HOLY SMOKE!

No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly

Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!

ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
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“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
- Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
- Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

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Have a safe and fun week ahead!

HOLY STORMS!

Narito ang updated na talaan ng mga bagyong pumasok, papasok o kasalukuyang nasa loob ng Pilipinas:

Bagyong Mar Roxas
Inaasahang papasok sa Philippine area of responsibility sa darating na Hunyo. Nangangamba ang marami sa posibleng pagsasalubong nila ng Bagyong Jojo Ochoa. Maaari daw itong magdulot ng dobleng peligro sa bansa.

Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Tahimik lamang ang bagyong ito ngunit malalaman mong paparating na siya dahil pasuray-suray ang pagtahak niya sa kanyang dinadaanan.

Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Matapos manalanta, sinisi niya ang forecast ng PAGASA. Mali-mali daw ang facts at figures na inilalabas ng weather bureau.

Bagyong Leila De Lima
Napakatapang na bagyo. Matatalim na kidlat at kulog ang dala ngunit walang gaanong ulan kaya’t minimal ang pinsala. May isang obserbasyon nga lang ang mga kritiko ng Bagyong Leila: kung saan-saang lugar daw siya pumapasok.

Bagyong Panfilo Lacson
Kahit moderno na ang instrumento ng pamahalaan, nahirapan pa rin silang ma-detect ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, palaisipan pa rin kung sang bahagi ng mundo siya nagmula.

Bagyong Manny Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan, ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Bagyong Mommy Dionisia
Pinapayuhang mag-ingat ‘yong malaswa, ‘yong mga taong malaswaaaaa!

Bagyong Juan Ponce Enrile
Pinakamatagal sa puwesto; hindi gumagalaw. Dumaan na ang iba pang sama ng panahon, nananalasa pa rin siya.

Bagyong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Siyam na taong nanalanta sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa tuluyang nakakabangon ang bansa sa pinsalang kanyang idinulot.

Bagyong Tingting Cojuangco
Nabigla ang mga weather forecasters sa ikinilos kamakailan ng sosyal na bagyong ito. Matapos manalanta sa Central Luzon noong early 1990s, nagpaparamdam ito ngayon sa dakong Mindanao bilang isang weather disturbance. Gayunman, wala pang katiyakan kung siya ay magiging ganap na bagyo.

Bagyong Imelda Marcos
Dekada sesenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik at patuloy pa rin sa pananalasa.

Bagyong Ernesto Diokno
Matapos magdulot ng pinsala, tumanggi siyang akuin ang responsibilidad at ipinasa ito sa mas mahihinang bagyo. Sinisi rin niya ang mga nagdaang sama ng panahon. Bagamat bahagyang humina, nananatili pa rin ito sa puwesto dahil malakas daw ang kapit kay Lord.

Bagyong Antonio Leviste
Ang inisyal na forecast ay stationary lamang ito ngunit marami ang nagulat nang ma-detect siya ng ABS-CBN News Weather Bueau sa dakong Makati at Maynila. Iniimbestigahan na ang mga awtoridad sa kabiguan nilang ma-monitor ang galaw ni Bagyong Leviste.

Bagyong Manny V. Pangilinan
Mayaman sa ulan at hangin. Tuwing kumukulog at kumikidlat, nawawalan ng signal ang Globe!

Bagyong CBCP
Matagal-tagal na rin ang ginagawa nitong pananalanta sa Pilipinas. Sa tuwing magrereklamo ang mga tao sa dala niyang pinsala, nagbabanta ito ng walang tigil na pag-ulan at pagbaha upang lipulin ang “masasama.”

Bagyong Jejomar Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Bagamat matindi ang dulot na pinsala, hindi ito gaanong napapansin dahil marami din namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Matapos tumama sa Kamaynilaan, nakatutok naman ang mata ng Bagyong Binay sa mas malawak at mas matinding pananalanta sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa sa 2016.

Bagyong Noynoy Aquino
Tuwid na direksyon ang tinatahak ng bagyong ito ngunit napakabagal at may katamaran. Tanghali na kung ito ay kumilos kaya’t inaabot nang madaling araw ang pananalanta. Walang gaanong ulan ngunit malakas ang hanging bumabayo kaya’t binansagan din itong ‘tuyot na bagyo.’
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“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”
~Author Unknown

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

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May 25th
On this day in…

585 BC: The first known prediction of a solar eclipse was made in Greece. When it didn’t happen, the date was moved to October 21.

1803: It was a dark and stormy night… when English novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton was born. The scalpel was mightier than the umbilical cord.

1895: Irish writer and poet Oscar Wilde was sentenced to two years hard labor for being a sodomite. The bottomline is… it was that day’s top story.

1927: Robert Ludlum was bourne.

2001: American Erik Weihenmayer, 32, became the first blind climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. The view from the top didn’t impress him.

Thanks to Any-Day-History, History On This Day, and Wikipedia.

JOBLESS

THE NUMBER OF unemployed Filipinos rose from 23.5 percent in November 2010 to 27.2 percent in March 2011. That’s one piece of bad news Attorney Edwin Lacierda could not blame on opinion columnists.

The SWS said nine percent of unemployed Filipinos consisted of people who had lost their jobs. Or as Conrado De Quiros would say, “Liberal Party.”

The figures released by the SWS are based on the definition of unemployment as “not working and at the same time looking for work.” Simply put, ex-Ombudsman.

The bad news is the number of unemployed Filipinos  is  up. The good news is there will be vacancies at the Bureau of Corrections very soon.

Living Out Leviste
Convicted killer and former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste said, “Sa dalawang taon at kalahati ko rito (sa Bilibid), as God is my witness, I have never asked or received any VIP treatment.” To which, God said, “Ulol! Nandamay ka pa!”

Mired in controversy, Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno, a shooting buddy of the President, filed a leave of absence Monday. Take that Rico E. Puno!

Running
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita “Tingting” Delos Reyes-Cojuangco is running for vice governor of the Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao. Is Forbes Park now part of ARMM?

Seeding
On Tuesday, May 24, President Aquino led a lake seeding activity at Laguna De Bay. That was the closest thing he could get to procreation.

Wedding
Sen. Bong Revilla and Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado are renewing their vows on Saturday. ‘k.

Camping
I guess you’ve heard a lot about California preacher Harold Camping. Last May 21, the world saw the end of his credibility.

California preacher Harold Camping says Judgment Day will actually come on October 21. Unfortunately for Camping, the whole world has already judged him last May 21.

Christian broadcaster and California preacher Harold Camping said his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day actually will come on October 21. Camping’s predictions are so terrible, they make Madam Auring’s forecasts sound so credible.

Top Ten 2010-2011 Predictions Made by Harold Camping in 2009 For/About the Philippines

No. 10: Richard Gutierrez will win an acting award.

No. 9: Korina Sanchez will become the country’s First Lady. If not, her husband will.

No. 8: The price of gas and the cost of basic commodities as well as transport fare and toll rates will not increase.

No. 7: The Sandiganbayan will junk the plea bargain agreement between the Ombudsman and retired Major Gen. Carlos F. Garcia.

No. 6: Kris Aquino shall never again talk about President Aquino’s romantic involvements. Also, her show, ‘The Price is Right’ will be a top-rater.

No. 5: Manny V. Pangilinan and his PLDT Group will buy Globe Telecoms.

No. 4: The Samar and Balay groups will unite after the first automated elections.

No. 3: The composite team of the NBI, PNP, and AFP will successfully locate and arrest Sen. Panfilo Lacson.

No. 2: Malacañang will certify the RH Bill as urgent.

And the top 2010-2011 prediction made by Harold Camping in 2009 for/about the Philippines…

The President will quit smoking, and will have a stable, long-term, romantic relationship with a woman his age.
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“The rapture you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.”
~Author Unknown

Briefly Noted
In a speech in Laguna Tuesday, the President joked about his so-called lovelife… again!
“Manalig po kayo: Hanggat pagkakapwa-tao at hindi panlalamang ang isinasapuso natin, pagbaba ko po sa puwesto sa 2016, sana po’y nakapag-asawa na, babangon naman kayo sa isang Pilipinas na mas maunlad… “

Ikaw ang nagsimula n’yan huh! ‘Wag na ‘wag kang magrereklamo kapag pinag-usapan na naman ng publiko ang lovelife mo. ok.thx.bye!

Elsewhere…
GMA News: UP, Ateneo, UST, DLSU make it to Top 200 Asian universities Here’s the complete list.

PDI’s Fr. Joaquin G. Bernas S. J.: My stand on the RH Bill

Yahoo! News: Harold Camping’s Rapture Reminds Many of Former Religious Nightmares

You Have Spoken
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to Cong. Manny Pacquiao: “Stay out of the RH Bill debate.” Your take:
- Tama! Huwag ka nang makialam Pacman. 50.1%
- Nahh, it’s his right to voice his opinions! Hayaan natin siya. 46.1%
- No comment. 3.81%

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A storm is coming. Ingat!

THE END

TODAY IS MONDAY, May 23, 2011, the second day of a new world. Congratulations! You survived the rapture last Saturday.

Here’s the end of the world news as “would have been” reported by journalists, news organizations, and some government offices in the Philippines:

ABS-CBN: “Exclusive! Ang paghahanda ng Panginoon sa pagwasak niya sa daigdig!” “

GMA 7: “Kumpirmado! Si Lord walang puprotektahan! Gunaw na totoo lang… nakaamba!”

TV5: “MVP buys into new planet; Metro Pacific now owns 70 percent of Mars”

NBN 4: “And the final number is… 42. Number 42. Kung anim na digits ang nakuha n’yo, you have won the last Mega Lotto jackpot!”

Philippine Daily Inquirer: “It’s all over: Filipinos flee”

Philippine Star: “Truth shall prevail: world about to end!”

Manila Bulletin: “God vows to create a new world”

Manila Standard Today: “Noynoy fails to stop rapture”

Business World: “Philippine stocks rally on last trading day”

Abante/Abante Tonite: “PNoy sinisi si GMA sa napipintong gunaw”

Kerygma: “God STILL loves you”

FHM: “101 Most Beautiful Women on Earth: The Last Temptation of Christ”

Philippine Entertainment Portal (PEP.Ph): “First read on PEP: Ang bonggang paghahanda ng mga artista sa nalalapit na katapusan ng daigdig”

DZRH: “Gunaw: Kauna-unahan sa Pilipinas!”

DZBB: “Super Gunaw!”

NDRRMC: “Bilyun-bilyong halaga ng pananim at impastraktura, inaaasahang mapipinsala”

PAGASA: “Gunaw posibleng magbago ng target”

Noli De Castro: “Hanggang dito na lamang… bayan!”

Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Tuloy na raw ang gunaw! Pambihira ano po!?”

Tulfo Brothers: “’Tang-i*a! Gunaw na mga kapatid!”

Alvin Elchico: “Isang araw bago ang gunaw: Mga higanteng kompanya ng langis, magpapatupad ng uno singkwentang rollback sa presyo ng gasolina”

Lhar Santiago: “Updated sa Rapture happenings!”

Malacañang: “President Aquino orders Vice President Binay to oversee search and retrieval operations”

Office of the Vice President: “Binay to personally rescue rapture survivors in New Zealand, Kiribati, and Australia”

Ateneo De Manila Community: “One big fright!”

CBCP News: “Mga bakla, imoral, at katig sa RH Bill, unang lilipulin”

Solar Sports: “Game Over!”
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“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”
~Richard Bach

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

> Living out inmate
- VIP o Very Important Prisoner
- Mapeperang bilanggo na malayang nakakapamasyal sa Makati, Binondo, Tagaytay and wherever na hindi sinisita ng mga opisyal ng kulungan

> Contraception
- A portmanteau of ‘contradict’ and ‘deception.’ Dahil kontra sila, idinadaan sa deception.
Halimbawa ng sitwasyong ginagamitan ng ‘contraception:
Parishioner: Bishop, masama po ba ang paggamit ng condom?
Obispo: Tama ka d’yan iho! Dahil kapag pinigilan mo ang pagtatagpo ng sihay-punlay ng lalaki at ng itlog ng babae, nilalabag mo ang kautusan ng Diyos na humayo kayo at magpakarami. At dahil hindi mo sinunod ang utos ng Panginoon, tiyak na mapupunta ka sa impiyerno at magdurusa ang iyong kaluluwa sa dagat-dagatang apoy forever and ever. Walang amen!

Have a safe and fun week ahead!

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OF DATES AND DEBATES

Pacman Interpellates
World boxing champion and anti-RH Bill solon Manny Pacquiao slugged it out with veteran lawmaker Edcel Lagman in Congress last Wednesday night. It was a mismatch. The welterweight was exposed as a lightweight.

Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman thus snapped Manny Pacquiao’s 14-bout winning streak.

Did you see the Pacquiao-Lagman bout last Wednesday? Even if Pacman used steroids, he would have still lost that one.

Before he interpellated Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao told the media he spent the whole night reading and studying the RH Bill. It didn’t show.

After 12 rounds of Q&A, Lagman scored well in research; Pacquiao, scored fairly in reading.

Although the main event was lackluster, the undercard was thrilling and entertaining. Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao posted her first career win when Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago decided to throw in the towel.

Defending her son against Senator Santiago’s advice that he should “stay out of the RH Bill debate,” a fuming Mommy Dionisia said, “Ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswa. Gusto ko ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswaaaaaaa!” To which Willie Revillame said, “O? Ano na namang ginawa ko?”

Quoting God, Cong. Manny Pacquiao said everyone must “go out to the world and multiply.” His statement was seconded by the CBCP, anti-RH Bill groups, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sperminator
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The kid is now a fourth grader at the International Cyborg Institute.

Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child outside of his marriage. The other son was identified as Jose Victor or JV.

Arnold Schwarzenegger kept the child secret for 10 years. Maria Shriver discovered it with the help of US Navy SEALs.

Bilibid Or Not
Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno is in hot water these days. This, after ABS-CBN cameras caught convicted killer and former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste outside the New Bilibid Prisons, specifically, in Makati and Binondo – at least four times. Rumors say Diokno is on his way out. In fact, his post has been offered to Anthony Taberna.

According to records, former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste is a ‘living out’ inmate – meaning, he is free to move around the New Bilibid Prisons (NBP). The records didn’t explain though how Binondo and Makati City became part of the NBP.

Noy’s New Date
President Aquino invited a certain Bunny Calica to a date last Monday. Reports say Bunny is 27 years old, very simple, intelligent, and the type of person who wouldn’t say no to the elderly.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bunny Calica had dinner with Baby James and Joshua Aquino at the Bahay Pangarap in Malacañang recently. The information came from the fourth member of President Aquino’s Communications Group, Kris Aquino.

According to Kris, while having dinner, Baby James or Bimby asked Bunny, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?” It was the President who answered, “No. But I hope so.” And then there was an awkward moment when Bimby said, “Hope? My daddy too.”

Top 5 Things Bunny Calica Shouldn’t Say if Baby James Asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

No. 5: “Anak ka nga ng ina mo!”

No. 4: “You wish!”

No. 3: “Puwede na rin. End of the world na naman bukas eh.”

No. 2: “Actually, I’m your tito’s boyfriend. Mahaba lang ang buhok ko.”

And the No. 1 thing Bunny Calica shouldn’t say if Baby James asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

“No Tito Boy. We’re just friends.”
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“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
~Charles Schultz

Quote of the Weak
“As you know I am still single. If I ever get a chance to go out on a date, it seems that I have invited the entire Filipino people to join me on that date. And I wonder who gave them the right.”
~ President Noynoy Aquino

- Eh ‘di magsumbong ka sa lolo mong panot!
You don’t want attention? STAY HOME! Problema ba ‘yon?

Have a great weekend!

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KRISSY/MANNY

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”

Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?

Kris: Gumagamit ka raw ng steroids?
MP: Hemorrhoids?!? Juks lang. Hihihi
Kris: Yucccck! You’re so kadiri talaga! Steroids not hemorrhoids!
MP: Subra naman ‘yan. Kasu na naman ‘yan. Hihihi Ang totoo Kris, coomit nga, ‘di pa ko nakakita, asteroids pa kaya! ‘Di totoo ‘yan. Paninira lang ‘yan.

Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?

Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Wala ‘yan sa Bible ‘no!

-End of Interview-
—————————————————–
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
- Ipasa! 81.26%
- Ibasura! 10.3%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!

CATS, PRAISES

Pacman Returns
Manny Pacquiao is back in the Philippines after last week’s big event in Las Vegas – his encounter with Paris Hilton.

Reports say the Pacquiao-Mosley event lured the second biggest crowd (16,412) among Pacquiao’s bouts in Las Vegas. It also set a Guinness World Record for ‘most watched sparring session.’

Congressman Manny Pacquiao and his wife attended a thanksgiving Mass in Manila Saturday morning. As expected, security was tight at the Quiapo Church. The only thing tighter was Jinkee’s face.

Manny Pacquiao has denied using steroids while training for his fight. For God’s sake, he couldn’t even use his wife!

Cat Killer
A UP student who killed a cat in 2009 was found guilty of animal cruelty. The judge rejected his defense that he was a battered rat in his past life.

UP physics major Joseph Carlo Candare was found guilty of animal cruelty and was slapped with a 2,000-peso fine. Likewise, the judge barred him from eating siopao for the rest of his life.

After being found guilty of animal cruelty, Joseph Carlo Candare is now serving his sentence – two months of volunteer work for the Philippine Animal Welfare Society or PAWS where he’s tasked to take care of some 200 cats. Sa mga pusa d’yan sa PAWS… ingat!

Confirmed
President Aquino confirmed Friday that his defeated runningmate, former senator Mar Roxas would be his chief of staff. The President clarified though that Korina Sanchez would still be Mar’s ‘commander-in-chief.’

Osama’s Stash
The US Navy SEALs reportedly found a diary in Osama bin Laden’s compound. It revealed, among other things that his real parents were Alvira and Amante Del Valle.

Confiscated photos of Osama bin Laden’s medicine cabinet revealed he took herbal Viagra. Another confiscated photo showed three happy-looking camels.

Pornographic videos were also discovered in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound. One of the titles found was “Osama bin Hayden.”

De Lima Declines
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is not interested in replacing Merceditas Gutierrez as Ombudsman. And that’s understandable. It’s like replacing Osama bin Laden in al-Qaeda.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, the world’s most dangerous places are Afghanistan and Iraq. In third place is Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City.

Big Rollback
Oil companies have just implemented a bigger oil price rollback… surprising motorists, and fueling speculations that the reported Judgment Day on May 21 is true.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>>Civil disobedience: Weapon of mass distraction. Isang paraan upang ilayo ang diskusyon sa merito ng isyu | See ‘blackmail.’

>>Chief of Staff: See ‘Prime Minister.’

In China…
Shanghai City is setting a limit of one-dog per family. In protest of the policy, Chinese dog lovers have threatened to lead a civil disobedience campaign.
———————————————————————-
“It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.”
~Chinese Proverb

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NEWS QUIZ

HAVE YOU BEEN READING or watching the news lately? Find out how much you know about recent and current events by taking this quiz. No Googling please! Don’t cheat. Lawmakers and generals hate competition.

1: Naging paksa ng mga usapan ang halagang 13 pesos and 35 centavos (P13.35) kamakailan. Ano nga ba ito?
A: Presyo ng isang latang sardinas
B: Ang offer na daily wage hike ng mga employers
C: Ang dagdag sa tinatanggap na Emergency Cost of Living Allowance (E-Cola) ng minimum wage earners
D: Limos para sa mga laborers na walang choice

2: To cushion the impact of rising fuel costs, namigay ng Smart cards ang pamahalaan sa mga jeepney at tricycle drivers. Bahagi ito ng Pantawid Pasada program ng gobyerno. Magkano ang laman ng bawat card na tinanggap ng mga jeepney drivers (good for one month)?
A: P1,100
B: ‘Wag nang magreklamo. Ang importante, meron.
C: P1,500
D: Anong sabi n’yo? Maliit? Eh ‘di magreklamo ka sa presidente mong panot!

3: Sino ang babaeng nasa larawan?

A: Ang sinibak na executive ng LTO na si Virginia Torres, shooting buddy ng pangulo
B: Si Marie Peña Ruiz, ang beteranang reporter na ayon sa tsismis ay siya raw bagong apple of the eye ni Pangulong Aquino
C: Si Mary Ruth M. Ferrer, spokesperson ng Sandiganbayan na nagsabing legal ang plea bargain agreement sa pagitan ng Ombudsman at ni retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia
D: Malay ko! Hindi siya sikat!

4: Kung si Antonio Trillanes IV ang poorest senator, sino naman ang second poorest?
A: Tao ba ito? Hiwalay ba sa asawa?
B: Member ba siya ng Noy-Bi team?
C: Galit ba sa kanya si Korina Sanchez?
D: Senator Francis “Chiz” Escudero

5: Sinong public interest lawyer ang abogado rin ng nagsarang Banco Filipino at mortal na kaaway ngayon ng Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas?
A: Atty. Leonard De Vera
B: Atty. Salvador Panelo
C: Atty. Ely Pamatong
D: Atty. Harry Roque

6: Tumaas nang mahigit apat na milyong piso ang yaman ni Pangulong Aquino ayon sa kanyang Statement of Assets and Liabilities and Net Worth. Ano ang paliwanag ng palasyo?
A: “Walang ilegal sa amount na ‘yon. Bahagi ‘yan ng ‘di nagastos na campaign contribution ng kanyang kapatid na si Ms. Kris Aquino.”
B: “The President has always been transparent with his wealth. Wala siyang itinatago.”
C: “Nagbenta ng lote sa Antipolo City ang ating Presidente.”
D: “Apat na milyong piso ang halaga ng Porsche. Public knowledge ‘yan”

7: Isang hapon…
Official No.1: Kaya nga ipatawag natin ang tatlong lider para ma-settle natin kung ano ang deadline.
Official No. 2: Who will set the deadline?
Official No. 1: No, no, no! Of course, we consult them before we set the deadline.
Official No. 2: Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
Official No. 1: Kaya nagkakagulo eh, ini-insist lang natin ang gusto natin.
Official No. 2 walks out.
Sino ang magkausap?
A: Cong. Mikey Arroyo at BIR Commissioner Kim Henares sa isyu ng deadline sa pagbabayad ng buwis
B: Mga immature na pulitiko at taong-gobyerno
C: Basta! Isa sa kanila Samar; ‘yong isa, Balay! Sure na. Final answer!
D: Makati Mayor Junjun Binay and DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo sa Laperal Compound

8: Kamakailan ay naaresto sa Taguig City si Arabani Jakiran, a suspected member of the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group. Security guard siya sa Pacific Towers Plaza. In defense of Jakiran, isang kilalang tao sa lipunan ang nagsabing more than six years na raw naglilingkod ang suspek bilang guwardiya sa sosyal na condominium. Sino itong personalidad na ito na gusto yatang maging lawyer ni Jakiran?
A: Manny V. Pangilinan
B: Tessa Prieto-Valdez
C: Jaime Augusto Zobel De Ayala
D: Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco

9: Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang pag-aresto… dinakip ng NAIA security si Enrico Del Rosario Aldaba kahapon, May 11 for alleged possession of prohibited drugs. Patungong Palawan umano ang suspek at nang malapit na ito sa airport security screening area, nilulon daw nito ang isang sachet ng shabu. Matapos dalhin sa himpilan ng pulisya, isang Cabinet secretary ang nagtungo roon. Pinsan pala ng kalihim ang suspek. Sino si Cabinet Secretary?
A: Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert F. Del Rosario
B: Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim
C: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
D: Hindi ako interested kay Secretary. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko sa suspek: kung nagugutom ka, mag-rice ka! Tanga!

10: May bagong advocacy si Cong. Manny Pacquiao. Anong organisasyon ang napili niyang maging partner?
A: CBCP! Siyempre, anti-RH Bill si Manny!
B: Bantay Bata
C: Gawad Kalinga
D: GMA Kapuso Foundation! Obvious naman ‘di ba? (‘Nood kayo lagi ng Shumi Damani!)

Bonus Questions
No. 1: Ano ang bagong pamagat ng programa ni Willie Revillame sa TV5?
A: “Wil Time, Big Time”
B: “Cashiyahan Para sa Bayan”
C: “Willing Wilyonaryo”
D: “Malay Ko, Pakialam Ko!”

No. 2: Ano ang nangyari sa reporter na ito ng ABS-CBN na si Niko Baua?

A: ‘Yan ang bagong uniform ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs kapag demolisyon ang iku-cover. Astig!
B: Tinamaan ng bato na inihagis ng mga squatters na pinapalayas sa Laperal Compound
C: Nakipagsapakan sa reporter ng GMA7 na si Ivan Mayrina dahil sa agawan ng puwesto sa kinu-cover na demolition ng squatters. Itinago ng dalawang networks ang balita. Now you know!
D: Wala lang. Trip lang n’yang ibalot sa malamig na tela ang kanyang ulo. Kasi naman, sobrang init talaga ng panahon ngayon.

No. 3: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang dating yaya ni Prince William na si Lillie Piccio
B: Ang alleged illegal recruiter na si Tita Cacayan
C: Si Rosel Jakosalem Peñas, ang hina-hunting na bilas ni Pilar Pilapil
D: Dating showbiz scribe na si Portia Ilagan na tauhan na ngayon ni Sen. Bong Revilla

No. 4: Para “Oras-oras, alam mo…”
A: Magbasa ng Libre, ang free newspaper ng Philippine Daily Inquirer
B: Tumutok sa GMA News TV
C: Makinig sa Tambalang Failon at Webb sa dzMM
D: Mag-enrol sa Gapuz Review Center

No. 5: “Nagdaan na naman ang isang araw ng pagbabalita. Isang araw na bahagi ng kasaysayan. Sa ngalan ng bayan sa ilalim ng nag-iisa nating… “
A: Saksi
B: Watawat
C: Aksyon
D: Bandila

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>Indirect Bribery: Ang pagnanakaw ng mahigit tatlong daang milyong piso mula sa kaban ng bayan. See “plunder.”

>Plunder: Wala nang gano’n. Hindi na uso ‘yan. Kapag nagnakaw ka ng limampung milyong piso o higit pa mula sa kaban ng bayan, ibalik mo lang ang kalahati at ayos na ang butu-buto. See “indirect bribery.”
——————————————————————
“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

You Have Spoken
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa napipintong pagpasok ni former Senator Mar Roxas sa pamahalaan?
- Great! Kailangan ng gobyerno ang kanyang husay at talino. 15.65%
- Lalong titindi ang tensyon sa pagitan ng Samar at Balay groups. 53.06%
- Let’s see. 31.29%

Enjoy your weekend! Ingat!
Los Angeles Lakers for life!

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A YEAR AGO

Today is May 10, 2011. Exactly a year ago, the Philippines held its first ever automated elections. Everything has been on the upswing after that: the level of optimism, the flagdown rate for taxicabs, the fare for jeeps, the cost of fuel, the prices of basic commodities, and President Aquino’s net worth.

Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of the historic first-ever automated elections in the Philippines… or as Manny Villar, Mar Roxas, Loren Legarda, and Joseph Estrada would probably say, “babang-luksa.”

Today marks the first anniversary of the May 10, 2010 automated elections. It’s been a year… and Mar Roxas has yet to concede.

Remember the May 10, 2010 elections? It happened exactly a year ago. Remember the candidate you voted for president who promised he’d make your life easier? Me neither.

Mar’s Return
Reports say defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas will be appointed to a Cabinet position similar to a presidential chief of staff… or as members of the Balay Group would say but couldn’t, “Executive Secretary-in-waiting.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda admits he doesn’t know yet the exact job description of Mar Roxas. Among other things.

Apparently, Malacañang will be creating a new post to accommodate former Senator Mar Roxas… one year after he applied for the vacant post of vice president, and the electorate said, “We’ll just call you.”

Top 5 Rejected Job Descriptions of ex-Senator Mar Roxas

No. 5: Presidential Adviser on Heart-Related Matters

No. 4: Executive Secretary II: Weekends Only

No. 3: Chief Presidential BFF

No. 2: Vice President for Balay Concerns

And the No. 1 rejected job description of ex-Senator Mar Roxas…

First Lady

LRT/MRT Fare
The government deferred the proposed increase in train fares. Transportation Secretary Jose de Jesus said the timing was not good for a fare hike. Prices of basic commodities are rising and the President’s approval rating is plummeting.

Salceda Mad
President Aquino’s ally and former Arroyo economic adviser, Albay Governor Joey Salceda is blaming PAGASA for faulty weather forecast. Apparently, Salceda’s complaint has yet to reach President Aquino. Otherwise, PAGASA Acting Administrator Nathaniel Servando would be looking for a job in Australia right now.

Abu Members Caught
Two members of the Abu Sayyaf terror group have been arrested in Metro Manila. And President Aquino was like, “When is the SWS’ next survey?

One of the arrested members of the Abu Sayyaf Group was actually working as a security guard for the posh, multimillion-peso Pacific Tower Plaza… located at Abbottabad, Taguig City.

Another wanted member of the Abu Sayyaf Group was caught while on a date at Robinson’s Place in Ermita, Manila. The suspect’s date was his girlfriend No. 8.

Public Service
Are you looking for a job? Search no further. Al-Qaeda has just announced a vacancy.
——————————————————–
“Leadership is action, not position.”
~Donald H. McGannon

You Have Spoken
Manny Pacquiao: “I will wear yellow gloves as a symbol of unity, unity against poverty.” Your take:
- Mabuhay ka! Kasama mo ako sa labang ‘yan. 19.67%
- What the hell are you talking about? How? 67.54%
- No comment. 12.79%

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Still, Lakers.

UNANIMOUS

I WAS LIVE TWEETING during the Pacquiao-Mosley fight. Sharing you some of my tweets here:

If Sugar Shane Mosley were poverty, the Philippines would be a First World country by now!

All three judges scored the fight for Manny Pacquiao. It was a unanimous boredom.

You knew the bout would be lackluster… when Manny Pacquiao declared three days ago that he wanted to fight poverty instead.

Online reports say Jinkee Pacquiao was wearing a pair of 7-million peso dangling earrings during Manny’s fight. That only proved one thing. Like Manny, Jinkee hates poverty!

Sugar Shane Mosley and Manny Pacquiao had only nice words for each other after the fight. Mosley said Pacquiao was “fearless.” Pacquiao said Mosley was “friendly.”

To give you an idea of how lame Sugar Shane Mosley was, Manny Pacquiao‘s wife Jinkee was a hot trending topic on Twitter worldwide, Mosley was not.

By Round 5 the MGM Grand Garden Arena spectators started booing. The fight was mosley Manny.

By Round 6, it was all over… but the concert.

By Round 11, Mosley’s face was hardly recognizable; Pacquiao’s face was hardly affected. And Jinkee’s face hardly moved.

Manny Pacquiao won via unanimous decision against American Sugar Shane Mosley. And his critics ask: If he failed in knocking out Mosley, how do we expect him to knock out poverty?

Ten minutes after the fight, GMA7’s telecast started… giving Sugar Shane Mosley another crack at Manny. He still lost the fight. Sayang!

Interviewed on dzBB, Presidential Communications Secretary Herminio Coloma said, “Ang panawagan ni Manny ay magkaisa tayo. Dapat nating sundin ang panawagang ito.” You first.

Manny Pacquiao wore yellow gloves and blue trunks. The Samar Group hated it.

During the 12-round bout, it wasn’t Sugar Shane Mosley who posed a threat to Manny. It was that careless referee.

Manny Pacquiao’s next assignment? Probably, Juan Manuel Marquez. Sugar Shane Mosley’s next assignment? Probably a San Miguel Beer commercial.

After Pacquiao’s win over Sugar Shane Mosley, people started to ask, “Who will be next for Manny?” Well, that’s easy. Who’s aging?

“Dear Sugar Shane Mosley,
What the hell was that?
You hardly fought.
Who do you think you are, the Lakers?”
————————————————————————
“Boxing is the toughest and loneliest sport in the world.”
~Frank Bruno

Heavy Downpour
As I write this, it’s raining hard here in Makati City. Just last week, temperatures reached record highs. Now there’s a storm. I hate you MAY WEATHER! #pacmanforever

In Memoriam
BREAKING NEWS: At 6AM today, May 9 (Manila time), the 2010-2011 season of the L.A. Lakers expired. The coaching staff tried to revive it to no avail. The team succumbed to complications associated with old age and “trust issues.” The bereaved family of owner Dr. Jerry Buss would like to thank the Lakers community for their unwavering support. In lieu of brooms, ridicule, and mockery, the team is asking for prayers.

Thank you Lakers for the 2010-2011 memories. I’ll always be your No. 1 fan. “For good times & bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more… ”

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Enjoy the week ahead. Stay safe!
Let’s go Lakers!

YELLOW

IT’S ANOTHER HECTIC day for me. But I love Saturdays. It reminds me that I still have a job. Take that Merci Gutierrez!

I will be wearing yellow today. I want to end poverty.

I am tempted to place a bet on lotto this afternoon. The jackpot prize in the Grand Lotto (6/55) draw has reached 130 million pesos… or as Manny Pacquiao would say, “Barya lang.”

I know you’ll agree when I say that Manny Pacquiao is one heck of a lucky guy. He used to sell pan de sal, fell in love with boxing and now, he’s a billionaire. Pacman reminds me of another Manny. Villar used to sell fish, fell in love with the former Cynthia Aguilar, and now he’s a millionaire.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao will be wearing yellow gloves on fight night… formalizing his switch from Nacionalista to Liberal Party.

I saw former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza on television. He’s with Manny Pacquiao in Las Vegas. That’s actually good news. If Pacquiao loses, Atienza will be there to file a protest.

A member of Team Pacquiao suggested that Manny wears blue gloves but the fighting solon rejected it saying he’s not ready to lose.

Is President Aquino watching the Pacquiao-Mosley fight? I don’t think so. He’s currently in Indonesia for the 10th Asean summit. In other words, he’ll be working. Are you satisfied now Ramon Tulfo and Ernie Maceda?

In his Philippine Star column last May 5, former senator Ernesto Maceda advised President Aquino to “unwind in private houses away from the public view.” It worked for him, it could probably work for the President.

In case you missed Tulfo’s piece also last May 5, the Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist wrote that President Aquino “dates different women almost every night.” Huwaaaat? Have you become desperate? What’s wrong with you women?

As expected, President Aquino spoke to defend himself saying he’s no Juan Tamad. I feel bad for him. Where were you Conrado De Quiros and William Esposo when he needed you most?

By the way, al-Qaeda has confirmed the death of its leader Osama bin Laden. The question now is: when will the Abu Sayyaf Group confirm the death of Abu Sabaya?

Thanks for reading! I’ve got to go now! I have to finish my Maggi beef noodles before it gets cold. I wonder why my stomach seems to be acting up.

Have a safe weekend!
————————————————————————-
“There aren’t enough days in the weekend.”
~Rod Schmidt

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong patay na si Osama bin Laden?
OO naman! 45.97%
HINDI! Pruweba muna. 33.74%
MAYBE. 20.29%

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Still, Lakers.

HIGHS AND LOWS

Big Leap
President Barack Obama’s approval rating soared the day after Americans learned that Osama bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces. In fact, the 9-point ratings surge was enough to surpass the approval rating of Kate Middleton’s wedding gown.

Big Drop
According to the Social Weather Stations, the Aquino government’s net satisfaction rating plummeted to 46 percent in March from a record high 64 percent in the previous quarter. The President has ordered the AFP to start looking for a notorious terrorist to kill.

Osama, 54: A Postscript
President Obama has decided not to release gruesome photos of slain al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. But because of pressure from skeptics, he has ordered Vice President Jejomar Binay to do a survey on the issue.

This photo shows top US government officials inside the White House Situation Room during the strike on Osama bin Laden’s compound. This is how a Situation Room looks like; not the one we saw last August 2010 at Emerald Garden Restaurant.

Unconfirmed reports say militant group Greenpeace is not at all happy with Osama bin Laden’s burial. The group cited a law against dumping human waste at sea.

US authorities have reason to believe that a defeated presidential candidate from the Philippines was present during Osama bin Laden’s burial. This, after US soldiers spotted a volunteer distributing bracelets.

Q: Via text, what did Osama bin Laden tell Abu Sayyaf Group spokesman Abu Sabaya?
A: Sea you there.

From Baker to Billionaire 
Official records show Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is now the richest member of the House of Representatives. Another loss for the Villars.

Eight-division world champion Manny Pacquiao is the first billionaire member of Congress. And perhaps, the first and only multimillionaire solon who acquired his fortune through honest means.

Tearful Farewell
It was an emotional farewell for resigned Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Teary-eyed employees, colleagues, friends and everyone who loved her lined up to give her a hug. It got awkward though when retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia appeared and queued up too.

Resigned Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez announced her plan of putting up a website where ordinary people could report anomalous government transactions. Gutierrez made it clear though she’ll accept information only from unimpeachable sources.

Top 5 Rejected Domain Names for Outgoing Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s Website

No. 5: www.crushnirudyfariñasnoongcollege.ph

No. 4: www.walanamankayongsapatnaebidensya.gov

No. 3: www.ehdimagreklamokayosalolomongpanot.net

No. 2: www.myloyaltyiswithattorneyFG.org

And the No. 1 rejected domain name for outgoing Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s website…

www.studyingnoynoysEnticingoffertoturnstatewitness.com

Last Day
Outgoing Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez will step down on Friday, May 6. Her critics say “Dapat lang! Inupuan n’ya kasi ang maraming kaso.” To which her disappointed husband said, “’Buti pa ‘yong mga kaso.”

Hot!
On Wednesday, May 4, PAGASA recorded the year’s highest temperature . It was  a really hot day in Metro Manila. The only wet place yesterday was the Office of the Ombudsman.

The recorded temperature of 36.5 degrees Celsius on May 4th was the year’s highest so far. The weather was so hot… when Vicki Belo stepped outside, she melted.

And Wednesday’s weather was extremely hot, Sharon Cuneta stayed outside to burn some fat.

Weak
According to the 2010 Global Integrity Report, the Philippines is “very weak” in governance. “Dear Global Integrity Report, do us a favor please. Tell us something we didn’t know. Thank you.”

Wage Hike
Reports say the Employers Confederation of the Philippines is willing to give a P13.35 daily wage hike. Understandably, workers are up in arms. The amount can’t even buy Cornetto ice cream.

Charged!
Rosel Jakosalem Peñas, the female companion of actress Pilar Pilapil when she was attacked, has been charged with special complex crime of kidnapping with frustrated murder. Authorities have yet to arrest Peñas but Antipolo police are doing their best to locate her. In fact, they have started surveillance in Abbottabad.
——————————————————
“A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.”
~Richard Nixon

Balls in Trouble
A popular college hoopster from an even more popular school is in hot water for an alleged sex-related offense. That probably explains his absence from an ongoing tournament. The issue has been a hot topic in online forums for a couple of months now. Different versions of the story have surfaced. Even officials and players from other universities are well aware of the “situation.” Terms such as “rape,” “sexual harassment,” and even, “consensual” have been used in the heated online discussions. Not so surprisingly, the school is mum on the matter. And even the country’s most outspoken and talkative sportscasters have chosen to zip their lips. May pinu-protektahan? May pinapanigan? Paging Gabriela!

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Learn. Lead. Live. Laugh. Love. Los Angeles Lakers.
Enjoy the rest of the week.

OSAMA IN THE DEEPEST

MAY 1, 2011: AL QAEDA leader Osama bin Laden was killed in an operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan by US elite forces. Delighted by the successful operation, President Obama ordered the implementation of a salary increase for soldiers in June instead of July.

The whole world is talking about the death of terror leader Osama bin Laden. After last week’s Royal Wedding, Osama’s death is considered as another momentous global event… so huge that Merceditas Gutierrez thought of re-quitting her post yesterday.

In a statement following the death of Osama bin Laden, President Aquino called on the public “to remain vigilant and united in pursuing peace, pluralism, and collective efforts at security.” And then he blamed Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the growth of al-Qaeda.

Reports say US forces have buried slain al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden at sea… to the disappointment of his family and loyal supporters who were demanding that he be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Within 24 hours after his death, Osama bin Laden was reportedly buried at sea. S-L-N. Sumalaot nawa.

Osama bin Laden has been buried. Unfortunately, only one Filipino was able to attend the funeral. She was bin Laden’s yaya for 14 years.

Osama bin Laden is dead. In a statement, Joseph Estrada said he has forgiven bin Laden.

Osama bin Laden is dead. Terrorists all over the world are now collecting relics of the slain terrorist leader in preparation for his beatification next year.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed inside a fortified compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Elite American forces reportedly found a laptop inside the terror leader’s room. They confirmed it was owned by bin Laden because the computer history revealed he had been searching Google for tips on how to cook camel afritada, goat menudo, and sheep embotido.

Unconfirmed reports say days before he got killed, Osama bid Laden was asked by the Saudi government to go back home. Had he returned, he would have been offered a post in government – DILG secretary.

Osama bin Laden’s death has been confirmed. And Cesar Purisima was like, “Buti pa ‘yon.”

Donald Trump was overjoyed when he heard that the United States of America have killed terror leader Osama bin Laden. He noted that what George W. Bush failed to do as an American was accomplished by his successor, a Kenyan.

British Prime Minister David Cameron said Osama bin Laden’s demise would “bring great relief to people across the world”. For more than a decade, bin Laden has terrified many Britons. With his death, Brits would only have to deal with the terrifying hats of Princess Beatrice.

Osama bin Laden, the world’s Most Wanted Man is officially dead. That’s bad news for the world’s Second Most Wanted Man.

When news of Osama bin Laden’s death first came out, nobody believed it… except for Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Ladenn was finally located after a 10-year manhunt. There’s still hope for our local police. Roselle Jakosalem Peñas has only been missing for 20 days.

Briefly Noted
The month of May started with the news of Osama bin Laden’s death. It will end with the news of Friendster’s demise. Sad news for their followers.
————————————————
“We love death. The US loves life. That is the difference between us two.”
~Osama bin Laden

Photo of the Weak

Elsewhere
‘Rot in Hell’: The Best bin Laden Front Pages

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Dapat lang! Sana nga noon pa! 31.1%
Sayang. Sana umabot sa impeachment. 25.8%
Ang ganda ng gown ni Kate Middleton. In all fairness. 43.11%

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Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers. Peace everyone! 

May 2nd
On this day in…
1519: Leonardo Da Vinci died. With a smile.

1933: Adolf Hitler implemented Gleichschaltung – a policy that banned labor unions. Gleichschaltung is still in effect today… at SM malls.

1936: Engelbert Humperdinck was released and let go today, I mean born.

1974: The filming of “Jaws” began. Members of PETA protested the extended shooting hours for sharks.

1974: The filming of “Jaws” began. Members of PETA protested the negative portrayal of sharks.

1975: David Beckham kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

1994: Nelson Mandela claimed victory after South Africa’s first democratic elections. As of press time, Jamby Madrigal has yet to concede.

1994: Singer Michael Bolton was found to have plagiarized Isley Brothers’ “Love is a Wonderful Thing.” He was instantly named honorary member of the Supreme Court of the Philippines.

1999: Mireya Moscoso becomes the first woman to be elected President of Panama. A few years later, her son, Noynoy Moscoso also ran and won.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On This Day, and Today in History.

Have a great week ahead! Let’s go Lakers!