HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!

Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. – FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  – Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. – Senator Chiz.”
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“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!

DARK NIGHT

Dato Arroyo’s Turf
In case you didn’t know, Camarines Sur Rep. Luis Villafuerte has filed a bill aimed at creating another legislative district in Camarines Sur to accommodate the president’s son Dato Arroyo. And next year, Congress will create another country to accommodate the outgoing president.

Earth Hour
Last night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 2nd worldwide Earth Hour, a global campaign to highlight the threats of climate change. The event lasted for only an hour. If it lasted longer, the threats of climate change would be no match to the threats of robbers, holduppers and snatchers in the metro.

In observance of the second global Earth Hour, lights were switched off last night in at least 647 cities and municipalities in the country. But that figure is expected to go higher next year… once Congress creates Dato Arroyo’s new district in Bicol.

I heard that Manny Pacquiao himself observed Earth Hour. In fact, even before last night, Pacquiao has been switching here and there.

Then there’s the controversial senator Panfilo Lacson. When he was told about Earth Hour, he said, “Kailangang patayin ang mga ilaw for one hour?!?!? Papatayin lang pala eh. Sanay ako diyan!”

Reports say 10 million Filipinos switched off their lights last night. The economy is so bad, one-third of them… permanently.

Something weird happened during last night’s observance of Earth Hour in Makati City. Several minutes before the ceremonial switch off at Tower One on Ayala Avenue, it suddenly went dark. Organizers thought someone switched off the lights prematurely… until they realized – the mayor just arrived.

Talking about weird… it turned out that Sen. Mar Roxas wasn’t aware of the Earth Hour campaign. He was actually in the shower when Korina turned off the main switch in the house. And then he yelled, “ Put*ng-inaaaaaa, sinong pumatay ng ilaw?! ‘Di pa ko tapos!”

Millions of people around the world joined last night’s observance of Earth Hour. Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo was one of them. In fact, he instructed all his employees to participate… or else, he’ll get them fired.

Last night’s Earth Hour event was a huge hit in the Philippines. It was so successful, Meralco is now warning of “Earth Hours” if the Energy Regulatory Commission rejects its petition for a power rate hike.

Local organizers lauded Filipinos for observing Earth Hour last night. The “lights out” event was so successful, one of Joseph Estrada’s mistresses was able to sneak past Loi Ejercito.

Remember the good-looking “Alabang Boys” who are detained at the PDEA headquarters? When the lights were switched back on after the Earth Hour, their burly inmates had a huge smile on their faces.

Bro. Eddie’s New Party
Did you hear the news? Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new party in preparation for his 2010 presidential bid. It’s called… the Try Again Party.

Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord Movement leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new movement for a renewed bid at the presidency in 2010. Bangon Pilipinas Movement is gone but his son’s Cibac party list group is still active. I don’t know if you’re counting but Villanueva has been launching groups and movements since he went political. In fact, the number of groups and movements he has formed has eclipsed the number of votes he received in 2004.

This Just In!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson has launched a new party. It’s called “Bang! Pilipinas.”

Sen. Mar Roxas has also launched a new party. It’s called “Put*ang Ina… Babangon Pa Ba ang Pilipinas?!”

And yes, Sen. Loren Legarda has just launched a new party. It’s called “She Bangs Pilipinas.”

Sen. Manuel Villar has launched a new party too! It’s called “Bangon Pilipinas! Bangon Pilipinas!” Notice the double entry?

Guess what! Even non-presidential aspirant Miriam Defensor-Santiago is launching a new party. It’s called “Hibang Pilipinas!”

But the most surprising move yet? DOJ prosecutors have pooled their resources to launch their respective political career. They have formed a new party called, “Bangag Pilipinas!”

Not Running
Jinggoy Estrada says he will not run for vice president in 2010. Good news Pilipinas!

A Brewing Controversy
A reader of this blog sent the link to a column that could trigger a heated exchange between Filipinos and Chinese. But around 4pm, Monday, it was removed by the website. You can still read the article here though. I can’t wait for the Leftists’, especially Joma Sison’s minions’ reaction. Because I’m sure, if the writer was either Briton or American, they’ll be all over the news now condemning him, and trumpeting the Reds’ “nationalism.” Let’s see if they’ve got the balls to denounce the bigotry of their fellow Communist.

Survey Says
Do you think Lacson had a hand in Bubby Dacer’s murder?
Results:
Yes: 76%
Maybe: 17%
No: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
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“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.” ~Ross Perot

HEINOUS CRIMES

Jalosjos Is Free
Romeo Jalosjos has been released from jail. From ex-congressman to ex-convict.

Convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte representative Romeo Jalosjos has been released from prison. In another news dismissed as totally irrelevant and unrelated by Jalosjos, ABS-CBN has activated another Bantay Bata hotline.

Freed child rapist Romeo Jalosjos says he will not apologize to his victim. The former solon adds he is no longer interested to meet her again… because at 24, he finds the girl too old.

Former congressman and convicted child rapist Romeo Jalosjos spent 13 years in prison. Upon his release, he immediately checked out his neighbor’s daughter who was only a year old when he was imprisoned.

Did you hear the latest update? Released child rapist Romeo Jalosjos is seeking a retrial of his rape case. This time though, he demands a full reenactment.

In 1997, the court ordered Romeo Jalosjos to pay his victim 400,000 pesos in moral damages. Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” received 50,000. See the difference between the two victims’ morality value?

The Department of Justice ordered the release of convicted child rapist and former congressman Romeo Jalosjos. Jalosjos’ release is part of the DOJ’s campaign to decongest the New Bilibid Prisons… in preparation for Panfilo Lacson and Joseph Estrada’s looming “arrival.”

The Dacer-Corbito Case
As we all know, former police Senior Supt. Cezar Mancao II, in a sworn affidavit, said that Panfilo Lacson had a hand in the murder of PR man Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. But Lacson insisted, “I have absolutely nothing to do with the Dacer-Corbito case.” And his former boss Joseph Estrada said, “I have no motive whatsoever.” O s’ya, s’ya, sige na. Suicide na kung suicide.

In several media interviews, former president Joseph Estrada denied he was the “Bigote” being referred to in the Mancao affidavit. And Jinggoy Estrada added, “Eh, ba’t nakatingin kayo sa akin?”

Remember former police Senior Supt. Glenn Dumlao? To fight his extradition, the penniless fugitive has posted a cash bond of 100 thousand dollars! When Loi Ejercito heard this, she told Erap, “Hay naku! Kanino ka na naman nangutang?”

Did you hear about the planned “senaculo” in San Juan? Both Erap and Lacson volunteered to play Pontius Pilate. They couldn’t wait to wash their hands.

Top 5 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson These Days But Couldn’t (Or the Top 5 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Panfilo Lacson Today … Or Else, You’re Dead)

5: You must be losing sleep these days. Do you feel any pressure right now?

4: Who among the members of the local media have agreed to join your Damage Control Department? (‘Coz it’s gonna be one heck of a job)

3: Do you think Filipinos are this stupid to believe that you are innocent of the twin murders?

2: In your illustrious and notorious career both as a police officer and a politician, have you killed an adversary for political gains, or ordered a subordinate to kill a perceived enemy? If not, how could you lie?

And the No. 1 question you’ve always wanted to ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson these days but couldn’t…

1: Have you seen Karma lately? We heard she’s been looking for you.

Bonus Question:
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Ramon Tulfo has repeatedly implied in his previous columns that you were gay. Why not?

Caught on Tape:
Designer Berating Lowly Employee?
Who is Boyet Fajardo? Is he the male version of the infamous lifestyle columnist slash OFW-basher Malu Fernandez? You be the judge. Watch this.

Survey Says
Was “Nicole” raped?
Results:
No: 42%
Who cares?: 40%
Yes:6%
Maybe: 6%
Others: 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
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“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
~J. Donald Walters

Have a great weekend!

CONFESSIONS

Lacson, Murderer?
A Philippine Star report said former police senior superintendent Cesar Mancao identified Sen. Panfilo Lacson as the brains behind the murders of publicist Salvador “Bubby” Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. But of course! It couldn’t be Erap… ‘coz we’re talking here of brains!

Lacson, Murderer? II
Rumors say Sen. Lito Lapid was shocked by the news that a fellow senator masterminded the twin murders. Lapid was heard saying, “Grabe naman siya! Hindi na naawa sa kambal!”

Chinese Boat to the Spratlys
A week after President Arroyo signed the Philippine Baselines Act (which China opposed), the Chinese government sent a state-of-the-art patrol ship to the disputed Spratly islands. To counter China’s bullying act, the government is sending Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Solar Sports: Losing Heat?
Reports say Solar Sports, the network that brings us live PBA games and Manny Pacquiao fights has been losing money lately. It has reportedly implemented pay cuts among its employees and talents including sports commentators. In fact, as a cost-cutting measure, when Manny Pacquiao fights Ricky Hatton in May, Manny himself will be one of the fight analysts. (You know…)

Solar Sports is losing so much money… its PBA coverage will soon be annotated by a deaf mute (image inset a la Kapwa Ko Mahal Ko).

Barbie’s Birthday
Barbie has recently turned 50! Yup, every girl’s favorite doll is half a century old. To give you an idea how old Barbie really is, John Osmeña was only 24 years when he got his first one.

Barbie is now 50 years old! Yup, every girl’s favorite doll is half a century old. To give you an idea how old Barbie really is, Jamby Madrigal was only a year old when the first Barbie doll came out, and she found it boring.

Personal
I am so back. After spending almost a day at the Makati Medical Center (two hours of which I was sedated), my doctor had some great news for me. My colon is 100% healthy. I got so concerned I wasn’t able to sleep for two nights thinking of the worst thing that could happen after the procedure. I was so bothered and scared! As a matter of fact…

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost forgot he was agnostic.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost wrote something positive about controversial Ateneans in government.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost sought presidential wannabe Bro. Eddie Villanueva for a pray over session.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he felt he was Sen. Panfilo Lacson (these days).

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost sent his story to “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost went to Ayala Avenue and shouted, “Puuuuut*ng-ina! Ano ba ‘to!”

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost borrowed money from State Prosecutor John Resado’s lending business.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost took prescription drugs from the Alabang Boys.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost renamed his blog and called it “Happy Battle II.”

And lastly, here’s something you should know. The Professional Heckler became holy when he visited Makati Medical Center today. You know why? ‘Coz that experience scared the hell out of him! (Ay, corny!)

[Seriously… guys, thank you so much for the messages of concern. I appreciate it.]

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“Murder is always a mistake – one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.”
~Oscar Wilde