NEWS/CASH

STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
- Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
- Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
- Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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OPENING THE SONA

PBA09p6390s8

Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Let us observe a minute of silence in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.”

No. 14: “To officially open this momentous event, please welcome… the members of the Congressional Spouses Foundation interpreting the Academy Award-winning song Jai-Ho!”

No. 13: “And the ‘Pitoy Moreno Award’ for Best Sona Gown goes to…”

No. 12: “Walaaang tulugan!”

No. 11: “After my speech, you may proceed to the Iglesia Ni Cristo anniversary party for your free dinner.”

No. 10: “Is that you Jovy Palparan? Look at you now. I’m so proud of you!”

No. 9: “This will be very short. Why, do you really expect me to accomplish that much in such a short period of time? Hello!”

No. 8: “First, the good news! Identified na ang nag-leak ng info about my boob job!”

No. 7: (Starts singing) “I dreamed a dream in time gone by/When hope was high and life, worth living/I dreamed that love would never die/I dreamed that God would be forgiving

No. 6: “Kapag sinabi kong I am for peace, I mean all out peace for everyone. Kaya mga kababayan, kasama po natin sa gallery ngayong hapon ang unang batch ng mga nagbalik-loob na Abu Sayyaf terrorists. Pasalubungan po natin sila ng masigabong palakpakan at sabay-sabay nating isigaw: Amnestiya para sa Terorista!”

No. 5: “Thank you so much to our major sponsors this afternoon: Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson & Johnson, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Novartis, and Abbott Laboratories.”

No. 4: “Sama-sama tayo! Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo! Teka lang… mali! I am shorry. Dish ish the wrong speech. My goodnesh! The teleprompter! Ayushin ang teleprompter! Pronto!”

No. 3: “Ang hindi papalakpak… hindi ko isasama sa U.S. sa Huwebes!”

No. 2: “I would like to dedicate my last State of the Nation Address to the most caring and hardworking people I’ve ever met – my constituents at the 2nd congressional district of Pampanga! Mañampukaki ing lugud mi kekayu!

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Ladies & gentlemen, good afternoon. This will be my last State of the Nation Address…
as of press time.”
__________
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.” ~Alfred E. Neuman

Elsewhere…
Entertainment editor Ricky Lo wrote in his column today:
“The TV newcaster-lovers are now living happily ever after in a posh condo unit they have recently moved into. He is separated from his wife and so is she (from her artist-husband). They are open with their relationship, so it’s safe to say that they, including their “exes,” are into a live-and-let-live kind of set-up. The female newscaster needs some TLC (Tender Loving Care) after the harrowing experience she has gone through. Yes, indeed, love is more comfortable the second time you fall.”
~ I am sure Tito Ricky was referring to Ces Drilon (her ex: painter Rock Drilon). But who’s Ces’ new flame? Okay, okay… here are some clues:
1: Think of a soda brand
2: “Reverse restroom”
3: Re-read my comment on this item. The identity’s “just there.”

Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin wrote about the financial woes of a former member of the Estrada cabinet.

The National Security Adviser, the Chief Justice and a “transition government.” Here’s a juicy item courtesy of Newsbreak Online

Kobe and the Lakers as well as Phil Jackson won trophies at the ESPY (Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly) Awards given by sports network ESPN. Manny Pacquiao was also hailed the Best Fighter. See complete list of winners here.

In case you wanted to see Kobe in the flesh, check out the details of his upcoming Asia Tour. The Black Mamba will be here on Tuesday, July 21.

Us Weekly posted a never-before-released video of Michael Jackson’s horrifying Pepsi commercial shoot in 1984. The King of Pop was literally on fire. Watch the video here.

And finally, the 61st Emmy nominations have been announced! See who made the cut in the major categories.

B IS FOR BRIBERY

Court of Appeals Bribery
The Lopezes are being accused of bribing Court of Appeals Associate Justice Jose L. Sabio Jr. for a favorable ruling on the Meralco-GSIS row. Let’s see if Judy Ann Santos could explain this one.

Court of Appeals Bribery II
Meralco Chairman and CEO Manolo Lopez said Court of Appeals Associate Justice Jose Sabio Jr. must not worry about his safety after exposing an alleged bribery by the Lopezes. He added, “I want to assure Justice Sabio that the Lopez family has never been involved in any form of violence whatsoever.” I believe him. The Lopezes would never order the assassination of Sabio. Character assassination by DZMM commentators is another issue though.

Court of Appeals Bribery III
The Lopezes’ “emissary” reportedly offered a bribe of 10 million to Associate Justice Jose Sabio Jr… to which the Isnajis of Sulu reacted, “Samantalang kami, five million lang ‘di pa mapagbigyan.”

Pulse Asia Survey
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential elections were held today, Vice President Noli De Castro who obtained a rating of 22 percent would win followed by deposed president Joseph Estrada with 16 percent. Sen. Loren Legarda was strong in third with 14 percent – but is expected to zoom to first place if there would be another kidnapping rescue in Mindanao.

Pulse Asia Survey II
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential elections were held today, Vice President Noli De Castro would win. The good news is, we’re not having the elections today.

Pulse Asia Survey III
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential and vice presidential elections were held today, the tandem of Loren Legarda and Chiz Escudero would win, followed by the Villar-De Castro, and the Roxas-Pangilinan tandems. However, about 1 in 5 Filipino adults do not prefer any of the tandems… and opted to go for the Marian-Dingdong team-up.

Pulse Asia Survey IV
According to Pulse Asia, if presidential elections were held today Senate President Manuel Villar would get 12 percent; Sen. Mar Roxas, eight percent; Sen. Panfilo Lacson, five percent; Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay, two percent; MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando, one percent and Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno, 0.2 percent. If you combined their ratings though, Dyesebel would still beat them by a mile.

University Survey
Only the University of the Philippines and Ateneo de Manila University made it to the list of world’s top 500 universities based on the 2007 survey conducted by the Times Higher Education Supplement Quackquarelli Symonds. UP was ranked 398th while Ateneo took 451st place. De La Salle University, which dropped to 519th, is dismayed by the results and seriously considers filing a protest… at the UAAP board.

University Survey II
Only the University of the Philippines and Ateneo de Manila University made it to the list of world’s top 500 universities based on the 2007 survey conducted by the Times Higher Education Supplement Quackquarelli Symonds. UP was ranked 398th while Ateneo took 451st place. University of Sto. Tomas which dropped out of the elite 500 and is now at 535th vowed to make a comeback… by dethroning UP in the upcoming UAAP cheerdance competition.

Abu Sayyaf Strike Again
Reports say the Abu Sayyaf Group has abducted two traders of cosmetic products in Sulu. Reacting to the report, Ces Drilon said, “Sana isinabay na lang sa ‘min no’n.”

FAMOUS, INFAMOUS

Unpopular

According to the Social Weather Stations, only 22% of Filipinos were satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance. The news did not come as a surprise to First Gentleman Mike Arroyo mainly because her performance has not satisfied him for years either.

Unpopular II

Only 1 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance… meaning, when she’s at the dinner table with the First Gentleman, Luli, Dato, and Mikey, she’s the only one satisfied with her performance.

Unpopular III

Dismissing President Arroyo’s historic-low approval rating, her allies stressed that the presidency is not about popularity, and cited her determination to fight poverty, corruption, and organizations like the Abu Sayyaf, the New People’s Army, and more recently, SWS and Pulse Asia.

GMA’s SONA

July 28, 2008 is a special day for both the administration and the opposition. President Arroyo will deliver her 8th State of the Nation Address on that day while the opposition is celebrating the 8th anniversary of its failure to unseat her.

Top 5 Rumors About President Arroyo’s Sona that Were Dismissed by Malacañang As Untrue

5: Her speechwriter refuses to review the draft speech because every time she does, she would always throw up.

4: People at the gallery who shall applaud her speech will get instant gas coupons per applause.

3: To show her empathy for the masses who are most affected by the skyrocketing cost of petroleum products, she’ll go to Batasan Complex on foot.

2: In 2001, she invited three Payatas children ak.a. “Bangkang Papel” boys to highlight her government’s campaign against poverty. This year, to underscore the government’s fight against terrorism, she has invited Jimmy Encarnacion, Angelo Valderrama, and Ces Drilon (minus the makeup).

And the No. 1 rumor about President Arroyo’s Sona that was dismissed by Malacañang as untrue…

1: Judy Ann Santos will deliver a speech right after the president’s Sona to explain the state of the nation further.

The Lucida-DS Case

United Shelter Health Products, the local distributor of the controversial Lucida-DS whitening drug refused to withdraw its products from the market and insisted that the Bureau of Food and Drugs’ claim that Lucida-DS contained insufficient glutathione was a mistake. Coincidentally, United Shelter has withdrawn its deal with Sen. Loren Legarda and insisted that the decision to get her as endorser was a mistake too.

Terrorists All?

Headline from Mindanao: Catholics in the South getting threats from suspected Abu Sayyaf
Headline in Manila: Pro-choice politicians getting threats from Catholic priests

Personal

Brian Gorrell, the controversial Australian-Canadian blogger and florist who exposed the debauchery and nefariousness of the so-called Gucci Gang has cited this blog in his recent blog post. His flattering compliment and endorsement have helped this site (The Professional Heckler) establish its own weekend readership record of sorts for the month of July. Thank you Brian. And keep on fighting.

MISSED UNIVERSE 2008

Postscript to a Pageant

The Venezuelan lass who won the Miss Universe title was once a kidnap victim in her hometown. Twenty-two-year-old Daiana Mendoza said she capitalized on her traumatic experience to withstand the pressure of the pageant. Jennifer Barrientos, the Philippine candidate who did not even make the semifinals said – given another chance, she’ll get training from Ces Drilon instead.

Jennifer Barrientos,  the Philippine candidate who vowed to bring home the Miss Universe crown failed to even reach the semifinals. She is now barred from going anywhere near the owner of the crown, Miss Venezuela.

Top 5 Ways to Complete the Phrase: “If GMA Were A Miss Universe Candidate…”

5: … she’ll do what ish right, do what ish best, and hopefully, God will take care of the ressht.

4: … she’ll play golf with the judges on the eve of the pageant.

3: … she’ll call a corrupt pageant judge and ask, “Would you help me lead by one million?”

2: … she’ll win the title but the attempt to cheat will be exposed, and she’ll then say sorry. However, she would never give up the crown.

And the No. 1 way to complete the phrase: “If GMA Were A Miss Universe Candidate…”

1: … she’ll refuse to turn over the crown to a successor, and extends her reign for another term saying she’s still the most beautiful and the most capable woman to fulfill the duties of a Miss Universe titlist.

In Other News…

Pastoral Letter

Ozamiz Archbishop Jesus Dosado issued a pastoral letter saying that Catholic politicians who advocate population control must not be given Communion. Former senator Ramon Revilla Sr. immediately released a statement supporting Dosado’s pastoral letter.

Pastoral Letter 2

Sen. Panfilo Lacson described Archbishop Jesus Dosado’s pastoral letter as “downright stupid.” Asked what he would do if he’s given a copy of the pastoral letter, Lacson replied, “Of course, I’ll shoot the letter, place it inside a drum, and pour wet cement on it.”

THE RUNNING MAN

CBCP on Condom Use

Reports say the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines now allows the use of condom by married couples. I don’t know with you but I don’t see any reason why we should allow a group of celibate, sex-deprived men to meddle with other people’s sex life.

James Yap Fined

James Yap was fined by the PBA Board for his involvement in a scuffle during the heated match between Purefoods and Talk ‘N Txt last week. As seen on television, Yap crept behind Phone Pals import Terrence Leather and then gave him a kick. When the American turned around, Mrs. Kris Aquino started running as Leather chased him. Yup, he ran! And that’s just Leather. Imagine what it would have been like if it was Kris.

An oblivious Terrence Leather was kicked by James Yap from behind during a PBA scuffle last week. Yap then ran like a scared puppy when an incensed Leather started chasing him. Asked why he did it on Leather, James replied, “Para ma-experience lang. Sa bahay kasi, ako lagi ang sinisipa.”

Creeping behind Talk ‘n Txt import Terrence Leather, Purefoods star James Yap kicked him then started running around the court when the American import went after him. Yap has since apologized for doing the kick which he claimed he learned from his wife.

Talking to GMA News, Kris Aquino defended his husband James Yap from his detractors saying, “Feehling ko, pinag-iinitan nilang mashyado shi Jamesssh.” Tama ka Kris, feeling ka!

ABS-CBN Documentary

ABS-CBN is airing the controversial documentary on the kidnapping of its reporter Ces Drilon and her crew despite a request from the Department of Justice to postpone it. ABS-CBN’s decision was understandable. The network shelled out millions of pesos for her release; it’s time to recoup the expense.

JDV: I’m Talking

Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia said he would testify at the Senate hearing on the NBN-ZTE deal when he is given a clean bill of health by his doctors – or until such time that he runs of out alibis.

CESPENDED

Ces Drilon Suspended

ABS-CBN suspended reporter/news anchor Ces Drilon for three months for disobeying orders that resulted in her kidnapping and that of her camera crew in Sulu last month. Drilon apologized to her superiors but nonetheless thanked them for giving her the chance to spend more time with her dermatologist, at her favorite spa, and of course, in Rustan’s.

Reacting to her three-month suspension, Ces Drilon apologized to ABS-CBN for causing anxiety to the network and for putting the lives of her crew in danger. It’s not clear though if she’s apologizing too to the people of Indanan, Sulu for putting their mayor in jail.

Pacquiao Is Back

During Manny Pacquiao’s courtesy call to President Arroyo in Malacañang last week, the president made jabs to mimic Pacquiao’s lethal punches – giving us a glimpse of what she exactly does when Mike Arroyo pisses her off.

An Inquirer report noticed the absence of large crowds at Manny Pacquiao’s motorcade in Manila last Friday. Apparently, Manileños were not informed that Lito Atienza’s family and Chavit Singson wouldn’t be riding Manny’s float this time.

If he had his way, Army reservist and boxing champion Manny Pacquiao said he would fight alongside government troops. Asked how he intends to defeat the rebels, Pacquaio replied, “Iimaginin ku na lang na Mixicans sila!”

Reports say Manny Pacquiao is donating 3million pesos to the victims of typhoon “Frank.” But that figure could still go up… depending on his luck at the baccarat table this coming week.

Bishop vs. Boxing

In his Manila Standard Today column on July 5, anti-Arroyo bishop Teodoro Bacañi Jr. confesses that he doesn’t watch boxing and won’t be heaping praises on Manny Pacquiao’s recent victory because boxing is immoral. Between boxing and sexually harassing a secretary, I’m sure Bishop Bacani knows which one is more immoral.

Miss Universe 2008

The country’s bet to the 2008 Miss Universe pageant in Vietnam, Jennifer Barrientos said that she’s sure of “bringing home the crown.” She didn’t specify though if it’s a Pepsi or a Coca-cola crown.

The Miss Universe organization scrapped the text and online voting for the Miss Photogenic contest… totally shaterring the Filipinos’ hope of winning at least a minor title in this year’s pageant.

PHENOMENAL PACQUIAO

Manny Pacquiao Wins

Manny Pacquiao snatched the WBC lightweight title from David Diaz. Diaz reportedly earned 800 thousand dollars from the fight, his biggest paycheck ever. But that’s still nothing compared what GMA 7 & Solar Sports earned.

Mexican-American David Diaz gave no excuses after losing his WBC lightweight title. If Diaz were a Pinoy politician, Pacquiao would now be facing poll fraud allegations.

Filipino boxing hero Manny Pacquiao won his fourth world title yesterday. Pacquiao’s impressive victory has silenced David Diaz, Diaz’ American supporters, the Mexican community, – and Recah Trinidad.

Postscript to a Sea Tragedy

A day after MV Princess of the Stars sank, Sulpicio Lines blamed the Philippine Coast Guard for the mishap. The next day, the management said it was an “act of God.” Then last Friday, the company was blaming the local weather bureau, PAG-ASA. Surviving relatives of the ill-fated ship’s passengers must prepare: they’re next.

Sulpicio Lines is suing PAG-ASA for gross negligence. If the court dismisses the case, Sulpicio Lines is suing typhoon “Frank.”

Sulpicio Lines has blamed nature, the Philippine Coast Guard, and the weather bureau for the maritime mishap that struck its vessel Princess of the Stars. The company’s so confused it’s blaming everybody. Now that would be much easier if Sulpicio Lines’ owners were leftists. They’ve only got GMA to blame.

Gloria and Obama

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama sent President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo a letter of apology for being unable to meet with her because of his busy schedule. Simply put, she’s not a priority.

Sen. Barack Obama apologized to President Arroyo for being unable to meet with her. The letter of apology was dated June 24, two days before their expected meeting. Simply put, pinaghandaan talaga ni Obama – ang ‘di nila pagkikita.

Gloria and McCain

President Arroyo met today with Republican presidential candidate John McCain in Washington DC. The meeting lasted for only about 15 minutes mainly because the 72-year-old McCain has so many other things to do in life with only a few years left here on Earth.

Who’s Your Daddy?!?

Last week, ABS-CBN chair Eugenio “Gabby” Lopez III said reporter Ces Drilon would still have to face administrative sanction for venturing into forbidden territory in violation of her bosses’ orders. Asked what could be the possible penalty, Lopez answered, “it might just be spanking.” “In that case, I will do it myself.” And we thought Ces has suffered enough at the hands of her captors.

ABS-CBN chair Gabby Lopez said Ces Drilon would be sanctioned for violating her bosses at the news department. Asked what could be the possible penalty, Lopez answered, “it might just be spanking; I will do it myself.” In another story dismissed by Lopez as totally unrelated, study showed more female employees of ABS-CBN are sanctioned for various offenses than males, 10 to 1.

ABS-CBN Chair Gabby Lopez said Ces Drilon would have to be sanctioned for “endangering the lives of others” in Sulu. See the double standard there? Ces Drilon “endangered” the lives of others and she’ll be punished. Willie Revillame and Wowowee “took” the lives of others and he was rewarded.

Mike Arroyo’s Birthday

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo celebrated his 62nd birthday in New York on Saturday, June 28 with only his son Mikey and wife, President Arroyo beside him. But he still had so much fun… primarily because he felt he was with a clone and a clown.

ACTING PRESIDENT

GMA in the US

President Arroyo signed a directive allowing Vice President Noli de Castro to assume the functions of the Office of the President during her 10-day trip to the United States. But the vice president explained he’d be able to act as president only for four days because the first six days, he’d spend reading and understanding the directive.

While in the United States, President Arroyo is reportedly monitoring the typhoon in the country… something that’s almost impossible considering that even PAGASA- which is right there in QC couldn’t even monitor the storm!

Press Secretary Jesus Dureza says although President Arroyo is “concerned” about the weather situation in the Philippines, she would never cut short her US trip. In fact, she’s more concerned about Noli De Castro as acting president.

Postscript to an Abduction

Police say the 5 million peso-ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf group came from the Oreña family… which is actually good news because if it came from the Lopezes, your June 2008 Meralco billing might just give you a headache.

Authorities are investigating the chartered Seair flight which reportedly delivered two mysterious duffel bags at the Jolo airport the day Ces Drilon et al. were released. Police are checking on reports that one bag contained cash and the other… make-up kit.

Ces Drilon, her cameraman and a Mindanao university professor walked for almost six hours along with their abductors the night they were released. Actually, the kidnappers had an option to let them ride a jeep – if not for the high cost of gas.

Question: How would you know if the armed men who took you hostage are members of the Abu Sayyaf Group?
Answer: They do not address their leader as “boss” or “sir.” They call him “mayor.”

In Entertainment…

YES! Magazine has released its own list of the 100 Most Beautiful People (inspired by PEOPLE magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People). Under the “porcelain” category (recognized for their great skin), there’s Lucy Torres, Bea Alonzo, Lorna Tolentino, and Gretchen Barretto among others. And then there’s Vicki Zubiri, Tingting Cojuangco, Vicky Belo and Imelda Cojuangco under “plastics” category.

Quotable Quote

“That cannot be. We own the bank!”
- Gretchen Barretto when her credit card was declined at Dusit Hotel after having dinner with friends Ruffa Gutierrez and Pops Fernandez, and sister Marjorie Barretto. The controversial actress has since denied ever making that statement.

RELEASED

The Ces Drilon Abduction

With Ces Drilon and her crew now released from captivity, the military and the police will launch an all-out offensive to pursue and neutralize their kidnappers. First target: the Indanan municipal hall in Sulu.

Sen. Loren Legarda is so happy that Ces Drilon has been freed by her abductors… but she is happier she’s getting free pre-election publicity.

Sen. Loren Legarda scored some pogi points when she helped facilitate the release of Ces Drilon et al. This just in: Vice President Noli De Castro requested to shoot two more Pag-IBIG Fund infomercials, Sen. Manny Villar has doubled the number of his own TV spots, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson has demanded additional billboards from Facial Care Center.

ABS-CBN maintained that there was no ransom paid for the release of its news crew. Coming from the same people who couldn’t find any fault in Meralco’s overcharges, that’s too hard to believe.

Ces Drilon revealed that as they left the young kidnappers’ lair, some of them said, “I love you Loren.” The teenage abductors’ gesture flattered Loren who’s become used to getting “I love yous” from dirty old men.

Ces Drilon says she’ll return to work when her mosquito bites have all cleared up. That shouldn’t be a problem if rumors were true that Loren has offered Ces a month-long supply of Lucida DS.

RANSOM

Abu Sayyaf Wants P15-M

Abductors of reporter Ces Drilon, her cameraman, and a university professor are demanding 15 million pesos for their freedom. But Drilon’s employer – the Lopezes refuse to pay the ransom. They’ll just fight the abductors through a series of full-page newspaper ads.

Indanan, Sulu Mayor Alvarez Isnaji was reportedly handpicked by the al-Qaeda-linked Abu Sayyaf to negotiate with the families of the kidnap victims. Isnaji is flattered. He wasn’t trusted that much when he was still with the Abus.

Mayor Alvarez Isnaji said he was able to talk to Ces Drilon who told him about the 15 million peso-ransom demand. Isnaji said Ces sounded very sad… mainly because she’s been in captivity for more than a week now and her stock of mascara is running out fast.

Mayor Isnaji told reporters that Ces Drilon appealed for her release saying she’s been feeling homesick already. Asked by Isnaji what she missed the most, Ces allegedly replied, “Rustan’s.”

This Just In! A new infomercial featuring Judy Ann Santos will be aired soon. The script has been leaked and we’re printing it here first! So here goes…

MERALCO REFUND
Radio 30s

MSC: UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Ang paniningil ng bills ng Meralco ay parang kidnapping lang.

SFX: OLD CLIPS OF CES DRILON DOING RADIO REPORTS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Hindi mo namamalayan, inaagaw na pala sa ‘yo

SFX: CES’ FAMILY APPEALING FOR HER RELEASE

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ang pagbabalik sa labis na singil, hindi dapat minamadali. May negosasyong kailangang gawin. May guidelines na dapat sundin.

SFX: SIREN UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ‘wag kang mainip. Darating din ang rescue.

SFX: MORTAR, MACHINE GUNS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: ‘Yun nga lang. ‘Di mo sure kung buhay ka pa pagdating ng refund.

MSC: MERALCO THEME… MAY LIWANAG ANG BUHAY

Parasites

The Department of Health says 5 of 10 schoolchildren have intestinal worms. But that’s nothing compared to persistent rumors that 245 in 250 Batasang Pambansa offices have crocodiles.

CES IN THE NEWS

ABS-CBN Crew Abducted

Unconfirmed reports coming from the Abu Sayyaf lair revealed that abducted reporter Ces Drilon is being treated fairly. The terrorists have provided Ces with a well-lit room as well as enough supply of water, food, and cosmetics.

ABS-CBN enforced a news blackout on the abduction of reporter Ces Drilon. The news blackout had to be enforced until such time the Lopezes have decided on what to prioritize: pay the ASG’s ransom demand or refund Meralco consumers’ meter deposit.

ABS-CBN has imposed a news blackout on the abduction of reporter Ces Drilon and two cameramen. But don’t you worry – anytime now, Judy Ann Santos will appear on tv to explain us the situation.

Rumors have it the military might be able to locate Ces Drilon sooner than expected. They are now following a trail – formed by Ces Drilon’s high heels.

President Arroyo has instructed the military to exhaust all means to ensure the safety of Ces Drilon – an instruction she would have not likely ordered if it were Ted or Korina who was kidnapped.

Reports say the Abu Sayyaf Group is demanding a ransom of 10 million pesos for the release of abducted ABS-CBN news crew in Sulu. The Lopezes are unfazed though: what’s 10 million compared to 21.4 billion pesos they’ve overcharged from Meralco consumers?

Briefly Noted

If it were some other people who were abducted by the Abu Sayyaf Group, ABS-CBN would be relentless in reporting every minute detail of the abduction even if it endangered the lives of the kidnap victims. But now that their own people are the ones being held, they wanted news organizations to “embargo” the story. As Alanis Morissette would have asked: Isn’t it ironic?