FLIPTOP BATTLE EXTRA

YOU ASKED FOR IT, you got it. Here is Part II of Fliptop and Politics, the fliptop rap battle between politicians, people in the news, and more!

A fliptopper isn’t supposed to be tamed. To humiliate opponents is his primary aim. Kaya walang mapipikon sa aking mga hirit. Hindi ko naman inasam na kayo ay magalit. ‘Meron tayong free will,’ sabi nga ni Ms. Zeny Seva. Kung ‘di mo trip ang post na ‘to, makakaalis ka na! Break it down.

Match No. 1: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Former President Fidel Ramos

President Ramos:
Hindi ako pumapatol lalo na sa babae
Ngunit may exception: kung mukha itong lalaki
Some things never change, ‘sintapang ka pa rin ng alamid
Nineteen years ka nang talunan, ‘di ka pa rin nagco-concede!?
Belat!

Utang na loob…
‘Wag mo ‘kong daanin sa pick up lines mong corny
Bumenta na’ng lahat ‘yan, panahon pa ni Cory
Sa halip na mag-joke, pa-check up ka ng kokote
Baka kailangan mong sumailalim sa lobotomy!

Senator Miriam:
You despicable prokaryote! ‘Wag ka ngang magmalinis!
Nanggigigil ako sa ‘yo, I’d like to crush you like an ipis
Centennial Expo, PEA Amari: scammer ka, ‘wag tumanggi
Sa husay mong magpaikot, nahuthutan si Gaddafi!

How dare you insult me, you paleolithic protozoa
You would’ve lost the elections kung ‘di lang minanipula
At kung mukha akong lalaki; ikaw naman mukhang hudas
Kaya wala kang nabola kundi si Baby Arenas!
Taksil!

Match No. 2: Bishop Teodoro Bacani and Cong. Edcel Lagman on RH Bill

Bishop Bacani:
Patawarin ka ng Diyos, kongresistang makasalanan
Pinaggagagawa mo’y sadyang ‘di mo nalalaman
Pildoras at condom, naku, tutol d’yan ang langit
Sa impyerno ang bagsak mo, kapag iyong ipinilit!

RH Bill, Divorce Bill, Same Sex Marriage bill ba ang kasunod?
Nawa’y muling magka-Great Flood upang kayo’y mangalunod
Kadiri! Nakakasuka! Dapat nga kayong iwasan!
Excommunication ang sagot, kampon ng kadiliman!

Congressman Lagman:
Ayaw kong mamersonal, pero ikaw ang nagsimula
Ikaw na nga ‘tong imoral, ‘sipag mo pang magngangawa
Rally vs. contraceptives, bakit saksakan kayo ng bilis,
Pero tikom naman ang bibig sa isyu ng pagbubuwis?

Ang linis mo, Bishop Ted, nakakahiya namang lumapit
Ang bango ng hininga mo; ang puti ng iyong singit
Pati yata Vaticano, nahihirapan kang i-handle
Kaya naman tolerated ang ‘yong hobby na mag-fondle!

Amen!

Match No. 3: Nora Aunor vs. Philippine Medical Association on Yes! Magazine Cover

Philippine Medical Association:
Masama kang ehemplo, hindi ka amusing
‘Sabagay even then adik ka na sa smoking!
Akala mo siguro cool na cool ang pagyoyosi
Panira ‘yan ng lovelife, ask mo pa si Presidente!

Lest you forget madam, hindi ka na beinte-uno
Almost 60 ka na lola at ‘sang dosena na ang apo!
Sigarilyo, alak at ang all-time favorite mong casino
No wonder, TV5 lamang ang sumusugal sa ‘yo!

Nora Aunor:
Hindi ko po intensyong makasakit ng damdamin
Lalo na sa mga grupong mahilig magpapansin
Pati ba naman yosi ko, pinag-iinitan
So anong susunod? ‘Yong aking katomboyan?!

“My brother is not a pig!”

And please lang, tigilan n’yo na ang pagiging ipokrito
Maraming doktor din ang addict sa sigarilyo
“Live and let live,” ang aking pakiusap
Peace PMA peeps! Tara, let’s drink to that!

“I did not kill anybody!”

Match No. 4: Congressional Spouse Jinkee Pacquiao vs. Intrigueros

Jinkee Pacquiao:
Kung wala kayong magawa sa buhay, tigilan n’yo na ang tsismis
Que loyal man o hindi si Manny sa ‘kin, it’s no longer your business!
In fact we’re going stronger, hinding-hindi mabubuwag
‘Pag ‘di n’yo ko tinantanan, sasampalin kita ng Hermes bag!

At sa malalanding babae d’yan, layuan n’yo ang asawa ko
Kung pera lang ang habol n’yo, tell me, right now, magkano?
Ito ang tandaan n’yo: nag-iisa lang akong reyna!
Kahawig ni Dyan Castillejo, Kristine Hermosa ang aura!
Mga bruha!

Intrigueros:
Fault ba namin kung mambabae ang Pambansang Kamao?
Kung ma-link sa mga Ara, mga Rufa Mae o Ranillo?
Excuse me, excuse us, siya ang gumagawa ng tsismis!
‘Di ba nga’t may new rumor, meron daw ngayong buntis?
Erase.
Erase.
Erase.

Oh, by the way, ‘pansin nga namin ang iyong bagong ganda
Tagumpay ang eksperimento! Halos ‘di ka na nga makilala
Dyan C? Kristine H? Just exactly what we thought
Ingat sa next surgery, baka magmukha kang Freddie Roach!

“Malaswaaaa! Pakialaman n’yo ang malaswa!”
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“We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.”
~Bertrand Russell

Pogi Points
> Department of Photoshopped Works and Highways? (DPWH)
ABS-CBNNews.com reported Thursday that DPWH allegedly uploaded a Photoshopped image to its Facebook page making it appear that three  DPWH officials were talking, “with the damaged Manila Bay seawall in the background.” Patawa! Sino ‘yong naka-red jacket, si David Blaine?

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PEDRING

AS OF 5PM, Tuesday, more than 3,000 people have been stranded because of Typhoon Pedring. But that’s nothing compared to the number of stranded people because of PALEA.

As Typhoon Pedring lashes Luzon, irate passengers lash at Philippine Airlines.

Portions of Roxas Boulevard were submerged in floodwaters as waves washed over the seawall of Manila’s baywalk area. When he heard this, a furious Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim ordered Manila policemen to bring Pedring to Tondo.

Apparently inspired by Miss Universe third runner-up Shamcey Supsup, Typhoon Pedring demonstrated its own ‘tsunami walk.’

Raging waves and floodwaters did not spare the US Embassy in Roxas Boulevard. Before noon Tuesday, the seafront compound changed its name to US EmbasSea.

This just in: Wikileaks has released confidential cables allegedly sent by the US Embassy to Washington. In one cable, Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. told the US Department of State he hated Manila’s flood-prone streets.

Typhoon Pedring is the 16th disturbance to slam the Philippines this year. Seventeen, if you count Hong Kong.

Typhoon #Pedring became a top trending topic worldwide on Twitter Tuesday afternoon as people talked about the damage it has caused. The ‘hurtful’ barrage of tweets has prompted Pedring to cry cyberbullying.

Around noon Tuesday, PAGASA reported that Pedring was having buffet at Sofitel Philippine Plaza‘s famed Spiral restaurant.

As of 5PM, Tuesday Typhoon Pedring has crossed Northern Luzon and is now over the West Philippine Sea. All yours China! All yours!

At 10 am, Tuesday, Typhoon Pedring weakened as it crossed the Sierra Madre mountain range. Nonetheless, Pedring was still moving faster than you could say N-D-R-R-M-C!

Dear Mr. President,
Where the hell are you? Sayang!
Hindi na kita mahihintay. I have to leave.
Bye,
Pedring
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“It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.”
~Mark Twain

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TRIPS

Japan Visit
President Aquino is in Japan right now. For a change, no MILF leader will meet him there secretly.

President Aquino is on a working visit to Japan. He was warmly welcomed by Japanese officials upon his arrival at the Haneda Airport. Unfortunately, something awkward happened upon his arrival in Tokyo. When the welcoming hosts taught him some Japanese words and phrases, he showed his appreciation by teaching them the tsunami walk.

Best/Worst Places for Women
According to a Newsweek magazine report, the worst place in the world to be a woman is Chad in Central Africa. In second place is anywhere near Reverend Father Raul Cabonce of Tubay, Agusan Del Norte.

International publication Newsweek magazine reports the Philippines is the best place in Asia for women. Unless of course you’re alone in a room with Bishop Teodoro Bacani.

Sex Tourism
According to US Ambassador Harry Thomas Jr, 40 percent of foreign men visit the Philippines primarily for sex. The rest (60%) refused to talk, and invoked their right against self incrimination.

NASA Satellite
Residents of Barangay Daga in Panay, Capiz fled their homes following reports that NASA satellite debris crashed nearby. Local police quickly dismissed the report as untrue saying the “debris” seen falling was an improvised pyrotechnic. But scared residents wanted to be sure so they requested that an independent investigation be conducted by Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

NASA’s dead 6-ton satellite plunged to Earth early Saturday but U.S. space officials didn’t know just where it hit. In totally unrelated news, autoshops in Banawe Street in Quezon City have declared a 3-day sale.

US space officials couldn’t locate the debris of the 6-ton satellite that plunged to Earth last Saturday. The CIA is now conducting surveillance in Abbotabad, Pakistan.

The bus-sized satellite that plunged to Earth cannot be located. Authorities say it could be anywhere in the Pacific right now learning how to cook afritada, adobo and empanada with the help of Google.

NPA Attacks
Communist insurgents set fire to 12 Victory Liner buses at a bus terminal in Capas, Tarlac Sunday night. The NPA rebels originally planned to torch Globe cellular sites but they thought, torched or not, Globe’s signal sucked. What for?

Gilas Pilipinas
Smart Gilas lost to South Korea and settled for a 3rd runner-up finish in the FIBA Asia championship. The Filipino dribblers were still happy though with their performance, saying “We did not compete to please anyone. We competed to please God.”
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“That intelligent creatures exist in outerspace is proven by the fact that they have not contacted us.”
~ Loesje

Have a great week ahead! Ingat!

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FLIPTOP AND POLITICS

HERE’S A CONFESSION: I used to follow “Nick Cannon Presents: Wild ‘N Out” on MTV. It was hosted by Nick Cannon a.k.a. Mr. Mariah Carey. My favorite part of the show was ‘Wild Style’ – a fliptop rap battle in which members of two rival teams insulted and dissed each other using freestyle rap. The team with the wittiest punchlines and the cleverest rhymes usually emerged as winners.

What if local politicians and government officials engage in fliptop rap battles? How much insult can they take? Whose bragging and boasting would impress the public?

This post was inspired by the fliptop craze in the Philippines. Let’s get going!

Match No. 1: Presidential spokesperson Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. George San Mateo of the militant transport group Piston

Atty. Edwin Lacierda:
Ang dami n’yong dada,
Para kayong bakla
Tinawag lang na perwisyo,
Agad na nagwala!

Your rally was a dud!
‘Yan ang totoo brod
Wala nang kadating-dating
May paandar pang planking!
Boo! Break it down!

Piston:
Break it down mo’ng mukha mo
Embarrassment ka sa pangulo
Ang dami mong sinasabi
Wala ka namang silbi!

Baka nakakalimutan mo
Kami ang ‘boss’ ng ‘yong amo?
‘Tsaka bakit sa militante, ang lakas mong mang-asar
Urong naman ang ‘yong bayag pagdating sa grupong Samar!
Yeah!!!

Match No. 2: Vice President Jejomar Binay vs. DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas

Vice President Binay:
Nakakatawa ka, para kang bata!
Habol nang habol sa kending nawala
Ang hirap kasi, nag-expect ka ng panalo
Eh kahit pangulo mo, ‘di ka yata ‘binoto!
Toingkz!

At weh ano naman kung nasa DOTC ka?
Ang tanong ng bayan: happy ka naman ba?
iurong mo na kasi ang iyong protesta,
Wala kang pag-asa bro, sayang lang ang ‘yong pera!
Bwahaha!

DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas:
Kung maka-bro ka naman, para tayong magkapatid
Eh ang kakulay mo lang, ang maitim kong litid!
Ako, fifty-four pa lang; eh ikaw? Sixty-eight!
Malapit ka nang dalhin sa Home for the Aged!
Awooo!

At take note!
Malinis ang aking record, kahit may tsismis na “under”
Mas ok naman ‘yon kesa kasuhan ng plunder
Ouch! Sorry, meron bang tinamaan d’yan?
Ang pumiyok – guilty, ‘wag kasing gahaman!
Break it down!

Match No. 3: Sen. Lito Lapid vs. Quezon City Rep. Winnie Castelo

Lito Lapid:
Gaya-gaya puto maya, wala kang originality
Ako kaya ang nagpauso ng bills na super silly
Ano bang nakakatawa sa Anti-Planking Act?
Mas funny ang bill ko: Anti-Bag na Mabigat!

Hey dude! Hey tsong, kelan ka ba huling nanalamin?
Kasi naman ang bangs mo parang unggoy na naglalambitin
Graduate ka raw ng UP. ‘Di nga? Serious ka?
Eh bakit ang bills mo parang gawa ng artista?
Yeah… take it down!

Winnie Castelo:
“Take it down” ka d’yan! Saksakan ka nang engot!
Ni hindi mo nga alam ang Ingles sa kulangot!
Hindi kita ginagaya, ‘wag ka ngang feeling
Wala ka namang alam kundi ‘yang quarrying!

Pati ba naman bangs ko iyong pinapakialaman
Eh ‘yong debate mo with Miriam, kumusta naman?
And yes, I’m from UP, how dare you na magduda!
Ni wala ka ngang natapos kahit pagbuburda!
Tse!

Match No. 4: San Juan Rep. JV Ejercito vs. Ang Galing Party-List Rep. Mikey Arroyo

JV Ejercito:
Lahat na lang ay may sakit, ang dami n’yong palusot
Para kayong helicopter, walang tigil sa pag-ikot!
Sakit sa leeg, sakit sa atay, sakit sa puso, ano ba ‘yan!
Gagawin yata ang lahat para kaso’y matakasan!
Sus naman!

‘Yong daddy mong corrupt, hayun at nasa Germany!
Malakas ang kutob kong naglo-launder ng money!
Teka nga pala, ano bang ginagawa mo sa Kongreso
Nag-iipon ng pera para kay Rufa Mae Quinto?
Yo! Todo na ‘to!

Mikey Arroyo:
‘T*ng-ina mo, Tarantado! Kupal ka ulupong!
Kanino bang ama ang guilty sa pandarambong?
Kung makapagsalita ka parang ang linis-linis n’yo
Baka nalilimutan mo, pinalayas kayo sa puwesto!

At obvious namang bitter na bitter ka pa rin
Utak ampalaya ka; mukha ka namang pumpkin!
At puwede ba…
‘Wag na ‘wag mong uungkatin ang isyu ng babae
Palibhasa ‘yang half-brother mo, kuwestyunable ang pagkalalaki!
Charing!

Match No. 5: President Aquino vs. Self
Self:
Puro ka punchline, puro ka patawa,
Kunsabagay, kalbo ka nga pala
Seriously now, bakit wala ka pang asawa?
Try mo kaya ang guys, para lang maiba!

President Aquino:
Gago! (Ooops, pasensya na po.) Sira ulo ka ba?
Hindi nga ako nagmamadali, bakit mas marunong ka pa!?
Sige! Kung ‘di makahintay, eh ‘di mauna ka na!
Isang malaking good luck, sana may mabola ka!

Self:
Hayan ka na naman! What’s with the condescending tone?
Wala ka kasing self-confidence, kulang ka sa backbone!
Look at your BFF Mar, humabol pa sa huling biyahe!
Ironically nga lang, ex-girlfriend mo ang dinali! Dyahe!

President Aquino:
Sus! Tumahimik ka!
Basta ako umaasa pa!

Self:
Whatever! Hayy, matagal na akong rindi!
Fifty-one years mo na kasi ‘yang sinasabi!

President Aquino:
It’s not that simple! Idiot! Marriage is destiny.
Believe me.

Self:
Kaya ikaw, single pa rin.
Ikakasal na si Shalani.

President Aquino:
This conversation is over!
Now if you would excuse me…

Self:
Ayan, d’yan ka magaling!
Hala! Mag-PSP!

President Aquino:
Whatever!

Self:
Break it down.
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“I love argument, I love debate. I don’t expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that’s not their job.”
~ Margaret Thatcher

Quote of the Week
“You know I like the song ‘Got to Believe in Magic.’ There’s this line there that says ‘Tell me how two people find each other.’ Well now she found someone. Ako kasi tinatanong ko pa din sa sarili ko how do people find each other? Siya nasagot na niya.”
– President Aquino on the reported engagement of his ex-girlfriend Shalani Soledad with Cong. Roman Romulo

Briefly Noted
When you visit Cong. Winnie Castelo’s official website to check on his Anti-Planking Act, you’ll see this:
“Oops, I screwed up and you discovered my fatal flaw. Well, we’re not all perfect, but we try. Can you try this again or maybe visit our Home Page to start fresh. We’ll do better next time.”
WTF.

Elsewhere
Yahoo News: The Future of Facebook: Out with profile pages, in with the Timeline

Interaksyon.com: Jessica Zafra: Stars vs. Zombies

More fliptop battles are coming soon!
Have a peaceful and fun weekend!

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OF SHOOTING AND PLANKING

REPORTS SAY the most dangerous place for journalists today is war-torn Iraq… while the most dangerous place for warring couples is any branch of SM Supermalls.

Police were looking into three angles in the shooting incident involving two minors, ages 13 and 16 inside SM Pampanga: suicide, jealousy, and stupidity of SM security.

Three shooting incidents have happened in three branches of SM Supermalls this year. One in Luzon (SM Pampanga), one in NCR (SM North Edsa) and one in the Visayas (SM Delgado-Iloilo). Residents of Mindanao have been advised to shop temporarily at Robinsons Malls.

This just in: The United States and South Korea have issued travel advisories for its citizens who are planning to shop at SM Supermalls.

Four of the 12 biggest shopping malls in the world are branches of SM Supermalls. SM’s chain of malls also holds the distinction of having the world’s lousiest security.

Planking
Planking has become a fad in the Philippines. Some people have taken planking to a new level doing the stunt in dangerous, unexpected places like rooftops, billboards or public restrooms. In the Philippines, the most dangerous place to go planking is in front of Congressman Winnie Castelo’s residence.

Quezon City Representative Winston “Winnie” Castelo has filed the controversial “Anti-Planking Act of 2011.” It may sound stupid, silly and dumb but in reality, it is.

Congressman Winston Castelo has denounced militant students who did planking in recent street protests saying “planks disrupt what should be normal traffic.” Therefore I conclude, Castelo is way better off as an MMDA traffic enforcer than a lawmaker.

QC Rep. Winnie Castelo has filed the “Anti-Planking Act of 2011.” Last June, he proposed House Bill 4774, an act that would require lotto winners to donate 20 percent of their winnings to the government. Look out Lito Lapid! You’ve got competition.

For several hours on Tuesday, the Anti-Planking Act of 2011 became a trending topic on Twitter worldwide. Which is not surprising since the concept of idiocy is universal.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Congressman Castelo has nothing but good intentions. It’s just that he expresses his good intentions in a stupid way.

Quezon City Rep. Winnie Castelo has denounced planking in street protests calling it alarming. Just like his hairstyle.

Congressman Winston Castelo is going after planking rallyists… when he should be running after his own hairstylist.

Top 6 [Rumored] Bills to Be Filed Soon by Quezon City Rep. Winston Castelo

No. 6: The Anti-Flaking Act of 2011: An act seeking to provide free gugo shampoo to Filipino homes to fight dandruff and prevent alopecia

No. 5: The Anti-Military Haircut Act of 2011: An act requiring all Filipino men to sport long bangs

No. 4: The Anti-LOLz Act of 2011. An act banning the use of LOL or LOLz in text messages and Facebook/Twitter status if the person couldn’t prove that s/he made a sound when s/he laughed

No. 3: The Anti-LQ in Malls Act of 2011: An act preventing lovers, partners, or couples from entering malls and department stores if they’re at odds with each other

No. 2: The Anti-Love Life Jokes Act of 2011: An act banning elective government officials from injecting love life humor in speeches

And the No. 1 [rumored] bill to be filed soon by QC Rep. Winston Castelo…

The Anti-Annoying Words and Phrases Act of 2011: An act outlawing the use of words and phrases like ‘In fairness,’ ‘Actually,’ ‘Waley’ and ‘You already!” in classrooms

WHAT IS HAPPENING to our country? Really. A 13-year-old boy shoots his alleged 16-year-old lover in a popular shopping mall. A UP alumnus in Congress files an anti-planking bill. And Vice President Jejomar Binay is the country’s most trusted top government official according to a survey. Strange times indeed.

Most Trusted
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Binay is the most trusted among top government officials. Eighty-six percent of Filipinos trust him. The remaining 14 percent were not able to receive his text blasts.

The Leftists
Again, strange times.
Noon: Ang mahigpit na kalaban ng maka-Kaliwang grupo, militar, mga sundalo.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na kalaban ng maka-Kaliwang grupo, si Edwin Lacierda, spokesperson ng pangulo.

Bong Wants Shamcey
Sen. Bong Revilla says he wants Shamcey Supsup to be his leading lady in the film fest entry “Panday 3.” But sources say Shamcey has made it clear that the first career that she loved was architecture, not showbiz. If her fans do love her, they should love architecture too.

Jinkee’s Challenge
On Tuesday, Jinkee Pacquiao vowed to give away an Hermes bag as a reward to anyone who could prove that her husband, Congressman Manny Pacquiao was still seeing other women. This just in! This morning, Jinkee gave one to herself.

Breaking News:
The 13-year-old boy who allegedly committed suicide, and his 16-year-old ‘friend’ whom he shot inside SM Pampanga have been declared “brain dead.” Tragic. In less than 24 hours, we have two ‘brain dead’ people. My friend insists there are three but I think the case of the anti-planking congressman is different.
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“The more laws, the less justice.”
~Marcus Tullius Cicero

Quote of the Weak
“Whether they would admit it or not, the PISTON-led transport strike is a dud! Noticed how leftists are so onion-skinned? Tinawag lang perjuicio ang strike, pumputok ang butchi nila! Mahilig bumanat pero mga pikon pala!”
~Presidential spokesperson Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Enjoy the rest of the week! Ingat!

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COURTESY CALL

SHAMCEY SUPSUP met with President Aquino and Vice President Jejomar Binay at the NAIA’s VIP lounge Sunday night. The President congratulated her for a strong finish in the Miss Universe pageant. In return, Shamcey congratulated the President for his high approval and trust ratings. She also congratulated the Vice President for Miss Angola’s win.

Miss Universe third runner-up Shamcey Supsup met with President Aquino Sunday night at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport’s VIP lounge before he left for the United States. The beauty queen’s courtesy call on the President took place at the NAIA because of his very tight schedule. The only person with a tighter sked is Shamcey.

Before the meeting was over, President Aquino told Shamcey Supsup he’s looking forward to seeing her again. Vice President Binay told her he’s looking forward to 2016.

Shamcey Supsup has a contract with the Aranetas’ Bb. Pilipinas Charities. Which explains why Vice President Binay hardly smiled during the courtesy call. She’s with the Balay group!

President Aquino and Shamcey Supsup met at the NAIA’s VIP lounge Sunday night. It was like a scene from ‘Beauty and the Geek.’ Then Vice President Jejomar Binay joined them, and it reminded me of ‘Outsourced.’

Aquino in America
Before he left for the United States, President Aquino vowed to showcase the Filipinos’ competitiveness. To prove his point, he’ll start by telling US President Barack Obama, “Let’s talk about our approval ratings. What do you got?”

Smoking Kills
Citing a recent study, anti-tobacco group Health Justice Philippines reported that 10 Filipinos die every hour from smoking-related illnesses. But Senator Tito Sotto says he’ll only believe the study if Health Justice could show him the death certificates of the 10 people who died an hour ago.

Context
Vice President Jejomar Binay insists his statement regarding a supposed plan to run for president in 2016 was taken out of context. He says he is just “aspiring to become president.” He’ll explain himself further in his next text blast. Wait lang.

FG Leaves
Former First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo has left for Munich, Germany for a medical check up again. Take that DOJ!

Jailed
Former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia will be serving a jail term of two years. Or as Hubert Webb et al. would say, “Ano ‘yon? Overnight?”

Floyd Jr. Wins
Floyd Mayweather Jr. scored a controversial knockout win against Victor Ortiz. The Mayweather-Ortiz fight preceded the evening’s main event: Mayweather vs. 80-year-old ring announcer Larry Merchant.

Boxing fans can hardly wait to see Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight Manny Pacquiao. To which Floyd Jr said, “Pacquiao is only 32 years old. Let me decide within the next 48 years.”

UAAP Semifinals
The Adamson Falcons wasted its twice-to-beat advantage and lost to the FEU Tamaraws in their do-or-die UAAP semifinals match Sunday. Sources say the Falcons were not able to sleep, and for 24 hours, they kept asking themselves, “What has happened to us?” That’s the same question the UP Fighting Maroons have been asking themselves for the last 25 years.
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“You can’t just beat a team, you have to leave a lasting impression in their minds so they never want to see you again.”
~Mia Hamm

Angry Bird
An influential and popular talent has threatened to resign from a large network because of a radio personality. Sources say the talent has been the subject of the radio personality’s recent blind items particularly the former’s alleged infidelity. The talent was quoted to have said, “Nasa iisang bubong kami ‘tapos ayaw n’ya akong tigilan. Eh kung maghiwalay kami ng asawa ko?!?”

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Have fun!

BACK-2-BACK!

Dear UP Pep Squad
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KAYO NA!
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Nagmamahal at nagpapasalamat,
Professional Heckler
(Walang masabi. ‘Sensya na.)
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“For every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward.”
~Jim Rohn

2011 UAAP Cheerdance Contest Tidbits
The UP Pep Squad won again! Thank you UP men’s basketball team!

UP also won in the group stunts category while UP Pep member Nesza Salvador was chosen as this year’s Samsung Stunner. A grandslam of sorts for the State University. Take that Talk ‘N Txt!

The UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe spelled “UST” with the lower case T resembling a crucifix. It also incorporated a Gary Valenciano gospel song in the routine. As I correctly predicted on Twitter, it finished 3rd runner-up. Alam mo na!

Lea Salonga immediately denied reports that she wrote the results read by host Boom Gonzales. The organizers in fact did.

Oprah Winfrey has likewise disowned a statement in which she purportedly said that fourth place UST should have won the title.

A CNN columnist called Ateneo’s routine the “dumbest performance in the universe.”

Contrary to rumors, UP’s costume was designed by a Filipino and not by Colombia’s Alfredo Barraza.

La Salle‘s Animo Squad was the 1st runner-up. Take that Ateneo!

Had La Salle failed to finish in the Top 4, the DLSU Animo Squad head coach and staff would have resigned.

Rumors say after UP’s win, somebody was spotted “stalking”  the members of the squad. The person was later identified as Dyan Castillejo.

Finally, members of the UP Pep Squad are advised to behave, especially in public, from hereon. If for any reason, the champions fail to live up to moral expectations, the first runner-up may be considered to take their position.

AWESOME. Check out this amazing video of the UP Pep Squad’s performance uploaded by a spectator on YouTube. Way way better than what you saw on television. Kudos!

The Ranking
Champion: UP Pep Squad
1st Runner-up: DLSU Animo Squad
2nd Runner-up: FEU Cheering Squad
Fourth: UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe
Fifth: Adamson Pep Squad
Sixth: NU Pep Squad
Seventh: Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion
Eight: UE Pep Squad

Have a great week ahead! Mabuhay UP Pep Squad!

ENGAGED

IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY yesterday, people were tweeting, “Almost ber months na naman!” Now, it’s already mid-September. That was really fast. The only thing faster was the whirlwind romance between Roman Romulo and Shalani Soledad!

Pasig City Representative Roman Romulo said, “Some may say it is too soon, but I think we’re both old enough to know want we want in life.” Take that Mr President!

Shalani Soledad and Roman Romulo are getting hitched. Shalani decided to marry Roman because the congressman loves her and he loves her God too.

When told of the upcoming wedding of his ex-girlfriend, Shalani Soledad, President Aquino reportedly said he’s not aware  of the engagement. Among other things.

But according to presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino was told of the engagement, he just smiled. Grace under pressure.

From a bachelor president to a bachelor congressman both from famous political families. Asked about the difference between President Aquino and Congressman Romulo, Shalani Soledad replied, “Seven years.”

Apparently, while President Aquino was drinking Coke Zero, Congressman Romulo was drinking Cheers!

Shalani Soledad, an ex-girlfriend of President Aquino is marrying another politician. To which Korina Sanchez and Bernadette Sembrano said, “Welcome to the club!”

Congressman Roman Romulo and Councilor Shalani Soledad are engaged. Just last week, Willie Revillame was celebrating his legal victory against ABS-CBN. And now this. You can’t really win ‘em all.

IN OTHER NEWS…
The latest Pulse Asia survey conducted from August 20 to September 2, 2011 showed President Aquino got a high approval rating of 77 percent. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus lovelife jokes.

Appointed
Former Muntinlupa Congressman Ruffy Biazon, a losing senatorial candidate of the Liberal Party has been officially appointed Customs Commissioner. Retired general Danilo Lim, another defeated senatorial bet of the Liberal Party was also appointed deputy commissioner for intelligence. Malacañang looks forward to completing the LP senatorial slate in government before Christmas.

Employment
According to the National Statistics Office, Cagayan Valley has the highest employment rate in the country. In second place is the Liberal Party.

Alvarez Leaves
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez, as promised has “resigned.” Alvarez is good at keeping promises but Lacierda is better at euphemisms.

Tagalog Twitter
Microblogging site Twitter is now available in Tagalog. You are advised to use this version if you’re not learned. Am I right James Soriano?

Smokin’ Lovers
A recent study revealed that smokers do not make better lovers. To which Shalani Soledad said, “Tell me something I didn’t know.”

Shamcey and Noy
Malacañang is reportedly planning a courtesy call for Miss Universe 2011 3rd runner-up Shamcey Supsup to meet President Aquino. Ingat!
———————————————————————————————-
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Quotes of the Week
“He doesn’t bring women to the house unless he is serious. The last time he introduced somebody to us was four years ago, Lisa Gokongwei.”
~ Agriculture Undersecretary Berna Romulo-Puyat on the engagement of her brother, Cong. Roman Romulo and Shalani Soledad

Ano raw?
“Ang nakakalungkot lang, 400 years ang UST pero 4th. Dapat siguro 1,000 years para 1st.”
– UST Growling Tigers coach Pido Jarencio after UST’s loss to ADMU in the semifinals of UAAP Season 74. UST finished the season in fourth place

You Have Spoken
Matapos barilin ng isang motorista ang isang traffic enforcer, pabor ba kayo sa mungkahing armasan ng baril ang mga traffic enforcers?
-OO. Kawawa din naman sila. 3.42%
-NO! Never! Mahirap na. Baka umabuso. Mas delikado. 88.03%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 8.55%

Elsewhere
Inday Varona: Did ‘Love My God’ answer cost Shamsey the crown?

Yahoo News: UP Junior Fighting Maroons… The Streak is Over

Personal
The UP Pep Squad shoots for back-to-back titles in the UAAP Cheerdance Competition on Saturday. Good luck guys! See you all there! Expect tough competition from FEU and UST.

Enjoy the rest of the week!
Spend wisely.
Stay healthy.
Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers.

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

MISS U

CONGRATULATIONS Shamcey Gurrea Supsup for winning 3rd runner-up in the 2011 Miss Universe pageant! We are extremely proud of you!

Let me also take this opportunity to congratulate the interpreters of the four other candidates who made it to the Top 5! Great job guys!

BREAKING NEWS: A resolution has been filed in the Senate seeking to investigate why the Philippines, after 38 successive years, has yet to win another Miss Universe title. Schedule of hearing to be announced soon.

On Twitter, the US Embassy in Manila congratulated Shamcey Supsup for placing 3rd runner-up in the Miss Universe pageant. Moments later though, Wikileaks intercepted classified direct Twitter messages from the US Embassy to Washington saying, “The Philippines’ representative to the Miss Universe pageant is not as strong as Miss USA or Miss Ukraine. Her signature tsunami walk is awful. Go Angola!”

Asked if Shamcey Supsup has a boyfriend, the spokesman of the Bb. Pilipinas Charities answered, “That’s like Wikileaks. We don’t comment on Shamcey’s social life.”

Fan votes (which had no bearing on the judging) were shown on TV screens during the live telecast. Miss Philippines placed second in the long gown competition. In last place was Moammar Gaddafi.

Special awards were handed out during the Miss Universe preliminaries. The Miss Photogenic trophy went to Miss Sweden. Named Miss Congeniality was Dyan Castillejo.

The representative from China placed fifth. The candidate from the Philippines placed fourth. Take that Hu Jintao!

Shamcey Supsup is the fourth most beautiful woman in the universe today. I wouldn’t be surprised if our bachelor president would use her as a punchline soon.

Filipinos glued on their TV screens rejoiced when the “beauty and brains” from General Santos City was announced 3rd runner-up! But something awkward happened after the announcement – Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson climbed on stage!

University of the Philippines alumna Shamcey Supsup placed fourth in the Miss Universe pageant in Brazil. That’s a final four finish for Shamcey. Take that La Salle Green Archers!

Organizers didn’t say how much were Miss Angola’s winnings. But experts believe it was definitely less than what ABS-CBN earned from the pageant’s delayed telecast.

Via her Twitter account, Miss Universe judge Lea Salonga revealed that she did not compose the question she asked eventual winner Leila Lopes of Angola. The Tony Award-winning actress said the questions for the five finalists were pre-written. And Mike Arroyo was like, “Don’t look at me!”

A black candidate has won the Miss Universe title. Rumors say Mar Roxas is protesting the results!

Is it just coincidence? A black woman won the Miss Universe title on the same day Jejomar Binay announced his plan to run for president in 2016!

In Other News
Vice President Jejomar Binay has announced his intention to seek the presidency in 2016. Asked why he’s running for president, Binay replied, “When I run, I run with God and He’s always with me. He never leaves me and He will shine the light on me.” Good answer!

This just in: Next year’s Miss Universe pageant will definitely be more competitive. Planets Mars, Venus, and Jupiter are reportedly sending candidates.
—————————————————————————————-
“It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.”
~ Frank O’Hara

Quote of the Week
“I’m going to file a protest if possible, if there’s any legal remedy because all the fan ratings rated Miss Philippines very, very high. I thought it will be at least a contest between her and Ms. Ukraine but it turns out neither one made the top two positions which shows that I’m better as a senator than as a beauty consultant.”
~A half-joking Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago expressing her disappointment at Shamcey Supsup’s fourth place finish

Overheard
“Kaya nanalo si Miss Angola kasi sa ABS-CBN ipinalabas ang Miss Universe. Lopes siya eh.” Toingkz!

Elsewhere
Entertainment Weekly: “The 2011 Miss Universe Pageant: 10 Awkward Utterances During Swimsuit Competition”

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Mabuhay tayong lahat! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

POPULAR

I KNOW, I know. It was a rather quiet week last week. Aside from the item on the punching congressman, there was only the news about a giant crocodile in Agusan. And we couldn’t even tell the difference. Boring!

PETA’s Appeal
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) urged authorities to return a captured giant crocodile to its natural habitat. But Bunawan, Agusan Del Sur Mayor Edwin Cox Elorde rejected the appeal saying the transfer of the crocodile from Mindanao to Batasang Pambansa would be stressful for the reptile.

Animal rights activitists say the giant crocodile captured in Agusan Del Sur should be freed. But authorities refused saying it could endanger the lives of ordinary people like security guards.

Local authorities believe that an estimated 5,000 crocodiles can be found in Agusan Marsh. Yup, 5 freakin’ thousand! Take that Batasan Marsh!

Marcos, 94
The 94th birth anniversary of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos was commemorated by loved ones Sunday, September 11. To mark the event, members of the Marcos family gathered Sunday at the Marcos’ mausoleum… otherwise known as ‘The House of Wax.’

Vice President Pacquiao
Contrary to his earlier announcement, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao said he wouldn’t be seeking the vice presidency in 2016. Thanks.

Binay on Twitter?
Vice President Jejomar Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado says the vice president doesn’t have a Twitter account. Neither he nor his men have time to tweet since they’re busy doing text blasts.

Miss Universe 2011
Shamcey Supsup, the country’s representative to the Miss Universe pageant in São Paulo, Brazil is among the frontrunners to win the title. She is so popular in Brazil right now. In fact, one unidentified candidate was so envious of the Filipina, she distributed copies of an alleged psychological report purportedly showing that Shamcey Supsup battled depression in college.

Shamcey Supsup is a frontrunner to win this year’s Miss Universe title. ABS-CBN has been supporting frontrunners two years in a row now.

The Miss Universe pageant will be held Tuesday morning (Manila time). In totally unrelated news, Fitness First, Slimmers World and Gold’s Gym will reportedly open at 1PM tomorrow instead of the usual 8AM. They didn’t say why.

Who’s the Daddy!?
Young actress Andi Eigenmann has identified the daddy of her baby. For a change, the father of another child soon to be born out of wedlock is neither Manny Pacquiao nor Bong Revilla.

Marooned
The UP Fighting Maroons ended its Season 74 run with a loss to UE. Finishing with a 2-12 slate, the State U failed yet again to make it to the Final 4. And it’s been a while since they did. In fact, the last time they advanced to the semifinals was in the same year that Frank Sinatra bagged a Grammy for Best New Artist.
———————————————————————————————
“The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.”
~Author Unknown

Personal
One of my Twitter followers called my attention to this kid named Jonas Cano of Leyte. He’s a talented kid with autism. Nakakabilib ang husay niya!

Have a great week! Stay safe and healthy!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

AYON SA MGA BITUIN (The Return)

MAGANDANG ARAW! Matagal-tagal na rin nating hindi naririnig ang mga saloobin, babala, pangitain, at hula ng mga bituin. Ngunit sa araw na ito, mapalad tayo dahil sila ay nagbabalik mula sa matagal na pagkakahimbing! Salamat sa maaliwalas na panahon. Kaya tara na, halina’t basahin ang nakaumang na kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan.

Paunawa: Ang mga ito ay batay lamang sa galaw ng mga tala. Kung ayaw maniwala, kontrahin. Sapagkat katulad ng walang sawa at paulit-ulit na paalala ni Aling Zenaida Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Ulitin mo. This time, basahin mo nang malakas: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Wow. Inulit nga.

Let’s begin.
Pangulong Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Dahil sa mga jokes mo, madadagdagan pa ang mga babaeng malili-link sa ‘yo. Pero hanggang do’n na lang ‘yon. Mananatiling punchline ang iyong lovelife.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Payuhan ang mga kaalyado mong ‘text brigade’ na limitahan ang pag-ti-text ng iyong accomplishments. Matagal pa ang eleksyon. Huwag atat.

Cong. Manny Pacquiao
Birth: December 17, 1978
Sign: Sagittarius
Katulad ng iyong pinapangarap, mananalo kang bise presidente sa 2016. Hindi mo na kailangang mangampanya. Halos tiyak na ang panalo mo bilang VP ng Homeowners Association. Congratulations!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Napapansin ng mga bituin na lumi-level up ang iyong katarayan kapag napag-uusapan ang babaeng ‘Rosebud’ ang pangalan. Kontrolin ang emosyon kung ayaw mong patuloy kang pagdudahan.

Cong. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman
Birth: No available info online
Sign: Malay ko!
Huwag mag-alala sakaling ma-suspend, ma-expel, o matapos man ang iyong termino bilang kongresista. May bright future ka sa boxing.
Iwasang magtungo sa Agusan Del Sur. Alam mo na! Mainit ang dugo nila sa mga bu…
Lucky Number: “Pucha! Ocho!”

Atty. Jose Miguel “Mike” Arroyo
Birth: June 27, 1946
Sign: Gemini
Dahil sa ‘di inaasahang salpukan ng mga bituin, may magaganap na aksidente. Mababagsakan ka ng second hand na chopper anytime next week. Isa lang ang posibleng makapigil sa malagim na pangyayaring ito! Umamin ka sa iyong mga pagkakasala sa masang Pilipino!

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Katabi ka ni Atty. Mike Arroyo kapag bumagsak ang second hand na chopper. Try mo na lang umilag. Good luck!

Former ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan
Birth: August 22, 1967
Sign: Leo
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-apply sa Witness Protection Program ng pamahalaan. Mapapahiya ka lamang. But all is not lost. Subukan mong mag-apply sa susunod na lifetime. Baka may chance.

Pasig RTC Judge Rolando Mislang
Birth: Ewan.
Sign: Hindi siya sikat.
Magandang kapalaran ang naghihintay sa ‘yo. Tatanggap ka ng malaking halaga kapalit ng kontrobersyal na desisyon pabor sa isang negosyanteng sinasabing nanloko sa Pag-IBIG Fund. Uy, balato naman jan! O kaya, burger! Burger! Burger!

Petron, Shell, Chevron, atbp.
Birth: It doesn’t matter.
Sign: Really bad.
Magpapatuloy ang inyong suwerte. Tiba-tiba pa rin kayo. Magsimba at magpasalamat dahil kahit sino yatang maupo sa Department of Energy, forever n’yo nang kakampi! Syet.

De La Salle Green Archers
Birth: 1986
Sign: Not good.
Congratulations! Pasok na pasok kayo sa “Final 4” – literal na “Final 4” ng UAAP Season 74. Ka-level n’yo na ang NU, UP at UE. Kung hindi magbabago ang alignment ng mga planeta, posibleng mapalitan ang inyong coach. Ipinapayong magbakasyon muna kayo habang nagdiriwang ang buong Ateneo. Ouch.

KC Concepcion
Birth: April 7, 1985
Sign: Aries
May hangganan ang pang-unawa. Walang mawawala kung itatanong mo sa iyong sarili: “Bakit ko ba pinasok ‘to?” Kapag nasagot mo ang tanong na ‘yan, makikita mo ang liwanag.

Palihim na Hula ng mga Bituin
No. 1: Isang popular na pulitiko ang masasangkot sa panibagong iskandalo. ‘Magbubunga’ ang kanyang pakikipaglaro ng apoy sa isang estudyante. May nakikitang “dilaw” at “berde” ang mga bituin sa babaeng sangkot sa usapin. Hanggang d’yan na lang muna ang mga clues. Careful ang mga bituin. Ayaw nilang ma-libel.

No. 2: Isang kakapanganak pa lamang na kabit ang posibleng sugurin ng asawa ng isang kilalang pulitiko. Ikinuwento kasi ng kabit na ito sa isang member ng media na ipinagpatayo siya ng bahay ng kanyang politician-lover sa subdibisyon kung saan nakatira ang orihinal na pamilya ni lalaki. Ang lakas lang ng loob niyang magkuwento. Sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez, “The nerd!”
————————————————————————————————–
“The signs of the zodiac are karmic patterns; the planets are the looms; the will is the weaver.”
~Author Unknown

In Brazil…
A teenager reportedly died after masturbating 48 times non-stop. Well, he had it cumming.

Elsewhere
Move.PH: PNoy’s Top Love Life Quips

Miss Philippines Shamcey Supsup gets nod of top pageant website

You Have Spoken
Matapos marinig ang dalawang panig, sino ang iyong pinapaniwalaan?
-Security guard Ricardo Bonayog 89.92%
-Lanao Del Sur Rep. Hussein Pangandaman 1.16%
-Korte na lang sana ang mag-decide 8.91%

Have a safe and happy weekend!

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CROCS

PEOPLE ARE STILL talking about the giant reptile caught in Agusan Del Sur last Saturday.  Experts say the crocodile measures 21 feet long & 3.5 feet wide, and weighs 1,075 kilos. Experts didn’t identify though the specific district where the crocodile lived.

Public viewing of the giant crocodile at a man-made lagoon in Agusan del Sur has been temporarily suspended to allow the animal to rest. Public viewing in Batasan Complex is still open though.

According to experts, the giant crocodile recently caught in Bunawan, Agusan Del Sur may have been roaming the waters since 1961. Or as a voters would call it, ‘trapo.’

Experts believe the giant crocodile captured in Agusan recently may have been roaming the waters since 1961. They are verifying reports that it was a three-termer reptile.

Bunawan, Mayor Edwin Elorde said, “Kailangan din nating protektahan ang buwaya dahil sabay tayong ginawa ng Panginoon. May proteksyon talaga siya sa batas.” To which Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman said, “True!”

Breaking News: The crocodile suspected of attacking residents in Agusan is filing a harassment suit against the hunter who captured it. The crocodile claims he was provoked by the hunter when the latter yelled, “Pucha, buwaya!”

This just in: The hunter, who was attacked by the crocodile will no longer file a complaint against the animal. The hunter withdrew his complaint because he feared for his and his family’s safety. The crocodile’s notorious relatives are still out there!

Not True: Agusan hunters categorically denied rumors that a Porsche Carerra was found near the area where the giant crocodile was captured. Tsismis lang.

The Punch
Sarangani Representative Manny Pacquiao is still the No. 1 pound-for-pound puncher in the world. The biggest gainer however, who is up by 100 notches to second place is Lanao del Sur Representative Mohammed Ali Pangandaman.

Reports say Floyd Mayweather Jr. is still hesitant to fight Manny Pacquiao next year. If the ongoing negotiations fail, Pacquiao is open to fighting Congressman Pangandaman.

Ayala Technohub security guard Ricardo Bonayog told the press he fell to the ground when Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman punched him twice last August 31. But Pangandaman denies mauling Bonayog saying he just slapped him with paper. One ream.

Deputy Speaker Erin Tañada says the incident involving Congressman Pangandaman “tarnishes the image of Congress.” Maybe what Erin wanted to say was, “further tarnishes.”

Reports say Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman floored security guard Ricardo Bonayog during an encounter last week. The report fueled speculations that Pangandaman drinks his own urine too.

Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman denied that he mauled a security guard at the Ayala Technohub in Quezon City last week. The solon says he is filing a harassment case against the security guard. Now, that’s harassment!

Security guard Ricardo Bonayog has withdrawn his complaint against Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman.The Pangandamans now boast an impressive record of 2 wins and 0 losses.

Lanao Del Sur Rep. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman allegedly punched and floored a security guard last August 31. The WBC, WBA, and IBF refused to award any belt to Pangandaman though saying they do not sanction fights between a heavyweight and a lightweight.

Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo is willing to facilitate a settlement between Ricardo Bonayog and Congressman Pangandaman. But House Speaker and Quezon City Rep. Feliciano Belmonte refuses to talk about a possible settlement – which is not really surprising since he could not even provide settlement for Quezon City squatters whose shanties were recently demolished.
—————————————————————————————————
“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.”
~Edmund Burke

Quote of the Weak
“Ang kalaban ko po malaking tao po. Ako po ordinaryong tao lang.”
~ Ayala Technohub security guard Ricardo Bonayog on his decision to withdraw the complaint against Lanao Del Sur Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman

“These were false accusations, I don’t know where they got this story to malign me!”
~Lanao Del Sur Rep. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman

You Have Spoken
Pabor ba kayo sa panukalang 4-day workweek ni QC Rep. Winston Castelo?
-Sure! Why not? We need a longer break. 37.2%
-No way! Marami nang holidays. Sayang ang oras. 44.93%
-Wala akong work. Walang epek sa akin ‘yan! 17.87%

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Personal
Good luck to Team Captain Miggy Maniego (playing his last game) and to the UP Fighting Maroons in their championship game against the UE Red Warriors on Saturday. UP and UE have identical 2-11 win-loss record. UP Fight!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

LEAKS

NEWSMAKERS were asked questions by ordinary readers through The Professional Heckler. I am happy to announce that those queries have all been answered.

Dear President Ramos,
Ayon sa inilabas na dokumento ng Wikileaks, tumanggap daw po kayo ng limang milyong piso mula sa pamahalaan ni Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi noong 1992 presidential elections. Totoo po ba ito?
Amelia of Bicol

Dear Amelia,
Nananahimik na ako. Nananahimik na rin si Gadhafi. Manahimik ka na rin! No comment.
Inis,
FVR

Dear former US Ambassador to Manila Kristie Kenney,
Tinawag n’yo raw pong mahiyain at unassertive ang noon ay presidential candidate pa lamang na si Noynoy Aquino. You were also quoted to have said that former President Cory Aquino had “weak leadership style” and that she’s “only a partial icon of morality.” Bakit n’yo po nasabi ito?
Mario of Zamboanga Sibugay

Dear Mario,
I want the Filipino people to know that I cried at Cory’s funeral. Just a minute, I have a phone call from Washington.
Sawasdee,
Kristie

Dear Ambassador Kristie Kenney,
Hindi n’yo po sinagot ang tanong ko. Tinawag n’yo bang lelembot-lembot si Pangulong Noynoy, at mahinang lider naman ang kanyang ina?
Mario

Dear Mario,
Unfortunately, my grasp of Tagalog is really bad. I cannot understand what you’re saying. Good night from Bangkok!
Kristie

Dear Fr. Raul Cabonce,
Ano po ang masasabi n’yo sa ibinibintang na rape sa inyo ng isang 17-year-old girl?
Miggy of QC

Dear Miggy,
Ako?!? Mangri-rape? Tingnan mo nga ako nang diretso anak, then sagutin mo ang tanong ko: ito bang mukhang ‘to ang manggagahasa ng menor de edad? Malabo!
God bless,
Fr. Raul

Dear Congresswoman Arroyo,
‘Musta na u ma’am? Headline po kayo ngayon sa diyaryo. Sabi po sa dokumentong inilabas ng Wikileaks, aware daw po kayo sa ilegal na aktibidades ng inyong asawa katulad ng smuggling at jueteng. Ano pong say n’yo?
Edwin of Tacloban City

Dear Edwin,
Kahit mashakit pa ang leeg ko, sashagutin ko pa rin ang tanong mo para matigil na kayo! Anong shabi sa Wikileaksh? Aware daw ako sa involvement ni Mike sa smuggling at jueteng? That’s a lie! Never naming napag-usapan ni Mike ang smuggling! Nunca!
Recovering,
CGMA

Honorable Rep. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman
First District, Lanao Del Sur
Dear Congressman,
Narinig ko po ang balita hinggil sa panununtok n’yo sa isang guwardiya sa Quezon City last August 31. Hindi raw kayo pumayag na inspeksyunin ng guwardiya ang luxury sports car n’yong Porsche Carrera. Bakit naman gano’n?
Mang Bogart

Dear Mang Bogart,
I’d like to reiterate what i INITIALLY told the media: I was home in Eastwood at the time of the alleged incident. Maraming congressman ang may Porsche. Hindi lang ako! Baka sila ‘yong tinutukoy sa blind item ni Dax Lucas ng Inquirer. ‘Wag kayong mapanghusga!
Congressman Pangandaman

Dear Congressman Pangandaman,
Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw! Nasaan ba talaga kayo nang mangyari ang insidente? Totoo bang sinuntok n’yo ang kawawang guwardiya? Kongresista pa naman kayo!
Mang Doy

Dear Mang Doy
‘Yun na nga eh. Kongresista ako! Kongresista!!! Sa tingin mo ba magagawa kong magmatigas at manuntok kung metro aide lang ako? Kongresista ako!!! Kongresista!!! Aaminin ko, I was there that night! Pero ‘wag kayong unfair! Naapi rin ako! Akmang bubunot ng baril ang guwardiya kaya ko siya sinampal. Magdedemanda ako ng harassment! Magdedemanda ako!
Congressman Pangandaman

Dear Congressman Pangandaman,
Pasingit lang po. Hindi ko na matiis eh. Na-harass ka pala, eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumuputak? Akala ko ba nasa Eastwood ka nang mangyari ang pananapak? Aaminin mo rin pala! Siguro si Michael Jordan ka!? Ang husay mong mag-360 eh! Pero bagsak daw ang guwardiya nang suntukin mo. So malamang si Juan Manuel Marquez ka! Ang taas ng ihi mo tsong! Akala mo kung sino ka! People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented! Magbago ka na!
Heckler

Dear Heckler,
Suntok, gusto mo?
Heckler

 

Dear Mr. President,
Totoo po bang si Iza Calzado ang latest na babaeng dini-date n’yo? Baka naman after a week, basted agad kayo?
Kinikilig,
United Leaders of Luzon (ULoL) Nueva Ecija Chapter

Dear United Leaders of Luzon,
Ulol! ‘Wag kasing kontrahin para ‘di malasin. Malalaman n’yo rin ang totoo. Sa ngayon, focus muna ako sa aking trabaho. Bagsak ang GDP growth rate eh; saka na ‘yang love love love na ‘yan. Kung ukol, bubukol. Si Mang Dolphy nga, 83 na bumubukol pa eh. Be patient.
Mr. President

Dear Ma’am Shalani,
Isa po ako sa dose-dosenang fans ng loveteam ninyo ni President Noy. Ikinalungkot ko po ang balitang nakikipag-date na kayo kay Congressman Roman Romulo ng Pasig City. Bakit siya pa?
Aling Filomena of Zambales

Dear Aling Filomena,
Marami pong salamat sa inyong suporta. Gano’n po talaga ang buhay. Kailangang mag-move on kapag natapos na ang isang relasyon. Ayaw n’yo po ba kay kongresista? Sige… mamili ka: Roman-Shalani o Shalani-Willie? ‘Di po ba mas scary ‘yong huli?
Honest lang,
Shalani

Dear Mr. Manoling,
Napanood n’yo na po ba ang ‘Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington?’ Bilang dating censors chief, ano po ang masasabi n’yo sa pelikula? Alin po ang mas nakakatawa: ‘yong ‘Zombadings’ o ‘yong ‘Dial M?’
Enchong

Dear Enchong,
Truedis Liit! Funny Serrano talaga ang Zombadings! Awaaard! Pero mas laughfang pa rin ako sa ‘Dial M!’ Kahit mas maraming utaw ang watchina ng Zombadings, wit ko pa rin ipagpapalit ang ‘Dial M’ – public service and gag show in one! Mas awaaard!
Winnnner!
Manoling

Dear James Soriano,
Kung talagang mahusay ka sa iyong ‘mother tongue,’ isalin mo nga ito sa English: “Ang kuwan ni James ay maliit!”
Bonifacio of Tondo

Dear Manong Bonifacio, Herr Bonifacio, or whatever,
Yuccck! I don’t use ‘kuwan’ in everyday conversations! ‘Kuwan’ is not even a word in my rich vocabulary. Only my Yaya Budang and our driver, Manong Apolonio use it. But since you’ve asked, that’s easy. In English, ‘kuwan’ is “whatchamacallit.” If the term is alien to you, maybe you’re not learned.
Eeew,
James

Dear Juan Manuel Marquez,
Hola! Cómo está usted señor? Huwaaaaaat???? Umiinom ka ng ihi mo? Eeew! Weird!
Dyan Salazar of QC

Dear Dyan,
Hola señora! Si! Umiinom ako ng ihi ko. Anong weird do’n? Mas eew kung iinumin ko ang ihi mo!
Adios,
JuanMa

Dear UP Fighting Maroons,
You were leading by 20 pero natalo pa rin kayo ng La Salle by one point???? Naknampoodle naman! Ganyang-ganyan din ang nangyari sa game n’yo against FEU! Ano bang nangyayari sa inyo?
Isko

Dear Isko,
Masyado kang pessimist. ‘Yan ang tinatawag na consistency. Wala n’yan ang ibang team.
UP Fight,
Maroons

Dear KC,
Bakit si Piolo pa? BAKIT!!!!
Maryjane of Baguio City

Dear Maryjane,
Judgmental ka! Get a life, you homophobic b*tch!
Hmpf!
KC
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“If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.”
~Kahlil Gibran

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Philippine universities drop in world rankings–report

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Biz Buzz: ‘Gadhafi’ in Technohub

The Huffington Post: Two Face 30 Years In Prison For Tweets

You Have Spoken
Here’s something personal. Kumusta naman ang lovelife mo?
-Regular 47.66%
-Light 11.72%
-Zero 40.63%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a great week!

IN

Investments
President Aquino is reportedly amazed at the very huge amount allocated by China to the Philippines. Unfortunately, nobody informed the President that it represents just half of China’s “downpayment” for our claim to the Spratlys.

Loveless
In a speech before the Filipino community in Beijing, President Aquino lamented that his lovelife has gone from regular to light to zero just like Coca-Cola. If the President was complaining about a basic human right, China’s not the right place to talk about it.

Lifted
Justice Secretary Leila de Lima lifted the watchlist order against Attorney Jose Miguel Arroyo last Thursday. This means that the former First Gentleman will no longer need to seek government permission when traveling outside the country – say, Algeria.
Terminated
Last Thursday, September 1, President Aquino announced that Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez’ last day in office will be on September 15. Too soon huh! Alvarez wasn’t complaining though since the media had already informed him of his termination way back in June.

Today is September 3, 2011. There are only 112 days until Christmas. For Commissioner Angelito Alvarez it’s “12 days before Good Friday.”

New LTFRB Chief
There is a new LTFRB chair – lawyer Jaime Jacob. He’s a member of the Liberal Party and he lost in last year’s elections. Or as President Aquino’s search committee would say, “just exactly what we’re looking for.”

Nereus Acosta has been appointed as acting general manager of the Laguna Lake Development Authority. Jaime Jacob is the new LTFRB chairman. Ruffy Biazon’s appointment to the Bureau of Customs is expected to be announced soon. Acosta, Jacob, and Biazon are all members of the Liberal Party who lost in the last elections. Observers describe them as loyal, hardworking, competent, and ‘political accommodations.’

Public Service Announcement

Ciara on RH Bill
Defending her father, Sen. Tito Sotto on his anti-Reproductive Health bill stance, starlet Ciara Sotto says, “Ang ipinaglalaban ni Daddy, huwag kayong mas marunong pa sa Diyos. I believe that God will not create a world na masyadong marami ‘yong mga tao.” Apparently, Ciara’s not aware of the existence of China.

Shalani’s New Guy?
President Aquino’s former girlfriend, Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly dating Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo. Meanwhile, Iza Calzado who recently broke up with model/businessman Atticus King reportedly dated President Aquino before the latter visited China. Standard and Poor’s has denied it was behind the double downgrade.

Urine
Mexican boxer Juan Manuel Marquez revealed that he drinks his urine. That’s nothing compared to former President Arroyo who eats her words.
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“Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”
~Ronald Reagan

You Have Spoken
Do you segregate garbage at home?
-Absolutely. Dapat lang naman ‘di ba? 43.46%
-No. Ang hirap gawin eh. 21.99%
-Minsan lang. Kapag sinisipag. 34.55%

Personal
Congratulations to Direk Floy Quintos and Prof. (tama ba ako Lallie?) Layeta Bucoy for winning yet again in the prestigious Palanca Awards for Literature.

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Have a great weekend!

NI HAO!

The President in China
IN BEIJING, President Aquino and Chinese President Hu Jintao witnessed the signing of nine cooperation agreements covering a range of issues from economic to cultural and friendly ties to gagging Edwin Lacierda if necessary.

Traditionally, both leaders would exchange gifts from their respective countries. But since President Aquino brought something from the Philippines, which was later discovered to be “Made in China,” they decided to skip that tradition.

During his meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao, President Aquino raised the issue of the Spratlys. And Edwin Lacierda raised his voice but was nonetheless pacified.

The two leaders’ discussion on the disputed islands lasted only five minutes – including the translation, and President Aquino’s coughing.

A memorandum of agreement on sports cooperation was also signed… with the Chinese government allowing the Philippines extended “use” of one of China’s own in international competitions – Chris Dy Tiu.

Reports say China-Philippines trade amounted to $27.7 billion in 2010, making China the country’s third largest trade partner. To which Joey Salceda said, “Chos!”

Filipino-Chinese businessmen are currently in Beijing with President Aquino. While in China, the President will trace the roots of his mother, Cory… while Lance Gokongwei will trace the roots of his sister Robina’s twin snake.

Chinese officials said they would tour the entire Philippine delegation to the Great Wall of China. When Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert Del Rosario heard this, he immediately thought of Emperor Shih Huang-ti. Businessman Lucio Tan recalled the reign of the Ming Dynasty. And President Aquino remembered those awesome scenes in “The Karate Kid 2.”

Lovelife
In a speech before the Filipino community in Beijing, President Aquino compared his lovelife to a brand of carbonated soft drink. He said, “Parang Coca Cola; noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.” No wonder, his sex life is so much like San Miguel. You know, Super Dry.

According to President Aquino, his lovelife is like Coca Cola. “Noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.” Never mind what other people would say Mr President. “Obey your thirst!”

Tabloid reports say it was a year ago in September when President Aquino and Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad split. If rumors are true, Shalani is organizing a party to celebrate the first anniversary of the break up.

In Other News…
President Aquino has named marketing and advertising executive Ramon Jimenez Jr. as new tourism secretary. Some sectors are keeping mum on his appointment until he unveils his tourism campaign slogan.

Overseas…
US President Obama has allocated financial aid for hurricane-ravaged counties in New Jersey. “Irene” was the worst disaster to hit New Jersey in recent years next only to Snooki.

Alaska=Cone
The PBA’s Alaska Milk has let go of head coach Tim Cone. Cone was quick to deny though his departure had something to do with the alleged missing 2000 containers of milk.
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“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”
~Will Rogers

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: How my sons lost their Tagalog, Sulat kay James Soriano

You Have Spoken
Sa artikulo ni James Soriano on the Filipino language…
-Opinyon n’ya ‘yon. Igalang natin. 28.37%
-Arogante! 55.81%
-Hindi ko pa nababasa. 15.81%

Enjoy the rest of the week! Merry Christmas!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.