Cirque du soLOL

2 10 2012

“Parang nagiging circus naman itong filing. This is a very dignified process. Hindi naman dapat sinasamantala para magkampanya.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Brillantes Jr.

THE UNOFFICIAL campaign period for the 2013 midterm elections has officially started. Aspiring public servants trooped to the Commission on Elections to file their certificates of candidacy.


It’s circus meets carnival meets rigodon meets town fiesta meets beauty pageant meets sapin-sapin festival. Colorful!

Ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the Commission on Elections, Attorney Sixto S. Brillantes Jr!

“Bakit naman kailangang may introduction pa? ‘Kaw talaga. Anyway, let me take this opportunity to remind everyone na walang extension ang filing of COCs. Hanggang alas-singko lang ‘yan ngayong Biyernes. Maraming salamat. Now, I am honored to present to you some of the early birds na nag-file na ng kanilang COC. Pero bago ‘yan, click n’yo muna ang music video para mas ganahan tayong lahat. Click now…

Mga kababayan, kayo na ang bahalang humusga! Live mula sa tanggapan ng Commission on Elections sa Intramuros, Manila… please welcome, the candidates for senator of the Republic of the Philippines! Let’s start with…

“Hola! Ako po si Loren ‘Luntian’ Legarda. Dalaga! I am an NPC bet supported by the Nacionalistas within the LP coalition, and endorsed by PDP-Laban within the UNA Coalition. I am the Inception of Philippine politics. I thank you.

NEXT!

“Itutuloy ko po ang laban ng mga mahihirap sa tulong ng aking salaping limpak-limpak! Oh yeah, I am so back. And surprise, surprise… Liberal na ako, whether you like it or not! Repeat after me: Ja-ja-ja-Jamby!”

NEXT!

“Aaminin ko, I did not see this coming: si Jamby at ako sa iisang partido! Think Sharon and Piolo sa iisang kuwarto. Oh my gulay! Hanep na ang buhay dahil may hanapbuhay! Ayos ba ang segue? Cynthia Villar po ng Nacionalista Party.”

NEXT!

“Maayong udto! Lumayas man ako ng partido; inagawan man ako ng trabaho, at nawala man ang misis ko… lalaban pa rin ako! I’m very single and can’t wait to mingle… Koko Pimentel!”

NEXT!

“Bawal ang overweight, bawal ang double chin! Dapat lahat sexy, dapat lahat ay thin. Isusulong ko ang weight loss at tamang dieting. No to obesity, Yes to Tingting! Ang nag-iisang asawa ni Peping!”

NEXT!

“Juan Ponce Enrile Jr! Inuulit ko: J U A N P O N C E E N R I L E Jr. #nuffsaid”

NEXT!

“Angara sa kapitolyo. Angara sa Kongreso. Angara sa Senado. Angara ng buhay n’yo! Ang proud son ng Aurora… Sonny Angara!”

NEXT!

“(Sus! Sobra namang hardsell si Sonny. Ako naman!) My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay nasa Senado, hindi siya baboy-damo! Hello! JV Ejercito Estrada po. Handang-handa na sa Senado sa ayaw o sa gusto ng Kuya Jinggoy ko!

NEXT:

“Mag-ama! Mag-kuya! Hayys… ano ba namang Senado ‘to? Wala na bang iba? Kaya ang sigaw ng marami: ibalik ang mag-Ate! Ako po ang nakababatang kapatid ni Senadora Pia: Alan Peter Compañero Cayetano: LP ang kakampi inspite of Ja-jamby!

NEXT!

“Ako po si Mitos Magsaysay. Ako ay “

NEXT!

“Teka lang. Grabe ka naman Chairman. Wala pa akong nasasabi. Sigurado akong kagagawan na naman ito ng Malacañang! Hmpf! Mag-a-RT na nga lang ako ng tweet! RT @tribuneonline Stalled at Noy’s daang matuwid via tribune.net.ph”

NEXT!

“O, wait, teka lang, sandali lang girls. Relax lang kayoooo! Akala n’yo si Ninoy Aquino ‘to ‘noh?! Nagkakamali kayoooo! Mas bata, mas mataba at mas guwapo ako do’n! Tatakbo ako para tumulong, kumalinga at minsan, magpakilig sa inyooooo. Ako nga po pala ang dating National Youth Commission chairman at TOYM awardee na si Paolo Benigno “Bam” A. Aquino IV, ang Mr. Pogi ng Liberal Party!

NEXT!

O, boys… relax lang kayo. Akala n’yo trapo ako ‘no. Nagkakamali kayoooo! Chos! Nagbibiro lang po. Si Manong Ernie Maceda po ito… maubusan man ako ng lakas, matuyuan man ako ng katas, walang makakapantay sa akin sa paggawa ng batas! Promise!

NEXT!

Joey De Venecia po… napadaan lang. Putik na survey ‘yan! OkThanksBye!


“AT SUMAINYO ang ilan sa mga nais maglingkod sa bayan! Ang iba pang kandidato… abangan! Paalala lang: meron pa kayo hanggang Biyernes upang mag-file ng inyong certificate of candidacy. Thank you. This is your chairman of House Targaryen, Sixto S. Brillantes Jr. Mabuhay!
———————————-
“Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.”
~ Gore Vidal

Cybercrime Law
The controversial Cybercrime Law authored by EDGARDO ANGARA will take effect at 12:01 AM of October 3. The ************ senators ******** can’t possibly ******* on the ******* of it,  right?

Freest
Reports say Filipino Internet users are the freest in Asia and the sixth freest in the world. And Edgardo Angara was like, “’Yon ang akala n’yo!”

Imelda
Online reports say former First Lady Imelda Marcos is in favor of the entire Cybercrime Law. To report that Imelda Marcos favors the Cybercrime Law is like announcing that Chris Tiu will be cheering for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the UAAP Finals. #expected

Jinkee P
Jinkee Pacquiao is running for vice governor of Sarangani. As for the reason behind her decision to join politics, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

From Cyberspace and I So Agree

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: UNA/LP/Brillantes from Inquirer.Net]

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20 responses

2 10 2012
rojan88

diba sa LP coalition si Alan Peter? guest din ba sya sa UNA? hehehe. ang kulit nung kay manong ernie. “chos” hahaha

2 10 2012
onat725

ayaw ko magcomment baka e-libel ako. lol

3 10 2012
Xen

Hindi ba Vice Governor lalaban si Jinkee Pacquaio?

3 10 2012
Anonymous

HI Mr. Heckler. Jinkee P is running for Vice-Gov post, not for Gov. ;)

3 10 2012
none

mga kakkosa sa selda uno…

3 10 2012
Libertas

A new world for the brave.

“A really efficient totalitarian state would
be one in which the all-powerful executive
of political bosses and their army of
managers control a population of slaves
who do not have to be coerced, because
they love their servitude.”
― Aldous Huxley , Brave New World

Jinkee – vice-governor and pacquaio’s brother bobby running as congressman!!
A new dynasty arises. If brains were money they would be declared bankrupt, and tax-exempt. will the queen of all botox smile or speak in her campaign. hard to say.

With p-noy being voted the worlds worst leader (true statement from genuine survey rankpedia) ninoy must be turning in his grave, and cory, well, just doing the ironing.

3 10 2012
The Senatorial Candidates « Derdo's Weblog

[...] The Senatorial Candidates In Uncategorized on October 3, 2012 at 1:38 am  (image from http://professionalheckler.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/cirque-du-solol/) [...]

3 10 2012
ranjit

PH hindi ba considered as cyber crime to?! LOL! magkita kita tayo sa cyber jail! LOL!

5 10 2012
getmad

ranjit, just asking, saan kaya sa outer space nila ilalagay ang cyberjail? parang gusto kong pumunta doon. sa mars kaya kasi mukhang martian ang may akda at pumirma? o sa uranus para malunod sila? o sa neptune so they can call it cold blood murder?

5 10 2012
senior60

hindi makalboso si mister heckler dahil in the guise of heckling ang kanyang atake

3 10 2012
Libertas

“Power is not a means; it is an end. One
does not establish a dictatorship in order to
safeguard a revolution; one makes the
revolution in order to establish the
dictatorship. The object of persecution is
persecution. The object of torture is torture.
The object of power is power.”
― George Orwell , 1984

Malacanan to be renamed ‘Room 101′

3 10 2012
JL

hala ka! be ready for libel! hahaha. great read though!

3 10 2012
Libertas

Sir tim berners-lee inventor of the internet recently said that unscrupulous governments are blocking unfavourable/opposition web sites during elections.
Mmm, so thats the aquino plan

He also said the internet is there for people, run by people, and is not there for government control/propaganda, and that censorship should be opposed at all costs or society and basic freedoms will become retrogressive.
Sir tim would be the first to condemn what the aquino administration is trying to do.

3 10 2012
Anonymous

Hope you can do a post on celebrities running for office. Re Jinkee — tama na, sobra na!

3 10 2012
dinampurat

wagas ng soundtrack…idol! lol

3 10 2012
Mang Tasyo

This is your chairman of House Targaryen….

Panalo ang A song of Ice and Fire reference mo! :)

4 10 2012
Timow

[comment blocked pursuant to RA 10175]

4 10 2012
deuts (@deuts)

“Juan Ponce Enrile Jr! Inuulit ko: J U A N P O N C E E N R I L E Jr. #nuffsaid”
Hahahahah!

“This is your chairman of House Targaryen”
Hahahaha ulit! Pwede nga sya sa House Targaryen!

4 10 2012
Lapid

May limang Angara na tatakbo actually. So, may Angara rin sa munisipyo at 2 sa kapitolyo.

7 11 2012
unblemished

Natawa naman ako sa House Targaryen ni Sixto. Lels! Dothraki din ang peg.

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