RUMORS, FACTS & HUMOR

Fifty Baseless Facts About the Government and Political Figures

No. 1: Joseph Estrada was a virgin when he married Luisa Ejercito.

No. 2: Manny Villar was so poor, his parents were only able to have him circumsized when he was already 16.

No. 3: In high school, Renato Corona was voted “Most Likely to Get Away With Anything.”

No. 4: On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Tito Sotto.

No. 5: Serafin Cuevas helped craft the Code of Hammurabi.

No. 6: Niel Tupas hated math in grade school. He’s poor in counting.

No. 7: The Imelda Marcos we see in Congress today is not the real Imelda Marcos. The former First Lady died in New York in 1999 at age 70.

No. 8: Juan Ponce Enrile can recite pi to 500 digits.

No. 9: The all-time favorite movie of Koko Pimentel’s ex-wife, Jewel May Lobaton is “Unfaithful.”

No. 10: By the time a congressman completes his first term, his net worth has increased by 85 percent.No. 11: Loren Legarda’s first ‘crush’ was her 25-year-old neighbor. She was only 10 then.

No. 12: President Aquino has nocturnal enuresis.

No. 13: Until 2010, Mar Roxas didn’t know how to ride a bicycle.

No. 14: Panfilo Lacson sleeps with a gun under his pillow.

No. 15: Grace Lee is allergic to second-hand smoke.

No. 16:   Toby Tiangco finished first runner-up in the ‘Mr. Xavier School’ pageant in 1985. The title was won by sophomore student Jose ‘JV’ Ejercito.

No. 17: Lawyer Karen Jimeno was born male.

No. 18: Ricky Carandang has a secret account on Twitter.

No.19: A recent study revealed 10 out of 5 opinion columnists of the Philippine Daily Inquirer believed Chief Justice Renato Corona would be convicted.

No. 20: Jejomar Binay switches to 24Oras whenever Korina Sanchez is reading the news on TV Patrol.No. 21: Bong Revilla converted to Islam in 2002.

No. 22: Next to Revilla, Edgardo Angara is the most sexually active member of the Senate.

No. 23: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is taller in the afternoon.

No. 24: Lawyer Ferdie Topacio worked as a standup comic to finance his post-grad studies.

No. 25: Under ‘Assets,’ Ronald Llamas declared in his SALN some 1,750 DVDs, VCDs, and CDs.

No. 26: DFA Secretary Albert Del Rosario, the richest cabinet member has 85 dollar acounts.

No. 27: Franklin Drilon has tried at least three diet programs in the last three years: Atkins, Cohen, and South Beach.

No. 28: A classified report showed 8 in 10 Customs officials/employees have accepted bribes and other gifts from smugglers.

No. 29: Mommy Dionisia noticed Manny Pacquiao’s homosexual tendencies in high school. She forced him to try boxing.

No. 30: Since DLSU joined the UAAP in 1986, DepEd’s Bro. Armin Luistro has never missed a single La Salle Archers game.

No. 31: Feeling insulted, Butch Abad rejected an endorsement offer from Svenson.

No. 32: Lito Lapid is undergoing therapy for epistemophobia.

No. 33: The Black and White Movement is the most dominant political party in the country today; in close second, Akbayan.

No. 34: Prospero Pichay eats all kinds of vegetables except for pechay.

No. 35: ETC Channel has offered the Basa sisters a reality show.

No. 36: The date of release of SWS and Pulse Asia surveys is subject to the approval of the Presidential Communications Group.

No. 37: Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa is Chief Justice Renato Corona’s ‘eyes & ears’ in Malacañang.

No. 38: Jules Ledesma can speak Latin, Greek, and Sanskrit all at the same time. He is also ambidextrous, a somnambulist and a contortionist.

No. 39: Malacañang has postponed the release of the new 2,000-peso bill that promotes motherhood. The denomination features Kris Aquino, Josh, and Bimby..

No. 40: At least three senators admitted they have had ‘experience’ with the third sex, two during college and another, “just recently.”

No. 41: Kim Henares and Dinky Soliman are first cousins.

No. 42: When Mar Roxas lost the vice presidency, Judy Araneta-Roxas texted Korina Sanchez and said, “Jinx!”

No. 43: Jamby Madrigal was a national arm wrestling champion in grade school.

No. 44: In no particular order, the three government officials with the highest Temple Run scores are Tesda’s Joel Villanueva, MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino and Health Undersecretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

No. 45: Manoling Morato did the styling (including hair and make up) of co-host Maggie De La Riva in the controversial PCSO program “Dial M.’’

No. 46: Viel Aquino-Dee was bullied by Kris Aquino when they were young. She has yet to recover from the trauma.

No. 47: Conchita Carpio-Morales was a piranha in her past life.

No. 48: On the average, Sharon Cuneta-Pangilinan tweets 850 times a day: 500 replies to her bashers, and 350 Biblical quotes.

No. 49: Abigail Valte spends 45 minutes fixing her eyebrows daily.

No. 50: Chiz Escudero has a twin sister named Villa.

*Rumors, Facts and Humor was also the title of a defunct local showbiz talk show.
——————————–
“There are no facts, only interpretations.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Photo of the Weak
Caption this!

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“What is clear between us is that the [reported] third party was not the reason for the separation.”
A: Sen. Koko Pimentel
B: Jewel May Lobaton (Pimentel)
C: Sen. Chiz Escudero
D: Christine Flores (Escudero)

You Have Spoken
Ano ang nais mong maging hatol ng impeachment court kay CJ Corona?
-Acquit! 35.63%
-Convict! 54.45%
-Problema na nila ‘yon. Wala akong pakialam. 9.91%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz: B.

ALMOST IDOL AND A BROKEN MARRIAGE

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona is expected to conclude next week. After the oral arguments, the public has four hours to vote for an acquittal or a conviction.

On Day 42 of his impeachment trial, Chief Justice Renato Corona told the senator-judges he was willing to sign a waiver on his bank accounts – without any condition. Congressman Niel Tupas can relax now.

Following Corona’s challenge earlier this week,  seven congressmen expressed willingness to sign waivers on their bank deposits. The rest couldn’t be reached for comment ‘coz they were busy withdrawing their money.

Chief Justice Renato Corona revealed he was warned last December by “my kumpa-kumpare” in Malacañang that his account would be ordered frozen. In another story dismissed as totally unrelated by the palace, President Aquino has ordered a loyalty check in Malacañang.

During a break in the impeachment trial, members of the Basa family approached Chief Justice Renato Corona and hugged him in an apparent gesture of reconciliation. For a moment, I thought Kiko Pangilinan and Tito Sotto would follow suit!

Civic leader Baby Nebrida a common friend of the feuding families served as the peacemaker, mediating between the Basa sisters and Mr & Mrs. Corona. Nebrida is now the frontrunner for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.

IT’S ALL OVER. Phil Phillips is the new American Idol. OUR Jessica Sanchez is the runner-up. There’s a new rule though: If, for any reason, the new American Idol fails to fulfill his duties, the runner-up will take his place.

Remember when Manny Pacquiao declared that Jessica Sanchez would win “in the name of Jesus?” Well, Jesus just released a statement saying he had nothing to do with it.

I’d like to know who “misquoted” Manny Pacquiao this time.

A total of 132 million votes were cast for American Idol while 129 million votes were cast in the 2008 US presidential elections. Americans sure know their priority.

For the fifth year in a row, another cute young white boy with guitar won in ‘American Idol.’ The better performer was outvoted. Mitt Romney has a chance of winning the presidency in November.

Jessica Sanchez lost in Season 11 of American Idol. DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas couldn’t accept it. He wanted Jessica to file a protest.

Broken Marriage
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”

Koko Pimentel has announced his separation from 1998 Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Jewel May Lobaton, his wife of almost 12 years. Pimentel realized he’s not really into beauty queens, just beauty pageants.

Jewel May Lobaton is being romantically-linked to her fellow Ilonggo, Bacolod Representative Anthony Rolando T. Golez Jr. But the lawmaker denied reports that he caused the split. To disprove the rumor, Golez has expressed willingness to sign a waiver to open his heart.

Loren Legarda, Chiz Escudero, Pia Cayetano, Koko Pimentel. The Senate is the most unromantic place in the Philippines right now.

TPO Granted
The court has granted Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago’s petition for temporary protection order vs. the Tulfo brothers. That’s the same petition Raymart would often ask the court whenever he and Claudine fought.

No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.
——————————
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
~ Minnie Pearl

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“I am going to be refraining from replying to hateful & hurtful messages. I don’t like that they bring out the worst in me. I am upset at myself for replying even to mga walang kwenta naman na tweets. When someone is mean to me for no reason, I want to be meaner to them. And then I feel bad about myself kasi I stooped down to a level I never should have.”

A: Cristine Reyes
B: Sharon Cuneta
C: Lea Salonga
D: Rhian Ramos

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quiz: B.

CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.

Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?

Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha

Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!

Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

ANONYMOUS

Half-Filipina Jessica Sanchez is through to the finalé of American Idol Season 11. Two weeks back, Manny Pacquiao declared that she would win the title “in Jesus’ name.” I hope Pacman was not misquoted. Good luck Jessica!

“Ako ay natutuwa at nagpupugay sa tagumpay ng kababayan nating si Jessica Sanchez. Ang kanyang talento ay tunay na ikinararangal nating lahat. Nawa’y makamit niya ang titulo sa susunod na linggo. Karangalan siya ng ating bansa. Mabuhay ka Jessica!”
~ (Insert politician’s name here)

ANONYMOUS, an impeachment trial regular granted this blog a quick interview via Facebook chat. But ‘Anonymous’ remains evasive despite his/her newfound fame. Here are excerpts from the exclusive conversation.

Kumusta ka na?

Heto, malihim pa rin.

Sino ka ba talaga?

Secreeeet.

Sige, kung ayaw mong ‘pakilala, ano na lang ang gender mo?

Depende. Minsan, nag-aanyong small lady ako. Minsan naman, presidente ng bangko. Depende talaga sa sitwasyon eh. At depende sa kukuha ng serbisyo ko.

Saan ka ba nakatira?

Depende rin. Pero lately, napapadalas ako sa mga gate.

Gate nino?

Depende pa rin. Pwedeng gate ng kongresista o kaya gate ng civil society leader. Walang permanente eh.

Last Wednesday, galit na galit sa ‘yo si Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Nabulyawan tuloy si Harvey Keh. Anong reaksyon mo?

Naloka nga ako kay senadora. Talak nang talak. For a brief moment, akala ko a-appear si Mon Tulfo to take photos. ‘Buti na lang, wala siya sa Senado. Otherwise, baka may naganap na namang bugbugan. Kaloka.

“Naloka” ka? A-ha! Babae ka ‘no?

Secreeet!

Ipapadampot ka raw ni Senator Santiago sa PNP at AFP.

Ha-ha-ha Bakit? May ideya ba sila sa hitsura ko? Eh ‘yun ngang Palparan at Joel Reyes na nasa diyaryo halos araw-araw ang mukha, ‘di nila mahuli-huli, ako pa kaya? Isang malaking good luck!

Marami ka raw alam tungkol sa bank accounts ni Chief Justice Corona? Saan mo ba kinuha ‘yong mga impormasyon na ‘yon?

Depends. Iba’t iba ang source ko eh.

Are these verified sources?

Depends.

Anong depends? Either your sources are credible or not!

I will not rely on dubious sources! Your assertion is totally baseless.

You are now arguing with the blogger/interviewer!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted!

Noted.

Noted your face! Sumasagot-sagot ka pa! Gusto mo talaga ikaw ang may last word. Now, let me reform my question. Kilala mo ba si Congressman Umali, si Harvey Keh o si Bolet Banal?

No.

Kung ‘di ka nila kilala, bakit tumanggap sila ng envelope mula sa ‘yo?

I am not competent to answer that question.

Sinungaling!

Kung ‘di ka pala naniniwala sa akin, eh ‘di tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to!

Again, you’re arguing with the interviewer/blogger!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa again.

Apology accepted again at ‘wag kang maka-noted-noted dahil hindi ka si Kiko Pangilinan!

‘K.

Any final message sa mga nagbabasa ng panayam na ito…

Mga kababayan, unawain po ninyo kung bakit hindi ako makalantad. Kailangan ko ng seguridad. Ayokong ma-Alfred Mendiola alias Bading. Sa tamang panahon, malalaman n’yo rin ang tunay kong katauhan.

Siguro bading ka rin ‘no?

Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

Homophobic! Humanda ka sa LGBT!

Oh, I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted.

Nota! I mean, noted!

-End of Interview-

From the Tabloids!

PNoy at Grace Lee, friends na lang
> Katulad ng inaasahan

PNoy kay CJ: Walang personalan
> Silang dalawa, ‘di ba pwedeng magkaibigan?

Pacman hinamon ng suntukan ng mga beki
> Ah ito talaga, ‘di pwedeng friends

Pagbatikos ni Manny sa mga bakla, oks sa CBCP
> The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Pacquiao: Hindi ako galit sa mga bading
> CBCP nawalan ng kakampi

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> Ayaw nila; takot sila kay Pacquiao

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> DepEd secretary pumalag

$12M ni Corona ‘di kasinungalingan – Ombudsman
> Baka “gawa ng demonyo?”

Kulang sa sukat, puwedeng mag-pulis
> Sukat ng t’yan?

Dahil sa titig, sekyu patay
> If looks could kill, it will

Turistang Intsik sa PH, pinauuwi na ng China
> ‘Yong mga drug traffickers na Intsik, isama n’yo na!

Claudine, handang bigyan ng ‘psychological treatment’ ng Gabriela
> Psychologically ill s’ya?

Ex-PGMA magpapasuri sa puso
> Nagli-leak ulit? Ooops, puso pala. Akala ko s*so. Mea culpa

Batas vs premature campaigning ikakasa
>Bong, Chiz, Cynthia Villar at Joel Villanueva ng Tesda, naalarma

Good News: Ate Shawie, ‘di na napipikong tawaging balyena
> Bad News: Mga balyena, napikon nang tawaging Shawie!

Helen Gamboa, takot sampalin si Susan (Roces)
> Si Sharon na lang daw, pwede?

Bong, pinayuhan si Alma sa pagpasok sa Senado
> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi, walang bait sa sarili

Lani Mercado, ‘di tatakbong senador
> Thank you!

Alma Moreno tatakbong senador
> No, thanks.

(Thanks to Remate, Abante Tonite, Abante, Hataw, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pinoy Parazzi)
———————————————-
“The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.”
~ Marla Maples

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“Final three na! Go Jessica Sanchez! Make our country proud! Meanwhile, if CJ Corona testifies truthfully, final episode na rin… ”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Miro Quimbo
C: Cong. Erin Tañada
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer:
C: Cong. Erin Tañada via Twitter

INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL 2

THE DEVIL IS BACK. Last Friday, he was spotted at Fiamma Bar in Makati City. You know what happened next. A young actor was mauled. And on Sunday afternoon, he dropped by NAIA Terminal 3. An actress lost her temper, and an action star traded punches with a columnist. Now, the devil is threatening to disrupt the Corona Impeachment Trial which resumes Monday, May 7. He’s just unstoppable these days. Disturbing.

Saying he had fun answering questions during last week’s interview, the devil granted us another exclusive. This is our Interview With the Devil Part 2.

Kumusta na? What’s up?

Proud demonyo pa rin. And still… winnnning!

Grabe ka. Ano naman ‘yong ginawa mo sa NAIA kanina?

Wala lang. Pinag-rumble ko lang naman ‘yong mag-asawang celebrity at ‘yong maangas na kolumnista. Ang saya! Aliw na aliw ako habang pinapanood sila. Alam mo ‘yong feeling na fulfilled ka? Gano’n ang naramdaman ko.

Ang sama mo!

Thank you!

Wala bang umawat?

Meron naman, pero meron ding tatanga-tanga. Nanood lang. Sa tingin mo ba mamamaga ang mukha ni Tulfo kung alerto ang mga guards? Helllloooo! Lest you forget, worst airport kayo sa buong mundo. Nasa top na rin lang kayo, eh ‘di panindigan na!

Parang ang saya mo.

Eh kasi it all worked out as I exactly planned. Pinagmukha ko silang cheap. Magsuntukan ba naman sa harap ng mga kids at ng publiko! Goodbye civility! Bwaha-ha-ha!

You are so wicked.

Thank you! Btw, did you see my protégé Claudine? Sipa dito, sipa doon. Beautiful! What a showcase of uncouth behavior! I am so proud of her! At si Mon Tulfo? Ang tapang-tapang niya sa radyo ‘di ba? Mula’t simula bentang-benta sa akin ang angas n’ya. Gustung-gusto ko ang pagmumura niya. Pero kanina, hindi siya nakakasa! Bwa-ha-ha Akala ko pa naman hard-hitting journalist siya. This time, hindi siya naka-hit! Nga-nga! Bwahahaha

So, feeling mo may na-achieve ka?

Naman! Claudine Barretto at Ramon Tulfo yata ‘yan! Do you realize that? Claudine at Tulfo – kolumnista ng number 1 newspaper in your country – nagsapakan! Hindi lang Angelica Jones o Madam Auring ‘yan! Kumbaga sa cellphone sa Greenhills, Class A! You know what I’m saying? I think I sort of overachieved this weekend.

So, you’re taking credit for this mess?

Definitely. But with the help of my favorite airline, Cebu Pacific. Naiwang luggage, delayed flights… what else is new? Sinong pasahero ang hindi mapapamura sa serbisyo nila? Cebu Pacific’s consistency at inefficiency is marvelous! Keep it up guys!

Fine! Eh ano naman ang nangyari sa Fiamma Bar last…

Wait lang huh, i have a phone call.

Hello? Who’s this?

- Demonyo ka! Binura mo na naman ang number ko?

Sorry, nagpalit ako ng phone. Sino ba ‘to? Congressman?

- Gago! Si Mike ‘to.

Defensor?

- Hindiii!

Tyson?

- Bobo! Nagtatagalog ba si Mike Tyson?

Malay ko ba! Eh sino ka nga?

- Si FG ‘to!

Ahhh, Attorney! Long time no hear. ‘Musta ang Hong Kong? And’yan ka raw?

- Ssssh. ‘Langhiya ka, ang ingay mo! Baka pag-initan na naman ako nung matandang binata sa palasyo. Babalik ako next week.

O, napatawag ka?

- Eh kasi nabalitaan ko ang nangyari sa kupal na kolumnista kanina sa airport.

Oo nga pala ‘noh. BFF mo dati si Tulfo bago kayo nag-away. What’s your concern?

- Malaki ba ang pasâ? Nabugbog ba?

Kinda. Punyeta ka. Happy ka ‘no? Kayo talaga! Palibhasa like poles repel. Sige na, may interview pa ko. Wait! ‘Wag ka na lang kaya bumalik? Magtago ka na sa ibang bansa!

- Ulol! Huwag mo ‘kong tuksuhin!

Ano ka ba!? Nasa Hong Kong ka na. Samantalahin mo na! Lumayo ka na. Remember, may mga kaso ka! ‘Wag kang mag-alala, gagabayan kita. ‘To naman, ngayon ka pa ba mawawalan ng tiwala sa ‘kin?

- Paano ang asawa ko? Alangan namang pabayaan ko ‘yon.

Wushuuuuu. Ipokrito! Naisip mo ba ‘yan nang lumandi ka kay VT?

- Tarantado! Nag-move on na ko. Loyal na ‘to uy! Sige na nga. Bye na!

End of phone call

Ano nga ‘yong tinatanong mo?

‘Yong nangyari last Friday sa Fiamma Bar sa Makati. Nabugbog ‘yong isang batang aktor.

Yup! I was there. And it felt good. ‘Yong engkwentrong sampalan at sabuyan ng wine?!? Wow. Cinematic. Tinalo ang eksenang Lavinia at Dorina sa ‘Bituing Walang Ningning.’ Sahugan mo pa ng bugbugan sa parking lot. I have nothing but admiration for those kids. And they’re the pa-sosyal bunch huh, not the Baseco Compound type. At a young age, ini-embrace na nila ang kasamaan. I commend their parents for not rearing them well.

You saw what happened? And Andi…

Oh Andi! My beautiful Andi. She’s a role model to all unwed young, moms out there. She’s got a four-month-old baby, and yet, look where she was last Saturday… madaling araw na, lumalaklak pa ng alak. I like this girl. Truly adorable.

And how about the supposed victim, the young actor…

Si Andi na mismo ang nagsabi, nambubugbog ‘yang batang ‘yan. Amazing! He’s got a bright dark future ahead of him. Aalagaan ko ‘yan.

Maiba ako, balik-impeachment trial na naman ang Senado bukas. Sa palagay mo ba…

Oooops, phone call again. Sandali lang…

Hello? Who’s this?

- Pakyu ka! Huwag mo kong ma-‘Who’s this, who’s this’ kung ayaw mong ibreak kita d’yan…

Gusto ko ‘yang language mo! Ipagpatuloy mo lang. Sino ka nga ulit?

- Konting-konti na lang mapipikon na ‘ko sa ‘yo leche ka! Kailangan ko ‘yong LV bag ko na naiwan sa iyong kotse. Dalhin mo dito sa bahay! Ngayon na!

Eh sino ka nga?

- Rayver, ayoko ng ganyang biro? Tae ka!

Rayver? Bwa-ha-ha I wish!

- Pucha! Hindi ba si Rayver ‘to?

Nope!

- Oh fuccccccccck! Shet! Shet! Shet! Maling number na naman ang na-dial ko! ‘Tang-i*a!

End of call.

Sino ‘yon?

One of my favorites these days. Si Cristine. Patawa talaga ang batang ‘yon. Hindi pa rin nagbabago. She’s a pro!

Anyway, as I was saying, balik-impeachment trial na naman ang Senado on Monday. Any forecast?

I heard gagawin daw marathon ang trial ah. Magaling! Magaling! Magaling! Lalong mapapagod ang mga senator-judges. Madaling mag-iinit ang kanilang mga ulo! Magi-enjoy na naman ako sa mga sigawan, lektyur, supalpalan, plastikan at sagutan. Confusion is awesome! Chaos is inevitable! Hatred is love!

Talagang demonyo ka.

Thank you!

Ano ba ‘yong pinakaayaw mong part ng trial?

Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan? Siyempre ‘yong opening prayer! If it’s any consolation though, I can’t help but stand in awe of the hypocrisy of some of my minions in the impeachment court. Pray sila nang pray pero nakaw naman nang nakaw. Isn’t that worthy of praise? Mahal ko silang lahat. I’m sure, the feeling is mutual.

Ano ang pinaka-na-miss mo sa impeachment trial?

Everything about it. The black propaganda, the lies, the spins, the neglected duties of lawmakers, the biased media (great job!), the endless bickering between Malacañang and Corona, the silence of Lito Lapid, et cetera. These people inspire me to do more evil things.

Rapid Round na tayo… I will mention some names at sabihin mo ang unang bagay na maiisip mo about them.

Go!

Cong. Miro Quimbo

Appreciated ko ‘yong fact na kapag napu-push siya sa wall, bini-blame niya ang media. How creative! Never siyang umamin ng pagkakamali. Cunning. Mahal ko na siya.

Para namang may malisya ang pagkakasabi mo ng “Mahal…”

Madumi lang ang utak mo. Pero gusto ko ‘yan. Madumi. Alam mo na!

Export and Industry Bank

The best sila! Ang daming nalokong depositors. Bigla ba namang nagsara! Hahaha Maraming maghihirap. Yehey!

Hayup!

Thank you!

Cong. Rudy Fariñas

He has accomplished ‘things’ in his personal life that were beyond compare. I’m still in shock but I have to admit, I did like it, if you know what I mean. He’s also the richest prosecutor. What more could I ask for? I will always be an admirer.

Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre

I will miss his presence in the impeachment court. He’s an asset. And he’s really special – figuratively, and physically. Sayang.

Ramon Tulfo

The NAIA incident exposed his weakness. I’m disappointed. I expected more from him. But still I’m a believer. Knowing his style (which is a gift from me), gaganti at gaganti ‘yan. I can’t wait.

Gretchen Barretto
She used to be my favorite. But now, napag-iiwanan na siya ng kanyang bunsong kapatid. Wake up! It’s not too late. Magbalik-loob ka na sa akin.

Manny V. Pangilinan

MVP? Hmmm… definitely he’s not a sin. And I categorically deny that I created him as a lie. Hindi kami close. And I hate it. Maybe in the future, mapapasaakin din siya. Sana.

Last question… sa local showbiz, kanino ka pinaka-close ngayon. Heto ang choices: Annabelle Rama, Cristine Reyes, Andi Eigenmann & friends, o Raymart and Claudine & friends?

Kay Tita Annabelle pa rin.

Tita? Pamangkin ka niya?

Pakyu!

Ha-ha-ha Bakit si Annabelle Rama? Ayaw mo kina Claudine at Raymart? ‘Di ba mas gusto mo ang pisikalan?

Mas maraming kaaway si Annabelle Rama eh. Hindi nawawalan. May consistency ang kanegahan. ‘Tsaka sa tingin ko, mas mapera siya. Alam mo naman, for the love of money is the root of all me.

Eh ako, ayaw mo?

Eeeew. Wala kang pera! Nga-nga!

Hayuuup!

Thank you!
——————————————————————–
“Never do anything when you are in a temper, for you will do everything wrong.”
~Baltasar Gracian

Quotes Quiz: Who said these:
1: “I hate to admit it but I am a card carrying member of UHAW:.Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives.”
A: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan
B: Executive Sec. Jojo Ochoa
C: DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas
D: Sen. Bong Revilla

2: “Ayoko namang tumandang mag-isa. Gusto kong magkaroon ng marami pang anak, two or more.”
A: Sen. Francis Escudero
B: Piolo Pascual
C: Gretchen Barretto
D: Kris Aquino

Have a great week ahead! Mabuhay!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answers to Quotes Quiz:
1: Kiko Pangilinan
2: Piolo Pascual

SIZZLING SUMMER

THE SIZZLING WEATHER is almost unbearable. It’s stressful. It causes discomfort. It’s irritable. It makes you angry. It frustrates you. Probably, the same feeling you get when you lose your hacienda to the farmers, or when the media hounds you and your girlfriend.

You know it’s hot outside when… Chinese fishermen refuse to leave Philippine waters.

You know it’s really hot outside when… Sen. Manny Villar decides to bathe in a sea of garbage.

And you know it’s extremely hot outside when… people go to the House of Representatives just to stand next to something shady.

Metro Weather
According to PAGASA, the temperature in Metro Manila reached 36.2 degrees Celsius this week. You know it’s really hot when the numbers are higher than Chief Justice Corona’s trust rating.

The good news is the weather bureau is monitoring a tropical cyclone near the Philippine Area of Responsibility. It could bring some rains if it enters the country. The bad news is just this morning, the Chinese declared that the tropical cyclone was theirs.

To prevent illness, the public is advised to avoid “hot places.” PAGASA says the hottest spots these days include buildings with cemented surfaces; areas near bodies of water, and Silverio Compound in Parañaque City..

Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

Ambushed!
Eleven government soldiers and a civilian were killed in an ambush staged by the Communist New People’s Army in Ifugao. Close aides of Communist leader Jose Maria Sison were like: “Burger! Burger! Burger!”

Twelve people were killed by Communist rebels in Ifugao. As “tradition” dictates, the Commission on Human Rights will absolutely do nothing.

Influential
According to Forbes, Manny Pacquiao is the world’s fourth most influential athlete today. And according to Kerygma, Pacquiao is now the country’s third most influential preacher.

Pacman & Jessica
Manny Pacquiao has a message for Fil-Am Jessica Sanchez who’s now in the Top 5 of American Idol. Pacman was quoted to have said, “You’re gonna win, I declare it in Jesus’ name.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of Jesus.

Metta World Peace
The Los Angeles Lakers’ Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace was suspended for seven games for his violent behavior inside the court. When he retires, Artest looks forward to seeking the mayoral post in Davao City.

Fiery
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.
—————————————-
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
~Russel Baker

You Have Spoken
Kung may dapat gawaran ng National Artist Award, sino sa tatlong ito ‘yon?
- Dolphy 86.43%
- Nora Aunor 7.14%
- Vilma Santos 6.43%

Have a safe, healthy and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EARTH DAY 2012

THE 42ND EARTH DAY was observed worldwide on April 22, 2012. In the Philippines, prominent Filipinos and organizations joined the celebration.

1: First, let me tell you that this global warming/climate change thing is not a myth. If you’re still not convinced, please be informed that this morning, Vicki Belo’s face allegedly started to melt. We should be alarmed.

2: Yesterday, Communist Party of the Philippines founding chairman Jose Maria Sison slammed Communist China over its “imperialist” stance on Scarborough Shoal. I told you. Climate change is real!

3: Oh, it’s Earth Day! Happy birthday to retired Justice Serafin Cuevas and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile!

4: In observance of this annual event, Cuevas and Enrile vowed to never use disposable diapers again.

5: To celebrate Earth Day, SM Baguio cut down 10 pine trees only instead of 200 as originally planned.

6: People are now talking about the possibility of a strong earthquake in the Philippines. In fact, the US Geological Survey has recorded several mild tremors in the country. The earth is moving! Supposedly, this movement is the reason why Aga Muhlach is suddenly a resident of Bicol and Joseph Estrada of Manila.

7: A list of “anti-environment” personalities was made public for the first time today. Topping the list were Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan who were accused of turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

8: The prosecution panel in the Corona impeachment trial made a pledge on Earth Day. They’ll continue to dig up dirt on the Chief Justice.

9: Senator Kiko Pangilinan’s wife, Sharon Cuneta admits she can only do so much for Mother Earth. She promises to choose among these three environmental activities: Reduce, Reuse or Recycle. Guess what she picked. #AlamNa

10: Rumors say even President Aquino and Grace Lee observed Earth Day. To save energy, they didn’t speak to each other.

11: The lowest temperature ever recorded at the surface of the Earth was −89.2 °C at the Soviet Vostok Station in Antarctica on July 21, 1983. Wow! That was really cold! The second coldest was recorded between Noynoy and Corona just recently.

12: And finally, In an effort to preserve clean air, Annabelle Rama and Cristine Reyes opted to keep quiet on Earth Day.

Save our planet!
————————————–
“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.”
~ Cree Indian Proverb

Mother Earth, when will you introduce us to Father Earth?

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

TWEET OR TRICK

THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER ‘intercepted’ the following tweets. Enjoy reading the post while he verifies the authenticity of the Twitter accounts.

TheRealPNoy:
Hahaha 47% sa Pulse Asia; 73% sa SWS. Guilty ka talaga @CJCorona. Pasalamat ka, walang survey ang #TVPatrol. Baka do’n 100% guilty ka na!

CJCorona:
@TheRealPNoy Kaya ‘di mo natututukan ang blackout sa Mindanao eh, puro ka survey, puro ka impeachment! Magtrabaho ka nga!

LawyerLacierda:
Ikaw ang magtrabaho! Wala ka nang ginawa kundi magpa-misa!

ITSMe_MidasMarquez:
@LawyerLacierda naiinggit ka? Eh ‘di magpamisa ka rin.

LawyerLacierda:
Teka lang. Bakit may nagre-react? Eh wala naman akong binanggit na pangalan. Palibhasa guilty.

ITSMe_Midas:
Whatevs! @LawyerLacierda

Megastar:
B A K L A. hahaha

ITSMe_Midas:
nagpaparinig ka ba? Hindi ka kasali sa usapan. Huwag kang makialam. @Megastar

Megastar:
@ITSMe_Midas huh? nooooo! I have bashers kasi on Twitter na sure kong pakawala ng baklang aktor who hurt my daughter. Definitely not you. “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

CongPacman:
Masyado harasment ang ginawa nila. Pa-priskun agad. Nasira ang reputasyun ko. Nananawagan ako kay Prisidinti. Dapat masibak yung BIR na yan.

Kim_BIR:
@CongPacman we’re just doing our job. Kung maisusumite n’yo ang kaukulang tax & financial records, walang problema, walang kaso.

CongPacman:
@Kim_BIR ikaw ba ang kinakausap ko? Kay Prisidinti ako nanawagan, ‘di sa ‘yu. Siyimpri, didifense mo ang tauhan mo. Ipag-pray na lang kita. Di kasi kayo nagbabasa ng Bible kaya nang-aapak kayu ng kapwa nyo. ‘Di tama ‘yun. Patawarin sana kayo ni Lord.

Megastar:
@Kim_BIR I think what you did to Manny was really unfair. Kiko and I support you @CongPacman! “Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” - Luke 12:32

CongPacman:
Salamat @Migastar @Megastar. Hihihi natutuwa ako sa twits mo. Hindi ka busy? Juks lang.

CongGMA:
Hello! Howsh everybody? Masalese ku pu! Nami-missh n’yo ba ako? I’m sure you do. Shiguro, hinahanap-hanap n’yo ang tunay at totoong Working Preshident… noh? Shana makabalik ako.

LawyerLacierda:
Some people are having illusions again. No, we won’t allow evil deeds to go punished.

CongGMA:
@LawyerLacierda Tabalu keka! Manang-mana ka sa boss mong pikon at mapagpatol. Oo, ikaw ‘yon my dear student @TheRealPNoy!

TheRealPNoy:
Tinuruan ako ng aking mga magulang na gumalang maging sa mga preso. Kung masaya kayo sa pambabatikos, problema n’yo na ‘yan. @CongGMA

OfficialSWS:
73 percent of PNoys Pinoys want Corona convicted #resignNAkasi

SenatorMiriam:
Wha! Wha! Wha! @OfficialSWS

OfficialSWS:
#ignore #ignore #ignore

EduManzanoHere:
Spotted: @TheRealPinoy and @FullofGraceLee buying DVDs in Greenhills with @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff around 12noon today. They’re having fun.

LawyerLacierda:
@EduManzanoHere your tweet is pure tsismis, intriga, baseless and paninira. @TheRealPinoy was not in Greenhills. He’s in his room watching @FullofGraceLee on #Balitanghali. And @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff has never been to Greenhills. FYI: He frequents Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue, QC. #tsismoso #kuryente

Megastar:
@EduManzanoHere “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.” – Leviticus 19:16

EduManzanoHere:
I would like to apologize for tweeting that wrong information on @TheRealPinoy. I got the info through ‘crowdsourcing.’ I should have been more careful. Btw, @Megastar, is this really you? Whatever.

Megastar:
@FullofGraceLee @LawyerLacierda @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff ignore na lang the tsismis. maiinis lang kayo. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Proverbs 11:13

LawyerLacierda:
@Megastar Thanks Shawie. Regards to @KikoPangilinnan. He’s been doing really great in the impeachment trial. Please tell him to keep it up.

TwitterAlert:
Say hi to our newest members, former Congressman @Aced_Barbers and former Congresswoman @CynthiahVillar. #AlamNa #tatakbo

Junjun_Tupas:
NEW HERE. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. THIS IS MY FIRST TWIT. STILL LEARNING! HELLO AT MIRO_PAGIBIG, AT SUNNYANGARA & AT ERIN_T!

SenatorMiriam:
@Junjun_Tupas Twitter Netiquette 101: As a courtesy to your three followers and other people on Twitterverse, pls refrain from using all caps. Wha! And you might want to use the @ sign when you tag people. It should not be spelled out. #bobo

Junjun_Tupas:
@SENATORMIRIAM @SenatorMiriam… sorry ma’am. i submit.

Megastar:
hi @SenatorMiriam! You’re right po. Bastos nga ang all caps. Parang nagmumura. Sabi nga po sa Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” Good night po. Sleepy na ako.

TheRealPNoy:
excited for tomorrow’s target shooting with @junjunbinayiscool @leilaDLM @virgieLTO @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff and @Kim_BIR! kitakits guys!

AnakbayanKami:
Hayyy, #Noynoying time na naman.

TheRealPNoy:
Ulol! @AnakbayanKami

GobJoelReyes:
magkamatayan na pero hinding-hindi ako susuko! wala akong maaasahang hustisya sa gobyernong ito. #overmydeadbody

PingpingLacson:
@GobJoelReyes ‘tol, unsolicited advice. try mong mag-google ng mga recipe. mag-aral kang magluto para ‘di ka mainip habang nagtatago. unahin mo ang adobo at caldereta.

GobJoelReyes:
thanks Idol! @PingpingLacson

RobinsonSnake:
Thank God I’m safe. These robbers talaga. Pwede namang sa Megamall na lang. hayyssssssshsshhh

iAmHenrySy:
We’ve got it all for you. Including security. Unlike our competitor. Xie Xie!

RobinsonSnake:
@iAmHenrySy excuse me. magkaiba tayo ng market. after all, galleria is galleria. mas high-end kami ‘noh. hayysssssshsssh

FullofGraceLee:
inspired! thank you @TheRealPNoy! xoxo

theKrisAquino:
sana ‘wag pakasigurado. at sana ‘wag feeling. #walaLang

FullofGraceLee:
inspired! thank you @TheRealPNoy! xoxo ERROR. Tweet cannot be found. Try to refresh your browser.

theKrisAquino:
nakakaloka. may nag-delete ng tweet. wala naman akong pinangalanan. aha-ha-ha Anyway, Today is Saturday, March 31, day 151, we pray for Trinidad & Tobago (Carribean). As we reflect on the JOYFUL mysteries let us pray for these intentions (cont) http://tl.6u

theKrisAquino:
hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko! pray ako nang pray sa Twitter! aha-ha-ha

Megastar:
RT “@theKrisAquino: hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko! pray ako nang pray sa Twitter! aha-ha-ha” | PANSIN KO NGA RIN. ‘Musta na? Nag-iisang reyna ka na d’yan. Happy ka na? #aminin

theKrisAquino:
hindi ako pumapatol sa mga bitter. you know who you are. love love love. peace peace peace.

Megastar:
RT “theKrisAquino: hindi ako pumapatol sa mga bitter.” | I THINK YOU’re judging me. “The LORD lifteth up the meek: he casteth the wicked down to the ground.” – Psalm 7:11. Good night tweeps. Super sleepy na talaga. Mwah!

TheRealPNoy:
Good night @FullofGraceLee! Sweet dreams. #naks

FullofGraceLee:
Good night @TheRealPNoy! Thank you for being you. xoxo
.
Megastar:
Ang mushy pala ni @FullofGraceLee!

TheRealPNoy:
@Megastar Gising ka pa rin!!?? Lahat na lang yata pinatulan mo ah. Alam ba ni @KikoPangilinnan na nagtu-tweet ka?

Megastar:
@TheRealPNoy Oo naman! Kasi, sabi sa Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

theKrisAquino:
Nakakaloka! Aha-ha-ha
——————————————————-
“The qualities that make Twitter seem inane and half-baked are what makes it so powerful.”
~Jonathan Zittrain

Have a safe weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?

THE LATEST PULSE ASIA survey on Chief Justice Renato Corona and the impeachment trial is out. According to the study, “Almost half of the Filipino population (47%) is of the view that Supreme Court Chief Justice Renato Corona is guilty” while only 5 percent believed he’s innocent. Forty-three (43) percent of the 1,200 people survey were undecided.

An anonymous source sent us the questionnaire used in the survey. This is from an unverified source; we cannot vouch for the authenticity of the document.

PULSE ASIA Inc.
Opinion on Chief Justice Renato Corona’s Innocence or Guilt
Date of Survey: February 26-March 9, 2012
Commissioned By: Secret

Mabuhay! Napakasuwerte mo! Sa halos siyamnapu’t apat na milyong Pilipino (94M) dito at sa buong mundo, isa ka sa 1,200 na napiling sumagot sa mga tanong na ito. Akalain mo ‘yon? Congratulations!

Panuto: Bilugan ang titik ng sagot na kumakatawan sa iyong pananaw bilang isang Pinoy na naniniwalang panahon na ng pagbabago, panahon na upang papanagutin ang mga utak-wangwang na nagmalabis noong nakaraang administrasyon, at panahon na upang tahakin ang tuwid na daan.

1: Nang tangkain ni Ginang Arroyo na tumakas palabas ng bansa, naglabas ng TRO laban sa watch list order ni Senator Sec. Leila De Lima ang Supreme Court na pinamumunuan ni Ginoong Corona. Isa ito sa mga isyung nakapaloob sa orihinal na Articles of Impeachment na minadali binuo ng Kongreso. Sa iyong palagay, guilty ba si Corona o hindi?
A: Guilty
B: Malamang guilty
C: Naman!
D: Hindi.
E: Natutulog ako nang magtangkang umalis si GMA. ‘Di ako makapag-comment.

2: Ayon sa kaklase ni Pangulong Aquino administrator ng Land Registration Authority na si Atty. Eulalio Diaz III, may 45 properties si Renato Corona batay sa papel na inilabas ng computer. Grabe naman. Ang dami! ‘Yong ibang tao, sa ilalim lang ng tulay nakatira, tapos siya 45 ang properties!? Wow. Sa iyong palagay guilty ba si Corona o hindi?
A: Nakakagalit. Guilty!
B: Kapal niya. Guilty talaga!
C: Kahit umiyak ulit siya sa balkonahe ng Korte Suprema, guilty pa rin siya!
D: Hindi.
E: Noynoying time ako nang mag-testify si LRA classmate. ‘Di ko nakita. Wala akong comment.

3: Dahil sa mga kapalpakan ng prosekusyon, lagi silang nali-lektyuran ni Senator-Judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago tungkol sa batas. Sa inyong palagay, guilty ba si Corona o hindi?
A: Biased si Miriam. Guilty si Corona!
B: Kinakawawa ang prosecution! Guilty kasi si Corona.
C: Hindi naman palpak ang prosekusyon eh. OA lang talaga si Senator Miriam at guilty talaga si Corona.
D: Error 404 Page Not Found
E. Not sure.

4: Ayon kay prosecutor Raul Daza, walumpung porsiyento (80%) ng mga kasong pinagpasyahan ni Renato Corona ay pabor kay dating Pangulong Arroyo. Can you imagine that? 80 percent! Iyan ba ang tinatawag na hustisya? Sa iyong palagay guilty ba si Corona o hindi?
A: Kailangan pa bang imemorize ‘yan?
B: Is the Pope Catholic?
C: Guilty as hell.
D: Hindi.
E: Buhay pa pala si Congressman Daza?! Astig! No comment.

5: Masdan ang larawan. Bakit siya nagtatakip ng tanga tainga/tenga?
A: Dahil super guilty si Corona.
B: Sawang-sawa na siya sa kaka-object ni Atty. Serafin Cuevas palibhasa guilty si Corona.
C: Sisihin n’yo si Corona.
D: Eksenadora. Gustong talbugan si BB Gandanghari.
E: Ayoko siyang patulan. No comment.

6: Kapag medyo naku-corner ang prosecution panel, laging to the rescue tumatayo si Senator Franklin Drilon o si Senator Kiko Pangilinan. Bakit kaya?
A: Eh kasi nga guilty si Corona!
B: Bobo ka ba? Sinabi nang guilty si Corona eh.
C: Patunay lamang na fair sila as senator-judges at guilty si Corona.
D: Can I use a lifeline?
E: Anong relevance ng tanong sa guilt? I cannot comment.

7: “Immaterial, impertinent, irrelevant.” Ito ang madalas banggitin ni lead Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas tuwing may trial. Alam mo ba ang ibig sabihin nito?
A: Guilty si Corona.
B: Umiiwas at natatakot sa tanong kasi guilty si Corona.
C: May itinatago. Guilty nga kasi.
D:
E: Mahina ako sa English. Ano bang ibig sabihin no’n? Wala muna akong comment.

8: Ito ang larawang inilabas ng Philippine Daily Inquirer noong March 14. Ano sa palagay n’yo ang nagtulak sa pahayagan upang ilabas ang larawan ng stroke victim na si Demetrio Vicente?
A: Guilty kasi si Corona.
B: “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”
C: Nag-sorry na nga eh! Pwede ba, move on na!? Bakit? Si Corona ba nag-sorry na sa kanyang pagkakamali?
D: (Naubusan ng choices. Pili na lang kayo sa A to C.)
E: Subscriber ako ng The Daily Tribune. Sorry, hindi ako nagbabasa ng government newspaper.

9: Nagpasya ang prosecution panel na huwag nang maghain ng ebidensya at idrop na lang ang Articles 1,4,5,6 and 8. Ano ang ibig sabihin ng hakbang na ito?
A: Walang duda, guilty si Corona
B: Sa Articles 2, 3 at 7 pa lang, wala nang kawala si Corona. What more kung dagdagan pa?
C: Wala ‘yan sa quantity, nasa quality! Go prosecution, fight!
D: Alam na!
E: I hate math. Mahina ako sa numbers. Next question please.

10: Kung bibigyan ka ng pagkakataong makaharap at makausap ang ‘small lady’ na gawa-gawa nag-abot diumano ng bank documents ni CJ Corona kay Cong. Reynaldo Umali ng prosecution, ano ang sasabihin mo sa kanya?
A: “Hi girl, thank you for helping us convict Renato Corona.”
B: “That’s one small step for a woman; one giant leap for the prosecution.”
C: Hulog ka ng langit! Ikaw na!
D: You’re nothing but a second-rate, trying hard work of fiction!
E: Sino si Congressman Rey Umali? Tao ba ‘yan? Bagay? Lugar? Can’t comment.

11. Kakatapos lang mag-present ng evidence ng prosecution. After ng long break, maghahain ng pruweba ang defense. So far, ano ang analysis mo sa trial?
A: Very fair. Guilty si Corona.
B: Ang husay lang ng prosecution, kainis.
C: Naniniwala ako sa headlines ng mga diyaryo, walang lusot si Corona.
D: Masyadong atat ang survey. Pwede bang pakinggan muna ang panig ng Defense?
E: Huwaaat? Ocho-singkwenta na ang pamasahe sa jeep?! Naknamputch! Wait, ano ulit ang question?

12: Ayon sa testimonya ni Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco, na-delay raw ang release ng pork barrel niya dahil hindi siya lumagda sa impeachment complaint laban kay Chief Justice Corona. Naniniwala ba kayo sa rebelasyon niya?
A: Guilty si Corona, period.
B: Ang pangit ng buhok niya. Palibhasa, guilty si Corona. (Walang kunek; may masabi lang.)
C: Pork barrel ba ang dahilan kaya nagpuputok ang butse niya? Eh kasi nga guilty si Corona!
D: I trust Toby. Corona’s not guilty.
E: Bothered ako sa taas ng kilay niya. I can’t answer the question.

And finally…
13: Paano kaya kung pawalang-sala o iacquit ng Senado si Chief Justice Renato Corona?
A: Isa lang ang masasabi ko, and let me quote our dear President: “I find it hard to imagine not to get the result I would want.”
B: Plan B baby!
C: Ang ‘di boboto para sa conviction ni Corona, sa susunod na eleksyon ay ibabasura! Binabalaan kita!
D: Accept the decision and move on.
E: Yey! Natapos rin ang survey. ‘Asan na ang gift pack ko?

Pahabol na Tanong:
Kapag lumabas ang survey na ito, ano ang gusto mong maging headline sa mga pahayagan at news websites sa Pilipinas:
A: Poll: 47% of Pinoys believe CJ is guilty
B: Filipinos divided on Corona
C: 47% of Pinoys think CJ is guilty: Pulse Asia survey
D: Uncertainty about Corona guilt strong but majority trust Senate to be fair – survey
E: Is Corona guilty? 47% thinks he is – Pulse Asia

MARAMING SALAMAT sa inyong oras at pagtitiwala sa survey na walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan serbisyong patas lang. At asahan n’yo, hangga’t may nakahandang magbayad na pulitiko, magsa-survey kami saan man sa mundo!
———————————-
“Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world’s population.”
~Author Unknown

You Have Spoken
Now that God had “told” Manny Pacquiao to retire, should he?
-YES. Enough na. 23.35%
-NO. Pakiusapan niya si God, isa na lang: Mayweather. 18.5%
-Kinausap siya ni God? Weh? 58.15%

Have a safe weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

NEARLY HALF

THE LATEST PULSE ASIA survey conducted from February 26 to March 9, 2012 showed that 47 percent of Filipinos believed that impeached Chief Justice Renato Corona was guilty. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 45 properties.

A recent Pulse Asia study on the Corona impeachment trial showed 58 percent of Filipinos would respect and accept whatever the Senate verdict would be. The remaining 42 percent work for Malacañang.

According to the latest propaganda survey, 47 percent of Filipinos were convinced that Chief Justice Renato Corona was guilty. The rest were non-Inquirer readers.

The Pulse Asia survey also revealed that 8 in 10 Filipinos follow the impeachment trial. The other 2 follow Sharon Cuneta’s explosive tweets against Piolo Pascual.

Breaking: A new survey revealed 98 percent of local newspapers and news websites believe that Renato Corona is guilty.

Tupas Says
Grilled anew on the reported list of alleged “45 Corona properties” which was found to be inaccurate, lead prosecutor Niel Tupas on Tuesday said, “I’m not aware of the media…” How dare you Mr. Congressman. That’s not how you treat an ally!

Noynoying
The Wall Street Journal published an article on ‘Noynoying’ – the term coined by militants to describe the Chief Executive’s alleged laidback working style. But President Aquino is unfazed. He vowed to make a statement as soon as he’s done with his coffee, cinnamon roll, and cigarette.

Deadly Game
In Manila, a man was stabbed following a dispute over a popular computer game. And my friend was like, “Holy sh*t, is the President safe?”

Three More
According to the Manila Bulletin, Manny Pacquiao is eyeing three more fights before finally retiring. To which God said, “I thought we’ve talked?!?”

Fire
Here’s the latest on the fire that destroyed Ever Gotesco Grand Central Mall in Caloocan City. After more than 80 hours, the fire and the city fire marshal were both declared “out.” Yey!

Sizzling Sharon
Megastar Sharon Cuneta, wife of Senator Kiko Pangilinan clashed with bashers and Piolo Pascual loyalists on Twitter. An exasperated Sharon threatened to leave the microblogging site. Realizing however that she’s got nothing else to do, she stayed.

Suddenly Bicolano
Reports say Aga Muhlach has registered as a voter in Camarines Sur. A quick survey showed 90 percent of residents were happy to welcome the actor. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus “2013.”

Overseas…
In Indonesia, an eight-year-old boy smokes more than a pack of cigarettes per day. Observers believe the boy has a chance of becoming president someday.
————————————————————————
“One should perform his deeds for the benefit of mankind with an unbiased approach because bias gives birth to evil, which creates thousands of obstacles in our path.”
~Rig Veda

Quotes of the Day
“If we are to use surveys to convict or not to convict a person charged in our courts, then we do not need the courts. All we have to do is conduct surveys whenever somebody is charged.”
~Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile

“Regardless of what they’re doing, regardless of what they’re projecting, the President is at work. This administration continues to perform its responsibilities.”
~Atty. Edwin Lacierda on ‘Noynoying’

“This award is not for me because before becoming an actor, I am a Filipino first. This is for my country – the Philippines. Mabuhay!”
~ Eugene Domingo accepting her People’s Choice Award for Best Actress in the Sixth Asian Film Awards in HK

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

OIL, FIRE AND GOD

IT’S LENT. It’s that season of penitence and suffering again. Thank you oil companies for reminding us.

President Aquino on Sunday admitted that the government cannot do anything with the soaring oil prices saying it’s beyond his control. Right now, the only thing that he can control is Congress.

A study conducted by the National Statistical Coordination Board showed that men were generally “happier” than women. The same study found that oil companies were the happiest.

March 19: Day 31
For the first time since the Corona impeachment trial started, lead Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas called in sick. Or as the prosecution panel would say, “total relief.”

The Rich
A GMANewsTV special report found that 98 percent of incumbent congressmen were millionaires. The remaining 2 percent are slowly catching up.

In his 2009 SALN, Quezon 3rd District Representative Danilo Suarez declared at least 11 cars. He’s got more cars than laws passed.

PMA Class 2012
On Sunday, President Aquino called on the graduates of the Philippine Military Academy to join the fight against corruption. Heeding the president’s call, this morning, the new graduates surrounded the Batasang Pambansa complex.

Wanted: Presidential Car
President Aquino revealed Malacañang is scouting for one or two new vehicles to replace the old presidential car. In fact, at this very moment, palace representatives are checking out the cars on display at Congressman Danilo Suarez’s show room.

Smokers
The National Youth Commission reported that 2 out of 5 teenagers tried smoking in 2011. Another study showed 2 out of 5 teenagers identified the President as their role model.

Pacman & God
According to 8-division world champion Manny Pacquiao, he had been told by God in a dream to retire soon. In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of God.

This just in: God confirms conversation with Pacquiao; denies rift with Pastor Apollo Quiboloy

Sunooog!
In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month – that time of the year when most fires are not prevented.

Did you hear about the fire that gutted Ever Gotesco Grand Central Mall in Kalookan City? That was one for the books. It lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

Reports are now saying that the city fire marshal was drunk at the height of the Gotesco Grand Central Mall fire. Fire him!

Overseas…
Floyd Mayweather Jr. is reportedly standing by his racist comments about Asian-American NBA star Jeremy Lin. In totally unrelated news, Mayweather has been offered a hosting job on GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit.’

Longevity
According to the World Factbook, Monaco tops the list of places where people live the longest followed by Macau. In third place? The Corona impeachment court.

The President’s Love Life
Quoting lead Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas, President Aquino brushed off a reporter’s question about his lovelife saying it was “immaterial, irrelevant and impertinent.” Initially, the President wanted to quote lead prosecutor Niel Tupas but realized he’d sound stupid if he’d answer, “I submit.”
———————————————————-
“When you let money speak for you, it drowns out anything else you meant to say.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

Quotes of the Day
“Hindi kailangang pansinin. Papaano mo ipapakita sa ayaw tumingin? Paano mo iparirinig sa ayaw makinig? Kung masaya silang ginagawa nila ‘yon, nasa kanila ‘yon. ‘Pag sinasabing wala akong ginagawa, at pangit ang nangyayari, eh ‘di anong conclusion doon? Tinitingnan ba nila, nakikinig ba sila? Eh ‘di kung ganoon, ayaw nila, anong magagawa ko? Basta gagawin ko ang palagay ko ay tama at palagay ko may resulta na nangyayari.”
~President Aquino on the militants’ new form of protest called ‘Noynoying’

“I will not stay long in boxing because He said: ‘You have done enough. You have made yourself famous but this is harmful.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

You Have Spoken
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa mga naging pahayag ni Arnold Clavio hinggil sa ilang members ng Philippine Azkals?
Totoo naman ang sinabi n’ya eh. 45.56%
Racist! Sexist! Discriminatory! 21.89%
Opinyon niya ‘yon. Igalang natin ang pananaw n’ya. 32.54%

Personal
Happy birthday to one of the regular readers of this blog, Singapore-based Mr. Jimmy Lorenzo. Good health on your birthday sir!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

SALN, Kulam, Impyerno, Atbp. Kwento

IT’S THE WEEKEND. Let’s try to answer some of the questions sent by our readers – political figures, celebrities, and concerned Filipinos. Have fun!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pangarap kong mag-guest sa iba’t ibang TV at radio stations. Ano ang dapat kong gawin?
Umaasa,
Luigi ng Kalookan

Dear Luigi,
Maging Chief Justice ka muna.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Palala nang palala ang kriminalidad sa aming bayan. Lately, mga estudyante na ang tina-target ng mga holdupper. Taga-Makati ka ‘di ba? And’yan ba ang mayor namin?
Worried,
Residente ng Los Baños

Dear Worried Residente ng Los Baños,
Malamang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko kahapon sa balita na ayaw ipakita ni Cong. Niel Tupas ang kanyang SALN sa GMA News. Bakit kaya?
Curious,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Sabi nga ng author ng ‘Up In the Air’ na si Walter Kirn, “Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na-gets ang sagot mo sa aking tanong. Puwede bang paki-explain?
Ako Ulit,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Ang kulit mo! Ganito na lang. Kumuha ka ng dictionary. ‘Tapos hanapin mo ang word na ‘hypocrite.’ ‘Yun na ‘yun!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Finally, after 52 long years, nahanap ko na yata ang aking Seoul soulmate. Dapat na ba akong mag-propose? Baka kasi makawala pa eh. What do you think? Btw, she’s Korean.
Yours truly,
John Lloyd of Manila

Dear John Lloyd,
Kung maka-John Lloyd ka naman! Kilala na kita! Huwag ka nang gumamit ng alias. Unfortunately, you can’t have the best of both worlds right now. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2016. Kung bago mag-2016 eh mag-break kayo, what else is new? Sanay ka na naman ‘di ba?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sssh, atin-atin lang ‘to. Meron akong naipong dolyar. Malaki-laki ring halaga ‘yon. Saang bangko ko kaya ito dapat ideposit?
Yumayaman,
Mr. Congressman

Dear Mr. Congressman,
Kung kaalyado ka ng administrasyon, it doesn’t matter kung saan mang bangko mo ‘yan itago. Hindi lalabas ang detalye ng account mo. Pero kung kalaban ka, #AlamNa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto mo bang mag-join sa Lambda Rho Beta? May orientation bukas. Free drinks.
Tara na,
Agaton

Dear Agaton,
Ayoko pang mamatay. Ikaw na lang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Balik-Senado na naman kami sa Lunes. Sawang-sawa na kasi kami sa panlalait, pagpapahiya, at panlelektyur sa amin ng isang senadora. Ano kayang mabisang pangontra?
Nag-iisip,
Congressman Niel

Dear Congressman Niel,
Umayos ka!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Totoo po bang kinulam si Mommy Dionisia?
Natatakot,
Karen of Gen San

Dear Karen,
Kung si Pacman ang tatanungin, hindi siya naniniwala sa kulam. Pero kung titingnan mo ang matanda, mukha nga siyang kinulam. Either that,or na-miss niya ang kanyang quarterly Botox injection. Hayaan mo na. Mapera naman siya.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I plan to visit your country soon. Where should I go?
Mabuhey,
Taylor Kitsch

Dear Taylor,
Where should you go?!? Go to hell.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino po kaya ang mas mayaman: si Aleli Arroyo o si Grace Ibuna?
Love,
Tsismosa ng QC

Dear Tsismosa,
Sinong mas mayaman? Si Atty. Lorna Kapunan! #AlamNa
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nagulat po ako sa bagong look ni Charice. May tattoo pa! Lesbian po ba siya?
Super fan,
Aizee

Dear Aizee,
Mahusay siyang singer!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapuso fan ako. Ano po ba ang ‘A’ sa GMA?
Nagmamahal,
Jayson Balingit Lalata y Rivera

Dear Jayson,
Ang ‘A’ sa GMA ay ‘Annabelle.’ Just kidding.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi ng matandang pari, meron daw impyerno. In fact, doon daw mapupunta ang senadorang nagsabing “gago” ang prosekusyon. Totoo kaya?
Naguguluhan,
Aling Pacing ng Payatas

Dear Aling Pacing,
Tinawag lang na gago ang prosekusyon impyerno kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng purgatoryo muna?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My teacher in kindergarten asked me to make a horse out of a three-piece puzzle. I told her “Only God can make a horse!” Ibinagsak niya ako! Tama ba naman ‘yon??!
Hmpf,
Benignoy

Dear Benignoy,
Tama!
Heckler
————————————————————————————-
“Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.”
~Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Have a great weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: iStockPhoto, CLipArt, GraphicImages)

SLAM BOOK: SENATOR MIRIAM

EXCLUSIVE! Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s thoughts on love, life, and lawyers through her slam book entries. Have fun!

“Anger is the enemy of nonviolence and pride is a monster that swallows it up.”
~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Happy weekend!
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LAWYERS

“All we hear is
lawyers are gaga
lawyers are gago
lawyers are gaga
All we hear is
lawyers are gaga
lawyers are blah blah”
~Lawyers (Inspired by Queen)

I MISSED DAY 26 of the Corona Impeachment Trial because I watched a movie called ‘This Means War.’ I felt like a loser after when I learned that a real war happened inside the impeachment court.

Apparently, senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago used the word “gago” and “mayabang” to describe the prosecution panel. To which, prosecutors protested, “With all due respect, hindi po kami mayabang!”

Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre insists he’s had enough of Senator Santiago’s lectures and criticisms, he opted to cover his ears… which totally surprised everyone who was instead expecting Niel Tupas to cover his face.

The decision of the senator-judges was unanimous. Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre was cited for contempt… for looking like an idiot on nationwide TV.

Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre was cited for contempt for disrespecting a member of the impeachment court. Under the rules, Aguirre may be ordered to pay a fine of 2,000 pesos, imprisoned for no more than 10 days, or forced to listen to “The Best Of Miriam’s Mad Moments Volume 1.”

Vitaliano Aguirre, a volunteer lawyer for the prosecution panel covered his ears while senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago was lecturing the prosecution panel. Aguirre’s gesture of covering his ears while being berated seemed shocking and unusual to everyone… except for his wife.

Top 7 Movie Remakes Starring Vitaliano Aguirre and Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

No. 7: There’s Something About Miriam

No. 6: Wah of the Words

No. 5: Dr. Zhivgago

No. 4: Kung Fu Malag Ka

No. 3: Kahit Contempt Pagtingin

No. 2: The Day the Ear Stood Still

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre and Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago…

The Pest and the Furious

Apology
On Thursday, March 1, lawyer Vitaliano Aguirre quit the prosecution panel. He also apologized to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for hurting her feelings. There’s no word yet on whether Santiago will apologize to Aguirre for hurting his eardrum.

Deferred
The International Criminal Court has allowed Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to defer her scheduled March 9 oath-taking at The Hague, Netherlands. And the prosecution panel was like, “Hell, no!”

The ICC has allowed Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to defer her scheduled March 9 oath-taking in the Netherlands. Even the ICC’s afraid of her.

The Bar
Christopher John Lao, the UP Law grad who drove his car into an inundated road last year has passed the bar. His cellphone as well as his Facebook & Twitter timelines were flooded with congratulatory messages.

On Twitter, Chris Lao expressed his gratitude to those who supported & prayed for him. The ecstatic new lawyer thanked everyone… except for GMA News’ Jun Veneracion.

For the first time in 27 years, not a single UP Law grad made it to the list of Top 10 bar passers. And Renato Corona was like, ‘Don’t look at me!”

Rodolfo Aquino, a UP professor who finished law at San Beda Alabang placed 10th. Aquino is 64 years old. He’s the Christopher Plummer of last year’s bar exam.

Peace
Reports say Annabelle Rama and former TV executive Wilma Galvante have kissed and made up. That’s bad news… for their lawyers.

LiLo
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly coming to Manila. Ang susunod na foreign artist ay Rated SPG.

FHM Racist?
I’m sure you’ve seen the alleged “racist” cover of FHM Philippines. Do you know Bela Padilla? Yeah, me neither.
——————————————————–
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
~Albert Einstein

Quotes of the Day
“Nagbibiro ba kayo? In writing na ang compliance n’yo! Pagkatapos, sasabihin ninyo, our case is very strong and we will never want to present evidence? Ang yayabang n’yo! Puro gago naman. Kagaguhan is ground for contempt.”
~Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago

“I did it purposely kasi totoo naman pong shrill ang voice na nasasaktan ang tenga ko. Dapat po ang judges, kahit kami ay hamak lamang na prosecutor dito, ang importante po sa tao ay respeto. Kung nagdi-demand ka ng respeto, dapat ay respetuhin mo rin ang abogado dito. ‘YOng human dignity, wala pong katulad ‘yan.”
~Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre

“The caption was meant for the article and not for the picture.”
~Bela Padilla on her controversial FHM cover

Have a great weekend!

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SLAM BOOK

TWO WEEKS AGO, Chief Justice Renato Corona dared President Aquino to make public his alleged psychological records. Malacañang has denied the existence of such document saying it’s just a rehash of.the ‘mental state’ issue that first surfaced during the 2010 presidential campaign. I did my own research but found nothing except for this recent slam book entry purportedly written by President Aquino himself. Enjoy!

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“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”
~Dale Carnegie

Have a great week ahead!

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