ANAK NG WEDDING!

The Royal Wedding
Prince William and Kate Middleton wed at Westminster Abbey in London Friday. The wedding ceremony was calm, peaceful, and orderly. However, the mass was briefly interrupted when the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered RH bill supporters to leave the Church because “it’s useless”.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge ride in a landau to Buckingham Palace after the Royal Wedding in London Friday. The newlyweds were supposed to ride a Porsche but William feared that doing so would pull down his approval and trust ratings.

Friday’s event in London was dubbed as a fairytale wedding. You have a future king, a future queen, and of course, a wicked witch. I’m not saying who. By the way, did you notice Camilla Parker Bowles’ hat?

Observers say the William and Kate romance is a Cinderella story. In fact, if you were watching closely, you would have noticed the pumpkin during the wedding. Here’s the photo.

Why Her?
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married Friday in London. A few weeks earlier, William proposed to Kate live on Wowowee.

Asked why she chose Kate, Prince William – to the surprise of the international media answered in Filipino, “Siya yung nagpatigil sa pagka-binata ko.”

By the way, to those who are asking: there’s no truth to rumors that William is running in the next elections.

Exchange of Vows
Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged vows at Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Everyone who was invited showed up. Observers noticed though that William forgot to invite some of his… hair.

Prince William and Kate Middleton were declared man and wife at London’s Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Donald Trump – who failed to catch the ceremony on TV refused to believe that the wedding actually happened and demanded that the couple produce a marriage certificate.

This just in: London has reported a 40 percent increase in the sales of hats on wedding day alone.

The World Watched
Fascinated by Friday’s historic London event, Sen. Loren Legarda is reportedly looking forward to having her own Royal Wedding. After all, she’s a monarch… butterfly.

According to the international media, what took place on Friday morning at Westminster Abbey was the “Wedding of the Century.” Just wait ‘til our very own Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion walk down the aisle! It will be the “Wedding of the Century… tuna.”

In Miami, LeBron James was up early to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. But the Heat star reportedly got pissed and turned off the TV during the exchange of vows. He got jealous of Kate’s ring.

Aquino on William & Kate
Through his spokesman Edwin Lacierda, President Aquino said Prince William and Kate Middleton “must make adjustments so that their marriage foundation can be established.” To which, William and Kate replied:“Thank you Archbishop Oscar Cruz!” .

April 29, 2011 was a historic day indeed. In London, Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. In Manila, Merceditas Gutierrez and the Office of the Ombudsman got divorced.

OMG Resigns
On Friday, April 29, 2011, embattled Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned. She read a prepared statement at a press conference held around 2pm. Unfortunately, she refused to answer questions from journalists, and immediately left… to attend a Royal Wedding viewing party.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s resignation drew mixed reactions from former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s allies. House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said, “One who retreats from a good fight does not deserve to be defended or supported.” Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez stated, “Her family could not endure the pressure and I agreed that resignation was her only choice.” Senator Miguel Zubiri said, “Hmpf! I wanted to wear pa naman that magenta toga. Kainezz!”

Professor Harry Roque, one of the first to call for the impeachment of Gutierrez is hoping that her replacement “will embrace the challenge for the Ombudsman to deal with human rights violations.” He then enumerated the human rights violations committed by the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas against his client, Banco Filipino.

News of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’ resignation reached Westminster Abbey. Did you know what the wedding guests said? “Hats off!”

Birth Certificate
President Barack Obama has released his birth certificate to prove that he was born in the United States. Critics weren’t satisfied though. They want him to release an alleged psychiatric report from college to prove that he’s fit to govern.

In Washington DC, the White House has released a document that proves that President Obama was born in the United States. Meanwhile, in Manila, Malacañang will release a document that will prove that Jejomar Binay is not the president of the Philippines.

Good News
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang has “good news” on Labor Day but he won’t reveal it yet. Be patient. It would leak.

Top 5 Pieces of “Good News” to be Announced by Malacañang on Labor Day

No. 5: More court cases against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

No. 4: President Aquino is going out with a new girl… but unlike the ladies he dated recently, this one’s into him.

No. 3: To complement the Pantawid Pasada cards for drivers, the government will distribute Pantawid Kusina cards for housewives, Pantawid Dagat for fisherfolks, Pantawid Kalsada for street children, and Pantawid Aliw for prostitutes.

No. 2: Prince William and Kate Middleton have chosen the Philippines as their honeymoon destination.

And the No. 1 piece of “good news” to be announced by Malacañang on Labor Day…

President Aquino is the son of Ninoy and he’s releasing a copy of his birth certificate to prove it.

Laperal Compound
The demolition of informal settlers at the Laperal compound in Makati City turned violent Thursday. In the morning, stubborn residents clashed with the police. In the afternoon, stubborn mayor Junjun Binay clashed with DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo.

Melendez vs. Meneses
Bulacan, Bulacan Mayor Patrick Meneses has filed a libel suit against his ex-girlfriend, actress and former Quezon City councilor Aiko Melendez for allegedly spreading rumors he’s gay. Meneses then excused himself from the press saying he needs to go home to catch the latest episode of Glee.

In support of their “maligned” colleague, local executives in Bulacan have signed a resolution declaring former Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez persona non grata in the whole province. Sought for comment, Melendez says she has yet to consult a lawyer and a dictionary.
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“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

You Have Spoken
Ano ang pinaka-tinututukan mong local all-news channel?
-AksyonTV (TV5) 4.03%
-ANC (ABS-CBN) 33.21%
-GMA News TV (GMA 7) 34.74%
-Depende sa palabas. I switch channels. 28.02%

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Have a safe weekend! Let’s go Lakers!

HOW TWEET IT IS

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1: Pantawid Pasada
- Temporaryong solusyon sa malalang problema
- Pumili ka: meron o wala?
Halimbawa:
Driver: Mahal na Pangulo, hirap na hirap na kaming mga drivers. Sa taas ng gas, wala na kaming kinikita.
Pangulo: ’Wag kayong mag-alala. Dahil kayo ang boss ko, heto ang Pantawid Pasada – isang card na may lamang P1,050 good for one month. That’s 1,050 pesos divided by 30 days= 35 pesos. Kalahating kilong asukal ‘din ‘yan! How sweet ‘di ba!

2: Rollback
- Lantarang panggogoyo
- Bulok, luma at kumitang istilo ng mga kompanya ng langis upang matiyak na kalmado ang gobyerno at ang publiko
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Sir, magkano ba ang iro-rollback n’yo sa presyo ng langis?
Oil firm spokesman: Depende ‘yan. Kung ang presyo ay tumaas ng 60 centavos per liter, ‘tapos biglang nag-ingay ang mga militante, 40 centavos kada litro ang rollback. Two weeks from now, magtataas ulit kami ng 50 centavos per liter. Kapag umalma ang Department of Energy, siyempre, kailangang mag-rollback ng 30 centavos. The amount to be rolled back is directly proportional to the scale of protests.

“I tweet therefore I am.”
The Professional Heckler intercepted the following posts on Twitter. Enjoy reading while he verifies the authenticity of each tweet.

Eraption
Maluwag ang pakiramdam kapag nagpapatawad. Kahit ganun ang ginawa ni @Chef_Ping sa akin, i have forgiven him!

CongGMA
@elena_horn pls draft a statement. ayaw talaga akong tantanan ng mga ‘yan. plunder naman ngayon. call @FrankDuque. ihanda n’ya ‘ka mo ang mga dokumento.

Chef_Ping
i just read the statement of the former president in today’s paper. forgiven? why? did i seek his forgiveness? tigilan ako.

FrankDuque
@CongGMA ako ang bahala ma’am. relax lang kayo. malalampasan natin ito. okiduque?

MerciFull
@CongGMA hi ma’am. the plunder case they filed against you is laughable, baseless, ridiculous, absurd, desperate, and preposterous. be strong ma’am. regards to @attymike.

Eraption
@Chef_Ping matigas ka pa rin. kaya ka kinakarma eh. di ka marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob.

CongGMA
@MerciFull uy! nagbago ka na ng Twitter account? wala na ‘yong @MerciGutsy? samahan mo ulit ako sa gym later. see yah!

Chef_Ping
i rather cook adobo than dignify the diatribe of a has-been politician. tama ba ako @angtunaynamichaelrayaquino? hahaha musta ka na friend? can’t wait for your extradition.

angtunaynamichaelrayaquino
@Chef_Ping ‘tang-ina. hahaha malas talaga. hindi pinansin ng korte ang appeal ko. kitakits bro!

Eraption
o, bakit nakakalaya pa ‘yang si gloria? bakit ako noon, dinakip kaagad matapos kasuhan ng plunder? hindi man lang ako nakaligo no’n. unfair naman yata ‘yan.

CongGMA
@Eraption bitter ka pa rin. mag-move on ka na. paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi mo.

TheRealNoynoy
kakatapos lang ipaayos ang kotse. sumadsad eh. ang kulit kasi ni @SayChiz. ang bilis magpatakbo!

SayChiz
@TheRealNoynoy o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
pssst! idelete mo ‘yang tweet na ‘yan! baka kumalat. RT @SayChiz o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
@MrPalengke excited ka na? malapit nang matapos ang 1-year ban sa mga losers, este, non-winners. joke lang. ano bang gusto mong puwesto?

MrPalengke
@TheRealNoynoy teka lang. I have to consult @Rated_K. hon, ano bang gusto mo?

Rated_K
@MrPalengke any post will do hon. as long as we’re in power. btw, hon did you hear the chismis about @SayChiz? five months na raw hiwalay? karma.

SayChiz
@RatedK leave us alone! may alam din ako tungkol kay @MrPalengke! baka ma-shock ka kapag nalaman mo!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, stop it na! ‘wag na nating pakialaman ang buhay ni @SayChiz. enjoy your stay na lang in the vatican.

TheRealNoynoy
Congratulations @LDLima for getting the highest performance rating among cabinet members in the recent sws survey.

Chef_Ping
eh pa’no di magna-number 1 sa survey ‘yan, lahat na lang ng isyu, sinalihan. buwakaw sa publicity.

LDLima
@Chef_Ping don’t make this personal. let’s stick to the issue. baka nakakalimutan mo, hindi pa tapos ang usapin! @karinadacer and family deserve justice.

Gatdula_NBIChief
@LDLima sorry ma’am but i gotta say this. that’s not how you treat our future DILG secretary. the good senator deserves an apology.

Simply_Jesse_DILG
@Gatdula_NBIChief may alam ka bang hindi ko alam? am i on my way out? @TheRealNoynoy pakisagot please.

TheRealNoynoy
punye*a! humina ang signal ng broadband ko. brb. tweet you all later.

Official_Balay
SWS Performance Rating: Atty. Edwin Lacierda:43% and Sec. Ricky Carandang:36% vs. Sec. Herminio Coloma:31 percent. Therefore, Balay, 2: Samar, 0. ‘Nuff said.

Official_Samar
@Official_Balay 2-0?!? Patawa! Ipinagmamalaki n’yo ang 43 at 36 percent? How about this: Vice President Jejomar Binay (Samar Group): 83 percent! Pagsamahin n’yo man ang ratings n’yo, taob pa rin kayo! Hahahahaha!

Jojo_OchoOcho
thank you guys for the trust. nasa top 5 ako sa sws survey. sabi sa news, “biggest gainer.” yey!

RatedK
akalain mo ‘yon? wala na ngang ginagawa nasa top 5 pa?! ang lakas ng tsamba! i’m sure, magpapainom ‘yan!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, ‘di ba sabi ko, tama na? pati ba naman ‘yong lasenggong ‘yon pinapatulan mo pa? focus ka na lang sa coverage mo ng beatification ni pope john paul II. malay mo, mabawasan pa ang kasalanan mo. jooooke! miss you hon. mwah!

Free_Willie
malapit na akong bumalik. mas masayang show, mas maraming games, mas malaking papremyo. hindi tayo kayang ibagsak ng @abscbn. abangan ang pagbabalik ni janjan sa sarili niyang segment: Machonuring Bata Portion!

ABSCBNews
Today’s top story: Groups file child abuse raps vs. Willie Revillame, Willing Willie

Free_Willie
@ABSCBNews eh di magreklamo kayo sa lolo n’yong panot. hahaha

TeyVeeeeeeeee_Patrollll
Tanong ng TVP: Dapat bang bumalik sa telebisyon si Willie? A. Huwag na! B. No way! Tweet your vote now or txt TVP (space) A or B and send to 2666 for all networks except TV5.

CBCFee
if there are pro-RH bill inside the church, go out! it’s useless! terrorists! condoms kill the innocents. no to rh bill! no to condoms!

GymParedes
@CBCFee millions of my sperm cells die thrice a week (ok ok, twice a week lang). so i’m a terrorist now?

CBCFee
@GymParedes become a bishop first, then let’s talk.

INC_10%
RH Bill FTW! Wohoo!

CBCFee
@INC_10% whateverrrrrrrr!

CongressmanPacquiao
and huuuuuu em i to jads u on what u say or do? I’m onli jazz beginning… 2 c the reeel u. in sometime wen wii tats. tisting lang! hihihi hindi ako maka-concentrit sa rekurding eh. laging nakabuntut si dianne. feeling ko nga siya ang nanay ku! juk lang. hihihi

GMANews
Abangan sa 24 Oras: Ang schedule ng pag-utot at pagdumi ni Prince William, dalawang araw bago siya ikasal! Exclusive!

A_N_C
First look! Kate Middleton releases photos of her first ever sanitary napkin! Exclusive!

TV5_AksyonTV
Abangan! Ang isusuot na boxer briefs ni Prince William sa kanilang honeymoon! Exclusive!

Pearly_Shell
@Chevron magkano bang itataas natin next week? 40 o 50 centavos? decide na kasi tayo. can we discuss this over dinner with @Petron?

Petron
@Pearly_Shell @Chevron itodo na natin! madali namang magrollback if ever. game?

Chevron
@Petron @Pearly_Shell why not? merry christmas guys! tiba-tiba na naman! see you later!

Piston
@Petron @Pearly_Shell @Chevron tang-i*a n’yo! mga buwaya kayo!

HighEnergyDepartment
@Piston mag-apologize ka! ‘wag mong binabastos sina @Petron @Pearly_Shell & @Chevron! malaki ang tulong nila sa ekonomiya!

iAm_MarleneAguilar
@JudgeVargas how could u cite me 4 contempt when i just told the truth? wala kang bayag! ‘yang sex organ mo wala ring helmet! come on! fight me! you made life for Jsin miserable. i won’t stop until i see u rot in Hades. come on! fight me!

Aiko_M
i swear i didn’t start the rumor na bakla si bulacan, bulacan mayor patrick meneses! stop dragging me into this ka-cheapan. break na kami but no, i won’t speak ill of her, i mean him.

PatMeneses_Bulacan
@Aiko_M sa korte ka na magpaliwanag bruha ka! kung anu-ano ang ikinakalat mong tsismis about me! i will sue you! bitch!

CongressmanPacquiao
i wanna hold u tell i die. tell we boat brick down en cry. i wanna hold u tell the fair in me subsiiiiiiide… salamat sa supurta! || pwidi ba, tigilan mu muna ang pagsunud sa akin @diannecastilliju? maliligu na aku! gave me a break!
—————————————————
“We have, I fear, confused power with greatness.”
~Stewart Udall

In Memoriam: Friendster
“On May 31, Friendster will move to wipe out all photos, blogs, comments and groups uploaded or created by its users.”

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Enjoy the rest of the week. Ingat!

April 26th
On this day in…

1785: Ornithologist John James Audubon was born. To the utter shock of his mother and the attending physician, Baby John James didn’t cry. He chirped.

1921: Weather broadcasts were heard for the first time on radio. Unfortunately, the forecast was inaccurate and the chief weatherman was ordered sacked by the president. He then resigned and sought employment in Australia.

1928: Madame Tussauds’ waxworks exhibition opens in London… with special guests Vicki Belo and Gretchen Barretto.

1964: Tanganyika and Zanzibar merged to form Tanzania… eventually inspiring the likes of Brangelina, TomKat, and Kimerald.

1986: American journalist Maria Shriver weds Arnold Schwarzenegger… in the world’s first ever union between man and machine.

1986: The world’s worst nuclear disaster occurred at Chernobyl in Kiev, Ukraine … forcing the suspension of classes in PUP.

SINGLE

Aquino & Cruz
President Aquino still refuses to comment on Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz’ advice for him to stay single. When it comes to romance, the President listens to Mother Mary – the only virgin he trusts.

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, CBCP president and Tandag Bishop Nereo Odchimar called on the public to “not be selfish as to deprive others of their right to live.” And then, in his personal Easter text message to Archbishop Cruz, he asked him to “not be selfish as to deprive Noynoy of his right to love.”

Maundy Thursday
President Aquino and his Cabinet staged a modern version of the Last Supper last Thursday. DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman fed the apostles. Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa drank all the wine.

Easter Sunday
The Philippine National Police and the NBI played Easter egg hunt on Sunday. As expected, they failed to locate the eggs.

Visita Iglesia
With more than 130,000 page views, the CBCP’s Visita Iglesia website was a huge hit. That’s not surprising though since it’s the only place where Catholics could mute or stop a bishop during a sermon.

According to the CBCP, more than 130,000 joined Visita Iglesia online. Catholics actually liked the experience. They had the chance to reflect between tweets.

Pacquiao’s Single
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is training hard to punish Sugar Shane Mosley on May 7. But before that, he is set to punish us all with the global release of  “Sometimes When We Touch” on April 28.

Singer/songwriter Dan Hill says Many Pacquiao’s recording of “Sometimes When We Touch” “was like wow!” To put that in perspective, Hill was paid millions of dollars  in royalty.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao is releasing the single “Sometimes When We Touch” globally on April 28. Your days are numbered… Rebecca Black!

Bieber Blunder
During a concert in Malaysia last April 21, international teen pop star Justin Bieber greeted the crowd, “Hello Manila!” To be fair to Justin, he thought he was in Sabah.
————————————-
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
~Emo Philips

April 24th
On this day in…

1982: Kelly Clarkson was born. The attending physician said Kelly was in her element. And her first cry… was perhaps the best cry of the night in that hospital. She really made it her own.

1942: Barbra Streisand was born. Baby Barbra weighed 5 lbs… and that was her nose alone!

1998: ABC confirmed that it was canceling the TV series “Ellen.” Ellen DeGeneres then met with GMA 7’s Felipe Gozon for a possible transfer but TV5’s Manny Pangilinan had a better offer.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. After the inauguration, he went straight to a street party and performed on stage with his college friends.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope. Everyone was invited to the inaugural… except for Chief Justice Renato Corona.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. The event started a bit early so the Vatican had to ask Noel Cabangon to sing a couple more songs.

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa rekomendasyon ng Ombudsman na kasuhan sina Bolante, Lorenzo, atbp kaugnay ng fertilizer fund scam?
Puwede na rin ‘yon. At least, kakasuhan. 25.27%
Bakit ngayon lang? Huli na! Gimmick lang ‘yan. 69.35%
Wala akong pakialam. 5.38%

Bonus!
Narito ang pampasuwerteng hula para sa inyo ngayong Easter Sunday! Right click here.

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Have a wonderful and safe week ahead!

REFLECTIONS

NAGSIMULA NA ANG bakasyon ng mga bituin pero dahil mainit pa rin ang mga usapin, narito ang kanilang bonus na mga pangitain – Holy Week Edition!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Magpapako ka sa krus. Habang nakapako, magpa-press con at ihayag sa media: “Hinding-hindi ako bababa sa puwesto.” Maraming matutuwa sa ‘yo!

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Dahil sinimulan mo na rin lang noong Lunes Santo, panindigan mo na ang pagiging “marriage counselor” mo. ‘Yan na lang kasi ang titindig sa ‘yo.

Pangulong Aquino
Kung binabantaan ka nila ng excommunication, bantaan mo sila ng taxcommunication. ‘Wag pasindak. Takutan lang ‘yan.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Hindi mo na kailangang mag-Visita Iglesia. Proven na naman ‘di ba?. Nanalo ka pa rin kahit si Mar ang inendorso nila.

Ex-Senator Mar Roxas
Samantalahin ang nalalabing araw ng bakasyon. Less than a month na lang, puwede ka nang magtrabaho sa palasyo. Pag-isipan ang mga iniaalok na puwesto… ngunit tanggihan ang offer na maging First Lady ng Pangulo. It’s just awkward pare!

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-isip, magmuni-muni, at magtanong: hanggang kailan ko susuportahan si Merci Gutierrez? Paano ko maibabalik ang tiwala ng tao? Dapat ko bang ishare ang aking beauty secrets? Bahala ka na.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Samantalahin ang Senate recess. Aralin ang pagluluto ng ibang putahe. Nakakaumay na ang adobo mo kasi. Tse!

Marlene Aguilar a.k.a. Jason Ivler’s mother
Hindi kayang basahin ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. May sarili ka kasing mundong ginagalawan. Heto na lang ang sampung piso, bili ka ng kausap mo!

Willie Revillame
Ilang araw na lang at matatapos na ang iyong bakasyon from television. Why not extend it? Say, for… ever?

And finally…
Cong. Mikey Arroyo
Matutuloy ang plano mong pagpapapako sa krus sa Pampanga. Pero huwag umasang mapapagitna ka. Either sa kanan o sa kaliwa ka ng bida. Alam mo na!

In the News:
According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, it would be better for President Noynoy Aquino to remain single. Just in case you missed it, Cruz is the self-appointed presidential adviser on heart concerns.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says people who get hitched at age 40 or above usually end up having unstable marriages. In totally unrelated news, Mar and Korina have canceled their plan to hear mass today.

TV Patrol Poll
A TV Patrol survey last Tuesday revealed that 62 percent of viewers wanted President Aquino to marry. The rest were bishops.

Christmas/Easter
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 57 of Filipinos consider Christmas more important than Easter Sunday. The rest grew up without a ninong/ninang. #bitter

The Last Supper
A Cambridge University research suggests the Last Supper, traditionally marked by Christians on Maundy Thursday actually took place on a Wednesday. Another research reveals Good Friday was actually bad.

Based on the research conducted at Cambridge University, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation, and separate trials did not all take place on one night only. He was able to get a TRO for 24 hours day.

A new research reveals that the Last Supper actually took place on a Wednesday not on Maundy Thursday. You know what that means? Starting next year, Wednesday will be a holiday! Yehey!
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“There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.”
~George Bernard Shaw

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!

Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. – FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  – Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. – Senator Chiz.”
—————————————————–
“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!

HOLY WEAK 2011

Modernong Talasalitaan:
Holy Week Edition
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1. Mahal na Araw
Ang karaniwang tawag sa huling pitong araw ng Kuwaresma o Lent.
Tumutukoy rin sa sitwasyong kinasasadlakan ngayon ng maraming Pilipino.
Halimbawa:
Lalaki 1: Pareng Cesar, pahiram naman ng 500, pambili lang ng gatas ni Junior.
Lalaki 2: Pasensya na pareng Andoy. Kulang pang pambili ng bigas at asukal ang pera ko eh. Mahal na Araw kasi. Nagtaasan nang lahat.

2. Penitensya
Isang tradisyong ginagawa ng mga Katoliko tuwing Semana Santa.
Tumutukoy rin sa pang-araw-araw na karanasan ng mga ordinaryong Pilipino dahil sa kabiguan ng kasalukuyang pamahalaang pigilan ang pagtaas ng presyo ng gasolina at bilihin, toll rate, pamasahe sa taxi, tren, jeep, at tricycle, gayundin ang bayarin sa tubig at kuryente,
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Mang Mario, magpi-penitensya ho ba kayo ngayong Biyernes Santo?
Lalaki: Bakit? Hindi pa ba sapat ang araw-araw na penitensya ko? Give me a break, would you? (Sa sobrang inis, nag-Ingles tuloy si Mang Mario)

3. Kalbaryo
Ang lugar kung saan namatay si Jesus ayon sa Bibliya.
Tumutukoy rin sa lugar na kinaroroonan ngayon ng malaking populasyon ng mga Pilipino.
Halimbawa:
Teacher: Kulasa De La Cruz! Where do you live?
Pupil: Good morning ma’am! Sabi po ng nanay at tatay ko, nasa kalbaryo daw po kami.
Teacher: Very good! Pareho tayo! O s’ya, bili ka na ng tocino ko.

4. Visita Iglesia
Isang tradisyong ginagawa ng mga Katoliko tuwing Mahal na Araw.
Tumutukoy rin sa tradisyong ginagawa ng mga trapo tuwing panahon ng eleksyon.
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Congressman, sa’n ang lakad n’yo? Bihis na bihis kayo ah.
Congressman: Ahhh d’yan lang. Magbi-Visita Iglesia ako. Alam mo naman kung gaano kahalaga ang bloc voting ‘di ba?

Semana Santa
It’s that annual Roman Catholic tradition again. As in the previous years, some political figures and government officials are participating in various Holy Week activities.

Former AFP chiefs of staff Efren Abu, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva are organizing a senakulo. They want former military budget officer George Rabusa to play Judas.

The Ligot couple has been reportedly dropped from a senakulo production in their community. They keep forgetting their lines.

There’s a brewing competition between the AFP and Congress in this year’s passion play. Only two are required to play the role of thieves but so many are qualified for the part.

In Makati City, the senakulo will feature Vice President Jejomar Binay… in a special role in which he will attempt to stop the crucifixion of Jesus. In the end though, he’s going to fail.

Retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia is playing Barabbas. He looks forward to striking a deal with Pontius Pilate for a lesser offense.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile auditioned for several roles but was rejected repeatedly. Organizers say he is best suited to play Methuselah but that’s not one of the characters in the play.

President Aquino has declined an invitation to participate in a modern senakulo in Tarlac. In one of the scenes, he is required to decide where to bury Hestas, one of the thieves. So as not to disappoint the organizers, he asked Vice President Binay to decide for him instead.

In the news…

Vice President Jejomar Binay visited actress Pilar Pilapil in the hospital last Saturday. Binay told her, “’Wag kang mag-alala, iso-solve ito ng pulis.” To which, Pilapil said, “Salamat po Mr. DILG secretary!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay visited alleged carjacking, and stabbing victim Pilar Pilapil in the hospital last Saturday. In totally unrelated news, Mar Roxas is planning to visit the wake of teen actor AJ Perez soon.

Probers say the stabbing of actress Pilar Pilapil could possibly be a case of carjacking, kidnapping or plain robbery. In short, “we’re not sure.”

Marcos Burial
As instructed by President Aquino, Vice President Binay is now studying the issue of whether or not former President Ferdinand Marcos should be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Binay is conducting a survey via email or text message. Ang tanong: Saan ninyo gustong itirik ang dating pangulo?

Just Now
The Ombudsman has recommended the filing of charges against former Agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante, former Agriculture chief Cito Lorenzo and several others for the alleged misuse of the government’s fertilizer funds. In totally unrelated news, the Vatican is filing charges against those responsible for the death of Jesus Christ.

Black Saturday
President Aquino is studying whether to declare April 23, Black Saturday a holiday. If by Tuesday, he couldn’t still come up with a decision, he’ll just ask Vice President Jejomar Binay to decide.

Briefly Noted
Did she change her birth name? According to the Philippine Star’s tabloid, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pilar Pilapil’s real name is Crispina Martinez-Belen. Ano raw? The only Crispina Martinez-Belen I know is the entertainment editor of the Manila Bulletin. To the reporter and editor of Pilipino Star Ngayon, naimbento na po ang Google. Libre po ito. Gamitin n’yo.

—————————————————–
“All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.”
~Cathy Ladman

In Memoriam
Antonello Joseph “AJ” Perez
February 17, 1993 – April 17, 2011
The ABS-CBN teen star was killed in a vehicular accident in Tarlac before dawn Sunday, April 17, 2011. His last post on Twitter reads, “On the way home already from Dagupan. Long drive ahead.”

Long drive ahead indeed. RIP AJ.

You Have Spoken
Gusto mo bang bumalik sa telebisyon si Willie Revillame?
- Oo naman. Pagbigyan natin. Promise, last na ‘to. 12.16%
- Isang malaking NOOOO! ‘Di siya kawalan sa TV. 73.56%
- Wala akong pakialam. 14.29%

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Have a safe and less-naughty week ahead!

THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE WILLIE

APRIL 15 is the deadline for the filing of income tax return (ITR). President Aquino has reportedly filed his own ITR earlier this week. Under liability, he wrote, “Communications Group.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay has also settled his obligations with the tax agency. His ITR revealed he made more money than President Aquino. Quizzed by the media on the matter, Binay said, “Bakit? Sino bang mas maraming nagawa?!”

Good News, Bad News
Good News: Umento sa sahod ipapatupad sa Mayo ayon sa gobyerno.
Bad News: Aanhin mo ang umento kung wala namang trabaho?

Good News: Pangulong Aquino magtatrabaho daw sa Holy Week.
Bad News: Humihingi siya ng overtime pay! #waley!

Good News: Sabi ng palasyo, “walang krisis sa bigas!”
Bad News: Sabi ng mga tao, “walang pambili ng bigas!”

Good News: Willie Revillame, mawawala nang two weeks!
Bad News: Two weeks lang.

Good News: Willie Revillame, mawawala nang dalawang linggo
Bad News: Atty. Lenard De Vera, papalit daw muna sa show! #toingkz!

Good News: Pangulong Aquino, tahimik sa isyu ng coco levy funds ni Danding Cojuangco
Bad News: Bakit good news? Anong good news do’n?

The News: Pangulong Aquino, tahimik sa isyu ng coco levy funds ni Danding Cojuangco
Bad News: Blood is thicker than hair.

Good News: Kris Aquino, ayaw na raw sa pag-ibig!
Bad News: ‘Pag-ibig’ mas ayaw sa kanya!

Good News: Pangulong Aquino, kasamang nananghalian ang Bb. Pilipinas-Universe na si Shamcey Supsup
Bad News: Shamcey, ayaw ibigay ang cell number! #toingkz!

Ano ang iniisip ng babae/lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Kung makapisil naman ‘tong matandang ‘to, halatang sabik na sabik!”
B: “Wala ka bang planong maging reporter o newscaster?”
C: “Ay, bakit parang malagkit? Ano kaya ang huling hinawakan nito?”
D: “Join me later iha. Joyride tayo.”

CBCP and McDo
McDonald’s has stopped the airing of its latest television advertisement after Catholic Church leaders complained that it was sending the wrong message to children. Last Monday, a statement expressing disapproval of the ad was released by the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines otherwise known as the Advertising Standards Council.

Girlfriend mo na ba ako?
Ayoko nga. ‘Di pa ako ready eh.
Huh?
Demanding ang mga girlfriend. Gusto ganito. Gusto ganyan. Ewan!
Gusto ko lang naman ng fries.
Talaga?

[Pari at sakristan, nag-uusap.]

Polluted
According to the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, the most polluted area in Metro Manila is around the MRT Edsa/Taft station in Pasay City. In second place is radio host Raffy Tulfo’s mouth.

Venus Hurt
Beauty queen-turned-TV host Maria Venus Raj whose hairstyle during the Bb. Pilipinas 2011 telecast was lambasted by critics online admitted that she was deeply hurt by the negative comments on Twitter. Venus declined to elaborate, excused herself and said, “Mauna na po ako. Late na po ako sa prusisyon.”

In Hollywood…
Despite the controversies, criticisms, and ridicule, Charlie Sheen is reportedly making a TV comeback. He couldn’t say no to Manny Pangilinan.

Reports say Catherine Zeta Jones has checked into a mental health clinic. The actress suffered a nervous breakdown following the arrest of her son, Jason Ivler Jones.
————————————————-
“The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away.”
~John S. Coleman on Taxation

April 15th
On this day in…

1999: Former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto & her husband, Asif Ali Zardari were convicted of corruption. Their son, Mikey Bhutto Zardari was charged with tax evasion.

Personal
Congratulations to both GMA7 and ABS-CBN for bagging awards in the 2011 New York Festivals. GMA won a silver and two bronze, while ABS-CBN won a silver and a bronze. Here’s the complete list of this year’s winners.

Yari Ka!
Is the president of the Czech Republic a pen stealer?

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ma-suspend ang programa ni Willie Revillame dahil sa “macho dancing” incident?
- Dapat lang! 67.92%
- Hindi na. Warningan na lang. 17.55%
- Bahala na ang MTRCB. 14.53%

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(Note: Shamcey Supsup and President Aquino/Official palace photo.)

UNO

UP’s Best
Math major John Gabriel Pelias of UP Diliman who is graduating summa cum laude this weekend has a general weighted average (GWA) of 1.016. According to close friends, John Gabriel is very studious but not geeky. He comes from a poor family, hates smoking, and doesn’t fool around with girls. Sorry John, you cannot be president.

UP’s valedictorian this year, John Gabriel Pelias has a general weighted average of 1.016. When Erap heard this, he said, “Whaaat?! Weighted average of 1.016?!? Grabe naman! Ano ‘yon? Kilos o pounds?”

John Gabriel’s GWA of 1.016 eclipsed the highest post-war GWA held since 1948 by professor emeritus Emerenciana Yuvienco Arcellana. A friend from college said, had she known there was a record to beat, she would have aimed for it.

Not True
Reacting to rumors that President Aquino is smitten with Singapore-based reporter Sabrina Chua, presidential spokesperson and Bb. Pilipinas 2011 pageant judge Edwin Lacierda insists, “There’s no truth to that!” To which, Sabrina Chua said, “Gee, thanks!”

Extemporaneous
During Monday’s Student Catholic Action of the Philippines national leaders’ conference, President Aquino talked extemporaneously after ditching a prepared speech saying, “I did not like the speech prepared for me.” Asked why, he replied, “the speech sucks.”

Missing Ecleo
Graft convict, murder suspect, and Dinagat, Surigao del Norte Rep. Ruben Ecleo has reportedly gone into hiding. You know what that means? A year from now, another lawmaker will be demonstrating his cooking skills on TV!

Jobs Fair
The Labor Department is organizing a jobs fair on May 1, Labor Day. This is a piece of good news for working students, fresh graduates, and deputy ombudsmen.

NDF and Facebook
The National Democratic Front says the local Communist movement is using Facebook as a tool to promote their revolution. In fact, in the NDF’s Like Page, the farmers in Farmville are all members of the Kilusang Magbubukid ng Pilipinas.

Bb. Pilipinas 2011
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda was one of the judges in the recently concluded Bb. Pilipinas 2011 pageant. During the Q&A portion, he said, “You ladies are making life difficult for the judges.” And one candidate was like, “Ah, forget it! We’re nothing compared to your government who is making life difficult for all of us.”
————————————————–
“Pure mathematics is the world’s best game. It is more absorbing than chess, more of a gamble than poker, and lasts longer than Monopoly. It’s free. It can be played anywhere – Archimedes did it in a bathtub.”
~~Richard J. Trudeau

Elsewhere…
Philippine Daily Inquirer: ‘Flat uno’

GMA News: Social media’s role in Willie’s downfall

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IKAW NA NGA!

“NITONG MGA NAKARAANG ARAW, marami pong tumitira sa akin lalo na sa Twitter. Nanahimik lang ako. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Sina Aiza Seguerra, Lea Salonga, Jim Paredes, Agot Isidro, Bianca Gonzales, K Brosas, Tuesday Vargas, Mylene Dizon, Thia Megia, Maria Aragon at ang buong Talent Center ng ABS-CBN… lahat sila nakikisawsaw po sa isyu! Bakit? Ano ba ang nagawa n’yo para sa sambayanang Pilipino? Ano ba ang naitulong n’yo sa ating mga kababayan?

Subukan n’yong lumabas sa gate at mamigay ng pera sa mahihirap, sa special children, sa matatanda, at sa mga nangangailangan! ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong gawin, hindi ‘yong tira kayo nang tira, at Twitter kayo nang Twitter, mga walang career!

Ikaw Jim Paredes, matagal mo na akong tinitira. Sa Friendster pa lang tinitira mo na ako. Get elected first as barangay captain, then let’s talk. Ikaw naman Lea Salonga, Ingles ka nang Ingles! Akala mo ba ‘di ko naiintindihan ang mga tweets mo!? Nagkakamali ka! Dalawa ang dictionary ko sa bahay! At ikaw Tuesday Vargas! Kapatid mo ‘ko, huwag mo akong tirahin. For your information, sa aking show galing ang ipinapasuweldo sa ‘yo! And you, Aiza Seguerra! Hindi ka magkakaanak, tandaan mo ‘yan! Pagdating ng panahon, mauunawaan mo ako! And finally, ikaw Maria Aragon, ‘di ba exploitation ang ginagawa sa ‘yo? Kumakanta kang kasama si Lady Gaga na nakapanty at nakabra lang! Sino ngayon ang nang-aabuso?

‘Yang DSWD at Commission on Human Rights, hinusgahan agad nila ako! Napakaraming dapat asikasuhin pero ako ang tanging nakita nila. Ikaw Secretary Soliman, maraming street children sa streets! Unahin mo sila! At ‘yang highlights mo, ‘di na uso ‘yan!

Sa Human Rights commissioner, maraming OFWs po ang nakakulong! Asikasuhin n’yo muna ang mga kababayan nating tulad ni Ronald Singson bago n’yo ‘ko tirahin!

Pinag-iinitan n’yo ba ako dahil si Vetellano Acosta ang sinuportahan ko noong eleksyon? I will stick with him dahil amusing siya!

Kayong lahat na tumira sa akin, hahanapin ko ang mga tweets n’yo! Kahit wala akong Twitter, hahanapin ko pa rin! Idi-demanda ko kayo! Humanda kayo! Idi-demanda ko kayo!

Aaminin ko, ilang advertisers na rin ang nag-pull out ng kanilang commercials. Masakit po ang ginawa nila. ‘Yang Mang Inasal na ‘yan, napakasama ng asal! Nang-iiwan sa ere. ‘Yong Procter & Gamble, sobrang personal ng sulat n’yo. Pati hair and make up ko, pinapakialaman n’yo. Wala naman akong hinangad kundi ang magpasaya ah. Hindi po ako nang-abuso o nang-molestya. Nasa edad na ‘yong mga seksing dancers! Pumayag sila! At ‘yong mahigit pitumpung namatay sa Ultra, hindi ko kasalanan ‘yon! Kasalanan ng ABS-CBN ‘yon! Gusto nila ng ratings, ayun, tumaas ang ratings ng newscast nila.

Sa ABS-CBN, alam n’yong totoo ang sinasabi ko! Hindi ako natatakot sa inyong demanda. Marami akong lalabas na witness. Kay Mr. M, Johnny Manahan, salamat sa ‘di mo pagtalikod sa akin. Lipat ka na kasi rito! Tara na!

Kay MVP, you’re the best! Maraming salamat sa iyong suporta. Akala ko noong una, iiwan mo rin ako dahil sa pressure ng Inquirer, ng mga columnists, civil society, at ng mayayamang tao sa Twitter at Facebook. Pero mali ang aking akala. Surprisingly, suportado mo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. Apir!

Magpapahinga po muna ako sa susunod na dalawang linggo. Dadalhin ko muna ang yate ko sa Boracay. Pag-iisipan ko pa kung babalik ako sa industriyang ito.

Ipagdasal po ninyo na sana ay makabalik ako at ang ating programa dahil kung hindi… sinong mamimigay sa inyo ng pera? Sinong mamumudmod sa inyo ng papremyo? Sinong tutulong sa mahihirap? Sinong magpapasaya sa mga nalulungkot? Sinong magpapakain sa mga nagugutom? Sinong magtatanggol sa mga walang laban? Sino ang pag-asa ng sambayanan?

Ako lang.

Maraming salamat po sa inyong suporta!”

ACCORDING TO PAGASA, summer will officially start this week. No wonder, Mikey Arroyo and Willie Revillame have been feeling the heat.

Willing Willie
Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech Friday night. He blasted his critics and blamed the previous network for his woes and other unfavorable developments. And President Aquino was like, “Sus! Gaya-gaya ka naman eh.”

While some of his sick and poor fanatics shed tears, Willie Revillame announced on television that he’d go on a two-week break. Rosa Rosal can’t wait to get her job back.

TV host Willie Revillame is taking a two-week break from television. TV5 can now remove the “Parental Guidance” sign on the TV screen.

Willie Revillame said if advertisers would continue to abandon his show, he’d seek the help of network president Ray Espinosa and network boss Manny V. Pangilinan, “even if we lose profit.” To which MVP said, “Bawiin mo ‘yan!”

Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech last Friday evening. The opposition described the speech as lacking in substance as it failed to tackle land reform, economic goals, and foreign policy.

Embattled Ombudsmen
The good news: In the wake of complaints and criticisms hurled against him, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni has reportedly quit his post. The bad news: He told his supporters that he’s just taking a two-week break “upang pag-isipan kung babalik pa ako sa industriyang ito.”

Two weeks ago, President Aquino fired Deputy Ombudsman Emilio Gonzalez III. Last week, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni resigned. These developments have prompted Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez to stay saying, “The captain must not abandon a sinking ship.”

Aquino’s Lovelife
According to a Newsbreak report, President Aquino and stockbroker Len Lopez have stopped dating. Sought for comment, Kris Aquino said, “No reaction.” Palace spokespersons said, “No comment.” Shalani Soledad said, “No surprise!”

MY UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE IN SINGAPORE has identified Sabrina Chua of Channel News Asia as the new apple of the eye of President Noynoy Aquino. Is this true Mr. President? Good luck then.

Hungry Filipinos
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 51 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1. Political harassment: Kapag ‘di ka nakabayad ng tamang buwis sa pamahalaan
Halimbawa: “Uy Congressman! Totoo bang kinasuhan ka ng tax evasion?”
“Nooo! Hindi tax evasion ‘yon! Political harassment ‘yon!”

2. “I invoke my right against self incrimination.”
: Guilty as hell. Nagsisinungaling. Nagpapalusot.
Halimbawa: “General, ikaw ba ang last na gumamit ng CR na hindi nag-flush?” “Your honor, I would like to invoke my right against self incrimination.”

3. Reseta: Nauusong instrumento upang makontrol ang pagbebenta at pamamahagi ng kahit ano na lang. Wala lang. Trip lang.
Halimbawa: “Ale, pabili nga ng load.” “Load? Kuha ka muna ng reseta.”
—————————————
“Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.”
~Colin Powell

You Have Spoken
Sa pagsasampa ng BIR ng kasong tax evasion sa mag-asawang Mikey at Angela Arroyo, your take:
- Dapat lang! 66.79%
- Gumaganti lang! 23.1%
- Aalamin ko muna ang detalye. 10.11%

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TOUGH LUCK

SUMMER NA! Bakasyon na ang mga estudyante. Malapit na rin ang Holy Week. Dahil d’yan, maging ang mga bituing gumagabay sa mga pulitiko at taong-gobyerno ay nasa vacation mode na rin. Pero bago sila mag-break, narito muna ang kanilang payo at babala sa ilang personalidad sa lipunan.

President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag ituring na setback ang latest heartbreak. Sanayan lang ‘yan. May ibang babae para sa ‘yo. Ang problema nga lang: baka hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanila. Bahala na.

Sa kalusugan: Ayaw ka naming takutin pero ayon sa pag-aaral, ang average smoker ay umaabot lamang sa edad na 69. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sa trabaho: Paramdam ka pa nang konti. Lagi na lang si Binay eh.

Lucky Tip of the Day: Huwag hayaang makawala ang suwerte. Isara ang bibig kapag ‘di naman nagsasalita.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio

Sa pamilya: So far, so good. Lahat ng sinimulan mo sa Makati City, ipinagpapatuloy ng iyong unico ijo. And when we say lahat, we mean lahat! Tuloy ang maliligayang araw.

Sa trabaho: Umanin ka! You are so enjoying this. Ikaw na ang maging bida sa balita araw-araw! Nangangamoy 2016 na!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini

Sa kalusugan: Tataas ang blood pressure mo. Hinay-hinay lang sa pagkain ng adobo’t embotido.

Sa trabaho: Tama ang desisyon mong tanggihan ang alok ng isang giant network na mag-host ng isang cooking show. Hindi kasi ito magri-rate.

Sa pamilya: Isang teen actor ang magki-claim na ikaw ang tatay niya. Huwag maniwala sa kanya. Hindi mo siya anak. Ewan ko lang ‘yong kapatid niya.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Birth: Unknown
Sign: Delikado!

Sa pag-ibig: Itigil ang ilusyong crush ka pa rin ni Rudy Fariñas hanggang ngayon. Hindi bagay sa ‘yo ang mag-blush. Ang sagwa eh.

Sa trabaho: Ay, meron ba? May ginagawa ka? In fairness, hindi halata.

Sa kalusugan: Habang papalapit ang iyong impeachment trial, magkakaroon ka ng insomnia. Ganyan talaga kapag ayaw patulugin ng konsensya.

Lt. General Jacinto Ligot
Birth: Won’t tell
Sign: Won’t tell

Sa kalusugan: Kakapitan ka ng isang rare disease. Ito ang tinatawag na “Kris Aquino Syndrome.” Kapag ipinatawag ka ng Senado, lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay mo, mabaho man o mabango ay isisiwalat mo sa publiko. Panalo!

Sa trabaho: Hindi na kailangan. Sa laki ng nakamal mong salapi, mag-relax ka na lang. Kapal ng mukha lang ang kailangan.

Sa pag-ibig: Bantayan ang galaw ng iyong misis. Kilalanin ang kanyang dance instructor. Magsaliksik at alamin rin ang kahulugan ng terminong “cougar.”

Willie Revillame
Birth: January 27, 1961
Sign: Aquarius

Sa trabaho: Wala ka talagang kadala-dala. Bitbit mo pa rin sa Singko ang mga natutunan mo sa kabila. Magbago ka na!

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag nang umasa sa babaeng pinopormahan mo ngayon. Kahit langit at buwan pa ang iregalo mo d’yan, hindi ka niya magugustuhan. Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka niya type!

Manuel V. Pangilinan
PLDT Chairman
Birth: July 14, 1946
Sign: Cancer

Sa trabaho: Patuloy na mag-iingay ang ilang kongresista at kukuwestyunin ang acquisition ng PLDT Group sa Digitel/Sun Cellular. Well, dating gawi. Simulan mo na ang pagkukuwenta. Magkano ba sila?

Sa pag-ibig: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka. Huwag intindihin ang mga tsimoso’t tsismosa. Hindi mo kasalanan kung “can afford” ka. Inggit lang sila.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard
Birth: No records available
Sign: 1/4 Ophiucus , 3/4  Unidentifiable

Sa pagsasalita: Engaging ka. In fact, your histrionics unite people. Kapag napapanood ka nila, sama-sama at sabay-sabay silang nagmumura!

Sa pagiging ina: You’re incomparable.

Sa takbo ng pag-iisip: You’re irreparable.

AT SUMAINYO ang isa na namang edisyon ng mga hula at babala ng mga bituin. Kung nais n’yong malaman ang inyong sariling kapalaran, right click here.

German or Jewish?
The Department of Health says 90 percent of Filipino men are circumcised. The rest have partners who pretend to be happy.

Tax Evaders?
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed charges against Ang Galing Party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo and wife, Angela Montenegro for their alleged failure to remit 73.85 million pesos in taxes to the government. But Mikey’s lawyer, Ruy Rondain explains the BIR should have given his client ample time to reply. After all, it’s not that easy to produce fake receipts.
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“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”
~Barry Goldwater

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakadilaw sa larawan?
A: “Ayaaaan, ssshwak na sshwak ang bago mong pustisho! Ang saya-saya… ‘no?!”
B: “O, ‘wag kalimutan sha 2013 huh! “Arroyo sha balota… ire-elect sha Pampanga!”
C: “Hello there! You smile at me when you say hello there!”

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: It’s over for PNoy & Len

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Personal: Some readers have alerted me that they couldn’t post the article on Facebook and they repeatedly receive a notice that goes: “This message contains blocked content that has previously been flagged as abusive or spammy. Let us know if you think this is an error.”

Hindi ko po alam kung bakit. Pasensya na.

64

SWS Survey
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey Vice President Jejomar Binay’s satisfaction rating rose from +57 in November 2010 to +74 in March 2011. Thrilled by the survey results, Binay vowed that he wouldn’t fail his supporters; wouldn’t stop working hard, and wouldn’t buy a sports car.

Analysts say the sharp decline in President Aquino’s ratings is alarming. In fact, his approval rating is just a notch higher than Willie Revillame’s.

Noy and Ping
The Department of Foreign Affairs insists it did not issue any travel papers to Sen. Panfilo Lacson who was able to travel from country to country. That means, either he used fake travel documents or he was Pope for more than a year.

President Aquino met with Senator Panfilo Lacson in Malacañang on the same day three Filipinos were executed in China. No wonder, the President was nowhere to be found.

Reports say President Aquino and Senator Lacson talked for more than one hour. Rumors have it Aquino was too eager and overly excited to see his friend again. He was asking Lacson so many questions, the senator had to Google for answers.

Top 6 Things Overheard During the Aquino/Lacson Meeting

No. 6: “Astig ng tsikot natin ah. Puwedeng pa-try?”

No. 5: “Bakit nga ba natagalan ang paglabas mo? Wala ka yatang tiwala sa akin eh!”

No. 4: “Ayaw magkwento ni Shalani eh. Ano ba talagang nangyari sa inyong dalawa?”

No. 3: “Sabi mo natuto kang magluto sa Google. Ano ba ‘yong Google? Cooking show?”

No. 2: “Bahala ka na kay De Lima.”

No. 1: “Bahala ka na kay Mercedita.”

GMA Turns 64
Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turns 64 today. I heard she’s not celebrating her birthday this year. You know, it’s not really a good sign when your age is higher than the number of your allies in Congress.

At dahil kaarawan ng dating pangulo, narito ang basa ng mga bituin sa kanyang kapalaran sa linggong ito at sa mga darating na araw. Mrs. Arroyo, makinig kayo:

Sa trabaho: Ituloy ang nasimulang kasipagan. ‘Yan na nga lang ang nag-iisang positive trait mo, huwag mo nang pakawalan.

Sa kalusugan: Ang palagiang pagtakbo palabas ng session hall kapag may nagtatalumpati laban sa ‘yo ay isang form of exercise. Just keep it up – kahit nagmumukha ka nang tanga.

Sa pag-ibig: Wala ka nang choice. S’ya na ‘yan! Magtiis ka na lang. Tutal, nagtititiis rin naman siya sa ‘yo. Patas lang.

Sa pakikitungo: Malalagay sa pagsubok ang pagkakaibigan n’yo ng isang babaeng may initials na OMG. Kumuha ng abogado bago mag-Mayo. Mabuti nang sure. Sabi nga ni Erap, “Been there, been that. You can never can tell.”

Sa pag-ibig: Nasabi ko na sa ‘taas. Hindi na magbabago ‘yon. Asa ka pa!

Ang iyong lucky color ay fuchsia. Inuulit ko lang – ang lucky ay ‘yong color, hindi ikaw.
Ang iyong lucky numbers ay idu-draw pa lang mamaya sa Pampanga. Maghintay!

At ‘yan ang espesyal na pangitain ng mga bituin sa kaarawan ng dating pangulo. Tandaan mo lamang Madam Gloria Macapagal-Aroyo, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran, hawak ito ng Ombudsman!”

Modern Catholics
The other day, the CBCP announced that Catholics could do Visita Iglesia online! The 14 Stations of the Cross won’t be available in cyberspace this year but if you want to experience it yourself, just take the MRT/LRT during rush hour.

Smart Gilas Wows
The Philippine basketball team, Smart Gilas has been making waves as an all-amateur guest team in the PBA right now. Fans just love them. And who wouldn’t? They play like pros, and their basketball skills are so naturalized, I mean, natural.
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“Compromise makes a good umbrella, but a poor roof; it is temporary expedient, often wise in party politics, almost sure to be unwise in statesmanship.”
~James Russell Lowell

April 5th.
On this day in…

1994: Kurt Cobain killed himself with a shotgun.  After three days, the police started to suspect that something bad happened to the Nirvana frontman because, from the outside, his house smelled like teen spirit.

You Have Spoken!
Ano sa palagay mo: Child abuse nga ba ang nangyari kay “Janjan” sa show ni Willie Revillame?
- OO naman! Exploited ang bata both by the parents and the show. 78.95%
- Mga OA kayo! Inggit lang kayo kay Papi! 15.16%
- Haven’t seen the video. 5.89%

Elsewhere
Time Magazine: More Catholic than the Pope? Manila Suburb Cracks Down on Condoms

Find Your Fun via Find Your Fun.Ph

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Enjoy every moment of your life. Ingat!

LOVE CHILDREN

My Lover, My Wife
Ms. Saintly is going to be a mother again courtesy of a married politician – again. It will be his second love child with the same mistress. Talk about loyalty. Ms Saintly is in the United States right now and is scheduled to give birth on or before the end of June. Why is the wife tolerating the affair? Ewan ko. Pumunta ka na lang sa Greece at itanong mo sa mga tindera sa palengke.

April 3rd
On this day in…

1513: Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida… and immediately expressed support for the Miami Heat.

1934: Jane Goodall evolved, i mean, was born.

1926: American astronaut Virgil Grissom is born. Decades later, he shifted to forensics and joined CSI.

1985: Leona Lewis was born. Asked to describe his wife as she was giving birth, Leona’s dad said, “She’s bleeding love.”

2010: The Apple iPad went on sale… marking a new phase in the ratings war between and among local TV news programs.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On This Day, Those Were the Days, and the National Historical Institute.

Have a great day! Enjoy the rest of the week!

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April 2nd
On this day in…

1725: Philanderer Giovanni Casanova was born… with an erect penis.

1805: Hans Christian Andersen was also born. When the midwife first saw him, she exclaimed, “What an ugly duckling!”

1901: General Emilio Aguinaldo was released from detention, returned to his home in Kawit, and resumed life as a private citizen. Three years later, he teamed up with Jejomar Binay and ran for president but lost.

1902: The first motion picture theatre opened in Los Angeles with the name Electric Theatre. Few people patronized it amid rumors the theater had electric chairs.

1984: In Jerusalem, three gunmen wounded 48 people when they opened fire into a crowd of shoppers. The suspects were Arab militants who got mad when a boutique refused to honor their expired gift certificates.

1996: Poland’s first post-war democratic president Lech Walesa resumed his old job as an electrician at the Gdansk shipyard. One of his friends who requested anonymity wrote Vicky Morales and requested that Walesa be featured on “Wish Ko Lang.”

Enjoy your weekend! Stay healthy!

MALACAÑANG REACTS

Dear Readers:
Yesterday, I received a letter from Malacañang. I must admit, I was stunned. I didn’t expect this from the palace. Should I reply? I need your advice.

Do you think this is harassment?
Should I stop writing about the President?
Should I answer this letter?
Do you know what day is today?
It’s April Fool’s Day!
Ingat!

Have a safe, healthy, and fun weekend!

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