HALU-HALONG MGA HULA

BAGONG TAON NA! Uso na naman sina Madam Auring, Madam Rosa, Madam Suzette, at kung sinu-sino pang madam. Isama n’yo na rin sina Madam Maricel Gaskell, Madam Rene Mariano at Madam Arman Cuban. Sila ang mga self-proclaimed psychics na kadalasan ay nagbibigay ng mga hulang kasinglawak ng Milky Way at kasing generic ng Phenylephrine HCl Chlorphenamine Maleate Paracetamol.

Halimbawa:
“May maaaksidenteng celebrity sa ikatlong quarter ng taon kung hindi siya mag-iingat.”
>> Susmaryosep! Sanlibo’t sanlaksa ang artista! Kapag pumalya pa naman ang hulang ‘yan, ewan ko na lang!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “May mga nasa administrasyon na lilipat sa oposisyon at vice versa.”
>> ‘Di nga? Grabeee! Nakakagulat talaga! Kakaiba! Hindi namin na-predict ‘yon! Ikaw lang ang nakahula niyan! As in!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “Magpapatuloy ang contribution ng OFW sa ating bansa dahil sa remittances.”
>> Wow! How earth-shaking! Isang bagong impormasyon na ngayon lang nalaman ng publiko! Mabuhay ka!

Heto naman ang ‘vibrations’ ni Ms Maricel Gaskell [for 2010]:
Richard Gutierrez – May posibilidad na lumipat ng station.
Piolo Pascual – Posibleng lumipat ng station.
>> Anong station? Gas station o water refilling station? Give me a break!

Isa pang prediksyon ni Ms Gaskell:
Sharon Cuneta – Hahawak ng isang posisyon sa gobyerno.
>> Sorry! Ang tanging hinawakan ni Shawie… ensaymada! I heard, feyvorit daw niya ‘yon!

NARITO NAMAN ANG MGA vibrations at prediksyon ngayong 2011 para sa ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan mula sa isang bagong sibol na psychic na itatago natin sa pangalang Madam Damin: puwedeng namnamin, huwag masyadong seryosohin.

President Noynoy Aquino
Magkakaroon ka ng bagong girlfriend… pero mas mauuna kang magkaroon ng boyfriend. Kung ayaw mo itong mangyari, lumayo sa lalaking nagsisimula sa R ang pangalan.

Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa
Katulad ng pangulo, magkakaroon ka rin ng bago… hindi girlfriend. Bagong trabaho. Good luck!

Assistant Secretary Mai Mislang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Makakatagpo ka na ng superpoging boyfriend. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan, paano, at magkano.

Secretary Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Ipagpaliban ang planong biyahe sa papasok na taon. Huwag na huwag bibisita sa ‘Samar.’ Maraming galit sa ‘yo doon.

Attorney Edwin Lacierda
Huwag mabahala sakaling makasama sa gagawing Cabinet revamp. Abogado ka. Malaki ang tsansa mong ma-reappoint na judge… judge sa 2011 Metro Manila Film Festival!

DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno
Marami akong inihandang hula para sa ‘yo. Kaya lang, hindi ko talaga maalala. Next year na lang.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Sayang! Kung sumuko ka between July and November, baka laya ka na rin ng December. Alam mo namang naging trend ang pagpapalaya at pagdi-dismiss ng mga kaso ngayong December 2010, hindi mo pa sinamantala. Galingan mo pang lalo ang iyong pagtatago ngayong 2011… dahil nakikita kong makikita ka!

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Sa 2011, you’ll reach another milestone. Isang anibersaryo ang ipagdiriwang n’yo ni Atty. Jose Miguel Arroyo. Twenty-two years na ang iyong boob job! Good job!

PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan
Sa kabila ng disappointing box office performance ng pelikulang ‘Rosario’ (kuwento ng buhay pag-ibig ng iyong lola) na ginastusan mo ng milyun-milyong piso, gagawa ka ng isa pang pelikula na tatawagin mong ‘Manuel.’ Kuwento ito ng iyong lovelife. Mangunguna ito sa takilya! Bongga!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Ingatan ang tiyan. Baka ‘di ka nila masikmura.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV
Noong ikaw ay nakakulong, ikaw ang fourth biggest spender sa Senado. Ambilibabol? Bilib it! Madodoble ito ngayong laya ka na. Spend wisely.

Miko Morelos, Inquirer Reporter
Magkakatotoo ang prediksyon ng isang socialite. Tatama ka sa lotto. Try mo ang Suertres o kaya EZ-2 .

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
& Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno
Lalo pang titindi ang inyong bromance. Matutupad ang plano n’yong makapag-abroad – together. Sabay kayong ipapatawag ng Hong Kong government para sa isang hearing on the Manila hostage crisis.

Jessica Alfaro, Vizconde massacre witness
Madlilim ang nakikita kong kapalaran mo. Mag-alis ka muna ng shades.

Sen. Loren Legarda
Malaki ang posibilidad na mahulog ang loob mo sa isang lalaking may dugong banyaga. Napakayaman ng lalaking ito. Aalukin ka niyang manirahan sa kanyang mansion… ang Playboy Mansion!

Shalani Soledad
Kung gusto mong manatili sa iyong trabaho ngayong 2011, ipagpaliban ang planong pambabasted sa isang masugid na manliligaw. Tiyaking palagi kang may kasamang alalay o PA kapag nasa dressing room. Mahirap na.

Kris Aquino
Matatagpuan mo sa isang sosyal at pang-mayamang mall sa Makati City ang lalaking matagal mo nang pinapangarap: matipuno, matangkad, tigasin. Siya ang lalaking magmamahal sa ‘yo nang tapat; ang lalaking magiging sunud-sunuran sa lahat ng gusto mo, at ang lalaking makakasama mo 24/7 habambuhay. Isa siyang mannequin.

Ex-future president Mar Roxas
Nakikita kong halos tiyak na ang pagbabalik mo sa pamahalaan ngayong 2011. Posible ring maging tatay ka. ‘Yan ay kung ‘di ka mauunahan ng pinakamahigpit mong kalaban. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang ‘menopause.’

At maraming iba pa!
>> Hindi pa rin magpapakita sa media ang CPP-NPA spokesman na si Gregorio ‘Ka Roger’ Rosal. Pero magpaparamdam naman ito. Awooooo!

>> May madadakip pang mga suspek ang NBI sa bar exams blast noong September. Itatanggi nila ang alegasyon, at bilang protesta, tatakbo sila nang hubo’t hubad sa palibot ng NBI Headquarters.

>> Isasapelikula ni Carlo J. Caparas ang buhay ni Gerardo Biong, ang pulis na nasangkot sa Vizconde massacre. Ngunit hindi mabubuo ang pelikula dahil tuwing matatapos ang isang shooting day, laging may magaganap na sunog sa set.

>> Malalampasan ng Pilipinas ang matitinding bagyo. Pero kung hindi, ‘wag mag-alala… ang bagyo mismo ang lalampas sa Pilipinas. Hello Taiwan!

>> Lalo pang sisikat ang mga Azkals. #sorryvietnam #maiMGApogiRITO

>> Mag-ingat sa mga bus. Alam mo na kung bakit.

>> Patuloy na maaapektuhan ang katinuan ng isang mambabatas dahil sa bawal na gamot. Posibleng humantong ito sa paghihiwalay nila ng kanyang misis.

>> Isang pulitiko ang masasangkot sa isang iskandalo. Mag-uugat ito sa away nila ng kanyang dating kinakasamang starlet. Si pulitiko ay may kapatid din sa gobyerno, at ang kanilang ama ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Delikado!]

>> Mahuhulog ang loob ng isang TV reporter mula sa isang malaking network sa isa ring TV reporter ng kalabang network. Pareho silang lalaki. Si TV reporter No. 1 ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Mas delikado!]

>> And finally, tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang court battle between ABS-CBN and Willie Revillame. At wala akong pakialam!
———————————-
“We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there.”
~Charles F. Kettering

Survey Says
Kumusta naman ang lovelife mo ngayong patapos na ang 2010 at papasok na ang 2011:
- Panalo! Super inlove! Mamatay kayo sa inggit! 25.84%
- Oks lang. Sakto lang. Bakit nakikialam ka? 29.48%
- Lovelife?!? Tao ba ‘to? Hayop? Lugar? Pangyayari? Pagkain? 44.68%

Personal
Sa inyong lahat mula Batanes hanggang Tawi-tawi, from Asia & Oceania to Europe, Africa, the Americas and Antarctica, thank you so much for keeping me company in 2010. This has been an awesome year for this blog and YOU made it possible. YOU! YOU! YOU!

Looking and moving forward to an even more meaningful and fun-filled 2011 kasama kayong lahat!

Maraming salamat! Have a safe, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

I love you people! #chizcurls #kesongputi #chizwhiz

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DANGEROUS

2011 Budget
On Monday, President Aquino signed into law the P1.645-trillion General Appropriations Act of 2011… drawing praise and a loud applause from lawmakers who couldn’t wait to reimburse their expenditures last election.

Firecrackers!
According to the Department of Health, the top causes of injury on New Year’s Eve are (in order): 1) piccolo 2) kwitis 3) five star 4) whistle bomb 5) boga, and 6) triangle. Surprisingly missing from the list are ‘katigasan ng ulo’ and ‘katangahan.’

Instead of firecrackers, the use of pots and pans to make noise on New Year’s Eve has been recommended by the Department of Health. Or you could also try any Kris Aquino movie.

Last weekend, a 44-year-old woman from Bulacan committed suicide by swallowing piccolo firecracker. It was the second suicide try by the woman. In her first attempt, she tried to swallow pots and pans.

According to the DOH, even ‘torotot’ is dangerous for kids. Yeah, we know. They have to become adults first before they engage in that.

MMFF Awards
Several people are questioning the results of the MMDA-organized Metro Manila Film Festival Gabi ng Parangal. But that’s totally unfair. Awards are subjective. Besides, why expect too much from the very same people who run the metro’s traffic system?

Palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda headed this year’s MMFF board of jurors. Ignoring criticisms, Lacierda insisted that the list of winners was “fine-tuned” before being made public.

Top 10 Things Overheard At the Recent Dinner in Malacanang When President Aquino Arrived with Stockbroker Maria Elena ‘Len’ Lopez

No. 10: “’Yan ba ang bagong chick ni Presidente?!?! Wehhh?”

No. 9: “O Ricky, ‘yong promise mo huh. ‘Wag mo munang ili-leak sa ANC.”

No. 8: “’Asan ba ‘yong number ni Victor Agustin ng Manila Standard Today? Ah, here. 0918-904-3826 Send! Bingo!”

No. 7: “In fairness, mukha namang palaban. Good luck kay Kris!”

No. 6: “As agreed in last week’s Cabinet meeting: no cameras, no cell phones, no videocams, nothing! Paki-deposit na lang sa reception.”

No. 5: “Ano kayang ipinakain sa kanya?”

No. 4: “Kinain kaya niya? Eeew!”

No. 3: “(Whispering) Pare, tuloy ang pustahan huh. Basta hula mo, hanggang mid-January lang. Sa ‘kin, feeling ko tatagal ‘yan hanggang birthday niya sa Feb. Deal?”

No. 2: “Oo ngaaaaaaa! Mas maganda nga siya kesa kay… Rico E. Puno!”

And the no. 1 thing overheard at the recent dinner in Malacanang when President Aquino arrived with stockbroker Len Lopez…

“Good evening. Ang sinumang magkukuwento sa media na nandito ngayong gabi si Len ay automatikong kasama sa Cabinet revamp next month. Maliwanag?”
————————————
“Kung ako ang may tindahan, lahat ng tao except for you, bebentahan ko nang mura. Sa ‘yo lang ako magmamahal.”
#chizcurls #kesongputi #chizescudero

Survey Says
Forty-two years na ang Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas. Any message?
5.24% – Mabuhay kayo! Ituloy ang pakikibaka para sa tunay na pagbabago sa gobyerno!
73.80% – Forty-two? Hayyyy, sad. Stop na kasi! May ibang paraan pa upang makamit ang pagbabago.
20.96% – Wala akong pakialam sa kanila.

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Have fun! Stay away from drugs. Don’t party too much!
Spread the love. Ingat!

COMPROMISE

CPP Turns 42
The Communist Party of the Philippines marks its 42nd year today, December 26. To celebrate its anniversary, CPP founding chair Jose Maria Sison will blow 42 candles while the CPP’s armed wing, the New People’s Army will blow up 42 cell sites.

Batch ‘71
The more prominent members of the Philippine Military Academy Batch ’71 reportedly enjoyed their Christmas shopping last week. Sen. Gringo Honasan bought jewelry for his wife; Senator Panfilo Lacson bought toys for his grandson, and ex-General Carlos Garcia bought temporary liberty for himself.

Ex-General Carlos Garcia who is facing plunder charges is out on bail! Rumors say the Sandiganbayan granted him liberty because they believed his alibi that he was in the United States when the crime took place and that he didn’t personally know Jessica Alfaro.

Cabinet Revamp
Last Friday, Presidential Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that President Benigno Aquino would revamp his Cabinet next year. Quoting the President, Carandang said three cabinet officials would be affected by the reshuffle. He did not reveal their names although one thing’s for sure, those guys have no interest whatsoever in guns or target shooting. #sorrynalang

BIR’s Wrong List
Earlier this month, the Bureau of Internal Revenue released an erroneous list of the Top Individual Taxpayers for 2009. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was quick to deny that the list was made by Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa.

Len Lopez
Last December 16 President Aquino reportedly brought along his latest date, stockbroker Maria Elena “Len” Lopez to a sit down dinner with Cabinet officials and their spouses. Two words: (click here).

Annoying
For the second straight year, “whatever” was voted the most annoying word or phrase by Americans according to The Marist Poll. Meanwhile, in the Philippines, for the third straight year, voted the most annoying was Kris Aquino.

Pacman On Top
CNN’s Sports Illustrated has chosen Manny Pacquiao and his 2010 bouts as the year’s biggest boxing story. In close second was the Balay vs. Samar fight.

Solon Loses Cool
Alliance of Volunteer Educators (AVE) party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay reportedly berated a PAL ground attendant when he and his sons could not be seated together in the business class section of a PAL flight to Los Angeles recently. When told that all seats were taken, Magsaysay allegedly told the attendant “Shut up you bitch! You menopausal bitch. Ipapasisante kita.” Apparently, this educator was a terror teacher.

An incensed AVE party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay reportedly told a ground attendant, “Shut up bitch! You menopausal bitch!” Dahil d’yaaan, may nagtxxxxxxt! “Dear Congressman, saan ka ba nagpunta? Hinahanap ka na ng iyong amo. Bumalik ka na raw sa iyong kural.”

Flight Attendants Win
Favoring the Flight Attendants’ and Stewards’ Association of the Philippines in their dispute against Philippine Airlines, the Department of Labor and Employment has increased the mandatory retirement age of all flight attendants to 60 years old. The decision was slammed by PAL… and AVE party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay.

Crotch Me if You Can
Airport authorities nabbed a 38-year-old passenger headed for Cotabato City Airport on Christmas day after a packet of suspected shabu, or methamphetamine hydrochloride, was found in his underwear. Airport cops were definite about the substance saying, “Kapag shabu kasi, ‘di ka makakatulog. ‘Yong kuwan niya gising na gising!”
———————————————-
“Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.”
~ Howard Hughes

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng errors sa new Philippine peso bills, your take:
- Importanteng maitama ang mali. Maliit man ang error, error pa rin. 49.76%
- Sus! Masyadong pinapalaki ang isyu. Lahat na lang pinansin. 40.67%
- Wala akong pakialam. 9.57%

Elsewhere
Palace releases list of holidays for 2011

CNN Sports Illustrated: Top Boxing Stories: Pacquiao is No. 1

CNN Sports Illustrated: Azkals made it on the list of the Top 10 Football Stories

Personal
The Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Miami Heat in today’s Christmas battle. Sa mga fans ni LeBron at ng Miami Heat, heto ang sa inyo: [Click here.]

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Christmas Tidbits
Malacañang’s Christmas party last week was supposed to be exclusive to Cabinet officials. Confusion ensued however when Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa’s guest list inadvertently included some Communists and Sen. Gringo Honasan.

President Aquino was a no-show at the Presidential Communications Group-sponsored party. Secretary Ricky Carandang said the President was sent an invitation that apparently didn’t reach him. But Secretary Herminio Coloma believed the group actually forgot to send him one. Palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda explained, “At the end of the day, whether an invitation was sent or not, it’s still the thought that counts.”

Even without President Aquino, the Presidential Communications Group’s Christmas party pushed through. In fact, Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang had a blast during the event. Nagpa-raffle kasi ng pogi.

The Department of Interior and Local Government also sponsored a Christmas party. But there was this brief tense moment when a Christmas light bulb exploded and injured a guest from Hong Kong. Local Government Sec. Jesse Robredo couldn’t really explain how it happened saying it was Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno who was in-charge of the Christmas decors.

Undersecretary Rico E. Puno had the most number of guests during the DILG party. Asked who his visitors were a day later, he couldn’t remember anyone of them.

The Christmas party of the Commission on Human Rights started late, by at least an hour to be specific. CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing refused to start the program unless CHR employees followed her preferred seating arrangement.

The justices of the Supreme Court had so much fun during their own Christmas party. Divided into two groups, the justices performed two production numbers… which, as discovered by UP professors later, were copied from ‘ASAP’ and ‘Party Pilipinas.’

The Department of Tourism’s Christmas party was the most colorful of them all. Rumors say the DOT spent 5 million pesos! And that’s for the backdrop of the stage alone.

Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson spent his Christmas in Hong Kong because the judge hearing his drug case did not allow him to spend it here in the Philippines. Despite his sad fate, Singson remained in “high” spirits.

In Times Street, the Aquinos tried but failed to reenact the Nativity Scene… when Kris Aquino, who played the role of Mary, tried to divorce the man who played Joseph for psychological incapacity.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
—————————–
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
~Erma Bombeck

PERSONAL:Christmas Collision
Sino ang hindi dapat kasama sa larawang ito?

Siyempre, dapat wala d’yan ‘yong iyaking self-proclaimed king ng Heat!
Let’s go Lakers! #beattheheat
December 26, 8AM

Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

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[Photo template courtesy of Office Max' Elf Yourself]

2010: YEAR IN REVIEW (Part 2)

FROM CYBERSPACE…
Knock! Knock
Who’s there?
Civil War.
Civil War who?
Civil War ang tunay na mahirap. Civil War ang tunay na may malasakit.

Isa pa!
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Who’s there?
Knock! Knock!
Knock! Knock! Who?
Knock! Knockaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura? Nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada?

And with that saksakan nang korning “Knock, Knock” joke, The Professional Heckler announces the year’s catchiest election-themed tune: ex-future President Manny Villar’s “Nakaligo ka na ba…” jingle. The song became overly popular, it even eclipsed the popularity of its candidate. In fact, kung ‘yong jingle ang pinatakbo sa pagkapangulo, baka ito pa ang nanalo! Pramis!

SPECIAL CITATIONS
Biggest Losers
- Manny Villar
- Mar Roxas

Biggest Shocker
- Jejomar Binay’s win against Mar Roxas
- Manny Villar’s third place finish
- The ‘acquittal’ of Hubert Webb et al.

Biggest “Hindi na namin ikinagulat!” News
- The defection of Lakas stalwarts to other parties
- The Noynoy Aquino-Shalani Soledad breakup
- The Kris Aquino-James Yap breakup
- The transfer of Willie Revillame to another station
- The loss of Jamby Madrigal in the presidential race

Biggest “Eh Ano Naman Ngayon?!” News a.k.a. So, What?!?
- The loss of Jamby Madrigal in the presidential race
- The return of Noli De Castro and Korina Sanchez to TV Patrol
- The Kris Aquino-James Yap breakup
- Lito Lapid’s proposed bill seeking to limit the weight of school bags
- Vicki Belo and Hayden Kho: Together Again (weh ano ngayon!)

Funniest Political Joke of the Year
- Vetellano Acosta

“Sumuko Ka Na, Napapaligiran Kita; Hindi Ako Susuko, Marami Ako” Award
- Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson

“The Lord Has Failed Me! Not Just Once, But Twice!” Award
- Defeated presidential aspirant Bro. Eddie Villanueva

Bromance Statement of the Year
“Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).”
~Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno on embattled Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim

Most Irritating Tongue-Twisting Acronym
- N-D-R-R-M-C (National Disaster Risk Reduction Management Center)

Most Titillating Acronym
- TTMO (Traffic Transport Management Office of the Metro Manila Development Authority) TTMO rin!

The David Blaine ‘May Future ka sa Magic’ Award
- Alberto Lubang, the tourist bus driver who miraculously & mysteriously escaped by removing his handcuffs  using only a nail file. Sinapian yata ni Mother Ricky Reyes!

Most Overused Words/Phrases
- Taaamah!
- Major, major

Most Irritating Words
- Kapamilya
- Kapuso

2010: The Top 5 of Whatever! (Part II)
Noy & Kris.
Highs and lows.
Hits and misses.
Villains and heroes.
Idiots and geniuses.
Defective EOs.
They all made 2010 twice as exciting. And they also made it on our year-end list.

TOP 5 VILLAINS/VILLAINOUS MOMENTS

First Philippine Industrial Corporation
- For its crime against the environment. For putting the lives of West Tower condominium residents and the health of a whole barangay in Makati City in continuous peril. Ang kapal ng mukha n’yong mag-conclude na wala kayong pagkakamali ‘tapos mag-aalok kayo ng isandaang libong piso?!? Isaksak n’yo sa tubo n’yo!

DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno
- The shooting buddy with selective amnesia revealed that five groups were working to have him ousted. Apparently, he outfoxed all five of them. Ikaw na! As one columnist suggested, Rico E. Puno could very well be, albeit unofficially, President Aquino’s First Gentleman. Sweet!

The Local Media
- August 23. Hostage crisis. Nine lives. ‘Nuff said. [We will never forget.]

The Supreme Court
- For teaching us a strange lesson in honesty: Kahit kumopya ka pa nang kumopya, siguradong lulusot ka, basta’t walang malisya. Buwakanangina!

Asst. Sec. Carment ‘Mai’ Mislang
- #Ewan #ko #ba #naman #sa #yo #kung #bakit #sa #Vietnam #ka #pa #naghanap #ng #lalaki! #But #we #have #forgiven #you. #And #since #Christmas #naman #ngayon, #narito #ang #gift #namin #sa #yo: #isang #paalala #na #hindi #lahat #nang #araw #suwerte #ang #pagiging #cute. #CLICKHere.

Special Mention (Villains):
Delfin Lee and Globe Asiatique: “Chili con artist Prize.” Ang kapal din naman ng apog mong kasuhan ang PAG-IBIG. Naniniwala kami sa karma! Think Legacy’s Celso De Angeles! ‘Tsaka, a-ha! So anak mo pala ang socialite who’d always carry an Hermes bag. Now we know! #mahiyanamankayosapagflauntngyamannyo

TOP 5 HEROES

Commission on Elections /Smartmatic-TIM
- Sa kabila ng mahaba at tila walang katapusang pila sa mga presinto, nairaos nang matiwasay ang halalan. Ang tanong: kumusta na sina Ruffa Gutierrez at Cesar Flores? Eh sina Cesar Flores at Pia Cayetano? Wala lang.

Manny Pacquiao & Charice Pempengco
- Manny for his 8th world title and Charice for making it big in Hollywood – despite the Botox brouhaha. To Vicki Belo… boo!

University of the Philippines-National Institute of Geological Sciences (UP-NIGS)
- Sa pinuhunang sipag at tiyaga upang mahanap ang pinagmumulan ng tumatagas na langis sa Makati City: isinalba n’yo ang maraming buhay at ang isang buong pamayanan. Mabuhay!

Raissa Laurel, Bar Exams Blast Victim
- Sa iyong matapang na pagharap sa hamon ng buhay. Ikaw ang nagsilbing mukha ng bawat inosenteng biktima ng karahasan sa loob o labas man ng pamantasan. Padayon!

Justice Sec. Leila De Lima
- For being just. For being fair.

Special Mention:
Maria Venus Raj: Ipinaglaban mo ang iyong korona. Ipinaglaban mo ang iyong pagka-Pilipina. A fifth place finish was no mean feat. Pagpasensyahan mo na kung mean kami sa iyong major, major blunder sa Q&A portion. Ang mahalaga andun ka!

TOP 5 ‘BIGLANG SIKAT’ MOMENTS

The RP XI
- Etheridge. Younghusband. Youngerhusband. Greatwich. Gier. De Jong. Araneta. Barsales, atbp. Thank you for lifting our spirits in December. The overachieving Azkals’ great run in the AFF Suzuki Cup did drum up our interest in football. And yes, the boys’ charm did drum up a generous businessman’s ‘interest’ in the sport too. In fairness.

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal
- The very affable and accommodating poll commissioner has become the favorite resource person among journalists. I’m sorry but… James Jimenez who? #intrigaYan!

Miko Morelos, Inquirer reporter
- The “almost” Grand Lotto winner was a victim of sheer ignorance. #magtagokana #anjanNAangMGAinaanakmo

Michael Rogas, RMN News
- What happens when a radio anchor attempts to become a hostage negotiator on-air, live nationwide? Michael Rogas happens. Boo!

PCSO’s Grand Lotto 6/55
- Utang na loob. Huwag na huwag kang magdi-deny. Tumaya ka rin sa 6/55 lotto draw, right? The biggest windfall in the history of Philippine lotto lured thousands of Filipinos to lottery outlets. In the end though, a New York-based balikbayan won the 741.1 million-peso jackpot! ‘Yun ay kung totoo ang claim ng PCSO. Malay natin. Hmpf! #bitterOcampo #ampalaya

Special Mention (Biglang Sikat):
The Precinct Count Optical Scan or PCOS machine

TOP 5 “OUCH! I GOT IGNORED” MOMENTS

President Aquino and Chief Justice Renato Corona
- Because Corona was a “midnight appointee” of ex-president GMA, Aquino refused to take his oath before him. Instead, he announced that a barangay captain in Tarlac was prepared to swear him in. But the law doesn’t allow that and Noynow doesn’t know the law. Toingggkk! Thus, another justice had to administer his oath at Quirino Grandstand. But the Cold Wave Pagoda Lotion treatment didn’t stop there. During his inaugural address, the newly installed president did not acknowledge the presence of the Chief Jutice. Supladito!

The Philippines and the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony
- Salamat sa presidenteng nahalal sa demokratikong paraan, ang Pilipinas ay napabilang sa talaan ng mga bansang nabahag ang buntot sa autoritaryang China at hindi sumipot sa Nobel Peace Prize ceremonies sa Oslo, Norway. Wow, ito lang naman ang mga kaliga nating bansa: Tunisia, Serbia, Iraq, Morocco, Egypt, Sudan, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, at Kazakhstan. Eh bakit ‘di na lang kaya natin palitan ang pangalan ng Pilipinas? How about Cowardstan? O kaya Sunudsunuransachinastan?

Vice President Binay and the DILG portfolio
- In a last ditch effort to bag the DILG post, Binay visited Times Street in June. But Noynoy won’t offer him the post. So what did Binay tell the media? “I am not going to accept any Cabinet post!” Tampo much? Makalipas ang dalawang linggong pagmumukmok at paghilom sa nasugatang ego, Binay accepted the post of HUDCC chair (housing czar). Three months later, he was also named presidential adviser on overseas Filipino workers’ concerns. ‘Yan ba ang ayaw sa cabinet post? Dala-dalawa! At take note, ang vice president meron na ring pork barrel! Sa’n ka pa!

Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao
- Pacman keeps giving in to his demands and yet, Floyd Jr won’t agree to a megabuck fight. Wala ka talagang bay*g! Teka, hindi mo maiintindihan, so I’ll have to say it in English: You know what Mayweather? Duwag ka! Toingkk!

Liz Uy and Noynoy Aquino
- The lady formerly known as John Lloyd Cruz’s girlfriend was just not that into the man formerly known as Shalani Soledad/Korina Sanchez/Barbara Milano/Bernadette Sembrano and 14 others’ boyfriend. Ending: he got dumped. The dating just stopped. Malacañang explained Liz’s and the President’s schedules wouldn’t just match. Utot!

TOP 5 BIGGEST DUDS

August 23 Manila hostage crisis rescue
- With Isko Moreno as president, and a radio anchor as chief negotiator, magtataka pa ba kayo kung bakit pumalpak?

Executive Sec. Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa
- EO No. 1 pa lang, sablay na, may defective amnesty list pa. Subukan n’yong hanapin ang salitang “palpak” sa bagong bersyon ng illustrated Filipino dictionary at katabi nito ang larawan ni Ochoa.

May 10, 2010 Failure of Elections Scenario
- Maraming natakot. Maraming nagduda. Maraming kumuwestyon sa kakayahan ng Comelec at Smartmatic/TIM na pangasiwaan ang kauna-unahang automated elections sa bansa. Sorry, SABLAY kayong lahat! Tagumpay ang eleksyon! Everyone hailed the polls as credible, with the exception perhaps of defeated Quezon City mayoral candidate Annie “Two Flash Cards” Susano. Columnist Conrado De Quiros and lawyer Harry Roque, two of the more vocal critics of the Comelec automation project even apologized for predicting disaster. Ikaw na!

DOT’s Tourism Campaign Logo
- Goodbye 5 million pesos! Polska… Kay Ganda!

Manny V. Pangilinan’s Ateneo Graduation Speech
- Dahil kinopya pala niya ang ilang bahagi ng talumpati ng mga kilalang tao sa mundo gaya nina Obama, Oprah, JK Rowling at Conan O’Brien, na-imbyerna hindi lamang ang mga Atenista kundi ang libu-libong taong humahanga sa nag-iisang MVP. Tumanggi si Ateneo de Manila University president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres na tsugiin siya sa Board of Trustees ngunit dahil may delicadeza ang inyong lola, nagsumite ito ng irrevocable resignation. Bongga!

Special Mention (Biggest Duds):
- ABS-CBN’s “Pilipinas, Win na Win”
- GMA 7′s ‘Asar Talo Laging Panalo’ hosted by ex-future vice president Edu Manzano
- Malacanang’s handling of HK Executive Donald Tsang’s call during the Luneta hostage crisis
Secretary Coloma: Si Donald Tsang tumawag??? I seriously doubt that.
Secretary Carandang: Yes, he did.
President Aquino: Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.
[Samakatuwid, kasalanan ng pinto. Punyetang pinto ‘yan, hindi man lang nagsalita.]

TOP 5 “PANSININ N’YO NAMAN AKO” MOMENTS
Kris Aquino on The Buzz (March 14)
- 5:45PM Araw ng Linggo. Dalawang buwan bago ang eleksyon. Sa kalagitnaan ng mainit na kampanya, ito ang bumungad sa ating mga telebisyon:
“Masakit po sa akin dahil ginagamit ako para sirain ang pamilya ko. E, nagbago naman po ako, e. Hindi naman po ako ang tumatakbo. Sige na ho gamitin n’yo na ako kung gusto n’yo talagang sirain si Noy. Kung ako na lang ang kasiraan ni Noy, sige gamitin n’yo po ako. Minamahal po namin ang bayan natin kaya po lahat ng ito pinagdadaanan namin.”
Excuuuuuuuuze me but WHO rattled your cage? It’s as if ikaw lang ang bukod tanging kinawawa, inalipusta, siniraan, tinira-tira, inapi-api, at inaapak-apakan noong halalan. And you know what’s more annoying? We enjoyed it! We enjoyed every second of your hysterics, your histrionics, your dramatics! Lahat ng iyong -ics! Nakakainis ka! ‘Nyeta!

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard a.k.a. Jason Ivler’s mother
- Pieta? Kunsintidora? Kayo na ang humusga! Kung hindi pa n’yo siya kilala, heto po siya: si Marlene Aguilar-Pollard…

Koala Boy
- In a Congressional hearing last May, “alias Robin” a.k.a. Koala Boy exposed the alleged massive election fraud during the May 10 automated elections. That hearing in Congress was also the biggest gathering of losers in recent history. It also marked the first time that a marsupial visited a crocodile farm.

Nanay Curing Villar
- It was one of the lowest points of the Villar campaign: turning a rocking chair-stuck octogenarian into campaign paraphernalia. How could you people!? Seriously, how could you?!

Sharon Cuneta
- Last July, she publicly aired her gripe against her Tito Sen (Sotto) and pareng Bong Revilla for not supporting husband Kiko Panglinan’s bid for the Senate presidency. Also in July, she reportedly confronted Piolo Pascual with regard to an issue involving daughter KC Concepcion. Last month, she took a swipe at Aga Muhlach during a Big Dome concert of Ai-Ai De Las Alas. And just last week, her name got dragged into the Sarah Geronimo-Cristine Reyes quarrel. Kaya mga kababayan, personal na po akong umaapela at nananawagan sa inyo. Parang awa n’yo na po, pansinin n’yo naman siya. Please lang. Salamat po.

THE YEAR IN PHOTOS

“WTF Are We Doing” Moment of the Year
- The bungled rescue of the Hong Kong tourists as seen worldwide. Ang maso, bow!

“That’s Just Awkward” Moment of the Year
- President Aquino and former President Arroyo in the longest limousine ride of their lives

Ewwww Photo of the Year
- Earlier this year, VP candidate Jejomar Binay bravely admitted he once had an illicit affair. Despite these photos, parang ayaw ko pa ring maniwala. Pero nand’yan na eh. So tanggapin na lang natin. Ganu’n talaga ang buhay eh. Minsan, may mga pangyayaring hindi maipaliwanag kahit ng siyensya.

Worst Election Campaign Giveaway
- Hindi na siya natuto! Matapos mamahagi ng bracelets sa lamay ni former President Aquino, akalain mong mamigay pa noong kampanya! For someone as filthy rich as her, that’s beyond cheap. That’s cheapipay!

SPECIAL MEDIA AWARDS
Experiment of the Year:
- Radyo Singko (TV5): The former MRS 92.3; JOEY@92.3; 923-JOEY, and 92.3XFM ushered in a new era in radio broadcasting: AM programming in the FM band. Mehhhh ganun?!?

Breakthrough Radio Tandem of the Year
- Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla, SRO (DZMM/ABS-CBN)

Media Comeback of the Year
- Noli De Castro, DZMM and TV Patrol (ABS-CBN)

“Nabulabog ang Newsroom Dahil sa Ginawa Niya” Award
- Maria Ressa and her decision to resign as head of ABS-CBN News

“Kakapusin Ka ng Hininga sa Sobrang Haba ng Extro” Award
- “Walang kinikinilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan, walang bahid-pulitika, serbisyong totoo lang” (GMA News)

“Inggit Ka Lang sa Ganda Ko” Award
~ Trish Roque (TV 5). For keeping her cool when CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing humiliated her in front of fellow journalists

“Dude, You’re Wet. No, Dude I’m Alive!” Award
- Niko Baua (ABS-CBN) and Emil Sumangil (GMA7). Isang pagkilala sa kanilang katapangan matapos tumaob ang sinasakyan nilang motorboat habang nangangalap ng impormasyon hinggil sa oil spill sa Limay, Bataan noong Hulyo.

“Ipinahamak ako ng Tears for Fears” Award
- TJ “beat.the.heat” Manotoc (ABS-CBN) – For being observant even during concerts. And what did he observe? Right click here..

“Wala Nang Mas Hahaba pa sa Pangalan Ko” Award
- Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeve Dailisan (GMA News)

And finally,
“My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a piiig!” Award
- Radio reporter Dennis Datu (DZMM/ABS-CBN) For having the guts to say NO to the “advances” of CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing.  Ayon kay Quisumbing, sa restroom na lang daw siya kapanayamin ni Dennis dahil nagmi-make-up pa siya. Anong palagay niya kay Dennis? Si Fanny Serrano!?!
——————————-
“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.”
~John Quinton

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat tanghaling Filipino of the Year for 2010?
- President Noynoy Aquino 14.5%
- DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima 20.54%
- Manny Pacquiao 41.09%
- Charice Pempengco 12.08%
- Other: 11.78%

Personal
Uy! Twitter followers, na-mention tayo rito! So next Saturday, let’s have another game. If you want to have some fun anytime between 9 and 11:30PM every Saturday you’re welcome to join us. But first, you’ve got to follow me on Twitter and that’s dangerous.

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Happy Holidays!

2010: YEAR IN REVIEW (Part 1)

ONCE AGAIN, it’s that time of the year when news and entertainment websites come up with a review of the events that transpired over the past 12 months. Some have already published their TOP 10 lists. TIME Magazine, for instance has the Top 10 of Everything of 2010 while PEOPLE magazine has its Best of 2010.

Beginning today, The Professional Heckler will be posting his own lists of the year’s bad, best, bald and Kris Aquino – plus, some year-end citations. Today’s post will be the first in a 3-part series. So sit back, relax, and enjoy… 2010: The Top 5 of Whatever!

TOP 5 FEUDS/FIGHTS
Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino vs. Nacionalista’s Manny Villar (2010 Elections)
- Kapag binato ka ng bato (na pinulot sa C5 road), batuhin mo ng pekeng psychiatric evaluation reports. Kapag ‘di pa rin umubra, ang nanay mong ‘higit otsenta, iharap sa camera. Kapag ‘di pa rin kumita, mag-concede ka na habang kumakanta, “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura/ Nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada?”

Balay Group vs. Samar Group
- Kampanya pa lang may ‘balyahan’ na sa pagitan ng dalawang grupo. Pero ano ang sabi ng palasyo? Walang feud between Balay and Samar. Akala n’yo lang wala! Pero meron, meron, meron! Pak!

ABS-CBN vs. Willie Revillame
- For the love of money is the root of all lawsuits.

RH Bill Proponents vs. Pro-Life Advocates
Binantaan ng excommunication ang presidente. Ikinulong si Carlos Celdran. Nagkagiriian ang pro-life at pro-RH bill groups sa labas ng Manila Cathedral. Pinagbawalan ang DOH na mamahagi ng condom. And then suddenly, “Report: Pope approves use of condom to prevent diseases.” Whoa! Did anyone see that coming? Na-ah. Again, to the anti-RH bill people: Hindi kami makikialam sa inyong relihiyon, ‘wag n’yo lang pakialaman ang aming konstitusyon.

DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno vs. the Whole World
- “Bungled hostage rescue + jueteng controversy” are no match for “guns + shooting buddy.” Ikaw na ang maging best friend ng presidente! Ano ka ba talaga Usec? Puno o pusa? Siyam kasi ang buhay mo eh.

Honorable Mention (Feuds/Fights):
Former Sen. Dick Gordon vs. survey/research firms
Sen. Chiz Escudero vs. Mar Roxas & Korina Sanchez
Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Juana Change
Alpha Phi Omega Fraternity vs. DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima
Kris Aquino vs. James Yap
Kris Aquino vs. Mayen Austria
Kris Aquino vs. Atty. Lorna Kapunan
Kris Aquino vs. “Kris Aquino’s Despedida” Facebook Like Page fans
Kris Aquino vs. “them” (inside her head)

TOP 5 “MAANG-MAANGAN” MOMENTS
Joseph Estrada’s “junking” of runningmate Jejomar Binay
- TV footage and photos prove it. Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate last May 10. Sought for comment on the issue, Estrada initially admitted skipping the VP slot but “returned” and then corrected it. How in hell could he correct a ballot that had already been fed to the PCOS machine? “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

President Aquino on Donald Tsang’s missed calls
- At the height of the Manila hostage crisis, Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang tried to reach President Aquino twice but to no avail. Later, the president was quoted to have said: “Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.” Tell that to the angry Chinese!

DILG Usec Rico E. Puno on jueteng emissaries
- “Marami pong lumapit sa akin na padala ng mga taong may kinalaman sa jueteng. Ilan po sa kanila ay kaibigan ko pa.” But when asked to identify at least one of those jueteng emissaries, walang maalala ang punyeta! Nilapitan ka ng jueteng emissary, pinapasok mo sa iyong opisina, kinausap mong parang bisita, ‘tapos ni pangalan ng isa ‘di mo maalala? Leche flan ka!

Secretary Ricky Carandang on Mai Mislang’s tweets
“We warned her to be more careful with her tweets,” thus said Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Secretary Ricky Carandang on Mai Mislang. For chrisssakes, Ricky, you were tweeting her! You were the one who asked about the taste of the wine in Vietnam. Did you advise her to be more circumspect during that very public Twitter exchange? No. As the poet Juvenal in Satire VI asked, “Who will guard the guardian themselves?”

Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda on jueteng
Asked about alleged gambling operations in Pampanga, former presidential kumare, Governor Lilia Pineda categorically stated there’s no jueteng in her province. I’ve said this before and I’m saying this now: To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Chocolate Hills in Bohol.

TOP 5 “TUMABI KAYO, NAGWAWALA ANG LOLA/LOLO N’YO” MOMENTS (a.k.a. Outbursts of the Year)
CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing
- Reporters covering the Commission on Human Rights were shocked when CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing suddenly went ballistic. Ang dahilan: ang arrangement ng pagkakaupo ng mga mamamahayag. Channeling her inner GMA, Quisumbing told the journalists:
“If you’re not in my line of sight, I am not going to talk to you. If you’re not going to listen to me and position yourselves as I am asking you to, I am just gonna walk out the door. Do you all hear me? (Yes, ma’am!) Ano?!? (Yes, ma’am!) I don’t hear all of you! (Yes, ma’am!) Ikaw, naka-green shirt, hindi kita kilala, I’m not going to take any of your questions. The lady with the white undershirt, what’s your name? You should be nicer to the person you want to interview. Be polite and you answer ok?”
Quisumbing’s outburst reminded me of a bumper sticker that read, “It’s called PMS because mad cow disease is already taken.” For her misplaced ego, Coco loco will also receive a special citation: “Bitchin’ for No Reason Syndrome Award.” Congratulations!

Mayor Alfredo Lim
- “Pulis lang! (sabay suntok sa mesa) Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! Remember that!!” Sige po, tatandaan po namin ‘yan mayor. ‘Wag kayong mag-alala, hindi kami madaling makalimot. Even ‘yong utos n’yo sa mga pulis na “Sa Tondo na dalhin ‘yan” referring to the brother of the hostage taker, hindi po namin kakalimutan. Pero wait lang Mayor, curious lang kami, ano ba talagang meron sa Tondo? Bang!

Dante Jimenez
- “Kayong mga justices, mga P.I. kayo! Pinatay n’yo ang criminal justice system. Mga P.I. kayo!” After expressing his “disgust” over the Supreme Court’s decision on the Vizconde massacre case, Jimenez resigned as president of the anti-crime group Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption (VACC). He said he’s willing to go to the mountains to make his sentiments known, if necessary. Well, timing ka sir! Baka kailangan ng kapalit ni Ka Roger.

Teresita Ang See
- In the IIRC hearings, Ang See castigated RMN news anchors Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas for obstructing and interfering with the negotiations during the Manila hostage crisis. Already irritated by the RMN anchors’ reasoning, Ang See even got more annoyed because of Tulfo’s fake American accent.

Baby Villar-Benedicto (Sister of Sen. Manny Villar)
- Questioned why they are letting their 86-year-old mother speak before the cameras, Baby Villar-Benedicto took a swipe at the Aquino camp saying, “Sino bang hindi ginagamit ang Nanay? Eh patay na nga ang nanay nila, ginagamit pa nila!” Wow, leveling!

TOP 5 “DID S/HE REALLY SAY THAT?!” STATEMENTS
“How much is galunggong? I don’t know. I’m a vegetarian.”
– Ex-senator Jamby Madrigal’s defense when attendees in a UP presidential forum heckled her after she failed to give the accurate price of galunggong. Again, that’s vegetarian, not vagitarian. Two different things.

“Well, well, I am sure that after your marriage, you had some insertions.”
– Sen. Aquilino Pimentel to Sen. Mar Roxas during Senate’s heated debate on the alleged C5 road project budget insertions of Senator Villar. Mr. Palengke was offended by the quip and sought an apology from the veteran politician. Moral of the story: When in Senate, do not crack jokes about cracks.

“’Pinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami, ngunit sa uluhan po namin ay nakita ko, hindi po Barack Obama ang kanyang pangalan. Alam n’yo po kung ano? Gib Obama, Gibo Obama.”
– Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s official statement when he announced his endorsement of presidential candidate Gilbert Teodoro || Good thing he said he saw the name, “Gibo Obama.” Akala ko ang nakita niya, “Gibo Loy.” Anyway, that was lame. That was crap. That was so Quiboloy.

“I am going to be a blessing to others.”
– Hayden Kho Jr. after the Pasig City RTC dismissed the sex video scandal case filed against him by actress Katrina Halili || ‘Blessing to others’ ba ‘ka mo?! Blessing mo’ng bay*g mo!

“Hindi nagka-strike yesterday. ‘Yong mga driver na-late po ang pagpasok. Karamihan ng driver ay walang cellphone, o kaya ang cellphone ay mahina ang baterya kaya pinapatay nila pagdating sa bahay. ‘Pag matutulog, pinapatay.”
- IMBOA president and former jukebox artist Claire de la Fuente denying that bus operators staged a transport holiday last Nov. 15 in protest of the number coding scheme | Hoy Claire! Oo, ikaw! Kung ang mga tax collector ng BIR, kaya mong paikutin ng ilang beses, kami… hindi! Sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez: You can fool me once. You can fool me twice. You can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four! Lowbatt your face!
—————————————-
“Justice and power must be brought together, so that whatever is just may be powerful, and whatever is powerful may be just.”
~Blaise Pascal

UP NEXT:

Top 5 Heroes
Top 5 Villains
Top 5 Biggest Duds of the Year
Top 5 “Pansinin N’yo Naman Ako!” Moments
Plus:
“Eeew!” Photo of the Year
Awkward Moment of the Year
And a lot more! Abangan!

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Have a great week! Ingat!
Go #teamlakers #beattheheat

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

FIFTEEN YEARS after he and six others were imprisoned for the massacre of three Vizconde family members, Hubert Jeffrey Webb, son of former Senator Freddie Webb was acquitted by the Supreme Court Tuesday, December 14. Shortly after his release, one joke that circulated online said Hubert was astonished to learn that 15 years later, Mara Clara is still being shown on TV.

But wait, there’s more. Here goes…

Hubert Webb’s Top 10 Reactions/Questions After He Got Home Following His Release From the New Bilibid Prisons

No. 10: “Whaaaaaaat? Single pa rin si Kris?!”

No. 9: “Does Kabayan ever get tired? He’s been doing TV Patrol for like… forever!”

No. 8: “Can you turn the radio on to Campus Radio please? I wonder what’s the new No. 1 song on Triggerman’s Top 20 at 12.”

No. 7: “Thoss, Peek, Pennisi, Seigle, Norwood, Weinstein, Hatfield, Carey, Dillinger. Geez! Dad, did the PBA change its name to Fil-Am Basketball of the Philippines?”

No. 6: “Sandali! Hindi kita maintindihan Joshua. Again, what’s LOL, LMAO, STFU, BRB and GTG?”

No. 5: “Mom, bakit nakatayo ang mga newscasters?”

No. 4: “Wait lang! You mean, ‘yong interview sa ‘kin kanina ni Ms Mel Tiangco was aired not on ABS-CBN but on GMA 7?

No. 3: “I always hear the name P.Noy? What’s that Pinky? A new cartoon strip like A. Lipin of the Inquirer?”

No. 2: “I don’t get it Jason. Are they insulting me or are they just pulling my leg. Do I really look fashionable? Kasi people keep saying things like, I am a hot trending topic daw. Trend? Jesus, I’ve only sported an orange shirt for the last 15 years. What trend?”

And Hubert Webb’s No. 1 reaction/question when he got home following his release from prison…

“I can’t believe this Fritz! Did Ernie Baron undergo plastic surgery? Seriously! And why the use of a screen name?!? “Kuya Kim?!?” Funny bro!! Ha-ha-ha!
——————————————
From my all-time favorite courtroom drama, The Practice:
Ellenor: Can’t let an innocent man go to jail.
Rebecca: We don’t even let our guilty ones go there.

Alfaro In Hiding?
Jessica Alfaro has reportedly gone into hiding. Rumors say the controversial former NBI agent turned massacre state witness has sent word she’d rather die than surrender. Bakit? Anong akala mo sa sarili mo, senador?

After receiving news that Hubert Webb and six others had been released, Vizconde massacre state witness Jessica Alfaro had reportedly gone into hiding. In order to evade detection and dodge identification, Alfaro has decided not to wear dark glasses.

Hayden Wins
A Pasig City RTC judge has dismissed sexy actress Katrina Halili’s case against Hayden Kho Jr. for “insufficiency of evidence” – a decision that baffled the young actress who asked, “Ano pa bang evidence ang gusto niyang makita? Lahat-lahat, ipinakita ko na!”

Briefly Noted
Presenting: the Metro Manila Development Authority’s Traffic Transport Management Office (TTMO) uniform…

Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag hinuli ka ng traffic enforcer na ito?
A: “Bastos!”
B: “Lagay ba ‘ka mo? TTMO!”
C: “Mr. TTMO… malaki ba? Malaki ba ang babayaran ko dahil sa violation?”
D: “Wait lang sir. Dudukot lang ako ng PPKo (Pera sa Purse Ko)!

[TTMO photo courtesy of Tina Panganiban-Perez]
—————————————————-
“I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be”
~“A Whole New World”
From Walt Disney’s Aladdin

Survey Says
Nakapag-Christmas shopping ka na ba?
- Yup! Done. Ready na sa Pasko! 12.31%
- Hindi pa pero hahabol! Inaayos lang ang budget. 46.25%
- Walang pera. Walang plano. Walang pakialaman ng Pasko! 41.44%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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LABINDALAWANG TULOG NA LANG: the Christmas showdown between Kobe Bryant and the championshipRing-seeking, title-wanting, self-proclaimed “king” LeBron James. Go Lakers!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

THREE-PEAT

I don’t even know where to begin, how to start. Let me try…

IT HAS BEEN A FRUITFUL year for The Professional Heckler.

Last night, December 12, our blog – oo, kasama ka do’n; atin ‘to – won two awards in the 2010 Philippine Blog Awards (PBA): Best Humor Blog and a “Top 3 Posts of the Year” trophy for “Exclusive: GMA Breaks Her Silence.”

In my acceptance speech, I said, “Hindi ko in-expect ‘to. Inasam ko ‘to.”

To the thousands of readers, visitors, critics, friends and fans (mehhhh ganun?) of this blog sa Pilipinas at sa iba’t ibang panig ng mundo, isang taos-pusong pasasalamat sa inyong walang sawa at walang pagod na pagbabasa, pagpuna, at pagsuporta. Allow me to borrow a line from Melanie Marquez’ speech when she won best actress in the 1987 Metro Manila Film Festival, “Ito na po yata ang pinakamaligaya kong Pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat!”

To the judges, and to the men & women of the Philippine Blog Awards, maraming salamat sa pagtitiwala.

Sa lahat ng pulitiko, tao ng gobyerno, aktor, aktres, journalists, organisasyon o grupong naging paksa sa munting espasyong ito sa cyberspace, maraming salamat sa inyong pang-unawa.

Nais kong ibahagi ang parangal na ito sa mga mamamahayag na Pilipino – sa kanilang sipag, tiyaga, at pagpupunyaging maihatid ang mga balita sa publiko. Kung minsan, buhay ang kapalit ng pagtupad ninyo sa inyong mga tungkulin at trabaho. Saludo ako sa inyo. Kung wala kayo, wala ang blog na ito. Thank you guys! Kitakits sa Twitter!

To my family, para po sa inyo ‘to.

Kris Aquino, I love you!
Kapag ikaw ang topic ko, bentang-benta ang blog ko. Pero ang gulo pa rin ng buhay mo. Leche flan ka!

Hangga’t may gobyerno, magsusulat ako.

The Event
I had second thoughts about showing up at the awards night. On my way to the Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium (RCBC Plaza) in Makati City, a friend announced a spoiler of sorts on Twitter. She said: “Guess what guys! The Philippine Blog Awards has named the lone winner for Best Humor Blog, and the name of the winner is Miko Morelos!” Of course my friend was just making papansin so I ignored her.

Running late, I almost beat the red light on Buendia Avenue. A traffic enforcer approached me and asked, “Anong akala mo sa sarili mo si Schumacher?” I replied, “Hindi manong. Akala ko ako ang bise-presidente.”

I arrived at the venue shortly before 7PM. Rumors have it that President Aquino was sending a representative to the awarding ceremonies. It turned out that he decided to cancel it at the last minute due to pressure from China.

This year’s Philippine Blog Awards (PBA) adopted the slogan: ‘Beyond blogging.’ The PBA organizing committee denied rumors it spent 5 million pesos when it was launched.

Following the announcement of the first set of winners, I approached a member of the PBA organizing committee to verify if the list of winners was accurate. This, after I heard a blogger said he obtained a copy of the same list and he saw the names of Senator Gringo Honasan and some Communists.

After my name was announced as the winner, I received a text message from Executive Sec. Jojo Ochoa. It said, “Inumaaaan na!”

A second message came in while I was delivering my acceptance speech. “Puwede ka ba naming iphone-patch ngayon nang live, nationwide – Michael Rogas, RMN.” I refused.

Before the night was over, a raffle draw was conducted. The biggest winner was a 60-year-old balikbayan blogger from New York whose name organizers refused to reveal for security reasons.

Outside the venue, shortly after the awarding ceremony, fellow bloggers asked if they could have their photos taken with me. Others even inquired about my love life. So I told them, “Ibalato n’yo na lang ang konting privacy na natitira sa akin.”

To celebrate my victory, I plan to take someone out for dinner later – either in Rockwell or Greenbelt. But I’m having a hard time choosing a date. I think I need to consult my sisters. My biological sisters, not the Pink ones.
———————————
“When it comes to winning, you need the skill and the will.”
~Frank Tyger

Elsewhere
The Philippine Blog Awards 2010 Honor Roll

Usec. Manolo Quezon’s keynote address: 2010 Philippine Blog Awards

Postscript
- To my LA Lakers family, Kobe, coach Phil, Pau, Derek, Lamar, Ron-ron, Sasha, Andrew, and the rest of the guys, salamat sa suporta. Punyeta! Umayos kayo.
Breaking News: The Lakers won against the Nets before dawn today. Kobe scored 32.
- To my BFF, BFFin mong mukha mo. Wehehe Can’t w8 to see u in purple and gold! #beattheheat #paskonaba?
- To Mel de Rossi and Glo DeGeneres, you’re the best!

Finally, in lieu of compliments, praises, and congratulations, I shall accept cash. Maiba naman. #ofcourseiwasjoking #puwedengseryosohin.

Survey Says
Dahil sa umano’y sunud-sunod na kapalpakan, dapat na nga bang palitan o mag-resign si Executive Sec. Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa?
- ALIS d’yan! 83.24%
- STAY ka lang! 3.69%
- Wala akong pakialam. 13.07%

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Have a great week!
Mahal ko kayong lahat!. #kesongputi #chizcurls #quesodebola #chizescudero

KrissyLeaks

A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.

TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.

TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
- Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
- Sumalangit nawa! 25%
- No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
- Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
Enjoy the rest of the week!

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AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)

BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!

MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Perfect!

Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar”

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!

IN THE NEWS NOW…

Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the 'championship ring-less' LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he's on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
- Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
- Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
- Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

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Have a great week! Ingat.

LEAKS

New Date?
Reports say President Aquino dated a new girl at Rockwell Center in Makati City very recently. The new date was identified as Len Lopez, a stockbroker – not to be confused with Liz Uy, the heartbreaker.

A tabloid columnist criticized Ballsy Aquino-Cruz for her frequent TV interviews on President Aquino’s love life. Apparently, the tabloid writer was not aware that Ballsy’s the head of the “search” committee.

Wikileaks
I’m sure you’ve heard about Wikileaks. When President Aquino first heard about it, he was like, “Let’s not waste time! Go ask those UP experts to find the leaks.”

Not everyone has read or heard about Wikileaks. For instance, when President Aquino first heard about the controversial leaks, he got so concerned he told his legal team to immediately ask the Supreme Court to issue a writ of kalikasan.

When finally told about the Wikileaks background, President Aquino expressed concern over the release of thousands of documents online. The President has expressed even more concern when his secret Rockwell date became public.

Wikileaks has uploaded thousands of classified documents on its website including some 1,796 diplomatic cables from the US Embassy in Manila. President Aquino has reportedly expressed concern over the leaks. Presidential Communications Secretary Herminio Coloma said if the documents were uploaded on Facebook, it would have been much easier to shut it down.

WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.

The Lacson Case
Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson releases a statement saying he’d surrender only if the government drops the case against him. But the government says Lacson is not in a position to make such demands… unless he’s inside a bus with dozens of Hong Kong tourists.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has given an NBI elite team an ultimatum to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. If they fail, De Lima will just seek the help of UP experts to “find” the senator.

On Thursday, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement saying he’d rather die than surrender to authorities. This just in: Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has just rejected Erwin Tulfo’s offer to negotiate.

At press time, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has yet to surface. Who the hell does Lacson think he is, the grand lotto winner?

Call Center Leader
The Philippines has reportedly overtaken India as the world’s call center capital. Sought for reaction, a call center agent said, “Ov course, ‘yan ey meygandahng baleetah. Good for uz, you know!”

Reports say the Philippines has overtaken India in terms of number of call center employees this year… which automatically makes the Philippines No. 1 in terms of stress-related illnesses.
——————————
“A small leak can sink a great ship.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang may kakambal na kamalasan ang pagtama ng multi-milyong pisong jackpot sa lotto?
- Oo! Mamalasin sa buhay ang winner. 9.51%
- Hindi. Nasa diskarte na ‘yan ng nanalo. 83.29%
- Hmmm, minsan naniniwala, minsan hindi. 7.2%

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Briefly Noted
Former Vice President Noli De Castro’s opening line, TV Patrol (Thursday, Dec. 2):
“Magandang gabi bayan! Hinostage ng isang lalaki at pinagsasaksak ng labingwalong beses ang kanyang live-in partner…” Wow, magandang gabi nga!

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For a regular dose of insanity, follow me on Twitter. Don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna tweet anything that will compromise your security. Peace! Enjoy your weekend! And thank you for always keeping me company online.

JACKPOT

Lone Winner
According to the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, a lone bettor has won the P741-M jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto draw Monday night. The winning bet was placed at a lotto outlet inside the Subic Bay Free Port Zone… fueling speculations that Mike Arroyo has relocated to Olongapo City.

A couple of weeks back, while a lot of people prayed to God to win the lottery, Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz declared on radio and TV, “Ipagdarasal ko sa Panginoon na sana ay walang tumama sa Grand Lotto.” Well, guess who got snubbed.

Rizal & Lottery The PCSO says our national hero, Jose Rizal actually won the loteria (Spanish word for lottery) in 1892 while he was on exile in Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte. Rizal religiously placed bets on the loteria… despite threats from Spanish friars they would pray hard so he wouldn’t win the jackpot.

According to the PCSO, Jose Rizal won P6,200 in a lotto draw in 1892. News of his win spread like wildfire on Facebook, and Rizal’s name became the top trending topic on Twitter.

Top 5 “Dear Lotto Winner’ Statements

No. 5: Dear Lotto Winner: Ang swerte mo! Syet ka!

No. 4: Dear Lotto Winner: Sabi ni Archbishop Oscar Cruz, makabubuti raw na dalhin mo na ang buong pamilya mo abroad. You’ll end up a loser din daw dahil magkakaroon ka ng iba’t ibang problema. Gusto kong malaman ang opinyon mo: bakit kaya sobrang bitter ng paring ito?

No. 3: Dear Lotto Winner: Kung ikaw si Liz Uy, sasagutin mo ba ang presidente? Kung oo, are you nuts? Wala lang.

No. 2: Dear Lotto Winner: Taga-Pampanga ka ‘no!? Aminiiiiiin!

And the No. 1 “Dear Lotto Winner’ statement…

Dear Lotto Winner:
Sana totoo ka.
Sana hindi kami binobola ng PCSO.

This just in! There’s no truth to rumors that the PCSO has released – for the first time in lotto’s history – the photo of the jackpot prize winner. Right click here for the alleged picture of the winner. Again, not true.

Finding Lacson
The Philippine National Police has proposed a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. To lure informants, a million peso will be added to the total reward money every week.

The PNP wants to put up a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. However, Lacson’s spiritual adviser Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz is praying that no one gets the reward.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, 69 percent of Filipinos support the Reproductive Health bill. Catholic bishops described the figure as scandalous.

The latest survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos support the RH bill. The other three were afraid of excommunication.

In the October 20 to 29 Pulse Asia survey, 69 percent of Filipinos expressed support for the Reproductive Health bill while only 7 percent went against it. Catholic Bishops were enraged when they learned that the remaining 24 percent went for Vetellano Acosta.

Results of the latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 69 percent of Filipinos were in favor of the RH bill while a mere 7 percent went against it. The remaining 24 percent, according to Catholic bishops – were in purgatory.

SWS Survey
In the September 24 to 27 survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima got a satisfaction rating of 54 percent. The other 30 percent didn’t give her a rating, while 16 percent were dissatisfied – all of them, APO members.

You know who else feels like a lotto winner these days?
Gerardo Biong, the Parañaque cop convicted in the grisly Vizconde massacre in 1991 was released from prison Tuesday. Before he left his cell, Biong burnt some blankets, bed sheets, clothes, and other pieces of evidence of his incarceration.

De Lima vs. De La Fuente
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has ordered the indictment of bus operator Claire De La Fuente for failing to remit to the Bureau of Internal Revenue some P148 million in taxes from 1997 to 2004. De La Fuente denied she defrauded the government, and said, “Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang mga years na ‘di kami nakabayad. Pero, hindi sinadya ‘yon.”

ECE Board Exam
At least 15 Electronics and Communications Engineering graduates in the Visayas and Mindanao claimed there had been a leak in the recent board exam in Cebu. The Professional Regulation Commission vowed to investigate the matter even as the Presidential Communications Group denied it was the source of the leak. ———————————
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
- Woody Allen

Survey Says
Dapat bang limitahan sa PhP500-M ang jackpot sa lotto?
- OO! 19.83%
- HINDI! Hayaang lumaki! 62.47%
- Wala akong pakialam. ‘Di ako tumataya sa lotto 17.7%

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