YOU’RE SO DEAD!

13 10 2010


MOMENTS BEFORE he died, famous French grammarian Dominique Bouhours uttered: “I am about to – or I am going to – die: either expression is correct.” On his deathbed, Voltaire was asked by a priest to renounce Satan. The philosopher replied: “This is no time for making enemies.” And convicted murderer James French shouted this to members of the press who were to witness his execution by electric chair: “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!”

In advance observance of All Saints Day, The Professional Heckler brings back ‘Famous Last Words’ – “predicted” deathbed statements of local political and entertainment figures. This is the 2010 edition of that ‘recurring’ blog article.

Their famous last words:

President Aquino: “Watch what happens… ”

President Aquino 2: ‘Walang wangwang. Walang counterflow. Walang tong. Walang… buhay.”

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno: “Unless the President asks me to die, I won’t.”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr.: “Hik!”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Ayoko na! ‘Di ko na kaya ang karamdaman kong ito. Dalhin n’yo na ako sa Tondo!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim 2: “Nagugutom ako.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “I have no idea who leaked the information on my purported death but I assure you – the Communications Group had nothing to do with it. I promise to investigate the matter when I’ve fully recovered.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “Honestly. Orderly. Peacefully.” [When asked by the press how he wanted to die]

Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco (to the press): “Who told you I am dying? I am not. Walang concrete evidence ‘yang source n’yo. You! Yes, you the reporter in blue, tell me, kung wala bang matibay na ebidensya ang source ng balita mo, irereport mo?”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Zzzzzzzz.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Ayoko na! Punong-puno na ako! Ayoko naaa!”

Former PAGASA Chief Dr. Prisco Nilo: “Ang temperatura ko ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng 30 at 37 degree Centigrade anim hanggang pitong oras matapos ‘kong pumanaw. Uulan ng luha at babaha ng kalungkutan. May manaka-nakang papuri mula sa ilang mga pulitiko. Magiging banayad naman ang reaksyon ng Pangulo. Ang araw ay sisikat sa inyo ngunit hindi na sa akin.”

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Ayoko! Hindi maaari! Set up ‘to! Set up!”

Outgoing ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs Chief, and Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Filipina Alive Maria Ressa: “I will not be renewing my contract with ‘life.’ It’s time for me to move on.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Powtang-eyna naman!^5$@& Ayaw kow pang mamatey!”

RMN’s Michael Rogas: “Ito po ang live at special exclusive coverage ng aking kamatayan. Naririnig po tayo ngayon sa mahigit isandaang himpilan ng RMN nationwide!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Ganito pala kapag huling minuto na ng buhay ng isang tao ‘no ha? Nakakatakot pala Mike! Pambihira ‘no ha!”

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment.”

And finally…
Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “RT @iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mamu, you’re creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka!” #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

In the news now:

More than 300 officers and enlisted men who took part in three failed power grabs were granted amnesty by President Aquino. When he heard the news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson started plotting a mutiny against the Aquino government.

The RH Bill Debate
The good news is: Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal has reportedly asked President Aquino to create a panel that will discuss the pros and cons of the Reproductive Health Bill. The bad news is: the panel’s recommendations will have to be reviewed by Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa.

GMA News.TV reported that the Church is eyeing Facebook as another platform against the Reproductive Health Bill. If that happens, that page will likely set the record for the most number of clicks to the “Unlike” button.

Confused Congressman
Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?”

Esquire Says…

Outgoing ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs chief Maria Ressa has been named by Esquire magazine as the Sexiest Woman Alive for Philippines. Rumors say Ressa’s enemies in ABS-CBN will file a complaint against Esquire for baseless and biased reporting.


Belo on Immigration Cards
Reports say the face of cosmetic expert Vicki Belo replaced the image of President Aquino on immigration cards. Apparently, it was an advertisement for the Belo medical clinic. But critics wanted the cards recalled saying tourists might confuse the Philippines for Madame Tussauds.

Just weeks after incurring the ire of President Aquino, the Bureau of Immigration stirred yet another controversy by printing millions of the modified arrival and departure cards, this time with the face of cosmetic expert Vicky Belo. Immigration officials defended their action saying they actually chose between two advertisers: Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising. Sige, mamili kayo!
————————–
“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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58 responses

13 10 2010
Quick Brown Fox

kanina pa ako refresh ng refresh for this new blog. Thank u PH.

13 10 2010
derdo

Madame Tussaud ha. How naughty!

13 10 2010
potterific_nurse

marami nang magmumutiny nyan…nasa isip kasi nila may amnesty naman…
uy first ata ako?

13 10 2010
randulf

1st na naman hehe mukhang maayos nmn ung pic nia jan hehe

13 10 2010
achu

Belo on Immigration cards? Ewww! Whoever is heading that bureau is not thinking right. Sana DOT promotions n lng…

14 10 2010
esa

Correct!!! Dapat talaga DOT promotions including contact numbers, websites in case of further questions. The immigration arrival and departure cards are supposed to be government forms…it’s no place for private advertising kahit meron bayad ang advertisers. Whoever thought of approaching Belo rode on the fact that Kris A. is a balik-endorser of Belo at akala nila hindi masisita…excuse me nohhh?!!??? Alam kasi nila na itong si Belo lahat sasawsawan…napaka-unethical…pati nga procedure ni Clarice nagphoto-op…kaya hayun…napintasan si Clarice…muntik nang mapahamak sa Glee!

14 10 2010
esa

Charice pala, not Clarice…sorry. And what I meant by “kahit meron bayad ang advertisers” is “kahit pa nagbabayad ang advertisers”.

14 10 2010
Anonymous

promotion nga ng medical tourism ‘to.

15 10 2010
esa

Yes! But let the DOT push it…not to be confined to a medical clinic endorsed by a presidential sister…shades of favoritism…unethical…

14 10 2010
promdi

koorekk! i mean, they thought they were right when they thought of it. ha ha! in fairness, tinanggi na ng Immigration ang factory defect na ‘yan. at pina-cancel na nga ang franchise, ek ek dun sa kumpanya. bakit nga ba ang lakas ng loob na magpa-imprenta nang walang basbas! basbas daw oh! di ba nag-alboroto na si Pnoy dun sa pic nya naka tienda sa unang version ng card? kaya binago. and wonder of all wonder, eer, booboos of all boo-boos si queen belo nga pinalit. what the heck! san ka ba nakakita ng supposed to be government docu e me commercial promo?! tsk! tsk1

13 10 2010
phreddox

Hahaha! At least Esquire goes against conventional wisdom on what constitutes “sexy”.

Magpoprotesta ang GMA 7 malamang :D

Sama mo naman sa last words si Gregorio Mendoza: “Papatayin nila ako! Papatayin nila ako! Hindi ako accessory!”

13 10 2010
danny

1st at last!

13 10 2010
promdi

haay, ph! riot na naman sa LOL ang mga “famous last words”. my top5 in that order: Pagasa chief Nilo; Erwin Tulfo; Michael Rogas; Mel Tiangco; & Sen. Lito Lapid! Special mention: Tony Boy Cojuangco!

13 10 2010
timpaul

siguro naman ako na una ngayon.

13 10 2010
promdi

what a symbolic title for maria ressa! the sexiest woman alive for RP! if feisty to the nth degree is sexy, so be it! t’was really omg! when she left cnn years back to get into the abs python pit; i thought that was adventurous and fearless of her! and the rest is history! she really is cut out for absolutely free-willed writing. ang kanyang hibla ay hindi akma sa mundo ng mga may kinikilingan, may kasinungalingan, at may pinoprotektahan! ooops, no quoting! kataon lang! he he.

14 10 2010
esa

Sana naman Mr. PH sa iyo nagpahanap ng picture ni Maria Ressa ang Esquire. Ganda kaya ng picture ni Ressa sa previous post mong “Still Standing”. Anyway, congrats to Ressa…very timely ang Esquire announcement with news of her resignation…a balm for some inside hurts.

13 10 2010
Lazandre

great blog again

14 10 2010
Pongster

first

14 10 2010
doncamote

#AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

LMAO

14 10 2010
Neil

So Bro is Esquire’s sexiest woman in the Philippines, huh? Hahaha. Kidding…

14 10 2010
Danique Dansk

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Isko’s line is so gay. I like!

14 10 2010
wikipedia

izquierda is a spanish word. means to leave. Intiende?

14 10 2010
rene

salitang kanto din yan eh

14 10 2010
renan

haha! akala ko sabi ni noynoy: heads will roll

15 10 2010
Paul

If his present governing style will continue, most likely its his head who will roll. We always had a corrupt president in the past and the country survived, But it just sank with incompetent presidents (C. Aquino and Estrada) Based on his past performance, the son even more incompetent than the mother.

14 10 2010
jasperjohn

‘more light’ – goethe
t.y. ph

14 10 2010
Millette Burgos

The Vicky Belo ad in the immigration cards…sick!

14 10 2010
Becky Vilo

Anong sick? Si Kris Aquino po ang may sakit, di po ako. Hmmmp!

T’saka, bakit po ba nyo ako pinag-iinitan?
Aba, kahit po plastic yang pagmumukha ko, at least may nahuhumaling pa rin sa akin!

Hello Papa Hayden!

15 10 2010
Hayden Ako

Hi, labs.

Yes, I agree, mahal ko. Bakit ikaw nalang lagi ang pinagtutuunan ng galit ng iba dyan. Yang naka HALILIng ganda mung yan? Buti pa, babe, labas-bansa ulit tayo. How about Paris again huh? Nuod tayo fashion show. Atsaka, Pakukumpuni ko nga pala yung bagong Ferrari na bigay mo. Ano ba naman, PLASTIC pa rin yata yung dashboard. Natunaw ng mabuhusan ng mainit na kape.

ANg iyong Irog

15 10 2010
sam

becky vilo:

di ka na biodegradable!

14 10 2010
thepiaya

lol! madame tussauds,indeed!

14 10 2010
esa

:-) Pilyo talaga si Mr. PH. Ang di masabi ng iba, nasasabi niya…He-he!

14 10 2010
Baidu

1st? husay tlaga ni PH, Zao Shang Hao! sayo!

14 10 2010
ranjit

napanood ko PH yung interview ni Jules Ledesma, para pa nga syang sabog eh! mukhang bagong hithit! slurry ang words! tapos nung naglakad sila pumipilantik ang mga kamay! soooo gaayyy and sooo addicttt!!!

14 10 2010
senior60

hindi kaya si ressa mismo kinikilabutan sa kanyang title?

15 10 2010
Lola Nila

hindi! mas kikilabutan siya kung ibigay ang title kay PNoy. Yun ang mas nakakahindik at nakakatakot! :D

15 10 2010
babaylan

ikaw hindi ka ba kinikilabutan sa mga sinusulat mo dito na puro sablay? ang ibig sabihin ng titulong seksi sa kontekstong ito ay kakaiba at kahanga-hanga ang pamantayan. yan ang dahilan kaya napili si maria ressa.

14 10 2010
eddibumangon

“Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?””

Hahaha. This is the winner. Made me think though, what if some reporter would be brave enough to ask the same question point blank to Noynoy. I can’t imagine what would be his reactions/reply. ;-)

But if he decides to come out like what Jules did, I will welcome him to the federation with open arms. Though this would not change my opinion that he’s incompetent and incapable of being president. ;-)

15 10 2010
anon

i agree someone should ask him in the spirit of openness and transparency if he is gay but i think all those close to him know that he is and either protect him or avoid the subject. at least he would earn my respect. i do not respect the sham he now plays and the victims he hurts. next he will be going out with vicki belo. good pr for her. i used to think she was a transexual the way she looked. she should fire her cosmetic surgeon

15 10 2010
Lola Nila

if ever my dear PNoy will come out, i’ll give him a tight embrance. at i-recommend kong gawin syang sgt-at-arms ng federasyon.

also, i’ll invite him here in KSA. sagot ko lahat. mas masarap ang hotdog sa KSA compared sa NYC.

14 10 2010
fabulous

Dapat kay Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal “I don’t want to pre-empt the en banc” — he always said that hehe

14 10 2010
watcher

24 red balloons delivered to trish roque from noynoy.

14 10 2010
anon

vicki belo – is she there as the hallowen witch. scary if that is what cosmetic surgery does for u, and hardly represenyative of natural philippine beauty. now she has signed up kris aquino all doors are open for abuse at the right price.

last words. p-noy. puno and i were just good friends.
or. kris. i hope they bury me next to someone young

14 10 2010
anon

singson. its a set up
belo. just one last botox injection
kris aquino. quick sign me up for endorsement deal for funeral company.

14 10 2010
Quick Brown Fox

Protesta ang GMA 7 sa Esquire. Dapat daw si Jessica Soho ang sexiest woman.

14 10 2010
Quick Brown Fox

lumakas din tuloy loob ni mike enriquez. umaasa na sya naman ang “most handsome”pasok!

16 10 2010
derdo

Excuse me po!

17 10 2010
phreddox

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pasok nga!

14 10 2010
i'm no angel

oo nga…. mukha ngang wax figure si dr, belo
buhay pa pero parang hindi na

15 10 2010
kekoy

ellen lising… hahahahaha!

15 10 2010
iroppoi

p-noy’s last words:
AT THE END OF THE DAY…

15 10 2010
Anonymous

Dati, Tuanday rum ang nasa Immigration card

15 10 2010
zili

i used to be a fan of this blog. ang korni naman na lately.

16 10 2010
etchosera

Miss Feffer, sabi nga nung amo ko…..you can’t have it all!

Di naman nangako si PH na puro according to your liking ang ipo-post nya, divaneng?

24 10 2010
zili

yup. tapos? bawal na magcomment sa comment section? ok.

16 10 2010
Poppy Fields

Ang lagay pala nyan eh magaling yung head ng news ng abs-cbn? Tsk. Ano pa kaya kung hindi magaling?

18 10 2010
MikeThompson

great post as usual!

21 10 2010
kaye

PH, tanong ko lang, dun sa supposed tweet ni Kris Aquino “…i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite.” Ganyan ba talaga magtweet si Kris? i mean, grammatically incorrect as in i’ll gonna? kasi matagal ko na siyang di gusto pero lalo akong naturn off kung ganyan siya. haha. oh well…

pero kung ako kay bimby talagang iiyak ako ng sobra sobra kung dadalawin pa rin ako ng nanay ko. pagkakataon na sanang tumahimik ang buhay pero hindi pa rin pala. hahaha!

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