HONEST MISTAKE

PRESIDENT AQUINO has returned from his US trip. In his arrival speech, the President made two important announcements. First, that the government was able to secure new investments from at least eight business firms, and second, that the country was no longer at war.

Inverted RP Flag
Rebecca Thompson, the spokesperson of the US Embassy in Manila apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York last Friday. [An inverted flag means the nation is in a state of war.] Thompson declined to confirm rumors that the Philippine flag was made in Hong Kong.

This just in! The person who reportedly made the (honest) mistake of displaying an inverted RP flag in New York has offered to resign from the Obama government. When President Aquino heard this, he advised President Obama to reject the resignation saying, “The guy is entitled to due process.”

With regard to some people who are making an issue out of the inverted RP flag incident, President Aquino said, “Maraming tao’ng walang magawa.” Ouch.

Aquino and Obama
President Aquino said he and US President Barack Obama met for seven minutes. Another source said, it was actually 10 minutes… but the first three minutes was spent looking for a lighter.

President Aquino and US President Barack Obama met for approximately seven minutes. Aquino spent two minutes discussing military matters, while Obama used all of five minutes apologizing for the inverted Philippine flag.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Meeting of President Aquino and US President Barack Obama

No. 5: “Lights or menthol?”

No. 4: “I admit. I’m an instant fan. So tell me more about Charice.”

No. 3: “Can we have Kristie Kenney back?”

No. 2: “If Donald Tsang or anybody in Beijing bothers you again, I’m just a phone call away. ”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the meeting of Presidents Aquino and Obama…

“I hope you won’t mind me asking but have you tried Svenson?”

Lito Lapid’s Bill
Senator Lito Lapid has filed a bill seeking to limit the weight of bags being carried by school children to schools. DepEd Chief Bro. Armin Luistro has rejected the proposal and urged other senators to file a bill seeking to stop Lito Lapid from filing similar measures.

Reelected Senator Lito Lapid has filed “An act limiting the amount of weight of bags carried by children in school and implementing proactive measures to protect school children’s health from the adverse effect of heavy school bag.” Tanong ng bayan kay Ginoong Lapid: Senador ka ba o pangulo ng PTA?

Top 5 Predicted Bills to be Filed Soon by Sen. Lito Lapid

No. 5: “An act limiting the use of ballpoint pens in primary schools to prevent inkblots on school uniforms”

No. 4: “An act promoting the use of Mongol pencil No. 2 in grade schools because they make the best marks”

No. 3: “An act seeking to penalize pupils who will be caught chewing a classmate’s eraser, notebook, pad paper, and all forms of writing implements”

No. 2: “An act allowing teachers to sell ‘tocino’ and ‘polvoron’ in public elementary and secondary schools on Fridays only”

And the No. 1 predicted bill to be filed soon by Senator Lito Lapid…

“An act seeking to make ‘Recess’ an elective subject; pupils will be graded based on the nutritional value of the food they eat during the 15-minute break.”

Fired!
Kris Aquino has been told by the management of ABS-CBN to leave the poorly-rating game show “Pilipinas, Win na Win” starting Friday. Aquino was asked to quit the program following reports that several Kapamilya viewers have suffered from loss of hearing due to her ‘screaming’ habit.
———————-
“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Who The Heck?
Down-to-earth Politician [D2EP] has not seen long-lost dad for more than two decades – almost three decades, to be precise. Surprise! The father showed up just recently. According to D2EP’s uncle who was a witness to the reunion, while the father was filled with emotion, D2EP was like, “Uhmmm, okay.” Apparently, D2EP wasn’t as thrilled. Unknown to the public, D2EP grew up without a father. That’s the reason why instead of using the father’s last name, D2EP uses mom’s maiden name! Now you know. Clue: Enumerate the names of Jose Rizal’s siblings and you’ll get the answer!

Survey Says
Kaninong bersyon ng kuwento ang mas pinapaniwalaan n’yo:
- Archbishop Oscar Cruz 57.31%
- Tony Boy Cojuangco 2.4%
- Wala. 40.29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
- The Professional Heckler does not maintain  an official Facebook account. To the person who created the Like Page, thank you. But I’d rather not have one.

- Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not click here.

- Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

PR

(PERHAPS) THE MOST POPULAR FILIPINO today is in the United States of America right now: very much single, ordinary-looking, a mother’s pet, well-loved by the whole nation, and doing all the best to generate income before returning soon to the country. So far, so good. Congratulations… Charice!

The President’s Speech
On Saturday, President Aquino addressed the UN General Assembly in New York. Rumors say some attendees representing UN-member nations complained when an advance copy of Aquino’s speech was given to the representative of China.

The Two Presidents
President Aquino and US President Barack Obama have finally met face to face. Reports say the two leaders instantly clicked as friends. In fact, they now have a nickname for each other, Lights and Menthol.

The President’s Hotdog
Did you know that the government paid an American PR firm for President Aquino’s official trip to the United States? Malacañang wasn’t informed though that the same firm is also doing PR work for a chain of hotdog stalls on the streets of New York.

Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda defended President Aquino when the latter ate hotdog sandwiches with Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima, former senator Mar Roxas, some Filipino reporters, and his security detail on a New York City sidewalk. Lacierda said the President spent only $54 for hotdog sandwiches… but millions of dollars for PR.

The idea of President Aquino eating hotdogs on a New York City sidewalk was criticized by a number of Filipinos. All of them were Samar Group members.

The President’s Shooting Buddy
Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno plans to submit a courtesy resignation when President Aquino returns from the United States next week. Let’s all hope he doesn’t forget his plan.

President Aquino said he would not accept the courtesy resignation of his shooting buddy, Interior Undersecretary Enrico Puno. According to the President, everyone is “entitled to due process” adding that he “cannot just have him hanged” just because someone asked him to do so – to which former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo said, “Yeah right!”

The President’s Cousin
On meeting with Archbishop Oscar Cruz, businessman Tony Boy Cojuangco said, “Anybody has to help the government do its functions and this was my way of helping.” TO everyone reading this blog right now, let us all help the government do its functions. Bisitahin natin si retired Archbishop Oscar Cruz! Now na!

After his name was dragged into the jueteng controversy, an irate Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco lectured the media on reporting. When the President learned about Cojuangco’s critique of the media, he asked him to become a member of the IIRC.

With his name being dragged into the jueteng scandal, a visibly upset Tony Boy Cojuangco lectured members of the media on how to handle information from wild sources. Slighted by Cojuangco’s sermon, the media lectured him on how to handle a live-in partner gone wild.

Tony Boy Cojuangco’s live-in partner, actress Gretchen Barretto was reportedly shocked when she heard her husband’s name during the Senate hearing on jueteng payola. To give you an idea of how shocked Barretto was, her face moved.

The Governor
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit” Singson has denied any links to jueteng operations as exposed by Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. So, ano ‘yon? Set up na naman?

Charice!
Filipina teen singing sensation Charice was praised for her impressive debut on the hit US TV series “Glee.” Despite her success, Charice has remained humble and down-to-earth. In fact, she’s going to New York tomorrow to eat hotdogs on a sidewalk.
—————————–
“A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the crack was.”
~Joseph Hall

Survey Says
Sa kinasasangkutang mga kontrobersya ni Undersecretary Enrico Puno:
- Hintayin ang desisyon ng pangulo. 6.98%
- Resign! Now na! 90.91%
- Pag-iisipan ko muna. 2.11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

DENIALS

BREAKING NEWS: Charo Santos has canceled her plan to feature the life story of DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno on the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.” The creative team is having a hard time drafting the script because, apparently, walang maalaala si Usec Puno.

The Senate Hearing
In Tuesday’s Senate hearing, DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno failed to identify the jueteng emissaries (some of whom were even his “friends”) who approached him saying he couldn’t remember any of their names. For the next hearing, the Senate plans to invite a doctor to determine if jueteng can cause amnesia.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz named DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno as one of the “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola, allegedly receiving as much as 8 million pesos a month. Sought for comment, Puno said he couldn’t remember if he got 8 million pesos or less, or if he even got any.

Amid calls for his resignation, Undersecretary Puno told reporters, “Wala pa naman akong ginagawang mali.” Well, wala ka pa ring ginagawang tama!

For those who missed Tuesday’s Senate hearing, here are some excerpts:

Senator Enrile: Sinu-sino ang mga lumapit sa ‘yo na nagtangkang makipag-set ng appointment?
Usec Puno: In passing lang naman po ang pagbanggit nila. Pero wala pong direktang pag-uusap tungkol sa jueteng.
Senator Enrile: Kaya nga! Name names!
Usec Puno: Sa sobrang dami nga po, wala na akong maalala. Basta, sobrang dami nila.

Senator Legarda: Sabi mo kanina, friends mo sila. So dapat kilala mo. Gusto naming malaman, sinu-sino sila?
Usec Puno: Actually, friends ko lang po sila sa Facebook kaya hindi ko na maalala ang mga pangalan. Talaga pong napakarami nila.
Senator Enrile: Sinu-sinong jueteng operators ang nagpadala ng emisaryo sa ‘yo?
Usec Puno: Ang dami kasi nila. Wala na rin po akong maalala.
Senator Enrile: Nakakapikon ka na! Kung cross-examination ito, talo ka na. Ako, lawyer ako. Ikaw lawyer ka ba?
Usec Puno: Hindi po. Ako po’y isang farmer.
Senator Enrile: Okay. Sige. Ito na lang ang tanong ko: anu-anong mga halaman na ang naitanim mo?
Usec Puno: Naku, sobrang dami na po. Hindi ko na maalala.
Senator Legarda: Kahit isang uri ng halaman, hindi mo na matandaan?
Usec Puno: ‘Yon nga po eh. Napakarami po nila. Talagang ‘di ko na maalala.
Senator Enrile: Sabi mo sa ANC, very close ka sa ating Pangulo at ikaw ang hingahan niya ng problema. Ang tanong ko: bakit ‘di ka kasama ni Pangulong Aquino sa Amerika?
Usec Puno: Sino po ‘yon? ‘Di ko na siya maalala.
Senator Enrile: Usec Puno, I’m reminding you that you are under oath!
Usec Puno: Talaga po?? Sorry, ‘di ko naalala.
Session Suspended.
End of transcript.

More Revelations
According to Archbishop Cruz’ report on jueteng, DILG Undersecretary Rico Puno, former PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, and retired Senior Supt. Rey Cachuela were collectively known as the “Three Kings” – which was really ironic because they’re the ones who receive gifts.

Jueteng-free?
Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda, wife of jueteng lord Bong Pineda claims there is no jueteng in her province. This woman has a future in comedy. To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Mayon Volcano in Albay.

Pangasinan Governor Amado Espino Jr., Baguio City Mayor Mauricio Domogan, and Isabela Rep. Paul Dy who were also identified by Archbishop Cruz as jueteng operators all denied the allegation and insisted that there’s no jueteng in their respective areas. Oo na! Sige na! Maniniwala na kami. Hindi totoo ang jueteng. Gawa-gawa lamang ito. Kathang-isip. Isang ilusyon. Bunga ng malikot na imahinasyon! Kabalintunaan! Walang jueteng! Wala! O, masaya na kayo?

Tony Boy’s Request
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz revealed that four days before the hearing, President Aquino’s second cousin, businessman Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco told him to “go easy” on his jueteng exposé. The archbishop said he didn’t promise to accede to Cojuangco’s request. Instead, he advised Tony Boy to tell his partner Gretchen Barretto to “go easy” on Botox.

Postscript: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz has denied rumors that before senators were given a copy of his report on jueteng, a copy was submitted first to the Chinese Embassy.

The IIRC Report
Malacañang did not release the full report of the Incident Investigation and Review Committee on the August 23 hostage crisis. But anyone who wants to have a copy of the complete report may personally go to Malacañang. Just present a Chinese passport.

The IIRC recommended the filing of charges against DILG undersecretary Enrico Puno for mishandling the August 23 hostage crisis. Sought for reaction, Puno said, “Hostage crisis? Kelan ‘yon?”

Did you see Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s outburst on TV? That was classic. Apparently, the mayor has learned a lot from his vice mayor.

Defending his deputy, Mayor Lim said, “Ang pakiusap ko lang ho, alisin n’yo na lang si Vice Mayor Isko Moreno sa idedemanda. Ako na lang ho ang idemanda n’yo.” Reacting to Lim’s statement, Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” At that moment, the blood pressure of Manila’s No. 1 councilor shot up due to excitement.

On Mayor Lim’s statement, Vice Mayor Isko Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” Dahil dyan, may nag-texxxxxt! “Akala ko ba ako lang?! Hmpf! – Kuya Germs.”

In a press conference Tuesday, a very emotional Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim contested the report of the IIRC that conducted an investigation into the August 23 hostage incident. But before members of the press could ask some questions, Lim excused himself and said, “Hindi pa kasi ako nagla-lunch.”
———————————-
“Gambling is the son of avarice and the father of despair.”
- French Proverb

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, matitigil kaya ang jueteng sa ilalim ng administrasyong Aquino?
- Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan. 15.59%
- Imposible! Sus, asa pa! 56.44%
- Legalize it na lang! 27.97%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

TESTING!

NAKAKAWINDANG.
NAKAKALITO.
Nakakainis.
Nakakagulo.
Wala pa mang isandaang araw sa puwesto, sunud-sunod na ang intrigang ibinabato, at sari-sari nang problema ang nakikipagbuno sa administrasyon ni Pangulong Aquino. Nasusundan n’yo pa ba ang mga pangyayari sa bansang ito? Sige nga, subukan n’yo.

Panuto: Piliin ang titik ng sagot na para sa ‘yo ay tumutugon sa bawat tanong. Bawal mag-Google ng sagot. Walang mandadaya. Sabi nga ng ating pangulo, panahon na para tahakin ang landas na matuwid! You have 45 minutes. Good luck!

1: Ano ang opisyal na katungkulan sa pamahalaan ni Ginoong Enrico E. Puno?
A: Secretary ng DILG
B: Shooting buddy ni presidente
C: Interior Undersecretary
D: Tulay ng jueteng emissary

2: Ano ang ibinigay na dahilan ni Pangulong Aquino nang ibunyag nitong “acting” secretary lamang ng DILG si Ginoong Jesse Robredo?
A: “We had some differences during the campaign as to style.”
B: “My uncle Peping doesn’t really like him.”
C: “He’s got no interest in practical shooting.”
D: “Our relationship is still in the getting-to-know-you stage.”

3: Sa isang panayam sa ANC, nagmungkahi ng tatlong pangalan si Undersecretary Rico Puno na puwede raw ipalit kay DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo. Sinu-sino ang tatlong ‘yon?
A: Jejomar Binay, Edward Hagedorn, at Alfredo Lim
B: Jessica Soho, Luchi Cruz-Valdez at Maria Ressa
C: Rodrigo Duterte, Avelino Razon, at Jesus Versoza
D: Jake Maderazo, Erwin Tulfo, at Michael Rogas

4: Ayon kay Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, magkano ang buwanang jueteng payola na tinatanggap ng dalawang high-ranking trusted officials ni Pangulong Aquino?
A: Dalawang milyong piso bawat isa
B: Ang liit naman no’n!
C: Oo nga, cheap!
D: Limang milyon bawat isa!

5: Pinuri ng palasyo ang bagong talagang pinuno ng kapulisan na si Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo dahil sa pangako nitong susugpuin ang jueteng at mga ilegal na sugal. In particular, anong policy ni Bacalzo sa PNP ang inilarawan ni palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda as “effective?”
A: “No ID, No Entry policy” – Bawal ang pulis na walang ID sa venue ng bolahan
B: “One strike policy” – Kapag may jueteng sa nasasakupan, sibak ang police directors!
C: “Honesty is the best policy” – Ang magsasabi ng totoo, mapu-promote!
D: “One China policy” – Doble effort sa pagtugis kung gambling lord ay Chinese

6: “It was a disastrous example of incompetence, political factionalism and lack of national leadership.” Ang linyang ito ay mula sa isang artikulong lumabas noong September 6 sa Asian edition ng The Wall Street Journal. Pinamagatang, “Noynoy flunks his first test,” ang kumentaryo tungkol sa palpak na pagresolba ng pamahalaan sa August 23 hostage crisis ay sinulat ni/ng…
A: Isang perpektong mamamahayag
B: Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
C: Maria Ressa, pinuno ng ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs
D: Ricky Lo

7: Isinumite na kay Pangulong Aquino ang 83-page report ng Incident Investigation and Review Committee na pinamumunuan ni Justice Secretary Leila De Lima hinggil sa August 23 hostage crisis. Ngunit ayon kay Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang, ito raw ang plano ng palasyo:
A: Pagbalik na pagbalik ng Pangulo mula Amerika, isasapubliko
B: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy then, isasapubliko
C: Bibigyan ng kopya ang ANC then, ang Chinese embassy
D: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy, ang ANC, then isasapubliko

8: Matapos humarap sa panel ng mga news anchors mula sa ABS-CBN, GMA-7 at TV5 noong September 9, may binitiwang linya si Pangulong Aquino patungkol sa August 23 hostage crisis sa kanyang closing statement. Natatandaan mo pa ba ‘yon?
A: “To Mr. Donald Tsang, I regret not taking your call.”
B: “To all Hong Kong nationals, apologies for the smile!”
C: “This incident will not define this administration.”
D: “To the angry Chinese community, kayo ang boss ko!”

9: Ang balita: tumawag kay Pangulong Aquino si Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis. Tumawag ba talaga? Ang sagot ni Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma:
A: “Ma!”
B: “’Di po kapanipaniwala ‘yan dahil accessible siya sa lahat nang oras.”
C: “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
D: “Maghapon akong wala sa palasyo. Si Ricky ang tanungin n’yo!”

10: Sino si Michael Rogas?
A: RMN news anchor
B: Kung paniniwalaan ang sabi ng driver ng tourist bus, siya at si Mike Enriquez ay iisa
C: Biglang sikat na reporter
D: Hostage negotiator

11: Mahirap mang paniwalaan ngunit ito umano ang totoong nangyari. Nakatakas sa hostage taker ang ipinosas na bus driver na si Alberto Lubang sa pamamagitan ng:
A: Nail clipper
B: Pagkagat sa posas
C: Magic
D: Nail file

12: Bago mag-alas-siyete ng gabi noong August 23, isang estratehiya ang iminungkahi ni Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim kay Manila Police District head Chief Superintendent Rodolfo Magtibay upang maresolba ang hostage crisis. Ano ‘yon?
A: “Kapag ‘di sumuko, dalhin sa Tondo ang kapatid n’yan at iligpit!”
B: “Ang pinag-usapan namin ni Magtibay, pagurin si Mendoza!”
C: “Bahala na si Isko Moreno sa inyo. Kakain muna ako!”
D: “Sugurin na kasi ang bus para matapos na!”

13: Ayon sa Newsbreak, “Guess who was drunk as a skunk just days after the Luneta bloodbath.” Opisyal ito ng pamahalaan na umano’y namataan sa lobby ng Manila Peninsula na lasing na lasing dakong 2AM last August 27. Sino siya?
A: Joseph Estrada
B: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
C: DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman
D: Have I mentioned Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa?

14: “Ang pakiusap ko ay huwag n’yo itong gawing telenovela.” Ito ang apela ni Social Welfare Secretary Soliman kaugnay ng isyung:
A: Pag-abandona kay Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Hidwaan ng Balay Group at Samar Group sa gabinete
C: Kinukuwestyong 123% increase sa budget ng DSWD
D: Hiwalayang Shalani at Noynoy

15: Ipinagbabawal na ng DepEd ang pagbibigay ng homework sa mga mag-aaral kapag weekend. Bakit daw?
A: Upang makapaglaro at makapag-bond sa pamilya
B: Upang isulong ang social skills ng mga bata through Facebook
C: Upang maiwasan ang dayaan sa mga sagot
D: Upang makatipid sa lapis at papel

16: Kung sina Budget Secretary Butch Abad at Presidential Management Staff Chief Julia Abad ay mag-ama; sina DOST Secretary Mario Montejo at Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa ay mag-bayaw, at magkapatid naman sina SSS President Emilio De Quiros Jr. at Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, mag-ano naman sina Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo at Vice President Jejomar Binay?
A: Magkaalyado (Samar Group)
B: Magkapitbahay
C: Fraternity brothers (Alpha Phi Omega)
D: Magka-kulay

17. Kung may bad news, may good news! Ayon kay Tourism Sec. Alberto Lim, tatlong porsiyento lamang ng turismo sa Pilipinas ang naapektuhan ng August 23 hostage crisis. Yehey! Maiba ako, kilala n’yo ba kung sinong broadcast journalist ang kapatid ni Secretary Lim?
A: Mel Tiangco. Middle name n’ya ay Lim, right?
B: Jessica Soho. Magkapatid sila sa ina, ‘di ba?
C: Cheche Lazaro. Maiden name niya Lim, tama?
D: Susan Enriquez. Hindi kita pipilitin kung ayaw mong maniwala. Siya ‘yon!

18: At press time ay mahigit 160,000 na ang followers ni Pangulong Aquino sa Twitter. Ang tanong: ilan naman ang pina-follow niya?
A: Wala. Suplado!
B: More than 10,000
C: Less than 20
D: Wala akong pakialam! Hindi ako nagtu-Twitter!

19: Miss Universe 2010: “What is one big mistake that you made in your life, and what did you do to make it right?” Sino ang nagtanong nito kay Maria Venus Raj?
A: William Baldwin
B: Alec Baldwin
C: Stephen Baldwin
D: Michael Rogas

20: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang ina ni Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Lilia Pineda, asawa ng alleged jueteng lord
C: Sandra Cam, jueteng whistleblower
D: Amy Austria, mahusay na aktres

21: Sino naman ang lalaking ito?

A: SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, kapatid ng napatay na hostage taker
B: RMN reporter/anchor Michael Rogas
C: Insp. Bismark Mendoza, bunsong anak ng napatay na hostage taker
D: Uuuutang na loob, tigilan n’yo na si Michael Rogas!
———————————
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyong tumatanggap ng jueteng payola si Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno?
-OO! Posible! 80.92%
-HINDI! Paninira lang! 1.78%
-Hintayin nating matapos ang imbestigasyon. 17.3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

GRILLED

The New PNP Chief
Earlier this week, President Aquino appointed Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo as the new chief of the Philippine National Police. Sought for reaction after his appointment, Bacalzo said, “Grabe! Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

Newly-appointed PNP chief Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo said “I’m ordering my regional and district directors to eradicate jueteng and all forms of illegal gambling,” – to which the regional and district directors said, “Sir, saan n’yo kami gustong magsimula? Sa puno?”

The Undersecretary
Rumors say the jueteng allegation has been taking its toll on Undersecretary Rico Puno. Of late, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, and he couldn’t resist TV and radio guestings.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno denied allegations he was on the take from jueteng operators… but few people believed him. That’s one of the perils of being a Puno in government.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno has reportedly offered to step down. As of press time though, he’s still there. If he doesn’t resign in 11 days, President Aquino will take the cudgels for him.

ABS-CBN’s informant revealed that Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno is one of two high-ranking government officials who allegedly receive monthly jueteng payola. ABS-CBN has declined to identify its informant… out of respect for Archbishop Cruz’ request to remain anonymous.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno

No. 5: Close Encounters of the Emissary Kind

No. 4: Kung Fu Pineda

No. 3: Jueteng to Exhale

No. 2: Look Who’s Taking!

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno…

Y Tu Mamá Tumbok ng otsenta, sahod ng beinte

The Senate Probe
Senators are set to conduct a fresh investigation into the jueteng controversy. If nothing comes out of the probe, they’ll invite TV news executives and blame them for reporting about jueteng.

News Execs Grilled
Last Tuesday, senators grilled television news executives and a couple of radio news anchors in connection with the bungled hostage rescue. ABS-CBN’s Maria Ressa tried to explain their side. GMA 7’s Jessica Soho tried to defend their action. RMN’s Michael Rogas tried to negotiate.

GMA News executive Jessica Soho admitted that after the August 23 hostage crisis, she and ABS-CBN news chief Maria Ressa became textmates. In fairness though, Ressa also tried to text TV5 news head Luchi Cruz-Valdez about the incident but she got disappointed when Luchi replied, “Hu u?”

Light Bites
Q: What has three heads, six legs and gives conflicting statements?
A: The Presidential Communications Group

Q: What has six legs, four eyes, and goes Ngoorkkzz?
A: A drunk executive secretary slumped on a chair
——————————-
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”
- Kin Hubbard

Survey Says
Dapat bang pangalanan ni Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz ang high ranking officials na umano’y tumatanggap ng jueteng payola?
- OO! Now na! 84.23%
- HINDI! Trabaho ng DILG ‘yan! 5.18%
- Bahala s’ya. It’s up to him. 10.59%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

GAMBLE

Jueteng Payola
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, an anti-illegal numbers game crusader revealed that two trusted officials of President Noynoy Aquino have been receiving at least 2 million pesos in monthly payola from jueteng operators. Cruz did not confirm rumors that one official belongs to the Balay Group while the other, to the Samar Group.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno admits receiving feelers from gambling operators asking how to operate jueteng under the Aquino administration. The negotiations failed though because Puno was “not trained to handle such situation.”

President Aquino has reportedly ordered Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo to come up with a comprehensive plan to wipe out jueteng in the country. The plan is expected to be in place before Robredo is wiped out from the Cabinet.

Reports say jueteng emissaries have tried to approach Rico Puno. See?!? Even gambling operators know who the “real” DILG secretary is.

Puno’s Suggestions
Interviewed on ANC, Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno suggested three names for DILG: retired PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Avelino Razon, and Davao City’s Rodrigo Duterte. Puno is so close to the President, he’s not just a DILG undersecretary, he has also become the head of the palace search committee.

Hostage Fiasco and Tourism
The government says the August 23 hostage fiasco in Manila affected only 3 percent of local tourism… and 97 percent of President Aquino’s relationship with Sec. Jesse Robredo.

No Conspiracy
The IIRC panel that investigated the August 23 hostage crisis has ruled out the possibility that bus driver Alberto Lubang has conspired with hostage taker Rolando Mendoza. But the panel is not ruling out yet the alleged conspiracy between Lubang’s nail file and Mendoza’s handcuffs.

NPC vs. Ang See
The National Press Club criticized IIRC panel member Teresita Ang See for blaming RMN’s Michael Rogas and Erwin Tulfo during the clarificatory hearings on the recent hostage fiasco. The NPC was reportedly surprised when they heard Ang See’s outburst… although Ang See was more surprised when she heard that there’s still such a thing as NPC.

Truth Commission
Members of the Truth Commission have taken their oath before President Aquino. The commission is expected to finish its job in two years. Malacañang did not reveal each member’s salary rate but the President was heard telling them, “Remember: no truth, no commission.”

Government Wins vs. Marcoses
The government has won a 10 million-peso lawsuit against Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos. It was the government’s first win in 10 million cases against the Marcoses.
————————–
“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.”
~Steve Allen

Personal
To the mother of this baby who was found in a trash bin of a Gulf Air flight that landed in Manila on Sunday, I don’t wanna judge you this early but still… shame on you!

More Personal: I was there!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition. The top three teams were clearly in a different league this year. The final ranking:
Champion: UP Pep Squad – 440.9 points (Wohoo!)
1st Runner Up: FEU Cheering Squad – 421.4 points (My personal fave)
2nd Runner Up: UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe – 407.5 points (Thanks to the UP-friendly crowd)
Fourth: Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion (Not this time! Ha-ha)
Fifth: DLSU Animo Squad (The tumblin’ girl was awesome!)
Sixth: UE Pep Squad (It’s hard to perform 1st)
Seventh: NU Pep Squad (Henry Sy’s investment in motion)
Eight: Adamson Pep Squad (What happened guys?)

Special Award: Samsung Stunner, a member of the DLSU Animo Squad

Trivia: The UP Pep Squad has now won the cheerdance contest in both years (2007, 2010) the UP Fighting Maroons ended the UAAP basketball season without a single win.

Survey Says
Prangkahan na! Sa umano’y dalawang paksyon sa administrasyong Aquino, mas na-kanino ang simpatya mo?
Team Balay 8.42%
Team Samar 4.08%
Wala! 87.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Daxim Lucas): The “missing” Communications Group head, and the Castilaloy businessman [Sobrang giveaway na blind items!]

Australian Brian Gorrell says controversial “Gucci Gang” member Delfin Justiniano Ocampo Montano II has been arrested in the US.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

A Conversation with the President: Exclusive!

On Thursday, September 9, 2010, President Noynoy Aquino answered questions from a panel of news anchors representing the country’s three biggest networks: Mel Tiangco for GMA 7, Ted Failon for ABS-CBN, and Paolo Bediones for TV5.

After the no holds barred interview, The Professional Heckler requested for an exclusive, more honest, one-on-one “follow up” conversation with the Chief Executive. Here are some unedited excerpts:

The Professional Heckler (TPH): Mahal na Pangulo, magandang hapon po.
President Noynoy Aquino (PNA): Magandang hapon naman. Sino ka nga ulit? Pasensya na, hindi kasi sure ‘yong aide ko kung sino ka at para saan ang panayam na ito.
TPH: Gano’n po ba? Talagang consistent ang aide na ‘yan ah.
PNA: May sinasabi ka?
TPH: Wala po. Ang sabi ko po, isa akong blogger at pinayagan ako ng head ng Communications Group n’yo na makausap kayo nang one-on-one.
PNA: Talaga? Sino sa kanila? Tatlo ‘yon eh.
TPH: ‘Yon pong taga-Balay Group.
PNA: Ah si Attorney Lacierda!
TPH: Hindi po. ‘Yong dating broadcaster na nakaka-tweet ko bago siya nabigyan ng puwesto sa gobyerno.
PNA: Ahhhhhhhh, okay. Bakit? Hindi na ba siya nagtu-tweet ngayon?
TPH: ‘Pansin ko lang po, hindi na masyado. Pero minsan, nagdi-direct message na lang sa Twitter. Parang careful na po yata.
PNA: I see. Sige, basta bilisan na lang natin huh. You have 10 minutes. May pupuntahan pa ko eh.

TPH: Unang isyu po mahal na Pangulo: kanina, tinanong kayo kung may paksyon-paksyon sa gabinete. Ang sabi n’yo wala. Ang tanong ko po: sino ang nag-advise sa inyo na ganyan ang isagot n’yo: ang Balay Group o ang Samar Group?
PNA: Actually pareho, este, I mean… wala. Wala ngang paksyon ‘di ba? So walang nag-advise sa akin.
TPH: Pero iba po ang nakikita namin. Halimbawa, dalawa ang head ng inyong Communications Group. Coloma sa kanan, Carandang sa kaliwa. May Lacierda pa sa gitna. ‘Tapos, minsan magkakaiba ang kanilang sinasabi. Ang DILG naman, tila hinati sa DI at sa LG… may Robredo sa taas, may Puno sa baba. Hindi po ba magulo?!
PNA: Hindi mo kasi naiintindihan dahil hindi ikaw ang nasa puwesto! ‘Di ba nga may kasabihan tayo, “Many hands make light work.”
TPH: Pero mahal na Pangulo, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”
PNA: Hindi rin eh. Kasi nga, “Two heads are better than one.”
TPH: Ok, fine! So, whose heads will roll?
PNA: Ba’t naman napunta do’n ang usapan?
TPH: Kasi ‘yon po ang ugat ng isyu eh – ang kapalpakan sa hostage crisis. So sinong sisibakin n’yo?
PNA: Masyado ka namang atat. Siguro ‘Edcel’ ang pangalan mo!? O baka naman ‘Lagman’ ang iyong apelyido!? Hintayin muna natin ang final report ni Secretary De Lima.

TPH: Kanina po sa panel interview, you categorically stated na hindi n’yo na iniintindi kung mataas o mababa man ang trust rating o tiwala sa inyo ng publiko. Ang tanong: ‘Di nga?!?
PNA: Huh?
TPH: Ire-rephrase ko po ang tanong: noong panahon ng kampanya, halos ibandera n’yo ang resulta ng bawat survey partikular ang mataas n’yong trust rating. Pero ngayon, sabi n’yo hindi n’yo na gaanong iniintindi ang mga surveys. Sino po ang nagturo sa inyo na maging ipokrito?
PNA: Ilang minuto nga ang interview na ito?
TPH: Sige po. ‘Wag n’yo na lang sagutin.

TPH: Pangatlong isyu po. Sabi n’yo, wala ni isa man sa miyembro ng inyong gabinete ang na-appoint bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa kanilang naging ambag sa inyong kandidatura. Ang tanong: Owws?
PNA: Off the record puwede?
TPH: Sige po.
PNA: Do you really expect me to admit on live television na nagbabayad-utang ako sa ilang cabinet appointees? Konting common sense naman ‘tol. Kahit naman yata sinong presidente ang tanungin mo, hindi aamin! Pero, siyempre factor ‘yon. In all fairness though to my cabinet appointees, highly qualified silang lahat.

TPH: How will you describe Secretary Jesse Robredo in one word?
PNA: Puwedeng four?
TPH: Three!
PNA: Sige. Ramon Magsaysay Awardee.
TPH: Sobrang safe naman ng answer n’yo. In hindsight po ba, would you have appointed Vice President Binay as DILG chief instead of him?
PNA: Off the record ulit puwede?
TPH: Sure!
PNA: Matagal na panahon kong pinag-isipan ang bagay na ‘yan. Naipit ako sa dalawang nag-uumpugang bato eh. ‘Yung sinasabi mong Balay group, mapilit para kay Robredo. Siyempre, popular, awardee. Pero ‘yong kabilang kampo, nangungulit rin. So para everybody happy, nag-suggest ako: ang local government, kay Robredo; ang kapulisan, kay Puno.
TPH: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis…
PNA: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis… off the record please! Ayun! Na-obvious tuloy ang hatian ng puwesto! ‘Pag mamalasin ka nga naman, oo! Hayyy!

TPH: Pag-usapan naman natin ang inyong Little President. Ang tanong ko po mahal na Pangulo: meron ba?
PNA: What do you mean? Siyempre, meron! Andiyan lang siya. To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Tahimik na tao talaga ‘yan! Maingay lang ‘yan kapag nakakainom.
TPH: ‘Yon po sana ang gusto kong itanong. Dalawang beses na kasing lumalabas sa Newsbreak ang isyu ng pagiging lasenggo ng Executive Secretary n’yo. Ang latest, nakita raw siya sa lobby ng isang hotel na nakasalampak dahil sa kalasingan.
PNA: Nakasalampak?!? That’s absolutely baseless! To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit lasing na lasing ‘yan, maayos na umuupo ‘yan! Kaya ‘yong balitang nakasalampak siya? I seriously doubt it!
TPH: Pero inaamin n’yo pong umiinom siya?
PNA: To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kung umiinom man siya, occasionally. Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang okasyon lately. Kaya ‘yon, sunud-sunod rin siguro ang inom.

TPH: Sa inyong panel interview kanina, tinanong kayo about former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo at napansin kong tila malaki ang galit n’yo sa kanya. In fact, sinabi n’yong may “propaganda arm” si Dr. Nilo. Apparently, nasa kanya ang simpatya ng media at publiko ngayon. Ang tanong ko po: kung nananalo ang “propaganda arm” ni Prisco Nilo laban sa “propaganda arm” ng mga taong nagsulsol sa inyo upang sibakin siya, why not?
PNA: Gusto ko lang linawin okay, wala akong galit sa puny3+@*%ang$3* Prisco Nilo na yan%#%12^@@% okay? And to be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit bayaw niya ang DOST secretary, hindi siya ang nagsulsol upang palitan si Prisco Nilo! Palpak lang talaga ang forecast niya! Ni hindi nga niya na-forecast na masisibak siya sa puwesto ‘no! Basta, palpak siya! At inuulit ko: wala akong galit %#@$0)^ sa kanya%#@^9)!

TPH: Ang puso n’yo! Easy lang po mahal na Pangulo, okay? Heto na lang ang mas light na question. Kayo po ba ni Councilor Shalani Soledad ay nag-date na sa Emerald Garden Restaurant?
PNA: You make me blush.
TPH: Hahaha! Seryosong tanong po ‘yan.
PNA: Hmmm, siguro four to five times na. In fact, some of the most memorable moments namin together, nangyari sa Emerald.
TPH: But after the August 23 hostage crisis, sa tingin n’yo babalik pa kayo roon?
PNA: Oo naman!
TPH: You mean, magdi-date pa rin kayo ni Shalani sa Emerald kahit may masamang memories ng naganap na hostage?
PNA: Yeah! Because, I’m a hostage of love.
TPH: Awwwr!

TPH: Alam po ng lahat na mahusay kayo sa paghawak ng baril. Puwede ho bang malaman kung kailan kayo huling nagpaputok?
PNA: You make me blush again.
TPH: Seryoso po ‘yong tanong ko.
PNA: Hmmm, last Saturday lang.
TPH: Gaano ba kayo kadalas magpaputok?
PNA: Kada Sabado.
TPH: Enjoy ba kayo?
PNA: ‘Yon nga lang ang libangan natin eh. Siyempre, kahit papa’ano, nakakalimutan ko ang aking mga problema.

PNA: Puwede bang two to three questions na lang? Mali-late na ‘ko eh.
TPH: Sige po! Ayon sa ilang palace insiders na nakausap ni Sandra Aguinaldo ng GMA News, divided raw ang members ng Cabinet n’yo sa desisyong humarap kayo sa isang media panel. Bakit n’yo nga ba naisipan ang nasabing no holds barred interview?
PNA: Off the record… just imagine kung ang haharap sa panel ay ang tatlong spokesman ng palasyo. Sa tingin mo ba magtatagal ang aking gobyerno kapag silang tatlo ang pinagsalita ko? Six years ang termino ko, six years! Hindi 100 days!

TPH: Reaksyon lang po sa impeachment complaint against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez na ayon sa House committee on justice ay “sufficient in form and substance.”
PNA: Iginagalang ko ang separation ng kapangyarihan ng ehekutibo at lehislatibo. Trabaho nila ‘yon; may sinusunod silang proseso, hayaan natin sila. Bilang Pangulo, hindi ako dapat nakikialam. Sanga pala, kung nababasa ito ngayon ng mga miyembro ng House justice committee, I have two words for you: ‘Keep it up!’

TPH: Dumako naman po tayo sa isang maliit na bagay na posibleng ilan lamang ang nakapansin. Bago po naganap ang hostage crisis, ito po ang default pic sa inyong Facebook account…

TPH: Nang magalit ang mga Hong Kong nationals… ito naman ang inyong ginamit na default pic:

TPH: Pero nang bumisita ako kanina, ito na ulit ang aking nakita:

TPH: Pati po ba sa Facebook, may paksyon din?
PNA: Nang-aasar ka?!?
TPH: Ang ibig ko pong sabihin: ang default Facebook photo po ba ninyo ay nakabatay sa inyong mood for the week?
PNA: Alam mo, ayaw ko nang palakihin pa ang isang trivial na bagay. Besides, off the record huh… ni hindi ko nga alam ang password sa Facebook account ko, paano ko mapapalitan ang default pic? Common sense ulit ‘tol!

TPH: Maiba naman po ako, kumusta na po si Kris? Ano pong advice ang ibinibigay n’yo ngayong may pinagdaraanan sila ni James Yap?
PNA: Wala. Sa palagay ko naman, nasa tamang edad na siya para magpasya.
TPH: Pero nasa tamang pag-iisip naman po ba?
PNA: ‘Yan ang magandang tanong! Pero hayaan na natin ang aking kapatid. Ang problema niya… isang lalaki. Ang problema ko… isang bansa! Sa tingin mo, alin ang dapat kong unahin?
TPH: Kereeeek! May tama ka!

TPH: Bago po ako tuluyang magpaalam, may ‘pinapatanong lang po ang isa kong Twitter follower: Bakit daw po sina Mel Tiangco, Ted Failon, at Paolo Bediones ang nagtanong sa inyo? Bakit hindi raw po sina Maria Ressa, Jessica Soho, at Luchi Cruz-Valdez?
PNA: Pati ba naman ‘yan, gagawan n’yo pa ng intriga? That, for me is a non-issue. Kahit sino pa man ang nagtanong, que sina RG Cruz, Mark Salazar o Jove Francisco pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga, malinaw ang aking mga naging sagot at well-represented ang tatlong henerasyon ng mga mamamahayag sa panel.
TPH: Dahil d’yan, Mr. President… may nagteeeeexxxt! “I totally resent that observation! Yours truly, Tita Mel”
PNA: Hahaha! No comment na lang.

TPH: Pahabol pong tanong: malapit na po ang finals ng UAAP. Fearless forecast: Ateneo o La Salle?
PNA: ‘Tinatanong pa ba ‘yan? Siyempre, UP!
TPH: Nang-aasar po kayo?!
PNA: Huh? Bakit? ‘Di ba UAAP cheerdance ang itinatanong mo?
TPH: Basketball po.
PNA: Ahhhh, wala. Bilang Pangulo, dapat nasa gitna ako. Dapat wala akong kinikilingan at wala akong pinapanigan. Sa aking pamahalaan, bawal ang paksyon! Walang paksyon! At hinding-hindi magkakaroon ng paksyon!

(The President’s phone rings…)
PNA: Hello?
Male Voice: Sir, remind ko lang po ‘yong party sa Balay mamaya. Invited daw po kayo.
PNA: Gano’n ba? Pakisabi, mali-late ako. May salu-salo din kasi sa Samar. Naunang nag-invite ‘yon eh. Bye.

TPH: One final question, Mr. President.
PNA: Go ahead!
TPH: Boxers or briefs?
PNA: You make me blush.

End of Interview.
——————-
“A basic tenet of a healthy democracy is open dialogue and transparency.”
~Peter Fenn

Survey Says
Hindi siya kasama sa listahan ng mga opisyales na ipakukumpirma ng palasyo sa Commission on Appointments. Kung ikaw si Sec. Jesse Robredo, ano ang gagawin mo?
- Wala lang! Tuloy ang trabaho. 33.87%
- Bastusan na! I will resign. 59.91%
- Wala akong pakialam! 6.22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
UP will probably close its UAAP season with a 0-14 win-loss card on Saturday, September 10. Allow me to share the recent Facebook status of Fighting Maroon Martin Reyes:
“The game on saturday will be played with nothing but heart. It will be for God, my family, friends, teammates, coaches, classmates and most especially for the University of the Philippines. It has been one helluva ride and i would not trade MAROON for any other color…. salamat UP”

Good luck to the UP Pep Squad on Sunday! UP Fight!
2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition (Sunday, September 12): Order of Performance: UE, UST, DLSU, ADMU, FEU, UP, AdU and NU

Enjoy your weekend!

[Share this article on Facebook and Twitter: ]

Don’t follow me on Twitter. Do not click here. You’ve been warned.

ACTING

THIS JUST IN! Regal Films’ Mother Lily Monteverde has reportedly offered to produce a movie starring Local Government chief Jesse Robredo. Monteverde made the offer after palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda confirmed that Robredo “is an acting secretary.”

President Aquino on Tuesday admits differences with acting Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo. The President revealed Robredo has a different working style, a different philosophy, and a different take on shooting as a weekend hobby.

Sought for comment on the President’s statement, Robredo said, “Well yeah, he’s different.”

According to the President, acting Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo will be evaluated, and will probably remain in office for the next two months… or even more, depending on his threshold for humiliation.

Top 5 Messages Left on Acting DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s Answering Machine

No. 5: “Hi Secretary. Suwerte ka nga eh, may another two months ka pa. Samantalang ako, wala pang anim na linggo, sinibak na! Si Dr. Prisco Nilo nga pala ‘to.”

No. 4: “Hi Jesse, si Bise Presidente ‘to. Ay sorry, wrong dial.”

No. 3: “Hi Jesse, this is Mar. Two weeks ago, you’re out of the loop. Two months from now, you’ll be out of the group. Ramdam kita.”

No. 2: “Hello, Secretary Robredo?! Si Michael Rogas po ito ng RMN. Live and exclusive po kayo ngayon sa programa namin dito sa dzXL! Kumusta na po ang lagay n’yo? Ano po ang masasabi n’yo sa balitang hindi kayo ipinapakumpirma ng palasyo? May plano ba kayong mag-resign? Tatambay po ba kayo sa Luneta para maghintay ng tourist bus? Kailangan n’yo ba ng media? Huwag po kayong aalis sa kinaroroonan ninyo! Papunta na po d’yan si kasamang Erwin Tulfo!”

And the No. 1 message left on acting DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s answering machine…

“Jesse, si ‘Noy ‘to. Ganito na lang… mag-aral ka muna ng practical shooting. Kapag mahusay ka na, txt mo ko. Mas malaki ang chance mong ma-appoint permanently sa DILG. Hi nga pala kay Usec Rico Puno!”

The IIRC Hearings
The Incident Investigation Review Committee headed by Justice Secretary Leila continued its series of hearings on the August 23 hostage incident. Questioned on Tuesday were bus driver Alberto Lubang and acting chief negotiator Michael Rogas of Radio Mindanao Network.

Bus driver Alberto Lubang insisted that he escaped the hostage taker by removing his handcuffs using a nail cutter’s nail file. Unfortunately, local probers will not be able to verify the claim because the nail file was unintentionally turned over to the Hong Kong police.

Media and the Police
After a meeting with the Presidential Communications Group, representatives of various media organizations agreed to new restrictions on covering police operations. RMN vowed not to interfere with negotiations; ABS-CBN promised to limit live coverage; MBC pledged to stay in safety zones, and GMA assured that Mel Tiangco would be more calm and composed.

Mall Heist
A security guard and an employee were hurt when a BDO branch in SM City Dasmariñas in Cavite was robbed by at least five armed men last Monday. The robbers were able to escape but Cavite police refused to take the blame saying President Aquino will assume responsibility anyway… after 11 days.

UAAP Update
The cellar-dwelling, underachieving UP Fighting Maroons will likely finish the season with a 0-14 win-loss slate… fueling speculations that the squad is composed of acting basketball players.

Overseas
Sonya Thomas of Alexandria, Virginia devoured nearly 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes to win the ninth annual National Buffalo Wing Festival in Buffalo, New York. The previous world record was held by the Philippines’ Maria Venus Raj.
———————————–
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”
~Audre Lorde

Survey Says
Hong Kong lawmakers are asking for compensation from RP for the death of eight tourists. Your take:
- Sige, pagbigyan na para matigil na lang. 38.01%
- Sumosobra na huh! Nag-sorry na si Presidente. Tama na ‘yon! 50.76%
- Pag-iisipan ko pa. 11.23%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Wall Street Journal Online (Maria Ressa) : Noynoy Flunks His First Test
VERA Files: Palace won’t seek CA confirmation for Robredo, 2 others

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

CHICKEN CROSSING (2010 Edition)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Here’s why according to some prominent people in politics, government, and entertainment:

President Noynoy Aquino: “Nahaharap ang manok sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa halip na lakarin ang isa sa mga daan, ang manok ay tumawid na lamang.”

Palace Spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether the chicken crossed Times Street or Samar Street, or went straight to the Balay complex in Cubao is irrelevant. What’s important is the chicken has been doing its best for the chicks. This ‘crossing thing’ has been totally blown out of proportion by the media.”

DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo: “That’s a [traffic] police matter. My job is to focus on providing coop for the chicken.”

Communications Group Sec. Herminio Coloma: “Did the chicken cross the road? I seriously doubt it! Otherwise, the traffic enforcer would have noticed!”

Communications Group Sec. Ricky Carandang: “I confirm that the chicken crossed the road. But the traffic enforcer was not informed about it.”

Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay: “Mayor Lim ordered it to cross!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Hindi pa kasi nanananghalian. Ayun, tumawid at naghanap ng pagkain. But no, I did not order the chicken to cross the road.”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Hindi ko po alam. Nagulat nga rin ako kasi bigla na lang umesquierda!”

ABS-CBN News Head Maria Ressa: “The traffic policeman was not in control. Traffic police should lead. Chicken will follow.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Put*ng-i*a kasi! Matigas ang ulo ng tarant*dong manok na ‘yan eh. ‘Buti ‘ka n’yo at ‘di nasagaan ang hay*p na ‘yan!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Mike, nakikita mo ba ang manok d’yan sa kinaroroonan mo? [Chicken appears then crosses the road] Buhay!!! Buhay Mike ang manok! Naku! Mukhang tatawid sa kalsada Mike! Pambihira! Tumawid na nga Mike!”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa: “Sayang nga eh! ‘Di ko naabutan. Naghahanap pa naman kami ng pulutan!”

Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing: “What’s your question again? I can’t hear you! Ano?!? I said I can’t hear you. Hay naku! Tanungin mo na lang ako later sa CR. Tara, ‘don tayo. Kailangan ko pang mag-make up!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Pasensya na. Nagmamadali kasi dahil may meeting pa ng araw na ‘yon.”

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “The chicken did what is right, what is best, and so God took care of the rest (of its journey).”

Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson: “Hindi naman talaga dapat tatawid ‘yan eh. So ang duda namin, na-set up lang.”

Former Agriculture Secretary Luis “Cito” Lorenzo: “To testify.”

Nacionalista Party: “According to its psychiatric evaluation report, the chicken was depressed.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Delikado ang daan, dapat lumipad na lang siya. Anyway, sa kaso naman ng manok, flight is not an indication of guilt eh.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “We’re happy to announce that the chicken crossed the road in an honest, peaceful, and orderly manner.”

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao: “You know.”

Willie Revillame: “Mamili kayo: ako o ‘yong manok?!?”

Kris Aquino: “To file a motion for the declaration of nullity of its marriage to the cock.”

James Yap: “Lahat ng iyan ay ginagawa ng manok para sa kanyang sisiw.”

Boy Abunda: “Kung ikaw ang naturang manok at bibigyan ka ng pagkakataong magsama ng isang hayop sa pagtawid, anong hayop ang isasama mo at bakit?”

Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj: “Thank you sir for that wonderful question. You know what sir, in the chicken’s 22 weeks of existence, I can say that it has got nothing major, major, I mean, crossing-related problem because it is confident. That’s why the chicken made it to the other side. So thank you, thank you so much!”

MWSS Executives: “Is that a bonus question?”
—————————–
“Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa umano’y dalawang factions sa pamahalaang Aquino?
- Gawa-gawa lang ng media ‘yan! Hindi totoo ‘yan! 5%
- Walang problema basta’t magtutulungan para sa bayan! 18%
- Nakakasama sa pamamahala! Masamang senyales ‘yan! 77%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe and productive week!

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

FACTION, FACTION

IT’S FINAL. Congressman Manny Pacquiao is slugging it out with Antonio Margarito in November. That’s the second most exciting “fight” news of the week… next only to the Balay Group vs. Samar Group turf war.

Reports say there are two warring factions in the Aquino Cabinet: the Balay Group identified with defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and the Hyatt 10; and the Samar Group, composed of allies and loyalists of the Aquino and Cojuangco families, a number of which supported the candidacy of Vice President Jejomar Binay. To give you an idea of how serious the turf war has become, during meetings, Cabinet members do not address Noynoy Aquino as Mr. President. They call him Mr. Referee.

According to reports, there are two warring factions in the Aquino administration: the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Sometimes, they are collectively known as the Communications Group.

Mislabeled
Reports say three of the coffins of the victims of the August 23 hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand were mislabeled. Hong Kong authorities believe the mix-up happened at a funeral parlor in Manila… where two factions of embalmers reportedly work.

The DILG
Secretary Jesse Robredo revealed that he was not part of the crisis management team that handled the August 23 hostage crisis. Robredo said he was “out of the loop” in the hostage negotiations – something that was understandable since another DILG faction was tasked to handle the situation.

Malacañang recently admitted that Jesse Robredo was asked to focus on local government units while Rico Puno was assigned to handle the police. Therefore, we have a DI Undersecretary and an LG Secretary. Everybody happy?

The Little President
Newsbreak reported that a very drunk Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. was seen at the lobby of the Manila Peninsula with an unidentified singer-actress around 2 am last August 27. Ochoa vows to issue a statement on the Newsbreak article as soon as his hangover wears off.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says his protégé, former Quezon City administrator and now, Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. is “not a heavy drinker.” In fact, “the last time he got so drunk,” Belmonte said, “Binuhat ko siya. Magaan naman.”

Reenactment
Did you hear the news? According to the Department of Justice, the final moments of the August 23 hostage crisis will be reenacted. Prior to this announcement though, the Professional Heckler received a document from an anonymous source detailing the sequence of events on that fateful day. Here are some excerpts from that unverified document.

1700hrs
1: The negotiation breaks down.

2: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

3: Location: Emerald Garden Restaurant. The President orders Yang Chao fried rice, Nanking Beef and Aniseed Beef Tendon.

4: Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s aide calls the President. The President’s aide tells the caller from Hong Kong that he’s in a closed-door meeting.

5: The DILG Secretary monitors the event on TV. He tries to help in the negotiations but is told that the Samar faction of the DILG is in-charge of the situation.

6: RMN’s Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas try calling the ‘other’ cell phone of sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hoping to put him on radio again – live and exclusive! Failing to reach the hostage taker, Tulfo shouts “Put*ng-i*a!”

7: ABS-CBN’s Ron Gagalac manages to hand his cellphone to the hysterical brother of the hostage taker. The brother is interviewed by Ted Failon – live and exclusive on TV Patrol!

8: GMA 7 News bigwigs monitoring the other station sends a text message to Susan Enriquez, “Bakit na-scoopan ka no’ng kabila?”

9: Somewhere in Manila. The Executive Secretary enters an establishment with a sign that reads, “Happy Hour begins at 8.”

10: The police tries to arrest the brother again. But Susan Enriquez sneaks past the cops, and puts the hostage taker’s brother on air – live and exclusive, albeit late on “24 Oras.”

11: Warning shots are fired by the hostage taker.

12: Mel Tiangco gets more hysterical than the hysterical brother of the hostage taker.

13. The DILG Undersecretary in charge of the police arrives and talks with the President – about guns and target shooting.

14: The President finishes his meal and orders Honey Lemonade.

15: More shots are fired.

16: The President orders the Balay faction of the Communications Group to draft a statement regarding the hostage crisis.

17: Isko Moreno puts on his make up as he prepares for his first ever phone-patched interview on CNN.

18: The Samar faction of the Communications Group drafts its own statement for the President.

19: The President is informed that Donald Tsang called. He panics.

20: The driver of the tourist bus escapes, runs, and shouts “Patay na lahat sa bus.”

21: The President panics even more.

22: The media believes the driver.

23: The public believes the media.

24: The SWAT members believe in themselves.

25: The SWAT team attacks the bus with what usiseros describe as “higanteng martilyo.”

26: The whole world witnesses ineptitude in motion.

27: Shots are fired from everywhere.

28: It’s over. The hostage taker is dead.

29: It’s a miracle. There are survivors.

30: Usiseros run toward the crime scene.

31: The powerless DILG Secretary walks toward the crime scene.

32: The powerless DILG Secretary looks more like an usisero.

33: The President and the Communications Group head back to the palace.

34: Isko Moreno is interviewed live by CNN via phone patch.

35: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

36: The President chooses between the Balay Group’s and the Samar Group’s official statement.

37: The Executive Secretary downs his final bottle of beer. He proceeds to Malacañang for the press conference.

38: An official statement is posted on the President’s official website.

39: Members of the media gather at the briefing room.

40: The President enters the briefing room.

41: No official statement is read.

42: Both factions happy?

43. The President answers questions from the media.

44: The President partly blames the media.

45: The President smiles.

46: Hong Kong nationals search the President’s Like Page on Facebook.

47: Disappointments. Fury. Wrath.

48: Briefing is over.

49. The Executive Secretary walks toward the kitchen and looks for a bottle of beer.

50: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

—End of Report—

“Factions are a sign of illness in a party.”
~ Ernest Mandel

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, ano ang dapat naging aksyon ng pangulo noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis?
- Tama lang na low-key siya nang time na ‘yon. 33%
- Dapat mas maaga siyang nagpakita sa publiko. 65%
- Wala akong pakialam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great weekend!

[Share this article: ]