WINNERS, LOSERS ATBP.

SOME GOOD NEWS: the midterm election is over. And in better news, the liquor ban had been lifted.

The good news is the midterm election is over. The bad news is the 2016 presidential campaign has just begun.

The midterm election is over. Cynthia Villar and Jamby Madrigal can now stop acting like they’re friends.

We’re done with the 2013 midterm elections. Alan Peter Cayetano can now openly attack Loren Legarda.

National Elections
Team PNoy’s Grace Poe is leading the race for senator. Asked about her very strong showing, Grace Poe replied, “I’m surprised!” Loren Legarda said, “Me too.”

Prof. Randy David says appearance in debates helped Grace Poe prove that’s she’s an intelligent candidate. Non-appearance in debates helped Nancy Binay prove she’s a more intelligent candidate.

Nancy Binay is winning. Risa Hontiveros is losing. No debate in the plenary. Well played Nancy, well played.

Much to the dismay of her critics, Nancy Binay will probably be proclaimed senator of the Philippines. A stunned but ecstatic Nancy thanked her party, her supporters, and her surname.

Team PNoy’s Jun Magsaysay is out of the Magic 12. Ser Chief’s magic didn’t work.

Televangelist Eddie Villanueva lost another bid for a national post. A few minutes ago, Villanueva was overheard saying, “Lord, strike 3 ka na!”

Some of the losers this year include Jamby Madrigal, Ernesto Maceda, Mitos Magsaysay and the Catholic vote.

At press time, Jack Enrile is at No. 15. Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile is demanding a refund from ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya.’

Local Elections
In Manila, former San Juan Mayor Joseph Estrada and his running mate Isko Moreno have been proclaimed winners. Bingo!

In Camarines Sur, 23-year-old Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte defeated his 77-year-old grandfather Luis Villafuerte Sr. in the gubernatorial race. It was only the second win for Migz whose first victory was against a classmate in a game of DoTA.

Camarines Sur elected its youngest governor in history, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte, 23 years old. Villafuerte thanked the people of Cam Sur for giving him his first OJT.

At only 23, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte was elected govenor of Camarines Sur. Even Nancy Binay was like, “Ano ‘to laro?!”

Aga Muhlach almost won a Congressional seat in Camarines Sur. The actor can’t wait to go back to Manila and stop pretending he’s Bicolano.

Pampanga
In Pampanga, Lilia ‘Baby’ Pineda posted a landslide win against former priest, Among Ed Panlilio. Asked to describe her overwhelming victory, Pineda said, “Masaya! Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

Annabelle Rama
In Cebu’s first district, talent manager Annabelle Rama was trounced by former lawmaker Raul Del Mar. Cebuanos chose mind over mother.

Feisty talent manager Annabelle Rama lost badly in Cebu. In fact, she lost even in her own precinct cluster. Before the polls opened on Monday, Ruffa Gutierrez tweeted that her mom was praying loudly. And her prayers were in fact, answered. It’s a no.

Richard and Lucy
In Leyte, Lucy Torres is back as District 1 representative while Richard Gomez is… back as her chief of staff.

Richard Gomez lost the mayoral race in Ormoc City. Aside from being an actor, Richard is also known for his hobbies: archery, fencing, and losing elections.

The Pacquiaos
In Sarangani, Jinkee Pacquiao won the race for vice governor. Jinkee was so happy her face actually moved.

Neophyte politician Jinkee Pacquiao was elected vice governor of Sarangani Province. Asked about her platform, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

BREAKING: Napagpasyahan ng Commission on Elections na sa 2016 election, ang balota ay isusubo hindi sa PCOS machine kundi sa mga kandidato MISMO. Kapag iniluwa, talo. FYI.
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“Elections determine who is in power, but they do not determine how power is used.”
~Paul Collier

Sound Bites
“’Yong mga bashers na ‘yon, talagang natural na ‘yon, ‘yong mga inggitero, inggitera.”
~Vice President Binay on daughter Nancy’s detractors

Mabuhay ang demokrasya!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

VOTE!

LET US bow our heads and offer a short prayer for the midterm elections.

“Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our sins
As we forgive our politicians
Amen.”

MONDAY, May 13 is Election Day. I can’t wait to NOT vote for certain candidates.

In no particular order, my top 3 choices for senator are Haydee Yorac, Winnie Monsod, and Oscar Orbos.

If the 2013 elections become successful, Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. deserves no less than three episodes on ‘Maaalaala Mo Kaya.’

Campaign Over
On Saturday, 11:59PM, the election campaign ended. Torture over!

Campaigning for Monday’s polls has ended. A relieved FPJ was like, “Can I rest now?”

Forty
Senatorial candidate Nancy Binay turned 40 on Sunday, May 12. As a birthday gift to herself, she took a leave from her OJT.

UNA candidate Nancy Binay is expected to win a Senate seat. The 40-year-old mother couldn’t hide her excitement. Finally, she’s got something to write under the heading “Achievements” on her resumé.

Solid
President Aquino is hoping that the electorate will vote for the 12 senatorial candidates of Team PNoy. How can you expect the people to go 12-0 when your candidates themselves won’t?

Surveys
An SWS study showed 74 percent of respondents considered election surveys as “good.” The rest were UNA candidates.

An SWS study showed nearly 3 in 4 Filipinos considered election surveys as “good.” The three were SWS employees.

Ano ang naging takbo ng usapan ng dalawang lalaking nagbubulungan?

A: “Sa tingin mo Isko papayag si Sexy kung iimbitahan ko mamayang gabi?”
“Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan Mr. President? Ikaw pa? Walang makatatanggi sa ‘yo!”

B: “Parang walang pwet.”
“Ok lang ‘yon sir! Sexy pa rin!”

C: “Kung ako sa ‘yo, popormahan ko ‘yan after ng kampanya.”
“Sir naman! Good boy ako. Ikaw na lang.”

D: “Itim ang panty ‘no?”
“Ssssh. Huwag kang maingay sir! Nasa likod ko si Nancy. Baka isipin no’n siya ang pinag-uusapan natin.”

Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-asul sa lalaking nakangiti?

A: “Ang ganda ng ngiti mo ah. Bakit? Nanalo ka na ba?!”
B: “Bro, pengeng number ni Sam Pinto. Meron ka raw eh.”
C: “Parang may kamukha kang reporter sa anggulong ‘yan. Alam ko na! Si JP Soriano ng GMA News!”
D: “Psst! Alam kong nakita mo ako. iacknowledge mo naman ako kahit kaplastikan lang! Nakakahiya sa mga tao. Hoy!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking nakapula sa kanyang katabing kandidato habang nagsasalita si Loren Legarda?

A: “Alam mo ba kung ilang US properties ang ‘di n’yan idineklara sa kanyang SALN?”
B: “Atin-atin lang ‘to. Pinaplastik ko lang siya nang makipagkamay ako kanina. Nahiya lang ako kay Presidente.”
C: “Ang lakas naman ng loob ng katabi mo! Sleeveless kung sleeveless!”
D: “Huwag kang lilingon huh. Simplehan mo lang. Totoo kaya ang tsismis na bading ‘yong nasa likod mo?”

[Photos: Reuters/Interaksyon/Philippine Daily Inquirer]

In Other News
Some 78,000 people have applied to go on a one-way trip to Mars. The worst thing about those 78,000 applicants? No one among them was a member of our Congress. Sayang!

Reports say the journey to the Red Planet would take at least six months. It’s like traveling on Edsa during rush hour.
—————————————————–
“It turns out horrendous when you choose the wrong options.”
~ Jaachynma N.E. Agu

Sound Bites
“Don’t you want the Philippines to have a president who is from Taguig?”
~Alan Peter Cayetano campaigning in his turf

Go out and vote! Gamitin ang utak sa pagboto!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

“ISANG BOTO KA LANG!”

IT’S BEEN more than three weeks since “Vice Ganda” grilled senatorial candidate “Nancy Binay.” With the recent developments involving Nancy and Vice, I felt I had to schedule another one-on-one for this blog. Surprisingly, both of them were available and both agreed to do it for the second time. This conversation happened just last night. Exclusive!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Vice Ganda!

Hellllllowww! Hiiiiii! I’m suuuuuure sabik na sabik na naman kayo sa guest natin ngayong gabi. Mga intrigera! D’yan kayo magaling – gusto n’yo may nag-aaway, may nagsasabunutan, may nagtatalakan para may mapagtsismisan kayo! Anyway, hindi ko na kayo bibitinin pa. Palakpakan po natin ang aking bagong BFF – senatorial candidate Nancy Binay!

Hello po sa inyong lahat. Hi Vice! It’s a pleasure to be back here.

Etchosera! Pleasure pleasure ka d’yan! I’m sure napilitan ka lang.

Hindi naman po. Patapos na kasi ang kampanya at naisip kong pagbigyan naman ang mga nag-iimbita sa akin. At ikaw ang napili ko.

Wowwwww! So utang na loob ko pa pala ‘yon? Guilting-guilty naman ako!

Please don’t. May gusto lang kasi akong linawin sa mga sinabi mo sa iyong press con kahapon.

Ah gano’n? Malabo ang mga sinabi ko sa press con?!? Sinabi ko lang na ‘di kita iboboto, malabo na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng honest lang talaga ako?

Hindi ‘yon ang gusto kong linawin!

Sige, what part of “I DON’T LIKE YOU” ang ‘di mo naiintindihan?

HINDI KO NAMAN SINABING GUSTUHIN MO AKO EH!!!

HINDI TALAGA KITA GUGUSTUHIN DAHIL BABAE KA! GAGA!

Alam mo Vice, pumunta ako rito at pinagbigyan kita sa pag-aakalang igagalang ako ng programa.

Bakit??? Binastos ba kita?! Hinipuan ba kita? Nag-all caps lang ako dahil nag-all caps ka rin. Helllllo!

Pwede bang mag-stick na lang tayo sa isyu?

Ikaw ang isyu! Mag-stick tayo sa ‘yo! Simple lang ang sinabi ko: hindi ako bilib sa ‘yo dahil ni hindi ka naging barangay tanod man lang tapos agad-agad senador ang target mo?

FYI Vice, kung si Kris Aquino nga, umaming gusto niyang mag-OJT para sa 2016, ako Vice, FYI more than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko sa city hall. FYI lang!

Ba’t ba FYI ka nang FYI? iPod ka? Naka-loop?! So proud ka na no’n? Halos kuwarenta anyos ka na, OJT ka pa?

My point is…

Sandali! Point mo ba talaga ‘yan?

Hindi! Point mo ‘to Vice! Jooooke!

Sorry, hindi ka bumenta. Kulang ka sa timing. As you were saying… ?

My point is…

Nagamit mo na ‘yan. Isip ka ng iba.

Ok. What I was trying to say…

Utu-uto! Ha-ha! Continue!

More than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko.

Hindi ako bingi. Narinig ko na ‘yan kanina.

Nakita ko ang kalagayan ng mahihirap sa Makati at sa sister cities and municipalities nito nationwide. Nagpakain ako sa mga batang-kalye, nag-asikaso ng mga buntis na babae, nag-educate sa mga kabataan, nangaral sa mga biktima ng droga, at iba pa.

See???? Ang linaw-linaw! Dapat nag-apply ka muna sa DSWD! Ikaw ang perfect social worker! Hindi paggawa ng batas ang dapat sa ‘yo!

May karapatan akong tumakbo!

Sinabi ko bang wala?

Minamaliit mo ang kakayahan ko!

Sinabi ko bang hindi?

Isang boto ka lang.

Sinabi ko bang dalawa? Tanga! Pareho lang tayo! Tig-isa!

Hindi ko kailangan ang endorsement mo.

Wala akong plano!

Mukha kang kabayo.

Thank you. Ikaw, mukha kang hinete!

Namimersonal ka na.

Sorry naman. Pasensya. Ito na lang: kamakalawa nag-joke ka raw na ikaw ang “Blacker Kris Aquino.” Alam mo bang planong mag-file ng defamation case ni Krissy laban sa ‘yo?

Hindi n’ya gagawin ‘yon.

Alam ko. Kaya nga pinipilit ko siya eh. Charing! Joke lang. Political dynasties: ano ang stand mo?

This a free country.

Maliban sa cliché na “This a free country,” ano pang justification ang alam mo?

Bakit ba ang init-init mo sa pamilya namin?

Tinanong lang about political dynasties, pinag-iinitan na agad? Hindi ba pwedeng guilty lang talaga kayo? Sige, another issue na lang: sabi mo sa isang interview, biktima ka ng cyber bullying. In 30 seconds, why do you think you deserve it?

Because…

Don’t start a sentence with ‘because!’

I think I deserve it because…

Engot! Sasagutin mo talaga?!? Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Nakakaloka ka! Maiba ako: nanonood ka ba ng ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya?’

Ngayon?

Oo, ngayon! Habang kinakausap kita!

Ba’t ba ang bilis mong magalit Vice? Nagtatanong lang naman ako ah. Oo, nanonood ako ng MMK. Bakit?

Kung isasadula ang iyong buhay gaya ng ginawa sa life story nina Grace Poe, Alan Peter Cayetano at Juan Ponce Enrile (2 parts pa), sinong artista ang gusto mong gumanap bilang ‘Nancy Binay?’

Isa lang?

Hindi! Dalawa. May Siamese twin ka ‘di ba? Kung gusto mo tatluhin mo, para mas freaky.

Hay naku! Very Vice Ganda ka talaga.

Natural. Alangan namang maging Very Nancy Binay ako. Eeew.

Hayyy bahala ka na nga. Basta kung ako ang pipili, gusto kong gumanap sa akin si Julia Montes.

Teenager ka ‘teh? Kuwarenta ka na, Jumujulia Montes ka pa? Alam mo, may ibang mas bagay na gumanap sa character mo.

Kathryn Bernardo??

Hindi! Bernardo Bernardo! Chos!

In fairness sa ‘yo Vice, natawa ako. Wait, pwede ba akong magtanong?

Go!

Sabi mo sa interview Vice, and I quote, “Hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga buwitre… kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko.” Kami ba ang tinutukoy mong “buwitre?”

Hihiramin ko na lang ang linya ng asawa kong si Krissy, “I won’t answer that so I don’t have to lie.” Pak!

So kami nga ang tinutukoy mo?

Ba’t ba insistent kang buwitre kayo? Kung sasabihin ko bang hindi, maniniwala ka? Ito na lang ang sagutin mo. Dumadalas ang blackout sa Luzon. Ikaw ang sinisisi sa social media. May kinalaman ka raw ba?

Hindi ko sasagutin ang mga panlalait at below-the-belt na comments like that Vice. Itaas natin ang lebel ng debate.

Gaga! Paanong itataas eh ‘di ka nga sumisipot sa debate!?! Adik ka ‘teh?

Hindi. Ni sigarilyo nga hindi ko pa natitikman.

Anuba! Kainis ka! Napaka-literal mo!

UNA po ako, hindi Liberal.

Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Wait, bago tayo magpaalam, sa mga nagbabasa ng blog na ito, ‘wag po n’yong kalimutan ang aking concert, “I-Vice Ganda Mo ‘Ko’ next week na. Kokonti na lang po ang available tickets. Pa-reserve na kayo sa Ticketnet!

Pwede ba ‘kong manood Vice?

Wala nang ticket!!! Hindi mo ba ‘ko narinig? Kasasabi ko lang. Sold out na!

Pwede na lang ba akong mag-message?

Ano ‘to The Buzz? Startalk?

Eh ‘di ‘wag. Aalis na lang ako. May lakad pa ako.

Nagmamadali ka? May OJT ka pa?

Hindi ka na nakakatuwa.

Hindi ko obligasyong pasayahin ka! Pero sige… bilang pasasalamat sa pagdating mo ngayong gabi… bibigyan kita ng dalawang minuto para mangampanya. Free of charge!

Libre?!?

Hindi! May bayad! Kaya nga ‘free’ ‘di ba? Kasi may bayad! Start na!

Thank you Vice! Ahm… Sa mga minamahal kong kababayan. Nais ko pong

Ayyyyyyyyyy! Brownout! Shit. Wala pa namang generator.

Vice, anjan ka pa ba? Hindi kita makita.

Wow. Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo. Visible ka ‘teh?

Masyado ka! Namimersonal ka na naman!

Hindi ‘yan pamimersonal! Kahit magdebate pa tayo.

‘Di na kailangan. I believe you.

[End of Interview]
—————————————————-
“It is better to deserve without receiving, than to receive without deserving.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Sound Bites
“Mayroon akong mga pamangking maliliit, hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga bwitre or sa mga taong maaaring mang-abuso sa mga pamangkin kong maliliit. Kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko, inaalagaan ko ang pagboto ko. Sa pamamaraang alam ko, hinihikayat ko ang mga taong bumoto nang tama.”
~Vice Ganda

“At the end of the day, he has just one vote.”
~Nancy Binay on Vice Ganda

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PDI]

OF YAO MING, BINAY AND SEX APPEAL

FORMER NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

Vice President Binay told Yao Ming, “Politics is also a popular sport here in the Philippines.” In fact, if politics were basketball, the Binay family could form a team.

Yao Ming presented Vice President Binay with a Sharks jersey and an autographed basketball. The jersey was a bit wrinkled so he asked Nancy to have it ironed.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Kris vs. Priest
According to Father Melvin Castro of the CBCP, for the sake of delicadeza, Kris Aquino should stay away from politics. The TV host replied, “You first.”

Crack
Despite the reported infighting in the administration coalition, deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte insists there’s no rift in Team PNoy. In other news, there’s no traffic on Edsa.

Sex Appeal
Aside from the fact that Sonny Angara is “young and idealistic,” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she’s voting for the Team PNoy candidate because he’s “full of sex appeal.” Related fact: Senator Santiago didn’t vote for President Aquino in 2010.

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is voting for a candidate with these qualities: young, idealistic, full of sex appeal. Manong Ernie Maceda was like, “Tse!”

The Fugitive
He’s all over the news granting interviews to major networks. Do you know where Cezar Mancao is right now? The NBI neither.

The National Bureau of Investigation admits it is having a hard time tracking down fugitive ex-police officer Cezar Mancao. Ping Lacson taught him well.

Phreatic Explosion
On Tuesday, Mayon Volcano spewed rocks, smoke, and ashes killing at least five mountain climbers. President Aquino advised residents and tourists to stay away from the restive mountain. He also advised Albay Governor Joey Salceda to stay away from UNA candidates.

At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Rated XPG
A day after issuing a denial, former Caloocan City councilor Marjorie Barretto admitted that she was the nude woman in scandalous photos that came out in tabloids and the Internet. There were four pics. One word: embarrassing.
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“In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“Hoy sobra ka naman! Blacker, blacker. At this point, hindi na brown eh. Black na, kaya blacker.”
~Nancy Binay’s reply when the press jokingly told her she’s the brown version of TV host Kris Aquino

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos:PEP/PDI/Interaksyon/AP]

QUESTION & ANSWER PORTION

HERE’S PART III of our series of questions for senatorial candidates. I’ve included some for local bets and future Tarlac governor Kris Aquino.

Grace Poe
Bawat buka ng iyong bibig ay nababanggit ang pangalan ni Fernando Poe Jr: “Dahil kay FPJ” “Kung wala si FPJ” “Laban ni FPJ” “Nasimulan ni FPJ” “Turo ni FPJ” blah blah blah FPJ. Ano po bang klaseng ina si Susan Roces?

Jack Enrile
Sa estimate ng iyong strategists, ilang percentage points ang posibleng madagdag sa iyong Pulse Asia at SWS survey ratings matapos itampok sa dalawang magkasunod na episodes ng ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya’ ang kwento ng buhay ng iyong ama?

Alan Peter Cayetano
In 140 characters or less, defend ‘political dynasty.’

Nancy Binay
Namamayagpag ka sa senatorial surveys, at kung paniniwalaan ang mga ito, tiyak na ang panalo mo bilang legislator. Hindi ka ba natatakot?

Bam Aquino
Aminado kang malaki ang naging impluwensya sa ‘yo ni Ninoy Aquino – ang iyong tiyo. Ano naman ang naging impluwensya, if at all, ni Tessie Aquino-Oreta, ang iyong tiya?

JV Ejercito
Kung pagkakaisa at pagkakaunawaan ang susi sa pag-unlad, paano mo ipaliliwanag ang pag-unlad n’yo ni Jinggoy?

Cynthia Villar
Ayon sa Pulse Asia, ang iyong mga patalastas ang pinaka-tumatak sa isip ng publiko. Gaano kalaking tulong ang premature campaigning sa iyong kandidatura?

Aga Muhlach (Camarines Sur)
Kung mananalo kang kongresista, paano mo lalabanan ang antok sa Kongreso?

Annabelle Rama (Cebu)
Ilang buwan ka na ring walang kaaway. Ok ka lang ba?

ER Ejercito (Laguna)
Gaano karaming boto ang magiging lamang mo sa iyong kalaban kung miyembro ng FAMAS at PMPC ang mga botante sa iyong lalawigan?

Kris Aquino
If you decide to seek the gubernatorial post in Tarlac in 2016 at iiwan mo permanently ang showbiz, how can we thank you?

Generic Questions
Kung kayo ay isang hayop, bakit buwaya?

Kung ikaw ay mananalo, ang termino mo ay three years lamang. Kung matutupad ang pangako mong libreng edukasyon sa bawat mag-aaral, sapat na pagkain sa bawat mesa, at tiyak na trabaho sa bawat Pilipino, ano ka – magician?

SENATOR Loren Legarda accused a fellow Team PNoy candidate of orchestrating a smear campaign to destroy her reputation. Some sources say the candidate is male, a re-electionist, and separated from his wife. Alan Peter Cayetano immediately issued a statement saying his marriage is very much intact.

Sen. Loren Legarda says a fellow Team PNoy candidate is out to destroy her. Legarda hints the mysterious candidate is male and a re-electionist – much to the relief of ex-senator Jamby Madrigal who is not a re-electionist.

Kris’ Choice?
Reports say Kris Aquino has given the impression that she won’t vote for the entire Team PNoy slate. Loren Legarda too.

Asked if she’d vote for UNA’s Nancy Binay, Kris Aquino answered, “I don’t want to put my brother in an alanganin position. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t answer.” She just said yes.

On whether or not she’s voting for Nancy Binay, Kris Aquino said, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having friends and with supporting their friends.” But the TV host refused to elaborate and said, “I don’t want to put my brother in an alanganin position.” She just did.

Kris 2016
Acknowledging the fact that the Binay dynasty is unbeatable in Makati City, TV host Kris Aquino – herself a registered Makati voter said she’ll just look for another city where she could possibly run for mayor. In other news, Herbert Bautista is worried.

Manila Race
Former president Joseph Estrada admits the mayoral race between him and Mayor Alfredo Lim in Manila is neck and neck – which is a bit surprising since Erap does not have a neck.

Pamela and the President
Hollywood bombshell Pamela Anderson has invited President Aquino to dinner to discuss the plight of elephant Mali. Animal rights activists say Mali is living a really “lonely” life in Manila. Perhaps the only thing lonelier is President Aquino.

According to reports, President Aquino turned down the invitation of Pamela Anderson. Sayang! The President and Pamela would have been a good match. The playboy and the playmate.
—————————–
“Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do.”
~ Steve Jobs

Sound Bites
“I’m now a voter in Makati, but open naman ako kasi alam kong hindi matitibag ang mga Binay doon, so maghahanap na lang ako ng ibang siyudad sa Metro Manila kung saan pwede.”
~Presidential sister Kris Aquino on running for public office in 2016

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: AP/Showbiznest]

EXCLUSIVE: THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE

DESPITE HIS tight schedule, the President granted us an exclusive interview on condition that it would be a ‘light’ one. So we opted to send one of your favorite hosts to talk to the Chief Executive.

After his hit one-on-one with senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay, the public asked for more. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, ang kilabot ng mga basketbolista… Vice Ganda!

(Canned applause)

Grabe naman ang intro! Nakaka-tense. Parang pinapalabas namang hayok na hayok sa akin ang mga basketball players. Well… I cannot blame them. Charrrrring! Anyway, excited po ako dahil importanteng tao ang makakausap natin tonight. ‘Wag na nating patagalin pa… ang kapatid ng aking ‘asawang’ si Krissy… President Noynoy Aquino!

Good evening Vice! Kinakabahan ako ah. Nakakatakot pala rito.

Gano’n ho ba? Eh ‘di sige… ‘wag na lang nating ituloy Mr President. Madali naman ho akong kausap. Ayun ang pinto; makakauwi na po kayo. Mga kaibigan, kita-kita ulit tayo next time dito sa…

Ikaw naman Vice, tampo ka kaagad. Nagbibiro lang ako. Kailan ba kita hinindian?

Kung makapagsalita ka naman Sir parang hinahabol-habol kita. Ang gwapo n’yo lang huh!

Loko ka talaga Vice. O, ano ba’ng atin?

Itinatanong n’yo ho kung ano’ng atin? Ang alam ko lang ho ‘yong akin, malaki. Ewan ko ho ‘yong sa inyo!

Puro ka naman joke Vice eh. Start na tayo.

I see. ‘Yong lagay na ‘yon eh hindi pa pala tayo nagsisimula! So ano ho ‘tong ginagawa natin? Rehearsal? Joke laaaang. Sige po, game na tayo. Unahin na natin ang tanong na alam kong hinihintay ng masa: Ano ho bang real score sa pagitan n’yo ni Bianca Manalo?

Real score?

Hindi ho! Fake score. Ano ho ang fake score sa pagitan n’yo ni Bianca? Chos lang. Siyempre, real score.

Ang totoo Vice, hindi pa ako nakaka-score.

Nagtaka pa kayo?

Anong sabi mo Vice?

Ang sabi ko Mr President, ang tanga-tanga naman ni Bianca! Pangulo na ang lumalapit, parang ayaw pa. Sus! Kung ako ang babaeng ‘yon, magdyowa na tayo ngayon Sir!

I can’t imagine Hahaha

You can’t imagine?! Wow! Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo Coco Martin! Anyway, here’s the next question: kumusta naman ho ang inyong sex life?

I think that’s private.

Exactly Mr. President! I am asking about your privates! Hellooow!

Pasensya na Vice. ‘Wag na ‘yan.

Sige na nga! Hmmpf. Ang liit-liit na bagay, ayaw pag-usapan. Moving on… Almost three years na kayo sa puwesto pero hindi pa rin daw kayo tumitigil sa paninisi kay GMA. Hobby n’yo ba talaga ‘to o trip-trip lang?

Alam mo Vice, seryosong usapin ito.

Bakit ho? Sinabi ko bang joke ‘yan? Nagbibintang kayo huh! Masama ‘yan Mr President. Naninisi ka na naman.

Lahat ng masamang nangyayari ngayon ay bunga pa rin ng masamang mga patakaran noon. Kung nababanggit ko man ang nakaraang administrasyon sa aking mga talumpati, nais ko lang ipabatid sa taumbayan na walang magandang maidudulot ang pagiging gahaman at mapang-abuso sa kapangyarihan.

Ang dami namang sinabi. ‘Tinanong ko lang kung trip o hobby, nobela ang naging sagot! Kaloka! Mr. President, malapit na po ang eleksyon, hypothetical lang… kung may isang member ng LP coalition ang sure na matatalo, sino ang gugustuhin mo, and why?

Isa lang??

Hindi ho. Labindalawa! ‘Di ba kasasabi ko lang na isa Mr President? Hindi n’yo ho narinig? Kung ayaw n’yo ng isa, gawin nating labindalawa, para lahat sila… talo! Bahala kayo!

Mahirap eh. Pero kung pipili ako ng isa… ahm, isa lang talaga?

Paulit-ulit??!? Oo nga ho! Isa lang! Ang kulit!

Lahat sila ikinakampanya ko at lahat sila ay napalapit na sa akin. Pero kung ako ang pipili ng matatalo…

Bakit ho si Mrs. Villar?

Sandali! Wala pa akong sinasabi. Saan nanggaling ang Mrs. Villar?

Ay, hindi ho ba siya? Sorry. I thought siya ang choice n’yo dahil noong 2010 grabe ang batuhan n’yo ng putik.

Mahirap sagutin ang tanong mo Vice. Baka may magtampo. Pwedeng ibulong ko na lang?

Sure! Sino ho ‘yon Mr. President?

(Mr. President whispers a name to Vice)

Oh em gee!!!!! Siya?!?! Nakakaloka ka Sir! Hindi ko inexpect na s’ya, promise! May pam-blackmail na ako sa’yo Mr. President… hahaha!

Wala namang laglagan Vice. Sa ‘ting dalawa lang ‘yon.

Joke lang Sir. Sa mga readers, heto ang clue sa name na ibinulong sa akin ng pangulo: May letter A sa full name! Good luck sa panghuhula. Back to you Sir… alam kong napanood n’yo ang interview ng TV Patrol sa apat n’yong kapatid na babae. Ano ang masasabi n’yo kay Ma’am Viel?

Actually s’ya nga lang ‘yong tinext ko nang makita ko silang apat sa TV eh. Sabi ko kay Viel, “Si Alison Krauss ka ba?”

I’m sure, nagtanong si Ma’am Viel, “Bakit?”

Kasi… you say it best when you say nothing at all. Boom!

Pucha naman! Ang korni mo Mr President! Sarap mong sipain! Syet. Anyway, iniintriga ho ngayon si Albay Governor Joey Salceda. Kasi naman, LP leader siya pero inendorso daw niya sina Nancy Binay at Jack Enrile. Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa bruhang ‘yon, I mean sa pangyayaring ito?

Joey called me the other day at nagpaliwanag naman. Naging “extra hospitable” daw lamang siya nang mangampanya sa Albay ang UNA.

Echosera! Hindi ako naniniwala Mr President! Malakas ang radar ko sa Salceda na ‘yan! In 2010, nilaglag din niya si Gilbert Teodoro at lumipat sa LP. I’m sure, sa 2016… ta-traydurin naman niya ang Liberal! Watch out!

LP member ka ba Vice? Kung magsalita ka kasi parang regional chairman ka. May galit ka ba kay Joey?

Sinasabi ko lang ang totoo Mr President. At wala akong galit kay Salceda. Excuse me, ang layo ng ganda ko sa kanya!

Saang school ka nga galing Vice?

FEU! Morayta!

Si Joey Salceda… Atenista.

Hindi halata! Tse!

Namemersonal ka na. May tanong ka pa?

Marami hong nag-aalala, kasama na kami ni Krissy, sa balitang bumibigay na ang katawan n’yo sa matinding kampanya. Paulit-ulit ho ang payo ng Philippine Medical Association, mag-quit na raw kayo sa pagyoyosi. Any reaction?

Paulit-ulit ko ring sasabihing ang paninigarilyo ang stress reliever ko. Mahirap bang unawain ‘yon?

Kayo pa ang galit Mr. President?? Wow. Sorry naman sa concern! By the way, alam n’yo bang ayon sa isang recent study, nakakaliit ng t*ti ang smoking?

Ang bastos naman ng bibig mo Vice! ‘Tsaka ‘di dapat pinaniniwalaan ang mga ganyang study. Sus! Sa ibang bansa lang ‘yan! Paano ba mag-quit?

‘Yun na! Pag-usapan natin ‘yan mamaya Sir. Tapusin muna natin ‘to. Kung tomorrow na isasagawa ang presidential elections, sino ang iboboto mong pangulo?

Siyempre, isa lang. ‘Yong taong nagpaubaya sa akin noong 2010 – ang matalik kong kaibigang si Mar.

Bakit Mr. President, handa na ba ang publiko sa kanya?

Mas dapat yatang tanong mo Vice: handa na ba ang publiko kay Korina?

Ay! Parang may laman ang statement na ‘yan! May pinaghuhugutan? Before I forget, congrats nga pala Mr. President for being one of the 100 most influential people in the world ng TIME magazine.

Siyempre, nagpapasalamat ako sa pagkilala. Nakatataba ng puso ang mapasama sa nasabing prestigious list.

Oo nga eh. Kasama n’yo sa listahan si Kim Jong Un.

Si Kim Jong Un ng North Korea?!!!!!?

Hindi ho! Si Kim Jong Un ng Belgium o kaya Kim Jong Un ng Tuvalu. ‘Di bale Mr President… ang importante, influential ka!

Thank you Vice! Matagal pa ba ‘to?

Ay, minamadali n’yo ako?? Ano bang sked n’yo today: trabahong pampangulo o trabahong pam-partido?

Are you implying something?

Wala ho. Sabi ko ho, ang sipag-sipag n’yo. Sige po… dahil campaign period naman ngayon at bilang pasasalamat sa inyong pagpapaunlak sa aming invitation… you can pitch for your candidates. I am giving you 1 minute.

One minute?

Ah hindi! Kung gusto n’yo… 1 week. Sige, simulan n’yo na’t baka abutan pa kayo ng eleksyon. Go!

Pwede ko nang simulan?

No Mr. President. Tapusin mo na! Kaloka ka!

-End of Interview-
———————————–
“I do not believe that any political campaign justifies the declaration of a moratorium on ordinary common sense.”
~Dwight David Eisenhower

Sound Bites
“I courteously held the hands of Nancy and Jack but did not raise (them).
~Albay Governor and LP regional chair Joey Salceda on his endorsement of UNA candidates

Have a productive month of May!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

‘KAMPANYA SERYE’ AND OTHER STORIES

MAALAALA MO KAYA’s ‘Kampanyaserye’ featured the life story of Juan Ponce Enrile – father of senatorial candidate Jackie Enrile. Apparently, it’s a two-part series. One for Pulse Asia and one for SWS.

Two weeks before the campaign period, multi-awarded drama anthology ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya’ featured the story of senatorial candidates Alan Peter Cayetano and Grace Poe. Two weeks before the elections, they’re featuring Enrile. Television shows have its highs and lows. This is MMK at its lowest.

To be fair, ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya,’ is not insulting its viewers’ intelligence. MMK is assuming they don’t have any.

Binay, Victim?
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay says she’s a victim of cyber bullying. That claim is highly debatable. But since she won’t debate on this issue anyway, let’s just move on.

Maceda Falls
Bad news from the UNA campaign trail: former senator Ernesto Maceda lost his footing and stumbled as he inched his way toward the stage. But the veteran politician recovered quickly, regained his composure and eventually won first runner-up.

Papin Is In
Last week, the Commission on Elections reversed its earlier ruling, and allowed Imelda Papin to run for a Congressional seat in Bulacan. Isn’t that a bit unfair to her? It’s already April 28. Papin has only 14 days left to prepare for a loss.

Windfall
ABS-CBN Corporation says it expects to earn at least 1-billion pesos from political ads. And that’s just for ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya.’

As in previous elections, ABS-CBN Corporation expects huge revenues from candidates. To which the New People’s Army said, “Kami rin.”

Nothing Romantic
President Aquino has denied reports he’s courting Bianca Manalo. Sought for comment, the former beauty queen said, “Thank God!’

Consul In Trouble
Philippine consul general to Vancouver Jose Ampeso is in hot water after a video of him berating an OFW surfaced online. Ampeso was reportedly drunk. The government has asked the intoxicated consul to come home, explain, and consider an offer to become Executive Secretary.

Gun Control
According to a Pulse Asia survey, 75 percent of Filipinos support a policy of gun control in the Philippines. The rest are idiots.

SALN Deadline
Government officials and employees including politicians have until Tuesday, April 30 to file their statement of assets, liabilities and net worth or SALN. If you’re a politician, you have absolutely nothing to worry about as long as you possess truthfulness, honesty, and undetected secret accounts in the British Virgin Islands.

Poverty Level
Data gathered by the National Statistical Coordination Board showed poverty level in the country has remained unchanged since 2006. President Aquino doubted the results of the study. See? Even the reaction of the sitting president is unchanged.

The Barrettos
Have you been following the controversial Barretto family feud? Inday Barretto spoke against daughter Gretchen and son JJ for saying nasty things against their youngest sibling Claudine. I mean, with family members like that, who needs the Tulfos?

In a letter published by columnist Ricky Lo, Mommy Inday Barretto defended daughter Claudine against her sister Gretchen. Latest rumors say Gretchen texted Claudine, “If you want a fight, I’ll give you one – anytime, anywhere.” And Claudine replied, “Sure! Tomorrow, NAIA Terminal 3.”
———————————————————
“The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history.”
~ George Orwell on propaganda

Sound Bites
“It makes me squirm when I watch on television a cleric mouthing a political vocabulary. It makes my toes curl.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on the so-called ‘Catholic vote’

“I offer my sincerest apologies to everyone I have ever badgered to register, but I take nothing back. The fact that I have failed to exercise this responsibility myself does not make me wrong about any of that. Although admittedly, it makes me all kinds of stupid.”
~Comelec spokesman James Jimenez admitting that he cannot vote since his registration had been deactivated

Have a fun week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PHILIPPINES 2053

Philippine Headlines in the Year 2053

55th Congress adjourns; solons fail to tackle FOI Bill anew;
Minority Leader Lorenzo Tanada IV slams majority

DBM delays release of pork barrel:
Disgruntled opposition lawmaker commits suicide

30 out of 100 Filipinos live below poverty line, unchanged since 2013

Centenarians all:
Erap, Maceda, Enrile make it to TIME’s 100 Most Influential Stem Cell Therapy Patients list

Comelec assures public: “Voting via text and social media now in place; no reason not to vote”

New People’s Army to field candidates in the party-list elections

Imelda Marcos is finally dead at 123;
Marcos loyalists demand lavish hero’s burial for former First Lady

Allies turned bitter foes
House Speaker James ‘Bimby’ Aquino to challenge incumbent President Jejomar Binay IV in next year’s polls

CBCP asks court to issue TRO vs. same-sex sex

After 43 years
Fugitive ex-army major Jovito Palparan surrenders

TV Patrol Exclusive:
Lola Kris Aquino at mga nabubuhay pang kapatid magsasalita na tungkol sa diumano’y pangha-harass ng isang lolong ex-PBA player sa 83-year-old retired TV host

Outgoing Bukidnon governor Migz Zubiri celebrates 85th birthday in capitol;
reveals his birthday wish: “Patawarin na sana ako ni Koko.”

Guinness World Records cites Bureau of Customs for “longest sustained corruption”

Independent State of Mindanao declares war on Philippine government

SC finally rules on 43-year-old case: Roxas won 2010 VP race
Korina Sanchez feels vindicated, offers prayer for her late husband

Number of South Koreans in the Philippines exceeds Seoul population
Bureau of Immigration vows stricter policy on foreign tourists

Restaurateur Heart Ongpauco-Escudero to daughter Franchesca’s politician-bf: “Leave her alone!”

Senior statesman Noynoy Aquino, 91 tells media: “I’m married to singlehood.”
Ex-prexy denies rumors he’s dating a former nightclub dancer turned TV host

Netizens accuse late senator Tito Sotto of copying a blogger’s epitaph and inscribing it on his own tombstone

Palace bestows Mother of the Century Award to Nanay Nancy Binay, 80
Ex-senator’s 5 children, 30 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren to attend ceremony

Bb. Pilipinas pageant marks its 90th year;
90 candidates to compete in 10-hour finalé

UAAP Season 116 shocker: UP Fighting Maroons foil Ateneo Blue Eagles’ 46-peat

ER Ejercito wins posthumous PMPC and Famas trophies for the 25th consecutive year

And in showbiz:
Apo nina Claudine at Gretchen Barretto, matindi na naman ang away;
mga baho ng kani-kanilang lola, inungkat pa
—————————————————————-
“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”
~ Albert Einstein

Sound Bites
“Kaya ako nagtataka kasi Gretchen prays the rosary, every time, talagang two to three times a day, she goes to Baclaran. May devotion. Nagsisimba, parang very solid ang relationship with God. Ako naman feeling ko kung madasalin kang tao, ‘yung ina-accuse sa iyo na may sisiraan kang kapatid, hindi bagay doon sa nakita ko, for myself na napakamadasalin ngayon. I’m sure since madasalin siya ino-honor niya ang Ten Commandments. Hindi ba the fourth commandment is ‘honor your mother and your father?’”
~Kris Aquino on Gretchen Barretto’s feud with her mom, Inday

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PHStars.Com/ABSCBN-Global]

ELECTIONS 2013: MGA HULA AT BABALA

OUR RESIDENT psychic, Madam Kalachuchi is back with her forecasts for senatorial candidates and other prominent figures in government and politics. Madam Kalachuci has a PhD in astrology and a master’s degree in palmistry. Her previous predictions were 99.9 percent accurate.

Here are some of her latest vibrations.

Loren Legarda
Sa eleksyon, posibleng mag-No. 1 ka. Sa pag-ibig, posibleng mag-No. 2 ka. Labanan ang tukso.

Cynthia Villar
Nagbunga na ang maaga mong pangangampanya. Congratulations! After the election, you and your husband deserve a vacation. Try n’yo sa British Virgin Islands. Maganda raw doon.

Jackie Enrile
Mumultuhin ka. Dalawa sila.

Jun Magsaysay
Hahanapin ng mga botante ang pangalang “Sir Chief” sa balota. Wala silang makikita. Namimiligro ka.

Nancy Binay
Magpapatuloy ang makapanindig-balahibo mong pag-akyat sa mga surveys. Tama ang desisyon mong huwag dumalo sa mga televised debates at forums. Ang pananahimik ang iyong best asset. Keep it up.

JV Ejercito
Magkakaayos din kayo ng half-brother mong si Jinggoy… kung matatalo ka sa eleksyon.

Risa Hontiveros
Ayaw ng masa sa magaganda. Magpapangit ka. May panahon pa.

Grace Poe
Nanganganib na bumaba pa ang iyong ranking sa survey. Kumita na kasi si FPJ. Humanap ng iba pang inspirasyon.

Mitos Magsaysay
Huwag umasa sa Catholic vote. Marami sa kanila, nag-Born Again na.

Alan Peter Cayetano
Mahirap basahin ang iyong kapalaran. Wala kang masyadong isyu. Sige, isyung personal na lang. Nakikita ko ang patuloy na paglawak ng iyong anit. Mabahala.

Richard Gordon
Wala kang inuurungan, wala kang kinatatakutan, wala kang sinasanto. Dahil sa sobrang tapang mo, posibleng makaaway mo rin ang sarili mo. Kalma lang.

Sonny Angara
Bagamat taas-baba ang iyong pwesto sa survey, malakas ang aking kutob na magna-No. 1 ka! Magna-No. 1 ka sa Aurora.

Marwil Llasos
Sabi ng ‘yong campaign slogan, “Bente-bente lang po. Kay Llasos, ayos!” Ang makukuha mong boto: bente din lang.

Edward Hagedorn
Agaw-pansin ang pagkakahawig n’yo ni Erap. Dahil d’yan, iboboto ka ng masa… bilang mayor ng Maynila.

Teddy Casiño
Ang pagbatikos mo sa ginawang pang-a-ambush ng NPA sa ina ni TG Guingona ay ikakasama ng loob ng iyong boss sa Netherlands. Tawagan siya at humingi ng tawad.

Migz Zubiri
Huwag ikalulungkot ang napipintong pagkatalo. Kabayaran lang ito sa pag-upo mo noon kahit ‘di ka naman nanalo.

Koko Pimentel
Malupit ang ‘yong kapalaran. Tanggapin ang katotohanang isinilang ka upang mabiktima ng dayaan: sa pulitika o pag-ibig man. Boom!

Francis Escudero
Lahat ng lalaking nauugnay sa iyong kasintahan ay nawawalan ng career. Ibalik mo na lang siya sa kanyang mga magulang bago mahuli ang lahat.

Tingting Cojuangco
Hindi dapat umasa ng panalo sa darating na eleksyon. Mas makabubuting ibaling na lang sa pagpapabata ang iyong atensyon.

Ernesto Maceda
May exposé po ako sa inyo. Natuklasan kong matatalo kayo. Sure na.

Jamby Madrigal
Hindi epektibo ang iPad sa kampanya. Summer ngayon. Subukang mamigay ng aircon o electric fan.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva
Ang mga katulad mong Born-Again Christian ay hindi naniniwala sa hula. Pwes, hindi rin ako naniniwala sa ‘yo. Wala kang forecast!

Ramon Montaño
Pwede pa po kayong umurong. Thank you.

Bam Aquino
May matatanggap kang text message sa susunod na 24Oras. Ikagugulat mo ito. Ang laman ng mensahe, “Huwag mo na kaming isali. Nananahimik na kami.” – Ninoy at Cory

AT IBA PA…

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr.
Iwasang magbanta kung hindi naman tutuparin. Kung aalis ka sa puwesto, gawin na lang, totohanin. Huwag papansin.

Bonus na hula: Dahil sa matinding trabaho sa mga susunod na araw, dadami ang itim mong buhok.

SWS and Pulse Asia
Hihina ang pasok ng kita pagkatapos ng eleksyon. ‘Di bale, tubong-lugaw naman kayo ngayon. Mag-blowout.

President Aquino
Huwag maniwala sa mga tsismis na may namumuo raw romance sa pagitan n’yo ni Bianca Manalo. Alam mo ang totoo. #wala

Philippine Daily Inquirer
Naimbento na po ang Google. Kung hindi sigurado sa gagamiting larawan, mag-search. Huwag tamad.

Philippine Daily Inquirer
Kapag minamasdan ko ang front page n’yo noong Sabado, nalulungkot ako. Hindi ko talaga matanggap ang inyong katangahan. Buhusan ng holy water ang taong may kasalanan. Kung hindi n’yo ito gagawin, mauulit ‘yan bago matapos ang taon.

Kris Aquino
Ay, nand’yan ka pa pala. Akala ko kasi iiwan mo na ang shows mo. Hindi tuloy ako nakapaghanda ng hula para sa ‘yo. Next time ka na lang. Thanks.
———————————————–
“There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as “nutty methods.” Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as ‘a complete waste of time.’”
~ Scott Adams

Sound Bites
“I strongly criticize the New People’s Army’s military action on Mayor Ruthie Guingona’s convoy that resulted in the death and injury of civilians. What happened is wrong and unacceptable
~Senatorial candidate Teddy Casiño

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo Credit: Philippine Daily Inquirer]

INFLUENTIAL

PRESIDENT AQUINO was named one of TIME magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world. In other news, his PR team has been named one of the world’s most convincing.

Congratulations to President Aquino for being named one of the most influential people in the world. On May 13, we’ll know if he’s also one of the most influential people in the Philippines.

President Aquino was named one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine. Not to be outdone, Nancy Binay was named one of the most influential people in the world by Good Housekeeping.

Erap’s Birthday
Former President Joseph Estrada celebrated his 76th birthday Friday, April 19. Erap’s birthday wish? Peace, love and harmony. Or as JV and Jinggoy would say, “Unrealistic, impossible, No way!”

Joseph Estrada hosted a party on his 76 birthday. A magician was invited to provide entertainment. Erap had so much fun. He asked the magician to make Alfredo Lim disappear.

Sizzling Summer
On Friday, April 19, PAGASA recorded the year’s hottest day yet in Metro Manila. It was so hot yesterday people stood next to Customs personnel just to be near something shady.

Catholic Vote
Anti-RH Law senatorial candidate Mitos Magsaysay said, “If I win, that proves that there is a Catholic vote.” I can’t wait to disprove that.
Boston Bombing Suspects
On Friday night (Manila time), 26-year-old Tamerlan Tsarnaev, one of the suspects in the Boston marathon bombings, was killed by authorities. The second suspect, Tamerlan’s 19-year-old brother Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was nabbed after almost 24 hours of manhunt. The FBI wanted Dzhokhar alive so they could him ask how to correctly pronounce his name.

Boston bombing suspect No. 2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was caught alive by authorities. Sought for comment, Tsarnaev said, “I am just relieved this didn’t happen in Manila.”

New Planets
NASA astronomers have announced the discovery of three new planets considered to be “the most Earth-like.” To which, Imee Marcos asked, “Do they have banks out there?”

Reports say astronomers have discovered three Earth-like worlds. That’s great news for single people. Your odds of finding a partner just shot up.

Penis Size
According to an online report titled, “Average Penis Size by Country,” the average size of manhood in the Philippines is 4.2 inches. Even Filipino women were like, “Come on! That’s too big!”
—————————————————-
“Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.”
~Albert Schweitzer

Sound Bites
“I am now convinced that my stem cell therapy is effective. I feel 20 years younger.”
~Ernesto Maceda, former Senate President

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Reuters/AP unless specified)

EXCLUSIVE: NANCY AND VICE

VICE PRESIDENT Binay likened his daughter and senatorial candidate Nancy Binay to the late former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady and the Flat Iron Lady.

Don’t get me wrong. The previous punchline may have sounded condescending but it was not my intention to be mean or biased. So let me categorically state that I have nothing, absolute nothing personal against… flat irons.

IN THE INTEREST of fairness, we invited Nancy Binay to answer some of the questions sent by the readers. But since she’s very busy, she agreed to answer only 3 questions. For this short interview, we’ll have Vice Ganda as host.

Magandang hapon po Madam Nancy.

Alam mo favorite kita.

Unang buka pa lang ng bibig, nambobola na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-greet muna?

Totoo ‘yon! Favorite talaga kita. You remind me of my dad.

Ohhhh my gaaad. Gano’n ba ako kaitim?

Hindiiii! Kasi… pareho kayong Vice.

In fairness, puma-punchline. Diretso na nga tayo sa mga isyu. Sabi ng dad mo the other day, you remind him daw of Margaret Thatcher. Bakit? Wala bang track record si Thatcher nang maging Prime Minister ng Britain?

Grabe ka naman Vice kung makapanlait.

OA ka huh! Nagtanong lang, laitero na? ‘Di ba pwedeng inquisitive lang muna?

Dapat kasi binasa n’yo nang buo ang news item bago kayo nanghusga.

Ah ganun? Hindi lang binasa nang buo ang balita, judgmental na? ‘Di ba pwedeng busy lang talaga?

Sabi kasi ng dad ko, may anak daw na kambal si Thatcher. Eh ako kasi Vice, meron ding kambal. So ‘yon ang konteksto ng statement niya. Huwag sanang bigyan ng malisya.

Ang layo naman ng narating mo ‘teh. May mention ka na agad ng malisya?! Ano ka sex symbol?

Patawa ka talaga Vice.

Hindi! Paiyak ako. Comedy show nga ito eh so paiyak ako. Heto ang next question: bakit raw umiiwas ka sa mga televised debates. Takot ka raw ba?

Alam mo Vice…

Oo! Alam ko na. Kaya nga ako nagtatanong ‘di ba? Kasi alam ko na ang sasabihin mo. Huwag mo na lang kayang sagutin.

Ikaw kasi! Pinutol mo agad ako. Ito na nga! Hihihi Alam mo Vice…

Paulit-ulit? Walang ibang transitional devices?

Hindi naman sa umiiwas ako sa debate. Kaya lang, busy ako sa kampanya eh. Priority ko ang taumbayan…

So ‘yong ibang candidates na uma-attend sa debate, hindi nila priority ang taumbayan?

Hindi naman sa gano’n.

Kasasabi mo lang eh. So ako na naman ang mali?!? Bingi ako? Gano’n?

Ang sabi ko Vice, priority ko ang taumbayan. PERO NEVER KONG SINABING HINDI SILA PRIORITY NG IBANG MGA KANDIDATO!!!

So galit ka? Kailangang all caps talaga? At may tatlong exclamation points pa?!? Pwes, MAGSIGAWAN NA LANG TAYO! HETO ANG SUSUNOD NA TANONG KO. MAKINIG KA MARGARET THATCHER!

Vice naman. ‘Wag ka namang magalit. Pumayag na nga akong mag-guest dito para magpaliwanag eh. ‘Tsaka exclusive mo ‘to. Konting kalma.

Ayoko ng konti. Gusto ko maraming kalma. Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Heto pa ang isang kalma! At ito naman ang next question ko. Sabi sa ‘yong patalastas, gusto mong maging Nanay De Pamilya sa Senado. Ang tanong ng isang reader natin: ano raw ang gagawin mo sa plenary, magpapa-dede?

Alam mo Vice… kung hindi ikaw ang nagtanong n’yan ma-o-offend ako.

Sige… gusto kong ma-offend ka! Imaginin mo na lang na ako si Korina Sanchez. Tingnan ko lang kung ‘di ka ma-offend! Handa ka na ba? Uulitin ko: “Bilang Nanay De Pamilya sa Senado, anong gagawin mo sa plenary: magpapa-dede?”

Oo! ‘Yun ang gagawin ko! Bakit? Inggit ka? Palibhasa, wala kang…

Ano?!? Wala akong ano?! Wala akong anak?!? Sumagot ka!

Vice naman. Ayokong mapaaway.

Hindi ako si Vice. Ako si Korina! Akala mo uurungan kita? Hindi ako natatakot kahit maligno ang tatay mo! Sumagot ka!

Vice… ayoko na talaga. Magwa-walk out na ako. Bye!

Teka lang! Ito naman! Ini-internalize ko pa ang pagiging Ate Koring ko… bigla naman akong nilayasan. Sige na nga, last question: Bakit dapat naming iboto ang isang Nancy Binay ngayong eleksyon?

Alam mo Vice…

Very good! Very nice answer! Thank you very much. Good night!

Wait, hindi pa ako sumasagot! Ang daya naman. Biased ka!

Hindi lang pinatapos biased agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng OT lang talaga?

Bahala ka. Salamat na rin sa time. Goodbye… Korina!

Hooooy! Anong Korina? Ewan ko sa ‘yo… Margaret Thatcher ka!

-End of Interview-

Tax Day
April 15 is that day of the year when everyone hopes to beat the deadline – while Kim Henares prays to beat the target.

I passed by the Batasang Pambansang Complex yesterday and noticed a huge sign that read, “This is where your taxes go.”

For many taxpayers, filling out BIR forms has always been a challenge. You know, fiction writing is not that easy.

Multimedia personality Kris Aquino is the country’s top individual taxpayer. In 2011, she paid the government an income tax of almost 50 million pesos. That huge amount is equivalent to one ex-husband.

“How do I tax thee? Let me count the ways.” – Bureau of Internal Revenue

White Vote Movement
Apparently, El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde and his ‘White Vote Movement’ have endorsed senatorial candidates for the coming elections. And even God was like, “O, wala akong kinalaman d’yan huh!”

Some people believe in the so-called ‘Catholic vote.’ I don’t. But I think there exists an ‘utu-uto’ vote.

It’s already 2013. I’m appalled that millions still believe Mike Velarde.

Bro. Mike Velarde’s taste in suits is reason enough for me not to be influenced by his political endorsements.

Bb. Pilipinas 2013
A University of the Philippines-Los Baños graduate won the Miss Universe-Philippines crown in the recently concluded Bb. Pilipinas pageant. The results stunned Ariella Arida, a chemistry major. You should have seen her reaction!
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“No man undertakes a trade he has not learned, even the meanest; yet every one thinks himself sufficiently qualified for the hardest of all trades- that of government.”
~Socrates

Sound Bites
“Hindi mo pwedeng paghiwalayin ang simbahan at ang pamahalaan sapagkat ako po ay ipinanganak na Katoliko.”
~Mitos Magsaysay on being endorsed by Mike Velarde

Be vigilant. Be safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

BOXERS

CITING JAMBY MADRIGAL’s tough stance against corruption, President Aquino likened her to boxer Mike Tyson. Dear Mr. President, Kesyo Jamby Madrigal, Mike Tyson agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng Laila Ali muna?”

Donaire Loses
The Filipino Flash, Nonito Donaire Jr. lost his WBA super bantamweight title to Cuba’s Guillermo Rigondeaux. Reporters are verifying rumors that Donaire recently changed his religion.

Before Sunday’s fight, Donaire was undefeated for 12 long years – which was really nothing compared to the Binays of Makati who are undefeated for 26 years.

Just last week, Brian Viloria lost his fight. This week, Nonito Donaire was beaten. They say it comes in threes. Jamby Madrigal is worried.

According to Compubox, Rigondeaux landed 129 of 396 punches while Donaire, who tasted his first defeat in 30 fights landed only 82 of 352 punches. Moral of the story: Do not eat fries. Fries are unhealthy; bad for the body.

After 12 rounds, all three judges scored the bout for Rigondeaux: 114-113, 115-112, and 116-111. The decision of the board of judges is final unless the Supreme Court of the Philippines intervenes and issues a status quo ante order.

For Filipino boxing fans, the fight was excruciating to watch. The only thing more excruciating was Dyan Castillejo’s live annotation and analysis.

The Donaire-Rigondeaux fight lasted 12 rounds. ABS-CBN’s commercials lasted 12 days.

Top 7 Reactions to Nonito Donaire Jr’s Loss

No. 7: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “Baka shabihin ng preshidente n’yo, kashalanan ko na naman ‘yan. Shumoshobra na sha!”

No. 6: Jackie Enrile: “Grabe ang ginawa ng kalaban niya. Demolition job!”

No. 5: Chiz Escudero: “Natalo man, hindi man napanatili ang korona, sa tingin ko ay hindi ‘yon dahilan para yurakan ang kanyang pagkatao.”

No. 4: Cynthia Villar: “Hindi ko kilala si Rigondeaux. Pero hindi naman kailangang gano’n kapopular para manalo ka.”

No. 3: Nancy Binay: “Wala akong oras para mag-react. Busy po ako sa kampanya. Magre-react na lang ako sa privilege speech ko sa Senado.”

No. 2: ER Ejercito “Hindi lang boksingero si Rigondeaux. Cuban rin siya. At hindi siya basta-bastang Cubano! Gold medalist siya sa 2000 Olympics! Gold medalist siya sa 2004 Olympics!”

And the No. 1 reaction to Donaire’s loss…

Migz Zubiri: “Nakausap ko po si Nonito mismo after the fight. Inamin po niya sa akin na isa siyang battered boxer.”

Quick Count
According to the Commission on Elections, the winners in the May 13 polls will likely be known within 48 hours. Unless of course the elections are held in Imus, Cavite which takes three years or more to determine the winner.

North vs. South
North Korea threatened to launch missiles aimed at South Korea. As a preemptive measure, South Korea launched Psy’s second single, ‘Gentleman.’
—————————————
“Boxers, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.”
~(Irish) Wayne Kelly

Sound Bites
“I apologize. I have no excuse. He beat me tonight. I gave it all I got. I never studied the fight and I should have.”
~Nonito Donaire Jr.

Personal
NBA legend Kobe Bryant will be out for 9 months. He just had a successful surgery to repair his torn left Achilles’ tendon. Get well soon Black Mamba!

Have a safe week everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

LET THERE BE LIGHT (2013)

ANOTHER DOSE of light bulb jokes for the weekend. Enjoy!

Q: How many Franklin Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to hold the ladder. (Careful!)

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to slam the previous administration for the old, overpriced bulb.

Q: How many Toby Tiangcos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but on condition that you’ll first identify the group who paid for the new bulb.

Q: How many Jackie Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. She’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Teddy Casiños does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to criticize the government for approving the power rate hike.

Q: How many political dynasties does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll insist that there’s nothing wrong with the bulb.

Q: How many politicians and DPWH officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change it, another to change it again, and one more to change it for the third time even if the bulb is still working.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But he’ll ask the other senators to do it in exchange for bonuses.

Q: How many JV Ejercitos, Imee Marcoses and Manny Villars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Secret.

Q: How many Migz Zubiris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll quit the job halfway.

Q: How many Aga Muhlachs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Is he even a resident of the house?

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to change it, two to speak against the old bulb, and one to just quietly sit there and wonder why the changing of the bulbs has to be aired live on TV.

Q: How many Ongpaucos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen: 7 to change it, and 8 to reverse it.

Q: How many Catholic bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They refuse to accept change.

Q: How many South Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who needs artificial light when you have thousands of Moons and Suns?

Q: How many Mindanaoans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What for? They don’t have electricity.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Bakit pa? Wala naman silang kuryente.

Q: How many Ricky Los does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why not change it yourself?

Q: How many PUP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to burn the old bulb.

Q: How many UST students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it, one to write an editorial praising UST’s superiority over Ateneans and La Sallians when it comes to changing light bulbs.

Q: How many Kiefer Ravenas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to assist and one to change it.

Q: How many UP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100: one – to lift another so he could change the light bulb, and 98 to cheer them on.

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “I’m sorry pare but I’m busy with my new car eh. What’s a light bulb pare?”
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“You have to find what sparks a light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“Before I die, I want to say that the one who killed my son is Jackie Enrile.”
~Retired Navy Capt. Ernesto Lucas, father of 19-year-old Ernest Jr. who was allegedly killed by Jackie Enrile in 1975

Have a great weekend!

[Photos: YahooPh]

TAXES, THATCHER, TASTELESS

APRIL 15 is the deadline for the filing of income tax returns. The tax season reminds us of two things. One, ordinary citizens’ money goes to the government, and two, politicians’ money goes to the British Virgin Islands.

Government employees – including elected officials are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth or SALNs on April 15 – otherwise known as “Test of Honesty Day.”

Government officials and employees are required to submit their 2012 SALNs on or before April 15. I heard that Manny Villar, JV Ejercito and Imee Marcos have filled out their SALN forms as early as April 8. Under liabilities, they wrote, “PCIJ.”

Nancy Hurting
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay admitted she was hurt by a scathing Philippine Daily Inquirer editorial titled, “Unqualified.” Nancy said the attacks were “vicious” and were part of a “demolition campaign.” As a rejoinder, the Inquirer is writing another editorial titled, “Whatever.”

The Promise
Weeks after declaring that she’s quitting showbiz, presidential sister Kris Aquino is still in showbiz. She’s not keeping her promise. It all points to a successful career in politics.

Drag
Classified documents acquired by Wikileaks revealed that former President Marcos organized a birthday party in 1973 in which military generals were ordered by Imelda Marcos to perform in a “tasteless” show wearing women’s clothes. Mrs. Marcos categorically denied that General Ver’s ‘Cher costume’ was tasteless.

Church Attendance
A recent Social Weather Stations survey showed that the number of Filipino Catholics who regularly attend Sunday Catholic mass had dropped to only 37 percent. The rest were ‘enlightened.’

According to the latest SWS survey, 9.2 percent of Filipinos consider leaving the Catholic Church – “sometimes.” The others consider it all the time.

The latest SWS survey showed that only 37 percent of Filipino Catholics attend Sunday mass regularly. UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco questioned the results of the study and challenged the SWS to identify the financiers of the survey.

Margaret Thatcher, 87
Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is dead. In a few weeks, the Iron Lady will be in an advanced state of corrosion.

Margaret Thatcher is dead. Can we now invade the Falkland Islands?

Just weeks after the passing of Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez, Britain’s Margaret Thatcher died. They say it comes in threes. Well, Ruffy Biazon’s days at the Bureau of Customs are numbered.

More Attractive
Size does matter. Australian researchers revealed that men with a larger penis were rated as being “relatively more attractive” to women. At 53, President Aquino is still single. Wala lang. Promise, wala talaga.
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“There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein

Sound Bites
“Bakit naka-schedule sa tag-init ang kampanya para sa election? Dahil dito napapatunayan kung anong klaseng pulitiko ang nangangampanya. Kung matunaw sila sa init, ibig sabihin plastic sila. Kung masunog sila sa araw, ibig sabihin mapapel sila. At kung mahilig silang magbilad sa araw, malamang buwaya sila.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on politicians

Beat the heat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

QUIZTIONS FOR SENATORIABLES ATBP.

POLITICAL AND PERSONAL questions that wouldn’t possibly be asked in televised debates and forums. Enjoy!

Nancy Binay
You refused to debate Risa Hontiveros and were quoted to have said, “The best forum for us to have the debate – on the Senate floor.” Question: What is the etymology of the word ‘presumptuous?’

Risa Hontiveros
Persistent rumors say you are dating political adviser Ronald Llamas. What is wrong with you?

JV Ejercito
According to the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, you have a secret account in the British Virgin Islands. Why are we not surprised? Elaborate.

Loren Legarda
You’ve been loveless for seven years now while actress T’ya Pusit, 64 is going to marry her 27-year-old boyfriend next year. Write a 100-word essay on this topic: “Bakit mapagbiro si Mother Nature?”

Ricardo Penson
You had been married four times and separated four times. When will you divorce your current partner?

Antonio Trillanes
Despite being detained at Camp Crame a few years back, your travel expenses were the highest among senators. Tanong: Where did you learn astral projection and how far did it take you?

Cynthia Villar
Complete this line from poet, satirist, and lawyer John Donne: “No man is an… ”
A: Island in the Caribbean
B: British Virgin Islands

Tingting Cojuangco
Harper’s Bazaar once named you as one of the world’s 100 most beautiful women. What happened?

Teddy Casiño
What is the relevance, if at all, of the New People’s Army in today’s world?

Ernesto Maceda
Some people describe you as a ‘trapo.’ If recent surveys are accurate, you’re going to lose in the coming elections. How do you want us to celebrate?

Bro. Eddie Villanueva
You’ve lost your presidential bid twice. You’re not performing well in surveys. Why is God doing this to you?

Grace Poe
Phone-in question: Kung nais n’yong ipagpatuloy ang nasimulan ni FPJ, bakit hindi po kayo nag-action star?

Sonny Angara
Your father had been romantically linked to Sen. Loren Legarda. Tanong: Naniniwala ka ba sa kasabihang “Kapag may usok, may apoy?” If not, bahala ka.

ER Ejercito
In a recent interview, you said, “Hindi lang ako governor; artista rin ako. At hindi ako basta-bastang artista; ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!” For 30 seconds, rearrange the letters in the phrase “A DULL NOISE” to form a word that best describes you.

Joseph Estrada and Alfredo Lim
Naging saksi ang publiko sa batuhan n’yo ng putik at nakawiwindang na mga rebelasyon sa isyu ng droga, babae, sugal, krimen, at iba pa. Kung pagtitiwalaan pa rin kayo ng mga taga-Maynila, ano ang problema nila?

Generic Questions for All Candidates
Sa buong buhay n’yo ba ay NEVER kayong nagbulsa unlawfully ni isang kusing mula sa buwis ng taumbayan? Kung hindi, sinong niloko n’yo?

Milyun-milyong piso na ang nagagastos mo sa kampanya. Sa paanong paraan mo ito babawiin? Lagyan ng check ang mga posibleng sagot:
_____ Komisyon sa pork barrel
_____ Drug lords, jueteng lords, illegal loggers, at iba pang criminal elements
_____ Lobby money mula sa mga grupong may vested interests
_____ Big time bonus mula sa Senate president
_____ Wala akong planong bawiin ang nagastos sa kampanya. Patunay lamang ito na tapat ang aking hangaring makapaglingkod sa aking kapwa. Jooooke!

DID YOU MISS PART 1 of QUIZTION SENATORIABLES EDITION? Click here.
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“Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and The Muppets would take seats in the Senate.”
~Orson Welles

Sound Bites
“Ang cedula ay isang bagay na hindi na kailangan ngayon. Spanish time pa ‘yan! Pwede kang kumuha ng cedula at any time sa ilalim ng tulay, kung saan-saan at minsan nakakakuha ka pa ng cedula na walang pangalan, at hindi filled-up.”
~BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo Credit: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Blogger Manila, Philippine Star]