2014: MGA HULA AT BABALA

1 01 2014

HN
It’s the season of self-proclaimed psychics and fortune-tellers again. Last year, psychic Danny Atienza predicted that President Aquino’s term would be cut short. Vice President Binay, he said, would replace him in 2013. And Binay was like, “Hmpf! Paasa!”

Also last year, Hong Kong-based feng shui master Joseph Chau Kam Shing said President Aquino would finally fall in love in 2013. Unfortunately, the woman he fell in love with didn’t feel the same.

atienza
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer in January 2013, psychic Danny Atienza said President Aquino would meet in 2013 the love of his life who’s “bright,” “beautiful,” and “of good breeding.” In short, ‘false hope.’

Danny Atienza also predicted that a former Philippine president would die in 2013. Atienza was dead wrong.

Of former president Joseph Estrada who was then running for mayor of Manila, psychic Danny Atienza predicted, “I assure him, 99 percent, he would lose to Alfredo Lim.” But Mayor Lim lost the race and Atienza lost his credibility – 99 percent of it.

In the Chinese calendar, 2014 is the Year of the Wooden Horse. Vice President Binay was born under that animal sign. Feng shui experts say this will be a great year for the vice president. Sought for reaction, Mar Roxas said, “I don’t believe in feng shui.”

Victims
As of 6AM, January 1, authorities reported that there were almost 900 cases of fireworks- and firecracker-related injuries. President Aquino insists the figure is much lower than that.

JAMORA
Despite the Health Department’s much-publicized ‘Iwas Paputok’ campaign, the number of fireworks- and firecracker-related injuries soared to more than 800 this year. President Aquino is blaming Katy Perry.

Honest
A Filipino taxi driver in Las Vegas was rewarded $10,000 for being an honest man. That’s nothing compared to a number of Filipino lawmakers who are rewarded fresh terms for being thieves.

Mars Mission
Out of the initial 200,000, the number of people who applied for a one-way trip to planet Mars has been narrowed down to 1,058. The bad news is no Filipino politician made it.

WE INVITED famed psychic and voodoo practitioner, Madam Kalachuchi – who has a master’s degree in Psychic Reading from the University of Haiti to share with us her predictions for 2014. Enjoy!

President Aquino
“Matatagpuan mo na ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Unfortunately, hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanya. Huwag munang umasa.”

Vice President Binay
“Magigising ka na lang isang umaga, may malaking tattoo ka na. Ang nakasulat: ‘Donated by the Office of Vice President Jejomar Binay.’ Kontrahin ang sumpa! Magdasal.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas
“Mabubuntis ang iyong asawa. Si Vice President Binay ang mapaglilihihan niya. Good luck!”

Sen. Frank Drilon
“Magkakaroon ka ng matinding problema sa kalusugan. Umiwas sa lechon, crispy pata, double cheeseburger, bopis, barbecue, pork chicharon, and anything edible.”

1KJanet Napoles
“Makakatakas ka mula Fort Sto. Domingo bago mag-Hulyo. Wait, mali pala. Hindi ka pala makakatakas. Patatakasin ka! Yamaaan!”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda
“Malas ka sa taong ito. Magbibitiw ka sa puwesto. Kung hindi ka naman aalis sa puwesto, ‘yong pwesto mismo ang mang-iiwan sa ‘yo. Basta. The end is near.”

Bong Revilla
“Marami pang ibabatong putik sa ‘yo ngayong 2014. Samantalahin ang publicity! Ituloy ang planong remake ng ‘Nardong Putik.’”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
“Lalo kang magagalit sa iyong matutuklasan sa taong ito: sa past life n’yo pala ni Enrile ay mag-asawa kayo.”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
“Huwag pansinin ang mga darating na intriga. Kung mahal mo talaga, ipaglaban mo siya. Almost 90 ka na… ‘wag nang magpa-tweetums. (Kainis!)”

Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay
“Ngayong 2014, ang papasok ay puro suwerte; walang malas. Bago matapos ang taon, kukunin kang endorser ng Hello Kitty umbrellas.”

Jinggoy Estrada
“Sa second quarter ng taon, babagsak ang iyong timbang. Mas magiging sexy ka. Sa ikatlong quarter ng taon, lalo pa itong babagsak. Magpa-check up ka na. Baka iba na.”

erER Ejercito
“Magkakainteres ang mga German scientists sa makinis mong kutis. Gagamitin ka nilang subject sa bagong pag-aaral.”

Dr. Eric Tayag
“Mapapanood ni Ellen DeGeneres sa YouTube ang dance videos mo. ‘Yun lang.”
———————————————————————–
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
~Carl Jung

Sound Bites
“Tuloy ang kampanya. Next year, sasayaw pa rin ako. Medley na.”
~DOH Asst. Sec. Eric Tayag

May you have an exciting, productive, and prosperous 2014!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Micaela Papa, Golden Boy poster]

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2 responses

1 01 2014
timowp17

Ha ha ha. Nice post, TPH. Happy New Year din sa ‘yo.

1 01 2014
akvividphotography

Hahahaha!!! Sana nga mabutis na si Korina.

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