DEAR CHAROS (MAMATAY MAN AKO!)

28 07 2013

PAALALA: Maaari kayong manalo ng 1,000 peso-load kung mahuhulaan n’yo ang pamagat ng episode natin ngayong gabi. Kailangang humula ka na bago matapos ang iyong pagbabasa. Dalawang mapapalad na readers ang magwawagi. [Per UTI-NCR Permit No. 10 Billion Peso-Pork Barrel. Series of 10 Years (And Counting)]

Maalaala Mo Nga Kaya
Episode No. 1148
July 2013

[Before you read the post, click video for background music.]

CHAROS SANTOZ:
Sa buhay ng isang tao, dumarating ang maraming suliranin. Ito ang sumusubok sa kanilang katatagan. Susuko ba siya o lalaban?

Ngayong gabi, ibabahagi ko ang kwento ng ating letter-sender – isang napakayamang businesswoman na nagpapatago sa pangalang Jonalyn.

Ito ang salaysay ng pait na kanyang nararanasan sa gitna ng pinagdadaanang karma problema. Tunghayan natin ang kanyang kwento.

Somewhere in an exclusive subdivision in Makati City
Sa bathroom

Ma’am Jona! Ma’am Jona! Nasa front page po kayo ng diyaryo!

Hayaan mo na ‘day! Marami lang talagang nagmamahal sa akin kaya binabati nila ako.

Pero ma’am, hidline KA! Nagbulsa daw po kayo ng halos 10 billions pork barrels! Kasabwat daw po n’yo ang mga pulitiko at ang mga ghosts NGOs.

Ay, putang-i*a! Akin na ‘yang diyaryo Inday, biliiiiiisssss!

1WMDEAR CHAROS,
Naliligo ako noon sa bathtub na punung-puno ng pera nang mabasa ko ang balita. Isinasangkot daw ako sa pork barrel scam na wala naman akong kaalam-alam.

Masakit Charos. Ilang taon kong inalagaan ang aking pangalan ‘tapos ngayon ay sisirain lamang ng mga dati kong empleyado. Mga walang utang na loob! Mga patay-gutom! Mga mababaho! Mga libagin! Mga ginagalis! Mga hinahadhad! Mga binubuni! Mga kinukurikung! Hindi ko ito palalampasin!

Inday, tapos na akong maligo! Palitan mo na itong pera sa bathtub. Madumi na! Itapon mo na!

- Yes ma’am!

Hindi ako nakapagpigil sa nabasa ko sa diyaryo Charos. Sinugod ko ang dati kong personal assistant na si Ben Lloyd na siyang pinagmulan ng walang basehang tsismis! Kinumpronta ko siya at ganito ang sumunod na pangyayari.

Hayup ka! Matapos kitang bihisan, arugain, palamunin, at pasuwelduhin, ito pa ang igaganti mo sa akin?!!?

Whatevs! True naman ang aking inispluk sa NBI ‘no?! Kaya tigilan mo na ang raket mo ‘teh!

Why are you doing this to me? Itinuring kitang parang tunay na anak!

Pinasuweldo mo lang… anak agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pamangkin muna? Ah basta! Ni-reveal ko na ang secrets mo mudra! Alam na ito ng buong mundo!

Walanghiya ka talaga! Bakla ka!

Argumentum ad hominem!

Ano ‘yon? Adik ka! Adik ka!

Ten billion in ten years! Ghost NGOs! My gad!

Promiscuous homo! Mahilig sa half-naked na selfie! Eeeew!

Pork barrel queen! Mas eeew!

I’ll see you in court!

I’ll see you in hell!

CHAROS, pakiramdam ko ay pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa nang mga oras na ‘yon. Pinagkatiwalaan ko siya nang lubos pero gano’n pa ang naging sukli niya sa akin: ang akusahan ako ng isang gawaing ni sa aking panaginip ay hindi ko naisip gawin.

Charos, wala akong alam sa pork barrel scam na ’yan! Wala! Mamatay man ako!

[Biglang nahimatay ang letter sender, nawalan ng malay for 10 minutes. ‘Buti na lang, saktong dumating ang kanyang anak na babae mula New York.]

1JD

Mom, you should rest ok. Let me take care of the house. Inday, pakikuha ang mga bote ng Evian at Aquafina sa stockroom. You handwash the curtains and the carpets kasi two days na raw na ‘di napapalitan. Don’t use tap water ok?! It’s unsanitary!

Hija, nagpa-deliver na ako ng Summit at Absolute, ‘yon na lang ang ipagamit mo sa paglalaba ni Inday.

Na-ah! I don’t trust local brands mom. By the way, napalitan na ba ni Inday ang pera sa bathtub? Gusto kong magbahbahd. Wait, did I get my Tegalog right? I’m tired mom. Been shopping in Manhattan for five months now. I need to relax! I miss our bathtub!

Go ahead hija! Kararating lang ng PDAF ni Senator XYZ. Na-encash na. ‘Yon ang nasa bathtub ngayon. You deserve that. Go! I’ll sleep muna.

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AKALA KO Charos ay mawawalang lahat ang aking problema paggising ko. Hindi pala! Bumungad naman sa akin ang mga larawan sa isang news site. Kasama ko raw ang dalawang senador at iba pang personalidad na iniuugnay rin sa pork barrel scam.

Ang tanong ko Charos… porke ba kasama ko sa party… kaibigan ko na? Porke ba naka-smile kaming lahat sa picture, kasabwat na? Porke ba nakahawak pa sa aking balikat, close na? Whatever happened to logic? Nasaan na ang pagiging patas ng media ngayon?

Grabeng manghusga ang publiko at ang mga journalists Charos. That’s just unfair. Pati ang pakikipagkaibigan ko sa mga high-profile people, apektado na. Nakakalungktot.

Kaninang umaga, ganito ang naging exchange namin sa text ni Senator X.

- Hi Senator. I have na the LVs and the Chanels for your wife. When could we possibly meet para mabigay ko sa ‘yo?

Hu u ?

Ang sakit Charos! Then, that same day ganito naman ang naging palitan namin ng message ni Congressman Y.

- Hi Cong! Jona here. Dinner tomorrow? Same place? :)

Wrong send ka. Wala akong kilalang Jona! Please erase my number!

HARSH! Dahil sa pork barrel scam na ‘yan, pati malalapit kong kaibigan, umiiwas na yata. Kanina lang, tinawagan ko si Senator Z at ito ang nangyari…

[Phone ringing]
- Senator Z speaking, how may I help you?

Hi Sen! Jona here, nakuha ko na ang cheque!

- Hello? Hello! Ikot ka nang konti, medyo malabo ang dating!

Senator… si Jona ‘to. Ayan, malinaw na ba? Sabi ko, natanggap ko na ang cheke!

- Hello! Hello?!! ‘Tang-i*a! Kung tatawag ka at ayaw mong magsalita, huwag ka nang tumawag! Abala ka! Punyeta!

CHAROS, I’ve never been treated this way in my entire life. At ‘yan ay dahil sa isang kasalanang ibinibintang sa akin. Namumuhay ako nang maayos, payapa at naaayon sa batas. Ako ang biktima rito! Wala akong kasalanan! Wala akong ninakaw na pork barrel! Ako ang biktima rito! Mamatay man ako!

[Muling nahimatay ang letter sender. Patapos na ang programa, wala pa rin siyang malay. Balikan natin ang ating host, si Ms Charos Santoz.]


Hindi masamang maghangad ng kaginhawaan sa buhay,
Subalit dapat nating tandaan na anumang bagay na nais nating makamit ay kailangang mapasaatin sa mabuting paraan.

Natunghayan natin ang kwento ni Jonalyn…
Tila nasa kanya na ang lahat: salapi, impluwensya, kapangyarihan, anak na ibinubuyangyang sa publiko ang luho sa katawan, at kasambahay na naglalaba gamit ang Evian.

Ngunit masaya ba siya?
Nakakatulog ba siya nang mahimbing sa gabi?
May mukha ba siyang maihaharap sa Panginoon pagdating niya sa langit?
In the first place, sa langit ba siya pupunta?
Don’t be so sure.

Hindi ko sinasabing guilty ang ating letter-sender sa mga akusasyon.
Nagtatanong lang po ako.
Hindi ako nanghuhusga! Promise.
Mamatay man ako.

[Biglang hinimatay si Ms. Charos Santoz. Hindi na pinabalik ng doktor. Hanggang sa muli… Kapamilya. THE END.]
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“BATHTUB”

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[Unfortunately, wala pong nakahula sa tamang episode title. Ilan sa mga ipinadalang sagot ay ang sumusunod: “Pork Barrel,” “Evian,” “Scam,” at “Mamatay Man Ako.” Salamat po!]
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“Pigs are dirty, but I will tell you something dirtier: Liars! Untruth always smells like rotten garbage!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“When I started boxing, of course I was planning, you know and thinking about getting to become a champion. So when I enter politics it’s the same thing. But, you know, it’s far away. It’s God’s will.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao on running for president

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Graphics: ToonClips.Com, EuropeVsNorthAmerica.Com, Philippine Daily Inquirer. Thank you!]





OF PICK-UP LINES AND SECRET ACCOUNTS

5 04 2013

HERE’S SOMETHING light for the weekend: an updated version of my original post published in 2011 – Pickup Lines from Famous Filipinos.

Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.

Chiz Escudero: Ngiti mo pa lang… lasing na ako.

JV Ejercito: Totoo ang mga narinig mong tsismis! Ang lahat sa akin… mataba.

Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva: Trip mo bang sumigaw ng “Oh my God!!!” ngayong gabi?

Grace Poe: Inaamin ko po, ako ay sobrang magalang. Pero sa ‘yo… pababastos ako.

Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?

Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.

President Noynoy Aquino: Matagal-tagal ko na ring ‘di napapaputok ‘tong baril ko. Gusto mong subukan?

Loren Legarda: Umamin ka! Nakita mo lang ako, naging luntian na ang paligid mo!

Cynthia Villar: Binasted ka ba ng nililigawan mo? Don’t worry, I’ll nurse your broken heart.

Meralco Chairman Manny Pangilinan: Lights on or lights off?

BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: Para sa ‘yo… handa kong ibuwis ang buhay ko.

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GMA7’s resident meteorologist Nathaniel ‘Mang Tani’ Cruz: Ayon sa satellite data… may PAGASA raw ako sa ‘yo.

Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Jack Enrile: Papatay ako para sa ‘yo.

Risa Hontiveros: Puwede ba kitang Akbayan? (Syet, ang korni!)

Nancy Binay: Kung may maitim kang balak sa akin… go lang! Anytime…

Jamby Madrigal: Kung sasali ako sa pa-raffle sa Twitter, gusto ko ikaw ang premyo.

GomBurZa: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”

Presidential sister Viel Aquino-Dee:

And finally…
Dick Gordon: Kung ipapahimas ko ba ang pangalan ko… hihimasin mo? Boom!

12
SECRET ACCOUNTS: According to the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, outgoing senator Manuel Villar and outgoing San Juan representative and senatorial candidate JV Ejercito both own “secret offshore corporations” in the British Virgin Islands. Ejercito neither confirmed nor denied the report. Instead, he blamed the allegation on his enemies – the facts.

PCIJ’s Malou Mangahas said JV Ejercito “evaded questions” on his “offshore accounts” in the Caribbean. Ejercito instead questioned the “timing” of the story as “highly suspicious.” To which Jinggoy Estrada said, “Hindi rin.”

The PCIJ also uncovered that businessmen Alan Ortiz and Jesus Alcordo had secret accounts in the British Virgin Islands which were not declared in their SALNs. Ortiz and Alcordo wished they were senatoriables so they could also blame politics.

The same PCIJ report says Imee Marcos owns secret accounts also in the British Virgin Islands. The report shocked the former congresswoman. All along, Imee thought she set up those accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Sen. Manny Villar also owns offshore accounts in the Caribbean. His wife, Cynthia Villar was not surprised at all saying, “Hindi naman kailangang ganon’n kagaling para magkaroon ka ng account doon.”
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“I am a politician which means I am a liar and a crook. When I am not kissing babies I am stealing their lollipops.”
~Tom Clancy

Tweet of the Weak: Lost In Translation
Apparently, Team Koko Pimentel thought people in Pangasinan spoke Kapampangan

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Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PHILIPPINE POLITICS

2 11 2008

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A WEEK AFTER the February 2006 standoff at the Marines headquarters in Fort Bonifacio and the succeeding raid at the Daily Tribune office, I came up with a list of 20+ things I learned from those recent events in Philippine politics. The Philippine Daily Inquirer published the list albeit trimmed to 18, while People’s Journal (lifting the same list from the PDI) printed it as an editorial the next day.

Home alone on a quiet All Souls Day, I opted to create a rather serious post today. Enjoy reading, and let’s continue heckling this week!

Some of the things I’ve learned from recent events in politics and government:

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns – the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Elsewhere…
Did Luchi Cruz-Valdez resign from ABS-CBN?
__________
Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment..
Edwin Percy Whipple





GIRL POWER

27 08 2008


Forbes’ Most Powerful Women
According to the newly-released ranking of Forbes Magazine, President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. Mrs. Arroyo was cited for having survived three impeachment attempts, three coup plots, and three bouts with upset stomach and diarrhea.

President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. That’s 10 places higher than her previous position. The ranking was based on press mentions, economic growth, wealth, and in Mrs. Arroyo’s case, the ability to create a new nation within a nation.

President Arroyo is one of the most powerful women in the world today… to which the First Gentleman said, “Of course I know. ‘Coz she’s always on top!”

Tax Evader?
The Supreme Court junked actress Judy Ann Santos’ motion to review the tax evasion case filed against her by the Bureau of Internal Revenue in 2005. Sought for a reaction, Juday told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ipapasa-Diyos ko na lang ito,” to which the Lord said, “Ipapasa na naman? Ano ka Meralco?”

Anti-Corruption Center
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez says the first ever institution in Asia that will focus on the study of corruption will be built here in the Philippines… mainly because we can supply the most number of experts on the subject.

Meralco Refund
The Manila Electric Company will start giving meter deposit refund plus interest to an estimated 1.8 million Meralco residential customers in November. To complement Meralco’s pa-pogi and pa-underdog campaign, Judy Ann Santos will be asked to shoot another infomercial… in jail.





QUESTIONS FOR JDV

26 05 2008

null Top 10 Pointless Questions to Ask Jose De Venecia Jr. When He Testifies Before the Senate

10: If you were a Star Wars character, who would you be and why?

9: Please complete the sentence: “A man with big ears has a long…”

8: Does it bother you when, walking with your wife Gina, you hear people say, “Ang sweet naman ng mag-ama!”

7: What do these people have in common aside from their name: Jose Marcelo Ejercito, Jose De Venecia, Jose Miguel Arroyo?

6: Where were you when Joey De Venecia III was smoking marijuana?

5: What advice can you give a man with a wife who refuses to shut up because of bitterness?

4: What is the origin of the idiom “sour grapes?”

3: Considering your vast knowledge on the subject, can you please define “corruption” in five words or less?

2: You are considered to be the father of the “pork barrel.” Your daughter died in a fire in 2004. Your son lost out the bidding to ZTE for the NBN project in 2007. You were ousted as House Speaker in 2008. And the ghost of the 500-million dollar NorthRail project continues to hound you up to this day. Mr. Congressman, do you believe in karma?

And the no. 1 pointless question to ask Cong. Jose De Venecia Jr. when he testifies before the Senate…

1: When will you fix the roof of your house?





PIGS

3 04 2008

null Signature Campaign for Erap

Character actor Rez Cortez, one of the initiators of the ERAP 2010 for President Movement vows to gather one million signatures by April 19 to persuade the former president to run for president in 2010. Apparently, Cortez is not aware that Erap’s campaign started the day he was pardoned.

null Signature Campaign for Erap II

Character actor Rez Cortez launched a signature campaign to persuade former president Joseph Estrada to run for president in 2010. Erap is exercising extra caution though because the last time Cortez led a similar campaign, his presidential candidate ended up dead.

null Bishops and Land Reform

Twenty-nine Catholic bishops, including six archbishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. Hinay-hinay lang po… buhay pa si Tita Cory.

Bishops and Land Reform II

Six archbishops and 23 bishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. When Hacienda Luisita owner and former president Corazon Cojuangco Aquino heard the news, the more she wished she’d live longer.

Swine Program Scam?

The Commission on Audit reported that billions of pesos allotted for the government’s swine program were missing. Babuyan na ‘to!

Nograles and Corruption null

House Speaker Prospero Nograles is pushing for the passage of anti-corruption bills saying corruption is a “deadly virus.” Virus? Yes. But deadly? May narinig na ba kayong congressman na namatay dahil sa pork barrel?

 Gabby, GMA, and ABS-CBN

Comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is under fire for signing a movie contract with GMA Films several weeks back and accepting the 1.5 million-peso downpayment. When he returned home though, he opted to become an exclusive ABS-CBN tv and movie talent.  GMA Films is asking Concepcion to at least honor his movie commitment – a plea that would likely fall on deaf ears. How do you expect him to honor a film project when he has failed to honor his commitment to at least three women he married?  





THE TRUTH

3 03 2008

Breaking News!

This is Heckler News Network (HNN) and we’re bringing you this breaking news live from an undisclosed location in the Philippines. Here’s HNN correspondent Polly T. Caliumor…

HNN Correspondent: Good evening! For the first time since President Arroyo assumed office seven years ago, HNN is giving you the exclusive, unprecedented, and I must say extremely rare interview with someone who’s been in the news recently. The political opposition has been looking for it. The bishops, the academe, the businessmen, the masses are asking for it. Even Malacañang claims to be searchin’ too.
Kaya ngayon mga mahal naming tagapanood, inihahatid namin ang matagal na ninyong hinahanap. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon…

Pero bago ‘yan, may pakiusap nga pala siya. Sana raw ay huwag nang ipakita ang kanyang mukha. Iginagalang po natin ang kahilingan ng ating guest kaya, pagbibigyan natin siya.

Ladies and gentlemen, live ngayong araw na ito dito sa Heckler News Network, ang matagal n’yo nang hinahanap…

…  si TRUTH.
HNN: Welcome to HNN Truth.
TRUTH: Careful… careful!

HNN: Alam mo Truth, kaboses na kaboses mo si Ate Luds, eye to eye kang makipag-usap at see-true pa ang suot mo. Hindi kaya siya at ikaw ay iisa?
TRUTH: Wala namang bastusan. Pinagbigyan na nga kita sa exclusive interview ‘tapos mambabastos ka pa. Konting respeto naman. Tsaka, never kong pinangarap maging anak ‘yong tsismosang columnist ng Inquirer ‘noh!

HNN: Oh, I am so sorry. I really am. Sige, seryoso na tayo. Truth, bakit sa amin mo piniling magsalita? Bakit hindi sa GMA, sa ABS-CBN, sa ABC 5 o kaya sa Senado?
TRUTH: Ganito ‘yon ok? Kung pupunta ako sa ABS-CBN, baka maging half-truth na lang ako kapag ibinalita nila. Kung sa GMA naman… I’m sure, gagamitin lang ako sa ratings. Sa ABC 5? Ano ako, PBA?! At kung sa Senado naman… syet! Sobrang powerful at influential ng mga tao do’n. Baka pagpasok ko pa lang sa Senate compound, maging LIE na ako. Kaya dito na lang ako sa HNN, walang pinapanigan… walang pinuprotektahan… in the service of the Filipino people.

HNN: Unang tanong… bakit TRUTH ang pangalan mo?
TRUTH: Actually, TRU talaga ang pangalan ko dahil TOTOO ako… walang pagkukunwari. Pero alam mo naman, ang hirap magpakatotoo. Lalo na sa pulitika. You must exert extra effort to be believable. Kaya I try hard to be honest all the time. In fact, sa sobrang pagta-try ko, napansin ng aking nanay na nagiging TH na ko. OA na raw. Kaya ayun, nagpasya siyang dagdagan ng TH ang name ko. Ang TRU naging TRUTH.

HNN: I see. Alam mo Truth, mahigit pitong taon ka nang hinahanap ng maraming Pinoy. Obispo, estudyante, pulitiko, negosyante, squatter, komunista, Iglesia… lahat sila nagtatanong. When will TRUTH come out?
TRUTH: Whoa! Teka… teka. Linawin natin ‘to for the sake of our gullible viewers ok? Hindi po ako closet gay. When those people demanded that I come out, ibig sabihin po, lumantad, hindi lumadlad. Just so you know, hindi po bakla ang katotohanan. But don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the Danton Remotos or the Romulo Ner… I mean Rustom Padillas of this country. Nais ko lang ipaalam sa inyong lahat na walang kasarian ang katotohanan.

HNN: True! Pasok sa banga!
TRUTH: Anong sabi mo?
HNN: Ah eh… what I’m tryin’ to say was, I do agree with what you said. Eh Truth, baka gusto mong sagutin ang tanong ng marami. Where has TRUTH been? Kailan lilitaw ang katotohanan?
TRUTH: Bakit? Nawala ba ako? Never akong nawala. Kailanman ay hindi ako nawala. Sabi nga sa tagline ng paborito kong ‘90s series nina Fox Mulder at Dana Scully, ‘yong X Files: “The truth is out there.”

HNN: Out there? Saang “out there” eh three years ago pa pumutok ang “Hello Garci” controversy, pero never ka pa naming nakita. Na-expose na ‘yong kalokohan ni Jocjoc Bolante, sinundan pa nitong maanomalyang deal sa ZTE, pero may narinig ba kami sa ‘yo? Wala! At noong isang lingo… sa interfaith rally ng kulang-kulang otsenta mil na tao sa Ayala, kahit saglit ba, nakita man lang ba namin ang anino mo? H-I-N-D-I. Read my lips… hindi!
TRUTH: Tanga! Umaambon no’n, walang araw. Paano mo makikita ang anino ko! Bobo naman nitong correspondent na to! Hello!?! Michael Fajatin ikaw ba yan!?
HNN: Huwag kang magpatawa. Hindi ka kalbo at lalong hindi ka kongresista!
TRUTH: Hindi mo kasi nage-gets ang sinasabi ko eh. Hindi ako nagtago! Hindi ako nagtatago. At hindi ako magtatago. Huwag n’yo kong baligtarin.

HNN: Paanong huwag baligtarin eh never ka pa ngang nagsalita?
TRUTH: Hayyyy naku! Ang buko pie mo!
HNN: Buko pie?
TRUTH: Oo, buko pie. Ang Colette mo eh.
HNN: Ang corny huh!
TRUTH: Alam mo, kayong mga Pilipino ang may problema, hindi ako! Inuulit ko, hindi ako nawala. The TRUTH has always been there. Maraming beses na ‘kong nagsalita! Iba’t ibang venues at avenues na ang ginamit ko para mapansin n’yo. Pero matitigas ang ulo n’yo. Mayorya sa inyo, hindi man lang ako pinansin, nagtanga-tangahan… kunwari bulag… kunwari bingi. Pagkakatapos ng isang eskandalo, kapag wala na sa front page ng diyaryo… wala na. Next scandal please… Tapos umaasa na lang kayo na sana magtae at ma-confine ulit ang pangulo n’yo. O kaya atakihin ulit sa puso ang Unang Ginoo.

HNN: So ibig mong sabihin, kulang pa ang ginawa namin?
TRUTH: Actually hindi naman. Hindi kulang ang ginagawa n’yo! Kulang ang bilang n’yo! Pucha naman. Huwag naman n’yong iasa na lamang sa mga kumentarista ng DZMM o sa mga kolumnista ng Malaya ang laban. Ang dapat n’yong gawin, gisingin ang mga nagtutulug-tulugan. ‘Yong mga deadma, ipakagat sa bubuyog nang magising. Pero dapat ‘yong bubuyog… si Jollibee! (Syet, lumang joke!) Walumpung libo sa Ayala?!? Heller! Eighty million plus kayo? Nasaan ang iba?!
HNN: So ibig mong sabihin, magpapakita ka sa rally kapag umabot ang “warm bodies” sa isang milyon?
TRUTH: Tanga! Ano ako militar?
HNN: Eh kelan ka nga lalabas?!?
TRUTH: Naknamput*! Katulad ng sabi ko, nandy’an lang ako. The truth is just there. Alam ng tao ang totoo. Pero hindi ako ang kailangang lumabas o magpakita. Kayong mga Pilipino ang dapat mauna. Ang hirap kasi, in denial ang marami sa inyo eh. You do know the truth pero takot kayong tanggapin ito. Come out! Face the truth. Harapin n’yo ko!

HNN: Can you cite an instance kung kelan ka nagpakita in the past?
TRUTH: Ilang beses na! Iba’t ibang katawan na nga ang sinapian ko para lang maramdaman n’yo pero wa epek pa rin. No’ng mag-testify si Udong Mahusay, naroon ako! Pero anong nangyari? Wala. May kinasuhan ba ‘yong senador na nilapitan ni Udong? Wala! Ginamit lang siya. Pero syet naman… I was there at that very moment. Matapos ang sunud-sunod na hearing, kinalimutan na ako. And I resented that. I totally resented that!

HNN: Any message to the Filipino people na naghahanap sa ‘yo?
TRUTH: Ano ito Startalk? Message ka d’yan! Hindi na kailangan. Babati na lang ako. Salamat sa Sari-Sari for my clothes at kina Dr. Manny and Pie Calayan for my recent rhinoplasty. At sa mga nagtatanong kung bading daw ba si Dr. Manny, ito lang po ang masasabi ko. I am the Truth kaya never akong nag-lie! Lalaki po siya. Minsan!

HNN: Hypothetical lang Truth… paano kung ipa-review ng Malacañang ang aircheck ng interview na ito at ipahanap ka?
TRUTH:I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. Dahil mula’t mula pa, Malacañang knows who, where and what I am. Alam ng palasyo ang katotohanan.

HNN: Sa palagay mo, kailan mahihinto ang paghananap ng mga Pinoy sa ‘yo?
TRUTH: I think kapag na-realize nilang kasama nila ako araw-araw. Kapag mas nakakaraming bilang na sa kanila ang tumanggap sa akin. Kapag tuluyan na silang nagising na mahirap palang hanapin ang isang bagay na hindi naman talaga nawawala. I reiterate… the Truth is just out there (Play X Files Theme) Kailangan n’yo lang yakapin at ipaglaban.

HNN: Maiba ako ng usapan. Anong masasabi mo sa balitang nagkabalikan na ulit sina Gretchen at Tonyboy?
TRUTH: Naku! Hindi ko na sakop ‘yan. Kasinungalingan na ‘yan. Remember, I am the Truth. At ilang ulit ko bang sasabihin sa ‘yo na hindi ako showbiz! Wala akong hilig d’yan!

HNN: We still have a minute to go. You wanna add anything?
TRUTH: Wala na. I really need to go dahil last few episodes na ng Marimar. Ayaw kong mamiss ang kasal nila ni Sergio.

HNN: And that’s the Truth!

Have a great week!

THIS JUST IN…

null Weird Octopus!

A rare six-legged octopus has been discovered off the coast of north Wales in England. A normal octopus has eight legs. I therefore conclude that this new discovery – is an insect.





(P)RESIDENT EVIL

19 02 2008

null
Neri and GMA

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada revealed that Commission on Higher Education Chairman Romulo Neri once described President Arroyo as “evil.” Well, that explains why three impeachment complaints didn’t work on her. Maybe, an exorcism will.

Neri and GMA II

According to Jun Lozada, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri described President Arroyo as “evil.” Now we know why the CBCP is so afraid of her.

Neri and GMA III

CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri described President Arroyo as “evil.” Now we know why she could speak 15 different languages, some of which ordinary Filipinos wouldn’t normally understand.

Neri and GMA IV

According to Jun Lozada, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri called President Arroyo “evil.” So what does that make of Mikey, Dato and Luli? Anak ng De*onyo?!? Ouch!

Neri and GMA V

An incensed Mikey Arroyo lashed out at Jun Lozada for saying that Romulo Neri had described his mother as evil. Mikey allegedly threatened that if their paths crossed, he would attack Lozada… with his horns.

Neri Will Stay

Amid calls for him to step down and abandon President Arroyo, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri said he “had no reason to and I have no intention to resign.” Romy Neri is now officially… possessed.

Money for Lozada

The good news? The “sanctuary fund” being raised by the Senate for Jun Lozada has reached 500,000 pesos. The bad news? That’s just one fourth of his kids’ tuition at La Salle Greenhills.

Money for Lozada II

The good news? The “sanctuary fund” being raised by the Senate for Jun Lozada has reached 500,000 pesos. The bad news? That’s just half of the interest he needs to settle with Citibank.

In Other News…

Sen. Bong Revilla was hospitalized because of chest pains making him unavailable in the ongoing Senate hearings. If it’s any consolation, hindi halata.

JDV and the 2004 Polls

Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. will file a resolution seeking to probe the alleged cheating in the 2004 elections. Uyyy, may nagpapapansin.

JDV and the 2004 Polls II

The good news from Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr.: he’s reportedly filing a House resolution seeking to investigate the alleged cheating in the 2004 elections. The bad news for him – we already have a hero in Jun Lozada. He should pretend to be one some other time.

From My Inbox

Lozada: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese

Atienza: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Hawaiian

Lacson: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay

Jamby: 1/2 Boy, 1/2 Girl

Enrile: 1/2 GMA, 1/2 Erap

GMA: 1/2





AY… WITNESS!

10 02 2008

null Top 5 (Rumored) Desperate Plans of Some Palace People to Discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr.

5: Linking him politically to Joey De Venecia by circulating photographs showing the both of them getting the same style of haircut at the same salon from the same haircutter. (Aba, close nga!)

4: Distributing an edited footage of last week’s Senate inquiry leaving only the parts where Lozada is alternately seen laughing and crying. Consequently, Mike Defensor will organize a press conference to present a psychiatrist who’d tell the public that Lozada is mentally-unstable and therefore, not a credible witness.

3: Producing documents that will prove that he is a direct descendant of the Chinese family who – according to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, “invented corruption.”

2: Presenting to the media photos of five imported goats (worth 20,000 pesos each) reportedly taken at the Lozada household. The Lozada children will later be accused of keeping them as pets illegally.

And the No. 1 (rumored) desperate plan of some palace people to discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr…

1: Spreading the rumor that he and ChEd Chairman (the very single) Romulo Neri are not just friends but secret lovers. (How sweet!)

Enjoy the rest of the week!








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