WATDAPAK!

30 06 2013

untitled
THE KOMISYON sa Wikang Filipino or KWF wants the name Pilipinas changed to Filipinas to promote the official and modern name of the country. The KWF suggests that the name ‘Pilipinas’ on letterheads, stamps, and notepads be replaced with ‘Filipinas.’ I am not that familiar with the mandate of the KWF but this has to be asked: Anong problema n’yo?

Oh, here’s another phone-in question: Wala kayong magawa?

The great Virgilio Almario, KWF Chairman was also quoted to have said, “Unang dapat burahin ang ‘Philippines.’ Tatak ito ng patuloy na pag-iral sa ating utak ng pananakop ng mga Amerikano.” If we follow this ridiculous suggestion, the University of the Philippines will become University of Filipinas. How do we cheer then for the Fighting Maroons? UF Fight! Ang lavo!

Ang UAAP magiging UAAF
Malaking froblema!

Kahit itanong n’yo pa kay Tourism Secretary Mon Jimenez…
Ang “It’s more fun in Filipinas!” – hindi veventa!

Pati mga d’yaryo mag-aalsa:
Filipinas Daily Inquirer? Ano va?!
Eh ang Filipinas Star? Faano kikita?

Filipinas Stock Exchange?
Ano ‘yon? Pangalan ng casa?!

From PUP to PUF
Ayaw ng mga aktibista.

Philippine Normal University
Filipinas Normal University na.

Pati mga kadete, magwawala
Kapag naging Fee-M-A ang school nila.

Filipinas National Police?! Waley!
Armed Forces of Filipinas?! Kalurkey!

Narinig n’yo na ba ang balita?
May bagong bagyo raw na pumasok sa Filipinas Area of Responsbility.
Papunta na nga raw ito sa West Filipinas Sea.

Parang may mali!

Sandali.
Baka naman si PNoy, tawagin na ring F-Noy.
F-Noy!
F-Noy!
Hindi magandang ulit-ulitin
Parang tunog bastusin.

Filipinas Airlines… magagalit si Lucio Tan.
Filipinas Coast Guard: ‘di type ng fishermen.

Ang PAGASA, magiging FAGASA?
Baka maakusahan pa ng homophobia!

From PAGCOR to FAGCOR?
Nakakakaba!
Maaalarma ang mga moralista!

Speaking of moralista…
Ang Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines
Magiging Catholic Bishops’ Conference of Filipinas na!
Mai-imbyerna sina Father at sasabihin “Over!”
Baka muling pag-initan ang “My Husvand’s Lober.”

Kaya sa Komisyon ng Wikang Filipino: Naku po… good luck!
Itong suggestion n’yo, isang malaking: watdapak!

untitled Mayor Erap
IN HIS inaugural address, Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada said he was convicted because of his principles. He then compared himself with Nelson Mandela, Anwar Ibrahim and Aung San Suu Kyi. That was probably Erap’s funniest joke ever.

Talking about his prison term, Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada said he’s in the company of well-loved icon Nelson Mandela. When the South African leader heard this, he almost died… laughing.

On his being an ex-convict, Erap said he’s in the company of Malaysia’s Anwar Ibrahim and Nobel laureates Aung San Suu Kyi and Nelson Mandela. After Erap’s speech, Mandela, Anwar, and Suu Kyi immediately issued a joint statement clarifying they were never jailed for plunder.

In his inaugural address as Manila mayor, Joseph Estrada said, “The fight against corruption will be the centerpiece of my administration.” Hey Erap, 1998 called. Narinig na raw n’ya ‘yan.

untitled Safe
Doctors say former Cagayan De Oro Rep. Benjo Benaldo is out of danger now. To ensure his continued safety, he was advised to stay away from himself.

ABS-CBN reported that Benjo Benaldo left a suicide note in which he allegedly wrote, “My death is for electoral reform. Sana mabago na (ang) sistema.” The “system” replied, “You too!”

In his alleged suicide note, Benjo Benaldo wrote, “My death is for electoral reform.” Considering however the needed reforms in our electoral system, at least 200 solons must do the same.
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“Know what you are talking about.”
~ John Paul II

Sound Bites
“Ipinapasiya, gaya ng ginagawang pagpapasiya ngayon, na ibalik ang gamit ng ‘Filipinas’ habang pinipigil ang paggamit ng ‘Pilipinas’ upang mapalaganap ang opisyal at modernisadong katawagan ng bansa na kumikilala sa kasaysayan at pag-unlad ng pagkabansa nito.”
~Komisyon ng Wikang Filipino

“For the first time in history, Manila will have an ex-convict as your mayor.”
~Joseph Estrada

Personal
To everyone who supported me in this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards, thank you so much. I am overwhelmed. Win or lose… it’s a non-working day on Friday (kung gugustuhin mo)!

Have a fun and safe week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler.com, Cong. Miro Quimbo]





OF PRIESTS AND LOVERS

27 06 2013

THE CATHOLIC Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines is reportedly alarmed by a gay-themed primetime drama. It’s a bit too close to home.

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Rumors say Catholic bishops have been receiving complaints against “My Husband’s Lover” – mostly from priests and seminarians who are forced to stay up late to catch it.

In case you’ve missed, “My Husband’s Lover” tells the story of a married man who is having an affair with another man. It is inspired by the life story of a former senator.

BREAKING: The Catholic Church is currently conducting a survey on whether it should file a petition to stop the airing of the show. This blog obtained a copy of the survey form.

001nik
*******CONFIDENTIAL********

Para Sa: Mga obispo at paring saklaw ng Romano Katolikong Simbahan sa Pilipinas

Sa ngalan ng mapagpalang Panginoon, mabuhay!

Naaalarma ang pamunuan ng Simbahan sa panggabing palabas na “My Husband’s Lover.” Dapat ba tayong maghain ng petisyon laban sa nasabing programa? Kayo ang humusga.

Piliin ang titik ng sagot na kumakatawan sa inyong pananaw. Ito ang magiging batayan ng susunod nating mga hakbang. Nawa’y patnubayan at gabayan kayo ng Espiritu Santo sa inyong pagsagot.

God bless you!

Question 1: Anong aral ang inyong mapupulot sa ‘My Husband’s Lover?’
A: Wala! Nagpapakita ito ng imoralidad
B: Meron ba? Nakakapanlumo ang lantarang holding hands at yakapan ng dalawang lalaking bida. Kadiri.
C: Kapag napanood ito ng mga batang lalaki, magiging bakla sila paglaki.

Question 2: Sapat ba ang MTRCB rating na SPG sa naturang palabas?
A: Hindi!!! Dapat d’yan… Rated SDSPG: Super Duper Strict Parental Guidance
B: Nope! Mas safe kung Rated SGGPG: Strict Great Grandparental Guidance
C: Of course not. Dapat d’yan, Rated X! Malaswaaaaa!

Question 3: Ano ang pinakaayaw mo sa ‘My Husband’s Lover?’
A: Lahat! Ang dapat ilagay sa time slot na ‘yan, Batibot, Tropang Potchi o kaya Sesame Street!
B: Landian nang landian ang mga bida. Pupunta sila sa impyerno! Now na!
C: Sumobra naman yata ang diet ni Glydel Mercado. Ang payat na n’ya! (Napasilip lang. Promise, ‘di talaga kami nanonood.)

Question 4: Kung ikaw ang writer ng primetime dramang ‘to, ano ang dapat mong gawin upang mas maging katanggap-tanggap sa Simbahan ang kwento?
A: Ipakita ang eksena kung saan sumasailalim sa counseling ng isang pari ang mga baklang bida upang itama ang malaking kasalanang kanilang ginawa.
B: Exorcise them! Palayasin ang demonyong sumapi sa kanilang katawang lupa!
C: Palabasing panaginip lang pala ni Carla Abellana ang lahat; na wala talagang bakla sa mundo.

Last Question: Dapat bang kanselahin ang programang ito?
A: Walang duda! Let us save our society from the claws of immorality.
B: Bakit ngayon lang? Dapat noon pa!
C: Hintayin muna natin ang next episode; baka sakaling mag-kiss na sina Eric at Vincent. After no’n, go. Sibakin na! Bastos na programa!

Maraming salamat sa inyong pagsagot. Kung mapapansin n’yo, patas at walang kinikilingan ang choices sa bawat tanong. Makakaasa kayo sa patas ring desisyon.

“If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.”
~Leviticus 20:13
111MHL

Overseas…
The US Supreme Court ruled that married gay couples are also entitled to federal benefits. The CBCP called the decision ‘alarming.’

NIA Anniversary
President Aquino publicly chastised officials and employees of the National Irrigation Administration (NIA) for showing little improvement over the past couple of years. And NIA employees were like, “Look who’s talking!”

During NIA’s anniversary last Tuesday, President Aquino criticized its officials and employees for failing to meet the agency’s targets. Meanwhile, when asked about the anniversary of the Bureau of Customs, Commissioner Ruffy Biazon replied, “Ano ‘yon?”

001nik
At NIA’s anniversary, President Aquino publicly scolded its employees. Noli De Castro can so relate.

NIA Administrator Antonio Nangel says Typhoon Pablo delayed the implementation of its projects last year. But President Aquino insists blaming typhoons is unacceptable. Unless of course the typhoon’s name is Gloria.
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“I hate organized religion. I hate that people use it to justify their crappy, bigoted beliefs.”
~Hannah Harrington, Saving June

Sound Bites
“Malaking pag-aaral ang dapat gawin sa mga bagong teleserye tulad ng ‘My Husband’s Lover’ na sana maisa-alang-alang na nasa isang bansa tayo na may kulturang pinapahalagahan ang usaping moral o mga bagay na saklaw ng moralidad.”
~ CBCP Episcopal Commission on Youth Fr. Conegundo Garganta

“I mean, it’s really a no-brainer. Here we are, the government is ensuring your safety, we are providing you a location, we are providing you a decent structure, a safe structure, and… the ‘negastars’ would say: ‘No, stay in the estero. Your life is better there.’ I mean, no comparison, it’s a no-brainer.”
~Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda on groups that oppose the P18,000 doleout to dwellers living along esteros

Happy weekend!

Pahabol: Voting for this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards ends on June 30. To everyone who voted, maraming salamat. Pwede pang umulit. HERE’s the site.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





STEM CELL, SEXPLOITATION, SUPERMOON

25 06 2013

THE DEPARTMENT of Foreign Affairs confirmed that a labor official in the Middle East was involved in the so-called sex-for-repatriation scheme. The official has been recalled and was told to pack up and return to Manila. There was this awkward moment when the sacked official asked if he could have sex first before he’s sent home.

According to the DFA, the unidentified embassy official allegedly committed “sexual harassment” and “molestation” – fueling speculations he’s either a bishop or a priest.

11villa
Reports identified a certain Assistant Labor Attaché Antonio Villafuerte as one of those involved in the sex-for-repatriation scheme. Villafuerte is keeping mum on the issue. But unconfirmed reports say he’ll only speak to the media in exchange for you-know-what.

Stem Cell Victims?
Three high-ranking politicians died after allegedly getting stem cell treatment in Germany. Rumors say one of the politicians was hoping to prevent himself from getting old. Wish granted.

There have been reports of high-profile politicians getting stem cell treatment. They were injected with stem cells from sheep, rabbits, and other animals. Stem cells from crocodiles are available but they might suffer from overdose.

Bong, Bongbong
Sen. Bong Revilla says he’s very open to teaming up with Sen. Bongbong Marcos for the 2016 presidential and vice presidential elections. He has yet to make a decision but Revilla admits he’s preparing for it. For our children’s sake, I think we should, too.

Plastic Ban
Makati City is strictly implementing a plastic ban. Stores and similar establishments are told to use brown bags instead. Senator-elect Nancy Binay has denied rumors she proposed it.

Drug Test
Now that the Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013 is in effect, Tito Sotto says a drug test is no longer mandatory for drivers applying for a license – something which is really useless since what this society desperately needs is an idiot test.

Fugitive
Former National Security Agency contractor and whistleblower Edward Snowden left Hong Kong over the weekend. The US is hot on his trail. But he’s nowhere to be found now. Some say he’s in Russia or en route to Ecuador; others believe he’s seeking asylum in Iceland while some surmise he is going to Cuba. One thing’s certain though, he’s now studying how to cook embotido or adobo with the help of Google.

Some Filipinos are mocking the US government for its failure to track down Edward Snowden. Americans replied, “Helllllo! Mancao!”

Supermoon
On Sunday night, the moon was at its nearest distance to earth. Scientists called it supermoon. Unfortunately, many Filipinos didn’t notice it because the Supermoon was wearing reading glasses.

There no longer was ‘supermoon’ on Tuesday evening. But ‘megamoon’ was still visible, and if you’re lucky enough on Thursday, you’ll witness the ‘moon for all seasons.’

Convicted
In Milan… former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute. Again, that’s 7 years! The sentencing got a bit tense when Berlusconi announced he wanted to have sex with his prison term.

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to a seven-year prison term for having sex with a prostitute. Unrelated: Hello to the President and his closest buddies. Wala lang. #random

001nikSkywire
Funambulist Nik Wallenda became the first person to walk across the Grand Canyon on a 2-inch steel cable – without a net below him or a harness. He finished it in 22 minutes and 54 seconds. For his next stunt, Nik will try something different. He’ll drive from North Avenue to Taft Avenue via Edsa on a stormy, Mega Sale rush hour Friday pay day.
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“Power is what men seek and any group that gets it will abuse it.”
~Lincoln Steffens

Sound Bites
“Wala pa kaming pinag-uusapan ni Senator Bongbong. Malay natin baka Bong-Poe or iba pa ‘di ba? Maraming pwedeng mangyari.”
~Bong Revilla on his 2016 plans

Still On
Thank you again, and again to everyone who voted. The longest vote is still on. You have until June 30th. Pwedeng umulit. One vote per hour. Here’s the link.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PAGASA

22 06 2013

EMPLOYEES OF PAGASA are appealing yet again to Malacañang to fasttrack the release of their hazard and longevity pay. They’ve been tracking the movement of their request for six months now. The forecast is still dim.


PAGASA employees have not received their hazard and longevity pay this year. In totally unrelated news, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has yet to touch his 200 million-peso pork barrel allocation for 2013.

Meteorology expert and weather bureau chief Dr. Nathaniel Servando has quit his job in PAGASA. He’d lost hope.

Meanwhile… Typhoon Emong has left the country. Weather specialists, too.

Jori Loiz, one of the more visible PAGASA forecasters revealed his “take home” pay was 12,000 pesos per month – Or as senators would call it, “pang-Starbucks din ‘yan.”


The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that President Aquino wasn’t concerned at all by the departure of PAGASA Chief Nathaniel Servando. That’s what officials get when their interests and hobbies do not include guns or target shooting.

Told by reporters that weathermen appeared to have been leaving the agency because of low salary, an obviously irked DOST Sec. Mario Montejo replied, “Ilan ba ‘yong umalis?!? ‘Di ba si Servando lang?!” To which some PAGASA employees said, “Appointee ka nga ng Pangulo!”

Bonus
DPWH officials and employees erupted in cheers when President Aquino announced the release of a 10,000-peso anniversary bonus. It was the most heartbreaking announcement ever – for PAGASA employees.

Flood Control
Malacañang admits the government’s master plan to mitigate flooding will be fully implemented in 35 years – or as President Aquino would say, “Another lifetime.”

As part of the government’s flood control program, some 20,000 families living near waterways will have to be relocated. Local officials believe NOW is the best time to transfer them. By “NOW,” they mean, “post election season.”

Sainthood
A Vatican official confirms that a committee of theologians has approved a second miracle attributed to Pope John Paul II. News of this kind kinda makes me sentimental. It reminds me of the day my parents told me Santa Claus was real.

Roxas and Binay
Bitter rivals DILG Sec. Mar Roxas and Vice President Jejomar Binay have reportedly joined forces to relocate informal settlers. That was Pope John Paul II’s first miracle.

SC & Jalosjos
Last Tuesday, the Supreme Court upheld a Comelec ruling that barred convicted child rapist Romeo Jalosjos from running in the May 2013 elections. Jalosjos was extremely disappointed. He had purchased a time machine in anticipation of a favorable ruling.

Makati Ordinance
Makati City has implemented a ban on plastic. Celebrities were offended.

Abused
According to the World Health Organization, a third of women have been assaulted by a former or current partner. And Cong. Benjo Benaldo was like, “Ba’t kayo nakatingin sa akin?”

Back-to-back
LeBron James and the Miami Heat repeat as NBA champs. LeBron has two rings now. Koko Pimentel and Chiz Escudero wished they had one too.

Kim and Kanye
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their new baby, North. The proud parents want baby North West to become a flight attendant someday. (See first photo of North West here.)

Tax Evaders
Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana were sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. The Fugees’ Lauryn Hill and action star Wesley Snipes also served time for the same offense. Dolce & Gabbana say, “It’s the trend!”
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“We are trained to be employees, but no one said that we have to endure a limited salary that barely keeps pace with inflation.”
~Carlos Roche

Sound Bites
“Ang tatanggap ng benipisyo sa kanyang kakayahan ay ang ibang bansa hindi ang ating mga kababayan. ‘Yon po ang punto ng aming panghihinayang.”
~Ramon Agustin, Philippine Weathermen Employees Association on Nathaniel Servando’s decision to quit PAGASA for a job in Qatar

Personal
Contrary to what was previously posted in the website, voting for this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards will end on June 30 (not June 20). Ten percent of the total score will come from your votes. Sa mga bumoto na (at boboto pa) thank you very much! Here’s the link to the site. I hope it’s working.

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EXCLUSIVE: ANNABELLE DRAMA RETURNS

18 06 2013

SOME OF THE BIGGEST names in the entertainment industry were trounced in the last elections. Richard Gomez. Christopher De Leon. Joey Marquez. Shalani Soledad. Dennis Padilla. Heber Bartolome. Rey Valera. Alan Paule. Lou Veloso. TJ Trinidad. And Rez Cortez. Aga Muhlach has yet to concede his defeat to the Fuentebellas in Bicol.

In Cebu’s northwest district, one feisty woman fought, and lost. It was not even close. But this woman

Hay naku dong! Ang haba ng intro mo dong! Per minute ang rate ko. May pambayad ka ba dong?

Ladies and gentlemen, nagbabalik sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon matapos matalo sa eleksyon – our special guest, the one and the only ANNABELLE DRAMA.

Alam mo dong, ‘di mo na kilangang ulit-uliting talo ako. Tanggap ko ‘yon dong. Nag-prutista ba ako dong? Hindi uy. Ako ang unang nag-conceit. So moved on ka na ok?

So conceited ho kayo?

Tanga ka ba dong? Ako nga ang unang-nag-conceit ‘di ba? Hindi pa tapos ang bilangan, conceited na ako dong.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang ang concede, anong masasabi n’yo kay Aga na hindi pinalad sa Bicol.

Karma ‘yan dong! No’ng inaway ako ng tiyahin niyang si Amalya, alam kong igaganti ako ng Sto. Niño! So karma ‘yon dong! Kaya ikaw Aga, mag-conceit ka na dong. Huwag mong sisihin ang kalaban dong. Sisihin mo ang MALAKING malas sa paligid mo!

Sino po ‘yong malaki? Si Amalya?

Gusto mong ma-libel dong? Wala akong sinabing pangalan dong. ‘Wag kang mandamay dong.

Sabi ho sa balita, nag-donate kayo ng 3 million sa inyong pinsang si Mike Drama na nanalong mayor. Pero ngayon, binabawi n’yo raw. Totoo po ba?

Alam mo dong, wala naman talaga sa ‘kin ‘yong pira dong. Pira lang ‘yan eh. Isang tilisirye lang ni Chard, mabawi ko man ‘yan. Nabuwisit lang ako kay Mike kasi noong kampanya, inasyur niya ako dong. Sabi niya, “Pinsan, malakas ang kutob ko. Landslide ito.” Landslide nga dong! Matapos ang bilangan… landslide ang kalaban! Kaya ikaw Mike, kung nanood ka ngayon, bruho ka, ibalik mo ang pira ko dung. Kung may iota ka ng dilikadisa dong, ibalik mo man ang pira ko.

Alam n’yo pala ‘yong term na iota?

Hindi dong. Narinig ko lang kay Remond ‘yan. Tumatalak siya sa telepono kahapon. Sabi niya, “If you have an iota of delicadeza, you will English and English and pastilan and yawa and English and English…” Pisti! Wala akong nagits dong. Ingles kasi. Diri-diritsu. Sakit sa ulo! Ang nagits ku lang dong “iota” at “dilikadisa” kaya ‘yon ang ginamit ko. ‘Buti na lang dong walang “b” ang iota; kung hindi nagduda ako sa kanya.

Nakakatuwa naman po at nagbati na kayo ni Nadja Montenegro. Ano bang na-realize n’yo at lumambot ang inyong puso?
Alam mo dong, hindi naman talaga ako dimunya eh. Image ko lang ‘yon dong. Ang totoo, mabait naman talaga ako. Bago kami nagbati ni Nadja, matagal na akong naga-pray sa Sto. Niño. Siguro, mga April pa ‘yon. Ang prayers ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, give me a sign naman. Dapat ko bang patawarin ang mga bruha sa paligid ko.” And then

Ano pong sabi ng Sto. Niño?

Ito na nga dong! Pwide ba, huwag mo ‘kong ipreempt?! Ituloy ko ang kwento ko. Nanahimik ang Mahal na Sto. Niño dong! Silence talaga siya. Kinabahan ako. Sabi ko, “Pastilan, ‘di yata nagustuhan ng Sto. Niño ang prayers ko.” Tumibok nang mabilis ang heartbeat ko dong.

‘Asan na ho ang sign?

‘Wag mo akong madaliin dong! Kung may pupuntahan ka, umalis ka na! Bumubuwelo pa ako! Makinig ka muna! ‘Tapos nag-eleksyon na nga: natalo ako. Landslide dong! ‘Tapos natsugi ang talk show ni Remond. ‘Tapos nawalan ng tilisiryi si Chard. Tapos si Roffa, paguest-guest na lang. Nag-pray ulit ako dong. Sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, ito na ba ang sign?”

Sumagot ho ba ang Sto. Niño?

Hindi ko na hinintay dong! Baka ‘di ko kayanin. Kaya nang magkita kami ni Nadja dong, nag-smile na ako. Ang gaan sa dibdib dong. Para akong nabunutan ng matabang tinik.

Mabuti naman at pumayag makipag-ayos si Nadja sa inyo.

Dapat lang dong! Wala man siyang maipagmalaki sa akin. Talo ako sa Cebu, talo rin ang asawa niya sa Caloocan, third place. Ako, second place. Quits lang dong.

Naniniwala ho ba kayo sa karma?

Hindi ko gusto ang tabas ng tanong mo dong. Kung ayaw mong mag-walk out ako, ibahin mo!

Sige ho. Maiba ako. May kumakalat na tsismis na magiging lola na naman kayo. Totoo po bang magiging tatay na si Chard?

Sandali dong. ‘Di ba may lakad ka pa? Baka ma-late ka dong.

Ito na lang: ano pong lesson ang natutunan n’yo sa nakaraang eleksyon?

Masakit pala dong. Hinakot ko na ang mga artista ko sa Cebu dong. ‘Tapos nag-campaign ako sa Twitter pati Instagram. Talo pa rin dong. Pero pasalamat na rin ako dong dahil nakita ko ang buhay ng mahihirap. Wala silang arti sa bohay. Hanga ako sa kanila. Kaya ikaw Roffa, ‘wag masyadong maarti ‘day.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang si Roffa, June po ngayon. In 1994, may malaking nangyari sa buwang ito. Siguro naman natatandaan n’yo pa ang Manila Film Fest scam. Ano po ang

Alam mo dong, pisti ka. ‘Yon lang ang masasabi ko, pisti ka. Moved on ka na! Please lang.

Ay, sorry po. Sige, last question na lang. After n’yong matalo last May, you ranted on Twitter. Sabi n’yo, “I shall return.” Saan ho kayo babalik? Sa pulitika?

Hindi dong! Ang balikan ko, ‘yong 3 million kong donasyon kay Mayor Mike. Hoy Mike, if you have an iota of dilikadisa, ibalik mo ang pira ko dong!

So talagang paninindigan n’yo na ang paggamit ng “iota” sa interviews?

Oo naman! Without an iota of doubt. Dong!
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“When we don’t put the brakes on our self-absorption, we have nothing stopping us from total self-destruction. We become the fruits of our actions.”
~ Zeena Schreck

In Other News
On June 18, 2013, the University of the Philippines turned 105. And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “Pwedeee!”

Official records show, Jack Enrile was last elections’ top spender – otherwise known as ‘the biggest loser.’

In Prague, Czech Prime Minister Petr Necas resigned after one of his top aides was linked to bribery and abuse of power. It’s called “command responsibility.” Or as Filipino politicians would say, “Ano ‘yon?!”

KampanyaSerye: Huling Hirit
To everyone who supports me in this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards, thank you very much. Ten percent of the total score will come from your votes. The rest will come from the judges. You can still vote every hour until June 20. Here’s the link. Maraming salamat po sa suporta. Hindi pa magsasara ang presinto. Boto na!

Tropical Storm Emong is here! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





OF VIOLENCE, CROCODILES, AND SUPERMAN

16 06 2013

ngc

A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC crew is in the Philippines to shoot a documentary on crocodiles. Apparently, nobody informed them that Congress is in recess.

Nat Geo’s Brady Barr describes a crocodile as intelligent but very complex. He says “it is humans acting irresponsible.” Yeah, that’s our congressmen.

Hacked?
Reports say hackers posted President Aquino’s three personal mobile numbers on Facebook. Malacañang wouldn’t confirm if those numbers were indeed President Aquino’s although when you dial one of the three numbers, the voice prompt goes, “Sorry, the number you dialed is having a quick smoke outside. Please try your call later.”

Apparently, President Aquino has three numbers: one for Kabarilan, one for Kaibigan, and one for Kaklase.

Cebu Pac
Less than two weeks after one of its planes missed the runway at Davao International Airport, another Cebu Pacific Air plane skidded on the runway at Ninoy Aquino International Airport. The incident was a total nightmare for the crew, the passengers… and Cebu Pacific’s PR group.

Rainy Days
Last Thursday, non-stop rains triggered flooding in the metro causing monstrous traffic jams. Arguably, the streets of Manila were the worst place to be on a rainy day. In close second: inside a Cebu Pacific airplane.

daiana2Domestic Violence?
Brazilian model Daiana Menezes posted cryptic messages on Instagram pertaining to violence against women including a photo of her injured arm. A couple of days later, her boyfriend, outgoing Cagayan De Oro Representative Benjo Benaldo released a statement saying Daiana had forgiven him. I don’t know anything about this Benaldo guy but here’s a wild guess: he likes Chris Brown.

Benjo Benaldo, who lost in the last elections, admitted that he and Daiana were having problems but was quick to clarify, “We fought because of LOVE.” To which, LOVE replied, “Nananahimik ako. ‘Wag kang mandamay!”

daiana
On his girlfriend’s intriguing Instagram posts, outgoing CDO Rep. Benjo Benaldo said, “Daiana and I have settled our differences.” In the interest of fairness, we’re still trying to get the side of the arm.

Daiana did not give a hint if she’ll allow herself to be interviewed by the local media on her relationship with Congressman Benaldo. Rumors say though she’s willing to talk to the Nat Geo crew.

Senator Nancy
To prepare herself for the Senate, Nancy “Nanay De Pamilya sa Senado” Binay is back to school. She’ll attend a five-day training at the University of the Philippines’ National College of Public Administration and Governance contrary to earlier reports she enrolled at the Institute of Culinary Arts.

snowdenWhistleblower
I’m sure you’ve heard about Edward Snowden. He’s a former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor who exposed US electronic surveillance on American citizens. Snowden also claims the NSA has been spying on China since 2009. The NSA denied it saying, “It was much longer than that idiot!”

Edward Snowden, the NSA whistleblower is currently hiding in Hong Kong. That’s what reports are saying although it’s also likely he’s with the La Salle Brothers.

World Population
In 12 years, world population is expected to reach 8.1 billion. According to the United Nations,  there are now 7.2 billion people. Again, that’s 7.2 billion people! And you’re still single! What’s your excuse?

Man of Steel
Have you seen Man of Steel? It tells the story of a newborn baby who had to be hidden away from pursuing evil. He survives the danger, grows up and becomes a powerful man. The movie’s working title was “The Story of Jesus.”
——————————————
“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”
~Isaac Asimov, Foundation

Soundbites
“Napakahirap makipag-usap sa isang taong napakaraming dadaanan pa. Napakahirap sumulat sa isang taong hindi namin sigurado kung natatanggap n’ya. Pero kahit isang pagkakataon lang o isang gabi o araw lang, gusto naming dumirekta at sabihin ang gustong mangyari o saloobin kung meron man ng bawat isang Pilipino.”
~Anonymous Philippines member who posted President Aquino’s alleged mobile numbers on Facebook

hecklerKampanyaSerye
To everyone who voted and to those who intend to vote, THANK YOU very much. I owe you big time. Voting for this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards is ongoing. Show your support for your faves. Vote here.

Have a great weekend. Happy Father’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos of Daiana via Interaksyon.com]





KAMPANYASERYE (NOT AGAIN!)

14 06 2013

ON THURSDAY NIGHT, I learned that The Professional Heckler (this blog) was announced as one of the finalists in the 2013 Tatt Awards. Thank you to the organizers and to the Tatt Council!

heckler
I am a finalist in the category Blogger Phenom of the Year. But this should not be about me. Blogging is not a joke. You should realize the unspeakable horrors that I go through whenever I write cruel jokes about cruel politicians.

One time, I blogged about a lawmaker who was then embroiled in a corruption scandal. He felt slighted and took it personal against me. I tried to talk to him by phone. Sabi ni Congressman, “Sino ka ba? Masama ang pakiramdam ko eh.” So I asked, can I call back again? He replied, “I don’t think so.” Napahiya ako. Kung ‘di n’ya maunawaan ang mga sinulat ko, ako na lang ang uunawa sa kanya. Bigyan ko kaya ng jacket?

Anyway, 10 percent of the total score in the Tatt Awards will be determined by public voting. It’s “election” season once again and I happen to be one of the candidates.

I am not so sure if have a chance of winning. But I am really glad I’m not up against Grace Poe.

A friend suggested, “Bumili ka ng airtime sa ABS-CBN. Lumabas ka sa “Maalaala Mo Kaya” to ensure your victory.” I replied, “Hellllllo! Jack Enrile!”

And then it dawned on me, my father’s already dead. Uso naman pong gumamit po ng pangalan ng patay po sa kampanya ‘di po ba? Perfect! Wala naman kasi akong uncle na na-assassinate. At wala din akong pinsang presidente.

Had I known six months ago that I would be a finalist this year, I would have campaigned much earlier. Para hanep na ang buhay.

My readers and Twitter followers know for a fact that I am pro-RH Law. I fear that the Diocese of Bacolod would campaign against me.

Of course, there will always be critics. But I think I’m prepared for that. Seven years po akong nag-OJT sa pagba-blog.

1
I would have attended the formal presentation of finalists last night in Resorts World if not for the flooding in the metro. Traffic was at its worst and everyone was stuck in the gates of hell. Dan Brown felt vindicated.

In this year’s Tatt Awards, I’m up against a socialite, a food blogger, a personal/advice blogger and an entertainment blogger. People love glamour. People love food. People love advice. People love showbiz. ‘Tapos ako, I write about what… politicians?!? Syet, paano ako mananalo?

But I’m not worried. If voters reject me now, next time, I’ll just join a party-list group. Habang may BUHAY, may pag-asa.

Friends are more optimistic though. They say I have a good chance of winning because of one reason. My name is NOT Richard Gomez.

Hindi po ako nangangako ng trabaho sa bawat Pilipino, o libreng edukasyon, murang pabahay, at free skills training. Pero kapag nagkita tayo, titiyakin kong magkakaroon ka ng maraming pagkain, murang pagkain. Maraming karinderya d’yan. Tara, treat ko.

To vote for your favorites in the 2013 Tatt Awards, please click this link.

Hindi ko hawak ang aking kapalaran. Ang blog post na ito ay gabay lamang. Meron kayong free will, gamitin n’yo ito.

In closing, gusto ko pong humingi ng sorry kina Mommy Raquel at Carl. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang mag-sorry sa kanila.

“Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than, less than perfect.”

Again, thank you Tatt Awards and thank YOU dear readers. You made this possible.
——————————————————–
“Social media is addictive precisely because it gives us something which the real world lacks: it gives us immediacy, direction, a sense of clarity and value as an individual.”
~ David Amerland

Sound Bites
“I am not here to hide from justice. I am here to reveal criminality.”
~ Edward Snowden (In Hongkong) former National Security Agency contractor who revealed the alleged excessive US government surveillance on Americans

Happy weekend! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





FENG SHUI, PENIS SIZE, MARRIAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

12 06 2013

1
THE GREAT freedom fighter, Nelson Mandela is still in serious condition four days after being rushed to a Pretoria hospital due to a recurring lung infection. This early, supporters of the 94-year-old South African leader are trying to persuade his son, Noynoy Mandela to run for president next year.

It’s the middle of 2013. As in the past, I re-post some of my favorite items from the first five months of the year. In case you’ve missed…

Insults
A 26-year-old social media activist was sentenced to two years in prison for reportedly “insulting” Kuwait’s emir. I don’t think that’ll happen in the Philippines. Here, we don’t insult leaders and politicians. We describe them.

Phone Problem
My new phone autocorrects a number of words I type. This morning, it autocorrected ‘pork’ to ‘Congress.’ I have no idea why.

Sizzling Summer
On Friday, PAGASA recorded the year’s hottest day yet in Metro Manila. It was so hot yesterday people stood next to congressmen just to be near something “shady.”

The Tubbataha
A United States Navy war ship ran aground and remains stuck on Tubbataha Reef, a protected marine sanctuary. Coral rape.

Silence Please
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a bill that seeks to penalize the use of electronic devices like cell phones inside cinemas, concert halls, and other performance venues. The feisty senator wants those gadgets in “silent” mode. To which, moviegoers said, “You first!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago has a pending bill called “Silent Mode Act,” or in Senate parlance, Lito Lapid.

Feng Shui
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the Vice President is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.

The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.

According to psychic Danny Atienza, this year, President Aquino will finally meet the woman he’ll definitely fall in love with. When the woman heard the prediction, she went into hiding.

Earlier this month, a psychic predicted that President Aquino would soon meet a very beautiful and intelligent woman. But the President said he wouldn’t want to rely on fortune-tellers saying, “God has something good in store for me.” To which God replied, “’Wag pakasiguradoooo!”

Kwarta o Kahon
The great veteran game show host Pepe Pimentel has died at the age of 83. He chose ‘kahon.’

So long, Lolong!
The world’s largest crocodile in captivity is dead. Our deepest condolences to Congress.

Macho
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago threatened to expose Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s “sexuality.” But Lacson fired back. Using strong words like “lunatic” and “insanity,” he defended his sexuality saying, “Kung ako bakla, baka wala nang macho sa mundo.” And those guys in the gym were like, “Hindi rin!”

According to Senator Lacson, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago spent a portion of her pork barrel to erect a cockpit in Pasig City. Santiago reacted and questioned Lacson’s interest in her cockpit.

Team Patay
The Diocese of Bacolod is campaigning against a group of six pro-RH Law senatorial candidates it dubbed “Team Patay” while urging voters to support anti-RH Law senatoriables it called “Team Buhay.” By the way, the Diocese of Bacolod is a member of Team Bitter-bitteran.

Sick
A 38-year-old woman killed her son for having a small dick. The mother was quoted to have said that her son would have a bleak future with his small penis. This Indonesian woman is sick! Just because a guy’s manhood is small doesn’t mean he’ll have a bleak future. You can ask our president!

According to the Department of Health, 35 percent of Filipino workers (both in government and private sectors) are mentally disturbed. Ulol! Sinungaling! Bobo! Saksakin kita d’yan ng lapis eh.

Optimistic
A Social Weather Stations survey showed 37 percent of Filipinos were optimistic that their quality of life would further improve in 2013. They are called politicians.

Satisfied
Sought for comment on rumors that he’s gay, Migz Zubiri told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ask my wife. She seems so satisfied.” To which Ogie Diaz said, “My wife too.”

Gay Union
According to Koko Pimentel, the idea of same sex marriage in the Philippines “is a joke of a proposal.” To which, gay marriage advocates replied, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa success ng marriage mo!”

New Pope
Pope Francis has only one lung. But that’s nothing compared to many Filipino politicians: wala nang utak, wala pang puso!

War
North Korea declared that it had entered a “state of war” with South Korea and threatened to attack its neighbor. But Seoul is unfazed by the threat since a majority of South Koreans are safe… in the Philippines.

Apparently, Kim Jong Un considers the United States his number 1 problem. In close second is his weight.

Pinoy and Marriage
According to the National Statistics Office, fewer Filipinos are getting married. Those Filipinos are called smart.

Kris/Cruz
Archbishop Oscar Cruz sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

nancyNancy Hurt
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay admitted she was hurt by a scathing Philippine Daily Inquirer editorial titled, “Unqualified.” Nancy said the attacks were “vicious” and were part of a “demolition campaign.” As a rejoinder, the Inquirer is writing another editorial titled, “Whatever.”

The Promise
Weeks after declaring that she’s quitting showbiz, presidential sister Kris Aquino is still in showbiz. She’s not keeping her promise. It all points to a successful career in politics.

Penis Size
According to an online report titled, “Average Penis Size by Country,” the average size of manhood in the Philippines is 4.2 inches. Even Filipino women were like, “Come on! That’s too big!”

Erap’s Birthday
Former President Joseph Estrada celebrated his 76th birthday Friday, April 19. Erap’s birthday wish? Peace, love and harmony. Or as JV and Jinggoy would say, “Unrealistic, impossible, No way!”

Influential
President Aquino was named one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine. Not to be outdone, Nancy Binay was named one of the most influential people in the world by Good Housekeeping.

Manila Race
Former president Joseph Estrada admits the mayoral race between him and Mayor Alfredo Lim in Manila is neck and neck – which is a bit surprising since Erap does not have a neck.

Pam and the President
According to reports, President Aquino turned down the invitation of Pamela Anderson. Sayang! The President and Pamela would have been a good match. The playboy and the playmate.

Yao and Binay
Former NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Mayon Volcano
At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Liquor Ban
The Metro Manila Development Authority has asked the Commission on Elections to extend the 2-day liquor ban to 45 days. Or as Baron Geisler would call it, “Harsh!”
———————————————————
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
~Nelson Mandela

Sound Bites
“… oras na tanungin tayo ni Rizal, o ni Bonifacio, ni Ninoy o ni Cory ng ‘Pilipino, ano ang nagawa mo para sa bandila at kapwa mo?’ maaari natin silang titigan, mata sa mata, at sabihing “Narito ang mga inambag ko sa aking bayan, at ibinuhos ko ang aking buong puso’t kaluluwa upang mapabuti ang kanyang kalagayan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day 2013

Happy 115th Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





OF DOGS, PIGS, AND BISHOPS

10 06 2013

1SenatorFail
Reports say Catholic bishops gave President Aquino’s first three years in power a failing grade. Awkwardly, Catholics gave bishops’ last 500 years in power a failing grade too.

Gay Friendly
A recent study showed the Philippines ranked as one of the most gay-friendly nations in the world. “Homosexuality should be accepted by society,” according to 73 percent of adult Filipinos. The remaining 27 percent were Catholic bishops.

SONA 2013
Malacañang has started to prepare for President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address. The president’s speech will likely be divided into three: achievements, promises, and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Reports say President Aquino is preparing himself for the upcoming SONA. To which Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Ako rin.”

iQuit
Saying he “dishonored” the Philippine Daily Inquirer, ‘Pugad Baboy’ creator Pol Medina Jr resigned as Inquirer contributor. PMJr, who was quick to apologize after admitting his mistake definitely has delicadeza. He’ll never be Senate majority floor leader.

Certification
The Commission on Audit allowed senators to liquidate up to half a million pesos via “certification.” Or as ordinary government employees would say, “Inggit much.”

1Senator

Still At It
Congressional candidate Nelly Villafuerte, who badly lost to Leni Robredo in Camarines Sur is seeking the latter’s disqualification for allegedly accepting campaign contributions from foreigners. Earlier, the Villafuerte matriarch also accused Robredo of cheating. Dear Mrs. Villafuerte, What part of “Enough!” don’t you understand?

Talking Again
Here’s an interesting news. Long time rivals North and South Korea have agreed to talk again to mend their badly strained relations. All is not lost… JV and Jinggoy!

Rainy Season
On Monday afternoon, PAGASA declared that the rainy season has officially started. Davao City residents whose houses have been submerged in floodwaters since Friday were like, “Weh?! ‘Di nga?! “

Explosion
Seven people were hurt when a suspected gas explosion ripped through a school building outside New York City. Investigators are verifying reports the school building was developed by Ayala Land.

Peace
Ex-future Cebu representative Annabelle Rama has made peace with former actress Nadia Montenegro. A surprised Nadia thanked Cebuano voters for “making this possible.”

Freedom
On Wednesday, June 12, Philippine Independence turns 115 years old – making it a potential frontrunner for Senate president.

111
Kabang’s Back
After a successful reconstructive surgery in the US, lifesaving dog Kabang returned home to a hero’s welcome. It got a bit awkward though when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza appeared from nowhere and started cheering Kabang on.
————————————————-
“Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”
~Walter Kirn

Sound Bites
“To Ms Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc,

Ma’am:

Sorry. I dishonored you.
I resign.”

~Pol Medina Jr‘s resignation submitted to PDI’s Editor In Chief

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LESBIANS

7 06 2013

THE JUNE 4 edition of PM Junior’s ‘Pugad Baboy’ talked about lesbians, homophobia, hypocrisy, and St. Scholastica. One of the characters in the comic strip asked, “’Di kaya tongril din ‘yung mga madre?” That was just offensive. St. Scholastica is an esteemed institution. How dare you say they’re “tongril?” You say Sapphist or Lizzie Maguire or les!

pol
Pol Medina Jr. apologized to St. Scholastica’s College for insinuating in his popular comic strip that beautiful students in the Catholic school were lesbians. In other news, Don Bosco students have asked PM Jr. to please not write about them.

St. Scholastica’s College president Sister Mary Thomas Prado threatened to sue the Philippine Daily Inquirer unless an inquiry on PM Junior’s cartoon was conducted. PDI acted swiftly. PM Junior was suspended and an apology was issued. It’s more nun in the Philippines!

The past few weeks have been challenging for satirists, and for comedians who dish out politically incorrect jokes. Thank goodness for thinking readers! And to those who are offended by my blog posts, I am sorry if I am not your definition of funny.

Sinotto
In the last days of session, Senate President Enrile and Majority Leader Tito Sotto decided to exit. Graceful!

In giving up his post, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said, “Pagod na ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana.” The feeling is mutual.

In a privilege speech Thursday, Tito Sotto shocked his colleagues when he quit as majority floor leader. And even more shocking, no part of that speech was plagiarized.

Two Serendra
A week after the explosion that ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium in Taguig City, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas declared that the incident was caused by an LPG leak – not by a bomb, not by terrorists, not by the previous administration.

Final Tally
The Comelec had completed its final tally. Officially, it’s Team PNoy, 9; UNA, 3, and Brillantes’ tantrums, 5.

No Smoking
Through Presidential Proclamation 183 signed in 1993, the month of June has been declared, ‘No Smoking Month.’ And President Aquino was like, “’Di nga?!?”

June has been declared ‘No Smoking Month.’ President Aquino can’t wait for July.


Out!
A week after her daughter “came out,” Charice Pempengco’s mother, Raquel admitted that she used to be a lesbian also. I wonder if she went to St. Scho too.

Last week, Charice admitted that she’s a lesbian. On Friday, her mother revealed she used to be a lesbian. Can’t wait for the grandmother’s statement.
——————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~G.K. Chesterton

Sound Bites
“Binigyan ako noon ng guidelines eh, ng Inquirer. Ito yung mga guidelines na hindi mo io-overstep. Viniolate ko lahat yon. Kasi sinusubukan ko kung hanggang saan ako pwede lagi eh. Tapos pumapayag yung editorial staff ng Inquirer na ilabas. Kaya naging bold ako eh… aba okey ah, nailabas yung strip ko tungkol sa black comedy. Lumabas yung strip ko tungkol sa race. Tungkol sa religion. Eh open-minded naman pala. Sa kaka-push ko nang ganun, na-overstep ko yung threshold ng good taste. ‘Yun yung nangyari dito talaga. Totoo to eh, inaamin ko.”
~Pugad Baboy creator Pol Medina Jr.via ABS-CBN News

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PHILIPPINE TYPHOONS: A GUIDE

5 06 2013

BREAKING: Juan Ponce Enrile has resigned as Senate President. There’s no truth to rumors though that he stepped down to do a third episode for ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya.’

SUMMER is almost over. Children are back to school. Soon, PAGASA will be warning us against weather disturbances. As a precautionary measure, here’s a guide to this year’s typhoons. Ingat!

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Bagyong Erap
Sustained ang kanyang lakas ngunit pabagu-bago ng puwesto. Mahirap ma-predict ang lokasyon nito.

Bagyong Nancy
Bagamat bagong pasok pa lang, may kalakasan na. Zero visibility dahil sa itim na ulap at malakas na buhos ng ulan.

Bagyong Noynoy
Walang patawad. Isinisisi sa naunang bagyo ang pananalantang nararanasan ng mga tao.

Bagyong Mar
Nagpaparamdam lamang sa mga sosyal na lugar na may sosyal na condo units. Kung gaano ito kalakas, huwag mag-speculate. Hintayin ang babala ng mga awtoridad.

Bagyong Sixto Brillantes Jr.
Ang bagyong madaling mapikon. Lalong sumusungit ang panahon kapag pinapansin ng tao ang kanyang lakas.

Bagyong Binay
Around 2010 nang ma-detect ng satellite; nagbabantang manalanta beyond 2016.

Bagyong E.R.
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod nang lakas ang hangin.

Bagyong Bro. Eddie
Puwedeng daanin sa dasal.

Bagyong Cezar Mancao
Pansamantalang nawala sa radar ng PAGASA.

Bagyong Jessica
Isa siyang malakas na bagyo na may kabuntot na mas mahihinang bagyo. Hindi kaagad siya nagpaparamdam. Nauunang maramdaman ng publiko ang galit ng mga kabuntot niyang bagyo. Kapag medyo ramdam na ito ng publiko, saka niya ilalabas ang kanyang lakas at galit.

Bagyong Vice
Kung ikaw ang mismong tatamaan ng kanyang bagsik, masakit. Pero kung ibang tao, hindi mo siguro mapapansin na matindi pala siya. Ngunit ang bagyo ay bagyo. Hindi dapat gawing katatawanan.

Bagyong Gordon
Kinulang ang lakas upang ma-categorize bilang ganap na bagyo. Na-downgrade to a tropical storm.

Bagyong Cebu Pacific
Madalas na delayed ang entry o exit sa kalawakan ng bansa. Dahil sa ‘di matantyang galaw, malaki ang nagiging perhuwisyo.

Bagyong Miriam
Nagngangalit na panahon ang dala niya. Tatamaan ka ng kanyang kidlat kung tatanga-tanga ka.

Bagyong Kris
Agaw-atensyong sama ng panahon. Nagbabantang lilisanin ang Philippine Area of Reponsibility pero laging naaantala. Nawawala, bumabalik, heto na naman.

Bagyong Enrile
Sa unang patak ng kanyang ulan, amoy na amoy mo na ang singaw ng lupa.

Bagyong Gloria
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.

Bagyong Sotto
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.
————————————————————-
“When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.”
~Alice Hoffman

Sound Bites
“We just heard some rants from a bitter man. We just gave him his moment.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Senate President Enrile’s resignation

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





CLASSROOMS, CONDOMINIUM, CUNNILINGUS (RATED SPG)

3 06 2013

CLASSES for Academic Year 2013-2014 opened Monday, June 3. In some schools, a teacher is assigned to supervise 50 to 75 grade school pupils. Or as Dan Brown would call it, “the most densely populated classroom on earth.”

You know it’s the opening of classes in the Philippines when… there’s monstrous traffic jams, the rains start to fall… and the government begins doing road repairs.

1antarc
Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng tig-sasampung piso. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala pa rin ang inorder kong chalk.”

No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Ano ang masasabi n’yo kay Charice na tomboy na raw ngayon?”

No. 3: “Pasensya!!! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor at ang DepEd eh. Parating daw ang napakalakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na siya. Hala, uwian na!”

No. 2: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng Iron Man III? Maganda ‘yon! Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…

“Girls, boys… dating gawi! Section A sa ilalim ng punong mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra! Section C, bahala na.”

Laughing
The Philippine Coast Guard dismissed as “inaccurate” and “hearsay” a Philippine Daily Inquirer report that coast guards were seen in a video laughing while they were firing at a Taiwanese fishing boat. The authenticity of the video was also questioned because a portion showed Ma’am Charo laughing too.

Two Serendra
Investigators have yet determine the cause of explosion in the upscale Two Serendra condominium. DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says there are no traces of bomb chemicals in the area. Hopefully, there will be no traces of cover-up either.

Fire!
Five people were killed when a fire of still unknown origin razed a boarding house in Las Piñas last Saturday. Residents trooped to the site of the incident hoping that President Aquino and DILG Secretary Mar Roxas would also show up. #asa

Michael Douglas
Hollywood actor Michael Douglas blames his throat cancer on sex. President Aquino is safe.

According to Michael Douglas, his throat cancer was caused by contracting human papillomavirus or HPV through cunnilingus. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the vagina.

Blast from the Past
Exactly a year ago, a clothing line got flak for its “racist” campaign: “What’s your mix?” I am reposting this blog from June 2012 plus some updates. Enjoy!


Joseph Estrada: 50% San Juan and 50% Manila

Senate President Enrile: 50% Politics and 50% Paleolithic

United Nationalist Alliance: : 25% Erap 25% Enrile 25% Binay and 25% Victory

Nancy Binay: 50% Mother and 50% Non-debater

Aga Muhlach: 90% Mestizo and 10% Bicolano

Sen. Manny Villar: 30% Dagat ng basura 30% Gitna ng kalsada and 40% Weh?

Sec. Leila De Lima: 50% Filipina and 50% Peruvian

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr: 50% Filipino and 50% Targaryen

Former Cong. Prospero Pichay: 50% Human and 50% Vegetable

Jack Enrile: 100% Maraming pagkain 100% Murang pagkain 100% Hindi bumenta sa voters

Bam Aquino: 30% Ninoy 30% Cory 30% Noynoy and 10% Bam

JV Ejercito: 50% Brother

1antarc
Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas: 50% Ilonggo and 50% Ilong

Sec. Ronald Llamas: 50% Political Adviser 25% Shooter and 25% Film Reviewer

Sen. Koko Pimentel: 100% Single

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: 50% Boxer and 50% Preacher

Former Mayor Lito Atienza: 50% Manilan and 50% Hawaiian

Sen. Tito Sotto: 50% Copy and 50% Paste

Sen. Franklin Drilon: 100% Ramos 100% Erap 100% GMA and 100% Noynoy (Overweight)

Claudine Barretto: 50% Artista and 50% Karatista

Ramon Tulfo: 50% Sumbungan and 50% Bugbugan

Ex-future Congresswoman Annabelle Rama: 50% Talent Manager and 50% Loser


Jinkee Pacquiao: 50% Filipina and 50% Siyensya

E.R. Ejercito: 50% Actor 50% Governor (100% Annoying)

Vice Ganda: 50% Hilarious 50% Vicious

Manny Pangilinan: 100% Kapatid

Broadcast Journalist Jessica Soho: (‘Wag na lang ‘to)

How about you? What’s your mix?
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“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle

Sound Bites
“Proud ako sa sarili ko; mahal ko ang sarili ko kaya ko po ginagawa ito. Ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Makakalabas ako ng bahay na wala akong itatago, na wala akong masasagasaang tao dahil wala akong itinatago. Welcome to my crazy life. Enjoy the ride.”
~Singing sensation Charice on her sexuality

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EXPLOSION, CORRUPTION AND OTHER STORIES

1 06 2013

PRESIDENT AQUINO has signed Republic Act 10586 or the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” According to the new law, signs of drunk or drugged driving include “overspeeding, weaving, lane straddling, sudden stops, and swerving” – collectively categorized as “Things we normally see everyday.”

2dd
Republic Act 10586 shall allow cops to conduct sobriety tests on suspected drunk drivers. If a driver passes the test, he is allowed to conduct a sobriety test on the cop.

President Aquino approved the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” The law was principally authored at the Lower House by former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and son Dato – Or as the President would say, “I wasn’t aware of that.”

Stuck
A miffed President Aquino was forced to call MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Friday when he got stuck in traffic and arrived late in Taguig City for a speaking engagement. The President complained, “I did not expect it’s traffic everywhere.” And Dan Brown was like, “Told yah!”

1serendraExplosion
Some sad news. A huge explosion ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium at Bonifacio Global City Friday night. People were shocked to hear about the explosion and were even more shocked to see the President of the Republic of the Philippines himself at the explosion site shortly after the incident.

At press time, the cause of the explosion has not been determined but the President is not ruling out the involvement of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Anti-Corruption
President Aquino has signed a law designating December of every year as ‘Anti-Corruption Month.” Corrupt people in government thanked the President for the remaining 11 months.

If the President is serious on weeding out the corrupt in government, every month should be an “Anti-Corruption Month.”

Binay and Trapo
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted the Philippines to break free from traditional politics. The ‘Philippines’ replied, “You first!”

Economic Boom
The government reported an impressive economic growth of 7.8 percent in the first quarter of the year. Malacañang says “growth was felt in almost all sectors.” But not by the people (sector).

The Villafuertes
Defeated gubernatorial candidate and outgoing Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte Sr, 77 is filing an electoral protest against his 24-year-old grandson, incoming Cam Sur governor Migz Villafuerte. Villafuerte accuses his apo of “disputing, controverting and impugning the results of the elections.” Migz told his lolo, “You taught me well.”

Filthy Rich
Official records show 52 of 56 incumbent party-list representatives are multi-millionaires. There is no god.

Lozada
NBN-ZTE witness Jun Lozada who, himself, faces graft charges before the Ombudsman says he has lost faith in the administration’s “daang matuwid.” Sought for reaction, the “daang matuwid,” replied, “the feeling is mutual.”

1rizMissed Universe Crown
Miss Universe Canada declared a losing candidate as winner only to withdraw it later. Aga Muhlach remains hopeful.

It was an epic failure for Miss Universe Canada. On pageant night, the eventual fourth place finisher was declared winner due to a typo. She was later stripped of the title. But the embarrassed candidate says she won’t file a protest because she has accepted it, she has moved on, and she’s not a Filipino politician.

Riza Santos, the former PBB housemate who was crowned Miss Universe Canada was a former Miss Earth Canada and a former Miss World Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez of beauty pageants.

Vice Ganda
Vice Ganda (Jose Marie Viceral in real life) has made a public apology. One thing is certain though, netizens are still divided on the issue. Some are sympathetic to Vice Ganda while others are sympathetic to the weighing scale. (Disclaimer: This is a joke.)

James and Bimby
The Makati Regional Trial Court grants James Yap the right to visit his son James Yap Jr. But the judge says James cannot see his ex-wife Kris Aquino – to which the basketeer reacted, “Thank God!”

American Idol
Like fellow judge Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are leaving American Idol. The viewers too.
————————————————————–
“Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

1charSound Bites
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~Singing sensation Charice on “coming out”

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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