May 29th
On this date in…

1887: In a letter to his good friend Ferdinand Blumentritt who’s in Manila, Jose Rizal narrates that he and Maximo Viola toured the city of Munich and enjoyed themselves. An incensed Blumentritt tore the letter up, logged into his Facebook account and set his status to ‘It’s complicated.’

1943: Lt. Gen. Sigenori Kuroda, newly appointed commander of the Japanese Imperial Army in the Philippines, states that he is profoundly pleased by the gradual restoration of infrastructure, peace, and order in the country. He attributes the progress to the cooperation of his new BFFs in the Philippines, Jose P. Laurel Sr. and Benigno Aquino Sr.

1963: Doña Maria Agoncillo, second wife of General Emilio Aguinaldo, dies at the age of 84. Aguinaldo immediately changes his Friendster status to ‘Very Single.’

Thanks to the National Historical Institute and Filipiniana.Net.

In Memoriam
This week, the entertainment world bid goodbye to Britanny Murphy’s husband Simon Monjack, former child star Gary Coleman, and Willie Revillame’s TV career. Condolences.

Have a safe weekend! Go Lakers!

IDOLS

LEE DEWYZE is the new American Idol! After a nationwide vote, the shy and humble paint store clerk from Illinois was declared winner over young mother Crystal Bowersox of Ohio. Industry analysts say though that Bowersox is a better performer than DeWyze. Well, it does happen: better performers losing the vote? Hey, it just happened right here last May 10!

Since Day 1 of American Idol Season 9, the judges have been hinting of a Crystal Bowersox win. She has always been the frontrunner… until Chiz Escudero came out with an ad supporting Lee DeWyze.

Lee DeWyze has been declared winner of American Idol Season 9. Immediately after his win, various groups advised him to quit smoking.

America has voted and Lee DeWyze is crowned the new American Idol. Guess what, something odd happened during the finalé. As the official results were being announced, Annie Susano and Robert Ace Barbers suddenly appeared and claimed that massive fraud took place during the voting.

Morato’s Claim
Former PCSO and MTRCB Chairman Manoling Morato revealed that men approached him and offered to rig the polls in favor of Gilbert Teodoro for one billion pesos. Morato was stunned! Imagine, the men were asking one billion pesos from him! He subsequently rejected the offer saying the most that he had given a man was P1,500. Two hours na ‘yon!

Transition
Representatives of Mrs. Arroyo and Noynoy Aquino are now talking about ‘smooth transition.’ Like this morning, Mrs. Arroyo’s associates toured Noynoy’s men to Malacañang’s designated smoking area.

Congressman Pacquiao
Congressman-elect Manny Pacquiao says he is set to enroll in UP in preparation for his new job as Sarangani representative. Asked if he’s enrolling in a crash course, he replied, “Kungrisista aku, hindi pilutu! Gagu!”

Not True
Singing sensation Charice Pempengco has denied rumors she will appear on the hit US TV show “Glee.” However, it has been confirmed that Mar Roxas will appear on “Lost.”

Charice Pempengco has denied rumors she will appear on “Glee.” It has been confirmed though that Manny Villar will appear on “The Biggest Loser.”

Hot Weather
The weather bureau said temperature in Metro Manila reached 38 degrees on Wednesday! Sought for comment on the hot weather, president-apparent Noynoy Aquino said, “Wala ‘yan! ‘Yung bayaw ko ngang si James Yap, kayang mag-360 degrees!”
—————————–
“If you elect a matinee idol mayor, you’re going to have a musical comedy administration.”
~Robert Moses

Survey Says
Now that Noynoy Aquino has been elected president, should he quit smoking?
YES! Para na rin sa ikabubuti ng kalusugan niya. 44%
NO! Lifestyle niya ‘yun. 17%
WALA akong pakialam kung anumang gawin n’ya sa buhay n’ya! 39%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

WHAT YOSI IS WHAT YOU GET

JUST SO YOU KNOW, last May 22, the International Day for Biological Diversity was celebrated in 11 countries around the world – from Algeria to the Philippines and from Ecuador to the United Kingdom. During the celebration, Ecuador opened its largest protected wildlife zone; Algeria reported the discovery of a new reptilian species, and the Philippines confirmed that koalas were no longer endemic to Australia.

Have you been following the investigation being conducted by the Lower House on the revelations of “koala boy” as regards the alleged poll fraud? Several defeated candidates from Luzon to Visayas and Mindanao divulged that unidentified men offered to rig the automated polls in their favor for a fee. But the candidates rejected the offer because the purported ‘koala boys’ wanted the payment to be made in Australian dollars.

This just in: Feisty senator Miriam Defensor Santiago has dared “koala boy” to reveal his identity. If not, the senator will reportedly unmask the political operator behind him. Malakas umano ang kutob ng senadora na si “koala boy” ay nagtatago ngayon sa isang “puno.”

Top 5 Revelations in “Koala Boy’s” New Video Allegedly Coming Out Soon

No. 5: That the original plan was for him to appear in a gecko suit but “it’s too hot in there”

No. 4: That homosexual voters actually voted in bloc but Comelec 2nd Division Commissioners Elias Yusoph, Nicodemo Ferrer, and Lucenito Tagle shaved off thousands of votes from ‘Ang Ladlad’ and Sen. Jamby Madrigal

No. 3: That an altered version of his video exposé will be released to discredit him. Wearing only black briefs and a red bandana tied around his head, the video shows ‘koala boy’ gyrating to Justin Bieber’s remake of ‘Careless Whisper’

No. 2: That he’s willing to reveal his true identity in Congress on condition that Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin won’t call him “son of a bitch” on live TV

And the No. 1 revelation in “koala boy’s” new video allegedly coming out soon…

That Smartmatic’s Cesar Flores and Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal are “partners in crime” adding that both men fondly call each other “papa bear” in private.

In Other News…
Defeated Davao City mayoral candidate, and outgoing House Speaker Prospero Nograles has filed an electoral protest citing conspiracy on the part of his rival Sara Duterte and local poll officials. Saying he’s not sourgraping, Nograles insists he’s just after the naked truth.

Not Quitting
Noynoy Aquino says he won’t quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. Did you know what happened the last time he tried to stop smoking? He decided to run for president!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino said he would not quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, this morning, he tried NOT to smoke. As a result, he had to grasp for an answer when his maid asked him, ‘Ser, iskrambol po ba o sony side up?”

Noynoy Aquino says he is not going to quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, on the day that he decided NOT to quit smoking, he was trying to quit smoking!

Top 5 Things to Tell Noynoy Aquino To Make Him Quit

No. 5: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibubunyag nina Korina Sanchez, Diana Zubiri, Bernadette Sembrano, at Barbara Milano kung bakit sila nakipag-break sa ‘yo!

No. 4: Kapag ‘di ka tumitigil sa paninigarilyo, hindi kayo puwedeng mag-computer games ni Joshua.

No. 3: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, magagalit si Papa Jesus!

No. 2: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibabalik sa ‘yo ni Mar Roxas si Korina Sanchez!

And the No. 1 thing to tell Noynoy Aquino to make him quit…

Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ikaw ulit ang presidente from 2016 to 2022!

MVP and Meralco
Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will become chief executive officer of the country’s largest power retailer Manila Electric Company. So don’t be surprised if you and your neighbors would have similar if not identical billing statements.

Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will be the CEO of Meralco. Also on July 1, Meralco’s tagline, “May liwanag ang buhay” will be replaced with a new slogan, “Go, Meralco! One Big Light!”

Survey Says
Should President-apparent Noynoy Aquino appoint members of the Hyatt 10 or The Firm in key government posts?
SURE. They’re capable. 18.4%
NO! TAMA NA! They’ve had their time. 63.4%
Bahala siya sa buhay niya! 18.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Noynoy’s ‘little president’

A Manila Standard Today Lifestyle columnist came up with his own list of the most admired TV journalists

DIPLOMACY

Noy and the US Envoy
US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. paid a visit to president-apparent Noynoy Aquino on Times Street, Quezon City last Friday. After the visit, both the Liberal Party and the US Embassy denied rumors that Thomas made a pitch for Jejomar Binay.

The meeting between US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. and president-apparent Noynoy Aquino last Friday reportedly lasted one and a half hours. A broad range of issues was discussed during the visit. Thomas talked about current state relations and terrorism for the first half hour, while Noynoy talked about video games for the next hour.

US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. paid a courtesy call on president apparent-Noynoy Aquino last Friday on Times Street. Thomas promised three things during his visit: one, that the US would respect the outcome of the elections; two, that America would work closely with Aquino on priority issues, and three, that he, as US envoy would never appear on Wowowee as often as his predecessor did.

Sen. Mar Roxas was also present during US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr’s visit to Times Street. Roxas took advantage of the opportunity to meet Thomas before he takes a one-year break from government and politics.

GMA’s “Tuko”
Heard about President Arroyo’s speech at the Lions Club convention last Friday? In her talk, the president revealed, “In my son’s home, and in my home in Lubao, Pampanga, we don’t use chemical pest control for mosquitoes and cockroaches. We use a gecko.” Now that explains why Malacañang has been free from cockroaches and mosquitoes for nine years now.

With the likes of Dato, Mikey, Iggy, and Mike Arroyo around her, it’s no longer surprising why President Arroyo knows so much about pest management.

DOH and Smoking
The Department of Health will issue an administrative order requiring cigarette manufacturers to place graphic warnings in their products to discourage the public from smoking. Reacting to the order, cigar manufacturers have started reproducing cigar packages showing a photo of Noynoy Aquino.

Kris and TIME
Noynoy and the Aquino family are on the pages of TIME Asia again. His sister Kris was described as “The Filipina Oprah.” Sure. A black host and a black sheep.

Kris Files LOA
Kris Aquino has announced her decision to leave ABS-CBN’s two showbiz-oriented talk shows: ‘The Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ while her brother is in office. To sustain the two shows’ good ratings while she’s gone, Kris will be replaced by Robin Padilla.

A Passport, Finally!
Dethroned Bb. Pilipinas-Universe 2010 Maria Venus Raj finally gets a passport – a condition set by the Bb. Pilipinas Charities before she is completely reinstated. It took more than a month for Venus to get a passport because she was too busy with her TV guestings and appearances.

Overseas
On Saturday, May 22, 13-year-old Jordan Romero of California, USA became the youngest climber to reach the peak of Mount Everest. The lovable kid has become so popular on Twitter, fans of Justin Bieber have started sending him hate mails.
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“A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor’s throat without having his neighbor notice it.”
~Former UN Secretary-General Trygve Lie

Briefly Noted
For two consecutive days now, my favorite broadsheet has bannered ‘positive’ stories about its favorite president-elect.
Saturday: “Aquino receives US envoy”
Sunday: “China, Spain hail Aquino’s poll victory”
Is PDI the new Manila Bulletin?

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyon ng dayaan na ibinunyag ni “Koala Boy?”
Oo! Imbestigahan ‘yan! 9%
Hindi! Pakawala siya ng mga talunan! 81%
Medyo. 10%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great week ahead. Go Lakers!

A MARSUPIAL IN THE HOUSE

IT WAS A RATHER unusual day at the House of Representatives last Wednesday. A ‘koala’ stole the show from the crocodiles.

The House of Representatives was jampacked last Wednesday when the 30-minute video clip of “koala boy” was shown… making it the biggest single-day gathering of losers ever.

Identified only as ‘Robin,’ a ‘whistleblower’ that resembles a koala because of his mask, surfaced earlier this week and exposed the alleged massive election fraud during the May 10 automated elections. Analyzing his statements though, this ‘Robin’ is starting to sound more like the Joker.

A video of poll fraud whistleblower identified only as ‘Robin’ was shown at the House of Representatives last Wednesday. But Comelec officials began to raise doubts on Robin’s credibility when he claimed that cheating operations shaved off several million votes from presidential candidates Gilberto Teodoro, former President Joseph Estrada and evangelist Bro. Eddie Villanueva… in Gotham City.

Some people have suspected that “koala boy” who exposed the alleged poll fraud in the May 10 automated polls could be the infamous whistleblower Ador Mawanay. But suspicions slowly fizzled out when they realized that only a horse-shaped mask would fit on him.

Comelec officials started to doubt the credibility of the masked whistleblower when they tried to extract some personal information from him. Asked about his residence, the whistleblower replied, “eucalyptus tree.”

Locsin Blows Top
Outgoing Makati City Rep. Teodoro Locsin lost his cool during Thursday’s hearing when Smartmatic-TIM representatives couldn’t clearly explain why poll results transmitted by voting machines had different time stamps that did not reflect the actual opening and closing times of the polls. Locsin shouted, “You sons of bitches!” to Smartmatic representatives… who hastily called a press conference after the hearing to categorically deny that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was their mother.

2010 Census
Just so you know, the National Statistics Office has been conducting a national census of population and housing since last week. The projected population for 2010 is 94.01 million. But Sen. Mar Roxas refuses to accept the figure and insists that it’s too close to call.

For 2010, the NSO reveals that Philippine population could reach 94.01 million. But the House of Representatives is inclined to conduct a probe after “Koala Boy” surfaced and alleged that some 5 to 6 million was deducted from the 2007 census.

The NSO has been conducting a national census of population and housing since last week. For 2010, the projected population is 94.01 million. The Catholic Church is holding a victory party.

The 2010 national census of population and housing is ongoing. People are being asked about the number of persons in each household… to which Joseph Estrada asked, “Which household?”

Somebody from the National Statistics Office came to our house yesterday. The NSO guy asked for my name, my birthdate, and my educational attainment, and then, to my surprise, inquired if I was on Facebook.

An NSO representative came to our house yesterday. The NSO guy asked for my name, my age, and my educational attainment. And then to my surprise, he offered me grocery items if I would turn my TV on and tune in to GMA 7.
——————————-

Briefly Noted
President-apparent Noynoy Aquino is no longer taking his oath before a barangay captain. The Philippine Daily Inquirer’s headline today, Friday: “Aquino to take oath before lone SC dissenter” Of course, that wouldn’t be the headline if the Inquirer wasn’t a Noynoy diehard. Knowing the Inquirer, the story could have been titled: “Noynoy Aquino flip-flops, to take oath before lone SC dissenter.” But then again, it’s Noynoy. And it’s the Inquirer. Balanced News, Fearless Views, anyone?

Survey Says
Ngayong nakapanumpa na si Chief Justice Renato Corona, dapat na bang kilalanin ni Sen. Noynoy Aquino ang posisyon nito?
DAPAT naman. Peace na! 56%
HINDI pa rin! Never! 29%
Wala akong pakialam sa kanilang dalawa! 15%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your weekend!

WHISPERING HOPE

LP Not Giving Up
In a press conference Monday, the Liberal Party claimed that based on 88 certificates of canvass (81 percent) obtained by the party, Mar Roxas led Jejomar Binay by 137,404 votes. LP stalwarts did not reveal though whose idea was it to publicly give Roxas… false hopes.

During Liberal Party’s press con last Monday, May 17, PAGASA reported that temperature in Metro Manila sizzled at 37.3 degrees Celsius. Now you know why Binay’s lead over Roxas evaporated.

Based on official tally though, Mar Roxas is losing the vice presidential race to Jejomar Binay. Roxas and the Liberal Party are shocked. They couldn’t believe that Binay and even Erap would actually be this strong. In fact, the Binay-Erap tandem has become LP’s second strongest competition… next only to the tandem of Conrado De Quiros and William Esposo.

Questions and Answers
Q1: “Senator, hindi ba kayo naaawa kay Governor Salceda? Sunog na sunog na eh.”
A1: “Sus! ‘Di naman halata. Hayaan na natin. ‘Tsaka, nag-sunblock lotion ‘yan kanina.”

Q2: “Senator, bakit kayong lahat naka-yellow pero ‘yung mama sa likuran naka-blue?”
A2: “Naku! Hayaan mo na siya. Basta ang iboboto ng pamilya namin, ‘yung laging naka-dilaw!”

Q3: “Meron po bang ‘B?’”
A3: “Alam mo, taga-IBC 13 ka na nga lang, ikaw pa ang malakas mang-intriga! Next question pls!”

Q4: “Senator, kung mananalo po kayo at matatalo si Mar Roxas… why not?”
A4: “Lokohan na ‘to! Tama na! Aalis na kami.”

Vocal Local
In Quezon City: Actress and defeated vice mayoral candidate Aiko Melendez is reportedly filing a petition before the Comelec against what her camp alleged were “preprogrammed” PCOS machines. A shocked Melendez claimed she got zero votes in her bailiwicks… something that if proven true will finally disprove the popular notion that many Quezon City residents are idiots.

In Manila: After being trounced by incumbent mayor Alfredo Lim in the May 10 polls, mayoral candidate Lito Atienza filed an election protest claiming that some PCOS machines may have been “preprogrammed” to make Lim win even in some known Atienza bailiwicks. Asked if he took the cue from Quezon City’s Aiko Melendez, Atienza replied, “Definitely not! I can spell ‘bailiwick.’”

Accompanied by his loyal supporters, defeated mayoral candidate Lito Atienza went to the local Comelec office Monday and filed an electoral protest. But tension rose outside the office when Kuya Kim Atienza suddenly appeared, and told his dad’s supporters, “Maaaadlang pipol…. vote mo, show mo!”

In Quezon Province: Outgoing Governor Rafael Nantes was killed when his private chopper crashed in Lucena City Monday. Supporters of the defeated re-electionist were quick to deny rumors that the chopper crashed because of“shipment” overload.

Remember Rafael Nantes? The former congressman and outgoing Quezon governor who had been linked to the illegal drug trade was killed in a plane crash Monday. Probers are now checking on reports that Nantes’ private pilot was flying ‘high.’

And finally, in my home province of Batangas: Actress Vilma Santos was re-elected governor… making her the first gubernatorial candidate to win against a corpse.

Kris Stays
Amid calls for her to fulfill a promise, incoming presidential sister Kris Aquino announced Sunday that she’s not leaving the country… disappointing the 22,000plus members of the Facebook group, ‘Kris Aquino’s Despedida,‘ her brother’s critics, and James Yap.

————————-
“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Briefly Noted
Did you read Conrado De Quiros’ two-part column “about” and “against” the Hyatt 10, The Firm, and Mar Roxas diehards in the Liberal Party? Geez, these people must be debating among themselves now: who should draft the rejoinder? Will there be a Korina Sanchez vs. Conrado De Quiros Part 2? Abangan!

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sakaling matalo si Sen. Mar Roxas?
Ang ‘Team Noy-Bi’ sa Liberal Party 27%
S’ya mismo at ang mga campaign strategists niya! 46%
Wala. It’s his fate to lose. 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
My sincerest apologies to Mark Tare of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. His group requested for an interview prior to Election Day but due to a tight sked, I failed to grant their request. Anyway, here’s PCIJ’s online article on political humor: Joke the vote, pun the bets

More Personal
My LA Lakers massacred Los Suns in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. Kobe Bryant dropped 40. Wohoo!

FATE

IT’S BEEN A WEEK since the country held its first ever automated elections. At press time, Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay are leading the PPCRV and the Comelec tally. This is understandable though since both candidates were supported by the INC. Aquino, by the Iglesia ni Cristo, and Binay, by the Iglesia ng Cojuangco.

With both Jejomar Binay and Mar Roxas claiming victory, the race for vice president is far from over. Analysts believe we wouldn’t be in this situation if the Liberal Party didn’t field two VP candidates.

Noynoy’s candidacy according to Inquirer columnist Conrado de Quiros is destiny. He is fated to win. The same is true for Jejomar Binay and Mar Roxas. Binay is destined to be this nation’s vice president; Roxas is destined to be Korina’s husband.

While many people would agree that Noynoy Aquino has secured the presidency, the battle for vice president remains tight. The only thing tighter is Korina Sanchez’ face.

Noynoy’s Oath Taking
Insisting that he’ll never recognize a Chief Justice appointed by President Arroyo, Noynoy Aquino says he’d rather take his oath before a barangay captain. Malacañang says it respects Aquino’s decision and adds that he can swear before anyone, anywhere. In fact, Mar Roxas has successfully done that. He swore before rallyists in Ayala.

Joint Press Con
Did you hear the news? Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas held a joint press conference during a wake at a funeral parlor in Tarlac City last Friday. The Liberal Party was quick to clarify though that the wake was for a slain LP supporter, and not for Roxas’ political career.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Liberal Party Headquarters

No. 5: “Sabi ko na sa inyo eh. Hindi dapat pagtiwalaan ang hilatsa ng pagmumukha ng Peping Cojuangco na ‘yan.”

No. 4: “Hindi ka kasi nakinig! ‘Di mo dapat isinama si Korina sa concert ng Tears for Fears.”

No. 3: “Wala ka nang choice. ‘Tapos na eh. So Plan “B” ka na lang. “B”untisin mo na lang ‘yung misis mong broadcaster.”

No. 2: “Akala ko ba, atin ang ABS-CBN? Bakit sa exit polls nila, lamang si Binay?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at Liberal Party headquarters…

“Usapang lalaki ‘Noy. Magsabi ka lang ng totoo, hindi sasama ang loob ko. Si Binay ba talaga ang ibinoto ni Kris?”

Jamby MADrigal
Sen. Jamby Madrigal is furious. She couldn’t understand why she got fewer votes than disqualified presidential candidate Vetellano Acosta. Sought for comment though, Acosta was even more furious. He couldn’t understand why a lot of people now call him ‘Teacher Neric.’

Goodbye Kris?
Remember Kris Aquino’s promise that she would leave the country with her kids if Noynoy would win and she would cause stress for him? Well, after Noynoy posted a huge lead in the election tally, a Facebook group called “Kris Aquino’s Despedida” emerged, and has since been asking Kris to live up to her promise. Guess who was its first member? James Yap.

“Kris Aquino’s Despedida,” a Facebook group whose members are asking Kris to fulfill her promise of leaving the country if Noynoy won as president has become immensely popular. To give you an idea how popular it has become… according to the latest count, it now has more supporters than Nicanor Perlas, JC De Los Reyes and Jamby Madrigal.

Imelda on Marcos
Congresswoman-elect Imelda Marcos says she is abandoning plans to bury her husband at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The former First Lady realized the usefulness of her husband’s body when Ilocos Norte experienced rotating brownouts last month. You know, candles.

Priest Defeated
Among Ed Panlilio lost his re-election bid for the gubernatorial post in Pampanga. He has since returned to priesthood. In fact, he celebrated his first mass today, May 16. His homily was about the parable of the prodigal son.

Congressman Pacman
Boxing champion Manny Pacquiao is now a member of the House of Representatives. An athlete, an action star, and a politician who cannot speak straight English: Sarangani is the new California.

——————–
“It makes no difference who you vote for – the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people.”
~ Gore Vidal

Briefly Noted
The election victory of both Manny Pacquiao and Imelda Marcos was mentioned on CNN. One who became famous for his footwork, and another who became infamous for her footwear.

Survey Says
Should Associate Justice Renato Corona decline his appointment as Chief Justice?
YES, Kung may delicadeza siya. 68.5%
NO. Tama ang proseso. 24.6%
Hindi ko alam ang isyu 6.9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Star’s Chair Wrecker wrote ‘Mar was a victim’

Newsbreak: Peping camp campaign for ‘Noy-Bi’

Another from Newsbreak: GMA abandons Gibo in Pampanga

Have a great week ahead!

MAR OH MAR!

NOYNOY AQUINO and Jejomar Binay topped ABS-CBN and Pulse Asia’s exit polls. Mar Roxas is now thinking of a ‘gracepoll’ exit.

But another report says, until the last vote is counted, Mar Roxas will not concede the vice presidency… and Korina Sanchez will not concede to Dr. Ellen B.

Happy Birthday!
Sen. Mar Roxas is celebrating his 53rd birthday today, May 13. This morning, he got the surprise of his life when Korina Sanchez blew his candle.

Rumors say Mar Roxas wants to invite everyone, including his political enemies to a Tom and Jerry-themed party. Roxas wants to play Tom, Binay will be the Jerry.

But his wife Korina insists on having a cowboy-themed celebration. She can’t wait to shoot Chiz Escudero.

Korina has also rejected another suggestion to have a Batibot-inspired party. She really hates Kiko Matsing.

Doňa Judy Araneta-Roxas has another idea though. She wants her son to invite Nanay Curing Villar for a Barney and Friends Birthday Party. You know, dinosaurs.

Why, even the newest Liberal, Joey Salceda has a suggestion – an X-Men themed event!

Several Iglesia ni Cristo members have confirmed attendance to Mar Roxas’ party. But the INC members will bring just one common gift for him.

Loren Legarda will also attend the party. But before accepting the invitation, she made sure that ABS-CBN is not covering it live and no Wireless Audience Response System will be used during the event.

Unconfirmed reports say Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros has been invited to speak at the birthday party. So expect the columnist to endorse Roxas in the next elections.

You know who else is celebrating his birthday today? Robert Pattinson. Yeah, sharing the same birthday today are Robert Pattinson and Mar Roxas – one whose career was launched via ‘Twilight’ and another who’s in the twilight of his career.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Senator, this is TJ Manotoc. I have good news on your birthday. Got two complimentary tix here for the repeat concert of Tears for Fears. Would you like to watch the show with Korina?”

No. 9: “Mar, si Loren ‘to. Ayaw ko nang makipagplastikan. Prangkahan na. Kung malungkot ka sa iyong birthday dahil nakakalamang si Binay, ako hindi. Masayang-masaya ako for Mayor Binay. At ito ang tandaan mo: kung kay Noli De Castro, never akong nag-concede, lalong hindi sa ‘yo!”

No. 8: “Isang mainit na pagbati sa iyong kaarawan Senador Roxas! Si Chiz Escudero ito. Ilang tulog na lang, 2016 na. Handa ka na ba?”

No. 7: “Hello Manuel! This is your Tita Gloria Angara. Your Tito Edong is sending his warm birthday greetings to you! Pero maiba ako iho. Sino ‘yung nag-iwan ng message No. 9 sa ‘taas? Ang bitter naman ng babaeng ‘yun. Hindi maka-move on!”

No. 6: “Mar, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. ‘Wag kang malungkot. Birthday na birthday mo pa naman. Alam mo ba ang regalo ko sa ‘yo? Sssssssh, ‘wag kang maingay. Atin-atin lang ‘to. ‘Yung bise presidente ko… walang B! Walang “boto” mula sa ‘kin! Ayos ba?”

No. 5: “eOw poh sEnAdOR! kMi p0Wh ANG mgA jejeMOn Ng eaSt RemBo, Mkti cItY P0wh.~ ky BiNay,~ gGNDA aNG buHay L0lZ! mAligYng Bati na Rin~ pow! JEjej3!

No. 4: “Birthday greetings Senator Roxas! Thank you so much for the support! Kung ‘di po dahil sa inyo noon, wala sana ako ngayon. Nagmamahal, EVAT Law.”

No. 3: “Mar, partner, si Noy ‘to. Happy birthday ‘tol! ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Magtutulungan pa rin tayo para sa bayan dude. Kung matalo ka man, nandito pa rin ako pare. Remember, I’m still single. Since wala naman akong First Lady, baka interesado kang maging First Gentleman o kaya First Best Friend. Basta walang malisya bro.”

No. 2: “Hon, alam ko birthday mo. Pero, bakit?!? Bakiiiiiiiiiiit?!? Ano ang kasalanan ko sa Itaas at pinaparusahan ako ng ganito katindi? I took a leave from my freakin’ job. Sinagot kita! Ipinagtanggol kita! Pinakasalan kita! Sinipingan pa nga kita kahit medyo… eww! Pero bakit? Kulang pa ba ang mga sakripisyo kong ito?”

And the No.1 birthday message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…

“Hi Marrrrrrrrrr! This is Krissy! Gosh! It’s your birthday pala today! I almost forgot. Mabuti na lang, Tito Jojo Binay reminded me about it over dinner last night! Gosh, this is so embarrassing! Forgetful na talaga ang lola mo, pasensya na! Anyway, happy, happy birthday and I sincerely wish na ma-enjoy mo ang ‘yong pagiging ordinary citizen. Pakisabi kay Tita Koring, I miss her. Well, slight. Gosh! She won’t be Second Lady nga pala noh? How saaaaad! Bye, bye for now! I need to go. Oh my! Baby James, ano ba! ‘Wag mong dilaan ‘yang Villar bracelet. That’s dirty! Gosh this kid!”

In Other News…
Former Lakas stalwart-turned-Noynoy Aquino supporter Joey “She’s a lucky bitch” Salceda was re-elected governor of Albay. Sought for comment on his victory, Salceda blurted out, “Ay! Winner! Nilampaso ko nang bonggang-bongga ang candidate No. 2! As in!”

JC: ‘Not yet Noynoy’
Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has withdrawn his concession to Noynoy Aquino. It takes a lot of guts to do something like that especially if you’re someone who couldn’t even win an election against Vetellano Acosta.

Lani in the House!
Actress Lani Mercado is now a lawmaker. Can you believe it? Well, I can’t. Sampalin n’yo ko! Sampalin n’yo ko!

Lani Mercado has been elected congresswoman in Cavite. She will represent the province’ district 2 – the country’s congressional district with the second highest number of masochists next only to Saranggani.

Critics Proven Wrong
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist and Noynoy Aquino endorser Conrado De Quiros, and activist lawyer Harry Roque – two of the most prominent poll automation naysayers (who doubted the capabilities of both the Comelec and Smartmatic) admitted that they have been proven wrong as the May 10 elections turned out to be a credible and successful exercise. Tinangka ni Professional Heckler na hingan ng pahayag ang dalawa ngunit kapwa sila tumanggi dahil kumakain pa raw sila… ng kanilang mga salita.
—————————–
“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character.”
~Richard Nixon

Survey Says…
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pangkalahatang proseso ng katatapos na halalan?
Astig! Ang bilis! Sulit ang ipinila ko! 19%
Puwede na. Pero puwede pang ma-improve! 79%
Ibalik sa dati. Manual na lang tayo. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
If you still doubt Iglesia ni Cristo’s ability to vote solidly as a bloc, check out these figures from Rodriguez, Rizal, a known INC stronghold: Here. And here. Another. And one more.

Sheila Coronel for CNN: In the Philippines, clans and guns still rule

Philippine Daily Inquirer: How did the Binay blitzkrieg come about?

Personal
Huli man at magaling, kailangan pa ring sabihin. Huge thanks to broadcast networks for the comprehensive coverage of the elections! Mabuhay kayo mga Kapamilya, Kapatid, Kapuso, at kung sinu-sino pang mga ka-K diyan!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

IMPARTIAL AND OFFICIAL

May 11, 2010
Makati City

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

I congratulate Sen. Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III on his victory.

I accept the will of the people.

I encourage every Filipino to work side-by-side with our new president… with the exception of those who are allergic to second hand smoke.

I would like to thank the readers of this blog who volunteered to disseminate the information that I maintain a Twitter account. I may have failed to update my blog on Election Day but people were able to monitor my activities by following me on Twitter.

Today, I concede. Yes, I concede that Noynoy Aquino is a more entertaining subject than Manuel Villar Jr., Joseph Estrada, or any other presidential candidates.

His victory is just the beginning. There’s so much work to do. There’s a lot of Noynoyisms to write about.

Let us celebrate democracy and let the heckling flourish even more under his administration.

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

Signed:

The Professional Heckler

—————————

In the news today…
Conceding defeat to Noynoy Aquino, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. apologized to the people whom he may have hurt during the campaign. He apologized to his opponents, to their supporters, and to his critics. He didn’t say though when is he going to apologize to his mother.

Speaking before the press Tuesday morning, Manny Villar conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. In accepting his sorry loss, Villar vowed to support the Aquino administration… by not releasing any psychiatric reports anymore.

Sen. Manny Villar has conceded defeat to Noynoy Aquino. There’s no word yet though if Willie Revillame is also conceding defeat to Jobert Sucaldito.

Gordon and JC, Too
Reports say Sen. Richard Gordon was the third presidential candidate to concede defeat. That’s according to news reports. But according to SWS and Pulse Asia, he’s the sixth candidate to do so.

At press time, Sen. Jamby Madrigal is in 8th place in the presidential race. But the feisty senator is not about to concede defeat saying, “Hindi ako kumakain ng pride.”

Trailing his eight rivals in the official counting, Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has also conceded defeat. K.

Gilbert Throws in the Towel
Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro has conceded defeat to his second cousin, Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Unfortunately for Gilbert, he failed to make it work. I mean, “Mind over mother.”

In accepting his defeat, administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro said, “I did not fight for a political position for myself but for an idea. Winning or losing is secondary. We fight for an idea.” Monitoring Gibô on ANC, Noynoy Aquino inexplicably had a nosebleed.

Administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro lost the presidency. Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s “God” lost its credibility. Boo!

Mar and Binay
Jejomar Binay is reportedly winning the race for vice president despite getting junked by the INC; snubbed by Quiboloy, and dumped by his own running mate. Now that’s what you call ‘failure of rejection.’

Outgoing Makati City Jejomar Binay looks headed for an upset win over Sen. Mar Roxas. Sought for comment, Roxas said, “Masakit. Para akong tinadyakan ng dark horse.”

As Jejomar Binay leads the counting for vice president, Noynoy Aquino denies reports that some Liberal Party stalwarts have started to abandon his running mate, Mar Roxas. Dissatisfied with Noynoy’s denial, Joey Salceda suggested a loyalty check.

Ex-presidential contender turned vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is losing his bid for the vice presidency… making ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez the leading candidate for ex-future Second Lady.

Partial, unofficial tally shows Sen. Mar Roxas is trailing Jejomar Binay in the vice presidential race. When he saw the partial results in the news, Roxas said, “Basta! Alam ko na kung sino ang hindi ko isasama sa repeat concert ng Tears for Fears!”

Erap and Binay
Videos and photos have revealed that Joseph Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate. But Estrada’s running mate, Jejomar Binay was unfazed by the reported alleged rejection. After all, he’s got his ‘other’ president.

Noynoy Wins
Results of the partial, unofficial count show that Sen. Noynoy Aquino has won the presidency. Finally, he’s got something to write under the column “Achievements” on his curriculum vitaé.

Noynoy Aquino has confirmed reports that Dinky Soliman has accepted his offer to become DSWD secretary. Aquino has earlier vowed to reward Soliman with a cabinet post on condition that she won’t sing “If We Hold On (Together)” again.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Natatandaan mo pa ba noong magpunta tayo minsan sa isang girlie joint doon sa QC? Sinundan pala ako ng Tita Ellen Binay mo. ‘Buti na lang, madilim sa kuwarto. Hindi ako nakita!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Pati ba naman ‘yun natandaan n’yo pa? Para tuloy gusto kong bumalik.”

B: “Sa tingin mo ‘Noy, iinterviewhin pa kaya ako ni Korina kapag bumalik siya sa DZMM?”

“Ha-ha-ha! Kabahan ka na Manong! Pero ‘wag ako ang tanungin mo d’yan. ‘The Buzz’ lang at ‘SNN’ ang hawak ko.”

C: “Puwede bang maghati tayo ng term? First three years, ikaw ang presidente, ako ang bise. ‘Tapos, last three years, ako naman ang presidente at ikaw ang bise. Sige na, pumayag ka na. Subok lang!”

“Ha-ha-ha! Nautot naman ako sa sinabi n’yo. Tanungin ko muna ang Pink Sisters.”

D: “Nagbabasa ka ba ng column ni Conrado De Quiros ng Inquirer? Paborito ka no’n! You think, magugustuhan n’ya rin ako?”

“Oo naman! Kayo pa!? Alam n’yo bang mahilig sa analogy ng ‘good & evil’ si De Quiros? Eksakto! Good ako. Evil kayo! I luveeeet!”
————–
Note: This is just a partial dose of my post-elections report. The results from the local voting are next. Plus, a special article on our new president.
————–
Battle of the Networks
Did you see GMA News’ use of a “hologram” in their election coverage? Award-winning journalist Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But the feat didn’t impress Noynoy Aquino that much saying he’s seen the same stuff in his favorite PC games.

Howie Severino became the first Filipino journalist to be beamed on live TV in “a hologram” – or as Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would describe it, “a vision.”

GMA News and Public Affairs ushered in a first on Philippine television. Howie Severino became the first Filipino to be beamed in “a hologram” on live TV. But rumors say it wasn’t really Howie but his boss, Jessica Soho who was supposed to be beamed first during the coverage. There wasn’t just enough ‘beam’ to make it possible.

How about ABS-CBN’s high-tech equipment? Did you see the huge Philippine map that was projected right in front of the news anchor? Viewers were treated to a rare spectacle when some of the islands on the map started to disappear on live TV – during high tide!

ABS-CBN’s comprehensive coverage of the May 2010 elections utilized a new broadcast technology called “augmented reality,” which combines computer-generated imagery in live-video streams as a way to expand the real-world. Or as Lito Lapid would say, “Higanteng touch screen lang ‘yan!”

Finally… another rumor has it GMA News was not the first news organization to use the idea of “a hologram” to make it appear that a news person is actually there in person while fellow news persons pretend to be in awe while talking to her. That’s exactly what happens every time Korina Sanchez drops by the ABS-CBN Newsroom.
——————————
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~ Marilyn vos Savant

Survey Says
Neck-and-neck ang labanan. Kung dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-bise presidente, sino ang iboboto mo?
Jejomar BINAY 28%
Mar ROXAS 48%
Wala! Ayoko sa kanilang dalawa! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

AND MY VOTE GOES TO…

FIRST OF ALL, congratulations to all of us, to every Filipino for being the luckiest people in the world – during elections. We probably have the most number of countrymen who wanted to ‘serve’ us.

The funny thing was, all of them promised, within six years, to accomplish two major things that even God has failed to do in two billion years: ending poverty and stamping out corruption. Cute!

The historic automated general election takes place Monday, May 10. Yes, it’s now happening. We all survived several months of mudslinging, unbelievable pitches, excruciating political ads, unprecedented spending, malfunctioning PCOS machines, psychiatric reports, and Nanay Curing.

But was it all worth it?

As we prepare to vote, let us review the events of the past five months and hand out some trophies to the best and the worst of this year’s elections.

For some of the categories, there will be a winner and a runner-up. Again, you must remember, the role of the runner-up is very crucial. If, for any reason, the winner declines the award, the trophy will be forcibly given to the runner-up. Are you ready?

The winners, in no particular significance are:

“Nagulat Kayo ‘Noh?” Award
Winner: Iglesia ni Cristo
Think American Idol 2009. Manny Villar was the Adam Lambert to Noynoy Aquino’s Kris Allen and INC represented the voting public. It was all Adam from Episode 1 to the final performance night. And then came the shocker at the finalé: the public voted for Kris. Unfortunately for Villar, this is not a singing tilt, and the INC is not voting for a second placer.
Runner-up: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A week after gathering his Lakas party mates for a loyalty check, he abandoned them. Nakakaloka! Apparently, Noynoy Aquino is a believer of Joey Salceda so he made an offer Joey couldn’t refuse. Ang haba ng hair mo girl!

“If You Can’t Beat Them, Sue Them!” Award
Winner: Sen. Richard Gordon
This just in! A survey conducted in the Gordon household revealed that Richard Gordon was the top choice of cooks, nannies, and drivers for president. The gardener who conducted the survey is now facing a lawsuit from the Bagumbayan standard-bearer.

“Peke ng Ina Mo ” Award
Winner: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the fake psych evaluation report
Two reasons why the ‘mentallly-challenged’ issue against a certain candidate failed: One, the documentary evidence presented was a fake. Two, we already knew it.
Runner-up: The Nacionalista Party, its die-hards, and the second fake psych evaluation report
Reason why it failed: the producers (NP) totally forgot that movie sequels traditionally bomb at the box-office

“Ayan, Kasi. Itlog Pa Lang, Nagbilang na Agad ng Sisiw” Award
Winner: Mar Roxas
Interviewed a month ago, he confidently asserted there’s no way he’d lose the VP race. Until Francis Joseph Escudero made a pitch for the candidate “na may B.”
Two reasons why Roxas would probably lose: One, Jejomar Binay has more than one presidential candidate. Two, Roxas’ got half.

“Bugbog-Sarado” Award
Winner: Manny Villar
The ‘use’ of Nanay Curing says it all.

“Mehh Ganun?” Award otherwise known as the “Cheesiest Declaration of a Political Endorsement” Award
Winner: Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name
“Pinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami, ngunit sa uluhan po namin ay nakita ko, hindi po Barack Obama ang kanyang pangalan. Alam n’yo po kung ano? Gib Obama, Gibo Obama.”

Three letters and an exclamation point: WTF!

“Weapon of Mass Appeal Destruction” Award
Runaway Winner: The “Villarroyo” tag
Two reasons why it worked against Villar: One, the public really hated GMA. Two, it’s true.

“Punyeta! Pati Ako Napapakanta!” Award
Winner: Manny Villar’s “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?” Jingle
The ad propelled the NP standard-bearer to a statistical tie with his closest rival, and its catchy tune produced this generation’s youngest political turncoat – Baby James. Vilyay!
Runner-up: GMA Network’s “Bilog na Hugis Itlog” Election Advocacy Campaign Jingle
I wonder what or whose “itlog” was being referred to in the song but wasn’t the shape of that thingy in our ballot ovate? Anyway, altogether now… “May bilog, may bilog na hugis itlog…”

“Tiba-Tiba” Award
Winner: ABS-CBN, GMA7, other broadcast networks, newspapers
For the millions if not billions of pesos in revenues from political advertisements. Walang kinikilingan! Walang pinuprotektahan! At magpapatrol saan man sa mundo, basta’t may TV at may tao! Whateverrrrr! Blow-out naman d’yan, mga friends!
Runner-up: Candidates who solicited and accepted campaign contributions but never really campaigned. Matalo man, panalo pa rin! Ang kakapal ng mukha n’yo!

Best Single Performance By A Female Supporter in a Non-Campaign Sortie
Winner: Kris Aquino on ‘The Buzz’ (March 14, 2010)
In her most convincing performance yet as an actress, an emotional Kris Aquino took a swipe at her brother’s critics. Nope, she was not campaigning. It just so happened that she had to mention the name “Noynoy” 15 times during Boy Abunda’s interview.
Runner-up: Baby Villar-Benedicto lambasting ABS-CBN and GMA 7 for being allegedly biased against her brother
A few more workshop sessions and Odette Khan’s got competition. Good luck!

“In All Fairness, Kinaya Nilang Manahimik During the Campaign” Award
Winner: Korina Sanchez
Two thumbs up for Mrs. Palengke for keeping it low-key. Next time lang, kung manonood ka ng Tears for Fears concert at magpa-flash ka ng Laban sign sa camera, make sure na wala sa crowd ang very honest na si TJ Manotoc para ‘di ka ulit ma-tweet!
Runner-up: The Macapagal-Arroyos
Aminin n’yo, tahimik sila! Na-miss n’yo ‘noh?

AND FINALLY…
“Campaign Paraphernalia Gone Wrong” Award
Winner: Nanay Curing Villar
Two reasons why it failed: One, she’s octogenarian, let her rest! Two, she’s in orange.
Runner-up: Baby James
Two reasons why it failed: one, like his mother Kris, he is tactless. Two, he’s not cute. (Come on, objectively, he’s not!)
_____________________________
“When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” ~Clarence Darrow

Survey Says…
Dapat bang ipagpaliban muna ang halalan hangga’t ‘di nareresolba ang problema ng Comelec/Smartmatic-TIM?
OO! Ayusin muna ang kapalpakan! 29%
Hindi na! Ituloy ang eleksyon! 64%
Bahala na. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Tomorrow, we will be part of a historic electoral exercise.
Be vigilant.
Be patient.
Be rational.
Hindi nadadaanan sa dahas ang pagresolba sa ‘di pagkakaunawaaan.

After this election, sana, bati-bati pa rin tayong lahat.
Tulung-tulong sa pagsulong!

Mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino!

MANALO KAYA?

THE MANALOs HAVE SPOKEN. The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Hours before the official announcement was made, Noynoy was really nervous. In fact, he had to smoke two packs of cigarettes to calm his nerves,.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino for president. The official announcement was made by INC executives yesterday (Wednesday) while the unofficial announcement was made by Kris Aquino on “The Buzz” last Sunday.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the presidential bid of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most powerful endorser of Noynoy… next only to ABS-CBN.

The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most influential endorser of Noynoy… next only to Pulse Asia, and SWS.

The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. According to a source of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the choice was made based on a “survey” of INC members ‘with a mandate from heaven’ – probably the same heaven that ‘guided’ the INC in choosing the likes of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in 2004 and Joseph Estrada in 1998.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer source revealed that the Iglesia ni Cristo’s choice of Sen. Noynoy Aquino for president was made after conducting a “survey” among INC members – a revelation that further incensed Sen. Richard Gordon.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has also announced its 12 picks for senator. The list includes Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid! [No need for a punch line.]

The bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed Sen. Mar Roxas for vice president. Rumors say a disappointed Jejomar Binay called up a high-ranking INC official to ask why he didn’t get the endorsement. The INC official replied, “Bloc voting po ang isinusulong namin, hindi black voting.”

God’s (Different) Choices?
Gilbert Teodoro has the support of Pastor Quiboloy.
The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing Noynoy.
The Jesus is Lord Movement is solid behind Bro. Eddie Villanueva.
The CBCP endorses JC De Los Reyes.
And the El Shaddai Movement is reportedly backing the presidential bid of Manny Villar.
Some theologians are now convinced – God must really be a woman.

Tanong ng bayan: Sa harap ng sunud-sunod na endorsements mula sa mga ‘sugo ng kalangitan,’ bakit wala pa yatang nag-i-endorso kay Rey Langit?

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say Erap and Binay are expecting the endorsement of an unidentified Islamic group. You know, they tolerate polygamy.

Top 5 Messages Left on ‘God’s’ Answering Machine

No. 5: “Lord, this is Dick Gordon. Akala ko ba pantay-pantay ang tingin mo sa aming lahat? Eh bakit ka ganyan? Meron kang kinikilingan. Meron kang pinu-protektahan. Meron kang kandidatong sinusuportahan. Kapag ganyan ka pa rin sa ‘kin sa susunod na eleksyon, hihingi na ‘ko ng TRO sa korte para pigilan ang endorsements mo! Hindi ka na fair eh.”

No. 4: “God, this is Krissy. Gosh! You’re so bait talaga. Promise! Always take care of Mom and Dad huh. And Ka Erdy too. Gosh! I’m blushing right now God. Kashe, close na tayo. ‘Di ba Boy? Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 3: “Panginoon, this is JC De Los Reyes. Verify ko lang po kung ako talaga ang choice ng CBCP. Para kasing hindi naniniwala ang mga tao sa kanila eh.”

No. 2: “Hi Lord. Si Manny Villar po ‘to. ‘Pag ‘di ko nakuha ang endorsement ng El Shaddai, tandaan mo po, ‘di na kita papaniwalaan. At ‘di lang ‘yan! Kapag ‘di ako inendorse ni Brother Mike, hinding-hindi ka na po puwedeng dumaan sa C-5 kahit kailan! Tandaan mo po ‘yan!”

And the No. 1 message left on God’s answering machine…

“Papa Jesus, si Noynoy po ito. Thank you Papa Jesus for all the blessings. Alam mo Papa Jesus, you were my strength when I was weak. ‘Tsaka Papa Jesus, you were my voice when I couldn’t speak. You were my eyes when I couldn’t see, and you saw the best there was in me. How can I forget Papa Jesus, (you) lifted me up when I couldn’t reach and you gave me faith ‘coz you believed. Basta, Papa Jesus, I’m everything I am, because you loved me.”

Oops, there’s one stray message left on God’s answering machine!
“Hello, God test. God test. Hello? God test. Wala lang. Testing lang kung totoong may sasagot. Sanga pala, si Joma Sison ‘to.”

The Elections
Noynoy Aquino is so against the proposed postponement of the May 10 elections… mainly because he can hardly wait to begin his term.

Manny Villar is likewise against the postponement of the elections… mainly because it would only give his rivals more time to throw more dirt at him.

Gilbert Teodoro also opposes the postponement of the polls… mainly because he’s so eager to find out if Pastor Quiboloy’s group really practices bloc voting.

But Richard Gordon, Eddie Villanueva, and Nicanor Perlas are in favor of postponing the May 10 polls… mainly because they’re not prepared to lose yet.

Meanwhile, Jamby Madrigal has not released any statement on this issue. And we really don’t care!

Korina: Not True
Korina Sanchez held a press conference to deny online reports that she got booed at the concert of Tears for Fears. The vice presidentiable’s wife claims she neither noticed nor heard any booing… mainly because she was too busy posing before the cameras while flashing the Laban sign.

Korina Sanchez denied reports that she got booed at the Tears for Fears concert last Sunday. Well, it’s either TJ Manotoc was telling the truth or Korina Sanchez was deaf.
———————
“I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows.”
~Susan B. Anthony

Survey Says
Your final and sure choice for president:
Noynoy AQUINO 31.9%
JC DE LOS REYES 0.2%
Joseph ESTRADA 0.7%
Dick GORDON 22%
Jamby MADRIGAL 0.9%
Nick PERLAS 1.4%
Gilbert TEODORO 36.3%
Eddie VILLANUEVA 1.4%
Manny VILLAR 5.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
From the online edition of Newsbreak: How the INC was won

More from Newsbreak: Religious endorsements

Countdown to the May 10 elections: Apat na tulog na lang!

REVELATIONS

Quiboloy Goes Green
In front of his loyal followers, religious cult leader Pastor Apollo Quiboloy revealed, “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation, Gilbert Teodoro…” eliciting condemnation from saints and angels who insist that the law bars the Almighty Father from making appointments during the election period.

Speaking before his flock at the “Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name” compound in Catitipan, Davao City, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy said that “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation (and) he is no other than Gilbert ‘Gibo’ Teodoro.” At press time though, the Almighty Father has yet to confirm Quiboloy’s claim.

Explaining his decision to endorse Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy narrated that he prayed for three days before a ‘revelation’ from God came on Sunday. Quiboloy told his flock, “Ipinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami” – to which his loyal followers chorused, “Whatttteverrrr!”

This just in! Minutes after Apollo Quiboloy announced his “chosen one,” another presidential candidate issued a statement thanking the religious leader. It turned out though that the candidate was misinformed by a supporter. Nagkamali ng dinig ang supporter ni candidate. Sa halip na Gibô, ang dinig niya Tibô!

Religious cult leader Apollo C. Quiboloy has endorsed Gilbert Teodoro. The El Shaddai Movement is reportedly endorsing Manny Villar, while the Iglesia ni Cristo is said to be endorsing Noynoy Aquino. Last week, the CBCP picked JC De Los Reyes over his rivals. Rumors say a displeased Richard Gordon is seeking a TRO against religious endorsements.

Tears for Fears & Politics
Did you know what happened at the concert of Tears for Fears the other night at the Araneta Coliseum? The pop rock duo got the loudest cheers; Korina Sanchez got the loudest boos.

In case you didn’t know, TV host Korina Sanchez got booed twice by the thousands of people in attendance at the concert of Tears for Fears last Sunday. According to witnesses, shortly after the duo’s last song, people requested for an encore and shouted ‘More! More!’ When Korina was projected on the huge video wall, she flashed a Laban sign, and shouted, ‘Mar! Mar!”

Binay’s Climb
Following his surge in the latest surveys, vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay says Mar Roxas is now in “panic mode.” The Roxas camp is reportedly so alarmed by Binay’s numbers, Korina Sanchez was forced to campaign during the Tears for Fears concert.

Last week, outgoing Makati City mayor Jejomar Binay admitted he had an extramarital affair that almost cost him his marriage to Dr. Elenita Binay. The romance didn’t last long because the mistress rejected Binay’s proposed 24-year affair.

Photos of outgoing Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay and his alleged mistress circulated on the Internet last week. The vice presidential dark horse called it black propaganda.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Alam n’yo ser, sorbey lang ‘yan. ‘Di dapat iniiyakan ‘yan! Mas masakit pa nga d’yan ang mga suntuk ni Cuttu eh.”
B: “’Di naman ‘yung survey ang iniiyakan ko eh! Si Quiboloy! Pinaasa niya ako sa endorsement. Wala rin naman pala. Hu-hu-hu!”
C: “Tawagan mo nga si Welli Rivillami! Ayaw tumahan eh. ‘Pag ‘di pa ‘to tumigil sa kakaiyak, uupakan ko na ‘to!”
D: “Sobra na Pacman. Hindi ko na kaya! ‘Yung Iglesia, nag-promise din sa akin tapos sabi sa diyaryo, si Noynoy na raw?!? It’s unfair! It’s unfair!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Nabasa mo ba ‘yung psychiatric report ni Guido Delgado? Kinabahan ako do’n mare. Akala ko authentic.”
B: “Quiet ka lang Shawie. May area sa likod ng stage kung saan puwede tayong mag-yosi. Tara!”
C: “Talaga?!? May alam ka sa babae ni Kiko? Sige nga, kwento mo!”
D: “’Wag ka sanang magagalit Sha. Ipinapatanong ng organizers ng rally kung puwedeng mamaya ka na lang daw umakyat ng stage. Baka bumigay eh.”

Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “’Di mo sinabi matulis ka rin pala Jojo! Sino ‘tong kasama mong chick sa picture na nasa diyaryo? Ang kiniiis!”
B: “Eh saan pa ba ako magmamana? Kaya nga tandem tayo eh.”
C: “Alam mo ba ang ginawa ko kay Doktora Ellen nang mahuli niya akong may chiching? Siya ang pinatakbo kong mayor sa Makati! Ayun, tumahimik!”
D: “Ngayon ko lang napansin Jojo! We have a lot of things in common pala! Naging mayor ka, naging mayor ako. Doktora ang asawa mo, doktora ang asawa ko. May naging kabit ka, may naging kabit ako. Naku! Sana naman ngayong eleksyon, pag natalo ka, manalo naman ako! For a change!”
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“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.”
~The Holy Bible

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Para sa masaya at malamang pagtalakay sa mga napapanahong paksa, makinig kina Lynda Jumilla at Alvin Elchico sa dzMM, gabi-gabi pagkatapos ng TV Patrol World.

AYON SA MGA BITUIN IV

MAY NAGBABADYANG GULO sa paligid batay sa alignment at galaw ng mga planeta habang papalapit ang eleksyon.

Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, posibleng mahulog ka sa dagat ng basura at ikalunod mo ito. Sumaklolo man ang iyong ina ay maaaring huli na ang lahat dahil wala na siyang kakayanang lumangoy dala ng katandaan.

Kung hindi mo naman kakayanin ang bigat ng ilang problema, malaki ang posibilidad na ma-depress ka at maapektuhan ang iyong pag-iisip. Pinapayuhang sumangguni sa psychiatrist o kaya ay sa pari.

‘Yan ay dalawa lamang sa pangkalahatang basa ng mga bituin sa mga kaganapan ngayong panahon ng eleksyon. Narito naman ang espesyal na prediksyon at kapalaran para sa inyong mga paboritong kandidato.

Sinu-sino ang papalarin? Sinu-sino ang mamalasin?

Babala.
Pangitain.
AYON SA MGA BITUIN.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Bago nila ibahagi ang kanilang mga prediksyon, nais munang iparating ng mga bituin ang kanilang pakikiramay sa mga naulila ng isa nilang sugo dito sa lupa – si Jojo Acuin, ang tinaguriang Nostradamus ng Asya. Apparently, hindi nahulaan ni Mr. Acuin ang kanyang pagpanaw noong Huwebes, April 29.

NOPE! Hindi po ito si Jojo Acuin. Ito ay si dating Budget and Management Secretary Benjamin Diokno. Magkahawig lang talaga sila. Kung bakit narito ang kanyang larawan, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko nahulaan. At hindi maipaliwanag ng siyensya. Hayaan na lang natin, at laging tandaan…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” – Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva

Maria Ana Consuelo ‘Jamby’ Madrigal-Valade
Independent
Born: April 26, 1958
Sign: Taurus
Just when the stars thought na tapos na ang mga ‘eksena’ mo ngayong 2010, nagpasya kang mag-hunger strike hanggang Mayo a-diyes. In fairness to you, hindi halatang nabawasan ang timbang mo. Maybe it’s your bone structure. Or maybe, binobola mo lang kami at kumakain ka naman talaga kapag walang nakatingin. Tandaan ang sabi ni Confucius! God knows Hudas not eat! But just the same, saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong paninindigan. ‘Yan ang sagisag ng tunay na lalaki… este, tunay na ma-prinsipyong tao. Hindi ka man manalo sa pagka-presidente, panalo ka naman sa dami ng naipamudmod na bracelets. Congratulations!

Nicanor ‘Nick’ Perlas
Independent
Born: January 10, 1950
Sign: Capricorn
Ang isang environmental advocate na katulad mo ay tunay na kahanga-hanga. Hindi ka man palarin, magiging super busy ka pa rin pagkatapos ng May 10. Ikaw ang hihirangin ng susunod na pangulo upang mamuno sa paglilinis ng mga nagkalat na campaign posters at iba pang campaign paraphernalia sa buong Pilipinas.

Kung interesado kang maging DENR secretary sa susunod na administrasyon, ngayon pa lang ay maghanap ka na ng malakas na backer. Try mo si Kris.

John Carlos ‘JC’ De Los Reyes
Ang Kapatiran Party
Born: February 14, 1970
Sign: Aquarius
Aha! Ikaw pala ang choice ng Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines sa pagka-pangulo! Well, well, well… the stars are not surprised at all. Ayaw mo sa condom, ayaw mo sa pre-marital sex, ayaw mo sa population control, ayaw mo sa Reproductive Health Bill, ayaw mo sa lahat ng ayaw ng mga obispo. Perfect! Dahil d’yan, malaki nga ang tsansa mong maging presidente – presidente ng CBCP!

Bro. Eduardo ‘Eddie’ Villanueva
Bangon Pilipinas Movement
October 6, 1946
Sign: Libra
Ngayong darating na eleksyon, ipaparamdam ng milyun-milyon mong tagasunod ang suporta nila sa ‘yo. Maghapon at magdamag silang magdarasal para sa tagumpay mo. At ‘yan ang iyong ikakatalo! Malilimutan nilang bumoto! Good Lord!

Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar Jr.
Nacionalista Party
Born: December 13, 1949
Sign: Sagittarius
Mali ang taktika mong maglabas ng mga pekeng psychiatric reports na nagpapakitang mahina ang utak ng ‘yong pinakamahigpit na kalaban. Rule No. 1: Do not capitalize on the obvious.

Huwag ituloy ang planong airing ng TV ad kung saan makikitang nagtatampisaw ka sa dagat ng dumi ng tao kasama ang iyong mga kapatid. Lalong mahahalatang desperado na ang iyong PR group.

Mahirap mang gawin ngunit isang paraan lang ang nakikita ng mga bituin upang mapigilan ang patuloy na pagbulusok ng iyong survey rating: Bumili ng air time sa “The Buzz” para sa live interview ni Kris kay Nanay Curing!

Joseph ‘Erap’ Estrada
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Born: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
May simpleng katanungan sa ‘yo ang mga bituin. Paano mo pag-iisahin ang watak-watak na sambayanan kung mismong sina JV at Jinggoy… tuloy ang plastikan?

Isang silahis na political adviser mo ang magsasabing magwawagi kang muli sa darating na halalan. Huwag maniwala! Ini-etchos ka lang niya. [Ang initials ng etchoserang adviser mong ito ay E.M.]

Ngunit ‘wag panghinaan ng loob. Kahit matalo… hindi ka mawawala sa mata ng publiko. Mananalong mayor ang ex mong si Ms. Guia Gomez sa lungsod ng San Juan at aalukin ka niyang maging First Gentleman! Astig, pare! FG ka na dude! ‘Di ka na ma-reach ‘tol!

Richard ‘Dick’ Gordon
Bagumbayan Party
Born: August 5, 1945
Sign: Leo
Hindi paborable ang galaw ng iyong mga planeta. Maulap din ang paligid ng mga bituing gumagabay sa ‘yo. Dahil dito, hihilingin mo sa korte na mag-issue ng TRO laban sa hulang ito. So, totoo pala ang balita – mas suplada ka pa kaysa sa iyong asawa.

Paalala ng mga bituin: Isa kang Autobot nang magsimula ang kampanya. Habang lumalapit ang araw ng eleksyon, huwag hayaang mamayani ang ugaling Decepticon. Chill.

Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III
Liberal Party
Born: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
May pangatlo, pang-apat, at panlimang psychiatric reports na lalabas. Pirmado pa rin ito ng mga paring taga-Ateneo. Ngunit mabubunyag na peke ang mga naturang dokumento. Plagiarized lang kasi ang mga ito sa mga previous psychiatric evaluation reports nina Obama, Oprah, at JK Rowling. Isa lang ang magiging reaksyon dito ng kapatid mong si Kris: “Nakakaloka!”

Ipinapayo ng mga bituin na isailalim sa loyalty check ang sarili. Sino ba talaga ang iyong bise-presidente? Si Mr. Palengke o ang kandidatong may B? Careful!

And finally…
Gilbert Teodoro
Lakas-CMD-Kampi
Born: June 14, 1964
Sign: Gemini
Panahon na para mag-move on sa pagtiwalag ng ekonomistang may initials na J.S. sa iyong partido. Makakahanap ka rin ng mas matalino at mas maganda kaysa sa kanya.

Ngayong darating na linggo, may ‘good news’ at ‘bad news’ kang matatanggap. Ang good news: mananaginip si Pastor Apollo Quiboloy at ibubulong daw sa kanya ng Diyos na ikaw ang dapat niyang iendorso. Ang bad news: Nasa panaginip ka rin niya. And you’re both naked. (Eeew!)

[Note: A day after this article was posted, Quiboloy announced his endorsement of Teodoro. Tumama ang hula ng mga bituin! The cult leader didn't say anything though about his 'dream.' More on this topic in the next blog post. Do comeback for updates.]
_____________________
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”
~Dale Carnegie

From Cyberspace
Rock on!

Survey Says
On Nanay Curing Villar’s press con. Your take:
Karapatan niya ‘yun. Hayaan na natin. 29%
A desperate move by Senator Villar 66%
Sino si Nanay Curing? ‘Di ko napanood. 5%

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