AND MY VOTE GOES TO…

9 05 2010


FIRST OF ALL, congratulations to all of us, to every Filipino for being the luckiest people in the world – during elections. We probably have the most number of countrymen who wanted to ‘serve’ us.

The funny thing was, all of them promised, within six years, to accomplish two major things that even God has failed to do in two billion years: ending poverty and stamping out corruption. Cute!

The historic automated general election takes place Monday, May 10. Yes, it’s now happening. We all survived several months of mudslinging, unbelievable pitches, excruciating political ads, unprecedented spending, malfunctioning PCOS machines, psychiatric reports, and Nanay Curing.

But was it all worth it?

As we prepare to vote, let us review the events of the past five months and hand out some trophies to the best and the worst of this year’s elections.

For some of the categories, there will be a winner and a runner-up. Again, you must remember, the role of the runner-up is very crucial. If, for any reason, the winner declines the award, the trophy will be forcibly given to the runner-up. Are you ready?

The winners, in no particular significance are:

“Nagulat Kayo ‘Noh?” Award
Winner: Iglesia ni Cristo
Think American Idol 2009. Manny Villar was the Adam Lambert to Noynoy Aquino’s Kris Allen and INC represented the voting public. It was all Adam from Episode 1 to the final performance night. And then came the shocker at the finalé: the public voted for Kris. Unfortunately for Villar, this is not a singing tilt, and the INC is not voting for a second placer.
Runner-up: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A week after gathering his Lakas party mates for a loyalty check, he abandoned them. Nakakaloka! Apparently, Noynoy Aquino is a believer of Joey Salceda so he made an offer Joey couldn’t refuse. Ang haba ng hair mo girl!

“If You Can’t Beat Them, Sue Them!” Award
Winner: Sen. Richard Gordon
This just in! A survey conducted in the Gordon household revealed that Richard Gordon was the top choice of cooks, nannies, and drivers for president. The gardener who conducted the survey is now facing a lawsuit from the Bagumbayan standard-bearer.

“Peke ng Ina Mo ” Award
Winner: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the fake psych evaluation report
Two reasons why the ‘mentallly-challenged’ issue against a certain candidate failed: One, the documentary evidence presented was a fake. Two, we already knew it.
Runner-up: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the second fake psych evaluation report
Reason why it failed: the producers (NP) totally forgot that movie sequels traditionally bomb at the box-office

“Ayan, Kasi. Itlog Pa Lang, Nagbilang na Agad ng Sisiw” Award
Winner: Mar Roxas
Interviewed a month ago, he confidently asserted there’s no way he’d lose the VP race. Until Francis Joseph Escudero made a pitch for the candidate “na may B.”
Two reasons why Roxas would probably lose: One, Jejomar Binay has more than one presidential candidate. Two, Roxas’ got half.

“Bugbog-Sarado” Award
Winner: Manny Villar
The ‘use’ of Nanay Curing says it all.

“Mehh Ganun?” Award otherwise known as the “Cheesiest Declaration of a Political Endorsement” Award
Winner: Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name
“Pinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami, ngunit sa uluhan po namin ay nakita ko, hindi po Barack Obama ang kanyang pangalan. Alam n’yo po kung ano? Gib Obama, Gibo Obama.”

Three letters and an exclamation point: WTF!

“Weapon of Mass Appeal Destruction” Award
Runaway Winner: The “Villarroyo” tag
Two reasons why it worked against Villar: One, the public really hated GMA. Two, it’s true.

“Punyeta! Pati Ako Napapakanta!” Award
Winner: Manny Villar’s “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?” Jingle
The ad propelled the NP standard-bearer to a statistical tie with his closest rival, and its catchy tune produced this generation’s youngest political turncoat – Baby James. Vilyay!
Runner-up: GMA Network’s “Bilog na Hugis Itlog” Election Advocacy Campaign Jingle
I wonder what or whose “itlog” was being referred to in the song but wasn’t the shape of that thingy in our ballot ovate? Anyway, altogether now… “May bilog, may bilog na hugis itlog…”

“Tiba-Tiba” Award
Winner: ABS-CBN, GMA7, other broadcast networks, newspapers
For the millions if not billions of pesos in revenues from political advertisements. Walang kinikilingan! Walang pinuprotektahan! At magpapatrol saan man sa mundo, basta’t may TV at may tao! Whateverrrrr! Blow-out naman d’yan, mga friends!
Runner-up: Candidates who solicited and accepted campaign contributions but never really campaigned. Matalo man, panalo pa rin! Ang kakapal ng mukha n’yo!

Best Single Performance By A Female Supporter in a Non-Campaign Sortie
Winner: Kris Aquino on ‘The Buzz’ (March 14, 2010)
In her most convincing performance yet as an actress, an emotional Kris Aquino took a swipe at her brother’s critics. Nope, she was not campaigning. It just so happened that she had to mention the name “Noynoy” 15 times during Boy Abunda’s interview.
Runner-up: Baby Villar-Benedicto lambasting ABS-CBN and GMA 7 for being allegedly biased against her brother
A few more workshop sessions and Odette Khan’s got competition. Good luck!

“In All Fairness, Kinaya Nilang Manahimik During the Campaign” Award
Winner: Korina Sanchez
Two thumbs up for Mrs. Palengke for keeping it low-key. Next time lang, kung manonood ka ng Tears for Fears concert at magpa-flash ka ng Laban sign sa camera, make sure na wala sa crowd ang very honest na si TJ Manotoc para ‘di ka ulit ma-tweet!
Runner-up: The Macapagal-Arroyos
Aminin n’yo, tahimik sila! Na-miss n’yo ‘noh?

AND FINALLY…
“Campaign Paraphernalia Gone Wrong” Award
Winner: Nanay Curing Villar
Two reasons why it failed: One, she’s octogenarian, let her rest! Two, she’s in orange.
Runner-up: Baby James
Two reasons why it failed: one, like his mother Kris, he is tactless. Two, he’s not cute. (Come on, objectively, he’s not!)
_____________________________
“When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” ~Clarence Darrow

Survey Says…
Dapat bang ipagpaliban muna ang halalan hangga’t ‘di nareresolba ang problema ng Comelec/Smartmatic-TIM?
OO! Ayusin muna ang kapalpakan! 29%
Hindi na! Ituloy ang eleksyon! 64%
Bahala na. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Tomorrow, we will be part of a historic electoral exercise.
Be vigilant.
Be patient.
Be rational.
Hindi nadadaanan sa dahas ang pagresolba sa ‘di pagkakaunawaaan.

After this election, sana, bati-bati pa rin tayong lahat.
Tulung-tulong sa pagsulong!

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino!





HOPEFUL, HOPEFULS

17 12 2009


Official Candidates
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacies of eight presidential nominees: former defense secretary Gilbert Teodoro, Sen. Richard Gordon, Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, Sen. Manuel Villar, former president Joseph Estrada; Olongapo City Councilor Juan Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, and Sen. Ana Maria Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal. It’s an all-male battle for the presidency!

Official VP Candidates
The list of vice presidential candidates approved by the Commission on Elections was more diverse. There was a woman (Loren Legarda) and there were two blacks (Jejomar Binay and Jay Sonza).

Perlas Is Out
The Commission on Elections rejected the presidential bid of Nicanor Perlas. The commissioners junked him when they learned that the environmental activist’s platform includes “Cleaning up the Comelec.”

Suicidal?
Former actor, Marcos loyalist, and forever aspiring public servant Amay Bisaya reportedly vowed to commit suicide on Election Day if he loses his gubernatorial bid in Bohol province. But friends and supporters have advised Bisaya not to lose hope in case he doesn’t win at the polls. After all, he can always rely on a Comelec recount.

Hopeful
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 86 percent of respondents would enter the New Year with hope. But the Nacionalista Party is questioning the survey because the remaining 14 percent of respondents answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Judge Dreads
Judge Luisito Cortez of Quezon City RTC Branch 84 has backed out from handling the trial of Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. for the Maguindanao massacre. Asked why, Cortez replied, “Better back out than be backhoed.”

Ano ang angkop na deskripsyon, pamagat, o caption sa larawang ito?

A: “Teka lang, teka lang. ‘Wag n’yo na ‘kong kunan. Baka sabihin naman nila, gumigimik lang ako.”
B: “At least puwede ‘ko itong gawin. Si pinsang Noynoy, delikado. Masamang dumikit sa sanggol ang amoy sigarilyo.”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman nag-double digit ang rating ko nito, ewan ko na lang.”
D: Lahat ng nagiging trapo ay nagsisimula sa mga eksenang ganito.

Overseas
In Texas, USA… Houston became the first city to elect an openly gay mayor, a historic development described by Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer as “immoral.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “It’s an FG.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “You mean, my first nine years?”

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth when a deranged man hit him with a statue during a Milan rally. Berlusconi was immediately put into a car but remained calm and waved to to the crowd. In the Philippines, a deranged woman almost hit President Arroyo with a tomato during a rally in Manila. Arroyo was immediately put into a car but remained calm and declared Martial Law.
_____________
“Dum spiro, spero” (While I breathe, I hope)
~Latin Proverb (Cicero)

Survey Says
Are you done with your Christmas shopping?
YES! 10%
NOT YET. 73%
Bawal sa religion namin/Pass muna. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





THE SEARCH IS OVER

14 11 2009

edu-gibo
Gibô’s Running Mate
TV host/actor Edu Manzano will be the running mate of Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party presidential bet Gilbert Teodoro. In making the announcement, Teodoro lauded Manzano for his “experience,” “clean record in local government,” “advocacies for young Filipinos,” and “preparedness to lose big time.”

Gibô’s Running Mate II
Actor Edu Manzano has agreed to become the running mate of Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodro. Manzano admits he’s got no plans of seeking a higher elective post… until he received a text message from Lakas-Kampi-CMD stalwart Ronaldo Puno that said: “Earn 50 million in 6 months! Absolutely no cash out. Hurry! Offer’s good until midnight of December 1 only.”

Gibô’s Running Mate III
Actor Edu Manzano has agreed to become the running mate of Gilbert Teodro. Manzano believes that by running for vice president, he would finally have a chance to serve the poor, inspire the youth, and beat Jejomar Binay.

Gibô’s Running Mate IV
Former Game KNB? host, Edu Manzano admitted that he was hesitant to accept the ruling party’s offer to become its vice presidential bet. But when he saw Gibô for the first time in person last Wednesday, “all my qualms went out of the window.” It was love at first sight. (Awrrr!)

edu_gibo2 Gibô’s Running Mate V
Edu Manzano’s decision to run as vice president of Gilbert Teodoro surprised the Liberal Party. In fact, Noynoy Aquino was so shocked his mouth voluntarily closed for the first time.

Gibô’s Running Mate VI
Edu Manzano’s decision to run as vice president of Gilbert Teodoro surprised the Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino. In fact, Joseph Estrada was so shocked, he uttered his initial reaction in flawless English.

Briefly Noted
ABS-CBN talent Edu Manzano, boyfriend of ABS-CBN news presenter Pinky Webb is the running mate of the ruling party’s presidential bet Gilbert Teodoro. Sen. Loren Legarda, former ABS-CBN news presenter is set to declare her alliance with Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. whose No. 1 supporter is another ABS-CBN talent Willie Revillame. Of course, there’s the tandem of Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino, brother of prized ABS-CBN talent Kris Aquino, and Mar Roxas, husband of ABS-CBN chief correspondent Korina Sanchez. And don’t forget Joseph Estrada, father-in-law of a Lopez scion, Beaver. It’s ABS-CBN vs. ABS-CBN vs. ABS-CBN vs. ABS-CBN in 2010. This just in! The Commission on Elections has just declared the network an election hot spot.

Light Bites
Q: Why is Lakas-Kampi-CMD considered an environment-friendly party?
A: Because in choosing its vice presidential bet, it went from Puno to Papaya

clinton_presscon
In Other News… Clinton in Manila
Authorities went on high alert during the two-day Manila visit of US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Security was so tight police thought they were at the wedding of Mar and Korina.

Comelec vs. “Ang Ladlad”
Citing passages from the Bible and the Koran, the Commission on Elections’ Second Division dismissed the petition for accreditation in the party list elections of ‘Ang Ladlad’ – an organization promoting the rights and welfare of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender, saying the group “tolerates immorality.” To know more about the decision, the Comelec’s pastoral letter will be read in tomorrow’s Sunday mass.

Losses
Pilipinas Shell claims it has lost 81 million pesos in six days because of the oil price freeze… something that pales in comparison to the experience of the government itself: on Day 1 of Angelo Reyes’ appointment, the government lost him to the oil companies.
_____________

Survey Says
Lakas-Kampi-CMD allies are defecting to the Liberal Party and the Nacionalista Party. Your take:
-Bravo! Matatalino! ‘Yan ang tamang hakbang tungo sa pagbabago!: 6%
-Ang kakapal ng mukha! Mga balimbing! Mga oportunista! :75%
-Wala akong pakialam. :19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





GIFTS

18 05 2009

BALIKAT
Balikatan Fund Controversy
Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile says the Senate is not keen on investigating the alleged misuse of the budget allotted to the Balikatan military exercises… unless the whistleblower links Sen. Manny Villar to the fund mess.

Politics of Hate
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde appealed to the country’s political leaders, particularly presidential aspirants to end the “politics of hate.” That’s exactly what Mar Roxas had in mind when he decided to use “love” to advance his political agenda.

Aung San Suu Kyi
Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo has appealed to Myanmar’s military junta to release from house arrest Nobel laureate and democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyi. To prove its sincerity, the Philippine government has offered to help fast-track Suu Kyi’s release by sending to Myanmar – Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office.

Lim & Manila’s Elderly
Mayor Alfredo Lim says starting this May, senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive gifts from the city government. The package includes Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Lim initiated the project after receiving reports that a number of elderly persons in Manila have started to relocate to neighboring Makati.

Starting May 2009, Manila’s elderly will receive gifts from the city government. When an unidentified old man heard this, he exclaimed, “Thank you Mayor Lim! Thank you Unilever! Thank you 2010 elections!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has just announced his newest project: senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Now that the program is in progress, he can now focus on his new project: a TV ad.

matanda
Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s Latest Project in Manila

No. 5: “Isang balot na ligaya kapalit ng isang balota.”

No. 4: “Kapag termino’y natapos, regalo ay ubos!”

No. 3: “Suyuin ang matatanda habang maaga! Pigilan ang pagbalik ng pamilya Atienza!”

No. 2: “Ganito kami sa Tondo. Sana ganito rin sa buong mundo!”

And the No. 1 rejected slogan for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s latest project in Manila…

“Hindi lamang sa Makati may nabobola! May puwede ring utuin dito sa Manila!”

katrina-hayden Video Scandal
Another scandalous video involving actress Katrina Halili and Hayden “Careless Whisper” Kho has reportedly surfaced! But here’s the strange thing about it: the scandal took place inside a Comelec rest room!

Light Bites
Q: What has three wheels and flies?
A: A pedicab carrying shit

Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: The shit appears on TV during lunchtime

Q: What do you get when you put Manny Villar in a glass of water?
A: Orange juice!

Q: What do you get when you put Jejomar Binay in a glass of water?
A: A chocolate drink!

Q: What do you get when you put Panfilo Lacson in a glass of water?
A: A gunshot wound.

LBC Elsewhere…
Here are two versions (1) Remittance (2) Affordable – of the controversial LBC TV ad that has generated outrage from various sectors like Migrante International for “falsely educating” children about the sacrifices of OFWs. The ads were created by ASPAC/LAW Advertising Agency.

The geniuses of Aspac could learn a thing or two from the people behind a series of similar advertisements shown on US television a couple of years back. Here it is.

Manila Standard Today’s Vic Agustin has an item on the controversial YouTube video showing the father of a poll automation bidder inside a Comelec restroom.

Lastly, this may be a bit late, but I want to share a really nice piece titled “Systems” written by Conrad De Quiros for the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
____________
“To drive men from independence to live on alms, is itself great cruelty.”
~Edmund Burke








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