HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!

Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. – FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  – Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. – Senator Chiz.”
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“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!

LUCK’S ON LACSON

SENATOR PANFILO LACSON is back! You know what that means? The NBI, the PNP, and military intelligence agents can finally stop pretending they’re looking for him.

When he arrived in Cebu from Hong Kong Saturday morning, Senator Panfilo Lacson was reportedly alone. But critics refuted the report saying Malacañang’s thoughts were “with” him.

Reports say the Philippine National Police did not have enough knowledge as regards Lacson’s arrival last Saturday… just as they did not have enough information as regards his departure last year.

National Bureau of Investigation Director Magtanggol Gatdula insists his former boss is “really free” and “the bureau no longer has anything to do with him.” As if you did.

Lawyer Nancy Tagle of the Bureau of Immigration (BI) in Cebu told the Philippine Daily Inquirer that Senator Lacson acted as if “he didn’t want to be noticed.” Unfortunately, everyone, with the exception of NBI agents, did notice him.

Last Saturday, Senator Panfilo Lacson arrived in Lapu-Lapu City in Cebu… not to avoid the media in Manila but because his wife, Alicia wanted dried mangoes as pasalubong.

Reports say Senator Panfilo Lacson was wearing a hat and sunglasses when he arrived in Cebu. When he arrived in Manila, he was wearing a smile.

Top 6 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Senator Lacson in his Scheduled Press Conference Monday (Or You’re Dead)

No. 6: Was there a third party in the breakup of Jodi and Pampi?

No. 5: You said you didn’t do it and Erap has also denied doing it. Was it suicide then?

No. 4: Who among your advisers and PR consultants thought of linking Cezar Mancao to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima?

No. 3: What the f*ck were they thinking?

No. 2: Do you want to thank anyone in Malacañang?

And the No. 1 question you should not ask Senator Lacson in his scheduled press con…

Did you enjoy watching the NBI’s and the PNP’s yearlong Moro-moro?

In other news…
Cong. Manny Pacquiao said if his father had used a condom, he wouldn’t be here today. I say had Manny Pacquiao used one, he would have not fathered a child with a woman other than his wife.

Manny Pacquiao has deleted his Twitter account. Apparently, he could take punches but not punch lines.

OMG, LOL
The OED or Oxford English Dictionary’s 2011 edition has just added Internet-associated expressions like OMG (Oh My God), LOL (Laughing Out Loud) and IMHO (In My Humble/Honest Opinion). Failing to muster enough votes from OED’s board of directors were TTMO and NDRRMC.

Bottom Three
Idol hopeful Thia Megia was in the Bottom 3 last week but was nonetheless declared safe. Also in last week’s Bottom 3 were Merceditas Gutierrez and the Ligot couple.

March 27th.
On this day in…

1884: The first long-distance telephone call is made from Boston to New York. It abruptly ended when the guy in Boston said (in Filipino), “Tapos na ako! Ikaw?”

1938: Sino-Japanese War: The Battle of Taierzhuang takes place. The troop that can spell Taierzhuang correctly in one attempt will be declared winner.

1963: Quentin Tarantino is born. Chin first.

1968: Yuri Gagarin dies in a plane crash. He has completed his orbit on earth.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approves Pfizer’s prescription drug Viagra. In the Philippines, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile files a resolution commending Pfizer.

2006: Zacarias Moussaoui testifies in court that he is supposed to hijack a fifth airplane on September 11, 2001, and fly it into the White House. However, the flight of the fifth airplane, later identified as Cebu Pacific was delayed for three hours, ruining Moussaoui’s original plan.

2010: PLDT chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan addresses the graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University. He spoke about protecting the environment… specifically citing the importance of recycling plastics, paper, and graduation speeches.
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“It is not a Justice System. It is just a system.”
~Bob Enyart

Quote of the Weak

- Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao‘s tweetply to a Twitter follower who asked why he’s absent when the House of Representatives voted on the impeachment case against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez last March 21

How ironic! How gullible!
Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa wrote in her latest column: “We are gullible because we are not able or do not question information. We prefer to believe what other persons tell us.”

In that column, she discussed a purported Harvard study that found Filipinos to be the most gullible people in the world. Guess what? That supposed study was a “gawa-gawang” story she got from a satirical blog. Yari ka!

Dear Ms Pedrosa:
There are several people in this world that I find really gullible. And you are all of them!

Three Strikes
Strike 1: Paquito Diaz, dead! Not!
Strike 2: It’s Oban! No it’s Gaa!
Strike 3: Filipinos are gullible!
That’s three strikes. Sorry, you’re out!

Briefly Noted
The Philippine Daily Inquirer is the only local broadsheet that comes out with blind items in at least three sections: Entertainment (Rushes); Business (Biz Buzz), and Sunday Lifestyle. Here’s an intriguing item from today’s (3/27) issue. Girl cries ‘rape’-years later-and two most prominent families might end up in

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THE NEXT EPISODE

ABS-CBN’s Statement
Finally, ABS-CBN has issued a statement on the “Maalaala Mo Kaya” controversy and personally, I appreciate the network’s admission of its mistake. Part of the statement reads:

“Be that as it may, and after careful deliberation, MMK realizes that its writing and research pool may have been remiss in one thing—verifying with UPLB the veracity of the indicated facts of the letter sender. Having said that, MMK sincerely apologizes for the oversight.”

Amen!

This incident should serve as a lesson to its researchers and writers. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, nananahimik lamang. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, umiiyak o tumatawa lamang sa mga ginagawa n’yong kuwento sa inyong palabas. Maraming tagapanood: NAG-IISIP.

Top 5 Proposed Plots for the Next Episode of ABS-CBN’s “Maalaala Mo Kaya” (With Episode Title Suggestions)

No. 5:
Title: “Gamot”
Synopsis: Three summa cum laude graduates who belong to affluent families from Ayala Alabang Village couldn’t get a job. So they resorted to peddling drugs to equally wealthy patrons. But they got caught and jailed. Not used to staying in adverse environments like claustrophobic and dilapidated detention cells, they lost their minds. Authorities subsequently released them. However, the traumatic experience was too much for the rich kids, they never regained their sanity and became a trio of “grasa boys.”

No. 4:
Title: “Batchmates”
Synopsis: Two summa cum laude graduates from the Ateneo de Manila University were appointed to sensitive government posts. They were batchmates and friends from way back. They defended each other in legal battles. They were really that close. When male summa cum laude almost died after a heart surgery, female summa cum laude got so depressed. She eventually lost her mind and became a “babaeng grasa.” Male summa cum laude recovered. But when he discovered what happened to female summa cum laude, he himself sank into depression, lost his mind and became a “taong grasa.”

No. 3:
Title: “Abono”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Ateneo De Manila University robbed a government-owned bank and stashed away some 728 million pesos. He divided the loot among his friends – fellow thieves – who were running for elective posts that year. Hunted by authorities, he fled the country and worked in a fertilizer factory in Russia. Latest reports say his daily exposure to chemicals affected his health, specifically his brain. He eventually lost his mind and became a “lalaking grasa.”

No. 2:
Title: “Cellphone”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Assumption College became the country’s second highest-ranking government official. One day, she received a “magical cellphone” from the devil. The devil said she could use the cellphone to call anyone she wanted in order to win a hotly-contested presidential election. It turned out to be true! When the high-ranking female government official phoned an election official, her lead automatically ballooned to one million votes. She won the elections. However, the excitement brought about by the victory proved to be detrimental to her mental health. She eventually lost her sanity and became a “babaeng grasa.”

And the No. 1 proposed plot for the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya”…

Title: “Rehas”
Synopsis: Ten convicts in the assassination of a former senator were granted executive clemency. The murdered senator’s high-profile daughter was deeply shocked by the decision of the president whom she supported during the elections. When she learned about the decision, she went into hysterics on national TV, convulsed live in front of the cameras, lost her sanity (which has always been unstable to begin with), and never recovered. She eventually became a “babaeng grasa.” By the way, that high-profile daughter? She was a summa cum laude graduate of the Ateneo De Manila University.

In Other News…

Mancao To Tell All?
Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao of the now defunct Presidential Anti-Organized Task Force (which was used to be headed by Panfilo Lacson) is reportedly coming home to reveal everything he knows about the Dacer-Corbito double murder case. Some people are worried though because Mancao is telling his story via ABS-CBN’s “Maalala Mo Kaya.”

Legacy Group
After testifying against Celso De Los Angeles, two former employees of the Legacy Group were not able to sleep for two nights. Yup, two nights. But that’s nothing compared to Panfilo Lacson who hasn’t slept for a week.

Jude’s Wife
According to tabloids, former presidential son Jude Estrada’s wife Rowena is pregnant. The Catholic Church is checking on the possibility that this could be the second case… only the second case of Immaculate Conception in the history of Christianity.

Eraserheads Concert
A few days before the first Eraserheads reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s mother died. A day before the second reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s good friend Francis died. Utang na loob, no more third reunion concert please!

Did She Really Say That?
“Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano’ng itetext n’yo?”
~ Saksi anchor Vicky Morales to Joey De Leon at the wake of Francis Magalona
(Heckler says: Ang dapat na tanong Vicky, ‘Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano po ang gagawin n’yo kapag bigla ‘siyang nag-reply?’)

Have a great weekend!

_________
“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.”
~Zora Neale Hurston