JUST GOT LUCKY

5 02 2014

SUSPECTED SMUGGLER Davidson Bangayan a.k.a. David Tan appeared before the Senate Monday. He was grilled by Senator Enrile on the issue of smuggling. As expected, he was no match for the veteran politician. Moral of the story: Don’t argue with someone who’s more knowledgable about the subject.

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During Monday’s Senate hearing, tough-talking Mayor Rodrigo Duterte said he would “gladly kill” alleged rice smuggler David Bangayan alias David Tan if the latter would be caught smuggling rice in Davao. Sen. Cynthia Villar defended Duterte and said, “I always take Mayor Duterte’s word figuratively. Just like when he gets angry with criminals, he tells them he will kill them. But he never killed them.” And Duterte was like, “Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan!”

Honest
A baggage porter returned some 210,000 pesos left by an OFW in a baggage cart at NAIA Terminal 1. Despite his financial needs, baggage porter Jony Villon said he never thought of stealing someone else’s money. To which, lawmakers said, “Thanks for the advice!”

Innocent?
In its notices of disallowance, the Commission on Audit asked Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, Gregorio Honasan, and Bong Revilla to return millions of pesos from their pork barrel funds. It’s not theirs! Enrile and Jinggoy refused saying they’re not baggage porters.

Cheers!
According to a recent study conducted by research firm Euromonitor, Filipinos are the third heaviest drinkers in the world. The study found that Filipinos consume an average of 5.4 shots of any spirit per week including whiskey, vodka, tequila, brandy, rum, gin, and lambanog. The survey was conducted at the Office of the Executive Secretary.

TJLucky
Makati Rep. Abigail Binay won a condo unit in a Christmas raffle sponsored by the Lopezes’ Powerplant Mall and Rockwell Land. This has prompted the camp of Mar Roxas to conduct a loyalty check.

The winner of a posh condo unit in Powerplant Mall’s Christmas raffle was Makati Rep. Abigail Binay. According to Powerplant Mall, for every P2,500 receipt, a shopper was entitled to one raffle ticket. It was an easy victory for Binay. She was virtually unopposed.

Untitled
Cong. Abigail Binay told GMA News, “Noong una, akala ko prank call. Akala ko hindi totoo. Out of all the people na sumali sa raffle, ako pa! Nakakagulat siya.” OO nga.

Sen. Nancy Binay defended her younger sister Abby from critics saying she won fair and square. Nancy then congratulated Abby for being “really lucky that you won.” Abby responded, “You too.”

FBHappy Birthday!
On Feb. 4, Facebook turned 10 years old. Or as some Catholic priests would say, “Too old!”

From liking pictures and commenting on posts to changing profile photos, Facebook keeps monitoring and telling everyone your every move. I therefore conclude that Facebook is female.

Have you tried viewing that personal movie created by Facebook for its users in celebration of its 10th birthday? When you click facebook.com/lookback, it will show some of your life’s ‘highlights.’ This morning, Senator Enrile got really sentimental when Facebook showed some of his photos taken during the Renaissance.

Coldest
In 2016, a NASA experiment will create the coldest place in the known universe. Scientists will name it ‘Noynoy’s heart.’
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“The best luck always happens to people who don’t need it.”
~ Robert Penn Warren, All the King’s Men

Sound Bites
“If this guy would go to Davao and start to unload, pag nakita ko siya in the commission of a crime, I will gladly kill him. Siyempre hihintayin ko siyang lumabas. Pag lumaban ito and he puts up a good fight, I will not hesitate. I will do it for my country.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on alleged rice smuggler David Tan/Davidson Bangayan

“Ang kinakagulat ko kasi pati ba naman ang pagkakapanalo sa raffle, ginagawan ng issue? Siguro lesson ito sa family namin na kahit ano talaga, magagawan ng issue kung gusto nila gawing issue.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Powerplant Mall, House of Representatives, Twitter]





DEAR CHAROS (MAMATAY MAN AKO!)

28 07 2013

PAALALA: Maaari kayong manalo ng 1,000 peso-load kung mahuhulaan n’yo ang pamagat ng episode natin ngayong gabi. Kailangang humula ka na bago matapos ang iyong pagbabasa. Dalawang mapapalad na readers ang magwawagi. [Per UTI-NCR Permit No. 10 Billion Peso-Pork Barrel. Series of 10 Years (And Counting)]

Maalaala Mo Nga Kaya
Episode No. 1148
July 2013

[Before you read the post, click video for background music.]

CHAROS SANTOZ:
Sa buhay ng isang tao, dumarating ang maraming suliranin. Ito ang sumusubok sa kanilang katatagan. Susuko ba siya o lalaban?

Ngayong gabi, ibabahagi ko ang kwento ng ating letter-sender – isang napakayamang businesswoman na nagpapatago sa pangalang Jonalyn.

Ito ang salaysay ng pait na kanyang nararanasan sa gitna ng pinagdadaanang karma problema. Tunghayan natin ang kanyang kwento.

Somewhere in an exclusive subdivision in Makati City
Sa bathroom

Ma’am Jona! Ma’am Jona! Nasa front page po kayo ng diyaryo!

Hayaan mo na ‘day! Marami lang talagang nagmamahal sa akin kaya binabati nila ako.

Pero ma’am, hidline KA! Nagbulsa daw po kayo ng halos 10 billions pork barrels! Kasabwat daw po n’yo ang mga pulitiko at ang mga ghosts NGOs.

Ay, putang-i*a! Akin na ‘yang diyaryo Inday, biliiiiiisssss!

1WMDEAR CHAROS,
Naliligo ako noon sa bathtub na punung-puno ng pera nang mabasa ko ang balita. Isinasangkot daw ako sa pork barrel scam na wala naman akong kaalam-alam.

Masakit Charos. Ilang taon kong inalagaan ang aking pangalan ‘tapos ngayon ay sisirain lamang ng mga dati kong empleyado. Mga walang utang na loob! Mga patay-gutom! Mga mababaho! Mga libagin! Mga ginagalis! Mga hinahadhad! Mga binubuni! Mga kinukurikung! Hindi ko ito palalampasin!

Inday, tapos na akong maligo! Palitan mo na itong pera sa bathtub. Madumi na! Itapon mo na!

- Yes ma’am!

Hindi ako nakapagpigil sa nabasa ko sa diyaryo Charos. Sinugod ko ang dati kong personal assistant na si Ben Lloyd na siyang pinagmulan ng walang basehang tsismis! Kinumpronta ko siya at ganito ang sumunod na pangyayari.

Hayup ka! Matapos kitang bihisan, arugain, palamunin, at pasuwelduhin, ito pa ang igaganti mo sa akin?!!?

Whatevs! True naman ang aking inispluk sa NBI ‘no?! Kaya tigilan mo na ang raket mo ‘teh!

Why are you doing this to me? Itinuring kitang parang tunay na anak!

Pinasuweldo mo lang… anak agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pamangkin muna? Ah basta! Ni-reveal ko na ang secrets mo mudra! Alam na ito ng buong mundo!

Walanghiya ka talaga! Bakla ka!

Argumentum ad hominem!

Ano ‘yon? Adik ka! Adik ka!

Ten billion in ten years! Ghost NGOs! My gad!

Promiscuous homo! Mahilig sa half-naked na selfie! Eeeew!

Pork barrel queen! Mas eeew!

I’ll see you in court!

I’ll see you in hell!

CHAROS, pakiramdam ko ay pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa nang mga oras na ‘yon. Pinagkatiwalaan ko siya nang lubos pero gano’n pa ang naging sukli niya sa akin: ang akusahan ako ng isang gawaing ni sa aking panaginip ay hindi ko naisip gawin.

Charos, wala akong alam sa pork barrel scam na ’yan! Wala! Mamatay man ako!

[Biglang nahimatay ang letter sender, nawalan ng malay for 10 minutes. ‘Buti na lang, saktong dumating ang kanyang anak na babae mula New York.]

1JD

Mom, you should rest ok. Let me take care of the house. Inday, pakikuha ang mga bote ng Evian at Aquafina sa stockroom. You handwash the curtains and the carpets kasi two days na raw na ‘di napapalitan. Don’t use tap water ok?! It’s unsanitary!

Hija, nagpa-deliver na ako ng Summit at Absolute, ‘yon na lang ang ipagamit mo sa paglalaba ni Inday.

Na-ah! I don’t trust local brands mom. By the way, napalitan na ba ni Inday ang pera sa bathtub? Gusto kong magbahbahd. Wait, did I get my Tegalog right? I’m tired mom. Been shopping in Manhattan for five months now. I need to relax! I miss our bathtub!

Go ahead hija! Kararating lang ng PDAF ni Senator XYZ. Na-encash na. ‘Yon ang nasa bathtub ngayon. You deserve that. Go! I’ll sleep muna.

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AKALA KO Charos ay mawawalang lahat ang aking problema paggising ko. Hindi pala! Bumungad naman sa akin ang mga larawan sa isang news site. Kasama ko raw ang dalawang senador at iba pang personalidad na iniuugnay rin sa pork barrel scam.

Ang tanong ko Charos… porke ba kasama ko sa party… kaibigan ko na? Porke ba naka-smile kaming lahat sa picture, kasabwat na? Porke ba nakahawak pa sa aking balikat, close na? Whatever happened to logic? Nasaan na ang pagiging patas ng media ngayon?

Grabeng manghusga ang publiko at ang mga journalists Charos. That’s just unfair. Pati ang pakikipagkaibigan ko sa mga high-profile people, apektado na. Nakakalungktot.

Kaninang umaga, ganito ang naging exchange namin sa text ni Senator X.

- Hi Senator. I have na the LVs and the Chanels for your wife. When could we possibly meet para mabigay ko sa ‘yo?

Hu u ?

Ang sakit Charos! Then, that same day ganito naman ang naging palitan namin ng message ni Congressman Y.

- Hi Cong! Jona here. Dinner tomorrow? Same place? :)

Wrong send ka. Wala akong kilalang Jona! Please erase my number!

HARSH! Dahil sa pork barrel scam na ‘yan, pati malalapit kong kaibigan, umiiwas na yata. Kanina lang, tinawagan ko si Senator Z at ito ang nangyari…

[Phone ringing]
- Senator Z speaking, how may I help you?

Hi Sen! Jona here, nakuha ko na ang cheque!

- Hello? Hello! Ikot ka nang konti, medyo malabo ang dating!

Senator… si Jona ‘to. Ayan, malinaw na ba? Sabi ko, natanggap ko na ang cheke!

- Hello! Hello?!! ‘Tang-i*a! Kung tatawag ka at ayaw mong magsalita, huwag ka nang tumawag! Abala ka! Punyeta!

CHAROS, I’ve never been treated this way in my entire life. At ‘yan ay dahil sa isang kasalanang ibinibintang sa akin. Namumuhay ako nang maayos, payapa at naaayon sa batas. Ako ang biktima rito! Wala akong kasalanan! Wala akong ninakaw na pork barrel! Ako ang biktima rito! Mamatay man ako!

[Muling nahimatay ang letter sender. Patapos na ang programa, wala pa rin siyang malay. Balikan natin ang ating host, si Ms Charos Santoz.]


Hindi masamang maghangad ng kaginhawaan sa buhay,
Subalit dapat nating tandaan na anumang bagay na nais nating makamit ay kailangang mapasaatin sa mabuting paraan.

Natunghayan natin ang kwento ni Jonalyn…
Tila nasa kanya na ang lahat: salapi, impluwensya, kapangyarihan, anak na ibinubuyangyang sa publiko ang luho sa katawan, at kasambahay na naglalaba gamit ang Evian.

Ngunit masaya ba siya?
Nakakatulog ba siya nang mahimbing sa gabi?
May mukha ba siyang maihaharap sa Panginoon pagdating niya sa langit?
In the first place, sa langit ba siya pupunta?
Don’t be so sure.

Hindi ko sinasabing guilty ang ating letter-sender sa mga akusasyon.
Nagtatanong lang po ako.
Hindi ako nanghuhusga! Promise.
Mamatay man ako.

[Biglang hinimatay si Ms. Charos Santoz. Hindi na pinabalik ng doktor. Hanggang sa muli... Kapamilya. THE END.]
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“BATHTUB”

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[Unfortunately, wala pong nakahula sa tamang episode title. Ilan sa mga ipinadalang sagot ay ang sumusunod: “Pork Barrel,” “Evian,” “Scam,” at “Mamatay Man Ako.” Salamat po!]
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“Pigs are dirty, but I will tell you something dirtier: Liars! Untruth always smells like rotten garbage!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“When I started boxing, of course I was planning, you know and thinking about getting to become a champion. So when I enter politics it’s the same thing. But, you know, it’s far away. It’s God’s will.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao on running for president

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Graphics: ToonClips.Com, EuropeVsNorthAmerica.Com, Philippine Daily Inquirer. Thank you!]








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