IMPARTIAL AND OFFICIAL

11 05 2010


May 11, 2010
Makati City

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

I congratulate Sen. Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III on his victory.

I accept the will of the people.

I encourage every Filipino to work side-by-side with our new president… with the exception of those who are allergic to second hand smoke.

I would like to thank the readers of this blog who volunteered to disseminate the information that I maintain a Twitter account. I may have failed to update my blog on Election Day but people were able to monitor my activities by following me on Twitter.

Today, I concede. Yes, I concede that Noynoy Aquino is a more entertaining subject than Manuel Villar Jr., Joseph Estrada, or any other presidential candidates.

His victory is just the beginning. There’s so much work to do. There’s a lot of Noynoyisms to write about.

Let us celebrate democracy and let the heckling flourish even more under his administration.

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

Signed:

The Professional Heckler

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In the news today…
Conceding defeat to Noynoy Aquino, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. apologized to the people whom he may have hurt during the campaign. He apologized to his opponents, to their supporters, and to his critics. He didn’t say though when is he going to apologize to his mother.

Speaking before the press Tuesday morning, Manny Villar conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. In accepting his sorry loss, Villar vowed to support the Aquino administration… by not releasing any psychiatric reports anymore.

Sen. Manny Villar has conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. There’s no word yet though if Willie Revillame is also conceding defeat to Jobert Sucaldito.

Gordon and JC, Too
Reports say Sen. Richard Gordon was the third presidential candidate to concede defeat. That’s according to news reports. But according to SWS and Pulse Asia, he’s the sixth candidate to do so.

At press time, Sen. Jamby Madrigal is in 8th place in the presidential race. But the feisty senator is not about to concede defeat saying, “Hindi ako kumakain ng pride.”

Trailing his eight rivals in the official counting, Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has also conceded defeat. K.


Gilbert Throws in the Towel
Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro has conceded defeat to his second cousin, Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Unfortunately for Gilbert, he failed to make it work. I mean, “Mind over mother.”

In accepting his defeat, administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro said, “I did not fight for a political position for myself but for an idea. Winning or losing is secondary. We fight for an idea.” Monitoring Gibô on ANC, Noynoy Aquino inexplicably had a nosebleed.

Administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro lost the presidency. Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s “God” lost its credibility. Boo!

Mar and Binay
Jejomar Binay is reportedly winning the race for vice president despite getting junked by the INC; snubbed by Quiboloy, and dumped by his own running mate. Now that’s what you call ‘failure of rejection.’

Outgoing Makati City Jejomar Binay looks headed for an upset win over Sen. Mar Roxas. Sought for comment, Roxas said, “Masakit. Para akong tinadyakan ng dark horse.”

As Jejomar Binay leads the counting for vice president, Noynoy Aquino denies reports that some Liberal Party stalwarts have started to abandon his running mate, Mar Roxas. Dissatisfied with Noynoy’s denial, Joey Salceda suggested a loyalty check.

Ex-presidential contender turned vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is losing his bid for the vice presidency… making ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez the leading candidate for ex-future Second Lady.

Partial, unofficial tally shows Sen. Mar Roxas is trailing Jejomar Binay in the vice presidential race. When he saw the partial results in the news, Roxas said, “Basta! Alam ko na kung sino ang hindi ko isasama sa repeat concert ng Tears for Fears!”

Erap and Binay
Videos and photos have revealed that Joseph Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate. But Estrada’s running mate, Jejomar Binay was unfazed by the reported alleged rejection. After all, he’s got his ‘other’ president.

Noynoy Wins
Results of the partial, unofficial count show that Sen. Noynoy Aquino has won the presidency. Finally, he’s got something to write under the column “Achievements” on his curriculum vitaé.

Noynoy Aquino has confirmed reports that Dinky Soliman has accepted his offer to become DSWD secretary. Aquino has earlier vowed to reward Soliman with a cabinet post on condition that she won’t sing “If We Hold On (Together)” again.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Natatandaan mo pa ba noong magpunta tayo minsan sa isang girlie joint doon sa QC? Sinundan pala ako ng Tita Ellen Binay mo. ‘Buti na lang, madilim sa kuwarto. Hindi ako nakita!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Pati ba naman ‘yun natandaan n’yo pa? Para tuloy gusto kong bumalik.”

B: “Sa tingin mo ‘Noy, iinterviewhin pa kaya ako ni Korina kapag bumalik siya sa DZMM?”

“Ha-ha-ha! Kabahan ka na Manong! Pero ‘wag ako ang tanungin mo d’yan. ‘The Buzz’ lang at ‘SNN’ ang hawak ko.”

C: “Puwede bang maghati tayo ng term? First three years, ikaw ang presidente, ako ang bise. ‘Tapos, last three years, ako naman ang presidente at ikaw ang bise. Sige na, pumayag ka na. Subok lang!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Nautot naman ako sa sinabi n’yo. Tanungin ko muna ang Pink Sisters.”

D: “Nagbabasa ka ba ng column ni Conrado De Quiros ng Inquirer? Paborito ka no’n! You think, magugustuhan n’ya rin ako?”

“Oo naman! Kayo pa!? Alam n’yo bang mahilig sa analogy ng ‘good & evil’ si De Quiros? Eksakto! Good ako. Evil kayo! I luveeeet!”
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Note: This is just a partial dose of my post-elections report. The results from the local voting are next. Plus, a special article on our new president.
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Battle of the Networks
Did you see GMA News’ use of a “hologram” in their election coverage? Award-winning journalist Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But the feat didn’t impress Noynoy Aquino that much saying he’s seen the same stuff in his favorite PC games.

Howie Severino became the first Filipino journalist to be beamed on live TV in “a hologram” – or as Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would describe it, “a vision.”

GMA News and Public Affairs ushered in a first on Philippine television. Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But rumors say it wasn’t really Howie but his boss, Jessica Soho who was supposed to be beamed first during the coverage. There wasn’t just enough ‘beam’ to make it possible.


How about ABS-CBN’s high-tech equipment? Did you see the huge Philippine map that was projected right in front of the news anchor? Viewers were treated to a rare spectacle when some of the islands on the map started to disappear on live TV – during high tide!

ABS-CBN’s comprehensive coverage of the May 2010 elections utilized a new broadcast technology called “augmented reality,” which combines computer-generated imagery in live-video streams as a way to expand the real-world. Or as Lito Lapid would say, “Higanteng touch screen lang ‘yan!”

Finally… another rumor has it GMA News was not the first news organization to use the idea of “a hologram” to make it appear that a news person is actually there in person while fellow news persons pretend to be in awe while talking to her. That’s exactly what happens every time Korina Sanchez drops by the ABS-CBN Newsroom.
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“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~ Marilyn vos Savant

Survey Says
Neck-and-neck ang labanan. Kung dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-bise presidente, sino ang iboboto mo?
Jejomar BINAY 28%
Mar ROXAS 48%
Wala! Ayoko sa kanilang dalawa! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





AND MY VOTE GOES TO…

9 05 2010


FIRST OF ALL, congratulations to all of us, to every Filipino for being the luckiest people in the world – during elections. We probably have the most number of countrymen who wanted to ‘serve’ us.

The funny thing was, all of them promised, within six years, to accomplish two major things that even God has failed to do in two billion years: ending poverty and stamping out corruption. Cute!

The historic automated general election takes place Monday, May 10. Yes, it’s now happening. We all survived several months of mudslinging, unbelievable pitches, excruciating political ads, unprecedented spending, malfunctioning PCOS machines, psychiatric reports, and Nanay Curing.

But was it all worth it?

As we prepare to vote, let us review the events of the past five months and hand out some trophies to the best and the worst of this year’s elections.

For some of the categories, there will be a winner and a runner-up. Again, you must remember, the role of the runner-up is very crucial. If, for any reason, the winner declines the award, the trophy will be forcibly given to the runner-up. Are you ready?

The winners, in no particular significance are:

“Nagulat Kayo ‘Noh?” Award
Winner: Iglesia ni Cristo
Think American Idol 2009. Manny Villar was the Adam Lambert to Noynoy Aquino’s Kris Allen and INC represented the voting public. It was all Adam from Episode 1 to the final performance night. And then came the shocker at the finalé: the public voted for Kris. Unfortunately for Villar, this is not a singing tilt, and the INC is not voting for a second placer.
Runner-up: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A week after gathering his Lakas party mates for a loyalty check, he abandoned them. Nakakaloka! Apparently, Noynoy Aquino is a believer of Joey Salceda so he made an offer Joey couldn’t refuse. Ang haba ng hair mo girl!

“If You Can’t Beat Them, Sue Them!” Award
Winner: Sen. Richard Gordon
This just in! A survey conducted in the Gordon household revealed that Richard Gordon was the top choice of cooks, nannies, and drivers for president. The gardener who conducted the survey is now facing a lawsuit from the Bagumbayan standard-bearer.

“Peke ng Ina Mo ” Award
Winner: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the fake psych evaluation report
Two reasons why the ‘mentallly-challenged’ issue against a certain candidate failed: One, the documentary evidence presented was a fake. Two, we already knew it.
Runner-up: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the second fake psych evaluation report
Reason why it failed: the producers (NP) totally forgot that movie sequels traditionally bomb at the box-office

“Ayan, Kasi. Itlog Pa Lang, Nagbilang na Agad ng Sisiw” Award
Winner: Mar Roxas
Interviewed a month ago, he confidently asserted there’s no way he’d lose the VP race. Until Francis Joseph Escudero made a pitch for the candidate “na may B.”
Two reasons why Roxas would probably lose: One, Jejomar Binay has more than one presidential candidate. Two, Roxas’ got half.

“Bugbog-Sarado” Award
Winner: Manny Villar
The ‘use’ of Nanay Curing says it all.

“Mehh Ganun?” Award otherwise known as the “Cheesiest Declaration of a Political Endorsement” Award
Winner: Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name
“Pinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami, ngunit sa uluhan po namin ay nakita ko, hindi po Barack Obama ang kanyang pangalan. Alam n’yo po kung ano? Gib Obama, Gibo Obama.”

Three letters and an exclamation point: WTF!

“Weapon of Mass Appeal Destruction” Award
Runaway Winner: The “Villarroyo” tag
Two reasons why it worked against Villar: One, the public really hated GMA. Two, it’s true.

“Punyeta! Pati Ako Napapakanta!” Award
Winner: Manny Villar’s “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?” Jingle
The ad propelled the NP standard-bearer to a statistical tie with his closest rival, and its catchy tune produced this generation’s youngest political turncoat – Baby James. Vilyay!
Runner-up: GMA Network’s “Bilog na Hugis Itlog” Election Advocacy Campaign Jingle
I wonder what or whose “itlog” was being referred to in the song but wasn’t the shape of that thingy in our ballot ovate? Anyway, altogether now… “May bilog, may bilog na hugis itlog…”

“Tiba-Tiba” Award
Winner: ABS-CBN, GMA7, other broadcast networks, newspapers
For the millions if not billions of pesos in revenues from political advertisements. Walang kinikilingan! Walang pinuprotektahan! At magpapatrol saan man sa mundo, basta’t may TV at may tao! Whateverrrrr! Blow-out naman d’yan, mga friends!
Runner-up: Candidates who solicited and accepted campaign contributions but never really campaigned. Matalo man, panalo pa rin! Ang kakapal ng mukha n’yo!

Best Single Performance By A Female Supporter in a Non-Campaign Sortie
Winner: Kris Aquino on ‘The Buzz’ (March 14, 2010)
In her most convincing performance yet as an actress, an emotional Kris Aquino took a swipe at her brother’s critics. Nope, she was not campaigning. It just so happened that she had to mention the name “Noynoy” 15 times during Boy Abunda’s interview.
Runner-up: Baby Villar-Benedicto lambasting ABS-CBN and GMA 7 for being allegedly biased against her brother
A few more workshop sessions and Odette Khan’s got competition. Good luck!

“In All Fairness, Kinaya Nilang Manahimik During the Campaign” Award
Winner: Korina Sanchez
Two thumbs up for Mrs. Palengke for keeping it low-key. Next time lang, kung manonood ka ng Tears for Fears concert at magpa-flash ka ng Laban sign sa camera, make sure na wala sa crowd ang very honest na si TJ Manotoc para ‘di ka ulit ma-tweet!
Runner-up: The Macapagal-Arroyos
Aminin n’yo, tahimik sila! Na-miss n’yo ‘noh?

AND FINALLY…
“Campaign Paraphernalia Gone Wrong” Award
Winner: Nanay Curing Villar
Two reasons why it failed: One, she’s octogenarian, let her rest! Two, she’s in orange.
Runner-up: Baby James
Two reasons why it failed: one, like his mother Kris, he is tactless. Two, he’s not cute. (Come on, objectively, he’s not!)
_____________________________
“When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” ~Clarence Darrow

Survey Says…
Dapat bang ipagpaliban muna ang halalan hangga’t ‘di nareresolba ang problema ng Comelec/Smartmatic-TIM?
OO! Ayusin muna ang kapalpakan! 29%
Hindi na! Ituloy ang eleksyon! 64%
Bahala na. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Tomorrow, we will be part of a historic electoral exercise.
Be vigilant.
Be patient.
Be rational.
Hindi nadadaanan sa dahas ang pagresolba sa ‘di pagkakaunawaaan.

After this election, sana, bati-bati pa rin tayong lahat.
Tulung-tulong sa pagsulong!

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino!





MANALO KAYA?

6 05 2010


THE MANALOs HAVE SPOKEN. The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Hours before the official announcement was made, Noynoy was really nervous. In fact, he had to smoke two packs of cigarettes to calm his nerves,.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino for president. The official announcement was made by INC executives yesterday (Wednesday) while the unofficial announcement was made by Kris Aquino on “The Buzz” last Sunday.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the presidential bid of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most powerful endorser of Noynoy… next only to ABS-CBN.

The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most influential endorser of Noynoy… next only to Pulse Asia, and SWS.

The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. According to a source of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the choice was made based on a “survey” of INC members ‘with a mandate from heaven’ – probably the same heaven that ‘guided’ the INC in choosing the likes of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in 2004 and Joseph Estrada in 1998.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer source revealed that the Iglesia ni Cristo’s choice of Sen. Noynoy Aquino for president was made after conducting a “survey” among INC members – a revelation that further incensed Sen. Richard Gordon.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has also announced its 12 picks for senator. The list includes Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid! [No need for a punch line.]

The bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed Sen. Mar Roxas for vice president. Rumors say a disappointed Jejomar Binay called up a high-ranking INC official to ask why he didn’t get the endorsement. The INC official replied, “Bloc voting po ang isinusulong namin, hindi black voting.”

God’s (Different) Choices?
Gilbert Teodoro has the support of Pastor Quiboloy.
The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing Noynoy.
The Jesus is Lord Movement is solid behind Bro. Eddie Villanueva.
The CBCP endorses JC De Los Reyes.
And the El Shaddai Movement is reportedly backing the presidential bid of Manny Villar.
Some theologians are now convinced – God must really be a woman.

Tanong ng bayan: Sa harap ng sunud-sunod na endorsements mula sa mga ‘sugo ng kalangitan,’ bakit wala pa yatang nag-i-endorso kay Rey Langit?

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say Erap and Binay are expecting the endorsement of an unidentified Islamic group. You know, they tolerate polygamy.


Top 5 Messages Left on ‘God’s’ Answering Machine

No. 5: “Lord, this is Dick Gordon. Akala ko ba pantay-pantay ang tingin mo sa aming lahat? Eh bakit ka ganyan? Meron kang kinikilingan. Meron kang pinu-protektahan. Meron kang kandidatong sinusuportahan. Kapag ganyan ka pa rin sa ‘kin sa susunod na eleksyon, hihingi na ‘ko ng TRO sa korte para pigilan ang endorsements mo! Hindi ka na fair eh.”

No. 4: “God, this is Krissy. Gosh! You’re so bait talaga. Promise! Always take care of Mom and Dad huh. And Ka Erdy too. Gosh! I’m blushing right now God. Kashe, close na tayo. ‘Di ba Boy? Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 3: “Panginoon, this is JC De Los Reyes. Verify ko lang po kung ako talaga ang choice ng CBCP. Para kasing hindi naniniwala ang mga tao sa kanila eh.”

No. 2: “Hi Lord. Si Manny Villar po ‘to. ‘Pag ‘di ko nakuha ang endorsement ng El Shaddai, tandaan mo po, ‘di na kita papaniwalaan. At ‘di lang ‘yan! Kapag ‘di ako inendorse ni Brother Mike, hinding-hindi ka na po puwedeng dumaan sa C-5 kahit kailan! Tandaan mo po ‘yan!”

And the No. 1 message left on God’s answering machine…

“Papa Jesus, si Noynoy po ito. Thank you Papa Jesus for all the blessings. Alam mo Papa Jesus, you were my strength when I was weak. ‘Tsaka Papa Jesus, you were my voice when I couldn’t speak. You were my eyes when I couldn’t see, and you saw the best there was in me. How can I forget Papa Jesus, (you) lifted me up when I couldn’t reach and you gave me faith ‘coz you believed. Basta, Papa Jesus, I’m everything I am, because you loved me.”

Oops, there’s one stray message left on God’s answering machine!
“Hello, God test. God test. Hello? God test. Wala lang. Testing lang kung totoong may sasagot. Sanga pala, si Joma Sison ‘to.”


The Elections
Noynoy Aquino is so against the proposed postponement of the May 10 elections… mainly because he can hardly wait to begin his term.

Manny Villar is likewise against the postponement of the elections… mainly because it would only give his rivals more time to throw more dirt at him.

Gilbert Teodoro also opposes the postponement of the polls… mainly because he’s so eager to find out if Pastor Quiboloy’s group really practices bloc voting.

But Richard Gordon, Eddie Villanueva, and Nicanor Perlas are in favor of postponing the May 10 polls… mainly because they’re not prepared to lose yet.

Meanwhile, Jamby Madrigal has not released any statement on this issue. And we really don’t care!

Korina: Not True
Korina Sanchez held a press conference to deny online reports that she got booed at the concert of Tears for Fears. The vice presidentiable’s wife claims she neither noticed nor heard any booing… mainly because she was too busy posing before the cameras while flashing the Laban sign.

Korina Sanchez denied reports that she got booed at the Tears for Fears concert last Sunday. Well, it’s either TJ Manotoc was telling the truth or Korina Sanchez was deaf.
———————
“I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows.”
~Susan B. Anthony

Survey Says
Your final and sure choice for president:
Noynoy AQUINO 31.9%
JC DE LOS REYES 0.2%
Joseph ESTRADA 0.7%
Dick GORDON 22%
Jamby MADRIGAL 0.9%
Nick PERLAS 1.4%
Gilbert TEODORO 36.3%
Eddie VILLANUEVA 1.4%
Manny VILLAR 5.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
From the online edition of Newsbreak: How the INC was won

More from Newsbreak: Religious endorsements

Countdown to the May 10 elections: Apat na tulog na lang!





REVELATIONS

4 05 2010


Quiboloy Goes Green
In front of his loyal followers, religious cult leader Pastor Apollo Quiboloy revealed, “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation, Gilbert Teodoro…” eliciting condemnation from saints and angels who insist that the law bars the Almighty Father from making appointments during the election period.

Speaking before his flock at the “Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name” compound in Catitipan, Davao City, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy said that “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation (and) he is no other than Gilbert ‘Gibo’ Teodoro.” At press time though, the Almighty Father has yet to confirm Quiboloy’s claim.

Explaining his decision to endorse Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy narrated that he prayed for three days before a ‘revelation’ from God came on Sunday. Quiboloy told his flock, “Ipinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami” – to which his loyal followers chorused, “Whatttteverrrr!”

This just in! Minutes after Apollo Quiboloy announced his “chosen one,” another presidential candidate issued a statement thanking the religious leader. It turned out though that the candidate was misinformed by a supporter. Nagkamali ng dinig ang supporter ni candidate. Sa halip na Gibô, ang dinig niya Tibô!

Religious cult leader Apollo C. Quiboloy has endorsed Gilbert Teodoro. The El Shaddai Movement is reportedly endorsing Manny Villar, while the Iglesia ni Cristo is said to be endorsing Noynoy Aquino. Last week, the CBCP picked JC De Los Reyes over his rivals. Rumors say a displeased Richard Gordon is seeking a TRO against religious endorsements.

Tears for Fears & Politics
Did you know what happened at the concert of Tears for Fears the other night at the Araneta Coliseum? The pop rock duo got the loudest cheers; Korina Sanchez got the loudest boos.

In case you didn’t know, TV host Korina Sanchez got booed twice by the thousands of people in attendance at the concert of Tears for Fears last Sunday. According to witnesses, shortly after the duo’s last song, people requested for an encore and shouted ‘More! More!’ When Korina was projected on the huge video wall, she flashed a Laban sign, and shouted, ‘Mar! Mar!”

Binay’s Climb
Following his surge in the latest surveys, vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay says Mar Roxas is now in “panic mode.” The Roxas camp is reportedly so alarmed by Binay’s numbers, Korina Sanchez was forced to campaign during the Tears for Fears concert.


Last week, outgoing Makati City mayor Jejomar Binay admitted he had an extramarital affair that almost cost him his marriage to Dr. Elenita Binay. The romance didn’t last long because the mistress rejected Binay’s proposed 24-year affair.

Photos of outgoing Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay and his alleged mistress circulated on the Internet last week. The vice presidential dark horse called it black propaganda.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Alam n’yo ser, sorbey lang ‘yan. ‘Di dapat iniiyakan ‘yan! Mas masakit pa nga d’yan ang mga suntuk ni Cuttu eh.”
B: “’Di naman ‘yung survey ang iniiyakan ko eh! Si Quiboloy! Pinaasa niya ako sa endorsement. Wala rin naman pala. Hu-hu-hu!”
C: “Tawagan mo nga si Welli Rivillami! Ayaw tumahan eh. ‘Pag ‘di pa ‘to tumigil sa kakaiyak, uupakan ko na ‘to!”
D: “Sobra na Pacman. Hindi ko na kaya! ‘Yung Iglesia, nag-promise din sa akin tapos sabi sa diyaryo, si Noynoy na raw?!? It’s unfair! It’s unfair!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Nabasa mo ba ‘yung psychiatric report ni Guido Delgado? Kinabahan ako do’n mare. Akala ko authentic.”
B: “Quiet ka lang Shawie. May area sa likod ng stage kung saan puwede tayong mag-yosi. Tara!”
C: “Talaga?!? May alam ka sa babae ni Kiko? Sige nga, kwento mo!”
D: “’Wag ka sanang magagalit Sha. Ipinapatanong ng organizers ng rally kung puwedeng mamaya ka na lang daw umakyat ng stage. Baka bumigay eh.”


Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “’Di mo sinabi matulis ka rin pala Jojo! Sino ‘tong kasama mong chick sa picture na nasa diyaryo? Ang kiniiis!”
B: “Eh saan pa ba ako magmamana? Kaya nga tandem tayo eh.”
C: “Alam mo ba ang ginawa ko kay Doktora Ellen nang mahuli niya akong may chiching? Siya ang pinatakbo kong mayor sa Makati! Ayun, tumahimik!”
D: “Ngayon ko lang napansin Jojo! We have a lot of things in common pala! Naging mayor ka, naging mayor ako. Doktora ang asawa mo, doktora ang asawa ko. May naging kabit ka, may naging kabit ako. Naku! Sana naman ngayong eleksyon, pag natalo ka, manalo naman ako! For a change!”
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“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.”
~The Holy Bible

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Para sa masaya at malamang pagtalakay sa mga napapanahong paksa, makinig kina Lynda Jumilla at Alvin Elchico sa dzMM, gabi-gabi pagkatapos ng TV Patrol World.





AYON SA MGA BITUIN IV

2 05 2010


MAY NAGBABADYANG GULO sa paligid batay sa alignment at galaw ng mga planeta habang papalapit ang eleksyon.

Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, posibleng mahulog ka sa dagat ng basura at ikalunod mo ito. Sumaklolo man ang iyong ina ay maaaring huli na ang lahat dahil wala na siyang kakayanang lumangoy dala ng katandaan.

Kung hindi mo naman kakayanin ang bigat ng ilang problema, malaki ang posibilidad na ma-depress ka at maapektuhan ang iyong pag-iisip. Pinapayuhang sumangguni sa psychiatrist o kaya ay sa pari.

‘Yan ay dalawa lamang sa pangkalahatang basa ng mga bituin sa mga kaganapan ngayong panahon ng eleksyon. Narito naman ang espesyal na prediksyon at kapalaran para sa inyong mga paboritong kandidato.

Sinu-sino ang papalarin? Sinu-sino ang mamalasin?

Babala.
Pangitain.
AYON SA MGA BITUIN.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Bago nila ibahagi ang kanilang mga prediksyon, nais munang iparating ng mga bituin ang kanilang pakikiramay sa mga naulila ng isa nilang sugo dito sa lupa – si Jojo Acuin, ang tinaguriang Nostradamus ng Asya. Apparently, hindi nahulaan ni Mr. Acuin ang kanyang pagpanaw noong Huwebes, April 29.

NOPE! Hindi po ito si Jojo Acuin. Ito ay si dating Budget and Management Secretary Benjamin Diokno. Magkahawig lang talaga sila. Kung bakit narito ang kanyang larawan, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko nahulaan. At hindi maipaliwanag ng siyensya. Hayaan na lang natin, at laging tandaan…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” – Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva

Maria Ana Consuelo ‘Jamby’ Madrigal-Valade
Independent
Born: April 26, 1958
Sign: Taurus
Just when the stars thought na tapos na ang mga ‘eksena’ mo ngayong 2010, nagpasya kang mag-hunger strike hanggang Mayo a-diyes. In fairness to you, hindi halatang nabawasan ang timbang mo. Maybe it’s your bone structure. Or maybe, binobola mo lang kami at kumakain ka naman talaga kapag walang nakatingin. Tandaan ang sabi ni Confucius! God knows Hudas not eat! But just the same, saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong paninindigan. ‘Yan ang sagisag ng tunay na lalaki… este, tunay na ma-prinsipyong tao. Hindi ka man manalo sa pagka-presidente, panalo ka naman sa dami ng naipamudmod na bracelets. Congratulations!

Nicanor ‘Nick’ Perlas
Independent
Born: January 10, 1950
Sign: Capricorn
Ang isang environmental advocate na katulad mo ay tunay na kahanga-hanga. Hindi ka man palarin, magiging super busy ka pa rin pagkatapos ng May 10. Ikaw ang hihirangin ng susunod na pangulo upang mamuno sa paglilinis ng mga nagkalat na campaign posters at iba pang campaign paraphernalia sa buong Pilipinas.

Kung interesado kang maging DENR secretary sa susunod na administrasyon, ngayon pa lang ay maghanap ka na ng malakas na backer. Try mo si Kris.

John Carlos ‘JC’ De Los Reyes
Ang Kapatiran Party
Born: February 14, 1970
Sign: Aquarius
Aha! Ikaw pala ang choice ng Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines sa pagka-pangulo! Well, well, well… the stars are not surprised at all. Ayaw mo sa condom, ayaw mo sa pre-marital sex, ayaw mo sa population control, ayaw mo sa Reproductive Health Bill, ayaw mo sa lahat ng ayaw ng mga obispo. Perfect! Dahil d’yan, malaki nga ang tsansa mong maging presidente – presidente ng CBCP!

Bro. Eduardo ‘Eddie’ Villanueva
Bangon Pilipinas Movement
October 6, 1946
Sign: Libra
Ngayong darating na eleksyon, ipaparamdam ng milyun-milyon mong tagasunod ang suporta nila sa ‘yo. Maghapon at magdamag silang magdarasal para sa tagumpay mo. At ‘yan ang iyong ikakatalo! Malilimutan nilang bumoto! Good Lord!

Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar Jr.
Nacionalista Party
Born: December 13, 1949
Sign: Sagittarius
Mali ang taktika mong maglabas ng mga pekeng psychiatric reports na nagpapakitang mahina ang utak ng ‘yong pinakamahigpit na kalaban. Rule No. 1: Do not capitalize on the obvious.

Huwag ituloy ang planong airing ng TV ad kung saan makikitang nagtatampisaw ka sa dagat ng dumi ng tao kasama ang iyong mga kapatid. Lalong mahahalatang desperado na ang iyong PR group.

Mahirap mang gawin ngunit isang paraan lang ang nakikita ng mga bituin upang mapigilan ang patuloy na pagbulusok ng iyong survey rating: Bumili ng air time sa “The Buzz” para sa live interview ni Kris kay Nanay Curing!

Joseph ‘Erap’ Estrada
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Born: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
May simpleng katanungan sa ‘yo ang mga bituin. Paano mo pag-iisahin ang watak-watak na sambayanan kung mismong sina JV at Jinggoy… tuloy ang plastikan?

Isang silahis na political adviser mo ang magsasabing magwawagi kang muli sa darating na halalan. Huwag maniwala! Ini-etchos ka lang niya. [Ang initials ng etchoserang adviser mong ito ay E.M.]

Ngunit ‘wag panghinaan ng loob. Kahit matalo… hindi ka mawawala sa mata ng publiko. Mananalong mayor ang ex mong si Ms. Guia Gomez sa lungsod ng San Juan at aalukin ka niyang maging First Gentleman! Astig, pare! FG ka na dude! ‘Di ka na ma-reach ‘tol!

Richard ‘Dick’ Gordon
Bagumbayan Party
Born: August 5, 1945
Sign: Leo
Hindi paborable ang galaw ng iyong mga planeta. Maulap din ang paligid ng mga bituing gumagabay sa ‘yo. Dahil dito, hihilingin mo sa korte na mag-issue ng TRO laban sa hulang ito. So, totoo pala ang balita – mas suplada ka pa kaysa sa iyong asawa.

Paalala ng mga bituin: Isa kang Autobot nang magsimula ang kampanya. Habang lumalapit ang araw ng eleksyon, huwag hayaang mamayani ang ugaling Decepticon. Chill.

Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III
Liberal Party
Born: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
May pangatlo, pang-apat, at panlimang psychiatric reports na lalabas. Pirmado pa rin ito ng mga paring taga-Ateneo. Ngunit mabubunyag na peke ang mga naturang dokumento. Plagiarized lang kasi ang mga ito sa mga previous psychiatric evaluation reports nina Obama, Oprah, at JK Rowling. Isa lang ang magiging reaksyon dito ng kapatid mong si Kris: “Nakakaloka!”

Ipinapayo ng mga bituin na isailalim sa loyalty check ang sarili. Sino ba talaga ang iyong bise-presidente? Si Mr. Palengke o ang kandidatong may B? Careful!

And finally…
Gilbert Teodoro
Lakas-CMD-Kampi
Born: June 14, 1964
Sign: Gemini
Panahon na para mag-move on sa pagtiwalag ng ekonomistang may initials na J.S. sa iyong partido. Makakahanap ka rin ng mas matalino at mas maganda kaysa sa kanya.

Ngayong darating na linggo, may ‘good news’ at ‘bad news’ kang matatanggap. Ang good news: mananaginip si Pastor Apollo Quiboloy at ibubulong daw sa kanya ng Diyos na ikaw ang dapat niyang iendorso. Ang bad news: Nasa panaginip ka rin niya. And you’re both naked. (Eeew!)

[Note: A day after this article was posted, Quiboloy announced his endorsement of Teodoro. Tumama ang hula ng mga bituin! The cult leader didn't say anything though about his 'dream.' More on this topic in the next blog post. Do comeback for updates.]
_____________________
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”
~Dale Carnegie

From Cyberspace
Rock on!

Survey Says
On Nanay Curing Villar’s press con. Your take:
Karapatan niya ‘yun. Hayaan na natin. 29%
A desperate move by Senator Villar 66%
Sino si Nanay Curing? ‘Di ko napanood. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





MADAM CURING

27 04 2010

AN EMOTIONAL NANAY CURING VILLAR, mother of presidential candidate Manuel Villar Jr. faced the media to defend her son against his critics. The press con organized by Villar’s media group has just earned for Nanay Curing the distinction of being the oldest campaign paraphernalia yet.

The 86-year-old mother of presidential candidate Manny Villar spoke to the media to defend her son against his critics. Not to be outdone, the Aquino family is rumored to be conducting a séance to give Cory a chance to defend Noynoy.

Newspapers and news programs carried the story of Nanay Curing Villar’s press con with her daughters Baby, Vicky, Lourdes, and Cecile… marking the first time that newscasts and news reports mentioned the names of a presidentiable’s sisters other than Ballsy, Pinky, Kris, and Viel.

An emotional Nanay Curing Villar faced the media to defend her son against his critics. Nanay Curing became emotional when she learned that she’d be facing the cameras without her favorite interviewer, Boy Abunda.

In a presscon organized by her son’s media group, Nanay Curing Villar became emotional, her blood pressure shooting up to 130 over 90. But one of her daughters, Baby Villar-Benedicto was even more emotional. Lashing at the Aquino camp, and denouncing two media networks for their alleged bias, Baby’s blood pressure shoots up to 150 over acting.

Top 5 Questions that Allegedly Made Nanay Curing Cry During Her PressCon

No. 5: Kumusta po bilang manugang si Congresswoman Cynthia Villar?

No. 4: Totoo po bang nag-Pasko kayo sa gitna ng kalsada? Kung oo, wala po bang dumaang sasakyan?

No. 3: Magkano po ang TF na tinanggap n’yo sa paglantad n’yo ngayon?

No. 2: Who are you wearing?

And the No. 1 question that allegedly made Nanay Curing cry during her press con…

Bakit po ninyo pinayagang maligo sa dagat ng basura si Manny gayong alam n’yong delikado ito sa kanyang kalusugan?

In Other News…
Loren and Surveys

According to the latest SWS/Business World survey, Sen. Loren Legarda drops to No. 3 in the vice presidential race. The survey reportedly alarmed Legarda who has always enjoyed being No. 2.

Teodoro for Duterte
Gilbert Teodoro has reportedly endorsed the Dutertes of Davao City. But mayoral candidate Prospero Nograles is unfazed by Gibo’s endorsement of his rivals. In fact, Nograles is so confident of winning against Sarah Duterte that he allegedly vowed to run naked around the city if he loses in the May 10 polls.

Sanchez, Critical
Doctors say former Batangas governor and Nacionalista Party gubernatorial bet Armando Sanchez is comatose after suffering a stroke yesterday. Asked about Sanchez’ chance of survival, the doctor replied, “Tumbok na diyes porsiyento, sahod na singko!”

Doctors say former Batangas governor Armand Sanchez has 5- to 10-percent chance of survival. Out of respect for Sanchez’ condition, jueteng draws in the province have been indefinitely postponed.

UPDATED: 8:23PM/Tuesday
Former Batangas Governor Armand Sanchez is dead. The Nacionalista Party is looking for a replacement candidate. Rumors say there are at least three names being considered. At press time though, they haven’t picked one. Binobola pa raw.

Jamby’s Protest
Sen. Jamby Madrigal has started her hunger strike. It will last until May 10… meaning, she’d probably be the first presidential candidate ever to spend election day in the hospital. Taray!

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ang bunsu mu bang si Jude ang prublima mu? Itu ang dapat mung gawin. Papuntahin mu sa timplu ku at aking ipi-pray uvir. Kapag ‘di nagbagu, supurtahan mu na lang kung saan siya injuy.”
B: “O, bakit napakamut ka sa ulu? Simpli lang naman ang riquist ku. ‘Wag mung papakialaman ang aking rial istit vinture in kis manalu ka uli.”
C: “Ganitu na lang. Kapag si Quibuluy, nag-Tiuduru, ang CBCP ay nag-Nuynuy, at ang Iglisia ay nag-Villar, ikaw ang iindursu ku. Amen?? Amen!”

——————-
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~French Proverb

Survey Says…
Should election surveys be banned?
DAPAT LANG! 41%
HINDI NOH! 42%
EWAN. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





CONFUSED

24 04 2010

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.


Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

————————–
“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!





KAMUNDUHAN

21 04 2010

THE 40th ANNUAL EARTH DAY will be celebrated on Thursday, April 22, 2010. In observance of this historic event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Manny Villar will throw garbage at each other.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she wants this year’s Earth Day event to be memorable for the Nacionalista Party. She vows to dig up more dirt on Manny Villar.

The 40th Earth Day is being celebrated this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Manny Villar will re-enact the first time he bathed in a sea of garbage.

The world will be celebrating the 40th Earth Day this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino will NOT smoke for a day.

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro can easily relate to nature and environmental issues… mainly because loyal Lakas leaders have become extinct.

Justice Secretary Alberto Agra is also celebrating Earth Day. In fact, he observed the event in advance. Last Saturday, he trashed the multiple murder charges against two Ampatuan scions.

In case you didn’t know, President Arroyo has declared April 22 as the “Philippines’ Earth Day” through Presidential Proclamation No. 1481. She signed the proclamation right after the release of a survey showing the continued “erosion” of the people’s trust on her.

Former president Joseph Estrada and senatorial candidate Joey De Venecia have decided not to campaign on April 22. Erap will observe Earth Day by planting his seeds while De Venecia will plant some weeds.

Professor Danton Remoto and party-list group “Ang Ladlad” will celebrate ‘biodiversity’ on Earth Day. The theme of Ang Ladlad’s celebration: “Para sa Makulay at Masayang Mundo, Berdeng Dugo ang Iboto!”

Sen. Mar Roxas will lead the Liberal Party’s Earth Day activity. Everyone is invited… except for Chiz Escudero and company.

This just in: Mar Roxas has belied claims by Korina’s former household helper that the broadcaster still uses Aquanet hair spray.

Makati City will observe Earth Day by promoting garbage segregation. As a matter of fact, residents, particularly those living in slums underwent a seminar on waste management recently. Sa naturang seminar ay ipinaliwanag ang pagkakaiba ng biodegradable at non-biodegradable. Halimbawa: ang mga papel at tirang pagkain ay natutunaw. Ang mga ito ay biodegradable. Sa kabilang banda, ang mga Binay ay ‘di natutunaw. Sa katunayan, inabot na nga sila ng dalawampu’t apat na taon sa city hall. Sila ay non-biodegradable.

Environmental groups are handing out special awards this year in celebration of the 40th Earth Day. Leading the list of awardees is businessman Manuel V. Pangilinan who is being recognized for his “reuse” and “recycling” efforts.

A list of famous people who are considered “anti-environment” will also be made public for the first time. Topping the list are Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan for turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

And to warn the public about the hazards of chemicals on humans, Tingting Cojuangco, Loi Ejercito, Baby Arenas, Imelda Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, and Ellen Lising will join a motorcade.

But there are some who won’t be celebrating Earth Day this year. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is one of them. Alam n’yo naman, matindi pa rin ang galit niya sa mga “puno.”

And lastly, Stella Marquez-Araneta and the Bb. Pilipinas Charities, Inc. (BPCI) will celebrate the beauty of our planet on Earth Day. Stella and the BPCI say, “We love Earth. But we also love Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, and Saturn. The only one we hate is Venus.”

In Other News…

Absolved!
Justice Secretary Alberto Agra has cleared two members of the powerful Ampatuan clan of the grisly murder of 57 people in Maguindanao last year. With a justice secretary like that, who needs defense lawyers?

Gordon & Bayani
Despite the support of some loyal friends in Partido Lakas, Bayani Fernando says he will not abandon Richard Gordon, the standard bearer of Bagumbayan Party. To prove that he is telling the truth, Fernando promised Gordon that he would not call for a meeting of Bagumbayan members at Discovery Suites in Pasig City for a loyalty check.

Poor
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 43 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.
——————–
“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.”
~Cree Indian Proverb

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng hayup sa larawan?
A: “L is for laway! Noy!Noy! Hihihi. Jas kedding!”
B: “Masama bang tumanaw ng utang na loob?”
C: “Tumabi kayo Villaroyo at Gloriaquino! Narito na ang bago! Ampatuanoy!”

Survey Says
Maiba naman. Lakers or Cavaliers?
Wala nang iba pa! Cavaliers! 24%
Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Lakers! 34%
Hmmm, pass muna! I’m not into sports. 42%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





STAR(FRUIT) FOR ALL SEASONS

15 04 2010

IT’S THE DAY’s BIGGEST NEWS.
Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! Apparently, Salceda got so busy checking out his party mates’ loyalty; he totally forgot to check out his.

Just so you know, Noynoy Aquino and Joey Salceda were classmates at the Ateneo de Manila University from the late ‘70s to the early ‘80s… or as their flirty female classmates would say, “unlucky years.”

Joey Salceda revealed that he and Noynoy Aquino were seatmates in the English class in Ateneo. They were not that close then although one time they plagiarized some compositions together.

According to Albay Governor Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino was his seatmate in the English class in Ateneo some 30 years back. Salceda will never ever forget the young Noynoy… mainly because he was the only one who owned a lighter then.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! It was like Dinky Soliman leading the Arroyo cabinet in singing “If We Hold On (Together),” and then calling for her president’s ouster the succeeding week.

After calling on his party mates to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro, Albay Governor Joey Salceda has bolted the party and announced his support for Noynoy Aquino. Lakas stalwarts were reportedly shocked by Salceda’s announcement because they expected him to support Danton Remoto’s “Ang Ladlad” instead.

Bugtong:
Higit sa isa ang mukha
May payat at may mataba
Berde kung hilaw
kapag hinog ay dilaw.
Ano ito?
Sagot: Balimbing (or Starfruit; Averrhoa carambola)

At ilan sa mga kilalang berde na pilit nahinog nitong mga nakaraang buwan ay ang mga balimbing sa larawan. Nasa inyo na ang pagpapasya kung sila ay inyong pipitasin sa darating na halalan.

Bawat isa sa kanila ay may ibinigay na dahilan kung bakit nila iniwan ang kanilang partido. Natatandaan mo pa ba kung ano ang kanilang “excuse?” Alamin sa pamamagitan ng pagsagot sa pagsusulit na ito.

Panuto: Isilid sa isang hinog na balimbing o ponkan (depende sa partidong nilipatan) ang titik ng tamang sagot. Tandaan: gumamit ng hinog na balimbing o ponkan lamang: bawal ang hilaw at bawal ang manibalang. Narito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka sa napiling sagot:

May sampung minuto ka upang sagutin ang tanong: Bakit nga ba sila lumipat?

1: Dating NEDA Director General Ralph Recto:
A: “Natalo na ‘ko noong 2007, ayokong matalo uli ngayon. Masakit sa bulsa. ‘Di pa nga ako nakakabawi eh!”
B: “I think you have a good team in the LP under the leadership of Senator Noynoy and Senator Mar.”
C: “’Package deal’ kasi. Nang alukin ng Liberal si Vi, siyempre damay na ko. What is marriage for?”
D: “Hindi ko kailangang mag-explain sa ‘yo. Ano ka, si Serge Osmeña? Kung ‘di mo ako kayang tanggapin, umalis ka!”

2: Former Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson:
A: “Si Erap nga na parang kapatid ko na, tinraydor ko pa. Si Gilbert Teodoro pa kaya na ‘di ko man lang nakainuman o nakasama sa casino?”
B: “Kung kanino si Manny Pacquiao, doon ako.”
C: “Mas matagal na kasi sa politics si Villar. Mas marami siyang kilala. ‘Tsaka siya ang gusto ng mga kababayan ko. Sino ba ko para sumalungat sa kanila?”
D: “God knows Hudas not stay!”

3: Mandaluyong City Rep. Neptali Gonzales III
A: “Dating back to the ‘60s, our relationship with the Aquinos and the Roxases is something na hindi ko puwedeng talikuran.”
B: “Ang tagal ng pondo. Nainip na ‘ko.”
C: “Hinintay ko lang ang latest survey at tiniyak kong lamang pa rin si Noynoy para sure.”
D: “Bakit ba kayo nakikialam? Taga-Mandaluyong ba kayo?!?”


4: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A: “Deep in my heart, hindi ko kayang ikampanya ang isang La Sallista. Bali-baligtarin man ang mundo, kahit ano pang mangyari, halata man o hindi, Atenista pa rin ako.”
B: “Titigan n’yo ang picture sa ‘taas. Kuha ‘yan nang samahan ako ni Gibô sa pagpa-file ng aking certificate of candidacy. Napilitan lang akong mag-smile d’yan!”
C: “I accepted the challenge of my Ateneo classmate Noynoy to become the Bicol regional chairman of the Liberal Party. My task is to make him win in Bicol on May 10.”
D: “Matagal na akong nagtitiis bilang berdeng caterpillar. Panahon na upang iwagayway ang aking mga dilaw na pakpak bilang paru-paro! To paraphrase Ricky Martin, ‘I am a fortunate butterfly!’ Promise!”

5: Quezon City Mayor Feliciano Belmonte
A: “Kung mananatili ako sa Lakas, hindi ako magiging House Speaker. Career move ‘to.”
B: “Enlightened, dependable, trustworthy and morally upright: All of these qualities of Cory, I see in our new champion, Sen. Noynoy Aquino.”
C: “Naunang lumipat ang anak kong si Joy eh. Tatay lang ako. Kung saan siya masaya, suportahan ko siya.”
D: “Noynoy and I have a lot of things in common. Single ako, single siya. Umuulan ng celebrities sa aking siyudad; bumabaha ng celebrities sa kanyang ad.”

6: Surigao Del Norte Governor Robert Ace Barbers
A: “Wala lang. Trip ko lang.”
B: “Ang Nacionalista kasi ang susunod na pinakamalaking political party after the 2010 elections.”
C: “Pati ba naman taong nananahimik dito sa Surigao, napansin pa ng punyetang Professional Heckler na ‘yan? Baka gusto niyang matulad siya kay Mike Enriquez?!? ”
D: “Puwede bang kantahin ko na lang? 1-2-3! Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap/ Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit!”

7: House Speaker Prospero Nograles
A: “Even as a senior officer of the party, I hardly know what’s happening because they make decisions without the courtesy of even briefing us. I don’t even get any text saying hi or hello from our party standard-bearer.”
B: “Delikado kasi ‘yung mayoral bid ko sa Davao. ‘Yung Duterte Death Squad, este Duterte family, suportado ni Noynoy. Kailangan ko ng mas malakas na backer like Villar.”
C: “Lilinawin ko lang! Hindi totoong iiwan ko ang partido! Hindi totoong ako ay balimbing! At hindi totoong tumakbo ako nang nakahubad sa isang hotel! Damn it! Kailangan ko pa bang ulit-ulitin ‘yan?”
D: “Who says I’m leaving Lakas? Puwede ko namang ikampanya nang palihim si Villar kahit ‘di ako Nacionalista ah. Si Presidente nga kinakaya… ako pa?!”

8: Bukidnon Governor Jose Ma. Zubiri
A: “Nagpasya akong lumipat kay Villar dahil… hindi ko sure kung mag-o-offer si Noynoy.”
B: “Memoryado ng aking mga apo ang “dagat ng basura” ad ni Villar. Mahal ko ang aking mga apo. Mahal nila si Villar. Mahal ko na rin siya.”
C:I cannot stomach Lakas’ alliance with Kampi.”
D: “Napagkasunduan namin ‘yan ng aking mga anak. Sina Migs, mananatili sa Lakas; ako naman, sa Nacionalista. Mas maraming partido, mas maraming pondo.”

9. Batangas Governor Vilma Santos
A: “Akala n’yo ba walang matibay na dahilan ang aking paglipat? Akala n’yo lang, wala! Pero meron! Meron!”
B: “Katulad po ng sinabi ni Ralph sa question No. 1 sa taas… masakit matalo. Malaki-laki rin ang nawala sa amin sa kampanya noong 2007. Ayaw na naming maulit ‘yon.”
C: “I think Noynoy can give us that inspiration because of the inspiration instilled to us by his parents.”
D: “Bakit ako lumipat sa Liberal Party? Hmmm, alam n’yo po, matagal kong pinag-isipan ‘yang desisyon na ‘yan. I prayed hard for guidance. Hindi po madali sa akin ang iwan ang Lakas. Pero isa lang po ang tinitiyak ko sa aking mga kababayan sa Batangas: matagal kong pinag-isipan ang desisyon kong ito and I really prayed hard for guidance. Dahil sa totoo lang, hindi po madaling iwan ang Lakas. Thank you!”
—————————-
“Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living.”
~Josiah Royce

Survey Says
Ayon sa ABS-CBN: “Mula sa Nacionalista Party ang pekeng ‘psychiatric report’ ni Noynoy.” Ang sagot ng Nacionalista Party: “Sino sa amin? ‘Di totoo ‘yan!”
Ang tanong: dapat bang ibunyag ng ABS-CBN ang source nila sa NP?
Ang resulta ng survey:
DAPAT LANG! 70%
HINDI NA KAILANGAN! 25%
HINDI KO ALAM ANG ISYU. 4%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Trivia:The 1955 Academy Award-winning film Oklahoma! was shot entirely in Arizona because producers believed that Arizona looked more like Oklahoma than Oklahoma did!

Sa nangyayaring exodus ng Lakas members sa Liberal Party at Nacionalista Party, hindi na ako magtataka kung ang LP at NP ay mas mag-asal-Lakas kaysa sa orihinal na Lakas pagkatapos ng eleksyon. Good luck sa ating lahat!





TESTS

13 04 2010

FIRST GENTLEMAN MIKE ARROYO, who was released from the hospital last week, gets a couple of good news today. One, he is now allowed to go out for a walk, and two, Prospero Nograles is now supporting Manny Villar.

Leaving Lakas?
House Speaker Prospero Nograles, Lakas vice chairman, has thrown his support behind Nacionalista Party’s Manny Villar. It took some time before Nograles made a decision. So when he discovered that his heart was really for the NP leader, he ran around the hotel naked shouting Villar’s name.

Prospero Nograles has reportedly bolted Lakas and is now supporting the presidential bid of Manny Villar. But Nograles’ decision did not shock Lakas standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro. In fact, Gibô was more surprised by the reported death of veteran comedian Palito saying, “Buhay pa pala siya?!?”

All-Time Low
The Social Weather Stations says President Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating is down to –53 percent, an all-time low. Because of the “F” or failing grade she received from Filipinos, Mrs. Arroyo says she’s more than willing to repeat.


Poland in Mourning
Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Unverified reports say, before the plane crashed, it was flying too low. Yeah, it was flying too low that it almost collided with President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Tsk… tsk… tsk. Napag-iiwanan na talaga ang Pilipinas!

MVP Stays
The Ateneo De Manila University Board of Trustees has decided to reject the resignation of its chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan. Consequently, the board announced that the university is adopting a new slogan. From “Lux Domino” (Light in the Lord), the new slogan will be, “Plagiarius est non bonus tamen nos postulo viaticus” (Plagiarism is not good but we need cash).

LP vs. NP
Sen. Manny Villar has challenged Sen. Noynoy Aquino to undergo a psychiatric test. Felt slighted by the challenge, Noynoy told Villar, “Magpapa-psychiatric test lang ako kung mamamatay ka muna dahil walang pampagamot.”

————————
“It all comes down to serving the ones who are fighting alongside you, watching your back, putting a weapon in your hand when you need it most.”
~James Luceno

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sa nangyayaring batuhan ng putik sa kampanya?
Partido Liberal ni NOYNOY 14%
Partido Nacionalista ni VILLAR 24%
Pareho sila! Punyeta! 62%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Today is April 13
On this date in…

1997: Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win The Masters Tournament at 21. He celebrates the victory by having sex with 21 women.

1977: Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up” is released… instantly becoming a hit among members of Lakas-CMD-Kampi.

1880: At the Ateneo De Manila, Dr. Jose Rizal writes the allegory titled Consejo de los Dioses (Council of the Gods) and wins a prize. Rizal relinquished the prize a week later after admitting that portions of his work were plagiarized.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Have you received your latest Meralco billing statement? Punyeta! Manny Pangilinan, maldita ka! Ano ‘tong ginawa mo?!? Ang laki ng babayarin namin!%3%@7#*&)





TWO MEN AND A BABY

7 04 2010

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.


Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.





HOLY WEAK, TOO

2 04 2010


The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
——————————
“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.





HOLY WEAK! 2010

30 03 2010


IT’S THAT TIME of the year again. Throngs of province-bound passengers will crowd bus terminals. People will drive in droves to beach resorts. Flaggelants will roam the streets. Catholics will visit churches, and Metro Manila streets will be empty. It’s Holy Week! Leading this year’s solemn observance is the First Gentleman… who is currently in Calvary.

Even before Lent, several candidates in the 2010 elections have met with the influential Manalo family. This tradition is called “Visita Iglesia.”

Several political figures and personalities are also joining other Holy Week activities:

In a joint special session, the Senate and the House of Representatives have agreed to stage a senakulo on Good Friday. There’s a huge problem though: with several overqualified lawmakers to play the role, only two will be chosen to portray Dimas and Hestas, the thieves who were crucified with Jesus.

Sen. Manny Villar has agreed to play Jesus Christ… on one condition. His cross will have to be alternately carried by Adel Tamano, Gilbert Remulla, and Alan Peter Cayetano.

Stilll on Villar, his camp is rumored to be staging a modern senakulo in Moriones, Tondo. In their version, Jesus will die because “wala siyang pampagamot.”

Bayan Muna members were assigned the role of the mob during the Nacionalista-organized senakulo. But the play was halted twice when the mob refused to shout “Barabbas! Barabbas!” and instead, chanted, “Poncio Pilato, tuta ng Kano! Imperyalismo, burukrata kapitalismo… ibagsak!”

Sen. Noynoy Aquino who has always been open to ‘any role’ has agreed to play the character of the “chief priest” who commissioned Judas Iscariot to betray Jesus. But Noynoy got so carried away by the character that he promised to reward Judas not just with 30 pieces of silver but hectares of farmland to be given in five years.

In Times Street, the Aquino sisters Pinky, Viel, Ballsy and Kris staged a mini-senakulo participated by Boy Abunda and several other celebrities. But a minor commotion ensued when Kris Aquino, who portrayed the Virgin Mary, insisted on delivering a eulogy – on-cam, live!

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro accepted the offer to play Jesus Christ but requested that his role be limited to just one scene because of a busy schedule. Organizers granted the request, and assigned Gibô to reenact a very familiar scene: while Jesus Christ is being arrested, his disciples are abandoning him.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal vows to join the senakulo only if Manny Villar played Jesus. Jamby says she’d love to portray the role of a Roman soldier so she could mock, laugh at, and throw things at Villar.

Still on Jamby, she was supposed to take part in the reenactment of the Last Supper. But she backed out when she learned that the meal included salted eggs and galunggong.

Joseph Estrada said he would accept the invitation to play Barabbas only if President Arroyo would play Pontius Pilate… to guarantee his liberty.

In Malacañang, all is set for this year’s senakulo. The stage is ready, the costumes are complete, and cabinet officials have been assigned roles for the drama… until President Arroyo decided to replace them all without notice.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay was asked to portray tetrarch Herod Antipas. Initially, Binay was hesitant to accept the minor role. But he changed his mind when he was informed that Herod would rule Galilee and Perea for 48 years.

To save on resources during these trying times, several organizations will reenact only the Last Supper although there would still be 12 apostles on the table. At least three groups have invited Bong Revilla as a guest apostle.

Judge Vivencio Baclig of Quezon City Regional Trial Court Branch 77 also joined a senakulo where he gave life to Pontius Pilate. When he asked the crowd to choose between Barrabas and Jesus, the crowd yelled: “Barabbas!” But in a shocking turn of events, Judge Baclig decided to release Andal Ampatuan Sr. instead.

Finally, KBL’s Vetellano Acosta who volunteered to participate in a passion play was removed from the cast two weeks before the show when organizers discovered that he was not even Catholic.

Postscript
All senators, except for Jamby Madrigal have confirmed attendance to this year’s Easter Egg Hunt in UP.

Also on Jamby: organizers of a senakulo revealed that when the actor who played Jesus was being laid in the tomb, the senator’s supporters were distributing Jamby bracelets.
—————–
“Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”
~ Mark Twain

In the News: Ricky Martin
On his official Web site, the former Menudo member said, “”I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.”
Ricky Reyes, Ricky Lo, Ricky Rivero, Ricky Lee, Ricky Belmonte, Ricky Davao(?),Ricky Martin. Any other Rickys out there?

Also in the news: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
Salceda reacted to the dethronement of Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Maria Venus Raj.

Raj was stripped of her title by the Bb. Pilipinas Charities Inc. because of citizenship issues. The BPCI replaced her with the second runner-up, Nicolette Henson. The move has apparently irked Salceda who was quoted to have said, “I wanted to know why the first runner-up, Ms Diane Samar Necio, my townmate, did not automatically take the place of Ms Binibining Pilipinas-Universe, Ms. Venus Raj, who was ousted.”

Tanong ng bayan: Why is the governor so interested in beauty pageants?

Survey Says
Did you participate in the 2010 Global Earth Hour?
I DID! 51%
NO. 31%
I FORGOT/I’M NOT AWARE. 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

HAVE A SAFE VACATION!





HACKED!

22 03 2010


Harapan: The VP Debate
Did you watch Sunday night’s vice presidential debate organized by ABS-CBN? At one point, Loren Legarda asked Mar Roxas why he kept shifting allegiances. Viewers were shocked to hear that from Loren. For a moment, they thought Jay Sonza would then be mocking Jejomar Binay for being dark-skinned.

Erap vs. MILF
The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has endorsed a “fatwa” against former president Joseph Estrada and declared him “an enemy of Islam.” The MILF took its cue from the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, which declared Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral an enemy of Catholicism.

Loud Thud
You’ve heard the news about the death of the son of TV host Toni Rose Gayda, right? Reports say neighbors heard a loud thud when Edward James Gayda Lim fell from the veranda of their condo unit last Friday. How about the latest Pulse Asia trust survey? Heard about it? Reports say neigbors of presidential bet Manny Villar heard a loud thud too.


Pacquiao and the President
After attending mass in Quiapo, Manny Pacquiao went to Malacañang and paid a courtesty call on President Arroyo. For years, the pound-for-pound king and the president have become really good friends. They share the same passion for boxing. They have the same work ethic. And they support the same presidential candidate.

Hacked!
Sen. Manny Villar’s official website was reportedly hacked. A blog entry titled “Hacked by Kris Aquino” was posted on http://www.mannyvillar.com.ph. Kris vows to issue a statement as soon as her Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, and Ate Viel advise her on the matter.

Top 5 Signs that Sen. Manny Villar’s Official Website Has Been Hacked

No. 5: Every time you click his profile, you automatically win a house and lot.

No. 4: Visitors of his website report getting not just viruses but leptospirosis

No. 3: When you try to leave a message in the comments section, the site requires you to log in your name, e-mail address, and favorite ‘Kris Aquino’ moment.

No. 2: Each time you access the site, you get an annoying pop-up that says: “Jamby Madrigal was here!”

And the No. 1 sign that Sen. Manny Villar’s official website has been hacked…

When you open the website, you are automatically redirected to C-5 road.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng tao sa larawan?
A: “Hmmm, napaisip ako ah. What if totohanin ko na lang ang tsismis na si Villar ang kandidato namin ni Mike? Teka….”
B: “Kakaiba na ‘tong pose ko huh! Kapag ‘di pa naman ako na-feature sha blog ni Professional Heckler, ewan ko na lang!”
C: “Paano nga kaya kung magka-failure of elections? Congresswoman na… presidente pa! Exciting!”
D: “Hello? Midas? Kumusta na ang botohan ng mga mahistrado? Are they allowing me to appoint a new Chief Justice? Will I get a unanimous vote?”


Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-orange sa larawan?
A: “Mga two years pa, pwede mo na ‘yang turuang lumangoy sa dagat ng basura!”
B: “Nene, gusto mo bang umappear sa susunod kong commercial?”
C: “Bibigyan ko ng beinte pesos ‘tong bata pero ‘wag mo munang kukunin huh, may camera sa paligid. Election offense ‘yan.”
D: “O, bakit nakadilaw si Nene? Iuwi mo muna at palitan ng damit na orange! Dali!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng (mga) tao sa larawan?
A: “Ito ba ‘yon? Ito ba ‘yung batang nakadilaw nang dumaan si Villar kanina? Bakit naka-white? Iuwi mo muna. Palitan mo ng green!”
B: “Hoy Nene… ‘wag na ‘wag ko lang mababalitaang naliligo ka sa dagat ng basura okay? Kung hindi, idedemanda ko ‘yang nanay mo!”
C: “Pakisabi sa sa tatay mo, ‘wag maniniwala sa surveys! Kahit ‘ka mo si Noynoy, duda rin sa mga surveys.”
D: “Kung makatingin naman ‘tong batang ‘to, parang nakakita ng ‘walang utang na loob na pamangkin.’ Hmpf!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Settle down people, settle down. Hindi ako aalis ng ‘The Buzz’ ok? Hello??? Ano ako tanga? Free airtime din ‘yon sa campaign ni Noy ‘no?”
B: “Alam n’yo po, you’re so bad. Bakit ang layo-layo n’yo? Hindi po air-borne ang STD! ‘Tsaka, gosh! That was so history. Nag-move on na ako at nag-move on na si Joey! Well, I admit, I still keep that fire-retardant pillow.Ha-ha-ha!”
C: “Ready na kayo? Unahan ‘to huh. Walang tulakan. Game? Bring Me… a photo of that girl Mayen Austria! Now na!”
D: “I can’t hear you guys. Lakasan n’yo naman! Gusto n’yo ba ‘kong maging First Lady?”

————————
“If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he’ll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.”
~Jamie Zawinski

Survey Says
On the Supreme Court’s decision allowing President Arroyo to appoint the next SC Chief Justice. Your take:
That’s fine. No problem. 26%
I totally disagree! 69%
Sorry, ‘di ko alam ang isyu. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





LIGHT BITES (2010 EDITION)

18 03 2010

A dose of political Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But while he’s doing it, some 100 torch-bearing celebrities will gather around him to sing “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa.”

Q: How many Nacionalistas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But if the light bulb fails, three others will be there to defend him

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. Three to change it and one to emotionally relate the experience on TV

Q: How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll just replace it with a new chandelier.

Q: How many Gilbert Teodoros does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can you find someone else? Anybody but him.

Q: How many administration candidates for president does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One is real; the other, “secret”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One… but she’ll ask for more time (an extension) so she could screw it in well

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least four. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Joseph Estradas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No way! Not again.

Q: How many Nicanor Perlases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb, and another to recycle the old one

Q: How many Eddie Villanuevas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll just say, “Let there be light!”

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Vetelanno Acostas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Loren Legardas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Which bulb? In whose room?

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Screwing it in easily tires him.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it’s gonna take him 24 years (or more)

Q: How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She thinks there are three but as far as we can see, it’s only her.

Q: How many Ampatuans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shoot the old bulb and bury it

Q: How many governors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But before he could finish, the Comelec Second Division assigns someone else to do the job

Q: How many members of the Supreme Court does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them… unless there’s a dissenting opinion

Q: How many CBCP members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They find the act immoral.

Q: How many SWS or Pulse Asia researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, plus or minus two

Q: How many Bayan Muna members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shout, “Mabuhay si Ka Satur!”

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Bakit dung? May TF ba ‘yan dung?”

And finally…
Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to tell the whole world about it.

——————–
“The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.”
~George Orwell

Survey Says
Aling kumbinasyon ang mas click sa kampanya?
NOYNOY at KRIS 40%
VILLAR at PACQUIAO 13%
Ma at Pa! 46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.








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