“KADIRI”

The Vizconde Massacre Case
The NBI announced they found at least six new witnesses in the Vizconde massacre case. If the NBI was this eager in locating Panfilo Lacson last year, they would have found him six times.

According to the new witnesses, Hubert Webb was in the country when the Vizconde massacre took place. And in another breakthrough, the NBI claims the new witnesses are willing to testify that Hubert Webb was also in the country when Ninoy Aquino was assassinated.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima says the new witnesses have no reason or motive to fabricate their respective statements. For security reasons, she identified them as alias Pitong, alias George, alias Rey, alias Mario, alias Jerry and alias Jack… collectively known as alias NBI.

The NBI’s new batch of witnesses includes an electrician, a haircutter, a security guard, a shabu dealer, and two guys who played basketball with Hubert. Welcome to the new season of Survivor!

The National Bureau of Investigation said an alias Black Maria, and not state witness Jessica Alfaro might have been present when the Vizconde massacre took place. I wouldn’t be surprised if the NBI declares the massacre a hoax.

Word of the Day
Dry humor – noun: See “President Aquino”
Example: “… pagbaba ko po sa puwesto sa 2016, sana po’y nakapag-asawa na, babangon naman kayo sa isang Pilipinas na mas maunlad.

Humor
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda admits, “the President’s humor is dry.” Among other things.

Rumor
Reports say President Aquino was smitten with Filipino-Korean TV/radio host Grace Lee. The President believes Lee is his Seoul mate.

Bi-Noy
Vice President Jejomar Binay was quoted to have said that he didn’t want to compare himself with President Aquino saying, “we’re not comparing apple to apple.” Sige, let’s say apple to duhat. Puwede na ba ‘yon?

“Kadiri”
Novaliches Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani says same sex union is “kadiri.” Bacani believes marriage is sacred and should only be between a man and a woman. If she refuses, harass her!

Korina and Mar
Interviewed by entertainment editor Ricky Lo, broadcast journalist Korina Sanchez has denied persistent rumors that her marriage with incoming DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas is on the rocks. Let’s be fair people. Let’s get the side of Mar.

Davao Flooding
As of 3pm, Wednesday, 15 people have been reported dead while 10 others are still missing after flashfloods hit Davao City. Residents are blaming the heavy rains and the flooding for those deaths; which is rather uncommon. Usually, they blame the Davao Death Squad.

Sky Flakes
I love Sky Flakes. I can also act. Hey Rafael Santos, can I star in your next film?

Asked why he hired theater actors for his movies, short film director Rafael Santos said, “You can feed them Sky Flakes three meals a day, and I pay them in cat food basically.” Santos directed the 2011 Cinemalaya entry, ‘Samarito.’ He’s now working on his next project called ‘Ingrato.’

Short film director Rafael Santos says he prefers theater actors over mainstream artists because, “You can feed them Sky Flakes three meals a day, and I pay them in cat food basically.” If only for his brand of humor, I’d say Santos has a huge chance of becoming president someday.

Engaged
Vicki Belo and Hayden Kho are reportedly engaged. In fact, Kho just gave Vicki a ring. Take that LeBron James!

Reports say Hayden Kho proposed to Vicki Belo last year. There was this awkwardly tense moment though when Hayden popped the question. Vicki Belo got so excited, her cheeks moved.

And how did Hayden Kho propose? He waxed poetic!
—————————————————
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Quotes of the Weak
“Kaya pag inimbita ho ako sa Cebu, hindi ho talaga mahirap maimbita rito. Pati ang bisita nating si Miss Grace Lee, akala ko tuloy Pinay e. Hindi nga pala, Korean. Pero pati yung mga Korean na dumarating talagang gwapa lahat. Kailangan yatang buhayin ang Malacanang [sa] Sugbu. Baka dito na rin tayo magkatuluyan.”
~President Aquino during the KEPCO-SPC coal power plant inauguration in Cebu hosted by Grace Lee

“Sorry na lang, napapangitan ako talaga. Para sa akin kadiri! Lalaki sa lalaki, babae sa babae, mag-aasawa.”
~ Bishop Teodoro Bacani

“Excuse me, sweet kami ha. And the weirdest rumors pa, fight daw kami nang fight, nag-alsa balutan daw ako, may third party daw. None of the above. Wishful thinking lang ‘yan ng mga inggitera at kalaban ni Mar sa pulitika.”
~Broadcaster Korina Sanchez

“Personally, I find that theater actors are better to work with because they don’t complain. You can feed them Sky Flakes three meals a day, and I pay them in cat food basically. And they’re never late, and they cry when you want them to cry. Other actors kasi you have to hit them first.”
~ Short film director Rafael Santos on why he hires theater actors

[Theater actor Joel Trinidad reacts.]

Briefly Noted
Reporters, news anchors, government officials, and even lawyers must be told: “(Double) JEOPARDY” is not pronounced as ‘jaw-par-dee.’ It’s ‘je-pәr-dē’ or ‘je-pә(r)-dē’ (Merriam-Webster).

You Have Spoken
Ayon sa dating pangulong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, ‘leaderless’ daw ang gobyerno. Your take:
-Agree! 49.57%
-Shut up! 44.87%
-Wala akong pakialam. 5.56%

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Stay healthy! Live. Learn. Love. Laugh.

LET THERE BE LIGHT (2011)

ANOTHER DOSE of Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to blame the Arroyo administration for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, because there are at least three defective light bulbs that give him a headache.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll ask the Vice President to change it.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But first, he’ll do a public consultation to determine whether the light bulb should be changed or not.

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it, and four others to compose a special task force that will investigate why the old light bulb burnt out.

Q: How many Abigail Valtes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to defend the accomplishment – in case Cong. Mitos Magsaysay questions it.

Q: How many Attorney Edwin Lacierdas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter. What’s important is, at the end of the day, the old bulb is replaced.

Q: How many Cotabato City mayors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he won’t do it. Instead he’ll pass on the task to the national government.

Q: How many Filipino teachers and pupils does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One teacher to change it and 60 pupils to say, “Good work Miss De Los Reyes!”

Q: How many members of the defunct PAOCTF does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to give instructions, one to change it, one to shoot the old bulb, and one to destroy the evidence of the shooting.

Q: How many Merceditas Gutierrezes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: She won’t! There’s insufficient evidence that the light bulb needs to be changed.

Q: How many Ninoy and Cory loyalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and a million to chant, “Tama na! Pundido na! Palitan na!”

Q: How many Jose Rizals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But his books about darkness will inspire a secret society to change it.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Bakit ku gawin ‘yan? Nasa Buy-bul ba ‘yan?”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, maybe. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Samar & Balay members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why would he? He’s not afraid of the dark.

Q: How many UP students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and one to blog about the experience.

Q: How many Ateneo students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Yaya, can you make palit na the bumbilya sa sala?”

Q: How many La Salle students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How many Sharon Cunetas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to hold the ladder. Careful.

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Magkano dung?

Q: How many oil companies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Oil companies prefer screwing the public.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change, and another to tell the whole world about it.

And finally…
Q: How many Tulfos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Tarantado! Hindi namin trabaho ‘yan. Punyeta ka! Gago!”

In the News…
Of the five highest officials of the land, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted according to the latest Pulse Asia survey. Binay got an approval rating of 83 percent. The rest or 17 percent knew better.

GMA vs. Aquino
Administration allies slammed former president, and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for saying that the government was “leaderless.” I think Filipinos would get used to it though. After all, we survived nine years of a government that was shameless.
—————————————————————————
“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

Today is June 27th…
On this day in 2005, then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo admitted to calling a Comelec official (whom she did not identify) during the May 2004 presidential elections. She called it a “lapse in judgment” and apologized for it.

Separated At Birth?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson and his BFF, former police Senior Supt. Michael Ray Aquino.

Quote of the Weak
“Ito ay isang malinaw na insulto sa ating Civil Code at sa katuruan ng Simbahang Katolika! Kawawa naman ang mga taong ito! Wala nang kinikilalang Diyos! Wala na rin silang paggalang sa kanilang sarili! Dapat na matigil ang kahibangang ito! Ang mga nagpakasal at nagkasal ay mayroong mga problema sa pag-iisip.”
~Catholic Bishop Carlito Cenzon reacting to reports that pastors of the Metropolitan Community Church of Metro Baguio officiated the wedding of at least eight gay couples in Baguio City last June 25

You Have Spoken
Isang taon matapos maluklok sa puwesto, ano ang grado mo sa administrasyong Aquino?
-Great! Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan! 2.95%
-Very good! 5.9%
-Puwede na! 31.94%
-Bagsak! 59.21%

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Have a great week!

THE WHO

THIS IS Final Jeopardy! Our category: THE WHO!
Answer:
Hindi si Ricky Lo,
Hindi si Deo Macalma,
Marunong mag-blind item,
Gabinete iniintriga!

Who is… The President?
Siya na nga!

GUESS THE CURSE, RIDE A PORSCHE!
“Sa totoo lang ho, mayroon kasing mga ibang miyembro ng Gabinete – mga dalawa, tatlo – kada makita ko, kaagad iniisip ko, ‘Ano kayang bad news ang dala-dala nito?’ Pinipilit ko na lang po na harapin, dahil talagang, kako itong taong ito, talagang penitensya ko na yata sa mundong ito.”
~President Aquino

For a chance to ride the President’s Porsche, correctly identify the three Cabinet members. To join, just key in PENITENSYA (space) Answers separated by a slash (space) Your Name, Age, Address, Short message to the President, and Signature, and send to 1-908-1-INTRIGERO. Entries without signature will be considered invalid.
Example of a valid entry:
PENITENSYA De Lima/Robredo/Ochoa Kristeta Escudero, 45, Marikina City, ‘Bakit ba may gano’ng hirit pa? Kawawa naman ang mga opisyal na tinutukoy mo! Kung ayaw mo sa kanila, sana kinausap mo na lang. Nakakaloka ka!’ (Signature to follow)

Rules:
1: The contest is open to all Filipino (or former Filipino) citizens of all ages, sexual orientation, and political affiliation.
2: The President and the members of his Cabinet, and their relatives up to the second degree of consanguinity or affinity are disqualified from joining the contest.
3: Kept women (if any) of Cabinet members are allowed to join the contest provided that their illicit affair won’t be exposed to the public 30 days before and after the contest.
4. Winners shall be announced live by President Aquino himself after his State of the Nation Address on July 25, 2011. There will be a delayed telecast at NBN 4 on the same date at 9PM preempting the live lotto draw.
5:Three lucky texters will have the opportunity to ride the President’s Porsche for a day.
6:The decision of the board of judges may not be final and may be appealed to the Supreme Court.

Text na!

Inspired by the President, here are three additional blind items:
Item No. 1:
Miss Finland is a cousin of Mr. High-Ranking Government Official.
Miss Finland used to have a girlfriend, female celeb Denmark Somalia.
Miss Finland and Denmark Somalia have since called it quits.
These days, Denmark Somalia is going out with Mr. High-Ranking Government Official’s other cousin, a guy.
Denmark Somalia is a certified chickboy: puwede sa chick, puwede sa boy.

Item No. 2:
What do feisty broadcaster Thailand Rwanda, and high-ranking official, Aruba Poland have in common?
They were once linked to the same woman – local politician, Bulgaria!

Item No. 3: (Courtesy of Alvin Elchico of dzMM’s SRO)
Government official Panama has been spotted at least four times at President Tower condo located at Timog Avenue, Quezon City with sexy singer, Albania. All along, I thought Albania would end up marrying veteran singer Hungary. Hiwalay na pala sila? Nakakapagtaka naman.

Fight of the Weak
President Aquino vs. Cotabato City Mayor Japal Guiani
“Kahapon po yata meron akong miyembro ng Gabinete ko na may kausap na ama ng kanyang lungsod. At wala hong bukambibig iyong ama ng lungsod na ‘to na amin pong dinalaw kundi po puro reklamo. Ang kawani po ng kasundaluhan at kapulisan ang siyang tumitibag ng tinatawag na water hyacinths. Pagkakataon na ito may problema para mapagbuklod ang ating mga komunidad para may patunguhan. Awa ng diyos, mukhang mahina ang pandinig ng kagalang-galang natin na mayor sa lugar na ‘yun, wala po siyang napakinggan. Pagpalain na lang siya ng Diyos.”
~President Aquino on Cotabato City Mayor Japal Guiani

Photo of the Week (Courtesy of Myra Gravoso Ramirez)
Titles sent by my Twitter followers:
From @torchie82: Ang Bakya Mo Nonong
From @joyagustin: High Heels
From @EdenBrion: Chairnelas
From @macevangelista: Stoollettos

Can you think of other titles for this photo?

Enjoy your weekend! Ingat!

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OF WATER LILIES & CROCODILES

THE CITY OF COTABATO is still submerged in floodwaters. Apparently, clearing Rio Grande De Mindanao of up to 20 hectares of water lily growth wasn’t enough to control the flooding. People are now wondering: how can we rid the Spratlys of the Chinese when we couldn’t even rid our rivers of water lilies?

President Aquino visited Cotabato City Wednesday. He personally witnessed the threats posed by hectares and hectares of water hyacinth growth in Rio Grande De Mindanao. If the threat persists, the President will reportedly deploy  BRP Rajah Humabon to the mighty river.

LTO chief Virginia Torres has an unsolicited advice to solve the problem in Cotabato City: “take over the Rio Grande De Mindanao!”

But Albay Governor Joey Salceda has a more radical suggestion: “boycott all products from the river!”

Maguindanao Trial
The good news is NBN Channel 4 will air the live and non-stop coverage of the Maguindanao massacre trial. Even better news is… meron pa palang Channel 4!

Approval Rating
According to a study conducted by Pulse Asia, 7 out of 10 Filipinos approve of President Aquino’s performance. The other three were identified as Len, Liz, and Shalani.

Odd!
In Tanauan City, a poultry worker discovered  a newly-hatched chick with four feet. In another odd story, residents of Batasan Hills in Quezon City reported frequent sightings of crocodiles with two feet.

Meanwhile, the hunt is on for a crocodile that reportedly attacked and killed a 36-year-old man in Bataraza, Palawan Tuesday. Authorities are trying to determine the crocodile’s size, age, and district.

Speaking of crocodiles, former Pagcor chief… (sa ibang araw na nga lang.)

Philippines’ Wealthiest
In the annual Forbes list of richest Filipinos, GMA 7 executive Gilberto Duavit ranked 26th while Atty. Felipe Gozon was at No. 30. ABS-CBN’s Gabby Lopez was ranked 39th but he is confident of overtaking his GMA rivals in a separate survey to be conducted by Kantar (TNS) Media.

No to Necrophilia
Senators Manny Villar and Jinggoy Estrada have filed separate bills seeking to criminalize necrophilia – specifically, having sex with a corpse. The proposed measure has reportedly scared off prospective suitors of Madam Auring!
—————————————————————————–
“Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.”
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge, ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’

Quotes of the Weak
“Sa ngayon pag-iisipan natin, gusto ko lang makita personally, doon sa mga parating binabaha. Paalala ko lang, ise-celebrate pa lang namin ng first year ng aming administration.”
~President Aquino in a speech during his visit to Cotabato City Wednesday

“Dapat, whether 1 year or 6 months ka palang, iyung ganitong problema may immediate solution na.”
~Cotabato City Mayor Japal Guiani reacting to the president’s statement

Photo of the Weak
Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Kung ‘di siguro ako naging pangulo, baka nagta-target shooting ako sa oras na ito.”
B: “Napakalamig naman sa siyudad na ito. Kasing-lamig ng pakikitungo ng mayor nila sa akin.”
C: “Parang gusto kong kumanta. Hmm, teka… 1, 2, 3! Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng water lily? Nag-Pasko ka na ba sa gitna ng Rio Grande?”
D: “’Pag ‘di pa naman tumaas ang rating ko sa susunod na survey, ewan ko na lang.”

Elsewhere
Forbes Magazine: Henry Sy, 86 is richest Filipino

YouTube: Manny Pacquiao HP TouchPad with WebOS Commercial

Personal
From award-winning playwright, Layeta Bucoy:
Dramatic reading of ‘Hermano Puli’
July 9 (Sat) 6pm, CCP Conference Room
For inquiries, please call the CCP Dramatic Arts Division at 832-1125 locals 1606 to 1607, or visit the website at www.culturalcenter.gov.ph.

Have a safe weekend ahead!

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JUST MARRIED

SENATOR MIRIAM Defensor-Santiago and Atty. Narciso Santiago Jr. renewed their vows Saturday. Among the attendees were prominent and controversial politicians including Vice President Jejomar Binay, Ilocos Rep. Imelda Marcos, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, former president Joseph Estrada, and Senators Jinggoy Estrada, Bong Revilla, Antonio Trillanes IV, Pia & Alan Peter Cayetano, Loren Legarda, Miguel Zubiri, and Manny Villar.  Observers say there was ease in finding  these VIPs inside the Cathedral.  They were all seated in a row labeled: ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Aside from known political adversaries like President Aquino and Congresswoman Arroyo, and Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa and Mr. & Mrs. Mar Roxas, the ruby anniversary of Sen. Miriam and husband Jun also brought together business rivals; executives from competing broadcast networks, and publishers/owners of leading broadsheets. The event thus made Senator Santiago the frontrunner for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

In keeping with tradition, the Santiago couple invited Imelda Marcos, Heart Evangelista, Edgardo Angara, and Mar Roxas – something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago picked President Aquino as best man… fueling speculations it was a shotgun wedding.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Santiagos’ Renewal of Vows

No. 10: “I now pronounce you husband and strife.”

No. 9: “Hello Mr. Vice President! Finally, nakita rin kita in person. Thank you sa iyong Solomonic solution. Matutuwa si Ferdie. Don’t worry, ‘di ka pababayaan ng aking mga constituents sa 2016.”

No. 8: “Ay! Siya ba ‘yong mister?!? Akala ko, assistant ni Mr. Shooli sa ‘Mongolian Barbecue.’”

No. 7: “You’re so sexy in your gown. Sabay ba tayong uuwi mamaya?” | “Edong, not here, ok? Maraming tao. Behave!”

No. 6: “Hindi ko sisimulan ang misa hangga’t ‘di lumalabas ang mga pro-divorce na nasa loob ng cathedral, with the exception of Senator Santiago. Bibilang ako ng tatlo. Isa… ”

No. 5: “I’m warning you Mar. ‘Wag na ‘wag na ikaw ang unang babati sa Ochoa na ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo pag-uwi sa bahay!”

No. 4: “Senator Trillanes, hi! I don’t think we’ve been introduced. I am Manny Pangilinan. I’m pleased to meat, er meet you.”

No. 3: “O, nagulat kayo ‘no? Inisship n’yo, ‘di ako shishipot dahil naoshpital ako lassht week. Neck neck n’yo!”

No. 2: “Pare naman! ‘Wag mo nang kunin ang number! ‘Yong syota n’yan, beinte-dos anyos na Brazilian model. Ikaw, singkwenta’y uno na!”

And the top thing overheard at the Santiagos’ renewal of vows…

“Do you take this woman to be your awfully wedded wife?”
————————————————————————-
“Non-marriage now is apparently a fashion among young people. I think they’re missing out on something. It’s very nice to come home and obtain catharsis by scolding your husband if you do not scold anybody in your office.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Quote of the Weak
“Galit ang DENR sa nangyari na ‘yon. Puro plastic!”
~Ang live na reaksyon ng news anchor na si Noli De Castro sa TV Patrol (6/20/211) matapos iulat ni Jorge Cariño ang pagsasama-sama ng magkakalaban sa pulitika at negosyo sa ruby anniversary ng mag-asawang Miriam at Jun Santiago noong Linggo

In Other News…
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating dropped from “very good” to “good.” Bad.

Malacañang downplayed the latest drop in President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating. According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, “the level of dissatisfaction did not increase nationally.” It remained at 18 percent plus or minus shooting buddies.

You Have Spoken
Sa pagkakaugnay sa isa’t isa nina Kris Aquino and Sen. Chiz Escudero, your take:
- WALANG masama. Bagay naman sila. 7.22%
- UTANG na loob. Tigilan na ‘yang isyung ‘yan! 78.33%
- Hintayin na lang natin ang susunod na kabanata. 14.45%

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Mabuhay!

HEADLINE: JOSE RIZAL

IN COMMEMORATION of Dr. Jose Rizal’s 150th birth anniversary, I’m posting an updated version of a blog article originally published in 2009.

Top 10 Possible Headlines If Dr. Jose Rizal Were Still Alive

No. 10:
Jose Rizal posts new Twitter record;
Pinoy Methuselah overtakes Lady Gaga & Justin Bieber with 13 million followers

No. 9:
Pacquiao pays courtesy call on PH’s super senior statesman;
Rizal hails People’s Champ’s heroics, looks forward to bout vs. Floyd Jr.

No. 8:
10 million-strong Rizalistas confirm bloc voting plans in 2013;
Candidates expected to flock main headquarters of 150-year-old Supreme Leader

No. 7:
Rizal rejects 500-million peso offer to endorse Belo Medical Clinic

No. 6:
Hitler scion claims Rizal is his great, great, great grandfather;
seeks financial support from revered Filipino icon

No. 5:
Senate, House agree to conduct joint hearing on Rizal’s “immortality;”
Gerontologists, arbularyos, Church rep invited as resource persons

No. 4:
Who’s Who in politics, business, arts & culture expected to attend Rizal’s
150th birthday bash; CBCP rejects invitation

No. 3:
Divorce Bill/RH Bill advocates find ally in Jose Rizal;
Catholic Church threatens to excommunicate 150-year-old statesman

No. 2:
After Noli and Fili:
Rizal announces release of two new books on betrayal, abuse of power, and corruption;
“Merci” and “Glori” to hit bookstores Friday

And the No. 1 possible headline if Rizal were alive today…

President Aquino confirms break-up with latest gf;
Rizal gives unsolicited advice to PH leader: “Tigilan mo muna ‘yan. Magtrabaho ka na muna! Ok? Thx, bye!”
—————————————————————–
“One only dies once, and if one does not die well, a good opportunity is lost and will not present itself again.”
~Dr. Jose P. Rizal (Letter to Mariano Ponce – 1890)

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

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MEMOIRS, ATBP.

SENATOR PANFILO LACSON plans to write a book when he steps down from office in 2013. Perfect for those who want to kill time!

Sen. Ping Lacson is planning to write a book about his “colorful career” as a cop. But retelling those exploits won’t be easy. It’s torturous.

Reports say Senator Panfilo Lacson is planning to write a book. In it, he said, “sasabihin ko kung saan ako nagtago.” Is he writing a memoir, or coming out with an atlas?

Senator Panfilo Lacson says his book will “set the record straight.” He’s not.

Top 5 Rejected Titles for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s Book

No. 5: Around the World in 365 Days

No. 4: Ang Pumatay ng Dahil Sa ‘Yo

No. 3: The Strange Case of Dr. JeKill and Mr. Hide

No. 2: Bala at Lipstick

And the No. 1 rejected title for Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s book…

Memoirs of A Gay Sha

More Pork
Sen. Panfilo Lacson confirms senators and congressmen will receive additional pork barrel funds from the road users’ tax. Tuwid na daan, anyone?

GMA Sued, Hospitalized
A Protestant group has filed a P5.4-million civil suit against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the alleged killing and abduction of its members. The former president has yet to react on the suit although her cervical spine just did.

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was hospitalized due to severe pain in the neck area. The former president was diagnosed with cervical spondylotic radiculopathy C3-C6 secondary to degenerated discs and osteophytes with severe neural narrowing at C3 C4 C5 C6 left. In layman’s term, karma.

Bad Cops
PNP chief Director General Raul Bacalzo says 133 cops have been sacked for various offenses in the past six months. That’s 133 down; 2000 to go!

La Salle’s Centennial
De La Salle University celebrated its centennial Thursday. La Salle is now 100 years old. If DLSU were a politician, he would qualify for the post of Senate president.

La Salle is now 100 years old. Or as Sen. Loren Legarda would say, “promising.”

De La Salle Univeristy is now 100 years old. I bet it has a rich history.

Postscript to A Scandal
New York Rep. Anthony Weiner has stepped down. That was the hardest decision he’s ever made.

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner has just lost his seat in Congress. He’ll probably lose his wife too.

Cong. Anthony Weiner has just resigned. And Virginia Torres was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Second SONA
Preparations are reportedly underway for President Aquino’s second State of the Nation Address otherwise known as ‘Believe It Or Not.’

Spratlys Dispute
This just in: Amid tensions, China has sent one of its largest maritime patrol ships into the South China Sea. Unfazed, the Philippines is sending Albay Governor Joey Salceda. Bongga!
————————————————————————-
“Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.”
~David Ben-Gurion

From My Inbox
Is she really sick or not? You be the judge.

You Have Spoken
Have you dated someone na una mong nakilala sa social networking sites like Facebook, Friendster or Twitter?
- OO naman. Wala namang masamang makipagkaibigan, right? 16.23%
- WALA! Hindi ako gano’n ka-adventurous. 78.57%
- Secret. Walang clue. 5.19%

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Have a great weekend!

KRISSY/CHIZZY

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]

WEINERS, LOSERS

CONGRATULATIONS to the Dallas Mavericks – the 2010-2011 NBA world champions. Did you see the live telecast of the game Monday morning? When the final buzzer sounded, the Mavericks erupted in wild jubilation. One awkward moment though, during the celebration – Chavit Singson appeared, and joined Team Dallas inside the court.

Congratulations also to Dirk Nowitzki, the Finals MVP. During the post-game party, Paris Hilton showed up, introduced herself to Dirk, exchanged cellphone numbers with his wife, Jinkee Nowitzki and promised to visit Germany in three months.

The Weiner Saga
Reports say New York Rep. Anthony Weiner is seriously considering resignation. In case he decides to quit, a possible replacement would be his younger brother, Ryan Singson Weiner.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney says President Obama finds Cong. Anthony Weiner “a distraction.” Of course, Obama would have been more supportive of Weiner if they were shooting buddies.

Military Training
From June 28 to July 8, Philippine Navy vessels and US marine warships will participate in naval training exercises in the waters east of Palawan. It’s a joint undertaking between a country that China enjoys to bully, and the Philippines.

Not Again!
Jerzon Senador, a teenager from Calamba, Laguna has drawn the ire of animal lovers and animal rights activists after hanging his pet dog on a clothesline using clippers, and posting a photo of the wet puppy on Facebook. Senador has since apologized. His parents has dismissed rumors their son was an incoming physics major in UP Diliman.

Actor Stabbed
Actor-director Ricky Rivero was stabbed by a 22-year-old guy he invited to his apartment unit Sunday night. Rivero reportedly met the former NCAA volleyball varsity on Facebook five months ago. Immediately after the stabbing incident, Rivero changed his Facebook status from “In A Relationship” to “It’s Complicated.”

Makabagong Kasabihan
Modern sayings & proverbs inspired by some famous people in politics and government

Land Transportation Chief Virginia Torres
Magpakahaba-haba man ang suspensyon
Sa LTO pa rin ang tuloy.

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ang taong nagigipit
Nominado ang iniipit

Former Batangas Governor Tony Leviste
Habang bayad ang mga pusa
Naglalaro ang daga.

Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines
Nasa Diyos ang awa
Nasa obispo ang ngawa
Mahihirap ang kawawa.

Incoming DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas
Naghangad ng kagitna
Palasyo ang nawala.

Resigned DOTC Sec. Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus
If you can’t stand the heat,
quit the Cabinet.

Atty. Edwin Lacierda
Ang pumatol sa sira-ulo…
(Basta.)

Albay Gov. Joey Salceda
If you can’t beat them,
boycott them!

Albay Gov. Joey Salceda
Matalino man ang matsing,
(Basta! Matalino siya.)
————————————————————-
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
~C.S. Lewis

Confirmed!
“Meron! ‘Yong dalawang anak ko.”
~Sen. Chiz Escudero to dzMM anchors Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla when asked, “May nagpapatibok ba sa puso mo ngayon?” [SRO/ June 14, 2011]

You Have Spoken
Sang-ayon ba kayo sa panawagan ni Albay Gov. Joey Salceda na iboycott ang mga produktong gawa sa China?
- Oo! Hindi tayo dapat pa-bully sa mga Intsik na ‘yan! 52%
- Diplomasya, hindi boycott ang sagot sa problema natin with China. 46.67%
- Anong isyu ba? 1.33%

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Stay safe and happy!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Note: You may continue reading my posts on this site if you couldn’t access my new website. I’m still trying to fix it. Apologies for the inconvenience.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Here’s why according to local political figures and other personalities in government and society:

Former DoTC Chief Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus: “The chicken crossed the road for personal reasons.”

Former Batangas governor Tony Leviste: “It has an appointment with the dentist.”

Former BuCor Chief Ernesto Diokno: “Binalaan ko na nga ‘yan eh. Sabi ko, mag-ingat ka, baka masagasaan ka.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “At the end of the day, ang mahalaga ay ligtas siyang nakatawid.”

President Aquino: “Ibalato n’yo na lang sa chicken ang nalalabing konting privacy sa buhay n’ya.”

Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman: “The House minority will file a resolution. We’d like to investigate the alleged illegal activities of the chicken and its KKK – kalahi, kasabong, and katukaan.”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: “Sabi kasi sa Bible, go to the other side and multiply.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “I’m speechless. That’s my only comment. That’s a silly topic… maghanap na lang tayo ng ibang hayup na pag-uusapan.”

LTO chief Virginia Torres: “Pabalik na sa puwesto.”

Mar Roxas: “Hindi niya nahindian ang pakiusap ng tandang na magresponde. May sunog daw kasi sa frontlines.”

Justice Sec. Leila De Lima: “I will immediately form a special panel to investigate why the chicken crossed the road.”

PAGASA: “Batay sa satellite and surface data, ang manok ay namataan sa silangang bahagi ng bangketa. Ito ay may taglay na bilis na 3 miles per hour ngunit hindi pa masabi kung tatawid nga ito ng kalsada. Abangan ang susunod na bulletin mamayang alas-onse ng gabi.”

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Leave the chicken alone!”

Sen. Gringo Honasan: “Maging manok ka muna then, let’s talk.”

Former Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez: “Hindi natin puwedeng sabihing tumawid nga ang manok dahil mahina naman talaga ang mga ebidensya!”

Dr. Margie Holmes: “Unang-una, dapat muna nating alamin kung inahin o tandang ang manok na ‘yan. Kung ito ay inahin, posibleng nakaramdam siya ng libog nang matanaw niya sa kabilang bahagi ng kalye ang isang tandang.”

UP physics major Carlo Candare: “I pulled it on its tail and threw it. Then like some pro wrestler I jumped on it and my feet landed on its torso. Slam! Felt good! But the chicken didn’t die, well not yet.”

ABS-CBN Chairman Gabby Lopez: “Chickens come and go. But the road stays.”

GMA NewsTV: “Para oras-oras, mangitlog.”

Zenaida Seva: “Hindi hawak ng mga kalye ang kapalaran ng manok. Gabay lamang sila. Meron itong free will, ginamit niya ito.”

And finally…
Former Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel: “The chicken’s role for me is so important. Becoz, they’re was, they was the one… whoooose…. very… Ahaha Oh I’m so sorry. The chicken… the chicken… oh my god! I’m so sorry, I told you the chicken is so confident. Eto, ahm, wait! Ahahahaha! Sorry guys because it’s the first time the chicken cross the road. Because the chicken is only 17 weeks old. And, haha, I did not expect that the chicken came from… came from one of the tough hen. Soooo. But I said… dot… the chicken is one of the most important bird in my life. Thank you.”

Independence Day
Today, the whole country is celebrating Independence Day. Or as China would say, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Reports say Chinese Ambassador to the Philippines Liu Jianchao greeted President Aquino in Malacanang on the occasion of the country’s 113th Independence Day. Liu also thanked Aquino for being a hardworking leader of “a Chinese territory.”

Salceda’s Suggestion
In retaliation to Beijing’s “bullying” amid reported repeated intrusions of Chinese vessels in Spratly Islands and the West Philippine Sea, Albay Governor Joey Salceda has called for a boycott of all “Made in China” products. China described Salceda’s call as “an act of treason.”

World’s Shortest
The Guinness World Records has declared 18-year-old Junrey Balawing of Zamboanga Del Norte as the world’s shortest adult man. Balawing’s parents couldn’t say why Junrey just stopped growing although Malacañang believes that the previous administration may have something to do with it.

A Filipino – yup, a Filipino, has been declared the world’s shortest adult man. Take that China!
————————————————————
“Halina’t sumayaw sa ilalim ng araw
Maghawak-hawak ng kamay
Isigaw nang sabay-sabay
Kapayapaan, kapayapaan.”
~Tropical Depression, ‘Kapayapaan’

You Have Spoken
Nagbanta raw ng riot ang mga gang sa Bilibid kaya ipinagpaliban ang pag-dismantle sa motel-like kubol sa NBP. Your take:
- Tamang desisyon. Iwas gulo. 5.68%
- Simpleng-simple: Labag sa batas ang kubol, dismantle them! 86.93%
- Ano ‘yong isyu? Hindi ko nabasa. 7.39%

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Who will be the next Ombudsman?

ABS-CBN: Lovers’ quarrel? PNoy cold-shoulders Juana Change

Personal
Try to catch “SRO: Suhestyon, Reaksyon at Opinyon,” the fearless, revealing, and sometimes, intriguing but otherwise entertaining program on dzMM hosted by Ms Lynda Jumilla and Alvin Elchico. It’s been my (almost) nightly habit right after 24Oras and TV Patrol.

Happy Independence Day! Have a great week ahead!

BULLY

Weather Update
Isang bagyo ang namataang pabalik-balik sa Philippine area of responsibility. Namonitor ito sa timog, timog silangan ng Quirino Atoll sa West Philippine Sea. Kapag tuluyang pumasok sa bansa, ito ay tatawaging Bully. Si Bagyong Bully ay may international code name na China.

Si China ay may taglay na lakas na 290,000 active personnel at reserved personnel na umaabot sa bilang na 1,675,000 malapit sa gitna. Naninindigan si China na pag-aari niyang lahat ang mga islang kanyang tinatahak.

Nauna rito, naobserbahan din ang galaw ni China sa Reed Bank, 80 nautical miles mula sa kalupaan ng Pilipinas.

Kung magpapatuloy ang galaw ng bagyo ay magkakaroon ng manaka-nakang kulog at kidlat ng protesta. Ang temperatura ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng mainit at malamig na pakikitungo kay China.

Ang mga Pilipinong sundalo na nasa mga islang tinatahak ng bagyo ay pinapayuhang mag-ingat.

And for our final word this week:
“Ang tubig na tahimik ay malalim;
ang tubig na maingay,
may Intsik na naghuhukay.”

In It to Own It!
The Chinese government owns the Spratlys. Chinese businessmen ‘own’ Taal Lake. And the Chinese drug lords ‘own’ the Bureau of Corrections. Happy Independence Day everyone!

Kubols
Reports say the Department of Justice has deferred the dismantling of motel-like “kubols” inside the maximum-security compound of the New Bilibid Prisons. The report thrilled rich Chinese drug lords in Bilibid who earlier threatened to file a diplomatic protest if the DOJ pushed through with its plan.

From Weiner to Loser
New York Rep. Anthony Weiner admits he has been tweeting lewd photos of himself to women. In totally unrelated news, President Aquino’s speechwriter Mai Mislang has re-activated her Twitter account.

Congressman Anthony Weiner appeared on television earlier this week and apologized for his lapse in judgement.

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner admitted to lying about sending lewd pictures to women, and then, apologized. But Weiner still refuses to step down despite the withdrawal of support by the Hyatt 10.

Did you see the televised apology of New York Rep. Anthony Weiner after admitting that he had been sexting women? He appeared distressed, worried and sincere – doing exactly what Lupita Kashiwahara instructed him to do.

This just in: Cong. Anthony Weiner has expressed concern over the PLDT-Digitel merger. He can’t afford to lose SunCell’s unlitext.

Rare Finds
American and Filipino researchers have found 75 new and rare species of animals in the Philippines including laughing cicadas. A species of lawmaking crocodiles was also discovered but was later re-classified as common.

Governor Gone Wild
Did you know what happened in a local radio station in Kalinga province? A hard-hitting anchor was hit hard by the governor.

The governor of Kalinga confronted radio anchor Jerome Tabanganay and allegedly hit him with a microphone. The governor was identified as Jocel Baac more popularly known as >Divina Valencia.

Pacman & Paris
Interviewed on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Paris Hilton said she wanted to record a song with Manny Pacquiao. It will be a duet between a famous, filthy rich flirt, and Paris Hilton.

KC and Piolo
Tabloid reports say actor Piolo Pascual and tv host/actress KC Concepcion have called it quits. In all fairness to KC and Piolo, there were several people in showbiz who believed in their romance namely, both of them.
————————————————————————-
“No matter how hard we might wish, we will not be able to transform China’s behavior overnight.”
~Madeleine Albright

Quote of the Weak
“Hindi ako agree sa divorce. Nasa Bibliya na bawal iano yung nasubo mo na, iluwa. Bawal mong iluwa yung nasubo mo na. Napakalaking kasalanan din ‘yon.”
~Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao on divorce

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong Samar Group ang dahilan kung bakit DoTC at hindi Presidential Chief of Staff post ang ibinigay kay Mar Roxas?
- Walang duda! Sila ang may pakana! 56.36%
- Katulad ng sabi ng Pangulo, espekulasyon lang ‘yan! 13.64%
- Abangan na lang natin. 30%

Have a safe and happy weekend!

MR. RO-ROxas

Secretary Mar
Defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas has been appointed DoTC secretary. Roxas was reportedly the unanimous choice – of the members of the Samar Group.

Former senator Mar Roxas has finally accepted the top post in the DoTC. Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa is throwing a victory party.

Mar Roxas will no longer be appointed presidential chief of staff. Jojo Binay’s winning streak continues.

Before he was named DoTC secretary, Mar Roxas was supposed to be appointed presidential chief of staff. It was a choice between a vacant post and an imaginary one.

Following his appointment, incoming DoTC secretary Mar Roxas said he’s picked a theme song, “Trains and Boats and Planes” by Dionne Warwick. Meanwhile, his subordinate in the LTO – Virginia Torres has also chosen her theme song, “Babalik Ka Rin.”

Reports say President Aquino and Mar Roxas had a heart-to-heart talk lasting three long hours Monday night. The meeting would have not lasted that long if it was a mind-to-heart talk.

Reports say President Aquino had a heart-to-heart talk with Mar Roxas Monday night. After three long hours, he accepted his offer – the first time in more than a year that someone actually said “yes” to the President.

The following tweets were intercepted minutes after President Aquino announced the appointment of former senator Mar Roxas:

MrPalengke
Mula Presidente to VP to Chief of Staff to DoTC? Hanggang kailan ako magpaparaya?
11 minutes ago

RatedK
@MrPalengke Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Maghanap ka ng katabi mo tonight!
7 minutes ago

TheRealNoynoy
@MrPalengke What’s with the tweet? We’ve talked about this right?
7 minutes ago

SayChiz
Binabati ko ang bagong kalihim. Ipinapangako ko pong bibilisan namin sa Commission on Appointments ang pagkumpirma sa kanya. (Baka magbago pa ang isip n’ya, mahirap na!)
6 minutes ago

DeQuiros_Inq
A very bad choice. For several reasons. (Watch out for my column on this subject tomorrow.)
5 minutes ago

Official_Samar
Congratulations team! To 2016 and beyond!
3 minutes ago

Jojo_Ocho_Ocho
Inuman naaaaa!
2 minutes ago

Rambotito_B
@Official_Samar @Jojo_Ocho_Ocho Uy! Hintayin n’yo muna akong makauwi. Sama ako d’yan!
2 minutes ago

Official_Balay
May araw din kayo!
1 minute ago

OnTheVerge_Torres_LTO
@MrPalengke eow powz! paramdam lang. zee you zoon zir!
30 seconds ago

MommyD
@ Jojo_Ocho_Ocho Malaswaaaaa!
20 seconds ago

Breaking News!
There’s an emerging player in the real estate industry. The Bureau of Corrections!

ARMM Elections
Voting 13-7, the Senate has approved a bill postponing this year’s ARMM elections to 2013. Incumbent officials will be replaced though by officers-in-charge to be appointed by Malacañang. President Aquino is expected to hold a jobs fair in August for qualified Liberal Party members only.

The Senate & the Lower House have voted to postpone the ARMM elections. Disappointed with the outcome of the voting, socialite Tingting Cojuangco has left for Tunisia where elections are expected to happen soon.

Overseas…
New York Representative Anthony Weiner finally admitted that he sent a lewd photo of his underwear-clad crotch to a young woman over Twitter. But Weiner says he will not resign… although he is close to accepting an offer to become the next IMF chief.

Despite admitting that he lied about sending lewd pictures to women, New York Rep. Anthony Weiner refuses to resign. The embattled solon is prepared to face all the charges that may be leveled against him. That’s according to his spokesperson, Elena Bautista-Horn.
————————————————————
“Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate’er it touches.”
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

You Have Spoken
Full military honors para sa dating pangulo at diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Your take:
- Puwede na ‘yon. 30.08%
- Insulto pa rin sa mga biktima ng Martial Law. 61.65%
- Wala akong pakialam. 8.27%

Elsewhere
Manila Times: Why Ping de Jesus was sacked, the inside story

Newsbreak: Our Beijing envoy

What the Fox! Fox News uses Tina Fey picture for Sarah Palin story

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

NAGPAPATROL, 24 ORAS

SA UNANG PAGKAKATAON sa kasaysayan ng telebisyon, sumasainyo ang programang hatid ng pinagsanib na puwersa ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs at GMA News and Public Affairs.

Live mula sa panulukan ng dalawang kalsadang hindi namin puwedeng pangalanan, “Nagpapatrol… 24 Oras!”

Kabayan: Magandang gabi bayan!
Mike: Ekskyus me pow Kabayan! Parang ako yata ang dapat mag-introw ng show na itow!
Korina: No Mike, mas nauuna talaga kaming pumasok. Sa sobrang haba ng OBB n’yo, nasa first item na kami, headlines pa lang kayo.
Mel Tiangco: Nakow huh! Aba’y nakatutok pala talaga kayo sa programa namin ‘noh? Pati haba ng opening namin alam na alam mo! Pambihira!
Ted: Ehem. Humahaba na po ang diskusyon. We are on live TV. Simulan na natin. Ako si Ted Failon… ngayon!

Kabayan: Sa detalye ng mga nagbabagang balita! Tinanggihan ni dating senador Mar Roxas ang alok ni Pangulong Aquino na maging kalihim ng Department of Transportation and Communications kapalit ng nagbitiw na si Secretary Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Nagpapatrol… si alVEEEN Elchico!
Alvin: Kabayan, nag-anunsyo na naman ng piso kada-litrong pagtataas sa presyo ng gasolina ang tatlong higanteng kompanya ng…

[Nawala sa screen si Alvin, nag-black ang screen then umapir ang logo ng "Nagpapatrol... 24Oras"]

Kabayan: A-che-che! Nagkamali ako ng tinawag na reporter. Pasensya na alVEEEn! Mabuti pa, kausapin na lang natin nang live si dating senador Mar Roxas. Magandang gabi Senator!

MarRoxas: Magandang gabi naman sa ‘yo Kabayan at sa mga tagapanood n’yo. At higit sa lahat, good evening sa misis kong nariyan sa studio. Kung ‘di dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makukumbinsing magpa-interview ngayon. Alam mo na!

Kabayan: Totoo bang tinanggihan mo ang alok ng Pangulo na maging DoTC secretary?
MarRoxas: Alam mo kabayan, kahit kailan naman, hindi ako nagsalita tungkol sa kahit anong offers o non-offer. Basta ako, I will serve for the pleasure of the president. Basta’t ikakaligaya niya, pagseserbisyuhan ko siya.

Kabayan: Sabi ni Secretary Ochoa, patuloy na dini-define ang iyong functions as presidential chief of staff…
MarRoxas: ‘Yon nga ang ‘di ko maintindihan Kabayan. Isang buwan nang dini-define ni Ochoa ‘yan pero Hunyo na, wala pa ring linaw. Kung gugustuhin niyang matapos ang pag-define, maraming paraan. Pero kung ayaw, talagang matatagalan. Inip na nga ako eh.

Kabayan: Anong reaksyon mo sa pahayag ni Sen. Chiz Escudero na mas makakabuting sa DoTC ka?
MarRoxas: Mas makakabuting manahimik siya! Hindi ko kailangan ang advice n’ya.
Kabayan: Kasi raw, according to Chiz, kapag nasa palasyo ka at kasama ni Ochoa, baka magkagulo pa…
MarRoxas: Ayusin n’ya muna ang gulo sa buhay n’ya!
Kabayan: Huling tanong na lang senador… wala pa ba kayong balak magkaroon ng baby ni Ate Koring?
MarRoxas: Saka na ‘yan Kabayan kapag defined na ang functions ko bilang asawa niya.
Kabayan: Maraming salamat dating senador Mar Roxas. Korina…

[Title Card: Marcos Burial]

Korina: Sa ibang balita… full military honors para sa libing ng pinatalsik na diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos! Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino ni Vice President Je… achooo! Pasensya na po, sinisipon ako. Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino period! Ayon sa nabuong report ni Vice Presid… achooo! Grabe na talaga ang sipon ko. Sorry. Ayon sa nabuong report, bibigyan ng full military honors ang dating pangulo ngunit ang interment service ay isasagawa hindi sa Libingan ng mga Bayani kundi sa Ilocos Norte. Kaugnay ng balitang ‘yan, makakausap natin si Vice Presi… achooooooooooooo! May makakausap po tayo, period. Nasa linya na raw yata siya. I’m not sure. Hi!
Vice President Binay: Magandang gabi Korina. Salamat sa pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.
Korina: Ahm, parang may technical problems po tayo. Wala akong marinig.
Vice President Binay: Kung hindi mo marinig, ipapaliwanag ko na lang sa mga nanonood. Alam n’yo mga kababayan…
Korina: Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo pero napakasama talaga ng signal natin. Susubukan po naming maibalik…
Vice President Binay: Hindi ako nawala. Narito ako Korina.
Korina: Basta, we’ll try to call again. Narito muna si Mike…

[Title Card: Ronda Alerto Patrol 24!]

Mike: Huling-huwli ang SUV ng aktowr na si Richard Gutierrez na nag-ow-owverspeed sa kahabaan ng Cowmmonwealth Avenyow na kilala rin sa tawag na killer highway sa Quezown City. May live na owlat mula sa tanggapn ng MMDA si Michael Fajatin. Michael?
Michael: Mike, pasado alas-otso nang umaga nang hulihin ng MMDA ang driver ng sasakyan ni Richard Gutierrez. Ngunit… ahm, matapos ang ilang negosasyon, ito’y matapos na, tinicketan siya, tinicketan siya Mike, pagkatapos nito, hindi na sila nag-away, nag-away sila sa simula, pagkatapos nito’y nagkaroon sila ng ahhh, pag-aaway sa simula.
Mike: Klarowng-klarow ang repowrt mo Michael. Pero anow ‘towng nabalitaan naming sumugod daw diyan ang ina ni Richard. Bakit?
(Commotion)
Annabelle: Akin na ‘yang mikrupunu mu dung! At ‘yung kamiraman dung. Tutuk mu sa akin ang kamira dung! Hillu! Hillu! Si Mike Inrikiz ba ‘tu?
Mike: Mga Kapusow, live pow mula sa MMDA, si Ms Annabelle Rama!
Annabelle: Hay naku dung! Walang alam si Rechard! Inusinti ang anak ku dung! Natotolog siya sa kutsi nang paliparen ng driver niya dung!

Mike: Teka lang, nasaan ba si Richard? Bakit kayo ang nagpapaliwanag?
Annabelle: May teyping ng Captin Barbill ang anak ku! ‘Di puwiding abalahin! Basta! ‘Yung driver niya ang bubu dung! Idadamay pa niya ang anak ku! Nag-highblood tuloy ang dugo ko dung.
Mike: May mensahe ka ba sa MMDA enfowrcer na humuli sa driver ng anak mow?
Annabelle: Basta ang anak ku, walang kasalanan! He was the victims here! Wala akong message sa MMDA dung! Piro may minsahi lang ako dun sa maliit na batang si Xyriel Manabat dung! Huuuuuy! Hende ka pa man sekat day! Sinwirti ka lang sa 100 Gays to Hivin day! Piro, mas sekat pa rin ang anak kung si Rechard day! ‘Yun lang dung! Ibalek ku na dong ang mikrupunu at kamira kay Michael Pahada.
Michael: Fajatin po Tita.
Annabelle: Huwag mu kung tawaging Tita dung! Hindi kita pamangkin!
Mike: Maraming salamat Michael Fajatin… live mula sa MMDA sa Lungsod ng Makati.

[Title Card: Suma-Survey!]

Ted: Bago ko ibigay ang Suma-Survey question ngayong gabi, ‘wag kalimutan ang tampok sa aking programang “Failon: Now Na!” – ang inirereklamong mga fish cages diyan sa Talisay, Batangas. Akalain n’yo yun! Hindi pala mga Pinoy ang owner ng daan-daang illegal fish cages diyan sa Taal Lake kundi mga Chinese nationals! Plano nga raw ng mga residente ng Talisay na mag-file ng diplomatic protest sa China na inaakusahan nila ng territorial incursion. Pangamba ng mga residente, baka bukas o makalawa ay angkinin na rin ng mga Intsik ang lawa!

May exclusive interview din tayo sa isang bangus na himalang nakaligtas sa fish kill. Talaga naman pong makapanindig-balahibo ang kaniyang mga rebelasyon. Sa maniwala kayo’t sa hindi, ibinunyag ng nakaligtas na bangus na nagsasalita raw hindi ng Tagalog, kundi Mandarin ang isang grupo ng fingerlings sa pinanggalingan niyang fish cage! Malaking isyu ito kapag nagkataon! Kaya’t huwag na huwag n’yong palalampasin bukas nang hapon ang “Failon: Now Na!”

Buweno, narito na ang survey question natin ngayong gabi! Sa inyong palagay, magkakaasawa kaya ang pangulo bago matapos ang kanyang termino?
A. Wish Ko Lang!
B. Depende sa gusto ni Kris.
C. Thank you for that wonderful question Sir. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Las Vegas!
D. ‘Yong malaswaaa! Ang gusto kong pakialaman n’yo ‘yong malaswaaa!

To vote, type: Matanda (space) Binata (space) Your Answer (space) Address (space) Signature, and send to 23666 for all networks. Kapag walang signature, hindi bibilangin ang boto. Samantala, narito naman si Tita Mel…

[Title Card: Sagip Kapusong Totoo]

Mel Tiangco: Thank you Ted. Gumuguwapo ka yata ‘no huh? Kahapon ay dumulog sa tanggapan ng GMA Kapuso Foundation ang isang beinte anyos na babaeng itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Rosario. Medyo kakaiba ang problema ng Kapuso nating ito ano po. At upang higit nating maunawaan ang kanyang pinagdadaanan, minabuti nating kausapin nang live ngayong gabi si Rosario. Paalala lamang sa mga viewers, medyo maselan po ang isyung ating tatalakayin kaya’t ipinapayo namin sa mga magulang na gabayan ang inyong mga anak sa panonood. Magandang gabi Rosario…

Rosario: Good evening naman po Tita Mel.
Mel: Ikaw na ang magkwento iha. Ano ba ang problema mo at paano ka namin matutulungan?
Rosario: Kapapanganak ko lang po last March Tita Mel. Two months old po ‘yong baby ko last May 30. Gusto po ng ama ng baby ko na sundan kaagad ito.
Mel: Pambihira naman pala ‘no! Matanong ko lang, nasaan ba ang ama ng baby mo?
Rosario: Busy po eh. May misa.
Mel: Ano?
Rosario: Pari po ang ama ng baby ko.
Mel: Por diyos por santo! Pari ang ama ng baby mo?!? Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Bakit po? Anong nakakagulat do’n Tita Mel? Matagal nang uso ‘yon. Heller!
Mel: ‘Tapos gusto na namang masundan??? Pambihira!
Rosario: ‘Yon po ang problema ko Tita. Anti-RH bill po siya. Tuwing magtatalik kami, ayaw n’yang gumamit ng condom. Wala daw po sa Bible ‘yon!
Mel: Pambihira ‘no?! Mahirap nga ‘yang pinasok mo iha. Masyadong personal ang iyong problema! Anong tulong ang kailangan mo sa aming istasyon?
Rosario: Blackmail po.
Mel: Blackmail? Pambihira! Anong blackmail?
Rosario: Ganito po ‘yon Tita Mel. (To camera) Babe! Ayaw kong gawin ‘to… dahil, in fairness, mahal naman kita! Pero mapilit ka eh. Kapag ‘di ka pa nag-condom mamayang gabi, mapipilitan akong ibunyag ang pangalan mo at ang parokyang pinaglilingkuran mo! ‘Yon lang!
Mel: Aba’y maganda nga ‘yang naisip mo iha! Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Salamat po sa tulong Tita Mel.

[Title Card: Star Chika Minute Patrol]

GretchenF: Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya, narito na ang ating balitang showbiz…
Pia G: Chikaaaaa Minute! Mga Kapuso, tutukan n’yo ang mainit na panayam ni Nelson Canlas kay…
GretchenF: Teka lang! Nauna akong pumasok dito ah!
Pia G: Paanong ‘di ka mauuna eh binalya mo ako papasok sa studio. Balyenang flirt!
GretchenF: Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako balyena! ‘Tsaka mas sikat ang aming mga artista!
Pia G: Excuse me too! Walaaaaaa kaming artista at all! ‘Di n’yo kaya ‘yon! May showbiz segment kami pero wala kaming artista! Fine! Mauna ka na!

GretchenF: Mga Kapamilya… kapapasok pa lang ng balitang ito: Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion… break na raw?
Pia G: Hahhahah! Pinaglololoko n’yo ang mga viewers n’yo!
GretchenF: Tumahimik ka d’yan kung ayaw mong paglapitin ko ang mga mata mo!
Pia G: Whatever!
GretchenF: As I was saying mga Kapamilya, malakas ang bulung-bulungan na hiwalay na nga raw sina KC at Papa Piolo. Nagpapatrol… Mario Dumaual.

Mario: Apat na buwan matapos umaming “sila na,” kumalat kanina ang tsismis na break na raw sina Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion. Magugunitang naging kontrobersyal ang ginawang pag-amin ng dalawa noong Enero sa “The Buzz.” Sa katunayan, sa isinagawang joint survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia from March 5 to 10, lumabas na 99.95 percent ng mga Pilipino ang nagsabing “Etchos lang” ang relasyon ng dalawa samantalang .05 percent naman ang sumagot na, “Waley!” Ang natitirang .01 percent ay nagsabing, “Wehhh?” Tumanggi munang magbigay ng pahayag sina KC at Piolo hangga’t hindi natatapos ang kanilang kontrata sa isang brand ng canned tuna at isang brand ng berdeng tsaa. Mario Dumaual, Patrol ng Pilipino!

[Last Segment: Free For All Chikahan]

Kabayan: Uy, balita ko babalik na sa puwesto si Virginia Torres ng LTO. Ang lakas niya pala talaga sa pangulo. Dalawang buwang suspendido pero and’yan pa rin sa puwesto.
Mike: Alam mow Kabayan, ibinalita namin sa 24Oras last week, nakakagamowt daw ng cancer ang mga tuko!
Korina: Ibig n’yo bang sabihin, cancer-free ang mga tao sa LTO kasi may tuko do’n?
Ted: Ikaw ang nagsabi niyan! Pero ayon nga sa tweet ni Kumareng Lynda Jumilla, the Balay and Samar blocs are passé. Ang namamayagpag daw ngayon: ang paksyong SB: Shooting Buddies!
Mel: Oo nga ‘no?! Pambihirahh!

[Extro]

Ted: At ‘yan po ang mga balitang aming nakalap sa mas malawak na pagpapatrol!
Mel: Mga balitang aming tinutukan sa nakalipas na 24 Oras. Maraming salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala!
Korina: Kami ang mga Patrol ng Pilipino… hanggang bukas!
Mike: Ito po ang GMA walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan, serbisyong totoo lang. At dahil hindi natutulog ang mga balita, nakatut…
Noli: Tama naaaaa! Ang haba-haba ng extro n’yo! OT na tayo! Magandang gabi bayan!

[Closing Credits]

-The End-
———————————————————————
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
~Anonymous

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

QUITTERS, INC.

FORMER LOS ANGELES Lakers slotman Shaquille O’Neal has called it quits. Shaq was quick to clarify though that he quit for “personal reasons” and not because of a power struggle between rival factions in his team.

Sources say Shaquille O’Neal wants to go back to being a private citizen. He also dismissed rumors that he quit because of the impending return of Assistant Secretary Virginia Torres to the LTO.

Next DoTC Chief?
According to Newsbreak, defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas has been offered the DoTC post to be vacated soon by Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Without naming names though, President Aquino said the intended substitute asked for more time to think about the offer. Let’s all hope that by Monday, Korina Sanchez has made a decision.

First, it was the post of executive secretary, then presidential chief of staff. Now, it’s the DoTC. The President has so much trust in Mar Roxas, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s offered the presidency.

Disputed Territory
Chinese Embassy spokesperson Michelle Zhao has denied allegations of illegal military incursions into Philippine territorial waters in the South China Sea. Out of force of habit, the Philippine government believed her.

Fish Pens
Local officials in Talisay, Batangas admit Chinese businessmen own and operate several fish cages in the area. We worry so much about South China Sea and yet, we can’t even protect Taal Lake.

Marcos Burial
Reports say Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos… not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani though but in Ilocos Norte. It was also recommended that the refrigerated body be carried to the cemetery by a specially designed funeral vehicle – a thaw truck.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos. A 21-gun salute will be fired by a group of seven soldiers including Carlos F. Garcia, Jacinto Ligot, George Rabusa, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva.

Facebook Ban
City hall employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts and play computer games during office hours. You know what that means? Half-day na lang ang pasok! Yehey!

Local government employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts. Disgruntled employees immediately changed their status to “It’s Complicated.”

Double Dead
Double-dead milkfish or botchang bangus that were confiscated in wet markets were brought to crocodile parks in Quezon City and Pasay. But park supervisors said they could only accommodate so much. The remaining botchang bangus are now being delivered to Congress.

Lotto Winner
The lone winner of the 356-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot is a 60-year-old slum-dwelling barangay tanod and part-time carpenter from Las Piñas City who was a recipient of the agency’s medical assistance last month, has six children, and whose siblings reside in Bicol. These vital pieces information came from PCSO General Manager Jose Ferdinand Rojas II a.k.a. Tim Yap.

Overseas…
Dr. Jacob “Jack” Kevorkian has died. He was 83. It wasn’t clear though if he helped himself die.

When Osama Bin Laden bumped into Dr. Kevorkian in hell, the Al Qaeda leader asked, “Want a job? My suicide bombers need help.”
—————————————————————–
“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
~Lance Armstrong

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang magkaroon ng divorce sa Pilipinas?
- Panahon na! 61.34%
- Hindi na kailangan! 32.91%
- Hindi ko alam. 5.75%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

WALA LANG.

May 31, 2011 is World No Tobacco Day, or as President Aquino would call it, “abstinence.”

After declaring last Friday that it would round up cigarette smokers in public places starting May 30, the MMDA yesterday said it would actually start apprehending violators beginning July 1. The change in schedule was announced by MMDA Chairman Harold Camping.

According to the Department of Health, around 240 Filipinos die every day due to tobacco-related illnesses. Those who survive either go bald or remain single for at least 51 years. Beware!

Exclusive!
The Professional Heckler Interviews President Aquino’s Lungs

The Professional Heckler: Good evening Sir!
President Aquino’s Lungs (PAL): It was!

Heckler: Ang sungit! Kasisimula pa lang, nagsusuplado na.
PAL: Ikaw kaya ang lumagay sa katayuan namin. Tingnan ko lang kung hindi uminit ang ulo mo.

Heckler: Ay oo nga pala, dalawa kayo. Eh bakit hindi nagsasalita ‘yong isa?
PAL: Masama ang pakiramdam. Nausukan nang todo kanina.

Heckler: I’m sorry to hear that. Buweno, let’s start. Ipapalabas nga pala ang panayam na ‘to sa telebisyon mamaya.
PAL: Anong channel?
Heckler: NBN 4.
PAL: Ay, cheap! Walang viewers.
Heckler: Meron naman.
PAL: Alin? ‘Yong lotto draw?
Heckler: Huwag na nating pag-usapan ‘yan. Focus na tayo sa isyu.
PAL: Go!

Heckler: Ilang taon ka na ba?
PAL: Fifty-one na noong February pero kung iyong mapapansin, mukha na akong 76. Alam mo naman ‘di ba? Smoking accelerates aging.
Heckler: Ilang beses ka ba nauusukan sa isang araw?
PAL: Depende eh. Kapag busy ang amo ko, 10 to 15 times. Pero kapag walang gaanong ginagawa, around 25.
Heckler: Kahapon, nakailan ba siya?
PAL: 30!
Heckler: Wala siyang ginagawa?!?
PAL: Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan!

Heckler: Sa umaga ba, anong oras ka nauusukan?
PAL: Ay, late na rin. Usually 9AM. Pero pansin ko lang, nang lumabas ang balitang tinatanghali siya nang gising, maaga na siyang bumabangon! Wala pang alas-sais, gising na ‘yan.
Heckler: Ayaw mo ng gano’n?
PAL: Well, it’s good for his image pero bad for us, his lungs. Hindi pa man nakaka-toothbrush, lighter na agad ang hanap ng lolo n’yo.

Heckler: What’s the worst part of your day?
PAL: Sa gabi! Lalo na kapag nag-iisa na ‘yan? Naku! Kung makapag-yosi, akala mo katapusan na ng mundo!
Heckler: Nauunawaan n’yo naman?
PAL: Minsan. Kasi, kawawa din naman. Stressed. Single. Walang katabi sa pagtulog. Walang tatawag para magsabing, “Good night honeypie.” Walang mag-tetext ng, “Sweet dreams butterfinger. Mwah.” Walang ganun eh. So, we try to be as understanding as possible.

Heckler: But you would want to see him quit smoking.
PAL: Of course! Not just for us pero para na rin sa iba pa niyang organs.
Heckler: Like …
PAL: His sex organ.
Heckler: Can we not go there?
PAL: I mean, major turn off sa maraming girls ang chain smoking, right? Sige nga, kung ikaw ang babae… papayag ka bang maging constant date ang lalaking hindi nawawalan ng halak? Eeew!

Heckler: Eh pa’no kung ayaw mag-quit?
PAL: May choice ba kami? Wala! Hindi naman nakikinig sa amin ‘yan eh.
Heckler: Wala kayong influence sa kanya?
PAL: Zero! Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ni Peping Cojuangco.

Heckler: May galit kayo?
PAL: Galit is not the term. Siguro tampo. Sana man lang ma-realize niyang nasasaktan din kami.
Heckler: Wait, umiinom ba siya ng vitamins or any supplements?
PAL: Hindi ko sure! Pero ang lagi kong naririnig sa kanya, Guaifenesin, Dextrometorphan, Phenylpropanolamine, at kung anu-ano pang generic name na hindi ko ma-spell!

Heckler: Do the other organs share the same sentiment? May tampo rin ba sila sa inyong amo?
PAL: Not everyone! Merong isa d’yan na laging napapansin.
Heckler: Sino?
PAL: Si heart! Hay naku! Buwan-buwan, iba ang itinitibok n’yan! Lagi namang nauuwi sa wala. Hahaha
Heckler: Bitter?
PAL: Hindi naman. I’m just saying na masyado siyang nakatutok sa puso niya. Sa speeches, sa jokes, sa ambush interviews, lagi na lang love life ang topic. Like, hello! May return of emotional investment na ba? Wala!

Heckler: Kung kayo ang puso ng pangulo, anong ipapayo n’yo sa kanya?
PAL: Simpleng-simple lang. Just be yourself!
Heckler: Meaning…
PAL: Next question please.

Heckler: Teka, anong message mo sa iyong amo, ang Pangulo ng Pilipinas…
PAL: Ano ‘to, The Buzz? Startalk? Ang corny naman…
Heckler: Bilisan mo na, sayang ang oras at pagkakataon.
PAL: Kay President Aquino, ahm, hindi pa huli ang lahat bossing. Save us – your lungs, save yourself. Tigilan mo na ang paninigarilyo. Dahil kung hindi… ikaw ang titigilan namin!

Heckler: May gusto ka pang pasalamatan o batiin?
PAL: To the MMDA, keep up the good work! Maraming salamat sa anti-smoking drive n’yo. Malaking tulong ‘yan sa mga tulad namin. ‘Tsaka, in fairness sa nagma-manage ng Twitter account n’yo, ang bilis sumagot! ‘Yon lang ba talaga ang work niya? As in, maghapon? Parang bank teller?

Heckler: Wala namang Twitter account ang presidente ah. Bakit naman pati Twitter ng MMDA eh napansin mo Mr. Bagà?
PAL: Wala lung.
Heckler: Uyyy, trying to be witty.

Heckler: Bago tayo magtapos, kumusta na ang Porsche ng amo mo?
PAL: Wala akong pakialam d’yan. Mas gusto namin ang bike n’ya. It’s good for us.
Heckler: Ayaw mo sa kotse?
PAL: Ayaw! Muntik na ‘kong ‘di makahinga nang sumemplang ‘yan ‘no!
Heckler: Ibig sabihin, totoo ang tsismis na nasangkot sa aksidente ang Porsche n’ya?
PAL: Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako! Teka, ba’t mo naman naitanong?
Heckler: Wala lung.
-End of Interview-

Resigned
President Aquino says he has accepted Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno’s “irrevocable resignation” otherwise known as graceful exit.

Divorce Bill
Sorsogon Rep. Salvador Escudero III says the Philippines is not yet ready for a Divorce Law. To which, his daughter-in-law Christine Flores-Escudero said, “I am!”

Heritage Tree
President Aquino declared an ancient balete in front of Malacañang as a “heritage tree.” The tree will be allotted a five-meter protection zone. The President has a soft spot for the balete because it was his childhood friend.
——————————————————————–
“Just because you’re not sick doesn’t mean you’re healthy.”
~Author Unknown

Quote of the Weak

“Itong gobyernong ito ay gustong pasukin ang kwarto ng asawa, sirain ang tahanan at pati kalikasan. Kahit isang libong beses man ikasal ang lalaki sa kapwa lalaki, hindi ito legal at hindi dapat mangyari.”
~Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz

In Memoriam

March 22, 2002 – May 31, 2011

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ka bang maipapatupad ng MMDA ang anti-smoking drive sa Metro Manila?
-Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan! 26.95%
- Hindi rin. Hindi nila kayang manghuli eh. 58.16%
- Bahala na. Let’s just wait. 14.89%

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Have a safe day!