April 29th
On this date in…

1897: Gen. Emilio Aguinaldo’s military court ends the trial of Andrés Bonifacio and his men for sedition, treason, and the attempt to create counter-revolution. As he awaits the final verdict, Bonifacio joins both the senatorial slates of the Liberal Party and the Nacionalista Party as a guest candidate.

1945: Adolf Hitler marries Eva Braun… inspiring the likes of June Encarnacion, Arnell Ignacio, Lloyd Samartino, John Osmeña, and Ernesto Maceda.

1974: President Richard Nixon says he will release edited tapes made in White House. But before he could even do so, Alan Paguia and Samuel Ong called for a press con and distributed copies of the tapes to the media.

1998: It is revealed in Oslo that in experiments conducted for decades until 1994, Norwegian and American researchers used mentally ill or retarded humans in tests of the biological and genetic effects of X-ray radiation on the body. Two days later, Guido Delgado would claim that he was in possession of a document showing that Noynoy Aquino was “used’ in the said experiments… an allegation flatly denied by Aquino, and the researchers themselves.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Any Day In History, and Today in Science History.

MADAM CURING

AN EMOTIONAL NANAY CURING VILLAR, mother of presidential candidate Manuel Villar Jr. faced the media to defend her son against his critics. The press con organized by Villar’s media group has just earned for Nanay Curing the distinction of being the oldest campaign paraphernalia yet.

The 86-year-old mother of presidential candidate Manny Villar spoke to the media to defend her son against his critics. Not to be outdone, the Aquino family is rumored to be conducting a séance to give Cory a chance to defend Noynoy.

Newspapers and news programs carried the story of Nanay Curing Villar’s press con with her daughters Baby, Vicky, Lourdes, and Cecile… marking the first time that newscasts and news reports mentioned the names of a presidentiable’s sisters other than Ballsy, Pinky, Kris, and Viel.

An emotional Nanay Curing Villar faced the media to defend her son against his critics. Nanay Curing became emotional when she learned that she’d be facing the cameras without her favorite interviewer, Boy Abunda.

In a presscon organized by her son’s media group, Nanay Curing Villar became emotional, her blood pressure shooting up to 130 over 90. But one of her daughters, Baby Villar-Benedicto was even more emotional. Lashing at the Aquino camp, and denouncing two media networks for their alleged bias, Baby’s blood pressure shoots up to 150 over acting.

Top 5 Questions that Allegedly Made Nanay Curing Cry During Her PressCon

No. 5: Kumusta po bilang manugang si Congresswoman Cynthia Villar?

No. 4: Totoo po bang nag-Pasko kayo sa gitna ng kalsada? Kung oo, wala po bang dumaang sasakyan?

No. 3: Magkano po ang TF na tinanggap n’yo sa paglantad n’yo ngayon?

No. 2: Who are you wearing?

And the No. 1 question that allegedly made Nanay Curing cry during her press con…

Bakit po ninyo pinayagang maligo sa dagat ng basura si Manny gayong alam n’yong delikado ito sa kanyang kalusugan?

In Other News…
Loren and Surveys
According to the latest SWS/Business World survey, Sen. Loren Legarda drops to No. 3 in the vice presidential race. The survey reportedly alarmed Legarda who has always enjoyed being No. 2.

Teodoro for Duterte
Gilbert Teodoro has reportedly endorsed the Dutertes of Davao City. But mayoral candidate Prospero Nograles is unfazed by Gibo’s endorsement of his rivals. In fact, Nograles is so confident of winning against Sarah Duterte that he allegedly vowed to run naked around the city if he loses in the May 10 polls.

Sanchez, Critical
Doctors say former Batangas governor and Nacionalista Party gubernatorial bet Armando Sanchez is comatose after suffering a stroke yesterday. Asked about Sanchez’ chance of survival, the doctor replied, “Tumbok na diyes porsiyento, sahod na singko!”

Doctors say former Batangas governor Armand Sanchez has 5- to 10-percent chance of survival. Out of respect for Sanchez’ condition, jueteng draws in the province have been indefinitely postponed.

UPDATED: 8:23PM/Tuesday
Former Batangas Governor Armand Sanchez is dead. The Nacionalista Party is looking for a replacement candidate. Rumors say there are at least three names being considered. At press time though, they haven’t picked one. Binobola pa raw.

Jamby’s Protest
Sen. Jamby Madrigal has started her hunger strike. It will last until May 10… meaning, she’d probably be the first presidential candidate ever to spend election day in the hospital. Taray!

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ang bunsu mu bang si Jude ang prublima mu? Itu ang dapat mung gawin. Papuntahin mu sa timplu ku at aking ipi-pray uvir. Kapag ‘di nagbagu, supurtahan mu na lang kung saan siya injuy.”
B: “O, bakit napakamut ka sa ulu? Simpli lang naman ang riquist ku. ‘Wag mung papakialaman ang aking rial istit vinture in kis manalu ka uli.”
C: “Ganitu na lang. Kapag si Quibuluy, nag-Tiuduru, ang CBCP ay nag-Nuynuy, at ang Iglisia ay nag-Villar, ikaw ang iindursu ku. Amen?? Amen!”

——————-
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~French Proverb

Survey Says…
Should election surveys be banned?
DAPAT LANG! 41%
HINDI NOH! 42%
EWAN. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

April 26th
On this date in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan is killed in a fight with natives on Mactan Island. At least that part of history was clear. The one question many Filipinos have been asking for 489 years now is: Sino ang pumatay kay Lapu-Lapu?

1744: Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius dies… due to extreme temperature.

1785: Ornithologist John James Audubon is born. To the surprise of his mom and the attending physicians, Baby John James didn’t cry at birth. He chirped.

1886: Specializing in neurology, Sigmund Fraud, er Freud opens his own medical practice

1921: Weather broadcasts were heard for the first time on radio. But nobody believed the forecast read on air by Nathaniel “Mang Tanny” Cruz.

1995: Answer: Seventy-four-year-old Jeopardy host who died of pancreatic cancer. Who is Art Fleming?

Ten years ago, Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation’s first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions. In the succeeding elections, Dean got the endorsement of “Ang Ladlad.”

Ten years ago, Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation’s first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions. The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines condemned the governor and vowed to campaign against him in the next elections.

Have a safe week ahead!

CONFUSED

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.

Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

————————–
“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!

April 22nd
On this date in…

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil. Amazon tribesmen didn’t notice the Portuguese were coming because they were so busy playing soccer.

1870: Communist revolutionary Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) is born in Simbirsk, Russia. To ‘celebrate’ his birth, Communists all over the world simultaneously torched several cell sites.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated to promote environmental protection. Forty years later, the earth is at its worst condition ever, proving that the annual celebration is a failure.

1998: Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Moments later, members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA gathered outside the theme park and demanded the release of all animals.

2000: In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida… totally crushing the boy’s dreams of visiting Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

1970: A beautiful bouncing baby girl named Regina Encarnacion “Chona” Velasquez is born. Sixteen years later, she would use a new name (Regine), and a new nose.

Thanks to Wikipedia and BBC On This Day.

It’s Earth Day today!
To save energy (and resources)…

Sen. Richard Gordon shall try to speak 150 words per minute (less than his “normal” average of 400 wpm).

Sen. Francis Escudero shall use more periods in his speeches, and limit his sentences to an average of 10 words.

Kris Aquino will limit her use of “Noy,” “Baby James,” “Ballsy,” “Pinky,” “Viel,” “mom ko,” and “dad ko” on TV to two times per segment instead of the usual five.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer will limit the news, and column items on Noynoy Aquino and his family to accommodate more Earth Day-related articles.

Tabloids will limit their pages to four. As James Watt lamented in 1982, did you know how many good trees were cut to put out bad newspapers?

And lastly, Sen. Manuel Villar shall limit his political ads to two lies per 30-seconds… an improvement from the usual seven lies per ad.

———————-
“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.”
~Ross Perot

Personal
Thank you Cebu Bloggers Society for appreciating what I do. Credit goes to the readers whose incredible grasp of the daily goings-on in this country makes political humor blogging much easier. Again, daghang salamat!

KAMUNDUHAN

THE 40th ANNUAL EARTH DAY will be celebrated on Thursday, April 22, 2010. In observance of this historic event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Manny Villar will throw garbage at each other.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she wants this year’s Earth Day event to be memorable for the Nacionalista Party. She vows to dig up more dirt on Manny Villar.

The 40th Earth Day is being celebrated this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Manny Villar will re-enact the first time he bathed in a sea of garbage.

The world will be celebrating the 40th Earth Day this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino will NOT smoke for a day.

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro can easily relate to nature and environmental issues… mainly because loyal Lakas leaders have become extinct.

Justice Secretary Alberto Agra is also celebrating Earth Day. In fact, he observed the event in advance. Last Saturday, he trashed the multiple murder charges against two Ampatuan scions.

In case you didn’t know, President Arroyo has declared April 22 as the “Philippines’ Earth Day” through Presidential Proclamation No. 1481. She signed the proclamation right after the release of a survey showing the continued “erosion” of the people’s trust on her.

Former president Joseph Estrada and senatorial candidate Joey De Venecia have decided not to campaign on April 22. Erap will observe Earth Day by planting his seeds while De Venecia will plant some weeds.

Professor Danton Remoto and party-list group “Ang Ladlad” will celebrate ‘biodiversity’ on Earth Day. The theme of Ang Ladlad’s celebration: “Para sa Makulay at Masayang Mundo, Berdeng Dugo ang Iboto!”

Sen. Mar Roxas will lead the Liberal Party’s Earth Day activity. Everyone is invited… except for Chiz Escudero and company.

This just in: Mar Roxas has belied claims by Korina’s former household helper that the broadcaster still uses Aquanet hair spray.

Makati City will observe Earth Day by promoting garbage segregation. As a matter of fact, residents, particularly those living in slums underwent a seminar on waste management recently. Sa naturang seminar ay ipinaliwanag ang pagkakaiba ng biodegradable at non-biodegradable. Halimbawa: ang mga papel at tirang pagkain ay natutunaw. Ang mga ito ay biodegradable. Sa kabilang banda, ang mga Binay ay ‘di natutunaw. Sa katunayan, inabot na nga sila ng dalawampu’t apat na taon sa city hall. Sila ay non-biodegradable.

Environmental groups are handing out special awards this year in celebration of the 40th Earth Day. Leading the list of awardees is businessman Manuel V. Pangilinan who is being recognized for his “reuse” and “recycling” efforts.

A list of famous people who are considered “anti-environment” will also be made public for the first time. Topping the list are Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan for turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

And to warn the public about the hazards of chemicals on humans, Tingting Cojuangco, Loi Ejercito, Baby Arenas, Imelda Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, and Ellen Lising will join a motorcade.

But there are some who won’t be celebrating Earth Day this year. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is one of them. Alam n’yo naman, matindi pa rin ang galit niya sa mga “puno.”

And lastly, Stella Marquez-Araneta and the Bb. Pilipinas Charities, Inc. (BPCI) will celebrate the beauty of our planet on Earth Day. Stella and the BPCI say, “We love Earth. But we also love Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, and Saturn. The only one we hate is Venus.”

In Other News…

Absolved!
Justice Secretary Alberto Agra has cleared two members of the powerful Ampatuan clan of the grisly murder of 57 people in Maguindanao last year. With a justice secretary like that, who needs defense lawyers?

Gordon & Bayani
Despite the support of some loyal friends in Partido Lakas, Bayani Fernando says he will not abandon Richard Gordon, the standard bearer of Bagumbayan Party. To prove that he is telling the truth, Fernando promised Gordon that he would not call for a meeting of Bagumbayan members at Discovery Suites in Pasig City for a loyalty check.

Poor
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 43 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.
——————–
“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.”
~Cree Indian Proverb

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng hayup sa larawan?
A: “L is for laway! Noy!Noy! Hihihi. Jas kedding!”
B: “Masama bang tumanaw ng utang na loob?”
C: “Tumabi kayo Villaroyo at Gloriaquino! Narito na ang bago! Ampatuanoy!”

Survey Says
Maiba naman. Lakers or Cavaliers?
Wala nang iba pa! Cavaliers! 24%
Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Lakers! 34%
Hmmm, pass muna! I’m not into sports. 42%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

YEAH, SURE!

AFTER THE DEFECTION of Mandaluyong’s Neptali Gonzales III, and Albay’s Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino has a new endorser: Asia’s Time magazine!

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of the Asian edition of Time magazine. But being on the cover of a widely-read material is not new to Aquino. Since he declared his bid, the Philippine Daily Inquirer has been doing that.

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of Time magazine. Not to be outdone, Manny Villar will soon be on the cover of El Shaddai Weekly.

Noynoy Aquino made it on the cover of Time. Not to be outdone, Joseph Estrada will be on the cover of Pastime.

Mar Roxas’ Statement
Interviewed on radio station dzMM, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he has already reserved the family-owned Araneta Coliseum for Aquino’s oath taking.

In a radio interview, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he’s no longer thinking of the May 10 elections. He’s thinking of Aquino’s first 100 days.

Erap’s Birthday
Former president Joseph Estrada turns 73 years old on Monday, April 19. When Erap’s running mate Jejomar Binay was informed about his birthday, Binay reportedly realized how powerful he has become. You see, Erap was only 49 when Binay first became mayor!

Joseph Estrada turns 73 on Monday, April 19. Despite his age, Erap still feels like 18, and if rumors are true, he is planning to have a cotillion. The deposed president is reportedly excited about the 18 candles, 18 treasures, and 18 wives.

MVP & Plagiarism: A Postscript
Business tycoon Manuel V. Pangilinan has resigned “irrevocably” as chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Ateneo de Manila University. Ateneo will issue an official statement as soon as it has verified that no portion of Pangilinan’s letter of resignation was plagiarized.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Nakakapagod talaga ang kampanya! Pati butas ng aking ilong, lumalaki na yata!”
B: “Wala akong pakialam kung si Mar ang inendorso ni Kabayan. Mas maganda pa rin ako sa kanya!”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman ako napansin ng mga boys, ewan ko na lang!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “’Yun ang sabi ko sa asawa mong si Cynthia kanina. Never dress down for the poor. They won’t respect you for it. They want their First Lady to look like a million dollars.”
B: “Anong nakakatawa? All I am asking is a state funeral for Ferdie sa iyong first 100 days. Otherwise, I’m going to cast my lot with Erap. Do I make myself clear?”
C: “C’mon! You expect me to adopt your pitch about the basura and the dagat and the kalsada? How filthy! You know me. Garbage is neither my cup of coffee nor my bottle of iced tea. I can only campaign on a platform of beauty.”

Iceland’s Volcano
Several thousands of passengers were stranded in Asia as air traffic across Northern Europe was halted following the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano that sent tons of ash and particles into the sky. Authorities couldn’t release a new advisory on air travel yet because they’re still busy learning how to correctly pronounce ‘Eyjafjallajokull.’
—————–
“Arrogance diminishes wisdom.”
~Arabian Proverb

Survey Says
On Albay Governor Joey Salceda’s decision to bolt Lakas:
Kawalan siya sa partido! 25%
Parang wala namang epekto. 44%
Hindi ko siya kilala! 31%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak:
Lakas-Kampi defections: Villaroyo or Gloriaquino?

Who did Hilario Davide really resign for?

STAR(FRUIT) FOR ALL SEASONS

IT’S THE DAY’s BIGGEST NEWS.
Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! Apparently, Salceda got so busy checking out his party mates’ loyalty; he totally forgot to check out his.

Just so you know, Noynoy Aquino and Joey Salceda were classmates at the Ateneo de Manila University from the late ‘70s to the early ‘80s… or as their flirty female classmates would say, “unlucky years.”

Joey Salceda revealed that he and Noynoy Aquino were seatmates in the English class in Ateneo. They were not that close then although one time they plagiarized some compositions together.

According to Albay Governor Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino was his seatmate in the English class in Ateneo some 30 years back. Salceda will never ever forget the young Noynoy… mainly because he was the only one who owned a lighter then.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! It was like Dinky Soliman leading the Arroyo cabinet in singing “If We Hold On (Together),” and then calling for her president’s ouster the succeeding week.

After calling on his party mates to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro, Albay Governor Joey Salceda has bolted the party and announced his support for Noynoy Aquino. Lakas stalwarts were reportedly shocked by Salceda’s announcement because they expected him to support Danton Remoto’s “Ang Ladlad” instead.

Bugtong:
Higit sa isa ang mukha
May payat at may mataba
Berde kung hilaw
kapag hinog ay dilaw.
Ano ito?
Sagot: Balimbing (or Starfruit; Averrhoa carambola)

At ilan sa mga kilalang berde na pilit nahinog nitong mga nakaraang buwan ay ang mga balimbing sa larawan. Nasa inyo na ang pagpapasya kung sila ay inyong pipitasin sa darating na halalan.

Bawat isa sa kanila ay may ibinigay na dahilan kung bakit nila iniwan ang kanilang partido. Natatandaan mo pa ba kung ano ang kanilang “excuse?” Alamin sa pamamagitan ng pagsagot sa pagsusulit na ito.

Panuto: Isilid sa isang hinog na balimbing o ponkan (depende sa partidong nilipatan) ang titik ng tamang sagot. Tandaan: gumamit ng hinog na balimbing o ponkan lamang: bawal ang hilaw at bawal ang manibalang. Narito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka sa napiling sagot:

May sampung minuto ka upang sagutin ang tanong: Bakit nga ba sila lumipat?

1: Dating NEDA Director General Ralph Recto:
A: “Natalo na ‘ko noong 2007, ayokong matalo uli ngayon. Masakit sa bulsa. ‘Di pa nga ako nakakabawi eh!”
B: “I think you have a good team in the LP under the leadership of Senator Noynoy and Senator Mar.”
C: “’Package deal’ kasi. Nang alukin ng Liberal si Vi, siyempre damay na ko. What is marriage for?”
D: “Hindi ko kailangang mag-explain sa ‘yo. Ano ka, si Serge Osmeña? Kung ‘di mo ako kayang tanggapin, umalis ka!”

2: Former Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson:
A: “Si Erap nga na parang kapatid ko na, tinraydor ko pa. Si Gilbert Teodoro pa kaya na ‘di ko man lang nakainuman o nakasama sa casino?”
B: “Kung kanino si Manny Pacquiao, doon ako.”
C: “Mas matagal na kasi sa politics si Villar. Mas marami siyang kilala. ‘Tsaka siya ang gusto ng mga kababayan ko. Sino ba ko para sumalungat sa kanila?”
D: “God knows Hudas not stay!”

3: Mandaluyong City Rep. Neptali Gonzales III
A: “Dating back to the ‘60s, our relationship with the Aquinos and the Roxases is something na hindi ko puwedeng talikuran.”
B: “Ang tagal ng pondo. Nainip na ‘ko.”
C: “Hinintay ko lang ang latest survey at tiniyak kong lamang pa rin si Noynoy para sure.”
D: “Bakit ba kayo nakikialam? Taga-Mandaluyong ba kayo?!?”

4: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A: “Deep in my heart, hindi ko kayang ikampanya ang isang La Sallista. Bali-baligtarin man ang mundo, kahit ano pang mangyari, halata man o hindi, Atenista pa rin ako.”
B: “Titigan n’yo ang picture sa ‘taas. Kuha ‘yan nang samahan ako ni Gibô sa pagpa-file ng aking certificate of candidacy. Napilitan lang akong mag-smile d’yan!”
C: “I accepted the challenge of my Ateneo classmate Noynoy to become the Bicol regional chairman of the Liberal Party. My task is to make him win in Bicol on May 10.”
D: “Matagal na akong nagtitiis bilang berdeng caterpillar. Panahon na upang iwagayway ang aking mga dilaw na pakpak bilang paru-paro! To paraphrase Ricky Martin, ‘I am a fortunate butterfly!’ Promise!”

5: Quezon City Mayor Feliciano Belmonte
A: “Kung mananatili ako sa Lakas, hindi ako magiging House Speaker. Career move ‘to.”
B: “Enlightened, dependable, trustworthy and morally upright: All of these qualities of Cory, I see in our new champion, Sen. Noynoy Aquino.”
C: “Naunang lumipat ang anak kong si Joy eh. Tatay lang ako. Kung saan siya masaya, suportahan ko siya.”
D: “Noynoy and I have a lot of things in common. Single ako, single siya. Umuulan ng celebrities sa aking siyudad; bumabaha ng celebrities sa kanyang ad.”

6: Surigao Del Norte Governor Robert Ace Barbers
A: “Wala lang. Trip ko lang.”
B: “Ang Nacionalista kasi ang susunod na pinakamalaking political party after the 2010 elections.”
C: “Pati ba naman taong nananahimik dito sa Surigao, napansin pa ng punyetang Professional Heckler na ‘yan? Baka gusto niyang matulad siya kay Mike Enriquez?!? ”
D: “Puwede bang kantahin ko na lang? 1-2-3! Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap/ Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit!”

7: House Speaker Prospero Nograles
A: “Even as a senior officer of the party, I hardly know what’s happening because they make decisions without the courtesy of even briefing us. I don’t even get any text saying hi or hello from our party standard-bearer.”
B: “Delikado kasi ‘yung mayoral bid ko sa Davao. ‘Yung Duterte Death Squad, este Duterte family, suportado ni Noynoy. Kailangan ko ng mas malakas na backer like Villar.”
C: “Lilinawin ko lang! Hindi totoong iiwan ko ang partido! Hindi totoong ako ay balimbing! At hindi totoong tumakbo ako nang nakahubad sa isang hotel! Damn it! Kailangan ko pa bang ulit-ulitin ‘yan?”
D: “Who says I’m leaving Lakas? Puwede ko namang ikampanya nang palihim si Villar kahit ‘di ako Nacionalista ah. Si Presidente nga kinakaya… ako pa?!”

8: Bukidnon Governor Jose Ma. Zubiri
A: “Nagpasya akong lumipat kay Villar dahil… hindi ko sure kung mag-o-offer si Noynoy.”
B: “Memoryado ng aking mga apo ang “dagat ng basura” ad ni Villar. Mahal ko ang aking mga apo. Mahal nila si Villar. Mahal ko na rin siya.”
C: “I cannot stomach Lakas’ alliance with Kampi.”
D: “Napagkasunduan namin ‘yan ng aking mga anak. Sina Migs, mananatili sa Lakas; ako naman, sa Nacionalista. Mas maraming partido, mas maraming pondo.”

9. Batangas Governor Vilma Santos
A: “Akala n’yo ba walang matibay na dahilan ang aking paglipat? Akala n’yo lang, wala! Pero meron! Meron!”
B: “Katulad po ng sinabi ni Ralph sa question No. 1 sa taas… masakit matalo. Malaki-laki rin ang nawala sa amin sa kampanya noong 2007. Ayaw na naming maulit ‘yon.”
C: “I think Noynoy can give us that inspiration because of the inspiration instilled to us by his parents.”
D: “Bakit ako lumipat sa Liberal Party? Hmmm, alam n’yo po, matagal kong pinag-isipan ‘yang desisyon na ‘yan. I prayed hard for guidance. Hindi po madali sa akin ang iwan ang Lakas. Pero isa lang po ang tinitiyak ko sa aking mga kababayan sa Batangas: matagal kong pinag-isipan ang desisyon kong ito and I really prayed hard for guidance. Dahil sa totoo lang, hindi po madaling iwan ang Lakas. Thank you!”
—————————-
“Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living.”
~Josiah Royce

Survey Says
Ayon sa ABS-CBN: “Mula sa Nacionalista Party ang pekeng ‘psychiatric report’ ni Noynoy.” Ang sagot ng Nacionalista Party: “Sino sa amin? ‘Di totoo ‘yan!”
Ang tanong: dapat bang ibunyag ng ABS-CBN ang source nila sa NP?
Ang resulta ng survey:
DAPAT LANG! 70%
HINDI NA KAILANGAN! 25%
HINDI KO ALAM ANG ISYU. 4%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Trivia:The 1955 Academy Award-winning film Oklahoma! was shot entirely in Arizona because producers believed that Arizona looked more like Oklahoma than Oklahoma did!

Sa nangyayaring exodus ng Lakas members sa Liberal Party at Nacionalista Party, hindi na ako magtataka kung ang LP at NP ay mas mag-asal-Lakas kaysa sa orihinal na Lakas pagkatapos ng eleksyon. Good luck sa ating lahat!

TESTS

FIRST GENTLEMAN MIKE ARROYO, who was released from the hospital last week, gets a couple of good news today. One, he is now allowed to go out for a walk, and two, Prospero Nograles is now supporting Manny Villar.

Leaving Lakas?
House Speaker Prospero Nograles, Lakas vice chairman, has thrown his support behind Nacionalista Party’s Manny Villar. It took some time before Nograles made a decision. So when he discovered that his heart was really for the NP leader, he ran around the hotel naked shouting Villar’s name.

Prospero Nograles has reportedly bolted Lakas and is now supporting the presidential bid of Manny Villar. But Nograles’ decision did not shock Lakas standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro. In fact, Gibô was more surprised by the reported death of veteran comedian Palito saying, “Buhay pa pala siya?!?”

All-Time Low
The Social Weather Stations says President Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating is down to –53 percent, an all-time low. Because of the “F” or failing grade she received from Filipinos, Mrs. Arroyo says she’s more than willing to repeat.

Poland in Mourning
Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Unverified reports say, before the plane crashed, it was flying too low. Yeah, it was flying too low that it almost collided with President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Tsk… tsk… tsk. Napag-iiwanan na talaga ang Pilipinas!

MVP Stays
The Ateneo De Manila University Board of Trustees has decided to reject the resignation of its chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan. Consequently, the board announced that the university is adopting a new slogan. From “Lux Domino” (Light in the Lord), the new slogan will be, “Plagiarius est non bonus tamen nos postulo viaticus” (Plagiarism is not good but we need cash).

LP vs. NP
Sen. Manny Villar has challenged Sen. Noynoy Aquino to undergo a psychiatric test. Felt slighted by the challenge, Noynoy told Villar, “Magpapa-psychiatric test lang ako kung mamamatay ka muna dahil walang pampagamot.”

————————
“It all comes down to serving the ones who are fighting alongside you, watching your back, putting a weapon in your hand when you need it most.”
~James Luceno

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sa nangyayaring batuhan ng putik sa kampanya?
Partido Liberal ni NOYNOY 14%
Partido Nacionalista ni VILLAR 24%
Pareho sila! Punyeta! 62%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Today is April 13
On this date in…

1997: Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win The Masters Tournament at 21. He celebrates the victory by having sex with 21 women.

1977: Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up” is released… instantly becoming a hit among members of Lakas-CMD-Kampi.

1880: At the Ateneo De Manila, Dr. Jose Rizal writes the allegory titled Consejo de los Dioses (Council of the Gods) and wins a prize. Rizal relinquished the prize a week later after admitting that portions of his work were plagiarized.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Have you received your latest Meralco billing statement? Punyeta! Manny Pangilinan, maldita ka! Ano ‘tong ginawa mo?!? Ang laki ng babayarin namin!%3%@7#*&)

GIMME A BREAK!

The Professional Heckler is taking a three-day break. Hopefully when he returns, he’ll have answers to these questions:
1: Who wrote the controversial graduation speech of PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan?
2: What the hell were they thinking?
3: Is Kris Aquino still mad at ABS-CBN News for repeatedly showing Baby James’ “Villar!” video?
4. If she still is, so?

While waiting for my new post, you may revisit some of my favorite articles. ‘Wag ka nang magreklamo. Wala ka rin namang choice. Ha-ha-ha! Just RIGHT CLICK the link to open the post in a new window.

TYPHOONS. Mar Roxas was still LP’s bet then. Because of this post, ANC’s Strictly Politics started featuring this blog.

THE EX-FUTURE FIRST LADY. The Top 10 Messages Left on Korina Sanchez’ Answering Machine after Mar Roxas withdrew his presidential bid. The article was copied, pasted, re-posted and forwarded. I even received one from an employee of the Asian Development Bank. I wonder if it reached the email of Mrs. Mar Roxas.

WANTED: RUNNINGMATE. Nacionalista Party launches its search for Manny Villar’s VP candidate.

STICKERS. Political bumper stickers. A finalist in last year’s Philippine Blog Awards for Best Single Post.

SHE WILL SURVIVE. A parody of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” it talks about GMA’s political survival plan. This post was featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics.

THE NOYNOY SHOW. Studio 23 announces new programming schedule after Noynoy Aquino declares bid for the presidency

SILICONE VALLEY. A post on the controversial breast implant records of GMA that were leaked to the press. Plus the Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts.

FAMOUS EPITAPHS (of local political figures and celebrities)

AYON SA MGA BITUIN. Also featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics, a cousin of mine emailed me a copy of these presidential horoscopes. Hindi niya alam, sa blog ko nagmula.
———–
“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
~Milton Berle

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Breaking News!
The president of Poland, Lech Kaczynski dies in a plane crash. The Polish people express grief; Europeans express shock. Filipinos express envy.

PSYCHIATRIC

The Professional Heckler categorically denies the authenticity of a document alleging that he suffered from mania. The purported psychiatric evaluation form that first surfaced in Friendster was a desperate and despicable attempt of displeased politicians to discredit him. The document is nothing but black propaganda. The priest who purportedly conducted the psychiatric evaluation and the succeeding treatment of exorcism is expected to issue a separate statement.

Depressed?
An alleged ‘psychiatric evaluation form’ of Sen. Benigno Aquino III purportedly conducted by the Ateneo De Manila University’s Department of Psychology in 1996 surfaced on the Internet Thursday. The Ateneo management has categorically denied the document’s authenticity. A thorough investigation revealed it was plagiarized from the psychiatric evaluation report of former US President George W. Bush.

Immediately after the news broke out, Ateneo’s psychology department issued a statement saying, “The document is false; no faculty member or other professional affiliated with the Psychology Department has ever conducted a psychiatric assessment of Senator Benigno Aquino, Jr.” – which was probably true since “Benigno Aquino Jr.” was already in a skeletal state in 1996.

Here’s the screen cap of a portion of that statement:

Error Corrected
Moments after posting the official statement on its website, Ateneo edited the wrong entry and changed “Benigno Aquino Jr.” to “Benigno Aquino III.” The person who drafted the original statement has offered to resign his post for committing the mistake but AdMU president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres said, “Let’s talk first.”

Sen. Noynoy Aquino insisted the information contained in the alleged psychiatric evaluation form were a work of fiction… except for that part that said he consumed two packs of cigarettes each day.

The blogger who first posted the Noynoy Aquino document has deleted his blog (politicalamateur.wordpress.com). A check on his previous posts revealed though that he was a rabid Manny Villar supporter. No wonder, he refuses to come out to answer questions from his critics.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino dismissed the psychiatric evaluation report as fake. But Villar supporters say the copy that reached Noynoy was altered, and that an unedited version is being kept by former press secretary Ignacio Bunye.

Noynoy Aquino supporters refused to believe that he underwent psychiatric evaluation in 1996. They wanted the source of the report to prove that the name “Benigno Simeon” actually appeared on the document. Baka naman daw kasi “Kristine Bernadette” ang nakasulat.

In Other News…
For openly supporting the vice presidential bid of Jejomar Binay, reports say Team Chiz Escudero has been eased out of the Noynoy Aquino campaign by Team Mar Roxas. The bickering officially marks the start of the 2016 presidential derby!

Party-List Polls
According to Pulse Asia’s latest survey, 6 out of 10 Filipinos are unaware of the party-list system. That was really surprising considering that 10 out of 10 Filipinos wanted to become party-list nominees.

Sa iba pang balita…
Korte Suprema, bumigay!
‘Ang Ladlad’ pinayagang tumakbo sa party-list elections

Rejecting two Comelec resolutions that denied accreditation to a group of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders, the Supreme Court ruled that ‘Ang Ladlad’ could participate in the party-list polls. Comelec Second Division Commissioners Elias Yusoph, Nicodemo Ferrer, and Lucenito Tagle declined to comment on the SC ruling but colleagues described the three as “sobrang naimbyerna.”

Venus Fights Back
Maria Venus Raj, the Bb. Pilipinas-Universe winner who was dethroned for submitting birth records with inconsistent entries vowed to fight for her lost crown. Venus is seeking the help of the Supreme Court after getting information that her dethronement was decided by the Comelec’s Second Division.
______________
“All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach.”
~Adolf Hitler

Elsewhere…
Prepare for the polls. Find your precinct here. Thank you Comelec!

Survey Says…
Should the management of AdMU accept the resignation of PLDT Chair Manny Pangilinan?
Dapat lang! 29%
Nahhh. He apologized naman eh. 19%
Wala kaming pakialam! 52%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your long weekend! Stay safe.

TWO MEN AND A BABY

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.

Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!’”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.

Today is April 5th
On this date in…

2348 BC: Noah’s ark nestled on the 17,000-ft high Mount Ararat… prompting Noah’s hysterical relatives to ask: “How in hell do you intend to get us safely out of here?”

1895: Oscar Wilde loses his criminal libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry, who’d accused the writer of homosexual practices. The legal setback did not dampen Wilde’s spirit. That same night, he partied with Tim Yap, Raymond Gutierrez, JM Rodriguez, and others at Encore (formerly Embassy).

1930: Mahatma Ghandi defies British law by making salt in India. Britain declares it a sin.

1947: Gloria Macapagal is born. Just so you know, Baby Gloria was an “overdue” baby having stayed for an extended term inside her mother’s womb.

1964: US General Douglas MacArthur dies at 84. Scared relatives later bared that his last words were “I shall return.”

2006: Katie Couric announces she’s leaving NBC’s “Today” show to become anchor of “The CBS Evening News.” She then revealed that TV5 offered her to co-anchor its primetime newscast with Paolo Bediones. Couric had to decline though saying, “Novaliches is too far for me.”

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Any Day In History, Today in History, and Wikipedia.

Briefly Noted
After scouring the pages of The Philippine Star today, April 5, 2010, I noticed that the paper opted to “kill” the Manny V. Pangilinan plagiarism controversy. What’s the slogan again of The Philippine Star? Is it ‘Truth shall prevail’ or ‘Fear shall prevail?’ Is MVP’s Mediaquest Holdings still in talks to acquire the Belmonte-owned broadsheet?

Pacquiao, Carolla, and Comedy
Some people have been asking me to comment on the anti-Pacquiao rant of American comedian Adam Carolla. But then again, how can I denounce Carolla’s bashing of Manny when fellow Filipinos like Vice Ganda enjoys mocking Pacquiao and his family? Here’s the video.

Survey Says
Reports say Mike Arroyo is supporting Manny Villar. If you were Gilbert Teodoro, how would you react:
Okay lang. Walang problema. 64%
Isa siyang kawalan. Sayang. 23%
Talaga? Hindi yata ako naniniwala. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE

IT’S EASTER SUNDAY! Every Filipino Catholic is in a joyful mood… with the exception perhaps of PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan!

It spread like wildfire on the Internet. According to reports, sections of PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s commencement address to the sesquicentennial graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University last March 26 and 27 were copied from speeches of celebrities like media mogul Oprah Winfrey, late-night host Conan O’Brien, ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling and even US President Barack Obama. Members of the graduating class now understand why MVP, towards the latter part of his speech last week thanked AdMU president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, the Class of 2010, their parents, the Ateneo community, and Google.

Ironically, in his commencement address, Manuel V. Pangilinan or MVP revealed that he cheated in fourth year high school at San Beda College. Well, old habits never die.

Manny Pangilinan admitted that portions of his graduation speech were “borrowed” from speeches of other celebrities. Of course, he would have bought them if they were up for sale.

A section of MVP’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates was copied from the speech of US President Barack Obama. Members of AdMU’s graduating class realized this when Pangilinan announced his plans of withdrawing troops from Iraq.

Reports say a portion of MVP’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates last month was copied from the speech of talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Members of AdMU’s graduating class realized this when Pangilinan started jumping up and down on the stage, shouting: “Each graduate gets a car! Each graduate gets a car!”

A portion of Manny Pangilinan’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates last month was copied from a speech of ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling. Members of the graduating class realized this when MVP promised to raise funds for the Ateneo Blue Eagles Quidditch team.

One of the country’s most influential and powerful businessmen, PLDT and Smart Communications Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan has apologized for copying sections of his graduation address from speeches of celebrities. Heaping praises on the businessman’s gesture, fellow Ateneans say it takes a lot of courage for someone like MVP to do such thing. You know, just as tough as what Ricky Martin did last week.

Manny Pangilinan admitted that portions of his graduation address in Ateneo last week were copied from speeches of celebrities. MVP subsequently apologized … as members of the Ateneo Board of Trustees held hands and sang “If We Hold On (Together).”

Immediately after graduation, members of the AdMU Class of 2010 have reportedly found jobs. Meanwhile, MVP’s speechwriter lost his.

Top 5 Messages Left on Manny V. Pangilinan’s Answering Machine

No. 5: “Hello Mr. Pangilinan! We are the La Salle Green Archers! Rektikano, Rektikano, Rektikano! Rah! Wala lang.”

No. 4: “Boss, si ***** ulit ito. Patawarin n’yo na ko ma’am, este sir. Parang awa n’yo na! Pangako, ‘di na ulit ako mangongopya! Sige na sir, please. Give me a second chance!”

No. 3: “Hi MVP, Krissy here. Gosh, that’s so obvious huh! I mean, paano nakalusot sa ‘yo ‘yun? Oprah, Obama, Conan, JK Rowling? Grabehhh, that was so kakahiya and kakaloka! Kung kami na lang ni Boy ang pinasulat mo, eh ‘di sana may props ka pang torch habang nagi-speech. Mas bongga ‘yun ‘di ba?”

No. 2: “Manny, kumusta! Si Senator Villar ‘to! Nakaranas ka na bang matulog sa maikling bangkô sa palengke o mamatayan ng kapatid dahil wala kang perang pampagamot, wala ka nang magawa? Naranasan ko na lahat ‘yan. Teka lang, sandali… parang mali ang na-dial ko ah. Cynthia, paki-check mo nga kung phone number ni Manny Pacquiao ‘tong tinatawagan ko.”

And the No. 1 message left on Manny V. Pangilinan’s answering machine…

“Hi sir, Danton Remoto here, your fellow proud Atenean. Kahit maraming intriga, ‘wag maimbyerna! Look ka na lang sa sky, and deadma! Chura lang nila! Babushka!”

—————————
“Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.”
~John Milton

Elsewhere…
Here’s the copy of MVP’s speech.

What is plagiarism?

HOLY WEAK, TOO

The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News…
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
——————————
“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.