REJECTED

18 01 2014

ACCUSED OF POCKETING millions of pesos in pork barrel funds through his friend, suspected PDAF scam queen Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles, BONG REVILLA is set to deliver a privilege speech on Monday, January 20, 2014. Coincidentally, January 20 was earlier declared by Malacañang as a National Day of Prayer. With what we’re about to hear on Monday, I think everyone should pray for patience and maximum tolerance.

janet 1
Top 10 Rejected Opening Lines from the Drafts of Bong Revilla’s Privilege Speech

No. 10: “Marami na po akong naikuwento sa aking programa sa telebisyon. Ngunit ngayong hapon, mapapakinggan n’yo na ang Kap’s Most Amazing Story ng taon!”

No. 9: “Sa totoo lang, nais ko na sanang manahimik tungkol sa isyung ito. Ngunit apektado na talaga ang aking mga pamilya. I mean, ang aking pamilya. Sweetheart, sorry. Sleep of the tongue. Hihihi”

No. 8: “Ladies and gentlemen, kung online po kayo habang nanonood o nakikinig sa akin, gamitin n’yo ang hastags na #Got2BelieveBong. Thank you. (Sino ba naman kasing nagpauso ng katarantaduhang tag tag na ‘yan!)”

No. 7: “Bago ako magsimula, gusto kong magparating ng mainit na pagbati sa isang tapat na kaibigan. Belated happy birthday Jenny Napoles! Sa mga supporters ko sa gallery, samahan n’yo ako sa pag-awit. 1… 2… 3: Happy birthday to you… Louder!”

No. 6: “Walang uuwi after ng speech. May raffle!”

No. 5: “Congratulations muna sa MMFF for a record-breaking festival. Kung ‘di lang ako nasangkot sa pork barrel scam, may entry sana ako. Tse!”

1K
No. 4: ♪ ♫ “Lord, patawad / ‘Pagkat ako’y makasalanan ♪ ♫ / Makasalanang nilalang / Lord patawad… ” ♪ ♫ (Repeat chorus 2x)

No. 3: Mga minamahal kong kababayan, wala akong ninakaw ni singko sa kaban ng… wait lang. I’m not under oath, right? Naniniguro lang. Let me continue…

No. 2: Dahil mahal ko ang aking bayan at ayaw kong madamay ang Senado sa kinasasangkutan kong iskandalo, I am submitting my irrevocable resignation effective… ‘Tang-i*a, hindi ito ang inapruban kong speech ah. Sandali! Your honor, can we have a 10-minute break?”

And the No. 1 rejected opening line from Bong Revilla’s privilege speech…
Ngayong hapon, patutunayan ko po sa inyong lahat na walang katotohanan ang persistent rumor that I put the ‘bong’ in ‘mandarambong.’
————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

Sound Bites
“Bukas naman ang tanggapan ko kung sino ang gustong makipag-usap sa akin. Pumunta siya dito sa opisina, humingi siya ng paumanhin.”
~BIR Commissioner Kim Henares (Read full report here.)

Have a safe and romantic weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





EXCLUSIVE: KRISSY AND JENNY (WRE-EH-ECK ME!)

16 01 2014

GOSH, I’M HERE na naman. Grabeh! Alam mo Boy, marami na namang maiinggit d’yan for sure kasi I’ve been in the news for like… what?!? Two months already? Yeah, I think two months na Boy kasi it started pa sa promo ng ‘My Little Bossings’ in November tapos hanggang sa contract signing ko the other day, issue pa rin ako. Tama ba ako Boy? Wait lang. Bakit ba Boy ako nang Boy eh wala naman dito si Boy. How baboy! Aha-ha-ha!

kri
Speaking of baboy, nagulat ako last night when I learned na January 15 pala ang birthday ni Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. She just turned 50. In all fairness huh, she became a billionaire pala before reaching 50. Bongga! Ikaw na talaga.

At dahil birthday niya, nakiusap na naman sa akin si Heckler na gawan ko raw ng feature ang lola n’yo. I’m suuuure, wala na namang maisulat ang blogger na ‘yan kaya heto… Krissy to the rescue! Aha-ha-ha! Pasalamat siya at good mood ako. But first, gusto kong mag-react sa ilang news items na lumabas lately. Aaminin ko Boy – naloka ako sa headline na ito sa ABS-CBN News.com.

KRIS
Top story talaga ang sex life ko?!? Of national security ang peg? Aha-ha-ha! Na-i-imagine ko tuloy si Mommy sa heaven habang tumatalak: “Kristina, bigyan mo naman ako ng kahihiyan!” Kaloka! But I’m sure, Dad is defending me right now. Bahala na silang mag-away! Care bears! Aha-ha-ha Basta ako, nagsasabi lang ng totoo:

I’m single and I don’t get to have sex. Which means, pwede na akong maging presidente. Aha-ha-ha! Hi Noy. Sorry, pinunchline na naman kita. Promise, last na ‘to for today.

I also want to take this opportunity na sagutin ang mga ibinabatong batikos sa aming pelikula. Alam mo Boy, hindi ko na sana papatulan pa ang mga panlalait eh, pero tao lang ako. Kesyo basura raw ang ‘My Little Bossings.’ Kesyo wala raw itong kwenta at nagsayang lang daw sila ng pera. Pero Boy, did we promise a Citizen Kane? Or a Schindler’s List? Or a Haba-baba-doo Puti-puti-poo even? We did not! Promise! Gusto lang naming magpasaya ng mga tao noong Pasko. Besides, this is the MMFF! What do you expect? Ay, ano ba ‘yun! Wait! Paki-delete… please? ‘Wag ilabas ‘yon. Please! Edit out that part. Thank you.

Ayoko na ngang magsalita! Mapapahamak lang ako eh. Hi Chairman Tolentino! Alam n’yo po, the MMDA Chairman has always been nice to me and to Noy so ‘wag n’yo na ‘tong palakihin, ok? Love love love na lang tayo.

tp
Another issue I want to address is the rumor na pumayag daw akong makipag-usap kay MVP para lang magpataas ng presyo sa ABS. Helllloooooow! Mataas na ang presyo ko to begin with ‘noh. Excuse me! And pleeeeeeeease. I never considered switching to another network. Si Boy lang ‘yon! ‘Di ba Boy dati kang Globe ‘tapos you switched to Smart? O, umamin ka! Aha-ha-ha!

(Para na naman akong tanga. Kinakausap ko si Boy pero ‘di naman n’ya ‘to nababasa. Aha-ha-ha!)

Lastly… gusto ko ring linawin na never kaming nag-usap ni MVP tungkol sa possible transfer or whatever offer daw ng TV5 sa akin. That’s far from the truth. Kasing far ng TV5 studios sa Novaliches! In fact, iisa lang ang napagkwentuhan namin ni MVP – our common interest: basketball players. Alam mo na! Aha-ha-ha!

Gosh! Ang dami ko na palang sinabi. Nakakaloka. Go na nga tayo sa birthday celebrator! It’s Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles’s 50th birthday today! On the count of three, sabay-sabay natin siyang hindi batiin. 1… 2… 3!

Deadma! Aha-ha-ha!

janet 1
At dahil birthday niya, pinakialaman ko ang kanyang answering machine. Let’s find out kung sinu-sino ang nag-iwan ng messages sa kanya! Message No. 8. Now na!

Tooooot!
“Mare, si Pareng Pogi ‘to. Akala mo nalimutan ka na namin ‘no? No way tollway! Kami pa?! Wala sa angkan namin ang nang-iiwan sa laban. Malalampasan mo rin ‘yan! Isorender mo lang kay Lord ang lahat gaya ng ginawa ko. Kung aling lord, nasa sa ‘yo na ‘yon. Happy birthday mare! We’ll see you soon, and remember, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?- Psalm 27:1

BONGGA! Kumu-quote ka na rin senator ng Bibliya? Kailan pa?! Aha-ha-ha
Message No. 7! Now na!

Tooooot!
“Mrs. Napoles, ngayon lang ako magsasalita nang diretso sa ‘yo. Matagal ko nang kinikimkim ‘to. ‘Tanda’ pala huh! Sa isa… Sexy; do’n naman sa isa… Pogi. ‘Tapos sa akin… ‘Tanda!?!’ Wow. Wow! Kung ‘di lang kayo close ng taong pinakamamahal ko, hindi kita mapapatawad. Pasalamat ka sa kanya. Happy 50th birthday. Tanda pala huh. Tatandaan ko ‘yan!”

PWEDE BANG huwag na akong mag-react? Kasi… ‘di ba, hate din siya ng mom ko? So para ‘di na lang ako ma-accuse ng bias, NR na lang ako. Care bears na lang. I’ll just pray for the repose of his soul. If ever. Promise. Aha-ha-ha!
Go na nga tayo sa Message No. 6! Now na!

Tooooot!
“We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why…. chos!
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love, no one could deny… chos!”

Benhuuuuur! Hinaan mo nga ‘yang boses mo! At bakit kailangang sa telepono ka kumanta? May kausap ka ba?

“Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you… chos!”

Hi Madam! Si Benhur po ito. Birthday mo nga pala. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang date na ‘to dahil sa ‘yong birthday party ko nakilala ang chief of staff ng mga senador. Super saya ang gabing ‘yon! But that was then. Ngayon… ang hirap nang gumalaw. Ni hindi ako makalabas para magsine. Kasalanan mo lahat ‘to! Kasalanan mo!!!!

Wre-eh-eck me
Yeah, you, you wree-eh-eck me!
Chos!”

NAKAKALOKAAAAAA! Ikaw na talaga Benhur! Super duper bongga ka! I like you naaaaa! Aha-ha-ha!
On to Message No. 5. Now na!

Tooooot!
“Sandali! Safe ba ang linyang ito? Kung ‘di ‘to safe, hindi na lang ako magli-leave ng message. Eh buwakang-ina, baka sabihin na naman, ‘Kasabwat ni Napoles si Sexy!’ ‘Wag na lang. Iti-itext ko na lang ang mister niya. Sige, ibababa ko na ‘tong landlin… Ha? Anong na-dial mo na?! So connected na ‘to???? ‘Tang-ina! Bobo ka ba? Ba’t di mo sinab…”
Toot! Toot! Toot!

‘YUN NA! Note to self Krissy… note to self: ‘wag ka nang mag-comment. Kumpare mo pa rin ‘yan. ‘K! Fine. Message No. 4! Now na!

Tooooot!
“‘Tang-ina naman Ma’am Janet eh. Ilang buwan na akong nasa dilim ah. ‘Di n’yo ba ako babalikan? Happy birthday nga pala. – Bathtub”

IN FAIRNESS to the bathtub huh, nakakaalala! Thoughtful! Unlike ‘yong bathtub sa bahay na super nakaka-imbyerna! Everytime I enter ba naman the bathroom, ang laging isinisigaw: “Tigang! Tigang! Tigang!” HELLLLOOOW! Bakit? Itinatanggi ko ba? Aha-ha-ha! Message No. 3! Now na!

Tooooot!
“Hi Janet, si Noy ‘to. Pwede bang makuha ang number ng anak mong dalaga? Joooooke!”

THAT’S NOT Noy! That’s not my brother! I swear, may gusto lang manira sa kanya! How do I erase this message?!? Darla, paki-erase please. NOW NA! Thank you. Next message please!

Tooooot!
“Hi babe! You read the website news babe? The website news say my ex wife Krissy do not have sex life. Hi-hi-hi-Hi Inggit much babe to you. You babe always have sex life. Babe, I have game tonight but after finished the laro, we will have… secret… hi-hi-hi you know what I mean. Babe? Babe?!? Ay pisti, wrong number ang na-dial ko. Yawa!”

YOU WANT ME to react to that? Sorry. I’m not going to make patol. Natuto na ako kina Ate Pinkee at Ate Ballsee. Forgive, forgive, forgive para suwertehin ka lalo. Masaya ako sa buhay ko at super blessed ako! So deadma na sa mga taong nega! Next message please! Now n… SANDALI LANG. INGGIT MUCH PALA HUH! PWES, HINDI MO MAKUKUHA SI BEEM THIS WEEKEND! NO WAY! Hmpf! Next!

Tooooot!
“Hey! Finally, nagkausap din tayo. At birthday mo pala. Pasensya ka na Mrs Napoles. Noong time na takbo ka nang takbo, habol naman ako nang habol. Until I caught up with you. So ‘yan ang napala mo. Magbago ka na habang may time pa! – Sincerely, Karma”

WALA NA AKO sa mood mag-react. BASTA! Ayoko na! He’s so kapal talaga! I don’t have sex but I am happy. Hellllllow… bakit naman ako maiinggit sa kanila? Kainis! Wait! Check ko lang ang cellphone ko. May voice mail yata.

Tooooot!
“Hi Krissy! Si Janet Napoles ‘to. Sexless ka ba? Hindi ka nag-iisa!”

NAKAKALOKA!
—————————————————————————–
“As long as karma exists, the world changes. There will always be karma to be taken care of.”
~Nina Hagen

Sound Bites
“I know my priorities siguro kaya na-bi-bless because I don’t have sex.”
~Kris Aquino

In Memoriam

coy
Noong 2011 at 2013, si Coy Caballes ng Globe ang tumawag para sabihin sa akin, “Loi, finalist ka sa Tatt Awards!” Baby pala niya ang Tatt Awards. Noong 2012, magkasama kami sa Tatt Council. I wasn’t able to attend the awards night last year so hindi ko na ulit siya nakita. Today, January 16 is my birthday. Today, Coy Caballes – who’s in his 20s, passed away. Rest in Peace Coy. Maraming salamat sa mga naging ambag mo sa pagpapayabong ng social media sa bansa.

Sayang, hindi mo na mapapanood ang game ng Fighting Maroons. Mukhang makakaisa pa naman sila this year.

Have a safe weekend!

Postscript: To everyone who sent their birthday greets, THANK YOU so much!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino, PNP]





TOP-RATING

14 01 2014

ACCORDING TO Pulse Asia, President Aquino’s performance rating dropped to 73 percent in December from 79 percent in September 2013. One of the major issues when the survey was conducted was the rehabilitation efforts in the Visayas. The survey’s margin of error was plus or minus Mar Roxas.

The President’s latest performance rating was down to 73. To be fair though, that’s so much better than his average grade in college.

Untitled
Among the top government officials, Vice President Binay enjoyed the highest approval rating after gaining three percentage points. His performance rating in December was 80 percent. The remaining 20 percent were security guards.

Of the top 5 government officials, Vice President Binay had the highest rating: 4 in 5 Filipinos approved of his performance. Those four were Elenita, Junjun, Nancy and Abby.

Last December, 45 percent of survey respondents approved of the Senate’s performance. The other 55 percent asked, ‘What performance?’

The same Pulse Asia survey showed that from 37 percent in September, the House of Representatives registered a performance rating of 42 percent in December. That’s a five percent increase! Which raises a couple of alarming questions: Who are those five percent and what is their problem?

Poor
The latest SWS study found 55 percent of Filipinos surveyed rated themselves as “poor.” The other 45 percent refused to accept the truth.

Baseless
According to Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, the allegation that he pocketed funds from his PDAF is “an urban legend.” That’s coming from a man whose memoir begins with the line, “Once upon a time in a province far, far away…”

The More…
The government of Iran is encouraging couples to have more children to boost the population. Apparently, Iran is being run now by the CBCP.

The Merrier!
For Buhay party-list Rep. Lito Atienza, the country’s predicted 100 million population this year is a “blessing” and “is our way to economic progress.” I have reason to believe Atienza is Iranian.

untitled
Deadma’
Reports say one of President Aquino’s New Year’s resolutions is to ignore critics “who are hopeless.” To which, Amando Doronila said, “Whateverrr!”

Erap
Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he won’t run for president again. That’s by far his biggest accomplishment since leaving Malacanang 13 years ago.

Caught!
In Davao City, traffic police apprehended former Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte-Carpio Monday morning for overspeeding. The traffic officers confiscated Duterte’s license and turned it over to the Land Transportation Office. And Junjun Binay was like, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”

NJ Governor
According to CNN, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is being questioned over the use of relief funds intended for the victims of Superstorm Sandy. If the allegation is proven to be true, the 51-year-old politician will have to deal with another issue: is he Filipino?

movie
Postscript: MMFF 2013
According to the MMDA, the 2013 MMFF has grossed almost 1 billion pesos. We salute Vic Sotto and Kris Aquino for helping revive a dying movie industry. Their entry, ‘My Little Bossings’ put the ‘gross’ in top-grosser.
—————————————————————-
“A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.”
~Lao Tzu

Sound Bites
“As we start the year, the result of the recent Pulse Asia survey is definitely a source of inspiration. Rest assured that we will continue to work hard to improve the lives of our people and provide them the service they deserve.”
~Vice President Jejomar Binay

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, @iamKrisAquino]





FROZEN

10 01 2014

ARCTIC-LIKE conditions enveloped parts of the United States and Canada. Experts say some 187 million people are feeling the effects of the extreme cold weather. In the Philippines, Senator Enrile felt nostalgic. He had a similar experience during the Ice Age.

niagara
Due to the extreme weather condition, parts of the famed Niagara Falls have become frozen. Manny Pacquiao can relate.

Because of the so-called polar vortex, the US side of the Niagara Falls has become frozen. It ain’t moving. It’s like Edsa but everyday.

Across North America, millions of people experience record-breaking low temperatures. Out there, it’s freezing like hell! I mean, it’s freezing.

Black Nazarene
On the feast day of the Black Nazarene, journalist Raissa Robles wrote a piece on the reportedly miraculous statue and suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles. Robles said the statue was “regularly and personally brought” to the Napoles mansion “by its priest-custodian, Monsignor Josefino Ramirez.” Apparently, Benhur Luy was not the first victim of ‘kidnapping.’

The annual procession of the Black Nazarene is held in Manila. There are several ways to get near the sculpture. You can push, you can shove. Or you can donate millions of pesos in stolen public funds.

janet 1Jinggoy
Accused last year of pocketing millions of pesos in pork barrel funds, Jinggoy Estrada is in the news again. Sen. Antonio Trillanes has slammed Jinggoy for realigning 100 million pesos of his ‘pork’ to the City of Manila where his father is the incumbent mayor. But Jinggoy insists he sees nothing wrong with that. In totally unrelated news, Cord Marine Epoxy is reportedly eyeing Jinggoy as endorser. You know, ‘Sintigas ng bakal, sintibay ng bato, sintatag ng isang blokeng semento.’

Jinggoy Estrada defended his decision to allot 100 million pesos of pork barrel funds to the City of Manila. The actor turned politician said, “That was my own initiative.” He added, “Hindi nga alam ng tatay ko ‘yan eh.” Among many other things.

Bong
On Friday, January 10, in front his friends in the entertainment press, Bong Revilla said, “Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat.” Sought for reaction, the Lord said, “I have no freakin’ idea what he’s freakin’ talking about.”

Of his pork-related woes, Bong Revilla told the entertainment press, “Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat.” And Lani Mercado was like, “Alam n’yo na kung na kanino! Kaya huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao! Eh anong ibibigay namin?”

After being tagged in the multibillion-peso pork barrel scam, Bong Revilla announced he’ll deliver a privilege speech soon. I sincerely appreciate the senator’s concern for his countrymen. After the massive destruction caused by the Bohol quake and super typhoon Yolanda, Filipinos badly need something to laugh about.

Worst
According to a US-based financial media company, NAIA is the world’s 8th worst airport. Which raises the question, “Is this even news?” [Tell us something we don't know.]

Not Interested
Batangas Governor Vilma Santos told ANC she’s not dreaming of the presidency. To which the ‘presidency’ replied, “Thanks!”

Peek of the Week
This devotee puts the ‘ass’ in passion. Mabuhay ka!

traslacion————————————————————–
“Without shame, without conscience.”
― Chris Galford, At Faith’s End

Sound Bites
“Alam na nga n’yang under fire s’ya, gano’n pa ang pagka-allocate n’ya. Pakapalan na lang ito.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Jinggoy Estrada

“So? So what? Is there anything wrong?”
~Jinggoy Estrada on realigning P100M of pork barrel funds to Manila

“Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat. The truth will set us free. Lugmok kami pero babangon ako!”
~ Bong Revilla

“For instance, we are now unashamed to steal when we are supposed to be ashamed of it. Ang pagnanakaw hindi na ikinahihiya ngayon. ‘Yon ang dapat ikahiya!”
~Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle in his homily, Feast of the Black Nazarene

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: NBC News, Rappler, Andy Bais of PDI]





OF POT AND PROCESSION

7 01 2014

sus
THE FEAST of the Black Nazarene happens this week. According to Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada, the route of the annual procession has been changed. It will start at the Minor Basilica in Quiapo and will end at Fort Sto. Domingo in Sta. Rosa, Laguna.

This year marks the 407th grand Traslacion of the Black Nazarene. Here’s a very little known fact about this event: Juan Ponce Enrile never missed a single procession.

Former Manila mayor Alfredo Lim is a known devotee of the Black Nazarene. Incumbent Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada is a known de-bote.

UntitledBunkhouses
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported alleged anomalous deals in the construction of bunkhouses intended for Yolanda victims in the Visayas. If the alleged overpricing would be proven, Public Works and Highways Secretary Rogelio Singson said he would resign. Energy Sec. Jericho Petilla admired Secretary Singson’s delicadeza but resented his lack of originality.

eX-Rated
After Erap’s and FVR’s separate visits to GMA, rumors say there could be a possible alliance among the three. Lawyer Ferdie Topacio calls it ‘Triple X.’ It stands for ex-President Ramos, ex-President Arroyo, and ex-convict Joseph Estrada.

Marijuana
Last month, Uruguay became the first country to legalize the growing, sale and smoking of marijuana. I haven’t been to Uruguay. Is it like Northern Luzon?

Amid the global debate on whether pot should be legalized or not, Malacañang reminded the public that marijuana is still illegal in the country. Illegal, i(l)ˈlēgəl/ adjective: if you got caught.

Olympics
Former Parañaque City Rep. Roilo Golez says Manila should dream big and try to vie for the hosting of the 2024 Summer Olympics. Is he on marijuana?

New Planets
Astronomers are monitoring at least 60 new Earth-like planets in the solar system. But experts say these new planets are “strange.” They even describe them as “crazy planets.” To which, those planets reacted, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa katinuan sa planeta n’yo!”

Running
Guess who’s reportedly seeking a seat in Congress! It’s Ai-Ai De Las Alas, the comedienne. Not funny.

susKapamilya Still
Amid rumors of a network transfer, Kris Aquino has announced that she has renewed her contract with media giant ABS-CBN. The multimedia queen will continue to host some TV shows, make some movies, and if given a chance, threaten to quit showbiz again.

Mega 48
Megastar Sharon Cuneta, wife of former senator Kiko Pangilinan, celebrated her 48th birthday last January 6. As a birthday gift to herself, she avoided lechon, crispy pata, and Twitter.
——————————————————————
“People wrap themselves in their beliefs. And they do it in such a way that you can’t set them free. Not even the truth will set them free.”
~ Michael Specter

Sound Bites
“I have been with ABSCBN for 18 years & like any other family we’ve had our ups & downs and sometimes unavoidable “tampuhan” – but we remain FAMILY.”
~Kris Aquino

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PhilStar.com, GMA News, @iamkrisaquino214]





MOVIES AND NUMBERS

5 01 2014

sha
THE NUMBER of firecracker-related injuries has reached almost 1,000. You know it was a failed DOH campaign when the number of firecracker victims is twice more than the YouTube views of Dr. Eric Tayag’s ‘Roar’ videos.

Little Faith
A new poll conducted in the US revealed many Americans expressed little hope that their elected officials can or will solve their nation’s biggest problems. Those Americans have no originality. Gaya-gaya! Tse!

Thirteen
In a New Year’s Day statement, Jinggoy Estrada admitted that 2013 was full of challenges for him. He expressed hope that his 2014 would be “marked with resolution and absence of controversies.” And the Ombudsman was like, “You wish!”

Q-5
Jinggoy Estrada is blaming the number 13 for bringing him bad luck last year. In a separate statement, the number 13 has threatened to file libel charges against Jinggoy.

In a statement, Jinggoy Estrada said, “I will continue to become the representative of the masses in the Senate.” To which the masses replied, “Etchosera!”

Holidays
Based on the list released by the government, there are at least 18 regular and special non-working holidays this year. Non-working holidays! That’s bad news for the unemployed.

shaMMFF 2013
Reports say ‘My Little Bossings’ is now the highest-grossing Filipino movie ever raking in more than 400 million pesos at the box office. May pera sa basura. Indeed.

Mega Quit
Actress Sharon Cuneta announced she’s quitting Twitter, a microblogging site. Twitter called it a “welcome development.”

It was the 3,847th time Sharon left the microblogging site.

Sharon Cuneta has decided to leave Twitter because she has had enough of disrespectful netizens’ “painful words.”
“Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo!” – Nancy Binay

2013 HMMMPF FILM FESTIVAL: A GUIDE

GOLDEN BOY
Synopsis:
Isang sci-fi movie na tumatalakay sa stem cell technology. Si Golden Boy ay isang middle-aged at banidosong pulitiko. Noong nangangampanya pa lamang, nangako itong ibababa ang presyo ng stem cell treatment para sa kanyang constituents. Upang patunayang mabisa ang nasabing teknolohiya, pumayag itong maging subject ng isang internationally-funded research. Ang resulta: walang pores at flawless skin na hindi halos gumagalaw (iwas-wrinkles). Ang tanong: magtagumpay kaya si pulitiko sa hangaring maging affordable sa masa ang naturang teknolohiya? Hindi kaya nai-insecure ang misis niya sa maganda niyang skin? Ma-reelect kaya siya sa 2016?

KAY PEDRO ANG LUNGSOD
Synopsis:
Kuwento ito ng isang batang pulitiko sa isang kilalang siyudad. Kinatatakutan ang pulitiko dahil maimpluwensya at makapangyarihan ang pamilya nito sa lipunan. Nagagawa rin ng pulitiko lahat ng gustuhin niya. Lahat ng gate nilulusutan: gate ng bahay, gate ng school, gate ng simbahan, gate ng kapitbahay, gate ng sabungan, gate ng malls, gate ng subdivision, pati Gift Gate at Colgate dinadaanan niya kahit sarado o ipinagbabawal. Ngunit may malaking problema si pulitiko: nakunan ng CCTV ang pagdaan niya sa mga nasabing gate. Paano kung lumabas ito sa media? Magbago kaya si pulitiko o tuloy pa rin ang paghahari-harian niya? Mapikon kaya si pulitiko sa blog post na ito? Bakit mahilig sa bagets na boyfriend si T’ya Pusit?

MY LITTLE BOSSING
Synopsis
: Isang romantic-comedy na medyo seksi. Tungkol ito sa makapangyarihang politician na single pa rin bagamat nagkakaedad na. Ipapakita sa pelikula ang mga kabanata sa buhay-pag-ibig ng pulitiko – ang kanyang mga niligawan, at ang mga pinagdaanang kabiguan. Ayon sa mga naging kasintahan ng pulitiko, hindi raw kalakihan ang you-know-what nito. Dito nagmula ang nickname na ‘Little Bossing.’ Ngunit desidido si pulitikong patunayang mali ang alegasyon ng kanyang mga ex. Paano niya kukumbinsihin ang publiko na hindi “little” ang kanyang “bossing?” Mahanap na kaya niya ang kanyang tunay na darling? At ang kanyang ubo… kailan kaya gagaling?

1000 HOURS
Synopsis:
Matapos manalanta ang napakalakas na bagyo sa lalawigan ng Andersunkupir, umapela sa central government ang mga residente rito. Ngunit naantala raw ang pagdating ng tulong dahil sa away-pulitika. Pinagtalunan ng magkalabang pulitiko kung sino ba ang mas maganda: si Kringkrung na asawa ni Mayor Cryola o si Kurinakung na asawa naman ni Secretary Pirmahanmutu. Habang nag-aaway ang dalawa, tuloy naman ang pagtaas ng bilang ng mga patay at nagugutom. Aabutin pa ba ng 1,000 Hours bago dumating ang saklolo? Sino ang magwawagi sa debate ng dalawang pulitiko? Bakit hindi sumilong sa building si Atom Araullo habang bumabagyo? Kung tinamaan siya ng lumilipad na yero, kasalanan ba niya ito?

GIRL, BOY, BAKLA, AT LEAST WALANG TOMBOY
Synopsis:
Umiikot ang kwento sa buhay ng isang pulitikong macho at homophobic. Dahil sa tindig at porma, habulin ng babae ang pulitiko. Bawat babaeng makilala, ikinakama. Proud na proud ang pulitiko sa kanyang mga naging anak maliban sa isa – kay Julio, na nalulong sa droga matapos mapabarkada. Bakla si Julio at sa darating na Noche Buena, ipagtatapat na niya sa kanyang ama ang tunay niyang pagkatao. Ano ang magiging reaksyon ng kanyang daddy? Matanggap kaya nitong may girl, may boy, at may bakla sa kanilang family? Bakit ang tagal ng sweldo? Saan napunta ang bonus mo?

KALEIDOSCOPE WEIRD
Synopsis:
None available. Movie was pulled out from theaters on opening day.

INIDORO: KIYEME LANG
Synopsis:
Hindi pinayagang magpiyansa si Juanita Lin-Napanis matapos hulihin sa kasong pagnanakaw ng gintong bathtub ng kanyang kapitbahay. Mayaman si Napanis ngunit kleptomaniac ito. Kahit ‘di kailangan, ninanakaw. Dahil mapera, sinuhulan nito ang pulis at ang judge upang payagan siyang i-detain na lamang  sa mas ligtas na Fort Sto. Rosario. Dito magsisimula ang gulo. Sa tuwing papasok siya sa comfort room, 72 hours siya sa loob. Ang sikreto: palihim pala siyang tumatakas at umuuwi sa kanyang condo unit sa Makati. Akala ng mga guwardiya, nasa loob pa rin siya ng banyo at nakatulog lang sa inidoro. Ang hindi alam ng mga ito, may binayarang janitress si Juanita Lin-Napanis upang magkunwaring siya. Hanggang kailan maililihim ng janitress ang tunay niyang katauhan? Matuklasan kaya ng pulis na buhay-reyna sa labas ng selda ang kanilang high-profile inmate? Bakit tatanga-tanga ang mga guwardiya? May tumatae ba ng 72 hours?

IPAGPAG MO NA!
Synopsis:
Ang nag-iisang X-Rated entry sa festival. Muntik nang hindi aprubahan ng MTRCBCP ang titulo ng pelikula dahil double meaning daw ito. Inilaban ng producer ang pamagat hanggang sa payagan na rin. Gayunman, nabigyan ng X rating ang pelikula dahil sa maselang tema nito. Ang ‘Ipagpag Mo Na!’ ay ang unauthorized biopic ng isang matandang senador. Kilala sa pagiging matulis ang pulitikong ito kahit nubenta’y ocho anyos na. Ibinahay ng senador ang kanyang paboritong sekretarya matapos iwan ang kanyang legal wife. Ilang taon na rin ang kanilang relasyon. Isang gabi habang umiihi, napansin ng matandang senador na tila wala nang buhay si junior. Kahit anong pagpag ang gawin niya rito, wala na talaga. Dahil dito, nabahala ang matanda. Paano kung malaman ng kanyang live-in partner na hindi na tumatayo ang cobra? Iwan kaya siya nito? Paano kung humanap ito ng mas bata? Saan hahantong ang mapanghamong kabanatang ito sa kanilang relasyon? Bakit paulit-ulit umaalis si Sharon sa Twitter ‘tapos lagi rin naming bumabalik? Anong problema niya?
———————————————————————————
“Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them.”
~ Pauline Kael

Sound Bites
sha

Have a great week ahead! Back to work, back to school. Good luck!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[PHOTOS: Telegraph.co, @Sharon_Cuneta12]





2014: MGA HULA AT BABALA

1 01 2014

HN
It’s the season of self-proclaimed psychics and fortune-tellers again. Last year, psychic Danny Atienza predicted that President Aquino’s term would be cut short. Vice President Binay, he said, would replace him in 2013. And Binay was like, “Hmpf! Paasa!”

Also last year, Hong Kong-based feng shui master Joseph Chau Kam Shing said President Aquino would finally fall in love in 2013. Unfortunately, the woman he fell in love with didn’t feel the same.

atienza
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer in January 2013, psychic Danny Atienza said President Aquino would meet in 2013 the love of his life who’s “bright,” “beautiful,” and “of good breeding.” In short, ‘false hope.’

Danny Atienza also predicted that a former Philippine president would die in 2013. Atienza was dead wrong.

Of former president Joseph Estrada who was then running for mayor of Manila, psychic Danny Atienza predicted, “I assure him, 99 percent, he would lose to Alfredo Lim.” But Mayor Lim lost the race and Atienza lost his credibility – 99 percent of it.

In the Chinese calendar, 2014 is the Year of the Wooden Horse. Vice President Binay was born under that animal sign. Feng shui experts say this will be a great year for the vice president. Sought for reaction, Mar Roxas said, “I don’t believe in feng shui.”

Victims
As of 6AM, January 1, authorities reported that there were almost 900 cases of fireworks- and firecracker-related injuries. President Aquino insists the figure is much lower than that.

JAMORA
Despite the Health Department’s much-publicized ‘Iwas Paputok’ campaign, the number of fireworks- and firecracker-related injuries soared to more than 800 this year. President Aquino is blaming Katy Perry.

Honest
A Filipino taxi driver in Las Vegas was rewarded $10,000 for being an honest man. That’s nothing compared to a number of Filipino lawmakers who are rewarded fresh terms for being thieves.

Mars Mission
Out of the initial 200,000, the number of people who applied for a one-way trip to planet Mars has been narrowed down to 1,058. The bad news is no Filipino politician made it.

WE INVITED famed psychic and voodoo practitioner, Madam Kalachuchi – who has a master’s degree in Psychic Reading from the University of Haiti to share with us her predictions for 2014. Enjoy!

President Aquino
“Matatagpuan mo na ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Unfortunately, hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanya. Huwag munang umasa.”

Vice President Binay
“Magigising ka na lang isang umaga, may malaking tattoo ka na. Ang nakasulat: ‘Donated by the Office of Vice President Jejomar Binay.’ Kontrahin ang sumpa! Magdasal.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas
“Mabubuntis ang iyong asawa. Si Vice President Binay ang mapaglilihihan niya. Good luck!”

Sen. Frank Drilon
“Magkakaroon ka ng matinding problema sa kalusugan. Umiwas sa lechon, crispy pata, double cheeseburger, bopis, barbecue, pork chicharon, and anything edible.”

1KJanet Napoles
“Makakatakas ka mula Fort Sto. Domingo bago mag-Hulyo. Wait, mali pala. Hindi ka pala makakatakas. Patatakasin ka! Yamaaan!”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda
“Malas ka sa taong ito. Magbibitiw ka sa puwesto. Kung hindi ka naman aalis sa puwesto, ‘yong pwesto mismo ang mang-iiwan sa ‘yo. Basta. The end is near.”

Bong Revilla
“Marami pang ibabatong putik sa ‘yo ngayong 2014. Samantalahin ang publicity! Ituloy ang planong remake ng ‘Nardong Putik.’”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
“Lalo kang magagalit sa iyong matutuklasan sa taong ito: sa past life n’yo pala ni Enrile ay mag-asawa kayo.”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
“Huwag pansinin ang mga darating na intriga. Kung mahal mo talaga, ipaglaban mo siya. Almost 90 ka na… ‘wag nang magpa-tweetums. (Kainis!)”

Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay
“Ngayong 2014, ang papasok ay puro suwerte; walang malas. Bago matapos ang taon, kukunin kang endorser ng Hello Kitty umbrellas.”

Jinggoy Estrada
“Sa second quarter ng taon, babagsak ang iyong timbang. Mas magiging sexy ka. Sa ikatlong quarter ng taon, lalo pa itong babagsak. Magpa-check up ka na. Baka iba na.”

erER Ejercito
“Magkakainteres ang mga German scientists sa makinis mong kutis. Gagamitin ka nilang subject sa bagong pag-aaral.”

Dr. Eric Tayag
“Mapapanood ni Ellen DeGeneres sa YouTube ang dance videos mo. ‘Yun lang.”
———————————————————————–
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
~Carl Jung

Sound Bites
“Tuloy ang kampanya. Next year, sasayaw pa rin ako. Medley na.”
~DOH Asst. Sec. Eric Tayag

May you have an exciting, productive, and prosperous 2014!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Micaela Papa, Golden Boy poster]





PINOY FIRECRACKERS: A GUIDE (2013)

29 12 2013

HERE’S A GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines.


Noynoy Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Malapit nang mag-celebrate ng 54 years sa market ang firecracker na ito. Ayon sa mga manufacturers, may kakayahan pa naman daw pumutok ang Noynoy Firecracker. Ayaw lang nilang sabihin kung malakas pa ang putok nito.

Noynoy Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Okay lang na maputukan ka ng firecracker na ito. Eh ano naman kung masugatan ka? “Buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?

Miriam Firecracker
Ang pinakamaingay na paputok. Mag-ingat sa paggamit. Kung ayaw mong masugatan, huwag kang tatanga-tanga.

Enrile Firecracker
Ang unang firecracker na ibinenta sa Pilipinas. Ilang beses na rin itong ipinagbawal ng pamahalaan pero tuwing magpapalit ng administrasyon, nagpapalit rin ng packaging.

Erap Firecracker
Pansamantalang nawala sa market ngunit matagumpay na nakabalik. Muling bumenta at kinagat ng publiko.

Junjun Binay Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Kahit anong pigil mo, kahit ipagbawal ng authorities, puputok pa rin.

Junjun Binay Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Pumuputok lamang ang firecracker na ito kung ang magsisindi ay nakapayong!


Napoles Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Paboritong paputok ng mga senador at kongresista and their chiefs of staff, governors, mayors, at iba pang high-profile personalities. Bidang-bida ang paputok na ito sa kanilang parties and events. (Noon ‘yon.)

Napoles Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Ayon sa advertisement, malakas raw itong sumabog. May kamahalan kasi – pero kapag sinindihan mo na, wala namang tunog. Sasayangin lang nito ang oras mo.

Butch Abad Firecracker
Ang paputok para sa mga close friends at allies ng manufacturer. Kung hindi ka friend, hindi ka bebentahan.

Jinggoy Firecracker
Kahit hindi ikaw ang nagsindi, matitilamsikan ka ng pulbura ng paputok na ito. Damay-damay na.


Mar Roxas Firecracker
Kapag bibili ka nito sa tindahan, kailangang magpakita ka ng sulat mula sa iyong parents bilang patunay na pinapayagan ka nilang bumili. You must remember, the firecracker is illegal, you are just a kid.

Romualdez Firecracker
Mausok ang paputok na ito. Warning: Nakakaiyak ang fumes.

Meralco Firecracker
Laging tumataas ang presyo ng paputok na ito. At kahit hindi naman ikaw ang gumamit, ikaw pa rin ang nagbabayad! Unfair!

Zenaida Ducut Firecracker
Grabe ang kapal ng packaging ng paputok na ito. Kahit idineklarang ilegal, nasa market pa rin. Ayaw talagang mawala.

Pacquiao Firecracker
Sabayan ng sign of the cross ang pagsisindi dahil baka ‘di mo kayanin ang kanyang lakas. Pray ka na lang kay Lord!

Kim Henares Firecracker
Scary ang paputok na ito. Kapag mayaman ka at sinindihan mo ito, hahabulin ka!

Eric Tayag Firecracker
Ang nakaaaliw na paputok. Matapos sindihan, sumasayaw. Highly-recommended for the whole family.

Ruffy Biazon and Ricky Carandang Firecrackers
Inihinto na ang production ng mga paputok na ito. Hindi na raw bumibenta.

Arnold Clavio Firecracker
Ang paputok na madaling mag-init.

erER Ejercito Firecracker
Hindi lang siya basta firecracker. Period. Deadma na lang sa packaging na mukhang Photoshopped.

Anne Curtis Firecracker
Ang nakagugulat na firecracker. Pagkasindi mo rito, nagwawala kaagad. Ingat mga friends!

Freddie Aguilar Firecracker
Lumang klase ng firecracker pero pumuputok pa rin (daw). Ilayo ang mga bata. Delikado.

Wally Bayola Firecracker
(‘Wag na lang ‘to.)
———————————————————————-
“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
~Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“‘Yung mga kritiko ho natin may industriya na ho sa Pilipinas na sa totoo lang ho hindi ba ang dali namang sumulat ka sa papel, banat ka. Talagang kami ho tuksung-tuksong sabihin, ‘kayo nga kaya ang pumunta rito at subukan n’yo ang magagawa n’yo, ‘di ba? Problema ho ni ayaw tumakbo. Bahala na si Lord sa inyo, busy ako.”
~President Aquino to critics

Have a safe 2014! Happy New Year!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABC, Freepik.com, DOH]





LITTLE BOSSINGS AND OTHER STORIES

26 12 2013

CHRISTMAS is over. We can all go back to hating the Tandas and the Pogis and the Sexys of this world. And the Ma’am Janets and Ma’am Arlenes too.

petillaStaying
For failing to keep his promise to restore power supply by Christmas Eve in all towns ravaged by super typhoon Yolanda, Energy Sec. Jericho Petilla expressed his intention to quit his post. That’s conduct unbecoming of a ‘real’ Pinoy politician.

President Aquino rejected Energy Sec. Jericho Petilla’s resignation. Rumors say Petilla is heard telling the President, “Sir, I failed to keep my promise.” But the President allegedly replied, “Buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?”

President Aquino rejected the resignation of Energy Secretary Jericho Petilla. And Ruffy Biazon was like, “’k.”

Energy Sec. Jericho Petilla wanted to step down because he failed to do his job. Take that Zenaida Ducut!

sm robbersMall Policy
Suspected members of the Martilyo Gang robbed two jewelry stores in two branches of SM Supermalls in 2013. To prevent similar incidents, the PNP is imposing a ban on caps and sunglasses in shopping malls. SM should do its part by imposing a ban on inept security personnel.

To prevent robbery and similar crimes, the Philippine National Police has banned the wearing of sunglasses in shopping malls. That’s totally understandable since wearing of shades in malls is a crime of fashion.

In other news, the PNP has also announced its plan to ban the wearing of coat and tie in Congress.

Honest
A Filipino cab driver in Las Vegas returned a bag containing $300,000 to a passenger. This taxi driver will never be a successful politician in case he forays into politics.

CPP Turns 45
The Communist Party of the Philippines celebrated its 45th anniversary on Dec. 26. In its 45th anniversary statement, the CPP called for the ouster of the president of the Philippines. The statement was drafted 45 years ago.

Boring
President Aquino was quoted to have quipped that it would be boring if the country didn’t have any problems, e.g. his misplaced humor.

movieBreak
President Aquino took some time out to relax by watching the film fest entry “My Little Bossings’ starring his nephew, James ‘Bimby’ Yap Jr. The movie’s about a rich boy who had to adjust to a very unfamiliar environment. Nope, it’s not about Noy and the presidency.

GMA
In the spirit of Christmas, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos and Joseph Estrada separately visited former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at the Veterans Memorial Medical Center. On Thursday, Malacañang said President Aquino had no plans of visiting her. To be fair to the President, he did remember Mrs. Arroyo on Christmas Day – when he watched “My Little Bossings.”
——————————————————————-
“Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.”
~ Aristotle

Sound Bites
“The President strongly believes that the law has to take its course and that accountability must be exacted. The President holds no ill will for the former President.”
~Palace spokesman Herminio Coloma on why President Aquino decided not to visit Mrs. Arroyo

Congratulations to those who passed the UPCAT. To those who did not, all is not lost. May chance pa!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





CHRISTMAS 2013

24 12 2013

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!

My wish is to see a crooked lawmaker or public official arrested, tried, and jailed for stealing people’s money.

Untitled

Thank you everyone for keeping me company in 2013.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
—————————————————–
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
~Garrison Keillor

Sound Bites
“Tatandaan ninyo ‘pag dumating ang panahong wala tayong problema, iyon naman ang problema. Dahil magiging boring na. Pero puwede rin namang ‘wag masyadong ‘interesting’ at ‘exciting.’”
~President Aquino

#whut

Thank you Supreme Court for playing Santa Claus this holiday season. To Meralco and ERC, o loko! #TRO

[Photo: Toon Refugee.Com]





EXCLUSIVE: BINAY’S UMBRELLA BREAKS ITS SILENCE ON DASMA GATE

22 12 2013

THE BINAY SIBLINGS, a mayor and a senator have spoken. The security agency, and the villagers have also released their respective statements. Today, we’ll hear from one of the witnesses whose name has been unfairly dragged into the Dasma Gate controversy.

Please welcome… ang PAYONG.

Untitled2a
Huwag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa. Unang tanong: Kitang-kita ka sa CCTV nang gabing maganap ang insidente. Ano ang ginagawa mo ro’n?

Ang totoo po n’yan, natutulog ako sa likod ng kotse nang oras na ‘yon. Napagod kasi ako dahil halos maghapon akong ginamit. Nagulat na lang ako nang may dumampot sa akin. After a few seconds, katabi ko na ho si Mayor.

Umuulan ba ng gabing ‘yon o kaya umaambon man lang?

Hindi ho.

So bakit kailangang lumabas ka?

Itanong n’yo na lang ho kay Mayor. Ayaw kong mawalan ng trabaho eh.

Fine! Lagi ka bang ginagamit ni Mayor?

Pwede ho bang off-the-record na lang ang sasabihin ko?

Sige.

Lagi nga ho akong pinag-o-OT eh. Maging sa dinner o kaya sa shower, ultimo sa pagdumi niya, nakapayong pa! Ok lang ho ‘yong dinner o shower eh pero ‘yong pagtae, hindi ko kinakaya.

That’s really weird.

Kayo ho ang nagsabi n’yan.

Untitled2a
Anyway, ‘wag na nating pakialaman ang pribadong activities ng amo mo dahil labas na ang publiko d’yan. Balik tayo sa nangyari sa Dasma. Inuulan ngayon ng batikos si Mayor. Totoo bang sinabi niya sa mga security guards ang linyang, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

Medyo unfair ho ang lumalabas sa balita eh. Edited na ho. Malisyoso! Ganito ho ang kumpletong pag-uusap na narinig ko:

*****
“Merry Christmas mga pards! Kasama ko si senadora sa kasunod na kotse. Nagmamadali lang kami. Makikiraan naman d’yan.”

“Sorry sir, pero bawal na ho talagang dumaan. Past 10 PM na. Patakaran ho ‘yan.”

“Nakikita mo ba ako?”

“Oho sir. Pero bawal talaga.”

“Sigurado ka bang nakikita mo ako?”

“Oo naman sir. May ilaw naman eh.”

“Sige nga. Kung talagang nakikita mo ako… lugar ba ako?”

“Hindi!”

“Bagay?”

“Hindi!”

“Hayop?”

“Pwede!”

“T*ng-ina ka ah. Binabastos mo ba ako?”

“Sir, kahit guard ho ako, nag-take naman ako ng Biology noong high school. Ang humans ay hayop din, right? RIGHT!”

‘k. Ituloy na natin! Pagkain ba ako?

“Hindi!”

“Anak ba ako ng pulitiko?”

“Oo!”

“Anak ba ako ng susunod na presidente?”

“Assuming!”

“Ulol! Member ba ako ng political dynasty?”

“Naman!”

“Gago ka ah! Oo o Hindi lang! Political dynasty ba kami?”

“Pass!”

“Sino ako?”

“Tanga ba kayo sir? Oo o Hindi questions lang!”

“Sorry naman. May kapatid ba akong senadora?”

“Sort of!”

“Tarantado! Anong sort of? Inuulit ko: may kapatid ba akong senadora?”

“Oo! Ayan nga ho, nakatayo sa likod ng kotse n’yo!”

“Padadaanin n’yo ba ako?

“Hindi!!! Naku! Time’s up na sir!”

“Ayaw n’yo talaga akong padaanin? Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

“Sorry nga sir, tapos na ang 2 minutes eh.”

Untitled2a
Ibig sabihin, talagang binitiwan ng amo mo ang linyang, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

To be fair ho kay Mayor, naabutan siya ng time bago niya itinanong ‘yon. So, hindi po counted.

Totoo bang kusa raw sumama sa Makati City Police Headquarters ang mga security guards?

May choice ba sila? Ayaw kong sagutin ‘yan. Mahirap na. Ang sarap-sarap ng buhay na tahimik ‘noh!

May nagpapatanong nga pala, bakit daw blue and white ka? Associated daw kay Mar Roxas ang blue. Mas bagay raw ang itim na payong kay Mayor.

Alam n’yo ho, ‘yan ang problema sa mga kritiko ng amo ko – masyadong pini-personal ang debate; pati hitsura, pinaglalaruan. May na-mention pang komedyanteng kamukha raw. Eh ‘di kayo na ang perfect! Pati kulay ng balat pinagdidiskitahan. That’s racism!

Racism agad-agad?

Sige… melaninism na lang! Hindi ho ikinakahiya ni Mayor na melanin-gifted siya. Kung may problema kayo sa balat n’ya, problema n’yo na ho ‘yon pero ‘wag n’yo itong gamiting isyu laban sa kanya. Masyado kayong namumulitika!

Ano’ng reaksyon mo sa pagkukumpara ng mga tao sa pagpapayong ni Mayor at ni dating First Lady Imelda Marcos?

Sumalangit nawa ang kaluluwa niya.

Sira-ulo! Buhay pa si Mrs. Marcos.

Buhay pa ba? Sorry. Hindi ko kasi naabutan ang pagpapayong niya noon. Tanungin mo na lang si Mayor. Mas familiar siguro s’ya.

Balik tayo sa insidente sa Dasma. Sa palagay mo ba ay tama ang naging asal ng iyong amo nang gabing ‘yon?

Merry Christmas nga ho pala! Marami ba kayong inaanak?

Again, inaamin mo bang mali nga si Mayor?

Grabe ho talaga ang nangyari sa NAIA Terminal 3! Wala talagang silbi ang mga pulis at ang DILG Secretary na ‘yan! Hoy Mr. Palengke, mag-resign ka na!

Huling tanong, bilang eyewitness sa pangyayari sa Banyan gate ng Dasmarinas Village, sa tingin mo ba ay mali ang naging asal ng amo mo?

Naku! I have to go na ho. May nag-text! “Dear Payong, Umuwi ka na. Natatae ako. – Mayor.” BYE!
———————————————————————-
“The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it.”
~Lord Macaulay

Sound Bites
“I am saddened by the statement of the VP that he should have been given courtesy. No amount of need of courtesy will justify your willingness to kill a person just because he did not give you courtesy. You can’t demand courtesy by the barrel of a gun.”
~Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano on the Dasma Village incident

“I am not one who comments on every issue just to get publicity and to advance any political plans. At hindi ko ugaling manira ng ibang tao para lang malagay sa media.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay on Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano’s reaction to DasmaGate

“The sad fact is that people in power continue to find the need to flex muscle at the slightest opportunity, and take umbrage when crossed, and cry malice, cry persecution, when found out and exposed.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer Editorial

Happy Holidays!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer]





OF PICK-UP LINES AND POWER TRIP

19 12 2013

Modern Pick-up Lines for Filipinos

ducutmeralco
Sana Meralco ka na lang.
Para sobra-sobra ka ring magmahal.

Sana ERC ka na lang.
Para oo ka lang nang oo.

Untitled2a
Skyway ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… nahuhulog na ang loob ko sa ‘yo!

Sandali lang. Hindi pa kita kilala ah. Don Mariano Transit ka ba?
Bakit?
Ang bilis mo kasi!

121
Sana si President Aquino ka na lang.
Para magaling kang magpaputok.

Sana si Vice President Binay ka na lang.
Para you’ll put a label on our relationship.

1
Si Janet Lim-Napoles ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… ninakaw mo ang puso ko!

Sana si Mar Roxas ka na lang.
Para kahit anong mangyari, lagi kang nando’n.

Sana si BIR Commissioner Kim Henares ka na lang.
Para lagi mo akong hahabulin.

DJ-Enrile
GIRL: Sweetheart, sana si Miriam Defensor-Santiago ka na lang.
BOY: Bakit naman babe?
GIRL: Para lagi kang galit.

BOY: Ikaw naman babe, para kang si Juan Ponce Enrile tuwing may session.
GIRL: Bakit?
BOY: Kasi, lagi mo akong pinaglalaruan.

Si Grace Poe ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… you’re my No. 1!

Sana si Manny Villar ka na lang.
Para maging real property mo ako.

GIRL: Hon, sana si Budget Sec. Butch Abad ka na lang.
BOY: Bakit?
GIRL: Para release ka lang nang release.

leviste-pdi
Si dating Batangas governor Antonio Leviste ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… you have a killer smile.

Sana weather forecaster ka na lang.
Para may PAGASA ako sa ‘yo.

Si Anne Curtis ka ba?
Bakit?
(‘Wag na lang. Baka masampal mo pa ako.)

Untitled
Trending Topic: Mayor Binay
Prevented by Dasmariñas Village guards from passing through a restricted gate, Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, according to an Inquirer report, said, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?” To be fair to the guards, it was really dark that night.

The guards who stopped the convoy of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay and Sen. Nancy Binay were taken to the Makati City Police headquarters where they were detained for four hours. Asked how they felt during the “ordeal,” the guards replied, “2016.”

According to Binay spokesman Joey Salgado, the issue had been settled, and, the guards have “apologized profusely for the incident.” Or as the security agency would say, ‘No choice.’

When his convoy was stopped by Dasmariñas Village guards, Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay allegedly said, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?” That’s according to the Inquirer source. But according to Phoemela Barranda, Binay didn’t say those words.

Sana si Makati Mayor Binay ka na lang.
Para kahit bawal, pasok pa rin si Junjun!

Ducut
In a Senate hearing last Wednesday, Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut (who approved the huge 4.16 per kilowatt hour Meralco rate hike) told senators, “Ang ERC po ay nakikiisa sa damdamin ng taumbayan.” And the taumbayan were like, “May damdamin pa kayo ng lagay na ‘yan?”

UntitledTop Searches
According to Google, the most searched Filipino celebrities in 2013 were: (1) Neri Naig (2) EB Babe Yosh (3) Wally Bayola (4) Ariella Arida and (5) Chito Miranda. I didn’t know Ariella Arida had a sex video.
—————————————————————————-
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Sound Bites
“Nasasabi doon, ‘Talagang napakaraming maganda sa Pilipinas. Natuwa naman ako doon. Tapos ‘yung dagdag niya, ‘Kaya ikaw PNoy, wala ka nang dahilan. Sabi ko may kasalanan pa pala ako dito. Okay lang naman, mag-heckle ka na kung gusto mo basta tuloy lang kaming magtatrabaho po rito.”
~ President Aquino reacting to my tweet last Tuesday night

Ngek.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, DJ Sta. Ana, Manila Bulletin Last.fm, ERC, Meralco, GlobalBalita)





SKYFALL. HEIST!

16 12 2013

Untitled2
ANOTHER ROBBERY took place at a branch of SM Supermalls. This time, the heist happened at SM North Edsa on Sunday night. Apparently, the robbers were able to sneak past mall security because they didn’t look like robbers at all. According to witnesses, they looked like lawmakers.

Police say the suspects were so daring they did not even try to cover their faces as they pulled of the robbery. Who the hell did they think they were… congressmen?

According to reports, a concerned President Aquino decided to check on SM North Edsa just a couple of hours after the robbery. When is he going to check on the Senate and the Lower House?

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says the mall’s CCTV footage is clear and extensive. He’s hoping Jose Mari Gonzales won’t edit it.

Police claim the robbers were captured on CCTV. One robber was old, one was handsome, and another was sexy.

Untitled2
President Aquino and Secretary Roxas both visited the crime scene Sunday night. Roxas was doing his job. Aquino was doing Herbert Bautista’s job.

Last January, there was a similar incident at SM Megamall. The robbers were also identified as members of the so-called Martilyo Gang. HisThory repeats itself.

Secretary Roxas said some P5 million worth of jewelry were stolen from SM City North Edsa. Janet Napoles allegedly stole some P10 billion in pork barrel funds. Martilyo Gang members are confident they would be given the chance to surrender to President Aquino in Malacañang too.

UntitledSkyfall
A Don Mariano passenger bus fell off the Skyway on South Luzon Expressway around 5 am, Dec. 16. Probers put the initial death toll at 22. President Aquino believes the figure is too high.

A revised figure was released Monday evening. Reports said the accident killed 18 people only. The cop who gave the initial death toll was lucky Mar Roxas didn’t order him relieved.

Discovery
Scientists recently discovered fossil remains of a 4.4-million-year-old horse. Apparently, it was the same horse Senator Enrile used to ride back in his youth.

Untitled2Executed
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has had his once powerful uncle executed for alleged corruption – prompting Peping Cojuangco to ask his nephew, Noynoy Aquino, “You’re not eccentric, right?”
————————————————-
“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”
~ Criss Jami

Sound Bites
“Siniguro ng Pangulo na nasa mga pulis ang sapat na kakayahan at imbestigasyon at tiniyak naman niya na ang utos niya na arestuhin ang dapat arestuhin at full force ang dapat mangyari ditO.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas on why President Aquino went to SM North Edsa after the robbery last Sunday

Have a fun and safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA Network, ABS-CBN News/Jacque Manabat, The Guardian]





PAGE 2013: A YEAR-ENDER

14 12 2013

Untitled
WE’RE TAKING a look back at the year’s most memorable moments: triumphs, tragedies and controversies, and the people – good or bad – who made the headlines.

This is… Page 2013: A Year-End Report

People of the Year
#YolandaPh volunteers and donors (both local and foreign)
Thank you!

Stories of the Year
Pork Barrel Scam
#YolandaPH

nap 2

Newsmaker of the Year
Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles

Ruling of the Year
“The pork barrel system is unconstitutional!”
~ Supreme Court of the Philippines

Women of the Year
COA Chair Grace Pulido-Tan
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
BIR Commissioner Kim Henares
Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno

Super Villains of the Year
Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, Bong Revilla
and the alleged pork barrel thieves in government

untitled

Team of the Year
PDAF Scam Whistleblowers

Special Citation: Eksenadora of the Year
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Special Citation: Spokesperson of the Year
Malacañang for Meralco: “The P4.16/kWh rate hike is reasonable.”

Special Citation: Entertainer of the Year
Health Asst. Sec. Eric Tayag

Special Citation: Joke of the Year
Kris Aquino announces resignation

“I’m giving up my shows. Hindi ko sinasabi ‘yan so that I can say that I’m the one making the bigger sacrifice, no. Tinatalikuran ko ‘yung mundong kinilala kong bumuhay sa ‘kin, dahil higit dun sa karera ko, mas mahal ko ang anak ko. At paglaki ng anak ko gusto ko talagang malaman niya na ibinigay ko ang lahat. Dahil noong nabubuhay ang mom namin ibinigay niya ang lahat para sa ‘min. Ibinibigay ko ang lahat para sa anak ko.”

tolSpecial Citation: Patola of the Year
MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino

On Dan Brown’s novel in which Manila was depicted as “the gates of hell”
“Pinapalabas niyang ang Metro Manila puro kadumihan. We surmise that Mr. Brown is not familiar with Manila or Metro Manila. [This is where the cradle of Catholicism] is as well as other religions. Truly, our place is an entry to heaven.”

Mag-Move On Ka Na Award
President Noynoy Aquino (Tama na ang paninisi! Utang na loob!)

THE 2013 SARI-SARI LIST

bbWinners
- Pope Francis
- The economy (in all fairness!)
- The Philippine Daily Inquirer’s pork barrel scam series
Special Mention:
- Million People March
- Grace Poe #topnotcher
- Nancy Binay #AkalainMoYun

2Losers
- Corrupt lawmakers and their cohorts [SC: Pork is illegal]
- Jeane ‘Bebe Gurr’ Napoles [The nerve!]
- Jack Enrile – the highest spender in the 2013 senatorial elections lost big time!
Special Mention:
- CBCP’s anti- “Team Patay” propaganda in the last elections #fail
- Kit Tatad: “RH Law is genocide.”
- Atimonan Police Checkpoint (Rubout!)

MEWar of the Words
- Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Juan Ponce Enrile
- Mar Roxas vs. Alfred Romualdez
- Philippines vs. Taiwan (over the shooting of a Taiwanese fisherman)
Special Mention:
- Manny Pacquiao vs. Kim Henares
- Vice Ganda vs. Jessica Soho
- Vice Ganda vs. Nancy Binay
- Makati vs. Taguig (over Bonifacio Global City)
- Alan Peter Cayetano vs. Juan Ponce Enrile
- Heart Evangelista vs. her parents

1KWTF Moments
- Just Married: Freddie Aguilar, 60 and “Babe,” 16
- Caught on Cam: Then LTO Chief Virginia Torres playing a slot machine
- Epal: Binay stickers on the relief goods for Yolanda victims
Special Mention:
- Say What?: Airport officials reveal: NAIA Terminal 3 has no CCTV
- Ibang Level: Juan Ponce Enrile playing Bejeweled while working
- Unfairness: Cong. Magtanggol Gunigundo’s proposed lifetime tax break for Pacquiao
- Stolen Shots: UP masteral student Mark Solis’s plagiarized photos
- Front Page: Philippine Daily Inquirer’s fake TIME cover #toingks
- Wat Da Pak: Surian ng Wikang Filipino’s proposal to change the official name of the country from Pilipinas/Philippines to Filipinas
- Sisterakas: The Aquino sisters on TV Patrol/24 Oras defending Kris against James Yap

bieberNegastars
- Gigi Reyes, Ruby Tuason, Richard Cambe and other lawmakers’ aides and staff who fled the country (now in hiding) at the height of the pork scam probe
- Nur Misuari (Zamboanga siege)
- Junjun Binay (Dasma Village incident)
- Butch Abad, Frank Drilon and DAP
Special Mention:
- Jojo Ochoa (And his alleged ties with Napoles!)
- Arnold Clavio
- Korina Sanchez
- Meralco and the 4.16/kWh power rate hike (Eff u!)
- Don Mariano Transit

napolesComebacks
- The PCOS Machine
- Manny Pacquiao
- Joseph Estrada
Special Mention:
- Gilas Pilipinas, Not this time Korea. Not this time! We’re off to the FIBA World Cup
- Nonito Donaire
- DLSU Green Archers, champs again after six years!
- Doris Bigornia

eBreakups (Or something like that)
- Lorna Kapunan and Janet Lim-Napoles
- Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes
- Philippine Daily Inquirer and Pugad Baboy
Special Mention:
- Willie Revillame and TV5
- Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago
- The Barrettos

untitledGoing, Going… Gone!
- Pope Benedict XVI resigns
- Freedom of Information Bill – Anyareh?
- Communications Sec. Ricky Carandang and Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon
Special Mention:
- Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Mike Arroyo and Mikey Arroyo
- Edwin Lacierda
- Ateneo Blue Eagles Men’s Basketball Team (Season 76)
- The Gutierrezes
- Wally Bayola
- Ask. FM

bieberBreakout Performers
- Atty. Leni Robredo (She trumped a supertrapo!)
- Kobe Paras, slam dunk prince
- Jeron Teng
Special Mention:
- NU Pep Squad
- Tom Rodriguez, My Husband’s Lover
- Jessy Mendiola

1M
Disasters
- #YolandaPh
- Bohol Quake
- MV St. Thomas Aquinas collides with MV Sulpicio Express Siete: 55 dead
Special Mention
- Typhoon Labuyo
- USS Guardian runs aground at Tubbataha Reef
- Two Serendra Condominium Explosion
- Jinggoy’s privilege speech

1
Most Beautiful
- Megan Young, Miss World
- Bea Rose Santiago, Miss International
- Mutya Datul, Miss Supranational
- Ariella Arida, 3rd runner-up: Miss Universe
Special Mention:
- Ali Forbes, 3rd runner-up: Miss Grand International
- Koreen Medina, 3rd runner-up: Miss Intercontinental
- Gil Wagas, 4th runner-up: Mr. International
- Angelee De Los Reyes, Semifinalist: Miss Earth
- Cindy Miranda, Semifinalist: Miss Tourism Queen International

UntitledIn Memoriam: Notable Deaths
- Crocodile Lolong
- Freedom fighter Nelson Mandela, humanitarian Paul Walker
- Former Chief Justice Andres Narvasa, former Solicitor General Frank Chavez, former DOTC Sec. Leandro Mendoza, former Health Secretary Alberto Romualdez,
- Directors Behn Cervantes and Eddie Romero, activist priest Joe Dizon
- National Artists Andrea Veneracion and Daisy Avellana, anthropologist F. Landa Jocano, Isagani Cruz
- Bella Flores, Subas Herrero, Ama Quiambao, Sammy Lagmay, Susan Fuentes, Renato Del Prado, Pepe Pimentel, Papa Dom Gamboa of Tropical Depression
- Journalist June Keithley, chef Nora Daza
- Sultan Jamalul Kiram, Former QC Mayor Mel Mathay Jr.
- UP Manila student Kristel Tejada

UntitledBuzz Words/Phrases
- Selfie
- Throwback Thursday
- “… pag may time!”
- Tanda, Pogi, Sexy
- DAP
- Storm surge
- Look up! Look up!
- Push mo ‘yan!

1NANSound Bites
“At the end of the day, ang apelyido ko pa rin ang nagpapanalo sa akin sa halalang ito.”
~ Sen. Nancy Binay

“Basta huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao! Eh, anong ibibigay namin? Hindi naman puwede ‘yong sa pinaghihirapan namin dahil sa personal naman namin ‘yon, sa mga anak, sa mga pang-araw-araw na panggastos namin.”
~ Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado-Revilla on the proposed abolition of the pork barrel

“You have to remember, you are a Romuldez and the President is an Aquino.”
~ DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

“Hindi naman ako ordinaryong governor. Artista rin ako. At ‘di ako basta-bastang artista. Ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!”
~ ER Ejercito justifying his being late for a palace meeting with President Aquino

image
“Wala pong nanggaling sa gobyerno kahit piso.”
~ Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles on her wealth

“We are supposed to be celebrating that we got the biggest crook in Philippine politics. Hindi natin nakuha ng murder, ng cheating, ng kung anu-ano pa. We finally nailed him with this one. We should be celebrating. This guy has committed so many crimes, we failed to nail him.”
~ Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s alleged involvedment in the pork scam

“Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”
~ Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay

“Saan po kaya kumukuha ng kapal ng mukha ang mga kawani sa ahensiyang ito?”
~ President Aquino berating the Bureau of Customs, SONA 2013

SALCEDA
“Ang hirap nga lang kung si Jessica Soho magbo-bold. Kailangan gang rape lagi. Sasabihin ng rapist, ‘Ipasa ang lechon.’ Sasabihin naman ni Jessica, ‘Eh nasaan yung apple?’”
~ Vice Ganda during his Big Dome Concert

“Rape is not a joke and should never be material for a comedy concert. I thank all those who shared my hurt and expressed their support, but this should not be about me but about rape victims who suffer tremendously from this terrible crime. The horrors they go through are unspeakable and should never be taken lightly, especially by way of a cruel joke.”
~ Journalist Jessica Soho

kris
“Tandaan mo ‘to: may three years pa ang kapatid ko.”
~ Kris Aquino to James Yap during one of their fights

“I am endorsing Sonny Angara because I want young people in the Senate. He is young, idealistic, and full of sex appeal. ”
~ Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

“Ewan ko ho. Hindi ko ho alam. I invoke my right blah blah blah…”
~ Janet Lim-Napoles at the Senate

“If anyone reading this can prove to me that my husband has stolen any amount from his PDAF in his 12 years as senator, I will give you P10 million in cash and I will leave my husband.”
~ Sharon Cuneta reacting to Jinggoy Estrada’s privilege speech on PDAF

1K
“Kuya, bibigyan kita ng picture. ’Wag mo na akong picturan. Pangit ako ngayon.”
~Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles to an Inquirer photographer during PDI’s exclusive interview

“The last time I spoke to the Senator from abroad… he even told me to be strong… that we will fight together.”
~ Gigi Reyes, Enrile’s chief of staff and rumored girlfriend

“It’s not the end of my political career.”
~ Annabelle Rama after losing in the congressional race in Cebu

“Pansira ka ng araw… tatawa-tawa ka pa! Sana pala hindi na namin kayo tinawagan. Wala akong nakuha sa inyo!”
~Arnold Clavio to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Alfredo Villamor

“I can buy you, your friends and this club.”
~ Anne Curtis to Phoemela Barranda

1char
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~ Charice telling the whole world she’s gay

“Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?”
~ Pope Francis

“Accuracy is what we care most about here at CNN. In every report, we have shown how strong the Filipino people are. Ms Sanchez is welcome to go there and I would urge her to go there. I don’t know if she has but her husband is the interior minister, I’m sure he could arrange her flight.”
~ CNN’s Anderson Cooper to Korina Sanchez

untitled
“Nahanap ko na ang taong para sa akin. ‘Wag na nilang ilayo ang taong mahal ko. Masaya na ako. Everybody deserves to be happy.”
~ Heart Evangelista

“Child abuse ba ‘yong inaalagaan ka? Hindi ko siya iiwan. Mahal ko siya.”
~ Folk singer Freddie Aguilar’s 16-year-old gf/wife

“Ariella Arida, Laguna, Pheleppens!”
~Ariella Arida, Miss Universe 2013 3rd runner-up on coronation night

“Kanina, nakita natin ang pagdagsa sa Ayala ng mga tae…”
~ Journalist Jiggy Manicad to a guest interviewee on GMANewsTV’s ‘QRT’
———————————————————————–
“If you don’t know history, then you don’t know anything. You are a leaf that doesn’t know it is part of a tree.”
~ Michael Crichton

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PDI, PhilStar, GMANews, ABSCBNNews, Interaksyon, Rappler, Anonymous Inc, Reuters, Heart Evangelista)





WORD WAR

10 12 2013

Untitled
VICE PRESIDENT Binay left for Johannesburg Monday to attend the memorial service for Nobel laureate and former South African president Nelson Mandela in Qunu village. Yes, the Vice President is now in Africa. Don’t expect me to make a racist joke about Binay. I don’t wanna be accused of black propaganda.

RomualdezRomualdez vs. Roxas
Watching DILG Sec. Mar Roxas and Tacloban City Mayor Alfred Romualdez trade barbs on TV is like watching a boxing match. I don’t have the latest score yet but I think Binay is ahead on points.

An emotional Tacloban City Mayor Alfred Romualdez breaks down in tears during a congressional hearing. Imeldific.

BOC OIC
The Bureau of Customs has a new OIC. Finance Undersecretary John Philip Sevilla says his appointment to the BOC proves that God has “a sense of humor.” Sevilla will serve for only two months but one of his goals is to “stop smuggling” in the country. He, too, has a sense of humor.

Poor
The latest SWS survey showed 1 in 4 Filipinos remains poor. The other three are still in denial.

Satisfied
According to the latest SWS survey, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating has dropped to +56 percentage points in September. If it’s any consolation, that figure was way much higher than the combined satisfaction ratings given by his ex-girlfriends.

Contender
Yahoo! News reported that the World Boxing Council has named Manny Pacquiao the No. 1 contender to Floyd Mayweather Jr’s welterweight title. Pacquiao’s potential mega-buck bout excites Freddie Roach, Bob Arum, and Kim Henares.

Briefly Noted
The very outspoken Edwin Lacierda is very silent these days. I hope he’s okay.

Leviste
A daughter of paroled homicide convict Jose Antonio Leviste respects President Aquino’s order to probe the granting of parole to her dad. Toni Leviste explains, “We leave everything to God.” To which God replied, “’k.”

Sotto and Drugs
After the controversial bar slapping incident involving TV host Anne Curtis, Tito Sotto proposes a random drug test on celebrities. If he wants to rid the industry of drug users, the death of local showbiz looms.

Mars Mission
Reports say a Dutch company is pushing through with its plan of sending four humans to planet Mars in 2018. To date, some 200,000 people have applied for it. Those people are called nuts.

A 2018 Mars mission is sending four people to the Red Planet. The catch: it’s a one-way trip. I hope they’d add more slots. We’d like to volunteer our lawmakers!

bieberBieber
Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber is in the country to raise funds for Yolanda victims. Bieber performed in a mini-concert, and played hoops with kids in Tacloban City. I’m still verifying rumors though that the mayor of Tacloban was prevented by burly bodyguards from shaking hands with Justin saying, “You have to understand that you are a Romualdez and our boss is a Bieber.”
———————————————————————
“Politics is the art of saying well that which may or may not be true.”
~ Orrin Woodward

Sound Bites
“People were feeling frustrated seeing all these military planes and trucks, and there were dead people, and they were hearing the voices of survivors. And yet there was never and ever any rescue up to today.”
~Tacloban City Mayor Alfred Romualdez

“You have to understand you are a Romualdez and the President is an Aquino. He has to be very careful. The national government, we have to be very careful just taking over because the President does not want to be misconstrued na nang-aagaw ng kapangyarihan.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas recalling his conversation with Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez

I’ll be fair to everyone this Christmas. Nobody gets a gift.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Global Partnership.Org, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, Coach Chot Reyes]








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