DILEMMA

Only De Lima
Malacañang has just announced that only Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is authorized to speak about the ongoing government investigation into the August 23 hostage crisis – not the NBI, not the PNP, & definitely, not Sec. Herminio Coloma.

Reports say only Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is authorized to speak about the ongoing probe into the August 23 hostage crisis. De Lima thus becomes the government’s fourth spokesperson.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has issued a gag order to the NBI and the PNP to “avoid confusion.” I wonder when will she issue a gag order to the Presidential Communications Group.

Top 5 Signs that a Hostage Crisis Will End Badly

No. 5: You have a stubborn hostage taker but you have an even more stubborn broadcast media.

No. 4: You have a confused hostage taker but you have a crisis management team leader who’s even more confused while giving orders (and then denies ordering it).

No. 3: You have an inept SWAT team. Period.

No. 2: Your hostage taker spends more time talking not to the negotiators but with Erwin Tulfo.

And the No. 1 sign that a hostage crisis will end badly…

Your president decides to speak up… almost four hours after the crisis is over.

The Local Soco
Are you wondering how our Scene of the Crime Operatives (SOCO) worked on the crime scene a day after last week’s hostage crisis? First, they cordoned off the area. Second, they gathered evidence. And third, they posed for souvenir pictures. Pam-Facebook.

Seven cops are facing possible sanctions for posing and smiling beside the hijacked tourist bus at Quirino Grandstand last week. At least three of the seven cops have been identified. Probers are having a hard time identifying the remaining four because they’ve since deleted their Facebook accounts.

In Other News…

The website of the government-run Philippine Information Agency (PIA) was reportedly hacked over the weekend. Filipinos were shocked when they learned about the hacking but were even more shocked when they learned that PIA has a website.

Noynoy’s FB Account
Fact: President Aquino’s official Facebook Like Page has started censoring comments and wall posts.
Rumor: The person maintaining the President’s Facebook account is Manoling Morato.

Overseas…
Mount Sinabung, a volcano in Northern Sumatra, Indonesia erupted Sunday after 400 years of being dormant. And Filipinos were like, “That so reminds us of our president when he finally talked after 14 hours of monitoring the hostage drama.”

Coke Head
Party animal and B-movie Hollywood actress Paris Hilton told Las Vegas police that the cocaine found in her purse last Sunday was not hers. Reacting to the news, Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson said Hilton could have been “set up.”

Lost Voice
ABS-CBN News reported that Nora Aunor wasn’t able to sing at a concert in Australia because she lost her voice – another sad news for the Filipina “superstar” who has yet to find her lost career.
————————
“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”
~ John C. Maxwell

Survey Says…
Dahil sa kapalpakan ng PNP sa naganap na hostage crisis, dapat bang magbitiw sa tungkulin si DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo?
- DAPAT LANG! Command responsibility. 50%
- OA namang panawagan ‘yan. HINDI! 41%
- Hmmm, let me think first. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Unbecoming of the Little President

The Philippine Star (Boo Chanco): P-Noy’s leadership on the line

Philippine Daily Inquirer (John Nery): ‘Where the hell was Gabby Lopez?’

Philippine Daily Inquirer (Conrado De Quiros): Choices

Ito ang huling araw sa Buwan ng Wika. Nawa ay maging ligtas ang inyong Martes. Maligayang araw!

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MISCOMMUNICATION

Postscript to a Hostage Crisis
Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio Coloma on Thursday expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang telephoned President Aquino at the height of the hostage crisis last Monday. But Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that Chang did call the President. It turned out though that President Aquino’s aide did not inform him about the call because when he answered the phone and said, “Hello? How may I help you?,” Tsang’s aide replied, “May we talk to President Isko Moreno?”

Secretary Herminio Coloma expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang called up President Aquino last Monday. But fellow Communications Group Secretary Ricky Carandang said Tsang did call the President. Malacañang has since vowed to fix the communication problem between Hong Kong and Manila… as soon as it has fixed the communication problem between Carandang and Coloma.

Secretary Herminio Coloma said former President Arroyo was also to blame for Monday’s bloody hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand in Manila. But we’re not sure yet if that’s the official stand of Malacañang until we’ve heard from Secretary Ricky Carandang.

Reports say former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo wrote two letters to the Chinese Prime Minister, and to the Hong Kong chief executive. One was to extend her condolences over the death of Hong Kong nationals in a hostage drama, and the other to defend herself from Herminio Coloma.

In Thursday’s Senate hearing, Manila Police District director on leave Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay revealed that it was Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim who ordered the arrest of SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, the hostage-taker’s brother. But Lim was quick to deny Magtibay’s claim. Malacañang believes though it was GMA who ordered it.

This just in! A recent survey showed that President Noynoy Aquino is now the most unpopular Philippine president ever… in Hong Kong.

Following Monday’s bungled rescue of hostages, President Aquino has been at the receiving end of slanderous and defamatory Facebook posts, comments, insults, and swear words. The President says it feels like the campaign season once again.

President Aquino has been repeatedly bashed, insulted, lambasted, mocked, and berated by Hong Kong Chinese nationals and fellow Filipinos as well on his Facebook Like Page. The President admits he has never experienced such “below the belt attacks” – since Manny Villar conceded the presidential race.

Last Wednesday, President Aquino started to ban slanderous and defamatory posts, comments, insults, and swear words from his Facebook Like Page – the same thing that his sister Kris has been doing 24/7 since she joined the site.

The President & Tsang
Unauthenticated Tapped Telephone Conversations [Translated in Filipino]

[Phone ringing]
Baby, baby, baby, ooooh
Like baby, baby, baby noooo

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss ko, boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ka?
Male 2: Ako, aide Donald Tsang, Hong Kong chief executive.
Male 1: Busy ang boss ko.
Male 2: Totoo ba sabi mo? Hindi pwede abala kahit two minute? Sabi mo galit boss ko. Galit Donald Tsang.
Male 1: ‘Di nga puwede eh! May closed-door meeting. Tawag ka na lang ulit.
Male 2: Ikaw bahala. Kayo bahala. Basta ako tawag boss mo. Ikaw, ayaw bigay telepono.
Male 1: Ang kulit mo! Bye na nga!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
Too much love will kill you
If you can’t make up your mind
Torn between the lover

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ‘to?
Male 2: Ako aide Donald Tsang, chief executive Hong Kong
Male 1: Weh?
Male 2: Ako sabi totoo. Donald Tsang akyen boss. Siya gusto kausap presidente Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ikaw ba ‘yong tumawag sa kasama ko kanina?
Male 2: Oo. Siya sama ugali. Ayaw bigay telepono presidente.
Male 1: Naku! Wala pang info ang aming presidente. Wala pa siyang masasabi sa boss mo.
Male 2: Basta bigay mo telepono iyo presidente. Galit na talaga Donald Tsang.
Male 1: Sus! ‘Di ka talaga makaintindi ‘no? Tatawag na lang si presidente sa boss mo. Nasa meeting pa nga kasi siya. Tell Mr. Tsang, relax. Okay?
Male 2: Kayo talaga tigas ulo. Bahala kayo buhay n’yo. Ako bigay na warning. Masama magalit si Tsang. Masama magalit tao Hong Kong! Bye!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
I want nobody, nobody but you
I want nobody, nobody but you
Nandaru a shiro
Niga animon shiro

Male 1: Ni3 hao3! ?
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, ‘musta na po kayo?
Male 1: Ikaw sino? Bago tenga ko dinig boses mo.
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, si President Noynoy Aquino po ng Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ako galit iyo! Hong Kong galit iyo. Ikaw hindi kausap akin. Ako dalawa beses tawag, ikaw wala sagot kahit isa!

Male 2: Mr. Tsang, humihingi po ako ng paumanhin sa inyo. Kasalanan ko po ang nangyari.
Male 1: Saka bakit iba iba sabi iyo spokesperson. Sabi Coloma, ako hindi tawag. Sabi Carandang ako tawag. Loko-loko tao mo. Loko-loko Coloma na yan. Gawin pa ko sinungaling.
Male 2: Kaya nga po personal na akong tumawag sa inyo para magpaliwanag. Nagkaroon lang po ng miscommunication sa aking Communications Group. Inaayos na namin para hindi na maulit ang ganitong problema.

Male 1: Di ko tanggap iyo rason. Basa ko diyaryo sabi ikaw hindi katok aide mo. Hintay ako telepono. Hintay ako hintay! Tapos na Miss Universe, ako hintay pa rin! Pero aide mo ayaw ikaw katok meeting mo! Ano klase ka Pangulo?
Male 2: ‘Yon nga po. Nagpapakumbaba po ako sa pangyayari. Rest assured, magiging bukas ang linya ng komunikasyon ng Maynila sa anumang concern ninyo diyan sa Hong Kong. Anumang maitutulong namin, iparating n’yo lang po sa inyong kinatawan dito sa Pilipinas!

Male 1: Melon pa ko hindi gusto iyo gawa. Ikaw ngiti. Ikaw smile press con. Ikaw tawa doon crime scene. Hindi gusto tao Hong Kong iyo facial expression.
Male 2: Katulad nga po ng nasabi ko, hindi ko po sinasadya sakaling mapangiti man po ako. Alam ko pong napakasakit ng mga pangyayari kaya pasensya na po sakaling iba ang interpretasyon n’yo sa aking mga ngiti. Wala po akong intensyong makasakit.

Male 1: Tao dito Hong Kong galit iyo pulis, galit iyo rescue team. Sila wala silbi. Sila rescue gamit palakol. Kami duda na iyo pulis, sila tama baril sa amin turista. Ikaw imbestiga mabuti.
Male 2: Pati po ‘yan iniimbestigahan na namin. Kaya nga po merong kinatawan ang Hong Kong Police para masigurong magiging patas ang pagsisiyasat namin.

Male 1: Habang kayo siyasat hostage crisis, kami bawal travel Pilipinas. Ako utos Hong Kong citizens, bawal tourist to Manila. Delikado. Baka hostage ulit.
Male 2: Nauunawaan ko po kayo. Pero inuulit ko po, isolated incident lamang ito. Sanga pala, kailan puwedeng magtungo diyan ang high-level delegation ng aming bansa?
Male 1: Naku! Hindi ko alam sagot diyan. Kayo paalam muna Beijing, China. Kasi Beijing tampo iyo pulis.

Male 2: Ah, sige po. Maghihintay na lang kami. Makikiusap po sana ako sa inyo. Bahala na po kayo sa aming mga kababayan diyan sa Hong Kong.
Male 1: Wala naman sila problema. Meron iba amo Hong Kong, galit pero sila hindi saktan Pinay helper. Pinay helper husay linis. Sila the best. Wag ka alala, protektahan sila Hong Kong government.
Male 2: Maraming, maraming salamat Mr. Tsang. And again, on behalf of the Philippine government, kami ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa nangyaring insidente noong Lunes.
Male 1: Wala problema. Ngayon, bawas na akyen galit iyo.
Male 2: Thank you ho talaga.

Male 1: Isa pa isyu gusto ko tanong iyo. Bakit iyo kongreso adik?
Male 2: Huh?
Male 1: Sabi ko, bakit iyo kongreso dala droga dito amin Hong Kong? Ako refer Ronald Singson.
Male 2: Ahhh, hindi naman po lahat ng kongresista namin ganyan. Tinatalakay na rin po ng House ethics committee ang kaso ni Congressman Singson.
Male 1: Hindi iyan gusto ko sagot mo. Gusto ko sagot mo bakit siya lusot airport security? Talaga ba tanga iyo pulis?
Male 2: Under investigation na rin po ‘yan. Humihingi rin po ako ng paumanhin sa pagkakamali ng aming kinatawan.

Male 1: Bago ko baba telepono, ako may isa ako hiling iyo.
Male 2: Ano po ‘yon?
Male 1: Ako send iyo Facebook request. Ikaw puwede approve?
Male 2: Walang problema Mr. Tsang. Hahaha.
Male 1: O, bakit ikaw tawa na naman. Tao Hong Kong magagalit ulit iyo.
Male 2: Ooops sorry Mr. Tsang. Natuwa lang po ako sa pagiging diplomatic n’yo.
Male 1: Sige, ako dami pa asikaso trabaho. Sabi mo tao mo, sabi mo Coloma, siya isip muna bago salita. Huwag siya sinungaling. Saka sabi mo, usap sila Carandang para hindi iba iba statement. Ikaw sabi iyo pulis sila training. Wag sila tanga-tanga. Oki?
Male 2: Makakarating po Mr. Tsang.

Male 1: Ako meron isa pahabol. Puwede sabi mo thank you para akyen Congresswoman, dati iyo pangulo Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo? Siya send sulat akyen at isa sulat prime minister China. Siya mabait akyen.
Male 2: Ahmmm…
Male 1: Ikaw, wag na isip. Sige, ako galit ulit.
Male 2: Oki. Oki. Hayyyy.
Male 1: Xie xie. Zài jiàn!
[End of conversation]
——————————————
“Diplomacy in general does not resolve conflicts. Wars end not due to peace processes, but due to one side giving up.”
~Daniel Pipes

Survey Says
Ano ang assessment mo sa naging partisipasyon ng media sa Manila hostage crisis?
-TAMA LANG. Kailangang ma-inform ang publiko. 7.7%
-PARTLY to blame ang media. Baka nakatulong ang news blackout. 90.7%
-HINDI KO alam ang nangyari. Ano ba? 1.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend!

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MISTAKES

SHOCKED, ANGERED, & DISAPPOINTED by the outcome of yesterday’s hostage crisis in Manila, Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang complained that he had been unable all Monday to reach Philippine President Noynoy Aquino. Apparently, nobody bothered to inform Tsang that last Monday, the country’s president was Isko Moreno.

Did you monitor the media’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage drama at Quirino Grandstand in Manila last Monday? Of course you did! Kung ‘yung suspek nga napanood, ikaw pa!?!

Reacting to reports that the media’s blow-by-blow coverage may have agitated the suspect, President Aquino said if the government had ordered a news blackout, it would have been accused of censoring the press. So thank you to our media-friendly government, nine people are now dead.

Quezon City Rep. Winston Castelo has asked Congress to investigate the Manila hostage crisis. The public is advised to brace for our lawmakers’ reenactment of yesterday’s events – from Quirino Grandstand to Quirino Grandstanding.

Issuing its top-level black travel alert, Hong Kong advised its residents “to avoid all travel” to the country. In another news dismissed by HK authorities as unrelated, a Hong Kong court was ordered to re-measure the weight of the cocaine confiscated from Filipino lawmaker Ronald Singson.

Former senior police inspector Rolando Mendoza hijacked a tourist bus in a desperate attempt to get his job back. The incident has prompted authorities to place under surveillance a certain Willie Revillame.

This just in!
A recent report says the most dangerous place in the world nowadays is Somalia. In close second is “inside or anywhere near a bus in the Philippines.”

CONGRATULATIONS to Maria Venus Raj of the Philippines for placing fifth among 83 candidates in the 2010 Miss Universe beauty pageant. It’s such a major, major achievement!

When pageant judge William Baldwin asked, “What is one big mistake that you did in your life, and what did you do to make it right,” Ma. Venus Raj said that “there’s no major, major problem” she has “done” in her life. She just did.

The candidate from Mexico won the Miss Universe title besting our very own, Maria Venus Raj. It was Mexico’s first major, major victory against the Philippines since Erik Morales beat Manny Pacquiao in 2005.

The projected frontrunner coming into the competition, Miss Philippines managed to finish only fifth. Both Houses of Congress are reportedly conducting an inquiry to assess her overall presentation in aid of legislation.

After the pageant, reporters tried to interview Maria Venus Raj. The interview however had to be conducted inside the restroom because Venus, who was removing her makeup, wanted to “multitask.”

Quisumbing Apologizes
Embattled Human Rights Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing has apologized for her behavior during a press conference last week. Interviewed on dzMM, Quisumbing told anchor Ted Failon, “Ako ay sobrang hiya sa sarili ko sa ginawa ko noong Friday sa media. Hindi lang paliwanag kundi apology. Very deep apology. Over ang ginawa ko. Naiintindihan mo ba ako Ted? I cannot hear you!? Do you understand?!? Ano?!? I said do you understand?!? I can’t hear you sabi eh!”

Interviewed on dzMM Teleradyo, Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing apologized to the press for her behavior during a press conference last Friday. She made the live apology while taking a shower.
——————–
“Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Good evening Las Vegas! You know what, sir, in my 22 years of existence I can say that there’s nothing major, major, I mean problem that I’ve done in my life because I’m very confident with my family, with the love that they are giving to me. So thank you so much that I’m here. Thank you, thank you so much!”
~Maria Venus Raj’s answer to William Baldwin’s question
2010 Miss Universe Q&A

LIGHT BITES
Question: Can you tell us one big mistake that you did in your life?

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “First of all thank you for that wonderful question noh? Good evening Ladiesh and Gentlemen! Magandang gabi Lubao! In my nine years ash preshident, I couldn’t think of a major, major, I mean, mishtake because I am confident, and my family loves me so much that’sh why I am here now in Congressh. Thank you Pampanga! Thank you so much!”

Local Media: “Mistake? Did you monitor last night’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage crisis seen live on TV by the suspect himself aboard the tourist bus? We refuse to consider it as a major, major mistake but… media kami eh. Powerful kami. Bakit? Kinontrol ba kami ng police last night? No! So, what mistake are you talking about?”

Former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo: “Minsan na rin akong dumanas ng maulap na kalangitan na may pag-ulan at pagkulog-pagkidlat. Malakas na hangin mula sa Office of the Executive Secretary ang umiral na nagdulot ng malalaking alon sa baybayin ng DOST. Uminit ang temperatura ng mag-bayaw kaya’t hindi na ako sinikatan ng araw bilang PAGASA chief. Ang mistake ko, minaliit ko ang impluwensya ng Little President na kaklase pa ng Pangulo. That’s all. Thank you.”

Kris Aquino: “The big mistake was Alvin Patrimonio. The bigger mistake was Joey Marquez. But the biggest mistake of them all was… ay, “is” pala kasi ‘di pa nullified ang marriage namin. Aha-ha-ha! Basta biggest siya. Siya na ‘yon! Don’t wanna mention his name na. I’ll tweet na lang. Aha-ha-ha!”

Presidential Spokesman Edwin Lacierda: “Puwede ba tigilan mo na ako? Inaamin ko naman ‘di ba? I made a mistake. I mean, mistakes. Pero pinagsisihan ko na ang mga ‘yon. Kaya nga sa NBN 4 na ang press briefing at ‘di na sa ANC ‘di ba? So, please lang. Mag-move on ka na! Napipikon na ‘ko!”
————————
“Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can’t accept your imperfections, that’s their fault.”
~ Dr. David M. Burns

Survey Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Na-set up si Ronald sa Hong Kong.” Your take:
-Posible. Ingat na lang next time. 2%
-Set up? Ulol! 50%
-Set up mo’ng mukha mo! 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Major, major “Did he really say that” statements. Asked where he was during the hostage crisis, President Aquino: “Hindi ko naman kailangang ipublicize ang ginagawa ko?” Mr. President, we didn’t demand that you publicize what you where doing. But you could have at least given us a hint that you’re on top of the situation!

On Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s unanswered call: “Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.” TELL THAT TO THE CHINESE!

On Wednesday morning, I listened to Joe Taruc’s interview with Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim. Muntik ko nang malimutanng dati nga pala siyang pulis. Mas visible kasi kesa sa kanya ang isang dating basurero noong Lunes.

Elsewhere

Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility: For journalists, what to do in a hostage situation

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Media hit for blow-by-blow coverage

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INTRODUCTIONS

THIS JUST IN!
The Professional Heckler has just received a document titled “Miss Universe fever hits Malacañang.” Here’s a portion of that document.

X x x x x x x x X x x x x x x X x x x xx xx x X x x x x x x x X x x x x  x x X
Classification: Confidential
Date: August 19, 2010
Location: Unknown

President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III: Maraming salamat sa inyong pagdating. Ngayon ang ika-limampung araw ng ating pamamahala. Alam kong nagsisimula pa lamang tayong lahat. Ngunit sa tulong ng Panginoong Maykapal, magagampanan natin ang ating mga sinumpaang tungkulin. Bago natin simulan ang inihandang salu-salo, maaari bang magpakilala muna ulit tayo? Para ganahan tayong lahat, gusto ko buhay na buhay okay?!? Let’s start!

“Mula sa Bureau of Internal Revenue… ito po si Kim S. Jacinto-Henares… ang reyna ng mga kulektor ng buwis! Tax ko! Tax n’yo! Yayaman ang gobyerno sa tax ng mga ina n’yo! Thank you!”

NEXT!

“Strike 1! Strike 2! Ayoko nang ma-Strike 3! Kaya ang susunod na announcement, hindi na sa ANC! Ako po si Attorney Edwin Lacierda, tagapagsalita ng ating Pangulo: naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa palasyo!”

NEXT!

“Representing the four Abads in selfless government service, this is Julia Andrea Abad-Parker, chief of the Presidential Management Staff. I believe in the saying, ‘The family that prays together, gets appointed together!’ Mabuhay!”

NEXT!

“Isang magandang gabi sa inyong lahat! Ito po si Jejomar Cabauatan Binay Sr., ang inyong bise presidente at concurrent chairman ng Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council. Kay Binay, gaganda ang bahay!”

NEXT!

“Buenas tardes! Mi nombre es Dr. Enrique T. Ona, ang iniintrigang kalihim ng Kagawaran ng Kalusugan at dating direktor ng National Kidney Institute! Ito lang po ang masasabi ko: ‘Ding, ang bato! Ibenta mo sa ‘kin ang ‘yong bato!’”

NEXT!

“Rektikano, Rektikano, Rektikano! Rah! Seez-boom-bah! Promise, ako po ay nagbago na lalo na sa pakikitungo sa mga miyembro ng media! This is DepEd Secretary Armin Luistro! Animo!”

NEXT!

“Ako ang simula! From the Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office, I am Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang, a proud member of the KBP: Kapisanan ng mga Brodkaster ng Pilipinas! Go Ateneo!”

NEXT!

“Magandang gabi sa inyong lahat! Been there, done that, kabayong bundat! Ako nga po pala si Corazon ‘Dinky’ Soliman. Lagi po n’yong tatandaan, “Souls in the wind/ Must learn how to bend/ Seek out a star/ Hold on to the end/ Valley, mountain/ There is a fountain/ Washes our tears all away! Thank you!”

NEXT!

“I am your Truth Commission chairman Hilario Davide Jr. Ma’ayong gabi’i! Kung wala kagusto ang pamilya Estrada sa akua, labaw na ko wa ko kaangay nila. Yawâ!”

NEXT!

“Hindi na po ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa! Ako si Angelito Alvarez ng Bureau of Customs! Naniniwala po ako sa modernong kasabihan, ‘Kung hindi madaan sa hole-in-one, daanin na lang sa dayaan!’ Just call me Lito: sagot kita, sagot ko kayo, sagot ko ang padala mo!”

NEXT!

“I am Voltaire Gazmin!! Noon: PSG ni Cory; Ngayon: Defense Secretary. Loyalty is definitely the best policy!”

NEXT!

“Less talk, less mistakes. I’m Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa. Cheers!”

NEXT!

“Nang ako’y alukin ng trabaho sa gobyerno, ‘di po ako agad umoo. Subalit ‘di na po ako naka-ayáw nang udyukan ako ng aking bayaw! Dr. Mario Montejo po ang aking pangalan at Science and Technology ang aking larangan! Bow!”

NEXT!

“According to a Yiddish proverb, ‘The eyes are the mirror of the soul.’ From the Professional Regulation Commission Board of Optometry, this is Dr. Vivian Sarabia na nagpapaalala, ‘Kumain ng kalabasa upang luminaw ang mata!’ Hello Boy Abunda!”

NEXT!

“Senador Ping Lacson, alam kong nagbabasa ka! Sumuko ka na! Napapaligiran kita! Ito po ang inyong kalihim ng Kagawaran ng Hustisya… hindi taga-Peru, si Leila de Limaaaa!”

NEXT!

“Before I introduce myself, I want the President and all Cabinet members to occupy only this area so I could see everyone! This is my best angle. Deal with it! Otherwise, I’m just gonna walk out of this room! Understand? (Yes!) I can’t hear you! (Yes!!) I can’t hear all of you! Ano?!? (Yes!!!!!!!!) Very good!! I am Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing of the Human Rights Commission. Got a problem with that?!?”

NEXT!

“Good evening! I am Ombudsman Merced…

President Aquino: Guards, paano nakapasok ang babaeng ito!? Palabasin n’yo ‘yan! Now na! Next!”

“Huwag kayong magulat kung bakit ako’y narito! Personal po akong inimbita ng ating pangulo! Wala man sa Cabinet o kahit sa Senado, ako pa rin ang kanyang nag-iisang alter ego! Ramdam n’yo ba ako? Ramdam ko kayo!”

X x x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X

The CHR Commissioner
Did you hear what happened at the Commission on Human Rights office last Friday? A CHR commissioner named Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing was allegedly possessed by the spirit of an unidentified former female president of the Philippines.

Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing of the CHR went ballistic during a press conference Friday. Reporters covering the CHR are filing a torture complaint.

Last Friday, Human Rights Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing scolded some journalists for not following her instruction to position themselves in her preferred angle. The reporters had to remind Quisumbing she was in a press conference, not a magazine pictorial.

CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing scolded some journalists for not following her instructions during a press conference Friday. After the incident, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda allegedly called Quisumbing and said, “Thank you for making me look like a saint.”

Torture
Fact: Four members of the Alpha Phi Omega (APO) fraternity surrendered to authorities Friday after the death of a recruit from the University of Makati due to hazing.
Rumor: Senior Inspector Joselito Binayug, the controversial police precinct commander who reportedly tortured a suspected snatcher in Tondo, Manila is a member of APO.
———————————
“Irritability is immaturity of character. If you are subject to being cross and unpleasant with others for no apparent reason, you need to come face-to-face with the fact that you are thinking too much of yourself. After all, your feelings are not the most important things in this world.”
~Author Unknown

Survey Says
Dapat bang ipagpaliban ang barangay elections na nakatakdang isagawa sa Oktubre?
-OO! Magastos kasi! 46%
-HINDI! Kung ano ang nasa batas, sundin! 49%
-Wala akong alam sa isyu. 5%

Have a safe week ahead!

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SET UP

Torture Video
ABS-CBN News aired Tuesday a footage of a suspected holdupper allegedly being tortured by Senior Insp. Joselito Binayug, a Manila police precinct commander. Of Binayug’s act, DOJ Secretary Leila De Lima said, “That’s ghastly!” Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim lamented, “That’s inhumane.” Retired Major General Jovito Palparan blurted out, “That’s my boy!”

Torture Video II
Have you seen the “torture video” shown first and exclusively by ABS-CBN News? It was so horrible, watching it repeatedly feels like watching Kris Aquino on “Pilipinas Win na Win” everyday!

Out on Bail
Moments after Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was allowed to post bail of one million Hong Kong dollars (a month after he was arrested for drug possession), his father, Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson said Ronald may have been “set up,” citing politics and business as possible motives. Set up?!? He’s 41, a congressman, and was set up? Either Chavit himself is on drugs or he is possessed. (Or both.)

New SSS President
President Aquino has appointed Emilio De Quiros Jr., brother of Inquirer columnist and rabid Noynoy supporter, Conrado De Quiros as SSS president. After signing De Quiros’ appointment papers, President Aquino explained, “His being the brother of Conrad de Quiros is not relevant to his appointment.” The President didn’t explain though the relevance of his being defensive.

Top 5 Text Messages Received By Inquirer Columnist Conrado De Quiros Following the Appointment of His Brother to the SSS

No. 5: “Hindi dapat maliitin ang iyong naging ambag sa aking tagumpay. Pangako… hindi ako magiging ganid. – Nagmamahal, ang iyong Kapatid”

No. 4: “O, masaya ka na?!? – Sincerely, Korina”

No. 3: “Let’s celebate brod. Inuman tayo! Isama mo ang iyong kapatid sa SSS. Isasama ko ang aking bayaw sa DOST. This is my new # nga pala! – Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa.”

No. 2: “So, pa’no? Love love love na tayo? – Dinky Soliman, the Hyatt 10 and the Liberal Party”

And the No. 1 text message received by Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros following the appointment of his brother to the SSS…

“Congratulations! May kapamilya ka na rin sa gobyerno. Kaya sana, tigilan mo na ang pamilya ko! – Yours truly, Butch Abad”

Light Bites: Noon at Ngayon
NOON: Kamag-anak, Incorporated
NGAYON: Kaklase, Incorporated

NOON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging doktor!
NGAYON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging SBMA administrator!

NOON: “Pangako, ipapamahagi namin ang lupain ng Hacienda Luisita!”
NGAYON: “Stock option na lang. Hala, pirma!”

NOON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, nakatago!
NGAYON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, naka-video!

NOON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka ‘pinapatupad.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka pina-fine-tune.

NOON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa palasyo!
NGAYON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa ANC Studio!

NOON: Ang Executive Secretary… maingay, naghahamon ng debate.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Secretary… tahimik, naghahamon ng inuman.

NOON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; kinakain ng taumbayan!
NGAYON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; ‘pinapakain sa babuyan!

NOON: Ang pulitiko, tumatakbo upang maging senador.
NGAYON: Ang senador… tumatakbo.

NOON: Ang gustong maging kongresista… tumatakbo sa eleksyon.
NGAYON: Ang nahalal na kongresista… tumatakbo palabas ng sesyon.

NOON: Ang kongresista, nagco-coffee.
NGAYON: Ang kongresista, nagco-Coke. [Oops, pasensya. Na-set up nga lang pala.]

NOON: Ang House Speaker… numero unong promotor ng pamamahagi ng pork barrel.
NGAYON: Gano’n pa rin.

NOON: “No new taxes if elected” (Habang nangangampanya)
NGAYON: “Hindi ito bagong tax. Sisihin n’yo si Gloria!”
—————-
“The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”
~Carl Jung

This just in!
Authorities in Orange, California nabbed 31-year-old Filipino Michael Lallana for allegedly ejaculating into an officemate’s water bottle on two separate occasions. Sought for comment, Lallana said he may have been set up because of business or ‘office politics.’

Breaking News!
Twitter now has 1.8M active ‘users’ in the Philippines. The previous record was held by Rufa Mae Quinto.

Corny Corner
Tanong: Sino ang anak ni Manuel L. Quezon?
Sino pa? Eh ‘di… ang Wikang Pambansa.
‘Di ba sabi nila si Manuel L. Quezon ang Ama ng Wikang Pambansa!
[Aarrgh! Ang corny nga!]

What’s UP?
The UP Fighting Maroons lost its ninth straight game in the UAAP cage wars. And they lost badly. Their 0-9 slate is unnerving. I appeal to Chairman Etta Rosales of the Commission on Human Rights to please intervene. This continuing massacre of the premiere State University’s basketball team is disturbing. Have mercy!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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NOYNOY INTERACTIVE

EXACTLY 47 DAYS after President Noynoy Aquino took his oath of office, Malacañang unveiled its biggest accomplishment yet, the President’s website.

President Aquino’s official website, www.president.gov.ph provides a link to the members of his official cabinet. Reports say less than three hours after it was launched Monday, the site garnered more than 16,000 hits. In fact, the photo alone of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was hit 15,000 times.

According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Budget Secretary Butch Abad and wife, Congresswoman Dina Abad; PMS Chief Julia Abad, and Finance Secretary Purisima’s Chief of Staff Luis Abad visited the site together. Asked about their favorite link, they said, “Home.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

Top 7 Special Interactive Features of www.president.gov.ph

No. 7: Virtual practical shooting with President Noynoy

No. 6: Beat the Customs Chief in a Round of Online Golf

No. 5: Farmville (Philippine Edition): Stock Option or Land Distribution?

No. 4: KANPAi! Virtual inuman with the Executive Secretary and his friends

No. 3: 101 Ways to Fine-Tune A Defective Executive Order

No. 2: Tracking the Typhoon: Perfect Your Forecast or You’re Fired!

And the No. 1 special interactive feature of www.president.gov.ph…

Ako ang Nakikita, Ako ang Nasisisi: Halina’t Mag-Karaoke Kasama si Presidente

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
—————————-
“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Wala eh. ‘Sensya na. Hindi ako naninigarilyo!”
B: “Mahirap hong ipaliwanag eh. Basta, isang umaga, paggising ng mga legal advisers ko, ito na ho ang sabi nila sa akin, ‘Pare, hinay-hinay na tayo kay Chief Justice. Nega na ang dating eh.’”
C: “Mr. President, ‘wag mo sanang mamasamain. Four petitions against your EOs in less than 100 days?!? Sigurado ka bang graduate ng Ateneo Law School ‘yang mga tao mo?”
D: “Chief, ‘di naman sa nakikialam ako. Hypothetical lang ho. Kung isa kayo sa mga farmers sa Hacienda Luisita, ano ang pipiliin n’yo: kuwarta o lupa?”

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa mungkahing i-abolish ang Sangguniang Kabataan?
- OO! 78.6%
- HINDI. 10.8%
- Wala akong pakialam. 10.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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APPOINTMENTS

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV Host
Breaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Survey Says
Should ABS-CBN let go of Willie Revillame?
-YES. Hindi siya kawalan. 29%
-NO! Turuan ng leksyon. Buruhin ang career! 52%
-Wala akong pakialam! 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

Briefly Noted, Too
Lest you forget Mr. President…
[Screen cap of a news item on ABS-CBNNews.com]

Fast forward to August 2010. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: “I will defend the 12 percent VAT on toll even in Plaza Miranda no matter what it takes.” Mga TAXil!

Have a productive week ahead!

SECURITY

Warning
Heard the latest rumor? The United States and Canada have both issued a travel advisory for its citizens in the Philippines. Americans and Canadians were advised not to travel to Zamboanga, Basilan, and the ABS-CBN basement parking.

Authorities are alarmed by the alleged kidnap try on the father of pop star Sarah Geronimo. If suspected criminals could get through ABS-CBN’s security, Malacanang is no longer safe.

But the incident involving Sarah Geronimo’s father wasn’t the first time someone was held against his will in the ABS-CBN compound. Somebody named Willie Revillame is still waiting to be released.

Quimbo and Facebook
Marikina City 2nd District Rep. Romero Federico Quimbo, has filed a resolution seeking to regulate the use of Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites in government offices. Exempted from the proposed measure are public information bureau personnel who need to disseminate information online, and Department of Agriculture employees who are addicted to Farmville.

A Houseful of Errors
Perhaps you’ve heard about this. For almost three weeks (or until last Tuesday), the Lower House’ official website posted the wrong information on Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao. The website indicated that Pacquiao’s ‘Age’ was 68 and his ‘Spouse’ was a certain “Elizabeth B. Salvacion.” Pacquiao was inclined to just ignore the two errors… but got pissed when he saw the posted info beside the word ‘Sex’ – “Sikrit! Pero last year pa. Sa Las Vigas.”

Credible Polls
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos believed the May 10 elections were credible. The other three were Jamby Madrigal, JC De Los Reyes, and Nicanor Perlas.

Phone Addicts
According to a recent survey conducted by global research agency Synovate, 25 percent of Filipino youths in Metro Manila cannot live without a cellphone. The remaining 75 percent promised to attend the burial.

Special Report
Excerpts from the transcript of a telephone conversation between The Professional Heckler and Sen. Panfilo ‘Ping’ Lacson:

(Phone Rings)
The Professional Heckler (TPH): Hello…?
Sen. Ping Lacson (PING): Hello? Is this the Professional Heckler?
TPH: Yes… who’s this please?
PING: Si Senat Kzzst… kzzst… kzzst..tor Lac.kzzst…son ‘to!
TPH: Naku! Galaw po kayo ng konti. Chubby ka! Chubby.
PING: Oo nga eh. Medyo tumaba tayo. Ano, malinaw na?
TPH: Ayan, okay na po. Si Senator Lacson po ba talaga kayo?
PING: Oo nga! Ba’t ba ayaw mong maniwala?
TPH: Eh kasi parang ang lapit n’yo lang eh.
PING: Malapit naman talaga ako eh. Nandito lang ako sa Pilipinas.
TPH: Where exactly Senator?
PING: Gago ka ba? Eh ‘di mahuli ako.

TPH: O, napatawag kayo?
PING: Wala lang. Walang masyadong ginagawa eh. ‘Tsaka may isa ka yatang reader na nagrequest na ma-interview ako. Kaya heto… ako na ang tumawag sa ‘yo para ‘di ka na mahirapan.
TPH: Saan ba talaga kayo nagpunta?
PING: Sa tabi-tabi lang. ‘Di naman talaga ako umalis ng bansa eh. Bobo at tanga lang talaga ang mga pulis at ang NBI.
TPH: Ang hirap naman ho yata na tumatakbo kayo sa batas?
PING: Sinong may sabing tumatakbo ako? Palakad-lakad nga lang tayo eh.
TPH: Pero mahirap ‘din ho yan…
PING: Ang mahirap lang, magsuot ng damit na pambabae.
TPH: So nagdadamit-babae kayo?
PING: Kapag lumilipat ng lugar. Mahirap na. Baka may makakilala. Tiklo tayo ‘pag minalas!
TPH: Kapag nakadamit-babae, nagmi-makeup din kayo?
PING: Minsan! Pero sanayan lang. ‘Buti ‘ka mo at hiyang ako sa Lancôme. Nagka-rashes kasi ako sa Neutrogena eh. Pati ‘yong Maybelline, nangati ang mukha ko. Itinigil ko na.

TPH: Teka, hindi ho ba delikado ‘tong pag-uusap natin? Baka ma-wiretap tayo?
PING: Ano ka ba naman?! Sanay na ‘ko d’yan! Gawain ko rin ‘yan noon. Pero ngayon pa ba ako matatakot eh si Noynoy na ang presidente!
TPH: Since February pa nga pala kayo nagtatago…
PING: Tarantado! Hindi ako nagtatago. I’m just on extended vacation.
TPH: So anong reaksyon n’yo nang si Noynoy ang manalong pangulo?
PING: Siyempre, hopeful. Imagine kung ‘di s’ya tumakbo? Eh ‘di si Erap ulit ang ang presidente natin. Dead man hiding na sana ako ngayon!

TPH: Congratulations nga pala sa inyong bagong committee!
PING: Ah oo! I’d like to take this opportunity nga pala para magpasalamat kay Manong Johnny Enrile at sa mga kasamahan ko sa majority ng Senado. Kahit wala ako diyan, ipinagkatiwala nila sa ‘kin ang chairmanship ng committee on accounts.
TPH: Pero senator, pa’no nga pala n’yo magagampanan ang inyong tungkulin as committee chairman kung wala kayo sa mga sesyon?
PING: Sus! Problema ba ‘yan?! Eh bakit si Sonny Trillanes… may travel expenses na P247,404 last year kahit nakakulong? Fourth biggest spender pa! Wala nang imposible ngayon!

TPH: ‘Sabagay. Mukhang si Presidente, maamo sa inyo ah. Pati ‘yong double murder case n’yo pinakialaman na rin. Pinapa-review sa DOJ.
PING: Narinig ko nga. But I think unfair namang sabihing he’s “meddling” in my case. I think, the appropriate term is “concerned.” After all, Shalani used to be a member of my Senate staff. Pero sa tingin ko, hindi pakikialam ‘yon.

TPH: ‘Balik ho tayo sa kaso n’yo. Kung inosente talaga kayo sa pagpatay kina Dacer at Corbito, eh sino?
PING: Mahirap nang magsalita sa telepono. Sa korte ko na lang ibubunyag ‘yan.
TPH: Pa’no n’yong ibubunyag eh nagtatago nga kayo?
PING: Problema na ng korte ‘yan! Basta, isa lang ang masasabi ko, God Save the Philippines from the mastermind of that gruesome crime!

(Another phone rings)
TPH: Hello? Sino ‘to?
Man’s Voice: Puwede bang mag-react? Tinitira na naman ‘yata ni Panfilo Morena Lacson ang daddy ko eh?
TPH: Naku! Next time na lang po. Sige, bye!

PING: Teka, mukhang malo-lobat na ako ah. Mahaba pa ba?
TPH: Mabilis na lang ‘to Senator. Ano nga palang ang masasabi n’yo sa dating pangulo? Kongresista na siya ngayon.
PING: Hahaha! We have something in common. Kung ako, tumatakbo palabas ng bansa; si Mrs. Arroyo, tumatakbo palabas ng session hall! Kawawa naman ‘yong ale. Habambuhay na hinahabol ng karma…
TPH: Yeah, another thing you have in common.
PING: Anong sabi mo?!?!
TPH: Ah… senator, ‘di kita marinig. Chubby ka. Chubby. Galaw ka ng konti.

TPH: Maiba ho ako, gusto n’yo bang maging ninong sa kasal nina Pangulong Noynoy at Shalani Soledad?
PING: Depende. Kung papayag…
TPH: You mean, depende kung kukunin kayo?
PING: Hindi! Depende kung papayag si Kris na matuloy ang kasal!

TPH: Message n’yo na lang ho sa bagong kasal, este sa mga Pilipino…
PING: Alam na nila ‘yon. ‘Tsaka, ‘di ako sanay sa message-message na ‘yan. Wala naman tayo sa Startalk o sa The Buzz para mag-message-message. Masyadong showbiz! Nakakasuka! Basta, hello na lang sa manugang kong si Jodi Sta. Maria. ‘Wag mong kalimutan iha, Pampi loves you so much. Miss ko na ang aking apo. Pangako, dadalaw ako. Malapit na. At Jodi, I hope na dumami pa ang movie at TV projects mo. Good luck sa iyong career.
TPH: Oo nga Senator, mukhang ‘di kayo showbiz. Sa ating bagong Pangulo, baka meron ho kayong gustong iparating…
PING: Kay Noynoy… ipagpatuloy mo lang ang iyong mga nasimulan. Kaisa mo ako sa matuwid na pamamahala. Tama ang desisyon mong ipagbawal ang ‘wangwang.’ Tama ang desisyong mong ipagbawal ang tong. Tama ang desisyon mong ipagbawal ang counterflow. Tama ang desisyon mong ipa-review ang kaso ko! Mabuhay ka!

TPH: Maraming salamat sa pagtawag mo Senator Panfilo Lacson. Malaking karangalan ho na makausap ko kayo kahit sa telepono.
PING: Maraming salamat din sa pagkakataong ibinigay mo sa akin. Matagal ko nang hindi ginagawa ‘to. Bored lang talaga ako. Puwedeng magtanong?
TPH: Sige po. Ano ‘yon?
PING: What are you wearing?

Toot.. toot.. toot. Naputol ang kuneksyon.
End of Interview.
——————–
“Security is an illusion. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.”
~Helen Keller

Survey Says…
On the sacking of PAGASA chief administrator Prisco Nilo:
- DAPAT NOON PA! Besides, it’s the president’s prerogative. Hayaan na natin. 37.5%
- SO UNFAIR. He’s a dedicated public servant. 54.2%
- Not familiar with the issue. 8.3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
From a news item at ABS-CBN News Online (screen cap). Can you please read the encircled figure for me? I’m not good with numbers.

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EXCLUSIVE! Noynoy Interviews Kris

Ang Pangulo at si Kris Aquino:
The unpublished, unedited, and uncomfortable tell-all interview*

President Aquino (NOY): I must admit. Medyo kinakabahan pa ‘ko. First time kong gagawin ito at ikaw pa ang una kong interviewee. Bahala na.
Kris Aquino (KRIS): Ano ka ba Noy! ‘Di ba nag-usap na tayo? Nabrief ka na rin ni Boy at ni Tita Maria Montelibano, right? Even ian, the headwriter has talked to you. Kaloka ka huh! Meron ka namang set of questions ‘di ba? Go!

NOY: Wait, para saan nga ba ‘to?
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re so kulit! ‘Di ba I explained na nga kagabi? Last Sunday kasi, lumabas sa TV ang nanay ng future-ex husband ko; ‘yong bayaw mong babaero! The public sympathizes with him na raw according to my sources. I need your help. Kailangang bumalik sa ‘kin ang simpatya ng publiko.
NOY: Eh bakit ako? Bakit ‘di si Boy na lang?
KRIS: ‘Di pwede. Kakatapos lang ng interview niya sa akin sa SNN at The Buzz. Redundant na. Magsasawa ang tao.
NOY: So dapat talaga ako?!?
KRIS: Dapat lang ‘no! Remember, I donated 15 million pesos to your campaign!
NOY: Tsk… tsk… tsk. Sige na nga pero sa isang kondisyon!
KRIS: What?
NOY: Can we also talk about issues? I mean, mga usaping panlipunan o pulitika, para naman ‘di ako magmukhang showbiz lang.
KRIS: Deal! Start na tayo, bilis at naghihintay na sa akin si Bambi Fuentes. Boy, Ian ready na ba ang camera? Take na tayo! Game!

Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ikinalulugod ko pong ipakilala sa inyo ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, Kris Aquino-Yap.
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyy, ano ba? What do you mean, ipakilala??? Hello?!? I’m more famous than you ‘noh? And what’s with the Yap thing? Eeeew! Drop the Yap okay? His mom hates me na nga ‘di ba? Take 2 tayo, Boy. Gosh!
NOY: Okay! Okay! Sorry.

Take 2! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, nahaharap tayo sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Matagal pong naligaw…
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyyy!? Tapos na ang SONA my goodness! Trabaho na tayo okay? Enough of slogans and catchphrases!
NOY: Sorry, sorry. Kinakabahan lang talaga ako. Pangako… perfect ko na ‘to!

Take 3! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, iisa lang ang aking bise-presidente! Si Mar Roxas ang aking bise-presidente!
KRIS: My god! Noy! The campaign is over! Accept the fact that Mar lost the polls, hello!
NOY: Sorry ulit.

Take 4! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Puwedeng mag-yosi muna?
KRIS: Hell, no! Mali-late na ko! Tapusin na natin ‘to puwede ba?!
NOY: Sige na nga! Game.

Take 5! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, narito na po si Kris Aquino! Kris, paaaaaaasok!
KRIS: Cut!!! Noy naman! Sa ABS ‘to eere! Linya ‘yan ng newscaster sa kabila! Ano ka ba!?
NOY: Ay oo nga pala! Pasensya! Pasensya!

Take 6! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, si Kris Aquino.
KRIS: Hi Noy! Sorry, how do I address you nga pala? Bro? Mr. President? Kuya? Baka kasi sabihin nila rude ako if I just call you Noy.
NOY: No! Okay lang. Puwede na ‘yon.
KRIS: You look great by the way. Liz Uy, if you’re watching, you’re doing a great job on my brother. Thank you so much! Hello sa lahat ng Kapamilyang nanonood lalung-lalo na sa mga TFC subscribers.

NOY: Kris, hindi na ‘ko magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Noong Sunday, nagsalita ang ina ni James Yap sa kabilang himpilan.
KRIS: Really?!? Gosh. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko napanood. In fact, kung ‘di mo sinabi Noy, hindi ko malalaman! Besides, she’s not the type of person na magsasalita sa TV. I swear, napakabait at napakatahimik pong tao ng mommy ni James. That’s so sad.

NOY: Isa-isahin natin ang kanyang mga sinabi. Hindi raw talaga siya boto sa ‘yo para kay James.
KRIS: Noy, kilala mo ako. Pinalaki tayo ng ating mga magulang na may respeto sa nakakatanda sa atin. Pero kung masasakit na salita na ang ibinabato nila, siguro naman, may karapatan tayong umilag. Kung nanonood po kayo ngayon Mrs. Annie Yap: Maayos ko kayong hinarap nang bumisita ako sa Escalante City. I’m not used to spending the night in a remote village lalo na sa isang lugar na yari sa pawid at kawayan ang mga bahay. Pero tiniis ko po ‘yon dahil mahal ko ang anak n’yo. Now, kung sasabihin n’yo po na ayaw n’yo pala sa akin… magiging prangka na po ako. How sure are you na gusto ko kayo? I’m sorry Noy pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako.

NOY: Can I say something? Pasensya na po kayo Mrs. Yap. Medyo masama lang po ang…
KRIS: No! ‘Wag mo ‘kong pangunahan Noy! Magso-sorry ako kung kailangan. Next question please!

NOY: May anak na raw si James nang magpakasal kayo…
KRIS: Meron din ako! Mas malaki pa!
NOY: Oo nga noh?!? ‘Di ko naisip ‘yon ah!
KRIS: Heller! Araw-araw kayong naglalaro ng PSP, nalimutan mo na agad si Josh! Grabehhh!

NOY: Mahal mo pa ba si James?
KRIS: Mahal mo pa ba si Korina?

NOY: Sus, bakit naman ako nadamay?
KRIS: Kainis kasi ang question mo eh. I hate him! I super hate him! As in! Promise!

NOY: Moving on… sabi sa diyaryo, kayo na raw ni Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, ‘yong partner ko sa target shooting sa Antipolo tuwing weekend. Totoo ba?
KRIS: Careful Noy. Baka magalit na naman sa ‘kin sina Mar at Korina. Alam mo namang mainit sa ‘kin ang mga friends mo sa Liberal ‘di ba? Baka isipin na naman nilang Noy-Bi ang ibinoto ko. Gosh! They’re so right! Ooops, me and my big mouth. Boy, alisin na lang sa editing ‘yong sinabi ko, okay?

NOY: So ano nga? Kayo na ba ni Junjun?
KRIS: Grabeh ka naman Noy. Mag-fi-first death anniversary pa lang on August 11 ang wife niya ‘noh? Ayokong magsalita. It’s inappropriate. Close lang kami talaga. He’s really nice to me. It’s really not the right time to speak about any romance. I admit though na malapit kami ngayon sa isa’t isa at nasa kanya ang qualities na hinahanap ko sa isang guy. Mabait, caring, thoughtful, intellectual. Pero sabi ko nga Noy, it’s inappropriate to talk about us. Pero ‘yon nga, Junjun is an ideal man. Kung makikipag-date ulit ako sa isang lalaki, siya ‘yong unang-una kong idi-date. Ewan ko lang kung pareho kami ng taste sa food pero I heard he likes paella. And I do know how to cook great paella. But then again, it’s improper to talk about dates lalo pa’t magbababang-luksa pa lang sila. Ikaw Noy, okay lang ba sa ‘yo kung lumabas kami ni Junjun? Single naman siya ‘di ba? Basta, I promise to talk about him sa appropriate time. ‘Wag ngayon. Ayaw ko munang magsalita ng kahit ano. And I mean nothing! Sorry talaga. Wala akong sasabihin! Sanga pala, Cancer siya, Aquarian ako. Compatible kaya kami?

NOY: Ano naman ‘tong nabalitaan kong pati ang kaibigan kong si Chiz Escudero eh nali-link sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, that’s funny. He’s married okay? Never akong pumatol sa lalaking may sabit!

NOY: Ehem… Philip Salvador.
KRIS: I mean, sa may sabit na senador! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, hello Senator Loren!

NOY: Maiba ako. Marami kasi ang nakakapansin – parang hindi mo raw type si Shalani para sa akin?
KRIS: What?! That’s unfair. That’s preposterous. That’s ridiculous. That’s baseless! We’re friends. Wait… what’s the name of that girl again?

NOY: Shalani.
KRIS: Oh, Shahani.
NOY: No! Shalani.
KRIS: Ahh, Salami.
NOY: Nang-iinsulto ka?!?
KRIS: Namumuwersa ka?!? Eh hindi ko talaga siya like eh! Anong magagawa ko? Next question!

NOY: Seryosong usapan. Ano ang naramdaman mo nang hindi maging Senate President si Kiko Pangilinan?
KRIS: Ikaw, anong naramdaman mo?
NOY: Huh?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! You huh! Maangmaangan school of acting ka Noy! ‘Di mo naman keri! ‘Di ba nga you sought my help pa to campaign for him? O, ‘wag kang tatanggi!
NOY: Kris naman…
KRIS: Mga kababayan, pasensya na po. Hindi good liar ‘tong presidente n’yo. Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Pinapahiya mo ko…
KRIS: No! I’m just being honest. Kiko was your choice for the Senate presidency! Even Shawie asked me kung pwede ko raw tawagan sina Bong, Jinggoy at Tito Sen to vote for him. Unfortunately, nag-leak sa media. Hay naku Noy, ‘wag ka nang mag-deny! Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Change topic na nga! What do you think of my Communications Group?
KRIS: I’m not really familiar with them Noy. Sorry. Ang kilala ko lang sina Manolo Quezon at Ricky Carandang kasi nakikita ko sila sa studio ng ANC. But that was before! Ngayon, ang madalas ko nang makita sa ANC… ‘yong Edwin Lacierda! Semi-regular ba siya? Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: The Marcoses are back in Congress. Bongbong is in the Senate; Mrs. Marcos is in the Lower House. Anong masasabi mo?
KRIS: You know what Noy? Ayoko nang magsalita about them out of respect na rin sa mga taong naghalal sa kanila. Let history be the judge. Naniniwala naman ako sa karma eh. Look at one of her daughters. I won’t name names pero kapag nagsasalita siya, hindi bumubuka ang kanyang bibig. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what it is. Hindi ko siya kinaya Noy! Ang weird!!!

KRIS: Wait, before I forget. I saw your photo nga pala with your first monthly paycheck. It’s splashed all over the Internet. Gosh, what were you thinking?
NOY: Bakit? Anong masama do’n? ‘Di naman pagyayabang ‘yong ginawa ko ah.
KRIS: Hello?!!! Noy naman! Why flaunt a mere 63 thousand-peso salary!?? Nakakahiya! That amount is so unCojuangco! Basta! ‘Wag mo nang uulitin!

NOY: By the way, did you read the exclusive interview of The Professional Kegler with former President Arroyo?
KRIS: Noy… Heckler not Kegler! Hindi naman siya bowler noh! Blogger siya! Anyway no, why?
NOY: There’s a Rapid Round of questions sa interview. Ako rin, merong Rapid Round for you. I’d mention names of political and entertainment figures, give me a movie title to describe them.
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Bahala ka Noy huh! Go ako d’yan pero walang sisihan kung may masaktan. Basta ako, magiging honest lang. Go!

NOY: Let’s start with Vice President Jojo Binay…
KRIS: Hmm, “The Dark Knight.” I love you Tito Jojo!

NOY: Former First Ladies Ming Ramos, Imelda Marcos, and Loi Estrada…
KRIS: “The Good, the Bad, and the…” I’m so bad Noy! Nagmake-peace na nga tayo sa family nila ‘di ba? Pass na lang!

NOY: Sen. Manny Villar…
KRIS: “Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising.” Hello Nanay Curing!

NOY: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile…
KRIS: Jurassic Park. Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Sen. Bong Revilla…
KRIS: Ayoko! Baka magalit si Lani.
NOY: KoRni naman nito. Ano nga?
KRIS: For Bong? Hmm… SE7EN.
NOY: At sino namang nagsabi sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Noy!!!! You’re so green! SE7EN, kasi taga-kabila siya ‘noh! Gosh! Ang dirty talaga ng mind mo!

NOY:Former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo…
KRIS: Hay naku Noy! Alam mo, madaming nagalit sa ‘yo for sacking him. You and your advisers talaga! Pati PAGASA, pinupulitika n’yo!
NOY: Bawiin mo ‘yan!
KRIS: Noooo! True naman ‘di ba? ‘Yong maliliit lang ang kaya n’yong sibakin nang biglaan sa puwesto! Basta! Wala akong title for Mr. Prisco Nilo pero may title ako para sa ‘yo at sa mga advisers mo na nagsabing ifire mo siya!
NOY: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: “The Ant Bully!” At ‘di ko babawiin ‘yan!

NOY: Okay, next! Puregold owner Lucio Co…
KRIS: Noooooo! Endorser si Boy ng Puregold, Noy! Ayokong mag-comment.
NOY: C’mon. Alam mo naman ang isyu kay Mr. Lucio Co ‘di ba?
KRIS: Sige na nga! Pero Boy, walang personalan huh. Based lang ito sa mga naglalabasang reports since the time of former President Erap. Para kay Mr. Lucio Co? Hmm, “Big Fish.” Shockkks! Did I really say that? I just said “Big Fish” okay? I didn’t say na smuggler siya! Malinaw ‘yon huh. Wala akong sinabi about smuggling. Promise!

NOY: Vicki Belo…
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re putting me on the spot Noy! Endorser ako ng Belo Medical Clinic ‘noh!
NOY: Akala ko ba honest ka?
KRIS: Sige na nga. Pero Vicki, if you’re watching, nothing personal okay? Game lang ‘to. The movie to describe her???? Hmmm, “Face/Off.” I love you Vicki!

NOY: Finally, movie titles to describe Chiz Escudero and Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Seriously?
NOY: Yeah! Seriously!
KRIS: Honestly?
NOY: Of course!
KRIS: Katulad ng nasabi ko, I may not be perfect but I’m not a liar. So para kina Chiz and Junjun… physically? “The Hottie and the Nottie.” Gosh! I’m so mean. Pero promise, si Junjun ang pinaka-close sa akin ngayon! True ‘yan!
NOY: Salamat Kris.

KRIS: Wait!!! Bago matapos ang interview na ito Noy, gusto lang kitang tanungin. Tutal, past is past na naman ‘di ba? For a while kasi, nagkasama kami ni Korina sa isang morning show. Gusto ko lang malaman, what went wrong with your relationship? Sino ang nakipag-break?
NOY: Seriously?
KRIS: Yeah, seriously.
NOY: Honestly?
KRIS: Of course!
NOY: Well, ‘yan ang dapat nilang abangan sa susunod kong tell-all interview!
KRIS: You’re so madaya! Kainish! Nambitin pa! Is Korina a good kisser? Did she use her tongue? Gosh, I’ll wait for that interview!

NOY: Before we end this interview, what do you want to tell James in case he’s watching?
KRIS: I’m sure he’s not! Malamang nanonood na naman ‘yon ng Mr. Bean. Wala akong message! Besides, he won’t understand naman my Ateneo-accented English eh. It’ll just be a waste of my ptialina amylase!

NOY: Any final message?
KRIS: Noy, words won’t be enough to express my pride, gratitude, and happiness in having you as a brother. Sobrang proud kami nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky at Ate Viel sa mga na-achieve mo… although ‘di pa masyadong marami. I’m sure, Mom and Dad are equally proud of their only son. Huwag mong bibiguin ang ating mga kababayan lalung-lalo na ang mga volunteers na sumuporta sa ‘yo. [By the way, wala ka bang maibibigay na puwesto kay Juana Change? Nagkabati na ba sila ni Attorney Lacierda?] Sana magtuluy-tuloy ang iyong magandang simula hanggang sa katapusan ng iyong termino. Magbabantay ako. Magmamasid kaming lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala. Sa 2016, kapag wala na akong problema sa personal kong buhay, baka ako na ang magpatuloy sa iyong nasimulan para sa ating bayan… ‘yon ay kung makukumbinsi ko si Chiz na kunin akong runningmate. Chizzy-Krissy, cute naman ‘di ba? Aminin mo! Catchy ‘yon!

NOY: Maraming salamat din Kris. Despite your idiosyncrasies, mahal ka pa rin ng buong pamilya. At bilang kapatid mo, wala akong masabi. Wala akong maidagdag. Wala akong choice! Maraming salamat sa iyong oras and…
KRIS: Wait! After a 45-day hiatus, my Twitter account is alive again! O, ‘wag nang tumaas ang kilay! I know, nag-promise akong ‘di na magtu-Twitter. Pero ‘di ko kaya eh! So follow me on Twitter, @iamkrisaquino! Now na! Thank you Noy!

NOY: Aren’t you gonna plug “The Price Is Right?”
KRIS: No, na! Thanks. ‘Di ako masyadong proud sa programa eh! Bye!

END OF INTERVIEW.
*Exclusive to The Professional Heckler

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BAD WEATHER

ALMOST A MONTH after devastating the archipelago, typhoon Basyang returned to the Philippine area of responsibility last Friday but not as strong. In fact, there’s only one reported casualty. He was identified as Prisco Nilo!

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief administrator Prisco Nilo. In sacking the weather bureau chief, Aquino said, “He should have taken seriously the fact that they were way off the mark!” Dahil diyan… may nag-teeexxt! “Dear Mr. President, Perfect ka raw!”

Some reports say PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo was fired because of “repeated mistakes” – which makes us wonder why Edwin Lacierda is still there.

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo. Critics of the president are accusing him, yet again, of favoring ABS-CBN. This, after rumors circulated that Prisco Nilo would be replaced by Kuya Kim (Atienza).

Reports say President Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo for the failure of the weather bureau to predict the track of typhoon Basyang last July. The surprising decision has alarmed some Liberal Party stalwarts who predicted that Aquino’s alter ego, Mar Roxas was on track to becoming vice president.

Bahay Pangarap
For the first time since he assumed office, President Aquino spent the night at Bahay Pangarap last Thursday. As reported by GMANews.TV, the President “had to adjust to his new room, his new bed, and even to the unfamiliar position of the light switches.” The place was really new to him. In fact, he almost blew his top Thursday night when he couldn’t locate his PSP.

Shocked Solon
House Majority Leader Neptali Gonzales II was reportedly shocked by a COA report showing the ginormous paychecks, perks and bonuses enjoyed by top executives of government corporations. All along, Gonzales thought greed and excess were a monopoly of congressmen.

So Dead: Ivan Padilla
Carjack gang leader Ivan Padilla was killed in a shootout with policemen before dawn last August 2 in Makati City. He died shortly after a magical bullet took the form of human hands and strangled him to death.

Reports say the shootout between Padilla’s group and the Makati City police happened between 4 and 5 am. However, it took almost another hour before the police could rush Padilla to the hospital because ABS-CBN News’ exclusive interview wasn’t over yet.

ABS-CBN News was the first TV crew to arrive ot the scene of the shootout between Ivan Padilla and Makati City cops… prompting palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to issue a statement denying he had leaked the network advance information about the operation.

Ivan Padilla’s mother is a convicted drug trafficker who was sentenced to life in prison. Ivan himself is reportedly a drug user. To sustain his habit, he turned to carjacking. And now he’s dead. Geez, I didn’t see that coming!

In Sports…
The UP Fighting Maroons led by as much as 22 points against the NU Bulldogs Saturday only to lose by four. The Maroons thus finished Round 1 of the UAAP cage wars with a 0-7 win-loss slate… making it the frontrunner in this year’s UAAP Consistency Award.
———————–
“A hasty judgment is a first step to recantation.”
~Publilius Syrus

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EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence

Breaking News: For the first time since winning a seat in the House of Representatives, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo agreed to be interviewed.

She requested though that the exclusive interview be conducted in the vernacular in celebration of the Philippine National Language Month. Here’s the rare, 45-minute conversation in full.

The Professional Heckler (TPH): Kumusta na po kayo ma’am?
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (GMA): Heto, napagod sa kakatakbo. Bigla ba naman akong sabihan na may privilege speech pala si Walden Bello, natural, kinailangan kong lumabas ng session hall. Eh nakita kong papalapit na siya sa podium, ayon kumaripas ako nang takbo. Maliliit pa naman ang aking mga hakbang kaya hiningal talaga ako!

TPH: Mabuti naman at ‘di kayo hinarang ng mga guwardiya..
GMA: Naku, imposible ‘yan! Si Mikey ang naka-duty nang lumayas ako sa Batasan.

TPH: Saan po kayo nagpunta?
GMA: Katulad nga ng nasulat mo sa iyong previous blog post, I tried to leave for Hong Kong. Eh cancelled pala ang mga flights ng PAL kaya umuwi na lang ako sa Lubao.

TPH: Last week po ay nilagdaan na ni Pangulong Noynoy Aquino ang Executive Order No. 1 creating the Truth Commission. Ano po ang masasabi n’yo?
GMA: My two spokespersons, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Congressman Edcel Lagman have repeatedly raised the issue of the EO’s constitutionality. Naniniwala ako sa kanila. It’s unconstitutional.

TPH: Ano naman pong masasabi n’yo sa Communications Group ng ating Pangulo. Inaakusahan po sila ng bias at pagli-leak ng advance info sa isang network.
GMA: Hay naku! Ayaw ko nang makialam sa isyu ng leak na ‘yan. May sarili akong leak na pinu-problema. In fact, after ng interview na ‘to, I’ll have my biennial mammogram.

TPH: Kumusta na po si Attorney Mike Arroyo?
GMA: Okay naman. Nakakapag-golf na ulit. Naghihintay lang kami ng advice ng kanyang doktor for his next check up in Hong Kong.
TPH: Kailan po ‘yon?
GMA: Depende. Depende sa schedule ng susunod na privilege speech ng aking mga kritiko.

TPH: Kung maibabalik po ang year 2004, tatawagan n’yo pa rin ba si Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano?
GMA: Sino ‘yon? May sinabi ba akong si Garcillano ang tinawagan ko? Remember: when I made that “I’m sorry speech,” never kong pinangalanan ang Comelec official na kinausap ko. Tawagin n’yo na akong corrupt, balasubas, magnanakaw, sinungaling, pandak, at kung anu-ano pang panlilibak… pero never akong nanlaglag ng ibang tao. In short, walang basehan ang iyong tanong. Let’s move on.

TPH: Kung bibigyan kayo ng pagkakataong maging pangulo ulit, tatanggapin n’yo ba?
GMA: Kung ang komposisyon ng Kongreso ay gaya pa rin ng mga nagdaang mga taon, why not? I feel safe and secure with those guys around me.

TPH: Madam Congresswoman, do you pray?
GMA: Before? Yeah.
TPH: Right now?
GMA: Lalo na!

TPH: Sabi po nila, tumakbo lang kayong kongresista dahil ayaw n’yong makasuhan…
GMA: Hindi totoo ‘yan! Tumakbo ako sa Kongreso dahil ‘di na ko puwedeng tumakbo sa pagka-pangulo.

TPH: Can you imagine yourself in jail?
GMA: Can you imagine this interview cut short?
TPH: Oh, I’m sorry for that question. Let’s just talk about the current administration. Sa tingin n’yo ba masyadong nagiging mapaghiganti ang gobyernong Aquino sa inyo?
GMA: Two words: Truth Commission. I need not elaborate.

TPH: May over-importation daw po ng NFA rice…
GMA: Hindi rin totoo ‘yan! Maraming naiiwan sa imbakan dahil hindi binibili ng mga tao ang NFA rice. It’s their fault! Gusto nila, high quality! Masyado silang choosy!

TPH: Malaki daw po ang sweldo ng mga taga-MWSS…
GMA: Mali naman ang impormasyon nila! Sa katunayan, kung iche-check n’yo ang perks ng mga executives ng ibang GOCCs at GFIs, malalaki rin ‘yon! Hindi lang MWSS. Mali ang report!

TPH: How do you find palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda? Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa kanya?
GMA: I admire the guy. Sa siyam na taon ko sa palasyo, once lang ako nag-sorry sa inyo. Si Lacierda, nakakadalawa na, kakasimula pa lang sa trabaho.

TPH: How about the issue between the Noybi supporters and the NoyMar camp? Sa palagay n’yo ba makakaapekto ito sa pamamalakad ni Pangulong Aquino sa gobyerno?
GMA: I really don’t know. Wala naman akong vice president noon kaya ‘di ako maka-relate.

TPH: Nag-uusap pa ba kayo ni Chief Justice Renato Corona?
GMA: Hindi na. Busy lagi ang phone eh. The last time I tried calling him, ang sabi, “Sorry, the number you dialed is having dinner with Peping Cojuangco. Please try your call later.”

TPH: Kumusta na po si Gibó?
GMA: Si Gibó? Hahaha. Namimiss ko ang batang ‘yan. One of the most brilliant minds in my Cabinet. Sayang. Naputol ang aming komunikasyon nang lumabas ang Villaroyo black propaganda noong kampanya. Nagtampo yata sa ‘kin. But yesterday, I heard nag-a-apply siyang piloto sa PAL. If you’re reading this, Sulong Gibó!

TPH: Once and for all, linawin po natin: sino po ang sinuportahan n’yo noong nakaraang eleksyon? Si Gibó o si Villar?
GMA: Si Vetellano Acosta! Kaya ‘wag na kayong magtaka kung bakit marami siyang botong nakuha.

TPH: Madam Congresswoman, until now, curious pa rin po ang publiko. Ano raw po ba ang pinag-usapan n’yo ni President Aquino during that 10-minute limousine ride from Malacañang to Quirino Grandstand last June 30?
GMA: Wala. Kasi, bawat traffic light na madaanan namin, inoorasan niya ang pagpapalit ng kulay. ‘Tapos, tanong siya nang tanong kung sino si Ped Xing. Tawa naman ako nang tawa. So ‘yon, ‘di namin namalayan, Luneta na pala.

TPH: Dumako na po tayo sa tinatawag nating Rapid Round. Dapat po mabilis lang ang inyong sagot. Bawal magpaliwanag. Okay?
GMA: Nakaka-nerbyosh ka naman! Sige nga.

TPH: Ma’am, lights on or lights off?
GMA: Lights off! Mahal kasi ang kuryente ng Meralco.

TPH: Artistic or Athletic?
GMA: Siyempre, golfer si Mike. Athletic!

TPH: Beauty or Brains?
GMA: I wouldn’t have lasted nine years in office kung wala akong utak. Beauty na lang.

TPH: Love or Money?
GMA: After nine years in office?!? Marami na ‘kong money! I’ll choose love siguro. Wait, pwedeng both?

TPH: ABS-CBN or GMA 7?
GMA: NBN 4, kahit ‘di nag-rate ang The Working Preshident. Pero prangkahan na… nakaka-relate ako kay Trudish Liit ng GMA 7.

TPH: This time naman, magmi-mention po ako ng names ng mga kilalang tao. Let me know kung ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip n’yo kapag nababanggit ang kanilang mga pangalan. Let’s start with… Joseph Estrada?
GMA: Hmm, whiskey.

TPH: Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
GMA: Merciful!

TPH: The Firm?
GMA: Powerful!

TPH: Hyatt 10?
GMA: Welcome back! Hahaha!

TPH: Garcillano?
GMA: Pass!

TPH: Nani Perez?
GMA: ‘Kaw talaga! You make me blush. Ahihihi

TPH: Noynoy Aquino?
GMA: Good luck!

TPH: Jojo Binay?
GMA: Lucky.

TPH: Mike Arroyo?
GMA: Plenty! Hahahaha! I’m jussssht kidding! Puwede bang off the record na ‘yon?

TPH: Ricky Carandang?
GMA: Cessh Drilon. Akala mo, ‘di ako updated huh. Hi Cessh!

TPH: Secretary Abad?
GMA: Sino sa kanila? Madami eh.

TPH: Philippine Daily Inquirer?
GMA: Shorry, Bulletin lang ang binabasha ko noon!

TPH: Conrado De Quiros?
GMA: Pass!

TPH: Ellen Tordesillas?
GMA: Lalo na ‘yan! Pass!

TPH: Kris Aquino?
GMA: Ay, totoo ba ‘yun? Sila na raw ni Junjun?

TPH: Jocjoc Bolante?
GMA: Rotarian.

TPH: Bayani Fernando?
GMA: Pedestrian.

TPH: Jamby Madrigal?
GMA: Vagitarian.

TPH: Korina Sanchez?
GMA: May katarayan!

TPH: Vicky Toh?
GMA: Huh?! Good Lord!

TPH: Lilia Pineda?
GMA: Jueteng lord!
TPH: Talaga po!?
GMA: Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Off the record ulit, please?

TPH: And finally, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?
GMA: Huh? Bakit naman ako nasama?
TPH: Request po ng readers ng blog ko.
GMA: Bakit? May readers ka ba?
TPH: Naman! I’m sure, binabasa kayo ngayon ng mga anchors at reporters ng TV5, ABS-CBN, ANC, dzMM, GMA 7 (not sure, pero sana!), GMANews.TV, dzRJ, dzME, dwRX, ABS-CBNNews.Com, Inquirer.Net, at maging ng reporters, columnists at editors ng Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, Manila Bulletin, Manila Standard Today, Manila Times, BusinessWorld, Malaya, Newsbreak, Asia Pacific Broadcasting (Singapore) mga thinking bloggers, at ng libu-libong kababayan natin here and around the world.

GMA: Yabang! Bakit? Ito bang interview na ‘to mababasa ng favorite singer kong si Ricky Martin o ng favorite comedian kong si Ricky Gervais?
TPH: Hindi ko lang po sure pero sigurado akong mababasa po ito ni Ricky Carandang, si Secretary Ricky Carandang.
GMA: O shige na nga. Ano nga ulit ang tanong?

TPH: Babaguhin ko na lang po ang tanong para espesyal: Sakaling pumanaw si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, ano po ang mababasa namin sa kanyang epitaph?
GMA: Ang morbid naman! Pero dahil sport ako at dahil exclusive ang interview na ito, pagbibigyan kita. Medyo mahaba ang isusulat ko sa aking epitaph. Ito ‘yon: HERE LIES…
TPH: Thank you Madam President!
GMA: Teka, hindi pa ako tapos!
TPH: Okay na po ‘yun! Understood na! Ano na lang po ang inyong message sa ating mga kababayan…
GMA: Sure ka puwede na ang gano’ng epitaph?
TPH: Sure na! Final answer! Message n’yo na lang po sa taumbayan…

GMA: Okay. Mga kababayan, kasaysayan na lamang po ang huhusga sa akin. Ginawa ko pong lahat ang aking makakaya bilang Pangulo ng ating bansa. Wala akong inisip kundi ang kapakanan ng maliliit na Pilipino. Sa pagtupad ko sa aking tungkulin bilang kinatawan ng lalawigan ng Pampanga, umaasa ako at mananalangin na harinawa’y umunlad hindi lamang ang aking mga nasasakupan kundi bawat isa sa inyo na nagpupursige sa buhay. Sa huli, iniiwan ko ang sa tuwina’y paalala noon ng aking ama: “Do what ish right; do what ish besht, and God will take care of the resht.”

TPH: Very well said ma’am. Pero bago ko po kayo tuluyang pakawalan, last question na lang po. Naitanong na po ito ni Mr. Boy Abunda kay Gretchen Barretto three weeks ago sa “The Buzz,” pero gusto ko pong itanong din sa inyo. Hypothetical lang po: kung sa impyerno kayo mapupunta, sino ang gusto n’yong makasama?
GMA: That’s a hard question. Pero hypothetical lang naman ‘di ba? Siguro, bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob, isasama ko lahat ng kongresistang sumuporta sa ‘kin noong time na may mga banta ng impeachment. Exciting na biyahe ‘yon. Ang dami! Teka, puwedeng magsama ng isa pa?
TPH: Kayo po ang bahala.
GMA: Si Attorney Oliver Lozano. Mahusay siyang mag-preempt eh. Malay mo, ma-preempt din niya ang pagpasok ko sa impyerno.

TPH: Thank you so much Madam Congresswoman. It’s both an honor and a pleasure to talk to you.
GMA: Thank you too, Professional Heckler. Ikaw pala ‘yon. Hayup ka! Jussht kidding. Oops, bago ko malimutan, please add me on Facebook. Just type: Facebook.Com slash ImpunityistheBestPolicy, and then click “Like” at automatic friends na tayo. Thank you.

End of Exclusive Interview
Monday, August 2, 2010
Batasang Pambansa Parking Lot

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DEPARTURES

DID YOU HEAR the latest news on our official flag carrier, the Philippine Airlines? Their pilots have decided to fly… minus the planes.

More than a dozen PAL pilots have resigned for higher-paying jobs in foreign airlines. The PAL management is furious saying the pilots should have told them of their decision much earlier. Had PAL been informed six months ahead of the resignations, it would have been much easier for the airline to pirate pilots from Cebu Pacific.

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Malacañang invited Cebu Pacific president and CEO Lance Gokongwei to a meeting Monday to “explore ways his airline could cover flights for PAL.” The Cebu Pacific boss attended the meeting but there was a delay of 1 hour in his arrival.

Bello’s Speech
Akbayan party-list Rep. Walden Bello on Monday delivered a scathing privilege speech against former president and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. But minutes before Bello spoke, Arroyo hurriedly left the session hall; tried to flee to Hong Kong but failed because of canceled PAL flights.

Cory’s Death Anniversary
It was a busy weekend for the Aquino family as they remembered the first death anniversary of former President Corazon Aquino. President Noynoy Aquino unveiled a commemorative marker in Greenhills. Pinky Aquino-Abellada led a tree-planting activity on Times Street. And Kris Aquino discussed her troubled marriage on TV.

Kris and Junjun
In taped television interviews, Kris Aquino reveals Makati Mayor Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay possesses the qualities she admires in a man – the very same qualities she previously told the whole world she admired in Alvin Patrimonio, Joey Marquez, and James Yap.

In TV interviews over the weekend, Kris Aquino said, “Next year, ‘pag alam kong okay na okay na ako and Junjun were to say, ‘Kris, gusto mo bang mag-dinner?’ I’d say ‘yes.’ Why? Dahil alam kong hindi niya ako lolokohin.” – to which Dr. Elenita Binay said, “Sus! Ganyang-ganyan din ang sinabi ko noon about Jojo.”

Most Trusted
A recent Pulse Asia survey showed DSWD Sec. Corazon “Dinky” Soliman was the most trusted appointed national official. Of the 1,200 people surveyed, 864 (72 percent) trusted Soliman; the rest were avid readers of Conrado De Quiros.

Alvarez on Corruption
Customs Commissioner Lito Alvarez vowed to cut graft & corruption in the bureau by 80 percent in three years. Of course, that figure can be changed to 85, 90, or higher depending on what his partners will jot down in the Customs scorecard.

Archeological Breakthrough
A team of archeologists led by Dr. Armand Mijares of the University of the Philippines has confirmed the discovery of a 67,000-year-old human fossil in Callao Cave in Cagayan province. The remains were identified as that of a childhood friend of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile.
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“A long dispute means both parties are wrong.”
~Voltaire

Survey Says
Dapat bang patalsikin bilang miyembro ng Kamara si Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson?
- Oo, para maisalba ang imahe ng Kongreso 78.5%
- Hindi. Premature pa. Kung ma-co-convict siguro. 15.8%
- Sino siya? Anong isyu? 5.7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Ohio really hates the guy. And so do I. Go Lakers!