T@NG-I*@, HAPPY!

21 04 2014

1gg
JESSICA LUCILA ‘GIGI’ REYES is back in the country. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored paramour who was recently indicted for plunder in connection with the pork barrel scam arrived before dawn Saturday. In a brief statement released this morning, Senator Enrile said, “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.”

Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

Only GMA News was at the NAIA when Gigi Reyes arrived. The news crew was asking too many questions. But Reyes kept her cool and answered the questions juan at a time.

1GR
On Saturday morning, Gigi Reyes returned, unannounced. No escorts, no drama, no fanfare, and surprisingly, no wheelchair.

A month after the PDAF scandal broke out, Gigi Reyes left the country. That was almost eight months ago. No one knows where she’s been. She could have been to the US or Canada. Or maybe in the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the British Virgin Islands or Zurich. We don’t know.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes arrived on Black Saturday. Senator Enrile was overheard saying, “She puts the ‘gloria’ in Sabado de Gloria.”

e
Gigi Reyes returned to Manila before dawn Saturday. Her brother Patrick says Senator Enrile was not told of her arrival. To which, ABS-CBN News and TV5 said, “Kami rin!”

Legal
New Hampshire lawmakers recently voted to make adultery legal in the state. In totally unrelated news, Senator Enrile denied reports he’s spending his retirement years in New Hampshire.

Jinggoy’s Prayers
During the Holy Week break, Jinggoy Estrada reportedly prayed to God that his detractors be enlightened. In response, God ordered Jinggoy to enlighten Him first on what happened to the 230 million-peso pork barrel fund released to his office.

marOh Mar!
Last week, the Philippine Star reported that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas blew his top and shouted at the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club who insisted that he pay some fees. Roxas was quoted to have said, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” To be fair, Roxas has apologized. Apparently, the incident taught him some valuable lessons. It taught him how to be patient, how to be understanding, and how to ruin his chances of winning the presidency in 2016.

Sec. Mar Roxas clarified that his strong words were not directed at anyone. He has since apologized for what happened and called it an “unfortunate incident.” Or as ‘Ayala Avenue’ would say, “a #throwbackmoment.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle prayed for true peace. He asked God for peace in communities ravaged by earthquakes, typhoons and armed conflicts. He also prayed for peace in our hearts, homes, institutions, and golf courses.

Meteor Shower
From the evening of Monday (April 21) to predawn of April 22, a meteor shower will light up Philippine skies. Astronomers say dozens of so-called ‘falling stars’ will be visible in the sky. So expect to see Jinggoy, Bong, and probably, Mar Roxas.
————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I’m facing the charges. I’ve always faced it.”
~Gigi Reyes

“If there is something wrong in what I did, I sincerely apologize for hurting someone. There was a misunderstanding on my part, for which I apologize. I direct my apology to the Wack Wack family.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Poll Results
Sa Metro Manila, ano ang madalas mong sakyan?

Train (MRT/LRT) 24.89%
Sariling sasakyan 24.45%
Jeep 22.27%
Bus 19.65%
Taxi 8.73%

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





THIEVES, LAST WORDS, AND OTHER STORIES

17 04 2014

1nap
FORMER SENATOR Panfilo Lacson’s wife Alice had a horrifying experience in Manila recently. Just seconds after alighting from her parked car, robbers snatched one of her diamond-studded gold earrings. She is ok now. It was not the first time Mrs. Lacson came face-to-face with thieves. She used to visit the Senate remember?

Former senator Panfilo Lacson’s wife Alice was victimized by a bunch of thieves in Manila. At least three suspects have been identified. The thieves claimed innocence and vowed to defend themselves in separate privilege speeches.

1Sorry
After receiving complaints from travelers, President Aquino apologized for the busted air conditioning system at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport – one of the world’s worst airports. Things are getting worse over there at the NAIA. It was so bad that this morning, Ninoy Aquino appealed that the airport be re-named after someone else.

Waterless
Due to the flood control project of the Department of Public Works and Highways, 400,000 residents of Metro Manila and Cavite are now experiencing water service cutoff. Those areas will go dry. If it’s any consolation, they now have something in common with the President.

Reckless
A driver of a sportscar that overtook a presidential convoy last Wednesday was charged with reckless driving. When he was ticketed, Jeffrey Roxas-Chua of Urdaneta Village, Makati City got angry and told a police officer, “Kay Presidente pala kayo huh. Ganyan pala. Humanda ka ‘pag naging presidente si Binay o si Erap. Ipatatanggal kita.” Apparently, Chua was not only driving really fast. He was also packing winds of up to 285 kilometres per hour.

Pacquiao
Reports say Manny Pacquiao might see action in the PBA soon. Pacman was quoted to have said he might just play for one of the three newest teams in the league – Kia. Owners of other teams are reportedly cool with the idea as long as the PBA imposes a ban on Mommy Dionisia.

Message
In his Holy Week message, President Aquino said, “As followers of Jesus, Filipinos must always be ready to make their own sacrifices.” And MRT riders were like, “You have no freakin’ idea.”

BlaGK-WCYAEifG_
Seven Last Modern Words

“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”
- People praying for selfie addicts

“I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
- Juan Ponce Enrile on the phone with Gigi Reyes

“Dear woman, here is your son.”
- God explaining ‘things’ to Raquel Pempengco

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”
- MRT Rider

“I am thirsty.”
- Anne Curtis

“It is finished!”
- Jejomar Binay to 2016 rivals

“Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!”
- Erap holding a glass of Petrus wine while praying

Married
Scientists say an authentic papyrus fragment found in ancient Egypt suggests Jesus was married. In the said document, Jesus mentioned the words “my wife” while talking to his disciples. A number of people are questioning its authenticity though. In the interest of fair reporting, we will get the side of the person who took the minutes of that meeting.

Record-Breaker
In Brgy. San Pedro Cutud, City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 53-year-old signboard maker, Ruben Enaje was crucified for the 28th time as he portrayed the role of Jesus in the traditional staging of a play called Via Crucis. Tourists and residents applauded Enaje for his record-setting feat. He totally nailed it!
———————————————————————————-
“Miracles only happen if you believe in miracles.”
~ Paulo Coelho

Sound Bites
“Humihingi tayo ng paumanhin at pasensya pero talagang sa higpit ng mga patakaran sa gobyerno… hindi ka naman puwedeng umorder ngayon (ng air-con units) at deliver within 30 days.”
~President Aquino on the busted aircon system at the NAIA

The BIR’s Latest Print Ad:
Attention: Lawyers
1g

Have a safe vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Information Agency, SunStar Cebu, Associated Press, Bureau of Internal Revenue]





UNANIMOUS

14 04 2014

THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Holy Week has officially started. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as MRT riders would say, “everyday.”

0
As in the previous years, the Senate will stage its own version of the senakulo. Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada were unanimously chosen to play the role of the two thieves crucified with Jesus.

Of course, someone’s going to wash his hands during the play. Guess who’s invited to play Pontius Pilate? MRT General Manager Al Vitangcol.

Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus was rewarded with 30 pieces of silver. No one among the 24 senators was willing to play the part when they were told by Kim Henares that the reward was taxable.

The Senate has invited actress Anne Curtis to play Mary Magdalene. Anne insists on playing a part in the Last Supper scene. She can’t wait for the wine to be served.

President Aquino has taped his Holy Week message to Filipinos. In the 45-second video, he blamed GMA for the arrest and crucifixion of Jesus.

The annual exodus of Filipinos to the provinces for the Holy Week has begun. To avoid long lines in bus terminals, palace spokesman Sonny Coloma has a brilliant suggestion. Ride an airplane.

While Filipinos are on vacation, oil companies are reportedly implementing oil price increases. It’s their way of observing ‘Mahal na Araw.’

11Pacquiao Scores
Manny Pacquiao reclaimed the WBO welterweight title with a unanimous decision victory over Timothy Bradley. With the win, Pacquiao believes his journey as a boxer will continue. Here’s hoping that his journey as a politician will soon end.

The fight lasted 12 rounds. For two judges, it was 116-112 and for another, 118-110 – all in favor of Mommy Dionisia.

Timothy Bradley is undefeated no more. For the first time in his professional career, he tasted defeat. Bradley has realized that nothing in this world is permanent – except for Chavit Singson’s presence in every Pacquiao fight.

After watching the multimillion dollar world title fight, Manny’s wife Jinkee was overcome with emotion. While her husband was celebrating inside the ring, Jinkee was crying as she thought about the hardwork, the perseverance, and the BIR.

Online reports say Jinggoy Estrada watched the Pacquiao-Bradley fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. He almost stole the show.

1BongHaydenHoly Trip!
Last week, Hayden Kho and Bong Revilla bumped into each other in the Holy Land – which probably explains the reported sudden drop in the level of holiness of that land recently.

Bong Revilla is back from a trip to the Holy Land. The embattled actor says he “expects to be arrested anytime.” To which, Filipino taxpayers said, ‘Hopefully.’

Lotto
The PCSO has denied online allegations it rigged the P250M Grand Lotto draw recently. A Muntinlupa City resident was declared the lone winner in that draw. I’m not sure about the rigging but for me, the worst thing about the lotto is that I haven’t won the jackpot.
———————————————————
“The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy.”
~William Hazlitt

Sound Bites
“Habang nagbabakbakan sila, nagpi-pray ako. Ipinagdadasal kong pabagsakin ni Manny si Bradley.”
~Mommy Dionisia

Poll Results
Anong evening newscast ang madalas mong pinapanood?

TV Patrol 30.21%
24 Oras 24.26%
State of the Nation (SONA) 9.57%
Depende sa content. Minsan, iba’t iba, 9.57%
Solar Network News 9.15%
Aksyon (TV5) 7.02%
Bandila 4.26%
Others 3.4%
Saksi 1.49%
Solar Nightly News 0.85%
Pilipinas News (TV5) 0.21%
News+ (Studio 23) 0%

Have a safe vacation/staycation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Agence France Presse, Hayden Kho]





BUSES AND TRAINS

11 04 2014

0
ABS-CBN NEWS spotted Jinggoy Estrada in California walking with the aid of a cane. Viewers were stunned. They did not anticipate a rehearsal this early.

Jinggoy Estrada said he would not resign because he was elected by 18 million Filipinos. At press time though, those 18 million still won’t give a reaction, and asked for prayers and forgiveness instead.

Malling
Police captured a crocodile wandering outside a mall in California. California Fish and Wildlife officials have yet to confirm rumors that the crocodile is Filipino.

0
The Kim and Anne
Reports say Anne Curtis went to the office of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares Thursday night. Everyone was surprised to see the controversial actress. In fact, a starstruck security guard asked, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are too classy to be here.”

Anne Curtis was at the BIR office last Thursday. Commissioner Kim Henares refuses to confirm rumors Anne is facing tax evasion charges. But close friends of the TV host have denied it, saying Anne went to the BIR to buy the agency.

Dyesebel star Anne Curtis visited the BIR office last Thursday evening. Something’s fishy.

88
Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner just turned 88. Asked for advice on how to achieve a long life, Hefner answered, “Avoid pork.” To which Senator Enrile said, “Hindi rin.”

0Options
Amid system malfunctions and very long lines in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma advised MRT passengers to try other options like taking a bus ride on Edsa. In response, MRT passengers advised Coloma to try other options like, ‘Thinking before talking.’

Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma says disgruntled MRT riders should try other modes of transport like buses since “hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.” This begs the question, “Where have you been?”

To avoid long queues in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma told MRT riders to ride a bus on Edsa instead. Even the reviled Edwin Lacierda was like, “I won’t even dare suggest that!”

0
Top 5 New Valuable Suggestions From Palace Spokesman Sonny Coloma

No. 5: Kung wala nang mabili ang kakarampot mong suweldo sa palengke, mag-grocery ka na lang sa Rustan’s.

No. 4: Kung hindi mo na ma-take ang lenggwahe ni Arnold Clavio, manood ka na lang ng T3 ng Tulfo Brothers.

No. 3: Kung Comm Arts major ka at hirap na hirap kang ipasa ang Math 1 at NatSci 1, mag-shift ka na lang sa Metallurgical Engineering o Molecular Biology and Biotechnology.

No. 2: Kung mahal na mahal mo ang iyong officemate pero marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya, ligawan mo na lang si Anne Curtis.

And the No. 1 new valuable suggestion from palace spokesman Sonny Coloma…

Kung hindi pa rin nababawasan ang iyong timbang sa kabila ng pagda-diet at exercise, ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang!

Dared
A group of train commuters challenged President Aquino and his cabinet: “Commute daily! Try n’yo lang!” The President and his Cabinet replied, “Ahm, choppy kayo, choppy! Konting ikot, wala kaming marinig.”

Rated SPG
From 74 percent, President Aquino’s trust rating has dropped to 69. If it’s any consolation, that’s the closest he can get to having raunchy sex.

Worship
At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.
——————————————–
“If only this great concern we have for our own sensitive feelings expanded to encompass the feelings of our fellow men.”
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yong MRT lang ba ang puwedeng sakyan doon sa mga rutang dinadaanan nito? Baka naman puwedeng matuklasan ‘yong iba pang mga options. Hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

Tale of the Tape
10

Have a great weekend! Good luck Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to ABS-CBN News, The Manila Bulletin, Solar News.Ph, Agence France Presse]





LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

9 04 2014

0
THE SUPREME COURT upheld the constitutionality of the Reproductive Health Law. The TRO against the law will soon be lifted – paving the way for its full implementation. Or as Kit Tatad would call it, ‘genocide.’

Interviewed by ABS-CBN News, Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz said Supreme Court justices were pressured by Malacañang when they voted on the constitutionality of the RH Law. And even God was like, “Move on, move on din ‘pag may time.”

Archbishop Oscar Cruz told ABC-SCBN News that the Supreme Court was “under Malacañang’s clutches.” To which, French writer Voltaire reacted, “I may not agree with what you say but I’ll defend to the death your right to be so bitter.”

A Social Weather Stations survey showed almost 80 percent of adult Filipinos believed in the constitutionality of the RH Law. The rest needed enlightenment.

According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, the Reproductive Health Law is not ‘reproductive’ because it is against ‘reproduction.’ Which begs the question, what have you contributed to ‘reproduction’ Archbishop?

Pedophile Alert
The Italian ambassador to Turkmenistan who’s vacationing in the Philippines was arrested in Biñan, Laguna with three boys aged 9, 10 and 12 for suspected sex trafficking. The diplomat identified as Daniele Bosio tried to justify his being sweet to the boys by claiming to be a priest.

Biopsy
Suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles underwent a biopsy procedure at the Ospital ng Makati Tuesday night. This is to determine whether the cyst in her uterus is benign, malignant, or karmic.

Winner
A lone bettor from Makati City won the 249 million-peso Grand Lotto jackpot last Monday. He didn’t have to work for it. He was just really lucky. I mean, that’s more than 240 million pesos! Now he knows how it feels to be like Bong Revilla.

0Caught!
In Uganda, a man-eating one-ton crocodile has finally been caught. During interrogation, the crocodile denied allegations it consulted former senator Ping Lacson on how to evade capture.

No Kidding
In Pakistan… a 9-month-old boy was reportedly charged with frustrated murder along with his father and grandfather for allegedly throwing stones at policemen during a protest rally. He was brought to the police station and was even fingerprinted. The cops refused to release the baby despite getting a call from a high-ranking official of the Liberal Party who tried to block the arrest.

Reports say the Pakistani cop who booked the 9-month-old boy has since been suspended for the outrageous arrest. He also got a dressing down from the Pakistani president who called his action a disservice to the PNP (Pakistani National Police).

Wow Mali!
A Cavite-based tabloid reporter was gunned down in her home last Sunday. On Tuesday, Tanza, Cavite police arrested a suspect. However, relatives of the victim said the cops nabbed the wrong guy. The sloppy job was blamed on the Tanza police chief who was rumored to be half-Filipino, half-Pakistani.

THIS is turning out to be a crazy week. You have a man-eating croc in Uganda; a 9-month-old boy charged with frustrated murder in Pakistan; a wrongful arrest in Cavite, and then there’s the Kris-Herbert romance. Crazy!

1jKrissy and Herbert
TV host Kris Aquino has admitted that she is in a relationship. Take that Mr. President!

In a statement she, herself read on live TV, Kris Aquino said she and Herbert were allowing themselves “to have a chance at forever by keeping quiet and private.” But not before announcing their relationship to the whole wide world. Good start!

An inspired Kris Aquino says there is somebody in her life “who is special.” Herbert Bautista is now the second happiest person on Earth… next only to James Yap.

Kris Aquino’s past relationships include Alvin Patrimonio, Phillip Salvador, Joey Marquez, and James Yap. Rumors say those four have something in common. But to be fair to the Quezon City mayor, he’s a performer.

When Kris Aquino announced Monday night that she and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista were ‘partners,’ a political observer sent me this text message: “Sina Kris and Herbert na?! Ha-ha! Ang dami kong tawa!” I asked, “How many?” He replied, “More or less 2016!”

Pic of the Week
His Grace, King Joffrey Baratheon has a message to Filipinos:

1MRT
“One of the truly bad effects of religion is that it teaches us that it is a virtue to be satisfied with not understanding.”
~ Richard Dawkins

Sound Bites
“It’s a triumph of reason over superstition.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago reacting to the SC’s decision on the RH Law

“Kris is too good looking to be dating Herbert. That’s all I have to say about it.”
~Former Makati representative Teddyboy Locsin

Elsewhere
Let Enrile, Estrada, Revilla go to jail
By Dr. Sylvia Estrada-Claudio:

“Estrada calls it an April fools’ joke. I call it, sexy. So sexy that Justice Secretary de Lima and Ombudsman Carpio Morales should be receiving marriage proposals. It’s not a joke, Jinggoy, honey. It’s a blockbuster. It’s so sweet we are waiting for the DVD version. And we are so very enamored of this production we can’t wait for the sequels. I do hope the producers give in to what the audience wants.”

The Peabody Awards
Congratulations to Scandal, Orphan Black, Breaking Bad, House of Cards, and Orange is the New Black! And to GMA News (Yolanda coverage), isang mainit na pagbati! Here’s the complete list of winners.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to Inquirer.net, UPI and  KrisTV ]





OF ROBBERS AND LOVERS

7 04 2014

1MRT
MALACAÑANG has apologized to suffering MRT commuters for the long lines. Yes, for some time now, lines have been really long at the MRT. The only thing longer was the time it took Malacañang to make that apology.

Traffic
The Department of Public Works and Highways has scheduled re-blockings on parts of Edsa. Expect monstrous traffic jams and do not lose your cool. To be fair to the government, it only promised ‘tuwid na daan,’ not ‘maluwag na daan.’

Innocent
Amid calls for indicted senators to take a vacation, Jinggoy Estrada said there was no reason for him to take a leave of absence because, “I’m innocent of the charges,” and “My conscience is clear.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of his conscience.

1gClinton and Pacman
Former US President Bill Clinton who met Manny Pacquiao on the set of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ was all praises for Pacman. Clinton says Congressman Pacquiao is a “great role model” in the Philippines because he is honest. And because Pacquiao is honest, Clinton can’t believe he’s a congressman.

Arroyo’s Birthday
Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turned 67 last April 5. Malacañang wished Mrs. Arroyo “happiness.” The ‘wish’ was relayed to her in advance – last April 1.

1afuangAfuang
Former Pagsanjan, Laguna Mayor Abner Afuang was photographed burning a Chinese flag to denounce China’s “bullying” of Filipinos on Ayungin Shoal. Since the ’90s, Afuang has been burning flags to denounce perceived abuses. When are we going to see him burn pork barrel thieves?

Grand Lotto
The Grand Lotto jackpot is expected to hit more than 260 million pesos this week. Again, that’s more than 260 million pesos! This is your chance to get very rich without a sweat. Option 2: Become a senator.

Martilyo Gang
Suspected members of ‘Martilyo Gang’ attacked yet another branch of SM Malls recently. This time, the suspects tried to rob a jewelry store at SM Mall of Asia. But the team of police deployed at SM MOA was quick to respond, and the thieves were arrested. Which begs the question, why don’t we send the same team of police to the Senate or Congress!

NPA Strikes
Members of the leftist New People’s Army attacked a Chinese mining firm in Agusan Del Norte, torching heavy equipment and seizing six shotguns from the guards. Even China was like, “With ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?”

1jHerbert and Kris
Kris Aquino posted a family dinner photo on Instagram Saturday night. Her rumored suitor, Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista was with them. Sources say Kris finds Herbert a reliable potential boyfriend. And Herbert finds Kris a reliable potential endorser. (UPDATE: On Monday night, Kris Aquino admitted that she and Bistek were dating.]

Two Decades
Internet in the Philippines turned 20 last week. It’s been 20 years since you first flirted online, and still, no luck. Try harder.

Anne’s BF
Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!
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“In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery?”
~Saint Augustine

Sound Bites
“And if the lines are long, we sincerely apologize to our fellow citizens about this difficulty. We are in the process now of acquiring the coaches.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to MRT riders

“Bakit ako magli-leave of absence? Malinis ang aking konsensya. Wala akong kasalanan. Wala akong ninakaw sa taumbayan.”
~Jinggoy Estrada

Cringe-Worthy
This has been circulating online. Watch at your own risk. (You’ve been warned!)

Poll Results
Matapos irekumenda ng Ombudsman na sila ay kasuhan, dapat na bang magbitiw sa kanilang puwesto sina Enrile, Revilla at Estrada?
Dapat lang. Mahiya naman sila. 90.85%
Kapag inaresto na lang. 4.93%
Hindi! Hindi pa naman sila convicted. 4%

Have a fun and safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to the Manila Bulletin; Yahoo! Sports, Lito Diaz/ABS-CBNNews.Com and Kris Aquino/IG]





PLUNDER, ANNE CURTIS, JELLYFISH AND OTHER STORIES

4 04 2014

IT’S ALMOST Holy Week. What have you given up for Lent? Smoking? Meat? Partying? That’s nothing compared to what Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are about to give up: freedom.

1plunder
For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Last Tuesday, the Office of the Ombudsman announced that it found probable cause to file plunder and graft charges against three senators, Janet Lim-Napoles, and their cohorts. According to the Ombudsman, Senator Enrile allegedly plundered P172 million; Jinggoy, P183 million, and Revilla, P242 million. To be fair to Bong, he’s a consistent topgrosser.

3Holy Land
Bong Revilla left for Jerusalem last week to pray. Last Tuesday, God gave an answer: No.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bong Revilla met with Ping Lacson last year and asked how the once-fugitive ex-senator evaded arrest during the Arroyo administration. As expected, Revilla denied the report. Besides, if he wanted to evade arrest, he wouldn’t consult Lacson. He’ll consult his sister, Ramona Bautista (Revilla).

Interviewed on dzMM, Bong Revilla insisted, “Wala akong kasalanan. Sa mga gumagawa nito sa akin, bahala na si Lord sa inyo.” In response, the Lord said, “Thou shall not namedrop.”

1napHospital Arrest-ish
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles is now confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The period of confinement as approved by the judge covers “pre-operative, intra-operative, and post operative procedures.” In layman’s terms, “para-paraan.”

While confined at the Ospital ng Makati or OsMak, Napoles will be treated by at least six doctors plus an anaesthesiologist from the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center. The doctors will be transported to OsMak by shuttle service marked, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

On Thursday, April 3, the Manila RTC issued a freeze order on Janet Lim-Napoles’s and her family’s assets including real properties and bank accounts. In other news, doctors from St. Luke’s Medical Center have denied reports they’ll be treating Napoles.

1capBerated
Last Monday, President Aquino slammed the cop who arrested fugitive land developer Delfin Lee for talking to the media about his recent sacking and reassignment. President Aquino described Senior Supt. Conrad Capa’s behavior as a “disservice” to the PNP. Delfin Lee described President Aquino as his idol.

Kris and Herbert
Presidential sister Kris Aquino and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista are reportedly “dating.” The date is ‘2016.’

Match
Columnist Ramon Tulfo says only Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte can BEAT Vice President Jejomar Binay. He forgot Cedric Lee and friends.

1capAnne Curtis… Take 2!
It happened after midnight Tuesday at the birthday party of Vice Ganda. Reports say a drunk Anne Curtis shouted at young actor Sam Concepcion, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are not classy enough to be here!” Sought for reaction, Concepcion said he’s still lucky Curtis didn’t threaten to buy him.

Moral of the story. Don’t drink and Anne.

ABS-CBN News reported that Anne Curtis got stung by a jellyfish Wednesday night. An investigation revealed that the jellyfish was a huge fan of Sam Concepcion.

A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.
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“The law of karma is the principle of cosmic justice that holds that all good actions will be rewarded and that all wicked actions will be punished. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere.”
~Chanju Mun, Buddhism and Peace

Sound Bites
“The Filipino taxpayers deserve a break from the hubris and arrogance of many lawmakers and other executive officials who thought all along that callousness as a way of life will remain unchecked as long they are in a position of power.”
~Former Senator Panfilo Lacson

“You can’t set an example if you will baby your colleagues. It should be heavy because they did not explain the use of those huge funds reaching ghost beneficiaries. How can they explain they did not guard this?”
~ Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano

Poll Results
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa balitang sina Kris Aquino at Herbert Bautista na raw?

I DON’T CARE! 53.67%
Nangangamoy 2016 ang tema ng pag-ibig na ‘yan. 25.87%
Ok lang. Kung saan sila masaya, bahala sila. 10.42%
Bakit si Herbert? Sana iba na lang. 10.04%

Jail to the thief!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thank you ANC, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, YahooPh/CosmoPh]





HEADLINES: APRIL 1, 2014

1 04 2014

TODAY’S TOP STORIES

TJ2
Pangulong Aquino, isang magandang TV reporter ang bagong pinopormahan

DILG Secretary Mar Roxas, hindi na tatakbo sa pagkapangulo sa 2016;
susuportahan na lamang ang senatorial bid ng asawang si Korina Sanchez

Bong Revilla, hindi pinapasok sa Holy Land;
na-deport pabalik sa Pilipinas

1napoles
Janet Lim-Napoles, kumpirmadong tatlong buwang buntis ayon sa Ospital ng Makati

Hidwaang Binay at Estrada, lalo pang lumala;
Erap tatakbong muli sa pagkapangulo sa 2016

Detinadong land developer na si Delfin Lee, nakatakas;
mga guwardiya sa Pampanga Provincial Jail, umaming tumanggap ng suhol na condo unit

House Bill No. 4407 na naglalayong parusahan ang mga Pilipinong boboto sa mga mambabatas na nadawit sa pork barrel scam, pasado na sa third and final reading

SUPERMAN
Kontrobersyal na dating chief of staff at diumano’y girlfriend ni Senador Enrile na si Gigi Reyes, balik-Pilipinas

Nawawalang lider ng MNLF na si Nur Misuari, natagpuan sa Indian Ocean

Jinggoy Estrada, nagbago na ang isip:
Aamin na sa partisipasyon sa PDAF scam kapalit ng pagiging state witness

CPP-NPA founding chairman Jose Maria Sison, kinakapos na ng panggastos sa Netherlands; pinaigting na pangungulekta ng revolutionary tax, iniutos sa NPA

Matapos matuklasang kulang ang binayarang buwis noong 2010 at 2011,
BIR Commissioner Kim Henares, kinasuhan ang sarili

Bistado! PNP, nakakuha ng kopya ng schedule ng Martilyo Gang;
SM City Fairview at SM Southmall balak isunod na nakawan

fORBES
Dating pangulong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, dumalo sa misa ng ‘healing priest’ na si Fernando Suarez; inaasahang paggaling, hindi nangyari

KBP, papatawan ng suspensyon ang mga mamamahayag na tumatanggap ng lagay;
TV at radio industry, inaasahang mapaparalisa ang operasyon

Matapos ulanin ng reklamo dahil sa mahahabang pila at palpak na serbisyo,
MRT 3, hindi na bibiyahe

Senador Miriam Defensor-Santiago, inakusahan ng pangongopya ng pick-up lines

Attorney Lorna Kapunan, bagong endorser ng Avon products

Singil sa kuryente ng Meralco para sa buwan ng Abril at Mayo bababa ng 5 pesos kada kilowatt hour

Ruby
Kasong rape na isinampa ni Deniece Cornejo kay Vhong Navarro, ibinasura;
Mga ebidensya laban sa aktor, hindi tumayo sa korte

Kilalang miyembro ng DLSU Lady Spikers, umaming kapwa babae rin ang gusto

Kris Aquino at Herbert Bautista, magpapakasal bago mag-2016


Bb. Pilipinas candidate, ibinunyag na ex-girlfriend siya ng pageant judge na si Sen. Sonny Angara

Vice Ganda, aminadong sinu-showbiz lang niya ang pakikipagbati kay Nancy Binay

PLDT Group ni MVP, binitawan na ang TV5;
GMA 7, nabili na ni Anne Curtis

Happy April Fools’ Day!
——————————————————————————-
“A gullible mind is a weak mind.”
~ Unknown

3Sound Bites
Bb. Pilipinas 2014 Q & A

Melanie Marquez: Apart from love, what else do you think we need?
Candidate: Thank you so much for that wonderful question. I think aside from love, all we need is beauty. Well, beauty is not about physical appearance alone. It is about what is inside of you. It is how you share, how you inspire other people, and through that we can achieve unity and it goes on and on and on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Startalk/GMA 7, ABS-CBN News]





KRISSY, BISTEK, AND CHOCOLATE CHIPS

29 03 2014

THE MOST FAMOUS presidential sister ever is in the news again. Is there truth to rumors that she’s in a relationship? Find out in this tell-all exclusive.

1kid
Hi Krissy!

Oh, hello! It feels great to be back. Promise! Alam mo naman ako, hectic ang sked. Araw-araw ang KrissyTV; I have to bring my sons to their swimming lessons; I had to entertain guests from Malaysia in Malacañang. May live show pa kami ni Boy every night, at na-chi-chismis na naman ako kung kani-kanino these days. Grabe! I’m so pagod. What’s the question again?

Wala pa akong tanong Krissy.

Wala pa ba? Nakakaloka. I thought you asked na! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, go! You have 10 minutes. Ask anything. Now na.

Recently, nag-guest sa ‘Aquino & Abunda Tonight’ si Atty. Lorna Kapunan and before the interview ended, you told her, “I like you na.” Do you?

No! Aha-ha-ha I’m so honest talaga and prangka. Promise!

Does she like you?

I think so. Yeah. Eh lahat naman yata kayo like n’yo ako ‘di ba?! Kunwari, hate na hate si Krissy pero watch naman nang watch! Admit it! Hay naku. ‘Wag na tayong magpaka-ipokrito. Kilala ko kayo! Aha-ha-ha!

1kid
You were in Malacañang to witness the signing of the Comprehensive Agreement on Bangsamoro the other day. Agaw-eksena raw ang figure-hugging gown mo.

True! Aha-ha-ha! At nag-agree daw talaga ako! Care bears! Siyempre world leader ‘yong e-entertain ko ‘no! Nagpatahi talaga ako ng bagong gown para sa event na ‘yon. Ayoko namang mapahiya si Kuya Noy.

At tinalbugan mo raw ang First Lady ng Malaysia.

Oo naman! Aminin mo… mas mukha akong First Lady sa picture na ‘yan kesa sa kanya. Aha-ha-ha

Sabi nga nila, very Lupita ka raw.

Lupita Nyong’o? Of course!

No! Lupita Kashiwahara.

Aha-ha-ha! Nakakaloka ka. Hoy! Huwag mong tawanan ‘yong auntie ko. Nice sa akin ‘yon! By the way, can I just greet someone?

Go!

Hi Chocolate Chip! I’ll see you later. Sorry… I sounded so malandi. Aha-ha-ha

Sino si Chocolate Chip?

Ayokong sabihin!

Sige na! Konti lang naman tayong makakaalam.

No! Nag-promise ako sa Instagram followers ko na I will make it public in time. I’m not ready yet. O ‘di ba, pa-girl ako. Virgin?!? Aha-ha-ha

Fine. Si Daniel Matsunaga ba ‘to?

Noooo! Daniel is just a boy ‘no! He’s only 25. Helllllo!

But James Yap was only 22 then. Hellllllo!

Ay! Oo nga pala. Aha-ha-ha! Basta! Natuto na ako. It’s not Daniel.

Eh sino naman ‘yong governor daw sa Central Luzon na nalI-link din sa ‘yo?

Sino do’n? Aha-ha-ha Parang ang dami ‘no? No! Governor Abet Garcia is just a good friend. Investment ‘yan sa politics. Joooooke!

Ok. Ito na lang: Do you find Herbert Bautista cute?

NAKAKALOKA! Biglang segue sa kanya? Ahi-hi-hi!

Bakit parang kinikilig ka?

Gosh. Grabe ka. Hindi ‘no! Ahi-hi-hi!

Eh kasi biglang naging ahi-hi-hi ang aha-ha-ha mo!

Pati ba naman ‘yon napansin mo pa?! Kaloka!

Hindi mo pa sinasagot ang tanong ko Krissy. Do you find Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista cute?

Let’s put it this way…

Sandali! Bakit may “Let’s put it this way…?” Pwede namang YES or No lang ah.

I hate you naaaaa! Darla, penge ngang tubig. Nai-stress ako. Aha-ha-ha!

1kid
Again, do you find Mayor Bistek cute?

YES. Ay!!!! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sagot ko aha-ha-ha! Krissy… shut up. Enough na! Boy sorry!

Siya ba si Chocolate Chip?

Noooo, I don’t want to answer that. Tama na! Baka nagbabasa ng blog mo ‘yon, nakakahiya!

Nanliligaw ba siya sa ‘yo?

Ang kulit huh! Siya kaya ang tanungin n’yo! I don’t want people to think na ako ang babae, ako pa ang naghahabol. Hellllo! But he’s sweet. Ay! Ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko!? Aha-ha-ha Sorry Boy. Nag-promise akong sa Buzz unang magsasalita but here I am with my big mouth. Sorry talaga.

Kung manliligaw sa ‘yo si Mayor Bistek, anong problema n’ya may chance ba siya?

I’ve said enough. Sorry.

Ok, last. May mga nagsasabing gagamitin lang n’yo ang isa’t isa sa 2016 elections. Anong reaksyon mo?

Excuse me! Krissy is Krissy. Hindi ko kailangang manggamit para makuha ang isang bagay. And to be fair to Chocolate Chip, hindi siya gano’n.

Sino si Chocolate Chip?

Huh? May sinabi ba akong Chocolate Chip?!

Oo! Sabi mo, hindi user si Chocolate Chip.

WALA AKONG SINABING CHOCOLATE CHIP! Darla, may sinabi ba akong Chocolate Chip?

Yes po.

Sorry naman. Tao lang. Hindi ako perfect. Pretend na lang that you guys didn’t hear me say Chocolate Chip. And please, pwede bang mag-move on na tayo? DARLA, we need to talk later!

Push mo ‘yan ‘teh.

What did you say Darla?

Wala po.

Moving on… may lumabas na tsismis na baka raw ikaw ang gawing running mate ni Sec. Mar Roxas sa 2016.

Aha-ha-ha!

May nakakatawa?

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan.

So, papayag ka bang maging vice presidential candidate katambal si Mar Roxas?

Vice president kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng sa Quezon City muna? Joooooke! I’m sure lalagyan n’yo na naman ng kulay ang sinabi ko! Mga tsismoso!

Kung dalawa lang ang kandidato sa pagka-pangulo, sino ang iboboto mo: Binay o Roxas?

Ayaw kong makasakit ng damdamin. At ayaw kong ilagay sa isang awkward situation ang aking kapatid dahil s’ya ang chairman ng Liberal Party. So para wala na lang isyu at hindi na naman akong masabihang nakikisawsaw sa pulitika, quiet na lang ako. Binay.

So you’ll go for Binay?

May sinabi ba akong Binay?

You just said it.

HELLLLLOOOOO! WALA AKONG SINASABING BINAY! Darla, may sinabi ba akong Binay?

Yes po.

Hay naku. You guys are making fun of me naaaa. I hate you. Ayoko na ngang sumagot!

1kid
Ok… last na talaga. Let’s play Pinoy Henyo. Maglalaro kayo ni Darla. Kailangang mahulaan ni Darla ang mystery word by asking questions answerable only by Yes or No. Ikaw ang sasagot sa mga tanong niya.

Wait, anong premyo!

Wala lang. Happiness.

Bongga! Love ko ‘yan. Matagal na akong wala n’yan. Aha-ha-ha!

Krissy and Darla, you have two minutes. Ready? Go!

Mystery Word: BISTEK.

Tao po ba ‘to Ms Krissy?

Pwede!

Bagay?

Kami!

Bagay kayo?

I think so! Aha-ha-ha

Ang hirap naman. Damit ba ‘to?

No!

Pagkain ba ‘to Ms Krissy?

Oo!

Kinakain mo?

Soon! Jooooke! Aha-ha-ha

Again, kinakain mo ba ito Ms Krissy?

OO naman!

Masarap ba ito?

Parang. Aha-ha-ha!

Malaki ba ‘to?

Hindi ko pa alam. Aha-ha-ha Tawa na naman ako nang tawa. Naloloka na yata ako.

Maliit ba ito?

Physically?

Grabe ka naman Ms Krissy. Bakit may ‘physically?’ Kaloka! Makikita sa Metro Manila?

Yes! Guess ka pa! Basta nasa Metro Manila.

Pulubi?!

Gaga! Bakit naman ako kakain ng pulubi!

Ay sorry po. Ha-ha Kwek-kwek? Tokneneng? Kikiam? IUD? Adidas? Betamax?

Eeeew! Ikaw talaga Darla. Ano ba ‘yang mga kinakain mo?

Nasa Quezon City ba ‘to Ms Krissy?

May tama ka!

Steak?

Pwede!!!!!!

Beef Steak?

Yes!!!

Mahal ba ‘to?

Mahal ko na s’ya. Aha-ha-ha

Gaano kamahal?

OOOPS, TIME’S UP. Sorry Darla. Hindi mo nakuha. Krissy… sabihin mo sa kanya kung ano ang ating pinapahulaan.

I hate you Darla. Hmpf! Wala tuloy tayong napanalunang happiness. Anyway, ang mystery word ay walang iba kundi… Chocolate Chip!

Noooo! Anong chocolate chip? Hindi ‘yan ang word.

May sinabi ba akong chocolate chip?

Oo Krissy!

WALA AKONG SINABING CHOCOLATE CHIP. Darla, may sinabi ba akong Chocolate Chip?

Yes po.

Ay, ‘sensya ulit! Nalito lang. The mystery word is ‘Bistek.’

Mura lang naman ang BISTEK ah. Sabi mo kanina ‘mahal?’

Hoooy! Mahal ang masarap na bistek ‘no!

Hindi rin.

Basta!!! Mahal ko na siya. ‘Di ba Darla?

Push mo ‘yan!
————————————————————————————-
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

1kidSound Bites
“Last Friday nagkita kami ng anak ko. Siya ang nagsabi sa akin mismo kung sino. Politician. Tapos sabi sa akin ni Bimby, ‘Joke lang.’ After naming mag-swimming, sinabi sa akin ni Bimby na ito nga si ganito. Pero hindi ko pwedeng sabihin kung sino. Ayaw ko nang makialam, mamaya magalit pa sa akin si Kris.”
~James Yap on the rumored new boyfriend of his ex-wife Kris Aquino

Poll Results
Dapat bang palayain ang nadakip na mga lider ng CPP-NPA upang umusad daw ang peace talks?
NO! 83.46%
Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 10.24%
YES! 6.3%

Have a great week ahead!

[Photos: Kris Aquino’s Instagram account, Quezon City.Gov.Ph, and ABS-CBN News]





CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING, THE MRT, DIVERGENT, AND OTHER STORIES

27 03 2014

LIBERAL PARTY stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

mh370
Liberal Party stalwart Joseph Abaya says Sec. Mar Roxas “will carry the flag for the LP” in the 2016 presidential elections. Unless, of course, something unfortunate happens to the popular mother or father of another LP member. (But nobody wants that to happen. Not the LP members and definitely not Korina Sanchez.)

Malacañang on Wednesday clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Summer
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

maglalatikAnniversary
On March 29, the Communist Party of the Philippines will celebrate the 45th anniversary of the New People’s Army. The NPA’s armed rebellion has been going on for 45 long years. Even China was like, “Hilarious!”

The tipsters who provided information that led to the arrest of top communist leaders last weekend will reportedly receive 11.2 million pesos. The AFP denied rumors that the reward is subject to 10 percent revolutionary tax.

1napolesMRT Accident
A “sudden braking” accident at the MRT 3 Wednesday morning, which injured a dozen passengers was blamed on the driver. The MRT management says the driver has been in the service for only six months. Apparently, his blunder was due to inexperience. The driver was identified only by his nickname, Noynoy.

1kidGwen and Chris
After 10 years of marriage, actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay front man Chris Martin separated – in a move they called “conscious uncoupling.” Lawmakers should follow their lead and consciously uncouple from their corrupt practices.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have called it quits. Gwyneth will reportedly speak soon about their marital problems on TV together with her sisters Ballsy, Pinky, and Viel Paltrow.

‘Conscious uncoupling’ has become a top trending topic. Apparently, everyone has had some (funny) ‘conscious uncoupling’ experience. You can ‘consciously uncouple’ from anyone or anything, anytime and anywhere – except in the MRT.

Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to separate from Chris Martin. Gwyneth is now part of Russia.

Surprised
When Sen. Cynthia Villar heard that Ruby Tuason had ties with the Napoleses, she was really surprised. Her face had difficulty showing it but she was.

Your Eyes
According to the Philippine Academy of Ophthalmology, more than two million Filipinos will develop visual impairment this year due to various reasons. I see.

De Lima’s Ex
Sacked NBI Deputy Director for Intelligence Services Reynaldo Esmeralda says lawyer Plaridel Bohol, the ex-husband of Justice Sec. Leila De Lima together with two other former NBI officials met with Janet Lim-Napoles before she was arrested. De Lima dismissed Esmeralda’s revelation as malicious since it’s been a long time ago since she and Bohol consciously uncoupled.

Libel
Erwin Tulfo sued the Philippine Daily Inquirer for libel. He is demanding 12 million pesos in damages from the Inquirer. That’s huge. If he wins, he doesn’t have to solicit ads from NABCOR anymore.

Broadcast journalist Erwin Tulfo sued the Philippine Daily Inquirer for libel. Tulfo said the news report titled, Payoffs to media bared  was “very damaging” to his integrity. Now that’s how you deliver a  punchline.

Divergent
Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

#AlamNa

—————————————————————————————————
“Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard”
~The Scientist, Coldplay

Pic of the Weak
MRT 3 Packed Queue!

heart

Sound Bites
“Happy anniversary. We have arrested your No. 1 and No. 2!”
~ Lt. Col. Ramon Zagala, AFP Public Affairs Office Chief

Poll Results
What broadsheet do you (usually) read?

Philippine Daily Inquirer 52.36%
Philippine Star 16.36%
I don’t read newspapers! 11.27%
Manila Standard 5.82%
Manila Bulletin 5.09%
Tabloid lang (Don’t judge me!) 5.09%
Business World 2.18%
Other Dailies 0.73%
Business Mirror 0.36%
Daily Tribune 0.36%

Congratulations graduates!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, NewWorldSummit.Eu (NPA Flag), Erel Cabatbat of TV5 (MRT 3 Pic), Rappler, Gabriel Paul L. Perez (MRT pic)]





OF IDIOTS, COCAINE, AND CONDOMS

24 03 2014

JANET LIM-NAPOLES was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

1napoles
Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles said a broken hospital equipment at the Ospital ng Makati turned her off. The hospital equipment responded, “The feeling is mutual.”

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Prepared
Jinggoy Estrada assures the public that in case the Ombudsman files a [non-bailable] plunder case against him, he is so ready. To which Fort Sto. Domingo said, “Ako rin!”

Presidency
Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

mirIdiots
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Criminals
Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

1thievesBig Fish
High-ranking officials of the Communist Party of the Philippines-New People’s Army were arrested Saturday in Cebu. But CPP-NPA founding chair Jose Maria Sison says the arrest of his comrades won’t stop the “armed revolution.” Sison sent the statement straight from the Netherlands ‘70s.

According to the Philippine Star, CPP-NPA leaders Benito and Wilma Tiamzon are in charge of the communist movement in the country since their founding chairman Jose Maria Sison resides in Europe. Arrested last Saturday, the powerful Tiamzons were the most wanted communist leaders in the country. Congratulations to the second most wanted. You have been promoted!

1kidYoung Daredevil
Justin Alexander Casquejo, a 16-year-old Filipino-American sneaked past security and made his way to the 104th floor of One World Trade Center in New York City. From there, he took the stairs to the rooftop all the way up to the antenna – UNDETECTED. Authorities gave him the nickname, ‘MH370.’

On Twitter, Justin Alexander Casquejo apologized. One World Trade Center security should do the same.

OK!
On Sunday, March 23, OK – the world’s most-used word turned 175 years old. Documents showed it was first uttered by a baby named Juan Ponce Enrile.

Giant Cat
An amusing Japanese commercial shows the refreshing power of a chewing gum. When a man took the piece of the gum, a giant cat appeared and carried him to work. Viewers described the cat who carried the man as adorable. Kim Henares described the cat as a good taxpayer.

1kidTurkey vs Twitter
Following reports of corruption involving senior government officials, the Turkish prime minister has ordered a ban on Twitter saying it allows “character assassination.” Or as we call that here in the Philippines, “character description.”

Cocaine and Condoms
In Berlin, a German newspaper revealed that authorities seized a cocaine shipment destined for the Vatican last January. Now we know why Pope Francis is so cool.

Reports say the cocaine bound for the Vatican was packed into 14 condoms. Defending the Vatican, a furious cardinal said, “We’re against condoms!”
——————————————————————–
“From the naturalistic point of view, all men are equal. There are only two exceptions to this rule of naturalistic equality: geniuses and idiots.”
~ Mikhail Bakunin

Sound Bites
“Ako, gusto ko ring mag-cleansing sa Senado, kung pwede lang ba dahil non-educable nga sila. Naging propesor ako sa UP but I’ve never seen such a group so resistible to education as the Philippine Senate.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

“I seriously apologize to anyone who may have been insulted or felt disrespected by my actions. It was not my intention to do so.”
~Fil-Am teen Justin Casquejo who climbed 1 World Trade Center

Have a peaceful week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Getty Images]





THIEVERY CORPORATION

20 03 2014

1thieves
OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS showed at least 83 lawmakers channeled some 1.7 billion pesos in pork barrel funds through the state-owned National Agribusiness Corporation or Nabcor to questionable NGOs including Janet Lim-Napoles’s bogus organizations. Again, that’s 83 lawmakers – 83 possible defendants to plunder or graft cases. Even St. Luke’s Medical Center was like, “Teka lang, ‘di pa kami ready.”

At least 83 lawmakers have been linked yet anew to misuse of pork barrel funds. At what point do we change the name of the two chambers of Congress to Upper Bilibid and Lower Bilibid?

These lawmakers ought to be reminded that they’re working in Batasan, not Gatasang Pambansa.

Former senator Edgardo Angara and three incumbent senators: Juan Ponce Enrile, Bong Revilla, and Jinggoy Estrada were among those who reportedly endorsed questionable NGOs to Nabcor. Hats off to Bong, Jinggoy and Enrile for their unparalleled consistency!

The documents detailing the involvement of Nabcor in the pork barrel scam were submitted to the Ombudsman by former Nabcor officials Rhodora Mendoza and Vic Cacal – Or as Jinggoy Estrada would call them, “My next privilege speech.”

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

1UP Tops ‘Em All
The results of the 2013 bar exams have been released. Five UP Law grads are in the Top 10. Congratulations to the new lawyers! Do you want clients? Here’s a tip: visit Congress.

UP Law’s Nielson Pangan topped the 2013 bar exams. Great job! Reports say Nielson is a single, “average” student who surprisingly outscored everyone. Friends have given him a new nickname, ‘Noynoy.’

Ateneo Law emerged on top in 2010, 2011, and 2012. But UP Law foiled Ateneo’s four-peat bid this year. To which the DLSU Lady Spikers said, “Now you know the feeling.”

1News/Views for Sale?
Former officials of the National Agribusiness Corporation exposed payoffs to broadcast-journalists including a high-profile radio and TV personality who allegedly received P2M “as payoff to stop criticisms of a Nabcor project.” Those of you who are surprised by this allegation against media men, please raise your right hand… then slap yourselves.

Rumors say the prominent radio and TV personality who allegedly received P2M from Nabcor is a member of an influential religious group. Interestingly, the Philippine Daily Inquirer did not identify the broadcaster. Which begs the question: is PDI running for public office?

A fuming Erwin Tulfo of TV5 used his radio program to defend himself and attack the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Describing PDI reporter Nancy Carvajal as “bobo,” Tulfo denied that he received a check amounting to P245,535 from Nabcor. Even the check was like, “Yeah, right.”

1
Also linked to the Nabcor payoffs was Melo Del Prado Magdurulang of radio station DZBB. Avid listeners were shocked. They couldn’t believe he’s a Magdurulang.

Both GMA Network and TV5 vowed to investigate the allegations against their employees. But before TV5 could even begin its inquiry, the network declares it “stands by the statement of Mr. Tulfo.” Even his own network is afraid of him.

Noah
Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

1Big Fish
Two weeks after fugitive land developer Delfin Lee was nabbed, President Aquino hinted that another big fish would soon be arrested. You know what that means? Another arresting police officer will be sacked and reassigned!

MH370
Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 has not been found. It’s been two weeks! And Amelia Earhart reacted, “Two weeks lang?! Try 77 years!”
—————————
“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not Guilty’.”
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Had there been no adjustment, had it been strictly 75 (the passing grade), 694 would have passed. That would constitute 13.13 percent of the examineeS.”
~ 2013 Bar exam chair, Associate Justice Arturo Brion

Poll Results
Dapat bang ilipat sa ordinaryong kulungan si Janet Lim-Napoles?

Yes. Dapat pantay-pantay; walang special treatment. 77.89%
Wala akong pakialam. Ang importante nakakulong siya! 13.16%
No. High-risk detainee siya, hindi ordinaryo. 8.95%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the UP College of Law, The SoshalNetwork.com, Philstar.com, Interaksyon, Sunstar.com]





#HEARTSTRONG. DEFIANT. GAY.

16 03 2014

CONGRATULATIONS to the Ateneo Lady Eagles – UAAP Season 76 volleyball champs. The team, led by MVP Alyssa Valdez defeated four-peat-seeking DLSU Lady Spikers who enjoyed a twice-to-win, thrice-to-beat advantage heading into the championship. Bravo Lady Eagles! #Utak #Puso and a #Thai.

Before the finals, it was all La Salle, La Salle, La Salle. In the end though, they lost to the dark horse. Mar Roxas can relate.

01hb
BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was caught by TV cameras cheering for Ateneo at the SM MOA Arena. She was amazed at how Alyssa Valdez carried her team to victory. Henares thought it was as heroic as a teacher carrying a doctor on her shoulders.

Also spotted at the MOA Arena was actor and perennial election candidate Richard Gomez. He was wearing a blue shirt and was apparently cheering for the Ateneans who won their first title in the event since joining the UAAP in 1978. For years, Ateneo keeps losing but they just tried and tried until they won. All is not lost Richard Gomez, all is not lost.

The Ateneo Lady Eagles are the new volleyball champs in the UAAP. The NU Lady Bulldogs came in third. Defending champ DLSU was first-runner up. Remember: the role of the first runner-up is important. If, for any reason, the champs cannot fulfill their duties, the first runner-up remains in second place.

01hb
Shoulda, Woulda, Cudia
Despite the PMA’s decision, Cadet First Class Aldrin Jeff Cudia remains defiant. The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that last Saturday, Cudia met with President Aquino. It was a cordial meeting between a stubborn, pigheaded guy, and Cadet First Class Cudia.

Cudia-ish
President Aquino, who was expected to show up at 9AM for the PMA graduation rites Sunday morning arrived an hour late! He then delivered his commencement address titled ‘Ironic.’

Cadet First Class Aldrin Jeff Cudia was not allowed to graduate by the PMA. It all started when he came in late to class. A while back, I talked to the beleaguered cadet. He said he wouldn’t allow himself to be punished and ridiculed again for coming in late so he’ll try his best… to become president.

In his commencement address, President Aquino told the graduates to uphold the honor code even outside the academy. In response, the cadets said, “Bahala na.”

300: Rise of an Empire
Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

01hbFrozen
Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. Swanson has not seen ‘Frozen’ though because he prefers watching those Spartans in 300.

Right-wing pastor Kevin Swanson says the character Elsa from ‘Frozen’ could be gay since she never considered a male suitor and opted to remain single. Hello! Jesus.

Pastor Kevin Swanson says the character Elsa from ‘Frozen’ could be gay since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

Colorado-based right-wing pastor Kevin Swanson blasted award-winning film ‘Frozen’ for allegedly promoting homosexuality. He says the Oscar-winning song ‘Let It Go’ is a coming out song. Swanson refused to explain though why his iPod’s playlist includes Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive.’
——————————————————————————
“Although I wanted my players to work to win, I tried to convince them they had always won when they had done their best.”
~John Wooden

Sound Bites
“Kung tungkulin nating pairalin ang honor code sa institusyong ito, paninidigan din sana natin ito sa labas ng PMA.”
~President Aquino to PMA Class 2014

Poll Results
Dapat bang obligahin ang mga OFWs na magpadala ng remittance sa kanilang pamilya?

Hindi. 62.86%
Babasahin ko muna ang bill. 19.05%
Dapat lang! 18%

Have a bright week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA Network, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Disney]





A SELFIE, AN APOLOGY, AND CRAZY BILLS

13 03 2014

01hb
IT’S SUMMER! It’s so hot out there people are flocking to the Senate just to be near something shady.

Jinggoy Part II
In yet another privilege speech, Jinggoy Estrada lamented he had been “depicted as the epitome and personification” of a corrupt public official. To be fair, he earned it.

Sorry
Four months after Yolanda’s devastation in the Visayas, President Aquino apologized for the slow and late response of the government. Four months from now, he will say sorry again for the late apology.

01hb‘Selfiest’
According to a TIME magazine study, the cities of Makati and Pasig produce more selfies per capita than any other city in the world. They also have the most number of people with the highest tolerance level for anything unsightly.

A study conducted by TIME magazine revealed per 100,000 people in Makati and Pasig, 258 are selfie-takers. The rest have better things to do.

01hb
Primetime Ban
Buhay party-list Rep. Lito Atienza has filed a bill that seeks to ban the airing of foreign TV series like Asian telenovelas on primetime. According to Atienza, foreign teleseryes are “eating into the primetime schedules of television companies.” Which begs the question, “Why do you care?”

Lito Atienza, who was elected to Congress via the party-list polls wants to ban the airing of foreign TV series on free channels from 6pm to 10pm. Violators will be dealt with harshly. They will be required to wear floral shirts everyday for six months.

Forced Remittance
A member of Congress recently filed a bill that would require OFWs to send monthly remittances to their families. If not feasting on our taxes, they’re meddling with our personal finances. What’s next?

01hb
Top 5 Predicted Proposed Measures to be Filed Soon by Our Brilliant Lawmakers

No. 5: An act seeking to penalize netizens who ‘Like’ their own Facebook statuses or ‘Favorite’ their own tweets

No. 4: An act establishing public farting areas in every barangay in the country

No. 3: An act prohibiting Kris Aquino from talking about her personal/sex life in all media platforms

No. 2: An act requiring Filipinos to show proof they actually prayed after posting the hashtag #PrayFor(Something or Someone) on social media

And the No. 1 predicted proposed measure to be filed by our brilliant lawmakers soon:

An act seeking to promote ‘moving on’ by preventing someone from following an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend on Twitter or adding them on Facebook

Unchristian
A CBCP official was quoted to have said that the BIR’s recent print ad (that offended a number of doctors) was un-Christian. Strong statement from a member of a group that doesn’t pay taxes at all.

01hbLargest
Astronomers have discovered the largest yellow star ever observed in the galaxy. They named it Conrad De Quiros.

Sacked
Police Senior Supt. Conrado Capa, leader of Task Force Tugis that nabbed fugitive land developer Delfin Lee was upset. He told the media he’s been removed from the task force and would be transferred to Region 7. In totally unrelated news, the governor of Oriental Mindoro will sponsor a thanksgiving mass tomorrow.

Loyalist
Allies and friends of Delfin Lee held a rally in Pampanga to express their support for the arrested land developer. One of his supporters boldly declared, “Ang nangyayari kay Delfin Lee ay hindi nalalayo sa nangyari kay Jesus Christ.” And Jesus Christ was like, “Ulol!”
———————————————————————————————–
“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
~ Napoleon

Sound Bites
“Tuwing nanonood na lang ako ng TV, nakikita ko ‘yong mga biktima ni Delfin Lee, naiisip ko, natulungan ko sila. ‘Yun na ang aking reward.”
~Sacked Task Force Tugis chief Senior Supt. Conrado Capa

“I apologize if we couldn’t act even faster.”
~President Aquino

10 Age-Old Truths That Our Generation Has Defied

Poll Results
May takot sa Diyos, walang bahid ng katiwalian. Kung tatakbo sa pagka-senador si Manny Pacquiao sa 2016, iboboto mo ba siya?

Hell no! 83.33%
Pag-iisipan ko muna. 10.98%
Oo naman! 5.69%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: DueventPlanner.WP.com, Mashable, GMA Network, Toonpool.com, Reuters]





OH MY GULAY!

10 03 2014

THE HOUSE OF Representathieves Representatives approved on third and final reading House Bill No. 2072 declaring Malunggay as ‘national vegetable’ and November as National Malunggay Month.

The news came as a surprise to the vegetable community. Here’s the full report as published in OMG! (Oh My Gulay) magazine.

Gulay

“UNFAIR!”

Ito ang naging pahayag ng ibang halaman sa balitang inaprubahan na ng Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso sa third and final reading ang panukalang batas na nagdedeklara sa Malunggay bilang Pambansang Gulay.

Sa joint statement na inilabas ng mga halamang makikita sa paligid ng Bahay Kubo, kinundena ng mga ito ang anila’y minadaling pagpapasa sa panukalang batas.

eric
Ayon sa mga gulay, “This is a travesty! Walang naganap na konsultasyon sa vegetable community!”

Hindi rin sila makapaniwalang mas nauna pang talakayin ng Kongreso ang Malunggay bill kaysa sa Freedom of Information Bill na taong 1992 pa nakabinbin.

Nagbanta ang Patola at ang Upo na pangungunahan nila ang mahabang barikada upang pigilan ang pagsasabatas sa naturang panukala.

“Kung kailangang gumapang kami patungong Kongreso at Senado gagawin namin, huwag lamang maipasa ‘yan!” dugtong ng Kundol at ng Sitaw.
11on
Mangiyak-ngiyak naman ang Sibuyas nang marinig ang balita.

“Nakapanlalambot,” ang sabi ng Mustasa.

11on
Hindi rin naitago ng Talong ang kanyang galit. Nakapagbitiw naman ng maaanghang na salita ang Luya.

Muntik na ring pumutok ang Bawang sa sama ng loob.

“Kung talagang malaki ang pakinabang sa Malunggay na ‘yan, bakit wala siya sa ‘Bahay Kubo?’ tanong ng Bataw at ng Sigarilyas.

“Malaking puno ang Malunggay. Patunay lamang na kahit kailan, ‘yang mga pulitiko ay kulang ang pagpapahalaga at malasakit sa tulad naming maliliit,” dugtong ng Patani.

Ayon kay Pangasinan Rep. Gina De Venecia na siyang pangunahing may-akda ng bill, ang Malunggay ay “miracle vegetable” dahil nakagagamot daw ito ng iba’t ibang sakit.

Hindi naman napigilan ng Mani at ng Linga ang matawa sa pahayag ni De Venecia sabay sabing, “Ang tanda-tanda mo na naniniwala ka pa sa milagro!”

Kaduda-duda rin anila ang sinabi nito hinggil sa ‘medicinal value’ ng Malunggay lalo pa’t sa dulo ng patalastas ng Moringa ay may disclaimer na, “No approved therapeutic claims.”


Binatikos din ng mga gulay ang ilang mambabatas na pinanininiwalaan nilang nakikisakay lamang sa popularidad ng Malunggay ngayon.

Mabilis namang bumuwelta ang mga kongresista.

Pinag-initan nila ang Mani na umano’y walang karapatang makisawsaw sa isyu dahil hindi naman ito gulay at hindi rin prutas kundi isang legume.

“Ang lakas ng loob magreklamo ng mga ‘yan! Bakit? Gulay ba ang bawang? Gulay ba ang sibuyas? ‘Yang kamatis at talong, mga gulay ba ‘yan? Those two are fruits! A berry to be exact! Ang hirap kasi sa mga bumabatikos na halaman, green with envy sila!” giit ng mga mambabatas.

Ipinagtanggol naman ng Luya at ng Singkamas ang kanilang mga kasama, “Botanically speaking, bulbs o fruits sila, yes. But culinary speaking, we are all vegetables. Bali-baligtarin mo man ang recipe, gulay pa rin ang turing sa aming lahat! Racist! Tse!”


Nang tanungin ang mga gulay kung may nakikita ba silang alternatibo sa Malunggay bilang national vegetable [e.g. kangkong o talbos ng kamote] sinabi ng mga ito, “Kailangan bang meron? Mamamatay ba kayo kung wala? Mababawasan ba ang nasyonalismo at pagka-Filipino n’yo kung walang pambansang gulay? Hayyyy, you and your priorities.”

Nagbabala pa ang mga ito na magdudulot lamang ng pagkakawatak-watak sa gulayan ang panukalang batas ni De Venecia. Kaya’t ang sigaw nila, “Ibasura!”

Sakali namang lumusot sa dalawang Kapulungan ng Kongreso ang kontrobersyal na legislative measure, umaasa ang Kalabasa na ivi-veto ito ng kanyang kakulay na idolo… ang Pangulo.

Tinangka naming kunin ang panig ng Malunggay hinggil sa isyu ngunit sinabi nitong walang buting maibubunga ang pakikipagdebate at pagtatanim ng galit.

11on
Samantala, napag-alaman naming tutol din pala sa panukalang batas ni Manay Gina ang Ampalaya ngunit ayaw na nitong magsalita tungkol sa isyu sa takot na masabihang… bitter. ###
—————————————————————————-
“Do only work that matters, and you will end up pleasing those who are important enough to care about it.”
~ Jeffrey Fry

Sound Bites
“Malunggay is one of the important plants that deserve national and international promotion due to the many bio-medical endowment and numerous socio-economic benefits that can be derived from it.”
~Pangasinan Rep. Gina De Venecia

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Medicinal Herbs For You, EricCachero.Weebly.com, Picstopin.Com, Del Monte.Ph, House of Representatives]








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