HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESIDENT Benigno Simeon “Noynoy’ Aquino III. This has been a hectic day for the President. He’s been busy answering questions like, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” and “Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pagkamatay ni Secretary Reyes?”
On his 51st birthday, President Aquino went to the Land Transportation Office to renew his driver’s license. Talk about priorities.
Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on President Aquino’s Answering Machine
No. 10: “Hi Noy! Krissy here. Gosh! You’re 51 na!. In fairness huh, you don’t look your age. Para ka lang 50. Aha-ha-ha. Get back to you later. Taping lang ng ‘The Price Is Right’ – magpa-pilot on my birthday. Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko Noy! Pati sa answering machine mo, nagpu-promote ako! Aha-ha-ha!”
No. 9: “Hi Noy! Si Shalani ‘to. Ok.Thx.Bye!”
No. 8: “Oist! Ang bagal mo! ‘Asan ka na ba? Paubos na ang pulutan. Bilisan mo. Si Topaquits to. Kanpaiii!”
No. 7: “Mr. President, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginustong agawan ka ng atensyon sa iyong kaarawan. Pero nandito na ‘to eh, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko naman puwedeng bawiin. Happy birthday na lang! Si Angie Reyes nga pala ‘to.”
No. 6: “Ni hao ma! ‘Kaw ba ‘yan Plisidinte? Donald Tsang ‘to. Pati birdei, iyo telefono bisi. Ako dalawa ulit tawag iyo, lagi sabi, “Da numbel you dial is test-drybing. Ano ba iyo test dryb: Lexus? Ako naman gusto lang bati iyo. Pero phone mo naka-answeling machine. Hayyy na ko. Eniwei, hapi birdei. Pa-borger ka naman. Gusto ko borger sa McDo. Kasi McDonald Tsang. Ay korni. Ang korni ko. Ba bu na!”
No. 5: “Mahal na pangulo, hulaan mo na lang kung sino ako. Clue: Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron kang free will, gamitin mo ito. Happy birthday!”
No. 4: “Pards! Rico E. Puno ‘to! ‘Musta na? Naks! Singkwenta’y uno! Parang waist line ko lang! Happy birthday pards! Siguro naman, nalimutan na ng publiko ang mga kasalanan ko ‘no?! Babalik din ako d’yan kapag tuluyan nang natabunan ang isyu ng carjacking. Imagine na lang kung bumalik ako d’yan two weeks ago, wala akong maisasagot! Ano ako hilo? Don’t worry, I have pasalubong! Mahaba. Matigas. Maitim. Pumuputok! Ha ha ha! I know u missed me! Aminin! Sige pards… happy birthday ulit!”
No. 3: “Gosh! Sino ba ‘yong nag-iwan ng Message No. 4? He’s so… basta! He’s so! Hay naku Noy! You and the friends you keep talaga! Anyway, si Krissy ulit ‘to! Umiiyak na naman si Bimby, ano baaaa!? Naloka talaga ako nang lumapit kanina ang bagets. Nagsusumbong siya! Aha-ha-ha! “Mama, Tito Noy took my PSP. Mama, get it na from him.” Nakakaloka ka! Puwede, pakibalik? Now na!”
No. 2: “Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Wusshuuuu! Tampo ka na ‘no? Akala mo nalimutan ko na ang birthday mo? Puwede ba naman ‘yon? Kahit laging si Chiz ang kasama mo sa iyong Porsche, ‘di kita pwedeng balewalain! Sayang ang endorsement sa 2016 noh! Jooooke! O siya, enjoy your day. Try to get some ok? Joooke! Seriously pare, you need a girlfriend. Gumaya ka sa akin, almost perfect ang buhay. Happy sa wife, panalo ang sex life. Joooke!”
And the No. 1 birthday message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…
“Hellow? Noyci? Oh shorry. What I mean ish, Noynoy pala. I’m shure, ‘di mo inaashahan ang tawag na ito. And i’m alsho shure ayaw mong mag-greet ako. ‘Wag ka nang chooshy okay? In the firsssht pleysh, wala kang choish. Alam ko ang lahat ng numbersh sha palashyo. We’re not enemish naman ‘di ba? Nabashura na ang Truth Commisshion. So letsh move on, can’t we? Yesh, we can! Happy fifty-firssht birthday. ‘Wag mo nang ipagkalat na tumawag ako okay? Baka ma-chishmish pa tayo. Shecret na lang. Sssssh.”
Ka Joma’s Day, Too!
Today is also the 72nd birthday of CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison. To mark the Communist leader’s birthday in the Philippines, the New People’s Army blew up a cake.
The news spread like wildfire on the Internet: former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes is dead. But nobody believed the news item when it first came out… mainly because it was reported by Arlyn De La Cruz.
Angelo T. Reyes is dead. The AFP is shocked. They lost a former leader. DENR, DOE and DND employees are grieving. They lost a former boss. Oil firms are in mourning. They lost a former spokesman.
Quoting sources, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Secretary Angelo Reyes’ last word was “Sorry.” If that’s a clue, we know whom to blame for his death, ‘noh?
Former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes committed suicide. He shot himself while visiting his mother’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina City. A similar incident actually took place in 2005 when banker Ted Borlongan (who was then facing court cases) committed suicide near his mother’s & brother’s grave also at the Loyola Memorial Park. If you’re asking if ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia and Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot have relatives in the same cemetery, that I don’t know.
According to reports, former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes died from a self-inflicted wound to the chest. When Reyes’ boss, former president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Sana mahuli agad ang suspek.”
Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!
According to official records, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot owns eight houses in the United States. Quizzed about the properties, Ligot told the Senate he wasn’t aware of it. In fact, it was only during yesterday’s hearing that Ligot found out he had a wife.
Official records also showed Lieutenant General Ligot’s wife traveled at least 42 times to the US, Singapore, and Hong Kong from 1993 to 2004. Again, Ligot denied any knowledge of his wife’s travels. Why would he care nga naman? It wasn’t his money she was spending. Sa taumbayan ‘yon!
This just in:
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot is reportedly visiting the wake of former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes. Asked about the schedule of her visit, Lt. General Ligot says he’s not aware of her plans.
Oil Price Hike
Reports say the unrest in Egypt could actually lead to an increase in gas prices… or as Shell, Petron, and Chevron would call it, “big payday.”
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
“Para akong nabunutan ng tinik.” – stylist Liz Uy sa pagtatapos ng isyung nag-uugnay sa kanila ni Pangulong Aquino. Liz shares the same birth date with him. Happy birthday!
Sa inyong palagay, makatarungan ba ang pagkakabasura ng Court of Appeals sa murder charges laban kay Senador Lacson?
– OO. Free him! 16.28%
- HINDI! It’s unfair. 72.87%
– Hindi ko alam ang issue. 10.85%
Newsbreak: Angelo Reyes: “Wala na ‘to pare…”
Direk Joey Reyes on the Ligots: Discreet art of lying