OF PRIVILEGE SPEECHES, SEX VIDEOS AND HEARTBREAK

12 06 2014

IN A PRIVILEGE SPEECH last Wednesday, Jinggoy Estrada repeated, “Hindi ako magnanakaw.” Filipinos reiterated, “Hindi kami naniniwala.”

1J
Addressing his four children, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Janella, Jolo, Julian at Jill, lagi ninyong tatandaan ang mga pangaral ko sa inyo: magkaroon kayo ng takot sa Diyos.” And his children replied, “You first.”

As expected, Jinggoy Estrada accused investigating agencies and the media of being “selective.” He then identified some politicians who allegedly misused their PDAF too – officially making him the kamikaze of pork barrel scam. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Unlike his close friend Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada neither sang nor played a music video during his privilege speech. He annoyed his critics by his mere presence.

Jinggoy Estrada’s lawyer says the prosecution won’t be able to show proof that he got P183 million in pork barrel kickbacks. In other news, probers can’t also show proof that MH370 crashed. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Jinggoy’s wife Precy, his sister Jackie, and brother Jude were also present in the Senate to support him. Jinggoy expressed sadness that he and his wife wouldn’t be able to celebrate their next anniversary together. To which Jackie Ejercito-Lopez said, “Kami rin.”

Untitled#BongPanis
After getting flak from netizens for his histrionics last Monday, Bong Revilla clarified that his music video was produced not for the offended netizens but for some 20 million people who voted him into office. In his defense, Revilla wasn’t insulting the intelligence of those 20 million Filipinos. He was assuming they didn’t have any.

To be fair to Bong Revilla, after his controversial speech, he did apologize to netizens. Here’s hoping that the next apology will be directed at taxpayers.

According to Malacañang’s own research team, 99.93 percent of online comments on the privilege speech were posted by Bong haters. The rest were posted by Bong’s composer and lyricist.

Malacañang said 99.93 percent of comments from 2,751 online respondents were anti-Bong Revilla. This begs the question, “May time pa talagang magbasa at magbilang ang Malacañang?!”

Shots Fired
In an apparent swipe at Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada and probably ER Ejercito, President Aquino, in his Independence Day address, said Filipinos should vote for genuine leaders NOT actors, singers or dancers. In this day and age, how can you tell the difference?

Sex Video
Reports say Sandra Cam is threatening to release a purported sex video of Justice Sec. Leila De Lima. What is wrong with this Sandra Cam? Who gave her the idea that we wanted to see Leila De Lima in a sex video?

LEILAKris, Again
While the whole nation was talking about Bong’s and Jinggoy’s rants, Kris Aquino took to Instagram to announce that she’s heartbroken. Nice try. Ok, back to the speeches…

PBB All Out
The MTRCB has ordered reality show ‘Pinoy Big Brother All In’ to issue an apology for its controversial ‘nude painting’ episode, earlier described by Sen. Pia Cayetano as an “assault to the dignity of women” and by Sen. Nancy Binay as an “irresponsible and insensitive act.” On Wednesday night, the producers apologized but insisted that the ‘nude painting’ task was just a test of convictions, values, and ratings.

‘Pinoy Big Brother’ has apologized for its ‘nude painting’ episode. The show should also apologize for triggering its viewers’ inner jejemon.

I’ve always barred my nieces from watching PBB. There’s something about that program that makes me cringe. The ‘masa’ viewers like it though. PBB is the Bong Revilla of TV shows.
——————————————————————————————–
“No one believes a liar. Even when he’s telling the truth.”
~Sara Shepard, ‘Heartless’

Sound Bites
“Kung mayroon man akong hindi napaligaya sa aking privilege speech, tayo ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa kanila. Iyong awitin na iyon ay inihandog ko sa 20 milyong kataong sumuporta sa akin.”
~Bong Revilla to critics

“I reviewed the video of the speech on YouTube, and read the text twice to get a sense of where it was going. But I could not comprehend the speech’s basic thrust. Its tone was alternately accusatory and conciliatory. It sounded serious in some parts, struggling to rise above the shallow emotions, the clichés, and the air of righteousness that pervaded it. But in the end it drowned in its own pettiness, accompanied by the funereal strains of a maudlin farewell song.”
~Prof. Randy David, “The unbearable privilege of pettiness”

“Hindi natin kailangan ng magaling bumigkas ng script, mahusay sumayaw o kumanta. Pananagutan nating mag-iwan ng mas makatarungan at mas maunlad na Pilipinas kaysa ating dinatnan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day speech

Poll Results
Ninety years old na si Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Dapat pa rin ba siyang arestuhin at i-detain sa Camp Crame?

-Oo naman! The law is the law. 89.79%
-Huwag na lang. House arrest na lang. 6.54%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 3.66%

Happy Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @PhilStarNews, Rappler, Kris Aquino's IG]





THE SINGING B (ANAK NG TETENG II)

9 06 2014

Untitled2
BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

1JB
According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Untitled
Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Krissy
Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

11Anti-Corrupt
A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
————————————————————————————
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews' Tricia De Leon]





LEAKED: THE PRIVILEGE SPEECH 2

7 06 2014

ON MONDAY, Bong Revilla is scheduled to deliver yet another privilege speech. Last night, alleged portions of the speech were leaked online. Here are some excerpts from the original draft.

00
12: “Unang-una, gusto kong magpahayag ng suporta sa One Direction at sa kanilang mga fans. Sa One Directioners, tulungan n’yong mag-trend ang speech ko ngayong hapon. Please lang.”

11: “Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin kay Ms Rosa Rosal dahil ang tema ng aking talumpati ay hango sa pamagat ng kanyang programa – Damayan. Makukulong din lang ako, eh ‘di damay-damay na.”

10: “Sana’y nanonood ngayong hapon sina Budget Sec. Butch Abad at Agriculture Sec. Proceso Alcala. Kayo ang bida rito.”

9: “Mas pinili kong magsalita kaysa manahimik ngayong hapon dahil malamang sa hindi, ito na ang aking huling privilege speech. Mami-miss ko ‘to, promise.”

8: “Nang magtalumpati ako noong Enero, nabanggit ko ang linyang, ‘Anak ng teteng!’ Ang tanong sa akin ng ilang taong nakasalubong ko, ‘Ano ba ang etymology ng word na ‘teteng?’ Ang sagot ko sa kanila, ‘Ano ba ang etymology?’ Boom peyns!”

23
7: “Hindi ako natatakot makulong dahil entitled naman ako sa conjugal visits. Si Ricardo Camata nga, convicted na pero nadalaw pa rin ng starlets at dancers; ako pa kaya?!”

6: “Noong Holy Week, nagtungo po ako sa Holy Land. Humingi ako ng sign kay God. Sabi ko, “Lord, kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako pababayaan. Hindi mo ako hahayaang makulong. Give me a sign Lord! Minutes later, nakasalubong ko do’n si Hayden Kho at nagkabati kami. ‘Yon yata ang sign. Ang pangit.”

5: “Inuulit ko: hindi ako masamang tao, hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mandarambong, at hindi ako sure kung maniniwala kayo! I don’t care.”

4: “Wala pong katotohanan ang sinulat ng isang tabloid columnist na papalitan ang pamagat ng aking programa sa telebisyon at tatawaging ‘Handcuffs Amazing Stories.’ Paninira lang po ‘yan.”

3: “Naniniwala po akong habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Kung natalo ka sa umpisa, may pagkakataon ka pang bumawi. So ito lang ang masasabi ko: Go LeBron! Go Heat!”

janet 1
2: “Masyado na pong namemersonal ang aking mga kalaban. Kung ‘yong asawa ko nga raw, nagawa kong lokohin, eh ‘yon pa kayang taumbayan na ‘di ko kaanu-ano? May point. Actually. Pero ayaw ko na silang patulan.”

1: “Sa nauna kong privilege speech… nabanggit kong I have been demonized in the media. Nakakalungkot po; nakakalungkot po dahil pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng talumpati kong ‘yon ay nag-text po ang demonyo sa akin. Ang sabi: huwag ko raw ikumpara ang sarili ko sa kanya. ‘T*ng-ina! Ang hard.”
————————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

00Sound Bites
“Arresting and detaining the three senators make up only the formal start of the quest to exact justice and accountability for the plunder of taxpayer money. The pork barrel scam was a P10-billion operation that involved hundreds, perhaps thousands, of individuals.”
~’Triple Whammy’ – Editorial, Philippine Daily Inquirer, 06/07/2014

Poll Results
Offensive ba ang Hong Kong textbook na naglarawan sa mga Filipino bilang domestic helper?

-Hindi, pero ramdam mong may malisya. Alam mo na! Hong Kong ‘yan. 50.31%
-Yes. 36.65%
-No. 13.04%

Let the Filipino taxpayers’ quest for justice begin! Justice for all!
Next batch please!

[Photos: Newsflash.Org, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





ONE DIRECTION, DRUG LORDS, GAME OF THRONES, AND OTHER STORIES

5 06 2014

DO YOU FOLLOW HBO’s Game of Thrones? It’s the best show on TV right now – insane, engaging, shocking, sometimes infuriating, intense, intriguing, controversial, and complicated. In short, Kris Aquino.

pp33098-game-of-thrones-poster
President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address is coming soon. It will be his first SONA since the pork barrel scam was exposed. I can’t wait to see all the senators, congressmen, their staff, and other high-profile personalities in one venue. Can we ask George R.R. Martin to write and direct this year’s SONA?

One of the most adorable GoT characters is Arya – the Stark girl who repeatedly recites the names of her enemies: “Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne, The Hound, Polliver, The Mountain, Pogi, Tanda, Sexy, Joffrey, Cersei… “

Special Treatment
Intelligence reports say convicted drug lord Ricardo “Chacha” Camata was allowed to leave the New Bilibid Prison last May 28 to have a check up at a hospital in Manila sans DOJ approval. Hospital CCTV showed however that Camata looked fine, and even spent two nights with “a starlet and television dancers.” The report didn’t say though who went home the ha₱₱iest that day: the starlet, the dancers or the prison superintendent.

New Bilibid Prison superintendent Fajardo Lansangan and 12 custodial guards were relieved of their duties following reports that high-profile convicts were being given special treatment. Even ex-convict Antonio Leviste was like, “Paulit-ulit?! Naka-loop?”

Dismissed New Bilibid Prison superintendent Fajardo Lansangan is being replaced by Superintendent Robert Rabo – who was himself dismissed in 2011 after convicted killer Antonio Leviste was able to sneak out of prison and visit his dentist without a DOJ permit. Rabo will occupy the post effective June 4 until another prison scandal reaches the media.

Napoles’s Jewels
Another former staff of suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles surfaced and showed GMANews photos of Napoles’s collection of expensive jewelry. But one of Napoles’s lawyers, Stephen David denied the report, saying the pictures were made public to destroy the credibility of Napoles. Again, is there anything left to destroy?

1camOn Cam
In a sworn affidavit submitted to the Commission on Appointments, Sandra Cam alleged that Justice Sec. Leila De Lima had an illicit affair with Cezar Mancao II, and with her married driver, Ronnie Dayan. “If it’s true,” netizens complain, “Where is justice in that? We don’t even have one. Unfair!”

Sandra Cam revealed that Justice Sec. Leila De Lima had two illicit affairs. In case you’re wondering who Sandra Cam is, she’s the president of the Whistleblowers Association of the Philippines, and head researcher of ‘The Buzz.’

No to Pets
Pope Francis told married couples to have children instead of pets. The Pope said children are better than dogs or cats. In response, Freddie Aguilar said, “Hindi rin.”.

Foul
The Binays tend to believe that a smear campaign against the family has begun. The “black propaganda” is allegedly contained in a “white paper.” Awkward.

Abad and Aquino
Reports say President Aquino won’t fire Budget Secretary Butch Abad despite being linked by Janet Napoles to the pork barrel scam. Before he lets go of someone who’s being accused of wrongdoing, the President said, “I need to see the evidence.” To which, Al Vitangcol said, “Yeah right.”

1dCBCP vs. 1D
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines appealed to parents not to let their children watch the concert of British boy group One Direction because they’re “not good role models.” Fr. Conegundo Garganta says concert producers should not promote “young people who are stoned.” One Direction replied, “Excuse me, we’re not young!”

Apparently, the CBCP is not into those boys. They’re too old for them.

Anti-drugs advocate Laban ng Pamilyang Pilipino wants British boy group One Direction to undergo a drug test before they are allowed to hold a concert in the Philippines. And One Direction was like, “You first.”

Positive
At least 12 cops in Western Visayas have been tested positive for drugs. Seven of the 12 cops were PO1; two were PO2, and two were PO3. All 12 were die-hard fans of One Direction.

Let’s go Lakers!
It’s the NBA Finals once again. It will be a rematch between the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat. When asked whom they would cheer for, my friends were divided: 50 percent picked the Spurs and 50 percent hated the Heat.

Finally… Some good news:
President Aquino has ordered an increase in the funeral benefits of both public and private employees under the Employees’ Compensation Program. You may avail yourself of this increased benefit starting today! Try it.
—————————————————————————————-
“Whether you sniff it, smoke it, eat it, or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.”
~William S. Burroughs

Sound Bites
“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I wille exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

The rainy season is coming. Be prepared.

[Photos: Game of Thrones; GMA News, The Daily Mail-UK]





OF TERMITES, COCKROACHES, AND HYPOCRITES

1 06 2014

1
MY FELLOW Batangueño, Ralph Recto, who has never spoken a single word against the pork barrel scam since it was exposed last year, is in the news now. After he was mentioned in the Benhur Luy files, an angry Recto broke his silence on the PDAF scam saying, all whistleblowers should be jailed. “They should PAY for what they did,” an angry Recto said, “plus 12 percent.”

Ralph Recto has never spoken about the pork barrel scam since it was exposed last year. When he finally did last week, he trained his guns on PDAF scam whistleblowers like Benhur Luy and Merlina Suñas. He said, “Lahat ng whistleblower na may kinalaman d’yan dapat makulong!” And Janet Napoles was like, “Thanks for the support!”

Veep Veep
Vice President Jejomar Binay reveals he has yet to choose his bet for VP in 2016. Everyone, he says, has a chance. In fact, despite a plunder case against Jinggoy Estrada, the senator can still be his running inmate.

Napoles
According to the Philippine National Police, termites and cockroaches have invaded Janet Lim-Napoles’s bungalow-type detention facility in Fort Sto. Domingo. But the PNP did not get rid of the insects since the detention facility was purposely constructed for living things like them. You know. Pests.

1Just Married
Vice President Binay was one of the principal sponsors in the wedding of Atty. Levito Baligod, the former lawyer of PDAF scam whistleblowers Benhur Luy and Merlina Suñas. Congratulations… Jinggoy, Bong, and Enrile!

Abad Year
After quitting the Arroyo cabinet in 2005, Sec. Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad paid an income tax of only P8,150 in the next three years, saying he was then jobless and was only doing freelance consultancy. Records showed Abad paid P6,400 in 2006; P1,500 in 2007 and P250 in 2008. In 2009, he was tax-exempt. Maybe Abad can mentor us on how to survive with that measly income.

Exactly a year before joining the Aquino administration, Butch Abad reported an income of P16,000 for 2009. That’s 16,000 pesos for one year! When a group of kasambahay heard this, they died. Twice.

Income Tax
At least three bills seeking to lower the income tax rate have been filed in Congress. You know what that means? Butch Abad need not pay anything.

Three solons are proposing an income tax rate reduction. How about a nakaw rate reduction?

1No Smoking
World No Tobacco Day is observed every May 31. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health conducted public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

According to the Department of Health, around 240 Filipinos die every day due to tobacco-related illnesses. Those who survive either go bald or remain single at 54. [You’ve been warned.]

May 31 is World No Tobacco Day – or as President Aquino would say, “Whatever!”

ER
After Erap’s visit in the Laguna capitol, his nephew ER Ejercito stepped down as governor. When will Erap pay a visit to Jinggoy in the Senate?

Cash-Strapped
According to a recent SWS study, 9 in 10 Filipinos experienced financial shortage in the last 12 months. The other one was a lawmaker.

1Maligned?
Former TESDA director general Augusto Syjuco Jr. who is facing six graft charges before the Sandiganbayan, filed a libel case against President Aquino for virtually calling him a “thief” in his State of the Nation Address last year. Syjuco said the President’s “personal attacks” tarnished his reputation. We tried to get the side of Syjuco’s “reputation,” but it was nowhere to be found.

Cat Killer
Abandoned by his wife, a 29-year-old man from Antipolo City went berserk and killed 11 cats. He was charged with 99 counts of animal murder.
——————————————————————————————————–
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“That Napoles thinks the disinformation she is purveying qualifies her to be a state’s witness is an insult and an outrage. She has the gall to describe herself as a victim of the same political culture she is accused of profiting billions of pesos from; in truth, her affidavit is best described, as many have already described it, not as a tell-all but a blame-all. It would be sheer folly to take her at her word.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer, Editorial

Poll Results
Dapat bang bumaba na puwesto si Laguna Governor ER Ejercito?

– YES. Dapat siyang sumunod sa utos ng Comelec. 66.96%
– Wala akong pakialam. 22.77%
– NO. Hintayin ang pinal na desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 10.27%

We have a new poll. The other day, this image of a Hong Kong textbook page went viral. Do you find this insulting or offensive?

1

Have a great month of June!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, GMA News]





DEFIANCE

28 05 2014

ER
FOR OVERSPENDING last elections, Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered unseated by the Commission on Elections. Loyal supporters of Ejercito have barricaded themselves outside the Laguna provincial capitol to express their undying love for the actor-politician. It pays to overspend.

On Tuesday, a defiant ER Ejercito faced his supporters and delivered an impromptu speech. It was so emotional and impassioned, Ejercito expected no less than a best actor trophy from the PMPC.

Here’s a portion of ER Ejercito’s speech yesterday
(And what he wanted to say but couldn’t)

“Binaboy at binastos ng Comelec at Malacañang ang 550,000 votes.”
(Hindi ako papayag na masayang ang 23.5 million pesos na nagastos ko. Hello!)

“Pilit po akong inaalis ng Malakanyang sa pwesto dahil hindi ako bahagi ng Liberal Party.”
(Actually, ang vice governor na papalit sa akin ay miyembro ng Nacionalista Party. Pero ‘di ko pwedeng sabihin ‘yon dahil mababawasan ang impact ng aking speech.)

“Hindi na nirerespeto ng Malakanyang ang rule of law.”
(Parang ako lang.)

“Ako ay mananatiling lehitimong gobernador ng Laguna ngayon at magpakailanman.”
(Sa dami ng nagkalat kong mukha sa buong probinsya, kahit wala na ako sa mundo, nasa Laguna pa rin ako. Tse!)

1New Gov?
Just a day after the Comelec released its ruling, Laguna Vice Governor Ramil Hernandez of the Nacionalista Party took his oath as new governor replacing ER Ejercito. Hernandez and Ejercito: The Fast and the Furious.

Mastermind
Janet Lim-Napoles has submitted an expanded list to the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee. In her 32-page affidavit, Napoles decried being labeled as the “architect of the PDAF scam” saying, she didn’t even finish high school so how could she have studied architecture?

1list

CBCP president and Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Socrates Villegas appealed to Filipino Catholics to pray an “extra rosary” from May 31 to August 15 for the “conversion of the culprits in the pork barrel scam.” Even God was like, “Good luck with that!”

Holy Visit
Pope Francis recently visited the Holy Land. When he arrived there, members of the international media asked, “Do you have a plunder case too?”

Privileged
Reports say Bong Revilla will be allowed the opportunity to deliver yet another privilege speech. Thinking Filipinos will have the opportunity to ignore yet another hour of blah blah.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver yet another privilege speech. Filipinos with low tolerance for bullshit are advised not to watch or listen.

Unfair
Jinggoy Estrada lashed out at the media for being “unfair” in reporting about the pork barrel scam. He said the media tend to focus only on three senators. The actor-turned politician added, “We also have an honor and a name to protect.” Where?

Quiet
Panfilo Lacson has not spoken to the press about the pork barrel scam for a couple of days now. I hope he’s ok.

1Fired!
The DOTC has fired controversial MRT Line 3 general manager Al Vitangcol III. The news wasn’t surprising at all. His term as MRT 3 head was a trainwreck.

In a Congressional inquiry, MRT general manager Al Vitangcol revealed that last May 26, he was fired when he told his bosses that he’s about to resign. That’s how badly they wanted him out.

Attacked
A large crocodile attacked and killed a 30-year-old fisherman in Palawan last Thursday. The fisherman was reportedly on his way to work when he was attacked by the reptile. Authorities are conducting a probe even as local residents started hunting the crocodile. Lawmakers appealed to the public not to judge their colleague pending full investigation.

Untitled
The Richest
The SALNs of senators are out. With a net worth of P1.6 billion, the richest senator is still Cynthia Villar. With a net worth of only P4.9 million, the poorest senator is still a multimillionaire.

To Catch A Thief
Policemen will reportedly ride the jeep in civilian clothes as part of the PNP’s campaign to catch robbers and thieves. Why ride the jeep? Why not just go directly to the Senate?

Naturalized
NBA center-forward Andray Blatche is now a naturalized Filipino. The Senate approved a bill seeking to grant Filipino citizenship to the Brooklyn Nets player so he could play for Gilas Pilipinas in the FIBA World Cup. This begs the question: when will they naturalize David Pomeranz?
———————————————————————————————
“Government creates wealth the way ticks create blood.”
~Grover Norquist

Sound Bites
“Bata pa lamang ako ay natuto na akong maghanap-buhay. Sa biyaya ng Diyos, sa aking tiyaga, sipag at pawis, at sa tulong ng mga taong nakilala ko, ito ay aking napalago hanggang sa aking narating ngayon.”
~Janet Lim-Napoles (Affidavit)

“Bukas tayo sa posibilidad na ang ginagawa lang niya (Napoles) ay guluhin ang istorya. Habang dumadami nang dumadami ang iimbestigahan natin, siguro kakaimbestiga time’s up na tayo. Hindi na naisampa yung kaso. Baka iyon ang strategy.”
~President Aquino

“My God! Kung alam ko lang na ‘yong computer eh Napoles, hindi ko na tinanggap ‘yon. Kaliit-liit naman no’n.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar after being mentioned in the Napoles affidavit

The Sun

p

Poll Results
Sabi ni JV Ejercito, ang pagpapatalsik kay ER Ejercito ay bahagi ng ‘concerted efforts’ ng administrasyon upang ibagsak ang oposisyon.

-Boom peyns ka JV! Ang batas ay batas. Magpaliwanag na lang si ER sa korte. 56.29%
-Wala akong pakialam kay ER. Busy ako sa buhay ko. 37.42%
-Tama si JV. Namumulitika ang administrasyon. ‘Nak ng teteng! 6%

Jail them all!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, @Angel_Atienza via ANC, Karen Davila, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





EXCLUSIVE! THE QUEEN’S VAGINA BREAKS ITS SILENCE

24 05 2014

ONLINE REPORTS have quoted the private doctor of Janet Lim-Napoles as saying sexual contact may have caused the vaginal bleeding of the alleged pork barrel scam queen. But her lawyer denied it, saying she didn’t have sex while confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The doctor then claimed he was possibly misquoted. So what’s the truth?

In the interest of accurate, fair, and balanced reporting, we sought Napoles’s vagina for comment and luckily, the request for an interview was granted. To make the vagina more comfortable, we asked Krissy to do the exclusive! Enjoy!

Ladies and gentlemen… the one… the only… the one and the only KRISSY!

LEILA
HELLLOOOOO! I’m baaaaack! ‘Kita n’yo naman. Kahit busy ako sa taping, commercial shoot, live TV shows, at sa imaginary love life ko, pinagbigyan ko pa rin kayo. Say ‘thank you Krissy!’ Come on. Say thank you to me naaaa. Ayaw n’yo? Fine. Ako na nga lang ang magti-thank you… ‘Thank you Krissy for being so masipag. You’re the best talaga.’ There. I said it. Gosh. Para na naman akong luka-luka. Nagsasalita akong mag-isa Aha-ha-ha Anyway, diretso na tayo sa interview dahil kailangan kong umalis nang maaga. Teka, asan na ba

Hi Krissy! Mwah!

Ay!!! Nakakaloka ka. Nand’yan ka na pala. Grabehh, namumula ka. It’s so hot kasi, right? Mga Kapamilya… kasama ko po ngayon – first and exclusive – dito lang siya magsasalita – hindi kay Jessica, hindi kay Korina, at lalong hindi kay Anthony Taberna… ang kontrobersyal na sex organ ng equally controversial niyang amo si Ms Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. Hi there!

Hello Krissy! Mwah!

Wait! Bakit ka ba mwah nang mwah? Ang sagwa huh. Hindi ko feel ang expression mo when you say mwah. Promise. How old ka na ba?

Singkwenta na Krissy.

In fairness huh… hindi halata. Mukha ka lang 62 aha-ha-ha! Ano nga palang status mo? Fresh, Rotten, o Sakto Lang?

Virgin.

You wish! Aha-ha-ha Ilusyunada ka rin huh! By the way, I like your hair!

I like yours too. Ahihihi. Mas maigsi nga lang ‘yong sa ‘yo.

True! Pero mas love ko ang color ng hair mo kahit may split ends. ‘Di masyadong light, ‘di rin masyadong dark. Sinong gumupit sa ‘yo?

Si Ma’am Jenny lang.

Kaya pala! Tell her konting trim pa Aha-ha-ha Sandali, I’ll take a photo of you, ipapakita ko kay Boy.

Naku! ‘Wag na Krissy. Pangit ako ngayon. Marami akong selfie sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Bibigyan na lang kita next time.

Arte! So anong feeling na nasa news ka ngayon? Bongga ka huh! Tinalbugan mo ang World Economic Forum at ang Martial Law sa Thailand! Ikaw talaga ang top story! Kaloka.

Nagtataka nga ako Krissy kung bakit banner story ako sa mga news sites at evening news program. Talk about priorities!

V
Alam mo, you speak better English than your Ma’am Jenny. I like you naaaa! Smart vajayjay ka.

Thank you Krissy. ‘Yon bang sa ‘yo magaling na?

Excuuuuse me! I’m clean ‘no! If you’re referring to that Joey Marquez thingy, come on! 2014 na… nag-move on na ang lahat! I’m ok now. I feel fresh! Sandali, bakit ba napunta sa akin ang usapan? Ikaw ang isyu ngayon! So, ano? Dinudugo ka ba talaga?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Helllloooo! Mismong private doctor mo na ang nagsabing bleeding ka raw. You mean he’s lying?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Kainis ka! Manang-mana ka sa amo mo. Ito na lang: totoo bang nakipag-sex ang iyong Ma’am Jenny kaya ka dinudugo?

Ano ako… virgin?!? Wala nang uterus, wala nang ovaries… tapos intact ang hymen? Hiyang-hiya naman sa akin si Mama Mary!

So, ano nga? Naging intimate ba these past few days ang Ma’am Jenny at Sir Jaime mo?

MOMOL lang.

Winner! Updated ka huh! Pati MOMOL alam mo. Titigan mo na lang ang picture na ito ng iyong amo. Hindi ko siya kinaya! Kahit naka-confine at sari-saring sakit ang idinadaing, may time pang magpa-manicure.

napoles

Nitong mga nakaraang araw ba napansin mo sa iyong paligid ang kanyang French tip?

Hindi ko matandaan. Baka tulog ako.

Natutulog talaga ang puk*?!!? NILOLOKO mo naman ako eh. I hate you naaa.

Ewan ko ho. ‘Tsaka masyado nang private ‘yan. Kailangan ba talagang itanong?

As a matter of fact, yes. Alam mo naman, desperate times call for desperate measures. Who knows, baka sinadya ang pagdurugo mo para manatili ang Ma’am Jenny mo sa ospital. Sabi nga ni Sen. Sonny Angara, kailangang i-prove ang claim. So ano? Ginagamit ka lang ba ng iyong amo para ‘di siya pabalikin sa Fort Sto. Domingo? Umamin ka!

GINAGAMIT?!? I wish!!! Paninira lang ‘yan.

Kung papipiliin ka, saan mo gustong mag-stay: Ospital ng Makati o Fort Sto. Domingo?

Siyempre sa OsMak! Ang init kaya sa Laguna! Lagi akong natutuyuan ng butil-butil na pawis do’n.

Yuccccck! Gross.

Sobra ka namang maka-yuck Krissy! Perfect ka?! At least si Ma’am Jenny, isa lang ang naging asawa. Hindi tulad ng iba d’yan, papalit-palit ng lalaki kaya until now, single pa rin at trying hard magka-boyfriend.

LEILA
Helllooooooo! At bakit pati love life ko pinapakialaman mo?

Wala akong binanggit na pangalan. Hashtag defensive.

I’m not defensive ‘no! Pero wala kang right magparinig sa akin. Kapatid ba kita?! Ballsy ba ang name mo o kaya Pinky? ‘Wag na si Viel, walang masasabi ‘yon. At least naging masaya ako sa piling ng mga nakarelasyon ko.

Yeah right.

Inggit ka lang kasi matatangkad sila at popular pa. Eh ‘yong amo mong lalaki?

Whatever.

Pork barrel queen ‘yang Ma’am Jenny mo!

Wala akong pakialam!

Hindi siya bibigyan ng immunity ng kapatid ko!

Hindi ako affected.

Pwes, makukulong siya for life! Sa Correctional! Walang aircon! Walang ventilation! Walang tubig! Pagpapawisan ka! Mangangamoy ka!

Ba’t ba tayo nag-aaway friend? ‘Di ba dapat love, love, love?

Boom panes! Aha-ha-ha! Eh ‘di sumuko ka rin. Ako na talaga! Huling tanong: kung bibigyan ka ng chance na lumipat sa ibang katawan, kaninong katawan ka lilipat: kay Dr. Elenita Binay o kay Korina Sanchez?

Walang third option?

Ayaw mo sa dalawa? Girl, malapit na ang 2016. Malay mo, maging First Vagina ka.

No, thanks. Eh ‘di ba may graft case din ‘yong isa sa kanila? Kapag minalas, kulungan pa rin ang bagsak ko.

Eh ‘di kay Korina ka na nga lang!

Ayaw ko rin. Afraid ako sa asawa niya ‘no! Eh kung mura-murahin ako no’n tapos magsisigaw: “Tang-i*a! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rule ang mag-asawa? Tang-i*a! Walang period, period sa akin!” Hard.

Eh kung sa akin ka na lang kaya lumipat?

Eeew.

Kapal mo huh! Masyado kang choosy ‘di ka naman pretty! Tse! Mag-message ka na nga lang sa Filipino people.

Ayoko nang maglitanya dahil pagod na rin ako. Haters gonna hate. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: In a major, major way, I labia all! Mwah.
———————————————————————————
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Our patient is human; she has her urges.”
~ Dr. Efren Domingo, JLN’s personal doctor

Yamaaan!
On a scale of Antonio Trillanes to Cynthia Villar, how filthy rich are you?
Untitled

Have a good weekend and a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino & Abunda Tonight, GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





RATED SPG: VAGINA, GODZILLA AND OTHER STORIES

21 05 2014

V
JANET LIM-NAPOLES’S personal doctors say she is suffering from vaginal bleeding. In the interest of fairness, we will get the side of the vagina.

According to her doctors, Janet Lim-Napoles is bleeding. Even her own blood couldn’t stand her anymore.

V
Reacting to Janet Lim-Napoles’s doctors’ claim that she’s suffering from vaginal bleeding, Sen. Sonny Angara said, “Well sa akin, ‘yong internal bleeding, mahirap idahilan ‘yon; kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” To which, Napoles replied, “With pleasure!”

Janet Napoles is allegedly suffering from vaginal bleeding. But Sen. Sonny Angara believes, “Kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” And former Senator Edgardo Angara was like, “Anak nga kita!”

Lies
Janet Lim-Napoles who repeatedly denied any involvement in the pork barrel scam is willing to undergo a lie detector test. In other news, Mila Kunis who’s due to give birth next month is willing to undergo a pregnancy test.

Pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is willing to undergo a lie detector test – on one condition. She wants multiple choice questions.

Janet Lim-Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera says not a single media personality received gifts of any form from Janet Lim-Napoles. Also, the Holocaust didn’t happen.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer, not a single media personality received gifts of any form from his client. Even Lolit Solis was like, “Echosera!”

1K
Detention Cell
The Philippine National Police is renovating a detention facility in Camp Crame for Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, and Bong Revilla in case the Sandiganbayan orders their arrest. The prospect of being imprisoned yet again doesn’t bother Enrile. He’s been through tougher times – like being a prisoner of love.

On Tuesday, Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “Basta ang masasabi ko lang, handa na ako because God is with me.” To which, God responded, “#AsaMuch!”

Accused of plunder, actor Bong Revilla said, “Handa na ako because God is with me.” When God heard this, He slapped two angels. #boompeyns

Power
Reports say the country’s power situation will worsen in three years. Or as Jojo Binay calls it, “my administration.”

The power situation is expected to worsen in three years. Vice (future) President Binay is bracing himself for complaints, protests, and blackout-related jokes.

V
ER
The Comelec en banc voted 7-0 to unseat Laguna Governor ER Ejercito for overspending in the last elections. Ejercito will issue an official statement via billboards, tarpaulins and TV commercials.

Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered to step down for overspending in the last elections. The Comelec said he spent P24.5M during the campaign – way above the P4.5M limit. The decision reportedly shocked Ejercito. Looking at his face though, it was hard to tell.

Reptiles
Godzilla is still showing in the Philippines. The hit franchise tells the story of a giant lizard that wreaks havoc on communities claiming lives and destroying properties. Godzilla is probably the most destructive reptile in history. In close second? The reptiles of Senate and Congress.
——————————————————————————-
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Ok lang, maski sino ang maging cellmate ko. Pwede namang Abu Sayyaf.”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

Poll Results
Lumabas na ang diumano’y listahan ni Napoles. Maraming bersyon. Aling listahan ang pinapaniwalaan mo?

-Wala. Pakamatay na lang silang lahat. 70.64%
-‘Yong Benhur files na lumabas sa Inquirer. 20.49%
-‘Yong kay De Lima na pirmado ni Napoles. 7.95%
-‘Yong kay Lacson na bigay ng asawa ni Napoles. 0.92%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Remate, Warner Bros.]





WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

18 05 2014

HERE’S WHY according to prominent Filipinos:


President Aquino: Inabutan lang ho namin ang problemang ‘yan. Kung inyo hong matatandaan, wala pa kami sa puwesto nang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. ‘Yong dating administrasyon ang dapat sumagot n’yan.

Janet Lim-Napoles: Malay ko. Hindi ko po alam.

Juan Ponce Enrile: I will answer that in the proper forum.

Sec. Sonny Coloma: Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit basta na lang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. Pwede namang i-try ang other means of public transport like buses. Hindi naman siguro siksikan do’n.

Bong Revilla: Kaya nga hinahamon ko ang gobyernong ito eh. Ikulong n’yo ang manok na ‘yan. Ngayon na! Pagod na pagod na ‘yan sa katatawid sa kalsada.

Jinggoy Estrada: Political harassment ang ginawa sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Pati mga sisiw idinamay! Leave the chicks alone!

JV Ejercito: Ayoko nang patulan ang chicken. Lagi namang galit sa akin ‘yan eh. Sanay na ako.

Benhur Luy: May nag-utos po kasi sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Minsan papuntang Senate, minsan papuntang government offices.

Mar Roxas: ‘T@ng-in@! Kailan pa naging isyu ‘yang pagtawid na ‘yan? No comment! You must remember, I am a Roxas and that’s only a chicken.

Cristina Enrile: The chicken has an affair with the rooster on the other side. You know, these hens would always offer themselves to the rooster.

Gigi Reyes: So fault lang ng chicken? Dahil lalaki ang rooster, wala siyang kasalanan?

Vice President Binay: Ako ay bumabati at nagpupugay sa chicken sa kanyang matagumpay na pagtawid sa kalsada. Mabuhay ka!

Manny Pacquiao: ‘Pag pray na lang natin ang manok.

Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio : Isa lang ang natitiyak ko. Babalik din ang chicken na ‘yan. Kapag ‘di ‘yan bumalik, ipapaputol ko ang isa kong itlog.

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Apparently, the chicken only wants attention. I have reason to believe that it’s a member of closet gay and bisexual fowls.

Panfilo Lacson: For the nth time, the chicken is not gay and it does not intend to be one.

Franklin Drilon: Inuulit ko, wala akong transaksyon sa manok na ‘yan. Ni isang itlog ay wala akong tinanggap kaya wala akong masasabi sa ginawa nitong pagtawid.

Anne Curtis: Why was the chicken outside the coop? Who let it out? It’s not even classy enough to cross that street.

Claudine Barretto: Nagpa-Botox.

Tourism Sec. Mon Jimenez: It’s more fun on the other side.

Venus Raj: Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Philippines! You know what sir, in the chicken’s 2 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major major, I mean problem that it has done in its life because it is very confident with its family and the love they are giving the chicken. So thank you so much that it successfully crossed the street. Thank you so so much!

Vice Ganda: Itinanong mo na ‘yan last year! Paulit-ulit?! Unli?!?

Viel Aquino-Dee:

Kris Aquino: On behalf of the chicken, humihingi po ako ng privacy. Ito na po ang huling pagkakataon na magsasalita ako tungkol sa pagtawid na ito. I promise not to talk about this again sa online posts ko man o sa interviews.

broad
ACCORDING to the files of Benhur Luy, several prominent media practitioners received cash gifts through conduits from Janet Lim-Napoles. Aside from Korina Sanchez, Mike Enriquez and Rey Pacheco, also mentioned was radio broadcaster Deo Macalma. Talk about “espesyal na balita.”

Janet Lim-Napoles, through her lawyer Bruce Rivera, apologized to JV Ejercito for including his name on the ‘Napoles list.’ When will she apologize to the Filipino people for stealing their money?

Fired
When CNN discovered that news reporter and editor Marie-Louise Gumuchian committed plagiarism, the network decided to fire her. Tito Sotto called the decision “harsh.”

DUI
The Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013 will take effect on June 1. In totally unrelated news, Anne Curtis vows not to go to parties again.
—————————————————————-
“Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean.”
~Dr. Meredith Grey, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’

Sound Bites
“I am astounded to learn that I was supposed to have received a birthday gift from her one time 10 years ago in 2004. This never happened. I did not receive any such gift, in cash or kind, from Ms Napoles or her company nor through emissaries then and up to now.”
~Korina Sanchez

“I vehemently and in the strongest of terms deny knowing Janet Napoles at all and just as strongly deny receiving any gift in whatever form from her.”
~Mike Enriquez

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABS-CBN, GMA News, Manila Broadcasting Corp.]





LIST UY!

16 05 2014

napoles
1: Bargaining
2: Acceptance
3: Denial
4: Anger
5: Depression
These are the five stages of a lawmaker’s transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles

1: Bargaining
“Forty percent lang ba ang makukuha ko? Lugi naman yata ako d’yan!”

“Sige na nga… singkwenta na rin. Basta ‘wag n’yo lang sasabihin kay Senator *****! Forty-five lang ‘yong huling bigay ko sa kanya eh.”

2: Acceptance
“Jenny, nakuha ko na ‘yong 23M. Timbrehan kita kung kailan ang sunod na release. Sanga pala, sino ‘yong nag-cater sa ‘yo kagabi sa Heritage? Sarap ng lechon huh.”

3: Denial
“Hindi ko kilala si Janet Lim-Napoles. Ni singkong duling ay wala akong ibinigay sa NGOs niya. Kung meron man ay tiyak na pineke ang pirma ko; pineke ang mga dokumento! ”

4: Anger
“This is political harassment! Pinupulitika ako! Sobra-sobrang pang-aapi na ang ginagawa sa akin at sa aking pamilya. Mga walang puso!”

5: Depression
“Paano ‘pag nakulong ako?”

“Paano na ang plano ko sa 2016?”

“’Pakamatay na lang kaya ako?”

kris2
AT LEAST FOUR versions of the Napoles list have been made public. When sought for reaction, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

The controversial Napoles list (four versions of it) has been made public. Do you know what that means? Ping Lacson can go back now to doing his job.

At least four versions of the Napoles list have been released to the public. The lists are confusing. Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are high-five-ing.

Several versions of the so-called Napoles list have been made public. Benhur Luy’s files appeared to be the most comprehensive. Even the Black Nazarene was on the list.

A furious Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago attacked Panfilo Lacson for saying she was on the Napoles list. Getting personal, Santiago said Lacson was on the list of “closeted gays or bisexuals in public service.” To which Lacson, replied, “Excuse me, I’m not gay.”

Former senator Robert Barbers was also on the list. He’s still mum on the issue though. Deadma.

Kris
According to the Benhur Luy’s files, Jinggoy Estrada’s transactions with Napoles amounted to 1.6 billion pesos. The same list says then San Juan representative JV Ejercito also transacted with Napoles. The amount transacted was 5 million pesos. Jinggoy couldn’t stop laughing.

Former Pampanga representative and incumbent Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut has been consistently mentioned in pork scam-related documents, lists and testimonies. She allegedly pocketed millions in pesos in kickbacks from PDAF funds, and even acted as agent for Napoles. There’s a reason why there’s a ‘cut’ in Ducut.

Northern Samar Representative Emil Ong said congressmen should not be blamed if their pork barrel funds were misused. Lawmakers like Ong is one of the reasons why nature gave us the middle finger.

xfilesIn Other News
The world’s oldest sperm, dating back 17 million years, has been unearthed in Australia. I can’t believe it. I thought Enrile’s from Cagayan?

A leaked hotel elevator security video showed Beyonce’s sister Solange viciously attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z. Solange has issued a statement denying she’s on a juice diet.

Solange Knowles, who’s also a singer, is reportedly planning to visit the Philippines soon. I hope she gets trapped in the Senate elevator.
———————————————————–
“I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!”
~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men

Sound Bites
“Nag-transact ako ng P5 million kay Napoles? Diyos ko naman. Hello?! Masyadong maliit.”
~JV Ejercito

Pork Scam Quiz
According to the Benhur files published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was the first senator to become a client of Janet Lim-Napoles?
A: Jinggoy Estrada
B: Lito Lapid
C: Bong Revilla
D: Juan Ponce Enrile
(Answer below)

Poll Results
Nagrereklamo si Jinggoy Estrada. Hindi raw dapat idamay sa lifestyle check ng Ombudsman ang kanyang pamilya. Ano’ng reaksyon mo?

-Kung wala siyang ginawang masama, wala siyang dapat ikatakot. Tama ang Ombudsman. 93.8%
-Tama si Jinggoy. Leave his family alone. 3.65%
-Political harassment! Inaapi ng gobyerno si Jinggoy. 2.55%

Answer to Pork Quiz: B: Lito Lapid

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate's new seal via @JoeyJohn16, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters]





EXCLUSIVE: THE LIST REVEALED!

12 05 2014

ACCORDING TO rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson, making public the so-called Napoles list will destroy the Senate. Which begs the question, “What’s there to destroy?”

denieceAttachments
What exactly is on that controversial list? According to unimpeachable sources, the list – saved in a USB flash drive has clickable links to several classified but unverified documents including:

- Actresses, sexy stars, beauty queens, and models who slept with Bong Revilla in the last 12 months

- Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s psychiatric evaluation report

- Bank accounts of JV Ejercito in the Carribean

- Cynthia Villar’s Botox procedure receipts that were allegedly charged to her office

- Records of Ralph Recto’s visits to a private night club in Quezon City

- 20 secret side accounts used by the staff of Alan Peter and Pia Cayetano to troll Vice President Binay and son, Junjun on Twitter

- Jinggoy Estrada’s confession letter to Erap (as regards what, nobody knows for sure)

- Transcript of sext messages between Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes

- Minutes of several meetings between Gringo Honasan and retired Marine major Jaime Napoles

- Photos of Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos together in a children’s party when they were toddlers. The caption reads: “They’re the cutest siblings I know. Proud Dad here. – Ferdie”

- Lito Lapid’s letter to the Senate president requesting that he be allowed to sleep during sessions citing his acute insomnia

- A loyal ABS-CBN supporter, Sergio Osmeña III’s subscription contract to PBB ALL IN 24/7

- Overseas itinerary of Antonio Trillanes’s staff while their boss was still in prison resulting in huge travel expenses

- Frank Drilon’s FDA-disapproved diet program

- A copy of Tito Sotto’s yet to be delivered (privilege) speech titled: “Ako, ang RH Law, at ang Panggagahasa Kay Pepsi Paloma – Diumano: My Version of Truth”

- Jewel May Lobaton’s tell-all affidavit in which she bared the shocking reason why she left Koko Pimentel; an allegation that could destroy the political career of the senator

- Contracts between Janet Lim-Napoles and her caterer-friends for the wedding of Bam Aquino and wife, Timi in 2012, and the christening of Chiz Escudero’s twins in 2008.

- Transcript of TG Guingona’s alleged one-on-one interview with Ruby Tuason the night before she appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee

- Love letters between a former lawmaker and Loren Legarda

- Nancy Binay’s final OJT grade: Singko, which was changed to 3.0 after her father intervened

And lastly…
– An NSO-authenticated birth certificate of Sonny Angara; the document identified his “birth mother” as Loren Legarda.

KrisJinggoy
The Office of the Ombudsman is reportedly conducting a lifestyle check on Jinggoy Estrada. Already indicted for plunder, Jinggoy described the lifestyle check as “political harassment.” In layman’s terms, ‘karma.’

Jinggoy says he and his wife will be celebrating their silver anniversary on June 28. He described it as “a milestone.” Well, it is! Not everyone is given the chance to celebrate their anniversary in prison.

KrisBong
A defiant Bong Revilla recently dared Malacañang, “Ikulong na nila ako. Ngayon na! Hinahamon ko sila, ngayon na. Dahil pagod na ako. Masyadong mahaba na ang sakripisyo ng pamilya ko.” The impassioned statement received a salute from his family and an automatic nomination from PMPC.

Bong Revilla dared Malacañang to jail him now ‘coz he’s already tired. Here’s a tip: resign.

Revilla also accused Malacañang of ‘hostaging’ the Senate and the House of Representatives saying, “Kung anuman ang gusto nilang ipasunod, susunod lahat. Ano pa’ng magagawang matinong trabaho namin dito sa Kongreso?” And even Congress was like, “Trabaho? As if!”

KrisTechnology
Sony has invented a 185-terabyte cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. That’s the good news. The bad news is it will take you 47 years to rewind.

Sony has re-invented a cassette tape that will allow users to store 47 million songs. In response, today’s youth said, “What’s a cassette tape?”

KrisThe Barrettos
In a TV interview, actress Claudine Barretto, who’s at odds with her sisters, lambasted Gretchen Barretto and called her “heartless.” Addressing her ate, Claudine said, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Inside, Gretchen was very angry. Outside, it’s hard to tell.

An incensed Claudine Barretto told Gretchen, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Sources say Gretchen monitored the full interview. In fact, while watching the 10-minute exclusive, she didn’t blink.

Viewers have had enough of the Barretto sisters’ public catfight. They advised them to just move on. To which, Gretchen’s face replied, “Good luck to me!”
—————————————————————————
“The problem with politics isn’t the money; it’s the power.”
~ Harry Browne

Sound Bites
“Sa pananaw ko meron itong national security kasi baka magiba ang Senado kapag nalabas ito sa publiko.”
~Panfilo Lacson on the so-called Napoles list

“Nagalit na naman ang aking kapatid. Sabi n’ya, nagpapapogi lang ako at his expense. I’ll have to be honest. Jinggoy and I are not close. He’s always furious with me.”
~JV Ejercito

UntitledDefinition
Lifestyle check is an investigation strategy developed by anti-corruption agencies in the Philippines to determine the existence of ill-gotten and unexplained wealth of officials and employees of the government. (Source)

Poll Results
Isyu ang bawat sabihin at gawin ni Kris Aquino. Maraming natutuwa, maraming naiirita. Sinong dapat sisihin?

-Pareho: Kris and media. 39.05%
-Hindi ko na lang pinapansin si Kris at ang mga balita tungkol sa kanya. Deadma. 29.88%
-Ang media. Bawat galaw kasi ibinabalita. 18.93%
-Si Kris mismo. Sumusobra na. Me, me, me and me. And more me. 12.13%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Senate, Kicker Daily, Inquirer.Com, Rappler, Twicsys.Com, ABS-CBN News.Com, HarvardPolitics.com]





SHOCKING, LITTLE-KNOWN, AND FUN FACTOIDS

10 05 2014

Totally Baseless Information On or About Famous Filipinos

calabarzon-palaro-basketball-champions-20140510
No. 1: Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes have a 12-year-old daughter studying at Poveda.

No. 2: JV Ejercito can neither call nor send text messages to Jinggoy Estrada. He was blocked by Jinggoy in May 2010.

No. 3: Kris Aquino has a twin.

No. 4: Since the pork barrel scam broke out, 98 percent of lawmakers have opened bank accounts overseas under a false name.

No. 5: According to a recent poll, 8 in 10 Filipino teens have not read a newspaper in the last 12 months. Almost 5 in 10 replied, “What’s a newspaper?”

No. 6: In high school, Mar Roxas was sent to the guidance counselor’s office twice for cursing in class.

No. 7: Since 2007, education gets the lion’s share of Makati City’s annual budget. The rest is for sister cities and municipalities with the largest voting population.

unicef
No. 8: In anticipation of his arrest and jail time, Bong Revilla has scheduled the conjugal visit of the women in his life.

No. 9: Among incumbent senators, Nancy Binay has the highest Flappy Bird score: 997.

No. 10: There is no such thing as a Napoles list. Neither Lacson nor De Lima has it. It’s just a political ploy. The list does not exist.

No. 11: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz lost his virginity a day before he entered the seminary.

No. 12: Imelda Marcos has a 24-year-old boyfriend.

No. 13: At least one senator is confirmed gay.

1nap
No. 14: Janet Lim-Napoles filed her latest Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth recently. Under Assets, she declared “majority of senators, congressmen, and their staff.”

No. 15: On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Cynthia Villar.

No. 16: Mommy Dionisia speaks six languages.

No. 17: Malacañang has postponed the release of a new bank note: a 2,000-peso bill that promotes the Filipino family. The bill features Kris Aquino, Josh, and Bimby on the reverse side.

No. 18: When he was in grade school, Cedric Lee would urinate in his pants every time a classmate would bully him. That classmate was Ferdinand Hipolito Navarro a.k.a. Vhong Navarro.

No. 19: Vicki Belo was born male.

No. 20: An internal survey revealed 10 out of 1 Liberal Party members believed Mar Roxas stood a chance at beating Jejomar Binay for president in 2016.

No. 21: Sonny Angara had a brief stint on German Moreno’s ‘That’s Entertainment.’ He was a member of the Wednesday group.

1BIRD
No. 22: Delfin Lee’s grandfather who was born in Lhasa, Tibet is a first cousin of the Dalai Lama.

No. 23: According to Guinness World Records, ER Ejercito is the most visible politician on Earth. His poreless face is seen on at least 200 billboards, 3,000 mugs, 700 tarpaulins, 10,000 shirts, 25,500 bags and 150 official government vehicles in Laguna and other parts of the country.

No. 24: Manny Pacquiao plans to enroll at ADMU. He looks forward to playing for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the next season of UAAP basketball.

No. 25: In his Times Street home, President Aquino has a Spongebob-themed bedroom.

No. 26: A recent study has shown that regular viewers of Pinoy Big Brother are self-absorbed individuals who are likely to remain single forever.

No. 27: A popular local official and the very much married daughter of an even more popular official were in a relationship.

Rappler
No. 28: The width of the visible part of Alan Peter Cayetano’s scalp is wider in the afternoon.

No. 29: Anne Curtis has purchased Privé Luxury Club for an undisclosed amount.

No. 30: Lito Lapid is still a senator.
———————————————————————————————————
“Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Sound Bites
“At this point, who stands to gain most from the publication of a long list of pork barrel scammers? Certainly not the justice system… Definitely, the ones who stand to gain the most are the big fish who have been breathing laboriously because their gills are wedged in the law’s net.”
~Prof. Randy David, The Napoles List

Have a fun weekend!

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





BOTOX AND POLITICS

7 05 2014


BONG REVILLA challenged Senate blue ribbon committee chairman TG Guingona to compel the DOJ to release the list of lawmakers allegedly implicated by Janet Napoles in the pork barrel scam. The action star said if the committee wouldn’t do that, Guingona should resign. In response, Guingona handed Revilla a dictionary and advised him to look up the meaning of the word ‘irony.’

Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “I challenge the chairman of the blue ribbon committee to compel the DOJ to release the list.” Guingona replied, “I challenge the good senator to define ‘compel.’”

1TuasonImmunity
Socialite Ruby Tuason, who admitted pocketing millions of pesos from the pork barrel scam was granted immunity after she returned 40 million pesos to the government. Ruby was so happy, her face almost moved.

Ruby Tuason returned 40 million pesos to the government and was granted immunity. Asked to elaborate on her deal with the government, the socialite was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

Jinggoy Estrada is furious about this deal between the government and his Tita Ruby. Jinggoy says Tuason “will crumble in the cross-examination.” But the socialite is unfazed and unafraid. Analysts believe the battle will come down to whoever blinks first. Advantage: Ruby.

Napoles
Experts at the Ospital ng Makati say pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles may now be discharged from the hospital following a successful surgery last month. But her personal doctors from St. Luke’s insist that she remain in the hospital because of her elevated sugar levels and blood pressure. “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes are working for Napoles’s doctors.”

The Legal Wife
Voting 13-2, the Supreme Court en banc ruled that the legal wife has the rights to her husband’s remains even if he had been with another woman for 15 years. And Cristina Enrile was like, “I know, right?”

SWS Survey
When shown a card with three choices by the SWS, 53 percent of Filipinos considered themselves “poor.” When shown a card with photos of corrupt senators, 100 percent of Filipinos considered themselves idiots.

Miserable
US-based Cato Institute compiled a list of the world’s most miserable nations. The most miserable is Venezuela with a misery index of 79.4 followed by Iran with 61.6, and Serbia, 44.8. The Philippines, with a misery index of 11.7 ranked 68th only. Filipinos demand a recount.

1BIRDWise Bird
Recent scientitific research found that the forked tailed drongo bird of Africa can imitate the sounds of about 51 birds and other animals. By tricking and scaring other species, drongos are able to steal their meals. Further studies showed the forked tailed drongo birds were lawmakers in their past life.

Disaster Alerts
The Senate has approved on third and final reading a bill that would require telecom companies to send disaster alerts. I think they’re already doing that. In fact, almost everyday, i get a text message that reads, “Want free ring tones? Send STOP if you blah blah blah.”

Appointed
Former senator Francis ‘Kiko’ Pangilinan has been appointed as presidential assistant for food security. There’s no truth to rumors that the post was initially offered to Sharon Cuneta.

KrisFerry Ride
Talk show host and actress Kris Aquino took a ride on the Pasig River ferry Monday. The presidential sister who was with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino enjoyed the experience. Reports say Kris had so much fun despite the garbage. It was like watching “My Little Bossings” all over again.

kris2
Kris Aquino took a ferry ride with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino Monday. Reports say the re-opening of the Pasig River ferry system was a success, attracting hundreds of commuters. Kris was impressed but she told Tolentino that the opening day of Bimby’s movie was still more successful.
————————————————————————————–
“An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.”
~ Jef Mallett

Sound Bites
“You just have to trust me that I am not going to sanitize the list. Pangako ko ‘yan sa taong bayan na hindi ko gagawin ‘yan. I will do my mandate in a very responsible and prudent manner.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
This if informative. For those voting in 2016: INFOGRAPHIC Biometric voter registration checklist

Poll Results
Naniniwala ka bang masusugpo ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan kapag itinaas ang suweldo ng mga senador at kongresista?

NO. 90.08%
Abangan natin. 6.17%
YES. 3.75%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Images: The Girl in Pink Shoes, Manila Bulletin, Discover Magazine, MMDA]





WHICH PORK SCAM PLAYER ARE YOU?

3 05 2014

FIND OUT by answering this pork barrel scam personality test. You must write your answers on a paper or type them on your phone. Good luck!

01
1: Choose a movie:
A: Toy Story
B: Bituing Walang Ningning
C: Die Hard
D: Magic Mike
E: The Godfather

2: Sa school, inakusahan kang nandaya sa exam, anong gagawin mo?
A: Ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang.
B: Igigiit na walang alam sa nangyari.
C: Magagalit. Magtuturo ng ibang kaklase.
D: Aamin pero sasabihing hindi ako ang nagsimula.
E: Deadma. Pero maghahanda ako ng defense in case magkaroon ng imbestigasyon.

3: What was the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx?
A: Ano ba ‘yong Sphinx?
B: Hindi ko alam.
C: Tang-ina. Malay ko!
D: Can I call a friend? Chos!
E: Ang dali naman. Next question please.

4: Select a sport or game:
A: Dama
B: Basketball
C: Boxing
D: Volleyball
E: Horse Race

5: Choose a quote or saying:
A: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
B: If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.
C: Just do it.
D: The truth will set you free.
E: Age doesn’t matter.

01
6: Pick an animal:
A: Rooster
B: Pig
C: Crocodile
D: Butterfly
E: Turtle

7: How would your friends describe you?
A: Attractive
B: Generous
C: Confident
D: Sociable
E: Intelligent

8: Choose a TV show:
A: Eat Bulaga
B: Kabuhayang Swak na Swak
C: Tukaan
D: Project Runway
E: TV Patrol

9: Ano ang kinatatakutan mo?
A: Aging
B: Poverty
C: Secret!
D: Cockroach
E: Death

Review your answers. Count the As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es.

If you answered mostly As, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Bs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Cs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Ds, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Es, click here.
——————————————————————————-
“Truth fears no questions.”
~Anonymous

2Sound Bites
“Ruby Tuason’s immunity from the PDAF cases does not automatically cover the Malampaya case. She has not been extended immunity in Malampaya because the case is still being evaluated.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Ruby Tuason

Have a nice weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: DZMM, Funny-Pictures.Net, Inquirer.Net/DOJ]





OF SURVEYS, SALARY, AND SELFIES

1 05 2014

1.1 oBAMA
TWO YEARS before the May 2016 national elections, Pulse Asia released a survey on potential presidential candidates. The big winner was Vice President Jejomar Binay. But the biggest winners were Tanda, Pogi and Sexy.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

Reacting to the latest Pulse Asia poll, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says he doesn’t pay attention to surveys. He also doesn’t pay green fees.

Right now, observers believe Jejomar Binay is the man to BEAT. To which Korina Sanchez said, “Oh, I’d love to!”

Mar and Jojo
On Twitter, Vice President Binay posted a photo of him and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas. The shot was taken at the Army headquarters in Taguig City where US President Obama delivered a speech last Tuesday. It was actually Sen. Loren Legarda who asked the feuding political rivals to pose for that rare photo-op. Legarda is now the frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize.

According to DILG Sec. Mar Roxas, he didn’t feel awkward shaking hands with Vice President Binay. During their brief conversation, Roxas said they talked about basketball. It was nice to see them share a light moment. Of course, it would have been a tense moment if they talked about golf.

CBCP, Again
Fr. Edu Gariguez, executive secretary of the CBCP’s National Secretariat for Social Action criticized the government for spending thousands of pesos for US President Barack Obama’s overnight hotel stay. The CHURCH official said the money spent during the Obama visit came from TAXPAYERS. Which begs the question, so why are you ranting?

Salary Hike
Sen. Antonio Trillanes has filed a bill that seeks to, among others, increase the monthly salary of lawmakers from P90,000 to over P350,000, saying this will help curb corruption in government. Trillanes has underestimated the greed of lawmakers.

1SelfieSelfie
Critics slammed Ilocos Norte Rep. Rudy Fariñas for the manner in which he took a selfie with Pope Francis last weekend. Fariñas almost hit the face of Philippine Ambassador to the Holy See Mercedes Tuazon when he posed with the Pope who was still talking and shaking hands with Tuazon. Supporters of Fariñas defended the solon saying there was nothing wrong with what he did and that the Pope was ‘game’ anyway. Palusot.

Ilocos Norte Rep. Rudy Fariñas took a selfie with Pope Francis last weekend. Fariñas called it the “selfie of my life.” Reacting to the photo, a netizen said, “Inggit si ako. Suwerte si ikaw.” [If you don’t get this, do some research.]

Free!
The government announced that both public and private employees would get a free MRT/LRT ride on May 1. That’s how the government observes Labor Day – giving a free ride to employees on a non-working, rest day. Salamat naman!

Arraigned
Businessman Cedric Lee and mixed martial artist Simeon Palma aka Zimmer Raz were arraigned Wednesday on the illegal detention case filed by Vhong Navarro. Earlier, Raz complained that he and Cedric were being “demonized.” To which, the demon said, “Excuse me! Mas grabe naman kayo ‘no!?”

NBA News
The owner of the LA Clippers, Donald Sterling was banned for life by the NBA over his racist statements. Sterling is now 80. He has a girlfriend more than half his age. The girlfriend is being blamed for his misery. If he’s Filipino, he could be the next Senate Minority Floor Leader.

Polygamy
Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”

Kris, Again
According to ABS-CBN News.Com, Kris Aquino is entertaining a new suitor. Rumors say the new suitor is tall, good-looking, and masochistic.
——————————————————————————-
“The difference between a politician and a statesman is that a politician thinks about the next election while the statesman think about the next generation.”
~ Hillary Rodham Clinton

Sound Bites
“Nakatutok naman tayo sa ating trabaho at hindi ko naman pinapansin at binibigyang pansin itong mga bagay na ito.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas on presidential surveys

1pol
Poll Results
Kapalit ng tell-all testimony, payag ka bang gawing state witness si Janet Lim-Napoles?

Utot niya! 79.69%
Sure. Basta tell-all talaga. 16.15%
Pag-iisipan ko muna. 4%

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to @VPBinay, BBC, TMZ, ABS-CBN News.Com]








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 107,689 other followers

%d bloggers like this: