PRESIDING OFFICER KRIS AQUINO

21 01 2012

WHEN PRESIDING OFFICER Juan Ponce Enrile adjourned the impeachment trial last Thursday, there was a collective sigh of relief (on Twitter) among journalists and even radio/TV hosts covering the historic event. Finally, rest.

Monitoring the trial on TV as well as the press conferences and radio/TV interviews of both the prosecution and defense teams is actually draining. Maybe it would be less exhausting if the presiding officer was Kris Aquino. Hmmm, let’s see.

Day 1, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate and our beloved countrymen,

Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Madam Senate President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, good afternoon. Respectfully appearing for the House of Representatives’ prosecution panel, my name iz uh, Niel Tupas Jr. of Iloilo.

PO Kris: Teka lang. Niel Tupas Jr? So dad mo si Niel Tupas Sr? ‘Yong may graft case sa Ombudsman?

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Yes, Madam Senate President. But the case is pending and my father has never been convicted.

PO Kris: Oo nga. I said case. Wala naman akong sinabing convicted ‘di ba? Kaloka. Defensive much? Aha-ha-ha. Next!

Cong. Raul Daza: For the prosecution, Raul Daza, deputy speaker, first district Northern Samar.

PO Kris: Oh my God, Congressman Raul Daza?! The defense lawyer of Erap during his impeachment trial? Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Until now congressman ka pa rin? Overrrr! Next!


Congw. Marlyn Primicias Agabas: Conditionally, Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas, sixth district, Province of Pangasinan.
Congw. Arlene Bag-ao: Good afternoon Your Honor, respectfully appearing for the prosecution, my name is Arlene Bag-ao from the party-list Akbayan.

PO Kris: Sandali, what’s your name again?
Congw. Bag-ao: Ako po, Your Honor?
PO Kris: No, ‘yong unang girl.
Congw. Agabas: Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?
Congw. Agabas: Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Sosyaaal! Can afford. O, ikaw naman Congresswoman Bag-ao, sinong tumahi n’yan?
Congw. Bag-ao: SM lang po ‘to Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: Bongga! I like you! Walang pretensions. SM kung SM! Why not ‘di ba? Feeling ko Megamall ‘yan? Kultura?
Congw. Bag-ao: Tama po, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Winnnnner! Anyway, kahit identified ako sa mga taong nagsusulong ng ouster ng Chief Justice, uulitin ko lang, i will try to be fair. Pero, i admit, kapag nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga congressmen, naaalala ko ang dati kong show, ‘yong ‘The Price is Right.’ I don’t know why. Basta. Sandali, session suspended for 5 minutes muna! Retouch lang ako. Bambbi, ‘yong blush-on ko please.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris): I am baaaaack. Sorry everyone. Continue na natin. Team Jacob naman. Go!

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Kagalang-galang na Pangulo ng Senado,mahal naming miyembro ng Senado, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. This is retired Justice Serafin Cuevas, appearing for the respondent, Renato Corona, your honor. And for that purpose, may we be allowed to state for the record that the Honorable Justice Corona is here pursuant to the invitation of this honorable body.

PO Kris: Ang dami mo nang sinabi. Sandali lang Justice. How old ka na?

Justice Cuevas: For the record your honor, I am turning 84 years old in July.

PO Kris: Gosh, you’re that old na pala. In fairness, hindi halata Justice. Parang 80 ka lang. Aha-ha-ha Seriously, I’m impressed. I hope you don’t mind, sino po ang mas matanda: kayo o ‘yong Revised Penal Code of the Philippines?
Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, I object to this entire line of questioning. It’s leading… leading to the grave. That is totally irrelevant to the case.


PO Kris: Ay ganun? Fine! As you were saying, the respondent is here? Where is he seated?
Justice Cuevas: They’re at the second row of the gallery your honor. Tumayo po kayo Mr Chief Justice.
PO Kris: Oh, he. Is that Mrs. Corona beside him? In fairness huh, pretty s’ya. May taste ka Mr. Chief Justice. At sino ‘yong katabi ni Mrs. Corona? Si Atty. Midas Marquez ba ‘yon?
Justice Cuevas: Yes, your honor.
PO Kris: Mas pretty s’ya. Aha-ha-ha.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: Oh, wait I have a call. One minute suspension.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 3:
Presiding Officer Kris: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my son, Bimby. He’s watching the trial right now on TV. So if you would please, can you say “Hi Bimby!” Sige naaaa… matutuwa ‘yon. At the count of three, ok? 1, 2, 3…

Senators: “Hi Bimby!”
PO Kris: Yey! I love youuuu! Ok, proceed na sa opening statements. Team Edward mauna na kayo…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Today we lay down before this honorable impeachment tribunal the product of the collective voice of the people…

PO Kris: Teka lang. Maraming nanonood na ‘di nakapag-aral. Pakilinaw please ang ‘collective.’ Baka isipin nila, may na-collect kayo kaya inimpeach n’yo s’ya. Bad sa image ”yon. Please continue…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang ibig sabihin namin your honor, ang kasong ilalatag namin ay mula sa iisang tinig ng taong-bayan. And if I may proceed, before God and country we say this: you, Mr Corona, are an enemy to good government. Like Judas Iscariot, you betrayed your God for a few pieces of gold. In the name of God, go!

PO Kris: Excuse me Mr. Congressman! Unang-una, it’s not gold. Helloooo! It’s silver. Day 1 pa lang mali na ang research mo. Kainis kayo! Pinapahiya n’yo si Noy! And pleeeeeeease, avoid using the name of God. Kasi, hindi rin fair kung ‘di mo kukunin ang side ni God. Actually, God talked to me late last night. Dini-deny n’yang nag-usap kayo. Pa’no ba ‘yan? Careful ka. Perjury ‘yang ginagawa mo. To the impeachment court, ignore that portion about God okay. Mabuti nang safe. Team Jacob, your turn.

Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, Chief Justice Renato Corona is entitled to an acquittal of the charges against him. In addition to this representation your honor, may we also put on record, that he is entering a plea of not guilty to all the charges embodied in the complaint.

PO Kris: Day 1 pa lang ng trial, not guilty na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pakilala muna ang defense panel? Yes, what is the concern of the gentleman from Iloilo, Tito Frank, I mean, Senator Frank Drilon…

Senator Drilon: Just a point of order Kris, I mean, Madam Senate President. Anong ‘not guilty’ ang pinagsasasabi ng defense? That manifestation is premature! Defense panel is only supposed to enter their appearance.

PO Kris: ‘Yon nga ang sabi ko. Ayyyyy, not listening. Kainis. Masyado kang obvious Tito Frank. Premature assistance to the prosecution aha-ha-ha. Sorry. If you’re watching Noy, sorry.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: ‘Sensya na, sagutin ko lang. 10 seconds…

PO Kris: Oh? Really? Shocks, matutuwa sila. Ok,ok.. sige. Thanks Boy. Bye.

PO Kris: Ladies and gentlemen of the impeachment court, I have good news. We are trending worldwiiiiiide! Yey! In fairness! Tinalo pa raw natin ang Golden Globe Awards. Winnnnner! Dahil d’yan, I’ll let you rest muna. Tomorrow na lang ulit, 2PM okay? Trial adjourned.
————————————————————————————–
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
~Jeremy Bentham

Sa Ibang Balita
Good News: Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra “bagay” daw sa ating Pangulo
Bad News: Ayon kay Kris Aquino

Good News: Ayon sa SWS, bilang ng mga Pilipinong “mahirap” ang tingin sa sarili, bumaba.
Bad News: Bilang ng mga Pilipinong ‘in denial,’ tumaas.

Good News: SWS: Bilang ng “mahihirap” na Pinoy bumaba
Bad News: SWS survey sa Kongreso isinagawa

Briefly Noted: Wow Mali
Justice Secretary De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman regarding the Magtanggol Gatdula et al alleged kidnapping and extortion case. (Photo: ellentordesillas.com)

Annoying
Attention: President Aquino and Atty. Edwin Lacierda
10 of the Most Irritating Phrases in the English Language

Have a happy long weekend! Stay safe.

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56 responses

21 01 2012
libertas

Nice.

According to kris she could have been senate president, so reading it is scary and too close for comfort!

Kris also announced this week that she would like to do a film with bong revilla – translation – ‘we need your vote!’ i wonder what else is on offer.

Kris hasnt read diplomacy for dummies yet. Demeaning a visiting – and married – head of state!
1. Get briefed in advance
2. Engage brain before mouth, or twitter
3. International relations does not mean sex with a chinaman in japan.
Maybe she thought the thai pm was a mail order bride. A MALE bride to order would be more appropriate.

And like sister like brother, pimp-noy annoyed 4 high ranking US senators by leaving dinner to meet with prosecution team. Separation of powers!!

21 01 2012
Anonymous

bakla b c noynoy wala p kc cya wife?

20 11 2012
Juan

baka ikaw ang bakla. pag wala bang wife bakla na? ngek!

21 01 2012
Anonymous

Funny ka. Di ko pa napapanood ang Segunda Mano inspite of the rapaciou pluggings sa Twitter noong MMF.

21 01 2012
Anonymous

Funny ka. Hindi ko pa napapanood ang Segunda Mano inspite of the rapacious pluggings sa Twitter.

14 02 2012
Anonymous

soo,ikaw ang funny…pakialam ko kung di ka pananunuod…care bears!

21 01 2012
libertas

“Quick to judge,
Quick to anger,
Slow to understand

Ignorance and prejudice
And fear walk hand in hand…”
From song – the witch hunt – rush

Attendance of senator-judges:- going down day by day faster than a costa cruise liner – or, kris aquinos knickers on a saturday night.

“45 properties” – still waiting, and waiting..

Cuevas – a wily old fox playing a clever game. When it is the turn of the defence – a PR nightmare is looming for p -noy

Karen jimeno – move over kris aquino – next pantene shampoo endorser

Enrile – all credit. I’ll have some of whatever he’s on

21 01 2012
Marvin Tomandao

lol!!! lol!!! lol!!!

21 01 2012
teacherem

Regarding De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman, there goes the sloppy job again…Ilang beses na siyang pumapalpak huh… sometimes I wonder, if the President is also looking into De Lima’s performance the past months. Iba nga ba talaga ang tinitignan sa tinititigan?

21 01 2012
PRESIDING OFFICER KRIS AQUINO « The Professional Heckler | Pnoy Talks

[…] See more here: PRESIDING OFFICER KRIS AQUINO « The Professional Heckler […]

21 01 2012
alwayslookingout@yahoo.com

mali naman ata transcription mo ph. sabi ni tupas “a few pieces of gold”, hindi silver. historically and biblically, it’s silver, pero na-mention ni tupas gold.

seems subconsciously, he’s talking about himself na kakakuha lang ng share nya of gold from his highness

22 01 2012
professionalheckler

Oh. kaya pala. sa first draft ko kasi gold. and then… when i was editing it, sabi ko, mali yata ako. so i changed it to silver. si tupas pala talaga ang mali. thank you!

29 01 2012
meeney

even just to quote from the Bible sablay pa rin si tupas. hari nga yata ng sablay to.

22 01 2012
senior60

re: briefly noted: wow mali

libertas, take notice that there is only single l in drilon

22 01 2012
libertas

thaanks

22 01 2012
senior60

” care bears ” this is the first time that i’ve seen/read this,

ikaw mister heckler ha

22 01 2012
professionalheckler

that’s a Kris Aquino expression. She used that twice in a Startalk interview last Dec.

22 01 2012
Jove Francisco

Panalo!

22 01 2012
denis

Ah basta ma-impeach lang si Corona okay na sa PNoy government. Dedma na sa rising crime, dedma na sa rehabilitation of Iligan City and CDO. Anjan naman ang SWS surveys since year 2000 para i-sway opinion ng tao to PNoy’s favor eh. At yung mga trying hard to be militant at pa-politically conscious madaling ma-uto ng SWS. So basta ma impeach lang si Corona okay na. Next!

23 01 2012
senior60

next in line is gloria, the main target

22 01 2012
libertas

With p-noy making overtures to pacquaio to join the yellow army, would he be chief prosecutor? Now that would be fun.

22 01 2012
senior60

count in lagman, ‘di ba balimbing din ito?

22 01 2012
senior60

sorry libertas, hindi ko alam english ng balimbing,

but no problem because you have a translator

22 01 2012
libertas

a turncoat
but they all are – ‘follow the money’

23 01 2012
eddibumangon

turncoat

22 01 2012
pobrecita

A-HA-HA-HA! your kris’ entries are truly the best and the funniest… for me :) kung hei fat choi!

22 01 2012
naglalakadsadisyerto

kaloka!… er… ang galing ah! but for some reason, kris aquino actually sounds intelligent here (knowledgeable of case procedures, quick to note criminal records and current issues). well, she’s not stupid, i have to give her that, but she tends to think the entire business of running a country is nothing more than showbusiness.

25 01 2012
Anonymous

Because she’s not a politician, thats why..

23 01 2012
angelina

very nice sense of writing …satire in a real funny – humorous sense…ALL WE NEED to survive in a country such as ours…Msayahin talaga ang mga Pinoy , kyang tawanan ang kanyang sariling katatawanan…..hanggang tumulo ang kanyang mga luha sa katuwaan !!!!

23 01 2012
Pepper

So funny and so true.. If Kris will be the next Senate President, doomsday for the Filipino people

23 01 2012
libertas

get well soon santiago
apart from kris aquino, abs-cbn need you to boost the ratings/advertising revenue.
can part-time attendees vote!?

23 01 2012
jorge arenas,jr.

wanted: HUSBAND FOR THE HORNY LADY…..’ K ‘ UMPISA NG PANGALAN .

23 01 2012
jorge arenas,jr.

maganda nga, grabe naman sa ‘hilig ‘……taga-‘ makate ‘ yata ang babaeng ito……..!!!

23 01 2012
abdulla haziz

kakatakot ang babaeng ito….may VD yata,eh!!! nahihiya lang…magkamot….

23 01 2012
Dismantling Coronarroyo, A Conspiracy of Millions | Blog Watch Citizen Media

[…] to discuss some serious stuff, I would like to take this opportunity to correct the misimpression being peddled by a certain Professional Heckler. Ang suot ko noong opening ng Impeachment trial ay hindi galling sa alin man branch ng SM. Yan ay […]

26 01 2012
Baby

The PH is officially a cyber celebrity. Patola award is Congresswoman!

23 01 2012
rojan88

haha ang kulit. ang kulit ng picture ni frank drilon parang batang napagalitan. hehehe.

rep. bag-ao must be a first timer in this blog or kung sino mang informant nya. hahaha #mapagpatol. hehehe

———————————————————————————————-

http://rojan88.wordpress.com

24 01 2012
neil carmen,jr.

kalokaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

24 01 2012
jose

omfg, who are reading this imagining Kris’ voice? ahahahah

24 01 2012
taklesa_o_prangka

ako! ahahaha… pati facial expression. lol

24 01 2012
Anonymous

Count me in. Ahahahaha

25 01 2012
leahmartinez

me too.. aha ha ha

24 01 2012
leeseohae

Reblogged this on Wanderer's Haven: The Discarded Soul. and commented:
Humorous. And more or likely accurate. Thank you for the laugh!

25 01 2012
charmed

jose: ako! guilty! wahahah it just makes it more fun… kalokaaa… talagang with feelings ko binasa while imagining Kris’ voice…

mas kaloka pa if, Angelica P. will spoof this!! HAHAHA
MORE.. MORE.. abangan ko si DAY 2!!!

26 01 2012
Baby

Me too. Could see hand gestures pa. hahaha!

During the interview, she said: ‘maganda siya. And makinis kutis niya, parang AKO.’ classic k!

25 01 2012
makahiya

there you go again! dyan lang naman talaga magaling ang mga pinoy!.. nakakahiya at nakaka-awa na talaga tayong mga pinoy.. always after the fact!.. on the first place why did u allow this to happen to our country being run and manage by TRAPOS??? eh ngayon nakuha pa ninyong magpatawa!

walang ibang masisi kondi tayo rin OR kayong mga bumuto sa tangang presidente ninyo!.. the usual crab mentality pinoy maghanap nang tagasagot nang sisi pag naunsyami ang deal! pero pag ok.. nako lahat gustong pumapil!

Kaya magtiis na lang kayong sa presidente nyong utak naputakti!

25 01 2012
leahmartinez

Super funny.. nice one. laughter is the best medicine tlga for bad mood.. :D

26 01 2012
The Background Story

Hahahahahahaha Team Jacob and Team Edward ampf!

26 01 2012
Anonymous

Me correction lang po as regards facts on rep. Raul daza, di po sya defense counsel during erap impeachment, he was 1 of the public prosecutors too. He could not be on d defense being a congressman..

26 01 2012
30 01 2012
Gertrude Gamonnac

ang dami kong tawa sa moment nina Krissie at Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas… hahahahaha! Naisip mo talaga iyon?

7 02 2012
Olive Suarez Lavares

nyahaha…

15 02 2012
Anonymous

Good job! A humor with a sense of intelligence.

6 04 2012
Philippine Celebrity Photos

Nicely done. Love this.hehe

27 09 2012
“Honorable” Pwede na yan mentality back fires! | Get Real Post

[…] Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!” (source: http://professionalheckler.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/presiding-officer-kris-aquino/) […]

23 05 2013
Aivi

This is so funny. i just happened to stumble on this blog last week and ever since I’ve been glued… Reading all the back entries… More to come Heckler…

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