UNDAS 2011

IT’S THAT ANNUAL tradition again. We remember the dead by visiting them in memorial parks. They actually have an option to visit the living but few people are happy with the idea.

Unfortunately, the Arroyos cannot just leave their homes and go to the cemetery. I heard Justice Secretary Leila De Lima wanted them to seek permission first.

Every Filipino Catholic family is expected to visit their dearly departed in the cemetery. Take that Marcos family!

Trick or treating is a Halloween tradition observed around the world. Yesterday, children in costumes visited the Times Street residence of President Aquino. The President gave candies and toys to every kid except for one who’s infamously known in neighborhood for being rebellious. So instead of candies and toys, the President gave him P5M.

This coming week, President Aquino will go to Manila Memorial Park to visit his parents. Susan Roces will be at the Manila North Cemetery to visit FPJ. Migs Zubiri will also go the cemetery to visit his political career.

Reports say the cost of flowers have gone up yet again. Militants are upset. Saying the price increase was unjust and anti-poor, they denounced the Big 3: Chrysanthemum, Orchids, and Roses.

Every Undas season, people love talking about scary places in the Philippines. There’s Quezon City’s Balete Drive; Baguio City’s Laperal White House, and the latest but scariest place of them all, the MILF’s “area of temporary stay.”

Also during Undas, people love sharing really scary stories. Here’s mine: Jacinto and Erlinda Ligot who have been ordered arrested for tax evasion are now missing! Awooooo!

IN THE NEWS…
The Department of Justice has indicted director and almost National Arist Carlo J. Caparas for tax evasion. I wonder when will he be indicted for making those awful movies.

Claudine/Raymart
Celebrity couple Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago have released a joint statement denying rumors they have separated. Claudine and Raymart insist they are committed to their marriage, to their children, and  to their product endorsements.

Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago have released a joint statement. A few weeks from now, Raymart is expected to “withdraw” the statement.
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“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

iGuess No. 1:
An incumbent member of the House of Representatives is showcasing strangeness on Twitter. It’s as if a person of multiple personalities has been posting those tweets. Weird. Is this congressperson on drugs?

iGuess No. 2:
A recent confrontation between a famous couple turned nasty. Wifey tried to attack hubby with a bladed weapon. Hubby tried to defend self. The fight was witnessed by one of wifey’s siblings who happened to be visiting the couple. Sibling tried to pacify incensed sister and was hurt instead. Hubby rushed sibling-in-law to the hospital. Clues: Wifey is related to a politician. Hubby is ‘from” South America.

Personal
October 29, 2011: Happy birthday to Mr. Eugenio Abunda Jr. You’re the best Kuya Boy! Maraming salamat!

Have fun! Enjoy your long weekend! Take care!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

5M

IT’S ALMOST NOVEMBER! It’s the season of bonuses! Have you received yours? The MILF just got theirs!

In case you missed my tweet this morning: The mystery behind Claudine Barretto’s missing bank deposit (P5M) has been solved. It was allegedly withdrawn by government peace panel chair Marvic Leonen and donated to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front!

Malacañang said the P5M given to the MILF was intended for the Bangsamoro Leadership and Management Institute (BLMI). The BLMI is where the MILF will train future Moro leaders who will fight the future government for a future substate.

Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says the government will ask the MILF to account for the amount it gave the rebel group last August. I’m sure it will be easy for the MILF to liquidate 5 milion pesos. It only took them minutes to liquidate 19 soldiers.

MILF vice chair for political affairs Ghadzali Jaafar insists the 5 million pesos “donated” by the government to the MILF is still intact. ‘k.

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi and President Aquino now have something in common. They donated funds to the MILF rebels.

Gaddafi
Less than a week after his body was stored in a freezer, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was buried. Take that Ferdinand Marcos!

Colonel Moammar Gadhafi has been buried. But die-hard supporters couldn’t find his grave. Filipinos have a term for that: “Undas.”

Watch List
The Department of Justice has issued another watchlist order against former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and former First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo. The couple will not be allowed to leave the country sans the approval of the DOJ. Sources say the Arroyos are getting frustrated. They want some respect, consideration, and tolerance from the government. Hence, their plan to join the MILF.

State Visit
Vietnamese President Truong Tan Sang had a bilateral meeting with President Aquino in Malacañang Wednesday afternoon. Tan Sang is in the country for a three-day state visit. Now that explains why palace-based presidential speechwriter Mai Mislang is on a three-day leave of absence.

The President of Vietnam is in the country. Last night, he tweeted that the wine served by President Aquino didn’t suck and that “marami palang pogi dito.”

Clinton in Manila
US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham-Clinton will meet with President Aquino in Manila on November 15. This early, the President is being warned. Hillary hates cigars.

Pop Talk
The Philippines is the 12th most populous country in the world. Therefore, we are the 12th horniest people on earth. Congratulations!

According to the UN Population Fund, China has the biggest population at 1.3 billion, followed by India at 1.24 billion. In third place is Ramon Revilla Sr’s household.

Alcohol Poisoning
A British coroner ruled that Amy Winehouse drank herself to death. And Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa was like, “Don’t worry. I know my limits.”

Anti- ‘Anti-Smoking Ban”
A Mandaluyong RTC judge has issued an injunction against the MMDA’s anti-smoking campaign. Critics say it was a victory for tobacco companies. Or as the judge would call it, “bonus!”

Sentenced
For illegally disbursing 21 million pesos in government funds, former ARMM Governor Zacaria Candao has been sentenced to 153 years in prison. If it’s any consolation, Candao will be locked up in a prison cell with a convict identified as Michael Scofield.

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“A good leader is a person who takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit.”
~John C. Maxwell

Quotes of the Week
“I think ‘all-out justice’ are just words. The President is trying not the use ‘all-out war’ because it will definitely cause some furor among different sectors. But what does all-out justice really mean?”
~Sen. Francis Joseph Escudero

“The watchlist order which has the effect of a hold departure order is illegal. To me, the watchlist order that encroaches on the right of a person to travel is contrary to the Constitution.”
~Sen. Franklin Drilon on the watchlist order issued by the DOJ vs. CGMA et al.

Elsewhere
GMA News: MMDA sets up smoking areas on EDSA, Commonwealth

How big was the world when you were born? Find out here. This is fun and informative.

Phil. Daily Inquirer: Fast Facts: The World Population

You Have Spoken
The President has spoken. Ikaw, anong stand mo sa problema natin sa MILF?
-All-out war! All out justice! 64.47%
-Peace talks! All-out justice! 25%
-Thinking… 10.53%

Happy Holidays! Stay safe. Spread the love.

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ALL OUT

TODAY’s BLOG POST is made possible by Dedo 19+ See the difference!

KRISSY: Hi Bimb!
BIMBY: Mama news time!
KRISSY: Did you see the report on the massacre of 19+ soldiers in Basilan Bimb?
BIMBY: What’s massacre mama?
KRISSY: Massacre. It’s when you attack the other side despite the ongoing peace talks and existing ceasefire. Kaya demoralized ang mga soldiers.
BIMBY: What’s demoralized mama?
KRISSY: Demoralized. It’s when the Commander in Chief prematurely berates the soldiers instead of condemning the atrocity committed by the rebels. Buti na lang kumambyo.
BIMBY: What’s kumambyo mama?
KRISSY: It’s when the Commander in Chief realizes his folly and softens on his ‘no all-out war’ stance.
BIMBY: What’s ‘all out war’ mama?
KRISSY: All out war. It’s when they step up their attack against the Arroyos but not against the MILF to achieve all out justice.
BIMBY: What’s MILF mama?

KRISSY: MILF? Depends on the context. Aha-ha-ha! Let’s not even go there Bimb. Drink your milk na.
BIMBY: I want to play first mama.
KRISSY: Gosh! Is that a toy gun Bimby? Get rid of that! Give that to me!
BIMBY: No mama. This is my ‘area of temporary stay.’ I can do whatever I want here mama.
KRISSY: Nakakaloka! May choice ba ako? Sige na nga, drink this milk na lang para you’ll grow up siksik.
BIMBY: What’s siksik mama?
KRISSY: Siksik… like your Tita Shawie.
BIMBY: You don’t really like her mama.
KRISSY: Whaaat??? That’s not true!
BIMBY: It’s true mama.
KRISSY: What are you talking about? Love, love, love ko si Sharon.
BIMBY: You’re so showbiz mama.
KRISSY: Stop it Bimb! Ipinapahamak mo ‘ko! Dedo 19+ See the difference!

PRESIDENT AQUINO wants intensified operations against Abu Sayyaf bandits – Mindanao’s “lawless elements.” By the way, the MILF has assumed responsibility for the ambush in Al-Barka, Basilan that killed 19 soldiers. So ano ‘yon, lawful?

According to the president, the government will not declare an all-out war against the Moro Islamic Liberation Front but “will pursue all-out justice” instead. You’ve been warned Abu Sayyaf!

The President has ordered the military to intensify its efforts to hunt down 10 Abu Sayyaf terrorists. The military is seeking the cooperation of Zamboanga Sibugay residents saying it’s really easy to spot these lawless elements. They’re armed, they’re dangerous, and they look like MILF rebels.

In a press briefing Monday night, AFP Chief of Staff Gen. Eduardo Oban Jr. said the military’s operation in Basilan (where 19 soldieres were killed) was targeting “lawless elements” – otherwise known as “i-so-wanted-to-identify-them-as-MILF-rebels-but-i-do-not-want-to-incur-the-ire-of-the-President-and-get-fired-too.”

Did you hear about the MILF’s ‘areas of temporary stay’ or ATS down South? Government soldiers cannot just make arrests inside the ATS. It’s like the MILF’s embassy in Mindanao.

President Aquino disclosed that the MILF is actually helping the military capture the Abu Sayyaf bandits. In totally unrelated news, the Bagong Alyansang Makabayan is helping the government capture NPA guerrillas.

No to all-out war. Yes to all-out justice. This, by far, is the Presidents’ second best all-out slogan.
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“The trouble with the laws these days is that criminals know their rights better than their wrongs.”
~Author Unknown

Photo of the Weak
Si Fergie lang ang may kaya!
(Photo tweeted to me by @VGFau)

Quotes of the Week
“We will not pursue all-out war; we will instead pursue all-out justice. All-out war is indiscriminate and borne out of danger. All-out justice is sober and fair; it is based on the rule of law, and leads to lasting peace.”
~President Noynoy Aquino

“Let’s not view this in the context of the peace negotiations. The massacre was a violation of the ceasefire.”
~Sen. Gringo Honasan

Elsewhere
Move.Ph: Fiasco in Basilan by Maria Ressa

In Entertainment
Young actors John Lloyd Cruz and Shaina Magdayao have reportedly called it quits. In other words, walang katotohanan ang tsismis na hindi sila “mapaghiwalay.”

Ruffa Gutierrez is being blamed for the breakup of Shaina and John Lloyd. In fact, Shaina has reportedly launched an all-out war against the actress.

Spread the love.
Peace everyone!

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HERE LIES

IN OBSERVANCE of All Saints Day and All Souls Day 2011, here’s the updated version of my original post titled “Predicted Epitaphs of Political and Entertainment Figures in the Philippines.”

President Aquino: “Ibalato n’yo na lang sa akin ang katiting na privacy kong ito!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Nasa tahimik na lugar. Sana ganito rin sa inyo.”

DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko kayo!”

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “Kagagawan ito ng administrasyong Aquino.”

Atty. Mike Arroyo: “Watch list? What watch list? Goodbye!”

Joseph Estrada: “That’s all Polk!”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: “He had gone to the world and multiplied. Mission accomplished. You know.”

Jinkee Pacquiao: “Ako, Legal Wife.”

Batangas Gov. Vilma Santos: “MALIGAYANG PAGDATING SA AKING PUNTOD: VILMAWOOD!”

Chief Justice Renato Corona: “Petition to extend life has been denied with finality. So ordered.”

Kris Aquino: “And then there was silence.”

Sen. Tito Sotto: “Give me liberty or give me death… certificate.”

Manny V. Pangilinan: “He just lost… one big fight.”

Boy Abunda: “And this is the bottomline!”

Sharon Cuneta: “Looking forward to losing weight.”

Charo Santos: “Maalaala Mo Sana”

Shalani Soledad: “No comment po.”

German Moreno: “Sa wakas, nakatulog rin.”

Cong. Winnie Castelo: “RIP: Winnie Castelo Proponent of the Anti-Death Bill in Congress”

Christopher Lao: “Here lies Chris Lao. For your information.”

Political Adviser Ronald Llamas: “Gun too soon.”
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“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
~George Carlin

Donaire Wins
Congratulations to Nonito Donaire! He outclassed Argentine pug Omar Narvaez in a 12-round bout. I mean, sparring session. Boo!

Fans and boxing analysts described the Donaire-Narvaez fight as boring. It would have been a lot more exciting if Donaire fought against Annabelle Rama.

Quote of the Week
“Suwerte ko I’m the original, not the other woman. I love my husband very much. I trust him, because he promised he will not get involved with anyone anymore, after Krista. I will deal with him after the fight.”
~Jinkee Pacquiao (as quoted by Philboxing.com) reacting to rumors that Cong. Manny Pacquiao fathered a child with a culinary student

Have a great week ahead!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

GADDAFI, 69

AFTER FORTY-TWO years in power and 112 ways to spell his name, Moammar Gaddafi is dead!

Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi is dead. His son Bongbong Gaddafi wants a state funeral for his father.

Libyan tyrant Moammar Gadhafi is dead. Just to be sure, Tito Sotto wants to see the death certificate.

The death of Colonel Gaddafi is the day’s biggest news. Some of today’s headlines: “Gaddafi killed” “Qadaffy quilled” “Gadhafi keeled” “Mission aqqomplished”

Moammar Gaddafi has been killed. Libyans are celebrating. Finally, they can freely add another color to their flag.

Gaddafi has been confirmed dead. Some Libyans are not celebrating though. They know that Gadhafi, Qaddafy, Khaddafy, Gaddaffy, Quaddaffi, and Gaddaffi are still out there.

Reports say Gaddafi was killed by NATO-led rebels while attempting to escape. He was said to have been found in a hole in the ground. Also found were Gaddafi’s 3,000 pairs of sunglasses.

The Libyan dictator is dead. Goodbye Moammar Gaddafi! Goodbye fabulous outfits!

Early Thursday evening (Manila time), news organizations had conflicting reports about Gaddafi’s capture and death… which was not surprising since they could not even agree on how to spell his name.

Reports say when Moammar Gaddafi was cornered by rebel forces, he tried to run. However, the dictator tripped on his long gown.

There were also conflicting reports on how Gaddafi died. Some say he was shot. Others believe his thick robe suffocated him.

Gaddafi loyalists have issued a statement saying the Libyan dictator is still alive. They claim that he’s being treated right now at St. Luke’s Medical Center.

This just in: One of Gaddafi’s son, Saif is offering an Hermes bag to anyone who could prove that his father is dead.

Relatives of slain Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi are in a quandary. They couldn’t decide what version of Gaddafi’s name should they use on his tombstone.

Gaddafi’s death was confirmed just hours after his convoy was attacked. If Gaddafi were a member of the CPP-NPA, his death would be confirmed in February 2012.

In the Philippines…
Batangas Governor Vilma Santos confirms there is a proposal to construct a huge sign on Taal volcano island similar to the “Hollywood” sign in Los Angeles. The actress-turned politician says “Our main goal is to reclaim Taal Lake and Volcano as part of Batangas.” Why? Who took it away?

Defending the proposed project on the volcano island, Batangas Governor Vilma said they just wanted to “reclaim” Taal Lake and Taal Volcano. And Wilfredo Torres was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Governor Vilma Santos told the Philippine Daily Inquirer that the sign for the proposed structure would not spell out “BATANGAS” but “ALA EH.” Sing-stupid pero ‘di sing-mahal.

NASA Satellite
Less than a month after humanity survived a crashing bus-sized satellite, a 2.6-ton, defunct German telescope called the Roentgen Satellite will crash back to Earth Saturday or Sunday (Oct. 22 or 23). Experts couldn’t say where it would land but i’m really hoping it hits the rebels who killed 19 soldiers in Basilan last Tuesday.

Illegitimate
According to the National Statistics Office, 4 of 10 babies born in the country are illegitimate. To which Manny Pacquiao said, “Eh bakit ang sama ng tingin n’yo sa akin?”

Briefly Noted
Congressman Manny Pacquiao’s two youngest kids are named Princess and Queen Elizabeth. Guess what. His rumored love child, who was baptized last September 17 is named King Arthur. As Gus Abelgas would say, “Hindi nagsisinungaling ang ebidensya.” (The baby’s mom, Kat Ordoñez has denied that Pacman was the father.)
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“No dictator, no invader, can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand.”
-J. Michael Straczynski

Crazy Quotes
On defending his belief that women belong in the home:
“All right, then nobody can complain if we ask pregnant women to make parachute jumps.”
~Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi

See also: Photos of Hollywood Philippines on Facebook

Have a great weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

KRISSY & OTHER STORIES

HERE’S ANOTHER batch of letters/inquiries from famous and not so famous people. Before I answer them though, let’s talk first to a very special guest who dropped by to say hi. Ladies and gentlemen, the most popular presidential sister in the world, Ms Kris Aquino…

Kris: Hi Bimb!
Heckler: Bimb? What’s Bimb mama?
Kris: Aha-ha-ha. Aminin mo Heckler, may recall ang TVC namin ni Bimby.
Heckler: What’s recall mama?
Kris: Stop it! Gosh! Hindi bagay sa ‘yo promise!
Heckler: Sige na nga! What brings you here?
Kris: Wala lang. Just wanted to say hello to your readers! Alam ko namang kapag ako ang topic mo, dumodoble sa unique hits ang blog mo. O, don’t deny! Aha-ha-ha! Pero ‘di naman ako magtatagal. I have to tape pa for KrisTV and then a meeting with UN people.
Heckler: Uy! Congratulations nga pala for being the newest United Nations High Commission on Refugees Goodwill Ambassador. Ikaw na talaga!
Kris: Thanks but let me clarify something! Angelina Jolie is the UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador. I am one of four honorary patrons. You talaga Heckler! Palpak ang research mo. Para kang si Jojo Robles ng Manila Standard Today! Hay naku! Think before you write!
Heckler: What’s the exact title again? Honorary matron?
Kris: Patron!!! Helloooooo! Mukha ba ‘kong matrona! I’m only 40 ‘noh! Kainis ka!
Heckler: Sorry po! I have a question nga pala Kris. You were quoted to have said na ayaw mo na sa guwapo, right?
Kris: Uh-huh.
Heckler: Tanong: May pag-asa na ba sa ‘yo si Mayor Junjun Binay?
Kris: You are so mean! Grabe ka! I swear! Wala akong sinabing pangit si Junjun huh!
Heckler: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong pangit siya?
Kris: Hellllow! Implied!
Heckler: Helllllow! Defensive!
Kris: Hay naku, late na ako sa taping! Ciao!
Heckler: What’s ciao mama? Hahaha
Kris: Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Bye!

And now, the letters…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Biktima na naman ako ng mga tsismosa. Ikinakalat nilang may naanakan akong estudyante. Bakit ba ginaganito nila ako? Ano bang mali ang nagawa ko?
Tuliro,
Pacman

Dear Pacman,
Nang sabihin mo last May na “Go to the world and multiply,” maraming nag-akalang si Jinkee ang ka-multiply mo! Hindi pala! ‘Yan ang napapala ng mga taong ayaw gumamit ng condom! ‘Buti nga sa ‘yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dalawampu’t dalawang taon na akong nag-u-Undas sa lupa. Kailan ako matatahimik? Hanggang kailan ako magtitiis?
Brrrrrrr,
Ferdinand

Dear Ferdinand,
If it’s any consolation, malamig ang kinaroroonan mo ngayon. Sakaling mailibing ka, napakainit ng iyong destinasyon. So, ano talaga ang mas gusto mo: nag-aapoy o nagyeyelo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My wife and I have been praying hard to have a baby pero wala pa ring success. Any tip?
Nag-aalala,
Mar

Dear Mar,
Aside from praying, what else is hard in you? Kung wala na, good luck na lang kay Korina.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na ipinagtanggol ng Department of Energy ang mga kompanya ng langis matapos na naman silang magtaas ng presyo ng mga produktong petrolyo. Anong klaseng tao ba ang mga ‘yan!?
Nagdududa,
Mamang Driver

Dear Mamang Driver,
Sila ang tinatawag na ‘lawyer’ at ang ginagawa nila ay ‘lawyering.’ Klaro?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pansin ko lang, marami nang siyudad sa mundo ang nakikiisa sa Occupy Wall Street movement. Bakit parang sa Pilipinas po tahimik?
Nagtataka,
Mr. Bonleon

Dear Mr. Bonleon,
Bago pa man nauso ang Occupy Wall Street, matagal nang ginagawa ng mga hinayupak na buses ang Occupy Edsa. Tayo talaga ang nauna. Itanong mo pa kay Claire De La Fuente.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Never before has the entire judiciary, even in the days of martial law, been subjected to so much disrespect and lack of civility from sectors we sincerely consider to be our partners in nation-building. I say to them here and now: enough is enough!
Galit na,
Chief Justice

Dear Chief Justice,
Hindi muna ako magbibigay ng kumento. Baka kasi after 13 years, bawiin mo ang iyong mga sinabi. Inform me na lang kung final na ang statement mo. Thanks.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Si Christopher Lao, nagkaroon ng commercial after niyang mabiktima ng cyberbullying. Ako rin naman ‘di ba? Na-cyberbully din ako. Sa iyong palagay, magkaroon din kaya ako ng endorsement?
Plank!
Rep. Winnie Castelo
Quezon City

Dear Congressman Castelo,
The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later. The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
May alam ako sa nangyaring dayaan noong 2004 elections. In fact, binayaran ako ng malaking halaga para mandaya sa Mindanao. Puwede rin ba akong tumestigo? Immunity muna.
Game na,
Taufik Adianto

Dear Taufik,
Ulol. Ano ‘to, trend? Nagsusulputan kayo ah! Ibalik mo muna ang suhol sa ‘yo saka ka humingi ng immunity! Kapal mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nag-shopping ako noong weekend. Sale kasi. Grabe naman ang higpit ng mga guwardiya! Kung makahalukay sila ng bag, akala mo, may tinatago akong bomba. Tinarayan ko nga! Saksakan pa naman nang haba ang pila. Inabot kami ng siyam-siyam.
Imbyerna,
Timotea

Dear Timotea,
Siguro pangit ka! Ang arte mo eh! Para kanino ba ang mahigpit na seguridad sa malls ngayon? ‘Di ba para rin sa safety ng mga katulad mong shoppers? Pasalamat ka at hindi ako ‘yong guwardiya. Kung nagkataon, baka hindi lang bag mo ang hinalukay ko kundi pati ‘yang pagmumukha mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Ano ba ang tamang pronunciation: ‘Tee-veyyyy’ Patrol o simply, TV Patrol?
Curious lang,
Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Curious ka pa rin ba until now? Ang tagal na ah! To answer your question… ‘TV Patrol’ ang correct na basa do’n. Pero sabi nga, there is exception to every rule. Puwede mo lang gamitin ang ‘Teeee-vey’ o ‘T-Veeeey’ o ‘Teeee-veeeey’ Patrol kung ikaw ay dating bise presidente. Minsan kasi ang pagiging engot comes naturally. Nagkataong bagay sa kanya so hayaan na natin.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gano’n ba talaga ako kasama sa paningin ng publiko? Na parang wala na akong ginawang tama ni minsan? Na parang ako na ang pinaka-abusadong congressman? Na tila ako na ang pinaka-corrupt na ex-presidential son?
Pakisagot,
Mikey

Dear Mikey,
Oo.
Heckler
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“Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.”
~Shana Alexander

Sex and Pacman
Manny Pacquiao tells Playboy magazine, he abstains from sex three weeks before a fight. Or even longer than that after a fight… with Jinkee.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: NAIA is world’s worst airport – poll

GMA News: Philippines is third most disastrous nation

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay healthy and happy!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

SEVEN BILLION

ACCORDING TO THE UN Population Fund, the number of people living on the planet is set to reach seven billion on Oct. 31. Hence, the need to fund family planning and reproductive health. Skeptical of the data, Sen. Tito Sotto wants to see birth certificates first.

World population is growing at a rapid rate. The planet’s 7 billionth inhabitant – yes, 7 billionth – will be born on Halloween. Scary.

World population is hitting 7 billion this month. From a sustainability perspective, that’s disturbing. So I’m sending a letter to Sen. Bong Revilla and Cong. Manny Pacquiao. Sirs, enough!

As world population reaches 7 billion, experts say the challenge is how to encourage smaller families especially in poorer countries. Or as the Catholic Church would say, “No way!”

Planet Earth’s seven billionth inhabitant will be born on Oct. 31 somewhere in the Asia-Pacific. In three years time, he or she would  be working in a Nike factory in Bejing.

The UN Population Fund says it is most likely that Baby No. 7 billion will be born in the Asia-Pacific Region. I’m really excited for Fabella Hospital!

The world’s population is set to hit seven billion on Oct. 31. Seven billion people and yet…
… you chose to send THAT representative to the Lower House;
… you voted for THAT incompetent senator, and
… you have flip-flopping justices in the Supreme Court?

Seven billion people and yet…
… you are still single?
What happened?

IN OTHER NEWS…

Thousands of Americans have joined massive protest actions known as “Occupy Wall Street.” It’s a rally against inequality and corporate greed . Inequality and greed?!? By all means, let’s Occupy Congress!

“Occupy Wall Street” is a protest against the widening gap between poor and wealthy people. Reports say the movement has become global. This morning, maids, cooks, and drivers of Manny V. Pangilinan gathered outside his residence.

Even before Americans and their counterparts in London, Australia, Germany, Italy, Canada, and Japan “occupied Wall Street,” alleged landgrabber Wilfredo Torres of the Philippines had already occupied Quezon City!

Not Pregnant
Broadcaster Korina Sanchez has categorically dismissed rumors that she is pregnant. Hoping to have a baby soon, Sen. Mar Roxas is reportedly planning to “Occupy Korina.”

The Big Ben
Reports say the famous Big Ben of London is gently leaning to one side. Something similar is happening right here in the Philippines. It’s called the Supreme Court.

Sylar Comes ‘Out’
Zachary Quinto who played  ‘Spock’ on ‘Star Trek’ and the villain ‘Sylar’ in the hit TV series “Heroes” has admitted that he’s gay. That explains why he wanted Peter Petrelli so much.
——————————————————————————————————-
“Either a species learns to control its own population, or something like disease, famine, war, will take care of the issue.”
~Chuck Palahniuk

Personal
Thank you to everyone who joined #QUIZtion – the weekend general knowledge quiz on Twitter last Saturday. Here are some of your comments that night.

Have great week everyone!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

FROM THE TABLOIDS II

Here are some of the week’s most compelling, moving, provocative, and life-changing tabloid headlines:

Headline: Ayaw makulong nagbigti
> Mas gusto ang death penalty

Headline: Speaker Belmonte: Congressman Jules Ledesma, nagbago na
> Babae na?!? Nooooo!

Headline: Binay bumaba ang satisfaction ratings
> Baka nagkulang sa text blast?

Headline: Llamas, babalatan ni Miriam sa AK-47
> Kailan pa naging prutas si Llamas? I wasn’t informed.

Headline: PNoy, labing-anim ang baril noong senador pa
> Ang pagkakaiba lang, hindi tanga ang bodyguards niya para bumangga sa isang dump truck

Headline: Congressman Roman Romulo ni Shalani, itinanggi ang bading issue
> Eh ‘di bongga!

Headline: Promotor sa paggawa ng pekeng pera sa Recto natimbog
> Pero promotor sa paggawa ng pekeng diploma tuloy ang ligaya

Headline: Osang bilib na bilib sa pagkalalaki ni Ted Failon
> Ang tanong: bilib na bilib kaya siya sa pagkababae mo?

Headline: Disisyete anyos na lalaki tinodas habang naglalaro ng video game
> Seguridad ni Pangulong Aquino, hinigpitan

Headline: Banawe Rice Terraces mabubura sa mapa
> Para namang wala pa akong nakitang mapa na kita ang Banawe Rice Terraces. So paanong mabubura ‘yon?

Headline: Mister na makulit sa kalabit, nakatikim ng tadyak-kabayo kay misis
> Moral of the story, aanhin pa ang damo, kung naninipa naman ang kabayo.

Headline: Kelot na lasing, hindi na nagising
> News item talaga ‘to? Wala nang maibalita?

Headline: Compound ng mayor grinanada
> ‘Granada’ vinerb

Headline: KC Naguguluhan na sa relasyon kay Piolo Pascual
> Kami rin.
—————————————————————————————
“The tabloids are like animals, with their own behavioural patterns. There’s no point in complaining about them, any more than complaining that lions might eat you.”
~David Mellor

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STIMULUS

THE GOVERNMENT will spend an additional 72 billion pesos this year for key programs like poverty alleviation & housing, and infrastructure projects to boost the economy. President Aquino calls the 72-billion peso budget a “stimulus package” – or as contractors would say, “Merry Christmas!”

President Aquino has approved the release of a 72-billion peso stimulus package. Of the total figure, some 5.5 billion pesos will be spent by the DPWH for roads, bridges, flood control, and Photoshop seminars.

Unfortunately, the police and the military will not benefit from the stimulus package. To augment its arsenal of weapons though, the President has referred them to Ronald Llamas.

President Aquino has unveiled the needed stimulus for the economy. His next target is to find the needed stimulus for his own package.

FOCAP Forum
On Wednesday, a ‘candid’ President Aquino gamely answered questions from the members of the Foreign Correspondents Association of the Philippines or Focap. When asked about his love life, the President replied, “That is not my priority at this point in time.” To which ‘love life’ replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Marcos Burial
President Aquino has spoken. He has rejected a hero’s burial for the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Consider that a dead issue.

President Aquino will not allow a hero’s burial for the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Aquino just reminded everyone that he’s the country’s president, not Jejomar Binay.

Rumors say when Imelda Marcos heard about Aquinos’ decision, she rushed to the Marcos mausoleum. In front of her husband’s body, she cried and waxed poetic.

True Marcos Loyalist Movement chairperson Cherry Cobarrubias said, “Marcos is the true icon of democracy for declaring martial law.” She also believes that Snooki Polizzi is the most beautiful woman alive.

Mar & Korina
DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas admitted that he and wife Korina Sanchez “are trying very hard” to have a baby. He refused to elaborate on his stimulus plan.

Before his appointment was finally confirmed Wednesday, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas was asked by Sen. Panfilo Lacson, “Totoo bang nagdadalang-tao si Korina?” Mar was about to answer when Lacson yelled, “Sasagutin natin ‘yan sa pagbabalik ng ‘The Buzz!’”

Lucky Bank
Four men tried but failed to rob the Masuerte Rural Bank of Bacoor in Cavite Thursday afternoon. The suspects peacefully surrendered to the police after taking hostage the bank’s eight employees and depositors. Moral of the story: Huwag manloloob ng bangkong masuwerte. Mamalasin kayo.

During the hostage crisis, one of the suspects, Johnny Gonzales negotiated their surrender through dzRH’ Deo Macalma. When the hostage crisis was over, Gonzales was thankful and felt extremely lucky that they talked to Deo and not to Erwin Tulfo.

Piolo & KC
Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion have allegedly called it quits. OMG! Did anyone see that coming! Totally unexpected.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“The trouble with a budget is that it’s hard to fill up one hole without digging another.”
~Dan Bennett

Quote of the Week
“If you just do a little checking, you will see that there is no basis for such an allegation and I’m sorry, I’m also human. I feel kind of insulted when I’m asked to disprove a non-event. And I think any of us given the same situation would also feel that way, why do I have to prove something that did not happen.”
~President Aquino’s response to a journalist who asked if there’s truth to persistent rumors he was playing video games during the Manila hostage crisis last year

You Have Spoken
Sa kontrobersyang kinasangkutan ni Presidential Political Adviser Ronald Llamas:
-’Wag nang palakihin. Parusahan kung nagkamali ang security aides. Move on. 41.51%
- Dapat siyang mag-resign. 50.94%
- Wala akong pakialam. 7.55%

Enjoy the rest of the week! Ingat!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Bonus: Your weekly horoscope for October 12-19, 2011!

GUNS & GOONS

A SPEEDING TAXI loses control and hits a lamppost in Quezon City. The driver who sustained just minor bruises is immediately charged with damage to property. Of course, he would not have been sued if he were a security aide of a political adviser.

Authorities tried to contact the operator of the taxi but they were informed that he was in Geneva when the accident happened.

Llamas Explains
Ronald Llamas is back from Switzerland. If you’re not familiar with the guy, he’s a former leader of Akbayan, and is currently the presidential adviser on firearms concerns.

Presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas admits that he owns at least five firearms including the Soviet-designed assault rifle AK-47 and an M-16. Take that Virgie Torres!

Defending his ownership of an AK-47 assault rifle, presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas says there are “credible threats to my personal safety.” He just sacked two of his security aides… making those threats more credible.

Ronald Llamas owns at least five firearms. He sure knows how to fire guns. And employees.

The dismissed security aides of presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas – Joey Tecson and John Alarcon who slammed the official’s car to a slow moving truck – are not off the hook yet. They could be held liable for illegal possession of stupidity.

Breaking News! This report is brought to you by Havaianas flip-flops.
After ruling three times “with finality” that PAL’s retrenchment of flight attendants and stewards 13 years ago was illegal, the Supreme Court en banc, in an unprecedented move recalled its own decision. The full court is expected to issue a ruling on the second motion for reconsideration filed by PAL. Of course, expect that ruling to be recalled 13 years from now.

The Supreme Court had ruled “three times” that the retrenchment of 1,400 PAL flight attendants in 1998 was illegal. But in a two-page resolution dated October 4, the High Tribunal recalled its ruling. Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez cited ‘misapplication of rules.’ In layman’s term, ‘katangahan.’

Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez says, “This is the first time I’ve encountered something like this.” Kami rin.

Explaining the Supreme Court’s decision to withdraw a ruling that favored the association of PAL flight attendants, Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez cited “misapplication of rules.” In totally unrelated news, the Department of Budget is studying if there had been a “misallocation of budget” for the Supreme Court.

Modernong Talasalitaan
“With finality”
- Kapag ikaw ay ordinaryong Pilipino, kinasuhan at natalo, tapos ang maliligayang araw mo. Sure na. Final na kahit umapela ka pa. Good luck sa ‘yo!
- Kapag ikaw ay powerful at influential businessman, kinasuhan at natalo, no problemo! Kahit paulit-ulit nang nagpasya ang korte laban sa ‘yo, mababaligtad mo!
To use in a sentence:
“The Supreme Court hereby rules with finality in favor of the Flight Attendants and Stewards Association of the Philippines. Not! LOL.”

Napocor vs. Bulacan
Bulacan Governor Willy Alvarado says there is evidence that Napocor’s decision to release water from the Angat dam caused the massive flooding in the province. The local government of Bulacan is now suing Napocor. If the case wouldn’t prosper, Alvarado is keen on taking “Pedring” to court.

Ouch!
After killing his wife, a 39-year-old Capiz native cut off his penis. Police described the first one as strangulation; the second, decapitation.

Unlike!
A man in Pecos, Texas allegedly hit his wife when she failed to “Like” his Facebook status. The wife retaliated by filing a case against him, and clicking the “Unfriend” button.

Goodwill Ambassador
According to presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas, the United Nations High Commission for Refugees is inviting presidential sister Kris Aquino to be its goodwill ambassador (for Asia) just like the late Princess Diana who, like Kris, was also popular, had two sons, and was married to a cheating husband.
————————————————————————————-
“We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.”
~ Anonymous

Quote of the Week
“Usually naman nakikita natin ‘yung mga ambushes, ang dala-dala ng mga nang-a-ambush ay mga long firearms. So just to be sure. Nagkataon lang na nagkaroon ng aksidente, nakunan ng litrato, pero hangga’t maaari naman hindi naman nilalabas ‘yan e. Nakatago lang ‘yan.”
~Presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas

Elsewhere
Move.Ph: The President’s Top Guns

Antonio Montalvan II (PDI): The people are not her bosses

GMA News: ‘Text neck’ a modern malady for gadget lovers

Spread the love.

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CONFIRMED!

Satur Ocampo (In the Philippines): Sir, our comrade is dead! I repeat, our comrade is dead. Do you read me?
Jose Maria Sison (In Europe): Roger!

Gregorio ‘Ka Roger’ Rosal, spokesman of the Communist Party of the Philippines’ armed wing, the New People’s Army is dead. I heard Malacañang is now willing to talk peace with him.

The Communist Party of the Philippines has confirmed that its spokesman, Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal is dead. On the brighter side, the CPP-NPA is announcing a job opening soon!

Rumors have it when Ka Roger got sick, he stepped down as spokesman and was replaced by his No. 2 guy who’s gay.

Comrades hailed Ka Roger’s “contributions” to the “historic revolution” such as iAttack, iTorch, iRecruit, iAbduct, iAmbush, iCollect and iLiquidate.

Gregorio ‘Ka Roger’ Rosal, the spokesman of the CPP-NPA died last June 22. In honor of the deceased Communist rebel, the New People’s Army will torch three Globe cell sites and attack more mining firms.

Communist spokesman Ka Roger Rosal died last June 22. It took the CPP-NPA more than three months to confirm his death because of Globe’s poor signal in the Sierra Madre Mountains.

In lieu of flowers, the CPP-NPA is now accepting revolutionary donations.

Smokin’ President
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda denied that President Aquino was allowed to smoke in his recent return flight from San Francisco to Manila as reported by a Manila Standard Today columnist. Lacierda is offering an Hermes bag as reward to anyone on that flight who could show proof that the President lit a cigar.

Lapid Debates
Last week, Sen. Manuel ‘Lito’ Lapid took the Senate floor to interpellate RH Bill sponsor Pia Cayetano. And everyone agreed – the action star’s first attempt at comedy was a huge success. Congratulations!

Envoy Apologizes
US Ambassador Harry Thomas Jr. apologized for saying that 40 percent of male tourists visit the Philippines for sex. The US envoy admitted he didn’t have the statistics to back up his claim. Only the experience.

But Sen. Loren Legarda still wants Ambassador Thomas to “provide the basis of the 40 percent” – prompting the envoy to panic and seek the help of 4 of his 10 closest American friends in Manila.

Nora Aunor
Nora Aunor has vowed to promote the Philippine Medical Association’s “Smoke-free Philippines” campaign. In totally unrelated news, Joseph Estrada has vowed to promote the Vatican’s “Be faithful to your wife” campaign.
——————————————————————————————————-
“Communism is like Prohibition, it’s a good idea but it won’t work.”
~Will Rogers

Quotes of the Weak
“Very clearly, the moves to persecute the Arroyos are Palace orchestration with Lacierda as the principal crooner singing whatever tunes Aquino would want to hear.”
~Arroyo lawyer Raul Lambino

“(Lambino) just sang out of tune. He wasn’t listening to the melody and lyrics of my statement. So get a music teacher.”
~Presidential Spokesperson Edwin Lacierda

Personal
Last Saturday’s edition of #QUIZtion: a general knowledge quiz on Twitter, which I moderate was one of the most competitive in recent weeks. One word: kinarir.

Join #QUIZtion every Saturday night between 8:43 and 11 o’clock. Good luck!

Have a safe, healthy, and productive week!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

iGuess

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE involved are keeping it a secret, we’ll keep their identities a secret. Good luck!

iGuess No.1:
Sometime in September 2011, a newborn baby was welcomed to the Christian world. Proud Mama was there. Proud Papa was also there. But Proud Mama and Proud Papa are not a couple – legally. Proud Papa, a politician is a married man. Sources say the legal wife is aware of the affair and she has forgiven him. He’s a very good provider anyway.

iGuess No. 2:
Contrary to earlier claims by both camps, Mr. Politician and Beautiful Celebrity actually dated! Pero ‘yon na ‘yon! Mr. Politician never even reached “second base.” He was not just her type. A health buff, Beautiful Celebrity described his “habit” as a big turnoff. And the hypersalivation was disgusting, she told closest friends. Foamy? Eeew.

iGuess No.3:
After their breakup, she found a new love while he remained single. She’s reportedly living in now with the new guy. Here’s the catch. The happy couple’s love nest was purchased with half of her ex-boyfriend’s money. Nasaan ka delicadeza?

Personal
Join our regular weekend quiz on Twitter!

#QUIZtion happens every Saturday night between 8:30 and 11 o’clock. No registration required. Just follow me on Twitter: @HecklerForever, wait for the question and then tweet your answer with the hashtag #QUIZtion. First three persons to tweet the correct answer will be recognized and shall receive heaps of praises, 10 seconds of fame, and an indescribable feeling of fulfillment. Tip: If you’re using a laptop or a desktop computer, download Tweetdeck to increase your chances of making it on the elite winners’ list.

Last Saturday, ABS-CBN News’ Jeff Canoy posted a rare 4-peat, winning four times during the entire quiz. GMA News’ Joseph Morong and Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Abigail Lim Ho also won that night. Deputy presidential spokesman Abigail Valte’s highest placement last Saturday was 12th. Former congressman Ruffy Biazon used to join the quiz until his appointment to the Bureau of Customs. ARMM Assemblyman Zia Alonto Adiong is also a regular.

Don’t be intimidated guys. You can beat them! I’ll wait for you! Good luck!

Happy weekend!

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iPerished

STEVEN PAUL JOBS
(February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)

THE CO-FOUNDER OF APPLE is dead at 56. Another reminder that America is indeed in recession. The US just keeps losing JOBS.

Steve Jobs passed away on the same day Sarah Palin announced that she’s NOT seeking the Republican Party’s presidential nomination. In death, hope.

The family of Steve Jobs said the Apple co-founder “died peacefully.” It helped that Sarah Palin made that announcement while he was dying.

There were actually two deaths on the same night. RIP Steve Jobs. RIP Sarah Palin’s political career.

Steve Jobs succumbed to pancreatic cancer. Apparently, an apple a day did not keep the doctor away. May he rest in peace.

Steve Jobs’ death was announced by Apple. Nope, prior to the official announcement, there was no leak whatsoever.

The co-founder of Snapple is dead. I mean, Apple. Damn this autocorrect.

Steve Jobs is dead. This just in: St. Peter just announced that heaven will go digital soon.

Netizens have hailed Steve Jobs, the visionary, for thinking “different.” So the next time President Aquino decides NOT to visit typhoon-ravaged communities, do not oppose or criticize him. You could be interfering with a vision.

Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple is dead. Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang and his staff are deeply saddened by his passing. His Apple computers were a huge part of their lives.

Steve Jobs inspired people to think different, and to think ahead of others. Or as Vice President Binay would call it, “2016.”
—————————————————————————————
“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”
~Steve Jobs

Elsewhere
How to live before you die: Steve Jobs’ commencement address at Stanford University (2005)

Time: Technology’s Great Reinventor: Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

Have a safe weekend!

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OF MANIPULATION & MASTURBATION

BREAKING NEWS: Amid criticisms, President Aquino is finally visiting typhoon-ravaged communities in Central Luzon a week after the onslaught of Typhoon Pedring. Now that’s what I call ‘climate change.’

Suspended
The Department of Public Works and Highways has suspended the “overeager” employee who posted on Facebook a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials while inspecting the damaged Manila Bay seawall. While serving his/her suspension, the unidentified employee is required to take advanced Photoshop tutorials.

The DPWH has sanctioned its employee who posted a manipulated image of three senior officials on Facebook. To get even, the embarrassed officials requested that the erring employee be placed on ‘floating’ status.

Malacañang is thanking Filipino netizens for their vigilance. They just foiled what could have been the first “ghost project” under the Aquino administration. Good work!

The “overeager” DPWH employee who posted a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials on Facebook had been suspended. Worse, his Facebook friends have “Unliked” his personal photos they previously “Liked.”

Masturbation
A Filipino lawmaker is condemning masturbation saying it’s “the same thing as using a condom” and it interferes with the “natural process” of procreation. The lawmaker was identified as Pope Juan Ponce Enrile.

Senator Enrile says self-pleasure is the same thing as using a condom, a form of contraceptive that was first used in the Middle Ages some 12 thousand to 15 thousand years ago… when Enrile was still a toddler.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is condemning self-pleasure. But that’s not surprising. When Manong Johnny was a teenage boy, the concept of masturbation had yet to be invented.

Apparently, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is against masturbation because it aborts life. Well, had he opposed the staging of a fake ambush in 1972, he would have saved many lives then.

Nothing much has changed. The Enrile of the Martial Law years and the Enrile of today – still trampling basic human rights.

During the recent Senate plenary debate on the Reproductive Health Bill, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stated that pleasuring oneself “is the same thing as using a condom.” Enrile’s pronouncement has prompted the Sangguniang Barangay of. Ayala Alabang Village to require its residents to get a doctor’s permit before they are allowed to masturbate.

This just in: Because of Senator Enrile’s views on self-gratification, Quezon City Councilor Winnie Castelo is reportedly filing an Anti-Masturbation Act of 2011.

Regardless of his controversial pronouncement, I still believe that Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is opposed to masturbation in the same way Mike Arroyo is opposed to corruption.

Question: What do you call a dramatic movie in which the lead actor, an 87-year-old politician was forced to masturbate against his will?
Answer: A tearjerker
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“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
~George Carlin

Quote of the Week
“This is big damage for me. We became the center of attention. Our picture was played with. We even found ourselves in the Last Supper.”
~ DPWH Undersecretary Romeo Momo, one of the three senior officials in the controversial ‘photoshopped’ image

Supermania
A Superman fanatic named Herbert Chavez repeatedly went under the knife to look like the famous superhero. Unfortunately, the transformation would never be complete. While he sort of looked like the ‘man of steel,’ he spoke like Lois Lane.

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Obey God.
Procreate.
Do NOT masturbate.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

(Photo Credit: Moon landing pic was tweeted by one of my followers.)

FROM THE TABLOIDS

Tabloid Headline: Mga Pilipino yayaman na sa 2024
> Bakit? May allocation na rin ng pork barrel?! Yey!

Tabloid Headline: Siyam na milyong Pinoy, ‘no read, no write’
> So pa’ano sila yayaman n’yan?

Tabloid Headline: Labimpitong mangingisda nilamon ng dagat
Tabloid Headline: Setenta’y dos anyos na lolo nilamon ng apoy
> Nakakatakot. Parang may trend. Ano kayang susunod: Lola nilamon ng hangin?

Tabloid Headline: Kelot, kritikal sa boga ng sekyu
> If it’s any consolation, hindi sa SM Mall naganap ang pamamaril

Tabloid Headline: US naglabas ng travel alert
> Saan? Sa Roxas Boulevard?

Tabloid Headline: PNoy “trying” makahanap ng kabiyak
> Next!

Tabloid Headline: PNoy separada ang ipinalit kay Shalani
> Puwede na rin ‘yon! Ok, mamili ka: separada o operada?

Tabloid Headline: Boobs ni Ryza, pang-cover ng men’s mag!
>‘Yong katawan, hindi kasama? Boobs lang talaga?

Tabloid Headline: Ex-lady solon, nagpalabas ng malakas na pasabog
> ‘Wag na lang ‘to. Pumapatol daw ‘yan eh. Ayokong mademanda.

Tabloid Headline: Polo Ravales, papasok sa pulitika
> In the interest of fairness, bukas po ang blog na ito sa ‘panig’ ng pulitika

Tabloid Headline: Azkals naglalaway sa Taiwanese
> Confeeermed!

Tabloid Headline:Erik Santos may kapalit agad; Vice Ganda lilipat na sa Backroom
> Ah ok. Sabagay, parehong sikat, parehong kumakanta, parehong alam mo na. Talented.

Tabloid Headline: Robin Padilla unhappy with his teleserye
> Kami rin.

Tabloid Headline: Revilla sa DPWH: Tiyaking climate change-proof ang itatayong imprastraktura
> Sige nga, what is ‘climate change?’

Tabloid Headline: Pagbi-VP ni Senator Bong, tuloy na!
> Saka na ‘yan! Define ‘climate change’ muna.

Have a great week!
Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers.

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DISASTER

Flood!
Calumpit is inundated. Hagonoy is under water. And Northern Luzon is being battered by heavy rains. DPWH officials are having a tough time choosing the best location for their next photo op.

Massive floods swamped entire villages in Bulacan, Nueva Ecija and Pampanga, Residents are blaming Napocor for releasing water from major dams in Luzon at the height of the typhoon. Napocor is blaming rainwater rushing down from the mountains. Surprisingly, President Aquino has yet to blame the previous administration.

Last week, President Aquino pledged 1 million dollars to Japan’s disaster victims. Is it too late to take it back?

State Witness?
Former Comelec chairman Benjamin Abalos has offered to become a state witness against election officials who allegedly rigged the 2007 elections in Mindanao. In totally unrelated news, Andal Ampatuan Jr. is willing to become a state witness against the perpetrators of the Maguindanao massacre.

Lolong
Environment Secretary Ramon Paje has suggested the transfer of crocodile Lolong from Agusan del Sur to Quezon City Parks and Wildlife. Apparently, Quezon City wants more!

Reports said Lolong had become lethargic and had not eaten for a month now. As if to protest its captivity, it has also been planking since September 3.

Juan Time
Last Friday, Vice President Binay, representing President Aquino launched the campaign called “Juan Time.” He urged Filipinos to eradicate the habit of “Filipino time” or coming late for appointments. To which the President said, “Ouch!”

Elderly Week
The Philippines is celebrating ‘Elderly Filipino Week’ from October 1 to 7. To mark the weeklong event, the Professional Heckler will not write anything against Senators Juan Ponce Enrile and Joker Arroyo.

One of the activities this year is the Super Senior Citizens Song Fest on October 4.  Imelda Marcos will perform a special number.

Ten outstanding elderly Filipinos will be awarded this week. Sen. Loren Legarda can’t wait to meet the winners in the ‘Lolo’ category.

UAAP Finals
The Ateneo Blue Eagles soared to a historic 4-peat by beating the FEU Tamaraws in the UAAP Finals Saturday. Hats off to Norman Black! Fascinators off to Manny V. Pangilinan! Congratulations!

It was a lopsided victory for MVP’s boys who had the “homecourt advantage” throughout the season.

Next year, the Ateneo Blue Eagles will ‘drive for five.’ Also next year, the UP Pep Squad will ‘sashay for trey.’

Nico Salva was named Finals MVP. Take that Megan Young!

Rookies Kiefer Ravena and Greg Slaughter received their first ever championship rings yesterday. Kiefer and Slaughter: 2 – LeBron James – 0!

Boy on Bandila
‘The King of Talk,’  Boy Abunda is joining Bandila to dish out a nightly dose of entertainment news, and discuss the hottest showbiz controversies with co-anchors Julius Babao, Karen Davila and Ces Drilon. It’s part ‘SNN’ part ‘The Buzz’ within ‘The Bottomline’ within ‘Bandila.’ Consider it the ‘Inception’ of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs.

Nadia vs. Rama
Former actress Nadia Montenegro sued her two teenage daughters’ manager, Annabelle Rama for child abuse. Montenegro claims Rama has been forcing her daughters to work overtime, wear sexy outfits, and entertain “powerful” and “influential men.” Or as Ruffa Gutierrez would call it, “My journey.”
——————————————————————————————–
“Perhaps catastrophe is the natural human environment, and even though we spend a good deal of energy trying to get away from it, we are programmed for survival amid catastrophe.”
~Germaine Greer

McDonald’s Turns 30
McDonald’s is celebrating its 30th year in the Philippines. Thirty years of profit and unhealthy diet. Happy Anniversary!

Ronald McDonald in the Philippines is now 30 years old. Or as Vicki Belo would say, “Too old.”

Oops, he did it again!
Quote of the Week
“The President is not fond of photo ops.”
-Presidential Spokesman Edwin Lacierda when asked by palace reporters why President Aquino was not visible in areas struck by disaster

Just a Rumor
Studio 23 has a program called “Where is Toni?” TV5’s ‘Pinoy Explorer’ is asking “Nasaan si Aga?” Rumors say NBN4 will soon launch a show called, “Find the President!”

Quote of the Week, Too
“I’m so attached to Lolong. I spend most of my time with the crocodile. I consider him my son now.”
~ Bunawan, Agusan Del Sur Mayor Cox Elorde rejecting suggestions to transfer ‘Lolong’ to the Quezon City Parks and Wildlife

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Have a safe and productive week ahead!