GOVERNMENT STATION

FOR THE SECOND time in less than a week and the third time in a month, broadcast network ABS-CBN was reportedly given preferential treatment by Malacañang. Four days after the network allegedly received an advance copy of President Aquino’s SONA, the Philippine Daily Inquirer said palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda broke the news “about Memorandum Circular No. 2 not in the government-run National Broadcasting Network as protocol demanded, but in the privately owned ABS-CBN.” The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is now investigating reports Lacierda’s application for the position of “Breaking News Correspondent” has been approved by Maria Ressa.

Breaking News! Unconfirmed reports say ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs head Maria Ressa has decided to pull out the network’s reporters from Malacañang. Edwin Lacierda and Ricky Carandang are already in the palace; Ressa believes that’s redundancy.

The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is protesting the alleged bias of Malacañang towards ABS-CBN. Members of the MPC felt they’ve had enough when palace spokespersons ended a recent press briefing with the line, “Salamat sa inyong pagdalo. Kami ang Communications Group ng Pangulo… naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundo!”

For the second time in a month, palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda apologized to the Malacañang Press Corps for breaking an important piece of information to the privately-owned ABS-CBN network. Lacierda issued the apology on ANC.

SONA Leak
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang is now investigating reports that an advance copy of President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address was given to ABS-CBN last Monday. Lacierda said the probe would be as transparent as possible. In fact, the public will have a chance to see the actual investigation… on ABS-CBN’s XXX.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said “I don’t know how ABS was able to get a copy (but) I can very well vouch for the fact that although Ricky Carandang is a former employee of ABS, he did not in any way leak it to ABS because I was with him the whole time” to which former ANC host Manolo Quezon said, “Eh bakit nakatingin ka sa ‘kin?”

Spokespersons
The Communications Group of President Aquino will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang – one for dzMM, another for ABS-CBN, and a third for ANC.

Survey Says…
Are palace communicators (e.g. Edwin Lacierda) biased towards ABS-CBN?
A: Mismo! – 25%
B: Obvious naman ‘di ba? – 25%
C: Is water liquid? – 25%
D: Okay lang. Kebs! – 25%

This is our new survey. But no need to vote. This is a biased poll. The results have been leaked to ABS-CBN even before they’re posted here.

This just in: Rumors say the Philippine Lotto Draw will soon air on ABS-CBN! Wohoo!
———————
“I think perfect objectivity is an unrealistic goal; fairness, however, is not.”
~Michael Pollan

Enjoy your weekend!

Personal Faves
SRO (Suhestyon, Reaksyon at Opinyon) with Lynda Jumilla and Alvin Elchico nightly on dzMM after TV Patrol and Strictly Politics with Pia Hontiveros, Tuesdays@7:30 PM on ANC.

COMMUNICATORS

Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”

NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”

Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
- Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
- Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
- I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

DO NOT follow me on Twitter. You’ve been warned!

THE NATION ACCORDING TO NOYNOY

PRESIDENT BENIGNO SIMEON ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III’s first State of the Nation Address is over. Now, can anyone please tell me how to get a job at the MWSS?

Aquino’s SONA
President Aquino delivered his first State of the Nation Address Monday. It was direct to the point. Like a missile, the SONA hit its target – located somewhere in Hong Kong.

President Aquino’s first ever State of the Nation Address was short and direct. No frills, no gimmicks, no fanfare, no land reform, no economic goals, no foreign policy.

Addressing the CPP-NPA-NDF, Aquino asked: “Handa na ba kayong maglaan ng kongkretong mungkahi, sa halip na pawang batikos lamang?” – to which extreme Leftist lawmakers replied, “Kapag ganun ang nangyari, eh hindi na kami ‘yon.”

The President also said, “Habang nagpapatuloy ang barilan, patuloy din ang pagkakagapos natin sa kahirapan.” And then he vowed to quit target shooting on weekends and promised to work instead.

There was one awkward moment TV cameras failed to catch during the SONA. When President Aquino said, “Creating jobs is foremost on our agenda,” the four Abads in government chorused, “Taaama!”

The President also vowed to “strengthen the Witness Protection Program” – by establishing partnership with the La Salle Brothers.

On Monday, President Aquino let loose some bombshells. Not sure if it shocked many Filipinos but when TV cameras focused on former First Ladies Imelda Marcos and Luisa Ejercito, their faces barely moved.

President Aquino’s 35-minute State of the Nation Address was interrupted 29 times by applause… and at least 3 times by Aquino waiting for the applause.

Speaking before members of both Houses of Congress, President Aquino vowed, “Sa administrasyon po natin, walang quota-quota, walang tongpats; ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang.” The congresspersons broke into applause… with the heaviest of hearts.

A day before Aquino’s State of the Nation Address, former president and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left for Hong Kong. As they say, flight is an indication of guilt.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother, former President Arroyo did not attend the SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” – to the delight of Prof. Danton Remoto who’s been looking for an ally in Congress.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother was not there to listen to President Aquino’s SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo curtly replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” Last night, his wife Kakai Manotok-Arroyo wasn’t able to sleep well.

In other news…
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was re-elected president of the Senate. He got a total of 17 votes while his rival for the post, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano got only 3 votes. Cayetano’s votes came from Joker Arroyo, Pia Cayetano, and Sharon Cuneta.

Belmonte By A Landslide
Voted by at least 227 congressmen, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano “Sonny” Belmonte scored a landslide victory against Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman for the Speakership of the House of Representatives. Belmonte’s win was “a walk in the pork.”

A total of 258 congressmen were present when the session opened at 10 am. In the race for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Sonny Belmonte got 227 votes while Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman got 29 votes. Surprisingly, Vetellano Acosta managed to get 2 votes.

Aside from Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who was in Hong Kong, and Cagayan Representative Florencio Vargas who passed away over the weekend, two other congressmen were absent when session opened at the Lower House: Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, and Negros Occidental Rep. Julio ‘Jules’ Ledesma IV. One is a rich, alleged drug user who almost always gets away with it, and the other is Chavit’s son.
———————-
“Dapat din po nating mabatid: ito ay panahon ng sakripisyo. At ang sakripisyong ito ay magiging puhunan para sa ating kinabukasan.
~President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III (SONA 2010)

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si dating Pangulong Arroyo, dadalo ka ba sa SONA ni Pangulong Aquino?
-Why not? Karapatan ko ‘yon. 26%
-Never! Not even in my wildest wet dreams! 61%
-Pag-iisipan ko. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s first State of the Nation Address

Meet the members of the MWSS Board of Trustees

Note: The photos of the members of the Board of Trustees suddenly disappeared on Tuesday. Hoy! Akala n’yo ba kapag inalis ang mga larawan n’yo, mababago no’n ang realidad na ang kakapal ng mga mukha n’yo?!? Mga punyeta kayo! Pa-cheeseburger naman kayo! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

SHOCK

PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his State of the Nation Address will “shock” Filipinos… a majority of whom have yet to recover from the shock of his victory.

President Aquino warned that his SONA would “shock” every Filipino… except for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and her former cabinet.

Presidential Communications Group member Ricky Carandang says President Aquino’s SONA will be 20-minute long… or even longer, depending on Mrs. Arroyo’s threshold for shame.

President Aquino said the first draft of his speech was 24 pages long, single-spaced and with a font size of 16 points. He also used his favorite font, Comic Sans.

The first State of the Nation Address of President Aquino will be in Filipino. The original plan was to write it in English… but President Aquino complained he couldn’t find a direct English translation for “wangwang.”

According to President Aquino, the fifth draft of his speech is down to 15 pages, and would probably take 30 minutes to read… or maybe 40, if they push through with the initial plan of including a cigarette break.

Ricky Carandang was quoted to have said that the initial draft of President Aquino’s speech reached 30 pages. And that’s just for his acknowledgment of the presence of all Abads in government!

President Aquino’s speech on Monday will reportedly focus on two things: the good intentions of the Aquino government, and the evils of the Arroyo administration. I wouldn’t be surprised if Conrado De Quiros was consulted by Aquino’s speechwriters.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says President Aquino’s SONA will expose anomalies in the Arroyo administration. In fact, the President himself said his speech would contain at least five “discoveries” he made when he assumed office… which makes me wonder, why the need for a Truth Commission when the Communications Group is doing the same job?

President Aquino says his speech on Monday is down to 15 pages. The President is all praises for his pool of writers. You know, it’s not easy to write a 15-page speech based on a nine-year long material.

Busted: Tomorrow, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo won’t be present in Congress’ joint session even if it’s her first term. Also expected to not show up is Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who has started another term – a jail term.

Top 10 Rejected State of the Nation Address (SONA) Opening Lines

No. 10: “Let us offer a minute of silence for the souls of those lawmakers who cannot be with us this afternoon.”

No. 9: “Sa lahat ng nangungulit at nagtatanong, sa Biyernes pa po ang dating ni Kris.”

No. 8: “Mar, pare, I know you’re watching. Miss you ‘tol!”

No. 7: “Kay Senador Antonio Trillanes IV, ipinapangako ko, sa aking susunod na SONA, kasama ka na namin dito.”

No. 6: “We are 30 minutes ahead of schedule. It’s only 3:30. Kaya mga kaibigan, would you please welcome, ang aking idolo… Mr. Noel Cabangon!”

No. 5: “Guard, make sure na hindi makakalapit si Sharon Cuneta kay Senator Sotto.”

No. 4: “Ang hindi papalakpak, babawasan ang pork barrel!”

No. 3: “Lahat ng dumalo ngayong hapong ito ay mag-uuwi ng Chicken McNuggets meal courtesy of Pagcor!’

No. 2: “After ng aking SONA, walang street party, walang free concert, walang budget!”

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Magandang balita mga kababayan! Natukoy na po ang may kasalanan sa kakulangan ng tubig sa Angat Dam; sa nag-leak na gasolina sa West Tower condominium sa Makati City, at sa hiwalayang James Yap at Kris Aquino. Walang iba kundi ang dating pangulo, si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!”
———————-
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Breaking News!
Senator Francis ”Kiko” Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the presidency of the Senate. The LP senator said quitting is the best way to ensure unity among senators. It’s also the easiest way to save face.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the Senate presidency. Even his party, the Liberal Party has reportedly conceded to Senator Enrile. The only person that has yet to concede is Sharon Cuneta.

Chavit Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit” Singson told ABS-CBN News his son Ronald, a congressman could have been influenced (“nasulsulan”) to using drugs particularly cocaine resulting in his July 11 arrest in Hong Kong. Nasulsulan? Ronald is 41 years old. He’s a congressman. Nasulsulan? Dalawa lang ‘yan. Either he’s a drug user… or tanga.

Survey Says
Your take on the Comelec’s decision allowing Mikey Arroyo to sit as a member of Congress:
-Fair naman. Naaayon sa batas. 6%
-Lokohan na ‘to! Maling-mali ang desisyon na ‘yan! 87%
-Wala akong pakialam. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great week ahead. See you in Congress!

TOO BIG A PROBLEM?

PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO has met with his Cabinet twice to discuss his State of the Nation Address on Monday. Do you still remember his “walang wangwang, walang tong, walang counterflow” statement during his inaugural? Well, rumors say there will be similar declarations in his SONA, e.g. “Walang kaso (Trillanes), walang hinto (media killings), walang tubig.”

Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino will not use any gimmicks in his SONA, unlike former President Arroyo, who used three poor children to dramatize the problems of the country. Instead, Aquino’s SONA will be more optimistic. To underscore the importance of hardwork and loyalty, he’ll use the four Abads in government.

Unconfirmed reports say the president will deliver a 25-minute speech. The first half of the speech will be drafted by the pro-Binay faction of the Communications Group; the second half by the pro-LP/Hyatt 10 faction.

Another unconfirmed report says Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will skip Monday’s State of the Nation Address. She’s tired of listening to other people telling her about her life story.

Of course, Jose Maria Sison’s minions in the Extreme Left will be holding a protest rally on Monday. They are expected to burn effigies… of Etta Rosales.

Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino won’t have any gimmicks in his SONA. Actually, Noynoy initially considered using three poor children and a “bangkang papel.” May nakita na siyang tatlong bata; meron na ring bangka. Ang problema, walang tubiiiig!

What Crisis?
Location: Metro Manila. People fighting one another for a pail of water; angry mob busting water pipes; schools suspending classes, and establishments shutting down operations. All these and yet, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists there is no water crisis. So anong meron tayo? Leadership crisis?

Thousands of residents in the metro’s western zone have become desperate for water. They are now asking the Church to issue an Oratio Imperata Ad Petendam Pluviam or Obligatory Prayer to Request for Rain. If it fails, they’ll be asking President Aquino to party with the Malacañang Press Corps and sing two songs again.

Light Bites
(Warning: Corny. Read at your own risk.)
Q: Saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga mahihirap, mga api, at ang mga underprivileged?
A: Eh ‘di… sa Wawa Dam.

You know there’s a serious water crisis when…
… a member of the Abad family uses the toilet but you only hear the “flush sound” after the fourth member of the family is done with his/her thing;
… Chiz Escudero and Paquito Ochoa ask for water, and Korina Sanchez gives them poison, and,
… former president Gloria Arroyo gets thirsty, and she starts drinking from a ‘leak’ of her own (Eew!).

Brain Drain
PAGASA Deputy Administrator Nathaniel Servando reveals 24 of the top weather forecasters and engineers have left PAGASA in the past 6-10 years for higher-paying jobs abroad. Overseas, they get an equivalent of 150 to 200 thousand pesos per month, and other incentives. Here, they get around 20 to 37 thousand per month, and a president’s invective.

Flash Report!
Isang weather disturbance, palapit nang palapit!
Mga weather forecasters, palayo nang palayo!

Trillanes’ Request Junked
The Makati City RTC has junked the motion for temporary release filed by detained senator Antonio Trillanes so he could attend the inaugural session of the 15th Congress. The court’s decision was a huge setback for Trillanes, his supporters, and Francis Pangilinan.

Sharon’s Gripe
Actress Sharon Cuneta said she felt as if she was stabbed after her husband Francis Pangilinan’s bid for the Senate presidency was rejected by other senators including her uncle, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto. But Sotto was unfazed by Sharon’s gripe saying, “Even if she’s stabbed several times, I’m sure, hindi aabot sa kanyang laman ‘yon.”

Asked why he’s supporting Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Sotto explained, “Gusto ko happy siya!”
————————-
“A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.”
~ Ralph W. Sockman

Survey Says
What do you think of the four Abads in government?
- They are qualified. What’s your problem?!? 26%
- Weather-weather lang ‘yan. 69%
- Wala akong pakialam. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Nakikisimpatya at nakikiisa ako kina Mang Zosimo, ang pedicab driver at Aling Budang, ang maliit na tindera ng puto’t kutsinta sa palengke sa kanilang pagtutol sa plano ng pamahalaang Aquino na sila ay buwisan. Bago n’yo habulin ang mga Pinoy na kayod-kalabaw, habulin n’yo muna ang mga asal-halimaw katulad ng mga opisyal ng Makati City Hall na may utang na 1.2 billion pesos sa BIR. Kailan n’yo sila sisingilin, kapag presidente na si Binay, at senador na si Junjun, at alkalde na ang kanyang apo? Bakit natahimik ang kaso laban sa IMBOA president na si Claire De La Fuente na hindi nagbayad ng 417 million pesos na buwis? Napakaraming dapat habulin, ‘yung maliliit ang inyong iipitin? Ginagalit n’yo ko ah!

UNDER FIRE

PERSONAL: A former officemate has been jobless for months. She’s getting desperate. In the hope of landing a job in government, she’s planning to change her surname to Abad.

Four Posts
Lawmakers have criticized the recent appointment of the members of the Abad family in key government posts. Ex-congressman and former DepEd chief Florencio “Butch” Abad is the new budget secretary. His daughter Julia is the chief of the Presidential Management Staff or PMS while his son, Luis has been appointed chief of staff of Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima. Abad’s wife, Henedina is the representative of the lone district of Batanes and is the incoming vice chairman of the House appropriations committee. President Aquino may be single but his administration has its own First Family.

Security for SONA
At least 3,000 anti-riot policemen will be deployed when President Noynoy Aquino delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. You know what that means? Tiba-tiba na naman ang McDonald’s! Wohoo!

Pagcor & McDonald’s
Reports say a check amounting to 21.1 millions pesos was released last June 28 to reimburse former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino for food purchases at McDonald’s that were “donated” to the NCR Police Office. Again, that’s 21.1 million pesos worth of meals from McDo! And we still wonder why many cops are overweight?

Based on receipts issued by McDonald’s, former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino ordered food on eight separate days – January 15, March 11, April 5, April 14, May 4, May 12, May 13 and June 3. In another news dismissed by Genuino as irrelevant, supporters of his son Erwin who lost in the mayoral race in Makati City have reportedly launched a boycott against McDonald’s saying, “Sawang-sawa na kami sa McDo. Noong panahon ng kampanya wala nang pinakain sa ‘min kundi McDo!”

Light Bites
Q: Ano ang favorite commercial jingle ng mga pulis?
A: Pa-pa-ra-pa-pa… love ko tong!

Yusoph’s Son
A son of Comelec Commissioner Elias Yusoph who was kidnapped in Marawi City last month has been released. The Philippine National Police denied reports that ransom was paid to the kidnappers… although McDonald’s-Marawi confirmed that 2 million-peso worth of cheeseburgers were ordered by an unidentified group of armed men immediately after Yusoph’s release.

Congressman Mikey
Voting 4-2 with one abstention, the Commission on Elections en banc allowed Mikey Arroyo to sit as representative of “Ang Galing Pinoy” party-list, which claims to represent among others, security guards in Congress. To prove that he’s serious about his advocacy, Mikey reportedly vowed to work on graveyard shift.

The Commission on Elections has allowed former presidential son Mikey Arroyo to sit in Congress. Rumors say Mikey has already drafted his first bill: “An Act Penalizing the Violators of the ‘No ID, No Entry’ Policy.”

SC and Plagiarism
Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarizing from the Yale Law Journal and the Western Reserve Journal of International Law and a portion of a book by the Cambridge University Press. Del Castillo has denied the allegation but vows to pay for the act if proven otherwise… by donating cash to the basketball program of his alma mater, the Ateneo De Manila University.

Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarism, or as Manny V. Pangilinan would call it, “borrowing.”

Charice and Belo
News that Vicki Belo performed a cosmetic procedure on pop sensation Charice Pempengco became the 6th most discussed topic worldwide on Twitter.com Monday night. Belo felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. A few years back, a cosmetic surgery done on her own face was a hit on AwfulPlasticSurgery.Com.

A footage of Charice Pempengco getting Botox injection was featured on the Hollywood entertainment show The Daily 10. They showed Charice’ old and new face, and then they showed the face of her sponsor Vicki Belo, the living proof that the procedure can go horribly wrong.
—————–
“I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they’re good or there because they’re lucky.”
~Katharine Hepburn

Survey Says
Manolo Quezon, Ricky Carandang, Sonny Coloma, Jing Magsaysay, atbp. Ano ang basa mo sa pinaplantsang Presidential Communications Group?
- Okay ‘yan! Mas maraming nagtatrabaho, mas pabor sa gobyerno. 21.9%
- Naku, magiging magulo ‘yan! 37.5%
- Hintayin na lang natin.

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Who are the Abads?

Manila Standard Today: Ochoa hate mail gets Rated K

Newsbreak’s Inside Track: President Aquino upsets Japan and No to Lobbying

KRIS AQUINO’S SONA

Miriam Sues
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a P1.6-million damage suit against American Airlines for a delayed flight to Los Angeles two years ago during which she fell sick. American Airlines has issued a statement expressing shock at Santiago’s delayed reaction.

Too Late
Almost a month after CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva’s term ended, the Supreme Court ruled that he was not eligible for a House seat because he was over the age limit for a youth sector representative. In case you’re wondering what the acronym CIBAC stands for, it means Congressman Ineligible But Allotted CDF.

Former CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva, a son of evangelist and defeated presidential candidate Eddie Villanueva has been appointed director-general of the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority or TESDA. His appointment came as a bit of a surprise mainly because his father has yet to concede defeat to Noynoy.

Charge GMA
A survey conducted by the Makati-based StratPOLLS showed that 7 out of 10 Filipinos in Metro Manila wanted former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to be charged in court. Yup, 7 out of 10. The other three were Mikey, Dato, and Luli.

Preparing for SONA
President Aquino has started preparing for his first ever State of the Nation Address on July 26. In fact, this coming week he’ll be meeting with his cabinet members, speechwriters, and Paul Cabral.

Preparing for SONA II
The Philippine National Police has conducted a drill in preparation for President Aquino’s SONA next week. The cops were given instructions on how to provide security for special guests; how to handle militant protesters, and how to prevent a clash between Team Lacierda and Team Juana Change.

Kris to Miss Noy’s SONA
Currently vacationing in the US with her kids, Kris Aquino won’t be present when her Kuya Noy delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. However, she promises to show up on ‘The Buzz’ come August 1 to deliver her “State of My Marriage Address.”

Top 12 Things Kris Aquino Would (Not) Say In Her SONA If She Were President

No. 12: “To my ABS-CBN family, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory Vidanes, Tita Malou Santos, Ms. Mariole Alberto, Deo Endrinal, Linggit Tan, and of course, my ‘Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ pals Boy Abunda, Ian Reyno and everyone na nandito ngayon sa Batasan, I wouldn’t be standing here if not for your full support. Thank you so much. Promise, babalik ako. Soon! (Gallery shouts: We love you Kris!!!) Wow, pati pala talents ng Star Magic andito lahat, Mr. M, thank you very much. Wait, is that Ai-ai in yellow? I love you friendsheeeeeep!”

No. 11: “With finality I can say, ako, sumuko na. Officially, mula po bukas ang buong bansa ay wala nang First Gentleman.”

No. 10: “Bago po ako humarap sa inyong lahat ngayong hapon, kinunsulta ko po muna sina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Kuya Noy, and Viel.”

No. 9: “Financially, aaminin ko po, malaki ang budget deficit natin. Pero willing po akong idonate sa kaban ng bayan ang kikitain ko sa susunod kong tatlong commercials.”

No. 8: “Today, I formally declare my support for sex education and the Reproductive Health Bill. Kung may sex education po noong time na estudyante pa ako, former Parañaque City Mayor Joey Marquez would have not infected me with STD, at malamang, hindi po ganito ang estado ng aking married life ngayon.”

No. 7: “Mula nang ako ay maupong presidente, wala pong hinto ang batikos sa akin at sa aming angkan. Sige na ho, gamitin n’yo ko talaga kung gusto niyong sirain ang aming pamilya. Kung ako na lang ang kasiraan ng Aquino at Cojuangco clan, sige gamitin n’yo po ako. Pero pwede ko pong ipagmalaki, mabuti ang pamilya namin. Nagmamahalan po ang pamilya namin. At minamahal po namin ang bayan natin kaya po lahat ng ito pinagdadaanan namin.”

No. 6: “Ipinapangako ko pong magiging pantay ako sa pagpili ng National Artists unlike my predecessor. Kaya’t upang walang masaktan at walang inggitan, sige… sabay-sabay na lang sila. Congratulations to Paul Cabral, JC Buendia, and Randy Ortiz, our National Artists for Fashion! Good work girls!”

No. 5: “Last night, nakausap po namin ni Boy si Mr. Manny Pangilinan. (Hi MVP, I know you’re watching!) At bilang pagpapahalaga sa aming pagkakaibigan, pumayag po siyang ibaba ng Meralco ang singil sa kuryente! And not only that! For the next six months, unlimited po ang text ng Smart sa lahat ng networks! Simply amazing talaga! Grabeh! Pero ‘wag pong malungkot ang Globe subscribers! Kahapon, I had dinner with Mr. Jaime Zobel De Ayala and his wife Lizzie. JAZA told me na may unlimited calls promo ang Globe to all networks for three months! Promise! Sa mga Sun Cellular subscribers, give me until tomorrow. Kakausapin ko pa ‘yung tatay ng ahas sa Galleria. Just kidding! Hi Lance! Hi Robina! Love love tayo huh!”

No. 4: “Sa mga lugar sa malalayong probinsya na walang libreng medical care, walang libreng school supplies, walang libreng sine, walang birthday gift, at kung anu-ano pang perks and freebies, huwag kayong mag-alala, lahat ng ‘yan ay tutuparin ni Tito Jojo Binay… sa 2016. Konting tiyaga. Six years na lang.”

No. 3: “Sinusuportahan ko po ang sinimulang training ni Pangulong Arroyo sa mga supermaids na ipapadala sa ibang bansa. At upang matiyak na masipag, may takot, at marunong sumunod sa utos ang mga maids, itatalaga ko po bilang direktor ng itatatag na ‘Supermaid Skills Training Administration’ ang aking friend, si Korina Sanchez. Love you Ate Koring. Peace! Sorry Pareng Bong but your sister Princess was overqualified.”

No. 2: “I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect. But I’m not a liar at hindi po ako masamang tao. Gusto ko gano’n din ang mga senador at kongresista. Kaya’t bago ko irelease ang Countrywide Development Fund at Internal Revenue Allotment, gusto kong malaman kung saan n’yo ito gagamitin. At para matiyak na nagsasabi kayo ng totoo, you’ll have to undergo a lie detector test. Bestfriend Sweet, John Lapus, I need your help on this one. Kaya sa inyong lahat na nandito ngayon sa Batasan… ‘Don’t Lie To Me.’ Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, this is fun!”

And the No. 1 thing Kris Aquino would (not) say in her SONA if she were president…

“Nag-promise po ako kay Noy na ‘di na ko masyadong magsasalita pero since this is my SONA, I can say whatever I want. ‘Tsaka ‘di ba I told you before na I may be anything but I’m not a liar? So, ladies and gentlemen, narito po ang listahan ng mga magnanakaw sa aking administrasyon. This is in random order. Let’s start with the Department of…”

In Other News…
Organizations allied with the ‘Reaffirmist’ group of CPP-NPA Founder Jose Ma. Sison have expressed strong opposition to the appointment of known ‘Rejectionist’ and former Akbayan Representative Loretta Ann Rosales as chair of the Commission on Human Rights. In totally unrelated news, mathematicians discovered that a triangle has three sides.

Secretary Abad
Today, July 18, the Philippine Star published a story on Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad. Yup, the government has found a new budget secretary. The only thing missing now is the budget.

Am-boat sa Imo!
A boat carrying ABS-CBN reporter Niko Baua and GMA-7 reporter Emil Sumangil, and their respective crews capsized off the shoreline of Limay town in Bataan – the site of a reported oil spill Saturday morning. Rumors say the vessel lost its stability when the reporters fought as to which TV network was better. As the boat capsized, the argument continued with Baua shouting, “Naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundoooo!” and Sumangil yelling, “Ito ang serbisyong totoooooooo!”
———————–
“One must be frank to be relevant.”
~Corazon Aquino

Survey Says
Dapat bang sisihin ang PAGASA sa pagkabigla ng mga taga-Metro Manila kay “Basyang?”
-OO! Mali ang forecast! 48%
-HINDI. ‘Di naman sila perpekto! 44%
-Bagyo? Mahimbing ang tulog ko. 8%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe week ahead!

Today is July 17th
On this date in…

709 BC: The first ever total solar eclipse is recorded in China. In less than 24 hours, the Chinese are replicating pirated videos of the event.

1898: General Francis V. Greene’s second expeditionary forces arrive and land at Parañaque. But they would experience a hard time advancing because of the monstrous traffic jam in the Baclaran area.

1952: David Hasselhoff is born. From that day on, he wore only orange diapers.

1962: The US Senate rejects medicare for the aged… prompting them to immigrate to a place called Makati in the Philippines.

1979: Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza flees to Miami. He spends most of his idle time watching LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh practice.
—————-

The Who
Controversial personality Gadolinium Gallium was in the news recently. In an apparent effort to gather support for his shady business(es), he allegedly dropped the name of a former politician close to the powers that be. But that’s not the juicy part of our item. Gadolinium Gallium’s ‘business’ is reportedly tolerated by his significant other, high society’s Yttrium Oxygen. Who is Yttrium Oxygen? Check out the Philippine map. She’s there. And Gadolinium Gallium? Well, he’s got a love child with former bold actress Gold Cadmium. Kahit isugal n’yo pa ang isang buwang suweldo n’yo, I bet, ‘di n’yo mahuhulaan kung sino!

Have a safe weekend!

STORMS

HOURS AFTER a storm hit Metro Manila, President Noynoy Aquino stormed PAGASA.

President Aquino berated PAGASA officials Wednesday morning for their failure to accurately predict that typhoon “Basyang” would hit Metro Manila Tuesday night. Mr. Aquino was further incensed when one of the forecasters replied, “Sorry po Pangulong Arroyo.”

An upset President Aquino berated PAGASA officials early Wednesday morning. PAGASA administrator Prisco Nilo admitted, “’Yun ang ‘di namin na-predict!”

After getting dressed down by President Aquino, officials of the weather bureau promised to be more accurate in predicting the weather. PAGASA is now talking to the German government for the possible importation of 12 Doppler radars and Paul the Octopus.

Here’s a fact: The night typhoon “Basyang” inched toward Metro Manila, President Aquino was partying with the Malacañang Press Corps. The weather was actually fine when the dinner started… until Aquino sang two songs.

In Other News…
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez says she wants to personally speak to President Aquino to enumerate her accomplishments… to which Aquino said, “Nang-iinsulto ba siya?”

Binay’s New Post
After repeatedly saying he would no longer accept any government posts, Vice President Jejomar Binay has finally agreed to become the new “housing czar” – to which former Vice President Noli De Castro said, “Bakit ka magpapakipot pa, kung puwede namang magkapuwesto na?”

TYPHOONS
(To officially welcome the rainy season, I am reposting this article originally published in October 2009 two weeks after the onslaught of typhoon “Ondoy” and a month before the deadline for the filing of the COC for president. Enjoy!)

Typhoon Erap
Devastates the country for two hours and then leaves. Despite the entry of a new disturbance though, it threatens to re-enter the Philippine area of responsibility.

Typhoon Gloria
Continues to pummel the entire Philippines for nine hours now. Gustiness rivals that of Typhoon Marcos in the ‘70s. Initial damage to agriculture is estimated at P728 million. Damage to infrastructure is unknown but initial reports say reconstruction of Macapagal Boulevard alone has cost the government P536 million. It was also able to sustain its strength after interacting with Typhoon Erap. It is forecast to remain almost stationary.

Typhoon Mar
Threatened to enter Philippine territory but after seeing the vigilance of Filipinos, it was forced to back out and gave way to Typhoon Noynoy.

Typhoon Noynoy
Initially categorized as a tropical storm until weather specialists observed a sudden rise in its gustiness and wind speed. After being officially declared a typhoon, it now brings scattered rain showers in Luzon including Metro Manila. Moderate to strong winds are expected to blow toward the Visayas and Mindanao in the coming days. [By the way, beware of typhoon Noynoy's thunder - it wouldn't shut up!]

Typhoon Villar
Earlier forecast categorized it as a “super typhoon” maintaining strength in Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao. Roads and road extensions were damaged – twice (double devastation). But the entry of Typhoon Noynoy in Philippine territory has eclipsed its impact. The rest of the country will remain cloudy though.

Typhoon (Brother) Eddie:
A similarly-named typhoon entered the country in 2004 and threatened to pour 5 million centimeters of rainwater in the entire country. You know what happened. The typhoon was re-categorized as a drizzle.

Typhoon Bayani
This weather disturbance was located at 14° 38′ 24″ North Northwest of Marikina City. Weather experts refused to categorize it as a typhoon because its impact is localized. It did, however attempt to pack maximum sustained winds similar to a tropical storm. But latest satellite data revealed no sign of activity.

Typhoon Gibo
It was nowhere near the Philippine area of responsibility until three hours before PAGASA made its latest forecast. In fact, typhoon Bayani’s moderate winds were already blowing east of the metro before Gibo made its presence felt and officially entered Philippine territory. The weather bureau forecasts similarities in the movements of typhoon Gibo and typhoon Gloria although both Gibo and typhoon Noynoy originated approximately 10 miles east of Central Luzon.

Typhoon Jejomar
Described by weather specialists as “stubborn” and territorial,” this typhoon has recently threatened the whole country if not for some climatological developments. What’s alarming is that people to tend to ignore Typhoon Jejomar’s ability to destroy. It has remained stationary for 23 years (and counting).

Typhoon JDV
No heavy rains. No lightning. No flooding. It’s all thunder and wind.

Typhoon Loren & Typhoon Chiz
For the first time in local weather history, two typhoons entered the country at the same time making landfall on the same area. The impact is moderate though, without much damage, and both typhoons are expected to leave soon… unless either of them interact with typhoon Erap.

Typhoon Jamby
The hardest to predict among the weather disturbances. Scattered raindrops will not completely wet an exposed surface regardless of duration. But the public is advised to remain cautious of lightning. Despite the rains, temperatures will remain high.

Typhoon Ronnie (Puno)
No satellite or surface data was made available because… “Tahimik lamang magtrabaho ang Typhoon Ronnie kaya maraming nagagawa (na damage).”
———————-
“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship.”
~Aeschylus

Survey Says
On Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez:
- IMPEACH HER! Now na! 64%
- LEAVE her alone. Let her do her job. 25%
- Sorry… ‘di ko alam ang issue. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
- Philippine Star’s William Esposo: Why the (Extreme) Left remains politically insignificant

- Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros endorses the legalization of ‘jueteng’

- Congratulations to Coach Phil Jackson of the Los Angeles Lakers who took home the Best Coach trophy, and Kobe Bryant who was named Best NBA Player in the 2010 ESPY Awards. Btw, Yahoo!Sports reported, “LeBron James was booed when a montage of male athlete nominees was shown.” Ouch!

Enjoy your weekend!

CLIQUES

Noynoy and the Press
President Aquino hosted a dinner with members of the Malacañang Press Corps Tuesday night. As he walked with reporters toward the dining table, he promised them a friendlier, and more sociable administration… and then, he ordered Atty. Edwin Lacierda to just eat outside.

Noynoy and the Press II
Reports say President Aquino wants to work with a “friendly media” during his term as president… something that’s achievable considering that he worked with an even “friendlier media” during his presidential campaign.

Communications Team
RG Cruz of ABS-CBN News reported that there are two warring factions in the newly-formed communications team of President Noynoy Aquino. One group is identified with the pro-Binay camp, while the other is allied with the pro-Mar group… or, as Conrado De Quiros would probably say, good vs. evil.

Imelda and Noynoy
Ilocos Norte Representative and former First Lady Imelda Romualdez-Marcos reportedly kissed President Noynoy Aquino on the cheek during the birthday party of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Tuesday night. Shocked by Imelda’s gesture, Noynoy exclaimed, “Sa mga nang-api sa sambayanan, wala akong karapatan na limutin ang inyong mga kasalanan!”

During the 33rd birthday party of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, former First Lady Imelda Marcos approached President Aquino and kissed him on the cheek. Close aides of both Mrs. Marcos and President Aquino were surprised by the awkward moment… which became more awkward when guests started shouting, “More! More!”

Top 5 Things Overheard At the Birthday Party of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay

No. 5: “Sinabi nang oo eh!!! Ba’t ba ayaw mong maniwala? Anak niya ‘yong batang lalaki! Buti na lang ‘ka mo at nagmana sa namayapang nanay. Kung hindi, kawawang bata. Tutuksuhin sa iskul ‘yan.”

No. 4: “Hello? Hello Ate Ballsy? Choppy ka. Ate!! Hello! O ayan, malinaw na. Eh anong magagawa ko? Bigla na lang lumapit at hinalikan ako sa pisngi. Alangan namang iiwas ko ang mukha ko? Don’t worry, ‘di naman yata nakunan ng media eh.”

No. 3: “Salamat sa pagdating n’yo sa kaarawan ng aking anak! I look forward to seeing you all back here next year, and the succeeding 23 years. Thank you!”

No. 2: “‘Noy, ‘di na ba talaga magagawan ng paraan ‘yong DILG? Baka naman puwedeng term-sharing? Kay Jesse ang first three years, sa akin ang last three?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the birthday party of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay…

“Hindi!!!! Hindi maaari! Hayaan mo siyang maghintay sa kotse! Malinaw ang nasa imbitasyon mahal na pangulo. Ikaw lang ang imbitado, hindi ang iyong alter ego!

Trust Rating
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 88 percent of adult Filipinos trust President Noynoy Aquino. The other 12 percent are his ex-girlfriends.

Trust Rating II
According to the latest SWS survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay obtained a “very good” trust rating of 77 percent. The survey was conducted a week before Binay’s convoy beat the red light along Araneta Avenue.

Ruffa’s New Love?
Smartmatic president Cesar Flores and Ruffa Gutierrez are now an item! Unconfirmed reports say Flores gave Ruffa a PCOS machine on their first date. To prove that the gift was for real, Flores tried feeding a ballot into Ruffa’s PCOS machine. But Annabelle Rama arrived unannounced, and his ballot was rejected.

Ruffa’s New Love? II
Rumors say Smartmatic president Cesar Flores is reminded of Ruffa Gutierrez whenever he sees a PCOS machine. Asked why, he said, “madaling mag-init.”
——————————–
“Every clique is a refuge for incompetence. It fosters corruption and disloyalty, it begets cowardice, and consequently is a burden upon and a drawback to the progress of the country.”
~ Madame Chiang Kai-Shek

Survey Says
Maging patas kaya ang Malacañang sa paglalabas ng impormasyon sa media ngayong nasa gov’t media group na ang former ABSCBN reporter na si Ricky Carandang?
OO naman! Fair pa rin ‘yan. 25%
HINDI. Ang swerte ng ABS-CBN! 47%
Let’s see. 28%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Drinking spree in Malacañang

Personal
Before I started blogging, I ‘heckled’ political figures and celebrities by sending letters to broadsheet editors just like what the ‘legend’ in that field, Mr. Paul Mortel of Marikina City did. I won’t forget Mr. Mortel because he would almost always react to my own ‘letters to the editor’ by sending me personal mails. The letters were sent to our old office in Guadalupe, Makati City. Thus, it’s shocking and sad to hear about the guy’s untimely demise. May you rest in peace Mr Paul.

Adders
Pagtalakay sa mga usaping panlipunan at pulitika. Ito ang tatalo sa mga kasabay na telenovela. Dito, ang pananaw mo ang bida. SRO with Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla nightly after TV Patrol on dzMM.

Another show I try to catch whenever I’m home on Thursday night is Susan Enriquez’ SUS NAMAN! on QTV. Try n’yo rin!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

IGNORED

CONDOLENCES to Vice President Jejomar Binay. We’re terribly sorry for his loss. The DILG portfolio wasn’t just for him.

President Noynoy Aquino has officially announced the appointment of former Naga City Mayor Jesse Robredo as secretary of the Department of Interior and Local Government. Just so you know, the choice of Robredo for DILG was correctly predicted by Paul the octopus.

Top 10 Messages Left on Vice President Jejomar Binay’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hello Jojo and hi to your family! This is Mar. So ngayon, alam n’yo na ang feeling ng isang taong ‘di nakuha ang gusto? Ramdam ko kayo.”

No. 9: “Hi Jojo! si Koring ‘to. You know what I’m saying? Happy shalala It’s so nice to be happy shalalala Everybody should be happy shalala It’s so nice to be happy.”

No. 8: “Hi Mr. Vice President, Conrado De Quiros here. The Hyatt 10, the Firm, and the Liberal Party succeeded against you this time. The battle between good and evil continues. May Noynoy’s force be with you.”

No. 7: “Ginoong Pangalawang Pangulo, si Kabayan ‘to. Maiba nga pala ako. Balita ko rerentahan mo ang Coconut Palace. Bakit ka mangungupahan pa kung kaya namang magkabahay na!?”

No. 6: “Hi Jojo, Koring here again. ‘Tanong ko lang: ano nga bang title ng song na ‘to? And I don’t know how I know it / But I know it somehow/ You’re the answer to the questions/ No one’s answered till now.”

No. 5: “You know who I am, you sonofabitch! Kahit VP ka na, dalawang klase pa rin ang taong may kalyo. Ang isa ay manggagawa: nasa kamay ang kalyo. Ang ikalawa ay ikaw: ang kalyo ay nasa kunsensya! Basta si Mar Roxas, walang kalyo ang kunsensya.”

No. 4: “Inday, si Sir Jojo mo ‘to. Mamaya pa ‘ko uuwi. Kapag tumawag nga pala ‘yung mag-asawang taga-Cubao na sobrang bitter dahil natalo ko sila noong eleksyon, sabihin mo, they can go to hell. Hell ‘yun Inday, hindi hill. Ayusin mo ang pagsasalita para mas matindi, okay?”

No. 3: “Hi Manong! Chiz here. ‘Di man napunta sa ‘yo ang DILG, kakayanin pa rin natin ‘to. Basta sa 2016, Binay-Escudero!”

No. 2: “Hi Jojo, guess who! Hahaha! Taaama! Si Koring nga! Huwag kaligtaang panoorin ngayong Linggo, ang Rated K… with my special guest, ang hinahangaan, iginagalang, minamahal, tinitingala, walang ambisyong maging pangulo ng bansa, hindi nangungurakot, hindi gahaman sa kapangyarihan, at hindi kailanman nakasuhan ng pandarambong, ang bagong kalihim ng DILG Jesse Robredo! Rated K after Goin’ Bulilit. Handa na ba kayo?”

And the No. 1 message left on Vice President Jejomar Binay’s answering machine…

“Hello Jojo, Hi Mrs. Binay, ‘Musta Mayor Junjun… si Noynoy nga pala ‘to. Kayo ba ay nagtiis na sa trapiko para lamang masingitan ng isang naghahari-hariang de-wangwang sa kalsada? Kami rin.”

In Other News…

Former ABS-CBN reporter & ANC anchor Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang, and ANC host Manuel L. Quezon III are now officially part of the Aquino administration’s communications group. NBN 4, RPN 9 and IBC 13 are holding a party to welcome their newest sister station, ABS-CBN/ANC! Yehey!

ABS-CBN reporter and ANC anchor Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang (who resigned last Friday) will head the government’s communications group. To GMA News, isang malaking good luck!

In Sports…
NBA star LeBron James has abandoned his team, the Cleveland Cavaliers in favor of the Miami Heat saying he wanted to win. If LeBron were Filipino, he wouldn’t be in a basketball court; he’d be in politics.

Breaking News!
LeBron James has just announced he’s signing a contract with Spain… just to experience being a champion. Congratulations Spain for winning the 2010 FIFA World Cup. You may colonize us again (for a week). Wohoo!
——————–
“It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life.”
~Ben Stein

Survey Says
Dapat bang gawing state witness si former Agriculture Sec. Cito Lorenzo sa gagawing probe sa fertilizer fund scam?
Sure, why not? 43.5%
Hindi! Ano siya, sinuswerte? 47.4%
Wala akong alam sa isyu. 9.1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Congratulations and good luck Ricky Carandang on your new job. The Professional Heckler will try to be ‘nice’ – susubukan ko. Ha-ha! And please, keep tweeting!

The Who: Rated PG
One time, newsperson Kenya Romania went out on a gimmick with friends in a Manila district frequented by men who usually describe themselves as “bi” or “straight-acting.” There, he met another guy who was also “looking for some fun.” And so they decided to spend the night together. The next day, the guy was heard “complaining’ to a friend saying he got “really hurt” the night before because newsperson Kenya Romania was “extraordinary.” Unknown to the guy, newsperson Kenya Romania has always been the topic of ‘not-so-straight’ conversations in and out of the newsroom for being the network’s William Hung. Others even refer to him as “Totoy Mola.” As one of his colleagues once said, “Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and Kenya Romania. Tandaan mo ang sinabi ko!”

Have a safe week ahead!

LAWBREAKERS

YOU HEARD President Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech, right? He wanted the new government to lead by example; precisely the reason why he encouraged people in power to shun the wangwang. He wanted them to strictly follow traffic rules and regulations: No one should offer and accept tong or ‘lagay.’ No one should counterflow. And to prevent accidents, no one should beat the red light. Unless of course, you’re the vice president.

Caught on Tape
Last Monday, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy was caught by a GMA 7 television crew beating the red light and ignoring a “no left turn” sign at about 11:30 a.m. along Araneta Avenue in Quezon City. Binay has reportedly reprimanded the “concerned personnel” – for their failure to monitor the presence of the TV crew.

As GMA News reported, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy didn’t just beat the red light but actually ignored a “no left turn” sign along Araneta Avenue last Monday. According to Binay, he was in a hurry for a meeting that day, he totally forgot that he was not in Makati.

Binay’s Request
Vice President Jejomar Binay wants to have his own official office and residence like the president. Asked why, Binay said, “Alangan namang mag-uwian ako sa bahay namin for the next 24 years. Heller!?!”

Cito’s Back
Former Agriculture Secretary Luis ‘Cito’ Lorenzo Jr. is back! He told ABS-CBN’s Lynda Jumilla he’s now willing to testify in the P728-million fertilizer scam probe. In fact, President Noynoy Aquino himself said that Lorenzo could serve as a state witness. Why not? He knows a lot about the issue; he seems to be the least guilty, and his brother donated P20 million to Noynoy’s presidential campaign.

In Sports…
At a news conference held after the recently concluded J.P. McManus Invitational Pro-Am in Ireland, Tiger Woods turned curt and dismissive, and declined to answer questions about his private life. Woods also expressed his thoughts on what he described was a ‘double standard.’ Baffled members of the media asked, what do you mean ‘double standard?’ Woods answered, “In the US, you cheat on your wife, you get crucified. In the Philippines, you cheat on the golf course, you get the Bureau of Customs.”

Alvarez Is In
The new commissioner of the Bureau of Customs – Air21 president and former SGV senior auditor Angelito ‘Lito’ Alvarez is in the news these days. According to Inquirer and dzRH sources, the posh Alabang Golf and Country Club imposed a six-month suspension on Alvarez for cheating during a golf tournament in February. But Malacañang’s search committee believes Alvarez is the best guy to take on the bad eggs at the Bureau of Customs. You know, galit ang mandaraya sa kapwa mandaraya.

The Late Mrs. Arroyo
Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo arrived three hours late in today’s orientation of neophyte congressmen at the House of Representatives. Mrs. Arroyo got up late because she wasn’t able to sleep well last night: she had a terrible headache, had an upset stomach, and saw Cito Lorenzo in the news.

Belmonte and Pork Barrel
Liberal Party’s bet for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano Belmonte is against the proposal of some of his party mates to slash pork barrel allocations to P40 million from P70 million per congressmen. Incoming House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman described the proposed cut as “flawed, cosmetic, and counterproductive” while Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez said it’s “discriminatory.” In short, “anti-congressman.” Punyeta kayong lahat!

Red Mass
President Noynoy Aquino arrived late in yesterday’s Red Mass at the Manila Cathedral. In contrast, Vice President Jejomar Binay arrived so much ahead of everyone… which was not surprising considering how good his driver was in beating the red light.
———————————-
“An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation.”
~Thomas Dewar

The Who
In the NBA, there’s John Amaechi. In the PBA, well, there’s the already-retired Apricot Banana Watermelon who was outed by his ex-wife. Both were professional cagers. Now, what if the head coach is homosexual? Would it be a big deal? Definitely not for the players of this collegiate team that is being mentored by a gay coach. As one team member asserted, “As long as he does not spend time with us in the locker room, walang problema.” Who’s the gay coach? Think John Donne and Ma. Isabel Lopez. Marami rin n’yan sa Pangasinan! And the college team? ‘Wag na. Basta ‘pag nahulaan mo, ituturing kitang isang bayani at tatanggap ka pa ng maagang Christmas gift!

Survey Says
Your take on Mae “Juana Change” Paner’s recent rants:
Nasa katwiran siya! Kaisa mo kami! 37%
Sus! Tama si Lacierda, inggit lang siya! 16%
Wala akong alam sa isyu! 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today: The country’s richest

Overseas: CNN fires news anchor because of a Twitter post

FIGHTS

PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his Cabinet will undergo a seminar on how to properly deal with the media. The seminar is not mandatory for all Cabinet members… except for Edwin Lacierda and Bro. Armin Luistro.

Reports say members of the Aquino cabinet will attend a seminar on how to properly deal with the members of the press. You know, how to charm them, get their attention, sustain their interest, and make them believe all the things you say. The seminar will be conducted by Kris Aquino.

President Aquino announced that members of his Cabinet would undergo a seminar on media relations. Again, fine-tuning.

No TRO
A Quezon City court has junked the request for a TRO filed by a CBCP consultant against the pilot testing of DepEd’s sex education program… to which Bro. Armin Luistro allegedly said, “’Kita n’yo na? Walang naitutulong ang media!”

Shooting President
On his fifth day as president, Noynoy Aquino took time off and did some target practice at Langkaya, Antipolo with Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. The younger Binay said he actually sent the invitation to Aquino two weeks ago… but it was only last Sunday that Mar Roxas was persuaded to let Noynoy go.

President Aquino went target shooting Sunday. Members of the PSG said he was unusually sharp that day. In fact, he only missed 1 of the 10 James Yap photos used as targets.

Photo of the Weak

“Anak, inililipat ko na sa ‘yo ang pamamahala sa minamahal nating lungsod ng Makati. Para sa ‘yo talaga ‘to dahil nasa grade school ka pa lang, isinumpa ko na sa aking sarili na hinding-hindi ko bibitiwan ang puwestong ito hangga’t ‘di ka sumasapit sa tamang edad ng pamumuno. Bata pa ang iyong anak na lalaki. Matagal-tagal pa ang iyong bubunuin. Konting tiyaga. Nakaya ko ang 24 years, makakaya mo ang 25. Mabuhay ka!”

Just So You Know…
There’s a reported Facebook war between Noynoy Aquino volunteer Mae Paner a.k.a. “Juana Change” and presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda. Interviewed on ANC, Paner revealed that Lacierda described her as “naiinggit” for criticizing the appointment of the Abads (whom she labeled as “recycled”) in government. The palace spokesman insists he’s just protecting Butch Abad and his family who are his close friends. The situation just got worse when Paner called up Lacierda to settle their differences. Instead of saying “Hello?” the palace spokesman said, “Oink?”

Tight Race
Reports say Senators Francis Pangilinan and Manny Villar are in a fierce battle for the presidency of the Senate. The only fiercer battle is between Juana Change and Edwin Lacierda.

Boat Capsizes
A motorboat carrying six members of the religious sect ‘Ang Dating Daan’ capsized Sunday enroute to Aroroy port after leaving Barangay Talib in Aroroy, Masbate. Probers are checking on reports that the boatman was a member of the Iglesia ni Cristo.

Overseas
US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has criticized Russia for occupying parts of Georgia… which is really ironic coming from a high-ranking official of a country that occupies the rest of the world.
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“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
~Sun Tzu

The Who!
Another couple heads for splitsville! Mauritius Australia knew her affair with local politico Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia was doomed from the start. “There was a lot of fighting,” a source said. And whether she admits it or not, Mauritius Australia’s a battered “kabit.” She almost called it quits a couple of years back if not for her pregnancy. This time though, she’s determined to leave local politico. The straw that broke the camel’s back? Mauritius Australia learned that Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has another woman, Greece Jamaica, a former flame of diminutive Mr. Romania. People wonder: why can’t Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia’s more famous father or brother discipline him? One of his constituents put it, “Isang himala kapag napagbago ng asal ‘yang si Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia. Pero kung magagawa ‘yan ng kanyang ama at kapatid, ako ang unang-unang sisigaw ng Hallelujah!”
(Updated July 9: Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has granted ‘freedom” to Mauritius Australia. Nakahinga na ng maluwag ang kinawawang babae. Good for her.)

The Who, Too
If looks could kill, Yemen would be dead by now. And Germany would confess to the murder. Germany is so mad at Yemen for being a blabbermouth. It was Yemen who, without consulting Germany first, announced to the world that Germany’s romance with Malaysia was over. Germany didn’t want the public to know about it, and was actually successful in keeping the separation a secret from the tabloid press, until Yemen, yes, the rumormonger, made it public. Tsismosa!

The Who III
Will ex-politico, Kangaroo say “yes” to network bigwig, Parrot who offered him to anchor the network’s early evening newscast for a whopping P10M/month plus other perks? A very reliable source says Kangaroo still has a week left to decide. But will owners of his former network allow that? Everyone in his ‘original home’ with the exception perhaps of high-ranking Rabbit, is reportedly excited to see him back. Ano ang kanyang pipiliin? Abangan!

Survey Says
Who should be the Senate president?
Sen. Francis Pangilinan 40%
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. 15%
Wala sa kanila. 45%

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Wohoo!
Congratulations to Francisco Bustamante of the Philippines for winning the 2010 World 9-Ball Pool Championships in Doha, Qatar earlier today (Manila time)! Great job Django!

Enjoy the rest of the week y’all!

REPAIRS

UNDENIABLY, the most talked about subject of conversations during the past week was the new president, Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III. In close second was the ‘wang-wang.’

The schedule of Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III on his first three days as president was really hectic. He swore into office 200 local executives, convened his cabinet for their first meeting, hosted a reception for foreign dignitaries, got stuck in heavy metro traffic, and performed two numbers in a variety show.

Arguably, the third most popular subject of the past week was the James Yap-Kris Aquino separation. Last Thursday, the basketball star released a statement saying he’ll do everything to fix his marriage, or as palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda would call it, “fine tuning.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda couldn’t say whether President Noynoy Aquino took a rest or not on his first weekend in office. Lacierda said he didn’t know Aquino’s weekend schedule. He doesn’t seem to know anything at this moment. In fact, Lacierda’s not even sure if he’s still Aquino’s spokesman.

Memo Circular No. 1
This is embarrassing. Released on President Aquino’s first day in office, Memorandum Circular No. 1 declaring all positions of non-career executive service officials (Non-Ceso) vacant was withdrawn and reissued. I just hope they’d be successful this time because that’s exactly the same thing the Liberal Party did to Mar Roxas’ candidacy.

Mar’s Protest
Former senator Mar Roxas announced he would file an electoral protest against Vice President Jejomar Binay. Roxas loyalists believe the electoral protest will prove that he won the vice presidency and that he’s got lots and lots of spare money.

The Senate Presidency
Liberal Party’s Francis Pangilinan is confident of winning the senate presidency. He claims he has the support of Franklin Drilon, Ralph Recto, Francis Joseph Escudero, Vicente Sotto III, Teofisto Guingona III, Sergio Osmeña III, Antonio Trillanes III, Jinggoy Estrada, Juan Ponce Enrile, and Kris Aquino.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sen. Manny Villar are on a collision course over the Senate presidency. Despite the backing of at least nine senators though, Pangilinan is not taking Villar lightly. As a matter of fact, Pangilinan regards Villar as the fiercest fighter he’d seen… after Sharon Cuneta.

Villar’s Bid
Reports say Sen. Manny Villar is determined to reclaim the presidency of the Senate. Aimed at helping Villar realize his dream, a rabid supporter is planning to release Sen. Francis Pangilinan’s alleged psychological and psychiatric evaluation reports next week.

Sen. Manny Villar is keen on winning the Senate presidency. In fact, Nanay Curing has been advised to prepare for a press conference.

Kris & James: A Postscript
James Yap has spoken. Addressing his wife Kris, the basketball star said, “Sa tulong ng Diyos, alam kong malalampasan natin ang pagsubok na ito!” to which God said, “Nandamay na naman!”
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“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

The Who?
Gold and Silver have called it quits. And Gold has been having sleepless nights these days. A source said, “Natatakot siyang mawalan ng trabaho. Magkasama kasi sila ni Silver sa isang programa.” History shows that everyone who got involved with Silver were either compelled to resign or terminated. The list includes Krypton, Cobalt, Calcium, and Copper. Unfortunately, the relationship is beyond repair.

Personal
Again, I hate it! PNoy, P-Noy, P’Noy or P.Noy, whatever! Tigilan na ang mga pautot na ‘yan. He’s got a name. Use it.

Survey Says
Your take on the soon-to-be officially established ‘Truth Commission:’
BILIB ako diyan. Sige, habulin si Gloria! 46%
I DOUBT kung may magagawa ‘yan. 43%
No comment. 11%

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Elsewhere…
Newsbreak: Lani Mercado’s pet bill

Newsbreak: Justices, dinner, and the Palawan cases

Have a productive week ahead!

THE INAUGURAL

Highlights
Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III is now the 15th president of the Republic of the Philippines. God saved the Philippines from Joseph Estrada!

During his inaugural address, President Noynoy Aquino asked “Kayo ba ay minsan ring nalimutan ng pamahalaang inyong iniluklok sa puwesto? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nagtiis na sa trapiko para lamang masingitan ng isang naghahari-hariang de-wangwang sa kalsada? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay sawang-sawa na sa pamahalaang sa halip na magsilbi sa taumbayan ay kailangan pa nila itong pagpasensiyahan at tiisin? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nakaligo na sa dagat ng basura? Kayo ba ay namatayan na ng kapatid dahil walang pampagamot? Ay, teka lang. Sensya na, mali ho yatang speech ang nabasa ko.”

In his inaugural speech, President Aquino said, “To those who are talking about reconciliation… we have this to say: there can be no reconciliation without justice.” Suddenly, his newly-separated sister Kris Aquino rose from her seat and shouted, “Kerrrrek!”

President Noynoy Aquino in his speech promised to eradicate ‘kotong’ – totally surprising the 3,000 cops that were deployed to secure his inauguration who thought he was their ally.

Speaking before half a million Filipinos, President Benigno Simeon Aquino III said, “Walang lamangan, walang padrino at walang pagnanakaw.” In straightforward terms, Ramos, Estrada, and Arroyo.

During his inaugural address, President Aquino said, “Sa paglimot ng pagkakasala, sinisigurado mong mauulit muli ang mga pagkakasalang ito.” And then Kris Aquino stood yet again and yelled, “May tama ka!”

The new president added, “Kayo ang boss ko, kaya’t hindi maaaring hindi ako makinig sa mga utos ninyo,” to which Vice President Jejomar Binay said, “Promise?”

Jejomar Cabauatan Binay also took his oath as the country’s vice president Wednesday. Analysts noted though that President-elect Noynoy Aquino and outgoing President Arroyo arrived at the Quirino Grandstand ahead of him calling it a “breach of protocol.” But for Binay loyalists, it’s a “come from behind.”

President Noynoy Aquino also said, “Sa mga nang-api sa akin, kaya ko kayong patawarin, at pinapatawad ko na kayo.” Finally, a sigh of relief for the black propaganda team of the Nacionalista Party.

President Aquino opened his speech by acknowledging East Timor President Jose Ramos Horta, former president Fidel Ramos, the Senate President and the House Speaker… prompting actress Susan Roces to note that “Chief Justice Renato Corona was snubbed… not once but twice!”

President Aquino’s 23-minute inaugural speech was praised for being clear, straight to the point, sincere, pragmatic and most importantly, for not borrowing a single line from the speeches of Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Conan O’Brien and JK Rowling.

Light Bites
Obama: “Yes, we can!”
Noynoy: “No, wang-wang!”

Sidelights
From Times Street, incoming President Noynoy Aquino picked up outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at Malacañang Palace. Noynoy felt really awkward… mainly because he’s not used to picking up women in broad daylight.

When Noynoy Aquino finally met Mrs. Arroyo face to face at the palace, he was tongue-tied and didn’t know what to say. After a brief moment of awkward silence, Noynoy finally blurted out, “Who are you wearing?”

Police say the crowd at the Quirino Grandstand peaked at 600,000 during the actual oath taking of President Noynoy Aquino at noon Wednesday. In fact, Noynoy was so overwhelmed by the huge crowd, he ended his speech by shouting, “Amen! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!”

During the inaugural, Noynoy Aquino was the top trending topic on Twitter. Not to be outdone, Jejomar Binay was the No. 1 topic… in the Roxas household.

Former senator and defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas was a no-show at Noynoy Aquino’s inauguration. It was understandable though because Roxas had to attend the burial… of his presidential ambitions.

In the evening, President Aquino went to the street party at the Quezon Memorial Circle where he sang Freddie Aguilar’s ‘90s hit Estudyante Blues. The first line of the song goes, “Si Ramos ang nakikita, Si Erap ang nasisisi, si Gloria ang laging may kasalanan!”

International singing sensation Charice Pempengco sang the Philippine National Anthem at President Aquino’s inauguration. Before the hosts called on Charice to sing, people at the Quirino Grandstand were visibly nervous… because Christian Bautista was also there.

Praises were heaped on Charice Pempengco for singing the national anthem correctly… to the chagrin of National Historical Institute** officials who were hoping to be interviewed on camera again had Charice bungled it.
**NHI was recently renamed National Historical Commission of the Philippines.

Regine Velasquez sang the melodramatic campaign song “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa,” the song used in Noynoy Aquino’s first music video that featured an all-star cast. Everyone in that video was present at the inaugural… except for James Yap.

The University of the Philippines-based Philippine Madrigal Singers and DLSU’s Kundirana also performed at the inaugural… eliciting a howl from the Ateneo community who accused the organizers of bias for not inviting the Ateneo Glee Club.

Did you see Jim Paredes’ co-host during the inauguration? FYI: That’s the very talented Mae Paner a.k.a. Juana Change, not Sharon Cuneta. ‘Sinlaki pero ‘di ‘sing mahal.

Reports say Sharon Cuneta wore a ‘recycled’ Fanny Serrano gown because there wasn’t enough time to finish a new gown. These days, a Sharon Cuneta gown requires at least three months to finish.

Another performer, Gary Valenciano was ecstatic. He quipped that “all sorts of Ks are here today: Kapamilya, Kapuso, Kapatid, Kabayan, Kaibigan and Kundirana.” And then from afar, he saw Mrs. Arroyo, a kawatan.

In Other News…
Immediately after turning over the presidency to Noynoy Aquino, Mrs. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo hurriedly left for Pampanga. She had to rush to Lubao to personally pick the winning numbers in the special Inauguration Day jueteng draw.

Noli De Castro’s term is over. Kabayan said he has served his country well and added that he’s not afraid to face the Truth Commission (if requested) since he had nothing to hide and he didn’t hide anything – except for one thing – he didn’t tell us that he was the country’s vice president for six years.

Photo of the Weak

GMA: “Shobra ka naman Preshident-elect. ‘Di pa nga ‘ko nakakaalish ng palashyo, may Truth Commisshion ka na agad. Can we discussh it firssht over dinner? Pleassshe?”
Noynoy: “Manong driver, may lighter ho kayo. Nakaka-tense dito. Yosi muna ako.”
———————————
“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Survey Says
Gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina First Sister Kris Aquino at First Brother-in-Law James Yap?
YES! For the sake of their kid. 12.4%
No! Bakit pa? 25.4%
Hmpf! Pakialam ko! 62.2%

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Personal
Mabuhay ang bagong pangulo at bagong pangalawang pangulo ng bansa!
Padayon!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!