IKAW NA NGA!

10 04 2011

“NITONG MGA NAKARAANG ARAW, marami pong tumitira sa akin lalo na sa Twitter. Nanahimik lang ako. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Sina Aiza Seguerra, Lea Salonga, Jim Paredes, Agot Isidro, Bianca Gonzales, K Brosas, Tuesday Vargas, Mylene Dizon, Thia Megia, Maria Aragon at ang buong Talent Center ng ABS-CBN… lahat sila nakikisawsaw po sa isyu! Bakit? Ano ba ang nagawa n’yo para sa sambayanang Pilipino? Ano ba ang naitulong n’yo sa ating mga kababayan?

Subukan n’yong lumabas sa gate at mamigay ng pera sa mahihirap, sa special children, sa matatanda, at sa mga nangangailangan! ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong gawin, hindi ‘yong tira kayo nang tira, at Twitter kayo nang Twitter, mga walang career!

Ikaw Jim Paredes, matagal mo na akong tinitira. Sa Friendster pa lang tinitira mo na ako. Get elected first as barangay captain, then let’s talk. Ikaw naman Lea Salonga, Ingles ka nang Ingles! Akala mo ba ‘di ko naiintindihan ang mga tweets mo!? Nagkakamali ka! Dalawa ang dictionary ko sa bahay! At ikaw Tuesday Vargas! Kapatid mo ‘ko, huwag mo akong tirahin. For your information, sa aking show galing ang ipinapasuweldo sa ‘yo! And you, Aiza Seguerra! Hindi ka magkakaanak, tandaan mo ‘yan! Pagdating ng panahon, mauunawaan mo ako! And finally, ikaw Maria Aragon, ‘di ba exploitation ang ginagawa sa ‘yo? Kumakanta kang kasama si Lady Gaga na nakapanty at nakabra lang! Sino ngayon ang nang-aabuso?

‘Yang DSWD at Commission on Human Rights, hinusgahan agad nila ako! Napakaraming dapat asikasuhin pero ako ang tanging nakita nila. Ikaw Secretary Soliman, maraming street children sa streets! Unahin mo sila! At ‘yang highlights mo, ‘di na uso ‘yan!

Sa Human Rights commissioner, maraming OFWs po ang nakakulong! Asikasuhin n’yo muna ang mga kababayan nating tulad ni Ronald Singson bago n’yo ‘ko tirahin!

Pinag-iinitan n’yo ba ako dahil si Vetellano Acosta ang sinuportahan ko noong eleksyon? I will stick with him dahil amusing siya!

Kayong lahat na tumira sa akin, hahanapin ko ang mga tweets n’yo! Kahit wala akong Twitter, hahanapin ko pa rin! Idi-demanda ko kayo! Humanda kayo! Idi-demanda ko kayo!

Aaminin ko, ilang advertisers na rin ang nag-pull out ng kanilang commercials. Masakit po ang ginawa nila. ‘Yang Mang Inasal na ‘yan, napakasama ng asal! Nang-iiwan sa ere. ‘Yong Procter & Gamble, sobrang personal ng sulat n’yo. Pati hair and make up ko, pinapakialaman n’yo. Wala naman akong hinangad kundi ang magpasaya ah. Hindi po ako nang-abuso o nang-molestya. Nasa edad na ‘yong mga seksing dancers! Pumayag sila! At ‘yong mahigit pitumpung namatay sa Ultra, hindi ko kasalanan ‘yon! Kasalanan ng ABS-CBN ‘yon! Gusto nila ng ratings, ayun, tumaas ang ratings ng newscast nila.

Sa ABS-CBN, alam n’yong totoo ang sinasabi ko! Hindi ako natatakot sa inyong demanda. Marami akong lalabas na witness. Kay Mr. M, Johnny Manahan, salamat sa ‘di mo pagtalikod sa akin. Lipat ka na kasi rito! Tara na!

Kay MVP, you’re the best! Maraming salamat sa iyong suporta. Akala ko noong una, iiwan mo rin ako dahil sa pressure ng Inquirer, ng mga columnists, civil society, at ng mayayamang tao sa Twitter at Facebook. Pero mali ang aking akala. Surprisingly, suportado mo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. Apir!

Magpapahinga po muna ako sa susunod na dalawang linggo. Dadalhin ko muna ang yate ko sa Boracay. Pag-iisipan ko pa kung babalik ako sa industriyang ito.

Ipagdasal po ninyo na sana ay makabalik ako at ang ating programa dahil kung hindi… sinong mamimigay sa inyo ng pera? Sinong mamumudmod sa inyo ng papremyo? Sinong tutulong sa mahihirap? Sinong magpapasaya sa mga nalulungkot? Sinong magpapakain sa mga nagugutom? Sinong magtatanggol sa mga walang laban? Sino ang pag-asa ng sambayanan?

Ako lang.

Maraming salamat po sa inyong suporta!”


ACCORDING TO PAGASA, summer will officially start this week. No wonder, Mikey Arroyo and Willie Revillame have been feeling the heat.

Willing Willie
Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech Friday night. He blasted his critics and blamed the previous network for his woes and other unfavorable developments. And President Aquino was like, “Sus! Gaya-gaya ka naman eh.”

While some of his sick and poor fanatics shed tears, Willie Revillame announced on television that he’d go on a two-week break. Rosa Rosal can’t wait to get her job back.


TV host Willie Revillame is taking a two-week break from television. TV5 can now remove the “Parental Guidance” sign on the TV screen.

Willie Revillame said if advertisers would continue to abandon his show, he’d seek the help of network president Ray Espinosa and network boss Manny V. Pangilinan, “even if we lose profit.” To which MVP said, “Bawiin mo ‘yan!”

Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech last Friday evening. The opposition described the speech as lacking in substance as it failed to tackle land reform, economic goals, and foreign policy.


Embattled Ombudsmen
The good news: In the wake of complaints and criticisms hurled against him, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni has reportedly quit his post. The bad news: He told his supporters that he’s just taking a two-week break “upang pag-isipan kung babalik pa ako sa industriyang ito.”

Two weeks ago, President Aquino fired Deputy Ombudsman Emilio Gonzalez III. Last week, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni resigned. These developments have prompted Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez to stay saying, “The captain must not abandon a sinking ship.”

Aquino’s Lovelife
According to a Newsbreak report, President Aquino and stockbroker Len Lopez have stopped dating. Sought for comment, Kris Aquino said, “No reaction.” Palace spokespersons said, “No comment.” Shalani Soledad said, “No surprise!”


MY UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE IN SINGAPORE has identified Sabrina Chua of Channel News Asia as the new apple of the eye of President Noynoy Aquino. Is this true Mr. President? Good luck then.


Hungry Filipinos
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 51 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1. Political harassment: Kapag ‘di ka nakabayad ng tamang buwis sa pamahalaan
Halimbawa: “Uy Congressman! Totoo bang kinasuhan ka ng tax evasion?”
“Nooo! Hindi tax evasion ‘yon! Political harassment ‘yon!”

2. “I invoke my right against self incrimination.”
: Guilty as hell. Nagsisinungaling. Nagpapalusot.
Halimbawa: “General, ikaw ba ang last na gumamit ng CR na hindi nag-flush?” “Your honor, I would like to invoke my right against self incrimination.”

3. Reseta: Nauusong instrumento upang makontrol ang pagbebenta at pamamahagi ng kahit ano na lang. Wala lang. Trip lang.
Halimbawa: “Ale, pabili nga ng load.” “Load? Kuha ka muna ng reseta.”
—————————————
“Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.”
~Colin Powell

You Have Spoken
Sa pagsasampa ng BIR ng kasong tax evasion sa mag-asawang Mikey at Angela Arroyo, your take:
- Dapat lang! 66.79%
– Gumaganti lang! 23.1%
– Aalamin ko muna ang detalye. 10.11%

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BASTED

27 11 2010

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a!”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
– Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
– Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
– Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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LIGHT BITES SATURDAY

23 10 2010

INTERCEPTED TWEETS from very private accounts of political and entertainment figures in the Philippines (October 18-23, 2010)

noynoy_4real
can’t wait for tuesday’s state visit to vietnam. hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of hanoi
5 minutes ago via Slate iPad

jojo_ocho_ahhh
@vina @concertqueen sorry ladies, can’t go out with you no more. mainit ang media. next time na lang. palamigin muna natin.
about 2 hours ago from web

mrpalengke
RT @noynoy_4real hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of Hanoi — PSST! sama ulit ako. gusto ko rin ng hotdogs!
35 seconds ago via Tweet Deck

THEother_ricopuno
thank god for the long weekend. will go target shooting. i’m no longer in the news. god is really good.
45 seconds ago via Tumblr

manolingmorato
@jojo_ocho_ahhh i love your twitter handle. ocho ba talaga? :-)
about 4 hours ago via UberTwitter

direkcarlo_J
punyeta! paano ako magkakautang eh ‘di pa nga kumpleto ang bayad ng pcso sa ginawa kong series na “pangarap kong jackpot?”
2 minutes ago from web

DrPrisconilo
nakaka-miss din pala ang radio at TV interviews
43 minutes ago from Tumblr

liz_uy
nope. not going to vietnam with him. the baseless rumors are killing me. kung alam n’yo lang ang totoo. eew.
45 minutes ago from API

PAGASA
@DrPrisconilo hahahahaha!
45 minutes ago from web

noynoy_4real
@liz_uy OUCH! bahala ka.
1 hour ago via Slate iPad

jules_L
yeah men! ‘musta ka na men! masdan mo ang aking mata, ‘di mo ba nakikita, ako ngayo’y lumilipad at nasa langit na! gusto mo bang… sumama? men.
about 10 minutes ago from HootSuite

THEother_ricopuno
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” ~ Bernard Meltzer
30 minutes ago from Tweet Deck

supreme_court
we, in the high tribunal, believe that a true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
10 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

UP_Law
@supreme_court pati ba naman simpleng quotation sa twitter, plagiarized pa?
5 minutes ago

direkcarlo_J
@donna villa GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!
less than 35 seconds ago from web

supreme_court
@UP_Law nalimutan lang ‘yong attribution. OA kayo. we will cite you in contempt!
20 seconds ago

ricky_carandang
excited to check out this new resto at boni high street with @cesdrilon. sana walang media.
3 minutes ago via Slate iPad

ping!
still weighing my options. hindi ko talaga keri ang maposasan sa harap ng media.
about 2 hours ago from web

shalanisoledad
pasensya na po. next time na lang po.
2 seconds ago

green_go
@ping what options mista? u only have one at the moment: surrender! take note: DOJ sec is a woman. masamang magalit.
about 90 minutes ago from Echofon

iamkrisaquino
just finished shooting a kissing scene w/ diet. gosh, na-miss ko ‘to. it’s been, what? 10 months? hayyy.
42 minutes ago from UberTwitter

mayorLIM
pulis lang! pulis lang! ang magpapakamatay! (sinuntok ang keyboard) remember that! pulis lang!
about 1 hour ago from twitterfeed

iskomoreno
SA QUIAPO, MAY MURA MAYOR. RT @mayorLIM isko, may alam ka bang bilihan ng murang keyboard?
37 minutes ago via web

gma_in_congress
aba! bait-baitan yata si dinky kapag kaharap ako sha budget hearing. natakot shiguro. Hahaha 1 down, deles to go. weather-weather lang ‘yan.
2 days ago from web

RatedK
suuuuuper excited. hindi ko na mahintay ang january. handa na ba kayo… sa muling pamamayagpag ko?
about 5 hours ago via twitterfeed

JustJamby
oh no! i just lost tita chito’s forbes park house to my two cousins! dapat kasi nag-file ako ng appeal.
about 1 hour ago from Tweet Deck

mrpalengke
@RatedK i’m happy for you hon. araw-araw na ba uli kitang mapapanood?
2 hours ago via twitterfeed

willing_willie
this is it. salamat kay lord. tuloy na tuloy na po tayo mga kapatid. 5o’clock after e-live and startalk pero sa TV5. salamat kay MVP! @annafeliciano_choreographer ‘yong bikini ba ng mga dancers kumpleto na?
1 day ago

charo_mmk
@coryvidanes @RealGabby_Lopez huwaaat? walang TRO? pa’no na ‘yan?
20 hours ago

RealGabby_Lopez
@charo_mmk pa-draft ka ng statement kay bong osorio at lumabas ka sa ‘tv patrol’ mamaya. alam mo na ang treatment. dapat mukhang kawawa at mukhang aggrieved party tayo. will be monitoring.
21 hours ago

senator_litolapid
@senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
3 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

senator_litolapid
oo nga. mabilis nga ang message. salamat sa reply! RT @senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
1 minute ago via Tweet Deck

hayden_scent
may parating na typhoon katring. hmmm, i-video ko kaya?
20 hours ago

dyan_castillejo
@pacman FYI. i instructed my cameraman to record your sparring sessions. name is joseph. sunod na lang ako. paki-accommodate naman. thx. XOXO!
20 minutes ago via dlvr.it

pacman
@dyan_castillejo suri. no more cameras allow sa wild card gym. ‘tsaka pansin ni bob arum, subra na raw ang coverage mo, abala na sa training ko. ano nga pala ibig sabihin ng XOXO? soso?
13 minutes ago via ÜberTwitter
——————–
“Wala. Bakit? Ibibili mo ako?”
~TV host/actor German Moreno’s reply when actress Maxene Magalona asked, “Kuya Germs, meron kang Twitter?”

Survey Says
Sa iginawad na amnesty ni Pangulong Aquino sa mga coup plotters (Trillanes et al.):
– Dapat lang. Palayain sila! 36.81%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Parusahan ayon sa batas. 60.12%
– ‘Di ko alam ang issue. 3.07%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your long weekend!

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