THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY

17 06 2010


THE ARROYOS have reportedly left Malacañang. In fact, according to reports, the First Family has been cleaning out their closets in the palace for more than two months now. And they’d probably need another month or two to finish… considering the huge number of skeletons they keep in there.

The Arroyo family has reportedly left Malacañang last Sunday. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “We are happy to leave Malacañang,” to which Malacañang replied, “The feeling is mutual.”


Top 12 Messages Left on the Arroyos’ Answering Machine in Malacañang

No. 12: “Hello ma’am? Si Garci po ito ma’am. Hihiram po sana ako ng konting halaga bago kayo bumaba sa puwesto. Matumal ang kita noong eleksyon eh. Alam n’yo na, automated.”

No. 11: “Eow powhzzzz! PAn6UL0n6 ÅrrÕyØ. mÃrÅm1nG $ÅLÅmÅ+ ph0w Å+ g1nÅwÅ n1ny0nG h0L1DÅy Ång jUnE 3Ø. mÅk~k~+ambÅy nà ÑÅmÅn kÅmi $a MaLL! +HÅnk U’ pfoWh üL3+. Lolz!”

No. 10: “Sir, Ma’am… si Udong Mahusay po ito. ‘Paalala ko lang po ang lifetime allowance na ‘pinangako n’yo sa kin ni Sir Mike Defensor noong 2003. Bigla po niyang inihinto after ng eleksyon eh.”

No. 9: “Dad, Mom… Luli here. Whatever happens, always remember that you’re the best parents in the world. Lalo na ikaw Dad. I love you mom, love you dad. Wait lang, hold on… ‘Mang Gusting, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa inyo na ayaw na ayaw kong nali-late ang driver!? Usted está despedido! Humanap na lang kayo ng ibang amo! Ora mismo!’”

No. 8: “Hellowww… mga maids? ‘Musta na kayo mga friendship? Todo na ‘to! As in todo na to the highest level! Wala ba jan si Sir Mikey n’yo? Grabe huh! ‘Di na naman niya ako sinipot sa Lubao kagabi. Ang linaw-linaw ng usapan! Heller! Nag-cancel nga ako ng taping para sa kanya ‘tapos mang-iindyan lang pala??? Okay lang siya?? Pakisabi mag-return call siya, okay? Kailangan ko ng pang-shopping! Pasensya na! Go go go!”

No. 7: “Ni hao! Mike, alam ko d’yan ka pa palasyo. Si Mrs. Toh. ‘Wag ka bobo! Hindi ako Gloria. Si Mrs. Toh! Ikaw ‘wag na tago sa akyen. Matagal na kita hanap. Wala pa closure atyen breakup. Ikaw tawag akyen agad. Wo xiangnian ni.”

No. 6: “Hi ma’am. This is your favorite student in Ateneo, Joey Salceda. My unsolicited advice is for you to accept the harsh reality: Life’s a bitch. And so are you. Charing! Just kidding. Babush!”

No. 5: “Hi ma’am. This is Chiz Escudero, inaanak n’yo sa kasal. Sa inyong paglisan, nais ko lang ipaalala, at sana’y inyong tatandaan: ang masamang hangarin, kailanman ay hindi magtatagumpay. Ang pag-unlad ng bansa ay hindi nasusukat sa dami ng naipagawang tulay o naipatayong gusali kundi sa kaledad ng buhay ng bawat Pilipinong malinaw na binigo ng inyong administrasyon. Marami pa rin ang kumakalam ang sikmura. Marami pa rin ang walang hanapbuhay. Marami pa rin ang nakatira sa ilalim ng mga tulay at mababahong estero. Marami pa rin ang tila sabik sa pagbabagong dapat sana ay… (Beep!) [You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again.]

No. 4: “Hello! Si Mar ulit ‘to. This is my fourth call and you still refuse to answer! C’mon hon, let’s be sport, okay? Whether you like it or not, we will attend Noynoy’s inauguration together. Hon? Talk to me. Are you ther… Put*ng-i*aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mali ang nai-dial ko!”

No. 3: “Hilluw? Is this the palas pown? Sa palasyu ba ‘tung numirung itu? Ah basta, itu lang ang miseyds ku. Unang-una, pasalamat aku sa Panginuun sa mga blissings sa kin. Pangalawa, pasalamat aku sa ating prisidinti sa walang-sawang pag-supurta sa mga laban ku. Kahit papanu, mami-miss ko kayu mahal na pangulu at Pirst Jintilman Husi Migil Arruyu. Hanggang ditu na lamang pu ang aking minsahi at aaminin ku pu sa inyu… ‘di pa rin pu aku makapaniwala na aku at ikaw, mahal na pangulu ay magka-livil na ngayun sa Kungrisu! You know…”

No. 2: “Hello Mrs. President. Paalis ka pa lang, pabalik na kami! C’est la vie! Kami nga pala ang mga miyembro ng Hyatt 10 at The Firm. Ang saya-saya ulit, noh?”

And the No.1 message left on the Arroyos’ answering machine in Malacañang…

“Hello… Inday? Shi ma’am mo ito. Pumashok ka nga sha dati kong kuwarto at paki-check kung do’n ko naiwan ang shilicone para sha aking kaliwang shuso. Thankxssh!”

FG’s Book
Last Tuesday, outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched his book titled “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. Go get a copy now. When you enter Powerbooks, it’s located near the section with a big sign that says, “People who bought this book also bought Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

Outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched a coffee table book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. The book has 10 chapters. One chapter was devoted to Mr. Arroyo’s answers to allegations of graft and corruption; the rest were devoted to the allegations of graft and corruption.

Mike Arroyo launched a book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. But I heard it’s selling poorly. The publisher attributes the poor sales to the opening line of the book. It says, “Back off.”
—————————-
“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”
~Ian Percy

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang italagang kalihim ng Department of Interior and Local Government si Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay?
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Hmmm, ewan. 7.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

The Who
TV show recently asked Aspen Oak: Are you ready to entertain suitors now? Aspen Oak’s answer was a categorical “No.” Unknown to the public though, Aspen Oak has been in a steady relationship with Sunflower Zinnia. The not-so-surprising twist? They’re both women – and moms. Aspen Oak used to be “friends” with has-been actress, Aster Anthurium. Sino sila? Itanong n’yo na lang sa halimaw sa banga!

Personal
Because we’re in it to win it.
Because we never doubted our team.
Because we, the loyal Los Angeles Lakers fans will always…
.

Go Lakers!

Elsewhere…
Did PDI columnist Belinda Olivarezs-Cunanan resign or was she fired?

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50 responses

17 06 2010
BUSTonCeLINTIKS

Sunflower Zinnia = Zsazsa Saturnah?

lol.

GO LAKERS!!!!

17 06 2010
rajon rondo

goodluck tomorrow the future ex-champions jejeje :D

17 06 2010
etchosera

Ay Bungga! Rayut talaga ang miseyds ng dyunakis ni Aling Dionesia!

We to gu, Congrisman Pakman!

Bwahahahaha!

17 06 2010
carmine

Aspen Oak – Lorna Tolentino (last letters)
Aster Anthurium – Amy Austria (first letters)
Sunflower Zinnia – don’t know

Long ago, there have been rumors that Lorna Tolentino and Maila Gumila are going out. If PH is referring to Maila Gumila, why Sunflower Zinnia?

17 06 2010
Joey in Dubai

Hilarious!!! Ang galeng ng message ni Chiiiiiiiizzzzzzzz!!!

17 06 2010
e_bc

Aspen Oak – drama actress who used to host a showbiz talk show on the kapuso network?
Sunflower Zinnia – daughter of a mestiza veteran actress?
Aster Anthurium – drama actress/semi-active in showbiz, used to be with a drama actor who died in an accident?

17 06 2010
rian

ala PH, napakahirap ng iyong The Who. clues pa please!

17 06 2010
paul pierce

can you handle “the truth”?

17 06 2010
Matteo

laughtrip on shusho ni Madam na naiwan sa Palashyo.

17 06 2010
Worried Pinoy

Bukas, may uuwing luhaan! Go Lakers!

17 06 2010
john

PH i voted Celtics on your survey… :D

17 06 2010
mbw

grabe naman yang mga messages, PH!!! muntik na akong maihi!

17 06 2010
phreddox

PH, the Jejenese is improving. Keep it up.
Mas dadami aapply sayo na katext-mate jejeje

17 06 2010
checkmate

nyahaha kulet ng life’s a bitch ^^

17 06 2010
Anonymous

Bless your heart for being always brilliant!!!

17 06 2010
timpaul

Sori, prof, halatang mahilig sa underdog ang pinoy. Your visitors are no exemption.

17 06 2010
MPRivera

timpaul,

Ay hindi ga’t kadami namang Pinoy na mahilig sa asocena?

Ala’y taka pa, eh.

Basta wala la’ang rabis.

Ayaw na namin ng baboy. Ikaw, gusto mo pa?

17 06 2010
Tweets that mention THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY « The Professional Heckler -- Topsy.com

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Leo Lastimosa, btfulstrangr. btfulstrangr said: WHAA? Actress RMQ is presidential-son's mistress?! @ message # 8 RT @heckler8 THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY. Updated: http://bit.ly/c7Gtej [...]

17 06 2010
jake

Aspen Oak= Lorna Tolentino? how so? though the “moms” on the movie “Halimaw sa Bangga” were Lotlot and Matet and Nora? maybe Aspen Oak is Nora. and some Sunflower Z. sino kaya to…this one is hard PH… it’s interesting how many female celebraties gone playing the other team (rumours told that Nora was/is involve with a lesbian woman, and so is Maricel Soriano). Would be nice if the male guys will go the other team too heheehhe

18 06 2010
etchosera

Yung tungkol kay Maricel Soriano eh di na naman rumors yun kasi really out in the open na.

17 06 2010
Caturay

Winner ang shuso!

Sana naman yung maghahazard ng guess (hazard daw o!) dun sa blind item e wag na gumawa ng sariling blind item. Ibulgar na agad, para sa aming mga shlow!

17 06 2010
maliititik_O

itanong sa halimaw sa banga, e di si maritess gutierrez yun who was rumored to be ate guy’s syota way back when. ibig bang sabihin yung has been actress si ate guy?

by the way Lakers fans believe. When they play other teams. if it is against boston, you hope and pray. aminin mo na PH!

17 06 2010
maliititik_O

Let’s go Celtics!
Let’s go Celtics!

17 06 2010
maliititik_O

e sino ngay-on si sunflower zinia, ay ina narigat met. marites is a mom, could she be the one?

18 06 2010
WILMA SANTOS

Boston will win tonight by at least 5, courtesy of R. Allen and Pierce! Kobe will self-destruct in the last two minutes, missing all four 3-pts. attempts. Not so close game but worthy of a championship match. Congrats Celtics. Try again next year Lakers.

18 06 2010
etchosera

Ayyyyyy! Dahil sa iyong mali maling report……YOU’RE FIRED!

Teka nga, makapag-lipstick nga ulet ng yellow at purple! Wahahahahaha!

18 06 2010
senior60

ang pinaka recent kasi na natanong if she is ready to entertain
suitors now, was lorna, but, the very surprising twist is, she is into
a steady relationship with maritess? hindi ko talaga sukat akalain,
baka pinagluluto sya ng masasarap ni maritess who is a chef if
am not mistaken…

ilang oras na lang at, dalawa lang naman yan, may matutuwa at
may luluha….

go lakers go!!!!! for the big win….

18 06 2010
senior60

uuuyyyy mga ka blogs, mag cr kayo kung kinakailangan ha
mahirap na, magastos magka kidney trouble…..

go lakers go!!!!! for the big win….

score as of typing time, 38-34

18 06 2010
religiousboy

Para sa mga matatalo mamaya sa pustahan, mag-aliw na lang. Je-je-je:

Gloria Arroyo, George Bush and Hu Jintao all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Hu Jintao asks to call China and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Hu writes him a check.

Next George Bush calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When
he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so he writes him a check.

Finally Gloria Arroyo gets her turn and talks for 4 hours. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is $5.00.

When Bush hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why
GMA got to call the Philippines so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Gloria took over, her country
has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

20 06 2010
18 06 2010
derdo

One of your funniest posts ever. But why 2 number 4s?

18 06 2010
jashe

ngatog na sa 4th qtr. Lakers forever!!!! :D

18 06 2010
senior60

don’t despair my panganay, may next time pa naman….

18 06 2010
deosh_pogi

champion na kami!!! LAKERS RULEZ!!! YEHEY!!!

18 06 2010
als85

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! nanalo ang LAKERS

18 06 2010
als85

KOBE ang MVP

18 06 2010
Joma

congrats PH and all the Lakers fans, wooohoooo!!!!!

18 06 2010
esa

Aspen Oak – LornA TolentinoO ?
Sunflower Zinnia – MaritesS GutierreZ ?
Aster Anthurium – Amy Austria ?

But I hope it’s not true…even if Maritess has been rumored to be tomboy in the past.

18 06 2010
ayranola

The Future Ex-First Family – really cracked me up. This is your most funniest post. How can i email to this to my friends?

18 06 2010
professionalheckler

copy paste it na lang. :-)

19 06 2010
ayranola

Thanks for a great laugh. Will copy & send to friends. :-)

19 06 2010
etchosera

ST to the max ang Teh Ayranola!

moST funnieST poST?

Ay hala Teh, wag ka masyadong over, ha?

18 06 2010
eufems

Like :))

19 06 2010
stalker

pagpalain ka nawa ng maykapal heckler na lagi mo kaming mapapaligaya! galing ng jejenese mo!

Mabuhay Lakers!!!!

19 06 2010
vince

nagimprove ang jejenese! keep it up! haha :D

19 06 2010
rebel_jebel

wahaha, really funny!! How can we say goodbye to the Arroyos? Naglipana naman sila sa kongreso!hmmp!!

19 06 2010
MPRivera

News in a Flash!

http://www.abs-cbnews.com/nation/metro-manila/06/19/10/endangered-animals-rescued-cartimar-pet-shops

‘Yung mga dangerous animals, nagsisilayas na sa Malakanyang. Hindi dapat hayaang basta na lang makawala ang mga ‘yun. Matitindi ang rabies lalo na ‘yung askal na may garapata sa mukha saka ‘yung bulugang baboy na hindi puwedeng kainin ng tao ang karne, parang lava ng bulkan ang laway nu’n. Ang matuluan, nalulusaw tulad noong mga scam na kanyang kinasasangkutan dahil sa mahigpit na pagbabantay ng kanyang tagapag-alagang si Malditas.

19 06 2010
Jannah

panalo si Chiz!!! hindi pa natapos ang message
heheeh

20 06 2010
BAROK

I like the Silicon part :)

20 06 2010
BAROK

http://www.abs-cbnews.com/nation/06/17/10/inquirer-axes-pro-arroyo-columnist

Cunanan’s husband, retired general Thelmo Cunanan, is one of the beneficiaries of President Arroyo’s so-called “midnight appointments.”

He was appointed chairman of the Social Security System (SSS) on March 5, 2010, five days before the appointment ban during an election period took effect.

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