PINOY FIREWORKS

NARITO ANG LISTAHAN ng mga paputok na ‘in’ ngayon sa Pilipinas. Babala: Iwasan ang ilegal. Peligro ang dala ng mga ‘yan sa buhay.

Binay Firecracker: Ang pinaka-popular na paputok sa bansa ngayon. Hindi masyadong malakas at maingay pero kapag pumutok, maraming maliliit na tao ang nakaka-appreciate.

Noynoy Firecracker: Ang pangalawang pinaka-popular na paputok sa Pilipinas. Sa unang tingin ay harmless, pero mag-ingat ka. Sumasabog ‘yan nang harap-harapan; walang pinipiling lugar, kahit kaharap ka pa.

Noynoy Firecracker 1: Precursor ng Noynoy Firecracker. Mahigit limang dekada na; medyo hirap nang pumutok.

Erap Firecracker: Lumang uri ng paputok ngunit superpopular pa rin lalo na sa mga mahihirap. Nawala na sa market pero paminsan-minsan ay bumabalik. Huwag titikman. Masyadong bitter ang paputok na ito.

Gloria Firecracker: Ang pinakamaliit na paputok. Normally, sumasabog ito sa lupa pero may mga pagkakataong nagtatangka itong lumipad. Bantayan kung ayaw mong makawala.

Corona Firecracker: Sa unang sindi ay tahimik lamang pero habang tumatagal, lumalabas ang tunay na bagsik. Kahit mag-effort ka pang ito ay ihagis, hindi siya masyadong lalayo. Nand’yan lang siya.

De Lima Firecracker: Isa sa pinakamatinding paputok. Nakikipagsabayan sa mas malalaking firecracker. Mas bongga ang putok niya kapag maraming taong nanonood.

Pacquiao Firecracker: Kapag ‘di ka nag-ingat, siguradong “you’ll go the world and multiply… your fingers.”

Lacierda Firecracker: Napakaingay na firecracker. Kahit sino pinuputukan.

Lacson Firecracker: Kapag sinindihan mo ito, lilipad papalayo. ‘Wag mag-alala, babalik din ‘yan after one year.

Judge Jesus Mupas Firecracker: Ang pinakamabilis pumutok sa lahat ng uri ng firecracker. Bago ka makapagtakip ng tainga, nakaputok na.

Mar Roxas Firecracker: Kung sisindihan mo kasabay ng ibang uri ng paputok, mauuna siyang sumabog. Pero habang papalapit ang 12 midnight, nauubos ang kanyang lakas. Tatalunin siya ng ibang firecracker.

Manny V. Pangilinan Firecracker: Ang pinakamahal na paputok. Paborito ng mga basketbolista at iba pang atleta. May pagka-misteryoso ang putok nito pero deadma na. Ang mahalaga, nagdudulot siya ng saya.

Kris Aquino Firecracker: Isa sa pinakamaingay na paputok. Pero kahit gaano pa kaingay o kairitable ang tunog niya, hindi ka magsasawang panoorin; masyado kasing makulay.

Shalani Firecracker: Ang kabaligtaran ng Kris Aquino Firecracker. Pumutok na pala, hindi mo man lang namalayan.

Christopher Lao Firecracker: Pumuputok na walang warning. Hindi ka man lang sinabihan.

Palparan Firecracker: Ang kinatatakutang paputok ng mga Komunista. Marami nang namatay na maka-Kaliwa matapos masabugan ng firecracker na ito. Unfortunately, naubos na ang suplay. Hirap nang mahanap sa bilihan.

Jinkee Pacquiao Firecracker: Pagkasindi mo rito, titigan mo siyang mabuti. Mapapa-wow ka sa pagbabagong magaganap habang nagliliyab.

Ramon Revilla Sr. Firecracker: Kung paramihan din lang ng putok, walang tatalo sa kanya.

Midas Marquez Firecracker: Katamtaman lang ang lakas ng putok niya pero may ‘gulat factor’ kaya mapapatili ka.

Topacio Firecracker: Hugis itlog. Funny ang putok niya. Sa halip na masindak, matutuwa ka pa. Pero minsan, nakakainis na rin.

Velarde Firecracker: Siksik, liglig at umaapaw ang putok nito.

Tulfo Firecracker: Sa sobrang lakas ng putok, mapapamura ka!

Annabelle Rama Firecracker: Walang pagod sa kakaputok. Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, puputok siya kung trip niya.

John Lloyd & Shaina Firecracker: Kapag natilamsikan ka ng pulbura, kakapit sa iyo ito. Worse, posibleng lumubog ang ilang fragments sa balat mo. Mahihirapan kang bunutin. Ipa-doktor mo na.

Ramona Bautista Firecracker: Hindi mo pa man nasisindihan, lumilipad na. ‘Wag ka nang umasang makikita pa.

Azkals Firecracker: Cute ang sound. Favorite ng mga kabataan. Pero hindi gano’n kalakas ang putok. Malayo pa ang lalakbayin bago mapantayan ang lakas ng ibang firecracker.

Zubiri Firecracker: Sa kalagitnaan ng pagputok, biglang hihinto. Wala lang. Ayaw na niya. Bakit ba? Walang pakialaman. Napahiya na eh.

Piolo Firecracker: Kung babae ka, hindi mo siya mararamdaman. Pilitin mo man itong painitin o paapuyin, mabibigo ka. Hindi siya puputok. Try mo na lang pasindihan sa kapatid mong lalaki. Baka sakaling gumana.

Elena Bautista-Horn Firecracker: Wala talagang ganitong firecracker. Kathang-isip lamang ito. Gawa-gawa lamang.
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“Every year we see needless and preventable injuries from fireworks.”
~Jonathan Jackson

Happy New Year everyone!

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NEW YEAR’S EVE

INTERVIEWED BY ANC’s Lynda Jumilla, President Aquino says his No. 1 wish for 2012 is employment opportunities for Filipinos. To prove his sincerity, he then announces an opening in the Supreme Court.

Even before the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona could begin, President Aquino has already instructed his legal team to look for a possible replacement. In other news, Associate Justice Antonio Carpio is looking forward to a fruitful 2012.

Journalists describe Chief Justice Renato Corona’s legal team as “powerhouse.’ But Malacañang is unfazed. After all, it has the power, and it has the House.

New Year
It will be another exciting New Year’s Eve in the Philippines. While most Filipinos are ushering in 2012 with ‘sinturon ni Hudas,’ ‘bawang,’ whistle bomb, ‘Goodbye Universe,’ and ‘Goodbye Philippines,’ President Aquino is welcoming it with “Goodbye Corona.”

Just so you know, Senators Joker Arroyo and Juan Ponce Enrile almost got injured during last year’s New Year’s Eve revelry. Somebody mistook them for ‘super lolo.’

Atty. Ferdie Topacio is spending New Year’s Eve at Times Square in New York this year. He wants to see the ball drop.

Top 5 Signs You’re at a New Year’s Eve Party in Malacañang

No. 5: The piped-in music is ‘Estudyante Blues.’

No. 4: When you ask for a beer bottle opener, people tell you, “Look for Secretary Jojo Ochoa!”

No. 3: Josh.

No. 2: There’s a sign at the entrance that reads, “Valerie Concepcion Not Allowed”

And the No. 1 sign that you’re at a New Year’s Eve party in Malacañang…

The President is having the time of his life… mainly because ang New Year’s Eve ay isa sa mga rare occasions kung saan puwede siyang magpaputok!

Just Fair
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that the government’s treatment of former President Arroyo with regard to the case filed against her was “only fair.” That’s the opinion of 7 out of 10 Filipinos. The other three were Topacio, Horn and Lambino.

The Fugitive
Authorities have yet to locate retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. The government has offered a 500 thousand-peso bounty for his capture. Nobody knows his whereabouts but closest friends claim Palparan is really excited to learn how to cook adobo, afritada, and empanada.

Innocents
December 28 is Holy Innocents Day – a day to remember the massacre of the innocents. To commemorate the event, Mo Twister is uploading another video on YouTube.

GMA Says
GMA Network has denied Internet rumors that businessman Manny Pangilinan has acquired GMA 7. The network also denied reports there’s an ongoing negotiation between GMA owners and MVP. It seems that GMA has denied everything… except for DJ Mo’s allegation against Rhian Ramos.

Overseas…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-iL was buried today. Loyal supporters who attended the funeral will each receive a vial of uranium.

Thousands of people perished under Kim Jong-iL’s oppressive regime. Sorry, but the mass hysteria puts the fun in Kim Jong-iL’s FUNeral.

Kim Jong-iL has been laid to rest. In case you missed it, the North Korean dictator will be succeeded by his son, Bongbong Jong-iL.
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“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
~Bill Vaughan

Have a safe New Year!

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NOW SHOWING

IT’S THE ANNUAL festival of Filipino films again. Here’s a guide to the seven official entries.

Segunda Mano Two
Director: Jose Miguel Arroyo
Cast: Mike Arroyo, Iggy Arroyo, Jesus Versoza
Synopsis: Dalawang choppers ang ibinenta sa Philippine National Police noong 2009. Nang magpalit ng liderato ang PNP, natuklasang segunda mano pala ang mga naturang choppers at nalugi ang pulisya sa bentahan. May kung anong maligno rin ang sumasapi sa choppers kapag ginagamit. Minumulto ngayon ng choppers ang orihinal na may-ari, si FG, isang abogadong malapit sa dating administrasyon. Paano matatakasan ni FG ang nagmumultong choppers? Anong papel ang gagampanan ni Iggy Arroyo upang mahinto ang pagmumulto? Totoo kayang alam ni Jesus Versoza ang puno’t dulo ng kahindik-hindik na pangyayari? Ano na’ng nangyari sa Senate probe? Meron ba?
MTRCB Rating: “B” (Bistado)

Snakes, Rattlers, and Trolls 15
(Working Title: Ang 15th Congress)
Director: Feliciano Belmonte
Cast: Congressmen
Synopsis: Dahil sa isang sumpa, mahigit dalawang daang pulitiko ang isinilang na may non-human twin. Nahahati sa tatlong klase ang kakambal ng mga ito: ordinaryong ahas, makamandag na ahas, at troll. Naghahasik sila ng lagim sa pamayanan. Mawawala lamang ang sumpa kung gagamitin nila sa kabutihan ang inilaang pork barrel sa kanila. Sapat ba ang kahihiyan at konsensiya ng mga pulitiko upang labanan ang tukso ng salapi o hahayaan na lamang nilang malagay sa patuloy na panganib ang sangkatauhan?
MTRCB Rating: “PPL” (Pera, Pera Lang)

Asyong sa Lungga
Director: Leila De Lima
Cast: Jovito Palparan, UP students Karen Empeño and Sherlyn Cadapan
Synopsis: Ilang taon ring namayagpag bilang tagalipol ng mga Komunista at kanilang sympathizers si Asyong. Ngunit nang misteryosong mawala ang dalawang estudyanteng maka-Kaliwa, mariing itinanggi ni Asyong na siya ang may kagagawan. Nang maglabas ng arrest warrant ang DOJ laban kay Asyong, mabilis itong nagtago sa isang ‘di pa natutukoy na lungga. Matunton kaya ng mga awtoridad ang kinalalagyan ni Asyong bago mag-2012? Dumanak kaya ang dugo kapag hindi siya sumuko nang matiwasay? Bakit sa tinapang-tapang n’ya noon, bigla yatang umurong ang mga bayag niya ngayon?
MTRCB Rating: “D” (Duwag)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow… Traffic
Director: Francis Tolentino
Cast: MMDA Traffic Enforcers, Motorista, Indie Actors
Synopsis: Ang nag-iisang “road movie” sa film fest. Ang mga pangyayari ay naganap sa kahabaan ng Edsa limang araw bago mag-Pasko. Nagliligawan pa lang sina Mel at Glo nang simulan nilang baybayin ang kahabaan ng Edsa. Dahil saksakan nang bagal ang daloy ng trapiko, napasagot ni lalaki si babae. One hour later, hindi pa rin umuusad ang kanilang behikulo. Nag-away. Nagbati. Naglambingan. Halos mauwi ulit sa hiwalayan. Sinisi ng dalawa ang matagal na biyahe. Nag-usap. Nagpaliwanagan. Finally, after two hours, gumalaw ang mga sasakyan. Ngunit saan patungo ang relasyong nabuo sa lansangan? Ilang pagmamahalan pa ang malalagay sa peligro dahil sa ‘di masolusyunang problema sa daan?
MTRCB Rating: “TF” (Traffic Forever)

Jueteng ng Ina Mo
Director: Bong Pineda
Cast: Lilia Pineda, Pampanga Mayors
Synopsis: Matapos patalsikin sa puwesto ang isang pari, matagumpay na nasakop ni Madam ang panlalawigang pamahalaan. Si Madam ay asawa ni Lord, ang diumano’y operator ng jueteng sa Central Luzon. Ang sabi ni Madam, wala na raw ilegal na sugal sa kanyang nasasakupan. Ngunit maraming residente ang nagtaas ng kilay at sinabing ito’y isang pantasya lamang. Sino ang dapat paniwalaan? Ang publiko o ang kapitolyo? Wala na nga kayang bola ng jueteng sa Pampanga o binobola lamang tayo ni Madam Lilia?
MTRCB Rating: “K” (Kubrador)

Ang Pandak
Director: Jesus Mupas
Cast: CGMA, Noynoy Aquino
Synopsis: Matapos mamuno sa kaharian sa loob ng siyam na taon, nabunyag ang mga katiwalian ng Pandak. Kasunod nito, isang bagong usbong na mandirigma ang nangakong parurusahan ang nagkasala. Malaki rin ang tampo ng mandirigma dahil sinuportahan ng dating pinuno ang pamamahagi ng lupaing pagmamay-ari ng kanilang angkan. Magtagumpay kaya ang mandirigma sa hangaring maparusahan ang dating pinuno? Kailan matatapos ang maaksyong labanan? Makabalik pa kaya sa kapangyarihan ang Pandak? Bakit single pa rin ang mandirigma?
MTRCB Rating: “WWL” (Weather, Weather Lang)

Oh My Househusband
Director: Mommy D
Cast: Manny P, Jinkee P
Synopsis: Matapos na muling maugnay ang pangalan ni lalaki sa ibang babae, nagbanta si misis na ididiborsyo n’ya ito. Natakot si mister. Nangakong magbabagong-buhay. Iniwasan nito ang mga taong bad influence raw sa kanya. During his last birthday, si misis ang nag-approve ng guest list. Wala sa listahan ang ilang pangalang matagal nang kaibigan ni mister. Bukod dito, napapadalas ang pagsama ni mister sa mga Bible study sessions. Sa halip na magsugal, sa bahay na lamang ito tumatambay upang gampanan ang papel ng isang mabuting asawa. Mapanindigan kaya ni mister ang kanyang ginagawa? Hanggang saan mangingibabaw ang kagustuhan ni misis? Alin ang mas nakakagulat: ang pagbabagong-buhay ni mister o ang pagbabagong-anyo ni misis?
MTRCB Rating: “BSP” (Bait-baitan si Pacman)

Note: All movies are showing until January 2012 in theaters nationwide. Enjoy!
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“One of the joys of going to the movies was that it was trashy, and we should never lose that.”
~Oliver Stone

Personal
As tradition dictates, the Los Angeles Lakers lose another game on Christmas Day. Lakers pa rin! Happy Holidays from Kobe and company!

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GREETINGS!

To the best blog readers in the world… YOU:

Thank you for your support, reactions, criticisms, and love! I appreciate it.

All together now: Single bells, single bells, single all the way….

Happy Holidays everyone!

PICK-UP LINES OF FAMOUS FILIPINOS

INSPIRED BY an article on College Humor’s website, here are the pick-up lines of famous Filipino men:

Apolinario Mabini: Except for my legs, lahat sa akin, tumatayo.

Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.

Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.

Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.

Juan Luna: Kapag kasama kita, mas nagiging makulay ang mundo ko.

Amado V. Hernandez: Gusto mong makita ang aking ibong mandaragit?

Mar Roxas: Magaling akong pumadyak.

Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ko ang matigas sa akin.

Fidel V. Ramos: Hmmm, maliban sa bibig ko, saan ko pa kaya pwedeng ipasok ang tabakong ‘to?

Manny Pacquiao: Tara, let’s go to the world and multiply.

Jose Ma. Sison: Blusa! Palda! Panty! Ibagsak!

Efren “Bata” Reyes: Puwede ko bang ikiskis ‘tong tako ko sa tisa mo?

Manny Villar: Basta ako, kaya ko ang double insertion!

Bro. Mike Velarde: Dila ko pa lang, matigas na.

Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?

Rene Mariano, psychic: May future tayong dalawa.

Noynoy Aquino: Alam mo, matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi napapaputok ‘tong baril ko.

Gomburza: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”

Christmas Surveys
A Social Weather Stations Survey showed that 23 percent of Filipinos prefer to receive money as gift on Christmas. Those Filipinos were later identified as “congressmen.”

Another survey revealed that only 3 in 5 Filipinos would be happy this Christmas. To illustrate, think of the Aquino family. There’s Ballsy, Pinky, and Viel. That’s three. And then there’s, Noy and Kris.

Happy Holidays! Have a safe Christmas break everyone!

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DEAR SANTA/LOVE, GLORIA

FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be spending Christmas at the hospital. It’s the closest she could get to a ‘white Christmas.’

The court has reportedly allowed Mrs. Arroyo access to television. When she heard this, Leah Navarro offered to donate a Black and White TV.

The Arroyo family vowed to make it ‘Christmas as usual’ for the detained former president. There will be a salu-salo, a short program, and games. I heard that the Arroyo grandchildren really wanted to play ‘Trip to Jerusalem’ but the DOJ reminded them of an existing watch list order.

And believe it or not, those kids also wanted to do palo sebo. The former First Gentleman will provide the sebo.

Top 10 Christmas Wishes/Messages Sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus
(List forwarded to The Professional Heckler by Santa Claus himself)

No. 10:
Dear Santa,
Gusto kong makilala sina Valerie Concepcion at Francine Prieto. I want to personally thank them. Wala lang.
Little Gloria

No. 9:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ako makagalaw. Limitado ang aking kilos. Sa sitwasyon kong ito, nawa’y manatiling faithful ang asawa ko. Ilayo mo siya sa tukso.
Little Gloria

No. 8:
Dear Santa,
I hope maging stronger ang relasyon ni Secretary De Lima sa boyfriend niya. Kung pwede nga Santa, mag-asawa na siya para mabawasan ang pagiging moody niya na ako lagi ang biktima. Please.
Little Gloria

No. 7:
Dear Santa,
Makarma sana ang mga kongresistang isa-isang tumalikod sa akin. Mga oportunista! May araw din sila.
Little Gloria

No. 6:
Dear Santa,
Uy, Mareng Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, ‘musta ka na? Miss ko na kayo. Visit naman kayo rito sa VMMC. Wala akong cell kaya ‘di kita ma-text eh!
Little Gloria

(Sumagot si Santa: “Dear Little Gloria, Sa North Pole mo na-send ang iyong letter sa iyong doktora. Malayo kami sa St. Luke’s. Tanga! – Santa)

No. 5:
Dear Santa,
Pahabain mo pa ang buhay ni Father Joaquin Bernas. His insights have been very helpful.
Little Gloria

No. 4:
Dear Santa,
Patnubayan mo ang kalusugan ni Atty. Ferdie Topacio. Sa mga pagkakataong ako ay sad, napapatawa ako ng kanyang mga banat. Ilayo mo sa disgrasya ang kanyang mga bayag.
Little Gloria

No. 3:
Dear Santa,
Bahala ka na kay Rene Corona. Mabait na tao naman ‘yon. Maaasahan sa lahat ng oras. Paki-assist na lang sa impeachment.
Little Gloria

No. 2:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ko gusto ang inaasta ng Judge Mupas na ‘yon. I smell conviction. Kunin mo na s’ya.
Little Gloria

And the No. 1 Christmas wish/message sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus…
Dear Santa,
Big favor naman. Nagpabili ako ng kahun-kahong pakete ng sigarilyo. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan para makaganti ako. Pakidala naman sa bahay ng pangulo. Thanks.
Little Gloria

CPP Anniversary
Founded on December 26, 1968, the Communist Party of the Philippines is celebrating its anniversary on Monday. Congratulations to the CPP for sustaining a 43-year-losing streak.

Palparan on the Run
The hunt is on for retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. Immigration personnel have been alerted for a possible passenger whose face will be partly covered by a camouflage scarf.

MMFF
Kris Aquino says her film fest entry ‘Segunda Mano’ will keep moviegoers on the edge of their seats; feeling nervous because of uncertainty. Apparently, the film was inspired by the Aquino government.

I intend to watch Kris Aquino’s movie ‘Segunda Mano.’ I wanna get scared and laugh at the same time.
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“Revenge is a confession of pain.”
~Latin Proverb

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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iL-FATED

WE’RE HAVING our Christmas party tonight. We don’t want people to know that we’re partying amid the existing state of national calamity… so we decided to scratch Valerie Concepcion’s name off the list of invited performers.

Four Days Later…
Four days after tropical storm ‘Sendong’ battered Northern Mindanao, President Aquino visited the region. He was shocked by the scale of devastation, and was even more shocked to see a sign that read: “Vice President Binay was here.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay visited typhoon-ravaged areas in Cagayan De Oro Sunday. This guy’s not just one step ahead of the President. He’s ahead by ahhm, 2016.

Canceled
President Aquino has decided to cancel the annual Cabinet Christmas party. That means, no exchange gifts between Cabinet officials. Members of Balay and Samar will continue to “exchange contempt” though.

Kim Jong-Dead
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il reportedly died of heart attack. What a shock! He had a heart?!? Really?!?

Kim Jong-il is dead. In loving memory of their Supreme Leader, North Koreans will starve one family member each to death.

News of Kim Jong-il’s death spread like wildfire on Twitter… to which North Koreans said, “What’s Twitter?”

According to state-run television, Kim Jong-il died of a massive heart attack caused by overwork and stress. You’re safe President Aquino.

Kim Jong-il was in power for 17 years… or as Jejomar Binay would say, “briefly.”

Moammar Kaddafy is dead. Kim Jong il is dead. The world had lost two fashion icons this year.
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“A leader is a dealer in hope.”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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VALERIE AND THE PRESIDENT

SUNDAY. As Northern Mindanao reels from one of the worst flooding in decades, people on Twitter curiously asked the whereabouts of President Aquino. And then at around 10PM, actress/TV host Valerie Concepcion tweeted this:

Reacting to the RTd tweet, Usec. Manolo Quezon of the Communications Group said the PSG event happened last December 10. But when told that Valerie’s tweet was fresh, he replied: “confirming.”

Asked if the ‘PNoy’ she tweeted about was ‘PNoy the President,’ Valerie said:

When the President started drawing flak because of her tweet, Valerie posted:
I just want to clarify that I was invited to perform at Malacañang’s Christmas Party for their employees with their husbands/wives and kids. Yes, the president attended the gathering. I do not see anything wrong with that since its his obligation and responsibility being the head of Malacañang to be present and show his support for his hardworking employees and their respective families. But I believe that it doesn’t mean that the president is not thinking of ways to help our kababayan(s) in Mindanao. It doesn’t mean that the president is disregarding the plight of our fellow Filipinos. Let’s not be too quick to judge. But if I, in any way, offended you guys and sounded insensitive, I am very sorry. It wasn’t my intention to do either. I can’t imagine how difficult life is for the people affected in Mindanao and how difficult it is to be the president of the Philippines at this moment. Once again, I am very sorry for all those people I have offended. May God bless us all.

Oh dear, you didn’t have to apologize on behalf of the President. Unless you wanted to be part of his Communications Group. No one was blaming you after all. No harm done Valerie. You did great.

Tabloids!
Tabloid Headline: Malacañang wala raw alam sa kudeta vs. Enrile
> Wala rin daw silang alam sa impeachment ni Corona

Tabloid Headline: Ate Guy hindi sinipot ni Erap
> Saan? Sa inuman?

Tabloid Headline: Mag-utol na Tiangco namigay ng bahay
> Ang catch, sa gate ng bahay may malaking sign: ‘Constructed through the initiative of… ‘

Tabloid Headline: Governor ER Ejercito, nagsawa sa kakahalik kay Carla
Tabloid Headline: Governor ER galit kay Mother Lily
Tabloid Headline: Governor ER ipapaubaya sa abogado ang problema kay Direk Tikoy Aguiluz
> Spell PROMO.

Tabloid Headline: P100 milyong suhol ibinuking ni Abalos
> When it comes to bribes, you gotta trust this guy

Tabloid Headline: Apat na miyembro ng pamilya, nalason sa burger
> “Baka pati ‘yan ibintang sa akin!?” – Abalos

Tabloid Headline: Pinoy nakatakdang ibitay sa Saudi
> Ibitay? Parang may mali sa iverb na ‘yon.

Tabloid Headline: Lumuhod na walang belo, bading inaresto
> Eh kung may belo, ‘di siya aarestuhin?

Tabloid Headline: Bangkay ng lalaki, ibinitin sa poste
> Double dead.

Tabloid Headline: Mayor, naglabas ng ari sa eroplano
> Snake on a plane!
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“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou

Northern Mindanao Needs Us
How to donate, volunteer for Sendong victims

Have a great week ahead! Stay safe people!

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CONGRESS, CORONA, KOBE

TWO DAYS AFTER the Lower House voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona, President Aquino partied with the congressmen at the House of Representatives. The mood was festive. It just got a little awkward when the solons started shouting, “Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!”

President Aquino had fun partying with congressmen on Wednesday night. He even performed his favorite Freddie Aguilar hit, ‘Estudyante Blues.’ You know, that song that goes, “Si Gloria’ng nakikita, Si Gloria’ng nasisisi, si Si Gloria’ng laging may kasalanan.”

Congressmen had a blast at the Lower House’ Christmas Party last Wednesday. Aside from live performances, the solons participated in a variety of fun contests. In the game called “Trip to Jerusalem,” Batangas Rep. Hermilando Mandanas lost a chair.

Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco refused to join the games. He complained that the game masters did not allow him to read the mechanics.

Rating
In the latest Pulse Asia survey, President Aquino got an approval rating of 72. In high school, that’s an F.

Truce
President Aquino has declared an 18-day holiday ceasefire with the New People’s Army. For a moment, Chief Justice Renato Corona wished he was a Communist.

Corona Retaliates
Despite Malacañang’s relentless attacks, Chief Justice Renato Corona said he would not resign. According to Corona, “Handang-handa akong humarap sa paglilitis.” Take that Merceditas Gutierrez!

In his speech Wednesday, Chief Justice Corona used strong words like “diktadurya,” “kasakiman,” and “pambabastos.” The President just laughed off the tirade. But when Corona said, “Mapalad po ako na mayroon akong isang mabait at matatag na kasama sa buhay, na siya ring pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at inspirasyon. Mahal na mahal kita, Tina.” – the president protested, “That’s way out of line! Wala namang personalan.”

Multiple Missus
Veteran journalist Marites Dañguilan Vitug revealed that Chief Justice Renato Corona’s wife Cristina once held five positions all at the same time at Camp John Hay in 2007: chairperson, president, chief executive officer, chief operating officer and board member. Mrs. Corona declined to react to the report while her four other personalities were unavailable for comment.

Hopeful
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, about 9 in 10 Filipinos are optimistic about 2012. The other one was Mrs. Arroyo.

The Proposal
A radio reporter proposed to his girlfriend in front of President Aquino during Thursday’s Christmas party of the Malacañang Press Corps. The radio reporter is now barred from covering Malacañang for insulting the Chief Executive.

Ateneo Dethroned
An update on the recently concluded Philippine Collegiate Champions League: The San Sebastian Stags dethroned defending champions Ateneo Blue Eagles, 73-67. President Aquino who is an Atenean allegedly quipped, “May iba namang coronang pwedeng mawala, bakit ‘yon pa?”

TIME’s Choice
‘The Protester’ has been named by TIME magazine as Person of the Year. Huh? Why them? There are more deserving people on Earth. I do not understand! This is unfair! This isn’t just right! I totally disagree! I demand a recount! I protest! Booooo!

Kobe and Vanessa
Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That’s equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.

NBA superstar Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa has reportedly filed for divorce. Vanessa believes Kobe has been unfaithful… again. And Krista Ranillo was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Vanessa Bryant is divorcing 5-time NBA champ Kobe Bryant. I am confident that Chief Justice Corona and the Supreme Court will issue a TRO soon.

Team Kobe says Vanessa and Kobe Bryant have been having marital problems of late. That explains why before today’s training, Kobe led the team’s Bible study session.
————————————————————————————–
“The ‘morality of compromise’ sounds contradictory. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an admission of defeat. Strong men don’t compromise, it is said, and principles should never be compromised.”
~Andrew Carnegie

You Have Spoken
Ano ang dapat maging sunod na hakbang ni Chief Justice Renato Corona?
- Resign! 38.41%
- Harapin ang trial sa Senado 52.25%
- Ewan. 9.34%

Merry Christmas! Happy weekend!

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PILIPINAS 2011

The largest crocodile, the smallest ex-president,
the nastiest feuds, the silliest spokespersons,
the best TV shows, the most overrated people,
the biggest shockers, and more.

Check out who made our list of 2011 newsmakers.

News Story of the Year:
The arrest of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Newsmaker of the Year:
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Breakthrough Performance – Comedy:
Atty. Ferdie Topacio

Breakthrough Performance – Action:
Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte

Breakthrough Performance – Drama:
Ramona Bautista

Breakthrough Performance – Mystery:
Sen. Panfilo Lacson

Breakthrough Performance – Legal Drama:
Sec. Leila De Lima

Breakthrough Performance – Short Film (LGBT):
Atty. Midas Marquez

Breakthrough Performance – Adventure:
Christopher Lao

Excellence in Writing – Political Thriller:
Elena Bautista-Horn (Put the Little Girl to Sleep)

Excellence in Writing – Medical Drama:
Atty. Raul Lambino

Excellence in Writing – Romantic Comedy:
President Aquino

Most Daring Political Tweet of the Year:
Atty. Edwin Lacierda @dawende: “Noticed how Leftists are so onion-skinned? Tinawag lang (na) perjuicio ang strike, pumuputok ang butchi nila! Mahilig bumanat pero mga pikon pala.”

Most Outrageous Non-Political Tweets of the Year:
Cong. Jules Ledesma @julesled: “To hatid or notThat is the question. Whether tis not yet light tis perhaps my duty… Ulol gust molang rumonda charos. Ganun narin yon echos”

And another…. @julesled: “Dear antok eto doble bayad insomia natin sya­para saddam bukascyan hehe alam ko yaman yaya kandado ng kwarto la na ‘yun”

Everything 2011: The Top Five

Top 5 Shockers (Did anyone see that coming?)
- The arrest of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
- The impeachment of Chief Justice Renato Corona
- The suicide of Angelo Reyes on President Aquino’s 51st birthday.
- The resignation of Sen. Miguel Zubiri
- KC Concepcion’s revelations on the sad state of her relationship with Piolo Pascual

Top 5 Feuds
- President Aquino and Secretary De Lima vs. Chief Justice Renato Corona and the Supreme Court

- Mayor Sara “The Davao Punch” Duterte vs. Court sheriff Abe Andres

- Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. leftist rallyists; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Harry Roque; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Ferdie Topacio; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Cong. Edcel Lagman, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Elena Bautista-Horn, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Midas Marquez, etc.

- (tie) Cong. Mitos Magsaysay vs. Communication Group’s Ricky Carandang and Abigail Valte / Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay vs. DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo

- Willie Revillame vs. netizens, DSWD, MTRCB and CHR on the ‘Janjan macho dancing’ incident

Top 5 ‘Shut Up Ka Na Please!’
- Elena Bautista-Horn: “May mga nagsumbong po sa amin na mga nasa administrasyon ngayon na meron po silang masamang balakin. Meron sila ngayong ‘Operation Put the Little Girl to Sleep.’ Ni-report na po sa amin ‘yan.”
- Atty. Ferdinand Topacio: “Ipapatanggal ko ang itlog ko kapag ‘di bumalik ang mga Arroyo.”
- Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether they would admit it or not, the PISTON-led transport strike is a dud!”
- Bishop Teodoro Bacani: “’Tong same sex marriage, napapangitan talaga ako. Kadiri. Para tayong gaya gaya puto maya. Laban ito sa salita ng Diyos”
- Annabelle Rama: “Hoy tanga, tangengot, duwag, gusto mo sampalan na lang tayo? Hinahamon kita Nadia magpa-drug test ka! Kumikita ang mga bata, akala mo superstar, pinapa-release n’ya sa akin. Hoy manigas ka! Tanga! Hindi ko ire-release ang anak mo gago! Hina-hunting ka ng may-ari ng bahay hindi ka nagbabayad. Kinuha mo ‘yong mga kama nila, pati mga sofa nila, baboy ka!

Top 5 “That was fast!” Moments
- The impeachment of Chief Justice Renato Corona
- Judge Jesus Mupas’ issuance of an arrest order vs. CGMA
- The engagement of Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad and Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo
- Murder suspect Ramona Bautista’s flight to Turkey after being implicated in the murder of her brother
- The Year 2011. Parang kailan lang.

Top 5 ‘What the hell was that?’ Moments
- Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblo’s letter to then President Arroyo: “I hope you will never fail to give a brand new car which would serve as your birthday gift to me.”
- Brgy. Ayala Alabang’s ordinance requiring people who buy condoms to present a doctor’s prescription
- Batangas Governor Vima Santos and the provincial government’s proposal to erect a Hollwood-like structure on Taal Volcano Island
- QC Rep. Winnie Castelo and his Anti-Planking Act of 2011
- Bohol Rep. Rene Relampagos’ proposed measure seeking to name Edsa after former President Cory Aquino

Top 5 Negastarlets
- Mr. and Mrs. Jacinto and Erlinda Ligot
- Maria Ramona Bautista-Bülbüloğlu and Genelyn Magsaysay
- The SUV bishops
- AVE Party List Eulogio ‘Menopausal Bitch’ Magsaysay
- Cat killer Joseph Carlo Candare

Top 5 ‘Almost Famous’ a.k.a.The Andy Warhol Awardees
- Christopher Lao: “I should have been informed. Dapat ininform. ‘Yun lang ‘yun eh.”

- DPWH executives in the altered/Photoshopped image that was uploaded to the DPWH’s official Facebook Like Page

- James Soriano: “Filipino was the language of the streets: it was how you spoke to the tindera when you went to the tindahan, what you used to tell your katulong that you had an utos, and how you texted manong when you needed ‘sundo na.’”

- Amanda Coling: “”Still I have high regards for the Azkals. Sana they bring more glory to the country. Sana matapos na ang issue. But if not, sana justice will be served sa karapat-dapat.”

- The zodiac sign Ophiucus. Akala mo, maniniwala kami sa ‘yo? Ulol.

Top 5 “Bravo!” Moments
- COA Auditor Heidi Mendoza’s testimony on the alleged corruption in the AFP
- The MMDA’s anti-smoking campaign in Metro Manila
- The bayanihan spirit after the onslaught of several typhoons (Pedring, Onyok, Quiel, atbp)
- The Puerto Princesa Underground River as one of the New Seven Wonders of Nature
- Beauty queens Shamcey Supsup and Gwendoline Ruais win, and UP student Danica Magpantay named Ford Supermodel 2011

Top 5 ‘Wanted: Law & Order’ Situations
- The killing of 19 soldiers in Mindanao
- The bombing of a bus along Edsa-Buendia killing at least four and wounding 18. The bombers are still out there!
- The murder/suicide of two teenage males in SM Pampanga
- The brutal rape/murder of two university students: UPLB’s Given Grace Cebanico and Bicol University’s Laesybil Lim Almonacid
- Rampant carjacking (and murder) in early 2011

Top 5 Comebacks
- Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I learned to cook embotido, afritada, adobo, sinigang, and empanada with the help of Google.”
- Sec. Mar Roxas: From vice president-wannabe to chief of DOTC
- Lintang Bedol: “Hello! Kumusta kayo lahat?”
- Nora Aunor
- TV5. The station formerly known as the ‘fastest growing network’ is definitely back luring such bankable stars as the Megastar, the Superstar, and the Diamond Star. Isang ‘star’ na lang ang kulang. Si Star Querubin.

Top 5 Going, Going, Gone
- Former Sen. Migz Zubiri
- Former Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
- Those huge, sexy billboards in the metro
- President Aquino’s Porsche
- Friendster

Top 5 Superlatives
- NAIA, the world’s worst airport and the fifth most hated
- Lolong, the world’s largest crocodile
- Junrey Balawing, the world’s shortest man alive
- John Gabriel Pelias’ 1.016 GWA – the highest general weighted average achieved by a UP graduate in the last 63 years. He was a math major.
- World’s longest line of coins

Top 5 Favorite Pastime
- President Aquino’s love life-related quips, e.g. “Noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.”
- ABS-CBN’s ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’
- Annabelle Rama’s tweets, tantrums and tirades
- The Buzz’ KC Concepcion interview and Piolo Pascual’s sexuality
- Hilarious posers on Twitter, e.g. @superstarmarian, @ofacialdionisia, @krisaquinoSTD

Top 5  Overrated Things/People
- President Noynoy Aquino
- Ex-AFP bagman-turned-whistleblower George Rabusa
- Philippine Azkals
- Anne Curtis, the recording artist. As i tweeted the other night, ‘You can’t get away with it. Unless you’re Anne Curtis.’
- The blockbuster comedy ‘Praybeyt Benjamin.’ I want a refund.

Top 5 Sports Moments
- The Philippine Dragon Boat Federation’s successful stint in Florida, USA
- Kobe Bryant and the NBA selection vs. UAAP and PBA stars
- David Beckham and the LA Galaxy vs. Philippine Azkals
- Pinoy pugs rule: Manny Pacquiao, Nonito Donaire, Brian Viloria and Ana Julaton
- Gilas Pilipinas places fourth in the FIBA Asia

Top 5 Things on TV Newscasts that Make You Go, “WTF!”
- TV Patrol‘s inane poll question, e.g. (1) “Sa inyong palagay, dapat bang gumamit na lang ng Filipino si Shamcey Supsup sa pagsagot ng tanong sa Miss Universe pageant?” Why, what’s wrong with her English? (2) “Kailangan bang buwisan ang kontribusyon sa SSS, Pag-IBIG at GSIS?” Do you really expect people to say “Yes, feel na feel naming magbayad ng buwis!” Come on.

- Some of Lhar Santiago’s reports on 24Oras that are annoyingly pa-tweetums, e.g. (1) “Louise De Los Reyes malaki nga ba ang crush kay Alden Richards? (2) “Bea Binene extra-close daw ngayon kay Derrick Monasterio.” | WEHHHHH ANO NGAYON?

- The high-pitched Erwin Tulfo.  Galit ka?
- Pa-poging news items, e.g. reports on various events where names of TV executives are enumerated.
- Very minor stories branded as “exclusive.”

Top 5 Hiwalayan
- Sen. Chiz Escudero and wife, Christine Flores
- KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual
- Tim Cone and Alaska Milk
- Elena Bautista-Horn and logic/reason
- Jinkee Pacquiao and her original face

Top 5 TV Programs (2011)
- State of the Nation
- Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin
- News5 Debates: Hamon sa Pagbabago
- 100 Days to Heaven
- iJuander/Junior Master Chef

Top 5 Likeable (New) Personalities We See on TV
- Miss World First Princess Gwendoline Ruais (smart!)
- Tourism Secretary Ramon Jimenez
- News reporters Saleema Refran and Hadji Rieta
- YouTube discovery Maria Aragon
- Zia Quizon and her music

Top 5 Buzzwords/Catchphrases (Political)
- “All-out justice”
- Area of temporary stay
- Itlog ni Topacio
- Planking
- Occupy

Top 10 Buzzwords/Catchphrases (Non-political)
- Ikaw Na!/You Already!
- Think Before You Click
- Cyberbullying
- Havey/Waley!
- Malaswaaaa!
- Unkabogable
- Nganga!
- Agad-agad?
- “Ako, Budoy”
- Kapatid

Top 5 Photos of 2011: Click here.
——————————————————————
“Transmitted at the speed of light, all events on this planet are simultaneous. In the electric environment of information all events are simultaneous, there is no time or space separating events.”
~Marshall McLuhan

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THY WILL BE DONE

TWELVE DAYS BEFORE Christmas, the House of Representatives impeached Chief Justice Renato Corona. Congratulations President Aquino! ‘Gusto ko happy ka!’

Malacañang categorically denied that President Aquino was behind the impeachment of the Chief Justice… mainly because he was at the forefront of the initiative.

Palace spokespersons denied President Aquino had a hand in the impeachment of Corona. He had his ‘whole body’ working on it.

A total of 188 congressmen voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona. Within just minutes, allies of President Aquino have mustered more than enough votes for the ouster move. It was a walk in the pork.

The House of Representatives was able to transmit the articles of impeachment to the Senate in less than five hours. And Judge Jesus Mupas was like, “Gaya-gaya!”

House Justice Committee Chair and Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas says, “The Chief Justice used public funds for his own personal purposes.” Again, a classic case of “Hello kettle. I am pot. You’re so black.”

Meanwhile, House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said the impeachment complaint was the “mother of all blackmails.” Hey, you sponsored the same practice before. Why rant against it now?

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile says senators will vote on the impeachment case based on evidence presented. Spell cliché.

The House of Representatives voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona. From the Lower House, the complaint was transmitted to the Senate. David Stern tried to block the move but failed.

In 2012, we’ll probably witness the trials of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Chief Justice Renato Corona. What an exciting way to spend our last year on Earth.

Just Saying. If the proposed Freedom of Information Act, and the 13-year-old Reproductive Health Bill were “Renato Corona,” both would have been approved a long time ago. Kung ayaw, may dahilan. Kung may pork, maraming paraan.

Merry Christmas!

Quotes of the Day
“Malacañang is not privy to the discussions of the Liberal Party in the House.”
~Deputy Presidential Spokesperson Abigail Valte

“President Aquino gave the general direction, we followed because we believe this is the right thing.”
~ Cavite Representative Joseph Emilio A. Abaya, a Liberal Party stalwart

“This is very important, grave and historic.”
~House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte
———————————————————–
“The genius of impeachment lay in the fact that it could punish the man without punishing the office.”
~ Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

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NOTES ON A TRANSFER

Noon: Hayaan n’yo kaming lumipad.
Ngayon: Huwag n’yo kaming piliting lumipad.

“Hay salamat, wala na rin ang malaking sakit ng ulo.”
~St. Luke’s Medical Center Management

“Dear peace and quiet… goodbye!”
~Veterans Memorial Medical Center Staff

“Sa buong buhay ko, never ko pang naranasan ang ganitong atensyon mula sa mga reporters at journalists. Natatawa siguro ang misis ko sa bahay habang nakatutok sa TV!”
~Driver of decoy vehicle to VMMC

“Pati ba naman ako idadamay n’yo? Problema n’yo na ‘yan! Helller!”
~Friday’s bad weather

“Kung ayaw niya sa akin, mas ayaw ko sa kanya! Choosy pa ‘tong bulinggit na ‘to!”
~PNP Chopper

“Whaaat? Seven hours ang delay? Hmpf! Gaya-gaya!”
~Cebu Pacific

“I never thought na ang unang makakasilip sa akin ay si Arnold Clavio ng GMA. I was expecting ABS-CBN’s RG Cruz.”
~Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s neck scar

“Ano?!? Maghapon kayong nagtatalo?! Kung ako ang PNP chief, kahapon pa ‘yan nailipat! Ang babagal n’yo!”
~Pasay City RTC Judge Jesus Mupas

“’Buti na lang wala ako d’yan. Nakaka-stress ‘yong nangyari.”
~ Cong. Mikey Arroyo

“Pak na pak ang ginawa ko kay ma’am! Ganda!”
~GMA’s makeup artist and stylist

“Patay! Tiyak na papawisan ako sa VMMC. Mas mainit daw kasi do’n kesa sa St. Luke’s eh.”
~Itlog ni Topacio

A YEAR AFTER stepping down as president, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is back in government… hospital.

In an exclusive interview aired on GMA News TV, former President Arroyo revealed she’s currently writing her memoir titled “Another Stone for the Edifice.” She declined to comment on rumors that the ‘edifice’ was overpriced by 300 percent.

In her memoir, Mrs. Arroyo stated that she’s so relieved to be out of Malacañang. We all are.

According to the former president, the memoir is a follow-up to the memoir of her late father, former President Diosdado Macapagal, “A Stone for the Edifice.” To which, Ka Dadong reportedly said, “Wala akong alam d’yan.”

Mrs. Arroyo said she had completed 40 pages of the manuscript. And those were for ‘denials’ alone.

In the next few days, Mrs. Arroyo hopes to finish the manuscript’s next 40 pages. And that’s just for apologies.

The former president’s book will have hardcover and paperback versions. The hardcover version will have jackets. The paperback will have braces.

The title of former President Arroyo’s memoir is ““Another Stone for the Edifice.” That’s so much better than Elena Bautista-Horn’s suggestion, “Stone the Little Girl to Sleep.”

Unverified reports say former President Arroyo’s memoir is intended to be read by intellectuals and  the learned, definitely not by the dimwitted. To which, Mikey Arroyo said, “That’s totally unfair!”

Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is coming out with her memoir. Not to be outdone, President Aquino is reportedly coming out with his first coloring book.
—————————————————————————————
“Memoirs are a well-known form of fiction.”
~Frank Harris

Quotes of the Weak
“I have peace of mind dahil malinis ang aking konsensiya. Ang bukod-tangi kong layunin ay maglingkod. Na-pre-judge ako ng bagong administrasyon. Gumagamit pa ng demagoguery para sa gano’n ay siraan ako nang tuluyan. Siyempre kasi kung sisiraan ako, mukhang magaling siya.”
~Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

“She will have her day in court. There is no prejudgment. This government has no intention other than to find out the truth about the allegations being thrown against her.”
~Deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte

Overseas…
Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich called Palestinians an ‘invented’ people. And Manda Elizalde was like, “Utang na loob. ‘Wag n’yo ‘kong gawing punchline.”

Have a great weekend! Merry Christmas!

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PAMASKONG MENSAHE NG PANGULO

Christmas Message
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
[To be taped on December 20, 2011 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Isang masagana at maligayang Pasko po sa inyong lahat!

Kaisa n’yo ako sampu ng aking Gabinete at ng mga lingkod-bayan sa ating pamahalaan sa pagdiriwang ng Kapaskuhan.

Sa kabila ng mga pagsubok na ating pinagdadaanan, huwag nating kalimutan ang tunay na diwa ng mahalagang okasyong ito.

Ang mga kaganapan sa Herusalem mahigit dalawang libong taon na ang nakakaraan ay maihahambing natin sa mga pangyayari sa kasalukuyan.

Katulad ng Kanyang pagsilang, ang desisyon ng sambayanan na iluklok ako sa puwesto ay magbibigay ng panibagong pag-asa sa mga taong nawalan na ng tiwala sa gobyerno dahil sa bulok at makasariling pamumuno ng nakaraang administrasyon.

Sa pagdiriwang natin ng Kapaskuhan, umasa kayo sa aginaldong magmumula sa magigiting nating mga mahistrado, ang Melchor, Gaspar, at Balthazar ng Korte Suprema: sina Associate Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, Bienvenido Reyes, at Estelita Perlas-Bernabe. Magsisilbing patnubay ng tatlong ito ang karunungan nina Associate Justice Antonio Carpio at Jose Mendoza.

Subalit dapat tayong maging mapagmatyag dahil may mga haring mago na nagkukunwaring may malasakit sa publiko. Ang kapal ng mukha: hindi man lang tinanggihan ang alok na puwesto sa Korte Suprema gayong alam niyang ito ay labag sa batas.

Sanggol pa lang ang ating administrasyon ngunit gusto na agad nilang patayin sa pangambang tuluyang mawala ang kanilang impluwensya at kapangyarihan.

Binabalaan ko sila. Hindi ako titigil hangga’t hindi napaparusahan ang mga Herodes ng kasalukuyang panahon – silang patuloy na umaangal sa anila’y hindi patas na pagtrato ng pamahalaan. Sa tulong ni Jesus… ni Jesus Mupas, mabubulok sila sa kulungan!

Sa huli, nais kong ipaalam sa lahat na sensitibo ako sa inyong kalagayan. Dahil dito, aking ipinagpaliban ang pagbili ng bagong sports car. Maging ang dati’y madalas na paglabas kasama ang iba’t ibang babae ay akin munang kinalimutan upang kayo ay aking mapaglingkuran.

Alam kong marami sa inyo ang patuloy na nagtitiis sa sabsaban. Huwag kayong mainip. Aangat din ang inyong buhay. Subalit kailangan ko ng inyong tulong. Samahan ninyo ako. Gagabayan tayo ng dilaw na tala sa pagbaybay sa tuwid na daan tungo sa inaasam nating kaunlaran.

Pagbibigayan. Pagtutulungan. Pagmamahalan. Iyan ang diwa ng Kapaskuhan. Palaganapin natin at ibahagi sa mga higit na nangangailangan.

Muli, maligayang Pasko po sa inyong lahat!

P.S.Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Segunda Mano ng kapatid kong si Kris, an official entry to the 2011 Metro Manila Film Festival. Pinaghirapan po n’ya ang proyektong ‘yan.
——————————————-

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IN YOUR FACE

THREE DAYS AFTER the brawl between San Beda’s men’s basketball team and San Sebastian’s women’s volleyball team, the San Beda Red Lions and the San Sebastian Stags figured in another bench-clearing melee Monday at the Philippine Collegiate Champions League Final Four at The Arena in San Juan City. The game was the day’s second most intense fight-marred event next only to the First National Criminal Justice Summit at the Manila Hotel.

Last Monday, President Aquino took a jab at the Supreme Court in front of no less than Chief Justice Renato Corona. It was a very awkward moment. The only thing more awkward was Midas Marquez’ microphone incident.

With Chief Justice Renato Corona seated just a few feet away, President Aquino cited a litany of alleged questionable decisions made by the Supreme Court – the same ‘transgressions’ he enumerated when he spoke last week before the members of the Makati Business Club. He’s like the Mo Twister of Philippine politics right now. He can’t move on.

Senator Lacson has suggested that President Aquino and Chief Justice Corona meet in private. If the talk’s going to be secret, I know of a perfect venue then. Tokyo!

Chief Justice Renato Corona opted to ignore President Aquino’s tirade saying, “Hayaan n’yo na. Magpapasko naman.” When he got home though, he unfollowed him on Twitter.

Constitutionalist Joaquin Bernas likened President Aquino to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Sorry, I can’t see any similarities except for the cigar.

Ratings
According to the November survey of Pulse Asia, President Aquino still enjoys a high trust and appreciation rating. His ratings are so high, he’s now above the law.

Pulse Asia says 7 of 10 Filipinos appreciate the President. I don’t know who those seven are but I can identify the other three: Lizzy, Shalani, and Iza C.

Lovelife
Asked about his love life, President Aquino said, “Unlike poverty, it’s not being addressed.” No wonder, we haven’t really heard much about his monthly dates otherwise known as Conditional Crush Transfer.

Transfer
Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be transferred from the St. Luke’s Medical Center to the Veterans Memorial Medical Center (VMMC) on Friday. Media organizations are expected to cover the event live. A concerned Willie Revillame has reportedly asked TV5 not to insert any footage of the transfer during his show.

Reports say Judge Jesus Mupas will decide within 15 days whether or not former President Arroyo will be allowed to use a cell phone or laptop. Mupas will also decide within 10 days whether or not he’ll approve Mikey Arroyo’s friend request on Facebook.

According to Elena Bautista-Horn, former President Arroyo may want to write a book using her laptop while confined at the VMMC. In fact, this morning, an anxious Mrs. Arroyo asked Mrs. Horn, “Will my book be read by one million?”

Security
Do you remember last week’s global survey saying Vienna was the nicest place to live in the world? Well, another survey identified the most secure places in the world today. On top of the list is the VMMC.

Promoted
The Armed Forces of the Philippines promoted boxing icon Manny Pacquiao to the rank of lieutenant colonel in the Army reserves. Lt. Col. Pacquiao is the highest-ranking official in the Pacquiao household next only to Jinkee, the Commander-in-Chief.

New Planet?
NASA has discovered a new Earth-like planet. Finally, a more exciting & competitive Miss Universe pageant.

The discovery of the first planet outside our solar system which could become home to humans has been confirmed. ‘Buti pa ‘yon confirmed na, si Piolo hindi pa.
————————————————————————————–
“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.”
~Josh Billings

Quotes of the Day
“My psychologist friend said matigas ang stand ni PNoy, trying to compensate for something.”
~ Atty. Ferdie Topacio on President Aquino’s tirade against the Supreme Court

“I admire Corona. He does not go down to the level of the president’s ranting.”
~Constitutionalist Fr. Joaquin Bernas

Personal
Congratulations to the winners of “The Chico and Delamar’s The Morning Rush Top 10” book. They are:
1: Lawrence C. Caranto (Baguio City)
2: Janice Erni-Manongdo (Parañaque City)
3: Haide P. Acuña (Cebu City)
4: Shyrell Vey Tana (Makati City)
5: Victor Rafael Dugay (Taguig City)
6: Emmanuel Ramos Ortile (Nueva Ecija)
7: Christine Purugganan (Dubai, United Arab Emirates)
8: Manicar Vallejos Manguera (Tarlac City)
9: Zara Kirsten C. Palma (Davao City)
10: John Ahmer Toledo (Pasig City)

Your book will be delivered within 24 hours. Merry Christmas!
Note: Ignore the P.S. in the Foreword. That wasn’t supposed to be there. Enjoy reading!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

“AWAAARD!”

I WAS SUPPOSED to skip Saturday night’s Philippine Blog Awards 2011. Earlier that day, I had a stiff neck and my stomach was acting up. I suspected colitis but my doctor said it was just dyspepsia.

A couple of hours before the ceremonies, a confidante claimed he just uncovered a ‘credible threat’ against me. Refusing to elaborate, he mentioned an alleged plot called “Operation Put the Little Boy to Sleep.” (Disclosure: I am vertically challenged!). I knew it was a sick joke so I confronted him, “Unggoy ka, saan mo nakuha ‘yang tsismis na ‘yan?!” When he heard the word ‘unggoy,’ my friend went ballistic. Feeling slighted, he made ‘sumbong’ to his San Beda Red Lion friends. Minutes later, Coach Frankie Lim and his team were outside our house shouting invectives, threatening to maul the hell out me. Good thing, the police arrived on time, and a melee was averted.

To cut the long story short, I ignored the alleged threat and proceeded to the Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium at the RCBC Plaza in Makati City. On my way to the venue, I received a text message from an unknown number, “Don’t go. You’ll lose. Abort! Abort!” I replied, “Wrong send ka. I’m the Professional Heckler, not Rhian Ramos.”

It was over when I arrived! The ‘Professional Heckler’ had been announced as Best Humor Blog for 2011 when I got there. Wohoo! I won! Take that Philippine Azkals! To a Facebook friend who vowed to have his balls cut off if I lost, you can now heave a sigh of relief.

I may have been tirelessly cheering for the mediocre UP Fighting Maroons men’s basketball team for the past few seasons… but last night, I felt like an Atenean. Four-peat it is!

Wait lang, may nag-text!
“Congrats! Painom ka naman ! – John Lloyd Cruz, Baron Geisler and Exec. Sec. Jojo Ochoa”

Thank You!
… to the Philippine Blog Awards! This is my fourth straight win and my fifth trophy from the PBA.
… to my FAMILY.
… to my friends and co-workers.
… to my chief sources of information: the Filipino journalists.
… to my Twitter pals and followers, supporters, and critics.
… to my team, the Los Angeles Lakers.
… to KC and Piolo, sa mga pulitiko, abogado, at taong-gobyerno – mula sa Pangulo pababa sa itlog ni Topacio.

And most of all, to you – my THINKING READERS sa walang sawang pagbisita sa blog na ito. Maraming salamat!

Oh, remember the friend who told me about “Operation Put the Little Boy to Sleep?” He heeded my advice. He’s now seeking psychiatric help.

With Honors
From Asian Correspondent.Com’s Tonyo Cruz here’s the list of Philippine Blog Awards 2011 Winners

The above photo was taken from PinoySocialMedia.Com whose owner also covered this year’s event.

Pasasalamat
I am giving away 10 copies of the recently released book “The Best of Chico and Delamar’s The Morning Rush Top 10” – the Foreword of which was written by, ehem, me. So if you want to have a copy, email me your full name and address, and Twitter account (professionalheckler@yahoo.com). I will randomly select 10 names from the entries. Good luck! Winners will be announced Tuesday night, 9:30PM live on Twitter!

Btw, the P.S. part in the book’s foreword wasn’t supposed to be there. It’s not part of the final draft. Na-print lang. Waaaaah!

Merry Christmas!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

A MESSAGE FROM GMA

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Matagal na panahon na rin mula nang ako ay humarap sa inyo. Ilang buwan rin akong nanahimik sa pag-aakalang kusang hihinto ang mga atake laban sa akin. Ngunit ako ay nagkamali.

Walang tigil ang kritisismo, panlilibak, at kadalasan ay personal na mga banat sa akin. Sobra na ang pang-aapi ng administrasyong ito at ako ay labis na nababahala.

Marapat lamang na aking ihayag ang tunay kong damdamin. Tapos na ang pagiging Carmina Villaroel ko. Oras na para ilabas ang aking inner KC Concepcion.

Unang-una, gusto kong kundenahin ang pangungutya ng palasyo sa aking mga abogado. Pati ang walang malay na maselang bahagi ng katawan ni Atty. Ferdinand Topacio ay kanilang pinagdiskitahan sa pagtatangkang ipahiya ako sa publiko. Bago n’yo pag-initan ang itlog ni Topacio, bakit hindi n’yo muna tanungin ang inyong amo: may silbi pa ba ang itlog mo?

Wala rin silang karapatang kwestyunin ang kakayahan ng aking tagapagsalita. Si Elena Bautista-Horn ay hindi lamang tapat, masipag, at dedicated na spokesperson. Siya rin ang tumatayong head ng ISAFP o Intelligence Service of the Arroyo Family in the Philippines. Sa katunayan, siya ang nakatuklas sa “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – ang balak na paglikida sa akin.

Ako ay naniniwalang ang maitim na hangarin ng administrasyong ito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit pilit nila akong pinapalipat sa Veterans Memorial Medical Center. Ano ako? Action star? Plunderer? Alam ng aking mga kritiko na hindi ako sanay sa mumurahing pagamutan. Sa paglalagay sa akin sa ospital na pinapatakbo ng gobyerno, unti-unti na rin nila akong pinapatay. “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – tama si Elena Horn.

Gusto ko ring manawagan sa mga taong patuloy na nagdududa sa integridad ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman. Walang basehan ang paratang na CoronArroyo. Tapos na ang eleksyon. Kumita na ang Villaroyo. Huwag n’yong pulitikahin ang Korte Suprema. Kapag hindi kayo tumigil sa inyong paninira, baka ibunyag ko ang sabwatang SereNoynoy. Binabalaan ko kayo.

Humihingi ako ng dispensa sa aking mga doctor lalo na kay Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes. Maging kayo ay binabatikos dahil sa akin gayong ginagawa n’yo lang naman ang inyong trabaho. Ayaw kong magkahiwa-hiwalay tayo kaya please lang, maliban sa colitis, humanap pa kayo ng mali sa aking katawan. Wala akong pakialam kung dermatitis, conjunctivitis, otitis o kahit, buntis pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga ay tumagal pa ang ating pagsasama dito sa St. Luke’s.

Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay humihingi ng tulong sa aking mga kababayang patuloy ang pagtitiwala sa akin. Sa darating na lingo ay magpapasya ang ubod ng bilis na si Judge Jesus Mupas kung ano ang nararapat sa akin. Napag-alaman kong may text component pala ang kanyang gagawing pagpapasya. Ang tanong:
Ano ang gusto n’yo para kay dating Pangulong Arroyo:
A: House arrest
B: Hospital arrest
C: Detention Cell
D: Wala akong pakialam. Mas interesado ako sa scripted interview kay Piolo Pascual sa ‘The Buzz’ sa darating na Linggo

Just key in ARROYO (space) A: House arrest and send to 2462 (CGMA) for all networks. Ayon sa NTC, 80 centavos na lang per text ngayon kaya kung maaari ay itodo n’yo na ang pagboto. Lahat ng taong magti-text ng “A: House arrest” ay awtomatikong kasali sa isang pre-Christmas raffle kung saan mamimigay ng MP3 at 2GB Flash Drives sina Dato, Luli, at Mikey. Si Attorney Mike naman ay naghanda rin ng loot bags mula sa kanyang na-loot noong nasa puwesto pa ako bilang pangulo. Kaya ano pang hinihintay n’yo? Text na!

Sa huli, gusto kong magparating ng maigsi at simpleng mensahe sa nakaupong pangulo at sa mapaghiganteng administrasyong ito:
Walang corrupt?!
Walang mahirap?!
O walang accomplishments?

Manyampukaki ing lugod mi kekayu!

Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat at nawa’y lagi n’yong tatandaan ang pangaral ng aking ama, si Ka Dadong:
“Just do what ish right, do what ish best, and your battery of lawyersh will take care of the rest.”

Naglilingkod,

———————————————————————————-

“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”
~World Health Organization, 1948

Have a great weekend! Merry Christmas!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.