6 03 2014

ASH WEDNESDAY marks the start of Lent. Usually, Christians give up something for Lent. Some people give up certain food or drink while others give up smoking. Benhur Luy gave up his lawyer.

The Pope
Pope Francis accidentally uttered the Italian equivalent of the word ‘fuck’ while delivering a sermon at the Vatican’s Apostolic Palace the other day. Instead of saying caso (meaning, example), the Pope uttered Adele Dazeem.

Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile’s estranged wife Cristina appeared on Winnie Monsod’s talk show last Monday. Cristina confirmed that Enrile and his former chief of staff, lawyer Gigi Reyes were having an affair. Or as the Pope would accidentally say, ‘f*cking.’

Of the Enrile-Gigi Reyes romance, Cristina Enrile said, “I dont’ think it’s an affair anymore. It’s a necessity. He needs her for his work.” To which, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “I know, right?”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie that Senator Enrile had 38 different affairs. Thirty-eight! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

It’s the tax season once again. Corrupt lawmakers and politicians call it Christmas.

The Bureau of Internal Revenue has launched a new campaign against tax evaders. The BIR’s message is very clear. There are two types of taxpayers: the honest ones, and doctors.

The BIR’s controversial print ad carried the message: “When you don’t pay your taxes, you’re a burden to those who do.” And Lucio Tan was like, “Whatevs.”

Forbes has released its list of the world’s billionaires. The Philippines has 10. The wealthiest list includes Henry Sy, Lucio Tan, Andrew Tan, Enrique Razon, John Gokongwei Jr., David Consunji, George Ty, Ton Tan Caktiong, Robert Coyiuto Jr., and Andrew Gotianun. In the Forbes article, these men shared some tips on how to get rich. Tip No. 1: You should be Chinese.

Forbes has released the list of the world’s wealthiest people. Ten billionaires came from the Philippines: Sy, Tan, another Tan, Gokongwei. Consunji, Caktiong, Coyiuto, Gotianun, Ty and Spanish mestizo Razon. The list was “so Chinese” even Enrique Razon doubted his Spanish lineage for a moment.

In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

The Commission on Human Rights says what the mayor did to the suspected thief was “a clear, gross violation of human rights.” But according to the mayor identified as Thony Halili, the man was a repeat offender and there was “no other way of making him stop other than shaming him.” Halili’s action was lauded by BIR Commissioner Kim Henares.

[Personal: I'd like to meet the mayor and ask why his first name has an h. I'm really bothered.]

movieKris and Bimby
In her talk show, Kris Aquino revealed that her 6-year-old son Bimby once asked her, “Mama, so Kuya and I have different papas, right? So that means you had sex with two men?” You have no idea kid. You have no idea.

At six, Bimby surprisingly knows things about sex. In other news, President Aquino is 54. #WalaLang
“The only thing worse than the guilt was the fear of getting caught.”
~Elin Hilderbrand, A Summer Affair

Sound Bites
“I don’t think it’s an affair anymore. It’s a necessity.”
~ Cristina Castañer Enrile on the affair of her husband Juan Ponce Enrile with his chief of staff Gigi Reyes

“So kasalanan lahat ng mga babae? Walang kasalanan si senator kasi lalaki lang siya, natural lang. Gano’n ba?”
~ Lawyer Gigi Reyes reacting to Cristina Enrile’s revelations

“It’s not insulting; it’s just making a statement of fact. ‘Di ba, there’s a saying, ‘Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ‘wag magalit.’”
~ BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Poll Results
Kung magkakatoo ang sinulat ng journalist na si Ellen Tordesillas, alin sa mga sumusunod na tandem ang susuportahan mo sa 2016?

Wala na bang iba? 65.57%
Masyado pang maaga! 15.3%
Mar Roxas – Chiz Escudero 10.93%
Jejomar Binay – Tony Meloto 4.92%
Alan Peter Cayetano – Sonny Trillanes 3.28%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Rappler, BIR, Kris Aquno’s IG)


3 03 2014

DAYS AFTER it was reported that two congressmen filed a bill seeking to penalize people who wouldn’t fall in line, another solon – Rene Relampagos of Bohol – filed a bill that seeks to declare adobo as “national food.” A majority of congressmen are expected to express support for the bill considering their undying love for pork.

In 2011, Congressman Rene Relampagos of Bohol (s’ya ulit!) proposed to change the name of EDSA and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Next week Relampagos is filing a bill that seeks to declare Kris Aquino as our national pastime.

Pampanga Representative (also, Rain or Shine coach) Yeng Guiao has filed a bill that seeks to rename Clark International Airport and call it Corazon C. Aquino International Authority. When a group of solons opposed the proposed measure, Yeng Guiao walked out of the plenary.

Pasay City representative Emi Calixto-Rubiano has filed a bill that would require cities and municipalities to create a park for “bicyclists.” The bill is being lauded by LGBT groups.

1aaBinay’s Party
Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Binay is considering Governor Vilma Santos of Batangas as a potential running mate in 2016. Cue *kapeng barako* jokes.

Fifteen months after Typhoon Pablo hit Davao Oriental, many barangays are still without power. During his recent visit to the province, President Aquino was shocked to learn about the situation. To be fair, the residents were also shocked to learn that the national government cared about them.

In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month. It’s the time of the year when fire incidents are not prevented.

Just last week, the Sandiganbayan convicted former Oriental Mindoro governor Rodolfo Valencia of graft and corruption and sentenced him to a maximum of 10 years in prison. The case against Valencia was resolved after 21 long years. Or as Tanda, Pogi and Sexy would say, “Nice!”

President Aquino says removing the very controversial Zenaida Ducut from her post as chair of the Energy Regulatory Commission must have a justifiable reason. The President says there has to be a process. And former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo was like, “Yeah right!”

Last Thursday, ABS-CBN’s Bandila apologized for Jasmin Romero’s report on a “flesh-eating” “mysterious disease” in Pangasinan that turned out to be a hoax. ABS-CBN says the Office of the Network Ombudsman is investigating what happened. If Jasmin gets fired, TV5 is reportedly willing to give her a job: as host of ‘Wow Mali.’

Reports say Chinese coast guard ships used water cannons to scare away Filipino fishermen from the disputed Panatag Shoal two weeks ago. Local fishermen vow to be more courageous next time. If they encounter those Chinese vessels again, they’ll scare them away by showing Bandila’s report on the flesh-eating disease.

Genelito Macaraig, a cab driver returned a belt bag containing 1,000 Australian dollars and other valuables left by a passenger in his cab. This guy is honest. He’ll never be a congressman.

New Planets
Astronomers recently announced the discovery of some 715 new planets outside our Solar System. I think that’s good news. Those 715 planets are more than enough to accommodate our 318 lawmakers.

Academy Awards
The annual Academy Awards were held Monday morning (Manila time). The Oscars is now 86 years old. Or as Gigi Reyes would say, ‘Interesting!’

Jared Leto won the Best Supporting Oscar for ‘Dallas Buyers Club.’ He had one of the best speeches of the night. He thanked his mother, and dedicated his award to people with HIV/AIDS. He also made a shout out to people in places that are in chaos right now like Ukraine, Venezuela, and the Philippine Senate.

Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor for Dallas Buyers Club… totally shattering the hopes of E.R. Ejercito to be recognized for his performance in ‘Boy Golden.’

The Best Picture winner was 12 Years A Slave. In the movie, a free man was enslaved for 12 years – which was about the same length of time allotted for this year’s Oscars telecast.

Host Ellen DeGeneres’s group selfie became the most retweeted selfie ever. In case you didn’t notice, Chavit Singson was there! Look again.

What he experienced was tough but he managed to pull through. On Startalk, comedian Wally Bayola finally spoke about his controversial video with a dancer. He’s strong despite the sex scandal. In fact, he’s on top of the situation.
“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a disgrace, that two become a lawfirm, and that three or more become a congress.”
~ John Adams

Your Turn
Some people are asking if they could contribute their own jokes here. I think that’s cool. Just make sure the jokes you’ll be sending are original.  I’ll be selecting the best ones and publish them here. Email me at Include your name or alias (how you wanna be credited). I’ll be waiting.

Ellen Tordesillas – Mar-Chiz, Binay-Meloto, Cayetano-Trillanes
“The intriguing thing about this Binay-Meloto team up is that it is brokered by a presidential relative.”

Poll Results
Isa ka ba sa mga naniwalang may kaugnayan ang “misteryosong sakit” sa Pangasinan sa hula diumano ng isang ‘propetang’ Indian?
NO. Nag-iisip ako! 84.96%
YES. Pero late na nang ma-realize ko, #GullibleMuch 7.96%
YES. Creepy naman talaga eh. 7.08%

Have a great week ahead!

[Photos:, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Bandila Screencap]

FLESH-EATING #MisteryosongReport

27 02 2014

#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

Ending Monday’s report on a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” in Pangasinan, Bandila teased its viewers, “May kinalaman kaya ang misteryosong sakit na ito sa isang prophecy?” I can’t remember the name of the “prophet.” A friend says its sounds like Nimsaj Oremor.

Seriously though, I feel bad for reporter Jasmin Romero. Rumors say irate bosses had her ‘quarantined.’

When the Health Department confirmed that Bandila’s controversial report on a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” in Pangasinan was a hoax, the news program made just a short report on the same issue the next day. It then quickly segued to an item about Meralco. Kuryente pa rin.

On Tuesday, Bandila anchor Julius Babao said it was not the program’s intention to scare the public. And self-proclaimed prophet Sadhu was like, “So, fault ko? Kasalanan kong idinawit n’yo ako sa report n’yo?! Gano’n?”

ABS-CBN News is in hot water these days. Or as Arnold Clavio would say, “Your turn!”

According to an Inquirer report, ABS-CBN News has removed the video of the original Bandila story from its website. But it’s too late! The false report on the flesh-eating disease has gone bacterial. I mean, viral.

1KTransvaginal Ultrasound
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Napoles had a check up the other day. According to doctors, Napoles has a cyst in her uterus. Bandila is verifying rumors Napoles’s illness was predicted by an Indian prophet.

Reporters went to Camp Crame Wednesday to cover the medical check up of Janet Napoles. Some of them started to panic when ABS-CBN reporter Jasmine Romero arrived wearing a protective gear, goggles and face mask.

Janet Napoles underwent a medical check up Wednesday. Doctors did not find any life-threatening disease. This was contrary to Napoleses’s lawyer’s claims she probably had ovarian tumor or worse, cancer. It was an exaggeration. The lawyer has denied reports he was a former ABS-CBN News reporter.

In Ukraine…
Disgraced leader Viktor Yanukovych who was ousted following days of street protests in Kiev insists he did not quit his post. Yanukovych has left the presidential palace in the capital and returned to his home in Polk Street.

In Delaware, USA…
A woman was charged for grabbing her boyfriend’s scrotum and “squeezing as hard as she could” during a heated argument. The woman was identified as Kris Aquino.

1BBawal Sumingit
Ako Bicol Party-list Representatives Christopher Co and Rodel Batocabe have filed a bill that seeks to penalize people who do not fall in line. #PrayForCoAndBatocabe #PrayForBicol

Two congressmen have filed a bill that seeks to penalize people who refuse to fall in line. When are we going to penalize congressmen who file unnecessary bills?
“People should get their information from the source with facts before sharing it. Rumors can be lots of different opinions, based on what other people think. This is where lies begin to build and develop into things that are harmful to others.”
~Ellen J. Barrier

Sound Bites
“Isang misteryosong sakit ang unti-unting kumakalat ngayon sa Pangasinan, isang sakit na tila umano’y kumakain ng balat at laman ng tao…”
~News anchor Julius Babao reading from a teleprompter, Bandila, February 25, 2014

“It shows here the role of media; that responsible journalism is important.”
~ Health Undersecretary Teodoro Herbosa

Don’t be gullible. #PrayForSensationalizedReporting

Poll Results
Dapat bang payagang ma-hospital arrest si Janet Lim-Napoles?
No. 57.29%
Saka na kapag malala na talaga. 38.54%
Yes. 4.17%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bandila screencap via, @Bandila, Philippine Daily Inquirer, House of Representatives]


24 02 2014

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN MARTINEZ, the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi arrived from Russia Sunday afternoon. The 17-year-old athlete was all smiles as adoring fans and supporters welcomed him. And then things got a bit awkward when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza suddenly appeared in the background.

Malacañang confirmed it has received a courtesy call request from the Philippine Sports Commission. But presidential spokesman Sonny Coloma said there’s no schedule yet since, “Medyo hectic ang schedule ng Pangulo sa darating na linggo dahil sa pagdiriwang ng EDSA 1 at pagpunta sa Malaysia para sa state visit.” You want the President to meet Michael in Malacañang? Here’s a tip: change his name to Janet Napoles.

Congressmen have filed a resolution commending the performance of Michael Christian Martinez in the Sochi Olympics. The lawmakers said, “He definitely did not disappoint our countrymen.” To which, Michael replied, “Sana kayo rin.”

Tito Sotto also filed a resolution commending Winter Olympian Michael Martinez. According to Sotto, “Martinez has proved to Filipinos that with perseverance, determination and hardwork, it is possible to attain and fulfill one’s goals.” I will react to this statement as soon as I’ve verified that the words used were Sotto’s and not someone else’s.

Napoles, Sick?
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has asked the court to allow her to take a medical exam after allegedly experiencing profuse mentsrual bleeding recently. Doctors have yet to confirm if it’s a case of cancer or karma.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera, the suspected pork barrel queen has been experiencing profuse bleeding recently. See? Even her own blood wanted out of her system.

For coming late to class, a graduating PMA cadet (in the running for salutatorian) was ordered dismissed. That’s the claim of Jeff Aldrin Cudia’s relatives. But the PMA insisted the dismissal had something to do with Cudia’s lying about the reason for being late thus breaking the academy’s Honor Code. The PMA’s Honor Code implores its cadets and alumni “not to lie, cheat, steal nor tolerate among them those who do.” And former Major General Carlos Garcia was like, “’Di nga?!?”

Just days after a PMA cadet was dismissed for being late to class, a PSG member was sacked following his arrest in Makati City for possession of several ATM cards and a scanner. Raphael Marcial, a member of PMA Class 2008 was nabbed in front of an automated teller machine (ATM) early Friday night. Sought for reaction, Marcial said, “At least I was early.”

Brigadier General Noel Miano was charged with sexual harassment at the Sandiganbayan for allegedly groping an 18-year-old girl in 2011. He is a member of PMA Class ’81. To be fair to Miano, the PMA’s Honor Code talks about lying, cheating, and stealing only. There’s no groping.

Accused of corruption and human rights violations, Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych was ousted by massive protests in Kiev. Yanukovych was forced to leave the capital together with his children, and wife Imelda Romualdez Yanukovych.

A popular uprising in Kiev has ousted Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych. Sketchy reports say the disgraced leader has fled Ukraine and is headed to either Paoay or Hawaii.

Reigning world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko, is one of the more prominent leaders of the protests in Ukraine. Supporters say Klitschko is qualified to run for president in 2015. They insist that the popular boxer is decisive, brave, and an honest taxpayer.

jinIn Nicaragua…
A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

In Phoenix, Arizona…
A 5-year-old pit bull named Micky mauled a 4-year-old boy. The attack was so vicious everyone in the neighborhood now hates the pit bull – prompting lawyer Raymond Fortun to volunteer as the pit bull’s spokesperson.
“Telling the truth may cause a few seconds of pain, but there’s no medicine that can manage the pain of keeping lies.”
~ R.M. Ford

Sound Bites
“If there’s any evidence against me, I will go to jail myself.”
~Joel Villanueva, TESDA director-general and former party-list representative on his alleged involvement in the pork barrel scam

Poll Results
Dapat bang tanggapin bilang state witness si Ruby Tuason?
Yes. 45%
No. 35%
Magbabasa muna ako. Wala akong alam sa issue. 20%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


21 02 2014

THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week


Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



18 02 2014

Malacañang AFTER Michael Christian Martinez’s historic Sochi Olympics stint:

Malacañang BEFORE Michael Christian Martinez skated at the Sochi Olympics:

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN Martinez became the first Filipino and Southeast Asian figure skater to participate in the Winter Olympics. Here and in Sochi, Michael has become everyone’s darling leaving Malacañang with no choice but to jump on the bandwagon.

Thanks to Michael Christian Martinez, many Filipinos learned more about the triple axels. We learned more about the triple lutzes. We learned more about the triple flip-double toes. And we learned more about this administration’s lack of concern toward sports development in general.

Figure skating is a fascinating winter sport. I wanna see the likes of Tanda, Sexy, Pogi and Janet Napoles skate. I’m serious. But I wanna see them compete against Tonya Harding.

Some people are asking if all figure skaters were gay just because two or three of them really looked gay. That’s stereotyping. It’s like asking if all lawmakers pocketed pork barrel funds just because four or five of them did. Oh wait! Sorry, that’s a very weak analogy. I take it back.

Feb 14 in History
February 14 was the day Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone patent was granted. Also on February 14, Juan Ponce Enrile was born. Those were two events that happened exactly 138 years ago.

Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 90th birthday last February 14. At 90, he’s being romantically-linked to younger women. In his defense, does he have a choice?

But of course, Senator Enrile has denied that he is dating. To be precise though, he’s carbon dating.

I am in awe of Senator Enrile’s longevity. He’s just a few years shy of being a centenarian. To give you an idea of how old he is, when he was born, the exchange rate was 1 is to 5. That’s 1 cattle for every 5 sheep.

One of my favorite TV shows is back. I’m referring to ‘The Walking Dead’ – Or as pork scam whistleblowers would say: Enrile.

In Greenville, North Carolina, police arrested a 27-year-old woman they accused of failing to return a VHS tape. Yes, you can be arrested for that. When Senator Enrile heard this, he immediately returned his overdue Betamax tapes.

unicefJinggoy, 51
Senator Enrile’s ally, Jinggoy Estrada turned 51 on February 17. According to reports, Enrile’s birthday wish is for Jinggoy to become president in the future. Well, the presidency is a big question. And an even bigger question is will Enrile make it there? I mean, in the ‘future.’

Senator Enrile’s birthday wish for Jinggoy? To become president in 2016. Which begs the question: What have we done to you Enrile? Why would you want to punish us?

Metro motorists are advised to brace themselves for monstrous traffic jams as the construction of the Skyway Stage 3 project begins. We can do this people. If we survived our lawmakers, we can survive this traffic nightmare.

Cybercrime Law
Reports say the Supreme Court has upheld the legality of the controversial Anti-Cybercrime Law. Friends say I should be wary of onion-skinned politicians. And I was like, onion-skinned politicians? You mean, crocodile-skinned.

Some people say overly sensitive politicians may harass me by taking legal action against this blog. Again, this blog does not insult politicians. This blog merely describes them.
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
~ George Burns

Sound Bites
“Siyempre, ayaw ko namang maging kakosa siya. Ayaw kong makulong kami. Ang pinakamaganda ngayon ay dasal. Sana ang mga nag-aakusa sa amin ay magising naman sila.
~Bong Revilla reacting to Jinggoy Estrada’s “kakosa” joke

“Michael Christian Martinez looked all alone in that huge palace; there was no team to welcome him back to the stalls. Yet, as he sat back to listen to his scores being announced, his face broke into a wide grin and he held up his white jacket to show the name of the country he was representing: the Philippines. That little gesture spoke volumes. It didn’t matter that he won no medals. He was telling the world that his country exists—not just as the site of catastrophic disasters but as a pool of gifted and disciplined athletes.”
~Prof. Randy David, Michael’s triple axel, PDI 2/15/2014

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]


14 02 2014

WITH THE HELP of Julian Assange and Edward Snowden, we were able to access private Valentine-related tweets of some local personalities. We are making them public for the first time. Enjoy!

@MrPalengke Pssst! Saan ang lakad n’yo ni @RatedK ngayong Valentine? Galingan mo na kasi para makabuo na kayo. Good luck!

@ThePresidentNoy Hindi naman ako ang may problema eh. Ayaw mabuntis ni @RatedK. Masisira raw ang figure. Ang laki na kasi ng nagagastos sa Cohen diet. Kaya heto, diet rin ako sa *bleep* lolz

@MrPalengke Are you even aware that when you tag someone, mababasa nila ang tweets mo? SMH! I’m sorry @ThePresidentNoy pero wala ka nang pakialam sa sex life namin ni @MrPalengke! Get a life!

@RatedK Sorry, na-hack yata ang account ko. Hindi ako ‘yon.

@Sexy It’s the month of love. Please forgive me for testifying against you Jinggoy. Hindi na kasi kaya ng konsensya ko. Regards na lang kay Mareng @DoctoraLoi !

@RubiTuasonSocialite Gago! Malaki ang naitulong sa ‘yo ni Mommy @DoctoraLoi! Sabay pa kayong nagpapa-botox noon tapos tatraydurin mo s’ya?! Kapal ng mukha mo!

@RubiTuasonSocialite ‘Wag mo akong ma-mare-mare! Walanghiya ka! Pati si Mareng @JustaTantocoSocialite idinamay mo pa. Tamaan ka sana ng kidlat. #getlost

We’re sorry to inform you @RubiTuasonSocialite that you can no longer access the tweets of @JustaTantocoSocialite and @DoctoraLoi. You’ve been blocked.

@CongLani happy valentines day babe. mamaya, sunduin kta dyan. hatid ko lang si lani sa gma taping. maligo ka ha tapos suot mo ang binili kong biquini bikenee bikini. #exsited

@AmazingKap wrong send ka na naman pa! gusto mo bang ako na lang ang mag-tweet sa kanya? alam ko ang twitter account ng babaeng ‘yan.

@CongLani sweeeeeetheart! soorrrrrrrri! na-click ko lang. babawi aq later. pramis. sa yo naman ako uuwi 2nyt eh. sorry ulit. i love u!

namis ko ang party sa heretage pag valntines Day. marami kaming iniinvyt na artista tapos kinakantahan pa ako ni darling @HighMeNapoles. kinilig talaga ako. mukhalang tanga. hihihi

@JustJanet wag monang ipaalalasa kin. nasisinti ako. ingat ka na lang jan swethart.

Good news ngayong Valentine’s Day! Isa na namang OFW ang nasagip natin mula sa tiyak na kamatayan sa ibang bansa. Salamat sa Diyos. Mabuhay ang mga bagong bayani!

@Binay2016 whatever. #lahatnalanginaannounce #ehdiIKAWna

@MrPalengke Unfair! Lahat na lang pinupuna n’yo. Kahit anong gawin ng daddy ko, minamasama n’yo at binibigyan ng kulay. #blackpropaganda

… is in a relationship. Slam Dunk Love!

@JusticeSec sus. ‘yan ka na naman sa slam dunk na ‘yan.

@Binay2016 why belittle my ability to fall in love? why can’t you just be happy for me?

@Galunggong ‘musta mama g? I will you call you later when you wake up. happy valentine’s day. 14344 5254! missing you so much.

@All4JuanPonce hey! i’m still awake. happy birthday! I can’t sleep. 4:30am here. tawag ka na daddy. #sad #alone #scared #when #will #we #see #each #other #again #hu #hu #hu

@Galunggong kailangang palamigin pa natin nang konti ang isyu. basta, ‘wag kang bibitaw. nandito lang ako. #YouandMeAgainsttheWorld love you. KIT!

@All4JuanPonce what’s KIT?

@Galunggong Keep In Touch hihihi

@All4JuanPonce baduy mo daddy! #oldschool hehehe

Hijo de pu… LORD! Why do you allow such debauchery? Why?!?

ito ang pnakaayaw kong pitsa sa lahat. valentines day. ang daming dapat bigyan ng flowers. pag di mo nabigyan, magtatampo. hayyy mga babae talaga! #pogiproblems

@Erapsyon pare, ikaw ang expert eh. ano bang mas ok ibigay kay @Galunggong darling ko: Flowers o chocolates?

@Tanda manong, sa mga panahong ito, hindi flowers o chocolates ang kailangan niya. ang importante: puso! #TangInaAngCheesyKo #AkoBaTalagaIto

Tumahimik ka na @Erapsyon! Kinikilabutan ako.

@ThePresidentNoy I hate you naaaa. You forgot my birthday palaaaa. Why? Busy ka ba sa love life mo!? As if! Aha-ha-ha!

@Krissy ‘Wag ka nga rito mag-tantrum. ‘Tawagan kita mamaya. Delete mo na ‘yang tweet mo! Nakakahiya.

@Vhongga pssst. kuya, umalis na c zeddrick. punta ka na sa condo. dala ka kropeck and duct tape tapos laruin ko flappy bird mo.

@DRealDniece ULOL!

Paramdam lang. Senador pa rin me 4 you’re information hihihi. Sarap kayang maging senador. Sarap matulog don, airconed hihihi hashtag jokesonly hihihihi

Humor Trumps Looks
According to a recent SWS study, in choosing a partner, 90 percent of adult Filipinos (both male and female) choose sense of humor over good looks. Those adult Filipinos are called liars.

For 2016?
DILG Secretary Mar Roxas has reportedly hired the services of an American political strategist to enhance his public image. The first step towards achieving this is to enhance Korina Sanchez’s image.

An unverified survey showed 1 out of 4 believed Jinggoy Estrada’s claim that he never pocketed a single centavo from his pork barrel allocation. That one was identified as Jinggoy Esrada.

A study conducted by University of Tennessee researchers found that four species of crocodiles can climb trees — which are nothing compared to a species of crocodiles in the Philippines which can run for public office.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
~ Aesop

For making it that far, for making us all proud, for showing the world your immense talent, thank you Michael Christian Martinez!

Sound Bites
“I feel like a real champion.”
~Filipino Winter Olympian Michael Christian Martinez moments after making it to the Top 24

ruby jinggoy
“After I split from my husband, Mike Arroyo and I were not really you know talking because when I caught my husband (cheating) I burned all his clothes, all his things. I burned it all. All 100 pairs of his Italian shoes. All his suits and that got him (FG Arroyo) upset on why I did that. We had a falling out…Na upset sila sa akin. Buti nga hindi siya ang sinunog ko. Na cre-cremate siya nang buhay na buhay.”
~Socialite Ruby Tuason on ex-husband Butch Tuason and his first cousin Mike Tuason Arroyo

Have a safe weekend! Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters,, Rappler,, PDI]


11 02 2014

IN 2012, we had a series of exclusive interviews with the Devil.

Last week, after concluding its 2013 world tour that included stops in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and South Sudan, the Devil returned to Manila. We had a brief chat the other day, and I am sharing with you the following excerpts from that conversation.

Kumusta ka na Mr Devil?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw, how are you?

Oh, I’m fine. I’m good.

Pathetic. Walang excitement at challenge ang buhay. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Diretso na tayo sa mga isyu. Ruby Tuason is in the news. Gusto niyang maging state witness sa pork barrel scam. Anong masasabi mo?

That bitch! She’s one of my protégés. Ilang taon ko rin siyang tinulungan pero ito pa ang iginanti niya sa akin: ang magpakabuti at itama ang mali! Pagsisisihan n’ya ito!

Itinatanggi ni Jinggoy ang mga akusasyon ni Ruby Tuason. Wala raw siyang tinanggap na kickback from his pork barrel. Ni isang kusing daw ay wala siyang ibinulsa.

I taught him well. Keep it up Senator!

Sabi ni Justice Sec. Leila De Lima, ‘slam dunk’ evidence ang magiging testimonya ni Ruby Tuason. Any reaction?

Nag-react na ako kamakalawa.

Saan? Nagpa-interview ka ba?

Hindi. Pero kung anong sinabi ng inyong bise presidente, sang-ayon ako. Walang kwenta ang testimonya ng traydor na babaeng ‘yan!

You mean… friends kayo ni Vice President Binay?!?!

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako!

How’s your relationship with Senator Tanda?

Awesome. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan kami unang nagkakilala but we communicate regularly! I will always be proud of Manong Johnny. And of course, Gigi. What a lovely couple!

Uy, nag-birthday nga pala si President Aquino noong Sabado ah!

So???! That sexless, balding, and aging haciendero!

Bakit parang ang laki ng galit mo? May pinaghuhugutan?

Naman! Kung ‘di dahil sa Daang Matuwid ng gunggong na ‘yan, malaya pa sana si Ma’am Janet! Masyado siyang KJ! Pati raket ng may raket, pinapakialaman! Eh kung inuuna muna kaya niya ang kanyang love life sa halip na imbestigahan ang pagnanakaw ng iba! Inggit ka?!? Eh ‘di mamorsiyento ka rin, bobo! Tarantado!

Ang sama mo namang magsalita.

Kaya nga demonyo eh. Isa ka pang bobo!

You’re so evil!

Thank you!

Nabalitaan mo ba ‘yong Wheel of Torture sa isang kulungan sa Biñan? Ito ‘yong may pinapaikot na roleta ‘tapos kung saan tumapat, ‘yon ang magiging form of torture sa mga inmates.

Alam mo, saludo talaga ako sa creativity ng mga Pinoy. Kahit ako, ‘di ko naisip ‘yung gano’ng kademonyong gimmick eh. Nakaka-insecure! Akalain mong may mas demonyong idea pa pala sa akin ang mga jail guards. Hashtag #G2BCopsAmazingStory #Winnner!

Pag-usapan naman natin ‘tong kaso ni Vhong Navarro. Ano ang masasabi mo kay Cedric Lee?

Adorable! Narinig mo ba ang interview sa kanya? He said, “Hindi ko kailangan ang palakpak n’yo. Hindi ko kailangan ang boto n’yo. Hindi ako tatakbo. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin n’yo.”

‘Tang-ina! Nagliyab ang Angas Meter sa impyerno habang sinusukat ko ang kaangasan niya. Cedric… ikaw na! I’m so proud of you.

May bago pala siyang spokesman. Sabi ni Atty. Raymond Fortun, underdog daw si Cedric sa labang ito. What can you say?

What more can I say? Mahusay na abogado si Raymond. Naks! First name basis. At tama ang desisyon niyang ipagtanggol si Cedric. He’s on the wrong side! My side! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Close ba kayo ni Attorney Fortun?

Minsan. Pero nabwisit talaga ako sa kanya last year. Akalain mo bang nag-lawyer siya sa mga petitioners versus PDAF! Gago pala siya eh. Ang resulta: idineklarang unconstitutional ng Supreme Court ang pork barrel system. So kung nagbabasa ka ng blog na ito Raymond… next time, gamitin mo ‘yang utak mo! Kung walang pork barrel, anong nanakawin ng mga pulitiko? Tanga ka ba?!

Balik tayo kay Vhong. May nangyari nga bang rape?

I wish! Eh ‘di kung may nangyaring rape, nagpa-party pa ako. Sayang nga eh!

May message ka ba kay Vhong?

(Kumukumpas) Kuya Vhong… may anak ka ring dalawang lalaki! Pagtanda nila, hayaan mo lang silang mambabae! Huwag mo silang pigilang pumunta sa condo para magdala ng food. Kuya Vhong, kung mabugbog sila dahil sa pagtataksil sa kanilang girlfriend, okay lang ‘yon Kuya Vhong. Kakampi mo naman ang ABS-CBN eh. May magtatanggol sa kanila gabi-gabi – mula TV Patrol hanggang UKG… Kuya Vhong!

Moving on… pag-usapan naman natin ang

Wait lang. Hindi pa ako tapos! Kuya Vhong… I will not pray for you.

Ok, that’s enough. Punta na tayo sa Rapid Round. Magbibigay ako ng names… sabihin mo sa akin ang first impression or message mo sa kanila.


Let’s start with Meralco…
Huwaaat? 4.16 pesos per kilowatt hour increase? Ang baba naman! Taasan n‘yo pa. Lumpuhin n’yo pa ang customers! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Manny Pacquiao…
Kapal ng mukha mo! Isinusumpa ko… babalik ka rin sa akin pagdating ng araw. FYI, you’re so missing a lot: casino, babae, alak! Magbago ka na bago mahuli ang lahat!

Kris Aquino…
Walang maitutulong sa iyong love life ang kabibisita mo sa Manaoag. Sa ‘kin ka na lang maniwala. I can give you ‘anyone’ you like.

Bong Revilla…
Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang ginagawa mo. Wala namang namamatay sa kadi-deny eh. Sige lang!

Davidson Banggayan alias David Tan…
Sorry. Busy ako last month kaya ‘di kita na-protektahan. ‘Di bale, pilferage lang naman ang kaso natin. Kayang-kayang malampasan ‘yan!

Mayor Rodrigo Duterte…
Patay tayo d’yan! Next!

Janet Lim-Napoles…
This too shall pass! ‘Pakatatag ka lang d’yan. Don’t lose hope greed. And don’t forget to believe in Me. #BFFs

Deniece Cornejo…
I see great potential in you. Stay strong!

Benhur Luy and the whistleblowers…
Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu all! Mga traydor!

Pope Francis…

President Aquino…
Single! Single! Single! Single! Single!

So, personalan na ito?
Matagal na! ‘Tuwid na Daan’ my ass! Marami pa rin akong kampon sa gobyerno. Hindi ka magtatagumpay kalbo!

ruby jinggoy
Sa Thursday, imbitado si Ruby Tuason sa isang hearing sa Senado. Dadalo ka ba?

Bakit pa?! ‘Di rin naman a-attend ang mga ‘close friends’ ko. Sa impyerno na lang ako manonood.

Ilang tulog na lang, Valentine’s Day na… meron ka bang date o kahit anong plano?

‘Di ka rin nag-iisip ‘no? Wala sa bokabularyo ko ang pagmamahal dahil hatred, selos at LQ ang advocacy ko… bobo!

Kung maka-bobo naman ‘tong demonyong ‘to! Hayup!

Alam ko! Thank you.
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
~ Oscar Wilde

MichaelSound Bites
“My house is mortgaged. It’s a crazy investment. I don’t even think anyone at the president’s office knows there’s a Filipino skating in the Olympics.”
~Maria Theresa Martinez, mother of Sochi Olympian Michael Christian Martinez

News reports say businessman Manny Pangilinan financed Michael’s training. His mother revealed she tried to reach out to President Aquino for financial assistance but was apparently ignored.

“Nice one Mr. President, nice one!” – The Devil

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: SearchBestCartoon, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Startalk, Associated Press]


8 02 2014

HAPPY BIRTHDAY President Aquino! The President turned 54 on February 8. You know the President is getting old when his age is now higher than his net satisfaction rating.

The President was born on February 8, 1960. He’s an Aquarian. According to astrologers, Aquarians are “inefficient” and “detached.” To which the President reacted, “Excuse me! I am not inefficient.”

President Aquino just turned 54. He’s still single but is very much hopeful. Related: Hugh Hefner was 87 when he married Crystal Harris.

When reporters asked about his birthday wish, the President answered, “Better communities, more resilient to disasters.” The answer was applauded, and he went on to win 1st runner-up.

Noy License
Two days before he turned 54, President Aquino went to LTO Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. A palace statement said, “The President, who has rejected the so-called wang-wang mentality since he assumed office in 2010, waited in line along with other license applicants.” Fortunately, the whole process was really fast. The only thing faster was Malacanang’s drafting of that press release.

Last Thursday, President Aquino waited in line at LTO-Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. Or as The Daily Tribune would say, “Aquino loiters, wastes time at LTO”

According to an LTO officer, “The President was surprised at how fast his license was processed.” The whole process was completed in just 26 minutes. Or in President Aquino’s terms, “four sticks.”

Even ordinary folks who queued up for a new license at the LTO were surprised at how fast the processing was. They’re not used to that speed. It was like being “raped” by Vhong Navarro.

ruby jinggoy
THE COLD days are over. Summer is here soon. In fact, right now Jinggoy Estrada and Juan Ponce Enrile are feeling the heat.

Ruby Tuason, Erap Estrada’s friend and former social secretary is back! Tagged in the multi-billion peso pork scam, Tuason admitted, in a sworn statement, that she delivered pork barrel kickbacks to Jinggoy and Enrile since 2004! A rabid Estrada said Tuason’s allegation was a lie. It was 2005.

Jinggoy Estrada was furious. He told ABS-CBN News that Tuason brought him pancit, empanaditas and sandwiches only. And we all thought he was on a diet then.

According to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, Ruby Tuason’s statement which corroborates the whistle-blowers’ testimony against suspected pork scammers is a “slam dunk evidence.” But even before Tuason’s statement could be made public, Jinggoy Estrada told the press he knew Tuason would pin him down. Now that’s goal tending.

The “slam dunk evidence” that was announced by Secretary De Lima was just a “lay up” according to Jinggoy Estrada. That’s FOUL! Tuason’s shot was counted.

Jinggoy Estrada said Ruby Tuason’s testimony was just a “lay up.” He insisted that “In the end, the truth will prevail and I will be vindicated.” Let’s see if he could rebound.

Addressing Ruby Tuason on TV, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Tita Ruby naman, let’s go straight to the facts. Sana po ‘wag naman tayong magsinungaling. Don’t concoct stories. Sabihin naman natin ‘yong totoo.” Even Jinggoy’s conscience was like, “That’s it. I give up.”

In her sworn affidavit, Ruby Tuason, a close friend of the Estradas, revealed Jinggoy Estrada would receive a 40-percent kickback for every pork transaction. In a televised interview, Jinggoy Estrada referred to Tuason as ‘tita.’ For a moment, I thought he said, “kita.”

Following Ruby Tuason’s revelations, rumors say Jinggoy Estrada is keen on delivering another privilege speech. Cong. Boyet Gonzales’s heart skipped a beat.

According to Jinggoy, Ruby Tuason only came back to “save her neck.” Today, Tuason responded by saying, “Because unlike him, I have a neck to save. Tse!”

Raymond Fortun is the new lawyer-spokesman of mauling suspect, multimillionaire Cedric Lee. Fortun denied rumors though that he’s a better liar than Howard Calleja.

According to the 2013 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study, 1 out of 3 Filipino youth (mostly in the 20-24 age bracket) had premarital sex. The other two were ‘still looking’ and ‘getting frustrated.’
“Pigs are dirty, but I will tell you something dirtier: Liars! Untruth always smells like rotten garbage!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“Malinis ang kunsensya ko. I can look straight into your eyes Tita Ruby, you never brought any money to me.”
~JINGGOY Estrada

“The truth will set you free, as they say. So I decided to tell the truth so I don’t have to fear anyone. I don’t have to hide.”
~RUBY Tuason, close family friend and former Estrada aide

Here’s the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi, Russia: Michael Christian Martinez


Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Official Gazette, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, ABS-CBN News,, AP]


5 02 2014

SUSPECTED SMUGGLER Davidson Bangayan a.k.a. David Tan appeared before the Senate Monday. He was grilled by Senator Enrile on the issue of smuggling. As expected, he was no match for the veteran politician. Moral of the story: Don’t argue with someone who’s more knowledgable about the subject.

During Monday’s Senate hearing, tough-talking Mayor Rodrigo Duterte said he would “gladly kill” alleged rice smuggler David Bangayan alias David Tan if the latter would be caught smuggling rice in Davao. Sen. Cynthia Villar defended Duterte and said, “I always take Mayor Duterte’s word figuratively. Just like when he gets angry with criminals, he tells them he will kill them. But he never killed them.” And Duterte was like, “Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan!”

A baggage porter returned some 210,000 pesos left by an OFW in a baggage cart at NAIA Terminal 1. Despite his financial needs, baggage porter Jony Villon said he never thought of stealing someone else’s money. To which, lawmakers said, “Thanks for the advice!”

In its notices of disallowance, the Commission on Audit asked Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, Gregorio Honasan, and Bong Revilla to return millions of pesos from their pork barrel funds. It’s not theirs! Enrile and Jinggoy refused saying they’re not baggage porters.

According to a recent study conducted by research firm Euromonitor, Filipinos are the third heaviest drinkers in the world. The study found that Filipinos consume an average of 5.4 shots of any spirit per week including whiskey, vodka, tequila, brandy, rum, gin, and lambanog. The survey was conducted at the Office of the Executive Secretary.

Makati Rep. Abigail Binay won a condo unit in a Christmas raffle sponsored by the Lopezes’ Powerplant Mall and Rockwell Land. This has prompted the camp of Mar Roxas to conduct a loyalty check.

The winner of a posh condo unit in Powerplant Mall’s Christmas raffle was Makati Rep. Abigail Binay. According to Powerplant Mall, for every P2,500 receipt, a shopper was entitled to one raffle ticket. It was an easy victory for Binay. She was virtually unopposed.

Cong. Abigail Binay told GMA News, “Noong una, akala ko prank call. Akala ko hindi totoo. Out of all the people na sumali sa raffle, ako pa! Nakakagulat siya.” OO nga.

Sen. Nancy Binay defended her younger sister Abby from critics saying she won fair and square. Nancy then congratulated Abby for being “really lucky that you won.” Abby responded, “You too.”

FBHappy Birthday!
On Feb. 4, Facebook turned 10 years old. Or as some Catholic priests would say, “Too old!”

From liking pictures and commenting on posts to changing profile photos, Facebook keeps monitoring and telling everyone your every move. I therefore conclude that Facebook is female.

Have you tried viewing that personal movie created by Facebook for its users in celebration of its 10th birthday? When you click, it will show some of your life’s ‘highlights.’ This morning, Senator Enrile got really sentimental when Facebook showed some of his photos taken during the Renaissance.

In 2016, a NASA experiment will create the coldest place in the known universe. Scientists will name it ‘Noynoy’s heart.’
“The best luck always happens to people who don’t need it.”
~ Robert Penn Warren, All the King’s Men

Sound Bites
“If this guy would go to Davao and start to unload, pag nakita ko siya in the commission of a crime, I will gladly kill him. Siyempre hihintayin ko siyang lumabas. Pag lumaban ito and he puts up a good fight, I will not hesitate. I will do it for my country.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on alleged rice smuggler David Tan/Davidson Bangayan

“Ang kinakagulat ko kasi pati ba naman ang pagkakapanalo sa raffle, ginagawan ng issue? Siguro lesson ito sa family namin na kahit ano talaga, magagawan ng issue kung gusto nila gawing issue.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Powerplant Mall, House of Representatives, Twitter]


2 02 2014

IT’S BEEN MORE than a week since the mauling incident happened. Are you still following the news about Vhong Navarro, Cedric Lee and Deniece Cornejo?

Reports say Cedric Lee has connections in high places: the NBI, the PNP, the AFP, and other government units. Janet Lim-Napoles is starting to get insecure.

Mauling suspect Cedric Lee has denied allegations of extortion. The infamous businessman asks, ‘why would a rich person like him take someone else’s money?’ Helllllooo! Lawmakers.

According to Cedric Lee, there was no reason for him to extort money from Vhong Navarro because he’s rich and he’s got a number of businesses. His friends concurred. Deniece Cornejo agreed. Kim Henares smiled.

This Cedric Lee who was also accused of mauling decathlete David Bunevacz is Vina Morales’s ex-partner. Now we know why Vina had to maintain that muscular physique.

Reports say Cedric Lee graduated from De La Salle University with a Bachelor’s degree in Business Management Major in Mauling. I mean, no. La Salle doesn’t offer mauling courses. Apologies.

The camp of Vhong Navarro met last week with DILG Sec. Mar Roxas. To address Vhong’s safety concerns, the DILG chief immediately ordered additional police presence at his residence. Again, Vhong is lucky to have survived the ordeal, and even luckier that he’s not a Romualdez.

Top 10 Movie Remakes Starring Cedric Lee and Friends (With the special participation of Vhong Navarrro)

No. 10: PotoToy Story

No. 9: Set Up: Revolution

No. 8: Dragon Maul Z

No. 7: You’ve Got Jail

No. 6: Badfellas

No. 5: Kakabakaba ka Vhong?

No. 4: The Wolf of Boni High Street

No. 3: Extort Trek

No. 2: Despicable Lee

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Cedric Lee and friends:

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Vhong

According to feng shui practitioner Anthony Fugoso, President Aquino should get married to reverse his (predicted) bad luck this year. And his potential wife was like, “What about me? How do I reverse mine?”
“Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.”
~ Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight

Sound Bites
“Wala po akong pakialam kung murahin ako ng buong Pilipinas. Hindi ko kailangan ang palakpak ng buong taong bayan. ‘Di ko kailangang maniwala sila sa akin. And ‘di ako tatakbo sa politics, ‘di ko kailangan ang boto nila. ‘Di rin po ako mag-a-artista o magsho-showbiz, murahin nila ako kung gusto nila.”
~Businessman Cedric Lee, suspect in the serious illegal detention, serious physical injuries, grave threats, grave coercion, unlawful arrest, and blackmail case filed by Vhong Navarro

Have a great week ahead! Be human.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Push.ABS-CBN.Com, PCIJ]


30 01 2014

THE PHILIPPINE NATIONAL POLICE sacked two high-ranking officials of the Laguna-PNP and 10 other police officers after it was revealed that jail officials in a detention facility in Biñan subjected detainees to a roulette game called ‘Wheel of Torture.’ The multicolored roulette wheel has several torture selections. Detainees are either punched a la-Manny Pacquiao, hit with a paddle, or forced to repeatedly watch Bong Revilla’s privilege speech.

Authorities have started investigating the reported torture chamber in a detention facility in Laguna. They wanted to find out if the ‘Wheel of Torture’ was allowed by high-ranking officials; if it has been going on for a while, or if it can be used to discipline members of the Senate or the Lower House.

Bong Again
Reports say Bong Revilla will deliver another privilege speech soon. That’s not surprising though. When an actor fails in his first attempt, a “Take 2” is necessary.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver another privilege speech. Either he didn’t read the reactions to his first speech or he’s become a masochist.

The Ombudsman dismissed Bong Revilla’s plunder case against pork barrel scam whistle-blowers. He’s now thinking of a “Boy [Something]‘ to call the Ombudsman.

The Ombudsman junked the plunder case filed by Bong Revilla against PDAF scam whistle-blowers. I don’t think he could blame that this time on Mar, Noy or Benhur Luy.

President Aquino has approved the abolition of three government bodies linked to the pork barrel scam. That’s the good news. The bad news is none of them are the Senate.

US President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address Wednesday morning (Manila time). CNN said Obama had some feisty proclamations. To be more convincing and sympathetic, he brought with him his wheel-chair bound father, Don Ramon Obama.

vhongVhong vs. Cedric
The CCTV footage in connection with the Vhong Navarrro mauling case has been released. According to the NBI, the condominium’s CCTV footage disproved Deniece Cornejo’s rape allegations against the TV host. The CCTV will probably help his case against Cedric Lee and company. Observers say Vhong is still lucky to be alive and even luckier that the mauling didn’t happen at NAIA Terminal 3.

All’s well between DILG Sec. Mar Roxas and Tacloban City Mayor Alfred Romualdez. They had a chance to talk during last week’s Senate hearing. Romualdez told reporters, “We were together in Congress. We’ve always been friends.” And typhoon Yolanda was like, “So fault ko na naman? Gano’n?”

shoesShoe Thief
In Tokyo, a 28-year-old man was arrested for stealing 448 pairs of high-heeled shoes. Again, that’s 448 pairs of shoes! Or as Imelda Marcos would say, ‘’Yon lang?!?

A Japanese man was nabbed for stealing some 448 pairs of shoes. Police identified the 28-year-old suspect as Sho Sato. No wonder.

A 28-year-old Japanese man was arrested for allegedly stealing 448 pairs of high-heeled shoes. When interrogated, the suspect said he “enjoyed stealing.” To which Filipino lawmakers said, “We can relate.”
“Man is the cruelest animal.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Sound Bites
“Hindi po ako uuwi na hindi nagbibigay honor hindi lang sa pamilya ko kundi sa buong Pilipinas.”
~Deniece Cornejo via GMA News

Ano raw?

Headline of the Weak
So kailangang headline talaga ang mga ari nila?


Briefly Noted
Cedric Lee, Deniece Cornejo, and Maguindanao massacre suspect Zaldy Ampatuan have the same lawyer: Howard Calleja.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Commission on Human Rights, @nick_pants]


27 01 2014

CAN YOU correctly identify these newsmakers?

1: Ang aktor na si Bernard Palanca ang kasintahan ng babaeng ito. Sino naman ang kanyang ama?
A. Jack Enrile
B. Joseph Estrada
C. Sergio Osmeña III
D. Gabby Lopez

2: Sino ang apo ng lalaking ito?
A. Mar Roxas
B. Nancy Binay
C. Sonny Angara
D. Cynthia Villar

3: Kung ikaw ang batang lalaking ito, ano ang second name mo?
A: Ramon
B: Wilson
C: Manuel
D: Joseph

4: Sino ang lalaking ito?
A: Richard Cambe
B: Luis Singson IV
C: Cedric Lee
D: Bullet Jalosjos

5: Ano ang kanyang nickname?
A: Bam
B: Noynoy
C: Gibô
D: Josh

6: Sino ang ama ng babaeng ito?
A: Butch Abad
B: Nene Pimentel
C: Jaime Napoles
D: Frank Drilon

7: Kung ikaw ito noon, saang tanggapan ng pamahalaan ka nagsisilbi ngayon?
B: Ombudsman

8: Bago pinasok ang pulitika, saan muna siya nakilala?
A: Showbiz
B: Basketball
C: Theater
D: Broadcasting

9: Ano ang posisyon niya sa gobyerno ngayon?
A: Senador
B: Congressman
C: Cabinet Secretary
D: Governor

10: Sino ang ina ng lalaking ito?
A: Pia Cayetano
B: Grace Poe
C: Miriam Defensor-Santiago
D: Loren Legarda

11: Sino ang maysuot nito nang siya ay ma-assassinate?
A: John Lennon
B: Ninoy Aquino
C: John F. Kennedy
D: Martin Luther King Jr.

12: Sino siya? (2pts)

13: Sinong pulitiko ang anak ng lalaking ito? (3pts)

14: Kaninong high-profile politician naugnay ang dating aktres na ito? (4 pts)

Bonus Question: Ano ang tawag sa gupit o hairstyle ni Kris Aquino sa picture?
A: Siyete
B: Butch
C: Bangs
D: Shag
“If tomorrow will be the end of the world, I will spend my today by looking at the pictures of my past!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

15PPPSound Bites
“Hindi po ako rapist. Hindi ko po magagawa ‘yon. May takot po ako sa Diyos.”
~TV host/actor Vhong Navarro

Answers to Picture Quiz:
1: B. The girl is Jerika Ejercito, Erap’s daughter by former actress Laarni Enriquez.

2: A. The man in the picture is former president Manuel Roxas.
Photo: Wikimedia

3: D. That kid is Garfield Francis Joseph Escudero. Somebody told me he looked like IC Mendoza. ‘Di naman!
Photo: Heart Evangelista

4: C. Yes, that’s him. No more comment. Scary.
Photo: Philippine Daily Inquirer/Lifestyle

5: B. That’s Ateneo Grade Schooler Noynoy Aquino. Adorable boy. What happened? (“,)

6: D. The woman in the photo is Eliza Drilon-Luna.
Photo: Philippine Star

7: A. Yes, that’s Sec. Leila De Lima then.

8: B. This one’s easy. He’s former senator Robert ‘Sonny’ Jaworski.
Photo: Video48

9: A. That’s Sen. Bongbong Marcos.
Photo: Facebook Page: Bongbong Marcos for 2016

10: B. The guy is Brian Poe Llamanzares.
Photo: Philippine Star

11: C.
Photo: JFK

12: TG Guingona. “That’s Entertainment” days.
Photo: TG Guingona/Instagram

13: That’s Manny Pacquiao’s father, Rosalio.
Photo: The

14: She’s B-movie American actress Dovie Beams. Reports say she had an affair with former president Ferdinand Marcos. And oh, the sex tape.
Photo: Philippines Free Press

15: Bonus: WALA sa picture si Kris. The smallest girl in the photo is Viel. So dapat wala kang sagot.
Photo: Philippine Star

What your score means:
17-21 pts – Eh ‘di ikaw na! Perfect ka eh. Overweight nga lang. Mag-diet ka naman.
12-16 pts – Mahusay ka! Konting effort na lang lalo na sa love life.
08-11 pts – Pwede na. Ganyan naman lagi ang attitude mo eh, laging “Pwede na!” Kaya ‘di umaasenso eh.
Below 7 – Naknampoodle. Huhula na nga lang, mali pa.

- If you answered A, B, C or D in the bonus question, subtract 3 pts from your score.

- In case you missed it: When Kris Aquino took a train ride! Read=> Picture! Picture!

Have a great week! Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


23 01 2014

FILIPINOS are still talking about Sen. Bong Revilla’s privilege speech last Monday. As expected, the public is divided on the issue: 50 percent sided with pork scam whistleblowers while 50 percent hated Bong Revilla.

To Senator Revilla’s credit, dozens actually believed everything that he said. All of them were Ramon Revilla Sr.’s children.

After the speech, wheelchair-bound Ramon Revilla Sr. faced the media to defend his son, Bong. To which, Nanay Curing Villar said, “Walang originality! Hmpf!”

In his privilege speech last Monday, Bong Revilla vehemently denied the accusations being leveled against him. And he felt really strange – mainly because in the past, when his wife would accuse him of something, he’d usually admit to it and apologize.

An enraged Bong Revilla said, “I have nothing to do with this scam, those whistleblowers, nor Janet Lim-Napoles. I have no dealings or transactions with them.” When God heard this, he slapped an angel.

The actor turned senator ended his speech saying, “I am not afraid. I have already surrendered my fate to the Lord.” His wife Lani Mercado was also quoted to have said, “We lift it all to the Lord.” Sought for reaction, the Lord said, “Kung maka-namedrop naman kayo! Tse!”

Bong Revilla coined the term ‘Boy Pick-up’ to describe Mar Roxas. But the DILG chief said Thursday, “Wala akong hard feelings sa kanya.” And Korina Sanchez was like, “I can relate.”

Before ‘Boy Pick-up,’ there was ‘Boy Bawang.’

Bong Revilla has filed plunder charges against pork barrel scam whistleblowers – proving once again that veteran action stars can be great comedians.

Hammer Time
CNN reported that five thieves armed with hammers robbed a jewelry store in Memphis, Tennessee. Shoppers were shocked when they learned that at least 65 Rolex watches were stolen, and were even more shocked when President Aquino and Mar Roxas showed up at the crime scene.

Pope Francis says the Internet is a gift from God. A slow Internet connection however is a work of the devil.

gmaImelda and Gloria
Former First Lady Imelda Marcos visited former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at the Veterans Memorial Medical Center. According to Imelda, the government’s treatment of GMA “is so cruel… so unjust. It is not human.” When Manila Film Center ghosts heard this, they died (again).

According to the Ilocos Norte representative, the government is unjust and cruel to GMA. Imelda Marcos championing against injustice will be like Tito Sotto standing up against plagiarism.

According to ABS-CBN News, Robin Padilla’s wife, Mariel Rodriguez is now on her 11th day of a 16-day juice diet. The nutritionist’s advice to Mariel? Strictly no meat, no rice, and no partying at Privé.
“No guilt is forgotten so long as the conscience still knows of it.”
~ Stefan Zweig, Beware of Pity

Sound Bites
“The internet, in particular, offers immense possibilities for encounter and solidarity. This is something truly good, a gift from God.”
~Pope Francis

“That he did not do so while the impeachment court was in session makes him an accessory to the conspiracy he now complains about. That he is doing so now, after plunder charges have been filed against him, makes him sound like a gossipmonger who tries to project an air of innocence by smearing everyone else around him. No reasonable person can seriously assign any value to his speech.”
~Prof. Randy David, Kap’s Amazing Stories [Read full article here.]

O, loko!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Marcos Pa Rin FB]


20 01 2014

101 Reasons Why Filipinos Should Sympathize With and Believe in the Innocence
of Sen. Bong Revilla on the Pork Barrel Scam



“It’s exhausting, the energy it takes to unknow a truth.”
~Chuck Palahniuk, Doomed


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