EXCLUSIVE: KRISSY RETURNS!

10 11 2012

10:30 AM Friday
November 9, 2012
Somewhere in Tomas Morato Ave., Quezon City


OH, HELLO THERE! You look at me when I say hello there! There! Na-miss n’yo ‘ko ‘no? Aminin! Well, I’m baaaack. I’m here for an interview. I don’t know nga kung bakit wala pa si Heckler. Grabe, siya na ang nakiusap, siya pa ang late. Kaloka! Anyway, while waiting for him, let’s chat muna. This December, my film fest entry will… oh, he’s here. Gosh, you’re sooo late!

Sorry po, traffic.

It’s Friday! What do you expect? Hay naku! Darla, retouch muna nga. Be thankful kay Darla at sa KrisTV staff, naghintay sila. As in, they’re here for like 35 minutes na, promise.

Guys, thank you. Again, sorry Ms Kris. Shall we start?

So minamadali mo naman ako? Iba ka!

Nooo! No… take your time. Sorry po. How’s Bimby?

Close tayo? Helloooo.

Ok.

Aha-ha-ha. Namumula ka! I was just kidding. Baka itsismis mo inaapi kita. Gosh, I’m not like that. Alam ‘yan ng staff and crew ng show ko. ‘Di ba Darla?

(‘Di narinig ni Darla; No reaction)

Hoooooy sumagot ka! Aha-ha-ha! Support me naman! Anyway, let’s start na nga. Bilisan mo dahil may shooting pa ako. Go!

How’s your sex life?

NAKAKALOKA KA! ‘Yon talaga ang unang tanong? Helllooo. FYI, baka lang ‘di mo pa alam, baka lang naman, I am single right now! Sex is the least of my concerns. Unless…

Unless what…

Ayokong sabihin. Aha-ha-ha Magagalit na naman sina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky. My gad. I’m sure ‘pag nabasa nila ‘to tatawagan nila ako, “Kris, you and your big mouth again!” So quiet na lang ako. Basta, I am single and happy. Let’s leave it at that.

Nami-miss mo ba si James… ‘pag gabi?

From sex to James?!? Gano’n talaga ang segue? Hindi kita kinakaya. Aha-ha-ha We’re friends. Not friends na super friends but we’re ok. Pwede bang change topic na? Nag-move on na ako. Move on na rin kayo.

Two months mong co-host si Chiz sa KrisTV. Hindi ka ba niya niligawan?

Ano ka ba?!? May girlfriend na ‘yong tao! Nakakahiya kay Mrs. Ongpauco at sa chain of Barrio Fiesta restaurants!

Rephrase na lang, hindi ka ba nanghihinayang na napunta siya kay Heart?

Hellooooo! Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Ito ba? Ito ba ang mukhang nanghihinayang?

Bakit parang nandidiri ka?

Noooo! You’re making me pahamak! Gosh. Nakakahiya. If you’re reading this Chiz, that’s not what I meant. And thank you again for guesting. I learned a lot.

So hindi mo lang talaga siya type?

Let’s put it this way. Alvin Patrimono, Philip Salvador, Joey Marquez, James Yap. Venti! Venti! Venti! Venti! And then biglang Chiz… hmmm, tall. Masisira ang pattern aha-ha-ha.

Are you saying na maliit ang…

I’m saying na you shut up. You’re putting words into my mouth! Grabehhh!

Ok, sorry. Punta naman tayo sa brother mo. Wala ka bang balita sa lovelife niya?

Hay naku! Pagdating sa lovelife, ayoko nang makialam. Lovelife ko nga, ‘di ko maasikaso! I did my part na. Nag-recommend ako ng stylist para tulungan siyang imake over. May wardrobe consultant pa. Kung wala pa ring epek, ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang.

Hopeless case na ba?!

You’re so bad. Wala akong sinabing ‘hopeless.’ Noy, you know I love you. But you’re 52. Keri mo na ‘yan. Hanap lang nang hanap! Hellllo! Hugh Hefner got married again at 85.

Si Hugh Hefner talaga ang peg?

Gosh, stop using that term please! I hear that everyday sa studio. Irritating! Darla, sino ba ‘yong guest natin na nagsabing peg niya raw ako? Nakakairita! After talaga ng taping, sinabihan ko ang writers. Bawal gamitin ang “peg” kapag kaharap ako kung ayaw n’yong masira ang mood ko! Ayun, natahimik ang mga beki. Natakot ‘ata sa akin. Aha-ha-ha

Nasabit ang name mo sa away ng mga party-list groups. Kasi raw, ‘yong Akbayan na kinukuwestyon ang pagiging kinatawan ng marginalized sector, tumanggap pala ng 10 million pesos mula sa ‘yo noong 2010 elections. Anong masasabi mo?

You know what, that issue was blown out of proportion. Please lang, ‘wag n’yo kong idamay sa away-pulitika n’yo. Nananahimik ako. Kung may naiinggit sa Akbayan, hindi ko na fault ‘yon. Besides, that’s just 10 million pesos! What’s 10 million?! Helllllooo!


Speaking of Akbayan, may lumabas na item sa ABS-CBNNews.Com tungkol sa pagkaka-link ng brother mo kay Akbayan senatorial candidate Risa Hontiveros. May alam ka ba ‘don?

Heto na naman tayo. Hay naku. Risa is just Noy’s friend. Nang mabasa ko nga ang item, it felt weird. Parang, helllooo, they’re parang magkapatid lang. ‘Yong mga unverified reports, ‘di dapat nilalabas ‘yan eh. Alam mo naman ang News. Ayoko na lang magsalita. We’ve had an issue before at ayoko nang maungkat pa. Basta. Sana lang, kung news… news talaga. Ayoko na lang magsalita. Dapat kasi may malinaw at credible sources hindi ‘yong basta-basta naglalabas ng balita. Ayoko na lang magsalita. Kung hindi confirmed ang report, ‘wag munang iupload, ‘di ba? Ayoko na lang talagang magsalita. Ayusin naman sana ang trabaho kasi presidente ang involved rito. Basta! Ayoko na lang magsalita.

Puwede ako naman ang magsalita?

NAKAKALOKA! And’yan ka pa pala. Gosh, sorry! Akala ko umalis ka na. Feel na feel ko pa naman ang monologue ko! Ano ka ba naman Darla, hindi mo sinabi!

Moving on… last 2010 very vocal ang pamilya ni Ms Annabelle Rama na hindi nila iboboto si Noynoy. Remember Ruffa’s walkout sa “The Buzz?”

Ruffa who?!

Gano’n?

Of course I’m kidding! Hellloooo! Hi Ruffi! Miss you na! Wala ka raw trabaho d’yan sa kabila? Aha-ha-ha Ano nga ulit ang question?

Next year kasi tatakbo for a Congressional seat si Ms Annabelle Rama. Hypothetical lang, iboboto mo ba siya kung nakatira ka sa distrito niya?

I’m glad I’m not. Aha-ha-ha

So that’s a ‘no?’

Darla, what time ulit ang call time ko? We’re running late right? Ay, sorry Heckler, may tanong ka pa?

Mainit na isyu ngayon ang political dynasty. Ipinagbabawal daw ito ng Constitution pero bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagtakbo ng magkakapamilya. What’s your take on political dynasties?

Alam mo, I will be biased kasi our family has been ruling Tarlac for like seven or eight decades or maybe, longer. Pero one thing I can assure you, my mom was not corrupt, my brother is not corrupt, and my cousin Bam Aquino is not corrupt.

How about your uncle Peping Cojuangco?

Darla, are we late na for the shoot? Do we need to leave na?

Sandali lang po, two questions na lang. Very active ka sa Twitter and I’m sure nababasa mo rin ang controversial tweets ni Ms Sharon Cuneta.

I don’t follow her.

Oh, you don’t?

Ayokong ma-stress aha-ha-ha But I follow KC.


As a social media personality, ano ang maipapayo mo kay Ms Shawie na laging napapaaway on Twitter?

Ignore and move on.

Move on?

Yes! Kasi naman 2012 na! Magwa-one year na ang break up ng anak niya at ni PJ. Nag-move on na ang lahat ng Pilipino, siya na lang ang hindi pa. Wait, pwede bang off the record ‘to? Ayokong magalit si Sharon eh. Ang haba pa naman niyang mag-tweet. Nobela talaga ang peg. Eeew why did I use that term. Kainis! Aha-ha-ha

Are you endorsing anyone this coming elections?

I’m not sure. Baka! BAKA lang.

Mamimigay ka ulit ng ₱10 million?

Nakuuu! Hindi na ‘noh! Ayaw ng Bayan Muna at Anakbayan ng ganyan. Aha-ha-ha

If elections were held today, sinu-sino ang iboboto mo for senator. Top 3 lang muna.

If elections were held today, I’m sure ‘di pa ready ang Comelec. Kaloka ka! Aha-ha-ha

November 11 is the birthday of Vice President Binay. Alam kong close ang Aquino family sa pamilya niya. Any message for him?

Hi Tito Jojo! Grabe! I still remember those days na pumupunta ka sa bahay to meet with my mom and dad. I was was just 5 or 6 then at naloloka ka kapag sinasabihan kita ng, “Negro! Negro!’ Aha-ha-ha Who would have thought na mararating mo ang kinatatayuan mo ngayon? We’re happy and proud of you. Ignore mo na lang si Ate Koring. Isa pa ‘yon, ‘di pa nakaka-move on. Anyway, happy happy birthday and may the good Lord continue to shower you with blessings. Happy birthday!

Kumusta na nga pala kayo ni Mayor Junjun Binay?

We’re okay! I think he’s also very busy, and last I heard may girlfriend na raw yata. I’m not sure.

Hindi ka nagseselos?

Hellllooooo! LOOK AT ME again. Ito ba ang nagseselos?! Ito ba?!? ‘Tsaka why would I?!

Hindi mo siya type ‘no?

Ano ka ba?!! Walang gano’ng isyu between us. Imposibleng maging kami! Unless…

Unless VENTI s’ya?

Nakakaloka ka! Darla tara na! Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————-
“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.”
~Delta Burke

Quote of the Day
“Sa mga nanunulsol, tigilan n’yo na kung may malasakit talaga kayo sa aming pamilya. Hindi nakakatulong ang mga nanggagatong.”
-Cong. JV Ejercito on his reported rift with half-brother Sen. Jinggoy Estrada (Via Radio dzRH)

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





SPOOKY

26 10 2012

ALL SAINTS’ DAY is coming up. For three years now, a friend has been winning the Scariest Costume Award. In previous Halloween parties, he came as an axe murderer, Frankenstein, and Nosferatu. This year, he plans to come as the Cybercrime Law.


The local government of Quezon City is holding its annual Halloween party. Quezon City Councilor Roderick Paulate will come as a ghost employee.

In Sarangani, vice gubernatorial bet Jinkee Pacquiao is also keen on winning an award. She plans to come wearing her original face.

Congressional candidate Aga Muhlach faces a tough challenge this Halloween. Liberal Party stalwarts want him to dress up as a Bicolano.

Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno is planning a costume party for the magistrates and Supreme Court employees next week. When senior justices heard this, they agreed to come as ‘invisible men.’

Halloween is supposed to be the scariest day of the year… unless you’re Manny Pacquiao, then it’s December 8.

Last year, a bunch of kids in expensive costumes accessorized with bling-blings and jewelry went trick-or-treating. Asked if they were dressed up as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s kids, they replied, “Nope. We’re marginalized party-list representatives.”

This Halloween, my friends and I plan to go trick-or-treating too. Our first stop: the Aquino sisters’ homes. But we want cash not candies so we’ll probably be dressed up as Akbayan leaders.

Noynoy and Risa
An ABS-CBNNews.com report says President Aquino is being linked to Akbayan Representative Risa Hontiveros. This early, Anakbayan members are thinking of ways to disrupt the wedding.

Apparently, there have been rumors romantically linking President Aquino to Akbayan senatorial candidate Risa Hontiveros. Tale as old as time…

Under Fire
In Manila, a burly and angry customer identified as John Paul Encinas attacked a restaurant cashier last Monday. When the CCTV footage of the incident was shown on TV, Philip Morris Philippines immediately issued a statement denying that Encinas was their employee.

Overseas
Rumors say Fidel Castro is losing his fight against cancer. To disprove the rumor, Castro made a public appearance, then on live TV, ordered the immediate arrest, detention, torture and execution of cancer.

For the first time in years, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro made a public appearance in Havana disproving and laughing off rumors he has died or is dying of cancer. I’m sorry Mr. Castro but soon, you’ll die. You cannot live forever. You’re not Juan Ponce Enrile.

Virgin, Anyone?
Catarina Migliorini, a Brazilian student auctioned off her virginity for $780,000. The winning bidder was a Japanese man – which means, Catarina would remain a virgin even after sex.
—————————————
“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.”
~Mark Twain

Quote of the Day
“I don’t think our people will be mad at me. I think they will be mad at those pretending to be ill.”
~President Aquino on his wheelchair joke

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PUNCHING BAG

16 10 2012

FIRST, SOME GOOD NEWS. The government has signed a historic peace pact with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. The Arroyos could only wish they were the MILF.


The peace accord was the good news. And in better news, Ralph Recto has resigned irrevocably as chairman of the Senate ways and means committee.

In a privilege speech last week, Senator Ralph Recto described his version of the sin tax bill as “reasonable, realistic and responsible.” Or as tobacco companies would call it, “Awesome!”

After getting flak for his “watered down” version of the sin tax bill, Sen. Ralph Recto said he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Recto was supposed to describe himself as the “whipping boy” but he feared Tito Sotto would accuse him of plagiarism.

In another privilege speech Monday, Ralph Recto claimed he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Tito Sotto had also complained of being the favorite “whipping boy.” On behalf of millions of Filipinos who are mired in poverty and who have not eaten a decent meal in months, we would like to apologize to Senators Sotto and Recto. Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo. Aping-api na pala kayo. Patawad po.

Last week, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said that he’s so tired and stressed he might just resign as majority floor leader. And Nike was like, “Just do it!”

More Good News
The Commission on Elections has disqualified 22 more party-list organizations including two groups with incumbent representatives in the Lower House simply because they do NOT represent marginalized sectors. The disqualification was slammed by the groups’ leaders who vowed to rally their constituents – as soon as they find one.

Ex-Allies Fight
Did you hear the news? Akbayan and Anakbayan supporters had a scuffle earlier today. At one point, the shouting match turned violent… prompting the Malaysian Prime Minister to intervene.

Senatorial Bets
The Comelec has approved the candidacy of at least 27 out of 84 senatorial hopefuls. The rest may resume their jobs in the circus.

VP to Vatican
President Aquino picked Vice President Binay to represent him in Vatican City for the canonization of Blessed Pedro Calungsod. Binay accepted the assignment to the Holy See to, once and for all disprove rumors he’s a ‘maligno.’

Handwashing Day
The Global Handwashing Day was observed Monday, October 15… although senators who passed the Cybercrime Law have been doing that for the past three weeks.

Lucy Liu
On ‘The Late Night Show With David Letterman,’ Hollywood actress Lucy Liu said she preferred running indoors than outdoors because, “If I get really dark, I’ll start to look a little Filipino.” Apparently, Liu doesn’t want to look like Filipino… to which many Filipinos reacted, “Kami rin.”

Hot Planet
Astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. But that’s really nothing compared to Korea, which has thousands.
———————————————–
“Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide.”
~Kurt Vonnegut

Quote of the Day
“But this framework agreement, no matter how we object to it, in my opinion is a blessing in disguise to us. This would lead to the demise of the MILF – 17,000 of their armed forces have shifted loyalty to us and many more are coming back to us. None of them will be left. It is like a sinking ship.”
~Moro National Liberation Front Chairman Nur Misuari on the MILF-GRP peace accord

Have a peaceful week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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