MISSING LINK

IN MEMORIAM

MARCH 30, 2011 was a sad day for Filipinos here and around the globe. Three OFWs were executed in China. Yesterday, as the nation mourned for Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain, Filipinos asked, “Why did this happen?” “How do we prevent a similar thing from happening again?” And… “Where in hell is the President?”

Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain have been executed in China. As some of their relatives wept searching for justice, the rest of us wondered, searching for the President.

Asked about President Aquino’s reaction when he learned about the executions, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “He was silent.” Like, duhhhh! Tell us something we didn’t know.

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino learned about the executions, he went to the Malacañang chapel and prayed. That’s the exact reaction I was expecting from the president… of the CBCP.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has failed to save the lives of the three OFWs. If it’s any consolation, he saved the day for the President.

While in Qatar, Vice President Jejomar Binay spoke on radio and television saying, “Until the last moment, we did everything we could to save the three.” Meanwhile, in Malacañang, until the last moment, the President was in silence, praying hard.

In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, President Aquino said the execution of the three OFWs should not affect the “historic friendship” of the country with the Chinese people. The same way that China’s “historic friendship” with the Filipino people was not affected by the “execution” of eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals in Luneta last year.

Nope! There’s no truth to rumors that while the executions of the three OFWs were taking place, President Aquino was monitoring the news at Emerald Restaurant.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. said airport authorities should be stricter in screening people to stop drug trafficking. Congress first.

In other news…
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has dared Sen. Panfilo Lacson to reveal the names of his coddlers. But Lacson declined, and offered to reveal instead the secret ingredient of his mouth-watering adobo.

Marcos’ Burial
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 50 percent of Filipinos favored the burial of former President Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. You know what that means? Fifty percent of Filipinos have amnesia.

Chiz and Cristine
Rumors have it that Sen. Francis Escudero and wife Christine have separated. Sought for comment, Escudero said, “Ang asawa ko ay ang Pilipinas.”

A Philippine Entertainment Portal article claims Senator Chiz Escudero’s wife Christine was spotted at Trinoma Mall in Quezon City with dancer Jason Zamora of the Manoeuvres. Escudero has kept mum on the issue and refuses to answer the question, “Ang asawa mo ba, may B (boylet)?”

March 31st
On this day in…

1521: The first mass is celebrated at Limasawa Island in the Philippines by Father Pedro de Valderrama. But the mass was briefly interrupted when Carlos Celdran stormed the altar and held a sign that read, “Mabuhay si Lapu-Lapu!”

1596: Philosopher Rene Descartes was born. That’s what he thought, therefore he was.

1917: The United States purchases, and takes possession of the Virgin Islands. And the virginity was lost forever.

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island… in an attempt to unmask the identity of Santa Claus.

1945: Sicherheitsdienst, the intelligence agency of Nazi Germany’s Nazi Party murders 10 political prisoners in Zutphen, Netherlands. The victims were killed when they failed to pronounce Sicherheitsdienst correctly.

1949: Newfoundland becomes Canada’s 10th province. Who cares?!
————————————–
“The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

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Let’s celebrate life. Enjoy the rest of the week. Take care ‘coz PH cares.

PING

SENATOR PANFILO LACSON is back! In fact, he has made a triumphant return to the Senate last Monday. He arrived on a donkey and was welcomed by loyal supporters who were waving palm branches.

There was one awkward moment though when Senator Lacson started reading his statement. An excited member of his Senate staff shouted, “Welcome back chef!”

Aided by Google, Senator Lacson said he learned how to cook a number of dishes (while in hiding) such as adobo, afritada, embotido, empanada, and sinigang. Sa awa naman ng Diyos, pag-uwi niya ng Pilipinas, ayun… luto na rin ang kaso.

According to Senator Ping Lacson, he learned how to cook with the help of Google… and he learned how to run with the help of the NBI.

PNP spokesperson Chief Supt. Agrimero Cruz said, “We cannot say outright that our police intelligence failed.” Well then, allow me to say it: YOU FAILED!

Ex-fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson has granted several radio and TV interviews just two days after returning home from heaven-knows-where. There were times when he looked haggard and tired on television. During one interview, after the host asked, “Can you name at least three people who helped you hide,” Lacson replied, “1/2 kilo pork, 1 medium size onion, and 1/2 teaspoon paprika.”

On Tuesday morning, Senator Lacson guested on ABS-CBN’s Umagang Kay Ganda where he demonstrated his cooking skills. Tomorrow, he will appear on ANC’s ‘Travel Time.’

In a radio interview, Sen. Panfilo Lacson confirmed rumors that son Pampi and actress Jodi Sta. Maria have parted ways. Pampi is now trying to learn how to cook with Google’s help.

Rate Hike
A one-peso provisional fare increase in buses was implemented starting March 29 even as another round of oil price hike is expected to take effect this week. Everything is going up these days… except for President Aquino’s ratings.

Big Drop
According to the latest SWS survey, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating has dropped by 13 percentage points. The President is thinking of how he could blame this on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

President Aquino has a net satisfaction rating of 51 percent. And that really pisses him off. The figure reminds him of his age.

The President’s net satisfaction rating is down to 51 percent… or as his professors in Ateneo would say, “Fail.”

The latest SWS survey showed that 48 percent of Filipinos were not happy with President Aquino’s decision to buy a 4.5 million-peso Porsche. The rest were his test drive buddies.

From 64 percent in November 2010, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating dropped to 51 percent in March 2011. To avert a further slide in his rating, the President has promised to get rid of “pabaon,” poverty, and Porsche.

NPA Turns 42
The New People’s Army – the armed wing of the Communist Party of the Philippines marked its 42nd anniversary today, March 29. To all NPA rebels all over the country, congratulations on your 42-year losing streak!

Radiation in RP
The Philippine Nuclear Research Institute says very tiny amounts of radiation in the air have been detected in the Philippines. You know what that means? Walang pasok sa PUP!

March 29th
On this day in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan and Rajah Kolambu of Limasawa enter into a blood compact of friendship. After the ceremony, they exchanged numbers and became constant textmates.

1858: Hymen Lipman patents a pencil with an attached eraser. Filipino kids in kindergarten never got hungry again.

1886: Dr. John Pemberton brews the first Coca-Cola and advertises it as a “brain tonic and intellectual beverage.” Nobody believed him except for Carmen Pedrosa.

2002: Actor Rico Yan dies… along with the careers of close friends Dominic Ochoa and Marvin Agustin.

2002: Young actor Rico Yan dies. Nine years later, brother Bobby Yan is still struggling to make it big in showbiz.

2004: Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia become members of NATO… after NATO revised its membership rules, strictly accepting only countries whose names end in ia.

2004: The Republic of Ireland becomes the first country in the world to ban smoking in all work places, including bars, and restaurants… making it the most hated country of President Aquino.
————————————-
“Truth is not determined by majority vote.”
~Doug Gwyn

Quote of the Weak
“Alisin na ang inggit sa katawan.”
- TV host Kris Aquino to President Aquino’s critics following reports that his approval rating in the Pulse Asia survey has plummeted

Still, Gullible
The most gullible columnist in the world, Philippine Star’s Carmen Pedrosa has justified and defended her gullibility.

In a rejoinder she wrote Sunday, Pedrosa insisted: “Whether or not there was such a study by Harvard that “Filipinos are the most gullible people on earth” is less the point than whether it is true that Filipinos are gullible most of the time.”

Yeah right. Magpaliwanag ka sa lolo mong panot!

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong “protektado” ng administrasyong Aquino si Sen. Panfilo Lacson?
- Is the Pope Catholic? 68.57%
- Nahhh, hindi naman. 10.36%
- Magmamasid muna ako. 21.07%

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LUCK’S ON LACSON

SENATOR PANFILO LACSON is back! You know what that means? The NBI, the PNP, and military intelligence agents can finally stop pretending they’re looking for him.

When he arrived in Cebu from Hong Kong Saturday morning, Senator Panfilo Lacson was reportedly alone. But critics refuted the report saying Malacañang’s thoughts were “with” him.

Reports say the Philippine National Police did not have enough knowledge as regards Lacson’s arrival last Saturday… just as they did not have enough information as regards his departure last year.

National Bureau of Investigation Director Magtanggol Gatdula insists his former boss is “really free” and “the bureau no longer has anything to do with him.” As if you did.

Lawyer Nancy Tagle of the Bureau of Immigration (BI) in Cebu told the Philippine Daily Inquirer that Senator Lacson acted as if “he didn’t want to be noticed.” Unfortunately, everyone, with the exception of NBI agents, did notice him.

Last Saturday, Senator Panfilo Lacson arrived in Lapu-Lapu City in Cebu… not to avoid the media in Manila but because his wife, Alicia wanted dried mangoes as pasalubong.

Reports say Senator Panfilo Lacson was wearing a hat and sunglasses when he arrived in Cebu. When he arrived in Manila, he was wearing a smile.

Top 6 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Senator Lacson in his Scheduled Press Conference Monday (Or You’re Dead)

No. 6: Was there a third party in the breakup of Jodi and Pampi?

No. 5: You said you didn’t do it and Erap has also denied doing it. Was it suicide then?

No. 4: Who among your advisers and PR consultants thought of linking Cezar Mancao to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima?

No. 3: What the f*ck were they thinking?

No. 2: Do you want to thank anyone in Malacañang?

And the No. 1 question you should not ask Senator Lacson in his scheduled press con…

Did you enjoy watching the NBI’s and the PNP’s yearlong Moro-moro?

In other news…
Cong. Manny Pacquiao said if his father had used a condom, he wouldn’t be here today. I say had Manny Pacquiao used one, he would have not fathered a child with a woman other than his wife.

Manny Pacquiao has deleted his Twitter account. Apparently, he could take punches but not punch lines.

OMG, LOL
The OED or Oxford English Dictionary’s 2011 edition has just added Internet-associated expressions like OMG (Oh My God), LOL (Laughing Out Loud) and IMHO (In My Humble/Honest Opinion). Failing to muster enough votes from OED’s board of directors were TTMO and NDRRMC.

Bottom Three
Idol hopeful Thia Megia was in the Bottom 3 last week but was nonetheless declared safe. Also in last week’s Bottom 3 were Merceditas Gutierrez and the Ligot couple.

March 27th.
On this day in…

1884: The first long-distance telephone call is made from Boston to New York. It abruptly ended when the guy in Boston said (in Filipino), “Tapos na ako! Ikaw?”

1938: Sino-Japanese War: The Battle of Taierzhuang takes place. The troop that can spell Taierzhuang correctly in one attempt will be declared winner.

1963: Quentin Tarantino is born. Chin first.

1968: Yuri Gagarin dies in a plane crash. He has completed his orbit on earth.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approves Pfizer’s prescription drug Viagra. In the Philippines, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile files a resolution commending Pfizer.

2006: Zacarias Moussaoui testifies in court that he is supposed to hijack a fifth airplane on September 11, 2001, and fly it into the White House. However, the flight of the fifth airplane, later identified as Cebu Pacific was delayed for three hours, ruining Moussaoui’s original plan.

2010: PLDT chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan addresses the graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University. He spoke about protecting the environment… specifically citing the importance of recycling plastics, paper, and graduation speeches.
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“It is not a Justice System. It is just a system.”
~Bob Enyart

Quote of the Weak

- Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao‘s tweetply to a Twitter follower who asked why he’s absent when the House of Representatives voted on the impeachment case against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez last March 21

How ironic! How gullible!
Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa wrote in her latest column: “We are gullible because we are not able or do not question information. We prefer to believe what other persons tell us.”

In that column, she discussed a purported Harvard study that found Filipinos to be the most gullible people in the world. Guess what? That supposed study was a “gawa-gawang” story she got from a satirical blog. Yari ka!

Dear Ms Pedrosa:
There are several people in this world that I find really gullible. And you are all of them!

Three Strikes
Strike 1: Paquito Diaz, dead! Not!
Strike 2: It’s Oban! No it’s Gaa!
Strike 3: Filipinos are gullible!
That’s three strikes. Sorry, you’re out!

Briefly Noted
The Philippine Daily Inquirer is the only local broadsheet that comes out with blind items in at least three sections: Entertainment (Rushes); Business (Biz Buzz), and Sunday Lifestyle. Here’s an intriguing item from today’s (3/27) issue. Girl cries ‘rape’-years later-and two most prominent families might end up in

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THE MOST

FIRST, some strange news from all over the globe:
In Venezuela, socialist President Hugo Chavez said capitalism may be to blame for the lack of life on planet Mars.
In the US, a condom machine was stolen from a Washington state sports bar.
And in the Philippines, Jejomar Binay is now the most trusted national government official.

Ulat sa Bayan
From 78 percent in October, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s approval rating climbed to 83 percent in February. Thrilled, Binay thanked his supporters, his family, and the convicted Filipino drug mules in China.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted government official. He got an impressive trust rating of 81 percent! In fact, that figure was even higher than the trust rating he got from his own wife.

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay obtained a disapproval rating of only 3 percent. You know who the 3 percent are? Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and Korina Sanchez.

Pulse Asia’s “Ulat sa Bayan” revealed that Vice President Jejomar Binay has overtaken President Aquino in performance and trust ratings. If it’s any consolation, Binay has yet to overtake the President in a car race.

Contemptible Ligots
Lieutenant General Jacinto Ligot is now under Senate custody. He is detained inside a small cell measuring three-by-four-square meters. The cell has a bed, an air conditioning system, and a comfort room. Unfazed, General Ligot described the place as cozy. Mrs. Ligot wants to buy the unit.

Snubbing Thursday’s Senate probe, Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot claimed she had gastroenteritis. In layman’s term, that’s shit.

Dissatisfied
In the latest Social Weather Stations study, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez obtained a net satisfaction rating of negative 9 percent. In the hope of getting a higher score in the next survey, Gutierrez is planning to go to China and appeal the conviction of Filipino drug mules.

Congratulations!
It’s March! For students in the senior year, it’s the time of the year when hard work is rewarded. We call it graduation! Or as businessman Manny V. Pangilinan would say, “Don’t remind me!”

Ateneo and Aquino
President Aquino was the keynote speaker at Ateneo De Manila University’s 152nd commencement exercises Friday. He began his speech with a disclaimer, “No portion of this commencement address was borrowed from J.K. Rowling, Oprah, Conan O’Brien, and Barack Obama.”

President Aquino devoted the first half of his speech acknowledging his former Ateneo professors out of gratitude… and the other half criticizing the former administration out of force of habit.

March 25th
On this day in…

1857: Frederick Laggenheim took the first photo of a solar eclipse. A day later, he appeared on TV Patrol and cried because PTV Channel 4 accused him of faking the eclipse photo.

1882: Pancake making is first demonstrated… by Nora Daza.

1951: Edward Mills Purcell and H.I. Ewen at the Harvard physics lab detected 21-cm radiation in outer space. When the news came out, the president of the Polytechnic University of the Philippines barred PUP students from going to outer space.

1991: Madonna and Michael Jackson arrived together at the Annual Academy Awards. It marked the first time that the sexy, soft-spoken, white, American pop icon was escorted to the Oscars by Madonna.

1992: Cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev returns to Earth after a 10-month stay aboard the Mir space station. It was supposed to be a 12-month stay but he got really bored when his broadband kit ran out of load and he couldn’t access Facebook and Twitter.

1994: United States troops completed their withdrawal from Somalia. They hurriedly left to look for another country to invade.
————————–
“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?””
~Will Rogers

Elsewhere
From the Philippine Daily Inquirer (March 22, 2011):
Hush-hush mishap
Here’s news that failed to make it to TV. Top Politician purportedly went on a joy ride with Fellow Politico, who moonlights as a media personality. TP wanted to show off his new toy, a sleek imported car.
While cruising on a deserted road, the vehicle turned turtle. TP and FP emerged from the mishap unscathed, except for bruised egos. Thus, the news blackout.

- Hmmm, parang kilala ko sila. Kayo? Kilala n’yo?

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong “pork barrel” ang dahilan ng pagboto ng ilang kongresista pabor sa pag-impeach kay Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
- Oo naman! Pera-pera ang iba sa mga ‘yan! 60.55%
- Hindi rin. Nasa katwiran naman eh. 31.65%
- Ewan 7.8%

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March 24th
On this day in…

1874: Harry Houdini is born. He came out of a hat.

1900: Hand-to-hand fighting takes place between US soldiers and Filipino revolutionaries in Isabela. When the Filipinos won, the Americans accused them of using performance-enhancing drugs, and refused to fight again.

1906: A “census” revealed that England ruled 1/5 of the world. China ruled the rest.

1920: “An Act granting a life pension to General Emilio Aguinaldo” was approved. It was the first and only documented case of “pabaon.”

1934: U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed into law a bill granting future independence to the Philippines. The law has yet to be implemented up to this day.

2001: A blind young lady named Roselle Ambubuyog tops 2001 Ateneo de Manila graduates as summa cum laude and class valedictorian… to which staunch rival La Sallistas said, “Walang paningin, naka-graduate? Wala kayo sa amin, nakaka-graduate, walang utak.”

2002 For her work in “Monster’s Ball,” Halle Berry becomes the first black performer to win a best actress Oscar… and the first black woman to be kissed by Adrien Brody.

(Thank you to Wikipedia, NHI, History On-this-Day and Today in Science History.)

IMPEACHED!

News Flash!
A magnitude 212 earthquake shook the Philippine archipelago shortly after midnight Tuesday.

The Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology said the quake’s epicenter was 17.6 km northeast of Manila, and was political in origin.

Intensity 46 was felt by the opposition bloc. Although there were no immediate reports of damage to properties, one casualty was reported. Authorities identified her as Merceditas Navarro Gutierrez, the incumbent Ombudsman of the Philippine government.

Sources say the influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo with the help of lawmakers loyal to the previous administration tried but failed to stop the quake from happening. The tsunami of expected support for Gutierrez fizzled out.

Aftershocks are expected to be felt in the Senate when session resumes in May. The public is advised to prepare and remain vigilant.

A similar tremor has rocked Gutierrez in 2009. However, the pro-Arroyo bloc in the Lower House was able to rescue her. She survived the quake unscathed. At press time, her camp has yet to issue a statement.
(With a report from USGS)

This just in!
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez finally broke her silence after the House of Representatives voted to impeach her. The Professional Heckler was granted an exclusive! But there’s a catch! OMG requested that she be interviewed by someone close to her. So friends, here’s the transcript of a yet to be aired one-on-one conversation between Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez and former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!

GMA: Hello Mercy!
OMG: Hello Glory! I mean, hi ma’am.

GMA: I heard sha akin ka lang nagpa-interview. Maraming shalamat sha pagtitiwalang ibinigay mo sha akin huh.
OMG: Boy Abunda ikaw ba ‘yan? Joke lang ma’am. Siyempre naman ma’am. Kayo pa!?

GMA: Bilish-bilisshan lang natin ‘noh kasshi may check up pa sa St. Luke’ssh shi Mike.
OMG: Bakit ma’am? Anong nangyari?

GMA: No worriessh. Medyo shumakit lang ang batok habang nanonood ng botohan sha Kamara kagabi. He didn’t like my fuchsia dress. He preferred the pink one.
OMG: Pakisabi ho kay Sir, pagaling siya. Sa Mayo na ‘yong trial ko. Kailangang umabot siya do’n.

GMA: Buweno, diretsho na tayo sa mga isshyu. Impeached ka na. Malapit na ang paglilitish mo sa Shenado. How do you feel right now?
OMG: You first ma’am.

GMA: Hihihi. Mapagbiro ka talaga Mershi. Sheriously, hindi ka ba kinakabahan?
OMG: Kayo ma’am, hindi ba kayo kinakabahan? Seriously?

GMA: My gosh naman, Mershi. Ikaw ang iniinterview ko remember? Anshwer my questionssh firssht okay?
OMG: Sorry ma’am. Magulo lang talaga ang isip ko ngayon.

GMA: Inupuan mo nga ba ang malalaking isshyu katulad ng ZTE-NBN deal, ang fertilizer fund ishcam at Euro generalsh scandal?
OMG: Sa tingin n’yo ma’am, may pagkukulang ba ako sa usapin ng Euro generals? May mali ba sa ZTE NBN deal? May scam ba sa fertilizer funds?

GMA: Wala!
OMG: Taaaaaamahhh!
GMA: Remember: ang NBN project, kinanshela ko ang kontrata! Ang fertilizer funds, nagamit sha bukid kahit may El Niño at La Niña, at ang Euro generalsh, kinashuhan mo naman ‘di ba? Sha madaling salita, walang problema!
OMG: ‘Yon na nga ang sinasabi ko ma’am pero ayaw nilang maniwala.

GMA: ‘Di bale, may laban tayo sha Shenado. Pitong boto lang ang kailangan mo para ‘di ka mapatalshik sa puweshto!
OMG: Pero ma’am, balita ko, anytime lilitaw si Lacson. Kalaban ‘yon!

GMA: That cowardly cop?! Shoosh naman! Believe me! We have the numbersh in the Shenate.
OMG: Pero ma’am, sabi ni Senator Enrile, they will vote according to their conscience.
GMA: You believed him? Hahaha! You actually believed Manong Johnny? Kilala ko ang kamada ng mga shenador. Maniwala ka! Mash mauuna ka pang ma-acquit kessha sa pagpayat ni Sharon Cuneta! Hahaha
OMG: Nagpapatawa naman kayo ma’am eh.

GMA: Pinapalakash ko lang ang loob mo Mershi. By the way, may issha pa tayong maaasahang kakampi sha impeachment trial mo!
OMG: Sino ma’am?
GMA: Guesssh.
OMG: Tao ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Babae?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Lalaki!
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Artistahin?
GMA: Puwede!

OMG: Chiz Escudero?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Trillanes???!!!
GMA: That traveling lawmaker while in detention?! Hindi!

OMG: Matanda na?
GMA: Hmmm, pwede!
OMG: Joker Arroyo?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Matandang-matanda?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: Bobo?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: So, hindi si Lito Lapid? Hayyyy, wala na akong maisip. Bong Revilla???
GMA: Hindi! Category ka muna kasshi!
OMG: Okay! Hmmm… lalaki ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo sabi!
OMG: Jamby?!
GMA: Tangek! Wala nang career ‘yon!

OMG: May asawa?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Nabalitang hiwalay at na-link sa kapwa senador?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Angara?!
GMA: Shinabi nang hindi!

OMG: Ang hirap naman. Kakampi natin… hindi pa masyadong matanda… Alam ko na! Bakla??!
GMA: Hindeeeee!

OMG: Oh my gosh. Hindi si Migs. Eh sino? Wala nang iba ah?
GMA: Bilisan mo naman. Two minutes lang.

OMG: Okay… parang 60 pataas ang hitsura?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Gets ko na! Kiko Pangilinan!
GMA: Hindiiiii!

OMG: Aha! Abogado!
GMA: Oo! Oo! Oo!

OMG: TG Guingona!
GMA: Ano ka ba!! Paanong magiging si TG Guingona eh labas-masok ng palasyo ‘yon at sinisiraan ka!

OMG: Wala na akong maisip eh. Ang hirap! Sirit na ako ma’am!
GMA: Hayyy naku! Ang dali-dali! Anjan lang sha lagi! Kakampi natin! Lalaki! Matalino! 60-ish ang edad! Abogado! Hindi mo man lang naisip si Chief Justice Renato Corona??? Kainish ka!
OMG: Ayyyy, ang daya naman. Hindi naman senador ‘yon!
GMA: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong senador? Basta! Puwede kang humingi ng advice do’n! Mahusay ‘yon! Kahit ‘di nagbabasa ng kumpletong dokumento, nakakagawa ng desisyon ‘yon!
OMG: I’ll take note of that ma’am.

GMA: O, pa’no… kailangan ko nang umalish.
OMG: Thank you ma’am. Nag-enjoy ako. Kahit papa’no, nalimutan ko ang aking problema.
GMA: Bashta sha trial, walang laglagan huh. You know where to call me. And Mike.
OMG: Maaasahan n’yo ma’am.

GMA: By the way, were you awake lasht night? Did you see Mikey when he defended you on the floor?
OMG: Yes ma’am. Pero bakit gano’n? Napunta sa OFWs, at sa presyo ng langis at basic commodities ang speech n’ya?
GMA: My gosh Mershi!? Problemado ka nga. You can’t even identify brilliance can you? Mikey showcased brilliance! Patunay lamang na malawak ang alam niya sa nangyayari sa lipunan! So proud of him.
OMG: ‘K.

GMA: Unssholishited advice lang Mershi. ‘Wag masyadong mag-rely sa Igleshia huh. Hindi ito elekshyon. Walang bloc voting ngayon.
OMG: Sige ma’am.

GMA: Wait! Curioush lang ako. Kung niligawan ka ba ni Rudy Fariñas noong nassha Ateneo pa kayo, may chance na maging kayo?
OMG: Eeeew. Si ma’am naman.
GMA: Kung maka-eeew naman ‘to! Choosy??
OMG: Nanonood kasi ang asawa ko ma’am. Ayun o.
GMA: Ay! ‘Di ko nakita. I am shorry.
[End of transcript]

OMG Impeached
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez has been impeached by the House of Representatives. Relatives have prevented her from visiting deceased loved ones in the cemetery.

The House of Representatives has voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. This by far is the biggest accomplishment of Malacañang.

According to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, senators sitting as judge in the impeachment court will vote “according to their conscience,” to which ‘conscience’ said, “Hay salamat, for the first time, magagamit rin kami.”

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez will be tried in the Senate probably in May. Asked about his expectations on the impeachment trial, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Depende. Depende sa laman ng second envelope.”

The Arroyos
During the counting of votes at the House of Representatives Tuesday night, former President and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was caught by TV cameras talking on the phone. Unconfirmed reports say, she was overheard saying, “’Yong dagdag! ‘Yong dagdag sa NO votes, ‘asan na?!”

Defending his NO vote, party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo spoke on the floor and called on President Noynoy Aquino to assist beleaguered OFWs, and lower the prices of basic commodities. Watching at home, Merci Gutierrez was like, “And you expect me to thank you with that defense?”

Pacman Votes
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao who is training in Baguio City voted “No” via Twitter… mainly because he thought the question was, “Can you spell ‘impeachment?’”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao was apparently watching TV when the House of Representatives voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. On his Twitter account, Pacquiao voted “No.” Knowing him though, he’ll throw his support behind the ‘Yes’ voters soon.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao voted “No” via Twitter. Meanwhile, Richard Gomez voted ‘Yes’ via Lucy Torres.

In Other News…

The Court of Appeals has clarified that its earlier decision nullifying the warrant of arrest against fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson is executory. Sought for reaction, an overjoyed Lacson says he can’t wait to come home, go to his office, and convict Merci Gutierrez.

According to lawyer Alex Avisado, Senator Lacson is expected to surface very soon. In hiding for more than a year now, Lacson wants to sponsor some bills, reach out to his constituents, and save the marriage of Pampi and Jodi.

Mrs. Ligot, Again!
On Monday, the Senate Blue Ribbon committee resumed its hearing on the alleged corruption in the AFP. The probe began with the singing of the Philippine National Anthem. It was followed by an Invocation… of the right against self-incrimination.

Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot, admitted that she was on Valium during Monday’s Senate hearing. The first question asked her was, “Do you also produce concerts?”

Trustworthy
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 3 of 4 Filipinos trusted President Noynoy Aquino. To give you an idea, imagine JC Buendia, Paul Cabral, and Randy Ortiz. That’s three. Now, think of Liz Uy.
——————————————–
“Impeachment is not a remedy for private wrongs; it’s a method of removing someone whose continued presence in office would cause grave danger to the nation.”
~Charles Ruff

Survey Says
Ginagapang daw ng Iglesia ni Cristo ang impeachment case vs. Ombudsman Merci Gutierrez. Magtagumpay kaya ang INC at mabasura ang kaso?
-Oh no! Baka MANALO si Merci! 22.34%
- Hindi rin! Sus! 43.26%
- Let’s see. 34.4%

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EXECUTIONS

Mum on Execution
President Aquino refuses to comment on China’s decision to proceed with the execution of three Filipino drug convicts. The President is dismayed but he opts to keep quiet so as not to offend Beijing, its people, and Jejomar Binay.

China has decided to proceed with the execution of three convicted Filipino drug mules. President Aquino now considers sending Mar Roxas to Beijing.

OMG Impeachment
House justice committee chairman Niel Tupas says the Iglesia ni Cristo is supporting Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG). Alarmed, President Aquino is sending Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris to the INC headquarters.

Liberal Party secretary-general and Cavite Rep. Joseph Emilio Abaya has allegedly sent a text message warning fellow solons of “zero pork” if they wouldn’t vote for the impeachment of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Confused congressmen have less than 48 hours to decide between Iglesia and delihensya.

Overseas…
Libya is in chaos. People are angry, depressed, and losing hope. Wait a minute. That’s not in Libya. That’s outside Banco Filipino branches!

Jobless
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. says the government should brace itself for the rise in the number of unemployed Filipinos. In issuing the warning, Villar cited the developments in Japan, the Middle East, and Banco Filipino.

Radiation
Reports say Japan has detected abnormal levels of radiation in spinach near a stricken nuclear plant. The news has prompted Popeye to declare a truce with Bluto.

Hubert vs. Jessica
Hubert Webb has filed a civil suit against Jessica Alfaro for “giving false testimony.” He’s also filing a suit against Dante Jimenez for “giving Lauro Vizconde false hopes.”

Manila’s Finest?
Five members of the Manila Police District have been detained for allegedly pocketing 12 million pesos in ransom money intended for the release of a kidnapped Malaysian trader. The victim is still in shock. It was his first time to get kidnapped by two separate groups in 24 hours.

Before the accused cops surrendered, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim issued a shoot-to-kill order against them. Lest you forget, Lim has jurisdiction over the Wild, Wild Western Police District.

March 20th…
On this day in:

1868: The Jesse James Gang robs a bank in Russelville, Kentucky. They left with absolutely nothing because the bank they robbed was a branch of Banco Filipino.

1916: Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity. Oprah refuses to endorse it on her ‘Oprah Book Club’ because she couldn’t understand anything.

1942: In Australia, General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech in which he says: “I came out of Bataan and I shall return” – to the delight of Filipinos, and his two mistresses in the Philippines.

1956: Tunisia gains independence from France. Fifty-five years later, it would gain independence from its own president.

1990: Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering – a publicity stunt for her forthcoming return to the Philippines.

1996: The United Kingdom announces that humans can catch “mad cow disease” – otherwise known as pre-menstrual syndrome.

March 21st…
On this day in:

1843: Baptist preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts the world will end today. Tanga! Next year pa!

1970: The first Earth Day proclamation is issued. It didn’t help.

1980: On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas, the infamous character J.R. Ewing is shot by an unseen assailant, leading to the catchphrase “Who shot J.R.?” Ferdinand Marcos insists, “Rolando Galman.”

1985: Larry Flynt offers to sell his pornography empire for $26 million. Vicki Belo attempts but fails to buy it for Hayden Kho Jr.

1997: Inside a coffee shop at Tel Aviv, Israel, a suicide bomber kills 3 and injures 49. The barista survives and is now the manager of Starbucks Jerusalem.
——————————–
“I hate banks. They do nothing positive for anybody except take care of themselves. They’re first in with their fees and first out when there’s trouble.”
~Earl Warren

So True!
“Here, there’s no laws—only red light and green light. The jeepneys don’t respect anything.”
~American cager Marcus Douthit who was recently declared a “naturalized Filipino”

Survey Says
Sa pahayag ng Phivolcs na ripe sa paggalaw ang Marikina Valley Fault Line, ang una mong reaksyon:
-Deadma! Handa ako. 11.83%
-Nakakatakot naman. ‘Wag nga kayong ganyan. 26.33%
-Pray na lang tayo. 61.83%

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Today is March 18.
On this day in…

1928: Former Philippine president Fidel Ramos is born… making him 83 years old today, or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “awesome.”

1930: Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system is discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh. Seventy-six years later (2006), the International Astronomical Union would declare that Pluto wasn’t a planet, and that Tombaugh wasn’t an astronomer.

1965: Cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov becomes the first person to walk in space… with Congressmen Ronald Singson and Jules Ledesma, coming in at second and third place, respectively

1989: A 4,400-year-old mummy is discovered at the Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt. The mummy was Fidel Ramos’ classmate in grade school.

1998: Dressed as an Arab woman, Michael Jackson goes shopping at a toy store in Munich, Germany. Onlookers described Jackson’s cross-dressing as “effortless.”

Enjoy your Friday! Ingat!

RUMOR, RADIATION & HUMOR

Radiation Text Hoax
Because of a nuclear radiation text rumor, the president of the Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP) ordered the suspension of classes Tuesday, March 15. The PUP president was identified as Tomoyuki Nagoyo.

Amid the radiation text scare last Tuesday, classes in PUP were suspended. For those who are not familiar with PUP, it’s a state university located at Sta. Mesa Prefecture.

Saying “even the classes in Japan are normal,” DOST Secretary Mario Montejo described the decision of the PUP president to cancel their classes as “weird” and “outrageous.” But PUP students described the decision as “understandable,” and “exactly what we wished for.”

The Department of Justice has ordered the NBI to hunt down the source of the radiation text hoax. Seriously though, how can the NBI locate anonymous faceless texters when they couldn’t even locate Senator Panfilo Lacson? [Tigilan n'yo nga kami!]

The DOJ has ordered the NBI to investigate the source of the radiation text hoax. First stop: the manufacturers of Betadine.

Jobs
According to the National Statistics Office, more Filipinos became jobless in January. To which, Mar Roxas said, “Not me!”

Taiwan has announced the lifting of restrictions it imposed on OFWs. To which, Mar Roxas said, “That’s me!”

After a second meeting with former senator Mar Roxas, Taiwanese officials announced the lifting of restrictions on Filipinos applying for work visas. Taiwan has also recognized the Philippines’ two-VP policy.

Azkals Lose, Advance
The Philippine football team failed to score a win against Mongolia last Tuesday. Nonetheless, it wasn’t an embarrassing defeat. The final score? Azkals: 1, Mongolia: minus 12 degrees Celsius.

Last Tuesday, the Philippine football team lost to Mongolia. It was a tight match though – between the Azkals and the Eskimos.

Bank Holiday
Amid heavy withdrawals, Banco Filipino (owned by the Aguirre family) has declared a bank holiday. It has also changed its name to Blanco Filipino.

March 16th
On this day in…

1521: Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines sailing from the Atlantic Ocean into the Pacific Ocean. During his voyage, he and his men overcome pirates, hunger, and “radioactive rain” caused by a leak at Fukushima nuclear power plant.

1521: Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan arrives in the Philippines… disappointing female natives who were hoping to see Cristiano Ronaldo instead.

1521: Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reaches the island of Homonhon in the Philippines… where he was met by Phil Keoghan who gave him a clue, and said, “You’re still racing. This leg is not yet over.”

1945: In World War II, Iwo Jima is declared secure by the Allies… allowing Clint Eastwood to begin filming his next project.

Tabloids!

Abante Tonite: Panic buying na sa iodine
|> I’m sure, mga taga-PUP lang ‘yan

Remate: GSIS building at SM Mall of Asia, ilulubog ng malakas na lindol – Zubiri
|> Senator Zubiri o Madam Zubiri? Nanghuhula na siya ngayon?

Pinoy Parazzi: Laguna Board Member Angelica Jones, idedemanda si Illac Diaz
|> Hindi ka busy?

Hataw: Nora Aunor, kinukunsiderang maging Mrs. Aguinaldo ni Gov. ER Ejercito
|> Marunong mag-casino si Mrs Aguinaldo?

Abante: Donaire, ‘di pa tiyak ang kalaban
|> Ayaw mo kay Chino Trinidad?

Remate: Mga kongresista, inip na sa “pork”
|> Botcha ng ina n’yo!

Abante Tonite: James Blanco itinanggi ang monthly allowance mula sa super-yamang bading |> Masyado naman kayong judgmental. Itigil na nga ‘yang panghuhusgang ‘yan! (Malay n’yo naman, weekly)!
————————————————–
“An earthquake achieves what the law promises but does not in practice maintain – the equality of all men.”
~ Ignazio Silon

Survey Says
Mga lady bus drivers, papasada na! Ang iyong reaksyon:
- Pasado! 58.39%
- Kabado! 21.81%
- Sorry, hindi ako nagba-bus! 19.8%

Elsewhere
BBC News: Radiation text message is fake

Newsbreak: Solon throws P38 M in two nights

Newsbreak: How wealthy is Merci

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Health risks from radiation

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Have a productive Thursday! Ingat!

TABLOIDS

Pilipino Star Ngayon: PUP nagsuspinde ng klase dahil sa nuclear radiation scare!
|> Bakit? Nasaan ba ang PUP? Sa Fukushima?

Pilipino Star Ngayon: PUP nagsuspinde ng klase dahil sa nuclear radiation scare!
|> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi…

Bandera: Radiation, kumalat sa text!
|> Patay ang texter??

Bandera: Willie Revillame, senador o mayor?
|> Patay ang voter!

Abante Tonite: Mar balik-Taiwan!
|> Baka nagustuhan ang bottomless iced tea

Abante Tonite: Isandaang kandila para sa impeach Merci
|> Alin ang sisindihan? ‘Yong kandila o ‘yong Ombudsman?

Abante Tonite: Pangulong Noynoy, iwas-karne tuwing Biyernes
|> Karne, iwas-Noynoy tuwing Sabado hanggang Huwebes. (Quits lang.)

People’s Tonight: Ban sa mga plastik, ipinanawagan ng dalawang kongresista
|> Mga artista, umalma!

Abante Tonite: Rosanna Roces, mukha na talagang laos
|> Sino nga ‘yon?

Report: Porn actress Maria Ozawa says Japan will overcome hardships. |> Inspiring words from someone who has overcome hard-ons.

Report: Facebook Tokyo asks Tokyo people to stop overstocking
|> Facebook Philippines ask PUP people to stop overacting
——————————-
Peter Griffinn: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance: The five stages of buying gas.

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DOWN

The Climb
After the elevator he took going down stalled underground, President Aquino, on Ash Wednesday had to climb the equivalent of 24 floors to reach the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the third floor, he fell on his knees but was able to recover, and continued walking. But members of his official party, and Singaporean officials got the shock of their lives when, upon reaching the sixth floor, he fell for the second time and then “Veronica” appeared and wiped his face.

During a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore, President Aquino and his party were trapped underground and had to climb 24 floors to the surface after the elevator broke down. The president of Singapore has instructed his defeated vice presidential running mate to visit the Philippines and apologize for what happened.

The elevator servicing a water facility plant in Singapore broke down forcing President Aquino to climb 24 stories… or as Filipino consumers would call it, “floor hike.”

President Aquino climbed the equivalent of 24 stories during a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the top, he placed a Philippine flag and scribbled a note on the floor: ” Noynoy was here.”

Reports say President Aquino “coughed along the way” while taking the underground stairs to the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore last week. When he reached the top, Singaporeans applauded him and then, to his surprise, asked: “Dahon or The One?”

Orchid Noy
Last Friday, Singapore named an orchid after President Noynoy Aquino. The orchid has golden yellow petals, and flowering is accelerated by exposure to cigarette smoke.

Singapore’s National Parks Board named an orchid after President Aquino… surprising the Philippine leader who actually expected the board to name a variety of tobacco after him.

Japan Disaster
Nations around the world have been rushing to Japan’s aid after Friday’s devastating earthquake and tsunami. Britain is sending rescue units. China is sending search equipment. The Philippines is sending Joey Salceda.

The bad news: Japan is still trying to avert a meltdown at three earthquake-crippled nuclear reactors. The good news: it is easier to thwart than Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.

Japan is reeling from a disaster of historic proportions. In the Philippines, we have a term for that. Ombudsman.

“Battered”
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG) claims she’s a “battered woman” being harassed by vindictive congressmen. If it’s any consolation, she’s the only ‘battered woman’ in this country who can call for a press conference anytime she wants.

Roxas and Taiwan
President Aquino’s troubleshooter, former senator Mar Roxas will reportedly meet again with Taiwanese officials in Taipei… or as Roxas himself would call it, “dieting.”

March 14…
On this day in…

1879: Albert Einstein is born. The bouncing baby boy weighs 6.5 lbs. And that’s just his brain.

1906: The island of Ustica is devastated by an earthquake. Nations around the globe tried but failed to send help… because they didn’t know where Ustica was located.

1923: Warren Harding becomes the first U.S. president to file an income tax report… a day after Commissioner Kim Henares ordered the strict implementation of the government’s Run After Tax Evaders campaign.

1932: George Eastman, founder of the Kodak Company and inventor of the Kodak camera commits suicide. He and his girlfriend didn’t “click” so he “shot” himself.

1939: The Republic of Czechoslovakia is dissolved… mainly because nobody could spell its name correctly.

1943: Franklin Delano Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane while in office. The airplane crashes because the office is way too heavy.

1947: Moscow announces that 890,532 German POWs are held in the U.S.S.R. German POWs were the first batch of jejemons in the world.

1947: Ambassador Paul V. McNutt and President Manuel A. Roxas sign the Military Bases Agreement at Malacañang Palace. The agreement grants 22 military, naval, and air bases in the Philippines to the United States. In return, the Americans vowed to help develop the country’s red light districts.

1968: After only two seasons on television, ABC aired the finalé of “Batman.” The last episode showed Batman and Robin living happily ever after.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Any-Day-In-History, and Today in Science History.

Almost Arson
Karaoke singer-turned-comedienne-turned-TV host-turned sex video star-turned reality show contestant Ethel Booba tried to burn down her rented condo unit in Quezon City when she discovered that her boyfriend was gay. The CBCP described Ethel’s meltdown as “understandable.”

Pampi and Jodi
Actress Jodi Sta.Maria and husband, Pampi Lacson (son of Sen. Panfilo Lacson) have reportedly called it quits. Their six-year-old son Thirdy laments, “I rarely see my dad.” To which, Pampi said, “So do I.”
————————————————–
“People are resilient. After all, every person born has recovered from nine months on life support.”
~Robert Brault,

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, ano ang magiging hatol ng Senado sakaling humantong sa paglilitis ang impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez?
- Acquitted! Marami siyang kaalyado eh! 22.98%
- Convicted! Period. 42.24%
- Puwede bang maghintay? Huwag nga kayong atat! 34.78%

Have a great week. Always bring a whistle with you. Ingat!

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UP

Thia Megia!
Filipino-American Thia Megia made it to the Top 13 of American Idol Season 10. This morning, President Aquino ordered his allies in the Liberal Party to vote for her.

An American friend of mine says it seems a bit unfair that Filipinos are allowed to compete in “American Idol” – to which I replied, “Have you seen the players in the Philippine Basketball Association?”

Ash Wednesday
Lent – a season of sacrifice, officially began March 9 according to the Christian calendar. But according to the oil firms’ calendar, it began last week.

For the third time in eight days, the cost of fuel went up… or as oil companies would tell one another, “Merry Christmas!”

The Daily Bread
Aside from rising fare rates and fuel costs, the price of bread has also gone up. To give you an idea of how this has affected the lives of Filipinos, this Sunday, the Catholic Church is giving away bread coupons before the communion.

Gravity!
Reports say a woman fell from the 18th floor of a condominium in Makati City and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor of the building. At last, a news report that doesn’t use the word “hike,” “up,” “rise,” or “increase.”

A 20-year-old woman fell from the 18th floor of a condo building in Makati City, and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor. She survived the fall, and was eventually crowned first runner-up.

Noy in Jakarta
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is part of President Aquino’s delegation to Indonesia and Singapore as a “private adviser” – or as critics would say, “private president.”

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, former senator Mar Roxas paid for his airfare to Indonesia… something that wasn’t that remarkable, since he availed himself of Cebu Pacific’s Piso Fare Promo.

Last March 7, President Aquino flew low cost taking a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. He saved on government funds, and he enjoyed watching the dancing stewardesses.

President Aquino and his 53-man delegation took a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta last March 7. The president of Indonesia was “forewarned” so he delayed the welcome dinner for at least two hours.

In a speech before the Filipino community in Indonesia, President Aquino took a swipe at the Philippine media for reporting more negative news instead of positive ones. He specifically said, “I’ve announced many good developments, but my love life gets more attention.” So fault ng media? Fault ng media na bokya ka?

Viel’s Wish
President Aquino’s sister, Viel Aquino-Dee says she is wishing that her brother Noynoy would get married before his term ends in 2016. Viel is reportedly doing everything to make that wish come true. In fact, she has been relentlessly looking for a priest who’s willing to marry a man and a car.

Osama’s Birthday
Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is celebrating his 54th birthday today, March 10. It has been a busy and productive day for him so far. This morning, he renewed his driver’s license.

Islamic extremist Osama bin Laden is reportedly depressed. His birthday has been overshadowed by the apparent suicide of a former Al-Qaeda general who was accused of corruption.

Osama bin Laden is now 54 years old… or as Senator Enrile would call it, teenager.

Osama Bin Laden turns 54 today. He can’t wait to go home and enjoy the food prepared by his 54th wife.

Every year, Bin Laden’s youngest kids would participate in parlor games to entertain him on his birthday. But the tradition was stopped last year when the kids, oblivious of their father’s politics, played ‘Trip to Jerusalem.’

Sources say Osama bin Laden has been getting sickly of late. As a matter of fact, the 54-year-old Islamic extremist has an upset stomach at this very moment. Good thing there’s Al Qaeda-Seltzer.

Today is March 10
On this day in…

1876: Alexander Graham Bell makes the first successful telephone call to his assistant, Mr. Watson who was in a nearby room. The first words spoken into the invention were, “Hello Watsshon, will I still lead by 1 million?”

1910: China ends slavery… replacing it with child labor.

1911: Three La Salle Brothers – Augusto Coerrege, Blimond Pierre, and Louis Aloysius Gonzaga – arrived in Manila from Europe. They played three-on-three with Ateneo’s Jesuit priests.

1945: American troops land on Mindanao. Condom sales tripled.

1977: Astronomers discover rings around Uranus. Doctors would later call it ‘hemorrhoids.’

UST’s Cross
Sending a message “against the passage of the Reproductive Health Bill,” some 24,000 students, teachers, and school personnel converged at the University of Sto. Tomas to form what could perhaps be the world’s largest human cross. | ‘k.

Flash Back!
World bantamweight champion Nonito Donaire Jr. is back from the United States. In high spirits and all smiles, he was met by Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim at the airport. But Donaire’s mood suddenly changed when Mayor Lim handed him a token of appreciation from the City of Manila – a camisa de Chino.

La Salle: 100
The La Salle Community is celebrating 100 years of La Sallian presence in the Philippines today, March 10. La Salle students originally planned to form another human cross to beat the record set by UST yesterday. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on what shape to form.
——————————
“The only thing that we can be sure rises faster than the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.”
~R. Owens

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, ano ang magiging sunod mong hakbang?
- Impeachment. Haharapin ko ‘yan! 32.33%
- Makapag-resign na nga! D’yan na kayo! 45.75%
- Mag-iisip pa ko. Wait lang. ‘Wag demanding! 21.92%

Personal
Happy birthday to my frenemy TJ Manotoc, Miami Heat’s publicist, chief apologist, and No. 1 fan in the Philippines, and to Ms. Pia Hontiveros of ANC’s Strictly Politics!

Have a safe weekend ahead!

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KASABIHAN 2011

Mga bagong kasabihang “inspired” ng mga kaganapan sa ating paligid:

Ang sundalong nasusugatan, nag-iibayo ang tapang. Ang sundalong naaakusahan, maraming nalilimutan.

Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa, nasa mga heneral ang biyaya.

Ang paalala ay gamot sa nakakalimot, maliban na lang kung apelyido mo’y Ligot.

Kapag binato ka ng bato, PDEA ang tawagin mo!

Ang taong nagigipit sa bise presidente kumakapit. #drugmules

Bato, bato sa langit, kongresista ang nagpuslit.

Walang matiyagang lalaki sa pihikang babae. #lizuy

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may endorsement, may appointment. #aminin!

Naghangad ng kagitna, ‘sang salop ang nawala. Naghangad ng pogi, sa Vietnam nagwala. #mislang

Magpakahaba-haba man ang bakasyon, sa Malacaňang pa rin ang tuloy! #roxas

Ang kalusugan ay kayamanan… sabi ng mga Sharonian.
———————————-
Personal

The Miami Heat absorbed its fourth consecutive loss Monday morning (Manila time). During the post game interview, Korina asked LeBron James, “How does it feel to lose?” Lebron replied, “You first.”

After losing its game against the Chicago Bulls, some players of the Miami Heat got so emotional and cried. Their blood pressure also shot up. Because of this, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada decided not to ask post game questions.

It was another heartbreaking loss for the Miami Heat today. After the game, the players refused to talk to their Fil-Am coach Erik Spoelstra. In fact, they refused to MENTION the name of Coach Spo in television interviews. Felt slighted, Spoelstra complained about the “omission” to the KBP. .

Supreme Booboo!

Two weeks after its sister publication, Pilipino Star Ngayon announced that actor Paquito Diaz has died (when in fact, he was very much alive then), the Philippine Star on Monday, March 7 published a photo of former Philippine Ambassador to the US Willy Gaa and identified him as the newly-appointed Armed Forces chief Lt. Gen. Eduardo Oban Jr. in a banner story. Because of this latest blunder, the newspaper has decided to change its slogan to: (The Philippine Star) Oops shall prevail.

In Hollywood…
Charlie Sheen has been officially fired from “Two and a Half Men” on CBS. He is now considering an offer from TV5.

Today is March 8.
On this day in…
1565: The grandson of Miguel Lopez de Legazpi – Felipe Salcedo, takes possession of Leyte Island. But not after a bloody battle with the Romualdez family who would insist that Leyte was theirs.

Corny Corner
Q: Bakit ayaw magbakasyon ni Nonito Donaire Jr. sa China?
A: Kasi maraming Chino!
(Aminin!!)

Saturday Night Life
Last Saturday evening, we played another game on Twitter. The question was: If a famous Filipino’s sex organ could talk, what would it say? Here are some of my followers’  answers:

1: From @mykapalaran – Kris Aquino: Hello there! You look at them when you say hello there!
2: From @OscarDelaHopia – Teofisto.Guingona: Ang dami ko nang wrinkles.
3: From @iamDanyel – Loren Legarda: Ampalaya na naman?!
4: From @kettle_corn77 – Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto ko happy ka!
5: From @friedsoup – Kuya Germs: Walaaaaaang tulugan!
6: From @ylanna1925 – Korina: Hay sa wakas may naglakas-loob!
7: From @paopaoAJ – Hayden Kho: Only Belo touches my skin.
8: From @edge_genciagan – Mike Enriquez: Nakatutok, 24 Oras!
9: From @mikay_michelle – Boy Abunda: Kaibigan, usap tayo.
10: From @chiccoholic – Joey de Venecia: Back off!
11: From @one_lad – Joseph Estrada: Walang kumpa-kumpare, walang kama-kamag-anak, walang kai-kaibigan.
12: From @gigadom – Lovi Poe: Eighteen months? Eighteen months!!!!!???
13: From @markycortez – Mel Tiangco: Kasama mo, ngayon, bukas at magpakailanman.
14: From @iamjeram – Manny Pacquiao: Now you know.
15: From @Ro_nnie – Noli de Castro: T-Veyyy………………… Patrol!
16: From @momiitintin – Boy Abunda: Su-su-nod!
17: From @yourarcilicious – Chris Tiu: One Big Fight!
18: From @P0yt – John Lloyd Cruz: Ingat!
19: From @jpdoria – Michael V: Yari ka!!!
20: From @AbigailLimHo – Marian Rivera: Byutipoool.
21: From @MiaSariwa – Susan Roces: Not once! But twice!
22: From @jelandote – MMDA Chairman: May namatay na dito. (Gano’n kalaki?)
23: From @prettygoofykay – Mike Enriquez: Paaaasok!
24: From @angeldirecto – Charo Santos: Maalalala mo kaya?
25: From @purplefrance – Anthony Taberna: Dos por dos! (mehhhganun?)
26: From @ian_yg – Boy Abunda: Now na!!!
27: From @mchX – PBA Commentator: Kapit bayan!
28: From @jayspogi – Ruffa Gutierrez: Grabeehhh!
29: From @andredashpaul – Mar Roxas: P*t*ng-I*a! Ano ba ‘tong pinasok ko?
30: From me: Rufa Mae Quinto: Teka, kilala kita ah! Galing na rito ang tatay mo! #alamMoNA! #MrM!

Enjoy your week!

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Today is March 7.
On this day in:

1876: Alexander Graham Bell patents the telephone. Minutes later, the Chinese were mass manufacturing a similar device and selling it for half the original price.

1912: Roald Amundsen announces the discovery of the South Pole… two days after the discovery of the North Pole by Santa Claus.

1927: An earthquake measuring 8 on the Richter scale strikes Tango, Japan. Residents call it, “just another day in our country.”

1933: “Monopoly” is invented. In the Philippines, it becomes the instant favorite of the owners of Meralco.

1985: The song “We Are the World” has its international release. Twenty-five years later, Wyclef Jean would mangle it.

1997: Five people sue Japanese Prime Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto claiming his smoking has violated the country’s constitution guaranteeing a wholesome life. Then, a Central Azucarera de Tarlac executive, Benigno Aquino III called the suit ridiculous.

Have a safe Monday!

Thanks to Wikipedia, Any Day in History, and Today in History.

THE GOOD WIVES (?)

Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.

Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
- Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
- Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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Today is MARCH 3.
On this day in…

1815: The Kailianes (common people) of Sarrat, Ilocos Norte starts a rebellion against the Spaniards. More than a century later, Ferdinand Marcos would hail the Kailianes’ victory, and flaunt the three medals he received for fighting with them.

1847: Scottish-born American inventor Alexander Graham Bell is born. The midwife was stunned when baby Alexander didn’t cry, and uttered the word “hello” instead.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Seconds later, the king of Saudi received a Facebook friend request from the American president.

1939: Mahatma Gandhi begins fasting to protest the state’s autocratic rule… eventually becoming the first winner of “The Biggest Loser India.”

2001: Voting 13-0, the Philippine Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, not Joseph Estrada. The legitimacy would last only three years.

2005: Millionaire Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo without refueling… mainly because he couldn’t afford the cost of fuel.

Have a safe Thursday!

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Any Day In History, and Today in Science History.

NOYNOY vs. BONGBONG

President Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Bongbong Marcos exchanged potshots last week.

According to Sen. Bongbong Marcos, the Philippines could have been a rich state like Singapore if his father had not been ousted 25 years ago. In another news, a drug test among senators has been proposed.

This just in: There had been an intense and personal exchange of text messages between President Aquino and Senator Bongbong Marcos over the weekend. A reliable source who requested anonymity intercepted the following messages.

BONGBONG: can we tok?
NOYNOY: hu u?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! u deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino k b?
BONGBONG: gago! senator bongbong here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! y wud i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagre-rebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joooke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagde-decide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?
Silence.
(Note: Bongbong Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)

The Oscars
The telecast of the 83rd Academy Awards took more than three long hours to finish. Observers say the presentation was slow, or as OFWs in Libya would call it, DFA.

Singson Quits
Reports say jailed lawmaker Ronald Singson has resigned his post as Ilocos Sur representative. Quitting his post was the second most difficult decision he has made in years… next only to quitting drugs.

Killed by the Press
Last Sunday, the Philippine Star’s sister tabloid, Pilipino Star Ngayon headlined the “death” of veteran actor Paquito Diaz. But the actor’s family was quick to clarify that he was still very much alive. Embarrassed and shocked by its own blunder, the tabloid edited the story’s online edition, and wrote: “Paquito Diaz, pumanaw na! (Joooke!)”

Pilipino Star Ngayon or PSN has yet to identify the person who wrote the erroneous story on Paquito Diaz. And journalist Arlyn De La Cruz was like, “Don’t look at me!”
—————-
“The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse.”
~Author Unknown

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao, hayop o bagay na nasa larawan?
A: “Tweet! Tweet! Dadapo na ako sa pugad ko! Ayun o! Tweet! Tweet! Meron akong malaking itlog sa pugad!”
B: “Teka lang! Huwag mo akong pahiyain, may nakatutok na mga camera! Hindi ako ang istatwa! Ayun si Cardinal Sin, do’n ka!”
C: “Hahaha! Eh kasi naman anak, hindi ako kamukha ni Cardinal Sin! Mas kamukha ko si Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales! Siguro nagkamali ng kinopyahang picture ang iskultor! Aminin!”

Survey Says
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa sentensyang 18 months na imprisonment kay Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson?
- Puwede na ‘yon. Matututo rin ng leksyon ‘yan! 12.35%
- Sus! Ano ‘yon bakasyon? Dapat d’yan mas mabigat na parusa! 79.22%
- Wala akong pakialam! Piolo and KC Forever! 8.44%

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