TWO-SENTENCE HORROR STORIES (PINOY VERSION)

19 07 2014

BASED ON recent events in the Philippines, this list was inspired by the viral two-sentence horror stories that originally appeared on Reddit.

1GG
1: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima called an emergency press conference today. Benhur Luy has been missing for 48 hours.

2: The new vice president is about to take his oath of office. Joseph Estrada has never been this proud of his son, Jinggoy.

3: The Sandiganbayan was left with no choice but to allow the transfer of Gigi Reyes to St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig. BJMP-appointed doctors say she’s been in labor for three hours and the baby’s not breathing.

4: It’s already 2014. The country is still experiencing brownouts.

5: President Aquino tells government lawyers to no longer pursue the motion for reconsideration against SC’s DAP ruling. Secretary Coloma tells reporters it’s just a joke.

6: In his homily, the bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. He’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Napoles.

7: The reporter is surrounded by sparkling diamonds, pearls, and luxury purses. It’s the annual SONA Red Carpet in Batasan Complex.

8: He entered the room and saw red, black, and blue. He panicked but it was too late to quit the brotherhood.

9: In the mock polls conducted Wednesday, Bongbong Marcos emerged as the students’ top pick for president. The mock election was held in Ateneo.

1mv
10: Bro. Mike Velarde and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the El Shaddai House on Friday. Dozens of politicians were present.

11: It’s a rainy, rush hour Friday payday. You’re aboard a passenger bus and couldn’t hold your pee any longer.

12: I have been waiting to be served in the crowded SSS office for almost four hours. When it was already my turn, the staff announced a 90-minute lunch break.

13: The traffic lights are working. A traffic enforcer emerges from the police outpost and decides to direct the traffic himself.

14: You died but was given another chance to “live.” You were resurrected as Janet Napoles’s vagina.

15: Miguel has an 8AM meeting in Makati and it’s already 7:30. The sea of people at the MRT North Avenue station makes him dizzy.

16: Within minutes, the heavy and continuous rains submerged streets in the metro. Classes were then suspended and students were advised to go home.

17: After a long bus ride from work, the starving office employee slumped into a chair. It was only Monday.

18: Miss Universe candidates are expected to arrive next week. The pageant is being held in Ukraine.

19: Star Cinema has released an extended trailer of its latest project – a heavy drama. Playing the role of twins in the movie is Kris Aquino.

And finally…
20: There are more than seven billion people on Earth today. You’re still loveless.

Worst Airport
A septic tank at the NAIA Terminal 1 overflowed Saturday releasing foul smell and causing a minor flood at the departure area. Malacañang immediately issued a very short statement: Shit happens.

Emotional
Lawyer Gigi Reyes who arrived at the Sandiganbayan in handcuffs Friday reportedly cried during her arraignment. But the emotional moment became awkward when the justices and everyone else in the courtroom applauded and gave her a standing ovation.
————————————————————————————–
“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.”
~ Stephen King

1MH17
Sound Bites
“It is kind of the world’s biggest crime scene right now.”
~ Michael Bociurkiw, spokesman of the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe describing the crash scene of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17

What have we become?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang, 620wtmj.com]





NOW NA!

17 07 2014

1SR
PRESIDENT AQUINO’s net satisfaction rating has dropped 20 percent in June to an all-time low +25. It was +45 in March. Analysts say the only thing that could reverse the trend is for Cory Aquino to die again.

According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating is at an all-time low. That explains why his hairline is at an all-time high.

1ABAD
“Use It or Lose It”
Last Monday, the President addressed the nation to defend the controversial Disbursement Acceleration Program. He slammed the Supreme Court for declaring DAP unlawful. President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating has dropped so low the only thing he’s above now is the law.

In a televised address Monday evening, President Aquino defended DAP and criticized the Supreme Court for ruling against it, 13-0. But netizens were divided on the issue: 50 percent were anti-DAP and 50 percent were pro-Supreme Court.

Defending the use of government savings to hasten project implementation, President Aquino said, “Use it or lose it.” Among those who agreed with Aquino on his “Use it or lose it.” line were his Cabinet men, his legal advisers, and his sperm cells.

In his address, President Aquino used popular catchphrases such as “Now na!” and “Excuse me…” When sought for reaction, the opposition said, “Whatevs!”

1PDIGlenda
What a week for Luzon residents! The weather was just terrible. ‘Glenda’ (international name: Rammasun) was one of the most stubborn typhoons we’ve had in years. It was that stubborn PAGASA almost changed its name to ‘Noynoy.’

Packing turbulent winds of up to 185 kph, Typhoon Glenda pummeled Metro Manila and Luzon. Roofs, trees, posts, and billboards fell. The President’s rating can relate.

Gigi
Dr. Anthony Lontoc of the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital (TPDH) says Gigi Reyes has “suicidal tendencies.” Filipinos are not convinced. They want her to prove it. Now na!

Lawyer Gigi Reyes has been brought back to Camp Bagong Diwa in Taguig from the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City. A series of separate tests at the Heart Center and TPDH showed similar results: she can act.

Deniece
As a sign of protest against the dismissal of her case against Vhong Navarro, detained model-wannabe Deniece Cornejo “slashed” her wrist. Your turn Gigi Reyes, your turn.

Just Married
In Mexico, a politician married a crocodile for good luck. In the Philippines, politicians don’t marry crocodiles. They ARE the crocodiles.

1111New Thor
Marvel will soon introduce a new Thor. And she’s a woman. Yes, the son of Odin will soon be transformed into a female character. The story begins with Thor’s visit to Thailand.

The new Thor will be a woman. Her enemies will never ever win – an argument against her.

Marvel has just announced that the new Thor will be a woman. Her superpowers include temper, unpredictability and moodswings.
——————————————————————————————————————–
“Pride is the mother of arrogance.”
~Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Sound Bites
“I am sure the people do not believe P-Noy stole or pocketed the money.”
~Sen. Sonny Angara on President Aquino’s defense and DAP

Video of the Week
Canadian rapper/songwriter Drake as Manny Pacquiao – HILARIOUS!

Poll Results
Tinanggihan ni Pangulong Aquino ang pagbibitiw ni Sec. Butch Abad. Kung ikaw ang kalihim…

-Igigiit ko pa rin ang pagbibitiw sa puwesto. 81.52%
-Mananatili ako sa puwesto dahil may tiwala pa rin ang pangulo. 10.9%
-Mag-iisip muna ako. Give me time. 7.58%

Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, BBC]





PANIC ATTACKS

12 07 2014

1EMMYS
THE 66th ANNUAL Primetime Emmy Awards nominations have been announced. For best drama series, ‘Game of Thrones’ got 19 nominations. In the acting category, Gigi Reyes got 20!

Senator Enrile’s ex-chief of staff Gigi Reyes was not able to attend her arraignment. She cited a history of Bell’s palsy seizure and coronary artery disease, and complained of chest pains, hypertension, headaches, difficulty in breathing, stiffening of hands and feet, fatigue, and palpitations. Attending physicians called it neurocirculatory asthenia. In layman’s terms, karma.

1Gigi
Gigi Reyes was not able to attend her arraignment. The hospital bulletin says Reyes lacks the appetite to eat and often gets dizzy – prompting Senator Enrile to issue a preemptive statement denying he’s the father.

This alleged plunderer spent less than five hours in jail. On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

1ABADRejected
Last Thursday, Budget Secretary Butch Abad offered to step down. However, President Aquino decided to reject the resignation. That was a bald decision, I mean bold.

Sec. Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad offered to resign. Had the President accepted it, there would only be eight Abads left in government.

Embattled Budget Secretary Butch Abad offered to quit his post. But President Aquino refused to let him go. Even Mrs. Henedina Abad was like, “Clingy much?!”

President Aquino has rejected the resignation of Budget Sec. Butch Abad. To be fair to Kris Aquino, she knows when to “graciously let go.”

Delicadeza
The Japanese politician who cried on TV while defending himself against allegations he pocketed people’s money has resigned. Too bad he’s not that close to the president.

The remorseful Japanese politician who was accused of corruption has resigned. When Jinggoy and Bong heard the news, they said, “’Buti na lang ‘di tayo Japanese.”

Happy
The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

Brownouts
Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Reports say a number of barangays in Makati City will experience power interruption. Residents are advised to be ready with abaniko. The Binays are advised to be ready for blackout-related jokes.

1AussieArrested
Robert Edward Musa Cerantonio, an Australian national with alleged links to Iraqi extremist group ISIS was arrested in Lapu-lapu City in Cebu. Authorities however began to suspect that Cerantonio was Filipino when he started to complain of anxiety attack and asked for a wheelchair.

Again, Cowards
Four (not one as initially reported) frat men who were tagged as suspects in the fatal hazing of Benilde sophomore student Guillo Cesar Servando have left the country. The suspects who decided to flee were members of the Tago Gamma Phi fraternity.
——————————————————————
“The law should be a shield for the weak and powerless, not a club for the powerful.”
~Roy Barnes, former governor of Georgia, USA

Sound Bites
“I have decided not to accept his resignation. To accept his resignation is to assign to him a wrong and I cannot accept the notion that doing right by our people is wrong.”
~President Aquino on Sec. Butch Abad

Poll Results
Susuportahan mo ba ang anumang impeachment move laban kay President Aquino?
-NO. 54.22%
-YES. 28.57%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 17.21%

UP Fight!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Television Academy, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Bloomberg.Com, Reuters. Herald Sun]





HYPOCRITES AND COWARDS

10 07 2014

THE PRIEST who humiliated an unwed, teenage mom during a baptismal ceremony in Mandaue City, Cebu has issued an apology. Fr. Romeo Obach apologized for his “rude attitude.” He admitted that the incident has taught him an important lesson: never allow the use of camera phones inside the church.

1Rector
A Catholic priest officiating a baptismal ceremony in Mandaue City was caught on video condemning the baby’s unwed mom. Berating the woman, Fr. Romeo Obach said, “You are shameless. You slept with a man who is not even your husband.” To protect her privacy, the woman was identified in some news reports only as “alias Kris Aquino.”

To the teenage mom’s relatives, Fr. Romeo Obach asked, “Is she being a good Christian? Will you spread your legs for a man you barely know?” It’s 2014 Father. You have no freakin’ idea!

Father Obach’s congregation, the Redemptorists of the Province of Cebu has denounced his “unacceptable act.” While the group considers Obach “a good missionary,” it has vowed to impose appropriate sanctions once the ongoing probe is completed. In punishing members and allies who commit mistakes, the Congregation wants to set a good example to parishioners, priests, and the Aquino administration!

1AGigi
The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

Lawyer Jessica Lucila ‘Gigi’ Reyes is now detained in a regular jail with hardened criminals. The once powerful and influential Senate chief of staff couldn’t believe these things are happening. She feels awful, horrible, and defeated. In short, Butch Abad.

Senator Enrile’s influential former chief of staff Gigi Reyes was ordered transferred to a regular jail for women in Bicutan. I heard she’s the 24th inmate.

Gigi Reyes is now in Bicutan, Taguig. That makes her Taguig’s 3rd senator.

Snubbed
Sen. JV Ejercito visited Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile in Camp Crame the other day. But the neophyte lawmaker did not visit his half-brother Jinggoy Estrada who’s also jailed in Camp Crame. Sources say JV opted to return to work instead of checking on a depressed Jinggoy. You know, business before pleasure.

Pre-trial
For his defense, Bong Revilla wants to present as witnesses President Aquino, former president Arroyo, Budget Sec. Butch Abad, Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales, Justice Sec. Leila De Lima, COA Chair Grace Pulido-Tan and his closest friends and supporters at GMA Network, among others. Star-studded! If all else fails, he’ll call Nardong Putik, Tiagong Akyat, Bertong Suklab, Tonyong Bayawak, Elias Paniki, Joaquin Bordado, Pepeng Kuryente and Pepeng Agimat to back him up.

Napoles
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles reportedly sent a note to the CBCP asking that she be taken into protective custody by the bishops. The CBCP didn’t take it seriously because the note was sent with a box of ensaymada.

Exclusive! The note sent by Napoles to the CBCP:

1JEN

World Cup
Everyone’s talking about Brazil’s heartbreaking and humiliating 1-7 loss to Germany in the semifinals of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Germany scored its first five goals in a span of only 19 minutes! Brazil’s defense was even worse than Malacañang’s defense of DAP.

At last, it’s the World Cup finals! Germany takes on Argentina. This 2014 World Cup has been going on for like almost a month! Yes, that long. In fact, when the first match of this World Cup started, Herbert Bautista was still in love with Kris Aquino.

When the first match of this World Cup started, Butch Abad’s DAP was “still” constitutional.

When the first match of this World Cup started, Imelda Marcos was only 84!

Wanted: Coward
One of the suspects in the death of hazing victim Guillo Cesar Servando of the College of St. Benilde has fled the country. Kevin John Navoa of the Tau Gamma Phi fraternity reportedly left in haste: no luggage, no clothes, and definitely, no balls!

1upUAAP
Season 77 of the UAAP officially begins on Saturday, July 12. Reports say prominent fans will be cheering for their favorites. There’s Vice Ganda for FEU; Mike Enriquez for DLSU, and Imelda Marcos for Ateneo.

Secret Wedding
Nine years ago on July 10, Kris Aquino and James Yap had a secret wedding at Boy Abunda’s home in Quezon City. His marriage to the Multimedia Queen confirmed suspicions that James was a masochist.
——————————————————————————————————
“Ah, you coward! Look at you, running.”
~Jonathan Stroud, Heroes of the Valley

Sound Bites
“These are the hypocrites of today – the ones who clericalize the church, who keep the people of God from salvation.”
~Pope Francis on priests who refuse to baptize children of unwed moms

#StopHazing

[Photos: Children of God Blog, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Kris Aquino IG, Solar Sports]





OF ARRESTS AND APOLOGIES

6 07 2014

SENATOR JUAN Ponce Enrile was arrested last Friday, July 4. The 90-year-old lawmaker underwent booking procedures at Camp Crame. His mugshots were taken and he was fingerprinted. However, booking photos were not released to the media. Instead, these were sealed in a box labeled ‘artifacts.’

1
Remember Enrile’s campaign slogan? He said, ‘Gusto ko happy ka!’ We all are now. Thanks!

Even before Senator Enrile left his Dasmariñas Village mansion, hordes of reporters were already waiting for him in Camp Crame. When he arrived, there was an ambush interview. Nope, it wasn’t fake or staged.

Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, the former senate president was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

2det
Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

Gigi Reyes is temporarily detained at the Sandiganbayan building. The powerful and influential “24th senator” reportedly broke down when she learned that the anti-graft court ordered that she be committed to a regular jail. What the hell did she expect: a love nest?

2detImelda and Ateneans
Photos of Ateneo students with former First Lady Imelda Marcos have gone viral. Imelda was the ‘guest of honor’ at a social event organized by the Ateneo Scholarship Foundation or ASF. The amused Ateneans even flashed the V-sign – a known Marcos hand gesture. Netizens could only cringe. Apparently, ASF scholars do not have units in Philippine history.

Amid mounting criticisms, the president of Ateneo De Manila University issued an apology. Fr. Jett Villarin also explained that young Ateneans were taught “not to forget the Martial Law years of oppression and injustice.” Based on that photo, yeah, those Ateneans did not forget. They did not know.

Hazing
The family of a hazing victim from UP will file charges against the involved fraternity – the prestigious Upsilon Sigma Phi. The victim who’s a minor is still confined at the St. Luke’s Medical Center. Upsilon has yet to issue an official denial, excuse me, official statement.

Remorseful
A Japanese politician accused of pocketing government funds became an Internet sensation when a video of him crying hysterically became viral. The politician decided to speak on national TV to deny the allegations – in a dramatic fashion. He was later identified as Ryutaro Revilla Jr.

Arrested
Former French President Nicholas Sarkozy was recently arrested and questioned over corruption allegations. Sarkozy surrendered quietly, saying he’s not after publicity; he’s not seeking public sympathy, and he’s not a Filipino politician.

Bike Thief
A 19-year-old resident of Makati City was arrested for his involvement in the alleged spate of motorcycle thefts in Barangay Rizal. The suspect identified as Erol Legazpi Bautista seeks public understanding saying he did it in ‘good faith.’

2detAttraction
Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.
———————————————————————————————–
“But, mark my words; someday she’ll get what’s coming to her. Karma’s a bigger bitch than she is.”
~ Kathleen Brooks

Pic of the Week
That headline and that photo. You are so wicked Philippine Star. I love that.
1

Sound Bites
“I did [ask Dad] at dineny niya sa akin. Wala daw siyang ninakaw na halagang maski piso daw po.”
~Jack Enrile

“The guiding spirit of frats in our culture is “walang iwanan,” not in the sense that Gawad Kalinga uses it, which is not to leave behind the biblical “least of our brethren,” but in the sense of not abandoning a ritual brother right or wrong, guilty or innocent, malevolent or decent.”
~Conrado De Quiros, Mark of Cain

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler,  @KassyDoodle, ANC, @FakeJakeShakes/PhilStar]





IMELDA, NORA, VILMA, KRISTETA AND GOOD FAITH

4 07 2014

LAST JULY 2, former First Lady, and now Ilocos Norte Rep. Imelda Marcos turned 85 – Or as Enrile would say, ‘young!’

1IM
On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

According to Imelda, she had seen the “worst, worst, worst” in life. That’s what happens when you spend so much time in front of the mirror.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

To mark her 85th birthday, Imelda visited the refrigerated body of her husband, Ferdinand Marcos. When she planted a kiss on the glass coffin though, he gave her the cold shoulder.

On her birthday, former First Lady Imelda Marcos dramatically planted a kiss on her husband’s glass coffin. She then waxed poetic about the late dictator.

2IM
Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Surrounded by her loyal supporters, Mrs. Marcos was crowned with flowers on her birthday. That tribute was moving. Her face wasn’t.

Hazing
The College of St. Benilde sophomore who was killed during a hazing ritual has been cremated. Meanwhile, a UP student – yet another hazing victim is reportedly in the ICU of St. Luke’s Medical Center right now. As expected, some fratmen are defending their “brods” saying hazing is a tradition that will eventually benefit the neophytes; they only want the best for them. In the words of palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda, “good faith.”

DAP
The Supreme Court has ruled that the Abad Aquino administration’s Disbursement Acceleration Program was unconstitutional and therefore, illegal. What did Malacanang say? “DAP was used to accelerate projects to help benefit the country and our countrymen. DAP was used for noble projects that benefited the people.” These were the exact words of palace spokesman Edwin Machiavelli.

Award!
Militant party-list group Gabriela gave Nora Aunor an”Artista ng Bayan” award for her “exemplary performance” in the 1976 film ‘Minsa’y Isang Gamu-gamo,’ a movie that was critical of American military presence in the Philippines. When told of the award, the Superstar instructed her secretary to draft a ‘Thank You’ note which she plans to give Gabriela in 2052.

Amid the National Artist debate, militant party-list group Gabriela on Friday gave Nora Aunor an award for her “exemplary performance” in the 1976 movie, ‘Minsa’y Isang Gamu-gamo.’ In other news, PETA has lambasted Steven Spielberg for depicting animal cruelty in his 1975 thriller ‘Jaws.’

1vGovernor Vi
Some people are being mean to Batangas Governor Vilma Santos. They are mocking her grammatical lapses in a note sent to Kris Aquino. She misspelled the world ‘truly.’ Governor Vi has since apologized and admitted she was a former Starbucks barista.

Kris Aquino has also said sorry to Governor Vi. The TV host explained she posted the ‘Thank You’ note in ‘good faith.’ Kris is now the frontrunner for the post of palace spokesperson.

LaBeouf
A drunk Shia LaBeaouf was recently arrested for disrupting a Broadway musical. The good news is the 28-year-old actor is getting treatment for alcohol addiction. The bad news is he won’t win a National Artist award.
—————————————————————————-
“There are always rules to bend; Laws to break.”
~Abdelrahman Ashraf Abuzied

121
Soundbites
“I’ve said it before, I say it again now. It is stupid, katangahan and kabobohan to allow your body to be beaten to a pulp by so-called brothers who had you convinced they will care for you the rest of your life. Our young are falling prey to and are being devoured by their quest for power via a brotherhood that is fake.”
~Ma. Ceres P. Doyo, Frat torturers and their victims are weaklings

“I’ve never been unfaithful.”
~Former senator Kiko Pangilinan when asked by ‘Walang Pasaway’ host Mareng Winnie Monsod if he ever cheated on Sharon Cuneta

“Yes! I have cancer. Now I am entering another dimension of human life.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
FRASNaughty
He is a high-profile politician; married with children.
He projects a ‘loyal to my wife’ image.
He is not a womanizer.
Unimpeachable sources: “Well, he’s really not a womanizer ‘cause he prefers men.”
He would take his conquest abroad, far from the madding Filipino crowd.
And he’d call him ‘babe.’
Sweet.

Clue? ‘Wag na lang. Sakyan na lang natin ang hilig niya.

HAVE A ROMANTIC WEEKEND!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Philippine Daily Inquirer Kris Aquino IG, Carlo Osi]





SPECIAL TREATMENT

1 07 2014

1Senseless
AN 18-year-old student of the College of St. Benilde died due to fraternity hazing Saturday night. Malacañang has vowed to take swift action on the case athough nothing could be swifter than Tau Gamma Phi members fleeing the crime scene.

The grieving father of the hazing victim said his son wanted to back out but members of the Tau Gamma Phi Fraternity threatened to kill him if he’d quit. They did anyway.

1Nobel Prize
Rumors say the government is lobbying for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for President Aquino. Noranians are hoping he gets snubbed.

On Tuesday, President Aquino admitted that he rejected the nomination of Nora Aunor for National Artist because of her drug conviction. Hi Mr. President, Year 2005 called. Mag-move on ka na raw!

Special Treatment
Detained lawmakers Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have reportedly violated rules on visitation. Insiders reveal the PNP Custodial Center is allowing it. New Bilibid Prison officials slammed the head of the Custodial Center for his lack of originality.

Rappler reported that food was never a problem for the alleged plunderers. Unconfirmed reports say prison guards allow visitors to throw meat or live chicken toward them.

Suspension
Aside from Jinggoy Estrada’s suspension, government prosecutors are also asking the anti-graft court to suspend Bong Revilla from the Senate. If he gets suspended, Revilla won’t be able to work as a senator – if at all.

Arraigned
Jinggoy Estrada was arraigned Monday on charges of plunder and 11 counts of graft. The senator entered a plea of “not Sexy.”

1ongSandiganbayad
Associate Justice Gregory Ong of the Sandiganbayan is facing dismissal for allegedly fixing a case that benefited pork barrel queen Janet Napoles in 2010 and receiving millions of pesos in return. He definitely puts the ‘gory’ in Gregory.

When asked about a photo of him with Janet Napoles and Jinggoy Estrada, Sandiganbayan Associate Justice Gregory Ong said he did not know that it was Napoles in the picture. Even Janet Napoles was like, “Ulol!”

Black Propaganda
UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco is in the news again. This time, he is talking about yet another alleged demolition job against Vice President Binay. The demolition job, he says, will attempt to link the Vice President to the controversial Disbursement Acceleration Program or DAP. Binay is not worried – but he appreciates Tiangco’s efforts to get media mileage.

I am in awe of this Toby Tiangco. He outscoops every single journalist all the time when it comes to alleged this and alleged that. He’s the Kit Tatad of his generation.

11Kris, Again
On Sunday, presidential sister Kris Aquino spoke at length about her failed romance with Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista. Her monologue was likened to a State of the Nation Address. There were no accomplishments to trumpet.

“I had to learn that love endures, that love forgives, that love can actually be quiet, love can be selfless, it doesn’t blame no matter how much you’re hurting. Love doesn’t look for revenge and love has no regrets,” Kris explained. After which, she revealed that she’s the new spokesperson for Hallmark Cards.

Admitting that she “truly loved” Herbert Bautista, presidential sister Kris Aquino said, true love lets go “graciously.” And on nationwide TV.

Kris Aquino revealed that Herbert Bautista broke her heart. But she wants to still be friends with him. And she is not angry. And for the first time, she did not cry on TV. And she wants him to be happy. And she hopes for the best for him. And she won’t forget the mayor because he taught her “how to love unconditionally.” Also, because he visited and said sorry to Bimby – and that meant a lot to her. In short, this is not yet over people. You’ve been warned.

Child Abuse
In the news a few weeks back was Cebu Puericulture Center and Maternity House – where a newborn baby boy’s mouth was “taped” by a nurse to prevent him from crying. The latest: both camps have agreed to settle. The mom accepted compensation, and the maternity house offered to do something good for the community – specifically, put a surgical tape on Kris Aquino’s mouth.
———————————————————————————————
“Sometimes, loneliness makes the loudest noise.”
~Aaron Ben-Ze’ev

Sound Bites
“Wala pala talagang somewhere down the road para sa inyo and you can’t stop crying because ‘yong future na inakala mo, ‘yong pinagdarasal mo, that future that kept you going, that dream just disappears.”
~Kris Aquino

“We are going to pursue all those people who are instrumental in the heinous murder of this particular individual. This should not continue.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda on the death of a CSB student due to hazing

Poll Results
Sakaling ipag-utos ng Sandiganbayan ang pag-aresto kay Enrile, ano ang nararapat sa kanya?

-Camp Crame Detention Facility 80.46%
-Hospital Arrest 11.4%
-House Arrest 8.14%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNP, Rappler, The Buzz]





ILLICIT AFFAIRS, 2016 AND OTHER STORIES

28 06 2014

WE’RE HALFWAY through 2014 and in keeping with this blog’s tradition, I compiled some of my favorite posts from the first six months of the year. In case you missed them…
1ts
Enrile’s Affairs
Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie Monsod that her husband, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile had 38 different affairs. Yup, 38! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Upon her return, Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Untitled2016
Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Liberal Party stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

Malacañang clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

1.1 oBAMAPresidents
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

Criminals
Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

napolesSick
Janet Lim-Napoles was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Healing Priest
Newspaper reports revealed the alleged lavish lifestyle of popular “healing priest” Fernando Suarez. But Suarez has denied the allegation. The Inquirer reported that several bishops have shunned Suarez “because his healing ministry had turned out to be a moneymaking venture.” Apparently, the bishops hate competition.

1B
Flesh-Eating
#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

Punished
In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

1d
Entertainment
Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. He believes that the character Elsa could be homosexual since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.

1cap
A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.

Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!

Moral of the Story: Don’t drink and Anne.

1dOverseas
In Nicaragua… A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”
————————————————————————————–
“Politicians as a class are dangerous. People who are seeking power over us are not, by definition, our friends.”
~James Bovard

Sound Bites
“The President has every right to do this if the nominee is undeserving. But Nora Aunor deserves the award and by denying her this honor, the President displays his incapacity to appreciate excellence.”
~F. Sionil Jose

Have a good weekend and an even better month of July!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News]





OF RATS, COCKROACHES AND LAWMAKERS

25 06 2014

THE SANDIGANBAYAN is apparently taking more time studying Juan Ponce Enrile’s case. To avoid delays in coming up with a ruling, the anti-graft court divided the Enrile documents into three: Paleolithic, Mesolithic and Neolithic.

Once arrested, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile will undergo booking procedures including mugshot taking, fingerprinting and carbon dating.

1JPE
If Enrile is arrested, President Aquino says the courts should consider his advanced age. Enrile loyalists are talking about house arrest or hospital arrest. Outraged taxpayers prefer cardiac arrest.

Juan Ponce Enrile is probably familiar with life in jail. He was detained for rebellion 24 years ago when he was just an old man.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes says Enrile should not be placed in a regular detention cell because old men (like JPE) have “special needs.” And Gigi Reyes was like, “I know, right?”

Some police officials say the PNP Custodial Center could get too hot for Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Related: Warm temperature hastens decomposition.

Beleaguered senator Juan Ponce Enrile says, “I will fight for the truth as long as I breathe.” You mean he’s still alive?

Reports say Enrile will bring a Nelson Mandela book to jail. In fact, supporters are comparing him with the South African leader. Mandela was a statesman, Enrile is a statesman. Mandela was jailed, Enrile was also jailed. Mandela had three wives; Enrile had three lives.

1jeCrame Chronicles
Jinggoy Estrada surrendered to authorities on Monday, June 23. In Camp Crame, PNP medical personnel took his vital signs. They were “essentially normal” — 76 beats per minute; 110 over 70, and 34-22-33.

Supporters of Jinggoy Estrada expressed their support for the embattled actor-politician by wearing shirts marked: “It might be stormy now, but the sun will shine again.” To which, the sun said, “I’m not really sure.”

Crame Chronicles II
Reports say Bong Revilla spotted rats and cockroaches inside his detention cell in Camp Crame. In a shocking turn of events, the rats and cockroaches staged a rally to protest the PNP’s decision to accommodate more pests in the facility.

Bong Revilla reported seeing “rats as big as cats.” Not to be outdone, the rats reported seeing “crocodiles as tall as humans.”

Bong Revilla has been complaining of migraine because of the heat inside his detention cell. His wife, Lani Mercado says, “Kailangan ng hangin sa loob.” The PNP acted swiftly: they sent Jinggoy in.

1LaniBoycott
Following her husband’s arrest, Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado vowed not to attend President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address in July. Yes, she’s boycotting the event – or as Paul Cabral would call it, “lost income.”

Congresswoman Lani Mercado will boycott the joint session of Congress next month. When they heard this, the skeletons of Claro M. Recto and Jose W. Diokno couldn’t stop laughing and said, “As if!”

Working Visit
President Aquino was in Japan last Tuesday for a peace forum. He sought Tokyo’s advice on how to deal with disputes, China, and Nora Aunor fans.

National Artist
Of the six National Artist nominees submitted by the search committee, President Aquino chose only five, and junked award-winning actress Nora Aunor. Sources say Ate Guy was snubbed because of ‘morality’ issues. And Kris Aquino reacted, “‘Buti na lang ‘di ako mahusay na artist.”

1NA
For his apparent snub of the country’s ‘Superstar,’ the President was heavily criticized, lambasted, and ridiculed – prompting Kris Aquino to speak out and declare that his brother is not a pig.

Pac Them
The Pasay City RTC ordered Cebu Pacific to pay 2 million pesos in damages to a passenger who was barred from taking her flight due to psoriasis, a non-communicable, non-infectious skin disease. Netizens hailed the ruling but expressed fear that Cebu Pacific’s payment will be delayed.

Goodbye Miami?
LeBron James has decided to opt out of his contract with the Miami Heat. The guy used to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers. He could be playing for either the Rockets or the Bulls next season. LeBron James is the Loren Legarda of the NBA.
——————————————————————————————-
“Every society has the criminals it deserves.”
~Emma Goldman, Red Emma Speaks

Sound Bites
“Senator Revilla is not on vacation at Camp Crame. Spending time in detention is not supposed to be like a hotel accommodation.”
~Philippine National Police

“The mere fact na makukulong na naman ako, tumatayo ng balahibo ko e. Iniisip ko ang mga anak ko.”
~Jinggoy Estrada

“I believe they’ll just have to man up. They have to make up their minds if they want to fight this through, play out that role as innocent men being subjects of injustice, or they’re just playing the role of guilty men who will use every loophole in the legal system to get out of this. So they have to make up their minds.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes’s advice to Jinggoy and Bong

Elsewhere
This is just moving. Dying man marries his girlfriend in the hospital. Ten hours later, he said goodbye.

Poll Results
Sang-ayon ka ba sa desisyon ng Commission on Higher Education na alisin ang pagtuturo ng Filipino sa kolehiyo?
-NO 60.53%
-YES 31.58%
-Wala akong pakialam. Hindi ako apektado.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE LAWMAKER AND THE SNATCHER

21 06 2014

Journeys to Jail

0
Snatcher
Inakusahang nanghablot ng kwintas ng isang ale; halaga ng kwintas: halos P10,000
Senador
Inakusahang nagbulsa ng pera ng taumbayan; ang kabuuang halaga: P224.5M

Snatcher
Hinabol, tinugis, nakipaghabulan sa pulis
Senador
Tumawag sa chief of police; nakipag-usap tungkol sa pagsuko.

Snatcher
Pumasok sa mataong palengke; hinubad ang suot na t-shirt para ‘di makilala; nagpasikut-sikot, feeling action star ang pucha.
Senador
Nagpa-presscon. Nagsuot ng t-shirt: ‘Kakampi ko si Lord. Walang kokontra.’ Umiyak. Ang action star, nag-drama. (Pucha!)

Snatcher
Inabutan ng humahabol, tiklo! Nasampal pa. O, gago.
Senador
Nahirapang sumakay sa SVU. Ang dami kasing fans na gusto siyang makita. Magkabila ang hilera ng tao sa kalsada. Na-insecure ang Papa sa Roma.

Snatcher
Kinuyog ng taumbayan. Sinipa, dinuraan, sinuntok, sinikmuraan. Duguan. Snatcher kasi.
Senador
Dinumog ng reporters at mga tagahanga sa Sandiganbayan. Pinagpawisan. Maraming kinilig. Artista kasi.

Snatcher
Pinosasan. Kinaladkad patungo sa nanlilimahid na presinto. Hindi ka sikat. ‘Wag nang choosy.
Senador
Nag-file ng motion para makapamili ng detention facility. Siyempre, dapat malinis at cozy.

Snatcher
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Wasak ang mukha. Halos ‘di makilala.
Senador
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Fresh na fresh. Naka-smile pa. Pucha.

MUGSHOTS
Snatcher
Diretso sa seldang pang-apatang preso, pero ang laman, disiotso.
Senador
Diretso sa bagong renovate na seldang tila unit ng condo. Solo!

Snatcher
Deadma kahit mala-sardinas ang kondisyon.
Senador
Biglang nagka-migraine, tumaas daw ang presyon. [Pucha!]

Snatcher
Nakatulog sa sobrang gutom.
Senador
May libreng food! Pritong bangus at ginisang munggo. Boom!

Snatcher
Umiyak ang asawa; paano na raw sila kakain ngayon?
Senador
Umiyak ang asawa… pero ‘di bale, nakatira pa rin naman sila sa mansyon.

Snatcher
Nag-isip-isip. Ang masamang ginawa, ‘di na raw uulitin.
Senador
Nag-isip-isip. Tuloy ang plano: Bong for President sa 2016.

[Pucha!]

Top 8 Movie Projects Rejected By Bong Revilla

No. 8: You’ve Got Jail

No. 7: Kakabakaba Ka Bong?

No. 6: Crame and Punishment

No. 5: Meet the Porkers

No. 4: Bukas Luluhod ang mga Talo

No. 3: Eat, Pray, Rob

No. 2: Live Free or Lie Hard

And the No. 1 movie project rejected by Bong Revilla…

Man of Steal
—————————————————————————-
“Treasures gained by wickedness do not profit.”
~Proverbs 10:2

Sound Bites
“Lalabas ang katotohanan at maaabswelto tayo dito.”
~Bong Revilla, Imus, Cavite 6.19.2014

“We’re accomplishing what some people said was a near impossible task: to have these big personalities who are perceived as untouchable finally prosecuted.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Have a great weekend Filipino taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ANC, Rappler, PNP]





WRECKING BONG

18 06 2014

IF KRISSY had written and delivered the speech of Bong Revilla, it would have been like this. Probably.

1CB
“HELLLLLO! I’m so happy to see you all. Promise. I’m so touched. As in!

Unang-una, sa mga supporters ko outside the Senate who are making sigaw and all, I like you naaa. Love n’yo ‘ko talagaaa. In fairness sa inyo huh – gumastos pa talaga kayo sa pamasahe from Cavite to the Senate para lang ipakitang love n’yo ‘ko. O, ba’t nakataas ang kilay mo Senator TG? I hate you! Sige na nga, I’ll admit it na. I paid for their transpo plus lunch and two sets of merienda. Gosh! I’m so honest na talaga. Feeling ko hindi ako si Bong aha-ha-ha.

Just so you know, I wrote two speeches for today. ‘Yong isa, I’ll make banat and sira Abad, Alcala, and President Aquino’s other kakampi. You know, damay-damay din, meron namang time. Sa other version, bait-baitan muna ako. Mas bet ko actually ‘yong una. Kaya lang, pagdating ko rito, sabi ni Lani, “Pa, tama na. Last mo na ‘yan so ‘wag nang masyadong nega.” Alam mo naman ‘pag si Kumander na ang nagsalita, follow na lang ako. So heto na nga, version 2 ang babasahin ko sa inyo.

Makinig ka President Aquino! First, gusto kitang i-remind na two years ka na lang sa office. Thank God! As in thank God! So ka ‘wag nang masyadong stubborn, ok? Heto ang advice ko sa ‘yo:

Pababain ang crime rate.

Pakainin ang mga poor.

Bigyan ng matitirhan ang victims ng typhoon.

Ayusin ang service sa NAIA.

Ipagamot ang mga less fortunate na may sakit.

Create more jobs… as in maraming, marami. Mga millions of trabaho.

And pababain ang presyo ng bilihin.

There! I’m sure, ine-nega mo na naman ako at sasabihing grandmotherhood statements ang mga sinabi ko. Care bears! Ang importante, gets ako ng mga loyal supporters ko. ‘Tsaka please lang Noy, tama na ang siraan, tama na ang sisihan. Love, love, love na lang!

Oh, before I forget, kayong mga nasa media, you’re so unfair! Wala na kayong nakita kundi kami nina Manong Johnny at Pareng Jinggoy. Paano naman ‘yong iba? Kami lang ba ang nagnakaw? Nakakaloka kayo!

Mr. President, bago ako magtapos, meron muna akong list. As promised, bonggang-bonggang list ito! Kumpleto at walang cover up!

1bb
Una sa list si Lord. Kung wala ka Lord, baka bumigay na ako sa sobrang stress. Kaya lang, bakit gano’n Lord? Nagpunta na ako sa Jerusalem to pray pero deadma ka pa rin? Hay naku Lord, ayaw ko ng ganyan. ‘Pag napikon ako sa ‘yo Lord, tatanggapin ko ang offer ng kalaban mo. Ikaw rin. Don’t test me! Lord.

Pangalawa… my wives, excuse me, my wife pala. Singular. Aha-ha-ha Ma, thanks ulit for the love and patience kahit may kahati ka. Joooke! Tandaan mo, kahit ‘di ka beauty queen, reyna ka pa rin sa bahay natin. Todo na ‘to to the highest level! Aha-ha-ha!

And lastly, to some of my colleagues…

Senator Jinggoy: Iba ka talaga friendship. ‘Yong iba, ‘di pa nakukulong, ikaw naman, makakadalawa na. Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha

Senator Chiz: I heard, ‘di pa kayo ok ng parents ni Heart. ‘Buti nga! Bigla raw akong na-sad. I’ll pray for you. Promise.

Senator TG: Ayokong maging plastic. Hate na hate kita!

Senator Alan Peter: Isa ka pa! Tseh!

Senator Nancy: ‘Dinig ko kay Darla, ikaw raw ang sunod na ipapasok sa Bahay ni Kuya. Nude painting ang task at pupuwersahin ka. Kaloka.

Senator Miriam: Hay naku. Absent ka na naman.

Senator JV: Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo at sa kapatid mong si Jinggoy: Pwede bang mag-diet kayo?

Senate President Drilon: Ikaw rin!

Senator Bam: Wala lang. ‘Di pa tayo close.

To Vice President Binay: Malapit na po ang halalan. Pwede naman akong mag-slide sa VP kung kinakailangan. Alam mo na!

To former President Arroyo, maraming salamat ma’am for being my mentor. Grabe talaga, I learned a lot from you. Seryoso!

To Jenny Napoles… be strong. Two years lang naman ang kalbaryo natin. After 2016, keri nang lahat Mare. I miss you naaa.

Senator Lapid: My gosh, Leon Guerrero, I can’t believe it. Makukulong ako ‘tapos ikaw, hindi? Grabe. ‘Di ko talaga kinakaya. I hope you’re next. Ang bad ko ‘noh? Aha-ha-ha

Senator Enrile: I admire your courage Manong. Sabi mo kasi you’re not afraid na makulong for the rest of your life. Of course! At your age?!? Aha-ha-ha!

Thank you nga rin pala sa mga showbiz reporters na never nang-iwan sa akin. Sa susunod na presscon… don’t you all worry… doble na ang sobre. Joooke!

At sa mahigit dalawampung milyong bumoto sa akin, I love you all. Sobra. Bongga kayo. We so deserve each other!

‘Wag kayong mag-alala, babalik ako. Hellller! Siyempre, may eleksyon pa ‘noh! Need ko pa rin ang votes n’yo! Kaya babalik ako!

Before I end, may surprise nga pala ako. Dahil tinanggihan ako sa ASAP, dito ko na lang ilo-launch ang aking bagong single and music video. It’s called, ‘Wrecking Bong.’ Believe it or not, ako ang sumulat nito. ‘Di kayo naniniwala? Fine. Eh ‘di hindi. Madali naman akong kausap. Pero ako mismo ang kumanta nito. Promise. This is about the pork barrel scam.  Malinis ang aking conscience kaya ‘di ako apektado ng lyrics. Tamaan na ang dapat tamaan. Basta, I am innocent!

Sweetheart, ready na ba ang ‘yong panyo? Maiiyak ka sa ginawa ‘kong ito. And I’m sure, our viewers too! Lights off please. Sana po magustuhan n’yo.

WRECKING BONG

We lie, we steal, we keep our pork
We take never asking why
We sign, she gives projects to us
A scheme no one could deny

Don’t you ever say, you would walk away
If you’re offered that sum
Don’t say no, just try; take the cash and smile
Lie, if Benhur names you.

Chorus
I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who always hit Abad, PNoy
All I wanted was to break their balls
But they used De Lima to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me

I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who really hates kalbong PNoy
All I wanted was to break his balls
But he used Conchita to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me.

-End of Speech-

KrisPlea
On his looming arrest due to non-bailable pork-related charges, Bong Revilla said, “Huwag naman sana tayong babuyin.” That was punny. [I hope he's aware of it.]

House Arrest
Both Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla who have repeatedly told the media they were ready to go to jail are now seeking (house) mansion arrest. If granted, that would be bad news – for ‘No. 2′ (if any).

UP Fight!
On June 18, 1908, the University of the Philippines was founded through Act No. 1870 of the Philippine Assembly. UP is now 106 years old – or as Gigi Reyes would say, “Pwede pa!”

Movie Trivia
Forty years ago, Ramon Revilla Sr. made this movie.
1CB
Prophetic.
——————————————————————————————————-
“We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ‘em plenty of publicity.”
~Will Rogers

Sound Bites
“Strictly speaking, walang legal impediment sa gan’yan. The matter is actually addressed to his sense of delicadeza.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Bong Revilla’s presidential plan for 2016

Poll Results
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pagkakatalaga kay Manny Pacquiao bilang head coach sa PBA?
-I died. Lahat na lang pinasok?!? My gulay. 78.75%
-Why not? Mahilig naman sa basketball ‘yan. 11.56%
-Wala ‘yang alam sa pagku-coach ng professional basketball team. 9.69%

Justice for all taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino and Abunda Tonight, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





THICK-FACED

16 06 2014

1bb
THE NEW LEADER of al-Qaeda, Egyptian Ayman al-Zawahiri is the world’s most wanted man today. In the Philippines, the most wanted list includes retired Gen. Jovito Palparan; former Palawan Gov. Joel Reyes and his brother, Mario; former congressman Ruben Ecleo, and Bong Revilla’s speechwriter.

According to Bong Revilla, he had actually prepared two speeches last week: one attacking the Aquino administration and another calling for unity. He chose the second, and he succeeded. Everyone was united in mocking him.

Bong Revilla revealed that he had prepared two speeches last week. Yes, he did prepare two: one attacking the administration, and another attacking our sensibilities.

1tsIncompetent
On Independence Day, President Aquino, without naming names, took a swipe at incompetent singers, dancers, and actors in politics. The next day Bong Revilla reacted. Confirmed.

Tagle’s Take
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle says government officials who steal public funds are “thick-faced” and “insensitive.” In a joint statement, lawmakers insisted, “We’re not thick-faced and we’re not insensitive.”

Heckler
During the Independence Day celebration in Naga City, President Aquino was speaking when a 19-year-old leftist student from Ateneo De Naga interrupted him. The President felt so strange because whenever someone interrupts him, it’s usually Kris Aquino.

Reprimanded
An infuriated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un personally reprimanded his country’s weathermen for their failure to predict the weather. Kim Jong Un’s action was lauded by his top aides, his bodyguards, and President Aquino.

1MCAnti-Loneliness
Have you heard about Japan’s anti-loneliness café? According to CNN, the Moomin House Cafe seats solo diners with stuffed animal companions called ‘Moomins.’ The ‘anti-loneliness’ concept was such a hit, it will soon be adapted by other cities, countries, and Malacañang.1RRFather’s Day
June 15 was Father’s Day. It was a tiring day for Ramon Revilla Sr. who had to open 72 gifts.

Best-Seller
John Green’s novel, ‘The Fault In Our Stars,’ which was recently made into a movie, is a certified best-seller even in the Philippines mainly because of its relatable plot. ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ tells the story of an actor who wanted to augment his income by joining politics.

1VVWorld Cup
The FIFA World Cup opened earlier this week. Vuvuzelas are selling like hotcakes again. In case you didn’t know, vuvuzelas are plastic and produce a loud, annoying sound. That explains its more popular name: mother-in-law.

1IMSeparated?
Former presidential daughter Jackie Ejercito and businessman Beaver Lopez have reportedly called it quits. Tabloid reports say Jackie is having an affair with Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno. The vice mayor has denied the allegation saying, “May asawa na ako.” To which, Bong Revilla reacted, “Eh ano naman?!”

NBA Champs
The San Antonio Spurs claimed the 2014 NBA championship with a masterful win over the Miami Heat, 104-87 in Game 5. As expected, LeBron James is being criticized on social media. When asked for comment, he replied, “Sorry sa mga netizens na na nagalit, pero ang performance ko ay para talaga sa masa at sa mahigit dalawampung milyong fans na naniniwala sa akin.”

1aa
After the humiliating loss, LeBron lambasted his teammates on Twitter, and said, ““Dati rati kinakatakutan ang team na ‘to at iniilagan pero ngayon lahat ng team gusto kami ang kalaban kasi mga tamad and sobrang lambot. Let me tell you guys: kahit si Phil Jackson pa ang mag-coach sa ganitong team, hindi pa rin mananalo sa finals. Walang mga puso kung maglaro. Wala! Wala! Wala!”

The Miami Heat’s quest for a three-peat has ended. Winter has come. Game of Dethroned.

Just Married
Veteran actress Boots Anson-Roa and lawyer King Rodrigo got married last Saturday, June 14. She is 69 and he is 75. What’s your excuse?
—————————————————————————
“I would rather be a little nobody than to be an evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

“Papaano tayo makakatakbo kung nakakulong tayo? Pero malay mo, for the first time nakakulong pero nanalo pa.”
~Bong Revilla on running for president in 2016

Elsewhere
Gina Apostol: Listening to Bong Revilla is worse than cancer
Randy David: The unbearable privilege of pettiness

Just So You Know

1DEPED

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate, Clip Art, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star]





OF PRIVILEGE SPEECHES, SEX VIDEOS AND HEARTBREAK

12 06 2014

IN A PRIVILEGE SPEECH last Wednesday, Jinggoy Estrada repeated, “Hindi ako magnanakaw.” Filipinos reiterated, “Hindi kami naniniwala.”

1J
Addressing his four children, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Janella, Jolo, Julian at Jill, lagi ninyong tatandaan ang mga pangaral ko sa inyo: magkaroon kayo ng takot sa Diyos.” And his children replied, “You first.”

As expected, Jinggoy Estrada accused investigating agencies and the media of being “selective.” He then identified some politicians who allegedly misused their PDAF too – officially making him the kamikaze of pork barrel scam. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Unlike his close friend Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada neither sang nor played a music video during his privilege speech. He annoyed his critics by his mere presence.

Jinggoy Estrada’s lawyer says the prosecution won’t be able to show proof that he got P183 million in pork barrel kickbacks. In other news, probers can’t also show proof that MH370 crashed. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Jinggoy’s wife Precy, his sister Jackie, and brother Jude were also present in the Senate to support him. Jinggoy expressed sadness that he and his wife wouldn’t be able to celebrate their next anniversary together. To which Jackie Ejercito-Lopez said, “Kami rin.”

Untitled#BongPanis
After getting flak from netizens for his histrionics last Monday, Bong Revilla clarified that his music video was produced not for the offended netizens but for some 20 million people who voted him into office. In his defense, Revilla wasn’t insulting the intelligence of those 20 million Filipinos. He was assuming they didn’t have any.

To be fair to Bong Revilla, after his controversial speech, he did apologize to netizens. Here’s hoping that the next apology will be directed at taxpayers.

According to Malacañang’s own research team, 99.93 percent of online comments on the privilege speech were posted by Bong haters. The rest were posted by Bong’s composer and lyricist.

Malacañang said 99.93 percent of comments from 2,751 online respondents were anti-Bong Revilla. This begs the question, “May time pa talagang magbasa at magbilang ang Malacañang?!”

Shots Fired
In an apparent swipe at Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada and probably ER Ejercito, President Aquino, in his Independence Day address, said Filipinos should vote for genuine leaders NOT actors, singers or dancers. In this day and age, how can you tell the difference?

Sex Video
Reports say Sandra Cam is threatening to release a purported sex video of Justice Sec. Leila De Lima. What is wrong with this Sandra Cam? Who gave her the idea that we wanted to see Leila De Lima in a sex video?

LEILAKris, Again
While the whole nation was talking about Bong’s and Jinggoy’s rants, Kris Aquino took to Instagram to announce that she’s heartbroken. Nice try. Ok, back to the speeches…

PBB All Out
The MTRCB has ordered reality show ‘Pinoy Big Brother All In’ to issue an apology for its controversial ‘nude painting’ episode, earlier described by Sen. Pia Cayetano as an “assault to the dignity of women” and by Sen. Nancy Binay as an “irresponsible and insensitive act.” On Wednesday night, the producers apologized but insisted that the ‘nude painting’ task was just a test of convictions, values, and ratings.

‘Pinoy Big Brother’ has apologized for its ‘nude painting’ episode. The show should also apologize for triggering its viewers’ inner jejemon.

I’ve always barred my nieces from watching PBB. There’s something about that program that makes me cringe. The ‘masa’ viewers like it though. PBB is the Bong Revilla of TV shows.
——————————————————————————————–
“No one believes a liar. Even when he’s telling the truth.”
~Sara Shepard, ‘Heartless’

Sound Bites
“Kung mayroon man akong hindi napaligaya sa aking privilege speech, tayo ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa kanila. Iyong awitin na iyon ay inihandog ko sa 20 milyong kataong sumuporta sa akin.”
~Bong Revilla to critics

“I reviewed the video of the speech on YouTube, and read the text twice to get a sense of where it was going. But I could not comprehend the speech’s basic thrust. Its tone was alternately accusatory and conciliatory. It sounded serious in some parts, struggling to rise above the shallow emotions, the clichés, and the air of righteousness that pervaded it. But in the end it drowned in its own pettiness, accompanied by the funereal strains of a maudlin farewell song.”
~Prof. Randy David, “The unbearable privilege of pettiness”

“Hindi natin kailangan ng magaling bumigkas ng script, mahusay sumayaw o kumanta. Pananagutan nating mag-iwan ng mas makatarungan at mas maunlad na Pilipinas kaysa ating dinatnan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day speech

Poll Results
Ninety years old na si Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Dapat pa rin ba siyang arestuhin at i-detain sa Camp Crame?

-Oo naman! The law is the law. 89.79%
-Huwag na lang. House arrest na lang. 6.54%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 3.66%

Happy Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @PhilStarNews, Rappler, Kris Aquino's IG]





THE SINGING B (ANAK NG TETENG II)

9 06 2014

Untitled2
BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

1JB
According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Untitled
Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Krissy
Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

11Anti-Corrupt
A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
————————————————————————————
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews' Tricia De Leon]





LEAKED: THE PRIVILEGE SPEECH 2

7 06 2014

ON MONDAY, Bong Revilla is scheduled to deliver yet another privilege speech. Last night, alleged portions of the speech were leaked online. Here are some excerpts from the original draft.

00
12: “Unang-una, gusto kong magpahayag ng suporta sa One Direction at sa kanilang mga fans. Sa One Directioners, tulungan n’yong mag-trend ang speech ko ngayong hapon. Please lang.”

11: “Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin kay Ms Rosa Rosal dahil ang tema ng aking talumpati ay hango sa pamagat ng kanyang programa – Damayan. Makukulong din lang ako, eh ‘di damay-damay na.”

10: “Sana’y nanonood ngayong hapon sina Budget Sec. Butch Abad at Agriculture Sec. Proceso Alcala. Kayo ang bida rito.”

9: “Mas pinili kong magsalita kaysa manahimik ngayong hapon dahil malamang sa hindi, ito na ang aking huling privilege speech. Mami-miss ko ‘to, promise.”

8: “Nang magtalumpati ako noong Enero, nabanggit ko ang linyang, ‘Anak ng teteng!’ Ang tanong sa akin ng ilang taong nakasalubong ko, ‘Ano ba ang etymology ng word na ‘teteng?’ Ang sagot ko sa kanila, ‘Ano ba ang etymology?’ Boom peyns!”

23
7: “Hindi ako natatakot makulong dahil entitled naman ako sa conjugal visits. Si Ricardo Camata nga, convicted na pero nadalaw pa rin ng starlets at dancers; ako pa kaya?!”

6: “Noong Holy Week, nagtungo po ako sa Holy Land. Humingi ako ng sign kay God. Sabi ko, “Lord, kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako pababayaan. Hindi mo ako hahayaang makulong. Give me a sign Lord! Minutes later, nakasalubong ko do’n si Hayden Kho at nagkabati kami. ‘Yon yata ang sign. Ang pangit.”

5: “Inuulit ko: hindi ako masamang tao, hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mandarambong, at hindi ako sure kung maniniwala kayo! I don’t care.”

4: “Wala pong katotohanan ang sinulat ng isang tabloid columnist na papalitan ang pamagat ng aking programa sa telebisyon at tatawaging ‘Handcuffs Amazing Stories.’ Paninira lang po ‘yan.”

3: “Naniniwala po akong habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Kung natalo ka sa umpisa, may pagkakataon ka pang bumawi. So ito lang ang masasabi ko: Go LeBron! Go Heat!”

janet 1
2: “Masyado na pong namemersonal ang aking mga kalaban. Kung ‘yong asawa ko nga raw, nagawa kong lokohin, eh ‘yon pa kayang taumbayan na ‘di ko kaanu-ano? May point. Actually. Pero ayaw ko na silang patulan.”

1: “Sa nauna kong privilege speech… nabanggit kong I have been demonized in the media. Nakakalungkot po; nakakalungkot po dahil pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng talumpati kong ‘yon ay nag-text po ang demonyo sa akin. Ang sabi: huwag ko raw ikumpara ang sarili ko sa kanya. ‘T*ng-ina! Ang hard.”
————————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

00Sound Bites
“Arresting and detaining the three senators make up only the formal start of the quest to exact justice and accountability for the plunder of taxpayer money. The pork barrel scam was a P10-billion operation that involved hundreds, perhaps thousands, of individuals.”
~’Triple Whammy’ – Editorial, Philippine Daily Inquirer, 06/07/2014

Poll Results
Offensive ba ang Hong Kong textbook na naglarawan sa mga Filipino bilang domestic helper?

-Hindi, pero ramdam mong may malisya. Alam mo na! Hong Kong ‘yan. 50.31%
-Yes. 36.65%
-No. 13.04%

Let the Filipino taxpayers’ quest for justice begin! Justice for all!
Next batch please!

[Photos: Newsflash.Org, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 114,449 other followers

%d bloggers like this: