SALN, Kulam, Impyerno, Atbp. Kwento

10 03 2012

IT’S THE WEEKEND. Let’s try to answer some of the questions sent by our readers – political figures, celebrities, and concerned Filipinos. Have fun!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pangarap kong mag-guest sa iba’t ibang TV at radio stations. Ano ang dapat kong gawin?
Umaasa,
Luigi ng Kalookan

Dear Luigi,
Maging Chief Justice ka muna.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Palala nang palala ang kriminalidad sa aming bayan. Lately, mga estudyante na ang tina-target ng mga holdupper. Taga-Makati ka ‘di ba? And’yan ba ang mayor namin?
Worried,
Residente ng Los Baños

Dear Worried Residente ng Los Baños,
Malamang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko kahapon sa balita na ayaw ipakita ni Cong. Niel Tupas ang kanyang SALN sa GMA News. Bakit kaya?
Curious,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Sabi nga ng author ng ‘Up In the Air’ na si Walter Kirn, “Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na-gets ang sagot mo sa aking tanong. Puwede bang paki-explain?
Ako Ulit,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Ang kulit mo! Ganito na lang. Kumuha ka ng dictionary. ‘Tapos hanapin mo ang word na ‘hypocrite.’ ‘Yun na ‘yun!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Finally, after 52 long years, nahanap ko na yata ang aking Seoul soulmate. Dapat na ba akong mag-propose? Baka kasi makawala pa eh. What do you think? Btw, she’s Korean.
Yours truly,
John Lloyd of Manila

Dear John Lloyd,
Kung maka-John Lloyd ka naman! Kilala na kita! Huwag ka nang gumamit ng alias. Unfortunately, you can’t have the best of both worlds right now. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2016. Kung bago mag-2016 eh mag-break kayo, what else is new? Sanay ka na naman ‘di ba?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sssh, atin-atin lang ‘to. Meron akong naipong dolyar. Malaki-laki ring halaga ‘yon. Saang bangko ko kaya ito dapat ideposit?
Yumayaman,
Mr. Congressman

Dear Mr. Congressman,
Kung kaalyado ka ng administrasyon, it doesn’t matter kung saan mang bangko mo ‘yan itago. Hindi lalabas ang detalye ng account mo. Pero kung kalaban ka, #AlamNa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto mo bang mag-join sa Lambda Rho Beta? May orientation bukas. Free drinks.
Tara na,
Agaton

Dear Agaton,
Ayoko pang mamatay. Ikaw na lang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Balik-Senado na naman kami sa Lunes. Sawang-sawa na kasi kami sa panlalait, pagpapahiya, at panlelektyur sa amin ng isang senadora. Ano kayang mabisang pangontra?
Nag-iisip,
Congressman Niel

Dear Congressman Niel,
Umayos ka!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Totoo po bang kinulam si Mommy Dionisia?
Natatakot,
Karen of Gen San

Dear Karen,
Kung si Pacman ang tatanungin, hindi siya naniniwala sa kulam. Pero kung titingnan mo ang matanda, mukha nga siyang kinulam. Either that,or na-miss niya ang kanyang quarterly Botox injection. Hayaan mo na. Mapera naman siya.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I plan to visit your country soon. Where should I go?
Mabuhey,
Taylor Kitsch

Dear Taylor,
Where should you go?!? Go to hell.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino po kaya ang mas mayaman: si Aleli Arroyo o si Grace Ibuna?
Love,
Tsismosa ng QC

Dear Tsismosa,
Sinong mas mayaman? Si Atty. Lorna Kapunan! #AlamNa
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nagulat po ako sa bagong look ni Charice. May tattoo pa! Lesbian po ba siya?
Super fan,
Aizee

Dear Aizee,
Mahusay siyang singer!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapuso fan ako. Ano po ba ang ‘A’ sa GMA?
Nagmamahal,
Jayson Balingit Lalata y Rivera

Dear Jayson,
Ang ‘A’ sa GMA ay ‘Annabelle.’ Just kidding.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi ng matandang pari, meron daw impyerno. In fact, doon daw mapupunta ang senadorang nagsabing “gago” ang prosekusyon. Totoo kaya?
Naguguluhan,
Aling Pacing ng Payatas

Dear Aling Pacing,
Tinawag lang na gago ang prosekusyon impyerno kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng purgatoryo muna?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My teacher in kindergarten asked me to make a horse out of a three-piece puzzle. I told her “Only God can make a horse!” Ibinagsak niya ako! Tama ba naman ‘yon??!
Hmpf,
Benignoy

Dear Benignoy,
Tama!
Heckler
————————————————————————————-
“Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.”
~Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Have a great weekend!

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(Photos: iStockPhoto, CLipArt, GraphicImages)

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28 responses

10 03 2012
libertas

dear professional heckler

they say ” a good soup is better than a bad painting”, but are good meals worth bad sex.
btw, i’m korean
kim chi

10 03 2012
libertas

dear professional heckler

my boss keeps asking me to lie, and each time my ears get bigger.
what can i do

guinocchio

10 03 2012
iramzb

hahaha :D nice.. as usual todo laugh trip nanaman…

10 03 2012
iramzb

Reblogged this on whatramsays and commented:
Another post of my favorite hilarious blogger Heckler Forever with his epic notes on today’s current tabloids sa Pilipinas with a super LOL twist.

10 03 2012
eedyah

sinong pinoy ang takot sa impyerno? kahit di ka mag-u-utter ng word na gago etc, as long as pupunta ka sa mga government offices,phil embassies, eh impyerno na ang feeling mo dun. si father naman oh parating nagjojoke

10 03 2012
libertas

dear professional heckler

i find your blogs very funny.
they inject humour into my life.
i would laugh if i could, but i can’t!

vicki b

10 03 2012
libertas

dear professional heckler

we dont like anyone portraying hard-working self-sacrificing politicians as corrupt, hypocritical, self-serving, work-shy, freebie loading, and intlektahlly challenged wasters

just look at our SALN’s , if you can get a copy! hehe

i, for example get just 35,000 pesos a month, and only 2 BMW’s to my name (well, my 7 year old daughter’s name actually)

anyway we will be proposing an anti-satire bill so that you will show us in all our true glory

must go – constituent meeting at ‘boys r us’ , pattaya. PAL platinum cards at the ready.

the 188 club

10 03 2012
Dean bucad md

Tawa ako ng tawa habang naghihintay sa clinic akala tuloy ng mga tao i also flunked kindergarten lol!

11 03 2012
etchosera

Di nga? Nag-akala talaga sila?

10 03 2012
Ruby Rock

Lesbian po ba? He he …

11 03 2012
jasper

dear PH,

iniimbistigahan ng BIR income tax return ko ng 2010 kc maki gloria daw ako.

sasanib na ba ko sa LP?

pacman of sarangani

11 03 2012
libertas

congressman pacquaio

give undo god the things which are god’s, give unto kim henares the money you owe, and try to get your soul back from singson.
p.s. and start doing some work

11 03 2012
senior60

dear mister heckler

ang masasabi ko, walang purgatoryo, pero, if you’ll insist,
sige nga, bakit may purgatoryo pa

senior60

11 03 2012
senior60

dear mister heckler

sa pagkakaalam mo, sino ba ang nakikipagbreak,
si noynoy or ang kanyang mga gfs?

nagtatanong lang

senior60

11 03 2012
eddibumangon

dear mister heckler

sumbong ko lang po si senyor, tinatanong pa ang obvious.

12 03 2012
senior60a@yahoo.com

uuyyy eddi, huwag kang sumbungero..

at alin ang obvious, mali yata ang akala mo, halimbawa
na lang, sa atin lang ito eddi ha ( huwag kang maingay
at baka makarinig si mister heckler at etchos, hindi bale
na si libertas dahil mahirapan yon pag intindi ng tagalog)
alam mo ba kung bakit hiniwalayan ni noynoy si korina?
hindi pa ano? dito ma sashock ka, dahil daw sa spray net,
hindi nakayanan ang amoy nito kapag nasa kotse sila, ito
ay galing sa mapagkatiwalaan na source, si lolit..

11 03 2012
yhen

panalo ka talaga!

11 03 2012
Pam Escalante Vargas

dami ko tawa !ALIWWWWWWWWWW

11 03 2012
professionalheckler

ilan? haha thanks.

11 03 2012
MPRivera

ph, puwede bang magtinda dito ng tisyu?

pampunas.

sa luga, este luha at sipong tumutulo.

grabe kang bata ka!

11 03 2012
MPRivera

ikaw ga’y may natatago diyang islam buk ng iyong mamay atong corona?

ay, siya. sasusunod ay ‘yung kanya naman ang iyong ipablis dine. meron na ga?

12 03 2012
senior60

dear mister heckler

pwede ba payuhan mo si benignoy na sa uulitin
huwag na nyang lagyan ng f ang kanyang hmp
dahil mahirap mag pronounce lalo na at hindi ma
gamit ang ( pasintabi sa mga kumakain) posteso?

salamat in advance

senior60

12 03 2012
yas

A for Anabelle! Umayos ka nga! hahahahah

12 03 2012
libertas

SALN scam number 56

Pangilinan on his SALN: “We (wife
sharon cuneta) have a
prenuptial agreement. I cannot
disclose what’s not mine…”

all bribes/ill gotten wealth in wifes name!

12 03 2012
libertas

“Cuneta said she is currently building townhouses in a “nice area” near the Tomas Morato area in Quezon City.
She also bought a two-hectare oceanfront
property in Bohol, which she is planning to
develop into a retirement village.” abs news

extra ‘pork barrel’ will come in handy.

12 03 2012
qing dynasty

john llyod? bakit hindi si piolo … :)

14 03 2012
the Rappler(s)

Sir, i re-posted this article in “the Rapplers” blog.

http://therapplers.blogspot.com/2012/03/saln-kulam-impyerno-atbp-kwento.html

14 03 2012
professionalheckler

NO PROB. Thanks.

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