CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

23 05 2012

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.


Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?


Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha


Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!


Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

About these ads

Actions

Information

43 responses

23 05 2012
Vickie

hay naku PH, ikaw ang winner….wala kang kakupas-kupas….luv the blog….

23 05 2012
tahimik

Just like any corrupt government official, when forced to a corner to answer on their wrong doings, they suddenly get sick…. how CONVINIENT for them….

I believe the late Angelo Reyes exit plan was much better… it served the people well since it was less time for speculations and barber talk and the people moved on…

CJ Corona, please dont make the Filipino people wait as we have other bigger problems such as poverty, economy, education and CHINA… and also kindly ask your doctors to pump youor body with pioglitazone and rosiglitazone for your diabetes as this will also finish your heart problem… d;)

23 05 2012
maganda

e luka luka ka pala tahimik e tumahimik ka nalang. kung gusto unahin ang poverty, economy, education at China e bakit di niyo unahin? bakit lahat ng government agencies ba nakatutok sa impeachment trial na ito? tell those prosecutions to bring also documents from ghost lady not just small lady. also, tell those prosecution to bring documents not only from anonymous but also from mr. kupido. baka sakaling gumaling si CJ corona sa heart problem nya.

25 05 2012
Philip

WAAHAHAHAHAHA! Couldn’t add more to this. Anggaleng ng reply mo. :D

24 05 2012
senior60

ano tahimik, tatahimik ka na lang ba? hindi ka ba aalma sa sinabi ni maganda na lukaluka ka? maganda pa naman sya na ewan kung totoo pero ganuon ang lumabas sa kanyang mga labi? hahaha minsan masaya din mag play taning…

1 06 2012
pinoyfunadvice

Little knowledge is dangerous @tahimik, look at lito lapid, overall I admire the Heckler for making my day. :-)

23 05 2012
Anonymous

galing..kuhang kuha at bentang benta..thanks to krissy marami may magawa at masabi dahil sa kalukahan mo

23 05 2012
Rommel

it’s more dramatic in the philippines, really!

23 05 2012
andrei

WHA!

23 05 2012
LOVE

Your entry is so interesting if KRIS AQUINO is there. KAKALOKA!

23 05 2012
libertas

Hilarious – need to go to ICU and be sedated.

Enrile’s face after Corona ‘walkout’ – priceless.
Looked as though he had just overdosed on his stem cell treatment.

Pimentel – wifeless.
Facebook needs special status categories to cater for senators:
Separated
Annulled
Wife abroad
Wife under house arrest
Open to offers
Dreaming
Saying nothing
Ask my mistress
Too old to care
I prefer running to relationships
In the closet

23 05 2012
Anonymous

Ahhaha! Nalerki ako sa pag take over ni Ate Krissy sa Senado! Ahahahahaha!

24 05 2012
dast

Very judgmental pinanganak at pinalaking amapalya ng mga magulang… before I read in this page na ung kay iggy aka jose pidal drama lng ang pag sasakit sakitan niya para makatakas in the end namatay toinks tapos e check baka indi c iggy ang nasa kabaong? Next c gloria kamo nagsakit sakitan lng din ano ung nasa leeg niya prosthetic? Ano ung operation niya sa likod gawagawa lng…? And now c corona na icu dahil na trigger ang kanyang heart problems ng dahil sa emotional stress, drama pa rin? Pano pag namatay drama parin bah? Beh sensitive people… wag masyadong judgemental…

25 05 2012
Bogart Resureccion

walang basagan ng trip igan.. kung trip mo ang bitter bitter mo, bahala ka.. we are doing this for fun.. kaya nga heckler e.. heckling – pangangantiyaw.. ang bitter talo.. hahaha.. just have fun.. baka ikaw ang maunang atakehin.. you seem to be so protective of mga kurakots.. wake up na.. dalawa lang naman iyan e.. sama sama nating labanan ang corruption o sumama ka sa corrupts.. hahaha..

24 05 2012
Angela Dee Harper

I’m reading you on Pulse! This is so funny :)

24 05 2012
astrobalmckoy

aliw!

24 05 2012
Trust

This is soooo funny!

24 05 2012
The Soul Explorer

Hahaha. Very Nice!

24 05 2012
Iced Greco

Oh wow, I’m very happy I read this today. It’s too funny!!! Will watch out for more :)

24 05 2012
Nonoy

Aha-ha-ha. Kaloka talaga. Bagay pala kay Kris maging Senate President. Sana tumakbo siyang senador para maging senate president siya at sana maraming impeachment trials pag si Kris na ang senate president.. Aha-ha-ha

24 05 2012
senior60

seriously, pag si kris ang tatakbo, sigurado number 1 yan kahit hindi ako bubuto sa kanya

26 05 2012
Nonoy

di rin ako boboto sa kanya.. pero kung sakali at manalo siya,, i-enjoy ko na lang ang moment… hahaha

24 05 2012
Anonymous

hahaha! LIKE 8…. BONGGA TLAGA C MISS KRIS!

24 05 2012
Anonymous

hahahaha! balulang talaga!

24 05 2012
Dann Guerrero

hahahaha..mga praning!

24 05 2012
Nonoy

BTW, thanks at nalaman ko na hiwalay na sila Koko at Jewel. Ang dami kong natutunan dito. :)

24 05 2012
Bike Velasco Catibog

You never fail to make me laugh. Winneeerrrr!

24 05 2012
Nathaniel Ong

see the saint,, I pray the Chief Justice will be happy in his life.

24 05 2012
Anonymous

KAKAloka..ang galing ng blog!…

24 05 2012
eddibumangon

“Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha”

Yeah right, people with simple tastes and lifestyles love to drive the Porsche.

24 05 2012
jay kanu

They ask me who is PH, i told them, don’t go to his blog- you’ll be addicted!!!
I suffered much..

24 05 2012
senior60

sayang at hindi nakalampas sa 13-year itch sina pimentel

24 05 2012
senior60

kung ako si noynoy, dahil sya ang talagang atat na mapatalsik si corona, convince the congressmen to sign the waiver, sa palagay ko naman, wala pang malalaking halagang nakurakot kung mayroon man dahil parang mga bagito pa sila, at siguro maliit pang mga halaga ang involved kung mayroon man dahil mga congressman pa lang..

kahit naman si drilon parang hindi naman mukhang kurakot, so, bakit ayaw din? dahil ano yun, hindi daw makakabuti sa banking system? e bakit kay corona gustong pabuksan?

24 05 2012
senior60

is there something funny when a person is sedated in the ICU?

24 05 2012
Anonymous

Hahaha!! Ang galing mo!

24 05 2012
mhaiisampole

Reblogged this on Apple of Your Eye and commented:
Hahaha. :) Love the blog. :D

25 05 2012
libertas

A sobering thought.
Judicial independence and separation of powers rests on a decision by Lito Lapid!

25 05 2012
Jeffrey Guerra (@jeffwar314)

Parang s krisaquinostd un ah LOL…. Fan n fan k in kris noh…

25 05 2012
senior60

ang eksena kanina sa senado ay parang may lamay, nagka besobeso, nagkabatibati na mga corona at basa, kulang na lang kape at biscuits

27 05 2012
Judith

OMG! This is so hilarious!!! Tustadong corned beef xD grabe bentang benta sakin tong post na to

27 05 2012
Judith

Reblogged this on LIVING WITH MY LOW ALLOWANCE and commented:
The MOST HILARIOUS post i’ve read in my entire “blogging” life!!! (≧∇≦)/ Just saw this posted by some journalists on their twitter accounts. I am loving this blog (。’▽’。)♡ Thank you so much to the blogger! Political issues in my country always makes me sick…and this blog is perfect. AWESOME! (☆^O^☆)

30 05 2012
Saint NathanielONg

i know God will always in the side of truth,share you my kiss. :-)

18 06 2012
Ruby Rock

I enjoyed reading this blog most. Thank you so much, kahit maraming utang keri parig mag laugh because of your blog.

Say something...

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 116,928 other followers

%d bloggers like this: