CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

23 05 2012

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.


Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?


Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha


Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!


Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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