EXCLUSIVE! THE QUEEN’S VAGINA BREAKS ITS SILENCE

24 05 2014

ONLINE REPORTS have quoted the private doctor of Janet Lim-Napoles as saying sexual contact may have caused the vaginal bleeding of the alleged pork barrel scam queen. But her lawyer denied it, saying she didn’t have sex while confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The doctor then claimed he was possibly misquoted. So what’s the truth?

In the interest of accurate, fair, and balanced reporting, we sought Napoles’s vagina for comment and luckily, the request for an interview was granted. To make the vagina more comfortable, we asked Krissy to do the exclusive! Enjoy!

Ladies and gentlemen… the one… the only… the one and the only KRISSY!

LEILA
HELLLOOOOO! I’m baaaaack! ‘Kita n’yo naman. Kahit busy ako sa taping, commercial shoot, live TV shows, at sa imaginary love life ko, pinagbigyan ko pa rin kayo. Say ‘thank you Krissy!’ Come on. Say thank you to me naaaa. Ayaw n’yo? Fine. Ako na nga lang ang magti-thank you… ‘Thank you Krissy for being so masipag. You’re the best talaga.’ There. I said it. Gosh. Para na naman akong luka-luka. Nagsasalita akong mag-isa Aha-ha-ha Anyway, diretso na tayo sa interview dahil kailangan kong umalis nang maaga. Teka, asan na ba

Hi Krissy! Mwah!

Ay!!! Nakakaloka ka. Nand’yan ka na pala. Grabehh, namumula ka. It’s so hot kasi, right? Mga Kapamilya… kasama ko po ngayon – first and exclusive – dito lang siya magsasalita – hindi kay Jessica, hindi kay Korina, at lalong hindi kay Anthony Taberna… ang kontrobersyal na sex organ ng equally controversial niyang amo si Ms Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. Hi there!

Hello Krissy! Mwah!

Wait! Bakit ka ba mwah nang mwah? Ang sagwa huh. Hindi ko feel ang expression mo when you say mwah. Promise. How old ka na ba?

Singkwenta na Krissy.

In fairness huh… hindi halata. Mukha ka lang 62 aha-ha-ha! Ano nga palang status mo? Fresh, Rotten, o Sakto Lang?

Virgin.

You wish! Aha-ha-ha Ilusyunada ka rin huh! By the way, I like your hair!

I like yours too. Ahihihi. Mas maigsi nga lang ‘yong sa ‘yo.

True! Pero mas love ko ang color ng hair mo kahit may split ends. ‘Di masyadong light, ‘di rin masyadong dark. Sinong gumupit sa ‘yo?

Si Ma’am Jenny lang.

Kaya pala! Tell her konting trim pa Aha-ha-ha Sandali, I’ll take a photo of you, ipapakita ko kay Boy.

Naku! ‘Wag na Krissy. Pangit ako ngayon. Marami akong selfie sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Bibigyan na lang kita next time.

Arte! So anong feeling na nasa news ka ngayon? Bongga ka huh! Tinalbugan mo ang World Economic Forum at ang Martial Law sa Thailand! Ikaw talaga ang top story! Kaloka.

Nagtataka nga ako Krissy kung bakit banner story ako sa mga news sites at evening news program. Talk about priorities!

V
Alam mo, you speak better English than your Ma’am Jenny. I like you naaaa! Smart vajayjay ka.

Thank you Krissy. ‘Yon bang sa ‘yo magaling na?

Excuuuuse me! I’m clean ‘no! If you’re referring to that Joey Marquez thingy, come on! 2014 na… nag-move on na ang lahat! I’m ok now. I feel fresh! Sandali, bakit ba napunta sa akin ang usapan? Ikaw ang isyu ngayon! So, ano? Dinudugo ka ba talaga?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Helllloooo! Mismong private doctor mo na ang nagsabing bleeding ka raw. You mean he’s lying?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Kainis ka! Manang-mana ka sa amo mo. Ito na lang: totoo bang nakipag-sex ang iyong Ma’am Jenny kaya ka dinudugo?

Ano ako… virgin?!? Wala nang uterus, wala nang ovaries… tapos intact ang hymen? Hiyang-hiya naman sa akin si Mama Mary!

So, ano nga? Naging intimate ba these past few days ang Ma’am Jenny at Sir Jaime mo?

MOMOL lang.

Winner! Updated ka huh! Pati MOMOL alam mo. Titigan mo na lang ang picture na ito ng iyong amo. Hindi ko siya kinaya! Kahit naka-confine at sari-saring sakit ang idinadaing, may time pang magpa-manicure.

napoles

Nitong mga nakaraang araw ba napansin mo sa iyong paligid ang kanyang French tip?

Hindi ko matandaan. Baka tulog ako.

Natutulog talaga ang puk*?!!? NILOLOKO mo naman ako eh. I hate you naaa.

Ewan ko ho. ‘Tsaka masyado nang private ‘yan. Kailangan ba talagang itanong?

As a matter of fact, yes. Alam mo naman, desperate times call for desperate measures. Who knows, baka sinadya ang pagdurugo mo para manatili ang Ma’am Jenny mo sa ospital. Sabi nga ni Sen. Sonny Angara, kailangang i-prove ang claim. So ano? Ginagamit ka lang ba ng iyong amo para ‘di siya pabalikin sa Fort Sto. Domingo? Umamin ka!

GINAGAMIT?!? I wish!!! Paninira lang ‘yan.

Kung papipiliin ka, saan mo gustong mag-stay: Ospital ng Makati o Fort Sto. Domingo?

Siyempre sa OsMak! Ang init kaya sa Laguna! Lagi akong natutuyuan ng butil-butil na pawis do’n.

Yuccccck! Gross.

Sobra ka namang maka-yuck Krissy! Perfect ka?! At least si Ma’am Jenny, isa lang ang naging asawa. Hindi tulad ng iba d’yan, papalit-palit ng lalaki kaya until now, single pa rin at trying hard magka-boyfriend.

LEILA
Helllooooooo! At bakit pati love life ko pinapakialaman mo?

Wala akong binanggit na pangalan. Hashtag defensive.

I’m not defensive ‘no! Pero wala kang right magparinig sa akin. Kapatid ba kita?! Ballsy ba ang name mo o kaya Pinky? ‘Wag na si Viel, walang masasabi ‘yon. At least naging masaya ako sa piling ng mga nakarelasyon ko.

Yeah right.

Inggit ka lang kasi matatangkad sila at popular pa. Eh ‘yong amo mong lalaki?

Whatever.

Pork barrel queen ‘yang Ma’am Jenny mo!

Wala akong pakialam!

Hindi siya bibigyan ng immunity ng kapatid ko!

Hindi ako affected.

Pwes, makukulong siya for life! Sa Correctional! Walang aircon! Walang ventilation! Walang tubig! Pagpapawisan ka! Mangangamoy ka!

Ba’t ba tayo nag-aaway friend? ‘Di ba dapat love, love, love?

Boom panes! Aha-ha-ha! Eh ‘di sumuko ka rin. Ako na talaga! Huling tanong: kung bibigyan ka ng chance na lumipat sa ibang katawan, kaninong katawan ka lilipat: kay Dr. Elenita Binay o kay Korina Sanchez?

Walang third option?

Ayaw mo sa dalawa? Girl, malapit na ang 2016. Malay mo, maging First Vagina ka.

No, thanks. Eh ‘di ba may graft case din ‘yong isa sa kanila? Kapag minalas, kulungan pa rin ang bagsak ko.

Eh ‘di kay Korina ka na nga lang!

Ayaw ko rin. Afraid ako sa asawa niya ‘no! Eh kung mura-murahin ako no’n tapos magsisigaw: “Tang-i*a! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rule ang mag-asawa? Tang-i*a! Walang period, period sa akin!” Hard.

Eh kung sa akin ka na lang kaya lumipat?

Eeew.

Kapal mo huh! Masyado kang choosy ‘di ka naman pretty! Tse! Mag-message ka na nga lang sa Filipino people.

Ayoko nang maglitanya dahil pagod na rin ako. Haters gonna hate. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: In a major, major way, I labia all! Mwah.
———————————————————————————
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Our patient is human; she has her urges.”
~ Dr. Efren Domingo, JLN’s personal doctor

Yamaaan!
On a scale of Antonio Trillanes to Cynthia Villar, how filthy rich are you?
Untitled

Have a good weekend and a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino & Abunda Tonight, GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





RATED SPG: VAGINA, GODZILLA AND OTHER STORIES

21 05 2014

V
JANET LIM-NAPOLES’S personal doctors say she is suffering from vaginal bleeding. In the interest of fairness, we will get the side of the vagina.

According to her doctors, Janet Lim-Napoles is bleeding. Even her own blood couldn’t stand her anymore.

V
Reacting to Janet Lim-Napoles’s doctors’ claim that she’s suffering from vaginal bleeding, Sen. Sonny Angara said, “Well sa akin, ‘yong internal bleeding, mahirap idahilan ‘yon; kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” To which, Napoles replied, “With pleasure!”

Janet Napoles is allegedly suffering from vaginal bleeding. But Sen. Sonny Angara believes, “Kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” And former Senator Edgardo Angara was like, “Anak nga kita!”

Lies
Janet Lim-Napoles who repeatedly denied any involvement in the pork barrel scam is willing to undergo a lie detector test. In other news, Mila Kunis who’s due to give birth next month is willing to undergo a pregnancy test.

Pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is willing to undergo a lie detector test – on one condition. She wants multiple choice questions.

Janet Lim-Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera says not a single media personality received gifts of any form from Janet Lim-Napoles. Also, the Holocaust didn’t happen.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer, not a single media personality received gifts of any form from his client. Even Lolit Solis was like, “Echosera!”

1K
Detention Cell
The Philippine National Police is renovating a detention facility in Camp Crame for Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, and Bong Revilla in case the Sandiganbayan orders their arrest. The prospect of being imprisoned yet again doesn’t bother Enrile. He’s been through tougher times – like being a prisoner of love.

On Tuesday, Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “Basta ang masasabi ko lang, handa na ako because God is with me.” To which, God responded, “#AsaMuch!”

Accused of plunder, actor Bong Revilla said, “Handa na ako because God is with me.” When God heard this, He slapped two angels. #boompeyns

Power
Reports say the country’s power situation will worsen in three years. Or as Jojo Binay calls it, “my administration.”

The power situation is expected to worsen in three years. Vice (future) President Binay is bracing himself for complaints, protests, and blackout-related jokes.

V
ER
The Comelec en banc voted 7-0 to unseat Laguna Governor ER Ejercito for overspending in the last elections. Ejercito will issue an official statement via billboards, tarpaulins and TV commercials.

Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered to step down for overspending in the last elections. The Comelec said he spent P24.5M during the campaign – way above the P4.5M limit. The decision reportedly shocked Ejercito. Looking at his face though, it was hard to tell.

Reptiles
Godzilla is still showing in the Philippines. The hit franchise tells the story of a giant lizard that wreaks havoc on communities claiming lives and destroying properties. Godzilla is probably the most destructive reptile in history. In close second? The reptiles of Senate and Congress.
——————————————————————————-
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Ok lang, maski sino ang maging cellmate ko. Pwede namang Abu Sayyaf.”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

Poll Results
Lumabas na ang diumano’y listahan ni Napoles. Maraming bersyon. Aling listahan ang pinapaniwalaan mo?

-Wala. Pakamatay na lang silang lahat. 70.64%
-‘Yong Benhur files na lumabas sa Inquirer. 20.49%
-‘Yong kay De Lima na pirmado ni Napoles. 7.95%
-‘Yong kay Lacson na bigay ng asawa ni Napoles. 0.92%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Remate, Warner Bros.]





WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

18 05 2014

HERE’S WHY according to prominent Filipinos:


President Aquino: Inabutan lang ho namin ang problemang ‘yan. Kung inyo hong matatandaan, wala pa kami sa puwesto nang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. ‘Yong dating administrasyon ang dapat sumagot n’yan.

Janet Lim-Napoles: Malay ko. Hindi ko po alam.

Juan Ponce Enrile: I will answer that in the proper forum.

Sec. Sonny Coloma: Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit basta na lang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. Pwede namang i-try ang other means of public transport like buses. Hindi naman siguro siksikan do’n.

Bong Revilla: Kaya nga hinahamon ko ang gobyernong ito eh. Ikulong n’yo ang manok na ‘yan. Ngayon na! Pagod na pagod na ‘yan sa katatawid sa kalsada.

Jinggoy Estrada: Political harassment ang ginawa sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Pati mga sisiw idinamay! Leave the chicks alone!

JV Ejercito: Ayoko nang patulan ang chicken. Lagi namang galit sa akin ‘yan eh. Sanay na ako.

Benhur Luy: May nag-utos po kasi sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Minsan papuntang Senate, minsan papuntang government offices.

Mar Roxas: ‘T@ng-in@! Kailan pa naging isyu ‘yang pagtawid na ‘yan? No comment! You must remember, I am a Roxas and that’s only a chicken.

Cristina Enrile: The chicken has an affair with the rooster on the other side. You know, these hens would always offer themselves to the rooster.

Gigi Reyes: So fault lang ng chicken? Dahil lalaki ang rooster, wala siyang kasalanan?

Vice President Binay: Ako ay bumabati at nagpupugay sa chicken sa kanyang matagumpay na pagtawid sa kalsada. Mabuhay ka!

Manny Pacquiao: ‘Pag pray na lang natin ang manok.

Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio : Isa lang ang natitiyak ko. Babalik din ang chicken na ‘yan. Kapag ‘di ‘yan bumalik, ipapaputol ko ang isa kong itlog.

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Apparently, the chicken only wants attention. I have reason to believe that it’s a member of closet gay and bisexual fowls.

Panfilo Lacson: For the nth time, the chicken is not gay and it does not intend to be one.

Franklin Drilon: Inuulit ko, wala akong transaksyon sa manok na ‘yan. Ni isang itlog ay wala akong tinanggap kaya wala akong masasabi sa ginawa nitong pagtawid.

Anne Curtis: Why was the chicken outside the coop? Who let it out? It’s not even classy enough to cross that street.

Claudine Barretto: Nagpa-Botox.

Tourism Sec. Mon Jimenez: It’s more fun on the other side.

Venus Raj: Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Philippines! You know what sir, in the chicken’s 2 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major major, I mean problem that it has done in its life because it is very confident with its family and the love they are giving the chicken. So thank you so much that it successfully crossed the street. Thank you so so much!

Vice Ganda: Itinanong mo na ‘yan last year! Paulit-ulit?! Unli?!?

Viel Aquino-Dee:

Kris Aquino: On behalf of the chicken, humihingi po ako ng privacy. Ito na po ang huling pagkakataon na magsasalita ako tungkol sa pagtawid na ito. I promise not to talk about this again sa online posts ko man o sa interviews.

broad
ACCORDING to the files of Benhur Luy, several prominent media practitioners received cash gifts through conduits from Janet Lim-Napoles. Aside from Korina Sanchez, Mike Enriquez and Rey Pacheco, also mentioned was radio broadcaster Deo Macalma. Talk about “espesyal na balita.”

Janet Lim-Napoles, through her lawyer Bruce Rivera, apologized to JV Ejercito for including his name on the ‘Napoles list.’ When will she apologize to the Filipino people for stealing their money?

Fired
When CNN discovered that news reporter and editor Marie-Louise Gumuchian committed plagiarism, the network decided to fire her. Tito Sotto called the decision “harsh.”

DUI
The Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013 will take effect on June 1. In totally unrelated news, Anne Curtis vows not to go to parties again.
—————————————————————-
“Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean.”
~Dr. Meredith Grey, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’

Sound Bites
“I am astounded to learn that I was supposed to have received a birthday gift from her one time 10 years ago in 2004. This never happened. I did not receive any such gift, in cash or kind, from Ms Napoles or her company nor through emissaries then and up to now.”
~Korina Sanchez

“I vehemently and in the strongest of terms deny knowing Janet Napoles at all and just as strongly deny receiving any gift in whatever form from her.”
~Mike Enriquez

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABS-CBN, GMA News, Manila Broadcasting Corp.]





LIST UY!

16 05 2014

napoles
1: Bargaining
2: Acceptance
3: Denial
4: Anger
5: Depression
These are the five stages of a lawmaker’s transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles

1: Bargaining
“Forty percent lang ba ang makukuha ko? Lugi naman yata ako d’yan!”

“Sige na nga… singkwenta na rin. Basta ‘wag n’yo lang sasabihin kay Senator *****! Forty-five lang ‘yong huling bigay ko sa kanya eh.”

2: Acceptance
“Jenny, nakuha ko na ‘yong 23M. Timbrehan kita kung kailan ang sunod na release. Sanga pala, sino ‘yong nag-cater sa ‘yo kagabi sa Heritage? Sarap ng lechon huh.”

3: Denial
“Hindi ko kilala si Janet Lim-Napoles. Ni singkong duling ay wala akong ibinigay sa NGOs niya. Kung meron man ay tiyak na pineke ang pirma ko; pineke ang mga dokumento! ”

4: Anger
“This is political harassment! Pinupulitika ako! Sobra-sobrang pang-aapi na ang ginagawa sa akin at sa aking pamilya. Mga walang puso!”

5: Depression
“Paano ‘pag nakulong ako?”

“Paano na ang plano ko sa 2016?”

“’Pakamatay na lang kaya ako?”

kris2
AT LEAST FOUR versions of the Napoles list have been made public. When sought for reaction, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

The controversial Napoles list (four versions of it) has been made public. Do you know what that means? Ping Lacson can go back now to doing his job.

At least four versions of the Napoles list have been released to the public. The lists are confusing. Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are high-five-ing.

Several versions of the so-called Napoles list have been made public. Benhur Luy’s files appeared to be the most comprehensive. Even the Black Nazarene was on the list.

A furious Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago attacked Panfilo Lacson for saying she was on the Napoles list. Getting personal, Santiago said Lacson was on the list of “closeted gays or bisexuals in public service.” To which Lacson, replied, “Excuse me, I’m not gay.”

Former senator Robert Barbers was also on the list. He’s still mum on the issue though. Deadma.

Kris
According to the Benhur Luy’s files, Jinggoy Estrada’s transactions with Napoles amounted to 1.6 billion pesos. The same list says then San Juan representative JV Ejercito also transacted with Napoles. The amount transacted was 5 million pesos. Jinggoy couldn’t stop laughing.

Former Pampanga representative and incumbent Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut has been consistently mentioned in pork scam-related documents, lists and testimonies. She allegedly pocketed millions in pesos in kickbacks from PDAF funds, and even acted as agent for Napoles. There’s a reason why there’s a ‘cut’ in Ducut.

Northern Samar Representative Emil Ong said congressmen should not be blamed if their pork barrel funds were misused. Lawmakers like Ong is one of the reasons why nature gave us the middle finger.

xfilesIn Other News
The world’s oldest sperm, dating back 17 million years, has been unearthed in Australia. I can’t believe it. I thought Enrile’s from Cagayan?

A leaked hotel elevator security video showed Beyonce’s sister Solange viciously attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z. Solange has issued a statement denying she’s on a juice diet.

Solange Knowles, who’s also a singer, is reportedly planning to visit the Philippines soon. I hope she gets trapped in the Senate elevator.
———————————————————–
“I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!”
~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men

Sound Bites
“Nag-transact ako ng P5 million kay Napoles? Diyos ko naman. Hello?! Masyadong maliit.”
~JV Ejercito

Pork Scam Quiz
According to the Benhur files published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was the first senator to become a client of Janet Lim-Napoles?
A: Jinggoy Estrada
B: Lito Lapid
C: Bong Revilla
D: Juan Ponce Enrile
(Answer below)

Poll Results
Nagrereklamo si Jinggoy Estrada. Hindi raw dapat idamay sa lifestyle check ng Ombudsman ang kanyang pamilya. Ano’ng reaksyon mo?

-Kung wala siyang ginawang masama, wala siyang dapat ikatakot. Tama ang Ombudsman. 93.8%
-Tama si Jinggoy. Leave his family alone. 3.65%
-Political harassment! Inaapi ng gobyerno si Jinggoy. 2.55%

Answer to Pork Quiz: B: Lito Lapid

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate's new seal via @JoeyJohn16, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters]





EXCLUSIVE: THE LIST REVEALED!

12 05 2014

ACCORDING TO rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson, making public the so-called Napoles list will destroy the Senate. Which begs the question, “What’s there to destroy?”

denieceAttachments
What exactly is on that controversial list? According to unimpeachable sources, the list – saved in a USB flash drive has clickable links to several classified but unverified documents including:

- Actresses, sexy stars, beauty queens, and models who slept with Bong Revilla in the last 12 months

- Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s psychiatric evaluation report

- Bank accounts of JV Ejercito in the Carribean

- Cynthia Villar’s Botox procedure receipts that were allegedly charged to her office

- Records of Ralph Recto’s visits to a private night club in Quezon City

- 20 secret side accounts used by the staff of Alan Peter and Pia Cayetano to troll Vice President Binay and son, Junjun on Twitter

- Jinggoy Estrada’s confession letter to Erap (as regards what, nobody knows for sure)

- Transcript of sext messages between Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes

- Minutes of several meetings between Gringo Honasan and retired Marine major Jaime Napoles

- Photos of Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos together in a children’s party when they were toddlers. The caption reads: “They’re the cutest siblings I know. Proud Dad here. – Ferdie”

- Lito Lapid’s letter to the Senate president requesting that he be allowed to sleep during sessions citing his acute insomnia

- A loyal ABS-CBN supporter, Sergio Osmeña III’s subscription contract to PBB ALL IN 24/7

- Overseas itinerary of Antonio Trillanes’s staff while their boss was still in prison resulting in huge travel expenses

- Frank Drilon’s FDA-disapproved diet program

- A copy of Tito Sotto’s yet to be delivered (privilege) speech titled: “Ako, ang RH Law, at ang Panggagahasa Kay Pepsi Paloma – Diumano: My Version of Truth”

- Jewel May Lobaton’s tell-all affidavit in which she bared the shocking reason why she left Koko Pimentel; an allegation that could destroy the political career of the senator

- Contracts between Janet Lim-Napoles and her caterer-friends for the wedding of Bam Aquino and wife, Timi in 2012, and the christening of Chiz Escudero’s twins in 2008.

- Transcript of TG Guingona’s alleged one-on-one interview with Ruby Tuason the night before she appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee

- Love letters between a former lawmaker and Loren Legarda

- Nancy Binay’s final OJT grade: Singko, which was changed to 3.0 after her father intervened

And lastly…
– An NSO-authenticated birth certificate of Sonny Angara; the document identified his “birth mother” as Loren Legarda.

KrisJinggoy
The Office of the Ombudsman is reportedly conducting a lifestyle check on Jinggoy Estrada. Already indicted for plunder, Jinggoy described the lifestyle check as “political harassment.” In layman’s terms, ‘karma.’

Jinggoy says he and his wife will be celebrating their silver anniversary on June 28. He described it as “a milestone.” Well, it is! Not everyone is given the chance to celebrate their anniversary in prison.

KrisBong
A defiant Bong Revilla recently dared Malacañang, “Ikulong na nila ako. Ngayon na! Hinahamon ko sila, ngayon na. Dahil pagod na ako. Masyadong mahaba na ang sakripisyo ng pamilya ko.” The impassioned statement received a salute from his family and an automatic nomination from PMPC.

Bong Revilla dared Malacañang to jail him now ‘coz he’s already tired. Here’s a tip: resign.

Revilla also accused Malacañang of ‘hostaging’ the Senate and the House of Representatives saying, “Kung anuman ang gusto nilang ipasunod, susunod lahat. Ano pa’ng magagawang matinong trabaho namin dito sa Kongreso?” And even Congress was like, “Trabaho? As if!”

KrisTechnology
Sony has invented a 185-terabyte cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. That’s the good news. The bad news is it will take you 47 years to rewind.

Sony has re-invented a cassette tape that will allow users to store 47 million songs. In response, today’s youth said, “What’s a cassette tape?”

KrisThe Barrettos
In a TV interview, actress Claudine Barretto, who’s at odds with her sisters, lambasted Gretchen Barretto and called her “heartless.” Addressing her ate, Claudine said, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Inside, Gretchen was very angry. Outside, it’s hard to tell.

An incensed Claudine Barretto told Gretchen, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Sources say Gretchen monitored the full interview. In fact, while watching the 10-minute exclusive, she didn’t blink.

Viewers have had enough of the Barretto sisters’ public catfight. They advised them to just move on. To which, Gretchen’s face replied, “Good luck to me!”
—————————————————————————
“The problem with politics isn’t the money; it’s the power.”
~ Harry Browne

Sound Bites
“Sa pananaw ko meron itong national security kasi baka magiba ang Senado kapag nalabas ito sa publiko.”
~Panfilo Lacson on the so-called Napoles list

“Nagalit na naman ang aking kapatid. Sabi n’ya, nagpapapogi lang ako at his expense. I’ll have to be honest. Jinggoy and I are not close. He’s always furious with me.”
~JV Ejercito

UntitledDefinition
Lifestyle check is an investigation strategy developed by anti-corruption agencies in the Philippines to determine the existence of ill-gotten and unexplained wealth of officials and employees of the government. (Source)

Poll Results
Isyu ang bawat sabihin at gawin ni Kris Aquino. Maraming natutuwa, maraming naiirita. Sinong dapat sisihin?

-Pareho: Kris and media. 39.05%
-Hindi ko na lang pinapansin si Kris at ang mga balita tungkol sa kanya. Deadma. 29.88%
-Ang media. Bawat galaw kasi ibinabalita. 18.93%
-Si Kris mismo. Sumusobra na. Me, me, me and me. And more me. 12.13%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Senate, Kicker Daily, Inquirer.Com, Rappler, Twicsys.Com, ABS-CBN News.Com, HarvardPolitics.com]





SHOCKING, LITTLE-KNOWN, AND FUN FACTOIDS

10 05 2014

Totally Baseless Information On or About Famous Filipinos

calabarzon-palaro-basketball-champions-20140510
No. 1: Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes have a 12-year-old daughter studying at Poveda.

No. 2: JV Ejercito can neither call nor send text messages to Jinggoy Estrada. He was blocked by Jinggoy in May 2010.

No. 3: Kris Aquino has a twin.

No. 4: Since the pork barrel scam broke out, 98 percent of lawmakers have opened bank accounts overseas under a false name.

No. 5: According to a recent poll, 8 in 10 Filipino teens have not read a newspaper in the last 12 months. Almost 5 in 10 replied, “What’s a newspaper?”

No. 6: In high school, Mar Roxas was sent to the guidance counselor’s office twice for cursing in class.

No. 7: Since 2007, education gets the lion’s share of Makati City’s annual budget. The rest is for sister cities and municipalities with the largest voting population.

unicef
No. 8: In anticipation of his arrest and jail time, Bong Revilla has scheduled the conjugal visit of the women in his life.

No. 9: Among incumbent senators, Nancy Binay has the highest Flappy Bird score: 997.

No. 10: There is no such thing as a Napoles list. Neither Lacson nor De Lima has it. It’s just a political ploy. The list does not exist.

No. 11: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz lost his virginity a day before he entered the seminary.

No. 12: Imelda Marcos has a 24-year-old boyfriend.

No. 13: At least one senator is confirmed gay.

1nap
No. 14: Janet Lim-Napoles filed her latest Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth recently. Under Assets, she declared “majority of senators, congressmen, and their staff.”

No. 15: On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Cynthia Villar.

No. 16: Mommy Dionisia speaks six languages.

No. 17: Malacañang has postponed the release of a new bank note: a 2,000-peso bill that promotes the Filipino family. The bill features Kris Aquino, Josh, and Bimby on the reverse side.

No. 18: When he was in grade school, Cedric Lee would urinate in his pants every time a classmate would bully him. That classmate was Ferdinand Hipolito Navarro a.k.a. Vhong Navarro.

No. 19: Vicki Belo was born male.

No. 20: An internal survey revealed 10 out of 1 Liberal Party members believed Mar Roxas stood a chance at beating Jejomar Binay for president in 2016.

No. 21: Sonny Angara had a brief stint on German Moreno’s ‘That’s Entertainment.’ He was a member of the Wednesday group.

1BIRD
No. 22: Delfin Lee’s grandfather who was born in Lhasa, Tibet is a first cousin of the Dalai Lama.

No. 23: According to Guinness World Records, ER Ejercito is the most visible politician on Earth. His poreless face is seen on at least 200 billboards, 3,000 mugs, 700 tarpaulins, 10,000 shirts, 25,500 bags and 150 official government vehicles in Laguna and other parts of the country.

No. 24: Manny Pacquiao plans to enroll at ADMU. He looks forward to playing for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the next season of UAAP basketball.

No. 25: In his Times Street home, President Aquino has a Spongebob-themed bedroom.

No. 26: A recent study has shown that regular viewers of Pinoy Big Brother are self-absorbed individuals who are likely to remain single forever.

No. 27: A popular local official and the very much married daughter of an even more popular official were in a relationship.

Rappler
No. 28: The width of the visible part of Alan Peter Cayetano’s scalp is wider in the afternoon.

No. 29: Anne Curtis has purchased Privé Luxury Club for an undisclosed amount.

No. 30: Lito Lapid is still a senator.
———————————————————————————————————
“Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Sound Bites
“At this point, who stands to gain most from the publication of a long list of pork barrel scammers? Certainly not the justice system… Definitely, the ones who stand to gain the most are the big fish who have been breathing laboriously because their gills are wedged in the law’s net.”
~Prof. Randy David, The Napoles List

Have a fun weekend!

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





BOTOX AND POLITICS

7 05 2014


BONG REVILLA challenged Senate blue ribbon committee chairman TG Guingona to compel the DOJ to release the list of lawmakers allegedly implicated by Janet Napoles in the pork barrel scam. The action star said if the committee wouldn’t do that, Guingona should resign. In response, Guingona handed Revilla a dictionary and advised him to look up the meaning of the word ‘irony.’

Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “I challenge the chairman of the blue ribbon committee to compel the DOJ to release the list.” Guingona replied, “I challenge the good senator to define ‘compel.’”

1TuasonImmunity
Socialite Ruby Tuason, who admitted pocketing millions of pesos from the pork barrel scam was granted immunity after she returned 40 million pesos to the government. Ruby was so happy, her face almost moved.

Ruby Tuason returned 40 million pesos to the government and was granted immunity. Asked to elaborate on her deal with the government, the socialite was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

Jinggoy Estrada is furious about this deal between the government and his Tita Ruby. Jinggoy says Tuason “will crumble in the cross-examination.” But the socialite is unfazed and unafraid. Analysts believe the battle will come down to whoever blinks first. Advantage: Ruby.

Napoles
Experts at the Ospital ng Makati say pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles may now be discharged from the hospital following a successful surgery last month. But her personal doctors from St. Luke’s insist that she remain in the hospital because of her elevated sugar levels and blood pressure. “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes are working for Napoles’s doctors.”

The Legal Wife
Voting 13-2, the Supreme Court en banc ruled that the legal wife has the rights to her husband’s remains even if he had been with another woman for 15 years. And Cristina Enrile was like, “I know, right?”

SWS Survey
When shown a card with three choices by the SWS, 53 percent of Filipinos considered themselves “poor.” When shown a card with photos of corrupt senators, 100 percent of Filipinos considered themselves idiots.

Miserable
US-based Cato Institute compiled a list of the world’s most miserable nations. The most miserable is Venezuela with a misery index of 79.4 followed by Iran with 61.6, and Serbia, 44.8. The Philippines, with a misery index of 11.7 ranked 68th only. Filipinos demand a recount.

1BIRDWise Bird
Recent scientitific research found that the forked tailed drongo bird of Africa can imitate the sounds of about 51 birds and other animals. By tricking and scaring other species, drongos are able to steal their meals. Further studies showed the forked tailed drongo birds were lawmakers in their past life.

Disaster Alerts
The Senate has approved on third and final reading a bill that would require telecom companies to send disaster alerts. I think they’re already doing that. In fact, almost everyday, i get a text message that reads, “Want free ring tones? Send STOP if you blah blah blah.”

Appointed
Former senator Francis ‘Kiko’ Pangilinan has been appointed as presidential assistant for food security. There’s no truth to rumors that the post was initially offered to Sharon Cuneta.

KrisFerry Ride
Talk show host and actress Kris Aquino took a ride on the Pasig River ferry Monday. The presidential sister who was with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino enjoyed the experience. Reports say Kris had so much fun despite the garbage. It was like watching “My Little Bossings” all over again.

kris2
Kris Aquino took a ferry ride with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino Monday. Reports say the re-opening of the Pasig River ferry system was a success, attracting hundreds of commuters. Kris was impressed but she told Tolentino that the opening day of Bimby’s movie was still more successful.
————————————————————————————–
“An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.”
~ Jef Mallett

Sound Bites
“You just have to trust me that I am not going to sanitize the list. Pangako ko ‘yan sa taong bayan na hindi ko gagawin ‘yan. I will do my mandate in a very responsible and prudent manner.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
This if informative. For those voting in 2016: INFOGRAPHIC Biometric voter registration checklist

Poll Results
Naniniwala ka bang masusugpo ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan kapag itinaas ang suweldo ng mga senador at kongresista?

NO. 90.08%
Abangan natin. 6.17%
YES. 3.75%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Images: The Girl in Pink Shoes, Manila Bulletin, Discover Magazine, MMDA]





WHICH PORK SCAM PLAYER ARE YOU?

3 05 2014

FIND OUT by answering this pork barrel scam personality test. You must write your answers on a paper or type them on your phone. Good luck!

01
1: Choose a movie:
A: Toy Story
B: Bituing Walang Ningning
C: Die Hard
D: Magic Mike
E: The Godfather

2: Sa school, inakusahan kang nandaya sa exam, anong gagawin mo?
A: Ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang.
B: Igigiit na walang alam sa nangyari.
C: Magagalit. Magtuturo ng ibang kaklase.
D: Aamin pero sasabihing hindi ako ang nagsimula.
E: Deadma. Pero maghahanda ako ng defense in case magkaroon ng imbestigasyon.

3: What was the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx?
A: Ano ba ‘yong Sphinx?
B: Hindi ko alam.
C: Tang-ina. Malay ko!
D: Can I call a friend? Chos!
E: Ang dali naman. Next question please.

4: Select a sport or game:
A: Dama
B: Basketball
C: Boxing
D: Volleyball
E: Horse Race

5: Choose a quote or saying:
A: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
B: If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.
C: Just do it.
D: The truth will set you free.
E: Age doesn’t matter.

01
6: Pick an animal:
A: Rooster
B: Pig
C: Crocodile
D: Butterfly
E: Turtle

7: How would your friends describe you?
A: Attractive
B: Generous
C: Confident
D: Sociable
E: Intelligent

8: Choose a TV show:
A: Eat Bulaga
B: Kabuhayang Swak na Swak
C: Tukaan
D: Project Runway
E: TV Patrol

9: Ano ang kinatatakutan mo?
A: Aging
B: Poverty
C: Secret!
D: Cockroach
E: Death

Review your answers. Count the As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es.

If you answered mostly As, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Bs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Cs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Ds, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Es, click here.
——————————————————————————-
“Truth fears no questions.”
~Anonymous

2Sound Bites
“Ruby Tuason’s immunity from the PDAF cases does not automatically cover the Malampaya case. She has not been extended immunity in Malampaya because the case is still being evaluated.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Ruby Tuason

Have a nice weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: DZMM, Funny-Pictures.Net, Inquirer.Net/DOJ]





OF SURVEYS, SALARY, AND SELFIES

1 05 2014

1.1 oBAMA
TWO YEARS before the May 2016 national elections, Pulse Asia released a survey on potential presidential candidates. The big winner was Vice President Jejomar Binay. But the biggest winners were Tanda, Pogi and Sexy.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

Reacting to the latest Pulse Asia poll, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says he doesn’t pay attention to surveys. He also doesn’t pay green fees.

Right now, observers believe Jejomar Binay is the man to BEAT. To which Korina Sanchez said, “Oh, I’d love to!”

Mar and Jojo
On Twitter, Vice President Binay posted a photo of him and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas. The shot was taken at the Army headquarters in Taguig City where US President Obama delivered a speech last Tuesday. It was actually Sen. Loren Legarda who asked the feuding political rivals to pose for that rare photo-op. Legarda is now the frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize.

According to DILG Sec. Mar Roxas, he didn’t feel awkward shaking hands with Vice President Binay. During their brief conversation, Roxas said they talked about basketball. It was nice to see them share a light moment. Of course, it would have been a tense moment if they talked about golf.

CBCP, Again
Fr. Edu Gariguez, executive secretary of the CBCP’s National Secretariat for Social Action criticized the government for spending thousands of pesos for US President Barack Obama’s overnight hotel stay. The CHURCH official said the money spent during the Obama visit came from TAXPAYERS. Which begs the question, so why are you ranting?

Salary Hike
Sen. Antonio Trillanes has filed a bill that seeks to, among others, increase the monthly salary of lawmakers from P90,000 to over P350,000, saying this will help curb corruption in government. Trillanes has underestimated the greed of lawmakers.

1SelfieSelfie
Critics slammed Ilocos Norte Rep. Rudy Fariñas for the manner in which he took a selfie with Pope Francis last weekend. Fariñas almost hit the face of Philippine Ambassador to the Holy See Mercedes Tuazon when he posed with the Pope who was still talking and shaking hands with Tuazon. Supporters of Fariñas defended the solon saying there was nothing wrong with what he did and that the Pope was ‘game’ anyway. Palusot.

Ilocos Norte Rep. Rudy Fariñas took a selfie with Pope Francis last weekend. Fariñas called it the “selfie of my life.” Reacting to the photo, a netizen said, “Inggit si ako. Suwerte si ikaw.” [If you don’t get this, do some research.]

Free!
The government announced that both public and private employees would get a free MRT/LRT ride on May 1. That’s how the government observes Labor Day – giving a free ride to employees on a non-working, rest day. Salamat naman!

Arraigned
Businessman Cedric Lee and mixed martial artist Simeon Palma aka Zimmer Raz were arraigned Wednesday on the illegal detention case filed by Vhong Navarro. Earlier, Raz complained that he and Cedric were being “demonized.” To which, the demon said, “Excuse me! Mas grabe naman kayo ‘no!?”

NBA News
The owner of the LA Clippers, Donald Sterling was banned for life by the NBA over his racist statements. Sterling is now 80. He has a girlfriend more than half his age. The girlfriend is being blamed for his misery. If he’s Filipino, he could be the next Senate Minority Floor Leader.

Polygamy
Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”

Kris, Again
According to ABS-CBN News.Com, Kris Aquino is entertaining a new suitor. Rumors say the new suitor is tall, good-looking, and masochistic.
——————————————————————————-
“The difference between a politician and a statesman is that a politician thinks about the next election while the statesman think about the next generation.”
~ Hillary Rodham Clinton

Sound Bites
“Nakatutok naman tayo sa ating trabaho at hindi ko naman pinapansin at binibigyang pansin itong mga bagay na ito.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas on presidential surveys

1pol
Poll Results
Kapalit ng tell-all testimony, payag ka bang gawing state witness si Janet Lim-Napoles?

Utot niya! 79.69%
Sure. Basta tell-all talaga. 16.15%
Pag-iisipan ko muna. 4%

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to @VPBinay, BBC, TMZ, ABS-CBN News.Com]





ALL IN! (OBAMA, AQUINO, BINAY, MAR, AND MORE)

28 04 2014

chun
SOUTH KOREAN Prime Minister Chung Hong-Won has resigned over the sinking of a ferry that left 302 people dead or missing. For failing to “respond quickly and efficiently” to the crisis, Mr. Chung apologized just two weeks after the tragedy. Or in the words of President Aquino, “Too early.”

South Korean Prime Minister Chung Hong-Won took full responsibility for the recent ferry disaster, apologized, and resigned. If Chung was Filipino, he’ll deny responsibility, blast his critics, and blame the previous administration.

Criticized by angry Koreans, Prime Minister Chung Hong-Won apologized and then, tendered his resignation. And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”

Extended!
Janet Lim-Napoles underwent surgery last week. According to doctors, she’s recovering real fast. But her lawyer says she’ll probably stay in the hospital for three more weeks – or until such time as another organ gets fckd up and a surgery becomes necessary. #paraparaan

Suspended
The Wack Wack Golf and Country Club suspended the membership of DILG Sec. Mar Roxas for two months for “failing to maintain good order at all times.” Earlier reports say Roxas lost his cool and cursed at club employees. He was harshly criticized for cursing. This morning, Roxas vowed not to do that again – in Wack Wack.

1.1 oBAMA
Obama in PH
President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

President Obama also had the chance to meet Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa. The eagle and the Gold Eagle.

Joint Press Con
On the issue of territorial disputes in the Pacific, US President Barack Obama reminded everyone, “Our goal is to make sure international rules are respected.” To which Beijing replied, “Our goal is to remind you that the US owes us more than a trillion dollars. Tse!”

The US President believes intimidation is not the right way to manage disputes. And in an awkward moment during the press con, he added, “I hope you get that Mar Roxas and Junjun Binay.

1.1 oBAMA
Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

1Cedric Lee
Authorities nabbed fugitive businessman Cedric Lee and a companion in Samar Province last Saturday where they were hiding. But Cedric maintained he didn’t hide and he wasn’t arrested; he voluntarily turned himself in. This guy should try showbiz. He’s got a knack for comedy.

Influential businessman Cedric Lee was arrested in Samar. The head of the arresting team is praying he won’t get sacked from his post.

Saints
The Roman Catholic Church has declared two new saints. Given the scale of corruption in predominantly Catholic Philippines, we certainly need more.

Two popes were declared saints and two devils were arrested. What a religious weekend!

Escaped
Malang, currently the largest freshwater crocodile in captivity in the Philippines temporarily escaped last April 22. Luckily, the locals found it. But the crocodile protested the capture, saying he only took a break because they were on recess.

111Torched
Militant farmers from Hacienda Luisita torched an effigy of former Central Azucarera De Tarlac board member Kris Aquino. The presidential sister was unfazed though. Her reaction was, “I must be in a good place right now, so they can burn me. Go ahead!” Breaking her silence, Tates Gana told the farmers, “Can I join you?”

Fifth Child
Manny Pacquiao’s wife, Jinkee gave birth to their fifth child, Israel on Sunday, April 27. Pacman is verifying reports the new baby’s taxable.

Censored
The Russian parliament has banned swearing or cussing in film, TV, and music. It has yet to ban cussing in golf courses though so that’s good news for you-know-who.

PBB All In
Apparently, a new season of Pinoy Big Brother has started. If you want to know the mentality of today’s youth, go to Twitter and read their posts. #PrayforPinoyTeens
——————————————————————————–
“A healthy democracy requires a decent society; it requires that we are honorable, generous, tolerant and respectful.”
~Charles W. Pickering

Sound Bites
“When I saw the people’s sadness and fury, I thought it was natural for me to step down with an apology.”
~South Korean Prime Minister Chung Hong-Won

“Alam ko kapag sinusunug-sunog ka, humahaba ang buhay mo. Ok lang. Keri! I must be in a good place right now, so they can burn me. Go ahead!”
~Kris Aquino reacting to protesting Hacienda Luisita farmers who torched her effigy

Poll Results
Naniniwala ka bang tatakbo sa pagka-presidente si Panfilo Lacson sa 2016?

YES. Amoy na amoy! 61.36%
Abangan na lang. ‘Wag mag-speculate. 25%
NO. 13.64%

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thank you Channel News Asia, @GovPh, Zyann Ambrosio, ANC, Rappler, and The Manila Times]





HERBERT, HAIRCUT, AND HYSTERECTOMY

24 04 2014

1MRT
REHABILITATION CZAR and former senator Panfilo Lacson says pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has linked more than a hundred government officials from both current and previous administrations to the multibillion peso pork barrel scam. Business analysts predict a looming shortage of wheelchairs.

Successful
Suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles underwent surgery last Wednesday, April 23. Ten doctors operated on her. The surgery was hailed a success. After the operation, Napoles was seen smiling on her way to the recovery room. The doctors were seen laughing all the way to the bank.

It was a successful surgery. The doctors removed Janet Napoles’s entire uterus and two ovaries. Napoles was happy. But the uterus and the ovaries were happier.

Reports say a total of 10 doctors – 7 from St. Luke’s and 3 from Ospital ng Makati performed the surgery on Janet Lim-Napoles. After the surgery, the doctors told Napoles, “Good luck on your recovery.” To which Napoles replied, “Good luck on the BIR.”

In one week, Janet Lim-Napoles is expected to be fully recovered. I’m not sure about her loot though.

Apology
Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has apologized to Hong Kong for the unfortunate hostage incident in Manila. Filipinos are looking forward to his apology for the unfortunate incident that was Jinggoy Estrada.

Greetings
Rumors say Senator Enrile’s Facebook wall was deluged with birthday greetings last Tuesday. That left him wondering since he was born in February. And then Enrile realized, it was Earth Day.

2J
Kris and Herbert
Kris Aquino is sporting a pixie haircut which reportedly symbolizes a change in her life. The TV host was quoted to have said, “It was the shortest I’ve had since childbirth.” It wasn’t clear though if she’s still talking about the haircut or the boyfriend.

Kris Aquino recently posted Instagram photos pertaining to her rumored boyfriend Herbert Bautista. Remember when Kris made a promise on ‘Aquino&Abunda Tonight’ that she won’t talk about Herbert again? Me neither.

Entertainment editor Ricky Lo says Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista has given up on Kris Aquino. In his defense, he wasn’t the first.

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE! An interview with Kris Aquino’s new haircut

Ano ang feeling na bago ang hitsura mo?

Bongga! Grabe ang init ngayon ‘di ba? So thankful ako kay Ma’am Krissy na nagpagupit siya!

Bakit ba talaga nagpagupit ang iyong amo?

I’m not sure. Baka gusto lang niyang mag-trend aha-ha-ha! Aminin n’yo… pinag-uusapan pa rin s’ya hanggang ngayon. Winner ‘di ba?

Exactly.

Dapat kasi magpapagupit siya before Holy Week. Kaya lang, busy ang mga tao, ‘tapos special programming pa ang ABS-CBN. So sayang naman ang new haircut kung ‘di naman makikita agad nationwide ‘di ba? ‘Di ba!!!?? Sumagot ka! ‘Di ba?!

Sige na nga! And then…

And then, binalak din ni Ma’am Krissy na April 22 siya magpagupit para saktong Earth Day. Eh noong Black Saturday, biglang surface ang lola Gigi Reyes n’yo. Kaloka ‘di ba? Mang-aagaw pa ng eksena. So sabi ni Ma’am Krissy, “Hay naku Boy. Go na talaga. Magpapagupit na talaga ako bukas, Easter Sunday para maloka ang viewers ng A&A sa Monday .” So ‘yon, natuloy rin sa wakas.

2J
So, happy naman ang amo mo sa feedback?

That Monday night, oo! Kasi nga trending ako sa social media ‘di ba? Ang lakas ko raw maka-Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, UP Pep Squad, at Doris Bigornia. Pero ang ‘di ko kinaya, ‘yong sabi ni Lourd De Veyra na kamukha ko si Cynthia Luster! Ang luma ng peg huh! Lunes pa lang, #throwbackthursday na?!

At least nag-trend ka.

Ito na nga ang ikinakainis ni Ma’am Krissy. Wala pang 24 hours ang lumilipas, umeksena naman ang Janet Napoles! May tell-all daw tungkol sa pork barrel scam. Hellllllo! Moment ko ‘to ‘di ba? ‘Wag KJ! So nabaling ang atensyon sa babaeng nangangailangan ng nose lift kanya.

What happened next?

Sakto! Nasa taping ng KrissyTV ang amo ko noong Tuesday. Sobrang init ng paligid. Wala siyang masyadong tulog the previous night. Suddenly, before mag-take… tsuk! Hinimatay si Ma’am Krissy. So takbo kami ng hospital. Kaloka. Hindi man lang ako sinuklay ni Darla. Pagdating sa Makati Med… nganga ang mga nurses and doctors nang makita ako at si Ma’am Krissy. Sabi ng bading na kumuha ng BP, “Cynthia Luster nga!” Aha-ha-ha Nakakaloka! ‘Buti ‘di narinig ni Ma’am Krissy. Or else…

So buntis nga ba ang presidential sister?

Hindi ‘noh! I should know. Kasama ko siya lagi. And to be fair to Ma’am Krissy… hindi pa niya isinusuko ang Bataan. Tarlac pa lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Siguro pag-uusapan pa rin ang pregnancy issue sa mga susunod na araw.

Ewan ko. ‘Yan kasing Ping Lacson, umeeksena rin. Ang daming blind items. Tsismoso ang pota. Ba’t kasi ayaw pa niyang pangalanan ang mga hinayupak na magnanakaw na ‘yan nang matigil na. Kabado tuloy sina senador L, G, F, T, R, C, L, atbp.

Sino naman sina L, G, F, T, R, C, L,?

Mag-research ka. Naimbento na ang Google. ‘Wag kang tamad.

Ok. Last, paglilinaw lang: break na ba ang amo mo at si Mayor Herbert?

Nooooooooo. They’re very much in love. Ako ang buhok niya. Alam ko ang nasa takbo ng utak ni Ma’am Krissy. Believe me.

2J
Thanks for the info. Last question, kung magiging buhok ka ni Pangulong Aquino… anong gupit ang gusto mo?

Eh kung ikaw na lang kaya ang maging buhok niya?

‘To naman! Masyadong choosy. Sige. Buhok ni Pangulong Aquino o buhok ni Secretary Butch Abad?

Death! Aha-ha-ha! Cynthia Luster forever!
——————————————————————
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
~Lemony Snicket

Sound Bites
“Dahil whatever we have in the past, I still believe na Secretary De Lima is the right person na in-approach niya because no-nonsense at saka more or less na hindi isa-sanitize ang information na ibibigay.”
~Panfilo Lacson on Janet Napoles’s decision to talk to DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima

Poll Results
Sang-ayon ka ba sa mungkahi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago na maging state witness si Gigi Reyes?

HELL, NO! Pare-pareho lang sila! Burn them. 51.03%
WHY NOT? Basta sabihin niyang lahat ang kanyang nalalaman sa PDAF scam. 47.42%
Mga judgmental! Wala siyang kasalanan. Nagamit lang siya ni Enrile! 1.55%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Lui Andrada IG and Kris Aquino IG]





T@NG-I*@, HAPPY!

21 04 2014

1gg
JESSICA LUCILA ‘GIGI’ REYES is back in the country. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored paramour who was recently indicted for plunder in connection with the pork barrel scam arrived before dawn Saturday. In a brief statement released this morning, Senator Enrile said, “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.”

Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

Only GMA News was at the NAIA when Gigi Reyes arrived. The news crew was asking too many questions. But Reyes kept her cool and answered the questions juan at a time.

1GR
On Saturday morning, Gigi Reyes returned, unannounced. No escorts, no drama, no fanfare, and surprisingly, no wheelchair.

A month after the PDAF scandal broke out, Gigi Reyes left the country. That was almost eight months ago. No one knows where she’s been. She could have been to the US or Canada. Or maybe in the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the British Virgin Islands or Zurich. We don’t know.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes arrived on Black Saturday. Senator Enrile was overheard saying, “She puts the ‘gloria’ in Sabado de Gloria.”

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Gigi Reyes returned to Manila before dawn Saturday. Her brother Patrick says Senator Enrile was not told of her arrival. To which, ABS-CBN News and TV5 said, “Kami rin!”

Legal
New Hampshire lawmakers recently voted to make adultery legal in the state. In totally unrelated news, Senator Enrile denied reports he’s spending his retirement years in New Hampshire.

Jinggoy’s Prayers
During the Holy Week break, Jinggoy Estrada reportedly prayed to God that his detractors be enlightened. In response, God ordered Jinggoy to enlighten Him first on what happened to the 230 million-peso pork barrel fund released to his office.

marOh Mar!
Last week, the Philippine Star reported that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas blew his top and shouted at the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club who insisted that he pay some fees. Roxas was quoted to have said, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” To be fair, Roxas has apologized. Apparently, the incident taught him some valuable lessons. It taught him how to be patient, how to be understanding, and how to ruin his chances of winning the presidency in 2016.

Sec. Mar Roxas clarified that his strong words were not directed at anyone. He has since apologized for what happened and called it an “unfortunate incident.” Or as ‘Ayala Avenue’ would say, “a #throwbackmoment.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle prayed for true peace. He asked God for peace in communities ravaged by earthquakes, typhoons and armed conflicts. He also prayed for peace in our hearts, homes, institutions, and golf courses.

Meteor Shower
From the evening of Monday (April 21) to predawn of April 22, a meteor shower will light up Philippine skies. Astronomers say dozens of so-called ‘falling stars’ will be visible in the sky. So expect to see Jinggoy, Bong, and probably, Mar Roxas.
————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I’m facing the charges. I’ve always faced it.”
~Gigi Reyes

“If there is something wrong in what I did, I sincerely apologize for hurting someone. There was a misunderstanding on my part, for which I apologize. I direct my apology to the Wack Wack family.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Poll Results
Sa Metro Manila, ano ang madalas mong sakyan?

Train (MRT/LRT) 24.89%
Sariling sasakyan 24.45%
Jeep 22.27%
Bus 19.65%
Taxi 8.73%

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





THIEVES, LAST WORDS, AND OTHER STORIES

17 04 2014

1nap
FORMER SENATOR Panfilo Lacson’s wife Alice had a horrifying experience in Manila recently. Just seconds after alighting from her parked car, robbers snatched one of her diamond-studded gold earrings. She is ok now. It was not the first time Mrs. Lacson came face-to-face with thieves. She used to visit the Senate remember?

Former senator Panfilo Lacson’s wife Alice was victimized by a bunch of thieves in Manila. At least three suspects have been identified. The thieves claimed innocence and vowed to defend themselves in separate privilege speeches.

1Sorry
After receiving complaints from travelers, President Aquino apologized for the busted air conditioning system at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport – one of the world’s worst airports. Things are getting worse over there at the NAIA. It was so bad that this morning, Ninoy Aquino appealed that the airport be re-named after someone else.

Waterless
Due to the flood control project of the Department of Public Works and Highways, 400,000 residents of Metro Manila and Cavite are now experiencing water service cutoff. Those areas will go dry. If it’s any consolation, they now have something in common with the President.

Reckless
A driver of a sportscar that overtook a presidential convoy last Wednesday was charged with reckless driving. When he was ticketed, Jeffrey Roxas-Chua of Urdaneta Village, Makati City got angry and told a police officer, “Kay Presidente pala kayo huh. Ganyan pala. Humanda ka ‘pag naging presidente si Binay o si Erap. Ipatatanggal kita.” Apparently, Chua was not only driving really fast. He was also packing winds of up to 285 kilometres per hour.

Pacquiao
Reports say Manny Pacquiao might see action in the PBA soon. Pacman was quoted to have said he might just play for one of the three newest teams in the league – Kia. Owners of other teams are reportedly cool with the idea as long as the PBA imposes a ban on Mommy Dionisia.

Message
In his Holy Week message, President Aquino said, “As followers of Jesus, Filipinos must always be ready to make their own sacrifices.” And MRT riders were like, “You have no freakin’ idea.”

BlaGK-WCYAEifG_
Seven Last Modern Words

“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”
– People praying for selfie addicts

“I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
– Juan Ponce Enrile on the phone with Gigi Reyes

“Dear woman, here is your son.”
– God explaining ‘things’ to Raquel Pempengco

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”
– MRT Rider

“I am thirsty.”
– Anne Curtis

“It is finished!”
– Jejomar Binay to 2016 rivals

“Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!”
– Erap holding a glass of Petrus wine while praying

Married
Scientists say an authentic papyrus fragment found in ancient Egypt suggests Jesus was married. In the said document, Jesus mentioned the words “my wife” while talking to his disciples. A number of people are questioning its authenticity though. In the interest of fair reporting, we will get the side of the person who took the minutes of that meeting.

Record-Breaker
In Brgy. San Pedro Cutud, City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 53-year-old signboard maker, Ruben Enaje was crucified for the 28th time as he portrayed the role of Jesus in the traditional staging of a play called Via Crucis. Tourists and residents applauded Enaje for his record-setting feat. He totally nailed it!
———————————————————————————-
“Miracles only happen if you believe in miracles.”
~ Paulo Coelho

Sound Bites
“Humihingi tayo ng paumanhin at pasensya pero talagang sa higpit ng mga patakaran sa gobyerno… hindi ka naman puwedeng umorder ngayon (ng air-con units) at deliver within 30 days.”
~President Aquino on the busted aircon system at the NAIA

The BIR’s Latest Print Ad:
Attention: Lawyers
1g

Have a safe vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Information Agency, SunStar Cebu, Associated Press, Bureau of Internal Revenue]





UNANIMOUS

14 04 2014

THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Holy Week has officially started. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as MRT riders would say, “everyday.”

0
As in the previous years, the Senate will stage its own version of the senakulo. Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada were unanimously chosen to play the role of the two thieves crucified with Jesus.

Of course, someone’s going to wash his hands during the play. Guess who’s invited to play Pontius Pilate? MRT General Manager Al Vitangcol.

Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus was rewarded with 30 pieces of silver. No one among the 24 senators was willing to play the part when they were told by Kim Henares that the reward was taxable.

The Senate has invited actress Anne Curtis to play Mary Magdalene. Anne insists on playing a part in the Last Supper scene. She can’t wait for the wine to be served.

President Aquino has taped his Holy Week message to Filipinos. In the 45-second video, he blamed GMA for the arrest and crucifixion of Jesus.

The annual exodus of Filipinos to the provinces for the Holy Week has begun. To avoid long lines in bus terminals, palace spokesman Sonny Coloma has a brilliant suggestion. Ride an airplane.

While Filipinos are on vacation, oil companies are reportedly implementing oil price increases. It’s their way of observing ‘Mahal na Araw.’

11Pacquiao Scores
Manny Pacquiao reclaimed the WBO welterweight title with a unanimous decision victory over Timothy Bradley. With the win, Pacquiao believes his journey as a boxer will continue. Here’s hoping that his journey as a politician will soon end.

The fight lasted 12 rounds. For two judges, it was 116-112 and for another, 118-110 – all in favor of Mommy Dionisia.

Timothy Bradley is undefeated no more. For the first time in his professional career, he tasted defeat. Bradley has realized that nothing in this world is permanent – except for Chavit Singson’s presence in every Pacquiao fight.

After watching the multimillion dollar world title fight, Manny’s wife Jinkee was overcome with emotion. While her husband was celebrating inside the ring, Jinkee was crying as she thought about the hardwork, the perseverance, and the BIR.

Online reports say Jinggoy Estrada watched the Pacquiao-Bradley fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. He almost stole the show.

1BongHaydenHoly Trip!
Last week, Hayden Kho and Bong Revilla bumped into each other in the Holy Land – which probably explains the reported sudden drop in the level of holiness of that land recently.

Bong Revilla is back from a trip to the Holy Land. The embattled actor says he “expects to be arrested anytime.” To which, Filipino taxpayers said, ‘Hopefully.’

Lotto
The PCSO has denied online allegations it rigged the P250M Grand Lotto draw recently. A Muntinlupa City resident was declared the lone winner in that draw. I’m not sure about the rigging but for me, the worst thing about the lotto is that I haven’t won the jackpot.
———————————————————
“The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy.”
~William Hazlitt

Sound Bites
“Habang nagbabakbakan sila, nagpi-pray ako. Ipinagdadasal kong pabagsakin ni Manny si Bradley.”
~Mommy Dionisia

Poll Results
Anong evening newscast ang madalas mong pinapanood?

TV Patrol 30.21%
24 Oras 24.26%
State of the Nation (SONA) 9.57%
Depende sa content. Minsan, iba’t iba, 9.57%
Solar Network News 9.15%
Aksyon (TV5) 7.02%
Bandila 4.26%
Others 3.4%
Saksi 1.49%
Solar Nightly News 0.85%
Pilipinas News (TV5) 0.21%
News+ (Studio 23) 0%

Have a safe vacation/staycation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Agence France Presse, Hayden Kho]





BUSES AND TRAINS

11 04 2014

0
ABS-CBN NEWS spotted Jinggoy Estrada in California walking with the aid of a cane. Viewers were stunned. They did not anticipate a rehearsal this early.

Jinggoy Estrada said he would not resign because he was elected by 18 million Filipinos. At press time though, those 18 million still won’t give a reaction, and asked for prayers and forgiveness instead.

Malling
Police captured a crocodile wandering outside a mall in California. California Fish and Wildlife officials have yet to confirm rumors that the crocodile is Filipino.

0
The Kim and Anne
Reports say Anne Curtis went to the office of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares Thursday night. Everyone was surprised to see the controversial actress. In fact, a starstruck security guard asked, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are too classy to be here.”

Anne Curtis was at the BIR office last Thursday. Commissioner Kim Henares refuses to confirm rumors Anne is facing tax evasion charges. But close friends of the TV host have denied it, saying Anne went to the BIR to buy the agency.

Dyesebel star Anne Curtis visited the BIR office last Thursday evening. Something’s fishy.

88
Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner just turned 88. Asked for advice on how to achieve a long life, Hefner answered, “Avoid pork.” To which Senator Enrile said, “Hindi rin.”

0Options
Amid system malfunctions and very long lines in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma advised MRT passengers to try other options like taking a bus ride on Edsa. In response, MRT passengers advised Coloma to try other options like, ‘Thinking before talking.’

Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma says disgruntled MRT riders should try other modes of transport like buses since “hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.” This begs the question, “Where have you been?”

To avoid long queues in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma told MRT riders to ride a bus on Edsa instead. Even the reviled Edwin Lacierda was like, “I won’t even dare suggest that!”

0
Top 5 New Valuable Suggestions From Palace Spokesman Sonny Coloma

No. 5: Kung wala nang mabili ang kakarampot mong suweldo sa palengke, mag-grocery ka na lang sa Rustan’s.

No. 4: Kung hindi mo na ma-take ang lenggwahe ni Arnold Clavio, manood ka na lang ng T3 ng Tulfo Brothers.

No. 3: Kung Comm Arts major ka at hirap na hirap kang ipasa ang Math 1 at NatSci 1, mag-shift ka na lang sa Metallurgical Engineering o Molecular Biology and Biotechnology.

No. 2: Kung mahal na mahal mo ang iyong officemate pero marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya, ligawan mo na lang si Anne Curtis.

And the No. 1 new valuable suggestion from palace spokesman Sonny Coloma…

Kung hindi pa rin nababawasan ang iyong timbang sa kabila ng pagda-diet at exercise, ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang!

Dared
A group of train commuters challenged President Aquino and his cabinet: “Commute daily! Try n’yo lang!” The President and his Cabinet replied, “Ahm, choppy kayo, choppy! Konting ikot, wala kaming marinig.”

Rated SPG
From 74 percent, President Aquino’s trust rating has dropped to 69. If it’s any consolation, that’s the closest he can get to having raunchy sex.

Worship
At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.
——————————————–
“If only this great concern we have for our own sensitive feelings expanded to encompass the feelings of our fellow men.”
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yong MRT lang ba ang puwedeng sakyan doon sa mga rutang dinadaanan nito? Baka naman puwedeng matuklasan ‘yong iba pang mga options. Hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

Tale of the Tape
10

Have a great weekend! Good luck Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to ABS-CBN News, The Manila Bulletin, Solar News.Ph, Agence France Presse]








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