BUCKETS AND TRAINS

1 09 2014

1
DOTC SECRETARY Joseph Emilio Abaya took an MRT ride last week from Ortigas to North EDSA station around 1PM, an off-peak hour and on the first coach reserved for women, children, the disabled, and the elderly. For trumpeting that it was “a pleasant ride” which he enjoyed, Mr. Secretary got flak from the public. Abaya quickly denied he was insulting the intelligence of commuters. Yeah. He just assumed they didn’t have any.

During an off-peak hour, DOTC Secretary Joseph Abaya and his bodyguards took an MRT ride last week on the first coach reserved for women, children, the disabled, and the elderly. The train-riding public railed against it.

1PA
Deputy presidential spokesman Abigail Valte also took the MRT Rush Hour Challenge Monday morning. She stood in line for 37 long minutes — which was nothing compared to the time she spends every morning standing in front of the mirror.

According to deputy presidential spokesman Abigail Valte, presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda was with her when she took that train ride Monday morning. Apparently, Lacierda did not upload even a single photo of him while taking the MRT Rush Hour Challenge – totally depriving netizens of a good material for memes.

Senate Hearing
These days, MRT officials say, train riders wait in line for at least 30 minutes before they could get a ride. Or 30 seconds if their name is Joseph Emilio Abaya.

In today’s Senate hearing, MRT officials say part of the proposed rehab plan is the installation of free wi-fi at MRT-3 so that commuters waiting for trains can use their gadgets. The proposal was lauded by gamers, Internet addicts, and thieves.

1MCORRMakati City Hall 2
Senators and valuation experts conducted an ocular inspection of the controversial and allegedly overpriced Makati City Hall 2 building in Makati City Monday morning. Before the senators arrived, some Makati residents gathered in front of the building to show their support for the Binays. One resident held a placard that said, “Walang corrupt sa Makati.” In totally unrelated news, wala na raw Katoliko sa Vatican City.

Unfriend
Makati City Rep. Abby Binay says her erstwhile close pal, Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano has “unfriended” her on Facebook. And things got worse between the two camps when Vice President Binay accessed the late senator Rene Cayetano’s old Friendster account and deleted his testimonial.

1
Congresswoman Abby Binay says Mayor Lani Cayetano has “unfriended” her on Facebook. Despite this development, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano has no plans of unfriending Sen. Nancy Binay because he subscribes to the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Book 2
Almost two years after the release of his memoirs, suspended senator Juan Ponce Enrile is reportedly writing a second book. Critics expect the book to top the Bestsellers List – Fiction category.

1FD#IceBucketChallenge
Sen. Franklin Drilon took the Ice Bucket Challenge in the Senate Monday. Although he accepted the challenge, he vowed to still donate a portion of his huge DAP allocation to charity.

On Monday morning, buckets of water were poured over the head of Sen. Franklin Drilon as he took the Ice Bucket Challenge. Moments later, Maynilad warned its customers of a looming water supply shortage.

Senator Drilon accepted the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise awareness on the importance of water conservation.

1Mega Move
Actress Sharon Cuneta has decided to terminate her billion-peso contract with TV5. Reports say the Megastar was happy with her decision – but TV5 was happier.

Three years after signing a five-year [rumored] billion-peso contract with TV5, actress Sharon Cuneta has severed ties with the Kapatid Network. Sources say it wasn’t an easy decision. The Megastar will leave the network with a heavy heart, hips, arms, and thighs.
——————————————————————————-
“Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“Ang tanong ko lang d’yan, by riding the train or in fact mag-ice challenge ako sa MRT 3 train na rush hour, do I solve the problem by doing that? Do I?”
~DOTC Sec. Joseph Emilio Abaya

Poll Results
1

Have a great September!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: 24Oras, @Abi_Valte, ANC, ABS-CBN News, GMA News/Benjie Castro, TV5]





EXCLUSIVE: CONVERSATION WITH A CAKE

28 08 2014

IT’S BEEN in the news for two weeks now. Detractors accuse the Binays of profiting not just from an alleged overpriced car park building but from thousands of cakes being given to the city’s geriatric citizens who are celebrating their birthdays and golden wedding anniversaries. Reports say the city hall spends almost P20 million pesos on cakes alone.

In the interest of fair reporting, we tried our best to get the side of Makati City Hall. Luckily, one cake agreed to be interviewed on condition that the celebrator won’t be identified. Here’s the transcript of our conversation.

1ck
Good morning Ms. Cake!

Ms Cake?!? May gender na pala ang food ngayon? Hindi ako na-inform.

Ok, Cake na lang. Sorry naman. Kumusta ka na?

Heto, sweet pa rin.

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Diretsahan na. Since taga-Makati City ka, totoo bang si Nancy Binay ang nagbi-bake ng cake na ipinamimigay sa mga matatanda ng lungsod?

That’s preposterous!

Wow, anong ibig sabihin no’n?

Sige, iba na lang. That’s unfair! Paninira lang po ‘yan kay Ma’am Nancy. Ang totoo po n’yan, sinubukan niya talagang mag-OJT sa gawaan ng cake ng Makati. Kaya lang, hindi talaga niya forte ang pagluluto. Laging sunog ang finished product.

Wait lang. Konting ingat sa paggamit ng mga salita. Baka maakusahan ka ng pangungutya sa panlabas na anyo. So, wala ring katotohanan ang tsismis na siya ang in-charge sa pamamahagi ng cakes?

Not that I know of. Kung totoo man, wala akong ebidensya. Ang alam ko lang, malakas daw siyang kumain ng cake.

Talaga? Anong flavor ang paborito niya?

Black Forest.

‘Yan ka na naman! Tigilan mo na sabi ‘yang patama sa kulay niya. Eh si Mayor Junjun, mahilig ba sa cake?

Nope. Iba ang trip no’n. Brownies.

Nabanggit ba ng mga Binay kung bakit kayo ang ipinamimigay sa mga senior citizens? Pwede namang basket of fresh fruits ‘di ba?

Para ka namang tanga. Birthday no’ng matanda, tapos prutas ang ibibigay mo? Cake dapat! Ang prutas, pwede nilang bilhin sa tabi ng kalye; nagkalat lang. Pero ang cake, mahal. Alin sa tingin mo ang mas maa-appreciate ng mga residente ng Makati? Siyempre cake! ‘Tsaka kung prutas ang ibibigay mo, hindi ka pa sure kung maasim o matamis ito. Eh kung cake ‘yan, iba ang dating. Sweet si Mayor. Plus 50 Pogi points!

Pero ‘di ba unhealthy ang cakes sa mga matatanda?

I know. But at their age, why worry?

Ang mean mo naman.

On the contrary, marami akong napapaligayang matatanda. Kung may reklamo ka sa pagiging unhealthy namin, sabihin mo kay Mayor. ‘Wag mo akong pinupulitika.

Wow! Mr. Vice President ikaw ba ‘yan? Anyway, usung-uso ang Ice Bucket Challenge ngayon. Si VP, ni-reject na ang challenge. Sa tingin mo ba, papayag sina Junjun at Nancy?

I don’t think so. Ang dinig ko mas gusto nilang gawin ang Icing Bucket Challenge.

Icing? Ang gastos naman no’n.

Ok lang! World class icing naman ang gagamitin. ‘Tsaka hindi lang naman isang buhos ang gagawin. May Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3 hanggang Phase 5.

Sosyal! So, magkano raw ang idu-donate nila?

P2.7 billion.

Yamaaan! Iba talaga kapag Makati. Sana matuloy! Sanga pala, may ipapakita akong ilang pictures ng mga taong nag-Ice Bucket Challenge. Ano kayang masasabi mo? Unahin na natin ang matinding kalaban ng mga Binay – si Sec. Mar Roxas.

1MR
Hmmm… wala naman akong masabi sa pagiging consistent niya. Pati gamit na timba, blue!

Heto naman ang kaibigan ni Secretary Mar na si Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima.

1CP
La Salle?! ‘k.

Oo nga pala. UP graduate ang mga Binay. Lastly, anong masasabi mo kay Secretary Leila De Lima?

1ldl
Unfair talaga ‘yang si De Lima. Dala-dalawa ang timba n’ya! Makatarungan ba ‘yan? At ang lakas ng loob niya huh! Other officials pail in comparison.

Bago tayo magtapos, kailangang maglaro muna tayo. Noong makausap ko ang payong ng iyong mayor last year, naglaro siya ng ganito kaya’t obligado ka ring gawin ito ngayon. Mga readers lang natin ang makakaalam ng ating mystery word. Ikaw ang huhula. Your timer starts now. [MYSTERY WORD: “Junjun”]

Bagay?

Hindi.

Lugar?

Hindi!

Animal?

Pwede.

Tao?

Oo!

Hayop na… tao pa?!? Ano ‘yon, Hello Kitty?!

Hindi!

Tao?

Oo nga!

Malaki?

Sakto lang.

Makati City Hall Car Park??

Sabi ko tao; hindi gusali!

Maliit?

Parang.

Maputi?

Ha-ha Hindi!

Maitim?

Pwede.

Brownish?

Oo!

‘Di kalakihan tapos brownish?

Oo.

Choco roll?

TAO NGA EH!!!! Ang kulit.

Kilala ko?

Oo!

Close sa akin?

Of course!

Panadero?

Hindi!

Pulitiko?

Oo!

Brownish na pulitiko??

Oo!

Joey Salceda!

Hindi!

Lalaki ba?

Oo.

Ay, sorry. Lalaki nga pala. Maliit?

Paulit-ulit????? Oo!

Pulitikong maliit?? Alam ko na! Herbert Bautista!!!!

Hindi! Sayang, time’s up na. Hindi mo nahulaan. Anyway, ano na lang ang message mo sa mga Binay?

Kay Mayor Junjun… maraming salamat po sa pagbibigay n’yo sa amin ng chance na magpasaya ng matatanda sa Makati. Huwag po kayong susuko. Alam naming pinupulitika lamang kayo. Inggit lang ‘yang mga taga-Taguig dahil wala silang milyones na budget para sa cake.

Kay Vice President Binay naman… Kapag nanalo ba kayong presidente sa 2016, bibigyan n’yo rin ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po no’n. Tiba-tiba! Jooooke!

And lastly, kay Ma’am Nancy, miss ka na po namin. Mula kasi nang manalo kayong senador, bihira na kayong dumaan sa bakery. Good luck po sa inyong bagong trabaho d’yan sa Senado. Just dough it!

Ikaw lang ang Cake na madaldal. Ang haba naman ng messages mo. Ano ito, awards night?

Mas mahaba pa rin ang interview na ‘to! ‘Di pa ba tayo tapos?

Ang bilis mo namang mapagod!

Eh kasi nga mataas ang sugar ko.

Sweet!
———————————————————————————————–
“I’d choose truth over cake but I’d try to find a way to get both to be honest.”
~Craig Benzine

Sound Bites
“Sanay akong humarap sa mga kaso na pawang isinampa ng mga tinalo namin sa halalan. At nais kong ulitin na hanggang ngayon, wala akong kaso sa Sandiganbayan.”
~Vice President Binay

Have a fun and safe weekend!

[Photos: UnsealingTheManilaEnvelopeBlog, ANC ]

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PAC OF ALL TRADES

25 08 2014

1M
EIGHT-TIME WORLD champion and incumbent Sarangani representative Manny Pacquiao has been drafted in the PBA by the team that earlier named him as coach. The world class boxer-turned actor-turned politician-turned TV host-turned motivational speaker-turned cager will suit up as KIA’s playing coach. That explains why TV5’s latest programming puts the PBA under the category ‘Sitcom.’

Manny Pacquiao was drafted by the PBA in the first round. Or as some PBA fans would call it, “Foul!”

Incumbent Sarangani representative Manny Pacquiao is now officially a PBA player. PBA viewers should expect more fun, laughter, and Chavit Singson.

At the PBA Rookie Draft on Sunday, KIA also picked Manny’s cousin, the unheralded Rene Pacquiao. Observers believe he was chosen only because of Manny’s influence and popularity. Rene Pacquiao is the Nancy Binay of the PBA.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao has been officially drafted by the PBA. Vice Governor Jinkee Pacquiao was so ecstatic her face almost moved.

1PINo to Pork
A protest action pushing for a People’s Initiative against all forms of pork barrel was held at the Quirino Grandstand on National Heroes Day. Police say some 5,000 people joined the rally but Bayan Muna’s Renato Reyes insists nearly 20,000 showed up. Bayan Muna challenged President Aquino to sign the People’s Initiative. But Aquino refused so he was compelled to make a donation of 100 dollars for ALS research.

MRT-3
After suspending services last Saturday, MRT-3 has resumed its “normal” operations. Again, MRT-3 is back to normal. So expect delays, glitches and more service interruptions.

MRT-3 suspended its operations last Saturday after its “communications system” bogged down. Malacañang’s spokespersons accused MRT-3 of having no originality.

Overtaxed
According to the Tax Management Association of the Philippines, Filipinos pay the highest taxes in Southeast Asia. The same study also revealed that Filipino politicians were the happiest in the region.

Teacher vs. Student
A teacher in Talisay City, Negros Occidental allegedly slapped an unruly student five times. Parents of the unidentified student are seeking the support of her classmates while the unidentified teacher is expecting the support of Rodrigo Duterte.

1CEHeart and Chiz
Sen. Chiz Escudero, 44 and Heart Evangelista, 29 are now engaged. And President Aquino was like, “‘Ka-pressure!”

#IceBucketChallenge
On Monday, newscaster Korina Sanchez accepted the Ice Bucket Challenge. When a pail of ice water was poured over her head, Korina suddenly realized there’s something colder than her husband Mar.

Last Sunday, TV host Kris Aquino took the Ice Bucket Challenge LIVE on The Buzz. It was a double success. The ALS Association got their donation and Kris Aquino got the people’s attention.
—————————————————————————————
“But that’s the thing about basketball: you don’t play games on paper.”
~Bill Simmons

1JCSound Bites
“Me, in Binay’s pocket? I will have my head chopped off before a live audience by anyone who can prove that! Life is too short to waste on sucking up to a dynasty that I’m bent on crushing. No to Binay in 2016! Quote me, please!”
~Activist Mae Paner a.k.a. Juana Change

“Ang focus namin ay reporma, at ang term extension ay hindi reporma. Usaping pulitika ‘yan. Mas mahalaga sa amin ang repormang nakaaapekto sa mga mamamayan.”
~Karina Constantino-David on the launch of Koalisyon ng Mamamayan Para sa Reporma (KOMPRe)

Poll Results
1SS

Have a safe and productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @PBAonTV5, Philippine Star, GMA 7, Rappler, @Peachybrets,]





ICE BUCKETS, CAKES, AND SEX VIDEOS

22 08 2014

1JB
A CERTAIN Attorney Renato Bondal told the Senate blue ribbon committee that Makati City built an “overpriced car park building.” Mayor Junjun Binay vehemently denied that it was… a car park building.

On the issue of the alleged overpriced Makati City Hall 2 building, Mayor Junjun Binay appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee Wednesday. To be fair to Junjun, he kept his composure. And though it wasn’t that obvious, yes, he was grilled.

1Cakes
During the hearing, Attorney Bondal also accused Mayor Junjun of overspending on cakes for Makati City’s senior citizens. Bondal brought with him three commercial cake samples for comparison. But senators reminded the lawyer that the inquiry was called to shed light on the overpriced building only. Bondal was not allowed to have his cake and eat it too.

It was also revealed during the hearing that Mayor Junjun Binay’s house has an elevator… totally disproving rumors that Junjun moves from one floor to another using a high-tech umbrella.

Reacting to the grilling of her brother Junjun Binay by her fellow senators, Sen. Nancy Binay said she felt some lawmakers wanted to put an M for ‘magnanakaw’ on her forehead. In response, the senators said Nancy was completely wrong. They actually wanted to put an “OA” on her forehead.

For Binay
Former senator Butz Aquino, Sen. Bam Aquino’s father Paul Aquino and Tita Cory’s brother Peping Cojuangco are reportedly supporting the 2016 presidential bid of Vice President Jejomar Binay. Sought for reaction, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas said, “Tell me something I don’t know.”

1LA
#IceBucketChallenge
It’s the latest craze in social media. The #IceBucketChallenge aims to raise awareness and funds to fight amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or ALS otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. In one version of the challenge, the nominated person must donate $10 if he poured the bucket of ice water on his head. If not, he has to donate $100. Janet Lim-Napoles has expressed interest in accepting the challenge but she wanted a 40 percent cut.

Rumors say President Aquino has been dared by his Cabinet to do the #IceBucketChallenge. And then the Cabinet members realized, “Of course, he’ll pull it off! Could anything be colder than his love life?”

After accepting the #IceBucketChallenge, the Liberal Party nominated Mar Roxas – mainly because the party is left with no other choice.

In the Philippines, a couple of celebrities have accepted the #IceBucketChallenge: award-winning artist Lea Salonga and college hoopster Kiefer Ravena. In Kiefer’s video, he was shown shaking after getting drenched. La Sallians were not convinced though. They believe he’s just flopping.

A similar campaign is being considered in the Philippines. To raise awareness on graft and corruption, a bucket of boiling water will be poured over the heads of corrupt government officials. Exciting!

Brave
A woman with a fully-loaded caliber 45 was arrested by members of the Presidential Security Group after attempting to get through Malacañang Gate 3 Friday afternoon. Reports said the woman was looking for President Aquino. The President was flattered. That was the closest he could get to having a stalker.

1Human Error
DOTC officials concluded that the recent MRT train accident was caused by “human error.” Otherwise known as scapegoat.

According to DOTC officials, the recent MRT train accident was caused by “human error” – the same reason why those DOTC officials got their job in the first place.

DOTC officials will file administrative charges against two train drivers and two personnel from the control center for “gross neglect and inefficiency in the performance of official functions.” And the train drivers and control personnel were like, “Look who’s talking!?!”

1JBRated X
Part 2 of newsman Paolo Bediones’s sex video is reportedly being shared online. Bediones has since apologized to his home network, and to Hayden Kho for ‘copyright infringement.’
——————————————————————————
“Money amassed either serves us or rules us.”
~Horace

Sound Bites
“Kawawa ang kapatid ko. The senators have the upper hand. Trial court ba ito? Ang feeling ko kulang na lang, ‘yong mga kasamahan ko ukitan ako dito sa noo ko ng M, magnanakaw.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

“There’s no truth to it. It doesn’t affect me.”
~Sen. Grace Poe on rumors that Ferdinand Marcos and Rosemarie Sonora (Susan Roces’s sister) are her real parents

Have a safe long weekend!

[Photos: Adam Levine, Philippine Daily Inquirer, ABS-CBN News, DZMM, PEP]





OF JOBS, JOKES AND SHRIMPS

19 08 2014

1jr
NEARLY 26 PERCENT of Filipino adults were without jobs in June according to a survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations. Those Filipinos have done nothing and haven’t accomplished anything in recent months. In fact, they have a nickname for themselves: congressmen.

Almost 26 percent of Filipino adults are without jobs at present and are looking for work. To be fair, these Filipinos wanted to actually work and are eager to accomplish things. Unlike those people in charge of the MRT.

I have a couple more jokes about unemployed Filipinos. But I was afraid they wouldn’t work.

1PAFocus
In an event Monday, President Aquino took a swipe at those who were already campaigning ahead of the 2016 elections. The President said Filipinos should focus their attention instead on some of the nation’s biggest problems. When the audience heard this, they stared at the President.

Dare
In a press statement, Isabela Representative Rodito Albano dared President Aquino to take the MRT to “experience the suffering” of his bosses. Albano drafted the statement while aboard his multimillion-peso luxury vehicle.

Malacañang rejected Albano’s challenge for President Aquino to ride the congested MRT… not because of security issues but because the MRT doesn’t allow smoking.

1LUCLucy
Have you seen the film Lucy? The action-packed Scarlett Johansson-starrer has received mixed reviews from critics. Personally though, I find the silliness entertaining. It also perpetuates the age-old myth that humans use only 10 percent of their brain. Yeah, it’s only a myth unless of course we’re talking about government officials, then it’s probably true.

The Pope
Talking to reporters aboard the papal plane to the Vatican from South Korea, Pope Francis said he’d probably be gone in two or three years. Mar Roxas and the Liberal Party are pushing for a term extension.

Saying he has done his part, Pope Francis (Jorge Bergoglio) believes he’ll probably be gone in two or three years. His youngest sister Krissy Bergoglio became emotional and was caught on cam crying.

1RMShrimps
While hosting an event in Davao City, comedian Ramon Bautista joked that there were many “babaeng hipon” in the city. The bad news: the feisty Dutertes were offended by the joke. The good news: Ramon made it out of Davao alive.

While hosting an event in Davao City, comedian Ramon Bautista joked that there were many ‘babaeng hipon” in the city. The joke offended Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who was present in the event. Duterte reprimanded the comedian. Ramon was compelled to apologize for insulting describing those women.

Pinoy Pride
Filipino filmmaker Lav Diaz’s five-hour movie, “Mula sa Kung Ano ang Noon” bagged the top prize at the prestigious Locarno Film Festival in Switzerland. While the festival ended last weekend, the jurors are still watching the film until this morning.

1ass
FHM Sex Survey
According to the FHM 2014 National Sex I.Q. Survey in the Philippines, 33 percent of respondents have been criticized by a woman in bed. When sought to elaborate, one respondent declined and said, “Filipinos should focus their attention instead on some of  the nation’s biggest problems.”

The same FHM survey revealed some 65 percent of Filipinos would seriously consider making their own sex tape in the future. The remaining 35 percent can’t wait to download it.
—————————————————————————————————————–
“What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.”
~Angela Davis

City Ordinance of the Year
Congratulations Mandaluyong City for this “super brilliant” idea! You deserve an award. Kayo lang ang nakaisip n’yan! Bravo! [Paid item]
1MC

Sound Bites
“Kapag nagbabasa tayo ng diyaryo araw-araw, tila marami nang nangangampanya. Parang nakalimutan nilang may problema tayo ngayon. Kaya naman ang problema sa 2016 na eleksyon, sa 2016 na iyon. Ngayon, tugunan muna natin ang problemang bumabalot po sa ating sambayanan.”
~President Aquino, August 18, 2014

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: BlogsFT.Com, Gov.Ph, Ramon Bautista, FHM Philippines, Wil Cervantes]





#MakeUpTransformation (Pinoy Politics)

16 08 2014

CRITICS OF THE administration say Noynoy Aquino has failed as president. To which, allies of the President said, “Then, allow him to repeat.”


Liberal Party members who are pushing for the lifting of the president’s single, six-year term limit say President Aquino is still their best candidate for 2016 and Mar Roxas is only their second best. The LP just conceded 2016 to Binay.

In a TV interview, President Aquino reportedly said he’s open to lifting the president’s term limit, amending the Constitution and clipping the powers of the Supreme Court. Every time Noynoy says something about the Constitution these days, Ninoy slaps an angel in heaven.

Other people are saying President Aquino’s recent pronouncements lean toward dictatorship… prompting an angry Ferdinand Marcos to tell his son Bongbong, “C’mon! ‘Di ka ba nai-insecure?”

NETIZENS are having a blast creating and posting #MakeUpTransformation photos. On Friday night, I tweeted two “transformation” pics. I am reposting them here – plus more! Here are my contributions to the latest online craze.

The worst transformation
122

Because the lady is now a…
#1mu

Perhaps the most beautiful transformation of ‘em all
1LL

Dynasty
1BIN

So Sexy
1Sexy

From hero to preso
1BR

An accident waiting to happen
1V

#Sinotto
1Sinotto

The One?
1bsbb

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
1BSMR

Overseas…
Pope Francis is in South Korea for a five-day visit. On Saturday, he beatified 124 Korean martyrs and blessed their seouls.
——————————————————–
“Power changes everything till it is difficult to say who are the heroes and who the villains.”
~Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

Sound Bites
“We need systemic change. That’s more than the capability of one person even if he’s a Superman. And Aquino is not a Superman.”
~Constitutional Commission member Christian Monsod reacting to reports President Aquino is open to a second term

Have a safe week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News, Philippine Star, Interaksyon]





DERAILED

14 08 2014

1JP
DID YOU hear the news about the Aquino administration’s net satisfaction rating and retired Major General Jovito Palparan? Both have fallen.

Public satisfaction with the administration hits a new all-time low: from +45 in March to +29 in June. A worried President Aquino called Budget Sec. Butch Abad and asked if he could consider resigning again.

Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

The military operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When he was finally nabbed in Manila, arresting officers told him, “‘Auf Wiedersehen!’

1Derailed
An MRT train overshot the railway and slammed right into the metal barrier. Reports say at least 36 passengers got injured. President Aquino told CNN it’s fewer than that.

Here’s what happened: Train 1 couldn’t advance to its destination. It was defective. Train 2 stepped in and tried to help push Train 1. The journey started smoothly. However, something wrong happened along the way resulting in Train 1’s crash. Just to be clear, this is a description of the MRT accident last Wednesday not the Noy-Mar tandem in 2010.

For months, analysts have been saying that the MRT has serious problems and that certain officials are at fault. Now that an accident has happened, expect them to cover their tracks.

1
After the near-disaster at the MRT that injured dozens of people, the official Twitter account of DOTC tweeted about a “technical problem” and apologized for the “inconvenience.” The tweet was even more disastrous.

A wayward MRT train overshot the railway and crashed into the metal barrier. What a loco-motive!

The driver of the derailed MRT train is now being investigated. Apparently, he’s still in shock. While being interviewed, he lost his train of thought.

Binay and MVP
Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

Dream On
On Wednesday, suspected plunderer Jinggoy Estrada reiterated he wanted to become the running mate of Vice President Binay in 2016. Binay almost replied, “What part of ‘No!’ don’t you understand?”

1NBINAY
Binay vs. Trillanes
Sen. Antonio Trillanes wants Vice President Binay to face a Senate inquiry on the alleged overpriced car park building in Makati City. An upset Sen. Nancy Binay said, “Hindi n’ya ho ka-level si Senator Trillanes. My father will not stoop down to his level.” When sought for reaction, Trillanes refused to stoop down to Nancy’s level.

Fat
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

According to the same study, there are more fat Filipino women than men – which is understandable since they spend more time in the kitchen. #sexistjoke #sorry

Cheaters
A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
———————————————————
“Every disaster gives a warning before it comes; little or big, there is always a warning!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
1Kristek
~Kris Aquino on ex-boyfriend Herbert Bautista

Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, Zhander Cayabyab/DZMM, DOTC, Aquino and Abunda Tonight]





UNO!

10 08 2014

THE UP Fighting Maroons put an end to a 27-game losing streak in the UAAP on Saturday and the UP community erupted in cheers like it captured a title. Woohoo!

Won a game and there was a bonfire. Paano pa kaya kung championship na ang mapanalunan? Here are the…

Top 10 Things That Would Probably Happen Should UP Win the UAAP Championship

1UPP
10: May semester-long celebration na siguradong magpapataob sa month-long birthday celebration ni Kuya Germs sa ‘Walang Tulugan.’ May libreng reunion concert ang Eraserheads at may “group selfie” ang bawat dadalo with Ely, Raymund, Buddy and Marcus.

9: Taun-taon, special non-working day sa UP System ang araw kung kailan nakamit ang kampeonato. Kung tumapat sa araw ng Linggo, walang pasok ang kasunod na Friday para long weekend.

1BB
8: Lahat ng gradong singko sa semester kung kailan nagwagi ang UP, ibabalik sa kuwatro at bibigyang muli ng pagkakataong mag-take ng removal exam ang estudyante.

7: Ang alumni ng UP na kaanib ng Iglesia ni Cristo… magdo-donate ng bagong gym at training equipment. Pwede nang 1/4 of Philippine Arena ang size ng gym.

1IS
6: Libre for one semester ang fishball, isaw, kikiam, tokneneng, at iba pang street food sa lahat ng UP campuses. Just show your official school ID.

5: Wala nang fraternity hazing. Promise. This time, mawawala na talaga, manalo lang.

4: Suspendido ang tuition sa susunod na semester gayundin ang miscellaneous fees, laboratory fees, student fees, at kung anu-ano pang bayarin. Bilang bonus, libre ang sakay sa UP Ikot at sa mga jeep sa loob ng UP Los Baños for one sem.

3: Magkakaroon ng raffle kung saan sampung estudyante o alumni ang mapalad na magwawagi. Ang mananalo ay bibigyan ng pagkakataong sampalin nang sampung beses ang corrupt politician of his choice. May live coverage ang pagsampal.

1up
2: Ang mga corrupt na alumni ng UP sa gobyerno, ibabalik ang mga ninakaw at aamin sa ginawang kasalanan.

1: Kung hindi aamin, lahat ng corrupt na pulitikong alumni, susunugin sa bonfire sa Sunken Garden. Ang order ng pagsunog ay batay sa Student Number. Mauuna ang pinakamatanda.

Congratulations again UP Fighting Maroons! Naka-UNO na kayo!

1BJIn other news…
Reports have quoted Vice President Binay as saying a Binay-Roxas tandem “is one of the things being considered [for 2016].. You develop unity among political parties.” Their common friends say it’s a good idea; Binay’s critics say it’s a good sound bite.

Slapped
An irate Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista slapped a suspected Chinese drug dealer who was apprehended the other day. But the suspect still managed to smile after realizing he’s so lucky he was nabbed in QC, not in Davao City.

1KPrayerful
Janet Lim-Napoles’s lawyer Stephen David says the suspected pork barrel queen prays 2,000 Hail Marys everyday. Out of habit, 40 to 50 percent of her prayers go out to her lawmaker-friends.

Lawyer Stephen David says his client Janet Lim-Napoles prays 2,000 Hail Marys everyday. Again, 2,000 according to the lawyer! Even Mother Mary was like, “Echosera kang abogado ka!”
————————————————————————–
“First, accept sadness. Realize that without losing, winning isn’t so great.”
~Alyssa Milano

1ESound Bites
“The possible consequences of further international spread are particularly serious in view of the virulence of the virus, the intensive community and health facility transmission patterns, and the weak health systems in the currently affected and most at-risk countries. A coordinated international response is deemed essential to stop and reverse the international spread of Ebola.”
~World Health Organization

UP Fight!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Joel Leporada, Geoffrey Ledesma, GMA News, Kenyon.Edu]





WANNABES

8 08 2014

FOR THE 2016 presidential elections, Liberal Party stalwarts say DILG Sec. Mar Roxas is still their man – ‘coz he’s got a better chance of winning compared to LP’s alternative candidate: no one.

1BJ
President Aquino’s sisters Ballsy and Kris have publicly expressed their support for Vice President Jejomar Binay who is running for president in 2016. But DILG Sec. Mar Roxas is not giving up… until Pinky and Viel have announced their choice.

Reports say Vice President Binay has received “raw” information that the ruling Liberal Party might adopt him as its presidential bet in 2016. Reporters are trying to call the source of the raw information… but Binay won’t answer.

Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he will run for president in 2016 if Vice President Binay is adopted by the Liberal Party. In short, the next elections will probably be a choice between Estrada and Binay. One is a womanizing, graft-tainted, long-serving politician and the other one is Erap.

1TrainCNNStuck
In Perth, Australia, a passenger slipped and got stuck between a train and the platform. Other commuters helped by tilting the train to free the man. Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma said this unfortunate incident could have been avoided if the man took a bus instead.

Contra-SONA
Sen. JV Ejercito is set to deliver a contra-SONA next week. But Jinggoy Estrada insists JV’s counter-SONA doesn’t have the blessings of the Senate’s minority bloc. Ejercito is not surprised by Jinggoy’s reaction since the detained senator has always been contra-kapatid.

Happiness
Pope Francis has released his ‘10 Tips for Happiness.’ The list includes: Tip No. 2 – Be generous; Tip No. 8 – Stop being negative, and Tip No. 10 – Avoid EDSA during rush hour.

The Pope has made public his ‘10 Tips for Happiness.’ Unfortunately, he failed to give a tip on how to handle ‘seen-zoned’ situations on Facebook.

Pinoy Online
According to a recent study, Filipinos spend an average of 6.2 hours online. And that’s just the time spent waiting for the page to load.

1BDMagic
Magician David Blaine is performing live at the Araneta Coliseum soon. In one of his tricks, Blaine will attempt to make a pile of cash (genuine 1,000-peso bills totaling one million) disappear without a trace. And Filipino politicians were like, “We can do better and more than that.”

27!
Reports say the UP Fighting Maroons who recently lost their 27th consecutive game (dating back to 2012) have “low morale” because their coach was suspended. Wait. They have a coach?

New Words
Here’s some good news: Scrabble has added 5,000 new words to its official dictionary. There’s selfie, chillax, frenemy and bromance. And in even better news, there’s no KathNiel.
———————————————————————————————–
“I would rather be a little nobody, than to be an evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Sound Bites
“Parang may value naman ang opinion ko diyan, pero kung totoo, eh di bongga!”
~Kris Aquino on rumors that the LP might adopt Binay as standard bearer

“All I can say is that the spin masters are having their day. There is no such thing. I am a member of the executive committee of the Liberal Party, and there has been no discussion on that.”
~LP leader/Senate President Frank Drilon

Poll Results
Kung tatakbong pangulo si Sen. Grace Poe sa 2016, iboboto mo ba siya?

-Hindi. Kulang pa siya sa karanasan. 46.6%
-Oo. Matino at may integridad na tao siya. 34.63%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 18.77%

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippines Daily Online, CNN]





#QUIZtion: Current Events

5 08 2014

THINK YOU’RE UPDATED?

Find out by taking this current events quiz. No Googling please. Do not cheat. Lawmakers hate competition.

1
1: Bago nanalo ang UP Fighting Maroons men’s basketball team against Adamson Soaring Falcons last Saturday, Aug. 9, they have lost 27 consecutive games in the UAAP. Grabe lang. Prior to Saturday’s win, their last victory was in Season 75; two years ago pa. #saklap Anong team ang kanilang tinalo then?
A: Adamson Soaring Falcons
B: UE Red Warriors
C: De La Salle Green Archers

2: Kris Aquino admitted ‘rewarding’ President Aquino’s supporters by “replying” to their comments on her Instagram account. Ano naman ang ginagawa ni Kris sa mga taong “nega” ang comments?
A: Block!
B: Deadma na lang.
C: Pinaprangka. [At least honest!]

1
3: “Too beautiful to play the game” ang description sa volleyball player na si Sabina Altynbekova. The 17-year-old stunner plays for the youth squad of which country?
A: Ukraine
B: Russia
C: Kazakhstan

4: What militant Islamist group was responsible for the kidnapping of school children, and other violent activities in Nigeria recently?
A: Bakr al-Shalam
B: Abu Jihad
C: Boko Haram

5: Ang pamilya ng mga Pinoy na sakay sa pinabagsak na MH17 sa Ukraine ay tubong:
A: Pagbilao, Quezon
B: Maragondon, Cavite
C: Marilao, Bulacan

6: Ayon mismo kay Paolo Bediones, ilang taon na ang kanyang sex video na kumalat recently?
A: 7
B: 5
C: 2

7: Kung may “Ma’am Janet (Napoles)” sa executive at legislative branches, sino naman ang sinasabing counterpart niyang sangkot sa panunuhol sa mga judges?
A: Ma’am Charo
B: Ma’am Wilma
C: Ma’am Arlene

1
8: Of the following, sino ang hindi pinayagan ng kanyang NBA team na maglaro for his country sa darating na FIBA World Cup?
A: Tony Parker (Spurs) – France
B: Leandro Barbosa (Suns) – Brazil
C: Manu Ginobili (Spurs) – Argentina

9: Recently, Marvel announced that the new Thor will be female. Hindi naman nagpahuli si Captain America. Ayon sa Marvel, ang susunod na Captain America ay:
A: Bisexual
B: Black
C: Married with children

10: Project NOAH is the DOST’s “responsive program for disaster prevention and mitigation.” What does the acronym NOAH stand for?
A: Nationwide Operational Assessment of Hazards
B: National Organized Alert Helpline
C: Nakaantabay na Operasyon Alerto’t Handa

11: Slamming some anti-Aquino protesters, local musician Ria Bautista said, “Kung puro protesta pero wala namang inihahaing solusyon eh ‘di wala ring kwenta. It’s just a bunch of people whining.” This outspoken artist is a member of what band?
A: Up Dharma Down
B: Cambio
C: Paramita

1
12: Where is the 41st Chess Olympiad being held from August 1 to 14?
A: Reykjavík, Iceland
B: Tromsø, Norway
C: Budapest, Hungary

13: What is the name of the 140-hectare tourism enterprise zone in Bulacan where the Philippine Arena is located?
A: Ciudad Fernandina
B: Ciudad de Victoria
C: Ciudad del Carmen

14: Sa kabila ng nagaganap ngayong outbreak, hindi Ebola kundi ang disease na ito ang No. 1 killer sa West Africa.
A: Malaria
B: Diarrhea
C: HIV/AIDS

1SONA
15: One of the best dressed at last week’s SONA Red Carpet event, this woman is the wife of:
A: Cong. Miro Quimbo
B: Cong. Alfred Vargas
C: Sen. Sonny Angara

Bonus Question:
What does the E in E-Cigarette mean?
A: Express
B: Electronic
C: External

[Answers below]
—————————————————————————–
“People care about what newspapers tell them to care about.”
~ Delia Parr, Love’s First Bloom

Sound Bites
“Saan ka nakakitang pwedeng tumakbo ang truck at bus na walang prangkisa?! Saang klase ng mundo tayo ngayon? Nasa Mars ba tayo? I mean, stupidity!”
~Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno on LTFRB’s memorandum circular that temporarily suspended the enforcement operations against colorum vehicles in the metro

Answers:
1: B.
2: A.
3: C.

4: C.
5: A.
6: B.

7: C.
8: C.
9: B.

10: A.
11: C.
12. B.

13: B.
14: A.
15: C.

Bonus: B.

What your score means:
14-16 pts: Ikaw na ang updated! Marami kang alam. Hindi ka masyadong busy. Siguro, marami kang bakanteng oras.

11-13 pts: Pwede na. Love life na lang ang kulang.

8-10 pts: Ang lakas ng tsamba!

7 pts: Where have you been?

Below 6: Ang baba na nga ng score mo, double chin ka pa. Hayyy.

Gave a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: UAAP Sports, Reuters, FIBA, GMA News, Philippine Star]





EMOTIONAL

2 08 2014

IT’S BEEN raining all week. Some people say it’s heaven ‘crying.’ Maybe God is delivering his State of Heaven Address.

1NOY
In his fifth State of the Nation Address, President Aquino became emotional. He said he’s done his part, and the people must continue what he has started. To be fair, Aquino’s integrity is beyond reproach. He’s a tough act to follow. His successor will have some big eyes to fill.

The President’s fifth SONA was long – one hour and 42 minutes to be exact according to reports. And he was emotional. But while the President was fighting tears, attendees were fighting sleep.

1AD
The Philippine Star published photos of unidentified guests who were obviously taking a nap while President Aquino was delivering his SONA last Monday. Rumors say those guests took it literally when the President said, “Hindi po masamang mangarap.”

President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address lasted 1 hour and 42 minutes. To the surprise of many Filipinos, there was no Arroyo-bashing, no tirades against the Supreme Court, and no FOI Bill.

Last Monday, all eyes were on President Aquino. Everyone was listening to him. He was the center of attention. That’s the reason why Kris Aquino cried. She realized that the world didn’t always revolve around her.

Gotcha
A 16 foot long crocodile was caught in Palawan last Monday, July 28. Locals were wondering what the crocodile was doing in Palawan when the second regular session of Congress just opened that day.

Graft
Former Pampanga governor and incumbent senator Lito Lapid has been charged with graft in connection with the purchase of overpriced liquid fertilizer. The actor has denied the allegation, saying he knows NOTHING about the scam. Among many other things.

1KRIS
Remembering Cory
On August 1, the Aquino family went to Manila Memorial Park and offered a mass for former President Cory Aquino. In case you forgot, it’s the fifth death anniversary of Tita Cory which coincides with the fifth death anniversary of Mar Roxas’s presidential dreams.

In A Relationship
Sixty-five-year-old Dionisia Pacquiao has a love life. Apparently, that’s the reason why President Aquino cried during his State of the Nation Address.

Manny Pacquiao has revealed that Mommy Dionisia, 65 is in a relationship. Thank you Mommy Dionisia for giving hope to loveless Filipinos.

Approve!
According to Pulse Asia’s June 2014 Ulat ng Bayan survey, President Aquino’s approval rating dropped by 14 percentage points, from 70 percent to 56 percent. The survey’s margin of error was plus or minus Butch Abad.

POPE
Effective Leader
A stunning 88 percent of American Catholics think Pope Francis is doing a good job. Experts say, the Pope has a very high approval rating because he “leads with humility” – prompting the Supreme Court to tell President Aquino, “Now you know!”

The latest Pulse Asia survey is out. The highest approval rating was obtained by Vice President Binay. The lowest approval rating was obtained by Nancy Binay’s balloon gown.

Hunger
The latest SWS survey found that from 17.8 percent, the hunger rate is now 16.3 percent. That’s a difference of 1.5 percent. Those people are called “in denial.”

Math Whiz
A video of two street children with extraordinary math skills has gone viral. In exchange for alms, the two kids would answer math questions from strangers. When asked about the square root of 4,624, they answered, “68.” When asked about the square root of 888, they said, “It’s not a perfect square.” When asked, 172 million + 224 million + 183 million, they answered, “pork kickbacks.” Amazing!

Video Scandal
TV host Paolo Bediones has filed a formal complaint against people who released and uploaded copies of his sex video. The PNP says the uploaded sex video is a vital piece of hard evidence that will definitely stand up in court.
——————————————————————————–
“One thing you can’t hide – is when you’re crippled inside.”
~John Lennon

Sound Bites
“I have a lot of social networking followers and everyone who says good things about him, they get a bonus because I reply to them. Siyempre iyong mga nega bina-block ko na lang. Pero konting-konti lang sila.”
~Kris Aquino on President Aquino’s supporters

Spam
Somebody sent me a message. I replied.

1NapTxt

Poll Results
Matapos marinig ang ikalimang SONA ni Pangulong Aquino…

-Susuportahan ko pa rin. 57.74%
-I was never a believer to begin with. 35.09%
-Nawalan na ako ng tiwala. 7%

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Getty Images, ABS-CBN News]





SONA 2014: POLITICS AND FASHION

29 07 2014

WE’VE ALL HEARD President Aquino’s fifth State of the Nation Address. Everyone has an opinion about it. Even the pending Freedom of Information Bill has reacted.
1INC

But before President Aquino’s speech, there was the sideshow – the ‘SONA fashion’ and the Red Carpet – where the country’s wealthiest and most influential made a short stop and posed for news crews.

Here are some of the things overheard at this year’s SONA fashion event:

1CH
Heart Evangelista: Love, nabasa mo ba ‘yong isang tweet? Para raw tayong mag-tiyo!?
Sen. Chiz Escudero: Hayaan mo na. Baka mommy mo lang ‘yon!

1SA
Laguna Rep. Sol Aragones: Wala akong pakialam kung kakulay ko ang carpet! Wala naman kasing nag-remind sa akin na pula pala ang Red Carpet; akala ko black! Tse! Anyway, nag-red ako today upang ipakita ang kulektibong galit ng mga taga-Laguna sa administrasyong Aquino dahil pinatalsik nila sa puwesto ang aming gobernador! Kung nababasa mo ito Governor E.R., tuloy ang laban! At congrats nga pala for winning Best Actor sa FAMAS.

1pc
Sen. Pia Cayetano: I’ll just pretend na walang tao sa likod ko. Smile na lang ako dahil madaming reporters, nakakahiya kung sisimangot ako. By the way, ‘yong photobomber sa likod ko ay ang mayor ng Taguig at future First Lady ng Pilipinas. Hipag ko ‘yan, misis ni Alan. Chini-check niya yata ang tweets about Nancy’s terno. Alam mo naman ang Taguig, numero unong kaaway ng Makati.

1NB
Sen. Nancy Binay: I categorically deny that this gown costs 1.56 billion pesos. Hindi rin po overpriced ang kada-square meter ng damit na ito katulad ng ibinibintang ng aming mga kalaban sa pulitika. ‘Wag po n’yong palabasing masamang tao ako dahil ang totoo: ako ang victim dito. Fashion victim!

1NB2
Sen. Nancy Binay 2: Wala pong kinalaman sa negative comments sa Twitter ang pagpapalit ko ng attire. May pambili lang talaga ako ng dalawang gowns, bakit ba?! Eh kayong mga netizens na wala nang ginawa kundi mag-abang ng malalait, may pera at love life ba kayo?

1ka
Kris Aquino: Ganda ko ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha! Hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang aking eksena. Mamaya, try kong mag-cry. Try lang! Aha-ha-ha Also, I was informed that Mayor Herbert would be here. Gusto ko lang makita niya kung ano ‘tong pinakawalan niya. ‘Tsaka pasalamat siya sa ‘kin dahil pasok siya sa Top 12 senatoriables sa survey ng Pulse Asia. If not for Krissy… tapusin n’yo na lang! Kayo na. Aha-ha-ha!

1MD
Mommy Dionisia: Saan ang kubita ‘day? ‘Di ko na kaya ‘day. Lalabas na ‘day! ‘Tsaka bakit ba ito ang pinili mong gown ‘day? Ang kati! Ang sikip-sikip! Pastilan! Sa sunod ‘day, gusto ko ‘yong gaya ng gown ni Nancy. Maluwang! Para diritso na ang ihi sa floor ‘day. Yawa!

1AB
Makati Rep. Abby Binay: Hello Ate, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. Kasi naman, ang tigas ng ulo mo. Prone ka na nga sa mga bashers, binigyan mo pa sila ng rason to bash you more! Wala bang salamin sa bahay n’yo?

1LM
Cong. Lani Mercado: Actually, ‘yon din po ang tanong ko sa girlfriend ni Jolo na si Jodi: kailan ba matatapos ang ‘Be Careful With My Heart?’ Dragging na ‘teh! Also, hindi po ako dadalo sa SONA. Sinabi ko na po ‘yan before. Paulit-ulit na lang kayo ng tanong. Salamat po.

1LL
Sen. Loren Legarda: Ito po ang tinatawag na traditional Mandaya outfit. Opo, Mandaya ang name ng indigenous group pero never po akong nandaya. Ako pa nga yata ang nadaya noong 2004. Hello nga pala kay Kabayan!

1IRM
Cong. Imelda Marcos: A million DAP here, a billion PDAF there. So petty! Konting barya, pinag-aawayan! These kids. Guard, dalhin mo kay Nancy Binay! I’ll lecture her on fashion.

1ADR
Assunta De Rossi: ‘Wag na po kayong magtaka kung bakit solo flight ako. Numero uno sa dami ng absences sa Kamara ang mister ko; pati sa red carpet, absent ang lola n’yo! Hindi naman po siguro masamang maging consistent ‘di ba? Pak!

1AV
Palace Deputy Spokesperson Abigail Valte: Mas safe na ang ganito kaysa sa gown; tipid pa! Ang importante, may yellow ribbon! Malimutan na ang fake eyebrow ‘wag lang ang dilaw na laso. Magagalit si boss! Alam mo na!

1CRR
Marinduque Gov. Carmencita Ongsiako-Reyes: I haven’t seen my amiga, Imelda today – which is great. Baka ma-insecure lang ‘yon sa ganda ng gown ko. If you have it, flaunt it – which is what I have been exactly doing. My fellow Marinduqueños must be so proud. Anong sinabi ni Big Bird?

1GP
Sen. Grace Poe: Nagpapasalamat po ako sa mga netizens na nagsabing “presidential” ang aura ko. ‘Yan din po ang laging sinasabi sa akin ni Mr. Conrado De Quiros. Tingnan natin… matagal pa naman ang 2016. Who knows? Ooops, nagbibiro lang poe.

1bm
Militant leaders with Juana Change:
‘Ayan, nakapasok na si Noynoy sa session hall. 1… 2… 3! Now na! Walkout!
Reception will follow at Cabalen Restaurant.

1CV
Sen. Cynthia Villar: Sabayan n’yo po ako: “Dan-dan-dan dalandan. Dan-dan-dan sarap ng real! Lasap na lasap, real na real, real na real. Dan-dan-dan, dalandan!” Hindi ko na po kailangang ipaliwanag ang suot ko. Kung anong sinimulan ni Manny, ipinagpapatuloy ko lamang. Isigaw po natin: Hanep na ang buhay dahil may hanapbuhay!

1RG
Leyte Rep. Lucy Torres: Babe, smile ka, dali! May TV crew. This SONA Red Carpet is the closest you can get to being a congressman. Ahi-hi-hi
Richard Gomez: I hope you’re just kidding babe. Kung hindi, susuklayan kita!

1JV
Sen. JV Ejercito: Sweetheart, ‘wag ka namang magmadali! Gusto kong mapanood ni Kuya Jinggoy ang paglalakad natin sa Red Carpet. Wala lang. Pang-azar lang. Lolz. #brothers #frenemies #TVKDarrenFortheWin #DarrenDontLeavethePhilippines

1SF
[Photos courtesy of ABS-CBN News, ANC, Philippine Star, Philippine Daily Inquirer, GMA News, Rappler, News5, Interaksyon, Kris Aquino, Ginger Conejero, Jenny Reyes, Ayee Macaraig, Chona Yu-Inquirer, StyleBible.Ph, Bandera Inquirer]
—————————————————————————————
“People don’t remember you for what you show them, people remember you for what you sow into them.”
~ Constance Chuks Friday

Sound Bites
“Sanay na ako sa bashing eh. Kahit anong gawin ko yata, I will always get bashed.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

Poll Results
Kung isa kang mambabatas, boboto ka ba upang ma-impeach si Pangulong Aquino?

-No. 57.66%
-Yes. 29.25%
-I’ll think about it. 13.09%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LEAKED: SONA 2014 [EXCLUSIVE!]

25 07 2014

A PURPORTED DRAFT of President Aquino’s fifth State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech.

1INC

State of the Nation Address
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
To the Congress of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City, on July 28, 2014]

“Naniniwala po ako sa kasabihang, ‘Ang pagsasabi ng tapat ay pagsasama ng maluwat.’ Kaya’t bago po ako magsimula, magtapatan na po tayo. Lahat ng may yellow ribbon sa kanilang suot, pumuwesto po kayo sa gawing kanan. ‘Yon naman pong wala, sa gawing kaliwa. Maraming salamat po.”

“Malinaw pong SONA ang matutunghayan n’yo ngayong hapon. Wala kaming in-advertise na laro o exhibition. Kung hindi n’yo po magugustuhan ang inyong maririnig, huwag umasa ng refund. Batasan po ang inyong pinuntahan, hindi Araneta Coliseum.” [Applause]

“Ito po ang aking ikalimang SONA, isa na lamang ang natitira. Sa mga taong hindi makahintay sa pagtatapos ng aking termino, relax lang po kayo. Huwag masyadong atat na makapuwesto. Sana’y nanonood ka pareng Toby Tiangco.”

“Ramdam na ramdam na po natin ang paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Pampubliko o pribadong sektor man, kitang-kita ang kaunlaran. Sa Makati City nga po, parking building pa lang, 1.56 billion pesos na ang halaga. [Applause] At sinong hindi mapapanganga sa bagong Philippine Arena? Pang-Guinness talaga! [Applause]

“Hindi po kaila sa inyo na matibay ang aking paninindigan sa DAP at ipagtatanggol ko ito hanggang sa abot ng aking makakaya. Dahil d’yan, effective last Friday, ako na po ang concurrent Secretary of Defense.” [Applause]

“Uulitin ko po. Mabuti ang DAP at maraming natulungan ang programang ito. Sa katunayan, kahit ho ‘yong pinakamatitindi kong kritiko, nakinabang dito. Tanungin n’yo pa si Bayan Muna Representative Neri Colmenares.” [Applause]

00
“Nang ako po ay iluklok ng aking mga “boss” sa Malacañang, nangako po tayong lalabanan natin ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan. Tinupad po natin ang pangakong ‘yan. Sa sandaling ito, mangyari po lamang na ituon ang inyong atensyon sa LED wall sa gawing kanan. Sa unang pagkakataon sa kasaysayan ng SONA sa Pilipinas, magkakaroon po tayo ng live feed mula sa PNP Custodial Center, PNP General Hospital at Fort Sto. Domingo.” [Applause]

“Unahin natin ang PNP Custodial Center. Senador Bong at Senador Jinggoy, alam kong naririnig n’yo ako. Pumasok kayo sa confession room.”

BONG: Hello po Kuya. Mabuti naman po at napadalaw kayo.
JINGGOY: May ipapagawa ka bang challenge sa amin Kuya?

“Bong, Jinggoy… ikinalulungkot kong sabihing hindi n’yo nagawa ang pinaka-importanteng challenge bilang mga halal na opisyal: ang magpaka-honest. Dahil d’yan, awtomatiko kayong nominated for conviction sa susunod na trial. Sanga pala, hindi ako si Kuya. Ako si Noynoy at live kayong napapanood sa Kongreso ngayon.” [Canned laughter/Applause]

“Ngayon naman ay makikita n’yo ang live feed mula sa PNP General Hospital. Kung inyong mapapansin, parang natutulog lang si Senator Enrile. Huwag na nating gambalain ang matanda; respeto na lang. Ipasok naman natin ang live feed mula sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Hayan… makikita natin sa screen ang isang lalaki at isang babaeng magkapatong. TURN THAT OFF! ANONG KAHALAYAN ‘YAN?! [Collective gasp] Pasensya na po mga boss. Ngayon nga pala ang scheduled visit ni Mr. Jaime Napoles kay Mrs. Janet Lim-Napoles. Sorry po!”

1IM
“Moving on… may mga nagtatanong nga po lagi sa akin: Paano na sa 2016? Paano ‘pag wala ka na? Tapos na rin ba ang tuwid na daan? Babalik na ba ang KADILIMAN? Hindi ko po sasagutin ‘yan. Ayaw ko pong maakusahang racist ni Manong Jojo Binay.”

“Katulad ng aking sinabi sa inauguration ng Philippine Arena noong nakaraang linggo… pairalin natin ang pagmamahalan sa halip na pagsisiraan na nauuwi sa pagkakawatak-watak. Kung nais n’yo pong ‘mapalapit’ sa kapwa Pilipino, mag-MRT kayo.” [Applause]

“Napakahalaga po sa akin ng kalusugan ng mamamayang Pilipino. ‘Yan po ang dahilan kung bakit naglaan tayo ng 70 million pesos mula sa DAP para sa stem cell research program ng Lung Center of the Philippines. Priorities!” [Applause]

“Mataas po ang tingin ko sa mga empleyado ng pamahalaan. Malaki ang papel na ginagampanan nila sa paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Kung hindi ko man maibigay ang dagdag-suweldong hinihingi nila, babawi na lang ako sa pagbibigay sa kanila ng sapat na pahinga. Kaya ngayong 2015, halos dalawampu ang non-working holidays!” [Applause]

“Likas ang pagiging masipag ng mga Pilipino. Multi-tasker nga raw ang mga Pinoy. Isa sa mga buhay na patotoo ang kasamahan natin sa Kongreso: lawmaker, boxer, preacher, singer, actor, TV host, at ngayon ay basketball coach. Ikaw na talaga Cong. Manny Pacquiao!” [Applause]

“Sa mga pribadong tanggapan naman, hindi rin maikakaila ang sipag ng mga empleyado. Maging mga broadcasters, rumaraket na rin sa tanggapan ng gobyerno. Isumbong Mo Kay… joke lang. Ayaw kong ma-libelo!” [Canned laughter]

“Nitong nakaraang linggo, nilagdaan ko ang R.A. 10643 o “An Act to Effectively Instill Health Consciousness through Graphic Health Warnings on Tobacco Products.” Whatever!

1INC
“Kitang-kita rin natin ang progreso sa larangan ng enerhiya. Kung sa termino ng aking namayapang ina ay walong oras ang brownout, ngayon ay tatlong oras na lamang. Palakpakan po natin si Secretary Ikot Petilla.” [Applause]

“Iwaksi po natin ang negatibo at mag-focus sa positibo. The glass is half-full not half-empty. Wala mang power supply, bababa naman ang bayad sa kuryente. Now na!” [Applause]

“Noong nakalipas na taon, pinuri tayo ng international community dahil sa nilagdaang kasunduan with the MILF na naglalayong makamit ang kapayapaan sa Mindanao. Sa mga susunod pong araw, kapayapaan pa rin ang aking tututukan: ang pakikipag-ayos sa Kataas-taasang Hukuman. I’ll try.” [Applause]

“Naging aktibo rin tayo sa kampanya laban sa pambu-bully ng Beijing sa mga teritoryong sakop ng Pilipinas. Pinatunayan natin sa China na hinding-hindi tayo susuko hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang segundo ng laban. Ang husay mo Paul Lee! Mabuhay ang Gilas Pilipinas! Puso!” [Applause]

“Ayon po sa survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia, mababa na raw ang aking mga grado. Hindi po ako nababahala. Mas mababa pa d’yan ang mga grado ko noon sa Ateneo.” [Applause]

“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF as illegal.” [Silence]

“Inuulit ko, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel as illegal. Ang hindi papalakpak, guilty.” [Applause]

1INC
“Kahapon, July 27, isinilang na ang pang-isandaang milyong Pilipino. Tama po ang narinig n’yo: umabot na sa 100 million ang mga Filipino. Sa mga pari at mga obispo, sana happy kayo!”

“Matagumpay po ang PNP sa paglaban nito sa kriminalidad at mga salot ng lipunan. Sa katunayan, kung dati ay naka-kotse ang mga kriminal, ngayon… naka-motorsiklo na lamang.” [Applause]

“Ipinagpatuloy din natin ang malawakang kampanya laban sa ipinagbabawal na droga. Sa mga kabataang nanonood ngayon, nais kong ipaalala sa inyo: walang buting maidudulot ang bawal na gamot! Itakwil n’yo ang droga kung gusto n’yong makatapos ng pag-aaral, makahanap ng trabaho, o maging National Artist in the future.” [Applause]

“Sa loob ng apat na taon kong panunungkulan, tunay ngang malaki na ang ipinagbago ng asal ng mga Pilipino. Iba na ang level of maturity nila ‘ika nga. Hindi na po ako lalayo. ‘Yong kapatid kong si Kris, kapag nakikipag-break dati sa lalaki, umiiyak ‘yan sa harap ng TV. Ngayon, wala nang luha, wala nang galit, wala nang pagbabanta. Mali si Ms Nora Aunor! May himala!” [Applause]

“Sa aking inaugural address, atin pong ipinangako: walang kurapsyon, walang manlalamang, walang wangwang. At dahil nakatutok ako sa paglilingkod sa inyo… walang love life! Maraming salamat po!” [Applause]
———————————————————————–
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“Sa lahat ng mga gumising sa nagtutulug-tulugan, sa mga nagmulat sa mga nagbubulag-bulagan, sa mga kumalampag sa mga nagbibingi-bingihan: SONA po ninyo ito.”
~President Aquino, SONA 2013

Have a safe weekend everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Gov.Ph,Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Bam Aquino, Sovereign Independent Co.UK]





OFFICIAL LIST OF TYPHOONS

22 07 2014

A POTENTIAL TYPHOON has been monitored by PAGASA. It is expected to enter the Philippine Area of Responsibility this week and will be named ‘Inday.’ Everyone should prepare because Inday has been described by weathermen as “masipag,” “mabilis” and “walang tigil sa katatrabaho.”

UNTVWeb
AS IN the previous years, we publish the names of tropical cyclones that continue to threaten the archipelago. This year, the following typhoons made our list.

Typhoon Enrile
Matagal-tagal na rin ang pananatili nito sa Philippine Area of Responsibility at mahaba-habang panahon na ring nananalasa. Mabuti na lang at sa huling monitoring ng PAGASA, humihina na ang bagyong ito. Gayunman, pinag-iingat ang publiko sa anak nitong bagyo.

Typhoon Kris
Napakaingay ng bagyong ito kaya’t ang atensyon ng lahat ng tao ay nakatutok sa kanya. Maraming galit kay Typhoon Kris pero patuloy pa rin nilang minu-monitor ang kanyang galaw.

Typhoon Imelda
Dekada sisenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik.

Typhoon Napoles
Malawak ang dulot nitong pananalanta. Malaking halaga ng ari-arian ang nawala dahil sa kanya.

Typhoon Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Hindi gaanong napapansin ang dala niyang pinsala dahil marami rin namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Inaasahan ang mas malawak na sakop na kaulapan ng Typhoon Binay sa taong 2016.

Typhoon Noynoy
Ang bagyong choosy. Kung supporters niya ang mga residente sa isang lugar, ligtas sila. Kung hindi, babagyuhin niya.

Typhoon Bong
Matagal na palang nananalanta ang bagyong ito bago na-detect ng PAGASA. Nabawasan ang kanyang biktima nang maisapubliko ang kanyang bagsik.

Typhoon Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Typhoon Gigi
Malakas na ulan ang kanyang dala. Luha nang luha ang pucha. Ang drama! May kakabit na bagyo si Typhoon Gigi. Mas malakas sila kung magsasanib-puwersa.

Typhoon Mar
Habang tumatagal, pahina nang pahina ang bagyong ito. Nawawala na sa radar.

Typhoon Abad
Hindi kalakasan pero hindi rin gumagalaw sa puwesto; nananatili lamang siya sa gitna.

And finally…
Typhoon Jinggoy
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod ng lakas ang hangin.

Dear Mother Nature,
Stop sending us destructive typhoons. We already have our politicians.
Love,
Filipinos

1IMImpeachment
On Monday, the Lower House accepted an impeachment complaint filed against President Aquino. Archbishop emeritus Oscar Cruz signed the complaint saying he cannot allow the misuse and abuse of taxes he didn’t pay.

Frontrunner
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, if presidential elections were held today, 4 of 10 will definitely vote for Jejomar Binay. Those four were Bong, Jinggoy, Enrile and Erap.

Graphic
President Aquino has signed the Graphic Health Warnings Law. To raise awareness on the ill-effects of smoking, the legislative measure requires tobacco companies to put the President’s photo on cigarette packs.

1INC
INC Centennial
The influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo kicked off its centennial celebration on Monday, July 21. The event was held at the sprawling, newly-inaugurated tithely-packed Philippine Arena.

In his address at the INC centennial event, President Aquino said, it’s our duty to love one another instead of “propagating misunderstanding.” His speech was titled, “Note to Self.”

At the Iglesia ni Cristo gathering on Monday in Bulacan, several politicians were spotted. I’m not sure about the exact number but it’s close to 2016.
——————————————————————————————-
“LIFE isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,it’s about learning to DANCE in the rain.”
~Vivian Greene

Sound Bites
“For the past 100 years, itinuturo po ng aming simbahan ang kusang pagkakaloob. Ito naman po ay walang pilitan. Kung anuman ang aming nakalap ay nagagamit lamang para sa mga pangangailangan ng simbahan.”
~Bro. Edwin Zabala, INC spokesperson

Poll Results
Matapos marinig ang paliwanag ni Pangulong Aquino ukol sa DAP, alin ang mas matimbang sa ‘yo?

-Desisyon ng Korte Suprema 69.44%
-Paliwanag ng Pangulo 21.03%
-Hindi ko alam ang isyu. Magbabasa muna ako. 9.52%

Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: UNTv Web, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Malacañang]





TWO-SENTENCE HORROR STORIES (PINOY VERSION)

19 07 2014

BASED ON recent events in the Philippines, this list was inspired by the viral two-sentence horror stories that originally appeared on Reddit.

1GG
1: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima called an emergency press conference today. Benhur Luy has been missing for 48 hours.

2: The new vice president is about to take his oath of office. Joseph Estrada has never been this proud of his son, Jinggoy.

3: The Sandiganbayan was left with no choice but to allow the transfer of Gigi Reyes to St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig. BJMP-appointed doctors say she’s been in labor for three hours and the baby’s not breathing.

4: It’s already 2014. The country is still experiencing brownouts.

5: President Aquino tells government lawyers to no longer pursue the motion for reconsideration against SC’s DAP ruling. Secretary Coloma tells reporters it’s just a joke.

6: In his homily, the bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. He’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Napoles.

7: The reporter is surrounded by sparkling diamonds, pearls, and luxury purses. It’s the annual SONA Red Carpet in Batasan Complex.

8: He entered the room and saw red, black, and blue. He panicked but it was too late to quit the brotherhood.

9: In the mock polls conducted Wednesday, Bongbong Marcos emerged as the students’ top pick for president. The mock election was held in Ateneo.

1mv
10: Bro. Mike Velarde and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the El Shaddai House on Friday. Dozens of politicians were present.

11: It’s a rainy, rush hour Friday payday. You’re aboard a passenger bus and couldn’t hold your pee any longer.

12: I have been waiting to be served in the crowded SSS office for almost four hours. When it was already my turn, the staff announced a 90-minute lunch break.

13: The traffic lights are working. A traffic enforcer emerges from the police outpost and decides to direct the traffic himself.

14: You died but was given another chance to “live.” You were resurrected as Janet Napoles’s vagina.

15: Miguel has an 8AM meeting in Makati and it’s already 7:30. The sea of people at the MRT North Avenue station makes him dizzy.

16: Within minutes, the heavy and continuous rains submerged streets in the metro. Classes were then suspended and students were advised to go home.

17: After a long bus ride from work, the starving office employee slumped into a chair. It was only Monday.

18: Miss Universe candidates are expected to arrive next week. The pageant is being held in Ukraine.

19: Star Cinema has released an extended trailer of its latest project – a heavy drama. Playing the role of twins in the movie is Kris Aquino.

And finally…
20: There are more than seven billion people on Earth today. You’re still loveless.

Worst Airport
A septic tank at the NAIA Terminal 1 overflowed Saturday releasing foul smell and causing a minor flood at the departure area. Malacañang immediately issued a very short statement: Shit happens.

Emotional
Lawyer Gigi Reyes who arrived at the Sandiganbayan in handcuffs Friday reportedly cried during her arraignment. But the emotional moment became awkward when the justices and everyone else in the courtroom applauded and gave her a standing ovation.
————————————————————————————–
“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.”
~ Stephen King

1MH17
Sound Bites
“It is kind of the world’s biggest crime scene right now.”
~ Michael Bociurkiw, spokesman of the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe describing the crash scene of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17

What have we become?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang, 620wtmj.com]








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 110,027 other followers

%d bloggers like this: