OBJECTION!

23 01 2012

Quote of the Week:
“I would like to take this opportunity to correct the misimpression being peddled by a certain Professional Heckler. Ang suot ko noong opening ng Impeachment trial ay hindi galing sa alinmang branch ng SM. ‘Yan ay isang kasinungalingan. At kung kailangan kong ipa-subpoena sa witness stand si Manay Gina de Venecia at ang iba pang miyembro ng Association of Lady Legislators upang
patunayan ito ay gagawin ko.
~Akbayan Party-list Rep. Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan,
Member, Impeachment Prosecution Panel

PLEASE ALL RISE. Senate President Kris Aquino Presiding.

Day 2, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: The impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato C. Corona is hereby called to order. But before we proceed to the presentation of evidence, I’d like to take this opportunity na magpasalamat sa family court ng Makati City. Kay Judge, love love love na talaga kita. Ayaw ko po munang magbigay na detalye kasi magagalit na naman sina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky. Pero thank you so much talaga Judge. Ipagpi-pray kita sa Manaoag next week. Promise. ‘Yon lang. Aha-ha-ha! Okay, let’s proceed. Tito Sen?

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: We are in receipt of a request filed by the prosecution for the issuance of subpoena duces tecum and subpoena ad testifacandum to Chief Justice Renato Corona, his wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors in relation to the instant impeachment proceedings.

PO Kris Aquino: Gosh, ang dami lang. Ok, denied! Aha-ha-ha!

Cong. Niel Tupas: The prosecution submits to the ruling of the Senate President.

PO Kris Aquino: Talaga? I love youuuuuu!

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: Madam Presiding Officer…

PO Kris Aquino: The gentleman from Taguig…

Senator Cayetano: I agree with the ruling in so far as the Chief Justice is concerned. But with the wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors I’d like to express my reservations.

PO Kris Aquino: So you’re opposing my ruling, gano’n?
Senator Cayetano: Can we put this into a vote?

PO Kris Aquino: My God, I hate you. Pinapahiya mo ‘ko. Live pa naman tayo! Feeling ko tuloy nasa Day 2 pa lang tayo, grandstanding ka na. Okay fine! Eh ‘di vote.

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: Those who are in favor of the ruling of Madam Chair raise your hands… 1, 2, 3… 14! Those who are not in favor, please raise your hands! 1,2,3, 4, 5, 6. Fourteen-six for the ruling of the presiding officer.

PO Kris Aquino: 14-6? Yeyyyyy! Sorry Alan, I won. Aha-ha-ha Pero wait lang. Kayong labing-apat, lalo ka na Tito Frank, humanda kayo kay Noy! Unless bumawi ka sa Day 3, which I am sure you will… knowing you. Aha-ha-ha. In fairness, kasama sa six ang Nacionalista boys. Ano kayang nakain? Aha-ha-ha. One minute suspension. Tawagan ko lang si Deo for my taping sked.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: May we start with the presentation of evidence? It’s getting late na. Oily na ‘ko. Please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair…

PO Kris Aquino: Guard, ‘yong driver naligaw sa floor. Paki-guide palabas please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair… I am part of the prosecution.
PO Kris Aquino: Oh gosh. Sorrrrrry! I’m so mean. Sorry po talaga. I honestly thought you were… never mind. Please proceed.

Congressman Barzaga: The prosecution, Your Honor, is reydi to present its evidence and as provided for in the complaint, we shall start presenting evidence in so far…
PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang Mr. Congressman! Matagal ka na bang walang buhok? Is that alopecia?
(Crowd laughs)

PO Kris Aquino: O, bakit kayo tumatawa? Hellooooo. Alangan namang itanong ko, ‘bakit makapal ang buhok’ mo. Kaloka kayo!
Congressman Barzaga: Since early 2000 Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: See? Honest siya! I’m starting to like you na. May personality ka, promise! Try mo kaya ‘yong shampoo na bigay ko kay Noy last year. Nabili ko sa States. I’ll give you the brand name later after ng session. Effective siya as in. Wait, sorry, I didn’t quite get your name…

Congressman Barzaga: Elpidio Barazaga Jr, Madam Chair, representing the City of Dasmariñas.
PO Kris Aquino: Owwws? Alam ba nilang nire-represent mo sila?

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair?
PO Kris Aquino: Joke lang. Aha-ha-ha. Gusto mong lumabas sa sequel ng ‘Segunda Mano?’

Congressman Barzaga: I beg your pardon…
PO Kris Aquino: Wala! Aha-ha-ha. Let’s proceed. As you were saying…

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, we shall start presenting evidence in so far as Article 2 is concerned.

PO Kris Aquino: Article 2? Why? Bakit nabago ang sequence?

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, it is a basic truism, in so far as the practice of law is concerned that a party presenting evidence has the power to determine what would be the order of presentation of evidence.

PO Kris Aquino: Hay naku! Nakakatatlong “in so far as” ka na, pansin ko lang. Walang ibang phrase? Aha-ha-ha. ‘Tsaka tigilan mo ko ng truism truism na ‘yan. Umamin ka Congressman, hindi kayo ready ‘no? Careful ka sa answer mo, nakatutok si Noy ngayon. Alam mo na!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, marami na kasing lumabas na reports tungkol sa SALN ng Chief Justice. He even said that he’s willing to donate some of his properties na mapapatunayang kanya.

PO Kris Aquino: You didn’t answer my question… promise. I’m getting disappointed with you na guys.

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, can we just postpone the trial for tomorrow?

PO Kris Aquino: ‘Yun na! I swear, Noy is incensed right now. My God! You’re embarrassing my brother. I hate you! (Message alert tone)

PO Kris Aquino: O ‘yan! Trending ka na raw on Twitter Philippines! I’m sure, they’re mocking you na. Nakakahiyaaa!

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, we just want to give the defense an opportunity to prepare for Article 2.

PO Kris Aquino: You’re making palusot naman ngayon! Ewan ko sa inyo! Lagi n’yo namang ka-meeting si Noy, tapos ganito? Hayyyyy! Mag-usap-usap kayo pwede? Try to regroup! You talaga! One minute suspension nga! When we return, we shall rule on a motion filed by another member of the prosecution.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 3.
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: I believe there’s a pending motion filed by the prosecution…

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: As a matter of fact Madam Chair, there is. We received a complaint from public prosecutor Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan. Apparently Your Honor, somebody else, pretending to be the honorable Congresswoman made an appearance on Day 1 of the impeachment trial. Sa katunayan, nakausap n’yo pa siya sa floor.

PO Kris Aquino: Oh my God. May impostor na nakapasok sa impeachment court?

Cong. Niel Tupas: As far as the prosecution panel is concerned, yes Your Honor. As the Majority Floor Leader mentioned, the impostor probably changed his appearance and assumed the form of Congresswoman Bag-ao during the first day of this trial.

PO Kris Aquino: Nakakaloka! May evidence ba ang prosecution?


Cong. Niel Tupas: Exhibit A, Your Honor: ang kontrobersyal na terno! Kung inyong matatandaan, ang sabi ng impostor, nabili lang sa SM ang terno. Ito ay mariing pinabubulaanan ni Congresswoman Bag-ao. Hindi raw nagmula sa alinmang branch ng SM ang naturang kasuotan. Hindi sa Megamall! Hindi sa SM North! Hindi sa SM Centerpoint! At lalong hindi sa mala-palengkeng SM Mall of Asia!

PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang. So dini-deny ni Congresswoman Bag-ao na nabili niya sa SM ang terno? Sandali. Hindi ko ‘to kinakaya. Kailangan talagang ideny? Isyu ba ‘to? Relevant?

Cong. Niel Tupas: Yes, Your Honor. Kongresista nga naman siya. How dare this impostor claim na nabili lang ang terno sa pang-masang mall? The allegation was absurd, preposterous, baseless, and if I may personally add, defamatory.

PO Kris Aquino: Wait, where did she buy that ba? Landmark?

Congressman Barzaga: Objection! Relevance?!?

PO Kris Aquino: Aha-ha-ha! Mag-object talaga sa ‘kin? Presiding officer ako Mr. Congressman. I can ask clarificatory questions!

Justice Serafin Cuevas: Madam Chair, may I? Point of order.

PO Kris Aquino: Nyeeeeh! Buhay pa pala kayo Justice Cuevas! Next time nga, ‘wag namang biglaan ang pagpaparamdam n’yo! Nakakagulat lang. Promise. What’s your point of order?

Justice Cuevas: The prosecution is apparently delaying this trial. What’s the point of the manifestation?

PO Kris Aquino: True! In fairness, kahit ako naguguluhan. Mr. Prosecutor…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang gusto lang namin, higpitan ang seguridad sa impeachment court upang hindi na maulit ang nangyari sa Day 1. Mahirap nang mabiktima ulit ng impostor. Please lang. Nakakasira ng reputasyon.

PO Kris Aquino: The chair hereby orders the Senate Sergeant-At-Arms to impose a stricter screening of visitors. Likewise, from this day on, lahat ng papasok sa Senado ay tatanungin: “Who are you wearing?” Isulat ito sa logbook para may reference ang media. Bongga ‘di ba? At least, maiiwasan natin ang paglabas ng maling info.

Cong. Niel Tupas: Thank you Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: No, this impeachment court should thank the prosecution panel. Your terno-driven manifestation was brilliant, promise. I’m sure matutuwa si Noy. So, thank you. And with that, trial adjourned!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor…
PO Kris Aquino: Yes, Congressman Barzaga…
Congressman Barzaga: Are you single?
PO Kris Aquino: Objection! Relevance? Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————————————————————
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”
~Henry Ward Beecher

Quote of the Day
“It took me 44 years to find you. I have found you Shalani. I have found happiness. I will love you forever.”
~Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo to Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad

Stay safe people.

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PRESIDING OFFICER KRIS AQUINO

21 01 2012

WHEN PRESIDING OFFICER Juan Ponce Enrile adjourned the impeachment trial last Thursday, there was a collective sigh of relief (on Twitter) among journalists and even radio/TV hosts covering the historic event. Finally, rest.

Monitoring the trial on TV as well as the press conferences and radio/TV interviews of both the prosecution and defense teams is actually draining. Maybe it would be less exhausting if the presiding officer was Kris Aquino. Hmmm, let’s see.

Day 1, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate and our beloved countrymen,

Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Madam Senate President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, good afternoon. Respectfully appearing for the House of Representatives’ prosecution panel, my name iz uh, Niel Tupas Jr. of Iloilo.

PO Kris: Teka lang. Niel Tupas Jr? So dad mo si Niel Tupas Sr? ‘Yong may graft case sa Ombudsman?

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Yes, Madam Senate President. But the case is pending and my father has never been convicted.

PO Kris: Oo nga. I said case. Wala naman akong sinabing convicted ‘di ba? Kaloka. Defensive much? Aha-ha-ha. Next!

Cong. Raul Daza: For the prosecution, Raul Daza, deputy speaker, first district Northern Samar.

PO Kris: Oh my God, Congressman Raul Daza?! The defense lawyer of Erap during his impeachment trial? Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Until now congressman ka pa rin? Overrrr! Next!


Congw. Marlyn Primicias Agabas: Conditionally, Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas, sixth district, Province of Pangasinan.
Congw. Arlene Bag-ao: Good afternoon Your Honor, respectfully appearing for the prosecution, my name is Arlene Bag-ao from the party-list Akbayan.

PO Kris: Sandali, what’s your name again?
Congw. Bag-ao: Ako po, Your Honor?
PO Kris: No, ‘yong unang girl.
Congw. Agabas: Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?
Congw. Agabas: Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Sosyaaal! Can afford. O, ikaw naman Congresswoman Bag-ao, sinong tumahi n’yan?
Congw. Bag-ao: SM lang po ‘to Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: Bongga! I like you! Walang pretensions. SM kung SM! Why not ‘di ba? Feeling ko Megamall ‘yan? Kultura?
Congw. Bag-ao: Tama po, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Winnnnner! Anyway, kahit identified ako sa mga taong nagsusulong ng ouster ng Chief Justice, uulitin ko lang, i will try to be fair. Pero, i admit, kapag nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga congressmen, naaalala ko ang dati kong show, ‘yong ‘The Price is Right.’ I don’t know why. Basta. Sandali, session suspended for 5 minutes muna! Retouch lang ako. Bambbi, ‘yong blush-on ko please.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris): I am baaaaack. Sorry everyone. Continue na natin. Team Jacob naman. Go!

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Kagalang-galang na Pangulo ng Senado,mahal naming miyembro ng Senado, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. This is retired Justice Serafin Cuevas, appearing for the respondent, Renato Corona, your honor. And for that purpose, may we be allowed to state for the record that the Honorable Justice Corona is here pursuant to the invitation of this honorable body.

PO Kris: Ang dami mo nang sinabi. Sandali lang Justice. How old ka na?

Justice Cuevas: For the record your honor, I am turning 84 years old in July.

PO Kris: Gosh, you’re that old na pala. In fairness, hindi halata Justice. Parang 80 ka lang. Aha-ha-ha Seriously, I’m impressed. I hope you don’t mind, sino po ang mas matanda: kayo o ‘yong Revised Penal Code of the Philippines?
Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, I object to this entire line of questioning. It’s leading… leading to the grave. That is totally irrelevant to the case.


PO Kris: Ay ganun? Fine! As you were saying, the respondent is here? Where is he seated?
Justice Cuevas: They’re at the second row of the gallery your honor. Tumayo po kayo Mr Chief Justice.
PO Kris: Oh, he. Is that Mrs. Corona beside him? In fairness huh, pretty s’ya. May taste ka Mr. Chief Justice. At sino ‘yong katabi ni Mrs. Corona? Si Atty. Midas Marquez ba ‘yon?
Justice Cuevas: Yes, your honor.
PO Kris: Mas pretty s’ya. Aha-ha-ha.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: Oh, wait I have a call. One minute suspension.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 3:
Presiding Officer Kris: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my son, Bimby. He’s watching the trial right now on TV. So if you would please, can you say “Hi Bimby!” Sige naaaa… matutuwa ‘yon. At the count of three, ok? 1, 2, 3…

Senators: “Hi Bimby!”
PO Kris: Yey! I love youuuu! Ok, proceed na sa opening statements. Team Edward mauna na kayo…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Today we lay down before this honorable impeachment tribunal the product of the collective voice of the people…

PO Kris: Teka lang. Maraming nanonood na ‘di nakapag-aral. Pakilinaw please ang ‘collective.’ Baka isipin nila, may na-collect kayo kaya inimpeach n’yo s’ya. Bad sa image ”yon. Please continue…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang ibig sabihin namin your honor, ang kasong ilalatag namin ay mula sa iisang tinig ng taong-bayan. And if I may proceed, before God and country we say this: you, Mr Corona, are an enemy to good government. Like Judas Iscariot, you betrayed your God for a few pieces of gold. In the name of God, go!

PO Kris: Excuse me Mr. Congressman! Unang-una, it’s not gold. Helloooo! It’s silver. Day 1 pa lang mali na ang research mo. Kainis kayo! Pinapahiya n’yo si Noy! And pleeeeeeease, avoid using the name of God. Kasi, hindi rin fair kung ‘di mo kukunin ang side ni God. Actually, God talked to me late last night. Dini-deny n’yang nag-usap kayo. Pa’no ba ‘yan? Careful ka. Perjury ‘yang ginagawa mo. To the impeachment court, ignore that portion about God okay. Mabuti nang safe. Team Jacob, your turn.

Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, Chief Justice Renato Corona is entitled to an acquittal of the charges against him. In addition to this representation your honor, may we also put on record, that he is entering a plea of not guilty to all the charges embodied in the complaint.

PO Kris: Day 1 pa lang ng trial, not guilty na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pakilala muna ang defense panel? Yes, what is the concern of the gentleman from Iloilo, Tito Frank, I mean, Senator Frank Drilon…

Senator Drilon: Just a point of order Kris, I mean, Madam Senate President. Anong ‘not guilty’ ang pinagsasasabi ng defense? That manifestation is premature! Defense panel is only supposed to enter their appearance.

PO Kris: ‘Yon nga ang sabi ko. Ayyyyy, not listening. Kainis. Masyado kang obvious Tito Frank. Premature assistance to the prosecution aha-ha-ha. Sorry. If you’re watching Noy, sorry.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: ‘Sensya na, sagutin ko lang. 10 seconds…

PO Kris: Oh? Really? Shocks, matutuwa sila. Ok,ok.. sige. Thanks Boy. Bye.

PO Kris: Ladies and gentlemen of the impeachment court, I have good news. We are trending worldwiiiiiide! Yey! In fairness! Tinalo pa raw natin ang Golden Globe Awards. Winnnnner! Dahil d’yan, I’ll let you rest muna. Tomorrow na lang ulit, 2PM okay? Trial adjourned.
————————————————————————————–
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
~Jeremy Bentham

Sa Ibang Balita
Good News: Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra “bagay” daw sa ating Pangulo
Bad News: Ayon kay Kris Aquino

Good News: Ayon sa SWS, bilang ng mga Pilipinong “mahirap” ang tingin sa sarili, bumaba.
Bad News: Bilang ng mga Pilipinong ‘in denial,’ tumaas.

Good News: SWS: Bilang ng “mahihirap” na Pinoy bumaba
Bad News: SWS survey sa Kongreso isinagawa

Briefly Noted: Wow Mali
Justice Secretary De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman regarding the Magtanggol Gatdula et al alleged kidnapping and extortion case. (Photo: ellentordesillas.com)

Annoying
Attention: President Aquino and Atty. Edwin Lacierda
10 of the Most Irritating Phrases in the English Language

Have a happy long weekend! Stay safe.

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THE FIRST TWO DAYS

17 01 2012

TODAY’S JOKE:
>The Prosecution Panel.
There.


On Tuesday, the Senate postponed the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Corona. The prosecution panel requested the postponement because they were not ready to present evidence. Apparently, they were better prepared when it comes to presenting evidence to the media.

Remember last week when public prosecutors insisted that they were the underdogs? Today, they proved it.

Cavite Representative Elpidio Barzaga Jr, a member of the prosecution team admitted they were not prepared to present evidence for Article No. 1. To which Corona said, “I love you too!”


Cong. Elpidio Barzaga Jr was a top trending topic on Twitter Philippines following his ‘debut’ in the impeachment trial. When told of his ‘online feat,’ Barzaga was doubtful, and demanded to see the computer-generated evidence.

The prosecution panel bungled Day 2 of the Corona impeachment trial. In other news, President Aquino ordered the Budget Department to not release the solons’ pork barrel – until further notice.


Right now, not even the goodlooking spokespersons of the prosecution team can erase the perception that the team is so NOT ready for this trial.

In fact, I seriously believe that Conrado De Quiros is better prepared than these public prosecutors.

If it’s any consolation, the prosecution panel proved one thing today – it’s more fun in the Philippines!

Quote of the Day
“The prosecution is not prepared to present evidence today, the court moto propio postpones the trial until tomorrow afternoon at 2:00.”
~Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Presiding Officer

Pic of the Week

Atty. Midas Marquez: OMG! Narinig n’yo ‘yon Ma’am? Hindi raw handa ang prosecution hihihi
Mrs. Cristina Corona: Nakakaloka! At ‘yong Barzaga, super funnnny! Kalbo na, nagpapatawa pa! ‘Di ko kinaya!
CJ Renato Corona: Tumigil nga kayong dalawa d’yan. May mga camera! Hindi ako puwedeng matawa. Kailangan ‘underdog’ ang image.

DAY ONE
To say that January 16 was an action-packed day would be an understatement. Aside from the unknown fact that it was my birthday, it’s also the first day of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial. Then you have the annual Golden Globe Awards and the start of the Australian Open. The Golden Globes are 69 years old and the Aussie Open is on its 107th year. You add that up and you get the age of Corona’s legal counsel Serafin Cuevas.


You’ve got to stand in awe of Serafin Cuevas and Juan Ponce Enrile. Those guys are still sharp! Isn’t this their third lifetime already?

Give credit to the Senate President for being decisive. He was able to take full control of the proceedings. The only thing he can’t control is the smuggling of luxury cars in Cagayan.

Compared to Day 1 of the Estrada impeachment trial, observers say the opening day of Corona’s trial lacked drama and fireworks. In other news, Loren Legarda and Miriam Defensor-Santiago were absent yesterday.


I was able to monitor both the Golden Globes and the first day of the Impeachment Trial. Sorry to say this but Ricky Gervais’ opening was more impressive than Niel Tupas Jr’s.

Addressing Mr. Corona in his opening statement, Cong. Niel Tupas Jr said, “In the name of God, go!” To which God said, “Dude, ‘wag mo na akong idamay d’yan.”

The Estrada impeachment trial involved two envelopes. The Corona impeachment trial, according to a text blast, involves 188 envelopes.


Briefly Noted: Emma Stone was every inch a goddess at the Golden Globes. Prosecution panel member Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas was every inch a “ninang sa kasal” in the Senate.

Combative
Chief Justice Renato Corona delivered a fiery, combative speech before a throng of supporters outside the Supreme Court Monday morning. At one point, he was interrupted by an avid supporter who shouted, “I love you CJ!” And Atty. Midas Marquez was like, “Hindi ako ‘yon huh!”

In his speech, the Chief Justice accused three individuals, whom he refused to identify, of conspiring to unseat him. A vehement denial was immediately issued by ABS-CBN, ANC, and dzMM.

Observers believe Chief Justice Corona’s tirade was directed at President Aquino, DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas and Associate Justice Antonio Carpio. Or as Vice President Binay would say, “Balay Group.”

On ANC, Sec. Mar Roxas just laughed off the allegation that he is a co-conspirator to oust the Chief Justice. He can’t even oust Jojo Ochoa!

In Other News
The 69th Golden Globe Awards was held Monday morning (Manila time). George Clooney won Best Actor for the family drama “The Descendants.” A disappointed Laguna Governor ER Ejercito accused Kris Aquino of influencing the jurors to vote for Clooney.

“The Descendants” was named Best Motion Picture-Drama at the 69th Golden Globe Awards… to the utter shock of the producers of “Manila Kingpin: The Asyong Salonga Story” who expected that their project would win the award.

Meryl Streep won yet again. She’s been winning for like forever. The Binays can totally relate.

The Kardashians
There have been rumors that Khloe Kardashian is not really a Kardashian. If that’s true, then she’s probably a Gutierrez.
———————————————————————————–
“If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.”
~Lord Halifax

Quote of the Day
“Tama, isa akong malaking hadlang. Malaki akong hadlang sa mga nagnanais na hindi maipamahagi ang lupain sa Hacienda Luisita. Malaki din akong hadlang sa nagmamadaling maging bise-presidente ngunit talo noong 2010. At huwag na tayong lumayo: malaki din akong hadlang sa matagal nang nag-aambisyong maging Chief Justice. Sila pong tatlo ang nagsasabwatan upang mapatalsik ako sa pwesto.”
~Chief Justice Renato Corona

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NEW YEAR’S EVE

28 12 2011


INTERVIEWED BY ANC’s Lynda Jumilla, President Aquino says his No. 1 wish for 2012 is employment opportunities for Filipinos. To prove his sincerity, he then announces an opening in the Supreme Court.

Even before the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona could begin, President Aquino has already instructed his legal team to look for a possible replacement. In other news, Associate Justice Antonio Carpio is looking forward to a fruitful 2012.

Journalists describe Chief Justice Renato Corona’s legal team as “powerhouse.’ But Malacañang is unfazed. After all, it has the power, and it has the House.

New Year
It will be another exciting New Year’s Eve in the Philippines. While most Filipinos are ushering in 2012 with ‘sinturon ni Hudas,’ ‘bawang,’ whistle bomb, ‘Goodbye Universe,’ and ‘Goodbye Philippines,’ President Aquino is welcoming it with “Goodbye Corona.”

Just so you know, Senators Joker Arroyo and Juan Ponce Enrile almost got injured during last year’s New Year’s Eve revelry. Somebody mistook them for ‘super lolo.’

Atty. Ferdie Topacio is spending New Year’s Eve at Times Square in New York this year. He wants to see the ball drop.

Top 5 Signs You’re at a New Year’s Eve Party in Malacañang

No. 5: The piped-in music is ‘Estudyante Blues.’

No. 4: When you ask for a beer bottle opener, people tell you, “Look for Secretary Jojo Ochoa!”

No. 3: Josh.

No. 2: There’s a sign at the entrance that reads, “Valerie Concepcion Not Allowed”

And the No. 1 sign that you’re at a New Year’s Eve party in Malacañang…

The President is having the time of his life… mainly because ang New Year’s Eve ay isa sa mga rare occasions kung saan puwede siyang magpaputok!

Just Fair
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that the government’s treatment of former President Arroyo with regard to the case filed against her was “only fair.” That’s the opinion of 7 out of 10 Filipinos. The other three were Topacio, Horn and Lambino.

The Fugitive
Authorities have yet to locate retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. The government has offered a 500 thousand-peso bounty for his capture. Nobody knows his whereabouts but closest friends claim Palparan is really excited to learn how to cook adobo, afritada, and empanada.

Innocents
December 28 is Holy Innocents Day – a day to remember the massacre of the innocents. To commemorate the event, Mo Twister is uploading another video on YouTube.

GMA Says
GMA Network has denied Internet rumors that businessman Manny Pangilinan has acquired GMA 7. The network also denied reports there’s an ongoing negotiation between GMA owners and MVP. It seems that GMA has denied everything… except for DJ Mo’s allegation against Rhian Ramos.

Overseas…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-iL was buried today. Loyal supporters who attended the funeral will each receive a vial of uranium.

Thousands of people perished under Kim Jong-iL’s oppressive regime. Sorry, but the mass hysteria puts the fun in Kim Jong-iL’s FUNeral.

Kim Jong-iL has been laid to rest. In case you missed it, the North Korean dictator will be succeeded by his son, Bongbong Jong-iL.
———————————————————————————————–
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
~Bill Vaughan

Have a safe New Year!

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DEAR SANTA/LOVE, GLORIA

22 12 2011


FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be spending Christmas at the hospital. It’s the closest she could get to a ‘white Christmas.’

The court has reportedly allowed Mrs. Arroyo access to television. When she heard this, Leah Navarro offered to donate a Black and White TV.

The Arroyo family vowed to make it ‘Christmas as usual’ for the detained former president. There will be a salu-salo, a short program, and games. I heard that the Arroyo grandchildren really wanted to play ‘Trip to Jerusalem’ but the DOJ reminded them of an existing watch list order.

And believe it or not, those kids also wanted to do palo sebo. The former First Gentleman will provide the sebo.

Top 10 Christmas Wishes/Messages Sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus
(List forwarded to The Professional Heckler by Santa Claus himself)

No. 10:
Dear Santa,
Gusto kong makilala sina Valerie Concepcion at Francine Prieto. I want to personally thank them. Wala lang.
Little Gloria

No. 9:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ako makagalaw. Limitado ang aking kilos. Sa sitwasyon kong ito, nawa’y manatiling faithful ang asawa ko. Ilayo mo siya sa tukso.
Little Gloria

No. 8:
Dear Santa,
I hope maging stronger ang relasyon ni Secretary De Lima sa boyfriend niya. Kung pwede nga Santa, mag-asawa na siya para mabawasan ang pagiging moody niya na ako lagi ang biktima. Please.
Little Gloria

No. 7:
Dear Santa,
Makarma sana ang mga kongresistang isa-isang tumalikod sa akin. Mga oportunista! May araw din sila.
Little Gloria

No. 6:
Dear Santa,
Uy, Mareng Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, ‘musta ka na? Miss ko na kayo. Visit naman kayo rito sa VMMC. Wala akong cell kaya ‘di kita ma-text eh!
Little Gloria

(Sumagot si Santa: “Dear Little Gloria, Sa North Pole mo na-send ang iyong letter sa iyong doktora. Malayo kami sa St. Luke’s. Tanga! – Santa)

No. 5:
Dear Santa,
Pahabain mo pa ang buhay ni Father Joaquin Bernas. His insights have been very helpful.
Little Gloria

No. 4:
Dear Santa,
Patnubayan mo ang kalusugan ni Atty. Ferdie Topacio. Sa mga pagkakataong ako ay sad, napapatawa ako ng kanyang mga banat. Ilayo mo sa disgrasya ang kanyang mga bayag.
Little Gloria

No. 3:
Dear Santa,
Bahala ka na kay Rene Corona. Mabait na tao naman ‘yon. Maaasahan sa lahat ng oras. Paki-assist na lang sa impeachment.
Little Gloria

No. 2:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ko gusto ang inaasta ng Judge Mupas na ‘yon. I smell conviction. Kunin mo na s’ya.
Little Gloria

And the No. 1 Christmas wish/message sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus…
Dear Santa,
Big favor naman. Nagpabili ako ng kahun-kahong pakete ng sigarilyo. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan para makaganti ako. Pakidala naman sa bahay ng pangulo. Thanks.
Little Gloria

CPP Anniversary
Founded on December 26, 1968, the Communist Party of the Philippines is celebrating its anniversary on Monday. Congratulations to the CPP for sustaining a 43-year-losing streak.

Palparan on the Run
The hunt is on for retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. Immigration personnel have been alerted for a possible passenger whose face will be partly covered by a camouflage scarf.

MMFF
Kris Aquino says her film fest entry ‘Segunda Mano’ will keep moviegoers on the edge of their seats; feeling nervous because of uncertainty. Apparently, the film was inspired by the Aquino government.

I intend to watch Kris Aquino’s movie ‘Segunda Mano.’ I wanna get scared and laugh at the same time.
—————————————————————————————————————-
“Revenge is a confession of pain.”
~Latin Proverb

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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THY WILL BE DONE

13 12 2011


TWELVE DAYS BEFORE Christmas, the House of Representatives impeached Chief Justice Renato Corona. Congratulations President Aquino! ‘Gusto ko happy ka!’

Malacañang categorically denied that President Aquino was behind the impeachment of the Chief Justice… mainly because he was at the forefront of the initiative.

Palace spokespersons denied President Aquino had a hand in the impeachment of Corona. He had his ‘whole body’ working on it.

A total of 188 congressmen voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona. Within just minutes, allies of President Aquino have mustered more than enough votes for the ouster move. It was a walk in the pork.

The House of Representatives was able to transmit the articles of impeachment to the Senate in less than five hours. And Judge Jesus Mupas was like, “Gaya-gaya!”

House Justice Committee Chair and Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas says, “The Chief Justice used public funds for his own personal purposes.” Again, a classic case of “Hello kettle. I am pot. You’re so black.”

Meanwhile, House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said the impeachment complaint was the “mother of all blackmails.” Hey, you sponsored the same practice before. Why rant against it now?

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile says senators will vote on the impeachment case based on evidence presented. Spell cliché.

The House of Representatives voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona. From the Lower House, the complaint was transmitted to the Senate. David Stern tried to block the move but failed.

In 2012, we’ll probably witness the trials of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Chief Justice Renato Corona. What an exciting way to spend our last year on Earth.

Just Saying. If the proposed Freedom of Information Act, and the 13-year-old Reproductive Health Bill were “Renato Corona,” both would have been approved a long time ago. Kung ayaw, may dahilan. Kung may pork, maraming paraan.

Merry Christmas!

Quotes of the Day
“Malacañang is not privy to the discussions of the Liberal Party in the House.”
~Deputy Presidential Spokesperson Abigail Valte

“President Aquino gave the general direction, we followed because we believe this is the right thing.”
~ Cavite Representative Joseph Emilio A. Abaya, a Liberal Party stalwart

“This is very important, grave and historic.”
~House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte
———————————————————–
“The genius of impeachment lay in the fact that it could punish the man without punishing the office.”
~ Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

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NOYNOY INTERACTIVE

17 08 2010

EXACTLY 47 DAYS after President Noynoy Aquino took his oath of office, Malacañang unveiled its biggest accomplishment yet, the President’s website.

President Aquino’s official website, www.president.gov.ph provides a link to the members of his official cabinet. Reports say less than three hours after it was launched Monday, the site garnered more than 16,000 hits. In fact, the photo alone of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was hit 15,000 times.


According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit http://www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Budget Secretary Butch Abad and wife, Congresswoman Dina Abad; PMS Chief Julia Abad, and Finance Secretary Purisima’s Chief of Staff Luis Abad visited the site together. Asked about their favorite link, they said, “Home.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

Top 7 Special Interactive Features of www.president.gov.ph

No. 7: Virtual practical shooting with President Noynoy

No. 6: Beat the Customs Chief in a Round of Online Golf

No. 5: Farmville (Philippine Edition): Stock Option or Land Distribution?

No. 4: KANPAi! Virtual inuman with the Executive Secretary and his friends

No. 3: 101 Ways to Fine-Tune A Defective Executive Order

No. 2: Tracking the Typhoon: Perfect Your Forecast or You’re Fired!

And the No. 1 special interactive feature of http://www.president.gov.ph…

Ako ang Nakikita, Ako ang Nasisisi: Halina’t Mag-Karaoke Kasama si Presidente

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited http://www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
—————————-
“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Wala eh. ‘Sensya na. Hindi ako naninigarilyo!”
B: “Mahirap hong ipaliwanag eh. Basta, isang umaga, paggising ng mga legal advisers ko, ito na ho ang sabi nila sa akin, ‘Pare, hinay-hinay na tayo kay Chief Justice. Nega na ang dating eh.'”
C: “Mr. President, ‘wag mo sanang mamasamain. Four petitions against your EOs in less than 100 days?!? Sigurado ka bang graduate ng Ateneo Law School ‘yang mga tao mo?”
D: “Chief, ‘di naman sa nakikialam ako. Hypothetical lang ho. Kung isa kayo sa mga farmers sa Hacienda Luisita, ano ang pipiliin n’yo: kuwarta o lupa?”

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa mungkahing i-abolish ang Sangguniang Kabataan?
– OO! 78.6%
– HINDI. 10.8%
– Wala akong pakialam. 10.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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