IMPARTIAL AND OFFICIAL

11 05 2010


May 11, 2010
Makati City

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

I congratulate Sen. Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III on his victory.

I accept the will of the people.

I encourage every Filipino to work side-by-side with our new president… with the exception of those who are allergic to second hand smoke.

I would like to thank the readers of this blog who volunteered to disseminate the information that I maintain a Twitter account. I may have failed to update my blog on Election Day but people were able to monitor my activities by following me on Twitter.

Today, I concede. Yes, I concede that Noynoy Aquino is a more entertaining subject than Manuel Villar Jr., Joseph Estrada, or any other presidential candidates.

His victory is just the beginning. There’s so much work to do. There’s a lot of Noynoyisms to write about.

Let us celebrate democracy and let the heckling flourish even more under his administration.

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

Signed:

The Professional Heckler

—————————

In the news today…
Conceding defeat to Noynoy Aquino, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. apologized to the people whom he may have hurt during the campaign. He apologized to his opponents, to their supporters, and to his critics. He didn’t say though when is he going to apologize to his mother.

Speaking before the press Tuesday morning, Manny Villar conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. In accepting his sorry loss, Villar vowed to support the Aquino administration… by not releasing any psychiatric reports anymore.

Sen. Manny Villar has conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. There’s no word yet though if Willie Revillame is also conceding defeat to Jobert Sucaldito.

Gordon and JC, Too
Reports say Sen. Richard Gordon was the third presidential candidate to concede defeat. That’s according to news reports. But according to SWS and Pulse Asia, he’s the sixth candidate to do so.

At press time, Sen. Jamby Madrigal is in 8th place in the presidential race. But the feisty senator is not about to concede defeat saying, “Hindi ako kumakain ng pride.”

Trailing his eight rivals in the official counting, Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has also conceded defeat. K.


Gilbert Throws in the Towel
Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro has conceded defeat to his second cousin, Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Unfortunately for Gilbert, he failed to make it work. I mean, “Mind over mother.”

In accepting his defeat, administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro said, “I did not fight for a political position for myself but for an idea. Winning or losing is secondary. We fight for an idea.” Monitoring Gibô on ANC, Noynoy Aquino inexplicably had a nosebleed.

Administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro lost the presidency. Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s “God” lost its credibility. Boo!

Mar and Binay
Jejomar Binay is reportedly winning the race for vice president despite getting junked by the INC; snubbed by Quiboloy, and dumped by his own running mate. Now that’s what you call ‘failure of rejection.’

Outgoing Makati City Jejomar Binay looks headed for an upset win over Sen. Mar Roxas. Sought for comment, Roxas said, “Masakit. Para akong tinadyakan ng dark horse.”

As Jejomar Binay leads the counting for vice president, Noynoy Aquino denies reports that some Liberal Party stalwarts have started to abandon his running mate, Mar Roxas. Dissatisfied with Noynoy’s denial, Joey Salceda suggested a loyalty check.

Ex-presidential contender turned vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is losing his bid for the vice presidency… making ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez the leading candidate for ex-future Second Lady.

Partial, unofficial tally shows Sen. Mar Roxas is trailing Jejomar Binay in the vice presidential race. When he saw the partial results in the news, Roxas said, “Basta! Alam ko na kung sino ang hindi ko isasama sa repeat concert ng Tears for Fears!”

Erap and Binay
Videos and photos have revealed that Joseph Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate. But Estrada’s running mate, Jejomar Binay was unfazed by the reported alleged rejection. After all, he’s got his ‘other’ president.

Noynoy Wins
Results of the partial, unofficial count show that Sen. Noynoy Aquino has won the presidency. Finally, he’s got something to write under the column “Achievements” on his curriculum vitaé.

Noynoy Aquino has confirmed reports that Dinky Soliman has accepted his offer to become DSWD secretary. Aquino has earlier vowed to reward Soliman with a cabinet post on condition that she won’t sing “If We Hold On (Together)” again.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Natatandaan mo pa ba noong magpunta tayo minsan sa isang girlie joint doon sa QC? Sinundan pala ako ng Tita Ellen Binay mo. ‘Buti na lang, madilim sa kuwarto. Hindi ako nakita!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Pati ba naman ‘yun natandaan n’yo pa? Para tuloy gusto kong bumalik.”

B: “Sa tingin mo ‘Noy, iinterviewhin pa kaya ako ni Korina kapag bumalik siya sa DZMM?”

“Ha-ha-ha! Kabahan ka na Manong! Pero ‘wag ako ang tanungin mo d’yan. ‘The Buzz’ lang at ‘SNN’ ang hawak ko.”

C: “Puwede bang maghati tayo ng term? First three years, ikaw ang presidente, ako ang bise. ‘Tapos, last three years, ako naman ang presidente at ikaw ang bise. Sige na, pumayag ka na. Subok lang!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Nautot naman ako sa sinabi n’yo. Tanungin ko muna ang Pink Sisters.”

D: “Nagbabasa ka ba ng column ni Conrado De Quiros ng Inquirer? Paborito ka no’n! You think, magugustuhan n’ya rin ako?”

“Oo naman! Kayo pa!? Alam n’yo bang mahilig sa analogy ng ‘good & evil’ si De Quiros? Eksakto! Good ako. Evil kayo! I luveeeet!”
————–
Note: This is just a partial dose of my post-elections report. The results from the local voting are next. Plus, a special article on our new president.
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Battle of the Networks
Did you see GMA News’ use of a “hologram” in their election coverage? Award-winning journalist Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But the feat didn’t impress Noynoy Aquino that much saying he’s seen the same stuff in his favorite PC games.

Howie Severino became the first Filipino journalist to be beamed on live TV in “a hologram” – or as Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would describe it, “a vision.”

GMA News and Public Affairs ushered in a first on Philippine television. Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But rumors say it wasn’t really Howie but his boss, Jessica Soho who was supposed to be beamed first during the coverage. There wasn’t just enough ‘beam’ to make it possible.


How about ABS-CBN’s high-tech equipment? Did you see the huge Philippine map that was projected right in front of the news anchor? Viewers were treated to a rare spectacle when some of the islands on the map started to disappear on live TV – during high tide!

ABS-CBN’s comprehensive coverage of the May 2010 elections utilized a new broadcast technology called “augmented reality,” which combines computer-generated imagery in live-video streams as a way to expand the real-world. Or as Lito Lapid would say, “Higanteng touch screen lang ‘yan!”

Finally… another rumor has it GMA News was not the first news organization to use the idea of “a hologram” to make it appear that a news person is actually there in person while fellow news persons pretend to be in awe while talking to her. That’s exactly what happens every time Korina Sanchez drops by the ABS-CBN Newsroom.
——————————
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~ Marilyn vos Savant

Survey Says
Neck-and-neck ang labanan. Kung dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-bise presidente, sino ang iboboto mo?
Jejomar BINAY 28%
Mar ROXAS 48%
Wala! Ayoko sa kanilang dalawa! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS

20 12 2009


APOLOGIES for the delayed post. It’s the Holiday Season people. Everyone is preoccupied with something: doing some last minute shopping, attending Christmas parties, reuniting with old friends, etc.

These days, people in the metro have the same schedule: 5 hours in the office or malls, 4 hours in traffic.

The Senate is holding a lavish Christmas celebration. Everyone is expected to attend… except for Chiz Escudero. The guy hates parties.

Guess who’ll be the busiest senator this Christmas! Who else but Loren Legarda. She’ll be hopping from party to party.

The Senate plans to recreate the Nativity Scene. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the Virgin.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ap-3NmqtWVvvXM:http://zedomax.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/manger3.jpg Sen. Manny Villar won’t play any part in the Nativity Scene but he volunteered to donate the house, the lot, and the manger.

For some reason, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has rejected suggestions to let Senators Jamby Madrigal, Bong Revilla, and Lito Lapid to play the role of the three wise men.

Sen. Mar Roxas has repeatedly expressed interest to play the role of Joseph. But getting no support from his colleagues, he withdrew.

Eighty-two year old senator Joker Arroyo refused to take part in the activity. But that was understandable since Methuselah was never a part of the Nativity Scene.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:I83Uad-jppqPnM:http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/fs12/300W/i/2006/310/b/b/The_3_wisemen_by_ephexiousone.jpg Not to be outdone, Malacañang is also recreating its own Nativity Scene. Virgilio Garcillano, Hermogenes Esperon, and Ronaldo Puno will portray the three kings. However, they are not expected to bring incense, gold, or myrrh. Instead, they will deliver… votes.

When Andal Ampatuan Jr. heard Malacañang’s plan, he sent a note to President Arroyo and volunteered his talent. He wanted to play the role of Herod so he could slaughter innocents.

The characters in the palace’s Nativity Scene were already complete when Mikey Arroyo angrily protested his exclusion. To pacify the presidential son, Malacañang people offered him a special but undemanding role. He’ll be the shit of a camel.

At the Lower House, congressmen couldn’t complete their own Nativity Scene. Nobody dared to play Jesus but everyone was qualified to play the role of an ass.

In Times Street, Sen. Noynoy Aquino has recreated his own Nativity Scene. His three wise men look dazed though because they’re following not just one but several stars.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:trsjBYaEZrJ0iM:http://andrewerrington.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/three-wise-men.jpg Just as confused are the Three Kings in Sen. Richard Gordon’s Bagumbayan Party’s Nativity Scene. The kings are having a hard time following the star because of several street signs that say: “Walang tawiran, nakamamatay.”

Back to Times Street, Noynoy Aquino had a difficult time finishing his Nativity Scene because Kris Aquino insisted on playing the role of the star.

In Polk Street, chaos marred the recreation of the Estradas’ Nativity Scene. Erap played the role of Joseph but everday, a different woman plays the role of Mary.

The Nativity Scene in Gilbert Teodoro‘s house was reportedly one of the most intricate, beautiful, and well-crafted recreations. Unfortunately, only 2 percent of his friends have seen it.

You can find all kinds of Christmas decors at the residence of environmentalist Nicanor Perlas except for the Nativity Scene. According to the Comelec, he doesn’t have the capability and the resources to create one.

The Villars’ Laurel mansion in Shaw Blvd. boasts of the most expensive decors. There are two six-foot Christmas trees, two giant Santa Clauses, and two life-size Nativity Scenes. A recent survey showed that Villar has narrowed the gap between him and Noynoy so expect a double celebration this Christmas!

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s own Nativity Scene tops them all. Surrounding the infant Jesus are 5 million sheep!

Finally, the Communist Party of the Philippines produced perhaps the oddest of all Nativity Scene re-creations. Their wise men are in Congress, the shepherds are in the Sierra Madre mountains, and their God is in the Netherlands!

In other news…
Manny Pacquiao, endorser of top brands like Nike, Rexona, and SMB now endorses presidential candidate Manny Villar. Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga is Pacquiao’s only endorsement that is currently No. 2 in the market.

Photo of the Weak
Ito po ay isang malinaw na patunay na may kakayahang ngumiti ang isang aso.


_____________________
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

This Just In! The Commission on Elections, particularly 2nd Division members Nicodemo Ferrer, Elias Yusoph and Lucenito Tagle have junked the proposal of 1st Division commissioners to put colorful Christmas decors in their office. Yusoph, Tagle, and Ferrer described the proposal as “so gay.”

Have a productive week ahead!





HOLY WEAK!

7 04 2009

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

_________
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds








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