referees.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers. Boston supporter Gilbert Teodoro conceded to the Lakers, and hinted that he would soon quit watching basketball.

The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA championship against the Boston Celtics in seven games. With still two minutes remaining in the game, Manny Villar became the first Celtics supporter to concede to LA’s victory.

The LA Lakers came from behind to repulse the Boston Celtics in a thrilling finalé. Despite LA’s clear win, Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes refused to concede.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Boston Celtics in this year’s NBA finals. A majority of Philippine Daily Inquirer columnists reportedly supported the Lakers… except for Belinda Olivares-Cunanan.

GMA’s Books
On Tuesday, June 22, outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will launch two books, “Beat the Odds” and “Beating the Odds” in a formal ceremony at Malacañang Palace. The books contain a rundown of her accomplishments as president, as well as the challenges that she hurdled during her presidency. Even before the books are officially launched, both titles have reportedly zoomed to the No.1 and No. 2 places in Powerbooks’ list of fastest-selling work of fiction.

Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will launch two books, “Beat the Odds” and “Beating the Odds” in a formal ceremony at Malacañang Palace on Tuesday. Mrs. Arroyo has already dismissed rumors the similarly titled books are about her breasts.

FG’s Surgery
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo underwent a delicate surgery on his backbone. His attending physician said Mr. Arroyo had spinal stenosis, a narrowing of the spinal canal. This medical condition of the spinal column is not rare but the surgery becomes complicated when the patient is reptilian.

The Inaugural
Manolo Quezon, President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s spokesman for inauguration-related matters says Noynoy will write 85 percent of his inaugural speech. A pool of writers will finish the remaining 15 percent while Noynoy takes a smoking break.

According to the grapevine, two Ateneo students initially volunteered to write the inaugural speech for President-elect Noynoy Aquino. But Noynoy declined and said, “Gusto n’yong mag-apologize at mag-resign agad ako?!?”

Three heads of state, Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak and East Timor President Jose Ramos-Horta have reportedly confirmed attendance at the Noynoy Aquino inaugural. As a gesture of goodwill, President Hugo Chaves is sending the current Miss Venezuela.


Daring Journalist
Joshua Garcia, a reporter for local cable news network GNN was trapped near the crater of Taal Volcano after he defied warnings of residents not to descend into the crater while reporting on the condition of the volcano. Garcia could not climb back because his location was too steep. After five long hours, the coastguard was able to rescue Garcia who suffered exhaustion, dehydration, and embarrassment.

Unable to climb back due to the steep terrain, Joshua Garcia of local cable news network GNN was trapped for five long hours near the crater of Taal Volcano last week before authorities rescued him. People who heard the story were stunned and were prompted to ask, “GNN?!? Mehhh gano’n?”

Smokin’ Baby
Chances are you have seen the video of Ardi Rizal, the chain smoking, two-year-old Indonesian baby. When I first saw that clip on YouTube, I said, “This kid’s gonna be president someday!”

Survey Says
Isang self-serving question (Don’t worry, walang dagdag-bawas dito). Sino sa palagay n’yo ang magkakampeon sa 2010 NBA Finals?
BOSTON Celtics 38%
LOS ANGELES Lakers 44%
Bahala na. Kahit sino. Kahit wala. 18%

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Have a safe and productive week ahead!





GETTING READY

15 06 2010


Back To School
Classes officially opened today, June 15. For newbies, it’s when they start to learn, experiment, meet new friends and enemies, get mocked and sometimes, bullied by more powerful people around them, and then evaluated with a pass or fail grade… exactly the same things that await our new president on June 30.

School and Pacman
Just a few hours after he arrived yesterday from Canada, Manny Pacquiao was present on Day 1 of his 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines. Rumors say though Pacquiao went home disappointed when he learned that sex education wouldn’t be part of the curriculum.

Something odd happened on Day 1 of Manny Pacquiao’s 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines in Pasig City. Pacquiao refused to leave the classroom… and waited for the final bell.

Lecturers at the Development Academy of the Philippines plan to orient Jinkee Pacquiao on the role of a Congressional spouse. Jinkee, who joined Pacman at the DAP yesterday, was reportedly shocked when lecturers informed her that wives of congressmen have other things to do aside from shopping.

Manny Pacquiao is returning to school after winning the congressional race in Sarangani Province. Meanwhile, his opponent, Roy Chiongbian is starting a career in boxing.

Net Worth
Based on his 2009 Statement of Assets and Liabilities, Sen. Manny Villar is still the richest senator with a net worth of 947.88 million pesos. That figure could have been higher if Villar didn’t try to buy the entire country during the campaign.

Noynoy’s Media Men
President-elect Noynoy Aquino has chosen ANC host and Inquirer columnist Manuel Quezon III as his spokesperson for inauguration-related news while award-winning journalist and ANC anchor Ramon ‘Ricky” Carandang will reportedly be part of Noynoy’s media group. There’s no truth to rumors though that ANC has replaced NBN4 as the official government station.

Noynoy’s Plea
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is trying to reconcile his allies who disagree because of politics. The other day, he called on Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to settle their differences. If Noynoy succeeds in uniting Mar and Chiz, he’ll then try to reconcile Korina and Kris.

Reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino wants Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to make up. Joey Salceda volunteers to help.

Noynoy’s Inauguration
On June 30, President-elect Noynoy Aquino will take his oath before Associate Justice Conchita Carpio-Morales. The swearing in will take place at the Quirino Grandstand. On the same night, Korina Sanchez is expected to swear before Mar Roxas at the Araneta Center in Cubao.

The June 30 inauguration of the new president will include Noynoy Aquino’s traditional ride with outgoing president Gloria Arroyo. This early, Noynoy has been practicing, trying to perfect a jump from a speeding vehicle before it hits the grandstand’s concrete fence.

Noynoy’s Designers
According to ABS-CBN News, five designers – JC Buendia, Ivarluski Aseron, Randy Ortiz, Paul Cabral, and Joey Samson will dress up President-elect Noynoy Aquino during his 6-year term. The five fashion experts described the opportunity to enchance Noynoy’s looks… as their toughest job yet.

Noynoy’s Cabinet
President-elect Noynoy Aquino says the composition of his cabinet will be known this week. So far, nine have already said yes to his invitation to join his administration. They are Dinky Soliman (DSWD), Ding Deles (peace process), Jojo Ochoa (executive secretary), Edwin Lacierda (spokesman) and the five designers.

Jejomar or Jesse?
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is reportedly choosing between Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay and Naga City mayor Jesse Robredo for the DILG post. Binay has been vocal about his desire to take on the DILG portfolio but members of the civil society want Robredo. Since it’s a hell of a dilemma, Noynoy plans to consult Madam Auring.

Miss U 2008 in RP
The 2008 Miss Universe from Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza, and now Smartmatic’s Ambassador for Transparency is in the country to personally congratulate Filipinos for the peaceful conduct of elections. Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, outgoing senator Jamby Madrigal and outgoing Quezon City Rep Annie Susano have both retracted their accusations against Smartmatic and congratulated the IT group for a job well done.
————————
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
~ Derek Curtis Bok

Briefly Noted
FM for Marcos. FVR for Ramos. PGMA for Gloria. And now PNoy for Aquino? WTF! Puwede ba, tigilan na ang pagpapauso ng kung anu-anong pagpapapogi. The campaign is over. He is the president now! Use PNA for President Noynoy Aquino. Besides, (and no offense) we don’t want Visayans to call him Penoy, do we? Sounds like infertile egg to me.

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa pagkakaroon ng revolving First Ladies (Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris)?
Why not? Try natin! 30%
‘Wag na lang. Parang magulo. 27%
Ayaw ko na ‘yang problem

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Elsewhere
UP Professor Solita Monsod (BusinessWorld): How to solve a problem like Jejomar Binay

Newsbreak: For most nat’l candidates, bailiwicks didn’t deliver


Personal
Still, Lakers! Believe.
‘Nuff said.

The Who
It happened during an out-of-town show. After the program, the cast and crew went swimming. Everyone had fun except for promising new actor who felt so uncomfortable because closet TV host (CTV) kept hitting on him. “Binakuran” – as one witness described it. Was CTV ‘successful?’ Sources say, na-ah. Bokya!

If you want to know the identity of the CTV, just ask Susan Sarandon and Helena Bonham Carter and they’ll surely respond in the affirmative. As for the promising actor, his name reminds us of one of the best presidents we never had.

Enjoy the rest of the week!





AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

9 06 2010


The Proclamation: A Postscript
In today’s proclamation ceremony at the House of Representatives, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile requested the families of both President-elect Noynoy Aquino and Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay to join the two winning candidates in front. People in the gallery knew that Noynoy’s sisters would be joining him, but others were guessing ‘which’ Binay family would come forward.

Even before the proclamation, Loren Legarda has conceded defeat to Jejomar Binay. But Legarda clarifies, she isn’t conceding yet to Noli De Castro.


Outgoing senator Mar Roxas, as we all know, is not about to concede the vice presidency to Jojo Binay. Unless Korina says so.

Sketchy reports say Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes might concede to Noynoy Aquino within the week. But the three losing presidential candidates swear they will never ever concede to Vetellano Acosta.

Ang Tweet Naman!
Noynoy Aquino and Jojo Binay were both proclaimed today. Would you like to know the thoughts of other political figures and celebrities about (and during) today’s event? Let’s hack into their Twitter accounts to find out! These were ‘allegedly’ posted between 2PM and 4PM.

Say_ChizEscudero Still here in the holding room. Okay na okay dito kasi may smoking area.
16 minutes ago via Twitterrific

James_YapMVP Sana pala tinapos ko muna ang game ng Boston at Lakers. Sabi kasi ni Babez, mabilis lang ang proclaimashon. Pero bakit ganito? Ang daming speech. Boring na boring na ‘ko.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

simplyNoynoy i forgot my Marlboro sa kotse. Pareng @Say_ChizEscudero, paiskor naman ng isang stick diyan.
14 minutes ago via Twitterrific

i_am_KrisAquino @James_YapMVP Babe, behave. Nag-usap na tayo ‘di ba? Andito sina Ate Viel at Kuya Dodo. Tsaka si Ate Pinky at Kuya Eldon. Nakakahiya kung aalis ka. ‘Di pa napu-proclaim si Kuya.
9 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone

JoseSixtoDantesIII Preparing for Senator Noy’s proclamation. Nope, Marian won’t be with me. Masama ang gising eh. Murahin ba naman ako kanina ng “put*ng-i*a!” Iniwan ko nga!
About two hours ago

Sen_Mar_Roxas This is not right. This is not just right. Ako ang dapat na nasa Batasan ngayon. Ako ang dapat na ipu-proklama!
5 minutes ago via TweetDeck

DinkySoliman I’m baaaack! Lolz!
About an hour ago

Rated_K B*llsh*t%ll#^s*h^465*&T@!! Buwisit! ^8$#%#u6#*!#0 Buwisit! Hon, nasaan ka ba? Sabi mo uuwi ka before two o’clock!
About 30 minutes ago via web

TheFirm @DinkySoliman Akala mo ikaw lang?! We’re back too! Happy days are here again! Lolz! LMAO!

BoyAbunda Can’t concentrate on the speeches. It’s so hot in here. But Dingdong Dantes is so much hotter. Kagwapong bata.
15 minutes ago via web

Sen_Mar_Roxas @Rated_K Hon, what did I tell you? Turn off the freakin’ television! I’ll be there in a while.
11 minutes ago via TweetDeck

Ogie_Songwriter @SongBird Here na ko sa Batasan. I’m flanked by Shalani and Ma’am Dinky Soliman. Will meet you at GMA Annex Bldg after the proclamation. Kailangang mag-rehearse. Talo na naman tayo ng ASAP last Sunday. Hugs!
4 minutes ago via web

NogralesINTHEHOUSE @maloumangahas_PCIJ pagkatapos nitong proclamation, mag-usap tayo. kailangang mag-usap tayo. or else…
8 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Having late lunch with Nanay. Instructed my sisters not to turn the TV or radio on while the proclamation is ongoing. Masasaktan lang ang matanda.
25 minutes ago via Tumblr

Rated_K @Sen_Mar_Roxas Nakakairita! Ang ingay ng mga naka-dilaw sa gallery. I’m sure, mga bayarang squatters ‘yan na hinakot sa Makati. Mga walang class!
6 minutes ago via web

TheRealLorenLegarda *Sigh* Al Gore has flown back to the US. ‘Di man lang kami nakapag-usap. @Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Hi to Nanay Curing. Did she like the orange duster I sent her last Monday?
18 minutes ago via Ping.fm

ka_joma_sison @KaSatur, @KaPaengMariano, @KaLizaMaza ikasa n’yo na ang pambansang kilos-protesta sa inauguration ng naghaharing uring noynoy na ‘yan! walang dapat sayanging sandali! ibagsak ang oligarkiya!
3 seconds ago via UberTwitter

JustJamby Is that Shalani Soledad beside Ogie Alcasid? Woot! Woot! Lakas ng dating niya pare! @ka_joma_sison ‘musta na po kayo? baka dumalaw ako diyan soon. regards to ka luis jalandoni
18 minutes ago via UberTwitter

comm_larrazabal seated near the aquinos and commissioner melo. naiilang ako. nakatitig lagi sa kin ‘yung friend ni kris na si paul cabral. aarrgh!
about 1 hour ago via HootSuite

Rated_K Those traitors in yellow are now chanting Noy-Bi! Noy-Bi! Eh ‘di inamin n’yo rin. Nanlaglag nga kayo noong eleksyon!
8 minutes ago via web

Say_ChizEscudero Mahirap nang patulan ang mga inggit at talunan. They have nothing to lose anyway.
25 minutes ago via txt

Rated_K @Say_ChizEscudero Ay, bakit may nagre-react? Wala naman akong binabanggit na pangalan ah.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Sen_Mar_Roxas Hon, sabi nang cool ka lang eh. We’re filing an election protest soon! @ButchAbad Aabot ba ng 800 thousand ang null votes ko? Kung hindi, baka magsasayang lang tayo ng oras?
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP @GaryOlivar please update me sha proclamashion gary. Shobrang lamig pala dito sa Shanghai. Feeling ko magkaka-shakit ako. Diretsho na muna ko sha Lubao pag-uwi. Bahala na kayo sa palashyo huh.
15 minutes ago via web

Rated_K Yuckkkk. Mula anak hanggang apo, maitim. Ang lakas ng loob na idisplay sa Batasan ang buong pamilya! ‘Di naman kagandahan ang lahi! Hmpf! Makapag-pa-facial na nga lang! Sayang ang oras ko sa mga traydor!
13 minutes ago via web

Rgcruz_ABSCBN @tjmanotoc and @KIKOpangilinan are you guys on Twitter now? I heard my babaeng nagwawala. Mad na mad raw habang nanonood ng proclamation. True ba?
About 1hour ago via Tumblr

tjmanotoc @Rgcruz_ABSCBN No comment. I really don’t want to get into trouble again. Ask mo na lang si @ConradDQuiros_PDI
About 30 minutes ago via web

GMA_RP Ganung kabilish? Eh bakit ‘yung proklamashyon ko, inabot ng alas-dose ng hatinggabi? @GaryOlivar Ma’am, tapos na po ang proclamation. Kaninang 4o’clock pa na-proklama ang dalawa.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

ConradDQuiros_PDI @tjmanotoc and @Rgcruz_ABSCBN Even here in Twitter, there’s an ongoing clash between good and evil. ‘Nuff said. @simplyNoynoy Congratulations! May the force be with you until 2016!
7 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

GuidoDelgado_lovesNP just received a copy of a psychiatric report. this is revealing. will send copies to the media after the proclamation.

James_YapMVP @i_am_KrisAquino Babez, mauna na ‘ko. Hinahanap na raw ako ni Josh. MagDo-DotA pa kami. Love you babez.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

QuiboloyOnline Congratulations to our new president. Sasabihin ko na ang totoo. Ikaw talaga ang lumabas sa vision ko before the elections. Kaya lang, ‘di kita type.
half a minute ago via API

MannyVPangilinan Here’s my unsolicited advice to our new president. Noy, it is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.
About 30 minutes ago via web

ANC_RickyCarandang @MannyVPangilinan sir, i think the advice u gave noynoy wasn’t original. That’s a quote from Nelson Mandela. You must apologize!
2 minutes ago via UberTwitter

mannypacmanpacquiao Watch up? ‘Muzta kau jan sa ating bansa? Ditu kami ni Jinkee sa Mixicu with Bob Arum. Rigards sa inyung lahat jan sa Batasan. Kay Paring Nuynuy, kungratz! Basta, pasalamat ka lang lagi kay Lord. ‘Tsaka, kaya mo ‘yan. Gudlak. At lagi kayong manood ni Shalani ng Pinuy Rikurds! Hehehe Juk lang!
1 minute ago via web

joeySalceda_of_albay Bonggang-bongga ang proclamation ni Noy! Winner! At nang dumating si Dingdong, naloka ang mga utaw! As in! I’m sure, bobongga rin ang ating ekonomiya! @dantonremoto naku naman professor, baka maunahan ka pa ni noynoy dito, nakakahiya. so fly ka na here sa resto! lafanggerzz ever! now na!
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP thanks for the updates @GaryOlivar! i am starting to love shanghai, china. ooops, gtg. naghihintay na shi mike. mag-go-golf muna kami. and don’t worry gary, hindi namin kashama ang mag-ashawang jose at gina de venecia. nandiyan shila sha batashan. so it’s safe. ‘noh?
——————————–
“The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.”
~James Garfield

The Final Tally

(Note: Vetellano Acosta got 181,985 votes/Courtesy of ABS-CBN News)

Survey Says
Should ‘sex education’ be taught in grade school?
Absolutely! 64%
No way! 24%
Hmmm, i’ll think about it. 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
And just like that, the Los Angeles Lakers have regained homecourt advantage. We’re wrapping up the series in 6! Wohoo!

For updates and more insane posts, follow me on Twitter.





MEMOIRS

7 06 2010


Erap Quitting Politics?
Former president Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN News he’s quitting politics soon. Estrada first entertained the thought of abandoning politics when Jejomar Binay abandoned him in the last elections.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada is leaving politics soon. Sought for comment, politics said the ‘parting’ was amicable.

Interviewed by ABS-CBN News, former president Joseph Estrada said he’s planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood… meaning, the book will start from the time he became president.

Former president Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN News that he is planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood until his 2010 re-election bid. Erap reveals some 15 to 25 pages of his book will be blank. Asked why, he replied, “Siyempre, nakakulong ako ‘no! Paano ako makapagsusulat? Gago!”

Losing presidential reelectionist Joseph Estrada is reportedly writing a book about his life. This early, it is expected to top the list of best-selling Coloring Books.

ABS-CBN News says former president Joseph Estrada is planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood. The first line of the book will be, “Baa baa black sheep…”

Ex-president Joseph Estrada is reportedly planning to write a book about his life. He says the book will not be self-serving and will also highlight his political mistakes. At least now, we already know half of the book’s content!

Losing presidential reelectionist Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN that he plans to write a book about his life and he’s going to call it “Memoirs: The Life and Loves of Erap.” The first page will be about his life; the rest, about his ‘loves.’

Former president Joseph Estrada plans to write a book about his life and he wants to call it “Memoirs: The Life and Loves of Erap.” Erap says the title is not yet final because he’s having a hard time pronouncing ‘memoirs.’

Joseph Estrada is reportedly writing a book about his life starting from childhood. Rumors say he is looking forward to ‘book signing’ sessions. In fact, this early, he’s been practicing how to sign ‘Jose Velarde’ again.

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say defeated presidential candidate Manny Villar is writing a book too. It will be about the recent May 10, 2010 elections, and will be titled, “Bad Memoirs.”

In Other News…
On Wednesday, June 9, both Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay will be proclaimed president and vice president, respectively. If Mar Roxas concedes to Binay on or before Wednesday, he’ll be proclaimed a ‘martyr.’

GMA Off to China
On Tuesday, June 8, President Arroyo is going to China. Proponents of the Freedom of Information bill are encouraged to wait for President Arroyo’s entourage at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport because there might just be a quorum.
————-
“Memoirs are a well-known form of fiction.”
~Frank Harris

Survey Says
Should the VP votes that were allegedly “not counted” by some PCOS machines be counted manually by Congress as suggested by the Roxas camp?
DAPAT LANG para lumabas ang tunay na boses ng bayan! 40%
HINDI! Tapusin na ang canvassing ‘tsaka sila mag-protesta! 53%
Ano ‘yong issue? ‘Di ko na-follow ang news eh. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism:In 14 years, Speaker grows wealth from P6.5M to P88M

Philippine Star columnist Federico Pascual is furious: My being PNOC director: Another Lopez ‘kuryente’; ABS-CBN apologizes

Enjoy the rest of the week!





HACKED!

22 03 2010


Harapan: The VP Debate
Did you watch Sunday night’s vice presidential debate organized by ABS-CBN? At one point, Loren Legarda asked Mar Roxas why he kept shifting allegiances. Viewers were shocked to hear that from Loren. For a moment, they thought Jay Sonza would then be mocking Jejomar Binay for being dark-skinned.

Erap vs. MILF
The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has endorsed a “fatwa” against former president Joseph Estrada and declared him “an enemy of Islam.” The MILF took its cue from the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, which declared Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral an enemy of Catholicism.

Loud Thud
You’ve heard the news about the death of the son of TV host Toni Rose Gayda, right? Reports say neighbors heard a loud thud when Edward James Gayda Lim fell from the veranda of their condo unit last Friday. How about the latest Pulse Asia trust survey? Heard about it? Reports say neigbors of presidential bet Manny Villar heard a loud thud too.


Pacquiao and the President
After attending mass in Quiapo, Manny Pacquiao went to Malacañang and paid a courtesty call on President Arroyo. For years, the pound-for-pound king and the president have become really good friends. They share the same passion for boxing. They have the same work ethic. And they support the same presidential candidate.

Hacked!
Sen. Manny Villar’s official website was reportedly hacked. A blog entry titled “Hacked by Kris Aquino” was posted on http://www.mannyvillar.com.ph. Kris vows to issue a statement as soon as her Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, and Ate Viel advise her on the matter.

Top 5 Signs that Sen. Manny Villar’s Official Website Has Been Hacked

No. 5: Every time you click his profile, you automatically win a house and lot.

No. 4: Visitors of his website report getting not just viruses but leptospirosis

No. 3: When you try to leave a message in the comments section, the site requires you to log in your name, e-mail address, and favorite ‘Kris Aquino’ moment.

No. 2: Each time you access the site, you get an annoying pop-up that says: “Jamby Madrigal was here!”

And the No. 1 sign that Sen. Manny Villar’s official website has been hacked…

When you open the website, you are automatically redirected to C-5 road.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng tao sa larawan?
A: “Hmmm, napaisip ako ah. What if totohanin ko na lang ang tsismis na si Villar ang kandidato namin ni Mike? Teka….”
B: “Kakaiba na ‘tong pose ko huh! Kapag ‘di pa naman ako na-feature sha blog ni Professional Heckler, ewan ko na lang!”
C: “Paano nga kaya kung magka-failure of elections? Congresswoman na… presidente pa! Exciting!”
D: “Hello? Midas? Kumusta na ang botohan ng mga mahistrado? Are they allowing me to appoint a new Chief Justice? Will I get a unanimous vote?”


Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-orange sa larawan?
A: “Mga two years pa, pwede mo na ‘yang turuang lumangoy sa dagat ng basura!”
B: “Nene, gusto mo bang umappear sa susunod kong commercial?”
C: “Bibigyan ko ng beinte pesos ‘tong bata pero ‘wag mo munang kukunin huh, may camera sa paligid. Election offense ‘yan.”
D: “O, bakit nakadilaw si Nene? Iuwi mo muna at palitan ng damit na orange! Dali!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng (mga) tao sa larawan?
A: “Ito ba ‘yon? Ito ba ‘yung batang nakadilaw nang dumaan si Villar kanina? Bakit naka-white? Iuwi mo muna. Palitan mo ng green!”
B: “Hoy Nene… ‘wag na ‘wag ko lang mababalitaang naliligo ka sa dagat ng basura okay? Kung hindi, idedemanda ko ‘yang nanay mo!”
C: “Pakisabi sa sa tatay mo, ‘wag maniniwala sa surveys! Kahit ‘ka mo si Noynoy, duda rin sa mga surveys.”
D: “Kung makatingin naman ‘tong batang ‘to, parang nakakita ng ‘walang utang na loob na pamangkin.’ Hmpf!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Settle down people, settle down. Hindi ako aalis ng ‘The Buzz’ ok? Hello??? Ano ako tanga? Free airtime din ‘yon sa campaign ni Noy ‘no?”
B: “Alam n’yo po, you’re so bad. Bakit ang layo-layo n’yo? Hindi po air-borne ang STD! ‘Tsaka, gosh! That was so history. Nag-move on na ako at nag-move on na si Joey! Well, I admit, I still keep that fire-retardant pillow.Ha-ha-ha!”
C: “Ready na kayo? Unahan ‘to huh. Walang tulakan. Game? Bring Me… a photo of that girl Mayen Austria! Now na!”
D: “I can’t hear you guys. Lakasan n’yo naman! Gusto n’yo ba ‘kong maging First Lady?”

————————
“If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he’ll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.”
~Jamie Zawinski

Survey Says
On the Supreme Court’s decision allowing President Arroyo to appoint the next SC Chief Justice. Your take:
That’s fine. No problem. 26%
I totally disagree! 69%
Sorry, ‘di ko alam ang isyu. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





3 03 2010


March 3rd
On this date in…

0468: Pope Saint Simplicius succeeds Catholic Pope Hilarius. Catholics loved Simplicius but they had much more fun when Pope Outrageous replaced him.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Minutes later, the US president sends a Facebook message to the Arabian president saying, “Can I add you as a friend?”

1992: President Bush makes a public apology for raising taxes after promising not to. Again, that’s George Bush not Noynoy Aquino.

1995: Camilla Parker Bowles & her husband Andrew divorce. Camilla then patiently waits for Princess Diana’s death.

2001: Voting 13-0, the Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, NOT Joseph Estrada. They didn’t have much of a choice, did they?

2005: American Steve Stephen Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo. Today, a Filipino is attempting to duplicate that feat: flying solo, nonstop. His name? Panfilo Lacson.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, AnyDayInHistory, and Wikipedia.
———————–
Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin on Conrado De Quiros, Cory Aquino and Ferdinand Marcos. Meh ganun palang kwento. Now i know.





GIBÔ AND PUNO

17 09 2009

gibo_puno
I’VE HEARD people say that the tandem of Gilbert Teodoro and Ronaldo Puno will have a hard time catching up with the survey frontrunners. So how can they figure more prominently in the next survey? Here’s how.

Questionnaire No. 1200: September 19, 2009
Magandang umaga po. Kami po ang pinagsanib na puwersa ng Sssh W. Sssh (SWS) at Fools Asia. Nais lang po naming alamin ang inyong pananaw hinggil sa darating na halalan. Sa pamamagitan po nito ay matutukoy natin ang posibleng magwaging pangulo at pangalawang pangulo na manunungkulan mula 2010 hanggang 2016 (o higit pa, depende sa resulta ng isusulong nilang pagbabago sa Saligang Batas).

Tinitiyak po naming magiging lihim ang inyong mga sagot at tanging ang mga kinatawan lamang ng SWS, Fools Asia, at ng grupong kumumisyon sa survey ang makakabasa nito.

Bilang pagpapahalaga sa tinatawag na transparency, ang pag-aaral na ito ay pinondohan ng Partido Lakas CMD-Kampi o Palaka.

Panuto: Ikulong sa isang trapezoid (hindi bilog, hindi square… trapezoid!) ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong piniling kasagutan.

1: Aling partido ang susuportahan mo sa darating na halalan?
A: Partido ng administrasyon
B: Partido Lakas CMD-Kampi
C: Partido ni Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

2: Sa pangkalahatan, anong klaseng pangulo ang nais mong iboto?
A: Nanungkulan bilang Defense Secretary
B: Paboritong pamangkin ni Danding
C: Bar topnotcher

3: Sa pangkalahatan, anong klaseng pangalawang pangulo ang nais mong iboto?
A: Nanungkulan bilang kalihim ng DILG
B: Nagtrabaho upang matiyak ang pagkatalo ni Miriam Defensor-Santiago noong 1992
C: Naging political operator nina Ramos, Estrada, at Arroyo

4: Kung mananalo sina Gilbert Teodoro at Ronaldo Puno, at susumpa silang ipapakulong si Mikey Arroyo sa unang taon ng kanilang panunungkulan, iboboto mo ba sila?
A: Oo.
B: Why not?
C: Of course!

5: Sa mga patalastas ng mga pulitikong tatakbo sa halalang pampanguluhan, alin ang pinakagusto mo?
A: ‘Yong tungkol sa paghahanda sa sakuna o emergency preparedness
B: ‘Yong nagbibigay ng tips tungkol sa bagyo
C: Oo, ‘yun nga!

6: Sa mga patalastas ng mga pulitikong posibleng tumakbo sa pagkapangalawang pangulo, alin ang pinakagusto mo?
A: ‘Yong may bata sa ilalim ng puno kasama ang isang mamang makapal ang make up
B: ‘Yong pulis na may bagong batuta, bagong sapatos, at bagong chapa
C: Both

7: Ayon sa mga naunang survey, sina Noynoy Aquino, Manny Villar, at Joseph Estrada ang Top 3 picks ng mga respondents sa pagkapangulo. Ano ang masasabi mo?
A: Weh?!
B: Kalokohan ‘yan!
C: Bolahin mo ang kuya mong panot!

8: Anong katangian ng kandidato sa pagkapangulo ang ayaw na ayaw mo?
A: ‘Yung dinodoble ang pondo para sa C5 road project
B: ‘Yong na-convict dahil sa pandarambong!
C: ‘Yong dating congressman na isa sa legislative achievements ay ang paghahain ng panukalang batas na naglalayong ideklara as a special non-working holiday ang April 19 ng bawat taon sa lungsod ng Tarlac bilang pagdiriwang ng Tarlac City Day

9: Fertilizer fund scam, NBN ZTE deal, Macapagal Boulevard project, Northrail Project, the Jose Pidal accounts, Le Cirque dinner, Hello Garci controversy. Anu-ano ang mga ito?
A: Malay ko!
B: Absent ako sa school nang ituro ‘yan.
C: Whateverrr!

10: Kung ang bilangan ay kailangang dayain upang sina Gibô at Puno ay papanalunin, papayag ka ba?
A: Anytime!
B: Go! Go! Go! Todo na ‘to mga friends!
C: Sure! Magkano?

—-Hanggang dito na lamang ang mga tanong. Wala nang kasunod.—-

Paalala: Ang sobre ng pasasalamat sa paglahok n’yo sa survey na ito ay inyong matatanggap labinlimang araw matapos maisapubliko sa mga pahayagan, radyo, telebisyon, at Internet ang resulta ng pag-aaral.

Maraming salamat sa inyong oras at laging tandaan, ang inyong ginawa ay para sa ating bayan.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

___________________
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~ French Proverb





PLANS

13 08 2009

noysisses
Noynoy in 2010
Sen. Noynoy Aquino says his sisters Pinky and Viel do not want him to run either for president or vice president in 2010. Noynoy clarifies though that neither Pinky nor Viel will decide for him. It will be Josh.

shalani Noynoy’s Girl
Sen. Noynoy Aquino has finally admitted that he has a girlfriend. For a change, the new girl is neither a newscaster nor a bold star.

Recto Resigns
Socioeconomic Planning Secretary Ralph Recto has resigned his post effective August 16. Batangueños are rejoicing. Finally, they can have their governor back.

ABS-CBN’s Profit
ABS-CBN reported a 12 percent growth in airtime revenues for the second quarter of 2009. With this positive development, Gabby Lopez has promised to hire better writers and researchers for the network’s documentary programs.

kobe-bryant_nba_la-lakers Postscript to Kobe’s Visit
According to recent gossip columns, when NBA superstar Kobe Bryant visited RP last month, he had dinner with starlet Michelle Madrigal in a posh restaurant in Makati City… to which Press Secretary Cerge Remonde said, “So?! It’s just a simple late-night dinner! Not a single centavo of taxpayers’ money was spent!”

Light Bites
Philippine Star columnist William Esposo emailed me this joke:

Ninoy Aquino: “The Filipino is worth dying for.”

Cory Aquino: “The Filipino is worth living for.”

Gloria Arroyo: “The Filipino is worth dining for.”

And if I may add more …

Sen. Mar Roxas: “The Filipino is worth biking for.”

Joseph Estrada: “The Filipino is worth drinking for.”

Sen. Manuel Villar: “The Filipino is worth inserting for.”

Sen. Mar Roxas 2: “The Filipino is worth cursing for.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “The Filipino is worth killing for.”

Pampanga Gov. Ed Panlilio: “The Filipino is worth quarrying for.”

Lilia Pineda: “The Filipino is worth jueteng for.”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “The Filipino is worth… half of my inheritance.”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “The Filipino is worth… a thousand words.”

________
“Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.”
~George Bernard Shaw





NOTES ON A SONA

28 07 2009

sona
GMA’s 9th State of the Nation Address
The good news is… President Arroyo stated in her State of the Nation Address that her term would end in June 2010. The bad news is… that speech was first drafted last December 30, Rizal Day.

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the president’s State of the Nation Address lasted 57 minutes & 33 seconds. That’s 50 minutes of applause, 7 minutes of critic-lashing, and 33 seconds of accomplishments.

Reports say the president’s State of the Nation Address was interrupted 126 times by applause… and at least three times when she checked on her chest for any leaks.

sona3
At one point during her address, President Arroyo acknowledged the presence of Tarnati Dannawi, a Badjao who was taught modern fish farming; he earned 180,000 pesos in one year. She then acknowledged the presence of Lito Lapid, a Kapampangan, who was taught lawmaking; he earned earned 1 billion pesos in five years.

In an apparent dig at Sen. Mar Roxas, the president said, “If you really want something done… don’t pussyfoot… don’t pander.” GMA’s allies in the gallery applauded… except for senators Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla who had to look up the words “pussyfoot” and “pander” in the dictionary.

Reacting to GMA’s tirades, Sen. Mar Roxas said “Hindi ko pinapansin ang mga ganyang banat. Ang pinapansin ko lang ay ang hinaing ng ating mga kababayan” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “Talaga? Sige nga… mamigay ka ng anim na bahay.”

Taking swipe at former president Joseph Estrada whom she granted executive clemency, Mrs. Arroyo said, “Those who live in glass houses should cast no stones. Those who should be in jail should not threaten it, especially if they have been there.” An irate Estrada told the press, “Eh tanga pala siya eh. Semento kaya ang bahay ko!”

sonafries
SONA Fashion
Just when we thought KFC’s recent offering was the biggest… came President Arroyo’s SONA attire. Extra Large Bucket of Fries, anyone?

sona_fashion2 Sen. Jamby Madrigal described her new gown as a “modified Maria Clara.” Just like her.

Loren_back Presidential wannabe Loren Legarda recycled her outfit – a year-old fuchsia gown by designer Paul Cabral that bared her back- or as opposition stalwarts Ernie Maceda and John Osmeña would call it – backless.

Light Bites
Q: What did Mike Arroyo say when he saw Loren Legarda during GMA’s SONA?
A: Back Off!

Philippines Aquino In Other News…
Former president Cory Aquino’s cancer has reportedly spread. The cancer is spreading so rapidly… even Noynoy Aquino has lost all his hair.

Mass for Cory
Manila City Hall continues its series of healing mass for former President Corazon Aquino. But starting today, former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna will not be invited.
__________
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya cries censorship.

What’s more odd than a former Immigration official who eats death threats for breakfast? An ex-president who eats human flesh for dinner! Check this out.

Survey Says…
Who is the most credible among these veteran radio commentators:
Mike Enriquez: 35%
Joe Taruc: 26%
Ted Failon: 24%
Arnold Clavio: 7%
Rey Langit: 5%
Jake Maderazo: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





JOSE RIZAL IN THE TIME OF FACEBOOK, GLORIA & HANNAH MONTANA

19 06 2009

rizal
José Protasio Rizal Mercado y Alonso Realonda
June 19, 1861 – December 30, 1896

Top 10 (Im)Possible Headlines If Jose Rizal Were Still Alive Today

No. 10
“Living legend” baffles gerontologists, geneticists;
Jose Rizal turns 148 today!

No. 9
Rizal rejects 100million peso offer to endorse Belo Medical Clinic

No. 8
Oldest Filipino to marry former broadcaster;
Jose Rizal sets altar date with Loren Legarda

No. 7
Filipino centenarian topples JK Rowling, Stephenie Meyer
in The New York Times Best Seller list

No. 6
President Arroyo, Jose Rizal to lead Independence Day rites
at the Bonifacio Monument in Luneta

No. 5
Pinoy Methuselah attracts 5 million Twitter followers in just 24 hours;
JoseRizal.Ph tops Google in latest Alexa traffic ranking

No. 4
Hitler scion claims Rizal is his great great grandfather;
seeks financial support from revered Filipino icon

No. 3
Senators, congressmen agree to conduct joint hearing on Rizal’s “immortality;”
Doctors, arbularyos, drug companies, bishops invited as resource persons

No. 2
Ten million-strong Rizalistas commit to bloc voting in 2010;
presidential hopefuls seek endorsement of supreme leader

And the No. 1 (im)possible headline if Jose Rizal were still alive today…

After Noli and Fili:
Rizal writes two new books on oppression, corruption, and revolution
“Glori” and “Mikee” to hit the stands Friday

Elsewhere…
I just discovered (and I may be late. Still, thanks to Newsweek) the newest search engine. Wolfram|Alpha describes itself as “the computational knowledge engine.” How interesting is this search engine? Let’s say, you ask how old was Megan Fox or Kobe Bryant when the 9/11 attacks happened, or what is the date of the next total solar eclipse visible from Paris, or what countries have the highest unemployment rate? Wolfram|Alpha will give you the exact answer(s). Try it. It’s fun. Here’s the link.

Enjoy your weekend!





SIMPLY AMAZING

3 05 2009

pac-hat1
Pacquiao Dominates Hatton
Filipino icon Manny Pacquiao knocked out Briton champ Ricky Hatton in Round 2 of their multi-million dollar slugfest at the MGM Grand Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada. The fight was so lopsided Hatton spent more time on the floor than on his feet.

Manny Pacquiao scored a technical knock out against British boxer Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. That was the fastest thing Pacquiao has done since leaving and re-signing with Solar Sports.

Manny Pacquiao posted his 49th career win when he finished off Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Korina’s reply to Mar Roxas’ question “Do you want to be my first lady?” She answered, “Yes!” in two seconds.

Pacquiao Hatton Boxing Manny Pacquiao decked Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. The only thing faster was Daniel Smith’s departure when the Court of Appeals acquitted him of rape.

Manny Pacquiao finished off Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Manny Villar’s denial that he sought two budget allocations for the same C5 road project.

Manny Pacquiao ended his bout with Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yes, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Ping Lacson’s decision on the ethics complaint against Manny Villar.

pac-hat3
Manny Pacquiao demolished Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was how bad karma struck the now cancer-stricken Legacy founder Celso De Los Angeles.

Manny Pacquiao ended his bout with Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Ted Failon’s instruction to his maids to clean up their house when his wife allegedly killed herself.

Manny Pacquiao felled Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was ABS-CBN’s acquittal of Ted Failon on his wife’s mysterious death.

pac-hatoom Did you catch Sir Tom Jones when he sang Britain’s national anthem “God Save the Queen?” Before the first round could even finish, he was heard singing “God Save Hatton.”

pac-hat2
Reports say Metro Manila was almost crime free during the Pacquiao-Hatton bout. The only unlawful acts committed were even seen on TV – the premature electioneering of Villar, Roxas, Lacson, Binay, Legarda, and if you noticed during the bout’s telecast: Teves, Teodoro, and Genuino.

pac-hatdionisa Pacquiao’s mother, Aling Dionisia was in Las Vegas, Nevada during her son’s fight. But the religious mom refused to watch the bout at ringside… because the MGM Grand Arena was charging extra for the Sto. Niño.

pac-hat6_tv The Pacquiao-Hatton fight was officially over before 12 noon. But GMA 7’s telecast ended at 3pm… fueling speculations that the Kapuso network was in a different time zone.

Computer statistics showed that Manny Pacquiao landed 73 of 127 punches, while Hatton made 18 of 78. GMA 7 fared better because it was able to air 150 of the 152 scheduled 30-second TV ads.

pacquiao_clinton Former US President Bill Clinton who visited Pacquiao in the latter’s hotel suite two days before the fight was equally stunned by Pacquiao’s superb punch that felled Hatton. It was the most powerful punch Clinton has seen in years… next only to Hilary’s.

Pacquiao Hatton Boxing
Top 5 Reasons Why Manny Pacquiao Ended the Fight So Quickly

No. 5: He caught Annabelle Rama and GMA executive Wilma Galvante trading dagger looks at ringside. He wanted to prevent a catfight.

No. 4: The next best thing to “rumble” is to gamble. Off to the casino baby!

No 3: ABS-CBN lawyers and Dyan Castillejo were waiting in his locker room. They have a more lucrative offer.

No. 2: So that dozens of Filipino solons in Vegas could go home early and do their freakin’ job!

And the No.1 reason why Manny Pacquiao ended the fight quickly…

He’s fast tracking his retirement. Eleksyon naaaaaaaa!

Postscript
Pacquiao’s demolition of Hatton prompted President GMA on Sunday to declare a “national day of celebration” to honor the feat. Meanwhile, the other GMA, GMA Network that is, declared Sunday a “national day of tv commercials.”

A Royal Call
Did you know that… shortly after Manny Pacquiao’s demolition of England’s Ricky Hatton, Queen Elizabeth was on the phone talking to the People’s Champ? Initially, she couldn’t say a word. And he barely understood her. But people around Queen Elizabeth described her as very happy. Seconds later, she started crying, and that broke Pacquiao’s heart. He terribly missed his youngest daughter – Queen Elizabeth.

And pirated videos of the Pacquiao-Hatton fight have started to sprout in Quiapo. But we warn you: it is a bit more expensive mainly because the total running time is five hours – including commercials!

Check out this YouTube clip featuring the Visayan Hatton.

Light Bites

Q: What is black and blue, and white all over?
A: A British boxer down on the canvas

Q: What is blue, plastic, has three wheels and induces vomiting?
A: A senator on a pedicab

Q: What is blue, plastic, and gets wet on high temperature
A: A senator crying on a noontime show

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician and a really bad lawyer?
A: Two congressmen and a low-key Atenean

Q: What do you get when you cross an intoxicated politician and a physician for the third time?
A: A gay son

Q: What do you get when you cross a soldier and a badminton enthusiast for the second time?
A: A lesbian

Q: What do you get when you cross a French-speaking housewife and a brilliant politician for the fifth time?
A: A tactless blabbermouth

Q: What do you get when you cross an over-ambitious beauty queen and a one-time murder suspect?
A: Martial Law.

_________
“Boxing is a sport at its most brutal, most primitive, and most natural. Two men defending their honor and courage, in a ring surrounded by observers, whose love for the sport is essentially spiritual. Boxing is the last refuge of the modern day warrior.”
~ THOMAS DONELSON, Viewing Boxing from Ringside








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